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May 29, 2007 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
46:22
776 Proto Sexual Abuse and Freedom

Rising from the ashes of history...

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Good afternoon, everybody. Hope you're doing well.
It's Steph. Thank you so much for joining me.
It's regular old podcasting time.
I'm afraid there's nobody's voice tonight but mine.
So this is a bit of an unusual podcast.
I don't normally do this kind of stuff, but I thought that this was an important enough email to spend a little bit of time talking about.
This is, I don't know this person, new listener, Scottish, I think.
And this is a question about the distant past, and it's a little dark, so if you no like of the dark, no listen to podcast.
So, he says, I had an ex-girlfriend who cheated on me who was quite a bit younger than I am.
And I'm not sure why I'm attracted to young girls in their teens.
And this girl, he doesn't mention anything about her name, this girl is about as far as I went or will ever go acting on that desire.
And yes, she was legal.
So, out with my past.
In my past, I was abused physically, spanked by both my mother and father in a questionable manner, made to submit by bending over, underpants down, and beaten by a rubber whip.
This ended around the age of twelve or so, perhaps thirteen.
Typical James Dobson-type child-rearing for sure.
This gave rise to certain fetishistic behavior in me which is really hard for me to figure out and understand.
I can't in any way seem to remember any period of time before the age of four or five, with the exception of vague, foggy snapshots of events, which I'm sure is quite normal for most people.
So there's no way to know whether or not my father or mother molested me or sexually abused me at any point.
I'm not sure if I will ever know for sure...
What I told you above may qualify perhaps.
Perhaps it is linked to the first question quite a bit.
My mother would also discourage, shame and reject my feelings towards other girls my age or perhaps a year or so younger.
This was in elementary school and junior high mostly.
She would continue it somewhat through high school as well.
She hated my ex-wife because she slept over at my house one time when they were out of town.
There was also quite a few situations where I was ridiculed by my brother for my attraction to girls that were a year or so younger than I was, and attraction to girls in general.
My brother also did the same thing, provoking of anger then, ridiculing me for becoming angry.
He even did the yes means no, no means yes, do you want me to hit you thing with me.
And then he makes some comments about how we live in quite different countries and how common this sort of stuff is.
Both of my ex-girlfriends use these tactics in a very passive-aggressive manner by provoking anger, then acting as if they'd done nothing, in a very unusually calm, smug, superior manner to indicate that my being upset means I'm just crazy and to ridicule the fact that I've become angry.
This is something I talked about with a therapist about yesterday, and the most she could say was that it was indeed abusive and agreed that I need to avoid relationships with these kinds of people in the future.
She also thought that perhaps there was a link between them and my brother, and that I could be giving off signals and unconsciously seeking these kinds of things out.
I don't know. And some nice stuff.
Right. Okay, so we'll just call this guy...
Well, I think he's Scottish based on the return address and the city he mentions.
So we'll call him Alistair.
How's that? There's a nice, fine Scottish name.
So, let's go for our walk.
I have my good mic, so things should be just fine.
Now, this is a significant question, and as you may or may not know, there have been histories in the past, or problems in the past, where this question or this problem of what's called false memory syndrome has been generated and has caused enormous amounts of dislocations within families. where this question or this problem of what's called false The question of the false memory syndrome is sort of like this, that...
People have these memories of bad things happening to them.
They get involved with a therapist, and the therapist can implant or inculcate the idea within the person that yes, he or she was sexually molested, even though they can't remember anything consciously.
There's big family confrontations, and of course, there's really, really murky prehistory in every individual where you just will never know the truth.
Now, I do think that there are some important aspects to look at in this podcast, which is why I'm going to do a podcast for a new listener's topic that is this darkened and detailed.
And I certainly, certainly understand that.
My own...
I mean, outside of my home, the physical abuse that occurred when I was in boarding school was of the spanking.
Sorry, I guess beating with a cane variety.
So if you did something that was against the school rules, then...
You could be hit with a cane, right?
So this was a bend over, touch your toes.
I think that it was pants up, and I do remember getting caned, I think it was more than once, but I very vividly remember once...
And it was not the pain that was the problem.
It actually didn't hurt that much.
It was fairly thick trousers and the cane was somewhat ceremonial, so I'm not going to sort of give myself this, you know, Christ on the cross kind of imagery.
But I certainly did find it a very bizarre thing.
And strange thing in general just to be experiencing.
