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March 14, 2011 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
38:26
1871 Infidelity - A Letter

What to do when your lady doth cheat?

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So this is a long letter, but I think it's well worth examining in detail.
So I'll skip the introduction, and of course I will change the names and all of that.
So he says, Today I found out my girlfriend, through the past three and a half years, has been cheating on me.
Not only that, but she is living a double life now, where she, quote, loves me and in the same time is in love with the guy she cheated on me with.
I am a convenience until she can be with her newfound love.
The stupid, trusty, and naive teddy bear, so to speak.
I found out by snooping, and I feel bad about that.
My... Subconscious said I could not deal with the everything-looks-like-it-but-I-don't-know-for-sure-if-she's-in-love-with-someone-else feeling.
On the other hand, my snooping is justified, I feel, because I've been lied to grossly and regularly for the past three months.
No excuse, though. I feel bad about it.
I believe she's always been honest with me before.
Why the sudden change?
I don't know. I'm Danish.
She's French. We met in X. And besides, the first seven months apart, we've been together since 2007.
She's had three knee operations, one each summer while I've known her.
And she's always had low self-esteem.
And she has had and continues to have immense trouble with her close family emotionally.
I've been a pillar of her life throughout these years, and I've helped draw her a bit away from the family in that time.
Basically, they have treated and do treat her as their little slave, side by side, of course, by saying they love her and that she is the problem, the usual.
She hasn't dared leave them, and I have not suggested it outright, although I've always said, you cut those from life who drag you down in the shit and make you drown.
She also had a grim, borderline rape experience with an ex-boyfriend.
She never told anyone but me, I think, and she kept it from her parents.
I think, both out of shame and in protection of the guy, because she was afraid her dad would kill him outright.
You can imagine the blockages from both of these issues.
I very strongly advise her to seek out therapy both for this and her family and self-esteem issues, which are tied up with it all in a big knot.
But it has, up until now, fallen on the money issues, she says, that she or we can't afford it.
I recognize I may not have been as attentive as I should have been at times.
Who is? Work is taking much of my time, especially after we have moved to London, mainly because of a double in rent expenses.
Money is needed and we're barely floating.
It's almost down to a month-to-month matter as I have been finishing a big project that is dragged out and will be paid after it's done.
Our life together has always been great, ups and downs aside as all couples, but it took a turn for the worse in December.
We had one of her friends living here for nearly three months.
Small flat, almost no private life.
She didn't pay rent. Only paid for a few groceries, here and there.
Meanwhile, she was really slow at finding a place to live in London.
For comparison, it took us a full four days to find a place to sign the contract, both times we were looking.
We were both upset about it, but I wanted my girlfriend to deal with it, as it was her friend.
She didn't dare to. We spent Christmas here together with that friend and another common friend.
It was nice, but still we didn't have a private life.
It tore on us and our relationship.
My girlfriend started a new job as a waitress slash bartender in December, and through this she found new friends, went out, had fun.
I was happy about it. She hadn't had much of a youth like that, and I think she needed it.
Well, one night when she got home, she told me she kissed a fellow after partying, or rather he kissed her.
She was really deeply sorry, although the drunk excuse came up.
I told her I did not approve of that, but also I would not decide her life for her.
She has lived enough as a slave to others.
The moment passed, and the bloke later passed into the dislike camp.
Not so with another of her colleagues.
They became really good friends.
So good that I was starting to become annoyed with it.
I told her that and we spoke for a long time.
This is two to three months ago. Basically, she assured me that they were only friends and that he was going back to X very soon as his visa expired.
Knowing that she doesn't have a lot of great friends, especially not physically close to her, scattered all around the world, and feeling safe enough to let her do it.
I told her everything was okay.
She could see him all she wanted, especially because he was leaving.
As long as I was always told the 100% truth, she agreed to that.
My way of handling a relationship is very different from others, I guess.
It's not exactly like Hank Reardon, but it's very much down the same line.
Love is given, not taken.
Words have meaning. Truth is the most important thing, etc.
I'm a bit shattered in this way of thinking right now.
