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Nov. 2, 2024 - The Roseanne Barr Podcast

02:23:29

We were Rock Stars with Allan Stephan | The Roseanne Barr Podcast #72

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	Mom, how are you feeling, by the way, in L.A.? Well, I'm getting better.
	My voice is getting better, too.
	Let's get right into it.
	So, this election season is driving us all absolutely batshit crazy.
	This is our last episode before the election.
	And we were going to do a big old election thing, but we decided we just needed a break.
	And this is an episode we filmed a few months ago with your dear friend Alan Steven, your friend of 44 years or something like that.
	He was a producer on Roseanne.
	Stand Up with Sam Kinison.
	Great old Hollywood stories.
	And we invited him.
	We filmed this a long, long time ago.
	And we've been holding on to it because the world got so crazy we never got to do it.
	So we decided to give America and our followers just a break from the madness.
	It's going to get crazy in November, December, and January.
	So just sit back and listen.
	There's some intel about The Roseanne Show.
	There's a John Goodman cocaine story in here.
	That I think your fans are going to love.
	The second hour of the show is phenomenal.
	Like I said, I've already edited it.
	That's where you get the Roseanne insights and stories.
	You guys get a little bit more into what happened backstage with the politics.
	For Roseanne fans, this is going to be a really good one for you.
	I hope you enjoy it.
	Well, I just want to say Alan is my oldest friend, and he's my writing partner, and we just finished writing a whole new thing for me, and everybody's liking it, so maybe I'll, maybe I will be coming back to TV. I don't know.
	We'll see how I feel, but everybody likes the show.
	So anyway, here's the new beginnings.
	This is You know, new beginnings.
	And don't let anybody stop you from getting out there and voting for Trump.
	That's right.
	Bring 10 of your friends.
	Vote early.
	This has got to be too big to rig.
	We're seeing good positive signs, but never let up.
	We don't know what they're going to do, but we know that they're going to try everything they can because they don't want the Constitution of the Republic of the United States of America.
	And that's what we're fighting for.
	I'm sorry.
	That's absolutely right.
	So the next time you see us, we will have an update on the election, as will the whole world.
	But for now, just sit back, enjoy, and listen to a couple old Hollywood people.
	Old as in old friends, not old people in Hollywood.
	Well, we're old too.
	That too.
	But before we go, Ma, since the election is coming, this is your last chance to place any bets on Kalshi.
	We did this last week.
	Everyone's doing it.
	You can bet on who's going to win the election.
	You could bet on the House, the Senate, all sorts of stuff.
	You can actually make money off this election.
	And Kalshi is a pretty cool company because they're the only place you can actually legally do it in all 50 states.
	And that means that's the only place you can legally bet on this kind of stuff.
	So, tell the people a little bit more.
	I call it Trump for all 50 states.
	Trump for all 50.
	How much money are you going to put on that?
	10K. All right.
	There it is.
	We'll follow up on that too.
	But tell the people a little bit more because they might want to get involved too.
	Okay, I'm excited to show you guys an app called CallShe.
	It's the first legal exchange where you can trade or bet on any event.
	CallShe just got approval to list markets to trade on the outcome of the election, making it the first legal place to trade on the election in 100 years.
	Kalshi has markets on who will win the presidential election, who will control the House and Senate, who will win swing states and more.
	Right now, Trump and Kamala are trading about 50-50, meaning if you place a bet on either, you will double your money if they end up winning.
	Kalshi has already facilitated over $1 billion in trade.
	The election markets are now live to trade.
	You can sign up using my link, callshe.com slash bar, and the first 500 traders who deposit $50 will get a free $20 credit.
	Well, that's pretty exciting.
	All right, well, let's play some bets, people, and let's see what happens, and go Trump.
	Hopefully we pull this one off.
	Hopefully it's too big to rig, and enjoy the episode.
	You might want to do it.
	Hopefully God wins.
	Hopefully God wins.
	Greetings, earthlings and human beings and any animals who are intelligent, of course, and attracted to the sound of my melodious voice.
	People are sending me videos of their animals sleeping soundly because they finally heard an intelligent human.
	So keep sending those to me.
	I put them up on my Instagram.
	Welcome to the Roseanne Barr Podcast.
	Well, today's show is going to be a b-b-b-b-b-b-b-banger.
	A real banger.
	I have my oldest friend in the whole world on as my guest.
	He's a fellow comic.
	We met in 1982 in Denver.
	Alan Steven.
	Hi, Alan.
	Hello.
	Thanks for being here.
	Hey, thank you.
	So let's go back to that fateful night.
	As I informed you, Alan, of course, this whole interview is just about me.
	That night in 82?
	Yeah, or tell about...
	Because you changed my life.
	You're kidding.
	Why would I be kidding?
	I just thought you were funny.
	Well, I mean, I couldn't get on.
	They wouldn't put me on.
	Well, here's what happened in those days.
	No woman was funny.
	I think we had two in L.A., maybe.
	Boosler...
	Sandra hadn't even shown up yet, Bernard.
	And every now and then there was twins that used to sing Sisters.
	Sister, terrible act.
	And that was it.
	So audiences, especially the men, weren't used to seeing a woman tell jokes.
	You know, they had Phyllis Diller.
	That's all they had to go by.
	Yeah.
	And that's it.
	And they're mostly followed by women.
	So I would go in early and it was a Monday night.
	You know, I could drink for free.
	So I went there and I'm sitting.
	And I remember you had like a muumuu thing on and you walked out.
	But the walk to the mic had attitude.
	And it was all the jokes, you know, the husband and the cheese things in the couch.
	And I thought it was funny.
	And then at the end, you just looked him right in the face.
	Well, some people say I'm not feminine.
	Well, they can suck my dick.
	And you walked off stage, and I went over to the guy, and I go, hey, can she work here with me this week?
	Because you were in town headlining.
	Yeah.
	You were one of the gods of comedy to us young comics in Denver.
	You had a full hour.
	We all had ten minutes.
	Well, I had ten.
	I would stretch to a full hour.
	You know, I like to talk to them.
	Nobody was doing it then.
	You know, they hold classes for it now.
	When I did it, the TV people would go, what is it you do?
	Back to me.
	Yes.
	Well, you did come work.
	And then I think we did a few gigs on the road.
	Well, then you tell them, you've got to put that girl on.
	She's funny.
	I not only told him that, but when he said no, I go, all right, well, I've got to go home.
	He said, what?
	I said, I'm going home.
	And in those days, you know, they couldn't just pick up the phone.
	Well, okay, you know.
	Is that true?
	I never heard this.
	And reluctantly would never give it to me, you know what I mean, that I found you funny.
	But thank God they don't mean anything.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, as time passes, right?
	And also, I think sometimes when you get people like that, it just makes you better.
	It kind of does, because you have to rise to the challenge and show them, right?
	Isn't that a big part of comedy?
	That's exactly what it is.
	Is it 40 years that you've been doing stand-up?
	Over.
	How long?
	43.
	Good Lord.
	Did you think you'd live this long?
	Well, I never thought I'd be funny.
	And I had a real crisis at 30.
	I had no plan after that.
	And that's when the clubs opened and I started to make money.
	And I wonder what the next step is.
	I didn't want to do Carson, which turned your life around.
	Because I remember you took me on the road for Gregory Hines, which is a lot of fun, and Atlantic City, and then Julio Iglesias.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, and that was like right after the Tonight Show.
	I mean, that's the impact you made.
	And in those days, if you made that impact, the phone never stopped ringing the next day.
	And if Carson liked you, which he did, it's double that.
	All right, Mom.
	Well, like we said, the world is on edge now.
	This election season's coming.
	And we call it election season now because it lasts three months and there's multiple riots.
	Well, it lasts four years.
	As soon as we have fun, we start fighting for the next one.
	That's true.
	We're the only country where that happens.
	No, it's a full industry in itself, if you really think about it.
	It's going to be so much upheaval, no matter who wins.
	It's going to be dangerous.
	You've been ill, and you got your meds from TWC, and this is the time where you really have to prepare, because we don't know what's going to happen in the next month or two.
	There could be supply chain shortages.
	China can shut down the electric grid.
	This is the time to really, really stock up on all your essentials.
	It's time to be prepared.
	That's the key.
	That's the key right there.
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	How come you didn't want to do Carson?
	I always wanted to be just a lounge act in Vegas.
	You know, I saw Rickles before he was famous.
	And those lounge acts, it was Louis Prima.
	I mean, great acts.
	Yeah, they were great acts.
	And I thought, what a great gig.
	Five nights a week, you sit here, go on three times and go home.
	Nobody knows you across the border.
	I loved it.
	And that's all I dreamed of doing.
	I don't think comedy translates in five minutes on a talk show.
	I just don't.
	I know some people, it's their sixth minute where they're really funny.
	Right.
	And they make you...
	They always have a guy that tells you what you have to say.
	Right, that's true.
	And they're not funny either.
	No, never.
	You know what I mean?
	And they're scared because they don't want to upset whoever the host is.
	You know, we know what he likes.
	And they get the most milquetoast nonsense.
	So when somebody would come out with any kind of balls and funny, boom!
	Like, I just watched Eddie Murphy's first appearance.
	Not that funny, but he's killing.
	You know, it was the Times, and he had Saturday Night Live, and he was charming.
	Well, he saved Saturday Night Live.
	Without a doubt.
	He was about ready to go down the drain, right?
	Every one of his characters, James Brown...
	That was the one.
	That was so great.
	So great.
	Buckwheat.
	He had a lot of good characters.
	Mr.
	Roger, what was it?
	Robinson's.
	Mr.
	Robinson's neighborhood.
	That was the best.
	Wasn't that great?
	That was the best.
	That's when the show was funny.
	I mean, they have somebody that'll stand out every year or every other year, but for the most part, I would like to know what Lauren Michaels has on NBC. He must have some pictures hidden away somewhere.
	Right?
	They just think, do it again and we'll see in 50, 51 years.
	Well, it's at 1130 at 9 on Saturday.
	What kind of rating does he even have to worry about?
	Well, originally, all you had to do was beat the movie they put on at 1130 back then.
	And on a bad day, he does that.
	Right.
	So it's kind of...
	That's what it is.
	And I think he has a lot of power now.
	It's like the Carson show brought in a lot of money.
	I think Saturday Night Live does for them.
	Well, he made a lot of money in the movies.
	I don't know if he ever made money.
	Yeah, he did.
	That's where his power is.
	And then NBC went into promoting movies.
	That's why they put Friends on Thursday, because Thursday was the night where they did all the movie, what do you call it, ads.
	Yep.
	Yep.
	Isn't it just one great big hustle, all of show business?
	Hmm.
	Yes, and I miss like the old agents and managers that knew that and handled it that way.
	And, you know, now when I used to pitch something, they say, okay, write it up.
	They'd pay you.
	Make this change.
	They'd pay you.
	Now it's all free.
	They want everything, the arc, the characters, the script.
	Yeah.
	And I always complain.
	I go, I'm not doing all that.
	They have the script.
	You either like it or you don't.
	Aren't they just a bunch of fucking thieves, Alan?
	They can't get an idea between them.
	There are a bunch of people that are afraid to make a decision without somebody else saying yes.
	You ever notice when you go in, there's always an assistant?
	And when you leave, they have an opinion.
	Yeah, they're probably the one with the real power to greenlight.
	But the old cigar chompers, I'll fuck you up.
	You're going to book them.
	You know what I mean?
	I miss those guys.
	I caught the tail end of that with APA. Oh God, I remember APA. Well, when was the first time you went on stage as a comic?
	How old were you?
	The very first time?
	20.
	20.
	Yeah, 20.
	And I was working...
	No, I was 21.
	I was dating a girl that worked in a steak and brew, and it was two steak rooms and a lounge.
	And she was in the lounge.
	And I'd go in there, have a couple cocktails, and the band was a guy who played keyboards, and his sister was the drummer.
	And I'd sit in on the drums, and one night I took the mic, and it's boys from South Philly would come over, the white shoes and the white belt.
	And I'd stay in there and go, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Like what my act eventually became.
	And the owner said, hey, it's your room, Fridays and Saturdays.
	I'll pay you.
	Do whatever you want.
	Wow.
	And I'd go on stage and heckle the hell out of these guys.
	It was so much fun.
	And here's the mistake.
	They're having New Year's, the band Wild Cherry, I think it was playing another funky song, White Boy.
	Why don't you open for them, Alan?
	Well, now I panic and I take two jokes from Woody, two jokes from somebody else.
	I have a sandwich in my pocket to eat, a banana to peel.
	I'm so lost.
	And it's about 200 people, and the table closest to me is my mother, my father, and their friends.
	It is completely silent.
	I am there with a guy I knew since second grade, and all you hear is my dad's laughter.
	Oh, that's painful.
	The show ends, and I'm in the parking lot, and my friend Jay says something, and I puke everywhere.
	And I get home, and I say to my father, what is wrong with you?
	Why would you do that to me?
	He goes, Alan, you don't know how funny it is when somebody doesn't know how shitty they are.
	I love that guy.
	He goes, you didn't feel their anger?
	And I swore I'd never do it again.
	And everybody in my family is a joke teller.
	I can't even remember jokes.
	So I go to California and meet Mitchell and a guy named Robert Lord, who I think lost his mind.
	And I had all this crazy energy.
	Like, they'd go to a market and open the freezer, and I'd be sitting there and hand them the peas.
	And they just kept laughing.
	They said, you ought to come to the store.
	Well, they needed bodies back then.
	So I went on, and I did the Midnight Special News, where I was Wolfman Jack and Tina Turner with a wig.
	I can't believe how bad it was.
	And somebody says, yeah, you're a regular.
	I go, regular what?
	And you didn't get paid then, but it became your life.
	We were there seven nights a week, and we were inseparable, which was Ollie, Mike Binder, the original Argus, and a couple other guys.
	But we were always together, 24-7.
	Then Robin came, it was the same.
	I had the key.
	To the big comedy store.
	One time, it's got to be 81 or 80 because I have this black Jeep.
	When you say Robin, you're saying Robin Williams?
	For people who don't know.
	Oh yeah, Robin Williams.
	The mork.
	He hadn't morked yet.
	Yeah, gotcha.
	Morked.
	So we went to the comedy store to get more beer.
	Like 2.30 in the morning, I had the key and we're loading it into the Jeep and the hood's on.
	And there's too many people in my Jeep and cases of beer.
	And I don't get too...
	Two feet off the curb and the police lights go on.
	And he comes over and he goes, you know, you're parked in the red.
	How many people you got in that car?
	Nanu, Nanu.
	Is Robin in there?
	Yes, sir, he is.
	You think I can get an autograph?
	I go, am I getting a ticket?
	Oh, hell no.
	And he gets a paper, Robin signs it, and he goes like this.
	I'll be off for 20 minutes.
	And he escorted us to Benedict County where I live.
	Wow.
	And we're shit-faced.
	When comedy hit in those days, everybody wanted to touch you.
	I just can't explain it.
	It was like magic, wasn't it?