I mean, to sort of be bending over and touching your toes while a headmaster is whipping your ass with a cane is just a very, very strange situation to be in.
And as I say, the deterrent is not really the pain.
The deterrent is...
I mean, the humiliation and the weirdness of it.
It's the weirdness that...
People want to inflict on you, if that sort of makes any sense.
It's the weirdness that is the real problem with that.
Now, these forms of sexual humiliations are really, really well known among people who have sadistic or cruel streaks.
Messing with somebody's sexuality, messing with somebody's associations is very, very common.
Sexuality, of course, is a great, great powerful motivating force.
In people's lives.
And to mess around with it and to associate it with punishment, with pain, and all these sorts of things is really quite common.
When you can mess with somebody's sexuality, you do destabilize them for quite a long time.
And it does take quite a long time to get your sexuality back under control when it's been put through this kind of grinder.
So, this person was bending over, underpants down, beaten with a rubber rip or belt, ended around the age of 12 or so, perhaps 13, and of course that's simply because you became physically stronger, right?
I mean, so... That aspect of things, wow, I'm going here on a walk, and there is a very large spider's web crossing the entire path.
How interesting. I think I can go around it.
Excellent. Okay, so this is definitely fetishistic.
This is definitely a form of sexual humiliation.
To be beaten directly on the buttocks with, I mean, anything, right?
I mean, with your pants down and the bent over, right?
The bent over is a physically vulnerable position.
And these kinds of punishments do come out of...
Rape environments, rape metaphors, I'm going to say rape experiences because I don't know about what happened with your parents when they were young, of course, and you may not and they may not either, but for sure, bending over and being physically attacked on the rear end is a rape metaphor.
And it's a penetration metaphor, right?
I mean, because your anus is exposed.
And you're helpless because you're bent over.
So, without a doubt, whether or not there was any specific penetration or sexual abuse when you were very young is, again, as you say, unknown and maybe unknowable.
I don't know the efficacy of things like hypnosis and so on and regression of these kinds of approaches.
I don't really know much about them, so you can explore those as you like, but...
In a sense, in a sense, I don't think it matters.
And this is easy for me to say, right?
So maybe it does. It's just my opinion.
Again, I would definitely talk to your...
A therapist in this regard and go further if you want to.
But in my view, in my opinion, it doesn't really matter.
Because you have ample evidence of severe sexual assault or proto-sexual assault in the form of the beatings to your buttocks, right?
I mean, to be put in a sexually vulnerable position and then beaten is definitely...
That's more than just physical abuse, if that sort of makes sense.
Physical abuse is, you know, somebody just punches you or hits you or kicks you or whatever, but your clothes are on or whatever, right?
There are this kind of abuse, which is around nakedness and physical vulnerability, and especially the exposure of the anus, which has very complicated and deep metaphorical ugly meanings.
Not that the anus is ugly, it's just part of the body, but it has this kind of vulnerability and exposure and the beatings on the bare flesh.
It has a sexual aspect to it, and this of course is a A way of putting great disrespect out there towards the word sex, which is a beautiful thing, but this has a kind of fetishistic sexual attack to it.
It's a ritualistic sexual attack, if that sort of makes any sense.
And my mother was not, I mean, she was, again, more volatile than sadistic, but My mother had, you know, habits of highly inappropriate nakedness until, you know, we basically just had to, when we sort of hit teenage years, just had to tell her to stop, right?
Just had to tell her to stop.
Just going around the house naked, and she would still do it, right?
Now, that's invasive, right?
And, of course, that comes from a history of not having any boundaries, right?
I mean, of course, to those who know the brief history, I'll just mention that.
I know she was born to Jewish...
Her parents in 1937 in Germany, in Berlin, and she was stuck in orphanages during a war.
I mean, you can imagine what hellish environments she was stuck in in this situation, so that was something that definitely gave her problems there.
So, clearly, she would be somebody who had been raised without any Any sense of personal space that was inviolate, right?
I mean, this is a very, very essential thing for children, right?
To feel that their own personal space is inviolate, right?
Like, it's not just going to get...
If somebody wants something, they don't just snatch it.
If somebody wants to come into their room, they don't just sort of barge in, right?
There has to be a sense for children that their physical environment...
This is where property rights come from, right?
The right of property, the right of your space, the right of your environment, the right of your room, right?