This is the second time I've seen a girlfriend slip away from me because I allow them free reign and 100% trust.
I have a very hard time being Hank Reardon and just say, Met him, I understand you, when he finally meets God.
Don't misunderstand me. I don't take fiction that much to heart, but I want to live my life in a true and honest way.
I want to not just preach, but live as I preach.
I have learned as much from you as well as others.
I have watched most, if not all, of your videos at least once, a good deal of the podcast, and have read almost all of real-time relationships.
I mention this to say, not to say I'm a devout blind follower, but because it has resonated with my own opinions on the matter.
I agree with you more than I agree with any other person I know of.
Anyway, that was a sidestep. I don't really know if I'm really being concise.
Sorry about that. I just wanted you to know where I was coming from.
So this guy left in mid-January, I think, and I was being right there for my girlfriend in a hard time for her.
We spoke about all the things they did together and why we didn't do some of those things together as well.
I conceded that I was too busy, but it was not because I didn't want to do these things.
I again asked her if she was in love with him.
She said no. She was confused, though.
First bell rang, and I said to her she should think things over.
I respected her, and whatever she decided, I respected too.
It would hurt me, but it would hurt me just as much, forcing her to be with me if she didn't want to be.
She cried and said she did want to be with me, because she was in love with me.
Since he left, they've been chatting a lot, webcamming a lot, with me around too.
One bed apartment.
I've kept my distance and respected that.
One time I tried to kiss her while they were on cam.
She moved away from the camera and held her hand over it.
Second bell rang.
I became angry and very suspicious.
She managed to calm me and to say it was just because it made her uncomfortable.
There was nothing going on between them, etc.
Let me jump to the day to make it shorter.
She left for work and I sat down to eat.
On the sofa was the first letter.
Yes, a real one. She received from him since his departure.
It's open. Apparently he lost a bet, and he has to send her a letter every day, or week, whatever.
I found it nice at the time.
I couldn't help myself, and I read the letter.
It didn't take more than two seconds to feel justified in this act.
I despise having done. Incidentally, I did it with the girl who left me another time.
Same thing almost. No, not proud of it.
But maybe that is part of why I did it again.
Basically, they're in love with each other, and they had sex, kissed, and whatever else, while he was still here.
I read it all one time.
That was enough. This turned me into 100% business mode.
Having been lied to in this manner, to me, means all bets are off.
No more contracts are binding. I digit-photo the letter, and then go on her computer and copy her Skype chat history with him.
I move it to my computer and delete the traces.
I'm a... Apparently they got careless, and people usually do, and they didn't feel a need to hide anything that much anymore.
On the contrary, at the same time she told me she loves me, she has been saying the same thing to him.
The chat is basically just two persons in deep love with one another, and they can't wait till August when she plans to go there on a holiday.
I've been stupid to accept that as a friend thing, too.
I know, I know. Naive.com.
I feel like a buffoon.
We were supposed to go to the Caribbean for a two- or three-week holiday before she goes there.
Haven't booked anything yet, thank jeebus.
I did this to have evidence on my side.
Not that I feel any need to use it.
We're not in a marriage after all, even if we have spoken quite a lot about that.
In fact, we have had great plans for the future.
She would finish her studies here next year, we'd go back to Acts to save some money, and then go to Y, live there three years, and then another place, and so on.
I'm in shock, of course. I can't think many pure thoughts for long, but I feel I'm calm and very, very focused too.
Everything is a carousel of memories.
Things I've read in the chat log letter of future dreams and hopes.
Me having given up my career to move to her in Paris and now here.
That I disliked my job at the time and wanted to pursue self-employment and game development is a reason too, but for the first time ever I moved primarily because of my feelings, because of love.
Why do I write to you then?
Case is clear-cut, isn't it?
Make an end to it as gracefully as possible and move on.
Not so simple.
Or, I don't know, maybe it is.
One thing is, we're having guests coming in several intervals soon.
First my brother, then a couple friends from France, and then another of mostly her friends from X2. Short trips, no biggie.
I'm going to my family in Denmark, 7th to 20th of April.