	It was the rock and roll.
	It really was.
	We were rock stars.
	You'd come off stage and they'd just want to touch you or they'd put a joint in your pocket, drugs in another.
	It was...
	And packed seven nights a week.
	This is at the store?
	Well, all clubs were once it caught on.
	Yeah.
	Like, when I saw your mom, they had become a comedy club.
	Right.
	Before that, they were a jazz club across the street, basins up.
	Oh, really?
	And I was the second comic in, and I finished the show.
	I have one joke left that I don't want to do that's a terrible Wizard of Oz thing.
	And I'm in the dressing room, and they go, they're going to love you next show.
	They go, how many tickets did we sell?
	He goes, what do you mean?
	I go, for the next show.
	Tickets?
	We don't turn the room over, because it was so new.
	So I have to go do another 45 with one joke.
	And this is why, not Nichols, the other owner, hated me.
	I did an hour.
	And when I came off, he goes, you're just making it up.
	They seem to enjoy it.
	Do you like crowd work the best of all?
	I get bored.
	And how I write is if I like it, I keep it.
	And I don't keep files.
	So sometimes I go, oh.
	I saw a guy, a new guy, do a thing about, you know, when you go to San Diego, and the sign is instead of animals, it's Mexicans.
	You know, watch them crossing the highway.
	Oh.
	Well, I had a whole routine when I used to work La Jolla.
	And recently I saw a guy and I was pretty close to it.
	And I went, all right, well, he saw the sign too.
	But in those days, when I went to La Jolla, I had to middle and take care of Pauly Shore.
	That was the exchange.
	You had to babysit Pauly?
	He lived with me.
	I lived in her condo with him.
	How old was he when...
	12.
	Oh, God.
	Mitzi Shorce and Polly.
	Yeah, they knew Polly Shorce.
	Was he like that at 12?
	It was not quite there yet, but a year later, I remember we were having dinner and he got up and said to his mom, I got a harsh out of here.
	I got a doughnut.
	And she just stared at him.
	I go, he's in a rush.
	He's meeting a girl.
	He goes, how do you know?
	I go, I've lived with him.
	And he would surf and there was sand everywhere.
	And I'm going to bring people home.
	So I took all the sandy clothes and put it in his bed.
	He got in there at night and he was screaming.
	He comes out cursing at me.
	I go, you have mistaken me for a butler.
	I said, this place, I don't care what your room looks like, but this place is good.
	You know, he's never had discipline.
	You lived with Mitzi and him, just the three of you?
	No, Mitzi sent me down to San Diego.
	She made him take Polly.
	Permanently.
	See, get into this story a little bit more.
	Yeah, nobody's played San Diego longer than I have.
	The deal was, you go down there in the middle.
	And I really didn't know what I was about quite yet, but you're taking Pauly.
	As soon as we get down there, I'm in a Jeep with no cover, and I go in, and Pauly goes to the beach and comes back and goes, hey, where's my luggage?
	Well, if you're lucky, it's still in the Jeep.
	Then he had Ryan O'Neill's son over Griffin.
	You know, another spoiled kid.
	Griffin has two dogs on the couch.
	I go, let's keep the dogs on the carpet.
	Fuck you.
	I go, what did you say to me, kid?
	He goes, fuck you.
	I go, I'll knock you the fuck out.
	He goes, my dad will kick your ass.
	I go, Ryan O'Neal?
	He goes, yeah.
	I go, he's three hours from here.
	Get the fucking dogs on the floor.
	And from that point, Griffin, he wouldn't leave me alone.
	No discipline, these kids.
	And when they got it, they loved you.
	Now, Paulie decides to be funny, and I'm talking to two girls at two in the morning on a Saturday night, going fairly well, and he comes down the aisle rubbing and says, Dad, when can we go home?
	Those two girls went, you're a horrible person.
	That's your kid, and they're gone.
	So the whole ride home, he's going, are you angry?
	I go, yeah.
	You'll know what you did years from now, but damn, you're funny.
	And he started to do little things to make me laugh, and I could see he was going to be funny.
	And, you know, George Miller called her up and goes, I don't want to follow Alan.
	Then the next headliner.
	And then I headlined down there for four months.
	And KGB, the number one station, I replaced their morning team when they went on vacation.
	They'd wait in line and bring me gifts.
	And nobody recognizes me ever.
	And they're in line to see me.
	So I'd go out the back door, stand three quarters in that line and keep Who is this fucking guy?
	And I'd go up to the ticket lady and go, fuck!
	You know, is this a line?
	Is it going to move?
	Until the people would start going, why don't you just get out of here?
	And I'd go back, and I would have to wait ten minutes for that laugh to die down.
	They'd have to sit through two acts.
	They'd introduce me, and I'd come up, and I'd go, wait a minute.
	That's a good bit.
	Well, so, okay, so, okay.
	Now, you come to the Comedy Store, not in 82.
	No, in 85.
	After you went out with Louie, because Louie fell in love with you, Louie Anderson.
	And he was the other big actor at the time in Denver.
	Yeah, in Denver.
	And he came to my rescue, too.
	Well, he was like me.
	I remember him going, did you see that?
	I go, yes, I did.
	And, you know, he knows funny.
	He really knew funny.
	And then I think, oh, gosh.
	You came out with the kids first, right?
	Yeah, I came out with the kids, and she made us go live at La Jolla in the condo.
	When did you live in an apartment?
	Well, I lived in the apartment when I first moved out there and brought my kids.
	Do you remember Jess wrote something on the guys?
	No, Jake's the one that wrote it on the gay guys.
	That was me.
	And I went like this, I'll take care of this.
	And I go over there and there's a screen and I'm talking.
	You rip that door.
	You ever!
	My kid again!
	And I'm standing there and I go, yeah!
	For people who don't know what happened, I had spray painted high in the parking garage.
	Yeah, harmless kid crying.
	And I went into the thing and this old man walked up to me and was like, stupid kid, and smacked me in the back of the head.
	Oh, that's what infuriated me.
	Well, I'm standing at the door trying to come out.
	Your mother went right at him.
	I pull open his screen door.
	I go, if you ever lay your hands on my kid again, I think I said I'll kill you.
	Absolutely.
	See, I never knew this happened.
	Oh, you didn't?
	No.
	No.
	I knew that I got hit in the head and I told you.
	Well, the funny for me is, you know, I'm going to be the man.
	I'm at the screen door.
	And let me turn it out of my way.
	It was so funny.
	I remember when I was a kid, the neighbor beat us up.
	Jimmy, remember?
	He beat up Jessica with a baton and swung me around.
	He grabbed my hoodie and swung me around.
	He was inbred.
	I remember, just real quick.
	One time I was talking to him.
	I was trying to be nice because I was so scared of him.
	You're trying to be friends with the bully.
	And he was just chewing on it.
	And I was like, do you have more gum?
	He's like, no, that's my mom's toenail.
	Fell off of the public pool.
	So that was Jimmy.
	That was him.
	So anyway, he beat me and Jessica up.
	And I remember mom went out and confronted them.
	We had like a family feud standoff.
	I do remember this.
	I was probably like five.
	It was me, Jenny, and Jess, and mom.
	And then his mom.
	And him and his sister, I think.
	And they called mom fat.
	Like, what are you going to do about fatty or something?
	And she goes, I'm going to sit on you and squash you like a potato chip.
	I said, I'm going to snap your spine in half like a fucking potato chip.
	That's what I'm going to do.
	And we left and they walked...
	Took their head down and went inside because she got the bigger laugh.
	It was a big life lesson, actually.
	It was cool.
	I just remember that.
	It was very funny.
	Yeah, Mom's butch.
	Right by me.
	I'm so butch when it comes to my kids or anything.
	Didn't we stay in a hotel when we traveled that had a goofy theme?
	Was it a chuck wagon hotel?
	Do you know the one I mean?
	I think it was in Colorado.
	It had a theme.
	It was an old place, but it was a western theme, maybe.
	I can't remember.
	Where were we going?
	We were in another place in Colorado.
	And that's where they put us up.
	And it just came to me.
	What did we do when we were there?
	We did a show somewhere.
	A couple shows somewhere.
	No, I don't remember.
	That must have been Aspen.
	Was it when we went up to Aspen?
	What a strange place.
	Or we also went to...
	You ever worked Vail?
	Yeah, Vail.
	We went there.
	The room...
	It was at the end of the runway.
	And it was all glass.
	And the plane would come right up to here.
	But you don't know that, so you're doing...
	And then, when it did move, there was this gorgeous mansion on the mountain.
	And I went, who's that belong to?
	I went, Webster.
	Like a one fucking book.
	Can I ask a question?
	Because...
	Just for your career is kind of fascinating to me.
	I know you did.
	Was it The Outlaws it was called, right?
	Well, actually, my mom was a model.
	Right.
	And at eight, she said, would you like to model?
	So I had that it look.
	Don't go by now.
	Yeah, I'm surprised to hear this.
	We did Sears catalogs and runways because I can still feel the pins.
	Because if it didn't fit you, they pinned it till it did.
	It would make no difference if you bled.
	Smile!
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	And then at around 10 or 11, my mother said, want to do TV commercials?
	Does it get me out of school?
	So she taught me to take the bus to New York, and I briefly had an old lady manager named Florence Creasy.
	How old are you?
	10, 11.
	And she'd meet me, you know, at the bus.
	Then at lunch, proceed to get shit-faced.
	And cross me against lights.
	And I'd go, could I have a Coke?
	No.
	You will have milk and a burger.
	Nothing else.
	I'll have a martini.
	I'll slam five of those.
	It's New York.
	Crossing with red lights.
	She didn't give a shit.
	And then I went with an agency, Anne Wright, that was pretty good.
	And from there, I went with the original Wilhelmina.
	But I did three commercials that never aired.
	Maybe one did.
	I did Aniston, and that was the first one.
	And you know who my mother is.
	She's a little out of her mind.
	I couldn't find her.
	She found a payphone that every time you put a dime in, 30 would come out.
	And she's working that payphone like a one-armed bandit.
	So I go, Mom, what do you think?
	I had her phone.
	But they had vibrating beds.
	And then it stopped, because they wanted me to be normal, and I went to school.
	Yeah.
	And then Walt Disney was doing a movie called The One and Only Original Family Band, and they wanted kids that could sing, dance, and play instruments, and I got somehow past his, and he was coming to, you know this story?
	Yeah, that's my favorite Alan story.
	He was coming to New York so I could meet him.
	Walt?
	Yes.
	Wow.
	So the vibrating bed, I'm all excited, and I'm sitting there with my mom, and Then my mom, somebody whispers to her, and she goes, Mr.
	Disney's delayed.
	You're going to meet this right-hand person.
	And to me, you know, you're a kid, the desk seemed like it was gigantic.
	And I went in and went right across her desk with drumsticks, saying what a day for a daydream, and did some tap, and she just started crying her ass off.
	Didn't dismiss me.
	Finally, she went, Holy shit.
	There's bed and then there's...
	And I went out and I go, Mom, I made her cry.
	She goes, Get in the elevator.
	Mr.
	Disney died.
	Oh, jeez.
	He had kept his cancer secret.
	Oh, my God.
	But that's how my mom delivers stuff.
	Get in the elevator.
	Disney died.
	Ha, ha, ha.
	You know, your hopes and dreams are going down as the floors go.
	That's awful.
	And my dad would do this, because I'd always say, quit your job, this is it.
	So that was his running job.
	Thank God I didn't quit my job.
	Now, a couple years go by, and there's a Broadway producer named Hilly Elkins, married to an actress named Claire.
	Oh, it'll come to me.
	Pretty lady.
	And they own the rights to a book called A Hundred Misunderstandings.
	Out of print.
	But my aunt throws nothing out and it's in her attic.
	All brown and the pages are falling apart.
	And it's about a college kid whose grandmom sends him a hundred bucks.
	And he finds a 14-year-old black whore.
	This is late 50s.
	And one chapter's him, one chapter's her.
	And her street smarts are ten times better than his education.
	That's basically it.
	And I had to audition, you know, a few times and sign a paper for nudity, and I auditioned against some black actresses.
	And I told my dad, man, it's going to be like The Graduate.
	That's what he said.
	You know, you ought to quit your job.
	Two days later, I'm packing to go to New York to finalize this.
	The phone rings.
	My mother, uh-huh, uh-huh.
	I'll tell them.
	Alan, Hilly and Claire are getting a divorce, and they own that property, and it's part of the divorce.
	They're fighting.
	I go, what's that mean?
	They're not doing the movie.
	You hear my dad go, thank God I didn't quit my job.
	So by the time I get to comedy, my grandfather saw me somewhere, and I didn't know this until a few years later.
	He came to Atlantic City, maybe saw The Outlaws when we were headlining, and afterwards he said, I forgot it was you, which is a great compliment.
	But a few years prior, He called up my mother and said, you know, you were too young when you had him.
	You don't give enough discipline, and I personally think he's mentally ill.
	You have to get him help.
	He can't tell a joke.
	There's nothing funny about him.
	He sits in the corner his whole life.
	You've got to get him mental help.
	So I think it was maybe after I did Thick of the Night, the first TV show, my mom, one time she had a real conversation with me, just sat down and said, you know...
	Nobody believed in you, and now we get it.
	Look, my grandfather, you gotta get him out.
	And then after he saw me again, and it was really good, he goes, how come you don't do any golf jokes?
	But they're all joke-tellers, but me and my dad's family were all pseudo-gangsters.
	He had one uncle named Label.
	Who came here in the late 50s and was the boss of Baccarat Caesars for like 40 years.
	But he had to come here because the East Coast mob already took his leg.
	He was standing in between two cars and they smashed him.
	And then there was a campaign, Make Label Able.
	And he stole all the money and took off for Vegas.
	When I was being bar mitzvahed, I remember my dad, who was like, midnight, he goes, we've got to go to the airport.
	I go, I just got a surprise.
	And it's my uncle Label.
	And he tells me, his label's coming in.
	I go, won't they kill him?
	He goes, who's going to tell him?
	And he came to my bar mitzvah.
	And he, they're all nuts, he talked in, I can't even do it, not Rhythms or rhymes, but it said, like, my dad was Susan Fats and Tats and Dogtoons.
	And he'd get it perfect.
	Everybody had a name like that, and he'd remember them all.
	And they were a handful.
	They were, like, when you say, they sound like gangster gangsters.
	They were gangsters.
	You said wannabe gangsters or something.
	Well, no, they were real gangsters in New Jersey.
	Well, I had one uncle, maybe two.
	One uncle in New York used to always get a new car.
	I go, what happened to the last one?
	He goes, don't dive in the lake.
	True story.
	And I had another uncle.
	His son was a little younger than me.
	He was living in Vegas.
	Him and his brother were kind of my age.
	And they were bookies.
	So when they got in trouble, the father took the fall.
	And he eventually was able to be a dealer in Vegas, but he had to go through all sorts of hoops.
	And then my mom had the second largest private title company in Jersey.
	Title like for home?
	Yeah, when you get a house in Jersey, no matter what, you have to have a title clerk.
