2024 is off to a great start. New Epstein documents drop, Mike Flynn tweets that #PizzagateIsReal, and kraft retailer Etsy is being accused of selling ‘bespoke children’ on their marketplace. It’s a throwback QAA-style ep where Julian, Jake, and Travis begin to unravel at the realization that they’re about to relive 2016 for the seventh year in a row. Is Etsy really engaged in human trafficking? Is Pizzagate actually real? Are there still unanswered questions about the Epstein scandal? No, no, and yes.
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Music by Pontus Berghe. Editing by Corey Klotz.
https://qanonanonymous.com
Welcome, listeners, to the 262nd chapter of the QAA podcast, the Etsy, Pizzagate, and Epstein episode.
As always, we are your hosts, Jake Rakitansky, Julian Field, and Travis View.
The boys are back in town, and by that, I mean a couple of things.
First up, we've got a Classico.
That's right.
It's just me, Jake, and Travis.
And second up, boys are for sale on Etsy.
You can go and purchase young children Uh, for your pleasure on the website Etsy.
If this is being debunked, it won't be by me.
It'll be later in the episode by Jake, who has been put at the helm of our main episodes while Travis and I are tied up.
Terrible idea, by the way.
Tied up in miniseries.
Do not send me, do not send me to go figure out newsy stuff.
I, this is not my strength.
So what, what ends up happening is it's just me.
I'm gooning, but instead of gooning pornography, it's like a hundred tabs of like different articles open.
And I'm trying to decipher who's, who's worth quoting.
What's trash.
Can I even do this?
Travis, why, where are you?
You know, stuff like that.
It sounds like you understand the process.
Yeah, and that's how it works.
A hundred taps until you get paranoid about who is trustworthy and what is relevant.
No, you got it.
Yeah.
Basically, we kind of like back Jake up until he fell backwards off a cliff and he just keeps hitting the names of famous pedophiles as he tumbles down.
A rocky crag.
Losing bits of himself along the way.
I don't know if I'm going to land on rock.
I don't know if I'm going to land on snow.
It's going to be one of the two and maybe I'll survive.
You're going to land in my lap and I'm going to hold you to my breast like a newborn little baby and it'll be beautiful.
So we've got Etsy, as I said.
We've also, of course, got the re-re-re-re-re revival of Pizzagate.
Everybody wants this back.
Everybody wants the old flavor.
It's like the 80s and 90s and aughts came back in fashion.
We've got people going back to Pizzagate for the good stuff, because let's be honest.
Pedophilia, boring, but the idea that there's secret coded pizzas related stuff, much more fun, much more interesting.
Plus you can put a picture of a pizza up and it's like not technically illegal, but it's tantalizing for these people.
Anyways, they're hungry.
We're hungry and we're back.
Epstein is our third topic.
We've got documents, obviously, being released by the courts that implicate a variety of people, including the husband of our future president, Bill Clinton, and the husband of our ex-First Lady, Donald Trump.
So two kings, two kings in the castle, the castle being pedophilia.
All right, I guess we could jump right in and if anything is wrong, you know, you can always write straight into Jake.
I'm sure he's not got anything wrong.
He never misses.
He's our sharpshooter.
You know, I'm pretty, I think, I think I poured over this too much.
So I, you know, I'm pretty confident that I've gotten Nothing wrong, actually, and it's all right.
And I'm going to break away and apply for a talking head position on one of the MSNBC shows.
I don't know which one yet.
I'm sure they're all going to be lining up after this episode comes out.
Hey, as long as you pair whatever work you do with being a strong voice for Zionism, you'll be fine, Jake.
You can have a position.
I hear they're getting rid of a couple of troublesome, somewhat left anchors who might have had a show here or there that were a little too challenging of their guests when it came to the topic.
While some of you were perusing the popular online marketplace Etsy in early December of last year, searching for last-minute holiday presents, another group of folks were also furiously searching the website for evidence proving that the massive online retailer was facilitating child trafficking.
I like that it's Etsy this time, which would mean that there are, like, bespoke homies for sale.
Bespoke children.
They're dressed in old throwback outfits and stuff, you know?
Very good return policy on Etsy, too.
If you don't like your child, you can get another one.
You can actually pick your child based on the astrological sign now?
Sadly, for those of us living in the current timeline, conspiracy theorists accusing an online shop of not-so-secretly selling children is old hat, as they say.
They also sell old hats on Etsy.
You can't also get old hats.
And a child underneath them.
Pick up the hat.
What's underneath?
Oh!
It's like a bell.
It's a mystery.
It's a mystery dragon egg.
Open your dragon egg and a new young dragon featured inside.
Collect them all.
In 2020, the furniture shipping website Wayfair came under fire for carrying exorbitantly priced furniture named after what conspiracy theorists believed were missing children.
Despite one of the girls believed missing, posting to Instagram that she was safely at home, that did not stop QAnon and QAdjacent followers from bombarding the internet with theories about the website.
It got so persistent, in fact, that the Department of Homeland Security You're doing it!
You're doing it guys!
investigations to make sure that the Wayfair stuff was just bullshit. So, real
investigations into trafficked children on hold because of posts. So, do with that
information what you will. You're doing it, you're doing it guys, you're helping.
And it was bullshit of course.
The company itself responded with the explanation that some of the outrageous-seeming pricing was due to a technical glitch in the website's code, as is the case with many other large online retail sites.
And after a little while, people moved on to the next conspiracy theory.
But now, almost exactly three years later, here we go again with a different website.
The story is the same.
Shady-looking pictures and products appeared on Etsy with outrageously high prices.
The story seemed to break with Twitter account AtNicole, spelled with a Q, 1776, a pro-QAnon account with nearly 14,000 followers on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
According to an article written by Alex Kaplan for Media Matters,
Nicole posted this on December 10th of last year.
Don't let them gaslight you anymore. Who in their right mind pays $9,000
for a download of a picture of pizza? Hint. Zoom in.
And this is two different awful looking pizzas with the boxes open and there's a phone propped up on the right box above what looks like a kind of meat and pepperoni disaster.
These are not good looking pizzas, folks.
They're not just not good looking.
The pizzas are too large for the boxes so the edges of the pizzas are folded up against the side of the box.
Not real pizzas.
You fucked this up.
And it's from a seller called A Crafty Colorist.
So, what happened when they zoomed into the phone, which is what I'm assuming they're referring to here.
So, when you zoom in on the cell phone balanced inside the pizza box, you can just make out a very blurry picture of what seems to be an elephant argyle pattern.
However, Nicole1776 had a further bake.
She writes, I see a small child's face.
Oh my god.
I couldn't find that iPhone case for sale anywhere.
Elephants mean something.
Cusack is a self-proclaimed elephant trainer.
Oh my god.
What?
Who?
John Cusack is involved here?
Now, yes, of course, she is referring to actor John Cusack who has sadly passed away.
Wait, what?
No!
Alright, disinformation, disinformation.
That's not true.
He is every day on Twitter posting in support of the Palestinian people, which, good for him.
Although, I would say, although your cause is righteous, John, and I do love you, I think you might want to spend a little less time online.
It seems like you're spending a lot of time posting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For a guy who's so cool, one of my favorite movies of all time is Gross Point Blank, where he plays the hitman who goes back to his high school reunion.
Very great, very great movie.
He does, I am a little disappointed to see how online he is.
But look, that's how people, you know, that's how people protest nowadays, is you go to Twitter and you post 100 tweets a day.
And fair, we need large figures that are not scared of talking about this awful thing that's happening.
You know, there you go.
Yeah.
This is that.
Cusack.
Not dead.
