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April 2, 2014 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
01:01:04
2653 How to Succeed at Online Dating!

Stefan Molyneux speaks with a female listener about online dating and examines several dating profiles to highlight important information which has been hidden in plain sight.

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So, alright, so for those who don't know, Ashley, I think the technical term is on the prowl.
Did I get that?
Did I get that correct?
No, no, she's looking for love on the internet.
And she called into a show recently and...
We're going to have a look at a couple of profiles and see if philosophy, which has apparently every application in their own universe, can actually provide some value in this.
So thanks for taking a shot at this.
All right.
So how did you choose these guys to begin with, these couple of profiles?
Well, I actually...
I didn't go out searching for these guys in particular.
These were ones that actually came to me.
Because I just kind of gave up on looking for somebody that suited my preferences proactively on OkCupid.
So then I would scroll through messages that seemed somewhat coherent and kind of forthright instead of Gross.
So, I answered these guys.
And, I mean, they don't talk about personal philosophy, really.
They don't have any...
There's no communication in there about what they're looking for in terms of virtue and moral code, anything like that.
Can I just ask you for a favor?
Can you just tilt your webcam?
I think you're in a Hobbit setting at the moment.
There we go.
That's fine.
That's perfect.
All right.
So, good.
So, these are guys that you think have, you know, might be worth thinking about further, right?
Yeah, they might be worth, you know...
Yeah, getting to know better because I know that when I'm putting my profile together, I don't really want to put everything out there, but I want to put the essentials out there.
I want to attract somebody, but I don't want to give too much information for them to start Meddling with, if that makes any sense.
Yeah, I understand.
All right.
Okay, so let's start with Josh.
Now, I'm not looking at the photos because I just want to look at that.
Okay, so 5'4".
One of the great and remaining bigotries in the world is women and short guys.
How are you with that?
I'm okay with that.
Although when I have experienced being with taller men, there is a different feeling in it for me, but I'm okay with that.
I remember seeing a show once where a guy's online profile, if he listed himself as like five foot four, he actually had to have he had to be a doctor making two hundred thousand dollars a year to compete with the guy who was five eleven.
Like, you know, to sort of bring up the equality short is is one of the really tough things for guys.
So, OK, so fit, he says, diet, strictly anything.
It's kind of funny.
Doesn't smoke, drink socially, drugs, never religion, agnosticism and laughing.
about it.
I'm trying to obviously put a positive spin on things.
Sign Aries, well, Well, you know, as a rational philosopher, I hope that there's...
Are you kidding me?
This is not the Middle Ages.
Maybe one of the options that you can choose.
But anyway, graduated from a master's program.
He's obviously a successful guy.
He's in executive management, doesn't have kids.
He has dogs, speaks a couple of languages, and all of that.
And now, so this is what he says, right?
So he's been said, I've been called a very nice guy and a great guy many times, and not just for leaving good tips at restaurants.
Not a bad way, because it's always tough when you describe yourself, right?
It's always tough because you want to say that you're...
Good, a nice guy, but you don't want to sound vain or pompous.
You know, like when you ask women, how attractive do you think you are?
They're like, well, my friends tell me that, you know, like we haven't all stared in the mirror for about six billion hours trying to figure out where we rate on the scale.
But, all right, I'm one of the few remaining, quote, gentlemen alive protected under EPA's Endangered Species Program.
I think that's quite witty and good.
Each going kind, caring, compassionate, sometimes a hopeless romantic.
Yeah.
Okay, go ahead.
Tell me what you think.
What I think, from a female's perspective, I think that borders somebody who's codependent, almost codependent, which means to me that they're willing to be stepped on for the sake of romance, whatever that is, like the Disney version of romance.
Hopeless romantic could also mean...
Who cares about what the rest of the world is doing on Valentine's Day?
I want to give my significant other a nice poem or something like that.
They do value the romance aspect of a relationship, which does make somebody more sexually attractive and appealing because of the intimacy and the closeness involved.
So that is something that I would want to investigate a little bit.
Yeah, hopeless romantic could mean clingy waiting for you in the parking lot after work.
And the other thing too is that, of course, the great challenge for men, and I know women have their own challenges in the dating market, the great challenge for men is what the hell do you people want?
You know, because women say they sort of want, you know, vulnerability and openness, but at the same time, they seem to be, you know, fairly consistently drawn to tattooed thugs in motorcycle jackets.
So, go on.
Not me.
Not you, okay.
I mean, I'm not.
I've actually, I have purposefully combed through these people.
Anybody displaying tattoos or abs Or even too much stuff with animals I feel like is trying to project an image that's kind of masking who they really are.
I strictly stay away from tattoos.
And maybe I'm missing out on somebody who's really awesome and genuine and artistic, but I've never gotten a tattoo because I feel like if I have a message to convey, I can convey it.
I don't need to plaster it on my body.
Yeah, I mean, I think there have been some studies that dysfunction and tattoos do sort of go hand in hand.
It's not a one-to-one ratio, but it is a challenge.
And I would consider that a filter myself, but I mean, that's up to everyone.
Okay, so he says, open-minded, down-to-earth, ambitious, confident, adventurous, well-traveled, well-educated, accomplished, active, and fit, all rolled into a lovable fuzzball.
Now, lovable fuzzball and hopeless romantic?
Go on.
Like, I just, I want to cuddle him right now.
So if I have that feeling before I even meet him, that's kind of a warning sign for me.
Because it's almost like you're selling yourself, he's selling himself on a quality of sensitivity and comfort and intimacy.
He's selling his intimacy, I feel like, without giving me a chance to feel intimately interested in him.