	They make sure nothing's held on the house.
	It's like that everywhere now.
	And, you know...
	She did a lot of stuff for the mob.
	Wow.
	And she always said, they're very nice, and they always pay on time.
	And one time she said, hey, help me in with the stuff in my trunk.
	And I pop it, and it's shoebox after shoebox.
	I go, what is this?
	We go in, it's all cash.
	I couldn't make it to the bank, and I didn't want to do it at the teller window, at the, you know, the sell thing.
	I go, who gave you this money?
	Oh, you know that family?
	And they had bought the steak and brew I might have worked in.
	They might have changed it and bought it.
	And then when I left New York, I couldn't cut it as an actor.
	Nothing was happening.
	I did a few plays.
	And again, the one big play I thought I was going to get, they sent me to a famous Russian lady to learn how to sing and make my voice hit the back of the wall.
	And she had a gay piano player.
	And I'm young.
	What do I know?
	But she had a cane.
	And she goes from the diaphragm to...
	Oh, come on.
	And I had six months of that.
	And then the show lost its financing.
	She just got beat for no reason.
	Man, I found that.
	Where is that diaphragm?
	I'm not letting this happen.
	Big lump.
	Well, I remember when I came down, I had my kids after...
	We got kicked out of that place for writing on the wall, hi.
	Sorry.
	And also, the other thing was, we were sitting in there, had my kids and my sister in there.
	And my other sister was down there by Mitzi's, you know, condo.
	And so, Jenny, you know, my daughter, she just couldn't stop screaming.
	And nobody could stop her from screaming.
	Right, Jake?
	Still that way.
	She, it was like someone was being murdered, blood-curdling screams.
	Yeah.
	And she would scream out the window, call the police!
	Just to torment me.
	Yeah, that is true.
	And she could project to the back of the room.
	Oh God, her voice could, she could be an opera.
	She yelled at me one time.
	Yeah, I'm not surprised.
	Remember you caught her smoking?
	And you told me.
	And I think it was New Year's and your career was taking off and she was a little full of herself.
	Mom, I'm having a New Year's party with champagne and caviar.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I went like this, will there be smoking?
	I hate him!
	Why does he have to be here?
	Craziness lips.
	Sounds like Jenny.
	So she's screaming and the lady comes down.
	She goes, ma'am!
	Ma'am!
	Remember this?
	Ma'am's through the window.
	Ma'am, can you please?
	It's 10 o'clock Sunday morning, ma'am.
	Can you please keep your children quiet?
	Ma'am?
	What'd you do?
	Fuck no!
	No one can make her stop screaming!
	Yeah, good luck.
	I was over the top.
	I'm like, of course, if I could keep her quiet, I would!
	And then I go, and aren't you the bitch upstairs with that Arab boyfriend that I heard two nights ago where he's like...
	Debbie Bliss.
	Debbie Bliss.
	And she's like, no, you are non-communicative.
	Debbie Bliss.
	No, we cannot communicate.
	I go, I was up all night living to your shit.
	Get used to it.
	And then the landlord came over and made us move.
	And I told Mitzi, I got nowhere to go and three kids.
	Well, go down to La Jolla.
	Right on the beach.
	Pretty good deal.
	It was beautiful.
	And then you was coming down there.
	That's when the beach was still right under the balcony almost.
	Right.
	Before they made the road and ruined it.
	Right.
	And I remember my little sister lived down there.
	She called me up.
	She goes, uh, my boyfriend broke my arm.
	Remember?
	I remember she stabbed him with a fork.
	I was getting to that!
	You jumped the punchline.
	You jumped the fucking punchline.
	Well, that's the part I remember.
	I didn't know he broke her arm.
	I would have gone there.
	You did go there, fool!
	Oh.
	That sounds like me.
	I love a podcast with two old people.
	Neither of you can remember anything because you both are so old.
	Best podcast ever.
	I remember every minute of it.
	So I says to him, Alan, I gotta go get my sister.
	Oh, that's right.
	You had the gun.
	That's when you had the gun.
	I told you.
	And so I said, her boyfriend has broke her arm and I'm going to go over there.
	I told her to pack her shit and I'm going to go get him.
	And you grabbed a gun?
	You skipped over that.
	You brought a gun to my aunt's house?
	He always had a gun then.
	Oh, okay.
	Just in case somebody didn't like a joke.
	So I go, Alan, you better bring your gun because we're going to have to go bust her out maybe.
	So we were really messed up.
	I think my kids, it actually wasn't there then, because they'd gone home with their dad.
	Yeah, they went with their dad, so it was just me and kids.
	I know we got really pissed off.
	No, wait.
	So we go in, we park underground, better thing.
	And then you get out of the car.
	Nobody's in the underground parking lot.
	You get out of the car like manics.
	You've got the gun up here like this, looking like this in the parking garage.
	You're like this.
	I go, Alan, we're not even...
	She's down the street.
	Put it away.
	And so we go down there, and I go in there.
	I go, she had this gorgeous Mexican boyfriend.
	Very tall, very beautiful.
	And I go, you broke my fucking sister's arm and we're leaving.
	And he goes, Roseanne, do you know why I broke her arm?
	You know why her arm's injured?
	I go, no.
	He goes, because I was pulling it away from her stabbing me in the chest with a fork while I was asleep.
	I forgot how bad it was.
	Yeah, remember?
	Well, here's what I remember.
	I remember a few weeks later, let me fix you up with your sister.
	The fork stabber?
	Didn't she stab him like 40 times or something?
	No, she only stabbed him once or twice, but it was her other boyfriend.
	But he didn't purposely break her arm, he was trying to defend himself.
	Yeah, self-defense.
	She stabbed another one of her boyfriends back in the day too.
	Oh yeah, Art.
	No, Art's the one that pushed her arm.
	But she had another boyfriend, she stabbed him too.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, she was bipolar.
	Well.
	Whatever.
	Anyway, so Outlaws of Comedy.
	Oh, the Outlaws of Comedy.
	Well, here's how that comes about.
	Didn't you do that after you worked on Roseanne?
	No, that was all before.
	This was before the Roseanne show?
	The Outlaws of Comedy?
	That was with Sam?
	That started in 85.
	Yeah, let's talk about who was in it.
	Carla Bow.
	Well, Sam comes out in 80, Sam Kennison.
	Married with a little girl, with Carl.
	Carl's brother, Sam's brother, a whole entourage.
	Yeah.
	And he's very polite.
	There's no much screaming.
	I don't even remember him going on.
	Was it clean?
	He just said, I want to meet you in Belzer.
	He wasn't Sam Kennison yet, right?
	Well, I just know in Houston when they banned him, He made a cross and hung himself on it across the street.
	I don't know how sober you are to do that.
	Yeah, I remember that story.
	Okay, sorry, go on.
	True story.
	No, it's one of the best.
	And he was very nice and then he disappeared.
	And he came back with the entourage but no wife and no little kid because it was her kid.
	And they all lived together at different times and sometimes, you know, wherever they could crash.
	And we always played music and we said, whoever makes it We'll make the band.
	We'll do something.
	And then, you know, Sam, you cannot, he's very unstable, so we were not friends.
	And he does his HBO special, and he's touring with Carl.
	And we bump into each other, and I go up to his house, and at that point he had twins, blondes with him.
	And he went to bed, and I see they're going through his pocket, so I called a cab and threw them out.
	So, of course, the next morning, it's angry Sam, and I have to sit him down and say, I protected you, because he trusts nothing.
	And he goes, well, why don't you and Carl come out?
	And that's what the outlaws were.
	And then at some point, we started rotating.
	It was Mitchell, Anami, Carl LeBeau, myself, and Sam.
	And then we had, like, guests.
	Belzer did it for two nights, but then Sam didn't like his attitude.
	Lenny Clark did it the longest.
	Pauly did it a few times, which is a pretty funny story.
	And Steve Kravitz.
	And you guys toured?
	First it was like little theaters.
	Yeah.
	And then it went to arenas.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	What's the biggest arena y'all ever played?
	Well, we did a song with Bon Jovi.
	We did Wild Thing to 84,000 people.
	Yeah.
	That's awesome.
	In North Jersey.
	But the biggest one we played might have been $30,000, $35,000.
	Wow.
	And that's hard to control because they're there to see sand.
	Right.
	So it's...
	And I just go, listen, there's two more after me.
	You can go to the bathroom.
	You got to shut the fuck up.
	And always somebody go...
	That's what it sounds like.
	Yeah.
	And they go, row 101 Cedar, I'll fuck you up.
	Yeah.
	That was it.
	The show would start.
	And then Roseanne.
	Well, I don't know what happened after that.
	I'm trying to get the career.
	How did it go?
	When did you come on Roseanne?
	Sam was gone, and I had no career.
	You were an outlaw?
	We're not booking you.
	You were in our place now.
	You're an outlaw.
	In fact, I cut my hair, and there was a 400-seat room in Caesars and Tahoe, and I'm on the plane with the entertainment director.
	And he says, do you know Kenison and his boys?
	No.
	I go, why?
	He goes, something's wrong with them.
	You know, we opened the bar in the pool for them.
	They broke open the bar.
	And I go, maybe they weren't used to being famous or something.
	He goes, well, I got a big red X. There are pictures, every one of them.
	They will never fucking play season style.
	I finished my first set, and he's in the wings holding my picture with the X. He goes, the minute you're not funny or do something, you're out of here.
	Sam, that was our first headlining casino, tripped on a wire in the back, and they were just panicked.
	Sam was going to sue.
	Get the yacht.
	They have a yacht.
	So we're on Lake Tahoe, like in a 200-foot yacht, stocked with shrimp and lobster.
	And we just kept calling down, we need tickets for Diana Ross, because they were afraid he was going to sue.
	But here's why it really went down.
	Steve Kravitz, I told Sam not to take him.
	At the time, he was a heroin addict.
	Okay.
	Anyway, they did open the pool for us, and Steve has somewhat of a Jewish nose.
	And I'm a Jew, I can say it.
	And he dove in high, and he came up, and you saw that nose go, and blood everywhere in the pool.
	So they had to drain that pool and have it cleaned.
	And Sam, you know, Sam, it was an accident.
	Now it's New Year's and we're at the theater where Jerry Seinfeld plays in New York.
	It's a famous theater.
	And the show's over.
	Weather sucks.
	Sam comes out.
	His limo's not there.
	That's what happened to my fucking limo.
	I think it's in Harlem right now buying dope.
	And it was.
	And that's when he went.
	Oh, he took the limo to Harlem.
	Didn't he die, Steve?
	No, he's still alive.
	Is he sober off heroin?
	Yes, has been for years.
	And he's back to doing stand-up.
	Oh, good for him, poor bastard.
	Yeah.
	How many guys died from fucking heroin overdoses, comics?
	Well, comics, it was overdosing on almost everything.
	Because I know some that died from alcohol poisoning.
	There was a guy, a sweet guy, Larry Beezer.
	I remember Beezer.
	I opened for him.
	He was such an alcoholic.
	I forget what southern state he was in, but the police literally drove him to the edge of the state and pushed him into the next one and went, do not turn around.
	He slowly was losing gigs.
	And he drank himself silly.
	And then, of course, Ollie Joe.
	Obesity and booze.
	You know, they used a crane.
	To move Ollie into the hospital.
	You know, he got so big towards the end.
	Did he?
	How funny was that son of a bitch?
	They took 100 pounds of water off in a day.
	Really?
	That's how big he was.
	Remember how funny he was though?
	Nobody was funnier than him.
	He take a beer.
	Ollie Joe Prater?
	Yeah.
	He take a beer.
	He came to our house for dinner.
	An unopened beer.
	Put it in the state.
	Put it in his mouth, go like this, and guzzle the whole beer, throw it on the floor, and go, that bears everything I learned in college.
	With his little tiny cowboy boots.
	He looked just like his 70s.
	I remember I saw him cook a chicken on his radiator.
	He showed me when he's on the road.
	All the time.
	He either had an old Lincoln or an old Caddy, and he pulled it over.
	Chicken or steak.
	This is the good old days of comedy.
	I was before my time.
	I love listening to this.
	I could hear the show.
	I wanted to go into the strike when the comics realized that they were building up the comedy store and the improv and they wasn't getting a dime.
	Actually, it wasn't build up.
	It was just starting to catch on and she had that main room.
	It was a Mexican disco and she redid it thinking she'll get the Buddy Hackett's And she winds up with like Tiny Tim.
	Because the comics go, hey, Vegas pays us millions.
	You're too close.
	You're talking about Mitzi Shore.
	So Argus naively says to her, he was the boyfriend at the time, why don't you use your headliners?
	And there's maybe 15 and 17 that were good.
	You consider headliners.
	And she said, yeah.
	Well, the room was packed and they went, wait a minute.
	She's making money.
	We should be getting paid.
	Now she's maybe a year or two in.
	I forget.
	It was before the Jag.
	But the Pinto was gone.
	And all they see is she lives in that mansion not knowing there's still a big mortgage on it.
	But I believe a certain comic, this is what Mitzi said to me, slept with her and she didn't want him back.
	It was his vendetta to keep that thing going.
	It's not someone we can name, I take it.
	Huh?
	It's not somebody you want to name, I take it.
	Oh, I will after this beer is done.
	Okay.
	So, some comic that she didn't want back as her boyfriend?
	Well, I remember...
	Agitated for the strife?
	She slept with the comics from time to time?
	Oh, she slept with all of them.
	Oh, really?
	Did you guys sleep with her?
	I didn't sleep with her.
	You didn't.
	Did you?
	Me either.
	That's why I was...
	Very friendly with her.
	She would call me with her personal problems.
	She'd call me at 3 in the morning.
	You know, Argus, God bless him, was very much an alcoholic and out of control.
	And she calls me at 3 in the morning, you know, I think he could be senator.
	And I have to sit and listen to this shit.
	And she was sincere.
	I mean, he was that brilliant.
	He threw it all away with that booze.
	Well, I remember I called his father, who was a preacher, and he said, well, you and that Jew woman have messed him up.
	And I went like this, I'll send him home in a body bag, fuck you.
	And he's out of control, so his father finally comes, and we're walking up to Crest Hill, and he says, you know, Alan, our God...
	And I go, excuse me, sir.
	You didn't have anybody until we fired the fucker.
	And he just walked away from me.
	Ronnie Kenny catches up to us.
	The door opens.
	He realizes it's his father.
	And he says, you bagel-faced motherfucker to me.
	And Ronnie Kenny sucker punches him in the face.
	He goes down on his tighty-whities right across the wax floor.
	And I go, Ron, why would you hit him?
	You're going to take that?
	I go, I grew up one of three Jews.
	That's nothing!
	And then the father sent his brother, younger brother, who proceeded to put the mattress out on the balcony and fuck waitresses.
	So he was no help.
	Jesus.
	Then, oh, and he's had me tell this story.
	Mitzi says, you gotta save him.
	So I take him to county, and it's Halloween, the county hospital, and they all have masks on, but like the shitty plastic kitty ones?
