Skeptoid - Skeptoid #300: The Secret of the Gypsy Queen
Aired: 2012-03-06
Duration: 16:32


=== The Secret of the Gypsy Queen (14:51) ===

[00:00:03]  Today's episode number 300 is a 50th show.
[00:00:07]  And you know what that means.
[00:00:08]  It's time for a special lavish musical.
[00:00:11]  Today's fairy tale features Rachel Bloom singing the role of Ilse, a little girl in a Bavarian village, who ends up saving the day when she turns out to be the only one who doesn't fall for the pop pseudoscience of the day.
[00:00:26]  Please enjoy The Secret of the Gypsy Queen.
[00:00:30]  That's coming up now on Skeptoid.
[00:00:36]  Hi, I'm Alex Goldman.
[00:00:38]  You may know me as the host of Reply All, but I'm done with that.
[00:00:42]  I'm doing something else now.
[00:00:44]  I've started a new podcast called Hyperfixed.
[00:00:47]  On every episode of Hyperfixed, listeners write in with their problems and I try to solve them.
[00:00:52]  Some massive and life-altering, and some so minuscule it'll boggle your mind.
[00:00:56]  No matter the problem, no matter the size, I'm here for you.
[00:00:59]  That's HyperFixed, the new podcast from Radiotopia.
[00:01:02]  Find it wherever you listen to podcasts or at hyperfixedpod.com.
[00:01:12]  You're listening to Skeptoid.
[00:01:14]  I'm Brian Dunning from Skeptoid.com.
[00:01:17]  The Secret of the Gypsy Queen.
[00:01:29]  I'd like to take you far away, far up into the hills, and introduce you to a girl whose story gives me chills.
[00:01:37]  T'was long ago that her adventures saved her little town from turning to a path that all too often we go down.
[00:01:46]  The little town was prosperous and all its people happy.
[00:01:49]  The scissor maker's name was Opa, German for grandpappy.
[00:01:54]  His little Ilsa loved him so, she ran his grinding mill.
[00:01:58]  One day she came into the shop and found him standing still.
[00:02:05]  Opa, you've got a scarf tied o'er your eyes.
[00:02:08]  Opa, you cannot see, you realize.
[00:02:10]  Dear Opa, what's the point of that?
[00:02:12]  You cannot see a thing.
[00:02:14]  You've done no work, you also look just like a ding-a-ling.
[00:02:21]  I'd say the shop's a mess if I were one to moralize.
[00:02:25]  Please, Opa, won't you tell me why that scarf's tied o'er your eyes?
[00:02:33]  It's called an uber scarf, it is.
[00:02:35]  A wondrous new invention.
[00:02:37]  It makes things go away, the things that cause me hypertension.
[00:02:41]  If stocks are low, the uber scarf will hide that from my sight.
[00:02:45]  If I can't see a problem, well, then everything's all right.
[00:02:48]  When the shop's untidy or the pantry shelves are bare, my splendid uber scarf will keep me blissfully unaware.
[00:02:58]  Of all I've heard, that is the most ridiculous today.
[00:03:05]  Who told you covering your eyes makes troubles go away?
[00:03:10]  Why, Ilsa, dear, I'll tell you, just a moment to recount it.
[00:03:14]  A friendly rat was selling them at market, all discounted.
[00:03:18]  He told me how it works.
[00:03:20]  He said my troubles would be banished.
[00:03:22]  And once he tied it round my head, well, sure enough, they vanished.
[00:03:26]  But one thing more convinced me of the uber scarf's cachet.
[00:03:31]  It's not made here.
[00:03:32]  Exotic scarves are crafted far away.
[00:03:35]  The gypsy queen of grocer cop creates them in her castle.
[00:03:39]  Her servant rats distribute them to spare the buyer hassle.
[00:03:44]  The gypsy queen.
[00:03:45]  I've heard of her.
[00:03:46]  So she's behind this mess.
[00:03:48]  The gypsy queen, that swindler.
[00:03:50]  I'll find her nonetheless.
[00:03:52]  I'll ask her what these uber scarves are really all about.
[00:03:57]  She sold my upper rubbish.
[00:03:59]  She and I will have it out.
[00:04:01]  The grocer cup is far away, but in my line of sight.
[00:04:05]  The journey's long, but off I go.
[00:04:08]  I'll try to make things right.
[00:04:14]  So Ilse packed a satchel and she started on her way.
[00:04:17]  Though Opa told her not to, Ilse chose to disobey.
[00:04:21]  She hadn't gone a furlong when she came upon a gent whose hard-earned money also on an uber scarf was spent.