When another Twitter sleuth did find the actual phone case in question, it did not reveal a child's face, but indeed was just a pink and blue elephant pattern.
Pretty harmless.
But once the case in question was revealed, users decided that although a child's face was not hidden in the pattern, It was weird that the case contained both pink and blue elephants.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
Can you imagine having to boil down your bake to the saddest thing possible, which is just that it's normal and that there's nothing really all that weird with it?
Yeah, and I mean, maybe we'll find out what this item was, but this to me just seems like someone wants to send someone else $9,000 and have it go through a kind of transaction.
It's like, this is how drug dealers sell their shit, or money laundering happens.
The tweet was amplified by numerous pro-QAnon accounts, as well as more broadly right-wing influencers.
and Wokeness, a right-wing account with over 2 million followers, began to add to the pile,
posting other listings, all of which contained artwork featuring children, pizza, or both.
It's as if they went to the search engine on Etsy and typed in "pizza, children," which you can do,
and weird art comes up.
I did this myself and instantly found, you know, 10 or 12 paintings that were listed for thousands of dollars,
mostly oil paintings featuring the visage of a young child.
And look, people are just trying to make money off of their art.
That's, you know, doesn't seem to be too crazy.
But also, the point of the pizza is to hide that it's about children, right?
Like, you're supposed to use a code word.
You can't just include the child and the pizza.
It's like being like, uh, selling some stuff, cocaine, for this much money.
There were other posts about this that, you know, were clearly, um, AI images.
Yeah, these are all awful AI images of, like, children eating pizza and stuff.
Yeah, and, and, and, you know, people were saying, uh, oh, look, they, you know, they were baking the fact that, you know, that they were, oh, these, these images are AI generated and it's children and pizza.
And I was like, It's almost as if somebody went into an AI and went, children, pizza, create an image and then posted it to Etsy and then listed it in $50,000 and then took a screen grab of that and went to their Twitter and went, I found more evidence of the conspiracy theory.
Yeah.
So the pieces in question posted by At End Wokeness had listing prices in the $10,000 to $20,000 range.
And that account writes, this is listed.
First, it's a picture.
It's a horrible image.
It looks like three layers.
It looks like somebody was playing Splatoon.
Yes.
And then there are children in some, like, Teletubby hoodies, uh, kind of in the middle ground, and they're all reaching for a slice of- of pizza that looks like it's out of a Ninja Turtle, uh, advertisement.
But also, like, the hands don't connect with the pizza parts, like, there's- fingers are all kinds of fucked up on the children's hands, it's definitely AI.
Yeah.
The child looks like it's holding a pencil, but instead there is a pizza slice kind of wedged in where the crayon or toy might be.
This is a very good representation of us doing the podcast.
It really is.
It really is.
They all look confused.
One of them looks kind of happy.
So nwokeness writes, this is listed for $20,461 on Etsy, forever young pizza.
Can anyone explain this?
My God, they really are baking the static of the internet, like the endless deluge of like automated posting bots, fucking AI generated images, and probable malfeasance that is more in the realm of like transferring money illegally through these online marketplaces.
Now this post has 1.2 million views.
So on Elon's Twitter, this kind of stuff is, it's getting seen.
Oh yeah.
It's got 9,000 likes.
And then once this sort of blew up, all the heavy hitters started to get involved, with larger and more prominent influencers demanding an explanation from Etsy.
Many of the posts give Nicole1776 a shout out for finding the original listings.
And then, of course, the conspiracy exploded on TikTok.
Okay, I might be reaching, but what's going on here on Etsy?
Why are these children's paintings so high?
And why is there multiple of them?
Including one labeled, Pizza Oil Painting.
Not to mention, AI generated pictures of kids eating wings and pizza.
Going for around 3 to 4K.
And even pictures of pizza for 3K.
And there's this one labeled, Coming Soon for 51K.
And the person's name is Earth's Dark Offer.
I'm not saying anything is going on here, but let me know what y'all think is going on here.
Okay, this is the same guy that was pushing the stuff from the Obama movie.
Love it.
Yes, exactly.
This is a familiar character.
He's incredibly popular on TikTok, and I'm almost certain his eye color is not real.
He has these ice gray eyes that look like something out of Twilight, but that's besides the point.
The video that we just played has over 700,000 plays and 57,000 likes on TikTok.
And I find it interesting that this guy is clearly a conspiracy theorist, but he sort of couches everything and I might be reaching and what do you guys think about this?
It's the sort of strange kind of promotion of conspiracy theories without fully committing to the bit.
It's actually just engagement bait.
It's the question mark at the end of the statement that allows everybody to participate.
You disagree, you agree, you're in the middle, doesn't matter.
Yeah.
Fucking post beneath and make sure I get those impressions.
Yeah.
Also, I like that he included wings too as being suspicious.
Now we're just talking about like all pub food.
It's like, oh, you know, a big pretzel is also suspicious.
Are you going to take it all from us?
Is that it?
We can't even enjoy like junky food?
Fuck.
It's so funny because he says, they're AI-generated pictures of pizza and wings.
And I'm like, a totally normal combination.
Yeah, pizza and wings.
These things go well together.
I've paid $51,000 for a picture of wings before.
Am I stupid?
One interesting thing about the whole conspiracy is that it seems to be a boon in engagement for smaller accounts.
Now, I can't prove that all of Nicole's 13,000 followers were gained after she posted the Etsy-related theories, as the Internet Archive only has one other screenshot of her account from before the post.
I pulled up some metrics, and it looks like her account grew by 1,400 plus percent over the last 30 days.
I mean, there's definitely been a ton of growth on, like, fresh bakers on X. Absolutely, especially since Elon took over, for sure, and let these accounts back.
There was also, I was trying to find it, but apparently her account got suspended within the sort of time frame of her posting these things, but then was clearly let back on as she's, you know, still posting to this day.
Mm-hmm.
On TikTok, however, another creator posting about Etsy received 75,000 plays, whereas her other videos usually receive anywhere from a dozen to maybe a couple hundred views, a thousand at the most.
This brings up the interesting idea that smaller influencers see a significant increase in engagement after posting about QAnon or Pizzagate or related conspiracy content.
The user in question claims that her first video was taken down, and so she re-uploaded it with the caveat that the video is for, quote, entertainment purposes only.
My video about the strange things that are being sold on Etsy got taken down yesterday.
I went ahead and made a little disclaimer.
This video is for entertainment purposes only.
But I found a couple more on Etsy, and these are currently on the Etsy shop.
This first one's Maya, and it's $35 for just the picture.
But then, here's the weird part.
Or you can pay $50,000 for Maya, Portrait of a Girl Maya, Portrait, Innocent Girl, Innocent Maya, Innocent Maya Girl Art.
What's the difference between the $30 one and the $50,000 one?
And why does that one have that description?
And this one's $26,000, Kids Luxury House in LA.
Because people are just buying children luxury houses in LA.
These were found on the International Etsy A viewer actually sent them to me.
Young Pizza Assorted.
41,000 pounds.
And here's the description of that.
Length, 4 feet.
Width, 2 feet.
Or maybe like 4'2".
Awesome Girl Pizzas.
Ready to ship.
Arrives in container.
Pick up from depot.
Ordinary looking packaging.
All shipments are not identical.
You will not receive what's in the picture.
Southern Imports is always ready to ship.
Recently packaged and very quick shipping to ensure quality.
Message with your referral and favorite colors before purchase.
Can schedule a down payment and meeting with insurance.
And then it has this weird code.
And there are others from the seller that have the same description that are This stuff's insane and it gets so deep and I don't think I'm ever gonna come out of this rabbit hole.