	It's the very Twilight Zone.
	Remember the...
	And they give him a thing to fill out, and he's filling it out, and he starts crying.
	Like, what's the matter to you?
	It says if you act up, they can give you a lobotomy, the county.
	And they go, you're a comic.
	Wait a minute.
	And they go up.
	Excuse me.
	Nothing.
	Finally I go, hey Daffy!
	And the guy doesn't take it off.
	He talks to me with it.
	I said, what's this mean?
	You know, he's a comic.
	And I just turned and went, Argus, let's go.
	I'm not leaving you here.
	And Mitzi went crazy.
	So then I took him to another place that didn't work.
	But then we decided it's going to be Betty Ford and Mitzi's picking up the tab.
	So Biff Maynard, who's out of his mind and dangerous, just wants to get him high and kill him.
	I would solve everything.
	And he's dead serious.
	So, Ollie Joe comes over and he says, I have a quarter ounce of cocaine, some beer.
	Let's tell him we're going to Palm Springs to party.
	I don't know whose convertible it is, but he's in the back, son of a bitch, in his white suit.
	Must be a week it's on him, not a spot.
	I don't know how he does it.
	And Ollie and I, We're up for three days because we had to convince him to get in the car.
	And we look like total shit.
	We smell.
	And as luck would have it, we stop at a bar in Palm Springs and it's a guy that was running the store that Mitzi fired that came from the Playboy Club.
	And he proceeds to just keep giving Argus drinks.
	So now we go and he sees the Betty Ford signing and he says, Can I please get a six-pack before I go in there?
	So we turn around and get him a six-pack.
	And while he's drinking, and I say, well, Ollie, Joe, and I will go in and set this up.
	We're standing at the counter, and the nurse comes out and says, two?
	Ollie goes, two what?
	Two people checking in?
	I go, we're not checking in.
	You sure?
	And with that, Argus comes around the corner, straightening that tide like he's the long-lost Kennedy.
	And I go, it's him!
	And she thinks I'm full of shit.
	And that worked for him.
	Oh, you got him sober?
	Yes.
	Who is our guy?
	He's like 30-some years.
	Oh, wow.
	That's awesome.
	Vargas Hamilton was a great comic.
	Great political.
	He was, yeah, real political stuff.
	Like the best of it.
	And was Mitzi's boyfriend.
	He's still killing at the store.
	Really cool.
	So anyway, The Strike, we were on that.
	Oh, The Strike?
	Yeah.
	All right.
	So they decide they're going to organize everybody.
	And between the two coasts, that might be six, seven hundred people.
	Wow.
	And I'd say 698 of them are questionable at that time.
	Not funny, you mean?
	Or not?
	Beyond not funny.
	And I'm one of them.
	But the little people like me.
	The unknowns.
	So Elaine Boosler called me up and said, would I organize them?
	And We went to the Hyatt House upstairs to their big room and had the meeting.
	And I remember Gallagher stood up and said, well, let's just get the cunt and everybody else will fall in line.
	And I walked right down and into her office and I said, Mitzi, they're coming for you.
	What can I do?
	I will never pay them.
	And that was her stance.
	And eventually, they organized enough people and found a union called AGVA that was about to go under.
	It was Circus Clown.
	For real.
	I'm not making it up.
	And once you align with the union, all the other unions have to pretend they agree with it.
	Yeah, right.
	Hence the union.
	Yeah.
	So SAG would go, we're going to pull cards after we do this.
	It was horrible.
	So people were afraid.
	And eight of us crossed the line every night.
	And it was hard.
	Leno would go, you want to see this guy's not funny?
	What are you going to waste your money for?
	And eventually he got ugly.
	And it was on the news every night.
	And it was embarrassing, I thought.
	Because for these brilliant comics that want to get paid, their signs are like, no bucks, no yucks.
	And that was one of the better ones.
	Painful.
	And Paulie would get on the roof, you know, as a kid, and pee on everybody.
	And then I think Jay Leno got hit by a car.
	He was all right.
	You know, somebody pulled one into that driveway.
	And then a guy named Steve Lebetkin, who was a troubled soul, but nobody realized it, was out front picketing.
	And Mitzi looked out and went, is that Steve Lebetkin?
	He's supposed to be in La Jolla tonight working the comedy store.
	I'm not paying him to strike.
	And she said, go out there and tell him he's not working tonight.
	And after a week or two, he got it in his head that she controlled his career and he jumped off the Hyatt House roof.
	I remember this.
	And then they broke in her office and put a dummy in there with a sign that said, you killed Steve LeBeck.
	Oh my God.
	And she was never right after that.
	Before that, Laughed all the time, was fun, was sweet after that.
	Do you think she felt responsible when they played on it, or she just couldn't believe they went that low?
	She couldn't believe these people turned on her.
	Yeah.
	It was like, you know, it starts in 72, and he gives it to her in the divorce, Sammy.
	Yeah.
	And he's mean.
	It's a joke.
	It doesn't make any money.
	Art LeBeau has it.
	She just gets the covers on the door.
	Was it a buck, two bucks then?
	Right.
	No booze, no nothing.
	There's a comedy club?
	Or just, what was it?
	A comedy club?
	No, it was a comedy store.
	But the original room was half its size.
	The big room was a Mexican disco.
	Art LeBeau ran.
	Upstairs hadn't been used since 1960.
	Wow, okay.
	And she sat at the bottom of the stairs with cigarettes and candy.
	And would drive her pinto to the house.
	And her office was up there.
	That's when the kids were really young, seven and nine, I think.
	So she got it in the divorce.
	But it was like, ha, ha, ha.
	Right.
	And he said, oh, and you can have the house, too, which is the old Dorothy Lamar house, except it had a big-ass mortgage.
	So no matter what somebody might think of Mitzi Shore, whether she was knowledgeable in comedy, but in the right place at the right time, however you want to put it, it's her sweat that made it.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	She didn't quit.
	And believe me, she should have.
	I don't know how she was making it.
	And with kids, with four kids, except Scotty was already making money.
	He was 21 in real estate.
	I told her he had a jack on the beach where he'd plug in his phone.
	And he's my age, and I'm going, where did I go wrong?
	I can't even think like that.
	And the daughter didn't like her, Sandy, from the day I got there.
	And I remember she was a waitress briefly.
	Then she learned how to do nails.
	Peter was very quiet.
	And Paulie was a lot of energy.
	And Steve Landesberg lived in that house with her when I came out.
	He later gets Barney Miller.
	But at this point, I don't even know if he did a Tonight Show.
	And I remember...
	He always did the Tonight Show.
	Hmm?
	He always was on the Tonight Show.
	Yeah, I'm not sure he had done one at this point yet.
	Oh, I get it.
	Or he was getting ready to.
	And I remember being in the house, and he's talking to me, and Paulie runs by, and he grabs his hand, and he goes, slow down, or I'm going to rip your dick off.
	And he starts the conversation.
	All I could think is, well, none of these people are going to be normal in this house.
	No.
	I used to call it the Addams Fence.
	And, uh, so now the comics decide she's making money, and the real push behind it is the 17 headliners, and they're funny.
	Leno, Tom Dreesen, Boozler.
	Now, Tom Dreesen's best friend at the time is Marsha Warfield.
	Yeah, Marsha's funny, too.
	She's back at it.
	So, here's what happens after a few weeks.
	He goes upstairs to talk to Mitzi, and he comes down and goes, the strike's over!
	We're sitting in her booth.
	Marsha Warfield goes, how much are we getting?
	He goes, what do you mean?
	You're not getting anything.
	The 17 of us are going to get a piece of the door.
	When you're good enough, Marsha goes, wait a minute, you used us?
	He marched back upstairs and started the strike.
	And at one point, they had to have meetings away from the store, but the improv went, you can do whatever you want here.
	And I got thrown out of there.
	Biff got thrown out.
	Marty Cohen got thrown out.
	At one point, Tom Driesen goes, if you don't agree with us, you've got to go.
	I raised my hand.
	He goes, what?
	And I go, that's how they got the Jews on the train.
	They threw me out.
	Then Marty Cohen came out, and I said, what did they throw you out for?
	He goes, you got me crazy with the Jews, though.
	And then Biff came out, and he goes, I just felt like getting thrown out.
	But I remember they had it in a theater one time, and the AGWA guy was going to speak, and it was recently...
	Reported that he stole money to build a pool for his house.
	And I'm sitting with Alan Bursky, who when he is in the mood, is so annoyingly funny.
	And it was just like a scene in that Stallone movie, the Union movie.
	He looks at me and he goes, What happened to the pool?
	The guy tries to ignore.
	Somebody over there says, shut up.
	What happened to the pool?
	We disrupted that thing until it broke out in a fist fight.
	And of course, Berski and I left.
	And here's another great Berski story.
	Right after that, we're all sitting at the door of the original room where you come up the steps, Mitzi and a few comics.
	And somebody leans in and goes, Mitzi...
	There's a bomb scare.
	She goes, what?
	Somebody says there's a bomb here.
	She says, what do you want to do?
	I go, well, if you get everybody out of here, it's really bad publicity.
	However, if we kill 200 people, it's not good either.
	And with that, Berski comes through the curtain and Mitzi, this is how funny she could be, Alan, come sit with us!
	But she thought we were going to be blown up.
	Is that the funniest?
	That's how mean her sense of humor was.
	Alan, come sit with us!
	Later on, when I told him, you know, there's a bomb scare, she thought you'd get blown up with it.
	Get the fuck out of here.
	Well, now, when did you come to work on Roseanne?
	Okay, I can't get any work after the outlaws, so I said, well, I'm going to be a writer, and they give you 50 or 100 a joke.
	Well, I said, I'm a $1,000 retainer, like a lawyer, thinking, who'd do it?
	20 people did it.
	Two guys, they still owe jokes.
	Mark Price and Scott something.
	They just wanted to say Alan wrote for me.
	And one girl paid me $1,000, and I won't give it back.
	She dated Bobby Kelton and the guy who booked Caesars.
	But today she is a multi-millionaire for bras.
	A Jewish blonde.
	She has her, you know, sells bras on TV and stuff for big girls.
	And she, back then, was the host of a little show on USA called Up All Night.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, Rhonda.
	Yeah.
	Rhonda, yeah.
	Rhonda Shear.
	Shear, yeah.
	She hires me to write for her.
	I give her ten jokes and I go, here's the deal.
	I don't want Bobby Kelton telling you what's funny.
	Okay.
	She calls me the next day.
	None of them work.
	I go, you don't have an act that could do two new shows.
	Did Bobby tell you they didn't work?
	Yeah.
	I said, well, go fuck yourself.
	Told you that was the deal.
	Two days later, my doorbell rings and I open it up and somebody starts yelling at me.
	I go, who are you?
	It was her without the makeup, the heels.
	It was just some loud Jewish girl with a bad nose job screaming at me.
	She was so offended when I didn't recognize her.
	And then Bobby Kelton called me and I go, Bobby, what do you want to fight me?
	And he didn't like me because my joke on him was 20 Tonight Shows and he calls home and his mom goes, who?
	So, you know, nobody liked me except Belzer.
	It used to be if Alan fought with you, you'd become famous.
	Letterman comes up to me one night and goes, I understand you do jokes about a gas station.
	I go, yeah.
	He goes, well, I do that.
	I go, David, there's a lot of gas stations.
	Which one are you doing?
	And he walked away from me and he didn't see me again until I went with you when you were on there.
	And I think you had stepped out of the dressing room and I'm eating those gourmet cookies.
	And he walks in and it's literally like he saw a ghost.
	What are you doing here?
	I think he thought somebody booked me and didn't tell him.
	I said, I work for Roseanne, I produce a show.
	And he went, what?
	And walked out.
	And Leno, after the strike, nobody would speak to me.
	A bunch of us were blackballed.
	You go to an audition, you know, for a TV show, and you know, you're the owl in the comic from the story.
	We've cast it already.
	So there was a lot of bad blood afterwards, and she agreed to pay $25 in the original room, and half the door you'd split with the comics in the big room.
	Well, in those days, you can make $400 or $500 a night.
	That's good money.
	So I really didn't have to go on the road.
	She'd work me every night.
	But initially, they were the only ones getting it.
	So they start the strike again.
	It gets all ugly.
	And they finally say they're going to take SAG cards.
	Well, I'm in it since I'm 10.
	So I ask to see a vice president.
	He lets me in, closes the door, locks it, and sits down.
	He goes, you fucking asshole, comics.
	I hope you all rot in hell.
	I go, what?
	AGVA? Agville, you motherfucker!
	Screaming at me.
	I said, I'm from the other side.
	Are you going to pull SAG cards?
	He goes, you didn't hear it here, but wouldn't that be a little illegal, I think?
	I go, I think so.
	And I went, it was Marty Koldner, Pryor, Jimmy Walker, Argus Mitzi.
	They said, they're not pulling cards.
	And they said, it's just me and somebody else has it anyway.
	It's a stupid threat.
	And eventually the eight of us broke their backs.
	She gave in.
	And Bud never honored his deal, which he would do what she did.
	He paid $17.50 and took out taxes, which is against the law.
	And from that point on, if you knew her from day one, you could be friendly with her, but not at the store.
	She went up to the house or in the parking lot.
	And I think I told her this story.
	One time in Vegas, after the show, I'm sitting with the comics, and she came in and said, Alan, you ought to wear a white suit, tell jokes about Grape Nuts, and before she could finish, I went, why don't you just hire that fucking guy?
	And she turned and walked down, and the comics went, ooh.
	And a week later, two days later, she called me up and said, you will not play Vegas for a year or two.
	I said, what did I do?
	You cannot let them know that I'm not, they have to be afraid of me.
	And you let them know.
	They just think, you know, I was out of line too.
	They're not going to do it.
	They certainly aren't.
	And she kept me out of there for a year and a half.
	Wow.
	She's my friend.
	Yeah.
	We'll get to the Roseanne show now.
	Okay.
	So now, you leave Tom Orton.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I do a talk show in the afternoon out of Chicago with a black girl.
	I can't remember her name.
	And I'm supposed to do one segment with the Denver Comics.
	I remember all that.
	Oh, Christ.
	Well, this is how I get to your show.
	I'm so funny, they go, would you stay for the rest of the show?
	Not knowing the next group was the Inquirer writers.
	And they're obnoxious.
	I was on their movie set, and they were all over each other.
	And I go, so you don't like to have sex?
	And, you know, the audience is screaming.
	Well, I don't know.
	The other guest is Tom's mother.
	Oh my God, really?
	And she comes out and before they start, she pinches me and goes, you're the enemy.
	I go, listen, your kid eats goldfish.
	And they go, okay, we're off.
	And we went back and forth.
	I didn't know that.
	I never saw that.
	Now Tom calls me up and I'm with Bob Rubin.
	And I go, he must be upset how he handled his mother.
	So the whole day to get Bob Rubin.
	I laugh.
	If he walked by me, I'd bump into him and fall down.
	I go, what are you doing?
	I go, when he hits me, I'm going down.
	I'm taking every dime from that fat box.
