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Aug. 7, 2007 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
50:42
836 Sex, Love and Money

Paying for it in many, many ways...

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Good day, everybody. I hope you're doing well.
It's Steph. It is the 7th of August 2007.
One day. One 24-hour period before Christina's 7th annual 22nd birthday.
So, feel free to say hello to her on the boards and to wish her a happy birthday.
So, I hope that you're doing well.
A couple of orders of business before we get down to our most juicy podcast.
If you could go to podcastawards.com.
Free Domain Radio is in the educational category.
And not in the attention category.
We already won that three years running.
If you go down to the education category, Free Domain Radio is something like fifth in that.
Click on that and then go down to the bottom, put your name in and your email.
You can vote once every 24-hour period for each email address that you have.
Whatever you could do.
Perhaps you don't have any scratch.
Perhaps the mail pickup won't accept a kidney.
But what you can do... Is vote for that would be huge for us in terms of keeping people on the site.
If I win that, then of course, if we win that, then it will be huge, something to put on the site, and I'll run a big advertising campaign, and we'll be able to push the pulled bounce rate down from its current 88% or so, and I'm sure it will be lower.
Credibility is efficiency.
So, if you could do that, I would really appreciate it.
On truth, the tyranny of illusion.
Some reviews are coming in from the first round of readers, which you can get from freedomainradio.com.
Glowingly positive, dare I say, well-paid and idolatrous.
So, if you would order a copy of that, it's $19 and change, a couple of bucks for shipping, easy read, well, a short read, about 25,000 words, which is relatively concise for me.
And I think that there's not a single...
It's all new metaphors.
There's not a single reused metaphor from the show, so it's not just a recap, but instead a rehash.
Anyway, so order that book.
I'm sure that you will really, really enjoy it.
It'll be very powerful. I've also written it to be consumable, of course, by people who have never heard a single podcast and have no idea who is the monochrome baldy fellow on the back of the book.
So you can order it for friends, families, and it makes it edible for pets.
So if you could order that, I'm sure that you will enjoy it, and I would certainly appreciate it And donations, of course, always more than welcome.
There have been a whack load of podcasts recently which have gone directly into the premium section for a variety of reasons, including one that is considered a definitive closure on free will by some.
So donate and get access.
So anyway, enough of that.
Let us get on with the podcast. So a gentleman I spoke with a couple of weeks ago...
It was a brother team, and there's no identifying characteristics there or here, so I hope you won't mind if I pillage his board posts for some chat or conversation.
He has a brief history.
His father was not the most energetic man in the world and was not a high-income earner.
His mother was quite enamored of high-income earners and so ditched him for a richer fellow who was abusive towards the two boys from the original father.
And we had a conversation because he said, oh, I'm very close to my mom.
But then the description that he gave of his mom was of a fairly self-involved narcissist.
Well, narcissist self-involved is not necessary.
And so we talked about that, and I suggested that he have more conversations with his mother, which I don't think he's...
He's had a very brief conversation with his mother about right and wrong and good and bad and so on, the source of her legitimate authority, if it was legitimate.
But he hasn't gone too far down that road, but he has had some interesting conversations with some female friends.
Without a doubt, this gentleman is a bit of a player.
And so he says, hey, fellas.
Okay, Steph. You are right, man.
See already? He's got my attention.
Listening to some of the podcasts again regarding women and how to deal with them.
I don't know that I actually put it, how to deal with them.
I pretty much had one of those waking moments today, and I honestly don't know what to say.
I got an email from a friend saying she doesn't want to be around me anymore because she was scared to see me again.
I was like, Hawahat?
She explained to me that she thinks I don't look at her as a friend, but as a sexual object.
I have never had sex with this woman at all, ever.
Nothing even down the road.
Nothing. She told me she didn't want to see me anymore because she felt I saw her literally as nothing but something nice to look at.
That pretty much sent me down really low, and it seems that wasn't the only one.
Took my friend out on Friday just to have some dinner, and she said the same damn thing.
I was like, what?
Actually, his was higher. Again, damn.
Damn. So my question to you guys, what can I read or do to help me change this part?
I freely admit that my issue is I see women who I am attracted to as a sexual option.
Women I don't see as cute I have no issue with and they are cool with me too.
I doubt it. No woman is cool with a guy who doesn't find her at all cute.
Right? Or attractive in any way.
Just as you wouldn't be cool with a woman who put you in the friend zone, right?
If you were attracted to her. Um...
I just don't know how to approach this.
One part of me feels that it's suppressing my sexuality.
Another part sees that it's pushing my wants upon someone who isn't open to them.
It's very tough on me.
I need to change this part of me so I will have continued issues in regards to women.
What can I do? Completely turn myself off sexually to every woman?
But if I do that, then I'll be the nice guy nobody wants.
This is a call for help and assistance.
