Premium Episode 194: Elves (1989) Movie Night (Sample)
"Oral. Santa said oral." It's a Christmas movie that dares to center incest, nazi breeding experiments and a cast clearly paid in cocaine. Thank you, Brad, for this Christmas delight. Keep in mind last year was "Babes in Toyland." Be grateful.
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Editing by Corey Klotz.
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Welcome, listener, to Premium Chapter 195 of the QAnon Anonymous Podcast, the QAA Movie Night Elves episode.
As always, we are your hosts, Jake Rokitansky, Brad Abrahams, Julian Fields, and Travis View.
Welcome, folks, to what I can definitely say is the most demented movie night we've ever summoned from the depths.
Elves.
Except there's only one, but Elf.
Yes.
Elf.
The concept of elves.
Not the Will Ferrell movie.
Definitely not the Will Ferrell movie.
But maybe they took a little bit of inspiration from this.
I don't know.
This is a 1989 movie that is certainly a cult movie for B-movie connoisseurs.
Specifically in the kind of schlocky horror category.
I found no evidence that this film premiered in a movie theater.
I don't think it did.
There's no way.
I think this was the original.
It would have to be rated triple X just for the themes, not even necessarily for what they show.
The film has a PG-13 rating.
Come on.
It does.
It actually does.
Nobody agreed to watch it.
Or in the late 80s.
Everyone was so coked up, they were like, yeah, I'd show this to a 13 year old.
Poltergeist was PG.
Their rating system back then was... It's PG-13, but if you believe that the women in this are actually teens.
And you know what?
They don't look a day over 28 for high schoolers.
So yeah, so today we're going to be exploring the very Christmassy, very lovely movie, Elves.
A real delight, a normal movie.
And I can't wait to get into it with you guys because I was at every turn shocked.
And by the end of the movie, after an hour and a half approximately, I went to bed like I had been hit with like a sledgehammer or something.
I was just dazed.
Uh, by the experience.
So, can't wait to share this with everybody.
Maybe our most demented.
Definitely our lowest budget.
But maybe, maybe our best.
Maybe the best movie we've ever talked about on this show.
Probably THE best movie.
And I'm starting to think that it's because Jake had been picking the movies all along.
You know what?
I watched this with a kind of half-cocked grin, like a child experiencing a movie for the first time.
I do miss movies being so clearly like a drug smuggling ring of some kind.
The availability of narcotics on this set must have been so high.
Well, I mean, look, I think we're hitting a little bit of a pattern here, because the last movie that we did for the holidays was the 1986 Babes in Toyland.
Which was most certainly a drug smuggling ring.
It had to be.
Almost certainly was.
But there was, like, such a higher level one.
They had to, like, try to pull off, like, a family-friendly movie.
Whereas this, they have zero interest in whether you can watch it with your Nana, Your grandpa, your family who's over for Christmas.
This is an anti-Christmas movie and the characters, I mean, say as much.
It's an anti-everything movie.
It's great in that way, that it's a supremely cynical movie that just wants to have a lot of fun.
It's an anti-humanity movie, honestly.
Pure misanthropy.
I really relate to it.
So, let's just jump right into it.
My God, man.
Where do we even start with this movie?
So, Elves was recommended by our very own Brad Abrahams, who has a real talent for finding the most bizarrely-pilled content floating around in the ether.
Yeah, I just want to say, since I was the first to watch it, I immediately Regretted recommending it, and I tried kind of frantically on Signal to offer up alternatives, but you guys, you weren't hearing it.
Why?
Why?
It was too good.
No.
It's brilliant!
It was too good.
No, I sensed that too.
I was like, oh, I was like, Brad has started to watch this.
He regrets his choice.
He's worried about the judgment that will flow his way upon the three of us watching the film.
You know, it was my first recommendation, so I was understandably nervous.
The only real critique I have is that the sound was so badly recorded that it was sometimes hard to get the amazing lines to your ears so you could understand just how great the writing was.
Because the writing is, it's just people having fun.
Whatever happened to people having fun?
Yeah.
My wife was sitting behind, I was at the computer watching this, and my wife was sitting behind me watching Happiest Season, which is the gay Christmas movie with, what's her name, the girl from Twilight.
I mean Christmas is always gay.
The girl from Twilight and Dan Levy's and it's really it's actually really funny movie and so that I had that in the background bleeding through my headphones which contained elves and it really was it really was a spiked punch Christmas I mean yeah this felt drunk after after watching this That is one thing that this movie is not, is homosexual.
