Feb. 19, 2008 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
13:06
| 
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| Hi, everybody. It's Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain Radio. | |
| This next two-part series on fear of women, or man's fear of women, is lengthy but well worth listening to, I think. | |
| And I thought I would start off with a post that a listener had posted on the Free Domain Radio board, which sparked some very interesting discussions and emotional reactions from people. | |
| And I've checked with him. | |
| He's fine. So this is what he posted. | |
| Relationship help. I've recently met a wonderful girl we've been dating for about two months now. | |
| She's really caring, respectful, honest and open. | |
| I've really been trying to apply what I've learned here at FDR to this relationship. | |
| I've put in extra effort and have felt our communication is really open. | |
| Recently I've run into troubles talking about religion and what happens when you die. | |
| It's not that she is religious. | |
| Her parents are, but she does have one belief, souls carry on into the afterlife, that I've been frustrated with. | |
| It seems we can talk about everything and anything, but when this came up, we, for the first time, got into a bit of an argument. | |
| No yelling, it just got emotional. | |
| I've recently purchased the RTR book. | |
| I've been applying what I learned from before and I'm feverishly working through it. | |
| I've been on FDR for some time now, so I am fairly familiar with the content and the books. | |
| I've posted a letter she wrote me today. | |
| She's not too versed in philosophy and doesn't really take too much of an interest in it. | |
| Maybe this is why I'm having troubles. | |
| Please, please, if you can provide any insight, I would really appreciate it. | |
| This girl is really great in every other aspect, and I don't want this ripple to turn into a wave that destroys the relationship. | |
| And then he posted a letter from her, which went something like this. | |
| Dear boyfriend, You are really important to me. | |
| I care about you a lot, and I want you in my life. | |
| Religion is not important to me. | |
| I usually never think about religion, but I must say, I have probably discussed religion with you more during the last two months than I have thought about it in years. | |
| Although I do not see it as something evil, maybe it is, but I don't know that. | |
| I don't understand it. | |
| You can give me examples of KKK, and I can give you examples of football games. | |
| My mother and ex enjoy going to church, and I do not mind going with them. | |
| I have never read the Bible, nor do I plan on ever reading the Bible. | |
| I don't own a Bible. | |
| It does not bother me that people I know choose to go to church. | |
| It does not bother me that you choose not to go to church. | |
| Going to church with my mom does not have any negative impact on my life. | |
| I go there. I sit. | |
| I stand. I look around. | |
| I don't participate in the singing. | |
| I usually have no idea what they are talking about. | |
| And I think about how all of my mom's friends are going to say at the tea, Oh, you're the daughter. | |
| Your mother is so proud. | |
| Blah, blah, blah. And I smile and nod and say, I'm only in town visiting for a few days, blah blah blah, and then we go home. | |
| That is a typical, daughter goes to church with her mom. | |
| It bothers me that when I asked you what you thought if I went to church with my mom, how you felt and that you said that you would be disappointed. | |
| You said you weren't sure why, but that you would be. | |
| Well, I don't think it's right that you should be disappointed. | |
| You choose to be an atheist. | |
| You choose to think about how wrong and corrupt religion is. | |
| I choose not to think anything about religion. | |
| Whether it is good or bad, it does not impact my day-to-day life. | |
| It does not interest me. | |
| I do not want to debate religion with you. | |
| I can't defend myself and my thinking because I do not have any background info about the topic and I do not wish to read about it or educate myself about how good or bad it is. | |
| It bothers me, really bothers me, that you call me inconsistent. | |
| I think that it is really rude. | |
| Just because you believe everything has to be a concrete, known, proven fact, and because I agree with some things, although I may have other ideas, faiths, beliefs about other things that are more abstract, does not make what I believe wrong or inconsistent. | |
| I deal with a lot of stressful situations. | |
| Including death, at work. | |
| By believing that someone is somewhere better with other loved ones who have passed away, it is not wrong thinking. | |
| It is my coping mechanism. | |
| It's the way I deal with death. | |
| It helps me help the family cope. | |
