Real Coffe - Scott Adams - Episode 1230 Scott Adams: Santa's Chief of Staff Updates You on the Toy Factory Lockdown. OK for Kids
Aired: 2020-12-25
Duration: 10:50


=== Elf Productivity Dwindles (04:35) ===

[00:00:00]  Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum Hey everybody come on in here This is an important update.
[00:00:10]  Important update. As you know, we're in the middle of a pandemic.
[00:00:16]  And here's an update from Santa's workshop where there had been threats of a lockdown for quarantine purposes.
[00:00:25]  I'm going to give you an update.
[00:00:27]  I've just heard in from the North Pole.
[00:00:32]  So this is fresh from the North Pole, and if you're wondering what role I have in all this, I do a little seasonal work.
[00:00:41]  And specifically, I work for Santa just during the high season, and I work as his chief of staff.
[00:00:50]  Santa normally would be making this announcement himself, but I'm here to tell you, unfortunately, Santa has been diagnosed with the coronavirus.
[00:01:02]  That's right. Santa does have the coronavirus.
[00:01:04]  He's quarantined. We think he'll be fine.
[00:01:08]  He's getting the best care.
[00:01:10]  All the best therapeutics.
[00:01:13]  But we are worried about him because Santa does have some comorbidities.
[00:01:19]  Santa is, first of all, thousands of years old.
[00:01:22]  And we know that age can be a factor in your outcomes with coronavirus.
[00:01:27]  Santa also has high blood pressure, diabetes.
[00:01:30]  He's mortally obese, and obviously he's black.
[00:01:35]  All of those have an extra risk factor, but we feel that Santa will be fine.
[00:01:40]  Unfortunately, Santa will not be able to deliver gifts this year.
[00:01:46]  Don't worry. Don't worry.
[00:01:48]  I'm getting ahead of myself.
[00:01:50]  We do have a substitute, so the toys, such as they are, they will be delivered.
[00:01:58]  I'll tell you about that in a moment.
[00:02:01]  But it's worse than Santa having coronavirus.
[00:02:05]  You know, coronavirus is very transmissible, and one thing you might not know is that elves are very bad at social distancing.
[00:02:17]  Have you ever been around an elf?
[00:02:20]  They will not socially distance.
[00:02:22]  You can get them to wear the little masks, fine.
[00:02:26]  But you get near them, and I tell you, they're all hands.
[00:02:32]  The toy factory, when I walk through the toy factory, I mean, right now I'm working remotely because of the coronavirus, but when I visit the toy factory and I walk through, I'll feel something rubbing on my leg, It's an elf.
[00:02:46]  They cannot socially distance.
[00:02:49]  It's like they're great at doing their job.
[00:02:52]  You tell them to make a toy?
[00:02:55]  Wow! An elf can knock out a toy like you can't even believe.
[00:03:00]  But socially distance?
[00:03:01]  It's like they can't even do it. So most of the elves also got the coronavirus.
[00:03:08]  And They also are socially distancing.
[00:03:11]  We think they'll be fine. Santa will be fine.
[00:03:14]  Don't worry about him. He has the best care.
[00:03:16]  And the elves, we think the elves will also be fine.
[00:03:20]  Everybody will be fine. But they can't do their jobs right now, and timing's kind of critical.
[00:03:26]  But here's the good news.
[00:03:28]  Here's the good news. Your parents aren't going to brag about this, but this really happened, kids.
[00:03:35]  Your parents, all of them, Volunteered to help make toys because the elves couldn't because of the coronavirus.
[00:03:46]  So that's the good news.
[00:03:48]  The bad news...
[00:03:50]  Have you ever seen your parents try to do stuff?
[00:03:57]  Not so good.
[00:03:59]  Have you seen your father try to assemble furniture?
[00:04:04]  Even when he has the directions...
[00:04:07]  You see where I'm going with this, kids?
[00:04:09]  How about your mom's cooking?
[00:04:12]  Is it great every time?
[00:04:15]  Maybe not. Well, your toys this year, they're going to be a lot like that furniture your dad can't assemble and the food that your mom makes that you wish maybe she wouldn't.
[00:04:28]  So, not all of your toys will be perfect this year.
[00:04:32]  A little bit imperfect.