This is like one of those, like, deeply cynical movies that, like, it's 1989, but, like, the sexual politics might as well be, like, late 60s, early 70s.
You know, this kind of, I don't even know, just the reveling in the depths of heterosexual rolling around in the mud and hay.
Yeah, Santa, both Santas in this movie are definitely not gay.
Everybody's horny as fuck.
Everybody is super horny.
And this was like an era where I'm pretty sure sexual assault was just like cool kind of.
It was not that bad.
It was how you knew, look, it was just kind of how you knew you were dealing with a bad guy.
Right, yeah.
It was a very easy way for filmmakers to be like, this guy's a real piece of shit.
A little bit, I guess a little bit of a warning there that there's going to be some talk of sexual assault and maybe some animals are going to get hurt.
Yeah.
Oddly enough, both premiums that I've prepared to record today have sexual assault in them, so not a great way to head into the holidays.
But I've rarely seen a movie treated so gingerly.
They are not shocked.
Nothing can shock the people involved in this movie because they are scar-facing cocaine between shots.
As you'll see, I mean, the assaulter does pay the ultimate price at the hands of the Elve.
Well, everyone basically pays the ultimate price in this movie.
Yeah.
Anyways.
Everybody.
Yeah.
I don't know if there's one person who gets out okay.
No, not really.
Maybe the little brother.
He's a piece of shit, too.
He's a piece of shit right off the bat.
Right off the bat.
I've got that clip, of course.
Maybe the funniest line I've ever heard in a fucking movie.
The little kid was the best part.
Yeah, that was unbelievable.
I cannot imagine.
You know what?
You know what's so cool is that he was allowed to wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas while he delivered the most fucked up lines as a child.
I know, and I'm 100% certain.
I saw three things in that boy's room that I, myself, owned or wore.
Oh yeah, for sure, yeah, because I was born in 83, it's 89 when they make this movie, He has a framed Ghostbusters 2 poster in his room with the No Ghost, with the peace sign logo.
Infamous.
Awesome.
And I was like, oh my god, I had that.
I was like, I had the Ninja Turtle pajamas.
I had the R2-D2 C-3PO sheets.
At least this caused Jake some I see, I like.
Which is one of the major emotional tenets of Jake.
Jakey see, Jakey like.
I'm gonna light mine as well.
Oh man, this is gonna be so fucking fun.
There's no way to even discuss this movie without chain-smoking.
I fucking loved this movie.
Chain-smoking is a part of this movie.
We'll talk about Santa's smoking.
That's a very big part of his character.
Oh yeah, huge part.
He never doesn't have a cigarette.
That's a great way to write a character.
I'm pretty sure it's because the actor is unable to breathe without smoking at that point in his life and he's just like no I'm not gonna shoot a movie if I can't chain smoke.
There's a scene where he's like running out of a library after like you know doing some research and he's like running to his car and I was like surely surely he's not gonna have time to Very frankly, that character is amazing.
this like scene and he gets three three steps down pulls out a lighter puts like
what looks like a half like a half smoked Ricky butt into his mouth and lights it up and he's puffing it as he's
running to the car.
Very frankly that that character is amazing I love him so much and I wish
Santa Claus was actually like that. He'd bring you a fucking carton of pomols.
He is so fucking cool in the movie.
He really is.
He's so chill.
He has such drip.
He's cool.
Yeah, his drip rules.
He looks sad all the time.
He's wearing mascara.
Now, okay, so, I think you can gather by now that I really liked this film.
I think it did some interesting things.
This is the first time I agree with you, Jake!
I think it did some interesting things.
We both liked it!
It is a totally melted holiday take on what I would categorize as a Thrasher film.
I think it actually is, in a weird way, less paranormal and more kind of in that Thrasher style.
What is Thrasher?
Thrasher is a guy with a knife terrorizing young teenagers.
That's Slasher.
It's Michael Myers.
He's mixing up Slasher and Thrasher.
What did I say?
Thrasher.
It's like a skate movie or something.
I said Thrasher?
I didn't say Slasher?
No.
I meant Slasher.
What did I write?
Well, it doesn't matter.
It's more of a Thrasher film because it couldn't acquire the rights to be a Slasher film.
I know why I wrote Thrasher because you guys will see in a sec.
Well, there's a lot of thrashing around.
You know, like you're doing, smoking ciggies.
I'm not.
He's lying.
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