And of course, when you are in a society that wishes to prey upon you when you become an adult by violations of persons and property in the forms of things like the draft and service to your country and high taxation and so on, well, you know, clearly in a culture that is highly collectivized and highly hierarchical, You simply can't allow children to develop a sense of property in this way.
You simply can't allow children to develop a sense of property for themselves, that their environment, their person, their body are inviolate, that people are going to respect their persons and property.
And so the way that these cultures operate is you have no privacy.
That is an essential ingredient to building a collectivized society, right?
It's to simply ensure that children never feel that they have personal property with regards to space and person.
And so for the culture to assert power over the individual, the parents have to be the ones who first break the child.
And this, of course, is something that the parents are enlisted as jail keepers and abusers and torturers so that the children are turned over to the society, perfectly malleable and unable to even conceive of self-defense because there's really no self, right?
If your person and property is not given respect and is not inviolate, then you don't really develop a self.
And developing it later on when you're an adult is really, really hard, as we all know.
So this is what parents do, right?
They are enlisted by society as a whole, particularly priests, but also the state, right?
And there's very few of us who had bad parents who did not find, to some degree or another, that...
The bad behavior of our parents was either mirrored or tacitly ignored and covered up by teachers and by priests and so on, right?
I mean, we all floated through on the sewage of our family dysfunction through a society that said it was a beautiful river and nobody ever did or said anything, right?
So I think that...
From that standpoint, this sort of violation of personal property, the reason that I'm saying all of this, Alistair, is that it's so, so important not to take this personally.
It is so, so, so, so, so important not to take this personally.
This is all just part of how the world breaks people.
This is how cows are turned into sausage.
This is how the grass is mown.
This is how the nature is tamed.
This is how people are broken.
This is how we are smashed up and reassembled as caricatures of true self designed to pay taxes and go to war.
I mean, that's... To obey, right?
We have to be broken. So it's not about you, if you understand that.
It's not about you. This is just a smashing machine that breaks up children to feed the remaining collectivized goop into the moors of the masters, right?
I mean, this is not personal.
This is not personal. This is not about you.
This is not about you.
This is not about anything to do with any identification of anything within you that was desired to be corrected.
This is just... The meat being fed into the machine, if that makes sense.
I mean, the moral significance of torturing a child in this manner is enormous and highly significant.
But as far as you being a personalized victim, anyone that they got their hands on, they would have done the same thing.
When we are unconscious, when we are collective, when we are selfless, when we have no self, when we have no identity, We are machines, right?
We photocopy day after day.
We photocopy our past day after day.
We are simply machines.
You know, when you're dealing with somebody who just has no capacity to restrain or control or evaluate their behavior, right?
I mean, we've seen this recently on the boards where people just get mad, right?
People just get upset. And they escalate.
And nothing that you can say is going to change their behavior.
No appeal to reason or passion or...
Empathy or anything like that.
Nothing's going to change their behavior.
They're worse than machines.
Machines at least will wear down.
These people flare up. And so for your parents, right, they...
And I'm certainly not doing any of this to cancel sympathy for them or anything remotely like that.
I just... We can understand the automatic nature of our parents without forgiving them.
Because again, they're cunning.
They don't do it in public. And...
We can recognize the automatic nature of something while recognizing that that is the effect of many decisions that have been made in the past, right?
So, when somebody has lung cancer from smoking, we can recognize that they're not going to run a marathon, right?
They're not going to be really healthy people, at least not likely, and that the disease is going to take its course, particularly in the late stage, So we know that when we meet somebody who's got lung cancer, assuming that it came from some behavior of theirs, which is not always the case. Andy Kaufman, I think, was a notable exception.
But when we see people like that, we can understand that they don't have control over their illness and that their illness has sort of run away with them, if that makes sense.
And we can understand all of that.
And in a sense, we can have sympathy for who they are, but we can also recognize that it is their choices that have led them to this.
Their prior choices have now rendered their lives irreversible.
Their prior choices have now rendered their life and their course irreversible.
I mean, if you eat like crazy and don't exercise, then yeah, your arteries are going to get clogged.
Or, you know, if you get diabetes, well, the diabetes is now fixed.
You can't un-get diabetes, at least not very easily.
And so we can understand and have sympathy for the fact that somebody has diabetes, but we can also fully recognize that it was their choices that led them to get the diabetes.
Because the problem, the delicate fulcrum with understanding our parents is...
