Premium Episode 97: Mudfossil University 202 (Sample)
The fossilized limbs of dragons, colossal fish and human giants can be found in your backyard. Return with us to the Mudfossil University and learn about the knowledge we've lost: meteors made of meat, the truth about the Bermuda triangle, and the vaginas of giants encased in cave walls. The episode ends with a story about Florida Flynn & his blessed father Michael.
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Last time on The Adventures of Florida Flynn, Florida and his father, Michael Flynn Sr., had traveled to a forest in Poland in search of the Nazi gold train.
Instead, they found themselves on the verge of a massive battle between ancient giants and large patriotic eagles that swooped down at the very last minute to aid Michael Flynn Sr.
in his greatest military accomplishment, the Battle of Prague.
As the dust cleared, Florida stood shakily to his feet.
Strewn about in the Polish forest around him were mutilated giant carcasses and wounded
eagles struggling to take off back to their shelter in the mountains.
Florida cupped his hands over his mouth and called out through the trees,
Dad!
But only the mockingbirds replied, Huuuuu!
Huuuuu!
Huuuuu!
Their shrill cries echoing through the blood-soaked trees.
Only a couple feet in front of him, Florida Flynn saw O'Keefe and his entire animal crew slaughtered.
Gorkabear's body had been torn in half and hung naked across two separate trees.
It was a grisly sight.
Like Mussolini?
Again, Florida called out to his father.
This time, more desperate.
Dad!
There's no reply.
The forest surrounding him seemed massive.
A lush labyrinth that reached out and scratched at his arms as he stumbled through the brush, looking for any sign of civilization.
His head reeled from the melee.
The battle had been spectacular, better than any Marvel movie Flynn Jr.
had ever seen.
By the end of it all, Flynn himself had slain four giants.
But his father, the crazy son of a bitch, His father had killed 17.
Before long, the forest gave way to dirt paths, the paths gave way to roads, and soon, Flynn Jr.
was on an airplane heading home to Florida.
As he looked down over the sheet cake of white clouds below, his mind kept replaying over and over Amazing action sequences that had taken place just hours before.
Memories became dreams.
You didn't want to write the battle?
Huh?
No.
Memories became dreams and soon Flynn Jr.
was fast asleep, his aching body sitting motionless in the airliner seat.
His duffel bag felt like it was filled with cinder blocks by the time Florida stepped out of the taxi cab in front of his modest flat.
Once inside, he collapsed onto the worn couch and instinctively reached for his Xbox controller, even though he knew nothing could compare to the exhilaration of the battle between Giant and Eagle.
He needed to collect his thoughts before he could even start to think about tracking down his father.
At this point, he could be anywhere.
Florida scrolled through his library, completely apathetic about every single game he had.
Nevertheless, he began researching Skyrim mods, eager to find a superior load order.
A message notification popped up on the screen.
It was from a user Flynn Jr.
didn't recognize.
He pressed a button on the gamepad and a block of green text appeared on the upper left side of the screen.
Junior.
They're watching you now.
Meet me at the old house.
5pm.
Shop."
Flynn Jr.
looked down at his watch.
It was 4.45.
He exploded off the couch, grabbing his leather coat and hat on his way out the front door.
On the street, a couple kids were smoking cigarettes, mulling around an old Triumph motorcycle.
Flynn flew through the lobby doors and quickly hopped on the bike, kick-started the engine, and began to peel out into the street.
The kids began to chase after him.
Hey motherfucker, that's my bike!
One of them called out, you weren't using it.
Flynn shouted over his shoulder as the bike breached 60 miles per hour on the dimly lit street.
Florida merged onto the freeway, weaving in and out of the already speeding traffic.
The sound of metal on metal jerked his head backwards.
Behind him, enclosing quickly, was a large militarized APC, driven by a man with thinning hair and a rat-like expression.
Deep state operatives hung off the side, automatic rifles gripped tightly in their gloved fists.
Unfortunate motorists caught in the tank's wake were cast to the side like tin cans.
What was gaining on Flynn?
He revved the engine.
Pushing the bike as damn near fast as it could go.
It wasn't good enough.
The armored vehicle inched closer to his back tire.
Out of the corner of his eye, Flynn spotted a moving car carrier.
He cranked the throttle and kicked up onto the truck's ramp.
Flynn Jr.
carefully altered between the gas and his brakes, delicately making his way over the hoods of the cars as the group barreled down the freeway.
Right as he reached the frontmost car, he felt a searing hot pain in his left arm.
A bullet had grazed his flesh, soaking his tan linen shirt with blood.