I shouldn't have went down yet.
But just understand, this shit right here is happening.
Young pizza.
And it's happening right in front of our faces.
This young lady needs to get some sleep and stop smoking weed.
It's just like reddest eyes on earth, barely open.
And the first seller misspelled Michelangelo, spelling it with a J, Michelangelo.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
We got art.
I mean, there are clearly like bots just designed to like post a bunch of shit and post generic text.
Yeah, I'm just intrigued by the idea that you can get insurance to guarantee the quality of the child you're trafficking.
Yeah, of course, you want insurance involved.
Yeah.
And what are you doing? You're shipping them FedEx?
Yeah.
How are you packaging these children?
Yeah, I mean, most people are afraid to put their pets, you know, in the cargo hold of an airplane.
How are you going to get a child past TSA? I don't know.
The description is admittedly weird, but like Julian said, there are tons of bots that post random shit to these kind
of websites, and also tons of random weird people that post weird shit
to these websites.
People are weird. They write weird things. Some of them can't write at all.
Well, it didn't help that for a while there, people were buying fucking
like apes, like awful drawings of apes for tens of thousands of dollars.
So now it's like people are like, Oh, yeah, well, I can just make pictures and sell them, right?
Is that how it works? I am not very well.
Another TikTok user who has a fairly decent following suggests that Etsy's holiday partnership with musician John
Legend is the company's way of rubbing it in your face that they
are trafficking children.
Well, isn't it weird this is coming around again?
And remember what they told you last time?
That it was just such a theory?
And that how could you possibly believe pizza was related to this?
How stupid.
Pretty pricey though.
Only one left and in 13 carts.
Do you know who Etsy's new spokesperson is for the holidays?
Looking for gifts I co-created with inspiring independent sellers?
Etsy has it.
It's all about having an eye for things that are made with joy.
Yeah.
In your face.
Again.
This guy's ceiling is white broken wood patched up with like fucking reconstituted wood pieces.
He rocks, man.
And that pizza needs some fucking like tomato sauce.
I'm just saying.
Pretty decent following.
I think he's got around like 20,000 followers on TikTok and he mostly posts kind of your generic right-wing content, a lot of stuff about immigration, a lot of stuff about the COVID vaccine, all that sort of stuff.
But the reason he's bringing up John Legend, I don't know if you'll remember because everything is so stupid.
But back in the day, a Pizzagate promoter-in-chief, Liz Crokin, made the insane claim that pictures shared by John Legend and his partner of their one-year-old child in various Halloween costumes was somehow proof that the couple was signaling to fellow Cabal members.
It got so bad that Chrissy Teigen, Legend's partner, took to then-Twitter to address how unsettling the allegations were, at which point Liz Crokin quote-tweeted her and wrote this.
Chrissy, you run in circles with people who rape, torture, and traffic kids.
This is a fact.
I expose sex trafficking for a living.
Now, that would have almost been correct, but Croakin actually writes... Chrissy...
You run in circle with people who rape, torture, and traffic.
You run in circle.
You run in circle.
How has Liz Kroka not caught a defamation charge yet?
I mean, this is really, I think called per se defamation or something, I think is the term is, but like, I mean, she is very, even for a public figure, these are really, really outrageous things to claim about a person.
Well, I mean, if she said that they were running in circles, then maybe there would be a defamation case, but circle doesn't make sense.
So you can't sue.
Yeah, there's a couple.
Yeah, she could have said you run in a circle or you run in circles, but run in circle with people doesn't quite work.
And this is all because, you know, John Legend's kid, they posted a picture of them in a hot dog costume.
Just a cute, you know, little hot dog costume.
Oh my god.
But what does Liz Crokan think of the latest would-be scandal involving an online marketplace accused of trafficking children?
As you might imagine, quite a lot.
Due to X granting paid users the ability to essentially write an entire article in their tweets, Liz entered the quote-unquote town square shouting loudly and belligerently.
Is child trafficking taking place on Etsy?
There are a lot of suspicious listings on Etsy that have people wondering if child porn or children are for sale for sex on the e-commerce site.
For example, there is a quote picture of a pizza listed for sale for $9,000 and the listing reads, delivery instant download.
In that photo, there is also a cell phone strategically placed in the pizza box.
See below along with other suspicious listings.
It's been well established that pizza is a pedophile code via the FBI, DOJ, other law enforcement documents, and mainstream media articles such as the Wall Street Journal report from earlier this year, which makes these listings extra alarming.
Also, authorities have been able to bust many pedophiles because they used pizza as a pedophile code in an attempt to arrange to rape a child or to exchange child porn.
Earlier this year, Eric Carnell, who is the British designer behind ABPROLIN, the LGBTQ brand that sells satanic-themed t-shirts, sweaters, bags, and badges, announced on his Instagram page that Target removed all his products.
However, Etsy still allowed him to have a store where he sold products that have statements like, Unfortunately, I have seen many suspicious listings like this on multiple e-commerce sites.
Since President Trump's Department of Justice took down Backpage, the child sex traffickers and pedophiles had to relocate their online businesses somewhere.
So keep that in mind!
Also, Biden's administration, which we know for a fact is knowingly running state-sponsored child sex trafficking thanks to brave hero whistleblowers like Tara Lee Rodas, Rumors and theories that a global cabal of politicians and celebrities are exploiting children, that companies selling furniture or other high-priced items online are also selling missing children are all unfounded and perpetuate false narratives about the realities of human trafficking.
The fact that the trafficker-in-chief's State Department claims this isn't happening as he's running state-sponsored child trafficking leads me to believe they know there is child trafficking taking place online.
They're attempting to gaslight the public and discourage them from doing a citizen investigation into red flags like the ones here on Etsy.
On a personal note, my store was banned from Etsy years ago.
And they would not even allow me to sell Child Lives Matter merchandise on their site.
Hey, at Etsy, I would like an explanation for these suspicious posts, and I still would like an explanation for why I'm not allowed to sell Child Lives Matter products while you approve products that promote Satan.
Please follow at Nicole1776.
She's doing fantastic work exposing a lot of the suspicious activity on these e-commerce sites.
At General Flynn.
At Linz Piper Loomis.
At Brian Gamble underscore V1.
At Sun Tzu's War.
I mean, first of all, this sounds a lot like basic blackmail.
It's like either you let me sell my merch on your website or I will run a libel campaign against you.
Also, Brian Gamble, still in the mix, the organizer of the very first Q event that we attended.
Still in the mix.
She only tagged four people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here's what I find insane about this, is that here she is saying, this is definitely real.
They are trafficking children on this website.
This website is a cover for children who are being abused.
They are being sent potentially in crates, being charged thousands and thousands of dollars.
And I would also like to sell my competing product.
Yeah.
I've been banned.
your site as well. Why wouldn't she say, you know, I'm so glad that I was banned
from it. If you want to brag or you want to complain about being
banned from something, why wouldn't you then say, I'm so glad that I was banned. I
would never be associated with a site that allows this kind of content. But
instead she's like, I would like to know why I am not allowed back on. I've been
banned. That's also a thing that sucks. Because getting attention is like the
the primary thing for the...
Being platformed, getting attention, that matters more than the ethics of the website that, you know, you may be platformed on.
You know, if you're coming from her perspective, she's like, I would like, she's like, my t-shirts that say Child Lives Matter on it, I want those to go up against children in crates being shipped across the world.
She would absolutely be comfortable with that, as long as her merch was available, as be partnering with the child trafficking website.
Yes, Etsy, I would like you to immediately cease shipping children to people for sex trafficking purposes.
