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Dec. 19, 2019 - Radio Free Nortwest - H.A. Covington
43:14
20191219_rfn-2
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Sorrow killed the name of 98 Yet like God it still is beating Hearts in mackerel's morning noon Who would follow in their footsteps At the rising of the moon At the rising of the moon At the rising of the moon Who would follow in their footsteps At the rising of the moon At the
rising of the moon At
the rising
of the moon At the rising
of the moon There's mischief and mayhem And songs to be sung There's bells and there's holly The kids are gung-ho True love finds a kiss beneath fresh mistletoe Some families are messed up While others
are fine If you think yours is crazy Well you should see mine My sisters are whack jobs I wish I had none Their husbands are losers And so
are their sons My nephew's a horrible wise little twit He once gave me a nice gift wrap box for shit He likes to pick up the carolers He likes to build carolers with icy snowballs I'd like to take them out I'd like to take them out back and deck more than the halls With family like this I would have to confess I guess I'd be better off I'd be better off alone They'd distraught and oppressed The seasons upon us It's that time
of year Brandy and eggnog There's plenty of cheer There's lights on the trees And there's reefs to be hung There's mischief and mayhem And songs to be sung They call this Christmas where I'm from My mum likes to
cook, push our buttons and grod My brother just brought home another big broad Another big broad The eyes roll and whispers come loud from the kitchen I'd come home more often if they'd only quit bitching Dad on the other hand's a selfish old sod Drinks whiskey
alone with my miserable dog Who won't run off at Jerry couldn't kill us He defiled my teddy bear and left me the mess The seasons upon us It's that time of year Brandy and eggnog There's plenty of cheer There's lights on the trees And there's reefs to be hung There's mischief and mayhem And songs to be sung They call this
Christmas where I'm from The table set We raise the toes The
Father, Son and the Holy Ghost I'm so glad this day only comes once a year You can keep your opinions Your presents Happy New Year They call this Christmas where I'm from They call this Christmas where I'm from They call this Christmas where I'm from They call this Christmas where I'm from The
Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The
Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas My friends won't let me join in any games And I can't sing Christmas songs Or decorate a Christmas tree Or leave water out for Rudolph Cause there's something
wrong with me My people don't believe in Jesus Christ divinity I'm a Jew A lonely Jew On Christmas Hanukkah is nice but why is it That Santa passes over my house every year And instead of eating ham I have to
eat Kosher lat keys Instead of Silent Night I'm singing Hu-hach-to-kavish And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles?
Tell me please I'm a Jew A lonely Jew I can't be married I can't be married Cause I'm Hebrew I'm a Jew On Christmas I'm a Jew On Christmas On Christmas Hey little boy I'm a Jew Hey little boy I couldn't help but hear You're feeling left out of Christmas cheer But I've come to say
I've come to say that you shouldn't be sad This is the one month that you should be glad Cause it's nice to be a Jew On Christmas You don't have to deal with the season at all You don't have to be on your best behavior or give to charity You don't have to go to grandma's house with your alcoholic family And I don't have to sit
on some big Santa's lap and have him breathe your stinky breath on me That's right You're a Jew A styling Jew June.
It's a good time to be Hebrew on Christmas.
Some time ago at Santa's Place, up in the Old North Pole, there lived a lamp of an empresite whose barn is called James Earl.
Joel, Joel, the lump of coal, happy as a lump can be.
He just wants to keep Santa warm and make the ice go easy.
That Santa Claus had other plans for Joe and Faith today Joe and Jessica and Bonnie come join me all night soon Joe told her uncle
poor, his heart left out for joy I'll soon be Santa's present to a lucky girl, but I We'll laugh and play together, and we'll hold each other tight We'll snuggle a line to clean our cheeks when we go to sleep at night Then Santa's ours, I'll laugh and go, you're in for a surprise
You're not a special Christmas gift.
You're just a booby prize What kid would ever want you?
You're filthy as can be And now you have to go and live With one who's been naughty That I make here Pools don't cry in electricity You pollute the air With CO2 and mercury John, John, the lump of coal Fell down upon his knees
I don't want to live with a naughty kid.
Don't make me Santa, please.
But Santa laughed.
His jolly laugh.
Ho, ho, you stupid lump.
You're just the thing.
The judge that's right.
That Santa ain't no chump.
So off they flew and before he...
Joel was in his sack He cried and yelled to Santa Claus Why don't we just go back?