That if we take it personally, then we extend and exacerbate the humiliation.
I really wish I could just put this on a board, on a graph, but this is not something I can do visually.
It would be too weird to put this on a whiteboard.
If we say that our parents were choosing it, then we get to get angry, but we also feel extra dosings of humiliation.
Because then they are choosing it.
They are focusing on us. They are focusing on hurting us.
They are focusing on belittling and humiliating us.
They themselves are making conscious choices present in the room when they are hurting us, which is additionally humiliating.
Right? So we get to get angry, but we also feel humiliated.
This is the trap that our histories catch us in.
Unless we're, I think, very clear.
There are ways out. Or we say, well...
It wasn't about me. It had nothing to do with me.
They were simply acting out their own abuse, their own histories.
They had no control, which means it's not personal to me.
It could have been anyone. It didn't matter about me.
But then we reduce their choice.
We reduce their choices. And so it's harder to get angry.
So you get to get angry and feel humiliation, or you can bypass the humiliation, but then it's harder to feel angry.
This is why it's such a difficult trap to get out of.
This is why this quicksand is so hellish.
Now, there is a way out of it, though, which is to recognize that by the time your parents abused you, they were dead, but by their own hand.
And by the time your parents abused you, and I don't mean they yelled at you twice or they even hit you once or apologized for it, I mean, you know, consistent, sadistic, or brutalized interactions...
By the time your parents abused you, they were already dead, so it wasn't personal.
You could have been anything. They might as well have been flogging a piece of meat.
It had nothing to do with you.
Nothing to do with you as an individual.
They were acting, photocopying, reproducing unconsciously.
Unconsciously, their habit had now become, I will reproduce the abuse to ward off the pain of having been abused.
To normalize it, to forgive my own parents by saying, this is what parents do.
This is what all parents do.
My parents didn't do anything unusual.
I was not abused, right?
Well, it's a hot potato, right?
You either admit it or you reproduce it.
So, the important thing to understand is that by the time your parents are abusing you consistently, it's not personal.
They are just mashing machines.
They are just abuse machines.
And they are completely and totally responsible for becoming that.
Right? It's not personal.
They're not beating you.
They're not making the choice to beat you.
but they're totally responsible for not doing the right things to avoid becoming who they became.
So, from that aspect, and I'm sorry to be spending so long on this, but I do think that it's very, very important to understand...
It has nothing to do with you, and you have every right to be completely angry.
And so... When I say that it doesn't really matter whether you were sexually penetrated as an infant or as a toddler or anything like that, you don't need that to get angry.
You don't need that to understand what a hellish situation you were in.
You don't need that to violently defoo.
And you don't need that answer to break the cycle.
You don't need that answer to break the cycle.
So I would let that question go.
The reason that we want to grab onto these answers is so that we can justify our feelings with some external hook, right?
Like we carry around this baggage of pain and anger and rage and humiliation and confusion and hostility and fear and all of that.
And we desperately want a hook that everyone will agree with, that validates and justifies our feelings.
And this is a very common phenomenon.
This stretches all the way from the three decimal places conversation.
All the way from that aspect to the 9-11 conspiracy theories.
We desperately want an external hook to hang our emotions on, to justify, to validate, to make those emotions real and justified and believable.
Believable. Right? So if we hate and fear the government, we desperately want to be able to prove that they did 9-11.
So that we can come thundering in and say, I hate and fear the government.
And here's why. And who can disagree with us?
Am I making sense? I hope so.
We desperately want an external hook.
So you want to hate your parents.
You want to hate your parents.
And you feel that if you could find out or prove...
That they sexually violated you through penetration as a child.
that... that you will be allowed to, that you will be able to...
that nobody will disagree with you, that you can defu...
in a way that everyone will approve of and agree with.
But oh my friend, nothing in life is ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever that easy.
Nothing in life is ever that easy...
There's always this foggy history in these memories.
And your parents played you like Yehudi men who went on a Stravda various.
Like Yo-Yo Ma on the cello.
They played you, right? They played you.
If they did sexually violate you when you were an infant, which would not surprise me at all, they stopped just as soon as you could start to remember things.
And they knew all of that, right?
Because they were doing what had been done unto them.
They attacked your butt violently in a sexually humiliating position until such time as you became old enough to resist, to talk about it, to objectively know that it was wrong, and then they stopped.
This is what abusers always do.