	So I finally go to the trailer, and I really think that's what's going to happen.
	And he said, you know, we're separated.
	I go, Jesus, just everywhere.
	Well, I think maybe, would you like to be on my show?
	And in my head, I know he's thinking, well, if I get Allen back, Roseanne will come back.
	So he says, can you give me like 10 show ideas and be on my show?
	So I did something on this show.
	Gave him 10 ideas.
	And he said, I want all of them.
	The next call I got is, she's not coming back.
	I told her, you're a good writer.
	Good luck.
	We hung up the phone.
	And you called a couple days later and went, what are you doing on TV talking about me?
	I said, I defended you.
	Watch it.
	And he said, what are you doing?
	I said, nothing.
	I'm driving.
	Oh my goodness, he's hot right now.
	Brian Holtzman's bullet-ridden Cordoba.
	God bless him.
	And he said, well, come write for me.
	And it wasn't the show.
	I think for a year and a half, I was in a trailer just punching up and not telling people.
	And one day I showed you that I thought the story was wrong.
	And your face got real serious and you went, you can write?
	I went, yeah.
	I hate to do this to you, Alan.
	And I had no idea what you meant.
	But I'm going to put you on the show.
	That's great.
	I understand what's so bad about that.
	First it starts with your manager's sidekick, Green.
	Says, I'll hand to you, Alan.
	What do I know?
	He calls me up and goes, you're getting $8,000 a week.
	I go, what?
	The next caller is you.
	The fuck you're asking $8,000?
	I go, I didn't.
	And Sandra Bernhardt solved that one.
	She was with you, and you told her, and she goes, Alan?
	Our Alan?
	Oh, no, he'd ask for 50.
	That's right.
	And then I went, and I took Rich Scheidner with me, and, you know, you just don't want to make waves, and they're already ignoring me because, in their minds, I'm Tom.
	Right.
	And the third day, your mom had said, see if they'll do some of these ideas, and I said, you know, Roseanne asked me to tell you these ideas, and she went, huh?
	And after that meeting, Miriam Trodden, the woman, took me outside and said, can I speak to you?
	Oh yeah?
	She's right here.
	You are the lowest thing on the ladder.
	I'm not even sure there's a rung for you.
	I said, well, what did I do?
	You don't come in and tell us what to do.
	I go, I didn't tell you what to do.
	I suggested some of the stars idea.
	Well, that's not the way it works around here.
	And I just went, well, don't make me change that.
	She goes, what do you mean by that?
	I go, listen, I'm playing nice because I know everybody here is waiting for me to be bad.
	And I'm trying to get along with you.
	But I will tell her what piece of shit you are, which I never did.
	And They gave us a basketball.
	What did you have at that point?
	15 comics?
	They gave them a basketball.
	Six or seven of them.
	The writers locked themselves in the room.
	And these guys played basketball all day.
	Alan never told me this until last week.
	They wouldn't let my comics in the writers' room.
	Yeah, I want to hear.
	But what season was this?
	Well, she's on four or five years at this point.
	Okay, so I'm going to go on.
	And...
	They're playing basketball.
	And if you add it all up, it's a lot of money.
	And I kept saying to them, why can't we go in that room?
	Well, we're just jokes.
	So they would do this.
	There were so many writers, they made five groups of four or five.
	And they'd go, we need a joke.
	And each room had to write ten jokes for the one joke.
	And then the leader of that room would go in and pitch it.
	And we had a guy named Dave.
	Barely could talk, right, as far as I'm concerned.
	And he would pitch a joke, and it was like stabbing it.
	It was so bad.
	And, you know, it's just my way I am.
	About the third time, I made myself a room, nobody else.
	And I went in and I pitched, and they all laughed and went, what else do you have?
	They go, what else do I need?
	You all laughed.
	And then they got mad at me.
	I go, boys, I do this every night off the top of my head.
	I have to be funny immediately.
	I'm not going to get any funnier giving you a tenth joke.
	Nobody is.
	Thank you, Alan.
	And they wouldn't tell me until it was in the script.
	And this went on and on and on.
	And I go, basketball?
	They're getting fat from the candy room?
	It was just horrible.
	And then we had...
	Rob Ulan.
	They wouldn't let the writers into the writing room?
	The comics she hired.
	The people I hired.
	Only the college writers.
	Of course.
	With no experience, no fun.
	And this is four or five, so it's already number one.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Tell about that one that you came down and told me went to Vassar.
	They hire Carsey Warner, I think, next to the last year.
	Tracy or Stacey?
	And she would hide behind boxes.
	She has a disease where she can't look you in the face.
	And that's the co-exec Carsey Warner has hired.
	And your mom says to me one day, who keeps hiding behind the boxes and the walls?
	I go, your co-executive producer!
	So she decides she's going to write a script.
	They just assign it to each other, the six or seven.
	And in it is some French.
	I think fishy-sois, is that how you say it?
	And something else.
	And I go down there and your mom goes, who the fuck thinks the Conners speak French?
	I go, well, your co-exec producer went to Vassar and she's very blue-collar.
	And I had to go tell that little girl, you gotta take that shit out, man.
	At best, make it a Bloody Mary with a lot of lettuce.
	I mean, celery.
	And then I get this from her.
	You're just not a nice man.
	Okay.
	It's not the first time you've heard that, I'm sure.
	Vassar.
	Who looks at that resume?
	Only wrote on one other show for a few years, but one other show.
	Who says, oh yeah, she's good for the conners?
	Carsey Warner.
	So they, and the head writer at the time, Rob, you'll, oh God, do you remember?
	You said to me one day, go up there and straighten him out like Tom would.
	Like, wow.
	So he comes in his office.
	I'm sitting there.
	And believe me, to them, I'm like the redheaded stepchild.
	What are you doing here?
	Roseanne wanted me to speak to you.
	You?
	Yeah.
	Well, about what?
	I go, I'll cut to the chase.
	This is her ship.
	Let her sink it any way she wants.
	You got to start addressing her notes.
	He goes, excuse me.
	Walks out.
	I never see him again.
	So I leave and I go down to your trailer.
	This is what you said to me.
	You made Rob Euling cry?
	When he went, excuse me, he went down to you and went, how dare you send him?
	Because they knew nothing about me.
	It was just another crazy friend.
	And he would come in and go in his office and sleep till about six or seven.
	Then order pies from Dupar's across the street.
	And that was supposed to appease everybody.
	And after about a week, in front of all the writers, unless you're getting lobster, fucker, I'm done.
	I don't work past 7.30.
	Wake up.
	So he hated my guts.
	But that's what he would do.
	Can you believe it?
	And everybody's just like, mm-hmm.
	There's like 20-some people.
	Then, was it Eric then?
	I don't know all the stories.
	I have said every one of them, but it was just common sense.
	Yeah, it seemed pretty different.
	I only came to the set when I was in school.
	Oh, when they made me a consultant?
	I went in that writer's room with the basketball.
	Well, guess what's up, guys?
	And I brought in all the comics, and I handed, maybe it was the Amy Sherman.
	He wasn't married to me.
	I handed him the basketball.
	They hated me for two days.
	They went to Carsey Warner and said, he's making us play basketball.
	So I brought him back in and I said, but everybody stays now.
	Even if we had to have double chairs, everybody stays.
	Somebody might have a better idea.
	And it killed those writers.
	They're so juvenile.
	Well, the college writers, I think, not only think they're smarter and have an attitude about them, But I think they thought the comics, what do they know about story?
	What do they know about the sitcom?
	Comedy.
	Yeah, they're just...
	And stories.
	Like I told her, Bob Nickman doesn't like me.
	He's one of the writers that's a comic but has gone Carsey Warner.
	It's like the Civil War.
	And your mom throws out a script.
	And there's like two days left.
	And I'm going down to see what she wants to do.
	And he runs up to me and goes, here's a script.
	I go, who wrote this?
	Me.
	I go, why don't you show them?
	I showed them two years ago.
	I go, what's it about?
	John Goodman was in a band before he marries Roseanne.
	And once he gets married and leaves the band, they become famous.
	I go, give me that script.
	And that's all I said to you.
	I went, do it.
	And we got the blues drivers and it was a great show.
	Only because that kid went, Alan's crazy enough to tell these people to fuck off.
	Two years.
	Because they didn't write it.
	Right.
	But what about one...
	Well, the thing that real Roseanne Colt viewers love is the 50s show.
	How about one...
	Well, didn't we write that in about 20 minutes?
	Well, you know what happened?
	And this is why I love you.
	Whenever I have an idea, you don't poo-poo it.
	I had had a dream.
	And, you know, I know every old sitcom, and it was Ozzy and Harriet.
	And there was an episode where Ricky wants to be in the band and Dad wants him to play football.
	And I thought, wouldn't it be funny to do that with DJ and Goodman?
	And he said, that's a great idea.
	And then I was talking and we went, maybe we should just set it then.
	And then we did the lost episode thing, which I thought was clever because everybody had a lost episode.
	Carsey Warner sends a note down.
	What the fuck is this?
	But Bob Meyer got it.
	And he's the one that came up with the commercials.
	And Goodman might have said two words to me.
	When we were filming that, he pulled me aside and said, this show never won an Emmy.
	And I believe you just did it.
	Never talked to me after that.
	He was so excited and had so much fun, as did everybody, playing those parts.
	And the writers say, I say to them, it's going to open with Roseanne in a row.
	And you said, get you a thing that made the cigarette longer.
	And I said, she's going to say she's crazy.
	And they went, what?
	Well, who's going to tell her?
	I go, tell her what?
	She's got to say she's crazy.
	I went down and I go, we got to do a little thing.
	And he looked at me and says, I got it.
	And he went, this Tonight Show is a lost episode.
	Like my mind or something like that.
	It was very good.
	And then I got in trouble with Carsey Warner because I broke down the set without asking.
	We put up a 50s set.
	So I got a note.
	That's 250,000, Alan.
	And I say to Courtney, so I know not to ask.
	Just do it.
	And they put a white picket fence around the house.
	They changed the music.
	And I don't like Carsey Warner.
	And do you remember they said in the trades when that fight was going on with Goodman, well, that's our Rosie.
	So the name of that episode was That's Our Rosie.
	It was the 50s show, but it opened with an iris like the old ones.
	And then when they go to the commercial, they go, that's our Rosie.
	Motherfucker, how's that?
	Yes, they were always so supportive of me.
	They never even put it up.
	They would have won an Emmy.
	They never, because it was me.
	Even Bob Meyer went.
	Ellen, this is so damn funny, but their thing was, it's not Roseanne.
	When you say never put it up, that means- For an Emmy.
	They never put any of our shows up for an Emmy.
	That means- How does that- Never was even nominated.
	You have to, when you say put it up, Carsey Warner has to say- Yeah, the producers have to put up- Carsey Warner.
	Yeah, the show never won an Emmy, did it?
	They did everything subtle- To take me down as far as they could take me.
	They did.
	With everybody they hired, the way they ran the place.
	It's easier to explain now, but at the time I was so caught up on it, I just wanted to kill them all.
	Yeah.
	They called me behind my back, Luca Brazzi.
	That's a compliment, yeah.
	The Godfather killer.
	Because I had no, like, she hired some Denver comics and And Tom was doing McHale's Navy.
	Oh, God.
	And I happened to come in early one day, and I see they're writing McHale's Navy three times.
	On my dime, in my office.
	But I'm fair.
	I'm fair.
	But I work for her.
	Right.
	And I looked at them, and I said, you know, did he tell you you're going to get credit?
	And I said, yeah.
	And I go, let me explain.
	You have to rewrite three quarters of this script to get credit, not touch it up.
	He's lying to you.
	Is he paying you?
	And we think a little bit.
	I go, then I would do it off of Roseanne's time.
	I'm not going to say anything, but if she finds out, I'm not denying it.
	And I waited about three days and told her.
	Good.
	I fired them.
	And they hated me ever since.
	I fired them.
	They all went on to work.
	It was Matt Berry and Yeager.
	Day and night.
	And that David idiot with the 18 kids or whatever.
	No, he wasn't one of the Denver Riders.
	No, but he was in that room with them, you know, because he was the, I guess they thought he was the more experienced writer.
	But when I came there, those Denver guys couldn't believe it.
	Oh, this guy's so funny.
	You're going to love him.
	And then when I saw the attitude of the writers, he played basketball.
	I could be home getting high.
	It wasn't even about money.
	I can waste my time better.
	You know what I mean?
	Basketball.
	Tell about when Goodman came in when he was busy doing Shakespeare down in La Jolla and couldn't be on the Roseanne Show anymore.
	First of all, this is how shitty Carsey Warner is.
	It's the last year of the show and they say John Goodman only has to do seven or nine of them.
	How do you wrap up a show?
	Yeah.
	And you guys knew it was the last season.
	So, it was one of my arguments when they wanted her to win the lottery.
	Yeah.
	In fact, we weren't even talking.
	We were fighting.
	You called me up and said, they don't...
	I said, well, it's not their show.
	Yeah.
	And I went and made sure it was that.
	But my argument was...
	We don't have John Goodman.
	How do you wrap up the show?
	Can I kill him in the third episode and move on?
	Yeah.
	Oh, we don't want that.
	I go, well, what do you want?
	Right.
	So then they gave in, and I wasn't smart enough to keep pushing.
	They wouldn't change the set.
	Who wins $300 million and stays in that house?
	Right.
	And that was their fuck you to us.
	Right.
	Go ahead, do your little fantasy.
	And your mom turns to me the third show and goes, they're fucking us.
	And we can't make this a dream.
	They'll kill us.
	And just like this, year two, John built me an office in the basement so I could be a writer.
	Find that clip.
	And that's, I think shortly after that is when we decided we're going to kill him off.
	And everything would be the book.
	That year was all the book.
	And I thought it was very clever.
	And we got beat up like everybody does with an ending show.
	Yeah.
	But if you research it now, everything says, dare you not to cry.
	Dare you not to cry.
	Unbelievable.
	What a positive message at the end.
	And a couple colleges had a course on it.
	Yeah.
	And what happens when poor get rich and use that as an example.
	I always, because I know you got beat up on that, but like...
	It's always funny to me.
	I wasn't working on the show.
	Well, it was a great way to talk about class.
	Remember when they went to the Kennedy?
	When the family went to the Kennedy?
	The best of that was we almost had a Kennedy.
	That Dina Merle was American royalty.
	Marjorie Post.
	Mar-a-Largo was her summer home.
	Yeah, that was her house.
	So she had that air of being a Kennedy.
	And I gotta tell you, I personally liked that episode.
	It was just...
	I love it.
	It's got that Indian guy.
	That Indian guy is so funny.
	You know, he's in a lot of movies.
	He's so famous now.
	Yeah.
	I didn't know if you knew that.
	Or I can't remember like the real like kind of.
	And one of the terrorists on the train when we did that one was Lawrence Hilton Jacob.
	I know.
	So we had some cool people.
	What I want to say real quick is that the Connors was based off my mother's life.
	DJ here, sister's.
	She really did win the lottery in real life.
