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Oct. 4, 2006 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
42:36
446 Full Disclosure Part 3: Soldiers (note, official 'potty mouth' podcast!)

A recruiting colonel comes clean with potential recruits...

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Time Text
Good morning, maggots!
Sorry?
What? Oh.
A thousand apologies, men.
I am not allowed, apparently, apparently, to call you maggots until after you sign your enlistment papers.
So, uh...
Good morning, gentlemen.
Thank you so much for coming to your introductory information session about joining the army.
We appreciate your desire to serve your country.
Oh, I got this thing in my ear.
I'm not allowed to say that you serve your country, so scratch that.
Thank you for coming to hear about the Army.
Appreciate your time, and we have some things to go through to give you a sense of What being the army is going to be like and what, as you know, there's these truth in advertising laws that have now been extended to match the requirements in the public sector as in the private sector, so I can't tell you anything that isn't true.
And so I'm going to have to...
This is going to be a little new for me.
Let me tell you that.
It's going to be a little new for me.
I'm... I'm really not at all used to being upfront about what might be going on for you in the Army, so I'm sorry if I'm going to stumble around a little bit, but we...
This is tough.
Already I want to...
Anyway, that's for after you sign up.
So, okay.
Let's see, truth in advertising, what have we got here?
Alright, so we have to go over some of the basics of soldiering, and this is a term that we're having some negotiations with the lawyers with.
They, of course, feel that the truth in advertising phrase would be hitman, But as an affront to everything that I believe in, I basically want to skullfuck whoever is saying that phrase.
Sadly, though, until the pencil-necked lawyers figure out what the hell term we're supposed to use, we're allowed to use the term soldiers, so maybe this will be the last time I'll get to refer to our profession with the honor to...
Sorry? Oh, uh...
Really? God damn it!
Alright, I am not allowed to use the word honor because that has been copyrighted by the libertarians, pencil dick geeks.
So, what the hell am I allowed to talk about?
The facts? The truth?
Really? Alright.
Alright, okay. So, the truth.
All right. So, if you join the army, then we'll go over some of the basics of what's involved and what you're getting into.
The first thing, of course, is that...
We are going to be paying you with money that is taken from taxpayers by force, like anyone didn't know that.
So the money that you will be paid for will be forcibly extracted from the taxpayers.
And personally, I... I've always found this a little funny, so I guess it's not the end of the world to say it up front.
These no-neck, scrawny, pimply lawyers say I gotta say it.
Well, by God, it's not bad to get it off my chest because you can't handle the truth.
So, the funny thing is, you know, like, it's always struck me as ironic.
Maybe it will you. Maybe you grade 12 rejects don't even know what the word ironic means.
No problem. We don't like him too smart.
So... It's kind of ironic, you know, that we have these sheep-like taxpayers who are told and who swallow it wholesale that they need the military to protect their property.
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, man, it's too funny.
I mean, you don't have to be the smartest chicken in the roost to get into the military, but even I can tell that one's pretty goddamn funny.
Ah!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah!
Hellfire spitting derision.
Ha ha ha!
The taxpayer, you see, needs the military in order to protect his property.
And how is the property that the military needs to survive paid for?
Then he seems to have trouble with this particular connection.
That he claims he needs the...
The military to protect his property.
Of course, the military, that would be me and perhaps you if you've got the balls, and excuse me ma'am, the others.
But in order to protect his property, the taxpayer gives up his property at the point of a gun.
I just think that's pretty funny.
In order to protect my chastity, I am going to submit myself to rape.
Well, at least it gets it over with, right?
Anyway, we'll get to the spoils of war later.
First and foremost, we need to talk a little bit.
So we've gone over the funding thing, that you are paid by money taken from stupid-ass taxpayers at the point of a gun.
And also, when we're trying to bait you people into...
Signing up for the military.
Doing your duty and...
What? Oh, come on.
I can't use the word duty?
Jesus Christ.
Fucking lost.
Alright. If you sign up to the military, we're going to be promising you all these goodies, you know, we'll give you some education and we'll teach you how to run a frickin' radar and fire a torpedo and stab a sandbag like it's somebody's guts and hopefully, with any luck, one day it will be, that we're going to be promising you all these goodies that you're going to get.