And then came Christmas morning And much to Joel's surprise He saw a boy with the saddest face And tears were in his eyes It's true I've been a naughty boy, and maybe that's a scene.
But if this is how Santa treats the kids, I'm just glad that I'm not him.
Joel, Joel, the lump of coal, knew what he must do.
He said, now I know the reason why I got sent to you.
Cause when a person hurts inside, it turns him hard and cruel.
But I know how to make your pain into a precious drool.
So take me in your hand, young man, and squeeze with all your might.
Let's turn your pain and anger into something that shines good.
Joel, Joel, the lump of coal who gave this life away.
So the one good naughty little boy got a diamond on Christmas day.
I
I'm drinking Just like the ones I used to know Where the treetops glisten And
children listen to hear Sleigh bells in the snow Be
Your eyes.
May your
May your days be merry and bright And may all your Christmases be white Said
come knit your coat on, going to the mall.
You're gonna visit Santa.
It stood upon his name.
But all that I could think about was how not to cut the cheese.
Waiting there for Santa, I thought that I'd explode.
The gas bubble grew bigger with every ho-ho-ho.
I tried my best to hide it, but I was doing swell.
But when I sat down on Santa's lap, he hollered, "What's that smell?" I farted on Santa's lap, that was less disgusting for me.
I farted on Santa's lap, now I'll get down under my Christmas tree.
I asked him for a baseball.
I asked him for a bat.
I asked him for some ice skates, but I'll get none of that.
I asked him for a lot of things I'll have to do without.
So I sat down on Santa's lap.
I let one slip out.
I put it on Santa's lap.
That was less than a stick for me I flirted on Santa's black dog And ripped my Christmas tree Christmas Eve, I snuck out of my bed without a sound.
I went down to the living room just to take a look around.
But then I saw Santa as to the Christmas tree.
His arms were full of presents, and they were all for me.
I put them on a pile, got up to turn around, and blew a fart with the sixth great four-star tree almost came down.
So I'll always cherish that special moment again.
I realize even old stuff makes a corpse one now and then.
I farted on Santa's luck, and Christmas didn't seem for me.
I farted on Santa's luck, and took a look on my Christmas tree.
I farted on Santa's luck, and took a look on my Christmas tree.
T 'was the night before Christmas, and with his parents and siblings fast asleep in their beds, little Timmy decided to sneak downstairs and open his presents early.
He was filled with excitement as he began to open everything.
But when he finally got to his own present, Timmy was left looking down at a cold, hard lump of coal.
The room went cold and he could hear the rattling of chains behind him.
This year there would be no visit from Santa.
For those who misbehave will only be greeted by the shadow of Saint Nicholas.
The demon of Christmas.
Krampus.
Krampus.
To many of us Christmas means a time of joy, togetherness and family.
But if we're being honest as kids it also meant no school and a bunch of presents.
There are those however unfortunate enough to experience the dark side of Christmas.
Those who never got their visit from Santa.
Misbehave and you'll be on Santa's naughty list.
But what if that list was more than just misbehaving children?
What if that list was intended for someone else?
There's nothing like tales of a demon who drowns, eats and drags children off to hell to really get you into the Christmas mood.
Jokes aside, Krampus is one of my personal favorites.
Stories of Krampus have appeared throughout Central Europe as far back as pre-Christian Alpine tradition.
This area covers a host of countries from Austria, Germany and Switzerland to parts of France, Northern Italy, the Czech Republic and Slovenia.
Modern Tales depicts him as the not-so-friendly companion of Saint Nicholas or Santa Claus, who punishes the poorly behaved while Saint Nicholas rewards those who have been good.
However, it may not have always been that way.
When discussing Krampus, there are two distinct periods of time that give us entirely different stories.
The initial period of pagan tradition, and then the period after of Christian tradition.
We honestly don't know much about his earliest origin because most pagan traditions were either forgotten or absorbed into Christian traditions.
The most common belief is that Krampus may have originated from a horn deity.
And we know this extends further than just pagan beliefs because horn gods have existed in multiple cultures across the world.
There is a similarity between Krampus and the ancient greek satyr both being quite rowdy and mischievous but one is clearly more evil than the other.
In old high german the word krampen meant claw which could refer to a clawed monster but just like everything else surrounding his origins it's all pretty ambiguous.
The closest connection we can draw between Krampus' pre- and post-Christian Alpine traditions are pagan festivals that took place during the winter, similar to Yule or Winter Solstice.
During these festivals, men would dress up in masks and animal furs and parade around villages being a nuisance, which is something they still do today, but we'll get into that a little bit later.