So This is like a car salesman almost.
In a very, very small way, but it's something that does speak to me enough to be like, oh, I don't know.
Yeah, all rolled into a lovable fuzzball.
I mean, I think he might be an Ewok.
And those are obviously very cute plush toys.
But, yeah, I mean, obviously these are very positive things in a lot of ways.
It feels a little bit like...
All things to all people.
Like if you find anything attractive, you know, he's confident and adventurous, which would appeal to, you know, sort of the alpha bonding and then, you know, a lovable fuzzball and a hopeless romantic.
It's like, hey, what do you need me to be?
I'll be that, right?
And so that, again, online, that's sort of understandable, right?
I mean, you want to cast your net, I guess, somewhat wide.
So he says, I'm not the world's most interesting man because I don't drink Dos Equis.
Kind of funny.
I like fast cars and I prefer they be stick.
I'm happy with where I am in life and I know what I want, except for when they are out of wheat beer at the bar.
I have a good sense of humor.
I don't like that at all.
You don't like that?
I don't like that at all.
Why is that?
I've always had this...
I really don't...
I don't know if it's me.
No, it's totally me.
It's totally history stuff, but anybody talking about alcohol...
In their profile just kind of annoys me.
And I know I've had very romantic evenings with my partner with a glass of wine or something.
I know it doesn't always have to be around alcoholism.
It's just that it doesn't always indicate that they're an alcoholic.
But there's two beer references, right?
In three sentences, right?
Dos Equis and wheat beer.
Yeah.
And it also tells me that he's assuming what other people are wanting him to be.
Like this guy far.
He says, I have a good sense of humor sprinkled with mild sarcasm, but I'm no comedian.
If I were a comedian, I would be bald and ugly.
I don't quite understand that sentence.
Now, first of all, Hello?
Come back.
Okay, so if you've made a lot of jokes, which he has, then you shouldn't need to tell someone that you have a good sense of humor.
Does that make sense?
Totally.
Yeah, it absolutely makes sense.
Okay, if I were a comedian, I would be bald and ugly.
I don't understand that at all.
So I guess he's trying to say that he's not bald and ugly.
Fair enough.
I like the outdoors, biking, kayaking, windsurfing, skiing, tennis, hiking in the mountains.
I'm always active, I work out just about every day, and I eat healthy.
I think that obviously wants to show you that you can bounce quarters off his abs.
I love music, travel the ocean, fine dining, and recreational creative cooking, i.e.
I make up the recipe as I go.
My dog voted me top chef two years in a row. - I feel like he's trying to make himself laugh at this point.
He's trying to make himself laugh?
Laugh.
I feel like he's trying to make himself laugh.
Like, you know when you're talking to somebody and you don't really feel like they're talking to you?
They're more talking with themselves?
They're on, right?
They're on.
What I mean is that, you know what I mean?
They're trying to be entertaining.
They're trying to put on a show and all that kind of stuff.
They're on.
I mean, I know some people like this and I really want to shoot them like in the leg with a tranquilizer dart just to, you know, hey, just, you know, relax, chat.
You know, I'm not an audience.
I'm not going to tip you at the end of the conversation.
And if you make me laugh, I'm not going to order more drinks.
Sorry?
Right.
Exactly.
This just seems like a one-man show, kind of.
Yeah, and chatting with your dog, not always a great selling point.
You know, it's like the ladies who in their profiles will say, you know, I have four cats, you know, one is named Chim and Meow, the other one is named whatever, right?
And it's always a three-person, like a three-name, vaguely English thing.
And again, minor quibbles, who knows, right?
Lover of dogs, cats too, even bugs and spiders, I carry them out if found inside.
I make faces at bored kids in other cars to get them to smile.
I love driving young kids nuts.
Yeah, I love driving young kids nuts with silly questions.
I'm looking to meet a classy lady to spend quality time with, an activity buddy, a friend...
Well, good.
I'm glad he said an activity buddy because there's another phrase.
A friend to do things with and have intelligent conversations with and perhaps spots will fly.
Is that you?
Let's meet, see what happens.
It's all about chemistry.
All right.
So tell me what you think of the profile, if you would be so kind.
I think it's a little wordy.
Like, that matters.
I just think that there are a lot of details in there that suggest he's assuming questions, like he's kind of creating questions that he would imagine a date would want to ask him, and he's answering them right off the bat instead of introducing himself and bringing himself into a potential conversation.
Does that make sense?
Mm-hmm.
I feel like he's having an interaction with himself about himself.
Right.
Instead of presenting himself and inviting somebody in.
Right.
That's the other thing.
I don't feel present at all.
Even though he doesn't know who's looking at his profile, I really don't feel like I'm a player in this interaction at all.
So I feel like he may be completely self-absorbed.
Yeah, and the interesting thing is, so he gives you so much information about himself that he frankly sounds like a fairly exhausting fellow to spend time with.
And we haven't even finished all the other things that he likes to do.
And his standard is, I'm looking to meet a classy lady to spend quality time with, an activity buddy, a friend to do things with and have intelligent conversation with.
And you would kind of, I guess you'd kind of have to fit into his thing, right?
He doesn't say to sort of open me up to new activities, to teach me about new things.
So he tells you all the things he likes to do, and then he doesn't really say I'd like to explore new things and all that kind of stuff.
So again, that's just something.
And they say it's all about chemistry.
It's all about chemistry.
Chemistry is a term that drives...
Me nuts.
You know, it really is a horrible...
Because, you know, women will say, and you know, men may say this too, but I just hear it from women.
It's like, well, yo, he's a virtuous guy.
You know, I guess he's attractive.