I mean, assuming they're not the psycho Charles Manson ones, in which case, well, God help you then, right?
But this is what abusers do.
They will always give you enough hurt to screw you up, but not so much hurt that you can hang your feelings on unambiguously, right?
Because the whole point is to destroy you.
To riddle you with self-doubt.
To make you question yourself.
To try and turn you into an abuser.
To try and... And if they can't turn you into an abuser, at least turn you into somebody who is confused.
Who has bad relationships. Who can't get both feet planted on the ground.
Right? So, of course, everything to do with abuse is ambiguous.
Everything to do with abuse is ambiguous.
Why is it... I mean, that's why it's so hard to defoo.
It's not because we're idiots. It's because we're played by expert con artists.
Right? Everything to do with abuse is ambiguous.
Yeah, well, my mum was terrible to me, but boy, she was born during a war and stuck in an orphanage and she had a terrible time and then she claimed to have all these physical ailments and Epstein-Barr syndrome and all this kind of crap and...
She really genuinely seems to be out of control of her behavior, so I can't really judge her.
It's like getting angry at a baby.
It's like getting angry at a puppy.
I mean, they don't have any control, blah, blah, blah, right?
It's always, always, always hard, and it's always, always, always ambiguous, right?
Because the whole point is to get you not to live by principles.
The whole point is to get you to give up on principles.
So you get hurt enough to mess you up, but not so much that you can easily and totally identifiably Hang your anger on your parents.
The more they hurt you, the more it feels like, well, they were just out of control.
They didn't know what they were doing. And then the more you say, well, they were totally in control, then the more it feels like you were singled out and humiliated by people who could choose and were in control and chose to hurt you.
The more present they are in the room as individuals, the more present you are.
So the more they're abusing, the more they're abusing you as an individual.
So you're singled out and Everything is complicated and fucked up and foggy and messy and hellish and ambiguous.
And this produces the ambivalence that destroys the impulses, right?
So we feel a strong surge of anger and then we immediately try and talk ourselves out of it.
Or we have a strong surge of deference and fear and complicity, compliance, and we try and talk ourselves out of it.
Oh, I shouldn't be so conformist.
I shouldn't be so compliant. And then we get angry again.
Oh, well, I should try and understand that.
I shouldn't get so angry. Everywhere we go, we run into a wall.
Like those toys that you see at the mall and those little sandboxes that don't have any sand in them.
Those trucks, right?
They go like two feet and then they hit a wall.
They climb up and they turn over.
They go in another different direction.
That's us, my friends.
That's our fate. For the rest of our natural goddamn born days.
Unless we do something clear.
Unless we really break out of this hamster wheel, right?
This turnover sandbox.
That is to be our fate.
So, what is the effect, right?
I mean, the effect is that everything you do is a form of, or opens you to the attack of humiliation, right?
Everything you do. It's terrible.
It's terrible. I understand that attraction to girls who are younger than yourself.
I mean, there's a biological aspect to it all, but that's not the important issue.
The important issue, of course, is that your natural personality development was simply detonated.
It was simply and totally detonated.
And so naturally...
Your emotional maturity, I mean, you're staggering up an icy cliff with no crampons, snipers, avalanches, landslides, meteors, and bright lights.
So you're trying to laboriously clamber up this artificially Inhibited and iced and shot at sheer cliff of maturity and massive congratulations.
Sounds like from your letter that you've managed quite a wonderful feat in this area.
But you're not going to...
I mean, you're inhibited, right?
I mean, you're inhibited from growing.
Your natural growth is detonated.
You might as well have been starved and locked in a tiny box.
As far as your physical development goes, the same thing happened to your mental development.
Not your fault. Your parents were acting automatically.
It's not personal. It was their responsibility for ending up like that.
By the time they abused you, it wasn't personal.
They were already dead. Of their own hand.
We don't blame the zombie, but we blame the person who turned themselves voluntarily into a zombie.
There was no possibility of them doing differently, because they had never tried to do anything differently, which they are responsible for.
So naturally, your sexuality is messed up in a number of ways.
Just to be perfectly frank.
You have stunted emotional growth, which means that intellectually and emotionally, well not intellectually, more emotionally, you are...
Half your age. I don't know how old you are, but...
Whatever, right?
Emotionally, you're like...
And that's great!
Like, for that, you should be applauded wildly.
I mean, I hope this makes sense.
Right? I don't know. If you're 30 and emotionally you're 15, that's fantastic.