I'm not trying to be some, oh, look at me, I'm genuinely hurt and need to fix this issue as soon as possible.
Well, first of all, magnificent.
What an incredible thing to bring up with your female friends and to bring into your consciousness.
You are already a different guy than the guy I first talked to or the guy who first posted.
You are already a different guy because, as I've said before, there's a dim and powerful and distant and deep drumbeat of unconscious communication at all times in all relationships.
And so the fact that women are telling you this now is because you're becoming more vulnerable and you're becoming more open and you're becoming stronger and you're not hiding behind the cool finger snap and James Dean player mask, which is fantastic.
And so, you know, kudos, magnificent, brilliant, brave, fabulous what you've done.
So this is great.
So... I asked...
I wrote back. I said, there's no shortcut to dealing with women in an unsexualized manner, based on a conversation a few weeks back.
I would say that you need to look at what you learned from your parents about gender relations, both in how they interacted with peers and with you.
He replied and said, well, mom was a feminist type and would always say about how to treat women nicely.
Treat her well, do this and that, and etc.
So I think I instantly put women as somehow totally different than me.
Now, that's a bit of a leap which I don't quite understand.
So treat women well and so on.
The women is somehow totally different from me.
I don't see how that follows because what that would indicate to me is that you don't expect to be treated well.
But then you are supposed to treat women well, which puts them in a different category.
So I would look upon that and would look upon how your mom treated you and so on.
Mix in getting castrated sexually and We're good to go.
Sailor tongue, poly kisses, anything will come out of my mouth.
Poly issues? I don't even know what that means, but anyway.
But here's a real kicker. When I was nice to a woman, like my mom said, I was too much of a friend to have sex with.
Those women I would invest my life into would not see me as a sexual being.
The lesson I learned from interacting with women nicely was that I would never get sex if I was too nice.
So I went the other way.
I don't know your last name, don't know who you are, nor do I care.
All I care is talking your pants off.
So take-home lesson was, if I am apathetic and don't care at all, I get sex.
Start to care, no sex.
So now I want women in my life as friends to get another perspective on things, but I can't feel close to them.
And that's fantastic, right?
I mean, again, good for you, good for you.
And I said, dear sir, or actually used his call name, which I won't use here, in your mom's eyes, what are men good for?
What are men good for?
It's a very fundamental issue, which we'll talk about, I'm afraid, at some length during this podcast.
It's a very fundamental issue.
What did your opposite-sex parent communicate about the value of your gender?
So, what did your mom believe that men were good for?
What did your father believe that women were good for?
What was the verbal nature of that value?
What was the implicit or acted nature of that value?
So these are things that are very, very important and will completely condition how you deal in sexual matters, whether with the opposite sex, with the same sex, or with a well-oiled hedgehog.
There's lots of different ways to bring this to bear, but it's always going to happen with your sexual relationships.
So he wrote back, he said, My dad was a real pushover in my eyes.
Mom would say to do something he would comply.
Jump? How high? He's a really great person and I love him to death, but he wouldn't be my first choice as a role model.
Very weak in regards to women in his life from my eyes.
Here's the skinny as to why I don't see women as anything other than for sex or not for sex.
I'm scared that saying anything to a woman I have sex with could be manipulated later through the use of sex for performance.
You do this or you don't get that.
Okay, so it's like treats for, like kibbles for a dog, right?
Or back rubs for husbands.
I was very much abused by my girlfriends in this respect.
I would be with a woman and she would start dropping ideas or hints as to what I should do to change my behavior, how I dress, what I do, etc.
I would resist and no sex.
I would comply and sex.
I grew to really hate women.
Yes, hate! As in women are literally only needed for sex.
I can talk with guys about my issues, politics, news, business, etc.
Women get in the way, complain, get offended, and bitch.
Why? Looking at how I view women mentally, I can't see them as worth anything except sex.
And even that is a stretch.
I really hate the power women have in regards to sex.
And spite them for using sex as a weapon.
So even typing this, I'm getting red in the face, pissed off when I think about women and how they use sex.
Veins in the forehead...
Pissed off. Okay, so then he wrote back and I said, he actually answered the question.
I'm sure there's been a mismatch in the timing.
I said, in your mom's eyes, what are men good for?
He said, security, money, shelter, survival, children.
That's my best guess.
That's a pretty good guess. Security.
She left my dad because he wasn't a good provider.
Money. She likes, she values more to less.
Trips, cars, houses are bought with more, not less.
Survival. She saw less money as a pain and more as able to live.
Well, that's not exactly survival, but anyway.
Children. And we won't sort of say what he's saying about that.
So, I said, right, that makes sense.
And what did your mom bring to the table to get all this money and security?
In men's eyes, what was your mom good for?
And he said sex, then companionship.
I wrote back and I said, can you define companionship?
I'm sure the sex part is pretty self-evident.
I said, I mean, men also bring, quote, sex and companionship to a relationship.