My problem is I'm not sure I can keep playing charades for that long.
That is what I hate most in the world, the ones who love playing a charade on you, and more so having to participate in it.
I'm trying hard to keep my cool.
I don't think she suspects I know yet.
I could much better deal with her falling in love, telling me, bang, over, but that's unfortunately not reality.
So why is she still here with me?
I guess it's the convenience thing as well as old feelings.
When I leave, she will have to move from here, rented flat.
But still, I think she will move in with her friend who, when she finally found a flat, found one in the same huge building we live in, owned by a nice Canadian guy, in fact.
It might jeopardize her education.
It might devastate her. I fear what it might make her do to herself.
It might cause wrath from her family versus me, who will probably never know the real cause of the split, just that I broke up.
Maybe I'm just too nice. Maybe I should not give a shit anymore.
I'm not the sort of type who wants revenge, i.e.
clustering photos of the letter on Facebook, that sort of thing.
I'm a calm-on-the-outside Viking.
But a fucking magma man inside.
Maybe that is part of my problem.
I'm too nice. And I may be too much of a keeper of emotions than a volcano of them.
Although I think I'm a fair bit more open than the average cold-blooded Viking.
You know how it is. You start asking yourself all these stupid questions, like, am I good enough?
Why did I let it happen?
Well, did I? I've seen her complain to him, Chatlock, that she hated the fact that I didn't fight for her, didn't get angry enough, didn't become jealous enough.
That's not me, baby.
Should it be? It certainly is a distinct counterpart to a South American warm-blooded...
Could I have averted it?
I don't think so. Falling in love is falling in love.
I've noted from the little I've read through the chat log that she plans to keep the charade going for as long as necessary.
She even talked about going to these X and Y places with me as if that is compatible with them being together.
His problem is, of course, visa-related, but he did mention he will try to get back to London.
I wonder what kind of delirium can make anyone think I would just stand for this forever.
But that's what it looks like they do.
You know, I can hear them laughing, and it's a very unpleasant feeling.
It's a complete betrayal to me.
Furthermore, all of this has made me think of why I am not totally devastated, although maybe that's the shock.
Have we ever been right for each other?
Her low self-esteem, I've always had to carry her and build her up from scratch all the time.
Her constant knee problems and a lot of medicine used because of that, and the rape thing, has made some things like sex a rather rare and sometimes difficult action at times.
A very striking thing from the chat log is that they apparently had sex three times during the night before he went away.
We never got close to that, and it's not because I am the stereotypical coke-drinking fat geek au contraire.
That did not help her self-esteem, of course, even if I kept telling her sex is the fruit of love and not a prerequisite of it.
My love for her has always been strong, and I have been faithful.
I know how easy it is to say that I grabbed the high horse, so take it for whatever it is, and truthful.
I've read the part about self-esteem problems in relationships, in real-time relationships, over and over again.
I've wondered about it.
Not anymore. I believe it now.
One part of me says, let them have each other.
They are made for each other. We're not.
The battle rages on with my love for her on the opposite side.
It will turn into a black hole in my stomach.
I know it. That's how it went down last time.
It could sound like I'm perpetually running into this problem, but these two times have been the only ones out of many relationships that I didn't end.
Okay, this one is not done yet, but in my mind it is.
The two relationships are the longest ones I've had, and where I have been most profoundly in love, though.
It took me a long time to get over the last one.
I wonder about this one, since I will make the decision I hope it will be easier to cope with.
Still, a lot just feels like pure failure.
My plan A is to live through the next month and then finish our relationship in person, of course, before I go to Denmark on the 7th of April.
It's going to be hard as hell, but I can't see a better plan right now.
If you can, please let me know what I'm going to say and if I will reveal my cowardice with the snooping, I don't know.
I think I will. I'm usually brutally honest.
It's time for honesty. Okay, enough already.
I'm sorry to put this on you. I don't know where else to turn right now.
My family will be biased and I have no close friends around here.
I will have that in Denmark when I go, but waiting with taking any action till after I'm back in London, if I come back, that is just too much to bear.