And also, start selling my stuff.
Because I think that once you've changed your ways, like, you deserve a second chance.
Her post was then shared by General Mike, I found a way to connect to the internet.
Flynn writing.
Okay so it's just a quote this is theoretically I could see it's it's Mr. Mike Flynn on December 11th after having opened his little advent window and he's chewing on some of the worst milk chocolate that you can ever have and he just copy pastes part of what she posted and then at Nicole 1776 and an account called Amerifuture.
So, crazy here.
I mean, huge boon for Nicole1776, who, you know, not too long ago was a fairly small account.
You are now being tagged by General Mike Flynn.
Yeah, who was like, oh yeah, Q is a psy-op, but also people who have Q in their username should still be retweeted.
How does that make sense?
Each of these posts received tens of thousands of likes and millions of views on X. Now, this isn't the first time that Michael Flynn has referenced hashtag Pizzagate.
All the way back in November 4th of 2016, Flynn urged his followers to retweet the hashtag SpiritCooking along with NeverHillary.
A reference to the performance art created by Maria Abramovich, who conspiracy theorists believed was part of a real satanic ritual involving the dismemberment and consumption of young children.
Yeah.
And here is that tweet.
You can see.
And look, I mean, this was doing business back then.
He had 18,000 likes.
This was right before the 2016 election.
Yeah, it's like Hillary talking to Huma Abedin, this is a classic.
You got Anthony Weiner doing his... Yeah, his ripped selfie, his ripped at 50 selfie.
Yeah, and then it's just got like a bunch of hashtags, spirit cooking, never Hillary, drain the swamp, NYPD ready to make arrests in Weiner case.
I guess it's via Breitbart News.
Didn't happen.
I wonder if Breitbart ever had to, you know... Huma Abedin still roaming free.
Yeah.
Hillary Clinton, free and potentially next president of the United States.
Potentially married to the best guy on earth.
We'll get to that.
Nah, it's not that crazy.
There's not that many crazy bombshells, but we'll get to all that.
And now, on January 3rd of this year, Flynn is back at it, sharing a video from ex-user CancelThisClothingCompany with the hashtag PizzaGateIsReal.
And Flynn writes, I don't know about anyone else, but I find this guy's arguments very credible.
Hashtag PizzaGateIsReal.
I mean, this is outrageous.
This is more explicit than anything he did even in the lead up to the 2016 election when the when Pizzagate was really first started going.
Yeah, the gloves are off.
It's not even retweet spirit cooking.
It's Pizzagate is real.
It's real.
In his ads, he also includes a family member, Mary Flynn O'Neil One.
Well, yeah, yeah.
Because remember, because it also tags, like, remember America's Future.
That's the organization that the whole Flynn org kind of captured and started promoting, like, Pizzagate shit.
And Mary Flynn O'Neil happens to be, I think, the head of that organization.
Of course.
We love it, folks.
Well, Julian, what you don't understand is I have to convince my aunt She's always asking questions, saying, this stuff you talk about, Mike, pizza isn't real.
Is it real, boy?
So in the video, you know, it's a young guy.
He starts the video almost as if he's going to do a thorough debunking of Pizzagate and show all the times that Pizzagate has been quote-unquote debunked.
But what he ends up doing is just basically trying to make the point that all of the debunking comes from one website, which isn't true.
There are plenty of outlets, both credible and not so credible, that have debunked Pizzagate, and yet he seems to zero in on the site PolitiFact.
It is really cool, though, that a bunch of conservative Americans are now totally open to what looks like a basement stoner out of Dazed and Confused.
They have really made peace with the hippies, because the hippies have come around to being partially fascist.
So, cool.
Here's how the video starts.
The Pizzagate conspiracy has been debunked a thousand times, and I'm going to show you exactly how.
You know, the theory that the Clintons were somehow involved in some child sex trafficking scheme or something?
If you're not familiar, I'm going to show you all about it and show you exactly how it's been debunked.
So you can go to any reputable news source of your choice.
I chose PolitiFact for this one.
It was just the first one that came up and I just highlighted all the language they use to help you understand that it's debunked.
When we scroll down in this article you can see that they're citing their sources with links and so we'll click on this link that should show us how there's no evidence.
Ah, well that links us to another PolitiFact article that tells us that there's no evidence.
Cool.
So we'll scroll down in this article to find the evidence.
Cool.
So they're citing their sources with these links.
We'll click on this link.
That'll take us to the evidence.
Oh, cool.
It took us to another PolitiFact article.
That's interesting.
And if we go back to the original article that we were at, at the very bottom of the article, I found the part where they cite their sources, so we're all good.
Their sources are the Wall Street Journal and PolitiFact, and those are all more news organizations.
Spoiler alert!
If you go to those articles, they'll just be nepotism circles of them linking to their own articles as well.
Wow.
So, okay.
So, okay.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That's not what nepotism is, first of all.
And also, it's almost like he kind of punks himself in his own video because he's like, oh, here are all their sources.
It's the Wall Street Journal.
It's, oh, it's a bunch of other news organizations, which disproves his first point that it's all linked into PolitiFact.
Yeah, which we hate these websites.
Like, they do suck and they do link to themselves because they want traffic to go back to their other pages.
But I don't know if that's proof that they're covering up Pizzagate.
But this guy, he's doing kind of an imitation at the beginning of, like, your sort of online TikTok debunker.
And yeah, it is weird to see a basement stoner who would seemingly normally be doing the opposite of what this gentleman is doing.
This young man who's been to 800 different Grateful Dead concerts and has a Blacklight poster of each of them, he's, you know, he's speaking the truth, says, guy who was in charge of JSOC.
Yeah, I know!
That's the craziest part!
I love it!
I fucking love America.
And now, if you remember, if we're tracing the Pizzagate posts backwards in time, it was Michael Flynn's son, Junior, who was one of the first people connected to the Trump campaign to post directly about Pizzagate, in a tweet from December 7th of 2016, writing that, Until Pizzagate is proven to be false, it'll remain a story.
The left seems to forget.
Hashtag Podesta emails and the many, quote, coincidences tied to it.
And he's, quote, tweeting Jack Posobiec saying, DC police chief, quote, nothing to suggest man with gun at Comic Ping Pong had anything to do with hashtag Pizzagate.
Uh-huh.
This is a turd folding in on itself.
Yeah, it's just turd.
There's no ducking.
It's a turd shoved into a turd shoved into a turd.
There's no duckin'.
There's no duckin' at all.
Now, it's probably not a coincidence that the discussions about Pizzagate are resurfacing and becoming popular on social media with the most recent unsealing of over 900 pages of court documents related to Jeffrey Epstein.
I'd like to just make the point that, like, the very real child trafficking network connected to Bill Clinton doesn't mention pizza, you fucking idiots!
They didn't need the codes!
They didn't need the codes.
What does that say?
What does that say?
Oh, but I guess they needed AI pictures.
Yeah, you fucking idiots.
Yeah.
You're shit covering the whole thing!
You're fucking it up for the real sleuths!
The unsealing of the documents came as part of a settled civil suit brought against Epstein's longtime partner, Ghislaine Maxwell, by Virginia Juffrey.
Judge Loretta Preska ordered the unsealing in December, explaining that many of the names have already been cited by media outlets, and those who hadn't should be unsealed due to the fact that the names are not connected to any salacious material in the documents.
So, essentially, she's saying, look, all the really bad stuff you already know, it's already been reported on, and some of the people who haven't been named, who are, you know, J. Doe's in these documents, actually should be unsealed because they haven't done anything wrong.