And these goodies are also going to be taken from the taxpayer by force.
To further help you protect their property.
I'm sorry. Oh, it's the biggest fucking joke.
And I tell you, it's been going on for thousands of years.
It's, uh... Oh, it's funny.
It's the protection thing, you know?
I gotta tell you. And a friend of mine's in the...
Story for another time.
Anyway, so you will get paid from the taxpayer, and the money's going to be taken by force, and if the taxpayer doesn't pay it, then we throw him in jail, which for you would be military prison, or for you over there at the brig, and that's how we protect their property.
This is just sort of by the by. - Woo! - Woo!
Not only do we protect their property by pointing a gun at them and stealing their property, but we also protect the sanctity of their personhood, their delicate little civilian flesh.
We also protect that by threatening them with jail.
And also by going overseas and pointing guns and shooting a whole lot of fairly excitable Muslims.
You know, there's nothing like a business where you get to force people to pay it, and you get to scare the shit out of them by going around the world and poking your stick into a bunch of homicidal rat's nests waiting to see what comes out to bite everybody in the ass.
Oh my god. You know, it's funny, I hated these goddamn laws, but I can tell you the truth's a little liberating.
See, this is the kind of fun you can have when you become a military man.
Alright, let's keep moving on.
Now, there are some deceptive advertising phrases, apparently, that my lawyers have drilled into me that I need to clarify for you people.
And one of them, of course, is serve your country.
I am... Hereby instructed to inform you that your country does not exist.
Apparently, if you offer a rebate and there's no money, that's illegal, but you can tell people that they're serving their country when a country doesn't exist.
Apparently, I'm supposed to tell you it's a map in somebody's brain.
It's a bunch of lines on a piece of paper and a bunch of colors on a globe.
It has nothing to do with anything real, so you will not be serving your country.
It's also that you will not be serving the taxpayers.
Sorry, the taxpayers.
The word itself is pretty funny.
Anyway, like they pay, right?
Like if you go and rob some guy, he's paying you.
I love it. I love it.
Anyway, you...
That's the... Shit. Fuck, it's too funny now.
What the hell was I? Son of a bitch.
Anyway. So, you will not be serving the taxpayers, because the taxpayers have got to pay for your goddamn worthless hides, whether or not you think you're worth a spitting a rainstorm or not.
You will be serving...
You're political masters, just as I serve my political masters.
That's the deal.
That's the job. And if you've watched The Sopranos, you have some idea of what this all means.
Someone who's high up, I gotta go over the mechanics, right?
The truth in advertising and all this bullshit.
So, someone high up in the pencil-dicked civilian authority says to us...
Basically go shoot some guys.
That's kind of it, really.
That was a little shorter than I was expecting.
What? Oh, fuck.
All right. More details, more details, more details.
So some civilian leader writes a bunch of shit on a piece of paper and...
Hands it around and a bunch of other stiffs and suits get up and fight and scratch themselves and raise their hands and say yay or nay or some goddamn thing.
And the point is that at some point you read in the paper that we're going to be deployed somewhere and, you know, basically you drop your cocks, you grab your socks, you go fill your boots and you get the hell out into the ground.
So, that's basically it.
They tell us that we're going to go and do all this shit overseas, and, you know, you lock and load, brothers.
I mean, you get moving.
And they basically say there's some bad guys over there, and you fucking kill them.
That's the deal.
And I know that a lot of you are sort of interested in joining the cop shop too.
Fine. If you want to aggress against civilians who are legally mostly disarmed, fine.
If that's the size of your cojones, that's your deal.
I myself prefer shooting at people who have at least a tiny fucking chance to shoot back.
That's You know, maybe my death wish, that's my sporting fucking chance idea.
But if you want to, you know, pull guns on accountants who shit themselves when you walk into their office because they didn't pay their taxes, pay.
Gets me every time.
Hey, these are a hell of a lot more fun than I thought.
Anyway, if you feel like that's the kind of shit you want to do, then you want to stick guns in the face of people who you know aren't going to shoot back and who are old and fat and pathetic.
Okay, that's your thing.
