Premium Episode 105: The Loch Ness Monster (Cryptid Series) Sample
A graveyard of scientific careers. The dark undulation of vertebrae below the surface of a Scottish loch. The men who have dedicated their lives to it. And of course Jake Rockatansky will be your diving instructor.
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Episode music by Nick Sena (http://nicksenamusic.com), Pontus Berghe & Owen Hughes
Welcome, listener, to Premium Chapter 105 of the QAnon Anonymous Podcast, the Cryptid Series' Loch Ness Monster episode.
As always, we are your hosts, Julian Fields, Jake Rokitansky, and Travis View.
I initially had titled this series North American Cryptids, but since I have virtually no oversight and a bad case of untreated ADHD, I had to force you to even do a follow-up.
I was like, remember you started a series?
I've decided to take the very second episode in the series international.
Loch Ness is a lake in the Scottish Highlands.
It is 755 feet deep, plenty deep for a prehistoric creature left over from the Mesozoic period, who has survived and reproduced for millions and millions of years, or some surprisingly well-credentialed people believe.
The Loch Ness Monster has lurked in popular culture since the 30s, and similar tales of creatures in the lake even stretch back as far as the year 521 A.D.
It's a mystery so intriguing that a fair number of hunters, historians, and roadside wagon salesmen have obliterated their reputations in search for the beast.
In a way, lakes were the first 4chan.
You can't see the bottom, and it's kind of, there's these murky, incomprehensible depths.
And so you start to just imagine, just a fever fantasy.
So kick off your shoes, put a snorkel in your mask, and meet me in the murky waters at the bottom of the lake as we plow through the reeds in an effort to experience one of the oldest, most prominent cryptids of all time, the Loch Ness Monster.
This content and research has not been verified by the QAA Board of Advisors.
Saint Columbus stood, his burly arms crossed, gazing out across the long stretch of lake.
He was a monk of Irish descent, in the middle of a lengthy pilgrimage through the highlands of Scotland.
As he and his disciples debated how to reach the other side of the massive body of water, a small commotion drew their attention to one of the lakeshores nearby.
Picts, a Celtic-speaking local people, were dragging a corpse towards the lake's edge.
The monks watched as the group began to perform a funeral for their fallen comrade.
When Columba ventured forward bravely to ask how the man had come to die, the group explained that he had been slayed by a mysterious monster that had appeared beneath the lake's mirror-like surface.
Then, without warning, St.
Columba placed his staff across the dead man's chest, reviving him almost instantly.
The Picts were amazed and grateful.
And Christian now.
They were, however, somewhat puzzled that St.
Columba then ordered one of his followers to swim across the lake in an effort to reach a small wooden boat that had been beached on the other side.
The follower disrobed and dove into the water without hesitation.
Soon after, those standing on the shore noticed movement in the water.
A large beast breached the surface, its jaws open, hurling itself towards the unlucky disciple.
The Picts and members of Columbus' clan waved and shouted in an effort to warn the swimmer that he was about to be eaten.
But then, St.
Columbus squared off to the shore, made the sign of the cross with his hand, and commanded the beast be gone.
Then the blessed man observing this raised his holy hand, while all the rest Brethren, as well as strangers, were stupefied with terror, and, invoking the name of God, formed the saving sign of the cross in the air, and commanded the ferocious monster, saying, Thou shalt go no further, nor touch the man.
Go back with all speed.
Then at the voice of the saint, the monster was terrified and fled more quickly than if it had been pulled back with ropes, though it had just got so near to Luna as he swam that there was not more than the length of a spear staff between the man and the beast.
The Picts were so taken aback with St.
Columba's ability to control the monster, as well as raise their dead, they asked to be converted to Christianity on the spot and were baptized right there on the edge of Loch Ness.
So some Christian motherfucker used Nessie as a way to scare the Picts into becoming Christians.
Beautiful.
And that, dear listeners, is the first known historic account of the Loch Ness Monster, at least according to St.
Adamnan, the ninth abbot of Iona, whose account of the tale was written, well, over a hundred years later.
So take it with a grain of salt, but I believe that this is exactly how it happened.
Of course!
St.
Columba was a real guy.
He lived from 521 to 597, which was incredibly old for the early A.D.s.
He was a major force in getting the Irish and Scottish to convert from paganism to Christianity, and there are many schools and institutions named after him in both of those regions today.
Definitely the inventor of some early proto-adrenochrome He lived 76 years.
Yeah.
I mean, people were dying when they were 21.
Yeah.
Columbo was an author, an abbot, there are even two poems attributed to him.
He also was involved in what very well might have been the first copyright war, the Battle of Coldremna, after finding out that a competing writer had stolen some of his material.
The war lasted over five years.
What?!
I actually couldn't fucking believe this, so I sought out another source, and it checks out, the war was also known as the Battle of the Books.
I can't believe it.
He was a pedant.
He was like the first pedant.
This motherfucker shut down Kazaa.
Dude, the people went to war for five years.
It's like the war lasted for literally half a decade because this guy was like upset that
like another author had like misappropriated his words.
He's a living DMCA notice who converted a bunch of perfectly good Celts to Christianity.
This was a time where people plagiarized each other's work all the time.
They incorporated other work because there was no way to catch it.
And so this was like a normal practice.
But he was so furious, he spent a significant chunk of his life just battling.
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