But in your mom's eyes, they also have to bring lots and lots of money.
I mean, we're talking cars, houses, trips, lots of money, hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars.
So since the sex and companionship cancel each other out, what did your mom bring extra that was so great as to warrant all the extra money a man had to put in?
And he said, yes, that is true.
Men bring money and provide, in her eyes.
Unfortunately, even nowadays, with the women I am with, they expect things along the same lines.
The ones that I actually try to go out with and treat like equals just end up busting my balls about being too young, too weird, too loud, too sexual, too poor, too this, too that.
Well, fuck it. Why should I even care?
I had a woman tell me to my face she liked me a lot, but had to stop because I don't own my own car or house.
I have no idea other than this.
I need to make as much money as absolutely possible because money buys love.
I can't be with a woman seriously while I am making an average living.
The more I have, the better my chances are of getting a woman who will actually love me.
That sounds so fucked up just typing it, but that is exactly the thought that goes into my head.
So then he wrote, he said, what I bring to the table.
Youth. I don't have hang-ups.
I'm not sure that's true. I can take care of myself.
I just am young.
This is a lot harder to think about what I have compared to what I don't.
I'll get back to you when I think of some more.
Well, there's a lot in this, and this is not going to be a brief podcast, but this is such a fundamental and significant issue that I think it is absolutely and totally worth spending some extra time on.
So, settle in, my brothers and sisters, as we try to unravel what may be going on here, and I think that this will help men as a whole.
The first thing that I would say, just to clarify things in terms of...
No, actually, I'll start with the family.
Let's always start with the family. That's the one that makes the most sense.
Okay, the key lesson that this guy got in his youth was that his father was ditched by his mom for not making enough money.
Right? So, his father, who he claims he loves to death, but who is kind of spineless, doesn't have enough money.
Right? Right? In other words, he is not able to buy a relationship with his money, right?
So he's not making enough money, and therefore the woman doesn't want him.
So his father gets kicked out, he loses a father, a massive catastrophe occurred in his childhood, in his family, and the most powerful influence on anybody is the same-sex parent, followed by the opposite-sex parent, followed by Free Domain Radio.
But he very clearly saw that his father was kicked aside, kicked out of the house and humiliated by his mom because it was not an amicable divorce.
It was an unpleasant and brutal and emasculating divorce.
So his father was kicked out and humiliated because his father didn't have enough money.
And partly due to the laws and this and that and the other and partly, of course, mostly due to his mother's personality, the association then was very clear.
If you want to keep the woman, you better bring lots of money to the table.
And so that's a very, very important lesson, that a man is going to get emasculated and humiliated if he doesn't have a lot of money.
On the other hand, the guy she married had some pretty bad traits, right?
He was an alcoholic, he was abusive to her children, and all of the associated personality disorders that we can inevitably assume are wrapped up in all of that.
But she puts up with him.
So she, quote, respects him or puts up with him.
Why? Because he has lots of money.
And so, again, not only is the negative, if you don't have money, you're going to get kicked out, humiliated, beaten down, broken, and forced to pay for child support and alimony and all this and that for a certain period of time.
Oh, and this is the mom who started the affair with the rich guy while she was still married to the guy who wasn't so rich.
So there's the sexual humiliation as well there too, right?
That she's already building a bridge through her nether regions to a richer climate.
So there's that, and then there is the...
It sounds like the...
The new guy at the replacement, the stepdad, is a pretty brutal and mean person, but he has a lot of money, and so she defers to him because he has lots of money.
So the way that you gain power over women, and again, this is just a lesson that's in the family, the way that you gain power over women is you have so much money that they're dependent upon you.
And the way that you get crushed and humiliated by women, not just financially but sexually, is you just don't make enough money.
Now, that's a pretty powerful life lesson to absorb, and to be frank, it is not going to make you look upon women as the fairer sex.
It is, absolutely and completely, totally.
If you extrapolate your mom's brutal narcissism, if you extrapolate that to all femininity, then it is going to lead you towards a hatred of women, and it's going to lead you towards an imbalance in your relationships with women.
And we can always tell where these imbalances are showing up because we have these impossible situations, right?
Where you have impossible situations, you know that you're being food, right?
That your family of origin is grinding you down to paralysis and inaction and frustration and hostility.
So when you paint this portrait of, well, if I treat women well, they put me in the friend zone and treat me like crap.
But if I treat women badly, then they have sex with me.
That, of course, is an impossible situation because you want sex, right?
I mean, who doesn't, right?
So now that you're in this impossible situation, what you're doing, of course, is you're justifying treating women badly.
Right? Because there are women, if you treat them well, they'll treat you better, which makes you treat them better, which makes them treat you better, and so on.
And there's, I mean, I was unemployed for a year and a half when Christina met me and didn't even have a job the whole time we dated and got married and had no income whatsoever.
