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Sept. 18, 1992 - Rush Limbaugh Program
21:31
19920918_S01E01
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Hiya folks and welcome to a super special edition of Rush Limbaugh the television show.
Guess what?
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, is our one-week anniversary program.
We have survived longer on the air than any of the critics thought that we would.
And now, thank you.
Thank you.
Now, we are not going to spend the entire show devoting ourselves to highlights from previous shows and other usual anniversary show topics, but we are going to have a little bit of a celebration.
It's Friday night, and Friday is the beginning of the weekend, and things are always more fun, a little lighter, a little looser.
And we intend to have a show like that tonight.
Now, I would like to show you the audience again tonight, since so many of you have been writing and commenting in the audience.
Tonight, we have a new feature in our audience.
We have some young skulls full of mush.
You see them there blindfolded.
They almost qualified to be in the regular audience tonight, but they fell short for one reason or another.
That's why you see them on the outside of the bunting.
They're smiling and they only wish they could see.
They will hear this show, but they will not be able to see it tonight.
They still have to earn their way in.
But we weren't.
We are just not cold-hearted enough to send them away.
Plus, they're all attending school, and so their futures are bright.
We'd like to welcome you all here to our show tonight and hope that you have a wonderful time.
Another thing that you can look forward to on tonight's show is...
Okay.
What?
What's going on?
Doorbell.
Okay.
Doorbell.
A doorbell.
We don't have a doorbell here.
I didn't hear a doorbell.
Thank you very much.
This is the surprise?
Not you?
No.
Okay, this box is moving.
Do you like this tie?
It's a great old one.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, my gosh, you.
You people don't know who this is.
Ladies and gentlemen, look at this.
This is Jeb Stewart.
Jeb, this little dog belongs to our executive producer Roger Ailes and his lovely and gracious wife Norma.
And I met Jeb the first time I went to their house, and I think Jeb is the most beautiful dog animal I have ever seen.
And even though he's shaking, it's because he's got star-struckness.
He loves me.
And I think Jeb is absolutely so cute.
Look at this.
Jeb will let you do anything?
Watch this.
Watch this.
Now, this may not fly, because Jeb and the animal rights people are going to give us a little bit.
Jeb, Jeb.
Now, watch, folks.
He loves me so much.
He trusts me so much.
I just love this little dog.
Now, there's also something else in this box.
We have here, ladies and gentlemen, a copy of Earth in the Lurch.
Earth in the Balance by Senator Bohr, the Gore.
And we are going to run a little.
Jeb, it's okay.
We are going to rip at random a page.
Let's do it now.
Would you hold Jeb for me for a second?
Jim.
I don't want to let go.
Okay, do we have, ah, there it is.
There it is.
I know what's going to happen here.
Bring it out, Nick.
Bring it up.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to rip at random a page from Earth in the Lurch, Senator Gore's book.
I have now ripped a page out of the book.
I don't even know what.
I'm going to wad the page up.
Here we have beef.
Ground sirloin.
I am going to take some ground sirloin and I'm going to wrap this page of Senator Gore's in the ground sirloin.
Here, Nick, come get this, Nick.
I need to use the saucer.
There you go.
There you go.
Look at Jeb.
He's relaxed.
All right.
Let's bring it back over here.
There, my friends, is a page from Senator Gore's book.
Let's see if Jeb will swallow any of the words on him.
Senator Gore's book.
See it, Richard.
Come on, Jeb.
Well, my friends, not even the official dog of Rush Limbaugh, the television show, will swallow any of the words on Senator Gore's book.
And neither should you.
And we'll be back in a moment.
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Hi, Rush.
It's Mary Madeline, your biggest fan and most prolific pen pal.
What can I say?
Now that I can see you, I don't have to fantasize anymore.
Happy one-week anniversary.
We love you.
Mega Ditto from all of us.
Happy anniversary.
Wah.
Oh, Wood, it was so.
Oh, welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to our anniversary show.
Now, we've got not much time left when you devote your show to animals.
They are so cute that they tend to take up some.
So follow me here very closely.
As I know, I told you to our anniversary show.
First thing, I predicted earlier this week that this book, The Way Things Ought to Be, by me, would indeed become number one on the New York Times bestseller list by September 27th.
I got a phone call at 6 o'clock Thursday morning from my editor.
It has become number one on the New York Times bestseller list.
And thank you.
Thank you.
And it is the fastest-selling non-fiction book in history.
And I owe it all to you.
Thank you very much from the...
You thought I was going to say me, didn't you?
Um...
Also, we're getting some congratulatory faxes in here very quickly.
Dear Rush, congratulations.
I've caught your TV program for the first time.
It airs at midnight where I live in Sioux City.
You were absolutely outstanding.
Your closing comments about President Nixon's advice to President Bush were cogent and, as always, right on target.
This is where I said Nixon was wrong to tell the president to avoid the moral issue.
That was on our star-studded and superb Wednesday night show.
Dear Mr. Limbaugh, may I suggest you screen your TV audience to present Tom, Dick, or Hillary from getting in on a good thing.
Let's get this politically correct for the non-believers.
