Dec. 27, 2008 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
15:10
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| Hi everybody, it's Steph. This is part two of Adventures in Daddyland, and thank you to those who sent me some positive feedback on the first one. | |
| And it's Saturday, 5pm. | |
| It is December the 27th today, and I suppose I have been a Dettles for just over a week now. | |
| And it's... | |
| It's still wonderful. | |
| It's still magical. My heart doth overflow. | |
| It's funny, though. You know, this is interesting. | |
| I was talking about this with Christina yesterday. | |
| I feel, I mean, immense attachment and devotion and worship of my glorious daughter. | |
| But the interesting thing is, I don't actually feel a very strong sense of my daughter yet. | |
| I think it's because babies are, let's say, not particularly gender-specific unless you're actually changing them. | |
| But I don't feel a strong sense of, you know, this is my daughter, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. | |
| I don't feel a very strong sense of that. | |
| I do feel, you know, my baby and so on, although I have been, you know, Christina says she's ours, and of course I agree with that, but I also like to think that we're hers, right? | |
| Because in terms of the authority relationship, that's actually how it seems to be going at the moment. | |
| As far as sleeping goes, the arrangement that the great Christina and I have worked out is, well, actually, what she has sort of offered is that she will take two of the night feedings, which gives me a chance for six or seven hours sleep. | |
| It's a little less than I normally need, but it's no problem, of course. | |
| And then what happens is, during the day, in between feedings, Christina can have a two-hour nap three or four times a day because I will then take the gorgeous Isabella during the day in between feeds. | |
| Isabella is now at about a pretty regular schedule of feeding every three hours. | |
| The feeding takes 45 minutes to an hour because sometimes it's hard to get a table. | |
| That gives Christina two hours at a stretch. | |
| So if she gets three of those in, and then she also dozes a little bit at night, she's getting... | |
| I mean, it's not ideal, but she's getting seven to eight hours a day, though not continually, which I think is about as good as it can be. | |
| And the good thing about... | |
| That arrangement is that, obviously, I can take it during the day because I don't need to nap during the day because I'm getting a decent amount of sleep at night. | |
| But also, it's very helpful because, you know, one of us has to drive and you don't want to be driving on two hours of sleep, right? | |
| That's definitely, you know, with the whole family in the car, that's not good. | |
| So, yesterday, we went shopping and picked up some of the stuff, you know, nursing pillows and first baby toys and so on. | |
| And... It was interesting because on the way back, this is what I mean when I say that Isabella is a fantastic project leader for the Let's Keep Isabella Healthy and Happy project. | |
| She's an excellent participant in the family because what happened was we wanted to drive home and I guess her clothes were thicker or more bunched up or maybe one of us had inadvertently tightened the car seat, but Isabella cried. | |
| When we put her in the car seat and tightened it up, and it did seem a little tight, so we were struggling with it in the car, but of course there's no room and no light and all that, so we ended up taking the car seat out of the car and going off to the store where we bought the car seat from, which we were at a mall, so it wasn't so bad. | |
| We got some help so that now we can loosen the car seat because it was kind of tight. | |
| We hadn't sort of figured out how to loosen the car seat straps and then put them back in. | |
| Put Isabella in and then tighten them again. | |
| So we got putting her in and it was pretty tight. | |
| So her crying about the discomfort of the car seat straps being a little too tight was fantastic because, of course, what it gave us was the opportunity to have them fit better for her, which is, of course, what we want is her comfort. | |
| And so it actually makes things a lot easier and better now that she's had that complaint about what it is that we're doing. | |
| Thank you. I don't know if I'm sort of... | |
| I may be over-explaining it, but I just think that's really important for when you have kids to recognize that when they're crying, they're really, really, really, really trying to help you, trying to get you what you want, which is their comfort and happiness and security. | |
| So that's wonderful. She's growing a little. | |
| And you know what's interesting? It makes me feel kind of emotional, but every time I think... | |
| Every day I think of... | |
| Of Isabella getting older, I think that's one day that she will never be that small again. | |
| And that may sound kind of odd, but that's a really moving thing to me as a new parent, right? | |
| To really savor, to really savor every day that that is occurring. | |
| They're not going to come back, right? | |
| She will never be... | |
| She will never have a first week of life again. | |
| She will never be that small, that helpless, and that dependent again. | |
| And that is really quite amazing. | |
| I mean, she's getting very close to being able to actually put her thumb into her mouth. | |
| I can see her working, you know, trying to lever these huge appendages to her around to do what she wants to do. | |
| And... It is really just fascinating to see that she's getting really close. | |
| So she will never pass this way again to be that small and helpless and dependent and it's a beautiful thing and it really does help me to really appreciate and enjoy every day that I get to spend with her in this state. | |
| Already her face is filling out because she's gaining about 100 grams a day at this point which is exactly what she should be doing. | |
| So, already her face is filling out, her arms are getting stronger, her legs are getting stronger, her bowel movements are more consistent, and every day is never going to rewind itself. | |
| I'm never going to have a baby that new and small again. | |
| At least not her, right? We haven't other kids, I don't know. | |
| But that is something that if you become parents, I'm guessing, I can think that it would be easy to fall into this sort of thing where The days are kind of a blur, you know, because, I mean, you're up half the night, you're tired and so on, right? | |
| But if you remember, I don't mean to lecture parents, it's silly, I'm so new, right? | |
| But if you understand that they're never going to pass this way again and be this size and be this cute, well, of course, they'll be cute in different ways, but they'll never be this way again every day that passes, particularly at this age, right? | |
| Because there are such huge changes that occur At this age. | |
| So, that's something to remember, I think. | |
| Now, as far as activities go, I guess there's been a minor graduation. | |