=== Toys Not Perfect This Year (06:15) ===

[00:04:35]  And it's only relative to the elves, because as I said, the elves have been doing this for how many thousands of years, right?
[00:04:43]  The elves can knock out a toy from beginning, design to end, bam!
[00:04:49]  I once saw an elf, this is true, I once saw an elf make an entire video game, programmed it from scratch, five minutes.
[00:05:02]  It's true. Now, How about your parents, kids?
[00:05:07]  Do you think they could make an entire video game in five minutes?
[00:05:11]  I don't think so. They are not elf standard, if I can put it that way.
[00:05:16]  So you might want to lower your expectations about the toy quality, but we've got delivery covered.
[00:05:28]  You've heard the story of Rudolph?
[00:05:30]  He's a red-nosed reindeer.
[00:05:33]  He's a lot like the other reindeer, but if you haven't heard the story, he's got this red nose, and it glows.
[00:05:41]  And because of the glow, at one point he was sort of ostracized, which is meaning that the other reindeer were kind of mean to him.
[00:05:50]  But They realized, wait a minute, what if it's foggy out or we need a little extra light?
[00:05:57]  Wouldn't that, yeah, you see where I'm going with this?
[00:06:00]  The light from the nose would be like a headlight, and so Rudolph became sort of a star among the reindeer.
[00:06:09]  So kids, if you haven't heard this, this is all true.
[00:06:13]  And when Santa needs a replacement, let's say Santa is sick, like now.
[00:06:19]  We don't know if he's sick, but he's got the coronavirus.
[00:06:23]  The natural person who steps in is obviously, who would it be?
[00:06:29]  Is it going to be Donder and Vixen?
[00:06:32]  No. No leadership.
[00:06:35]  Donder, Vixen, nothing.
[00:06:37]  They're pretty much just workers.
[00:06:39]  But Rudolph stepped up.
[00:06:42]  And Rudolph will be in charge of the delivery this year.
[00:06:46]  So kids, don't worry.
[00:06:47]  All the gifts will be delivered.
[00:06:49]  There is a little bit of drama among the reindeer.
[00:06:56]  And I'm not going to lie.
[00:06:59]  It could be a problem.
[00:07:01]  And it comes down to this.
[00:07:05]  Because Rudolph is sitting in for Santa, he wanted to actually sit in the sleigh.
[00:07:12]  Right? And imagine how that went over with the other reindeer.
[00:07:16]  And the other reindeer are like, wait, Rudolph, just because you're sitting in for Santa, I don't think that means you sit in the sleigh and we have to drag your...
[00:07:30]  You're lard all over the world.
[00:07:33]  Why don't you maybe pitch in?
[00:07:36]  You could use that old red nose right up front.
[00:07:39]  Could come in handy. You could maybe just join the rest of us and be like a regular reindeer, but also in charge.
[00:07:47]  You know, you would still be in charge, but you would just be like helping pull the sleigh instead of sitting in the back.
[00:07:56]  And Rudolph...
[00:07:59]  Starting to get ahead about things?
[00:08:01]  Like, you give a reindeer a little bit of attention, you give them a little bit of attention, it goes right to their antlers.
[00:08:11]  And the next thing you know, Rudolph's just, he's got his little arms closed, little hooves, and Rudolph's back there and he's like, I don't think you heard Santa.
[00:08:23]  Santa put me in charge.
[00:08:25]  In charge. Meaning I'm the boss of Of all of you reindeer?
[00:08:31]  So let me explain to you ordinary reindeer with your dull little noses that have no value whatsoever.
[00:08:39]  Nothing. Let me explain to you what it means to be in charge.
[00:08:45]  Being in charge means I tell you what to do and then you do it.
[00:08:50]  Being in charge is not you reindeer telling me, or Rudolph, what to do.
[00:08:57]  That's not how it works.
[00:08:58]  No, I've been, I put in the work.
[00:09:02]  A little extra work if I, I don't want to brag, but I did a little extra work.
[00:09:08]  Because, you know, this whole lighting the way with my nose, that doesn't happen on its own.
[00:09:14]  That takes a little extra work.
[00:09:15]  And now I got selected as the leader, the replacement for Santa for just this one season.
[00:09:23]  And I don't mind sitting in the back where the leader belongs.
[00:09:28]  So at the moment, they're in some kind of talks about this.
[00:09:39]  How dare you suggest that I'm drunk?
[00:09:42]  I actually don't drink. Santa's chief of staff does not drink.
[00:09:47]  I'm sorry. So, here's the bottom line, kids.
[00:09:52]  Santa got the coronavirus, but don't worry, because Rudolph will be doing the delivery.
[00:09:56]  The elves, they got wiped out with the coronavirus.
[00:09:59]  They'll be okay, but they have to be quarantined.
[00:10:02]  Your parents will be doing the toy making, but not very well, because you've seen the work your parents do, if you know what I mean.
[00:10:11]  So that's your update for today.
[00:10:14]  I hope that all of you have a great Christmas.
[00:10:16]  I would say there's a strong 50% chance that the gifts will be here on time.
[00:10:22]  And let's all hope that Rudolph pulls it out.
[00:10:27]  Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph.
[00:10:30]  Come on, kids, join me.
[00:10:31]  Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph.
[00:10:34]  I feel like maybe I'm the only one doing this.
[00:10:37]  Kids? Kids?
[00:10:39]  Come on. Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph.
[00:10:43]  Okay, I still feel like I'm the only one doing it.
[00:10:45]  I don't know. Alright, well, that's all for this night.