I get your schoolyard vision of how you want to exercise power.
That's fine by me. So, you know, if you go to the cops, you know, let's say you don't like what we're putting down and maybe you're a fag and we don't take you, but if you go to the cop shop, that's fine.
I got no problem with it.
I think it's a bit chicken shit, but hey, you know, it's your life.
The one thing I will say is that I certainly, you know, you can't have a military without the cops, right?
I mean, so I got no problem with that because the cops take the money from the accountants and the taxpayers and everybody else and give it to us.
So, you know, as far as a shakedown goes, yeah, you need the guys in the mafia who are going to fight the other enforcers, right?
You know, when you go to the mattresses and you got people shooting, you need people who are going to shoot back, right?
And those, you know, those are the tough guys, right?
The guys who go and shake down the frightened little Korean store owners, you know, not so tough.
They got to look tough. They don't have to be so tough.
So if you want to be on the look tough, not be so tough guys, then go to the cops.
I got no problem. You get the money, you give it to us.
But, you know, if you really want to have a fair fight, oh, I mean, maybe not a fair fight because we got nukes and planes and shit like that and we only fight, you know, death at rats and sand niggers and so on.
So, if you want to go and do the cop thing, that's great.
If you want to do the thing with a little bit, you know, one extra ball, then you join the military where, you know, You get shot, I mean, fucking cops, right?
I mean, one drug raid and one cop gets shot a year and they're all, oh my god, oh my god, front page, front page, right?
We go to war, a couple of us get whacked a week, it's fucking three pages down in the obituary column.
So, yeah, if you want to do something that takes some real balls, if you want to shoot at people who will actually shoot back, Here's where you want to be, right?
If you want to go and shove a gun in old granny's face because she didn't like her property tax increase, fine.
Go do that. Just get us the fucking money either way.
That's all I'm saying. Now, this thing about...
You know, there'll be a lot of shit floating around, a lot less now, right, than there used to be, right?
When we used to do this, before these stupid laws came into place, you know, we'd pull out the phrasebook, we'd pull out the handbook when we're going to war.
It's not too fucking difficult, right?
I mean, a good old friend, Höring Göring, or whatever the hell his name is, he put it pretty well.
He said something like, I don't know what the fuck it was, but something like, you know, what's a...
What's in war for the average guy, right?
It doesn't do him any fucking good.
Oh, excuse me. Pardon me.
Turns out I'm allergic to honesty.
Anyway, he says, you know, what the fuck is the average farm boy going to get out of going to war?
Nothing, right? He gets dragged off his farm, he gets his ass sent overseas, and he's going to come back, if he's lucky, missing an eye or an arm or a leg for what?
For nothing. For us, but, you know, I mean, I don't go to the front really so much.
That's not my thing. I like to talk tough, but I'm a kind of behind-the-lines kind of guy.
We don't have to get into that.
That's more personal disclosure, which I'll get into in a bit.
But he said, you know, it's pretty easy, right?
He said it's pretty easy to start a war, and this is the handbook that we used to go with, right?
And you scare the shit out of people, and you layer all this evil shit on the other side, right?
Like there's some basic difference between people who get paid to kill people, whether it's our side or their side, right?
But, yeah, you just inflame fear and hatred of an enemy, someone who's different than you.
With any luck, they'll strike and kill a citizen, or you can always do that shit yourself if you've got to.
Hey, it's not a pretty world out there.
You inflame hatred, and the media always plays along with this.
Everybody's scared of us. Everyone's scared of the cops.
Everyone's scared of the soldiers.
Especially the intellectuals.
Fuck me, those guys.
They'll lick your asshole if you forget to wipe, I'm telling you.
So yeah, no problem.
They'll inflame all of the guys who are good with words and so on, right?
They'll inflame the population, the hatred of some goddamn foreigners, and then anybody who questions it, you call them unpatriotic.
It's really fucking ABC. It's like, the recipe for this dish is like three fucking lines, right?
So, we used to do all of that shit, now we don't.
At least until these laws get lifted, full disclosure, conflict of interest, and all that crap.
Now, we can't do that, so now we've got to kind of tell you the truth.
