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Feb. 1, 2007 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
39:59
628 The Die Is Cast

Really, there's no way to describe this one...

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Good morning everybody, it's Steph.
Pinch, punch, first day of the month.
It's February the 1st, 2007.
And it looks like, in a pretty significant way, that the die has been cast.
Yes, my friends, the die has been cast.
I had a chat with my boss yesterday, and we sort of frankly discussed how I'm not really enjoying this job, or I rather frankly discussed how I'm not really enjoying this job, and no particular important reasons, just that I'm a technologist by nature and by history and by preference.
And the job that this is, I thought it was marketing to find out what the market wants and then designing products, but it's not anticipated the product's going to need any redesign over the next year or so, so basically it's just, you know, endless reams of market analysis, which doesn't really thrill me too much.
So... I don't...
There's going to be some adjustments, let's just say.
And I'm in negotiations to go down to part-time and so on.
You know, that kind of stuff. But the most important thing, of course, is that this is not going to be something that I'm going to backfill by looking for another job.
Of course, I mean, I'm going to give a go at making Free Domain Radio a viable job.
Opportunity for me.
And of course I'm thrilled in a way, but there's much more to it than that for me.
I was just talking about it with Christina last night.
I thought I'd share it with you all, tender souls.
Do you know how much I don't want to do this?
Do you know how much I really, really don't want to do this?
And that was sort of an interesting feeling for me.
That was an interesting experience for me.
I was sort of mulling it over and trying to figure it out, and so I'll tell you what I've come to, and then maybe somebody could help analyze me.
But I really, really, really don't want to do this.
And I was saying to Christina last night, I've spent my whole life not doing this.
I've spent my whole life not doing this.
I was... I've always been good at philosophy.
I've always enjoyed philosophy.
So what have I done?
Well, I went and did half an English degree.
And then I went and did two years at theatre school writing and acting.
And then I went and did two years at history school, finishing a history degree.
And then I did a master's in history.
And I did not go into a PhD.
I actually applied for one, but some bad marks in my third year of university kept me out.
This is when I was doing way too much theater.
But, you know, I was still really good at philosophy, so what did I do then?
Well, then I started a software business and did that for seven years or so.
And then I was still really good at philosophy, and what did I do then?
Well, I spent a year and a half writing novels.
So my whole life I've been trying to not do this.
And so the fact that I'm going to do it, and the fact that I feel some significant ambivalence about it, is not too surprising to me.
Although I guess it's a little surprising in some contexts.
But I'll tell you why I think I don't want to do it.
And you can let me know what you think.
Well, first thing, reason number one, that I don't think this is the reason I don't want to do it.
Money. I don't think that's a terrifically big issue for me.
I'm pretty sure I can make it work.
So, I don't think it's a question of money.
I don't think it's a question of risk.
I don't think that it's a question of...
A fear of confrontation or problems of that sort or people getting mad at me or all of the stuff that goes on when you speak about deep and true things to a wide and relatively unknown audience.
So I don't think that's the issue because that has...
I've sort of bitten that bullet off in the first couple of months.
So I've...
I can make that work.
It's certainly not because...
My wife doesn't support me on this.
Christina is overjoyed that I can get a chance to do this.
And it's not because I don't know what to do with this.
I've got some ideas.
I'm sure I can lean upon the kindness of the listeners to give me some tips on how to make things work from this standpoint.
financially and professionally, and so it's not even so much that.
But there are two reasons, I think, that I don't want to do it.
The first reason is anti-vanity.
But I'll get to that one in a sec.
The other reason... It's that I find it emotionally challenging to accept, and I'm having a great deal of difficulty accepting it, but I will talk about it nonetheless, lesson, you can let me know what you think.
I'm having a great deal of emotional difficulty accepting that I live in a world where this has to be done.
I really, I think my whole life worked on the premise that there was just enough health in the world that I could find my way. .
That there was just enough health in the world that I could find some avenue, some way.
You know, like I'd get a novel published because somebody would recognize the quality and the Energy and the positivity of my novels.
And I would find an artistic audience, and I wasn't expecting it to be a huge one.
Or maybe I thought that there would be just enough health that I could reach and tap into that health.
And maybe use it to sort of detonate a wider kind of health, right?
So when I started writing novels and plays and poetry and so on, I thought, yeah, well, okay, I know the world's kind of crazy.
But there's a lot of latent health out there, and I can tap into that through my art, and people might be moved to becoming healthier through that.
Through the art. Or through my acting, or whatever.
And then I thought, I'm sort of just, I'm looking at this retrospectively, so I'm not saying that all of this was conscious at the time.