	She was a stand-up, moved to LA, gets a number one show.
	So I always said that last season, because sometimes people would say shit, that was probably the most realistic part of the Roseanne show, because that really happened to us.
	If they would have let us do what she really wanted, we would have gotten another two years.
	Probably.
	Even if the others left, which they wanted them gone.
	I don't know if you know this, they wanted to keep the show going with your mom and the new baby.
	Get rid of everybody else.
	That's how much they loved everybody.
	Get rid of all of them.
	Move her to Vegas.
	And I think our idea was you'd be seamstresses for a show, but live in the Vegas ghetto.
	And when I'm telling Stu Bloomberg this, he goes, there's no ghetto in Vegas.
	They go, have you ever been there?
	He goes, yeah.
	I go, have you gone off the strip at all?
	And there was a ghetto.
	And, you know, Whoopi said she'd do it.
	We had 30 days.
	Carsey Warner waited too long.
	But they're putting in the paper, show's done.
	Show's done.
	When they're secretly, they don't want to give up the money.
	Believe me, they don't want to give up the money.
	Well, not until now.
	Then they wanted to give it up.
	And...
	Different time.
	If they would have let us really change the house and really go for it, what happens?
	When all of a sudden, you're nothing...
	And you can do anything.
	That was the whole idea.
	And, you know, once they put us in that house, and then whoever decorated it, that was another fuck you to us.
	It was shit didn't even make sense with the dinosaur still on the shelf.
	Everything was a fuck you.
	Now I look back.
	I mean, they did fuck me like they always wanted to.
	Well, I thought I was clever because with that deal, I got you two more trailers.
	That's why you had a separate wardrobe one and a separate makeup one.
	And I got that by going, hey, what's that little three-bedroom rancher doing next to the Sybil's studio?
	Well, that's her dressing room.
	I guess, you know, Roseanne has to walk by them.
	Yeah.
	And she's been getting her makeup done all these years and squeezing her ass into where they do the clothing.
	You built her a three-bedroom ranch house?
	This ain't going to be good.
	And Tom Horne goes, well, how can we keep it quiet?
	Well, give us a wardrobe trailer, you know, give us some room.
	Well, we're not making that much money, and I would go, I know, I know, you're a charity, I know.
	And they gave it, because I remember your mom.
	I mean, they must have hated me from the day it went to number one.
	Here's where they hated you.
	First, they screwed you.
	It should say, at best, co-created by.
	No, I knew that.
	And then they hire a guy who proceeds to think it's his show.
	Oh, they put me in terrible positions, but I never went down, and they hated me that I didn't go down.
	Well, it's what I said to that Margaret Cho's manager.
	Yeah.
	Why did you hire her if you don't want her to be herself?
	Because I remember you telling me, the guy's going, Roseanne wouldn't say that.
	And you're screaming, I'm Roseanne.
	I mean, how dumb do you have to be not to understand that?
	They're just sadistic thieves.
	Well, they hire comics and then go, but can you do it this way?
	What did you hire them for?
	It makes no sense.
	And then when she went number one, you know, the country only heard one side.
	The side they released.
	She gives writers numbers.
	She screams.
	She walks off.
	When I got there and saw what was really going on, I felt terrible for her.
	Yeah.
	Because they had mentally tortured her for a lot of years.
	They brought her back 20 years later and did it again.
	Yeah.
	I saw it.
	I was stupid.
	I go, oh, all's forgiven.
	It's all a beautiful world.
	No, I'm sure, I'm positive this was one of their conversations.
	Well, if she starts her shit again, we'll just get rid of her.
	Yeah.
	And that's why I'm saying they were just...
	Waiting.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's so weird.
	I mean, why wouldn't they just love you?
	It's not just a number one show.
	You know what happened?
	Because they're a sadistic prick.
	And with billionaires, they become know-it-alls.
	Right.
	But this is like one of the most famous shows ever to the greatest television.
	Listen, Tom calls me in at the end and said, here's how the show's going to end.
	She's going to become a comedian.
	Exactly like Seinfeld.
	I go, is that your idea?
	He goes, yes.
	I go, no offense.
	I put it on your desk two and a half years ago.
	I don't care whose fucking idea it is.
	You make it happen.
	You make sure you tell her.
	And you know I'm a little shit.
	Real calmly went, oh, you can bet I'm going to tell her, Tom.
	And I went right to Arrowhead and told you.
	I go, fuck.
	I mean, just this...
	What about tell...
	Arrogant.
	They're arrogant.
	Which one did you want to hear?
	No, I... Want to hear about the joke book?
	No, that one's sickening.
	It's really sickening.
	Yeah, tell that one.
	So, all those jokes we would write?
	When you weren't playing basketball?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I never asked what happened to all the ones they don't use.
	Well, I'm not privy...
	Because I'm not an executive and I'm not playing basketball.
	And she would leave.
	She walked off, call us back in and make us write another 50 jokes.
	Well, when I became the executive assistant, would be a little pushy.
	One day it just occurred to me and I said to the lovely girl who was my assistant, what happens to all those jokes?
	Two of them, just for the season that was happening, it's this thick.
	And I said, where'd that come from?
	Oh, it's been here since day one.
	I went down, put it down.
	Your mom went, what is this?
	I go, you tell me.
	Where'd you get this?
	And I tell her.
	I go, from now on, pick a joke you like.
	If you don't like any of those, call me direct.
	And I'll fix it.
	Because they're assholes.
	Never walked off again.
	He loved going through that book and making the decision.
	Or making a joke better, where they'd make the decision for her, let her walk off, and then tell Carsey Warner she's crazy.
	The last year of the show, ABC gets a new girl that has to read the scripts and give you notes.
	And of course, no exec's been on that set for years, and no notes are taken.
	But she's new.
	And she goes, I was told you want to accept them.
	I go, well, who told you that?
	Well, it's a known fact.
	They're a nightmare over there.
	I go, I don't know where you get this.
	I'll gladly listen to your notes.
	I don't say a word to your mother.
	It's Monday.
	Thursday, every one of her notes have naturally come out in the process.
	So I call her up and thank her.
	Really?
	Now I learn she wanted to be a journalist.
	You know, I'm getting shit out of her.
	About the fourth time, she says, you know, these jokes, I go, you're not going to win all of them.
	I've been pretty good, and I haven't done a thing.
	She just doesn't understand the process.
	So, that's how funny your mother is.
	I say to her, why don't you come to the show one night?
	Oh, nobody's allowed on that show.
	I go, where'd you hear that?
	And she's sitting in the front, and at the end of the show, I say to your mom, let me go by that lady to say, hey, hi.
	And you turn and you went, is that a fucking executive?
	Didn't even know the woman.
	She's brand new.
	But after that, she couldn't go back to the others.
	She'd go back and go, I don't know what you're talking about.
	They're very nice over there.
	All the years, whatever happened, her fault.
	Oh, I thought you didn't allow executives.
	I always thought that.
	I did.
	I banned them from the, like, when we went number one.
	I said, you're no longer welcome here to Tom Warner.
	Yeah.
	Marcy Carsey.
	I think that's the greatest.
	I don't want to take your notes and I don't want to hear your shit.
	You tried to kill me.
	Yeah.
	Why would I go back in business with them?
	Didn't they try to get rid of you?
	Go to John and Lori?
	Yeah, they tried to steal my show in the beginning.
	How would you feel about not having her?
	What?
	They tried to kick you off the first season, I thought.
	Mm-hmm.
	Well, that show was originally something and stuff.
	What did they call it?
	Oh, Life and Stuff.
	That was the name of the show.
	When I saw that, I went fucking ape shit.
	You lived in the house off of Encino.
	And I remember saying to you, this isn't good because they had recently got rid of that Valerie Harper because it wasn't in her name.
	And I just remember you went, those motherfuckers.
	Then it became Roseanne.
	Yeah.
	Which made it a little harder for them.
	But they still tried.
	Not that they didn't try.
	Well, they eventually succeeded.
	Yeah, they still.
	Maybe that was what it was about.
	Sadistic thieves.
	I remember Tom Warner took us to New York on his private jet.
	And I thought, well, this is going nice.
	It's going to be different this time.
	We got in a car on our way to New York and we're talking.
	And I was saying about, you know, it's great.
	To have a mother-centered home back on TV. And he, this one, my skin went, my blood ran cold.
	He goes, just like this, looking out the window, I hated my mother.
	And I went, oh God, this is a bad fucking thing right now.
	There it is.
	He said it's so blood cold.
	And I was like, something is going to happen.
	You know, they found the formula.
	Get a comic, give them a show.
	Yeah.
	And then they proceed to try.
	It's so, I just don't understand.
	Even, I used to say this to the writers.
	She's a comedian.
	She goes in front of audiences.
	You sit here drinking Cokes and talking about it.
	Yeah.
	Why do you think you know what's funny?
	I said, at least hear her thoughts.
	She's a comedian.
	Forget it's her show.
	That's crazy.
	It's beyond crazy.
	And to think that that wheel kept turning.
	And it kept turning because of her.
	How many magazines?
	How many everything?
	She turned in that wheel.
	I always thought you ran the...
	Everyone always says you ran the writer's room and you were the best.
	I mean, even Judd Apatow or fucking Joss Whedon, they...
	They give you credit.
	I mean, I did.
	You know, there were friendly times when I went up there.
	But I always kind of ran it through Alan.
	Yeah, by the time I get there.
	I mean, I just couldn't go up to the room because when I did, they'd go, or, you know, I'd say my idea, oh, that's so funny.
	Or it could happen that a guy comes in and graces you and fucks you in the ass.
	I'm like, that one.
	Or, like, I go, and then this was dark.
	Oh.
	Good idea.
	Or, they never...
	So that's why I needed a man.
	That's why I got Tom.
	Yeah.
	Who never did anything but, you know...
	And promote himself.
	Do himself.
	But then when Alan came, I was like, take these ideas up and get them serviced.
	And he did.
	That's crazy.
	It's your fucking show.
	It's your name.
	Yeah, I had to go through all that and then...
	Well, that was my line.
	It's her show.
	Well, we don't like what she's doing.
	It's her right.
	To sink it any way she wants, if that's what you think she's doing.
	But you gotta stop it.
	It was everyday torture.
	And I mean, for real.
	None of it was as torturous as when I went back.
	They doubled down.
	I thought it was, you know, I believed all this shit.
	Well, you know, when they doubled down, it's with the Trump stuff.
	Yeah, and they knew it, and I thought they were all for it.
	Well, here's what you do when you're a writer on a show, and it's not your show.
	At worst, you say to the star, can we show both sides?
	Can Lori be a Democrat?
	No, that was my idea.
	That's what I'm saying.
	No, they didn't want to talk anything but their version of politics.
	Yeah.
	But it's not their show.
	Well, that's just Hollywood.
	But I do know a really important moment we've talked about a couple times.
	I think they just really got off on rubbing my face in the dirt from day one.
	Well, remember the president said next season, before you got fired...
	It's not going to be as political, remember?
	That's why you got mad.
	That's what I'm saying.
	They were already hunting.
	No, that's why, I mean, mom's admitted this on the podcast before, but that was right before the famous tweet.
	She read the president of ABC said it's not going to be political.
	It's not her fucking show.
	And why wouldn't it be political?
	I was like, who told you that?
	Yeah, so she hanged it.
	It's not going to be political next year.
	Biggest thing on TV at the time.
	Biggest thing.
	And he doesn't get it?
	No.
	No, they were mad.
	It was the same thing.
	I mean, we've told this story before.
	They were mad because I wasn't trashing Trump.
	They were mad because it opened at 24 million and it wasn't 28.
	But even then, it wasn't Trump is Satan.
	Believe me, they did not expect what happened.
	We all did.
	We all knew.
	I mean, that's the middle America she started the first season.
	I knew it was going to win.
	Not just that.
	That's middle America.
	No, I'm talking about your show.
	They didn't think it was going to be successful.
	I knew it was going to be huge.
	I did too.
	That's America.
	I don't think they believed it.
	I think they thought, you know, like the other ones they were redoing, we'll do, you know, half the season or something.
	No, they did.
	They think Trump...
	It's 40 KKK members that support Trump.
	That's what they think in LA. It's like, oh, it's just a couple of January Sixers.
	They don't understand.
	It's middle America.
	It's working class.
	But you're also not hired to have an opinion.
	And when I was up in that room with like a hundred libtard writers...
	That's what it was.
	I mean, it was just racist to the max, and I couldn't take it anymore.
	And then they had...
	Yeah.
	Like ABC was being run by BLM. It seemed like it, didn't it?
	They give me that look.
	You know when a Jew hater looks at you?
	You can smell it coming from a mile away.
	You know that look.
	Where it's like, you know.
	It was all the...
	My Jew dar was off the fucking maps with their shit.
	Because they were looking racist Trump supporter.
	Not...
	I mean, because that's their whole thing, is like, Jews are at the top, they're the whitest of the white, because they're fucking Nazis.
	You remember the showrunner said to you?
	Because he has no depth.
	And he said to you, he said something about a joke, and he goes, their attention span, you've got to get right to it, you can't have story.
	Yes.
	What?
	Yeah.
	Because, you know, the shows he did are all jokey shows.
	But when she, after that first meeting, I knew there was a problem.
	Yeah.
	Because she left there and went, he went there all happy and he called me afterwards and said, I don't think they're listening to a word I have.
	No, I remember going to the set and it was really like clicky.
	It was mom and everybody else.
	And they were treating her like some kind of fucking weird leopard they had to work with.
	That's why I'm thinking they were waiting.
	They were.
	They were, of course.
	Whether it was that or something else.
	It was like being black in a Klan meeting.
	Yeah.
	That's what it felt like every day to go in there.
	I was like, you've got to do it.
	And you were so calm.
	I was around the first time.
	Well, there were still some boys and writers from the original show.
	Because that's one of the reasons they didn't want to hire me.
	They went to them and said, no, no.
	That guy will do exactly what she wants.
	They don't want that.
	That's when I realized that I was going to Drop the nuke on the whole fucking show.
	And you did.
	I had it.
	No, thank you.
	Again, I've said this before.
	Admit this.
	And I was like, you know what I'm going to do?
	You did it.
	I was drunk.
	And Alan Ambien fucking had this shit.
	This is what I want to hear.
	This is much better.
	I was like, motherfucker, I'm going to say it like it is.
	You did.
	But it wasn't racist.
	You never said.
	No, but she knew it would be taken.
	Words they said you said.
	No.
	You know, you had a reporter.
	You said, well, talk to Alan.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And the first thing, you know, nobody likes me because I'm very direct.
	Wait, is this a hatch a piece?
	Well, no, by no means.
	Now, when she called her a monkey, I went, she never said that.
	The racist tweet.
	And I am done talking to you because you're lying.
	And I hung up one of them.
	And I called your mom.
	I go, he's not a good guy.
	Not a good guy.
	Everything was Roseanne's racist tweet.
	They still say it.
	I said, and may I reiterate, because it's happening right now, it's the perfect time to say it.
	But you knew you could.