We fucking like war. We fucking like war.
You know? I mean, from my standpoint, that's sort of what it comes down to.
I like shooting shit. I like blowing stuff up, right?
I mean, you like maybe watching it in a fucking Michael Bay film.
I like living it in real life.
So, I like explosives.
I like oiling my gun.
It gives me a hard-on.
And I like shit that goes boom.
And I like splattering people's brains over a brick wall.
That's my thing.
I mean, not me so much like I like to tell other people to do it.
But, you know, I did it once and...
I'm a better man for it, I guess.
But, so yeah, a lot of us fucking like war, you know?
So we're chomping at the bit the whole time, right?
Let's slip the dogs of war my ass.
You know, we're the dogs of war, right?
And so we like war.
And the politicians like war because, you know, the pencil dick historians will write them up as heroes for pointing at a map and saying, go kill these fuckers and having other people go kill them that are paid for by other people who stick guns in granny's faces, right?
It's all too heroic for words, right?
So we like war, you know?
It's a good thing. And we get to strut around, and we get to play with big toys, and, you know, we get to shoot at shit, right?
I mean, it's a good thing.
It's a fucking great thing.
And so that's sort of one side.
But, you know, the main reason is that, you know, people make a...
People make fucking truckloads of money.
I mean, that's what war is all about.
You know, you sell to the military, you fund the military, you're involved in military, you have defense spending of any kind.
You need a war. I mean, we love the war because we like blowing people up.
They love the war because they get to make a lot of money, right?
These fat fucks behind these desks, they get to make a fucking fortune.
Just so you understand it, right?
I mean, we got all this other shit going on about noble heroic sacrifices and stuff like that.
Pretty funny. Pretty funny.
But, you know, we're making the world safe for freedom, and the only way that we can do it is stick guns in your faces and force you to pay us in the form of taxes.
So, a shakedown is freedom from the mafia, right?
That's... Fuck me, I tell you.
Sometimes I just want to turn my guns on the whole population.
They're so fucking stupid.
But, um... So yeah, it's, you know, like we like blowing shit up.
Politicians like getting their names in history books.
But, you know, mostly the whole reason that the thing exists is because, you know, people get to take a whole lot of money from you.
And now there's this whole thing going on where the government can just run up debts rather than taxing you.
The whole thing's invisible. Like until your kids get stuck with a...
Fucking visa bill the size of Gibraltar, but yeah, it's about transferring money, right?
I mean, I don't know what the hell goes on in the back rooms, but I sure know that what we do costs a lot of money, right?
There's a lot of money, and there's a lot of bribery.
You know, full disclosure, let's fucking do full disclosure, right?
There's a lot of bribery. You know, with this fucking war in Iraq, $9 billion goes missing?
Yeah, right. Like, that just fell out of somebody's wallet into a sewage thing.
It's like, oh, fuck, we got more, don't bother.
No, it's a lot of bribery.
Defense contractors, you go to the parking lots of the defense contracting companies, you know, all of the mid-level managers are driving fucking Mercedes.
Fucking Hummers. So, yeah, it's a lot of money floating around in this fish tank, babies, and there's no shortage of hands reaching in to grab this shit.
So, you know, it's a lot of bribery and war, a lot of, I mean, what the hell do you think we're doing to you?
Fucking spotty morons.
Well, yeah, we'll teach you telecommunications because you're so fucking bright you couldn't get into community college.
And that's bribery, right?
I mean, so, of course, we start with bribery.
Like, you'll serve your 20 and you'll get a fucking pension.
And we'll bribe you with all this shit.
It's not our money. It's not my money.
I'm not bribing you with my money.
I'm bribing you with other people's money.
I'm bribing you with other people's money who praise us for protecting their property rights and their persons.
Oh, fuck. Alright, let's get my game face on.
Let's keep moving. So, yeah, so we'll tell you all this shit about war, that it's some noble, heroic, you know, what?
Yeah, I'm using these words, like, hyperbolically or parenthetically or I don't know what the fuck it is.
It's not serious, okay? So, yeah, we'll talk about noble and war and protection and fucking honor and shit like that.
But, you know, fuck, I'm an angry guy.