So far, there's not been much to suggest that Krampus ever had anything to do with Christmas or Santa Claus, other than appearing at a similar time in the year.
In both Austria and Germany, it wasn't uncommon for individuals to wear a devilish mask and make a nuisance of themselves during holidays which honoured Christian saints.
This wasn't done as a tradition honouring Krampus, more so a pushback against the church, which had been phasing out these pagan beliefs and traditions.
You can however make the argument that this would be the start of what we would see in the years that followed.
If we go even further back, the closest thing we have to an origin for Krampus comes from a figure known in Austria as Percter.
She was mentioned very briefly by the Brothers Grimm, and the best way I can describe her is as a combination of Santa Claus and Krampus.
Rather than having the concept of good and evil shown by two separate entities, Perkta represented both the reward and the punishment.
Around mid-winter, during what we would refer to as the 12 days of Christmas or the Feast of the Epiphany, she would visit the homes of children.
If they were good, then they would find a silver coin in one of their shoes the next morning.
Sounds a lot like Saint Nicholas, right?
No.
Because if they were bad she would slit open their bellies, remove their stomach and guts and fill the cavity with straw and pebbles before sewing it shut again.
This also extended to anyone who ate anything other than meat, fish or gruel during the day of her festival.
To symbolize this duality she appeared as a beautiful woman dressed in white and other times as a withered old hag.
Accompanying her were a group of spirits known as the Perkton.
Who just like Perkta also appeared in two different forms.
The beautiful Perkton who bought with them good fortune and the ugly Perkton who had fangs, tusks and horse tails, not too different from Krampus himself.
The ugly Perkton were used to ward off spirits and demons in one's home, similar to Halloween but in December.
This led to men dressing up as these ugly Perkton and going from house to house driving out evil spirits.
In what was known as the Perktonlauf, or the Perkton run.
The church then seeing these celebrations as a demonstration of immoral behaviour tried to stop these runs from taking place.
But many Austrian villages just refused to comply, whilst others chose to dress someone up as Saint Nicholas to accompany them on these runs as somewhat of a compromise.
Around the 11th century, stories of Saint Nicholas began to gain popularity.
And this continued until the 16th century where the form of Krampus that we know today really began to manifest.
The church, still locked in a battle with the Austrian people over the Perkton, decided to just outright ban the Perktonlauf.
Not willing to give up entirely, the people then created a new creature, similar to the Perkton in appearance but with a few key changes.
This creature would now serve Saint Nicholas and would be known as Krampus.
A hairy, horned and hoofed demonic figure with sharp fangs, long claws and an even longer tongue.
At this point in time he wasn't considered the only one of his kind.
The Krampus referred to a race of monsters that appeared during the Yule period.
During this period Christians would celebrate Saint Nicholas.
December 6th was known as Saint Nicholas Day.
Much like modern day Christmas Saint Nicholas would deliver presents to those who had been good.
Those who were not so good would get either a lump of coal or a twig.
To the church the idea of these Krampus figures was still a symbol of heathenism and so they decided to assimilate this belief into their own existing winter ceremonies.
Krampus was then paired with Saint Nicholas, one symbolised good and the other evil.
He would then become associated with the idea of the Christian devil.
He was given chains to symbolize the binding of the devil by the church.
He now carried around birch sticks that he would use to beat misbehaving children with.
On his back he had a basket or a sack that he would throw those naughty children in when dragging them off to hell.
If you were extremely poorly behaved you may even be drowned or eaten.
The night before Saint Nicholas Day now became Krampusnacht, meaning Krampus night.
December 5th was the day this demon was allowed to roam the streets and villages.
It was no longer Saint Nicholas giving you a twig or a lump of coal.
He was only concerned with the good children.
The punishment of the rest fell to Krampus.
It was fairly common for the church to integrate ideas and traditions from other cultures into their own when attempting to convert those from a different faith.
And it does make sense.
Just turning up on someone's doorstep and telling them to stop believing in what they do because they're going to hell normally elicits a negative reaction.
Instead, showing them that there is a common ground in your beliefs is much more effective.
In this case, it was more so the Austrian people who adapted their beliefs into something more palatable to the church.
And so the story of Saint Nicholas and Krampus is a good example of how a heathen belief was integrated, despite the major differences.
The tradition of Saint Nicholas day went through quite a major shift as a result of this.
Going from Saint Nicholas leaving you a twig if you were poorly behaved to being dragged off to hell by this giant demon goat monster.