	I thought, I made a mistake because I thought everybody was hip to the Muslim Brotherhood and how they had control of America because of Obama and Valerie Jarrett and the Iran deal.
	They still don't.
	And they still don't.
	Seven years later.
	It's the Jews.
	And I must say...
	I don't know anybody that didn't know that woman wasn't white.
	Yeah.
	I thought she was white.
	I thought the bitch was white!
	That's why I wanted...
	I love it because when these people, these protesters and these leftists...
	Well, I wanted to show what racist they are.
	Thank you.
	That's what I wanted you to talk about.
	I wanted it to come back to where, hey, when the militarized police force of the Democrats...
	Comes and locks you up because you spoke wrong.
	Think of the movie Planet of the Apes.
	Or finds you guilty on 34 felonies that didn't exist two years ago.
	Yeah, and the Muslim Brotherhood, another of their genius plots against America.
	Then you can come over here and kiss my rosy red ass.
	Well, they're finding out.
	And I said, the Iran deal is going to destroy Israel.
	Well, look what happened on October 7th.
	But here's the big part.
	My tweet was a prophecy.
	The motherfuckers knew it because I said Muslim Brotherhood.
	That's why I got fired, not because of the other part.
	Yeah, you can't call Voldemort Voldemort and you can't say Muslim Brotherhood.
	You can't do it now because they're in charge.
	Well, I'm saying it all the time and I'm noticing that a lot more people are saying it.
	Because we're stepping up.
	Since I got into saying Muslim Brotherhood, Those are the people that are teaching America to be anti-Semitic.
	We do it every week here on the Roseanne Bar Podcast.
	And Obama's fake peace deal of his horseshit.
	That warmongering piece of crap.
	Well, wasn't that the problem with the ABC president?
	Wasn't she like an Obama?
	Oh, yeah.
	She's a BLM. No, they were friends.
	Michelle Obama called her directly.
	Michelle Obama's the one that called ABC to fire me.
	They're all at Netflix now.
	Susan Rice and the Obama's.
	That was so funny because Tommy Smothers told me, don't push it because Nixon called CBS and got us fired.
	Don't push it too far because that's what they're going to do to you.
	I go, no, they ain't.
	He goes, girl...
	I didn't even remember that.
	And he was so right.
	But I guess I wanted to be a martyr.
	Thank you.
	I guess I wanted to go like, hey, I'll take the first step.
	I'm number one.
	Fuck it.
	I'm number one to the tenth factor.
	And you know what?
	Like all these motherfuckers that go up to get their Academy Award, they say...
	We must free Palestine and all their horseshit.
	Well, I was saying, Muslim Brotherhood ain't nothing but goddamn militarized police at your door if you say the wrong thing.
	And their spokesman is Valerie Jarrett.
	And Obama's brain trust is the Iranian lobbyist, Valerie Jarrett.
	And so that's what I said.
	Hey, I'm number one.
	Fuck it.
	But you never called anybody a monkey.
	Because I want to drop the whole bomb.
	No, I never said to you.
	The word monkey was never there.
	Well, it's planted the apes.
	Yeah.
	Like my ex-publicist said to me, it doesn't matter what you meant.
	You used the word apes.
	Right.
	How racist is that?
	That's what I'm saying.
	It's completely racist.
	That's the funniest part.
	I go, what?
	You hear the word apes and you think of black people?
	Yep.
	You fucking racist piece of shit.
	That's the funniest part of it all.
	It's the funniest part of the entire...
	That's racist as hell.
	It's the funniest part.
	It is.
	That's why I never got mad.
	I hate to say it because I'm not...
	They're called awful.
	Yeah, I'm not political.
	Affluent, white, feminist, liberals.
	Awfuls.
	Michael Malice.
	That was Michael Malice's term.
	Unbelievable.
	And...
	Everybody got a chance to apologize for whatever bullshit they did.
	Louis C.K. And first off, how they lob your mother in with the sexual bullshit.
	That was my favorite.
	That was my favorite.
	It just shows how stupid they are.
	Did you know my line the one time I ever went viral?
	I said, I wish my mom had sexually abused someone in Hollywood because then they would have supported her.
	Well, can I tell you how many times a day somebody says something about Jews?
	Oh, yeah.
	On TV, The View.
	Me?
	Nothing happens.
	No.
	Whoopi was...
	I'm sorry.
	Yeah, it's white people fighting white people.
	I think three times she said something about Jews.
	She all the time...
	What about her name, Whoopi Goldberg?
	She ain't no Jew.
	That's black...
	That's Jew face.
	It is.
	That's exactly what it is.
	Put on blackface and talk about black people and see what happens to you.
	It's all just double standard bullshit.
	And they can kiss my ass...
	They stole everything I worked on, but you know what?
	You knew it would piss them off.
	I was like, fuck it.
	I'm not coming back to that bullshit show.
	Thank you.
	I want you to show that you're a fucking badass partner.
	They said, well, you come back.
	Tell the truth.
	They asked you to come back.
	They said, come back on the 12th episode of The Conners.
	I said, so you're asking me to be a fucking guest star on the show you stole from me?
	You can go fuck yourself.
	Then they called back again and said, well, we want you to come back as the ghost.
	Of Rosa and Connor on the Conners.
	Because they weren't getting the ratings.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I go, the ghost of my ass, you killed the bitch.
	Yeah.
	She's deader than the fucking door now.
	And that was nasty.
	I go, she's dead in a fucking door now, and you know what?
	That means she's an angel.
	She's an angel, and she damn sure isn't coming back to the people that killed her.
	Or I said, maybe I will come back and be an angel.
	And I wanted to come back and go, you motherfuckers ain't nothing but shit.
	And I always knew you were a Darlene fucking whore.
	I told you when it happened, your fans aren't going anywhere.
	So at some point...
	Mom got bigger.
	That's exactly right.
	I knew what happened.
	I love the tweet.
	I love the sabotage.
	I love the murder.
	I keep telling you to admit to it.
	I was like, fuck you, ABC. I think it's the most badass shit, number one, and you fuck it up.
	You are not but whores for fucking communist China.
	Thank you.
	But you understand what I'm saying about...
	You can kiss my fucking ass, you communist whores for China.
	You know, if they hire you to write Rockford, you don't go in and go, well, now Rockford's a...
	You know, you write the character.
	That's your job.
	They hated the character because...
	Because she was a middle class.
	Because she was a working class mom.
	They hate moms.
	They hate women.
	They do.
	They think men can be better women.
	They think a woman without a dick is like a duck without a bicycle.
	Fucking motherfucking crazy ass sons of a bitch.
	They hate working class.
	They hate Trump supporters.
	They hate Trump supporters.
	Well, they don't understand it.
	They hate their fucking selves.
	When we had the rights to AbFab.
	Because I know they ain't nothing but demons from hell.
	Who was the president of ABC when you got AbFab?
	Do you remember him going, I'm doing this show.
	We're the future.
	We sent him a couple episodes and he calls me up and he goes, Alan, these women are unredeemable.
	They're terrible people.
	About AbFab.
	I go, Ted, that's what we're laughing at.
	Yeah, have you never seen AbFab?
	He goes, well, I'm not like that.
	I go, I'm not like you.
	Yeah.
	He goes, what do you mean?
	I go, how much is a quart of milk?
	He goes, I have no fucking idea.
	And I go, then you're never going to get this show.
	Well said.
	That's the funny.
	Well, I just think they're ugly people.
	We're the future.
	Fucking rat bastards, huh?
	We're the future.
	What do you think of the state of comedy?
	We'll end on this one.
	Because we're...
	Comedy has become what music has become.
	All the great musicians are selling their stuff because there's no way to make money really anymore.
	Unless you're a Taylor Swift and you can do the concerts.
	Those concerts are very expensive.
	I hate that little whore.
	I couldn't name a song.
	But the state of comedy is four or eight hundred thousand comedians.
	Now, I told you the strike story.
	800 was questionable.
	Can you imagine?
	I don't even have to imagine.
	I see it.
	I go to these clubs in Vegas and stuff, and they literally say, do you know I'm headlining?
	I go, yes, but it's Taco John's at midnight.
	I'm not even making that up.
	A little girl saw me, called me up, and said, would you do it?
	And I go, it's midnight at a taco thing.
	I did that.
	I already paid those dues.
	We pay?
	Well, how much?
	$50.
	I went like this.
	Well, thank God I'm independently wealthy.
	What you should see on Facebook, they all have headlining, headlining.
	Listen.
	Listen, I'm going to propose something to you right now.
	Remember when we went and seen Steve and Edie's show?
	It was great.
	It was great.
	Me and Alan were watching Steve and Edie.
	And I go, Alan, when we're in our, I said, 60s.
	I said, when we're in our 60s, we've got to do this show.
	Because I want to wear the dress where you go like this and the wings, with the wings.
	He would sing a song.
	Steve Lawrence and Edie Gourmet.
	Married couple that were very great entertainers and singers.
	And headliners for years and years.
	What era?
	And we went to see them at the Mirage.
	They were in the Rat Pack.
	Okay.
	We went to see them at the Mirage, and they sing together, and then he does some, then she does some.
	But at the end of one of her songs, her arms go up like this.
	Her gown is like a butterfly with wings.
	And then when she turns around, as she lifts, it all becomes wings, and your mother and I are just That sounds hilarious.
	But it's brilliantly done.
	But that's real vague.
	Did she lift off with the pulley system?
	No, then she sang and she had a great jazz voice and so did he.
	But I go, Alan, this is our act in our 60s.
	And they're like, remember, and they had these tender moments.
	We'd have to make it all up.
	Remember our son, Jason?
	We should do it just for the hell of it.
	Maybe for my birthday.
	We should.
	I want to do that show for my birthday.
	It's very funny.
	You remember when our daughter Sandy...
	It was so show business-y.
	And they're so brilliantly slick at that point.
	Because it's 50 years, you know?
	It's loungy like you like.
	The loungy thing.
	And remember how funny he was in the back?
	He was brilliantly funny.
	Very funny.
	And she was a lovely lady.
	But that gown, you don't see it coming.
	I couldn't imagine the hours that went into it.
	I would wear it down like that and the silhouette, the light was coming through the wings.
	What would be so funny if I had that and then like in really dark silhouette was a perfect like really shapely body underneath.
	Like that would be brown or something.
	Take it like this.
	That's so funny.
	That's so funny.
	Oh boy.
	Yet the Mirage is gone.
	We're going to start knocking it down.
	It's going to be the Hard Rock Giant Guitar Hotel.
	Is that what it's going to be?
	Don't they already have a Hard Rock Giant Guitar Hotel in Vegas?
	No.
	They had a Hard Rock Casino, but it wasn't a guitar.
	Their new hotels are a giant guitar, and that's actually the hotel.
	I thought Con Air and Nicolas Cage flew under that guitar.
	No, they had a sign.
	Oh, okay.
	But this is actually the hotel.
	So Hard Rock still makes, there's still a restaurant that makes money to get to a hotel?
	I haven't seen Hard Rock in 20 years.
	Well, Dice was playing the Hard Rock.
	Oh, really?
	Yep.
	And it was run, the hotel was run by Virgin.
	That's right.
	And the casino was run by the Indians, but the Indians just backed out.
	Hmm.
	So I don't know what's happening.
	Is there still a mob in Vegas?
	Huh?
	Is the Mafia still in Vegas?
	On a smaller level.
	How did they get beat out?
	How did they get out?
	No, they got beat- Howard Hughes.
	What do you mean?
	Howard Hughes moves to Vegas.
	And he's at the top of the Desert Inn.
	And they want him out.
	And he's Howard Hughes at this point, right?
	Is he the shoebox and pee jars?
	They don't know.
	That's exactly what's happening.
	Nobody sees him.
	He just has Mormons that work for him.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	And they say, he's got to get out.
	He's here too long.
	And he looks out that window, says to one of the Mormons, buy these casinos.
	No shit.
	He bought five in one day at a ridiculous, the most money spent in real estate at the time.
	He bought out the mob.
	Just so he could stay at the Desert Inn.
	Now what happened is, the mob went, yeah, we'll cash out.
	And then the Mormons turned it corporate.
	So in the old days, the mob only cared about the gambling.
	If they gave Sinatra a million bucks and they lost money on the tickets, they didn't care.
	They'd gamble.
	Every department didn't have to make money.
	With the corporates, the hotel doesn't own most of the restaurants anymore.
	And if they don't pay their rent or if they don't make a certain percentage, they throw them out.
	And it's the same with the comedy rooms.
	The casinos have nothing to do with entertainment.
	There's only maybe two or three.
	And...
	They're all owned by corporations.
	There's three corporations that own all the casinos.
	You can tell when you go.
	What do you think of comedy?
	Is it going to get big again?
	I think it is.
	It's like music.
	It's going to need something.
	It's going to need something different.
	Because it's stale as stale can be.
	And Vegas is changing.
	It's not Vegas anymore.
	What do you mean you think that there will need to be a new kind of comic to spur it on?
	Just a good one that I would settle for.
	You know, they talk about this one kid that works in the audience who's very pretty.
	Riff Rife.
	Yeah, I met Rife.
	I don't get it either.
	He's pretty and the women like him.
	Yeah, I know.
	I don't get that one.
	In my day, pretty didn't work for comedy.
	No, obviously.
	I remember Marty Allen.
	I had a mustache and went, shave it.
	Comedy doesn't work with hair on your face.
	You know, they all had their thing.
	I think there's some good comics.
	I do too.
	I think there's more and more.
	But they're not breaking through enough.
	Well, because you know why?
	Because they're doing clubs like the mothership where people lock their fucking phones up.
	Well, they're also doing...
	Lock their phones?
	You lock your phones with the mothership.
	Well, yeah, we don't want our mistakes out there.
	That's what I'm saying.
	So there is electric comedy going on at the mothership.
	It's good comedy.
	You just don't see it.
	Because they don't let you film it because you'll get Michael Richards.
	Can they do an hour, hour and a half?
	I mean, yeah.
	Some of them can.
	Some of them can.
	I'd be impressed.
	Because everybody I see farts out after 20 minutes.
	Bill Burr blows me away.
	Bill Burr, I like.
	I mean, not anymore.
	But Bill Burr is getting a little repetitive.
	He's a communist.
	Yeah, I think so too.
	His wife blows it.
	His wife is pegging him.
	His BLM shit, I can't take it.
	He's getting pegged.
	Tony Hinchcliffe, I've seen him do an hour.
	Oh, he's the biggest thing in comedy right now.
	From top to bottom, one hour at the top.
	How about Brian Holtzman?
	I haven't seen him, so I can't say.
	He's making money in comedy like he's never made before.
	I took him out on the road, oh man, in the early 90s.
	And you know he can't do the same thing twice.
	That's the funny part about him.
	You know, once he gets worked up into those rants, I'm not sure the hamster can keep up.
	And I took him to a club in Memphis.
	It was a laugh factory.
	And the guy who owned it said, listen, no Jesus jokes and no Elvis jokes.
	And I say to Brian, he says, got it.