I like to shoot people. And that's good for me.
And politicians want to get in books and people want to make a fuckload of money.
But I mean, I guess until now, until we were fucking forced to, we couldn't say that.
So, now we're saying it, right?
So, if you like blowing up shit and shooting people and torturing prisoners, then, you know...
This is the place to be, right?
Because I got to tell you, if you're that kind of fucking guy like I was, what are you going to do?
Get a fucking job at IHOP, huh?
I mean, come on.
Are you going to be a salesman?
Fucking walk around with nunchucks?
Buy my shit or I'll take you down?
Come on. Homicidal nutjobs like us?
What the fuck are we going to do?
It's this or a crime.
Well, this or being a cop or being a criminal.
Of the two, I'd rather be a criminal, right?
You're not going to get caught. You pay off the cops pretty easily and make a good deal of money.
But I'm not in this for the money.
I don't get paid a lot. I'm in it for hurting people, right?
I mean, that's my deal, right?
I'm not a surgeon. I don't anesthetize and heal, right?
When I cut people, I cut them good.
I cut them to bleed and I cut them to die.
So, war's good for me, because where the fuck else am I going to go?
Oh, can I be your middle manager?
Can I run your copy shop, sir?
I don't fucking think so.
So, yeah, so we're going to talk about all this shit.
You can see the old brochures.
I think some of them are still on the internet.
You can go and look and, you know, all of this, surf your country bullshit, you know, fine, you know, but it's not true.
I gotta tell you it's not true. Now, this other thing that, you know, seems to be a real shock to some fucking soldiers who get involved in this, you might have to shoot people.
I mean, I want to shock you assholes, but people, sorry, assholes is for later.
I don't want to shock you fine people, but there may be a war, so-called, right?
A police action, fucking peacekeeping, or some goddamn thing.
And you might have to go shoot some people.
And I don't want you all to get shocked and get your old panties in a twist, my young ladies, because it's kind of the fucking military, right?
I mean, it's kind of what we do.
So, you know, when we tell you to lock and load, you don't need to shit your frillies and say, oh, I didn't sign up for this.
I just wanted to look at a fucking radar screen, like on the commercials.
I want it to be an army of one.
Yeah, fuck the way it's going.
We might end up that way. So, yeah, so that's something to understand, right?
Because you might say, you might join up like, you know, like you're in fucking Canada or Sweden or something like that.
You might join up and say, hey, nobody's going to attack us, so I'm just getting me some free education, some regular meals, and a place to sleep.
Nobody's going to invade us.
But, see, I don't mean to shock you, but the thing is, nobody's got to invade us.
We don't give a shit.
If somebody invades us, great.
If somebody doesn't invade us, we'll just go invade somebody else.
How the fuck do you think somebody ends up invading us?
They're invading someone else. That just happens to be us.
And that's how it works.
So, it's got nothing to do with Whether you're surrounded by oceans, it's got nothing to do with whether you have people who are thinking of invading you.
I mean, we gotta go stimulate demand, right?
We're fucking all about the marketing.
We gotta go stimulate demand, which means we gotta go make the world a dangerous place.
Now we say the world is a dangerous place, who the fuck do you think made it a goddamn dangerous place?
We don't have guns because they have guns.
They have guns because we have guns.
Fuck, it's not that complicated.
I mean, okay, you know, our PR guys put out a lot of bullshit about, you know, all this shit that we talked about before, but frankly, they got guns because we got guns.
They attack us because we're attacking them.
Not that hard, except for people who've got fucking advanced degrees from some Ivy League bullshit place.
All right. I'm going to look down his list here, see what the hell else we've got to cover.
Yeah, we'll get to questions.
Fucking guys in the back. It's always the guys in the goddamn back, isn't it?
Some libertarian? Alright, so let's keep moving.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so we got this thing, right?
We're going to sign up. You may notice that your sign-up sheet is the size of my dick, sorry, is the size and thickness of a fucking telephone book, alright?
And the reason for that is that, you know, I'm going to give you all this bullshit up front about how long you need to sign up for if you join this fine, fine group of thugs, but frankly, it doesn't mean shit.
You put your John Q. Public on that line, we fuckin' own you.