This is a viewer from Reading, Pennsylvania.
I don't, speaking of the Clintons, let me tell you something.
I'm going to have to expand on this in a future program.
They are investigating my background.
I am not making this up.
They are looking into trying to discredit me.
And as I say, folks, I mean, it's kind of a cute thing because there's nothing in my background that is the slightest embarrassing.
It could ever really discredit me, but they're doing it.
And I will give you greater details on a forthcoming program.
Also, I just wanted to share something.
This is something my friends and I do all the time, just to have a little fun.
We all eat Chinese food.
You go to a Chinese restaurant, and at the end of the meal, you get a fortune cookie.
It is fun to add two words to the end of every fortune.
The words are in bed.
Let's crack the fortune cookie and just see it always works.
You are independent politically in bed.
Let's just try another one here.
It's fun to do.
See what this one says.
You are never bitter, deceptive, or petty in bed.
Let's do one more.
Let's do this one more.
Okay.
What is this one?
Our first and oh, God.
Our first and last love is self-love in the air.
See how...
Oh, the doorbell.
I finally hear the doorbell.
I didn't even know we had a doorbell in our studio.
And here comes, once again, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Normally I thought that you got a kiss.
She thought about it, but turned and walked the other way.
And that, you know, that is, you know, just, it's just like women.
It really is.
Cats, women, just like everybody talks about cats versus dogs.
That's why I love dogs.
You saw how Judge Stewart's loyal to me and loves me.
But cats are a different thing.
You say, here, kitty, kitty, kitty, and cats are just like women.
You say, hey, hang on, come here, come here.
They say, you know, get this look on their faces, and I go to hell, and they turn around and walk the other way.
Where is this from?
Dear Rush, wish I could be there for your first anniversary show, but since I can't, I thought I'd send a memento for you to appreciate.
Tony Lobianco.
P.S. Thanks for my fame.
Oh, no.
Oh, there it is.
Folks, that is Lobianco.
For those of you who are regular listeners to the radio program, this is one of the nicest guys and one of the most fun people that I work with of all.
And he's got this knack of having himself photographed on some of the strangest places.
He's got a photograph like this while he's sitting at Peter Jennings' desk on World News tonight.
He's snuck into a number of places, and they obviously got him in here for this show.
Here's the picture I'm holding it here.
We better take a break if we're going to have time for anything left.
So let's take the break, and we'll come back and get started with some of the other things.
We have highlights from previous shows we'd like to share with you on tonight.
Well, we do.
We do.
On an anniversary show, you show highlights, previous shows, and we have some.
And we're not going to have time to get them all in, but we're going to try.
And who knows what else?
So stay right there.
We'll be right back.
And I hope that his television show is on primetime all over America.
I'll tell you, folks, see, we've made it one week, and we've got all of this, and they said that it couldn't be done.
And I see the Mary Madeline kiss and I say, how can I get her to dump that Carville guy?
You know, Clinton's, he looks like he got off a UFO.
She can't be in love with this guy.
I mean, he's a nice guy.
I've met him.
He's cutthroat.
He's very good at what he does.
He looks like he got up a UFO.
Let's see.
A lot of people, ladies and gentlemen, and many of you may be among the group about whom I'm now going to speak.
I have been inundated all week with reactions from you people who say, good, Rush, this show looks so bad.
I'm glad you're going to go down in flames and everything else with you is going to go down too.
And I know liberals are sending that stuff in, hoping we bomb out here.
And I hope you're getting the idea from tonight's show that we're here for as long as we want to be here.
And that's our goal.
We're not going away till all of America agrees with me.
Now, let me just share with you, let me just share.
You people, let me just tell you how well we're doing in our first week.
This is from the Hollywood Reporter, a trade magazine.
We've got a report of rating success here.
Multimedia's new talk entry, Rush Limbaugh, posted a metered market average of a 2.5 1.0, or 2.510 for the night, up one SharePoint on the time period delivery for last year.
We flexed our muscles in various markets, including Indianapolis, where at 1.30 in the morning, people got out of bed to turn on their television shows and watch this program.
They actually set their alarms, we've been told, and got out of bed.
They haven't figured out how to program their VCRs yet.
So they get out of bed, and they've got a 2.5, 1.6 coming out of Letterman, which had the same thing.
We lost nothing.
In Cairo, Seattle, KIRO, we built the audience that we had given to us coming out of the CBS late night offerings.
And this fax is replete with these kinds of success stories all across the country.
We own Sacramento.
We're on our way to owning Atlanta.
We're on our way to owning Dallas.
And we're even on our way to owning New York.
I mean, it is just going to be Richard.
And we have only just begun.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, because many of you expect meat, many of you expect substance, many of you expect wisdom and devotion to issues from me, I'm going to tell you about something that happened recently in Minneapolis, actually in St. Paul.
I don't know if you know this or not, but Christopher Columbus has been accused of being the scourge of the modern world.
He is responsible for bigotry, for sexism, for homophobia, for all kinds of evils.
If it weren't for Columbus, why the Indians would still be at one with nature and own the North American continent, and there'd be more trees and there'd be more buffalo and there'd be more bison and there would be no white people and America would be better.