	Oh, no.
	Oh, no.
	Elvis is fucking Jesus.
	No lie.
	First thing.
	And the owner standing next to me goes, Do you put him up to that?
	I went, yeah.
	We won't do it next show.
	I went back, you crazy motherfucker.
	I'm trying to take you to get to your career, get you working on the road.
	You gotta listen.
	And this is him telling a story.
	I just remember I kept holding Jack and Cokes.
	We went out drinking afterwards.
	And I got drunk and he'd hold it so I could go to the bathroom.
	That's what he remembers.
	Then I brought him in for the late night show.
	I mean, the sketch show.
	And he goes, I don't know how to do characters.
	I go, listen, all you have to do, you're a unique man, but you can't show it the way you're auditioning.
	Pretend you're a drill sergeant and yell.
	Pretend you're a cop and yell.
	So he shows up with this little old lady.
	Apparently he was a late in life baby.
	I thought it was his grandmother.
	It was his mother.
	And I said, that's not going to help him.
	And he goes in.
	And later on, the casting people come to me and go, would you like to see your friend?
	They pop it in, and he starts out the first minute, perfect.
	And then he goes, fucking Alan!
	Fucking Alan!
	Fucking Alan!
	Fuck!
	And I turn to them and I go, well, that's one character.
	Fuck!
	In the 90s, a jetliner went down and wiped out everybody.
	It's on the news about 6 in the afternoon.
	The show's at 8.
	He's the first one on.
	And everything's fine.
	And he goes, something about that plane.
	And they boo him.
	And he says something else.
	He can't shake stuff.
	And then he goes, What if I tell you the baby wouldn't stop crying?
	Boo!
	Boo!
	And he tells a couple other jokes.
	He goes, what if I were to tell you the toilets were stuck?
	Boo!
	He just wouldn't stop it.
	That's what I like.
	And that's how I see his act.
	He gets into these rants, and if you follow it, it's funny.
	Yeah.
	Even when it's not, because he's genuinely there.
	He's autistic.
	Yeah.
	You know, my grandson opened for him.
	A. Todd, my grandson, is doing stand-up.
	He won't let me see it.
	Let me see some tapes of your act, you know.
	He's like, no, you're not to see it.
	And then he was hosting an open mic down here.
	I said, what if I drop in?
	He goes, everyone gets five, but you get one.
	And then I go, well, what are you doing?
	And so I asked somebody else.
	They go, he's talking about wanting to fuck trannies.
	Yeah, masturbating to transsexual porn.
	That's his bit.
	Oh, my God.
	I don't want to see.
	I'm like, what are you doing?
	Well, you got to start somewhere.
	First off, I think it's great.
	One of them's doing comedy.
	No, two of them are now.
	Cosmo and Eitan.
	Oh, my guy Cosmo is?
	Cosmo.
	I told you Cosmo at the talent show.
	I told you about the joke he told.
	I told you the school talent show.
	I thought it was the other one.
	No, that's Cosmo.
	Aton's doing the stand-up here in Austin.
	I once had a neighbor that annoyed me.
	This would be four computers.
	And in the back of a magazine of the Village Voice, there was a foot fetish ad.
	And I put his address and answered it.
	And he used to get mail in those brown envelopes with little feet stamped on it.
	And he said to the post office, who keeps sending me this stuff?
	And on that note, I think we'll end this.
	Thank you so much for being here.
	We have to do more.
	Yeah, because there's a million stories.
	You didn't even tell the John Goodman coked up drunk story.
	Yeah, I want some dirt.
	Give me some fucking dirt for clips, man.
	Let's get some clips.
	John Goodman only has to do nine shows.
	Because he's doing Shakespeare rather than the Roseanne show.
	What Shakespeare was Goodman doing?
	Down in La Jolla in a 90-seat playhouse.
	So he only has to do nine shows.
	So he shows up one day on a tape day, and you know they're 14, 15 hours.
	Yeah.
	And I say, John, would you do some pickup stuff so I can put you in more episodes?
	So I'd have him shoot like five scenes.
	So it would look like he's going to get paid a lot of money.
	The mistake is thinking he could wait around that long.
	So everybody's gone.
	It's after the shoot.
	I keep two cameramen, Drew.
	Who's his friend.
	And Laurie.
	And I'm just going to bank stuff.
	So it looks like he's in the show.
	Future episodes.
	Yeah.
	So I'm sitting there on the seat and Laurie never talks to me.
	Can I talk to you?
	Yeah, what's the matter?
	Can I talk to you over there?
	Yeah.
	What's the matter?
	Look at John.
	Do you see anything different?
	And he's leaning on the Kitchen counter with his glasses on and a script.
	Looked pretty studious and like he was working to me.
	And I go, what's wrong with him?
	When have you seen him with a script?
	When have you seen him put his glasses on and look at a script?
	I go, what are you saying?
	He smells and he's high.
	I don't want to do this.
	And I've seen this guy in New York.
	This is a big boy when he's...
	Intoxicated and high.
	Yeah.
	So I don't want to confront him, so I go, Lord, go home.
	But I go home.
	Thank you.
	It's a long day.
	Thank you.
	And I go over to a camera guy, and I go, slowly walk backwards and leave.
	It's like a wild animal.
	And John's still there.
	And I go to the other camera guy, slowly walk backwards and leave.
	Now I'm sitting there, and Drew's sitting next to me.
	He goes, where'd everybody go?
	I go, home.
	He's fucked up.
	You're his friend.
	Go get the keys from his dressing room and throw them on the roof.
	And he came back, and he goes, now what?
	And I go, now go tell him.
	I'm going home.
	He ran out of there.
	I ran out of there.
	But he said he handled it well and spent the night in his dressing room.
	Wow.
	But Lori, it's the second time she talked to me.
	But she was...
	Scared?
	Yeah.
	Did she have a reason to be scared?
	Did he do stuff before?
	Well, first off, you're tired as hell.
	It's almost 16 hours later until we set up these shots.
	But he would have made a ridiculous amount of money.
	Yeah.
	But, you know, at that point, he was gone.
	Yeah.
	You know, what are you going to do?
	But...
	I just thought he was being studious.
	That's how you know.
	That's like when you get high and you're trying to pass and you're like, look, I'm reading.
	That's fucking hilarious.
	Yeah, he was really seriously like moving.
	And it was funny because usually he's animated, he's loud.
	I don't recall seeing him with the script.
	That's hilarious.
	Remember Armie Archer, the columnist?
	Yeah.
	He called up and said, my wife needs her insurance.
	Can you just stick her in a seat?
	And I'll never forget this.
	The show comes on that night and she's holding a script.
	Do you remember that?
	No.
	I went down to the director and I go, you know, do you realize she's holding a script in the scene?
	Thank God she's in the back and you can't see it.
	I said to the director, could you please direct, you know, look at hands and what they're holding?
	I didn't know that.
	Holding her script, little old lady.
	She had no lines.
	That's hilarious.
	That is so good.
	Well, on that note...
	Can we have any more dirt before we hang in?
	Because I want Roseanne dirt.
	We'll have to save the dirt for the next time.
	Okay.
	Because there's a lot of it.
	That's what we want.
	Oh, yeah.
	Or save it for your book.
	Yeah, or the book.
	Because we're going to do that.
	We could never get it all.
	There's plenty for that book.
	Oh, my God.
	I can't wait until we start writing it down.
	That's how you get your revenge.
	Oh, I'm going to tell every dirty thing the motherfuckers did.
	How they sat there like that, selling me out.
	Karma's a bitch.
	It's just hard for me to accept.
	Karma's a bitch and sell them out.
	It's like they hire Harry Belafonte and go, you're not going to do that Calypso shit, are you?
	Seriously.
	You know what I mean?
	You're not doing that Calypso shit.
	Do some Sinatra's and do some jazz standards.
	Yeah.
	Crazy.
	They just love to...
	Hack away at somebody.
	Well, they want to feel what it's like to be creative.
	That's what it is.
	It's like they find someone creative and they're like, let me give you a couple ideas and therefore...
	It'll rub off on me and I'll be just like them.
	And then not.
	And then they hate you for it.
	Like Sarah Gilbert sat in the writer's room for three months and all of a sudden she's a fucking executive producer...
	Slash writer.
	How about her?
	Her claims to fame now are The Talk, which she stole from The View, and The Conners, which she stole from You.
	So she's a TV executive.
	None of her shit's original.
	It's literally just stolen from somebody else.
	I'll tell the best Sarah story ever.
	So one day I'm talking to her.
	She's a young girl.
	And she's talking about her family and everything.
	She goes, well, I used to have a brother.
	I go, huh?
	She goes, yeah.
	I go, what happened to him?
	Where'd he go?
	Oh, I don't know.
	He's 15 and just left home one day and we never saw him again.
	I go, your brother was 15 years old.
	He just disappeared and y'all never looked for him or found him or nothing?
	She goes, yeah, you know.
	No, I don't know.
	Probably at Epstein Island.
	No, that's what she said.
	And I just stared.
	I went home and I had the heebie-jeebies.
	I couldn't fathom them.
	She goes, yeah.
	You know, he just left home one day.
	We never seen him again.
	She strikes me as a person that has deep trouble.
	Who, first of all, says, I had a brother.
	And then when he was 15, he just disappeared.
	Whatever happened?
	Never looked for him?
	No, we never looked for him.
	And she's Hollywood royalty.
	Her sister was on Little House of the Prayer.
	I know who her sister was.
	Who were the parents?
	They were TV writers.
	Oh, I didn't know that.
	Weren't they, Mom?
	Huh?
	They were famous TV writers.
	Her grandfather was.
	Well, he stole Jackie Gleason's shit.
	But my point is, she was Hollywood royalty.
	And so she created the Honeymooners.
	I don't think so.
	Yeah, that's probably where she got it.
	He probably stole that fucking show, too.
	Yeah, that's in her blood.
	Stealing other people's shit.
	Because she didn't get fucking hired for her looks.
	I hired her because she's uglier than shit.
	And I thought, fuck Hollywood.
	I'm going to get some ugly motherfuckers.
	That's where people go.
	Roseanne's show was so real.
	The kids were ugly.
	Yeah.
	Michael Fishman's the ugliest human being I've ever seen.
	Well, I wanted to have some ugly Jew-looking kids.
	You did a good job.
	I mean, Jews are not the most attractive people for the most part.
	It is unfortunate.
	Am I right?
	They're either gorgeous...
	I don't know.
	No.
	The Jews are either the most gorgeous people or just...
	Well, you could say that about everybody.
	No, but especially the Jews.
	Especially those from Europe.
	They're usually ugly.
	Yeah.
	No, the Jews from Europe are usually either very beautiful or they look like the devil himself.
	They look like the World War II cartoons, the Nazis.
	The Jews from the Middle East are mostly gorgeous.
	Yes.
	Well, everyone from the Middle East is gorgeous.
	I mean, the...
	European Jews, such as Sarah, are either just horrific looking, as she is, or gorgeous, such as Zsa Zsa Gabor was gorgeous.
	Her sister was very attractive, Melissa Gilbert.
	Until I read that she fucked Michael Landon.
	Now she's not a dirty whore, too.
	Of course she did.
	She had sex with Michael Landon, who portrayed her dad on a little whore on the prairie.
	He went to school with my dad.
	Is that alleged?
	Eugene Horowitz.
	It's true.
	Speaking of Jews, he's Eugene Horowitz.
	I know.
	Yeah.
	No, that's...
	You read it on the internet?
	I did read it.
	She had an affair with Michael Landon on the show.
	Wow.
	Which makes me not like Michael Landon and not like her.
	He couldn't have been too old because...
	She was his daughter on the show, wasn't she?
	Hollywood sucks a ass.
	Remember when they...
	Well, how about the guy that went to jail and then they rehire him?
	Yeah.
	That was the casting director for children.
	Disney is nothing but pedophiles.
	Hey, did you hear of this girl Madeline Soto that was killed at 13 and her stepfather Stephen somebody they found all this evidence on his phone that he was grooming and having sex with her since she was 8 and her mother Jen Soto.
	Blah, blah.
	And I'm reading all the stuff the mother gave her daughter to the pervert.
	Yeah.
	And on and on reading.
	And at the end it goes, they both worked for Disney.
	Of course.
	I was like, oh my God, of course they did.
	Well, you know, Drew Barrymore's mother worked at the comedy store, worked for me.
	Jade.
	Oh my God.
	One day she brings in this little girl in the dress dress.
	And all she does is tell me she's pretty little girl.
	She goes, I have an audition.
	Would you watch her?
	And it's...
	What's your name?
	And I remember she said, I'm the actress, Alan, not that kid.
	Yikes.
	Because after I babysat, I said, you want to get that kid an agent?
	I'm the actress.
	So when she makes it, you heard what happened.
	They're terrible.
	And then Corey Feldman...
	Ran with us when we were the outlaws for a while, when he was underage and doing heroin, and his father stole money.
	It's horrible what they did to them.
	And he would say, I was abused, and nobody would listen.
	No, he'd said it all the time.
	I had him on my podcast.
	Well, now he does, but at the time, nobody would listen to him.
	They don't listen to him.
	So sad.
	No, they never listen.
	And then that Nickelodeon documentary comes out, and they're like, oh my god, this is weird.
	People at Nickelodeon are pedos?
	I wrote a pilot for Nickelodeon about a kid who wants a better education, so he pretends to be a girl to go to an all-girls school.
	That's basically it.
	Good premise.
	Isn't that sweet?
	Yeah.
	Here's what I get back after I write the script, and it goes to New York.
	What makes you think we want to do a cross-dresser?
	No.
	What era was this?
	I went, who?
	10 years ago.
	I went, what crazy person read this?
	It's bosom buddies.
	It's Tootsie in high school.
	But this is what you get back from these people.
	They're probably like, yeah.
	Well, because they think pervertedly.
	Yeah, they're all pervs.
	You remember Sparky?
	He made a thing called the Straw Boney.
	It's two straws and it makes noise.
	He thinks it's something.
	So he sends it off to the straw company, and this is the letter he gets back.
	It looks like you're masturbating when you play this instrument.
	It's two straws, and you go...
	And that's in a letter to Sparky.
	Who masturbates like this?
	Who's in charge of straws that thinks that way?
	Fucking pervert.
	That's a leap.
	That is a leap.
	Yeah, what is wrong with you, sir?
	They're all degenerates.
	They are.
	Everybody at the top is nothing but a fucking degenerate.
	Thank you.
	Unbelievable.
	Now we're getting dirt.
	That's what I like.
	Can we take a break?
	Well, we can wrap up.
	We'll do more again.
	Thank you.
	Let's do more.
	Alan Stevens.
	Alan Stevens.
	I love you, Alan.
	Thank you so much for being here and telling these great stories.
	Well, thank you for allowing me to work for you to get those horrible stories.
	Well, play your cards right.
	It might happen again.
	Steven.
	I always say Steven.
	All right.
	See you all.
	God bless America.
	Fuck all these Democrats.
	Fuck them, fuck them, fuck them.

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