He's the right age.
He wants kids.
You know, he's a good earner, responsible and forthright and emotionally available.
But there's just no chemistry.
And it's just like, oh, please!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
I mean, what, does he need to bring a beaker on the date and mix things at the table?
Chemistry is one of these dangerous words.
Chemistry is just one of these things, you know, like people say, well, you can't help who you're attracted to.
Well, you can, actually.
Sorry, go ahead.
Yeah, I believe you can.
I believe I wrote in the message to you on Skype, it was something about trying to identify who within me is deciding who I'm attracted to and whether or not she needs to be fired.
Yes.
Yes, for sure.
For sure.
And okay, so let's go on with this.
So when you say it's all about chemistry, then what he's saying is that it's not about shared values.
It's not about virtue.
It's not about consistency.
It's not about consideration.
It's all about chemistry, which means for him, attraction is a random base in the base of the brain, incomprehensible sexual spark of pure lust.
And he's put a lot of thought into all of his hobbies.
And then he says, and maybe sparks will fly!
You know, like you're going to both get energetically dancing in sandpaper costumes or something like that.
Maybe sparks will fly!
It's all about chemistry.
That tells you that he...
It would actually be a fine date.
But that tells you that he doesn't know what attraction is.
He doesn't know what love is.
Because he thinks it's just this, ooh, sparks, you know?
And he says that also with his cooking, you know, just put random things together and see how they taste.
But that's kind of what he goes with attraction.
So what that means, what that tells you, Is that he doesn't have a role model for love or he thinks that role model is inappropriate.
Because he doesn't say anything about his family, his parents, his childhood.
You know, he doesn't say, you know, my parents have been married for 30 years, they're deeply in love and they've taught me everything there is to know about having a great relationship.
You know, shared values, shared interests, respect, friendship first and so on, right?
It shouldn't be a mystery.
What romantic, sustained romantic or sexual love is.
It shouldn't just be like, well, let's just throw the jigsaw puzzle in the air and hopefully it lands in a picture we can recognize.
You know, it just seems kind of random.
And so that means that he either doesn't have a model of what love is, because he's calling it sparks, maybe, and chemistry and all that.
Let's meet, see what happens.
In other words, there's this proximate, maybe this proximate explosion will occur, maybe it won't, I have no idea.
But if you don't know how to make something, you don't know how to sustain something, right?
Because knowing how to make something is, it takes sort of deep knowledge, right?
I mean, you want to make a bridge or a casserole or whatever, but if you don't, if you're just throwing things randomly together, blindfolded, Then you can't recreate it.
And so the sustainability of someone who doesn't know what romantic or sexual attraction...
I mean, sexual attraction, you know, is sort of a body type or whatever it is.
That's, you know, the chaotic short-term form of reproduction that doesn't really matter or it doesn't really help that much in today's society where kids need a lot of investment.
They're going to grow up to compete in a complex global economy, so this sort of fire-and-forget missile that men and women sometimes have doesn't really work productively anymore.
So if he doesn't know what attraction is, he's got no model, no history of it, or is disrespecting the history and model that he's gotten, which doesn't make any sense.
So he's not going to know how to sustain a relationship if he doesn't know how it's supposed to be founded, if that makes any sense.
Yes, yes.
That does make sense.
Okay, so...
So he says, what I'm doing with my life, rediscovering the artist in me, getting back into painting and drawing, learning new salsa dance moves, learning to work the saxophone.
I just play what I feel.
You see?
Here's another example.
I just play what I feel.
I don't take lessons.
I don't learn the structure.
I don't learn the theory or how to read music.
I just, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It's like my daughter with the mouth organ, just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Maybe someday they will call me Deacon Blues.
I don't know what that is.
Maybe that's some famous saxophone player.
But he's like, well, I just play what I feel and maybe someday I'll be a famous...
And that's the same thing with, well, let's get together and maybe sparks will fly and we'll have chemistry, right?
It's kind of chaotic, right?
Mm-hmm.
What I'm really good at, giving a good massage, fixing things, finding my way around in foreign places, booking things together without reading instructions, finding practical solutions to problems, taking care of business, painting, no, not walls, and drawing.
I can make a killer guacamole.
I mean, you know, I sort of get the sense that this guy is like a Hindu god with 19 arms because he's just doing so many things, you know?
It's like the resume that basically reads, well, what do you need?
I can do that.
Or I've done it.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just...
Yeah, there's a lot.
Okay, so the first things people usually notice about me, my third eye on the horns on my head, ha-da-ha-da-ha.
Yeah, okay.
I'm lost interest.
I'm sorry?
I've lost interest.
I've lost interest.
Okay, but let's just last, right?
So books, mostly biographies of accomplished people.
I mean, why read biographies of losers?
Hmm.
So that's a pretty aggressive word to put into a profile.
Losers.
All-time favorites, The Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.
So, you know, major plus points, but Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead both have, within them, significantly powerful theories of love and attraction.
And if he just thinks, well, let's get together and maybe sparks will fly, he has not processed that.
The romantic theories of Ayn Rand.
And, you know, if he's branched out into Nathaniel Brandon, then he would have even more detailed expositions of philosophy and love, and so on.
So, yeah, anyway, we can go on to the other things, but I think that...
Yeah, the most private thing I'm willing to admit, I've kissed an alien and I liked it, which I think was the original title of the Katy Perry song until the Hispanic group didn't like it.
He's looking for, now here's interesting, girls who like guys.
So he doesn't want to watch.
That, I guess, is sort of important.
He says ages 27 to 49.
So he doesn't...
Is that funny?
Sorry, go ahead.
You laughed.