This is what they say.
This is what multiculturals say, that Western culture ruined it and it was all started by Columbus.
They put him on trial in St. Paul, Minnesota.
A mock trial.
It's been going on for a while.
Jurors found him guilty of slavery, torture, murder, forced labor, kidnapping, violence, and robbery during his reign as governor of Hispanolia.
But not to worry.
Minnesota is a very liberal state.
He'll probably get a 30-day suspended sentence in the outer street.
And Chris, if you don't like that, come to New York, do the same stuff, and maybe kill somebody, and you only get 15-day suspended sentence.
So all is not lost.
Highlights from previous shows.
What we'd like to do now, ladies and gentlemen, is take you to my monitor here and share with you.
We polled the staff.
What do you think was one of the biggest highlights of one of our previous shows?
And it comes from a show earlier on in the week regarding a visit here by our first guest.
Let me show this to you so that you can remember it if you saw it.
Hey, where is the poster of Clinton?
Where is it?
Where is it?
Bring in the poster of.
I forgot to bring that in.
Wait, wait, let me.
Shouldn't you push this?
Let me put this.
Put this over here.
I want to talk so it doesn't mean.
Now, watch this.
Watch this.
This is really great TV.
What you have to do, move these encyclopedias.
Good, it cracks.
It cracks.
Here, I'll do it.
We have a guest on tonight's show.
Let me put it in the chair.
Back here.
Here.
Put it over here.
Guest.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
That, my friends, is exactly where's the mute button on here.
Let's just stop it.
That is what one of our previous highlights was.
And since we don't have time, ladies and gentlemen, to send you all of our highlights, let's just play you some of our highlights from previous shows that you saw.
Take a gander at them as we go to a break.
Highlights from previous shows on this, our one-week anniversary of Rush Limbaugh, the television show.
We'll be back with more after you get a gander of some of these.
In fact, my friends, so you can see more of the highlights from previous shows.
There they are.
Me at my best.
Thank you.
We'll be back in just a minute.
And we, your dittoheads, stay as sweet as you are.
Congratulations on your one-week anniversary, Rush.
She's got to be here if she videotaped that sitting in this chair.
Is she here?
Hey, how did I do so?
Wait a sec.
Wait a second.
I got it.
Mother, I'm showing highlights of shows in the here.
Hang on, hang on.
There we go.
You can't beat this.
Is that my mom?
That's my brother.
Oh, good.
They're coming out here.
Oh, geez.
I heard, I'm sitting here and I hear her singing.
She used to be a big singer in clubs in Chicago.
I hear her singing that stuff, and I say, whoa, this has been a night full of surprises.
Well, don't you come here?
Come here, come here, come over here.
Absolutely.
You absolutely beautiful.
I've got.
I've got my earlier.
You dropped what?
My ears.
I'm not easy.
She dropped her earring here.
It's all right.
It's all right.
How are you, Dave?
It's my brother David here, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, so what do you think?
I mean, have you seen all of these this week?
Most of them.
Yes.
Yeah?
You know how.
Have you liked it?
Have you liked it?
Oh, it's wonderful.
Just wonderful.
Look, right, right there.
What?
I feel like saying you'll time me here.
I love that.
When did you get, when did you get in here?
We can lie now.
Now we can tell the truth.
We came in last night.
I called you from New York pretending to be.
You know, let me tell you something.
I have been suspicious.
I have been suspicious because I got a call at 6 o'clock Thursday morning from the publisher telling me that the book had gone to number one on the New York Times list.
And I wanted to, I called you first.
I called you at 7 o'clock in the morning, your time.
I thought you'd be up by then and you, and there's no answer.
So I thought, my gosh, there's been a storm.
So I called Pop.
Uh-oh.
I called Pop.
My grandfather would be 101 years old on September 27th.
And I told him about it.
Just wanted to find out if the phones worked.
And he said that you all had come to see me.
And I said, no, Pop, I chalked it up, the fact that he didn't know it because he's 101.
And he knew it.
So I've been wondering all day if it's.
Well, this is look, folks, you're running out of.
Yeah, we've only got a minute.
What?
What?
Is it true?
They're really trying to investigate your background.
It is.
No, no, no.
That's actually true.
I want to make an offer.
No, I mean, they have investigated it.
I mean, the Clinton campaign they did.
I'll tell you about it next week on the show.
Where is Jeb Stewart?
Where is Jeb?
I want to do one more thing before we go.
Somebody get it.
Mother, go ahead and grab the dog.
Would you grab the dog?
Bring the dog in here.
Sandy, it's Jeb.
Here, Jeb is paper trained.
Jeb is paper trained.
He's been here for a whole show, and he hadn't done anything yet.
So we found another use for a page out of Senator Gore's book.
Here, Jeb.
Hey, Jeb.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
It's okay, Jeb.
We won't watch.
We won't.
Isn't that the most beautiful dog?
Folks, I hope you have a great weekend.
We will be back.
Don't forget your cake.
I didn't even know I had a cake.
We're going to eat it.
We'll see you next week.
Have a great weekend.
The Monday.
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