Premium Episode 196: Busting with Bigfoot (Sample)
Cryptozoological Romance Literature. Sasquatches, mothmen. Please enjoy some mental time off by following Jake and Brad down the insanely horny squatch-hole.
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Welcome, listener, to Premium Chapter 196 of the QAnon Anonymous podcast, the Busting for Bigfoot episode.
As always, we are your hosts, Jake Rakitansky, Brad Abrahams, Julian Fields, and Travis View.
Well, folks, what can I say?
It's time to let a little loose.
Specifically, let nuts of all genders and origins loose upon cryptids.
I guess that's the correct term for Bigfoot and his ilk, Sasquatch.
Yeah.
Just large hairy men.
Harry and the Hendersons.
The ultimate bears.
So join us to twink out and bottom for what will surely be the most hair suit lover of the year and kick off 2023 in style.
Brad, take it away.
Ever since I was brought on as a correspondent for the podcast, I've been figuring out how to find my niche.
Travis and Annie are known for exemplary research into pressing issues, Julian and Liv bring us melted and crazed reports on contemporary niches, and Jake dazzles with his original writing, comedy, and cinematic nostalgia.
As the Inner Earth correspondent, I've done a few stories on New Age religious and spiritual groups, but lately I've been thinking about how to drive the pod even further into the depths of esoteric miscellany.
Yeah, you did elves to us, so this is a perfect follow-up to a piece of shit.
Are you kidding?
This is a fun day of recording for me.
I'm excited.
Jake finally doesn't have to think about... Yeah, I don't have to think about how shitty the fucking world is and how fucking hopeless everything is.
When I originally pitched this idea to Jake and Julian, part of me hoped they'd say no.
I gave them multiple opportunities to back out, worried this might be too hot for QAA.
But each time, they assured me it would be great.
And so, today, I must preemptively apologize to most of the listeners, and Travis in particular, as Jake and I immerse you into the world of cryptozoological romance literature.
As both a lover of the field of cryptozoology and having made a documentary about paranormal interspecies romance, I felt somewhat prepared and qualified for what would await us.
But as usual, I was dead wrong.
First, a brief history lesson on erotic literature with Jake.
Erotic literature can be traced back as early as the 18th and 19th centuries.
With the arrival of authors like Jane Austen and Anne Radcliffe, stories featuring strong-willed female characters rejecting society's restraints were finally being told.
In the 1930s, following World War I, historical romance novels flourished, with epics like Gone with the Wind.
New subgenres emerged, blending romantic fiction with other types of literature such as horror or suspense.
What is this new Jake voice?
It's the Erudite voice.
These books, known as Gothic Romance, remained popular up through the 1950s.
However, slowly over time, the genre began to boil down to essentially two or three people of the opposite or same sex in an exotic location fucking and sucking each other dry.
Gone was the satire and social commentary, and in its place, unbridled pornography.
As it stands today, 83% of erotic fiction readers identify as female, and out of that 83%, 81% of them are white.
Nice.
In an effort to appeal to the readership, male authors are often encouraged to use a female-sounding pseudonym, so that's a pro tip out there for any listeners looking to get into the porn lit biz.
Wow.
Some psychologizing has been done on why the genre is such an appealing escapist fantasy, for women in particular.
The main thrust is that while these monsters embody masculine traits, they don't represent men themselves, thus partially sidestepping the trauma, terror, and patriarchal actions of real men.
As a genre, romance with strange beasts has been with us for millennia, most notably in Greek mythology.
Zeus transformed into all manner of creatures in quest for romance, including an eagle, a bull, and fucking someone while he was a swan.
Unfortunately, Zeus was doing all of that against people's wills.
Yeah.
Zeus?
Problematic guy.
Yes, there are even rock drawings from the Paleolithic period that show a man with an erect penis standing behind a goat.
Hmm.
Well... Many more human-god-creature couplings abound, with perhaps the strangest being the impregnating of a cloud.
That's a Greek thing.
That's a back wall you can't hit.
In contemporary literature, monster love took off in early vampire novels such as 1897's Bram Stoker's Dracula.
In movies, one of the most notable examples is 1958's I Married a Monster from Outer Space, in which an alien race bent on domination wants to learn about human love, and eventually, interspecies procreation.
When it comes to cryptozoological romance specifically, one of the first tales comes from a quote-unquote true account.
In the summer of 1924, Swedish-Canadian lumberjack Albert Osman had Canada's first Bigfoot encounter, and perhaps the world's first recorded abduction.
After a grueling season felling old-growth trees, Albert rewarded himself with a little gold prospecting vacation in the British Columbian wilderness.
One balmy evening, he was awoken by a commotion outside his tent and was swiftly abducted by a massive Sasquatch and taken to the valley where it lived, along with its wife and two offspring.
Over three bizarre days living with the beasts, he intuited why he'd been taken there.
The Patriarch Squatch wanted him to mate with his daughter, who was the last of his line.
In a truly surreal sequence of events, he escaped and lived to tell the tale, swearing to it under oath in a Canadian High Court.
Excuse me?
There was a Canadian High Court on whether this guy busted in the Sasquatch's daughter?
Dear God.
Come on, this was 1924.
Underground comics artist R. Crumb was a big fan of the story and adapted it into a comic book that was both pornographic and an anti-capitalist rat race screed.
I'm also in the process of adapting the original story into a narrative film.
Here's a few panels from Crumb's comic for you guys to look at.
Oh dear god.
This is insane yeah.
Oh no.
Oh he's like he's the the man has his face near the female Sasquatch's um you know nether regions let's put it that way and she is just busting all over the place and then she finally just squats and and completely swallows his head.
Yeah, as we find out in my reading in particular, it seems as if Sasquatches are obsessed with the idea of Dome.
Like literally getting your whole Dome into it?
Yeah.
Oh no.
Yeah.
This is a new way to give Dome.
I don't recommend it.
You need to breathe.
The rise of Crypto Erotica took off with the advent of Amazon's Kindle Direct publishing platform, and for a time was a surprisingly lucrative genre.
One of the power players, under the pseudonym Virginia Wade, was pulling in up to $30,000 a month from ebook sales, with hundreds of thousands of downloads.
She's most famous for her Come for Bigfoot saga, which had 16 installments, but she's also written stories about horny vikings in Come for the Vikings, parts 1 to 5.
Good morning, how are you, Virginia?
Hi, I'm great, how are you?
alien. It was apparently a family affair with her English teacher dad doing the editing
and her mom doing the German translations.
Dear lord.
Here's an interview with her and a morning radio shock jock where she talks about her
inspiration for the series.
Good morning. How are you, Virginia?
Hi, I'm great. How are you?
I'm doing good. So how in the world you have this monster sex series which has the books?
I can't even I don't even know if I can describe the I don't even know if I can say the title
It starts with a C word, three letter C word, four, it's that word for Bigfoot.
How did you even come up with the idea to write Bigfoot erotica?
It literally just popped into my head.
I had been writing erotica for a couple of months and I was kind of successful, but not really.
And everybody else that I knew in the business was writing all these daddy stories, and all my daddy stories bombed.
They didn't do very well.
So I kind of rebelled.
I thought, well, why don't I write about sex with this creature from the woods?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So now I have to imagine this woman's father editing her stories about fucking... Wait till you hear some of the stories.
You haven't even heard it yet.
No.
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