They were either victims of Epstein and Ghislaine, or they were journalists who were investigating the crimes of the couple.
Now, the list contains 187 J Doe's.
Some were high-profile associates of Epstein, while others were journalists, and others, who will remain anonymous, were minors alleging sexual abuse by Epstein and his associates.
Yeah, this is, once again, just court documents.
It's not a list of bad guys.
I think people got a little confused.
Yes, and his client list has not been released.
That is not part of this dump.
No, they keep that in a nice vault somewhere in Davos.
In the lead-up to the release of the documents, both sides of the political spectrum were on edge, each hoping that their quote-unquote faves would be spared from being implicated.
It was already known that both Donald Trump and Bill Clinton had been significantly involved with Jeffrey Epstein, and both teams waited with bated breath to see which parts of the documents could be posted on Twitter for maximum political effect.
And, like most document dumps billed to be packed with major revelations and bombshells, the actuality was not nearly as exciting as both Trump and Clinton haters would hope.
Bill Clinton is mentioned over 50 times in the documents, but there aren't really any salacious accusations levied at the former president.
While Ghislaine herself admits and flight logs show Bill Clinton did appear on flight logs of Epstein's Lolita Express, he's only mentioned in passing by the accuser.
That accuser is Joanna Sjoberg, whose testimony is the source for a lot of the new information contained in the unsealed documents.
Sjoberg claims she was approached by Maxwell in 2001 while she was attending university in Palm Beach.
She was 20 years old at the time.
She says that she was offered a job to be home help, but was paid an extra $200 to give the couple massages and an additional $100 for sexual acts performed on Epstein.
And while she didn't testify to having any interaction with President Bill Clinton, she did claim that Epstein once confided in her that, quote, referring to the girls.
She also testified that Epstein had a bed on his private jet with no partitions separating it from the rest of the plane so that other flyers would have to watch him loudly have sex with women in the back of the plane.
And this is a quote from the testimony.
In his bed, on the plane, having open sex with Redacted for everyone to see, on display, Redacted was straddling Jeffrey for quite some time.
I watched them both ejaculate with each other.
They were having quite a good time together.
So, I mean, you know, without making any accusations, it does bring up the question that if you were riding on the plane and her testimony is truthful, odds are you might have seen Jeffrey Epstein having sex with somebody in the bed or potentially you yourself were having sex on the plane bed.
Can you hear that?
Is that the sound of the guy who invented the Simpsons?
[Laughter]
Homie! Homie! Homie!
I watched Jeffrey Epstein!
Not!
It's me!
Pedophile Marge Simpson!
I'm friends with Dwayne Maxwell and we both watched Jeffrey Epstein have sex with Ralph!
Hey Homer!
Hey Jeffrey!
Alright, enough of that.
Yep.
Former President Donald Trump appears at least four times in the unsealed documents, with Sjoberg testifying about Epstein's plane being forced to land during a storm, and Epstein excitedly stating that they could all spend the night in one of Trump's Atlantic City casinos.
Sjoberg claims in the testimony that she was never asked to massage Donald Trump.
However, in a new batch of documents released today, another accuser, Sarah Ransom, had a lot more to say about Donald Trump's involvement with the convicted pedophile and his victims.
Sarah testified that one of the unnamed girls in the documents often confided in her about a casual friendship she had struck up with the former president through his association with Epstein.
Presumably, they met during one of Epstein's functions as Juan Alesi, Epstein's housekeeper, testified that Trump would sometimes come over to Epstein's Palm Beach mansion for dinner.
Ransom claimed that her friend told her that Trump would often mention her, quote, pert nipples, and that this woman showed Sarah injuries that she claimed were inflicted by the former president.
And this is a quote from a Yahoo News article, and it reads, In the newly unsealed documents, Ms.
Ransome testified that her unnamed friend, quote, was one of the many girls that had sexual relations with Donald Trump, including at Epstein's New York townhouse.
Quote, She confided in me about her casual friendship with Donald.
Mr. Trump definitely seemed to have a thing for her, and she told me how he kept going on about how he liked her perched nipples, she testified.
She then described in graphic detail how Mr. Trump allegedly caused pain to the victim's nipples and claimed she saw the resulting injury firsthand.
Yeah, it's pretty gross.
Weird stuff.
Super, super gross, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, let's just be—and all these people.
Jail, Hague, etc.
It should also be mentioned that in a 2019 exposé about Alan Dershowitz's relationship with Epstein written by Connie Bruck for The New Yorker, a ransom admitted that further claims she had made about seeing blackmail tapes of Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Alan Dershowitz, Richard Branson, were fabricated in an effort to draw attention to Epstein's crimes.
And from that article, quote, "In the fall of 2016, she had suggested to the New York Post that she had sex tapes of
half a dozen prominent people, including Bill Clinton and Donald Trump, but couldn't provide the tapes when asked.
Ransom told me that she had invented the tapes to draw attention to Epstein's behavior and to make him believe
that she had, quote, 'evidence that would come out if he harmed me.'"
Yeah, no, she might not be able to produce those, but maybe the FBI could produce those DVDs that fucking were in the
safe?
Yeah.
In all fairness, you know, it's worth mentioning that that information from that article has not
stopped prominent influencers on social media sites and news organizations to run the claim
that there are tapes existing of, you know, these people engaging in, you know, nefarious activities
captured on tape. You know, in the same vein, I also saw that when the original Epstein docs
dropped, there were a lot of people that were referencing a testimony from the original Virginia
Juffrey testimony that talked about a horrific rape of a minor that Donald Trump had engaged in.
Which is true, that testimony does exist, but I saw it being framed as if it was part of this latest dump.
And I just gotta say, this stuff is all bad on its own.
We don't also need to participate in disinformation to either stick it to your political opponents online, or post it in defense when they bring up something about Bill Clinton.
You know, it's disappointing to see disinformation sort of be presented by prominent sort of influencers and pundits in the sort of resistance space, you know, on social media sites like Twitter.
I'm a lot more disappointed by the fact that none of these people are in fucking jail.
Yes, of course, of course, of course.
But I think it's worth calling out.
Is it worth it?
I don't fucking know.
I guess it is.
I guess it is.
But it's also worth noting that that's not really that's not really the main issue here.
It's normal that we mention that there's a bunch of weird disinformation floating around that like mucks all this stuff up and that there's really no need for disinformation because look at this shit.
I mean, this is so goddamn egregious.
And we're being we're being, you know, a lot of stuff is being covered up.
A lot of stuff is being withheld from the public.
So we can go ahead and say that.
And while there may not be tapes available currently, Alan Dershowitz is certainly mentioned in the latest Unsealed Files, alleging that he engaged in a threesome with one of Epstein's victims who was a minor at the time.
One such powerful individual that Epstein forced then-minor Jane Doe No.
3 to have sexual relations with was former Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz, a close friend of Epstein's and well-known criminal defense attorney.
Epstein required Jane Doe No.
3 to have sexual relations with Dershowitz on numerous occasions while she was a minor, not only in Florida but also on private planes in New York, New Mexico, and the U.S.
Virgin Islands.
In addition to being a participant in the abuse of Jane Doe No.
3 and other minors, Dershowitz was an eyewitness to the sexual abuse of many other minors by Epstein and several of Epstein's co-conspirators.
Dershowitz would later play a significant role in negotiating NPA on Epstein's behalf.
Indeed, Dershowitz helped negotiate an agreement that provided immunity from federal prosecution in the Southern District of Florida not only to Epstein but also to quote any potential co-conspirators of Epstein, NPA at five.
Thus, Dershowitz helped negotiate an agreement with a provision that provided protection for himself against criminal prosecution in Florida for sexually abusing Jane Doe No.