I'm just trying to look at the larger movements of my life, which can be a little baffling at times.
And then I sort of went, well, there doesn't seem to be any room in art for what it is that I want to do.
I can't seem to get people very interested in what I'm doing artistically.
In terms of writing, in terms of the novels, the plays, and the poems, which were my sort of three main ways of expressing myself, there was no liftoff.
There was barely any interest.
There was some amused curiosity, like, oh, isn't it interesting?
He wrote a book. It's like a dog playing the piano.
The trick is not that he does it well, but that he does it at all.
So then I think I moved from the artistic realm, because I wasn't finding any purchase or traction there, I moved from the artistic realm to the realm of derived ideas.
There's no R. And so I moved to academics, and I wanted to study history.
Because in studying history I would learn some more about the present.
Because of course when you come from a really crazy family like mine, the world looks saner and it's easy to miss that it's not as much of the sanity as you think.
It's just... You know, crazy cleans up good.
That's the motto of the modern world, right?
Hose off crazy and put it in a suit and give it a nice shave and put it on a podium and that's our communication.
Those are our orators.
So, not finding any purchase in the world of art, I move to the world of ideas.
But they were derived ideas, of course, right?
They were ideas that...
It came out of history and came out of other methodologies for dealing with knowledge that weren't specifically philosophical.
And there was a reason, you know, in fact, there was a reason that I did not take a degree in philosophy.
And primarily that reason was that modern philosophy in particular just scared the crap out of me.
And I just didn't want to have anything to do with it.
I knew some people I played squash with a fellow who later directed me in Macbeth, who was taking philosophy, and he was quite mad.
And I asked him about his philosophy classes, and they just seemed like exercises in self-erasure and self-destruction.
And that could have been a clue for me, but it wasn't.
And I did take some classes in philosophy, particularly in a In Aristotle, Aristotelian class, it was great.
But that process of trying to find a nook or cranny in the world without having to Go philosophy without having to do the philosophy thing, has been a pretty constant process of my life, of trying to find a chink in the craziness of the world where I can find a way in and find some purchase and find some, you know, primarily economic, right?
I kind of broke my whole childhood and my whole 20s while I was in school, so making the money was not off the table as far as priorities for me.
In fact, it was kind of job one.
So I didn't find it in the art world, and I didn't find it in the world of academics.
And so then I went into the business world.
But that all unraveled as well.
And I know, I mean, that was partly me, of course, I mean, in terms of the people that I chose to do business with, and there are other people who I could have chosen to do business with, and so on.
But that didn't work either.
And now being at my third company, I mean, I loved being at Caribou for the first couple of years.
It was just fantastic. The last year, year and a half...
Not so much, but the first, you know, four or five years, just what a wild and fantastic ride that was.
And the job that I had before this one, it was good.
Three years, it wasn't bad.
I learned a lot of good stuff, but...
Anyway, so...
I've kind of not wanted, or I've wanted to explore every other option...
Other than philosophy.
It's like philosophy is absolutely and totally the career of last resort for me and it's not because of the risk or the financials or anything like that.
It's because it...
It's because for me it requires accepting living in a world where it's necessary to do this.
Where it is inescapably necessary to do this.
And I also wanted to apologize to all my listeners for being pompous.
Oh, blah blah. Major General Blah Blah.
I have been telling everyone with sanctimonious authority, for which I absolutely and totally apologize.
I've been telling everyone, oh, you've got to be careful, you see.
Philosophy is a slippery slope, and you think you're taking a set of stairs, and it turns into an icy chute, and you think you're in control of it, and that it starts to take over your life, and blah blah blah blah blah.
Massive and humble apologies.
It is absolutely good to kneel at the altar of my own blindness from time to time and pray for sight, because there's a little something that I kind of missed out on as far as that goes, and it's a fairly important little something, which is that if philosophy is the most important thing, and if in the world today it is the most necessary thing, then why aren't I doing it?
It's a fairly basic question, and of course what I've found over the past six to twelve months is that I care less and less about everything else.
I just kinda care less about everything else.
And is that surprising?
No.
I have been trumpeting away the value of philosophy for 13 months, and I've been holding down a full-time job.
And that's not particularly rational for me.
I'm not saying this for anyone else.
I'm just saying it for me. So I think for me to recognize that...
And I'm resisting this knowledge, and I could be totally wrong.
And please, dear Lord, if you can talk me out of it, please do.
Please do. But I'm resisting two basic facts.
One, that philosophy is desperately needed.
And as far as helping the world goes, I would say it's far too early for art.
Far too early for art.
And that was my mistake.