It was bleeding out the money I'd made as an entrepreneur.
And we got married. I had no job.
And it wasn't until some time after we got married that I got a job.
So there's absolutely no need whatsoever to have lots of money to get a fantastic woman, right?
In fact, if a woman won't go out with you because you're not rich enough, then, well, we'll get to that.
That's obvious, right? So maybe we'll touch on that later.
So this impossible situation that you put yourself in of like, well, If I treat women well, then they have no respect for me.
But this, of course, is just a lesson of your dad.
Your dad treated your mother well in terms of being a pushover, but he didn't make much money, so he got crushed and humiliated and sexually rejected and humiliated.
Whereas this new guy obviously doesn't treat your mom that well because he's got a much more abusive personality and she stays with him.
Well, that's just your mom's self-hatred, right?
I mean, that's got nothing to do with healthy or naturalized or positive relationships between men and women.
So when you're in this impossible situation saying, well, if I treat women well, I get no sex, and if I treat women badly, I get sex, but there are problems and so on.
I scare women and they want to run away from me and so on.
Well, that's just your family, right?
That's just your family. And when I say just, I mean it's massive and it's huge and you need to sort of approach that.
Whenever you're in an impossible situation, it's because you're asking the wrong questions.
So you're sitting there saying, well, how do I be nice and still be sexually attractive?
Well, if you're nice, you're sexually attractive to good women.
So what you're saying is, if I date bitches, how can I make it work?
I mean, look, we can be frank.
This is locker room talk. It's just us guys and the women who've wandered into the rank testosterone-laced conversation.
But you're saying, like, if I date really nasty, unpleasant, narcissistic, vindictive, greedy women, things don't seem to work out.
Well, of course they don't work out.
Of course they don't work out.
Because you're sexually attracted to bitches.
To narcissistic, greedy, hostile, undermining.
Oh, I'd like to go out with you, but you don't own a house?
Oh my God!
Why are you even in these people's orbit to begin with?
I mean, good God!
I mean, if a woman said that to me...
Oh, I'd like to go out with you, Steph, but you don't own a house.
They're like, wow, sorry, you're just too expensive a whore for me.
I mean, thanks, but, you know, I don't engage in prostitution, so I'm afraid that you're going to have to find some other blind self-hating sugar daddy to prey on.
I mean, my god!
How could you even continue a conversation with such a predatory witch?
There are other words that I could use.
But we shan't, because this is a family-friendly podcast.
It's just a family of the future, not of the past.
The question is, who are you drawn to?
Who are you drawn to?
And I'm going to put out a metaphor which I hope will help clarify things and shine some light on this mook because I really do have a lot of sympathy for this.
I was caught in one of these relationships to a lesser degree, to a large degree, but I was caught in one of these relationships about seven or eight years ago with a woman who basically said, I expect the man to pay for all the dates and everything and so on.
So, I have some experience with this.
I have some real sympathy with this.
But I'm just sort of trying to shock you with some tough love.
So, let's say that you and I are going to go into business.
And we're both bringing 10 years of experience in the field.
And we're both willing to work hard.
We're both willing to travel.
And I say, okay, see, this is how it's going to work.
You and I are going to each own 50% of the business.
We bring the same experience.
We bring the same work ethic, the same willingness to travel, and so on.
You and I are going to each bring the same things to the business, and we're going to own this business 50-50, perfectly equal.
The only thing is that you also have to invest half a million dollars in the business.
And you say, half a million dollars?
Well, how much extra of the business does it buy me if I invest half a million dollars into the business?
And I say, no, no, no.
It's still 50-50.
You just have to invest half a million dollars, and I don't have to invest anything.
Wouldn't you have a certain amount of difficulty processing that?
And what would I implicitly be saying?
In that conversation, in that negotiation, I would implicitly, frankly, and I'm sure you're perfectly aware of this, I would be implicitly saying that you, in your natural state, are worth half a million dollars less than I am.
You have to invest half a million dollars to get yourself equal to 50-50 with me.
You have to invest half a million dollars just to bring yourself up to my level, which means that you are innately worth half a million dollars less than I am.
Although I admit we have the same experience, the same work ethic, the same intelligence, everything else is equal.
I just need the half a million dollars to bring it up to equality.
And what sense would that make?
If all things are equal, how is it that I get to demand half a million dollars extra from you?
And actually, this would be closer to a million dollars in the metaphor that you're saying.
Now, what self-respecting human being would say, oh yeah, absolutely, everything is perfectly equal between us, but I have to invest a million dollars more than you, or I have to invest a million dollars, you have to invest nothing, and we both end up owning 50% of the business.
Well... Nobody with any self-respect would take that offer.
They'd laugh at it and say, what are you, crazy?
I mean, not only am I not going to invest a million dollars in this business over and above euro zero, but I'm not going to have anything to do with you.