That's pretty funny because it's another very vast, broad spectrum of...
It is a broad spectrum, literally.
See, I'm a comedian.
I'm bald, but not ugly.
Anyway, so he's looking for ages 27 to 49.
That is a pretty freaking wide basket, right?
That's a crazy wide basket.
Now, if he meets a 49-year-old woman, then he's not going to be able to have kids, right?
And so he doesn't mention anywhere here.
Does he mention how old he is?
Hmm.
I don't think so.
But, you know, I would assume early 30s, right?
He's got a master's, he's an executive and all that kind of stuff, right?
Right.
Oh, actually, he is 40-something.
Oh, he's 40?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, sorry, just going on his movies, Memento, The Lives of Others, Fargo, American Beauty, Black Swan, Run, Lola, Run, Goodfellas, There Will Be Blood, Pan's Labyrinth.
These are all highly chaotic films.
Like, Memento is about a guy who goes backwards in time, and, you know, it's really very chaotic and confusing films.
They're good films, a lot of them.
You know, Black Swan, you don't know what's real and what's not, and all Goodfellas is chaotic and reverses time at points and so on.
And so, again, this, like, maybe there'll be sparks flying and this, that, the other, right?
It is a very...
And the others, I think that's a Nicole Kidman film, which is a very confusing but good horror film.
So these are all kind of chaotic stuff, right?
Right.
It's a lot of the movie preferences he has seems to be about questioning reality.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And destroying one's perception in reality.
On a typical Friday night, I'm either Dr.
Jekyll or Mr.
Hyde occasionally.
Superman, I spend a lot of time thinking about what my dog thinks I'm saying when I talk to her.
Yeah, but so 27 to 49, so he doesn't even know if he wants children or not.
And if he's 40 and he's looking at dating women towards the end of their childbearing years, right, sort of in their 30s, but not talking about whether he wants to have kids or not, then I think he's kind of not really focusing on what the woman might need.
And we talked about this on the show, right, that you dated an older guy and he never asked if you wanted kids when you were sort of in, you know, that's an important thing to ask.
So that was sort of, again, whether you contact him or not, I mean, that's completely up to you.
I just wanted to give you some things that you can look at and see from a profile.
Does that help at all?
It sure does.
It sure does.
Should we do another one?
Oh, no, no, go ahead, if you've got more to say.
I was just going to say, it really doesn't matter whose profile I'm looking at on the OKCupid's, because I don't really seem to be getting any kind of specific information about who they are, who they are as individuals.
I see a lot of what an artist, you know, what people consider an artist to be like, right?
So I hear, I read descriptions that tell me they're artistic instead of, I'm really enthusiastic about pictures, That are from my family's country of origin or something like that.
Nothing very specific about who they are uniquely.
So I'm getting a little frustrated on these things.
So would they tell you the pictures they like to look at?
I mean, I think, yeah, there is one profile.
I'm not sure if I sent it to you.
There's one profile of a guy that...
I just found today actually and he's very specific about the artistic styles that inspire him and I appreciated that much but there was nothing in there about his experience in his family, no relationships with his friends, what they're like for him.
I'll pull him up real quick.
You can copy and paste him into the Skype window if you want.
But these people all seem to be...
I shouldn't say all.
I've read just a couple.
But they seem to be like...
Cool people with cool hobbies and no histories whatsoever.
Like no childhoods, no families, nothing about parents, nothing about any of that stuff.
And for me, right, I mean, because you're into free domain radio, at least kind of, you surf in and out of free domain radio.
And so history is very important for understanding people.
So, for you, and anyone who really is going to be a good companion for your life is going to have to have self-knowledge.
And how are you going to talk about self-knowledge in an online dating profile?
I think there are ways to do it, for sure.
Which don't involve, you know, I like journaling about my feelings about Caravaggio or something.
Let's do one more and then we'll try this other guy, right?
Okay, so 5'9", so it could totally take the previous guy.
So if you set up like a cage match for a date with you, it would be tough.
It would be interesting.
Okay, dashes out religion, graduated from college, income 40 to 50K, doesn't have kids but might want them.
Might want them, okay?
So he says, everyone has good times and bad times in their lives.
I believe that it's how you behave during the difficult times that defines your character.
It's easy to be positive when everything is going right for you, but to keep a positive attitude when life gets tough takes an exceptional person.
Life is meant to be enjoyed.
I don't mean that you should dive into every easy pleasure that comes your way.
True happiness comes through moderation, slowing down to appreciate the small things.
Alright.
I'm going to tell you, this is going to sound awfully nitpicky, but I think nitpicky is good when you're looking for a life companion.
So he says, life is meant to be enjoyed.
So there's a statement.
Then I think he says, well, what if somebody thinks I'm a hedonist?
I better correct that.
I don't mean that you should dive into every easy pleasure that comes your way, blah, blah, blah, right?
So already he's kind of having two sides of the conversation.
This is what I believe.
Oh, but I don't mean this.
I mean, I mean, blah, blah, blah, right?
And so this is somebody who I would imagine would be concerned with how you might react to what he's saying.
And those people are very hard to have conversations with because they're constantly interrupting you to tell you what you should think about what they're saying.
Does that make any sense?
You nailed it.
You nailed it.
I mean, that is a pervasive issue across the board of my interpersonal relationships all over the place.
Oh, gosh.
When I first started the retail industry five years ago here where I live, this is a very mild-tempered town until somebody doesn't agree with somebody and then it's just all hell breaks loose.
They become...
Crazy lunatics.
This is what I've noticed in the working world.
And people tiptoe around each other.
So all of my social interactions have really painted me as someone who's too direct and too...