3.
Because this broad immunity would have been controversial if disclosed, Dershowitz, along with other members of Epstein's defense team and the government, tried to keep the immunity provision secret from all of Epstein's victims and the general public, even though such secrecy violated the Crime Victims' Rights Act.
Dershowitz, bad guy.
Very bad guy.
Is it surprising that his name was floated to defend Israel in The Hague?
Fucking love that little twist.
Other names that appear in the documents include disgraced British royal Prince Andrew, who Sjoberg describes as a real creep.
She recounts an instance where Epstein and Maxwell organized a photo shoot with her and the prince, where he apparently had a puppet on his hand that was of his likeness, so it's Prince Andrew Holding a Prince Andrew puppet?
No.
And when it was time for the photo to be taken, Prince Andrew manipulated the puppet's arms to put its hands on her breast.
That is... My man has invented new ways to molest you.
Yeah, it is insane.
When you come from a line of royal perverts, people who are depraved in ways that we can't imagine, you have to come up with fresh material that this world, as horrible as it is, still has never seen.
But Travis, it's me, the Queen of England!
There's been justice!
I cancelled his birthday party!
I was going to have more puppets there, but...
It's not that Prince Andrew can't behave, it's what he does with his hands while inside those puppets.
Yeah, it's the puppets thinking, really, for him.
Of course, it's a puppet of him.
He's not very smart at covering his tracks.
Stephen Hawking appears in one of the unsealed documents, in a particularly sloppy email from Epstein to Gitlain, where he discussed offering rewards to accuser Virginia Joffrey's family and friends to help disprove the claims she had made regarding both Bill Clinton and Stephen Hawking.
And this email is, I mean, a wild insight to Jeffrey Epstein.
It is, like, almost unintelligible.
It's filled with spelling mistakes.
There's no punctuation.
It's really insane.
And the email says, you can issue a reward to any of Virginia's friends, acquaintances, family, Uh-huh.
come forward and help prove her allegations are false. The strongest is
Cool.
the Clinton dinner and the new version in the Virgin Islands that Stephen
Hawking participated in an underage orgy. Uh-huh. Cool. We will be including Jake's
original Stephen Hawking visits Epstein Island story in the auto cue of this
episode for the pleasure of you listeners who haven't heard it and also we
apologize in advance. We do apologize in advance.
I apologize.
Fuck all the people depicted.
I think I apologize a couple times during the story, but I mean, given everything that's come out.
You'll hear many times while telling the story, Jake squeaks out, I'm so ashamed, but then keeps going.
Yeah, I think that the people who should be ashamed are not, Jake.
But I was reading, you know, all of the stuff about Ghislaine sort of organizing a submersible tour for Stephen Hawking, that people are surprised about this, like they didn't know this.
And this is part of the story!
I mean, this was publicly available information, God, how many years ago?
Four years ago?
Five years ago?
When asked if Al Gore or his wife Tipper had been on the island, Sjoberg answered no.
Like nearly five years ago, it was February of 2019 we talked about this.
Oh my lord.
Awesome.
Oh my lord.
Numerous questions based on previous allegations were also asked of Sjoberg about celebrities
and politicians believed to be associated with Epstein.
When asked if Al Gore or his wife Tipper had been on the island, Sjoberg answered no.
When asked if she had seen George Lucas on the island, she said no, thank God.
have my boy Lucas getting roped up in this.
She did, however, claim to have met the late pop star Michael Jackson at Epstein's Palm Beach residence, and detailed a strange dinner with magician David Copperfield.
So, Sjoberg claimed that Copperfield performed a couple of magic tricks at a dinner at Epstein's house, and then asked her, quote, if I was aware that girls were getting paid to find other girls.
I'm loving Copperfield's new trick, and with this?
And with this next twist, all of your passports are gone, girls.
Now look, it's unclear if Copperfield himself was looking to procure girls, or if perhaps he was a white hat on a secret mission to get to the bottom of Epstein's crimes.
I don't think we need to do QAnon.
As far as I'm concerned, that is a great plot for Now You See Me 3, where David Copperfield has to use magic to rescue trafficked women from Epstein.
No.
No.
Bad.
Hey, you know what?
A Jake from five years ago would have written that story.
So, you know what?
I have grown.
We need you back.
I have matured.
No, we need you back, dude.
What happened to you, man?
You're washed up.
It's this.
It's all of this.
It's this podcast.
I don't feel comfortable going absolutely bazooka bananas into conspiracies anymore because I know how harmful and dangerous they are.
So, the material hasn't changed, but I've changed.
Maybe for the worst.
Some would say for the better.
Leave the words bazooka bananas in the comments if you want Jake to go back to his old self.
When asked about high-profile celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Cate Blanchett, and Cameron Diaz, I got a little worried.
While it's well known that DiCaprio has a proclivity for dating women much younger than he is, surely he wouldn't be stupid enough to travel on Epstein's Lolita Express.
And fortunately for all of you Titanic fans out there, myself included, Sober clarified that she had never actually met any of these actors, but rather that Epstein would brag about talking on the phone with him while she was married.
Massaging him.
OK, so we'll play the questions and answers here.
Travis, could you ask the questions?
I saw one press report that said you had met Cate Blanchett or Leonardo DiCaprio.
I did not meet them.
No.
When I spoke about them, it was when I was massaging him and he would get off.
He would be on the phone a lot at that time.
And one time he said, oh, that was Leonardo or oh, that was Cate Blanchett or Bruce Willis, that kind of thing.
So name dropping?
Yes.
So you had not met Cate Blanchett or Leonardo DiCaprio?
I have not.
Would you remember if you had?
I would hope I would remember.
Did you meet Cameron Diaz?
No.
I have a little side story here.
Apparently Leo's nickname by a lot of the girls he sees is Headphones, dino bones.
And that is because, and this is obviously alleged, Leo has a big dinosaur bone above his bed, and when he has sex with women, he puts on headphones blasting rap music while he fucks.
Headphones, dino bones.
I have a story about Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's a secondhand story, but you guys want to hear it?
Sure, why not?
We're gossiping.
So my buddy, one of my best friends was, this is recent, he was at some concert, I believe he was at the Guns N' Roses concert recently in Los Angeles, and his uncle is like kind of connected in certain Hollywood circles, like he's a musician and like a sort of You know, hangs around.
He's not like a celebrity himself, but he's sort of, he's been around, you know, a long time in LA and just sort of become friends with various people in sort of like high-profile circles.
And my buddy did acid at the concert.
He, you know, randomly met some woman who was like, oh, I, you know, I wish I had known that the security wasn't so lax here.
I would have bought more drugs.
I'm a drug dealer.
And my friend was like, oh, well, what kind of drugs do you have?
And she said, I have this liquid LSD, you know, but only take one drop.
And he took three drops and went back and enjoyed the concert.
And that night he found himself, he and his uncle went to this sort of like party in the
Hollywood Hills.
And you know, they were there, they were hanging out for a bit.
Nothing really of note.
It was at some guy, some guy who's like a wrangler for bands.
He's one of those guys, I guess, who goes out into the crowd and goes, "Hey, do you
want to come backstage and meet the bands?"
And it was at his house.
And he said that, you know, the it had like real gaudy sort of decorations that like there was a like a giant surfboard that was mounted on the wall that was signed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, you know, that sort of thing.
And, you know, at around 1 a.m., my friend is going, all right, I gotta get, I gotta get out of here.
You know, the acid was starting to wear off and, you know, he was exhausted and, you know, typically hates being around these kind of people in the first place.