That is an achievement. If you come out of the tiny cage and you can actually stagger a few steps, that's incredible.
If you've made it halfway up this icy cliff with people shooting at you, that is magnificent.
That is a staggering amount of emotional effort, and you should be wildly applauded for it.
Sadly, other than by myself and others like me, you never will be.
be, but I, for one, salute you.
But that, of course, is why you would be attracted to girls who are younger than you.
For two reasons.
One is that there's just an emotional stunting that goes on with this kind of humiliation.
I mean, this is the whole point, is to turn you into somebody who can't follow their instincts.
This is where nitpicking comes from.
People won't let me be passionate about the Muslim 9-11s because of three decimal places.
I'm not allowed to have my instincts.
I'm not allowed to follow my passions.
Because we're just afraid of being wrong.
Always. Because we were so wildly punished for invented wrongs that we become paralyzed in the face of progress, of certainty, of passion, progress.
So, of course you're going to be attracted to women who are younger than you are.
But at least you've retained the capacity to be attracted to women.
I assume it's women. Yeah, girlfriends.
And for that you should be enormously proud.
That you haven't become a eunuch.
You haven't become a monk. So, I think that's good.
I mean, you're in there getting the crap beaten out of you, but at least you're still in the ring.
So, that's one reason why you would be attracted to girls that are younger than yourself.
And you may also have, I don't know, like a vanity thing, like there's something good about going out with a younger person.
I guess when I was 35...
No, not even...
Oh my gosh, I was 30...
I was 32.
I went out with a 22-year-old med student.
And... Part of me was like, it was a youth thing, and it was like, wow, and that's cool, and doesn't that make me hip and sexy, and blah, blah, blah.
But, of course, emotionally, she was just retarded, right?
I mean, not her fault, it's just the culture, right?
It's just the way things are. All she had was defenses, and all she was doing was photocopying her own history.
So, that's one aspect.
The other aspect, of course, is that You want to stay as much away from anything that reminds you of your mom, right?
Older women, women who you would perceive as having power, are threatening to you.
Right? So you're going to recoil from what you consider to be older or authoritarian women, so you're likely going to go for younger, more dependent, and naive women.
Now, I know that you haven't used any force, and I know that the women were all, quote, legal, so this is good for you.
I mean, I think you should recognize and be proud of the distance that you've come and what you've been able to achieve.
And so the last thing that I would like to mention is that you, I think, I'm guessing, I don't know much about anything to do with this person, but you, my friend...
Are in danger of becoming photocopy guy.
Right? And so you're attracted to this stuff.
You're attracted to running off a cliff.
Right? So you've got to...
This is part of the management, right?
The self-management that is inflicted upon us when we are put forever at odds with our instincts and our impulses and our deepest passions and the integration of mind, body, and soul.
Right? Which turns us into a thundering avalanche of Beastly muscle and passion and forward progress, right?
When we're integrated, then we are kind of unstoppable.
That's the theory I work with anyway.
So, you are attracted to these people who reproduce your history.
You are attracted to these women who pull the same shit that your, I think it was your brother and your mother and your father pulled on you, right?
Taunting... I mean, that's just ludicrous, right?
That's just ludicrous.
I mean, this is exactly the same as beating a child until he loses intelligence and then mocking him for wanting to play with slower children.
I mean, this is all part of the humiliation.
It's all part of setting you against yourself.
Provoking rage and then mocking you for rage.
Provoking sexual immaturity and then mocking you for being attracted to younger girls.
I mean, this is all part of just...
This is the machine of mankind.
This is the machine of the world.
This is the machine of the world that we are all crushed into these tiny cubes of self-doubt, self-loathing, controlled, repressed, conflicted, ambivalent, ambiguous, forgetful, impulsive and regretful.
Regretful and impulsive.
Every action we take we question.
Every action we don't take, we chastise ourselves for.
Every decision we doubt, every indecision we scold ourselves for.
This is the machine of the world.
This is how humanity is enslaved.
This is the cage that we are put in.
The cage of selflessness.
I mean, we are...
Taken from whole, sleek mammals and turned into broken, constantly turning, sputtering, sparking robots.
And we're trying to come back to life, and we're struggling and striving to come back to life.
But, oh, my brothers and sisters, it is so hard.
It is so hard, and of course it's hard.
Because if it wasn't hard, God, wouldn't that be humiliating?