| Trying to be strong for family members who have just lost a loved one is a very difficult job. | |
| By hearing you say, what's your reasoning for believing that, what proof is there, it really makes me feel unsure of myself. | |
| It makes me doubt myself. | |
| It makes me second-guess what I believe in. | |
| I like believing that someone is in a better place once they die. | |
| I don't need to waste my time thinking about religion or beliefs. | |
| I have my beliefs, and you have yours. | |
| As for one day, when hopefully everything works out wonderfully and we have some beautiful kids and the topic of church comes up, well, for me, I would not choose to take the kids to church because it does not interest me. | |
| If I was at my mom's and she wants to take us, well, it wouldn't bother me. | |
| Will one day once or twice a year have a dramatic negative effect? | |
| Personally, I don't think so. | |
| Obviously, you think otherwise, as you said, no kid of mine will ever go to church. | |
| I think what struck me was the fact that it was a no-negotiation comment. | |
| I don't think either person has the right to make those decisions. | |
| Shouldn't it be, this is the way I feel, and for these reasons I would prefer my child did not go to church? | |
| Not just a, they are not going. | |
| I felt like saying, well, who made you boss? | |
| I guess I didn't realize how strongly you felt about religion. | |
| I think if you had addressed the issues of not taking the kids to church differently, then I wouldn't have felt defensive about it. | |
| I just didn't like the way it made me feel when you said it that way. | |
| Makes me wonder if there are any other rules to follow. | |
| What is important to me is you. | |
| You make me really happy. | |
| I have a lot of fun with you. | |
| I feel like I can really trust you. | |
| But I do feel like there are some things that need to be worked out. | |
| Religion is not important to me. | |
| I do not want to lose this relationship because of it. | |
| I go to church with my mom because it makes her happy. | |
| I don't need to go, but if I decide to stop going, It won't be because it makes you unhappy that I go. | |
| I want you in my life, but I also have to stand up for what I believe in. | |
| I will not let someone make decisions for me or my life. | |
| I hope that when you read this it doesn't come across as bad. | |
| I'm trying to get my thoughts out. | |
| I'm trying to sort out how I feel. | |
| I know, hope, we can sort this all out. | |
| Now, I replied and said, I'm sorry to hear about these difficulties. | |
| With the little hug icon, I said, can you describe to me in detail what you admire about this woman? | |
| I'd like to know more about her value. | |
| To you, thanks. | |
| And he said, thanks. | |
| Well, here it goes. Hopefully this is what you're looking for. | |
| I don't want to go into any particular details about this. | |
| This woman, she's cute, steady, well-paying job, on track in life, made me laugh. | |
| We had a great time on our first date. | |
| I was surprised to how open she was to some of the ideas I presented to her concerning religion and the family. | |
| I didn't break into my distaste for government, though I thought I should pace myself. | |
| I'm not always the best at communicating these ideas. | |
| Since the beginning, I was using what little I knew about RTR, specifically speaking how one feels while in the moment, and it has worked really well. | |
| Nothing but compliments about how, quote, different this relationship felt from others and how clear my communication was. | |
| I guess that's from her. She was reciprocating to a slightly lesser degree, I think because the concept was fairly new to her. | |
| She admitted that she felt reluctant at times for fear of being hurt. | |
| I accepted that and tried to lead by example and also create an environment where she felt comfortable. | |
| This girl is very thoughtful and fair. | |
| I've had troubles in the past spending money on women because I felt they weren't appreciative or were taking advantage of me. | |
| It has never been the case with this one. | |
| It sometimes feels like there is a fight to treat each other to dinner, movies, etc. | |
| She does a lot of little things I don't expect that makes all the difference. | |
| Showing up with a box of my favorite tea, sneaking out to buy my favorite chocolate for dessert, planning in secret special evenings for the two of us, etc. | |
| Her generosity feels really genuine. | |
| Communication has been exceptional. | |
| She tells me what's on her mind. | |
| And until this recent topic, no topic or issue is out of bounds. | |
| She has explained family issues that she's gone through, and when I spoke about some of the myths surrounding the family, she agreed. | |
| It didn't feel like the ideas were that much of a stretch from her current thoughts. | |
| I feel I really know exactly where I stand when it comes to how she feels about me. | |