And he had to, he was trying to figure out how to get out of the house.
And because it was so big and there were all sorts of different floors, it was really confusing.
And he sort of found himself in this, like, spiral staircase that was heading down.
He figured, okay, this has got to be headed towards Some kind of exit, if I go down this staircase, and he was walking down the staircase, you know, still kind of tripping on acid, and he bumped into this guy, and he was so startled by the whole thing that he fell backwards and knocked the Red Hot Chili Peppers surfboard off the wall?
Yeah.
And he knocked it off the wall and he looked up, you know, startled to sort of like apologize to the guy that he, you know, he had bumped into.
And he realized that it was Leonardo DiCaprio who was coming into the party.
And Leonardo DiCaprio didn't even look at him.
He didn't look up.
He kept walking up the stairs and he said, that surfboard is fucking stupid anyways.
And kept walking up the stairs.
Awesome.
I also hate my life.
Good stuff, Leo.
All right.
That surfboard is fucking stupid anyways.
We need to kill this episode.
We need to finish this up.
Let's wrap it up.
I will leave you with one final tidbit from the document dump.
Perhaps concerning the most high-profile figure mentioned during Sjoberg's testimony, and that is...
The Pope.
Yes.
During a line of questioning regarding nude photos on display in Epstein's Palm Beach mansion, Soberg recalled seeing a photo of Pope John Paul II taken with Ghislaine Maxwell.
The Pope was not nude in the photograph.
Oh, thank God.
That means Annie will survive another day.
Maybe.
Maybe.
If your feuding family war doesn't wipe, you know, doesn't wipe her lineage out.
Yeah, we're working on the Pope and everything just down from there.
Thank you for listening to another episode of the QAA Podcast.
You can subscribe to us at patreon.com slash QAA to get a second episode every single week, plus access to, we have four miniseries now that you will get access to.
We have one season of Trickle Down.
Travis is in the midst of a second season of Trickle Down.
We have 10 episodes of "Man Clan" with Julian Field and the wonderful Annie Kelly.
We have an ongoing series right now called "Perverts"
starring Julian and Liv Agar.
There are also 10 episodes of Brad Abrahams and my special series, "The Spectral Voyager,"
which is a more sort of lighthearted, kind of paranormal, deep dive,
unsolved mysteries type of show.
So there's a ton of content there.
If you're not a subscriber, and you like us, you like the QA--
Even if you don't like us, it'll grant you access to the Patreon comments
and you can leave your displeasure there.
That's better.
If you hate us and you want more reasons to hate Lizzie--
Sign up.
Love us, don't care about us.
Sign up.
Sign up!
Because- Either way, sign up.
You will then get to post comments on the Patreon voicing your displeasure, and- Yeah.
You know, usually there are a lot of positive comments there, and we really need some negative ones to sort of balance that out.
And we don't delete negative comments.
We don't give a shit.
People slam us occasionally, and they know it's fine.
I actually one time, one time deleted a comment, but then the person left another comment saying, what the fuck, my comment was deleted, and I just left that one up.
And you left that one.
Who gives a shit?
There you go.
If your first comment gets deleted, your second one will stay up.
So that's another perk.
Yeah, sign up, sign up.
Another perk.
You have 22 hours.
And yeah, I hope everybody is having a peaceful New Year.
It's not an election year.
It's, you know, things are going to get better.
People are going to chill out a little bit more.
No, they won't.
And hopefully, within the coming weeks and months, there will be no reason for the QAA Podcast to exist anymore.
We'll be here forever.
And Travis, Julian, myself, Liv, Annie, and Brad, we can all go on with our lives and hopefully get into some really decent therapy to unpack the last five years of craziness, which surely won't repeat over the next five years.
The QAA folks, we are entering our Helter Skelter era.
Let's just say some groups will be visiting some homes.
No, we won't.
We won't be going anywhere.
I don't like leaving the house.
That's okay, because I'm going to be MKUltra-ing you and suddenly you'll be great at jogging and leaving the house.
Until then, dear listeners, may the Deep Dish bless you and keep you.
It's not a conspiracy.
It's a fact.
And now, today's Auto-Tune.
So without further ado, I bring you Stephen Hawking Goes to Epstein Island.
He did.
He actually did.
He really did go to Epstein.
It was March 2006.
21 internationally renowned scientists were gathered at the Ritz-Carlton St.
Thomas, one of the most exotic and beautiful hotels in the world.
The occasion was a conference titled, Confronting Gravity, a workshop to explore fundamental questions in physics and cosmology.
Confronting Gravity.
The Frisbee.
But that was all bullshit, Hawking knew that.
The conference was founded and hosted by Jeffrey Epstein, and if there was one thing Epstein didn't have, it was an understanding of gravity in any sense whatsoever.
He is dumb, I can verify that.
Nope, Hawking thought.
Just like everyone else, he was there for the girls.
Hawking... I'm actually corroborating so far.
Hawking sat in the back of the dimly lit auditorium, listening to Gerardus hoofed blather on about something or other.
He chuckled at the idea of telling his speaker machine to yell, Boooooooooooring!
(laughter)
At full volume at the bumbling scientist's butt, seeing as he had accidentally knocked his speaking wand onto the
ground about five minutes earlier, the lecture would unfortunately go uninterrupted.
So bad.
One of his- this is bad, you guys.
Yup, it's bad.
I- I- uh- Trigger warning!
I know it's bad.
For bad stuff!
I know it's bad.
One of his handlers had told him that Epstein had arranged for private planes to take members of the conference over
to his private island once the lectures were finished.
Hawking had heard all about it.
Orgies.
Young women.
Sex slaves.
Even Hawking's multi-dimensional imagination couldn't even fathom such sinful treasures.
And throughout the entire conference, he often caught himself drooling at the prospect of them.
Quantum physics of molesting a young girl.
Of course, his dick was useless.
That ship had long since sailed.
But that didn't stop Hawking from enjoying less illicit- *laughing*
We cannot publish this.
He did go to strip clubs.
Hawking moved slowly.
reread the line!
That ship had long since sailed.
But that didn't stop Hawking from enjoying less illicit pleasures, like having boobies
dangled in his face. He did go to strip clubs.
A text from his handler blipped across his laptop screen. "Boarding soon."
Hawking moved slowly, his motorized wheelchair gliding across the sun-soaked airstrip. Hawking moved
slowly. Okay. Hawking moved slowly, his motorized wheelchair gliding across
the sun-soaked airstrip, where a beautiful Boeing 727 sat, glistening in
a hot Caribbean sun. Yep.
He recognized a couple of guys hanging outside the plane.
He knew Clinton already.
He had participated in dozens of conferences at the White House and various science galas.
There was a strong odor of marijuana in the air, and as Hawking got closer, he realized the smell was coming from a large doobie the guys were passing around.
You're a fucking boomer?
A doobie?
Hawking.
Hawking recognized one of the men as the African-American actor from The Fifth Element, the 1997 film starring one of Hawking's favorite actors, Bruce Willis.
What?
I thought you were gonna say Chris Tucker.
It is Chris Tucker.
Okay.
Who is on record as going to Epstein Island.
A hundred percent, yes.
A hundred percent.
No, actually, he was brought to Africa by the plane.
He did not go to the island.
Well, my story has him on the island.
Okay, cool.
As the guys standing around the plane noticed him, they seemed to be taken a little by surprise.
"Hello, doctor," Clinton said in his smug southern accent.
Hawking brought the chair to a stop and began typing a message into his speaking machine.
"What is up, my dudes? Who of you is ready to score some young pussy?"
The group was silent.
Hawking could see them glancing at one another.