Putting the cart before the horse, trying to sell the art before the philosophy is understood.
And I have become a philosopher because I could not succeed as an artist.
Or, rather, I could say that...
That my true self caused me to fail as an artist.
I feel exactly like I've been going down this corridor my whole life and I've been trying all these doors and picking all these locks and trying to find a way to fit in to some sort of economic niche or social niche or something like that.
And I keep trying all these locks.
And I get in a little ways and then I'm just back in the hallway again.
I can't figure out what the hell's going on.
And I have some success.
And then nothing happens. And that's been a very common theme for me.
And it's all been this massive true self training camp, it feels like, to allow me to truly commit to a life of philosophy and the communication of the beauty and the value of philosophy.
And to do so without mad vanity, without spurned False self, stinged rejection.
But just to do it with a sort of calm and, I hope, somewhat wise acceptance of the truth that it desperately needs to be done.
And this is the part I even have a hard time saying.
I have a really hard time saying this, so I apologize and I hope that I don't have to come back and apologize further for this.
But I'm just trying to work empirically.
I'll say it. You can recoil and then you can talk me out of it, which I would hugely appreciate.
It desperately needs to be done.
And nobody else can do it.
And that's a very hard thing for me.
It's a very, very hard thing for me to even think of.
It desperately needs to be done.
And no one else can do it.
And I really want somebody else to do it.
I really want somebody else...
To speak these truths from the mountaintops, awaken everyone in the valley, turn them on to truth and rationality and ethics and virtue so that I can sell my novels.
That's what I want.
I am an absolutely, totally, completely and utterly reluctant warrior.
Because there is such...
There's such mad vanity in that idea.
Yeah.
And I absolutely recoil from it.
But I don't know what else to conclude.
And that's been the great gift of the podcast and your listenership to me.
That has been the great gift of these podcasts and your listenership and your feedback and your concern Hostility and affection and affect and the communication of the effects that this conversation has had on you.
you.
That's a beautiful thing for me and it's led me to a very challenging place for me.
Because if I work empirically, and of course I like the idea of working empirically and logically, but if I do that, then I think I'm sort of, but if I do that, then I think I'm sort of, I think bound to come to the conclusion that this is kind of a unique
that I do have a generative power within me to create, validate, and express some pretty powerful truths, the most powerful truths, I think.
I don't want to be that guy.
Because it feels...
I even hate to say it.
It feels...
And here's another apology.
While I avoid this phrase.
Here's another apology, which I'm going to extend to everyone.
That I'm pompously lecturing everyone about how they should not be afraid of being large.
And I am really afraid of being large.
That large. I mean, that's pretty freaking huge for me.
That's really huge.
The world needs truth, and I'm the one to do it.
It is really hard to accept anything like that, and I'm really resisting it, but I'm not having much luck.
Because that just feels like a whole bag of messianistic craziness, it's...
It really does. And it's really...
But, you know, when I look at myself and I sort of ask, what the fuck did I think it was going to be?
What did I think I was going to do?
Keep it as a hobby? Well, kind of, yeah.
Kind of, yeah, I thought, you know, well, we'll just throw this stuff out, a little bit of course correction on the planet, a little bit of funsy philosophy, a little bit of funsy depth, and so on, but after lecturing everyone else and warning them about how philosophy will take you over, I have completely succumbed.
And I absolutely am on the verge of just completely surrendering to this whole process, because fighting it, you know, hasn't really done me a whole lot of good.
And it also feels, creepily for me, like being in the service of something larger than myself, which doesn't offend my vanity, such as it is, but feels a little bit close to spirituality in that sense.
And it's certainly not in the service of humanity, because humanity, for the most part, doesn't really like what I'm saying.
But it's more like being in the service of the truth, right?
But the truth doesn't exist except as so far as Reality indifferently displays it, and it can be synthesized and refined and communicated in a way that's hopefully enjoyable to listen to.
So there's no glowing maiden of truth that I kneel before.
But, I would say that for me, accepting this, I can only accept this if it is a very large task.
I can't accept that I'm going to turn a hobby into my life's work and keep it a hobby.
And as you know, I mean, I don't want to self-perjure in that sense, or a perjure.
I don't want to put myself down and say that it's always been a hobby.
I really have tried to live my life by these values, but the fundamental thing that I've missed is that if philosophy is the greatest value, and it is desperately needed by the world, and it doesn't seem like anyone else is doing it to the degree that we're doing it, then what other conclusion could I have about what my life's work should be here?
I mean, it's fairly obvious.
But I really have wanted to find out if there's any way not to do it.
