Dec. 25, 2020 - Real Coffe - Scott Adams
10:50
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| Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum Hey everybody come on in here This is an important update. | |
| Important update. As you know, we're in the middle of a pandemic. | |
| And here's an update from Santa's workshop where there had been threats of a lockdown for quarantine purposes. | |
| I'm going to give you an update. | |
| I've just heard in from the North Pole. | |
| So this is fresh from the North Pole, and if you're wondering what role I have in all this, I do a little seasonal work. | |
| And specifically, I work for Santa just during the high season, and I work as his chief of staff. | |
| Santa normally would be making this announcement himself, but I'm here to tell you, unfortunately, Santa has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. | |
| That's right. Santa does have the coronavirus. | |
| He's quarantined. We think he'll be fine. | |
| He's getting the best care. | |
| All the best therapeutics. | |
| But we are worried about him because Santa does have some comorbidities. | |
| Santa is, first of all, thousands of years old. | |
| And we know that age can be a factor in your outcomes with coronavirus. | |
| Santa also has high blood pressure, diabetes. | |
| He's mortally obese, and obviously he's black. | |
| All of those have an extra risk factor, but we feel that Santa will be fine. | |
| Unfortunately, Santa will not be able to deliver gifts this year. | |
| Don't worry. Don't worry. | |
| I'm getting ahead of myself. | |
| We do have a substitute, so the toys, such as they are, they will be delivered. | |
| I'll tell you about that in a moment. | |
| But it's worse than Santa having coronavirus. | |
| You know, coronavirus is very transmissible, and one thing you might not know is that elves are very bad at social distancing. | |
| Have you ever been around an elf? | |
| They will not socially distance. | |
| You can get them to wear the little masks, fine. | |
| But you get near them, and I tell you, they're all hands. | |
| The toy factory, when I walk through the toy factory, I mean, right now I'm working remotely because of the coronavirus, but when I visit the toy factory and I walk through, I'll feel something rubbing on my leg, It's an elf. | |
| They cannot socially distance. | |
| It's like they're great at doing their job. | |
| You tell them to make a toy? | |
| Wow! An elf can knock out a toy like you can't even believe. | |
| But socially distance? | |
| It's like they can't even do it. So most of the elves also got the coronavirus. | |
| And They also are socially distancing. | |
| We think they'll be fine. Santa will be fine. | |
| Don't worry about him. He has the best care. | |
| And the elves, we think the elves will also be fine. | |
| Everybody will be fine. But they can't do their jobs right now, and timing's kind of critical. | |
| But here's the good news. | |
| Here's the good news. Your parents aren't going to brag about this, but this really happened, kids. | |
| Your parents, all of them, Volunteered to help make toys because the elves couldn't because of the coronavirus. | |
| So that's the good news. | |
| The bad news... | |
| Have you ever seen your parents try to do stuff? | |
| Not so good. | |
| Have you seen your father try to assemble furniture? | |
| Even when he has the directions... | |
| You see where I'm going with this, kids? | |
| How about your mom's cooking? | |
| Is it great every time? | |
| Maybe not. Well, your toys this year, they're going to be a lot like that furniture your dad can't assemble and the food that your mom makes that you wish maybe she wouldn't. | |
| So, not all of your toys will be perfect this year. | |
| A little bit imperfect. | |
| And it's only relative to the elves, because as I said, the elves have been doing this for how many thousands of years, right? | |
| The elves can knock out a toy from beginning, design to end, bam! | |
| I once saw an elf, this is true, I once saw an elf make an entire video game, programmed it from scratch, five minutes. | |
| It's true. Now, How about your parents, kids? | |
| Do you think they could make an entire video game in five minutes? | |
| I don't think so. They are not elf standard, if I can put it that way. | |
| So you might want to lower your expectations about the toy quality, but we've got delivery covered. | |
| You've heard the story of Rudolph? | |