After a couple awkward seconds, Bill Clinton spoke up.
Hey Chris, this is Dr. Stephen Hawking, one of the smartest men in the world.
Wouldn't know it by looking at him though, huh?
Clinton and the other guy laughed.
Hawking fumed inside.
Fucking dumb hick, he thought, but instead pressed a pre-programmed laugh that cut through the air like a knife.
The other man offered Hawking a closed fist.
Hey man, nice to meet you.
I'm Chris Tucker.
Hawking wiggled his arm as best he could towards the man, but... Wait, wait.
Chris Tucker was fist bumping him?
Yeah.
Okay.
*laughter* Everything is wrong with you.
This is so bad.
This is so bad.
Everything.
It gets worse.
Hey man, nice to meet you.
I'm Chris Tucker.
Hawking wiggled his arm as best he could towards the man, but knew deep down it was useless.
Who's ready to party?
A booming voice echoed across the runway.
It was Epstein, his shirt already off, bounding towards them, a lit cigarette in his hand.
He jogged excitedly over to the men.
Oh man, Steven, are you ready for the fucking time of your life?
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Travis is no longer aligned with the microphone.
He is just looking off to the side with both hands clasped to each other to his mouth.
Horrifying.
universe one day. Travis is no longer aligned with the microphone he is just
looking off to the side with both hands clasped to each other to his mouth.
I'm listening to this amazing story. Sorry, sorry.
In fact, not many people know this, but he came up with the idea for a multi-dimensional universe one day while watching pornography on 12 different computer monitors.
Shit, it was practically the only reason he came to this hot, humid jungle in the first place, to set wheels on Epstein Island and find a girl who literally couldn't say no to him.
He looked up at Epstein with hopeful eyes.
Epstein grinned wide, revealing a set of yellow, rotting teeth.
All aboard!
The plane ride wasn't particularly memorable.
Bill was talking with Chris Tucker about a young black politician from Illinois who threatened his wife's future presidency.
Whatever Bill was saying, Hawking could tell the actor was incredibly uncomfortable.
Hawking awoke from the jolt of the plane's wheels hitting the runway.
Everyone gathered their things and a large ramp unfolded from the side of the plane.
As he descended the ramp, Hawking could barely believe what was in front of him.
About 20 girls, the oldest of which looked barely 21, stood in a line, welcoming the plane's inhabitants as they made their way onto the tarmac.
A giant blue and white striped building with an ornate golden dome stood dramatically on the hill behind them.
As the girls waved in blue kisses... This is so bad.
I'm so ashamed.
[Laughter]
I don't know if I'm gonna make it through this.
You can't.
How through it?
Okay.
Dude, you're crying again.
I know.
Where the fuck?
Where the fuck?
There's fucking tears!
Okay, as the girls waved and blew kisses, Hawking could have sworn he felt his penis gently turn over inside of his underpants.
Oh my god!
Why?
Why?
You are ruining this podcast!
One of the young women, a redhead, Oh my god, this is so bad!
One of the young women, a redhead wearing what looked like a cut-up potato sack and shackles, seemed to lock eyes with him.
Nervously, Hawking scanned his machine looking for the proper introduction.
Your procedure lurks above a road, the machine squeaked out.
God damn it, Hawking thought.
The girl glanced over in Bill Clinton's direction, quickly losing interest.
Before Hawking could type anything else into the box, he felt- Wait, wait, wait, your story has Stephen Hawking not able to seduce a child sex slave.
Yeah, he had a bad autocorrect.
A bad autocorrect on his machine.
This is fine.
This is god damn it Hawking thought the girl glanced over and built Clinton's direction quickly losing interest
Before Hawking could type anything else into the box. He felt himself being whisked in the opposite direction
Someone was pushing him quickly towards a pier where a large boat was docked. What about the girls Hawking managed
to type?
As he was shuffled on board Epstein Listener, there are literally multiple nude women on a boat, and... Okay, I don't even know what to say.
Gotta show Travis.
in the direction of the shore as it got further and further away from them.
And here's a picture of Hawking on Epstein's boat.
Listener, there are literally multiple nude women on a boat and...
Okay, I don't even know what to say.
All right, gotta show Travis.
So that's Hawking right there on the boat and there's like naked women and there's Epstein
and God knows who else.
Yeah.
Some time passed on the boat.
Clint and Tucker were attempting to catch fish with deep sea poles attached to the stern of the ship.
Epstein had fallen asleep on a towel, a burning cigar dripping hot ash into a tangle of thick gray hair covering his chest.
Hawking was bored out of his mind.
He checked the digital clock in the corner of his screen.
It had only been 45 minutes.
Any feeling he had in his penis had long since faded.
He attempted to chat up a young brunette, asking her if she had any interest in what time might look like from the fifth dimension.
But all she wanted was to use his computer to call for help.
(laughter)
After what seemed like hours, Hawking spotted the Golden Dome and knew they had finally made their way back to shore.
Sunburnt and low on batteries, Hawking... Go on.
Low on batteries, huh?
Hawking propelled himself towards a covered awning a hundred feet from the water.
To his delight, some of the girls were there.
Bill Clinton pulled a pair into his lap.
Chris Tucker was pouring shots of expensive liquor into ten golden cups.
Hawking spotted the redhead from earlier, sitting with another scientist from the convention, drinking neon-colored cocktails.
He squinted at his keyboard, loaded up a carefully thought-out conversation starter, and crept slowly in their direction.
A strong hand grabbed his shoulder, sending jarring waves throughout his body.
It was Epstein.
You're not going anywhere, Doctor.
I've got something special for you.
Hawking's eyes lit up.
Finally, this was it.
The moment he had been waiting for.
Surely, Epstein had pitied him and arranged for the most beautiful virgin on the island to be sacrificed unto him, an honor only bestowed to the most prolific of their time.
Hawking snapped out of his daydream.
In front of him was a large yellow mini-submarine, floating silently on the dark blue water.
Oh, Hawking said.
I thought you'd be more excited, yelled Epstein.
I had this bitch modded out so you could ride in it.
So we could ride in it, together.
He was so sincere, Hawking couldn't say no.
Also, Hawking had no ability to escape, even if he wanted to.
He was literally trapped in his chair, trapped in this body, and no bitches to show for it.
I hope they fucking bury you with that last sentence on your fucking grave.
And with that, Epstein lifted him up and stuffed him into the cramped submarine before climbing in after him and sealing the door.
To Hawking's surprise, also in the submarine were Chris Tucker and Hillary Clinton.
Apparently she had been staying on the island waiting for Bill to finish with the conference, and the two of them would head to Saudi Arabia together the following day.
As thousands of rare tropical fish swam past the rounded windows of the sub, Hawking yawned.
It was getting late.
He became paranoid.
Had they kept him busy all day just to deprive him of the island's most famous attraction?
Bill would do something like that.
He glanced over at Hillary, who was injecting a small vial into her neck.
She smiled genuinely at him.
He always liked Hillary more than Bill.
He yawned again.
Before he drifted off to sleep, Hawking could vaguely hear Epstein yammering on about a herd of whales that was swimming alongside the sub.
As the submarine approached the dock, a handful of girls gathered by the pier, waiting to receive the boat's occupants.
Hawking could feel himself moving, but he knew he wasn't in his chair.
He looked up.
Epstein was carrying him, like a father carrying a child who had fallen asleep watching TV.
In his sleepy haze.
I got it.
Here's a picture of him on a deck at the main house surrounded by women, asleep in his chair.
Okay.
Oh god.
And that, my friends, is the story of Stephen Hawking traveling to Epstein Island.
