Premium Episode 211: Jake’s Takes Volume Two (Sample)
We got a hot one folks, and I mean literally. Join us for the second episode of our anti-QAA podcast, where Julian, Jake, and Liv attempt to make sense of our listener’s favorite YouTube clips, Conspiracy Theories, and popular culture mainstays. Listen with glee as our beloved listeners set trap after trap for poor old Jake, tricking him into platforming only the worst content – and demand his take on it as well. The gang covers everything from promisingly pilled YA novels to William Shatner’s singing and smoking habits. But mostly Jake just remembers embarrassing stories from his teenage years while Julian and Liv make fun of him.
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Music by Pontus Berghe. Editing by Corey Klotz.
When I was probably like 11 or 12 years old, we used to steal Marlboro red cigarettes from my buddy's dad who was a Vietnam vet.
You know where we would go to smoke them?
We would go to the elementary school.
That is cursed because you're just watching your buddy's dad be like, Charlie's been stealing my smokes lately, you know?
He's like spiraling down.
We did so many bad things at that boy's house.
His dad kept his carbine rifle.
It was like a wooden rifle that was in a bag that was his Vietnam rifle or whatever.
And we would go into the basement and take it out and play.
full on just play with it.
Like, didn't know if it was loaded, didn't know anything.
Just like, definitely, definitely not good.
Yeah, and we stole his Siggy's, and we ride over on our skateboards
to the elementary school, and the elementary school would get out,
so the playground would be kind of vacant, and we would like find a shady spot
to like sit on our skateboards and smoke cigarettes.
I remember getting so buzzed and being like, "Oh, I am like definitely the coolest person
"at this elementary school."
I remember trying to get weed when I was like a teenager and we didn't find weed.
And so me and my friend took cloves and took off the filter and just like fucking smoked them like as hard as possible to try to get high.
And we were so sick, dude.
He was puking.
I felt so bad.
Really turned on us.
I think the only reason I stopped smoking cigarettes is because it affects estrogen absorption.
I was like, that's enough.
Yeah, you were like, these Siggy's are getting in the way of my future.
So does that work?
Does that work for people who are not on like the treatment?
Like would it also block estrogen or whatever?
Oh, maybe.
I think it relates to, like, literally it dissolving in your, like, digestive tract, but maybe it affects, like, cis women, too.
Like, it lowers their estrogen.
Hmm, that's interesting.
Yeah, I hadn't thought about that.
I mean, it's lowering everything.
It's made my dick, like, half the size, I think.
Yeah, I mean, look, look, I, you know, I'm probably at a, I would say a 24% bald, and What?
My brother, my younger brother, basically has like a- 24?
I'm like 24% bald.
Um, and my- It's like the Oblivion slider.
Yeah, it might be less.
It might be less.
I might be overblowing it a little bit, but like, my brother, who's only two years younger than me- Thank God you've got max charisma.
Never smoked, never smoked.
His hair, it looks fucking great.
Yeah.
You think it's that?
I think it's because you're such a high-T individual.
I don't know.
Sometimes I don't feel like a high-T.
You're extremely aggressive.
A high-T guy.
Yeah, it's hard when we go out because you always want to fight guys at the bar.
No, but I mean, I think I've told you I've told you both this story on the pod, but like I switched up my like hair medication.
I switched to like a new product and ever since I did that because I saw the product through a targeted Instagram ad.
And I clicked on it and I bought it.
And ever since then, they have been sending me just the saddest targeted... It's like shoes that make you two and a half inches taller, and like, you know, boner pills, and... Oh, we figured this guy's got no hair, his dick doesn't work, his shoes are broken, his pants are probably down.
We're about to make a million dollars.
I just got one the other day that was like Benny and Sam's like boutique and it's like clothes for guys 5'8 and under and so they're like okay they're like this man this man is losing his hair his dick doesn't work he wants to be he wants to be taller and he needs a higher T I'm getting those those targeted ads as well.
It is true that it is like a whole you know it's like a white space that people haven't exploited enough you know they do the big and tall but what about the big and short?
Yeah!
What about the Danny DeVitos of this world?
Danny probably has his own clothier, you know, who, you know, makes custom stuff.
I have a really embarrassing story.
When I was in either junior, I believe it was junior high.
It must have been.
I don't think it was in high school.
You know, we were pranky bad kids in the way that, you know, I would, you know, I hung out with a group of like kind of bullies that my father suggested that I be friends so that they would stop making fun of me, which was... So you were like a capo?
It was like not, yeah, it was like not the best advice.
I mean, my dad usually gives like really, really good advice, but this was not the best because then I ended up being the lowest tier in like the bully friend group.
So I still got bullied, but I was bullied as an in group as opposed to an out group.
Your dad was reading Sun Tzu's The Art of War.
Keep your enemies closer.
Yes, yes, yes.