Because clearly, you're narcissistic, entitled, and frankly deranged when it comes to negotiating.
And this is just the beginning of how our relationship is going to work.
What the hell is going to happen down the road?
When we start to make money, you're just going to grab more and more and you're just using me.
And you don't see me as a human being who is an equal, who has the same needs and desires as you do.
Because then if you say, well, why don't we just reverse this?
If this is a fair deal, why don't you put in a million dollars and I'll put in nothing?
Oh no, that wouldn't be right.
So clearly this is an unequal, narcissistic, entitled personality structure that is just going to eat you dry and spit out a broken husk.
So I mean, this is perfectly clear.
But this is exactly the nature of your mom's remarriage.
Sex and companionship.
Give me a break. What she brings to the table is sex and companionship.
Sex is not something that women bring to a relationship as a bonus.
That is one of the most dangerous ideas on the planet.
Sex is not a bonus that women bring to the relationship.
Sex is not something that they bring that you have to invest a million dollars to equal.
It's an orifice.
Good for sitting on.
And giving birth.
And having sex. It is not a bonus.
Sexual attractiveness is not a bonus.
Being cute is not a bonus.
Having nice hair and nice tits and a nice ass and a slim waist and a whatever and clear skin.
None of these things are bonuses that you have to pay for, my friend.
If you think they are, save some time, save some money, and go to a whore.
Well, don't do that, because that'll destroy your self-esteem.
Even more sharply.
Sexual attractiveness, sex, hotness, arm candy, is not something that women bring to the table that you have to pay for.
And if a woman thinks that...
Run! And then run some more.
And run. And sprint.
And run. And then win sprint. Lie down.
Rest. Get up. Run some more.
If a woman thinks that you need to pay for her flesh, then she supports slavery wherein she's on the block.
Highest bidder. Ew!
Ew! That is filthy.
That is butchery.
And that is whorish Both men and women Bring sex to a relationship To a romantic relationship Both men and women bring companionship to a romantic relationship.
Both men and women bring incomes to a relationship.
And if a woman doesn't bring Income to a relationship?
Then she needs to bring something else.
To equalize it.
So if you and I are going into business, and I say, well, we need a million dollars, so let's both each invest half a million dollars in the business, then we each own it 50-50.
But, if we're both starting up a business, and we need a million dollars, I have a million dollars and you don't, then you don't get to own 50% of the business.
Unless you're willing to do something else.
Work 80 hours a week.
Or whatever. I won't work.
You'll work 40 hours a week.
I put in the million dollars and you, you know, we're going to work for five years.
Straight. Hard.
Travel. Whatever. You do all the traveling and I do.
Like, there has to be something that equalizes these things.
And sex is not coinage.
Sex is not butter.
Sex is not a good.
Sex is not tradable.
A woman's willingness to have sex with you is not a financial good.
So, if a man brings half a million dollars to a relationship, and a woman has no money, then the woman needs to bring something else to the relationship.
Maybe she'll take over all the finances.
Maybe she'll run the household.
Maybe she'll whatever, whatever, right?
Who knows? But things have to be equal in a relationship.
Things have to be equal in a relationship.
So your mom came not only with little money, but also with two dependent children.
And so what was she bringing to the table?
It wasn't the old tube you crawled out of, I promise you.
Maybe that was the deal sort of under the table, so to speak, but that was not a good.
It's not a good to open your legs.
Spreading it is not a commodity.
So what kind of men think that it is?
What kind of men think that access to a vagina is something that needs to be paid for?
We know what kind of women think that, so we don't need to spend too much time on that.
But what kind of men think that?
Well... Rampantly, rankly, and deeply insecure men.
If we look at the business deal where I put in nothing and you put in half a million dollars and we both work the same amount, we both have the same experience, and we both end up with half the company, the only person who would pony up the half a million dollars would be somebody who has no belief that he's worth anything.
There would be no other conceivable reason to put a half a million dollars into a business over and above what everyone else does and gain no additional ownership.
Unless you thought that you were innately worth half a million dollars less than all of your partners.
And we know that because it's what is occurring, right?
So you need to bring yourself and money Or coarseness or whatever.
Sexual monomania or whatever.
But you need to bring yourself plus a lot of money to the relationship.
So if you need to bring half a million dollars to a relationship with a woman, it's because all other things being equal, you are worth half a million dollars less than a woman.
Both bring sex. Both bring companionship.
Both bring two legs, two arms, two eyeballs.
It's the Anna Nicole Smith story, right?
How much did that Getty fellow have to bring to the marriage?
Well, about... What?
$8 billion? $80 million?
I can't remember what it was. Some damn huge amount of money.
Because that's what dying guys in a wheelchair have to bring to get a gold-digging blonde bimbo.
And look how that turned out for her.
It's not pretty, what happens to these kinds of gold diggers.
It really isn't, so... So all other things being equal, you feel desperately insecure and worthless in a sexual arena with women.