| She's now sleeping in a bassinet, in a Moses basket, which she wasn't able to do for the first couple of days. | |
| She's still not really sleeping in her crib. | |
| The way that she falls asleep is in Christina's breast or on my chest. | |
| Those are the only two places that she really sleeps, and then we can put her into a bassinet after she falls asleep. | |
| And that's nice, right? | |
| I mean, that's nice. As I mentioned, it's not that she loves me. | |
| It's not that Isabella loves me. | |
| But she bonds, right? | |
| And acquiring the trust of a baby I don't think it's a small feat, and obviously it's very, very important to gain her trust, to be a secure source of comfort and happiness and fun for her, and affection and smiles and coos and kisses and all that. | |
| It's very important. It's essential, really, of course, to be that for her so that she feels comfortable and secure when I'm around and looks forward to my presence. | |
| Because all of this, of course, is going to be the basis of authority in the future when that authority becomes necessary, which will be, of course, quite Sometime from now, and I'm sure we'll be applied with a very light touch. | |
| But love is the root of authority, in my strong opinion. | |
| And so, if I can't get her affection, I can't have any authority. | |
| If she doesn't like me, or prefer my presence, let's say, then I won't have any authority with her. | |
| She gets older, so that aspect to me is very, very important to gain her trust insofar as to be a consistent source of pleasure and happiness and fun. | |
| So, we've gotten to the point where, as far as activities go, I mean, I've developed a couple of little silly games with her, right? | |
| Making smacking noises while slowly descending to kiss her cheek once on either side. | |
| And she does squirm in anticipation. | |
| I hope fun. We'll find out when she gets older. | |
| Brings a lawsuit against me for eating her cheeks. | |
| So those kinds of repetitive games I'm doing, you know, where I kiss her hands and then she opens her hands and I kiss her fingertips, that is something else that we're sort of getting the hang of. | |
| And I'm trying to get that repetitive cause and effect thing going, I think is very important. | |
| Holding her up to windows because she's fascinated by light and the play of light and dark on blinds and curtains and so on. | |
| Holding her up to that I think is very important and helpful for her. | |
| She's gotten to the point where she can lie on my chest on her back while I hold. | |
| We bought a big fairy tale book which is very colorful and I hold that up above her. | |
| I'm not following along with the text. | |
| It won't really mean anything to her but I'm reading the fairy tales To her. | |
| And she seems to really enjoy that. | |
| She calms down when that occurs. | |
| She's very focused and alert when that is occurring. | |
| So that is something, that's sort of another activity that, actually activity, I mean I really enjoy it, but that's another activity. | |
| Singing to her, of course, is I think very important. | |
| So I can sit with my knees up and I can prop her up against my knees so that her head is just below my knees and I can play with her feet or play with her hands and I can sing to her. | |
| And one of the things that I'm trying to To get her to understand, which I'm sure she already does, is, you know, if I'm singing a song like All Shook Up or something which has a really regular kind of rap-like beat, then I will... | |
| Move my legs in time with the music so she gets a sense that language and rhythm and language has a reference to the physical world, right? | |
| So that when she hears the words of the song and she feels the movement beneath her that's in rhythm with the words, that words mean things, right? | |
| Or words and matter have an effect. | |
| And again, I've tried explaining to this over and over, but she's not quite there yet. | |
| But so little things like that I think are important. | |
| But for the most part, it's around just smiling at her and I'm playing with her and showing her various things. | |
| So that's sort of the next thing that's been occurring for me as a father. | |
| And as I mentioned in a recent podcast, making sure that I am remaining an effective and positive co-parent for Christina, right? | |
| That Christina is really happy with the way that Things are working out in terms of our co-parenting. | |
| That's really, really important to me. | |
| And, of course, reminding my wife that I love her even more and she's even sexier than she was before because, you know, the sex cause and effect has had a pretty strong correlation for us. | |
| And so she's even sexier and it's earthier, right, to see her because she's the mother of my child and it's all too beautiful for words. | |
| So the reminding her of how attractive and sexy and how much I love her and all of that I think is really really important and I think it's really important or at least I found it to be really important as well to make sure that the emotions flow because it's such a big transition that It's easy to get lost in the details and not to look at the big picture of, you know, this beautiful, healthy life that we have summoned from the fruits of our loins into our lives. | |
| It's very easy to get into the details of the diaper changes and, you know, peepees all over you. | |
| It's easy to forget that big picture stuff. | |
| And whenever I remember the big picture, It is very moving to me. | |
| I mean, it's very emotional. | |
| It's very beautiful. | |
| It makes me weepy just to even think about what a wonderful gift this child's life is. | |
| And to... | |
| I mean, as usual, Christina is more passionate than I am and more openly expressed with her emotions than I am. | |
| So, just remembering to keep my heart open and to give eye contact with Isabella that is more than just, you know, the staring contest, but to tell her how much I love her, how happy I am that she's in my life, and if I feel emotional, just to smile through the tears and to keep that Deep eye contact with her, I think, is going to be very important. | |
| I'd really like her to grow up to not be afraid of eye contact, you know, in the way that most people are, sort of nervous about eye contact. | |
| I'd really like Isabella to not feel nervous about that. | |
| You know, we used to do these exercises in theatre school where eye contact would be made and held and everybody got kind of freaked out. | |
| So I'd like her to feel less nervous about eye contact than I did growing up in England. | |
| Nobody ever looks at you anyway. | |
| That's what hats are for. So that's the other aspects of fatherhood that I thought might be of interest to you. | |
| And I'm obviously going to try and keep these podcasts short. | |
| And please let me know if this stuff is of help or of use to you. | |
| And thank you again so much for the gift of being able to spend... | |
| So much time with my daughter. | |
| It is a true gift and it is your support of what we're doing, of what I'm doing, that has made it possible. |
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