Sometimes they think I'm obtuse because I don't get the insinuated...
Like, direction of where I'm supposed to be interpreting their conversations.
Does that make sense?
Or am I doing that too?
No, I think, I mean, you want to be direct.
You want to be frank with people.
Look, I mean, convoluted conversations are exhausting to carry on for a lifetime.
I mean, they're exhausting for 20 minutes.
And I don't like when I'm talking with someone and they try to manage my responses to what they're saying.
I'm like, hey, I'm just going to go get a coffee.
You can continue the conversation with me.
I don't obviously need to really be here.
Because you're not asking me, you're not sort of probing my responses.
You're not curious about how I'm responding to what you're saying.
You're trying to manage how I respond.
And I find that exhausting, off-putting, alienating and kind of tragic.
Because it means that the person has not been just listened to and accepted.
You know, that they've run into these landmines and now they're constantly trying to defuse the bombs called other people.
But if you imagine living and raising children with someone like that, I mean, it just becomes completely exhausting.
And again, we all have that impulse sometimes, but being conscious of it and saying, oh, you know what, I'm actually just trying to control what you're responding to, or control your response, or manage your response, and that's not the same as actually talking with you.
So let me just say what I think and be curious about what...
You hear.
Because if I'm frank with people and just tell them what I think and feel and they get offended and upset, well, it's good to know, right?
I mean, it's good to know that people can't listen to an argument or can't listen to a perspective or a thought or a feeling without going off the rocker.
Well, I don't want to spend time with people like that.
I mean, why?
I mean, that's no, you know, I don't like jogging in minefields either.
You know, it tends to be a little stressful.
So, yeah, go ahead.
Yeah, that's the image that I get all the time, just being afraid to step on a minefield in a conversation.
That leaves you so...
You have no identity.
There's really no identity.
Yeah, and I always feel like, let me just have my responses.
You know, maybe I like what you're saying, maybe I won't, but we can have a conversation about it.
But it feels like these tentacles, these, like, ghost tentacles, these glass tentacles come out of people's head, and they're constantly trying to manipulate what it is I'm thinking and feeling, and it's like, I don't like squid heads.
I think that's my fundamental statement.
Squid head!
I'm just going to have to use that from now on when I'm combing through these pair of files.
Yeah, it's like Arnold in that Predator movie, you know?
Like the squid head comes in, he's like, kill me!
Kill me now!
Right, right.
So, I just want to say, before we go any further...
I did have a date or a coffee meeting.
Oh, I'm sure the guy, if he ever sees this, he's going to be absolutely overjoyed that you put quote marks around the word date.
That's just what every alpha male wants to hear.
I had a date with a man who thought he was attractive and had a chance with me.
Anyway, go on.
Well, I am...
All right.
The advice given to people on these website dating databases is go on as many as you can I don't think that's the greatest advice, but they say go on as many as you can and practice turning people down.
Well, look, I mean, they have a business reason for saying that, right?
Because the more people go on dates, the more popular their site is going to be, right?
I mean, if nobody ever went on any dates, their site...
So, of course, they're going to tell you go on lots of dates, right?
Especially they're going to tell that to the women because otherwise it's the ghost town of men talking to men.
The sausage part.
Yeah, very true.
I get that.
I tried it and then I stopped.
Actually, I went on two different dates and then I stopped because I felt like it was a waste of my time and a waste of their time because from what I got from their profiles, it was pretty accurate to what I got in person.
I'm just exploring my own self-reliance in terms of Combing through these with your help is really awesome.
Well, you know, as I've said, if you're looking for a needle in a haystack, you better get a metal detector, right?
You can't go and, you know, with every piece of hay.
Okay, so I'm just looking at this.
The guy says, I love trying new foods in restaurants with my friends.
I don't drink very often and I rarely go to bars and almost never go to clubs.
Most of my friends drink a lot.
So I don't really mind being around drunk people while sober.
That's a very interesting statement.
Right, so my question is...
I don't remember reading that.
I'm sorry?
That's weird.
I didn't remember reading that.
I don't...
I didn't catch that.
I don't really mind being around drunk people while sober, so if you show up for a date hammered out of your gourd, you know, I'm down with that.
I can help pull you in a shopping cart and drive you home.
But don't expect your wallet to be there in the morning!
So most of my friends...
I'm sorry?
He didn't write that, did he?
He did!
He did!
So most of my friends drink a lot.
So what he's basically saying is he doesn't like to really drink, but if you like to drink, that's fine.
And that to me is...
And most of my friends drink a lot.
Is he such a bad friend that they can't stand him sober?
That would be my question.
Anyway.
My question would be, why are you wasting time with people that are obviously not interested in being aware and present?
Right.
Right.
The first thing people usually notice about me, the rays of light shooting out of my head.
Those aren't rays of light.
They're tentacles.
Squidhead!
Tentacles coming out of her head.
Okay, so his head.
So, I'm looking for girls who like guys.
That must be, because that's the second time, right?
Ages 26 to 46.
Now, he did say, you know, he's interested in whatever, whatever, right?
Again, he doesn't say how old he is.
Do you have a sense of that?
He is 34.
Okay, so he's 34 and he doesn't know whether he wants kids or not yet.
Well, that's kind of an important decision, particularly in her 30s.
And he's willing to go 12 years older, which means he thinks he's as mature as a 46-year-old, or he would really like a 46-year-old who's as mature as a 34-year-old.
Neither of those are particularly good standards.
And he's looking for new friends, long-term dating or short-term dating.
What is short-term dating?
It's just booty calls.
I mean, I don't know what that means.