We fuckin' own you.
I'm gonna tell you that up front.
Until you're in a fuckin' walker, we own your civilian ass, okay?
So yeah, okay, if you like, after a year, you'll be able to quit.
Unless we say something else, then you rise for life, okay?
There you go. That's your fuckin' contract.
Right? That's your fuckin' contract.
If you want to quit, you can fucking shoot yourself, okay?
That's your out. That's how you get out of the goddamn contract, okay?
Put a gun in your mouth, pull the trigger, and go greet the great warrior in the sky.
That's your way out of the contract.
Failing that, and failing you fucking losing your legs, another way out if you want, or, you know, humping the sergeant, you, my friend, are owned.
So, you know, we'll get you in.
Oh, yeah, you can give it a shot.
You can try it out. You know, we've got this new kinder, gentler, basic training, you know, because we're people who shoot people, so, you know, naturally, we're all about the fucking kind of gentle.
So, you know, we'll give you all this shit, start up, give it a shot, try it out, but if you don't like it, killing some people who you're told to kill, not so much for you, you're more interested in becoming that manager at IHOP, okay, you're out.
But it's bullshit, right?
I mean, just so you understand, right?
The other thing, too, is that you're going to get treated like garbage, of course.
I mean, who has any doubts about that, right?
Go rent full metal jacket.
I mean, that was a real guy, right?
So, no question about that.
But you're going to get to do a lot of fun torture shit, right?
And if you have any questions about that, then just, you know, there are lots of digital photographs floating around.
Have a look. That's some fun shit, let me tell you.
So, no question of that, you know, we really will turn you loose on a whole bunch of helpless people.
And, you know, you all probably didn't have the happiest of childhoods, and, you know, we all got some shit to work out, and let's work it out on other people's testicles.
That's my way of doing it, and, you know, I'd rather get paid to do that than pay for some goddamn shrink to look up my nose and tell me I'm nuts.
So, you know, you'll get to do that kind of fun shit.
But you're going to be treated like garbage, right?
You're going to get treated like shit. And I don't just mean like you're going to get yelled at and we're going to slap you around and sleep-deprive your ass and stuff.
I don't mean just stuff like that.
I mean, you know, like a bit more sort of serious stuff.
You know, like, the budget is, I don't know, how many goddamn billions of dollars now, but I just want you to understand that we're going to send you into combat, you know, with a peace shooter and a stern expression on your face, right?
And, you know, for armor, you're probably going to get, like, a thong and a flip-flop.
Like, one flip-flop, because two would be too much protection against landmines.
So, I just kind of want you to understand that, you know, as far as where the resources go in the military, you guys mean fucking squat.
I mean, this is what I mean when I say it's about money moving around.
It's about money moving around.
It's not about defending any asshole's freedom, because if it was, we wouldn't be taking his money at gunpoint to begin with, right?
I mean, that shit should be done right up front, but, you know, people just love sucking on this titty of fantasy.
But, yeah, I mean, you're going to get sent out there with shit, right?
With nothing. You have to buy your own fucking equipment.
There's going to be, like, eBay systems set up just for you, right?
So you can buy some Kevlar, so you can, you know, keep your precious white little hiney.
Well, sorry for that nine-tenths of you, the black hiney.
You have to buy your own shit.
We're not going to pay you that much.
You could make a lot more in civil life, but you don't get to blow shit up as much and you don't get to torture people.
Just so you understand, 90% of the money that's to do with the military isn't going to go to you.
Obviously, that's not going to go to you in terms of any fucking pay, but I'm talking about even equipment and shit like that.
You're not going to get nothing. Oh, yes, my lawyer friend, that is a double negative.
I'm so sorry.
I really wish my grammar was better, and that my grandmother hadn't given me such a salty tongue.
I do apologize for any sensibilities that I may have offended.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
So, alright, where the fuck were we?
Got that, got that, got that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.
So, just so you know, right, you don't get to...
I really got to say this?
Really? That's a fucking theology.
All right. You don't get to keep your soul.
Sorry. And not only do you not get to keep your soul, because...
You know, you'll be shooting people, but you don't get to keep your soul because you're a hitman, and, you know, apparently that's part of the deal.