[00:04:28]  He couldn't see, and so he made his way along the road by holding to a fence, and step by step was how he strode.
[00:04:37]  The mayor has an uber scarf tied all around his head.
[00:04:42]  The mayor has an uber scarf.
[00:04:44]  How far has this thing spread?
[00:04:47]  Oh mayor, please be careful, for you cannot see the lane.
[00:04:52]  We cannot have you falling down and ending up in pain.
[00:04:59]  Please, sir, may I ask you why you're covering your eyes?
[00:05:06]  Are you sure it helps you govern?
[00:05:09]  Are you sure it's very wise?
[00:05:15]  It's the greatest thing, the mayor said and groped to find the rails.
[00:05:19]  I see no beggars wanting food, no outlaws in our jails.
[00:05:24]  I see no trash or disarray.
[00:05:26]  My vision's been unleashed.
[00:05:28]  This uber scarf has opened up my eyes and shown me niched.
[00:05:32]  I'm going now to make a brand new city proclamation.
[00:05:36]  An uber scarf for every single person in the nation.
[00:05:43]  The problem's spreading far and wide.
[00:05:47]  Much farther than I knew.
[00:05:51]  The mayor has a level head, but he has bought one too.
[00:05:58]  It seems that everyone in town has bought the silly hoax.
[00:06:02]  Hello, what's happening at the home of these nice village folks?
[00:06:09]  And there they were, a man and wife, doing naught but standing there, wearing uber scarves and with their house in disrepair.
[00:06:16]  Their cottage doors were open and the upstairs windows too.
[00:06:21]  And into waiting wagons, rats tossed bags of revenue.
[00:06:27]  They walked right past the family as they carried away their swag and tipped their hats and waved and simply told them, Guten tag.
[00:06:36]  So that's the gypsy queen's design to make the folks content.
[00:06:43]  Then send her rats to clean them out of house and home and rent.
[00:06:50]  Call the crier, raise alarms from every house and tower.
[00:06:55]  It must be fast, it must be soon, for late no is they're I'm headed now for Grosser Cork to tell the gypsy queen exactly what I think of her and her disgusting scheme.
[00:07:13]  She ran along the road until she reached the edge of town.
[00:07:16]  But then she struck a roadblock manned by soldiers from the crown.
[00:07:20]  I'm sure you've guessed it, uber scarves were what the soldiers wore.
[00:07:24]  One spoke, you shall not pass this gate, but there was something more.
[00:07:28]  A group of rats came out and gathered round the little girl.
[00:07:32]  One well-dressed rat stepped up and did an uber scarf unfurl.
[00:07:37]  My charming Ilsa, said the rat, don't knock it till you've tried it.
[00:07:41]  I know you love your uber scarf.
[00:07:44]  Your worry is misguided.
[00:07:47]  You keep your uber scarf, you rats.
[00:07:51]  I will not buy your scam.
[00:07:55]  I'll not add to your sales.
[00:07:58]  That's for skeptical I am.
[00:08:03]  My business isn't here with you, so let me make this plain.
[00:08:09]  I'm headed for the grocer cop.
[00:08:13]  Good day, Alpha Sane.
[00:08:17]  Ilse sprang away.
[00:08:18]  The blinded soldiers bonked their heads.
[00:08:21]  Through the trees she ran and dashed through groves and riverbeds.
[00:08:25]  The soldiers tripped and stumbled and the rats all fell behind.
[00:08:28]  So Ilse got away, and then the grocer cop she spied.
[00:08:34]  A grueling journey brought her to the mighty mountain's feet, and up she climbed until she reached the gypsy queen's retreat.
[00:08:43]  Into the castle's dark she crept and came upon a scene.
[00:08:47]  A great stone hall all full of rats at work with sewing machines.
[00:08:52]  And then as Ilse watched, a fearsome presence soon appeared.
[00:08:56]  The gypsy queen herself was there, but Ilse only sneered.
[00:09:01]  Then she leaped into the hall and vaulted across a stone ravine.
[00:09:04]  She dodged some rats and ran right up to face the daunting queen.
[00:09:10]  So you are she, quite a spree, quite a sales jamboree.
[00:09:15]  New meaning you have given popularity.
[00:09:20]  You say it's great, worth the weight, you say it sets the whole world straight.
[00:09:24]  But all it really does is hide reality.
[00:09:31]  Oh, that's not all it does, my dear.
[00:09:33]  So spake the gypsy queen.
[00:09:35]  You've seen just the iceberg's tip of my corrupt machine.