And I've really tried to avoid it because I don't want to accept that the world is the way it is and that it's not going to heal itself and there's no...
You know, there's no elite ninja squad of truth-tellers out there who are turning things around for us.
We're quite the opposite. So the world is not going to heal itself, and the world desperately needs truth, and it desperately needs depth, and it desperately needs a passionate exposition on the science of morals and all of the other things that we talk about here, here, and it desperately needs integrity, and it desperately needs, you know, good-hearted people desperately need support and help.
And based on the evidence of these podcasts, and I will listen to one every now and then, I will listen to one every now and then.
And they really are quite amazing, I think.
And there is no...
There's nobody else out there having these conversations at this level, at this depth, in this kind of unified way, where the politics and the personal and the philosophical and the psychological and the artistic, and dare I say it in the best and most rational sense, the spiritual, where it all comes together in an actionable way.
Where we do the business cycle and dream analysis.
I don't think there's another conversation that's out there.
I don't think there ever has been Another conversation out there that's like this, and I say conversation because it is participatory, but...
I absolutely and completely and totally hate the idea that it has to be done, and I'm...
Not that I have to do it, but it has to be done, and I'm the only one who can do it.
I don't mean do it alone. I mean, I apologize for talking in this kind of way.
I just really want to express how horrible the idea is to me.
It's horrible that it has to be done.
Because we always want someone else to pick up the sword, right?
You know that Seinfeld.
I don't want to be a pirate.
I don't want to be a philosopher.
Somebody else do it. I don't want to do it.
I really don't. There's one of my favorite movies, it's Room with a View, and in it, Helena Bonham Carter and her brother sing a song which...
I'm not thinking my voice is a little messed up for my cold, I'm just getting over it, so...
I'm not even going to try and sing it, but the line is, towards the end, it's easy, live and quiet, die, and that is a lot of what I sort of had planned for myself.
I don't want to be that...
warrior, and I don't want to be...
I don't want to be somebody who who says and I know I've said it before and I apologize for all of that for not really understanding what I don't want to be somebody who says I'm going to try and save the world.
It totally feels crazy and it totally feels like too big to be sane.
You know, too big a goal, too big too big an ambition but I would not do it For any other reason.
I could not do it for any other reason.
And so here I am.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I luxury everyone. And oh, you know, the curse of humanity is smallness and we all need to be big.
And then I'm wrestling with this devil, the anti-vanity, right?
That the soul of the species needs to be saved and I'm the one to do it.
And oh, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
hate it.
I don't want to do it.
It's too big.
It's too big, but, you know, really, what's the alternative?
I mean, that's the part that I was having trouble with.
What's the alternative? What else?
Muslims keep slashing the foreheads of their children.
People keep being raised to fear the sky and Fear the flames of religion.
People continue to be raised to fear their parents, to fear the priest.
People continue to be raised to lick the boots of the state that kicked them.
Humanity remains in its squalling, self-destructive infancy with nuclear weapons.
Is that the alternative?
Is that what happens if I don't act?
If I don't make this my life's work?
work is that and I've really been looking for other people to have done it or to be doing it so that I don't have to and if you know of anyone do tell me you know what I'm doing
But it feels like I'm just trying to swallow a watermelon It feels absolutely daunting, and...
it is very hard...
to not feel, you know, just a little bit crazy.
And reluctant.
And... it's not because...
It's not because the responsibility, such as it is, would be alarming to me.
I've already dealt with that.
And it's not the hostility, as I said.
It's not these things. Not the financial concerns or anything like that.
I was talking with Christina last night in bed and I was saying, you know, what would be great?
I can't wait for that first day when somebody's wearing a Freedom Aid radio t-shirt and somebody comes up to them and says, Hey!
BCF! And that will happen, and I also can't wait for the day when two people on a bus are wearing the Freedom Aid Radio t-shirts and fall to talking.
I think that'd be great. And I think all of that's going to work, and I think all of that's going to happen, and I think all of that's going to be great.
So that doesn't concern me as much.
It's just that it's so big.
It's so big a goal. It's so big a goal.
And, uh, frankly, I guess I would say that I'm not very comfortable with my abilities or with my talents.
You know how they, um, I don't know exactly how to put it, but you know how they, um, will, uh, will pay Brad Pitt or whatever $20 million to be in a film because, you know, he's Brad Pitt.
I mean, that's, That's a...
It's a unique skill. It's a unique ability.
And... He's worth it, obviously, right?
I mean... Because they pay him.
And... What is it? That's some pitcher?
Over a hundred million dollars? Something bad like that.
And they pay him. Because the unique...
The ability is unique.
And... I think that...