He could see the APC, now only a couple meters away.
An agent, his gun raced right at Florida.
Where's the gold, Dr. Flynn?
Flynn scoffed.
He had no idea what the agent was talking about.
You got the wrong guy.
I only invest in boner pills.
The agent seemed to look disappointed.
Ashamed, Dr. Flynn.
We were prepared to make you and your father a very generous offer.
Flynn Jr.
was perplexed.
But before he could respond, the agent loaded a fresh magazine into his weapon and took aim.
Florida had to think quick.
He gripped the handlebars, shifted his weight forward, and pumped the throttle.
He scooted down off the hood of the car on the second level of the massive carrier, the
steel beams of the truck groaned beneath the weight of the bouncing bike.
With a final hop, Flint Jr. slid his back tire over the chains locking the automobiles
into place.
Here goes nothing.
He gripped the brake hard and cranked the throttle.
The wheel of the bike screamed to life, instantly snapping the chains holding the cars in place.
Like dominoes, they tumbled off the truck in a brilliant ballet of twisted metal, pummeling the pursuers.
Flynn let the bike coast down off the cab of the truck before bouncing with a light thud and skid on the cement highway.
He coasted over to a nearby exit and disappeared into the streets.
After stashing the bike behind a nearby dumpster, Flynn crossed the street briskly, making his way towards the old family house.
His father used it on and off as an office when his work had become particularly demanding.
Florida glanced around, then grabbed a hidden key out from under a rock in the garden.
He slipped through the old faded red front door and into the house.
The smell of pipe tobacco hit him instantly.
His father had been there.
Dad?
Florida called out.
His voice fell flat over the empty rooms and hallways.
He crossed into the living room and immediately was startled by a large object covered by a tarp.
Florida's heart sank.
His eyes scanned the carpet for ethernet cables.
Nothing.
Hmm.
He relaxed a little.
Perhaps Dad hadn't fallen back into his old habits after all.
For all he knew, the large object hidden underneath the grey tarp was a chemistry set.
Something completely harmless.
As Florida began to cross away, he noticed something.
A small, raised cord at the base of the doorway molding.
Impossible, Florida muttered out loud.
He leaned in a little closer.
The cable was incredibly thin.
He traced it along the molding, up the side of the doorway, and over the arch.
The job was very clean.
Surely his father couldn't have pulled off such a professional setup.
Could he?
Florida's heart began to race as he traced the cable towards the tarp.
No, no, no, no.
As he lifted the bottom of the tarp to his horror, he saw the thin ethernet cable plugged into the back of a giant Alienware computer.
It worked to life, casting a neon blue glow across the entire room.
No, no, please God, no, not again!
Florida Flynn ripped the tarp off, revealing two monitors, one flipped vertically.
He began to panic.
Come on, Dad, you can't do this to me again.
Literally your setup that you just put together.
In the eerie blue light, Flynn Jr.
spotted an off-brand webcam, mounted ring light, even a VR headset.
He collapsed to the ground in defeat.
Bang!
Florida reached through the cracked door and snatched the envelope.
Thanks. He closed the door and quickly did both of the locks.
Flynn Jr. meandered over to the living room couch, examining the package.
He pried it open and out slid a small, translucent piece of futuristic-looking glass.
Flynn Jr. stared at it, confused.
It looked like one of the miniature scales he'd used in college to sell meth.
But this one was different.
As he pressed his thumb over it, a neon readout scanned his thumbprint and blipped to life.
Insanely high-resolution text began to scroll across the screen, a moving waveform danced across the bottom of the tablet, and a familiar voice began to speak.
Junior, please forgive the cryptic nature of my communications.
As I'm sure you've already observed, the Deep State is more than willing to sacrifice innocent lives in an effort to get to us.
If you're listening to this now, I can assume you've outsmarted them.
Kudos.
No doubt you've got a hundred questions, and Junior, I can assure you I have one hundred answers that we will discuss one day soon.
But I don't have much time.
I found the gold boy.
In those tunnels beneath the Polish forest.
It was never on a train, my dear boy.
It was in the veins of the rocks.
Ancient giant's blood, pressed over millions of years and mixed with minerals turned to solid gold.
Miles of it!
I've made us a very wealthy man, my boy.
By now you've no doubt seen the impressive upgrades I've made to the office rig.
Which brings me to my current predicament.
You see, approximately three hours ago your time, I connected to the internet at such impressive speeds, I was somehow able to rip through the very fabric of time itself.
Florida Flint slumped back on the couch, his jaw slack as his father's message continued.
When I awoke, I found myself in some kind of secret government facility outside of New York.
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