Which is why you come on too strong.
It's why you frighten women.
It's why you feel that you have to bring money.
It's how women know that they can say to your face, I can't date you because you don't have a house.
Right? That you wouldn't just, I don't know, throw your drink in them and leave.
I'm not suggesting throw your drink in anyone, but you wouldn't just get up and say, I'm sorry I don't date whores, especially like, you think you're worth a house?
Honey, please, right?
J-Lo isn't worth a house and you ain't no J-Lo.
But it's like that old joke, right?
I'm not going to get married next time.
I'm just going to buy a house and give it to someone I hate.
So the problem is, though, that you think that the women are exploiting you.
And it's true to a degree that the women are exploiting you, but you're mistaken in getting angry at the women.
Right.
So you're...
Mom is all about, she's a feminist?
She's a feminist? Is this what she claimed to be?
She's a feminist? Dear, sweet, mother-loving, hail Mary from hell.
This woman is not a feminist.
I mean, I don't know her from Adam or Eve, but she's not a feminist.
She traded up for money and sacrificed her children's mental health to gain vacations, cars, and houses?
Sold her birth canal to a high bidder?
I mean, come on. This is not a feminist principle.
I have some issues with certain aspects of feminism, but I can completely and totally guarantee you that this is not a feminist principle.
And what your mom really meant when she said treat women well is buy them stuff, pay for things, give them money.
And I absolutely guarantee you That this is exactly how your mother, quote, disciplined, in other words, punished and abused you when you were a child.
When you were a child, if you didn't do what your mother wanted, and sometimes it was almost impossible, I can imagine, to figure out what your mother wanted, if you did not do what your mother wanted, then she would simply become cold and angry and punitive, either through attacking you or through just cold, compressed lips, white rage withholding.
And this provokes a sense of helplessness and emasculation and hopelessness within you.
So it's like, tell me what you want me to do.
But by the time you've offended her, you just have to ride out the abuse.
You just have to wait until she thaws.
You can't apologize.
She punishes you the moment you show vulnerability.
She attacks you even more.
And this is the hell that you went through.
And this is the guy that she ended up with.
And this is the abuse that you and your brother both went through at the hands of your mother.
Do what pleases her, which is arbitrary at times, or face the unimaginably horrendous consequences of either attack or a punishing kind of withdrawal.
And of course, mothers in particular hold this power over their children, which is To withdraw affection.
For a child, this is the threat of death unconsciously, right?
Because if a mother withholds affection from a child, then the child who cannot survive on his own will die.
So it's a murderous impulse to withhold affection from you.
And that doesn't mean never get angry at your children or anything like that, but to get punitively, to punishingly withdraw and to not accept apologies and to whatever, right?
Not communicate your needs and so on.
It's all just manipulative and controlling and totally bitchy, right?
Totally bitchy and evil in regards to children.
So what this means, of course, is that...
And you're not allowed to think or explain.
Like, when my mom would get mad at me about something, like, she'd give me these contradictory instructions.
I'd try and figure them out myself, and maybe I'd guess wrong, or maybe she'd just change her mind.
And she'd get really angry at me.
And then I'd say, but I thought...
And she'd say, don't think! Which is really what narcissists and these kinds of personality structures, they have to, other people can't exist except to serve their needs.
You can't have an independent existence of your own.
You can't have value of your own.
There's no possibility of negotiating or giving way because this is just an angry dominant will.
Dominant of others, which means fundamentally weak and empty will.
Dominant of others, bullying children, like, I mean, using sex to bully men, that's a slave's life.
I mean, it looks bullying and powerful when you're a kid, but it is a complete slave's existence to manipulate others based on your flesh.
And you're, ooh, look, I can bully my little children.
Wow, what a powerful human being I am, right?
So the smallness and meanness of this kind of controlling mechanism, both in terms of marriages and in terms of parenting, is absolutely brutal.
And your mother, of course, was trying to get you to wink out of existence and simply be a pleasurable appendage of hers in some manner or another.
And any time you expressed any kind of independence or thoughts of your own that contradicted any kind of thing that she wanted, which would be often, as I said, in the whim of the moment, you must be attacked and crushed.
And so these kinds of impossible situations...
That your mother would put you in, right?
Where you're punished for having your own thoughts, but then you're told that you're loved for who you are.
I mean, all of these impossible situations that you were put in with your mom.
And these kinds of narcissistic, megalomaniacal personalities constantly provoke impossible situations in others.
Right? So here, and again, this is happening with the women in your life now.
You're constantly being put in these impossible situations.
So, if you are nice to them, then you're not sexually attractive.
If you treat them well, then you're not hot.
If you treat them badly, in other words, if you do things that you can't respect yourself for, then you get sex.
So, you're being positively reinforced for negative behavior, which is causing you unhappiness.
This is the ultimate impossible situation.