Does that, like, we'll date until we don't like each other, which will be quite quick?
I mean, what does that mean?
Yeah, that is a very interesting point that you make because I've met other people who think that short-term dating is actually a full-fledged relationship, but only for a short period of time.
And I just am like...
What the hell does that mean?
I mean, if you like each other, why would you stop dating?
I mean, this is something I've never really understood, you know?
I mean, if you really get along and, you know, you're romantically, intellectually, morally, philosophically, sexually compatible...
I mean, why would you stop?
You've stopped dating because you stop liking each other or you find someone better or you can't stand each other.
That is not a successful relationship.
I mean, it's very efficient to have a relationship that just lasts for your whole lifetime.
Like, I'm going to be with my wife till, you know, three days after I'm dead.
And you stay with that person if it works out.
I'm not going to find anyone better for me and all that.
So he would like new friends, long-term dating or short-term dating.
I assume that marriage is not...
So he doesn't really know.
He doesn't know if he wants to have kids.
And he'll go for short-term dating, long-term dating.
And what that means is that he does not value his single value very high.
It's like, well, if you want to date me and then dislike me, that's fine with me.
Yeah.
This gives me the impression that this gentleman is a little lost in his life.
He's not really sure what he wants.
All right.
It's a...
I have one tattoo on my left arm that says Bruce and Emily.
Name of my great-grandparents.
I was very close.
And it's nice to hear about that.
Yes.
So...
Right.
And sentimental is a nice attribute, but when it's sentimental about things...
When you're being sentimental about abusive families or if you're being...
If you're...
Idealizing, you know, like, who's your role model?
Superman, so I have a tattoo about him, you know.
That stuff is just, I don't want a guy who has a hot dog on his arm, you know.
Nostalgia can have meaning, yes.
He says the first things people usually...
Yeah, but we don't know.
We don't know if the family is abusive or not, but it seems like an odd thing to get a tattoo of your great-grandparents.
Again, you know, maybe I'm a bit square that way, but he says the first thing people usually notice about me, I honestly have no idea.
That's what he says.
I honestly have no idea.
So I think that's, you know, knowing how you appear to other people is pretty important, right?
So, I mean, you know, first thing people notice about me, fairly tall, enormously chatty.
That would be probably the first thing people notice about me.
All right.
So, and again, these aren't like, you know, complete disaster people stay away at all costs or anything like that.
I'm not sort of suggesting that.
But I do think that it's important to have theories about people before you meet them, which, you know, can be completely open to reinterpretation.
But if you have a concern about someone before you meet them, or at least you can email them a bit and see if those theories bear fruit.
So if the person is like, well, he tries to control my responses, then tell him things that give him your...
And then see if he does that in his email response back.
Like, no, no, no, I didn't mean that.
What I meant was...
And all that kind of stuff.
As opposed to, well, tell me more about...
How you felt about what I said.
Like, I'm curious.
But if they're rushing around trying to manage you rather than communicate with you, then they view you as some sort of spitting cobra that may or may not be lurking in their toilet.
And, you know, that's not a self-image anybody wants.
This view is a bomb that needs to be disarmed or something like that, and that's pretty exhausting to be around.
Yeah, the feedback I've gotten is I'm from the North, and this is kind of like A more southern city.
So the feedback I get is that I'm too forceful or too direct or too bold.
I don't think that's true.
I really don't think that's true.
Is it possible that the population in one area in the world could just be a little bit more timid than others?
Well, it could also be that you're surrounded by rampant sexists.
Because, I mean, I don't think that men often get accused of being forceful and direct.
But if a woman is direct, somehow that's a bad thing.
I would always, always, always reject, out of hand, like never look back, I reject people who say, I'm too adjective.
You're too arrogant.
You're too self-effacing.
You think you're all that.
You're too forceful.
You're too direct.
Compared to what?
By what standard?
Is there any moral quality?
And also, when people say that kind of stuff to you, there's never any consciousness that it may be the perception of the other person that's at fault.
Like, if someone were to say, you come across to some people as perhaps a little bit forceful, but that may be their perception.
You may just be being direct and honest, right?
Now, that's a conversation about whether you are or not or how people perceive you or whatever, right?
But they never say, you know, you're too honest, you're too straight with people.
You know, there's always some too muchness.
You know, the adjective embedded in your skull is excessive.
And that is an argument from aesthetics that is designed to provoke insecurity.
Oh, I'm too forceful, and so on.
Like, people say, oh, Steph, you're too arrogant.
Well, I don't even know what that means.
Like, compared to what?
By what standard?
And can you point to anything I've said that is arrogant?
Well, you want to be the best philosopher in the world?
Yeah, that's not arrogant.
I mean, that's a high ambition, but I'm being honest about my high ambition, and I'm doing what is necessary to achieve it.
You know, if somebody says, well, I want to be the best songwriter around, that's high ambition.
What's wrong with that?
I mean, arrogant is me sitting in the basement, picking my nose, never writing or recording anything, and then saying I'm the best philosopher in the world.
That would be diluted, right?
But striving towards that goal, I mean, people can just...
But they say you're arrogant without any sense of standards, without any sense of...
An objective way of evaluating that?
They just basically, you know how monkeys toss poo at things when they're upset?
Human beings do it with adjectives.
That's just, you know, all it is is poo-throwing, and I try not to be in the radius of such silly activities.
I mean, as the old saying goes, be yourself.
Everyone else is taken.
Sorry, you were going to say...
As you're speaking, a lot of things are coming to me, like work situations and stuff.
I hear it all day long.
They're too whatever.
They're too whatever.
People are always criticizing one another.