If we didn't have to strain every muscle, every fiber...
If we didn't have to evoke every antlash world-lifting shred of strength that we could conceivably possess and continue day after day, if we didn't have to do that, wouldn't it be ridiculous that humanity were enslaved?
If the bars weren't very, very, very thick, wouldn't it be ridiculous for us to be enslaved?
No. The bars aren't thick.
The bars are the world. The bars are everyone.
So I'm saying, like, don't feel bad.
Don't take it personally.
You were caught in a machine that your parents made of themselves.
You were just in a beating machine.
You were just in a humiliation machine called the family, which your parents set up of their own accord.
A lot of people say, well, they weren't educated.
They weren't sophisticated. No, no, no, no.
They were very educated. They were very sophisticated.
They knew exactly how to play you.
They knew exactly what to do, exactly how to play you.
Exactly, exactly, exactly.
That's highly sophisticated.
We are not enslaved by nothing.
We are not enslaved by small minds, by petty vindictiveness.
We are not enslaved by idiots.
The matrix we live in is perfect.
What enslaves us is so monstrous it seems to dwarf the universe.
It seems to be that we are supposed to defy physics, that we are supposed to defy gravity.
What enslaves mankind is massive, massive, eternal, sophisticated, brilliant, detailed, Almost perfect.
Almost. But you know that scene in The Matrix where the cat crosses twice?
That's the kind of attention that we need to have.
I mean, when you look at how strong human beings are, when you look at how magnificent and how powerful we are, when we are free, well...
How strong does the net have to be to contain the great white?
How strong does the cage have to be to keep King Kong in?
Right? I mean, once you get the size of your strength and the depth of your power, then you can understand the strength of the cage.
Right? So, for sure, that is a red pill that is very hard to swallow.
And I know it sounds like you're new to the podcast series, so I know I'm putting a lot of stuff on you all at once, but I think this is fairly urgent.
Yeah, you need to be angry.
You need to grieve. At the bear trap you were repeatedly caught in and savaged by.
The bear trap that, in what is seemingly a paradox, had full responsibility for becoming a bear trap.
Once it became a bear trap, freedom of choice was gone, right?
But if you sign yourself into slavery, if you go and join the army and then you get shot for not killing people, yeah, you're going to kill people.
And in a sense, because you're going to get shot for killing people, you're not responsible.
but you're responsible for signing up so I hope that this helps I know this is a lot.
This is like maybe coming out of left field for you, but...
I mean, listen to this a couple of times if you can.
I think that there's a lot of useful stuff in here.
But first and foremost, I mean, you need to stop re-inflicting this stuff upon yourself.
This is the key. This is the key.
And the only way you're going to do that is to experience the fear and anger...
Without the loyalty and complications and questions about the free will of your parents and your own role and responsibility and the reproduction that you've done as an adult within these abusive relationships and so on.
But you really need to return to where you were when you were first humiliated.
A helpless, dependent, frightened, angry, horrified, humiliated child.
Forget about the complicated pseudo-philosophy that you may have layered onto this as an adult, about their choices, their histories, their free will, whether this, that, or the other happened, whether you've done bad things as an adult.
Forget all of that. That's all scar tissue.
That's all an effect of what came before.
Forget all of that. That's not important.
Have to get back to the pure horror, in a sense, the pure horror of the first experience of abuse and humiliation.
You may not remember it, but that doesn't matter.
It's carved into your very bones.
This is your marrow. You have to get back to that first unambiguous exposure to evil, where, as a child, you had no capacity and no desire and no ability to make excuses for people.
Right?
That's all the crater.
That's all the impact.
That's all the after stuff.
So, of course, there's a lot in this letter.
And I do really, really appreciate you sending this to someone on this guy over the internet.
And I hope that this has been useful.
Without a doubt, there is a connection between everything that happened in your past and everything that is occurring in your present.
And to free ourselves from that, we must return and we have to re-experience the past.
We have to understand it as it was, not with our stories, but as it was.
Not with our stories. And there's a mythology series that might be useful for you to listen to.
It was a little bit earlier in the podcast series, but we have to return to experience the past directly.
Because the stories that we make up to dilute and dissolve the pain of the past is the prison that we're in.
We've become addicted to stories for painkillers, for painkilling, in the way that people become addicted to morphine for painkilling, with similar results.
So thank you so much for listening. I really do appreciate it.
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