| I haven't spoken the words I love you to her yet, but I've been thinking about them for a while. | |
| My reason for this is that I truly want to be sure I mean them when I say them. | |
| I don't feel it's far off. | |
| And he's talking a little bit more about reactions to one of my books. | |
| And then he says, I remember hearing you, Steph, describe how you run down the stairs to meet your wife when she comes home at the end of the day. | |
| First time I heard that, I thought it was kind of crazy. | |
| But when I meet up with this girl, I feel similar. | |
| I can't help but smile and proceed to run over and pick her off her feet with a big hug. | |
| We recently went to my parents' house for five days, about 400 kilometers away. | |
| My parents really enjoyed her company, as did my friends. | |
| My mom pulled me aside and commented that she really likes her. | |
| I also received emails from friends, very unusual, about how they thought she was really nice and were glad to see me so happy. | |
| My roommate has told me on several occasions that I'm a little like a kid in a candy store, really happy when I'm with her. | |
| She's patient and caring. | |
| She creates this environment where I feel comfortable disclosing really personal information with her, stuff that I'm still fairly insecure about. | |
| She really takes the time to sit and talk about things that bother me and helps me to seek solutions. | |
| I feel amazing around her. | |
| She really complements my life. | |
| We can be silly, goofy, hyper, but also calm, patient, and serious. | |
| I'm really worried about this ripple because I do feel I have a lot to lose. | |
| How in line does someone have to be? | |
| This is the first little inconsistency I found, and it really scares me. | |
| Thank you in advance for your time. | |
| And I said to him, I said, she sounds very special. | |
| I wouldn't take a stand on the religion thing if I were you. | |
| If it's any help, I went with Christina's family to church on Easter shortly after we were married. | |
| That way, I looked like the reasonable one when the inevitable confrontations began. | |
| Pushing your girlfriend to take a stand against religion will force an ugly confrontation with her parents, and your relationship is not secure enough for her to do that yet. | |
| Be patient. If her parents are reasonable but uninformed people, they will come around. | |
| If they are defensive and aggressive, they will attack her growing awareness, and you won't have to lift a finger except to comfort her. | |
| You can teach her by example without trying over the long haul. | |
| You don't have to force syllogisms on her. | |
| And we are none of us perfect. | |
| Enjoy the gift. And then Greg, the gentleman in the conversation to come, said, I am confused, annoyed, and frustrated. | |
| Sometimes patience and, quote, pacing is cancelled, as in this thread. | |
| Other times, swift and sure judgment, e.g., life is short, don't waste another precious minute. | |
| I can't seem to identify a clear pattern for which card is played and when. | |
| There must be something in this conversation that this guy had with his girlfriend that led to your assessment, Steph, but I'm ashamed to admit that I'm quite blind to it. | |
| Would you help me to see it? | |
| And I wrote, well, is she actively corrupt or just imperfect? | |
| And... He wrote, well, from what she put in that letter, it seems to me that she is, and I think that means corrupt. | |
| Here's my support for her. | |
| She portrays her ignorance, indifference, and conformity as a virtue and then bullies him with it. | |
| She rejects his emotional experience outright. | |
| It's not right for you to be disappointed. | |
| That's just rude, i.e., who are you to judge? | |
| Then she actually claims that she needs religion as an emotional crutch for her job and that he's the attacker or trying to take that crutch away. | |
| What's more, all of these justifications are in defense of herself. | |
| Not necessarily her parents. | |
| And there was a number of responses saying that we should talk more about this and so on. | |
| And so we did. We had two conference calls with regards to this issue, which I think is very, very important. | |
| And they're long, but I would strongly, strongly suggest making it through them. | |
| There's a lot of very important stuff in there around this question of perfection and having this checklist of perfect conformity to philosophical truths or absolutes and the degree of tolerance and humility that is required, I think, to have positive relationships with people and the difference between corruption and error. | |
| And so, really, really, really, I would strongly suggest having a go through these podcasts, and I look forward to letting you, I look forward to you letting me know what you think. | |
| Thank you so much for listening. | |
| I look forward to your donations. |
Export Selection