And it's really sad.
But really, they're not.
You know, I mean, sorry to be criticizing your view of them criticizing people.
I apologize for that.
But, like, criticism...
I don't take criticism from people who don't care about me.
Because if you don't care about me, then why would you bother to correct me?
And people don't have to know me.
They can say, well, Steph, you appear to be doing this.
I'm concerned about your show or I'm concerned about this.
Let me make some suggestions or how have you been feeling about this.
Maybe we can private message or chat or something like that.
I'll listen to someone like that.
Because they care, and criticism that doesn't come from caring is just bullshit projection.
Like there's lots of people in the world I don't care about, and I don't criticize them, because I don't care about them.
I don't know them.
I mean, they care that they're alive in some abstract way, but the lighting in some movie theater in Bombay or Mumbai, I don't care about.
I don't know.
And so people, they're not actually criticizing, because to criticize is to coach, ideally, right?
I mean, when you criticize someone, you're trying to encourage them to do better.
You know, I'm teaching my daughter how to read at the moment, and she's doing very well, but, you know, she stumbles and so on.
And I criticize her.
I don't say, that's stupid.
Try harder.
Stop guessing!
Right?
We actually have guessing spiders that attack her knees when she guesses, and that's actually quite a lot of fun.
Although I'm not sure it's actually teaching her to not guess.
But that's a topic for another time.
But I'm criticizing what she does with the goal of encouraging her to do better according to an objective standard, which I have mastered.
So when you encourage people to do better according to an objective standard that you have mastered, you're coaching them.
The gymnastics coach, they know what they're doing, they're encouraging the people to do better according to an objective standard, or at least mostly objective, which is how good you're doing.
In the field of gymnastics.
But when people don't care about you, don't care about your improvement, and are not demonstrating the behavior that they wish you to emulate, you know, like I don't take diet advice from fat people.
Like, I just don't.
It would be silly.
And so, when people are criticizing you, you know, do they care about you?
Are they doing it in a positive and affectionate and encouraging way?
No.
Have they mastered the same standard that they wish you to emulate?
No.
Do you feel motivated to approach their standard based upon your self-interest?
Usually, no.
They're not criticizing.
What they're basically saying is, what you're doing is making me upset, so I need you to stop doing what you're doing.
And the idea that I should change my behavior so other people can get their petty and immature desires met is insane.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, I should not change what I'm doing because people are upset by it.
In fact, for the most part, I should probably do more of it.
That's sort of the job.
And so I know it can be very tough to look at criticism objectively that way because, you know, it's designed to push those buttons and make you feel insecure.
And sometimes we just sort of struggle through it.
But, I mean, the number of people who can actually validly criticize me because they really care about me are demonstrating behaviors in which I'm deficient but they're expert in and are doing it in an encouraging way.
Maybe four people in my whole life, and I know a lot of people, maybe four people in my whole life have earned that right, and I would imagine that at work it's probably not that number for you.
Oh, no.
Sorry for the rant.
No, that's okay.
That's okay.
You brought it back.
No.
No.
Most people in my vicinity don't actually critique anybody.
They describe their behavior to somebody else and I'll overhear them criticizing them.
So they're not taking action and they're not really valuing their own perspective or their own processing of the information around them.
They're doing the container thing.
A lot of people that I know that I work with are very good at pouring toxic sludge into other people.
And then there's just this management system, an avoidance system.
Yeah, and they don't usually even know why the behavior is bothering them.
Anybody who lacks self-knowledge is automatically invalidated from criticizing others because they're too reactionary.
Criticism is a very reasoned and in-depth process where you are focused on the other person and not yourself.
And people who are just bouncing back emotionally from stimuli are completely incompetent to criticize anyone.
And people who are incompetent at criticizing have no rational capacity to criticize incompetence because the very act of their criticism is incompetent.
And so if I'm doing something that's bothering someone, then the first question they should ask themselves is, well, why am I bothered?
Why does it bother me, what he's doing?
And maybe it's because I'm falling short of some perfect standard that they themselves have achieved and they can encourage me to do it.
But, I mean, you know, the manic world of the Internet, that almost never happens.
So it is pretty tragic.
You know, when you have the eyes to see, it is a mere confession of a complete inability to manage stimuli and to rationally process anything.
And these people are basically just pinballs bouncing around stimulus and trauma And attempting to drag other people into their crazy game.
And it is something to be aware of.
So do you think you might contact any of these guys and see if our vague theorization is...
It would be funny if you got married to one and they ended up seeing this.
Anyway, I think it's worth pursuing, but I think that there are some red flags.
Having children or not, second to getting married and perhaps even your career choice, is about the most important decision people make.
And for that to be nowhere referenced by guys in their 30s and 40s means that they really want to cast their net very wide, which means they do not understand what love is.
And, like, if somebody doesn't even know if they want to have kids, what they're basically saying is, well, if you want to have kids, I'll have sex with you.
And if you don't have kids, I'll have sex with you.
Either way, the sex thing is going to happen.
Like, I'd like the sex thing to happen, and I'm not going to, you know, I don't like to drink, but I'm fine with people who drink.
You know, that's just another way of saying, I don't know what a sustained attraction is.
I do all of these cool things.
And maybe sparks will happen.
It's very much an advertisement.
I don't, frankly, excuse my French, I don't give a shit if somebody knows how to snowboard.
I don't give a shit if they like to climb in the mountains and observe sunsets through the ascend of a telescope.
What matters to me is, do they know what they want?
Do they have a value system?
And do they know what's important?
And by the damn middle of your life, by your 30s and 40s, you should have some freaking clue about the values that you want in someone, and you should not be casting your net as wide as humanly possible.