And again, I really hate talking about this kind of stuff, but I'm just trying to work through my resistance to this.
Because I'm not going to do it half measures.
I'm not going to do it half measures.
And I need a clear mission statement, which is a cheesy way of just saying I need a clear goal.
What is it that I'm trying to do? What is it that I'm trying to do?
Am I trying to increase donations or payments by X amount of dollars?
Well, that's just a financial goal.
And if it's a financial goal that's the only thing that's important to me, then I would just go and get another job and get paid the bucket loads of money that software pays you.
It's not a financial goal.
Is it to get the number of podcast listenership up by 20% each month, however that can be achieved?
No. That's the goal of everybody who podcasts.
Is it to get a radio show?
Well, no, because, I mean, I certainly will, but no, because that would be the goal that everyone who already has a radio show has already achieved and the world is not saved.
So in breaking down the real core goals, the core mission statement, what is it that I'm doing that is particular to my abilities and my goals?
Sorry, that's a bit redundant.
Well, it has to be to save the world.
I mean, to try, right?
To try. Which, of course, is to say that I can.
I mean, that's the part that I hate.
That the world needs saving, that no one else is going to do it, and that I can.
And, absolutely, I'm perfectly happy to say, yes, there could be more modest goals, and so on.
But, you know, if this is going to be my life's work, and not just, well, I'll take six months and give it a shot.
Then I need to have a goal that is logical.
And looking over, or listening over to the podcasts as they have occurred over the past year or so, and the articles.
I mean, in some of my articles I've openly talked about saving the world.
That this is the way to do it.
But this way is my way, right?
I mean, that sort of breaks down logically, right?
But when you consider that kind of stuff, the singularity of the conversation, the uniqueness of the abilities, the I mean, the reason and the emotion that I feel about philosophy, the love and the beauty of truth,
I don't think it's particularly rational to come up with another goal, because what I try and talk about, I think, is as universal as I can make it, as deep and as logical.
As I can make it. So, obviously, it is, language barriers aside, the world that I'm trying to talk to.
Petty pop culture references accepted.
And what is it that I'm trying to do?
Well, I'm trying... To speak the truth to people, to talk about the beauty and the power of the truth and the actionability, right?
the effectiveness of the truth, not in the abstract, not in learning about the business cycle or the evils of friend control or anything, which doesn't actually cause you to achieve any particular or personal changes in your life, other than lots of arguments.
But I'm trying to save people from a life of conformity and inconsequentiality, just as I was saved by the actions of others and of myself.
Thank you.
So I've been dabbling, but unfortunately, I've been dabbling in heroin.
And just working empirically from what I think is a very successful conversation.
For me, for sure, of course.
and many thanks to you and your patients and your interest.
But it's been a very successful conversation Certainly far more successful than I imagined.
I mean, I didn't know I could do all of this.
this.
Really, I didn't.
I didn't know that I could do all of this.
And so for me...
I mean, I was always the writing guy, not the spoken guy.
I mean, acting, yeah, but that wasn't my words, right?
But working empirically...
The themes are universal.
The desire is...
Salvation of a kind...
I mean, again, I apologize for the messianistic language absolutely and totally and completely.
And so, if what I'm talking about is universal, and what I'm aiming for is to change people's lives for the better, to make the case for greater rationality and integrity, then empirically, what is it that I'm trying to do? Universally help people, let's just say.
Forget Save the World, maybe that's too green-piecey.
But that is a very, very big suit of armor to put on.
I mean, that really is a big and weird suit of armor to put on, or it's a very big hat to wear.
I feel like I'm in Hattie Town.
Got these little feet sticking out from this huge sombrero.
So, yeah, I mean, I think that it's going to take a little while, because that's the part that scares me the most, is the size of who I'm because that's the part that scares me the most, is the size of who I'm The size, of course, which always reminds me of insecure, false self, ego inflation, right?
But I don't know how to take on this as...
My life's work without being large.
And I find it hard to be large without feeling that it's false self and vain and all this other kind of stuff.
So really that's the dilemma that I'm wrestling with.
It's not exactly a natural state for me.
So, if you have any advice or any thoughts, or can get me off the hook in any way, and say, oh, Steph, don't worry, there's this guy in Malaysia who's doing a much better job than you are, and you're off the hook.
I mean, if you can... Find it somewhere out there to get me off the hook.
I would hugely appreciate it.
Or if you can find some way to get me to diminish the size of the goal, I would absolutely appreciate it.
Because this is a challenging wrestle for me, let me tell you.
Because most of the people I know with big goals are mad as hatters, so...
Anyway, thank you so much for listening.
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