Timeless Wisdom: Male/Female Hour: Criticizing Your Spouse
Dennis Prager dissects criticism in marriage, citing John Gottman’s research that contempt is the only relationship killer, and advocates for an 8:1 positivity ratio. Callers like Barbara and Catherine share humorous critiques that backfired positively, while Debbie’s husband’s public corrections draw Prager’s sharp rebuke as humiliating. Peter credits a pastor’s advice—"you chose me, flaws included"—to curb criticism, and Laura’s mother’s 95% confession reveals generational cycles of conflict. Prager warns constant criticism signals incompatibility unless tied to deeper commitments, urging listeners to audit their own ratios and reframe critiques as care—not contempt—while subtly plugging his books and website. [Automatically generated summary]
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Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.
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I like two sexes.
And another thing, all of a sudden, I don't like being married to what is known as a new woman.
I want a wife, not a competitor, competitor, competitor.
Talk about a bit, this crying in the morning thing, this depression.
Let's get that fixed.
That's what men think, isn't it?
Well, unless you've got the answer, unless you can say, oh, I know this bloke in the Essex Road, it could fix that.
Then there's no point bothering.
How do you rate women so well?
I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
I love him.
I love him.
And I don't care what you think.
I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man that he almost is.
What do people have rows about?
Money, sex, sex, money.
He wants, she doesn't want.
She wants, he doesn't want.
Women have always been a big problem to me, Dr. Fusspend.
Are you listening, Doctor?
Yes, yes, yes.
Go on, go on.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Male-Female Hour on the Dennis Prager Show.
Every week, the second hour of my program on Wednesdays is devoted to men and women.
I call it the male-female hour because it's about the natures of us.
It's not just about the man-woman, but the even deeper, the male-female about us.
So, here is today's topic.
It is about criticizing your spouse or your significant other, if you prefer that term.
I can't stand it, but we'll include that group as well.
I cite a I won't cite the man who gave me this quote because I don't want to put him on the spot when he's not here, but it was a very witty, a witty line that a friend of mine told me many years ago.
He said, In the beginning, God created men and critics.
And whenever I have said this at speeches, people have cracked up, especially the men.
The men, they absolutely adore this line.
And it's the reason that people laugh at any such lines, people don't laugh at a line that they can't relate to.
If I had said in the beginning, God created men and poets, I don't think anybody would laugh.
They would say, what do you mean?
But nobody ever says, what do you mean?
When I give the line, God created, in the beginning, God created men and critics.
Now, we recently had a show about certain of the things that men do that drive women nuts.
And I often agreed with them and added some thoughts of my own.
This week, it's not so much about what women do that drive men nuts, and I'm only talking about the criticism thing.
It's about both sexes.
There are men who criticize their wives a great deal.
So I want to talk to you about the issue.
And by the way, this also applies to friends.
Remember, everything that applies to friends applies to marriages, except for the sex part.
And that's why I consider friendships to be so incredibly important.
And I think people should date for friends just like they date for spouses.
That's how important I consider friendships.
But here is the question on criticism.
How do you do it?
When is it okay?
And how much do you do it?
Those are the questions.
And oh, wait, I'll tell you, there's an even more important one in some senses.
Why do you do it?
Are the criticisms coming from a good place?
And so this is the issue.
And I'd love to get your takes as much as I want to give you my take on this subject.
Because if you feel that there is this issue in your marriage or your relationship, I would be very interested in hearing because I want others to hear as well about this subject.
And the subject is criticizing our spouse or our boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, partner, whatever the term may be.
I happen to like marriage, but that's not the specific issue here.
It's the issue of men and critics, or indeed women and critics.
So it's a tough line here to balance.
Because on the one hand, if someone never says anything about any way at all in which you can do better, I mean, you know, is it a criticism to say you have something between your teeth after you've eaten?
Is it a criticism to say you're speaking too loud at the restaurant?
You know, what it's unnatural to never have anything of a critical nature to say to the person that you are involved with.