But, you know, I've got to just sort of tell you about the freakiest thing.
This is why I stay in the Army, right?
I mean, I'm actually past my 20 years, right?
I'm all about the recruiting of the newbies, right?
The green-around-the-gills fuckwads like you.
Fine gentleman and lady.
Blackfellows. So, yeah, I stay here because the one thing that you've got to fucking understand about the military is that, yeah, okay, A, you're going to get your soul ground out of you.
I mean, that's no shock, right?
I've got to assume that that's not going to be something that's going to make you shriek like a girl.
Ma'am, lady. But...
You know, I think more importantly, and I spent a year or two out of uniform, like after my 20, but, oh man, I tell you, it really turns your stomach, right?
Because, you know, there are all these people who are in the civilian world who will just lick your goddamn boots if you're a soldier, right?
They just can't get enough of like what a great asshole you are for being a soldier, right?
Like you did some great sacrificing thing Like you went and served your country and you're just all about protecting their freedom, right?
Like I woke up every morning thinking like, yeah, there's all these assholes out there in the civilian world.
I'm the kind of guy who likes to shoot people, but I'm some sort of philosopher god of death that's out there only dealing out and meeting in violence to people who are threatening the tender freedoms of John Q. Public.
Oh man, it just turns your stomach.
This is the most fundamental thing that I couldn't stand.
That's why I came right back in here.
I mean... They're all out there, you know?
It's, oh man, it's ridiculous.
You go to any dinner party, I mean, not that I went to a lot, but you go to any place, people find out, and you know, you kind of got to let it slip, because, you know, it's just a compulsion, right?
But they find out you're in the military, they're all, oh, we want to thank you for the fine job you were doing over there to protect our freedom.
Oh, goddammit!
Oh, like, you know, the average soldier's, like, got an IQ of 90 and isn't, like, got a grade 10, a grade 11 education, but we're these fucking philosophers out there who are all about personal sacrifices to protect the freedom of assholes we've never even met.
The only freedom we're interested in protecting is our freedom to kill people.
Fucking asshole. Not you.
I know, I'm not supposed to say that about you, but...
Oh, man!
They fucking lick your boots as you kick them in the throat.
That, that is stomach-turning.
That is the part that I could not hack in Civvy Street.
That was just...
Oh, God, you just want it up.
Punch these fuckers in the throat.
You know, it's one thing to work in a slaughterhouse, you know, because they're just fucking cows, right?
You hit them with a sledgehammer and down they go.
But when the cows are telling you what a great guy you are right up until the moment you cudgel them, when they're saying what a great, great, fine and noble institution the slaughterhouse is and how honorable you are as you swing back your club, Well, that's a little stomach-turning, you know?
And I gotta tell you, it does make it a little bit easier, you know?
Like, I'm perfectly aware that we take people's money at gunpoint and we go and shoot other people, but, you know, they fucking deserve it.
You know, any asshole who's out there telling you what a great guy you are because you're willing to go shoot people for money.
Jesus fucking Christ.
And you know what's true? Is the less likely these assholes are to have anything to do with the goddamn military, the more military they are, right?
So these rich fucks, Republicans or whoever, They're not going into the military.
Those fuckers dodged it every chance they get.
Their kids aren't going into the military.
I don't notice George Bush.
He'll start a goddamn war, but he's not sending his daughters into the military.
Oh, no, no, no. See, that's not for the elite, right?
It's not for the smart guys.
It's for the guys who are fucking stupid, who believe that they'll get out of a military contract in a year, and who can't get into college any other way.
They can't get scholarships, right?
Can't get out of their shithole towns in Tennessee, or Ontario, or wherever the hell you're from.
So, I mean, those guys will pray you to the fucking skies.
And they're the ones who, like, sentimentalize and hallmark card the fact that we shoot and stab people.
Jesus Christ, this military voice isn't the easiest thing in the world.
But, yeah, these assholes will praise you to the skies for the fact that you're willing to get paid to shoot people.
And you think we got a fucking clue who we're shooting?
Huh? Ah, my God.