If someone came to me when I was an entrepreneur and said, well, I've applied to a job in your company as a software engineer.
I've also applied to be a dancer at Chippendales and a fry cook at McDonald's and an airline stewardess and all these kinds of things, I'd be like, what?
What?
Like, you have no idea what you want?
You're just going to apply for everything and see what job you get?
I mean, are you that confused about what you want in life that this is the situation?
But guys who say, oh, I absolutely want to have kids.
It's a deal-breaker if the woman doesn't want to have kids.
Well, they're afraid that they're going to reject a woman who doesn't want to have kids.
In other words, they're willing to throw aside...
Their desire for children to get a date.
That is not trustworthy, I would say.
If they don't have any idea whether they want to have children, but they don't tell you why, That's important, too.
Like, so they could say, with the right person, I absolutely want to have children.
But with the wrong person, if I don't find the right person, I don't.
Well, this is, you know, that's something, you know, they've thought it through and so on.
But someone is just like, well, I don't know, I want to have children or not.
That is, that's somebody who is just going to say, please go out with me.
I have no standards.
And that is somebody who's going to end up being manipulative.
Right, manipulative, because they will leave the decision-making up to their partner and then harbor resentment or harbor some kind of confusion around it because they didn't know what they wanted from the very beginning.
Yeah, my wife said on our very first date, I'm looking for a long-term relationship.
I'm looking for marriage.
I want to have kids.
If that's not your thing, let's not go out.
Respect.
You know, fantastic.
And I'm like, well, I want to have kids too then.
No.
So, you know, that's confidence, right?
That is knowing.
And then I knew that she understood how important values are.
I knew that she understood how important compatibility is.
And I knew that she had the confidence and enough care for her own desires to not waste a year or two dating a guy and trying to convince him to have kids when he doesn't want to have kids or is indifferent.
So, you know, massive respect.
So people who don't put out clear standards about what they want in relationships, but are like, here are all the things I can do.
Here's the infinite billboard of me.
I have no standards for the other person.
They can be within a 20-year age range.
I don't have any educational requirements.
I have no requirements for, you know, if you're not athletic, if you don't want to do athletic stuff, let's not hang out because it's going to be...
Like, if it's just like, here's the infinite billboard of me, I have no standards for the other person.
20-year age range, want kids, drink, don't drink, anything you want.
That is a desperately needy Insecurity and a lack of self-evaluation and self-valuation that is completely invisible to them, which means it's going to dominate the relationship or lack thereof.
In my humble opinion, again, this is just my thoughts.
But it's a testable theory.
So, yeah, you can just, you know, say, well, I'm not into this.
And if they're like, well, that's fine.
Or if you say, well, I, you know, I am, I am very interested in having children.
If that's your band and they say, well, I'm good with that, too.
It's like, oh, yeah.
Oh dear.
I'm not dating a person.
I'm dating a desperately grabby mirror.
Desperately grabby mirror.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Okay, I can see that, yeah.
I'm in a Terminator movie, eh?
But there's no ice explosions at the end.
So does that give you, you know, I said we'd talk a little bit about, does it give you anything sort of useful to start with in terms of evaluations?
I mean, sure, you can find some guys out there who have a freaking standard or two, and aren't these, like, Jabba the Hutt tentacle heads.
I mean, that would be, I think, a positive thing to look for, but those would certainly be my thoughts.
Yeah, um...
I think that this net is too wide.
I think OkCupid is not the right place to find somebody.
I really do think so.
Maybe there's like wantobreed.com.
I don't know anything about the online dating world, but I think I do have some fairly reasonable sense of some warning flags.
If you can find a place where people actually have some standards.
Finding men with standards can be a little tricky sometimes.
Also, addressing why you're single in your 30s and 40s.
If you're a successful guy, you know, I'm all this.
I competitively skateboard with fire dragons on my head and all this, and I'm charming and wonderful and this and that and the other, yet strangely, mysteriously unbelievable.
I've taken in when I'm 40, you know, something to mention, right?
Like, oh yeah, and nobody says if they're divorced and nobody says, here's what I've learned from prior relationships and so on, right?
So, you know, even in interviews you say, what are things you could have done better in your last job or why do you think you left your last job or whatever?
What are your lessons learned?
And these guys are not providing any dating history or lessons learned.
They're just these scintillating, wonderful billboards of infinite skateboarding, but it does not seem to be Not alleviating any concerns that other people may have about why these fantabulous guys are not taken.
I wonder if you'd be interested in looking at my profile and telling me if there is any information that I could possibly add or, I don't know, help sharpen my picture of who I am.
To be attracting certain people instead of these lost...
Well, obviously, you need to put a picture of Jabba the Hutt in and talk all about your moral philosophy, and then you will get the right person.
Well, yeah, I've got another call right now, but send it to me, and I'd be happy to have a look at it and go further, but I certainly...
If we can send this to others, I think that it's really helpful.
I really, really want to help people get that metal detector to find the needle in the haystack because life is short and dates are not the issue.
Most people can get a date.
The question is, can you find true love?
And I think there's ways to find it that involve less beating the bushes, so to speak.
Yeah, and I think it has a lot to do with portraying who you are accurately and not really convoluting that according to what you think the rest of the world wants to hear from you.
Yeah, don't conform into someone that you think I want you to be.
That is no way to have a relationship.
It's like trying to dance with a fog bank.
You just get body chills and wet eyebrows.
All right.
Well, thanks very much for the call.
I'll send you a copy of this and we'll talk again, all right?
Okay, thanks, Steph.
Have a great day.
Bye.
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