A first thought for some might be to try and salvage this in the name of love, but the trust is completely gone.
I don't think there's anything salvageable.
Again, I will be more than happy to clarify anything and would even go on the air with you to talk about it if you would find that a good idea.
I'm up for anything. If you have guidance or advice, I will be super grateful.
It stands as a compliment to you and a thank you for everything that you've done for me indirectly and directly through your wonderful work.
I can't tell you how much it's helped me also in this situation I'm in.
You're truly a great man. Also, sorry for the lack of structure.
In this letter, it's a mess, just like my current state of mind.
Thank you for reading and listening.
They don't own much together.
There's a big age difference.
He's in his late 30s.
She's in her early 20s.
So, yeah, money is an issue.
Okay. Alright, so this is going to be my thoughts.
Now, you know, the...
The thing I'll say to begin with, of course, as always, is that these are just my opinions.
I'm certainly not a therapist or psychologist, but this is where I think useful philosophy and self-knowledge is the key.
So these are all just opinions, but I'm going to talk about them as if they're facts, because it's just a little bit syntactically easier.
Look, the problem is a lack of self-knowledge on your part.
A lack of self-knowledge on your part.
You know, you have told me in this very lengthy letter, what is it?
3,400 words. Very lengthy letter.
And please understand, this is no way, shape, or form of criticism.
I completely understand where you're coming from.
And I've had some messed up relationships myself as well.
Nothing quite this off the...
I don't know, off the charts, off the wall, but I sympathize, I understand.
None of this is meant as a criticism, but you're focusing entirely on her and her family, and that is not the problem.
The problem is not your girlfriend.
The problem is not the guy that she slept around with.
I mean, those are problems, but those aren't the fundamental problems.
The fundamental problem is that you're looking outside yourself for the answer as to what happened, and that is not...
That is not going to work.
You've told me nothing about your childhood.
You've told me nothing about your family.
You've told me nothing about your history.
You've talked about the problems that other people are bringing to your life.
You haven't talked about any of the circumstances or environments or traumas or histories or relationships that have led you into these kinds of situations.
Now, I mean, I could ask for clarification, I could ask for the history, but that's not the important thing.
My friend, the important thing is that you haven't as yet understood that your own personal history, and in particular your own childhood, your relationship with your mother, I would assume your parents' relationship.
All of that is a template for how you are interacting at this time with this woman.
Who it is that you choose.
Why do you feel comfortable?
Why do you feel that it is so familiar?
Why are you drawn, like an asteroid into a black hole, Towards a relationship with a much younger woman who's had a traumatic, unprocessed history, who's been, as you say, quasi-raped, who has a father who she's afraid to talk to honestly for fear that he will murder someone?
Murder someone?
Why is it that you, forget about her, forget about her history, look at What train tracks in your life are leading you down into this tunnel, are leading you down into this little hell, into this void, into this abyss?
Right? Now, if you really got, and look, I mean, again, I know this sounds critical, but I want to be very clear, right?
If you really got real-time relationships, then you'd say, okay, so self-esteem attracts self-esteem.
Like attracts like. So instead of focusing on her low self-esteem as if you're there to help her with a problem called low self-esteem that she has and you don't, ask yourself, why do I feel comfortable with somebody who has that low self-esteem?
Or another way of asking it is to say, how would I feel if I were dating somebody?
Who was a 35-year-old doctor who was entirely competent and professional and organized and knew what she wanted to do with her life and was doing it and had a successful career.
I mean, it doesn't have anything to do with money.
She could be an artist. It doesn't matter.
Right? How would you feel around somebody who was that confident, that accomplished, that professional?
And so if somebody introduces you to that woman, right?
Let's just say it's a year from now, whatever.
Or two or whatever, right?
And someone says, oh yeah, this woman, she's 35.
She's great. She's really competent.
She's a doctor. She's doing exactly what she wants with her life.
She's professional.
She owns her own place.
She's got a nice car. She's, you know, whatever, right?
She's totally set. She's How would you feel going out for dinner with someone like that?
Are you going to be like Andy with Alanis Morissette in Weeds Season 5, I think?