But if you were lucky maybe you'd just be eaten or drowned in a lake.
Quite the tonal shift.
By the 16th century stories of Saint Nicholas began to be replaced.
He now became Santa Claus, deriving from his Dutch name Sinterklaas or Father Christmas if you live in the UK.
Stories of Krampus remain largely the same and December 5th was still considered a Krampus night in many countries.
With Christmas being celebrated on the 25th it's only natural to then want to move Krampus night to Christmas Eve for those outside of the Alpine region and that's why you may see this in various stories and movies despite these celebrations and festivals taking place in early December.
These celebrations can vary depending on the region.
They often involve wearing a wooden mask, dressing up in fur and attempting to look as terrifying as possible.
In some towns it's more humorous and in others it's slightly more scary but it's all mostly done in good fun.
The most popular of these traditions is the Krampuslauf or the Krampus run which is essentially the same as the Perktonlauf.
Groups of people dress up as Krampus wearing large bells so they can be heard as they roam the streets in packs accompanied by a Saint Nicholas.
What exactly they do depends on how they're feeling.
Some just scare children and passers-by, some throw snow at them and others whip them around the back of the leg.
Then you have those who visit houses given presents and in exchange they're given schnapps and brandy.
So it's pretty much just adult trick-or-treating.
And it's also a pretty good excuse to walk around being a massive douche for a day.
In parts of Austria twigs would be painted gold and left around the house all year round as a reminder for children to behave.
In the 1800s Krampus could be found on greeting cards, postcards and on the wrappers of candy.
These depictions were rather odd and often quite distasteful.
They feature Krampus as a more devilish figure with a sexual undertone.
And this stems from those enlarged cities never really seeing these traditions.
All they had to go by was the word of the church, who equated Krampus to the devil.
In terms of his story, these images do make sense.
But it's not hard to imagine why some wouldn't find them suitable.
It's also why over the years they've gone from frightening to more comical, in order to appeal to a larger audience.
What's nice to see is that these festivals and Krampus runs still take place today.
And not just in towns and cities within Austria and Germany, but all around the world, even popping up in parts of North America.
There's no doubt that stories of Krampus and those predating him have a dark tone to them, but to say that he's just evil doesn't really tell the whole story.
Before they were Christianized, the Perctons served as protective spirits, and Krampus only really came to as Saint Nicholas' companion as a way to keep these traditions alive.
Even then he merely punishes those who were deemed as deserving.
He doesn't commit acts of evil against the innocent and therefore he can be seen as representing a necessary evil.
For many this whole spectacle was and still is a time of fun and expression.
Even today families take their children to these events and festivals.
To them Krampus is more of a Disney villain than a terrifying demonic story.
To me Krampus and Saint Nicholas represent our very own nature.
We can be good, and we can be evil.
But in order for society to function, you need incentive for the good, and you need consequence for the bad.
even if that is in the form of a hairy demonic goat monster.
It's Christmas time, there's always much to do.
I'd rather spend my time and be with you I'm overcome with fear and sadness Baby, save me from this madness By doing something I would like to do Go shopping
When cars start stopping Outside it's snowing And ten below It's better warming by the fireside Where yuletide candles glow I don't want to hear those tailbands We don't need shopping
It gets me hopping We could be bopping With old King Cole Instead of trudging through the ice and
snow Once in
your life, make it matter For once in your life,
let it be In saving...
Out forever and ever and ever just to do it all over again.
Great time, great time.
Got me dreaming of home.
Great time, great time.
Fills my heart full of hope.
Do you remember the good old days when all the children were cheering?
Well, there are times around my friends, Santa's nearly here.
Christmastime, Christmastime, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Seasons come, seasons come, winter's song, a time for change is here.
A time for a change must be here.
So say no, you're loving out into the world.
It's your peace.
Do you remember the good old days when all the children were cheering?
Well, there are times around my friends, Santa's nearly here.
Christmastime, Christmastime, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Christmastime, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
She's an aristide, I'm working class.
And I treated her real bad.
I never got to apologize.
About the man who made you sad.
'Cause I was If
I'm worth it.
We drank into the morning light like we were never going home.
And we sang a song a million sing just like we scored a goal.
I must have made promises I couldn't keep.
But if you trust a fool then a fool you will be.
But I looked into your eyes and sold you a dream.
Then we fed the scene where we met on Christmas Eve.
Where we met on Christmas Eve.
Where we met on Christmas Eve.
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