So, dude, to pull the whole Freudian veil off the whole interaction, you're dating your mom.
Like you're dating your mom and you're doing this because not a month ago you said, I'm very close to my mom and she's a great person.
So because you are normalizing your mother's behavior, you can't reject your mother's behavior.
Because you're not judging your mother's behavior and re-feeling the panic and anxiety that she inflicted upon you as a child, you are recreating that panic and anxiety and feeling of impossibility that In your relationships with adult women.
You can get mad at these adult women.
And yes, they're exploiting you because of what your mother did.
But you're an adult now.
You're actively recreating and pursuing these interactions and experiences with women.
So it's like the treasure of your soul is a Brinks truck.
And your mother overturned the Brinks truck and threw wide the doors...
And now everyone's coming and stealing your value.
All the dollar bills are floating around the ghetto and everybody's grabbing it all.
And you're getting mad at everyone who's grabbing at the money.
Don't do that. Get angry at the woman who overturned the Brinks truck and blew it wide open.
Get angry at your mother for how she dealt with you.
Don't recreate it and then get angry by proxy at the women who are exploiting you.
And who you are exploiting.
And who you are exploiting.
in the same way that your stepdad is also exploiting your mom.
Right?
If I am so insecure that I think I have to put another half million dollars in over and above my partner for the same amount of ownership, I'm exploiting my partner.
If I think that I'm so sexually unattractive that I have to bring half a million dollars to a marriage to equal access to poontang, then I am avoiding my own feelings of sexual insecurity by buying women.
I'm exploiting them to avoid dealing with my own insecurity, which means how was I dealt with as a boy by my own mother, right?
So I'm buying freedom from anxiety, from sexual insecurity, in the same way that your mom is buying freedom from financial anxiety through, as you put it, sex and companionship.
There's mutual exploitation.
You talk a lot about how you're frustrated, you're hurt, it pains you, and these women are exploiting you and so on.
But what you've got to get the way out of this maze is to realize that you are in the position now where you're starting to victimize others.
You're probably beyond starting.
You probably have. But it's okay.
You're young. You can stop this now.
You can stop this.
But you can't use women to overcome your own anxiety about your worth.
You can't bed women to overcome your anxiety about your value.
That is only reinforcing your lack of value.
If I put a half a million dollars extra into a business, it's reinforcing that I'm worth half a million dollars less.
I get to avoid the temporary or momentary anxiety of confronting my own perceptions of my lack of value.
But I'm using this business situation to avoid dealing with my own lack of value.
Or my perceived lack of value.
You can't deal with your emasculation and your insecurity and the fact that you were bullied as a child.
The fact that you weren't taught how to be a decent, good and honorable man.
But rather were taught how to be a compliant, broken and bullied appendage to women.
You can't deal with that humiliation by humiliating women in return.
Or humiliating yourself.
You can't deal with being bullied by bullying.
You can't deal with being manipulated by manipulating others.
It will give you temporary relief in the same way that heroin will give you temporary relief.
But it saps your strength and your energy.
And you need to do the counterintuitive thing and stop controlling and bullying and manipulating women.
And stop thinking, well, women are so shallow that I have to have all this money to get their loved.
You know that's fucked up. And you talked about that.
And good for you for talking about that.
There is no external solution to the problem of insecurity.
You can't fix your childhood by being a player.
You can't deal with your emasculation.
By going to bed with women.
It will not work.
It will only embed you in your self-hatred, embed you in your corrupt and messed up familial relationships with your mother and your stepdad and your dad.
You just can't solve these problems by manipulating other people.
Please, order a copy of my book.
I'm just telling you.
Not even for me. Just for you.
Order a copy of my book. It will help you understand this.
Manipulating other people only reinforces the insecurity that you're trying to avoid.
So, as far as what you can do...
I would make a list.
What does my mom bring to relationships?
What does my dad, what does my stepdad bring to relationships?
What do I bring to relationships?
And you say, what do I bring?
Well, I'm young and I'm not fucked up.
Well, you are fucked up and that's okay because you're young and you can fix it and you can deal with it and you're broken and you were broken by your family as most of us were and you can fix it.
You can fix it. You're young.
You've just got to stop preying on women to deal with your own insecurity.
You've got to stop allowing women to prey on you.
To avoid dealing with your mom and what happened to you and what you were taught by your mom and your dad.
Your dad, by bowing down to women, by being spineless with women, was dealing with his own insecurities by giving in.
He was manipulating women.
I know it feels weird.
He was pushed around. He was bullied.
No, he chose your mom. He chose your mom just as you're choosing these shallow gold diggers.
There are women out there who aren't like that.
Who aren't like that? I mean, there's lots of ways to tell.
Perhaps we'll do a podcast on that, right?
But one particular way of telling whether or not a woman is a gold digger is to figure out if she's putting forth a sexualized appearance to begin with.