If you haven't seen it, watch a couple of those.
Because she's like, I don't know.
I'm a doctor.
I'm too old.
You're kind of like a man-boy.
I don't have time to waste. I'm not saying that.
I'm just guessing, right? But the question you need to ask yourself is, why, at the age of 36...
Are you most comfortable with a young woman with an unprocessed history of trauma, with significant commitment and trust issues, with the ability to, you know, boldface, boldface, lie to your face for months and to maintain that?
Why is it that you're comfortable with that?
What template? What history?
What stencil has made that the only outline that your heart can handle?
That it's happened twice?
I mean, I know you said you've had other relationships, but it's not about the girl.
I hesitate to call this person even a woman.
It's not about the girl. It's not about what she did to you.
Yes, it's reprehensible.
No question. It's hideous.
That's a relationship. It's not even ending the relationship.
That's just hitting the nuclear button on the relationship.
So, I mean, don't get me wrong.
I'm not saying, oh, it's all you.
No, no, no. I mean, her behavior is just appalling and wretched and ridiculous.
And, I mean, you can't even call it childish because children don't do that.
But you're focusing on her.
Now, here's what could happen, in my opinion.
This is where you can turn.
If you don't learn anything from a disaster, it doesn't even become an opportunity.
If a disaster is simply externalized into the other person's fault, and what am I going to do from a practical standpoint, then it remains merely a disaster, and it doesn't become an opportunity.
Now, here's the opportunity that I would suggest.
The opportunity that I would suggest for you is to sit down and say, I'm comfortable with this woman.
It's happened before. Who is this woman like?
What was my parents' marriage like?
What was my relationship with my mother like?
Did my parents have any problems with infidelity?
Did I feel that my mother was a trustworthy person?
What's my mother's self-esteem like?
What's my father's self-esteem like?
What kind of templates for relationships did I inherit from my parents, from my culture, from my community, from if I was raised religious, from my religious community, from my aunts, from my uncles, from my second cousins, from my third cousins, bastards, roommate, whatever, right?
What is the template for relationships that I have?
What are my friends? What is my friend's self-esteem like?
Do they end up in these similar sorts of problems?
You see, you think it's about whether you should fight for this woman or not.
No. Love is not a medieval jousting tournament, right?
It's not. You don't sort of, oh, if I get jealous enough, then she won't sleep with someone else.
That is... I mean, that is beneath even a soap opera.
This is not how love works.
This is not, you know, oh, if I don't get angry enough, then she's going to go and sleep with someone else.
That's insane. I mean, I'm not saying you're crazy.
I'm just saying that that kind of thinking, this is a kind of infection that's passing from the woman to you, right?
Which is that, you know, do you think she's telling the truth to this guy?
And what the hell kind of quality is this guy that he's willing to have a long distance, to sleep with someone who's living with another guy?
I mean, what kind of... What shit personality is that, right?
What kind of mess of a human being is that?
They're sort of plotting behind your back to maybe get together at some point.
He's going to get a visa. I mean, good lord.
I mean, yeah, I agree. They deserve each other.
I think that's wretched. I mean, come on.
You say to me that...
And again, it's not criticism.
You ask for sort of an outside perspective.
This is my outside perspective.
You say to me, we don't have enough money for therapy, but we're going to take a two or three week Caribbean vacation.
I mean, come on, that can buy a lot of therapy, right?
That can buy a lot of therapy.
And however much fun a Caribbean vacation is, and it is, it's not going to solve these sorts of problems.
And since you are obviously making some decent coin, why is therapy only required for her?
Why is it really only focused on getting her into therapy?
Right? It does not sound to me like she's a candidate for therapy at the moment.
What do I know? But that's just my gut instinct.
It doesn't sound to me like she's a candidate for therapy at the moment at all.
Because she's in too much of a place of immorality and falsehood and I mean, it's damn close to evil, right?
I mean, you sleep with someone there, medical repercussions.
What if this guy has herpes? She comes home and sleeps with you.
I mean, there are significant repercussions to this kind of behavior.
And who knows if this is the only time?