| He's a red-nosed reindeer. | |
| He's a lot like the other reindeer, but if you haven't heard the story, he's got this red nose, and it glows. | |
| And because of the glow, at one point he was sort of ostracized, which is meaning that the other reindeer were kind of mean to him. | |
| But They realized, wait a minute, what if it's foggy out or we need a little extra light? | |
| Wouldn't that, yeah, you see where I'm going with this? | |
| The light from the nose would be like a headlight, and so Rudolph became sort of a star among the reindeer. | |
| So kids, if you haven't heard this, this is all true. | |
| And when Santa needs a replacement, let's say Santa is sick, like now. | |
| We don't know if he's sick, but he's got the coronavirus. | |
| The natural person who steps in is obviously, who would it be? | |
| Is it going to be Donder and Vixen? | |
| No. No leadership. | |
| Donder, Vixen, nothing. | |
| They're pretty much just workers. | |
| But Rudolph stepped up. | |
| And Rudolph will be in charge of the delivery this year. | |
| So kids, don't worry. | |
| All the gifts will be delivered. | |
| There is a little bit of drama among the reindeer. | |
| And I'm not going to lie. | |
| It could be a problem. | |
| And it comes down to this. | |
| Because Rudolph is sitting in for Santa, he wanted to actually sit in the sleigh. | |
| Right? And imagine how that went over with the other reindeer. | |
| And the other reindeer are like, wait, Rudolph, just because you're sitting in for Santa, I don't think that means you sit in the sleigh and we have to drag your... | |
| You're lard all over the world. | |
| Why don't you maybe pitch in? | |
| You could use that old red nose right up front. | |
| Could come in handy. You could maybe just join the rest of us and be like a regular reindeer, but also in charge. | |
| You know, you would still be in charge, but you would just be like helping pull the sleigh instead of sitting in the back. | |
| And Rudolph... | |
| Starting to get ahead about things? | |
| Like, you give a reindeer a little bit of attention, you give them a little bit of attention, it goes right to their antlers. | |
| And the next thing you know, Rudolph's just, he's got his little arms closed, little hooves, and Rudolph's back there and he's like, I don't think you heard Santa. | |
| Santa put me in charge. | |
| In charge. Meaning I'm the boss of Of all of you reindeer? | |
| So let me explain to you ordinary reindeer with your dull little noses that have no value whatsoever. | |
| Nothing. Let me explain to you what it means to be in charge. | |
| Being in charge means I tell you what to do and then you do it. | |
| Being in charge is not you reindeer telling me, or Rudolph, what to do. | |
| That's not how it works. | |
| No, I've been, I put in the work. | |
| A little extra work if I, I don't want to brag, but I did a little extra work. | |
| Because, you know, this whole lighting the way with my nose, that doesn't happen on its own. | |
| That takes a little extra work. | |
| And now I got selected as the leader, the replacement for Santa for just this one season. | |
| And I don't mind sitting in the back where the leader belongs. | |
| So at the moment, they're in some kind of talks about this. | |
| How dare you suggest that I'm drunk? | |
| I actually don't drink. Santa's chief of staff does not drink. | |
| I'm sorry. So, here's the bottom line, kids. | |
| Santa got the coronavirus, but don't worry, because Rudolph will be doing the delivery. | |
| The elves, they got wiped out with the coronavirus. | |
| They'll be okay, but they have to be quarantined. | |
| Your parents will be doing the toy making, but not very well, because you've seen the work your parents do, if you know what I mean. | |
| So that's your update for today. | |
| I hope that all of you have a great Christmas. | |
| I would say there's a strong 50% chance that the gifts will be here on time. | |
| And let's all hope that Rudolph pulls it out. | |
| Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph. | |
| Come on, kids, join me. | |
| Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph. | |
| I feel like maybe I'm the only one doing this. | |
| Kids? Kids? | |
| Come on. Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph. | |
| Okay, I still feel like I'm the only one doing it. | |
| I don't know. Alright, well, that's all for this night. |
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