Did you use like the defense mechanism where you're like, oh, you're making fun of me?
I want to make fun of myself even more.
Oh yeah, of course, yeah.
Years and decades of self-deprecating humor that I've learned through therapy over time.
You forget that you were using it as a defense mechanism and you actually just believe it about yourself now.
It's like seeing a guy at the end of the hall and just immediately like, hey, I'm a faggot!
Don't need to call me that because I already know I am and I've Humiliated myself in front of everybody.
In fact, my laces aren't tied.
I just tripped and Oh smashed my own face into the log I remember this one horrible moment.
So I transferred schools when I was like, I don't know, probably in fourth grade, which is really tough because fourth grade is kind of when the friend groups are starting to form.
So I was a new kid in a new school.
The kids were like much more independent in the town that we moved to.
Most of my friends are fourth graders.
And I remember sitting in class, going to school the first day, and the teacher is doing the introduction, like, by the way, we have a new student.
I was like, okay, here it goes.
She's gonna say my name.
I gotta do something.
First impressions are everything.
I was like, I know I'm funny.
I was like, I know I'm funny.
I'll do a funny little bit.
No, don't do the tight five!
She called my name, and she was like, and our new student, Jake.
And I did.
Woah, that's crazy.
Your last name is the n-word?
(laughter)
(laughter)
I didn't want to lie and have her say "Jake Rogatansky"
And I put my hand up and did like what I thought was an impression of like the Princess Di wave where I kind of like looked around and did this like kind of you know Little Lord Fauntleroy style wave.
I thought it was really funny in the moment.
No laughter.
Nothing.
No reaction whatsoever.
I had to lower my hand in total silence.
On a Little Lord Fauntleroy Wave?
I was just trying to do like, in my imagination was, was that, here's what I was thinking in my head.
Okay.
I was like, I'm lowest on the totem pole.
I'm new kid.
I'm not super athletic.
Like my family isn't super wealthy.
So like, I don't have like the cool, I don't have like the Stussy shit.
You know, I don't have the JNCOs.
I don't have the cool stuff that, that others have.
You don't have the Airwalk shoes or whatever.
And so I was like, the joke is that I wave like I'm some kind of royalty, and the irony is what's funny about it.
Wait, you were in fourth grade making all this?
Yeah, too complicated a joke.
That's a very layered comedian for that age.
Yes, of course!
I'm a funny guy!
I think the whole thing is just realizing that there's no totem pole, you know?
I think beyond the totem pole.
Sorry, I've been watching Matthew McConaughey yell at me.
Oh yeah, I watched a little bit of that last night on your stream.
Oh my god, he's doing Tony Robbins with Tony Robbins.
Yeah, it's wild.
And he's in a Professor Xavier-like orb with Zoom people all around him.
And he looks bad.
He looks haggard.
He looks like he washed up on a beach somewhere.
And it's really embarrassing.
It's fucking embarrassing.
It's like this weird pseudo-spiritual grift where you realize that the whole format's actually evangelical, but it's a form of weird secular evangelical self-help stuff.
That's so bizarre.
And the weird thing is that these days, everyone's kind of looped around, right?
They're like, they went from liberal to basically kind of like right-wing Christians.
And so he's becoming Christian again even though he's doing like this weird secular Tony Robbins stuff and I think Tony Robbins is also he had a bunch of sexual harassment stuff and he's like a monstrous individual and uh yeah Matthew McConaughey and he made this book he wrote this fucking book called like Green Lights and this guy is like an 80s hair metal type idiot like where he everything is just car stuff he's like we gotta have your hand on the accelerator and then you'll be in third gear before you know it you're uh the winds in your hair, you're on the highway.
And then you don't want the green light 'cause if you have the red light,
sometimes you'll stop completely.
Yeah.
The amount of fame and sort of clout that we ascribe to actors,
I think is a really bad thing because on the one hand you have Matthew McConaughey.
Actors should be treated as what they are.
Menaces.
They're menaces.
They're liars.
On the one hand, you have Matthew McConaughey who created, I think, maybe one of my favorite and most poignant moments in any movie in the last, like, 20 years.
Which, of course... The shot where Magic Mike finally gets naked.
No, no, no.
It's the scene in Interstellar where he watches the videos that his kids have been sending and they grow up over time and he starts sobbing.
And you can't help- That is a good scene, I admit.
Even just like, now as I'm imagining the scene and sort of telling it to you, I can feel myself getting emotional because he is so good.
But then, yeah, he's in this weird Professor X Zoom room just doing basic phony bullshit actor stuff.
Oh, insane stuff.
It's literally stuff like, It's like a good ball cap.
You put it on, and it covers your head.
But only for so long.
After a while, you get dirt in there.
You get hair in there.
You get sweat running down your forehead.
And you know what you gotta do?
What do you gotta do?
You gotta change hats.
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