I'm not saying is she dressed in a burka or a pup tent, but is she putting out an over-sexualized image to begin with?
Is there a low-cut top?
Are there really tight pants?
Is there lots of makeup? Is she putting forth a very sexually stimulating Well, clearly then, she's saying, this is what I bring to the table.
This is the interaction that's going on.
You go for women who are hot, and that hotness is designed to draw in your insecurity.
Because they're saying, putting yourself forward as a hot person, putting yourself forward as an over-sexualized individual, is saying, I'm insecure.
What do I have to bring to the table?
An orifice. What do I have to bring to the table?
The billfold. This is this two merging.
My dad is rich and my mom is good-looking.
This is the merging of two insecurities that reinforce the insecurity by this interaction.
So you need to avoid the hotties.
You want to get the librarian type, right?
She takes off those glasses and...
Christina wants to work in a library.
Anyway, so you need to not go for the sexualized women.
The same way that a sexualized woman is the equivalent of the guy who shows up in a Maserati or a Ferrari.
I mean, he's just saying I have a tiny dick.
He's just saying I'm insecure.
I need to put myself forward as a big flashy Gino dude or whatever because I don't have that much to bring to the table.
So I put lots of money forward because I'm not worth that much.
And it just reinforces it over and over and over again.
You've got to stop going for the hotties.
Hotties are your crack.
You have to stop going.
For this stuff, right?
I mean, it's just a resistance.
You have to fight this like an alcoholic fights drinking.
It's a 12-step program, which is 12 steps away from the hotties.
Become interested in a friend.
Talk to a woman as a friend.
Not to the over-seductive, batting their eyelids, tight pants, whatever.
I don't know what. I don't know what goes for hot in your neighborhood, right?
But you've just got to avoid these women.
They're putting themselves forward as sexual objects.
And then, of course, they complain that you treat them as sexual objects.
That's inevitable, right? You're damned if you do, damned if you don't, right?
And this is part of what men are having problems with.
But that's the first step, right?
Figure out what's going on with your family.
Figure out how was your behavior influenced by your mom and your dad and your stepdad when you were a kid, right?
Were you reasoned with? Were your opinions sought out?
Were you given choices? Were you given options?
Were you given consequences without punishment?
Or how was your behavior modified?
And I guarantee you, you were controlled by bullying.
You were controlled by bribery.
You were controlled by withdrawal.
You were controlled by all of these things.
You were treated the way that people trained dogs to drool or chickens not to peck, right?
Punishments and pellets, right?
I mean, that's the nature of most people's parenting, right?
The carrot and the stick. Figure out what you were taught explicitly and implicitly about what value men bring and women bring to a relationship.
Does your mom put up with your stepdad because he's got money?
Well, then men are worthless.
They're not even worthless. They're negative worth.
Men are negative worth and they have to buy themselves out of inequality, out of worthlessness with money.
Well, that's fucked up.
That is completely fucked up, insecure, exploitive, abusive, destructive.
And you can leave your mom and stepdad to live in this squalid underworld of insecurity and exploitation.
You don't have to live there.
You don't have to live there.
That's why you've got to change what you're doing now.
So figure this out. If you can and if you want to, I would strongly suggest sit down and talk with your mom.
Say, Mom, what do men bring to the relationship?
What are men valuable for?
What are men useful for? What are men good for?
And really listen. Don't just listen to what she says.
Oh, I have the greatest respect for men and this and that.
Because this guy is a drunken abuser.
Of course he's not bringing anything to the table other than money.
That's clear! So then say, okay, what is respectful behavior in men?
I'm supposed to treat a woman well.
What does that mean?
What does that look like? Well, respect her this, respect her that, and so on.
But does that do that to you?
Try and ask her how she lives rather than what she just says.
Because how people live, especially when there's a disconnect with what they say, how people live is what we actually reenact, not what they say.
So if you compare all of this, talk with your brother.
Talk with your dad. Dad, what do women bring to the table in terms of relationship?
What are women good for? Talk to your stepdad.
Get the same questions and answers.
Map out the lessons that you were taught by your family.
Not just the verbal ones, but the ones that were embedded in how people actually acted and the choices they actually made.
And while you're doing this, stop dating.
Stop dating. It's your crack.
It's your addiction.
You need to stop going out and trying to have sex with women.
That is going to cause insecurity in you.
It's going to cause you to feel anxious.
Get into therapy. Talk about that.
Deal with that. But stop using women to manage your anxiety and stop allowing women to exploit you to manage their own insecurities.
And that will be an incredible breakthrough for you and you can be a fantastic guy who's going to be a great catch and have a happy marriage and a happy life because that is the most important decision you're ever going to make is who you're going to spend your life with.
It is the road to heaven or it is the road to an absolute live it hell.
So hopefully you'll take this advice and congratulations again on taking these incredible steps forward and keep me posted on how it goes.
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