I mean, there's zero way to know at the moment.
So, yeah, I mean, but you're all about what she needs to get into therapy because she has problems.
It's like, dude, you're the one who's with her.
Dude, you're the one who's with her.
Why is it that she's the candidate for therapy and you're not?
You're with her. I mean, if you get into a sinking boat...
Well, that's not a great metaphor because you didn't know that the boat was sinking.
So... Yeah, the answer to this, the opportunity to not have this reproduce itself, the opportunity that you can take advantage of to not have this replicate itself would be to look into your own history, to look into your own templates, to look at where the definition of relationships and trust and self-esteem and confidence and honesty and security and love.
Where does this come from?
I love her. I mean, come on, man.
Come on. She's slept around on you.
She has no boundaries with her friends.
Can't even, like, you're putting people up and she won't even deal with it.
And you say, oh, I want her to deal with it because it's her friend.
No. Look, if she's not going to deal with it, you deal with it.
It's your apartment, right?
So, I mean, it's your apartment, too.
Your flat, too. So, as far as the practicalities go...
Again, it's not just my opinion, but I tell you, I would not let the sun go down and stay in the same house as this woman.
That would be my approach.
I've had to deal with this once, and yeah, it was just done like dinner.
And it was not this far out, and it was just sort of an excessive flirtation, but no, it's like, no, no, no, no.
No. I mean, there's no way that you could have a relationship...
I'm sorry to laugh, because I know it's painful, right?
But I'm just... It's such a ludicrous thing that, you know, she's lying to you, and she's slept with this guy, lied to your face for months.
Who knows if this is the first time she's carrying on a passionate sexual affair with him while having very little sex with you.
Obviously, I mean, how else could it be?
How else could it be? But...
No, I mean, it's done.
It's done like dinner. It is unrecoverable.
It is unfixable. There is no restitution that is possible to make the agony of this go away.
Even if she got it, even if she understood, the fact is that every day she doesn't confess.
It's just another confirmation.
If there is infidelity, if there is anything like this in a relationship...
If you've done this, you have to confess.
You have to confess because if you wait till you're caught, it's done.
If you wait till you're caught, it's done.
Because then the person will never know whether you ever would have confessed or whether you're only sorry that you got caught.
So the fact is that she's had months and months and she has continued to go.
I mean, come on. And look, she left the letter open.
She wants to be caught.
She wants this to be over. She wants this to be done.
I mean, she's so passive she couldn't even tell her friend to move out.
And so how can she end the relationship with you?
She left the letter there so you would read it so that you would end it.
This is as clear as things can possibly be in unconsciously motivated behavior.
So yeah, I mean, just do the right thing.
I mean, oh, so there are friends coming to visit.
Well, Jesus, man.
I mean, what the hell does that have to do with anything?
Your woman stepped around on you and she's continuing to have a passionate affair where you can't kiss her on camera and she's lying to you completely about it.
I mean, dear God, man, sack up, have some pride.
And in my view, the person who's wrong is the one who has to leave.
The person who's committed infidelity is the one who's got to get her shit and move out.
And yeah, I'm sorry if it's inconvenient for her social life, and I'm sorry if it's inconvenient for other people, and I'm sorry if her family might take it amiss.
So what? I mean, that doesn't matter.
That's just other people's opinions and misinterpretations and twisting and whatever.
Who cares about that? The reality is you know what the truth is.
So, you know, if I were in your Woden shoes, I would say, sit down and say, sorry, but I did read the letter because I had some suspicions.
I make no apologies for that.
I make no apologies for that.
I mean, if I were you, I would make no apologies for that.
Yeah, she might say, well, that was a private letter.
It's like, no, no, no. Don't you stop pulling ethics on me.
Don't you stop pulling ethics on me at the moment, miss sleeping around with a guy for three and a half months and carrying on a long-distance relationship while telling me to my face that you were only friends.
Don't you dare try and pulling any ethics with me, woman.
I mean, that would just be ridiculous.
No, you should have absolutely no...
She gave you cause to believe that she was lying.
And the letter was right there.