[00:09:40]  Then giant gates swung open, and at least a hundred score of her illicit, dirty, thieving rats came marching through the door.
[00:09:47]  They pulled great wagons piled high with booty, loot, and plunder.
[00:09:52]  For all across the kingdom, every fortune lay asunder.
[00:09:57]  It's a trick, it's a trick.
[00:09:59]  Your whole plan was just a trick.
[00:10:01]  You gave them uber scarf so you could rob them blind.
[00:10:05]  You must stop, you must stop.
[00:10:07]  I am going to make you stop.
[00:10:09]  I will stop you anyway that I can find.
[00:10:17]  Oh, I think not, the queen remarked and very wryly smiled, as half a dozen rats lunged out and grabbed the little child.
[00:10:24]  Ilse saw the world go dark as something masked her eyes.
[00:10:28]  Her uber scarf was fastened tight when someone yanked its ties.
[00:10:35]  Take it off, take it off.
[00:10:37]  Do you hear me?
[00:10:38]  Take it off.
[00:10:40]  Take it off and let me go.
[00:10:41]  You've had your fun.
[00:10:44]  Let me go, let me go.
[00:10:46]  Are you going to let me go?
[00:10:49]  Let me go or you'll regret what you have done.
[00:10:58]  So tell me, little Ilse, asked the queen, what do you see?
[00:11:02]  You see no rats, you see no strife, you see no thievery.
[00:11:06]  Is not my uber scarf the finest thing you've ever worn?
[00:11:10]  But Ilse wasn't buying it.
[00:11:12]  No, Ilse wasn't torn.
[00:11:13]  She reached into a pocket with a hand that still was free.
[00:11:17]  Tell me, Ilse, asked the queen again, what do you see?
[00:11:22]  I see all I can.
[00:11:25]  Out came Opa's scissors with a single snippet fell.
[00:11:28]  Her eyes flashed bright, the rats jumped back, the gypsy queen as well.
[00:11:33]  She jumped to where some soldiers stood on guard across the way, and with a flash of steel, she cut their uber scarves away.
[00:11:41]  I see all, big and small, I see everything you do, and I'm going to make sure everyone sees too.
[00:11:48]  With this pair of scissors fair, I'll make everyone aware.
[00:11:52]  Gypsy Queen, your termination's over, due.
[00:12:04]  The soldiers chased the rats who scattered, jumbled, and afraid.
[00:12:07]  And every uber scarf that Ilse saw fell to her blade.
[00:12:11]  She found the road to town and took it, cutting left and right.
[00:12:15]  A hundred uber scarves were sliced.
[00:12:17]  A hundred saw the light.
[00:12:27]  Throw your uber scarves away.
[00:12:32]  See what they have done.
[00:12:38]  Witness now this expose.
[00:12:43]  See the smoking gone.
[00:12:49]  Your pantry's all are empty and your valuables are gone.
[00:12:57]  Drive these rats away because the uber scarfs are con.
[00:13:04]  And every person rubbed his eyes and saw the horrid rats.
[00:13:08]  They chased the rats away from town with sticks and brooms and bats.
[00:13:12]  They saw their empty cupboards and their tempers were unbound.
[00:13:15]  They followed Ilse shredding every uber scarf around.
[00:13:20]  Ilse made it home and found her Opa underweather.
[00:13:23]  Oh, Ilsa, I'm so frozen, for I cannot find my sweater.
[00:13:27]  I'm nearly starved as well because I couldn't find the bacon.
[00:13:31]  My uber scarf is all I have that hasn't me forsaken.
[00:13:36]  Ilse gently raised her scissors, snipped that scarf away.
[00:13:40]  Opa blinked and looked around, and all was a-okay.
[00:13:49]  Opa, you had a scarf tied o'er your eyes.
[00:13:55]  Opa, it never worked, you realize.
[00:14:01]  When someone promises you magic and they want your cash, and all they give you is a trinket, it's just bouldered.
[00:14:13]  Whether junk or juice or jewelry or a hologram, there's always someone selling something that is just a sham.
[00:14:26]  Opa, you only lost a little bit.
[00:14:33]  But Opa, you never will lose me.

=== The Scissor Maker's Diligent Craft (01:37) ===

[00:14:55]  Now once again, the village scissor maker works his craft.
[00:14:58]  His diligent assistant grinds a blade on every shaft.
[00:15:02]  But Ilse and her Opa make up quite the crafty pair.
[00:15:06]  Just try to rip them off.
[00:15:08]  Come on, try it.
[00:15:10]  I dare.
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