I mean, the average mouth-breathing jerks are ass-clown morons, not you guys, but later, after that, I send out to Afghanistan or to Iraq.
You think they got a fucking clue about the geopolitical situation that's going on and the motives for the war and the money laundering and the bribery and the massive pillaging of the public purse?
No! They don't have a clue.
They're idiots. They're idiots.
And the ones with nice flat-top haircuts who can piece a sentence together, yeah, we stick them in front of the cameras, right?
And we shake a couple of guns at journalists and embed them up their upper ass so that they can provide objective reporting on the war, because we sure as hell don't want Vietnam all over again.
But it's the praising that you get for being a hitman that is just amazing, you know?
Like, just once, just once.
Oh, man, this would be too fucking funny.
Just once, I'd like to go to some prissy-ass, highfalutin, Republican-ass dinner party, and I'd like to sit down next to some swarthy, hairy-chested, mouth-breathing, gotta-shave-the-back-of-his-hand kind of Italian guy.
He's in one of those shiny chrome-like suits that you could shave in, or shave looking at, and I'd like to sit down next to this guy, and I'd like to have the whisper and go around, like, I think he's in the mafia.
I'd like to sit down next to this guy, right?
Of course, we're fucking brothers in spirit.
One of us, we've got two different kinds of uniform, right?
One is by Hugo Boss, and the other one is by some asshole putting out cockies.
I'm going to sit down next to this guy.
This guy says, yeah, I'm a wacker.
I'm an enforcer. I'm a hit guy.
Everyone's like, oh my god, that's terrible.
You're just a bad guy.
You're just an evil guy. How can you do that?
How can you just kill people because people tell you to, right?
People will get uncomfortable and they'll move along and they'll say, hey, What do you do?
And I say, well, I'm a colonel in the armed forces.
And people are like, wow, even though I may disagree with some of the wars, I salute you.
You are a hero.
It's funny, right? Like, they're not serious.
They're not actually expecting this to be something that anybody takes seriously, that they look at the one guy who's in a nicer suit than I got, right?
I'm not in it for the outfits.
Although, I've got to tell you, the outfits are pretty cool, right?
Like, I think it's kind of cool, and I always haven't.
You know, maybe you feel the same way, in which case, you know, definitely this is the life for you.
You know, I think it's kind of cool, right?
Like, That the mafia guy gets threatened with jail, right?
And, you know, if the mafia guy, you know, shoots a guy that someone tells him to, well, he's a hitman, right?
He goes to jail.
But, you know, I do it because I got this magic fucking pixie uniform on, which changes everything, and I'm up as down, black as white, murder is good!
Murder is good! And this...
So I do it, like, without this uniform on.
I go plug a guy, because someone tells me to, and, you know, I'm the biggest evil asshole in the world, and I get my ass thrown in jail.
And yet I put this magic uniform on, and you gotta love this, right?
It's like expecting a kid putting on a Superman costume and actually flying, being able to fly.
I put this fucking Keebler-Alf costume on, and suddenly I go plug a guy, and I'm the best fucking guy in the world.
I get a pension, I get medals, I get heroes, I get chicks, I get...
I mean, it's just incredible. It's just incredible.
The army is like anti-gravity.
Like, it reverses everything.
And so I'm sitting next to this hitman.
I'm a hitman. I'm a much better hitman.
I bet you I've whacked way more guys than this guy.
And, you know, we're brothers.
We're the same guy. And he gets his ass thrown in jail and people won't even sit down to dinner with him.
And I got people fucking fucking queuing up to shake my hand.
I tell you. I tell you, it just makes you want to put a noose around the whole fucking human race and tighten it until they fucking flop and die.
But, you know, hey, somebody's got to pay the bills for me to be who I am.
That's the way the cookie crumbles.
So, listen. You know, I wanted to lay it out for you straight.
There's a lot more that I could say.
You know, I'm not even going to fucking bother asking if you got any questions.
I don't think I could have made it any more clear than I've made it.
So, you know, that's...
That's fucking it, right? Sign up and go shoot some shit.
That's the deal, right?
I'm not going to try and make it any more complicated or less complicated.
So that's it, right? The forms are in front of you.
If you've got any questions, fuck you.
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