It was open. You opened it and flipped through it.
You know, if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to hide, right?
I mean, if a listener sends me a letter, Christina can read it.
Not that she does, but if she ever wanted to, that's completely fine.
Open it and whatever, right?
That's completely fine. I mean, I don't have any secrets.
I don't have any mistresses.
I don't have anything like that. So, you know, if the letter is a friendly letter, yeah, why not?
Pick it up and open it. There's no secrets.
So the idea that sort of went through and checked things and verified things, well, of course.
I mean, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
You should feel no shame about that.
In fact, I can't believe you didn't do it sooner.
So I'm glad that you did it when you did it.
And the idea that this is any kind of ethical problem, given the situation, is completely lunatic.
And don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
You did exactly the right thing.
You should have done it sooner. It was responsible.
It was the mature thing to do.
It was the virtuous thing to do because you have to protect your heart and your interests.
And if you're being lied to, if you're being lied to, Then, as you say, all bets are off, right?
So all bets are off once you get reasonable suspicion that you're being lied to.
And then you have to go and verify.
And then if you find out that there's nothing, then there's nothing to apologize for.
Oh yeah, I had a look at this letter. The guy seems really friendly.
He seems like a nice guy.
There's nothing untoward in it so good, right?
But no, people who are caught will always try and turn the tables and caught in this kind of situation will always say, I can't believe you went through my stuff and then you went through my computer.
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on. Let's not go down the road of me being a bad person here, of me doing the wrong thing here.
Let's focus on the big picture here.
But no, I think that it's like, hey, you have six hours to move out.
And you can go stay with your friend.
You can go do whatever. You can go and stay in a hotel.
It really doesn't matter. You can go wherever.
But no, we're done.
Now, I mean, this is what I would say.
Now, if there are complete practical considerations as to why this can't possibly happen for another day or so, then, you know, it's up to you.
And if you want to move out, then you move out, right?
Leave her with the place or whatever.
That's fine. But that would be my approach.
And, you know, please, please look into therapy for yourself.
Please, please If you want to talk about your family history, if you think I would be helpful with that, that would be fine.
But the really, really important thing is stop focusing on what's been done to you, which I completely sympathize with.
It's wretched. It's horrible.
It's a betrayal that The outrage of which I feel about the betrayal can barely be expressed in words.
But the reality is that you got into this relationship.
There were signs. The woman has unprocessed trauma.
The woman has a quasi-rape which she's not processed, has not seen therapy for.
There is no magic.
No one gets to bypass the need for self-knowledge.
No one gets to bypass the need to resolve trauma and trauma of that kind with an expert.
Please, please understand.
There's no shortcuts. There's no, you know, well, okay, she's had this traumatic history, but she seems like a lot of fun.
No, no, no, no.
A thousand times no. There is no shortcut.
Nobody gets to overleap this stuff.
Nobody gets to overleap this stuff.
Nobody who is circumcised magically grows back their foreskin.
No Chinese woman whose foot was bound magically grows back her feet.
Nobody who sustains some muscle or tendon or bone-warping injury gets to regain their flexibility without rehab.
There's no magic.
People who are broken stay broken until they work very damn hard to fix themselves.
People who are traumatized stay traumatized until they work very damn hard with a professional to fix themselves.
Right? So when you see someone who's got low self-esteem, who's got a family history of abuse and trauma, and you should say being treated like a slave, that is not going to change.
That is only going to get worse over the person's life until significant intervention occurs.
Nobody who's a drug addict is going to magically just stop being a drug addict.
I'd become all better and all healthier.
There's no lightning that comes out of a clear blue sky and rearranges our personalities in a more rational and effective manner.
It takes work. It takes years.
It takes commitment. It takes money to fix ourselves.
And we can be very strong once we fix it ourselves.
But there is no magic.
So if you're interested in some woman in the future, and she's like, oh yeah, well my dad did this terrible stuff, and my mom did this terrible stuff, and then they beat each other up, and then I got divorced, and then I was nearly raped by some guy, I'd be like, And have you seen anyone about this?
Have you done any counseling?
What work have you done?
Oh, I don't need to. I'm fine.
I've dealt with it. It's in the past.
It's like, run!
Run! Run, run, run, run!
There's no shortcut. There's no magic.
Watch FDRURL.com forward slash BIB, the Bomber of the Brain series.
Trauma changes the brain.
It can be rewired.
Neuroplasticity does allow us.
To change our brains, to regrow, to re-enervate, to re-energize, to rewire.
But it is a hell of a lot of painful and difficult work.
Most people you meet in life should psychologically be in wheelchairs.
And they can get out of wheelchairs, but nobody gets a spring out of them.
It takes a lot of work, years of rehab, and painful, difficult stuff.
You, my friend, are one of those people.
You, my friend, are one of those people because you're in this relationship and because you're self-criticizing About checking a letter from a woman who'd been lying to you and who you had every reason to believe was lying to you.
And because you're focusing entirely on her history and her past and her child and not yours.
And not yours. It means you're in relationships with others.
This is my guess, right? What the hell do I know?
This is just my idiot opinion, right?
You're in relationships with women who have low self-esteem so that you can mask your own low self-esteem.
So you choose people who are marginally Less functional than you are so that you can feel more functional.
And I guarantee you, almost 100%, if you look at your family history, you will see the same pattern, probably from your father to your mother, that your mother was less competent than your father and he stayed with her so that he could feel more confident and hide his own lack of self-esteem by being, quote, there for somebody who has even lower self-esteem.
Right? And that is really not healthy.
It's not healthy for the person whose self-esteem you're trying to prop up for your own selfish reasons.
And it certainly is not healthy for you because it masks the issues that you need to deal with.
So people who are in relationships with addicts or whatever, they're in relationships with addicts so that they can continually focus on the other person's drama and soap opera and up and down and panics and catastrophes.
So that they can focus on the other person so they never need to look at themselves, so they never need to deal with their own stuff, so they never need to look at their own histories.
So if you had a parent who had some sort of significant mental health problem or substance abuse problem or functionality problem or was depressed or was anxious or had some sort of significant impairment in functionality and you were there to prop up that problem, I would guess your mom. Then this is exactly why you're in these kinds of relationships.
Because you weren't allowed to have needs of your own, because you weren't allowed to have preferences of your own, because your self-esteem was not allowed to develop, because you were constantly there propping up somebody else when you were a child.
And this has become your pattern.
And that's what you need to deal with.
Don't be with people who are less functional than you are.
Don't. It's bad for them because it doesn't help their self-esteem to have someone around saying constantly, hey, you seem to have low self-esteem.
Let me help. Hey, I have great self-esteem.
You have low self-esteem. Let me help.
I'd love to help you with that low self-esteem thing.
All they hear is low self-esteem, right?
And they resent you. And they get back at you, say for instance, by having affairs.
That is a huge amount of rage towards you.
And if my idiot amateur opinion is at all correct, then you're in a relationship with her as a way of avoiding your own issues, your own history, your own family history, whatever has caused you to need to be with wrecks like this.
And yet you have passed yourself off as somebody with more self-esteem who's more healthy.
She's going to resent that. She's going to dislike that.
She's going to hate that. She's going to, right?
You've become her dad, right?
And so, yeah, she's going to have an affair.
And then she's going to leave a letter so that you can get as heard as possible.
Because, you know, I'm not saying any of this is conscious.
I'm not saying there's maliciousness. But this is the way that things play out in the absence of self-knowledge.
Anyway, yeah, my advice, since you asked for it, and I don't like to tell people what to do, and certainly, you know, never substitute my judgment for yours, obviously.
This is just, you asked my advice, and I will give it.
End it. It is pathological.
It is not healthy. It is a sick thing.
To be in this relationship.
End it and get into therapy and get to the root of why you need to be with, you know, the walking wounded in this way.
It is not because you're healthy and it's not because you can help them, but it's for something that is much sadder deep down and much more lost and broken deep down.
And through that process, you can open up the avenue to find real love in the future.
And thank you so much for the letter. It was a very vulnerable and honest and powerful thing to write.
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