And loving criticism dispensed lovingly, obviously coming from a loving spot, can be one of the greatest services you can perform in a marriage or in a friendship.
But on the other hand, we all, I think, either experienced or have seen elsewhere where there is simply too much of it, where the relationship seems to be a continuous stream of criticism.
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877-243-77776.
Is this an issue in your relationship?
Have you given this thought?
Here is a thought that you might want to consider.
How about for have some sort of even keep account that for every criticism you offer, it has been couched in eight positive statements about the other?
That you have an eight to one ratio.
I'm just throwing out a number.
Maybe it should be three to one, maybe it should be fifty to one, but that you have some sort of ratio of positive reinforcing good statements to your spouse, your partner, as critical ones.
And then you have to figure out too: what is it that is coming?
Where is the criticism coming from?
Is it really disguised anger?
See, that's what, and the recipient needs to figure out as well: am I hypersensitive?
Is this just a loving criticism?
Or is it really just disguised anger?
And is the person just hyper in what they want me to be?
And is the criticism an attempt to change me, or is it an attempt to improve me?
And how much improvement?
It's a very, very complex issue, but the very fact that I'm raising it is helpful because a lot of people don't even think about this.
How much do I criticize?
How much am I criticized?
Where is it coming from?
How, what tone am I giving it?
And what, let's put it this way: I think it's fair to say that the most harmonious relationship will probably have less criticism.
Is that a fair statement?
I mean, you look, it's one thing to be criticized by your boss.
You know, I wish you had done a better job in X, Y, or Z. Next time you submit this report, next time you go on this sales pitch, do this.
It's one thing to be criticized by your boss.
That's what a boss is there for.
I mean, they hired you for a job.
You've got to do the job well or they get rid of you.
But your spouse isn't your boss.
They didn't hire you.
Well, they did hire you.
I take that back.
Actually, I have a view of marriage as a form of hiring.
I have hired a partner for life.
That's a fair statement.
But putting that aside, it is much harder for most people to take criticism from a loved one than from a boss.
And it ought to be, by the way.
I think you should take criticism from a boss very, very matter-of-factly.
That's their job.
I mean, if they're hyper, they're hyper.
That's a separate issue.
But you have to figure out how much.
And my bottom line is that the less criticism, generally speaking, the more harmonious the relationship.
A good relationship does not thrive on a lot of criticism.
All right?
Let's be honest.
Maybe it does in work.
Maybe two business partners thrive critiquing each other all the time for the sake of the business.
That's possible.
But it doesn't work in the micro.
It does not work in a family life, in a family situation.
That's different, by the way, than from kids.
I think you should criticize your kids when necessary, but that's not a relationship of peers.
And you're not seeking, you shouldn't be seeking to be loved all the time by your kids.
You should be seeking to be loved all the time by your spouse.
So the one of you that is doing a lot of criticizing might ask, am I rendering myself very lovable with all of this criticism?
Now, that doesn't mean there should never be.
Of course, there should be.
But I do stick with this statement that the less there is, generally speaking, the more harmonious the relationship will be.
I'll take your calls when we come back.
This is the male-female hour on the Dennis Prager Show, 877-243-7776 or 18-Prager 776.
And I also love to read your emails on these subjects.
Back momentarily.
This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.
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Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.
Hi, everybody.
Dennis Prager here, the male-female hour on the Dennis Prager show every week, this hour, the second of my three hours, on Wednesdays devoted to men and women.
And this is a very complex subject, the issue of criticizing your spouse.
My rule of thumb is the less the better.
On many grounds.
One, the less you do, maybe because the more you love about the person and therefore feel less necessary to do.
Another reason is the less you do, the more when you do it, it can be heard.
If you criticize so much, then eventually what really matters won't be heard in the din of all of the other critiques.
And at a given point, how much do you love somebody that you continually criticize?
What's to love?
On the other hand, you know, we can all stand improvement in various areas.
And if you know the person loves you, you have to ask, and this is very, very significant.
Here is a toughie for a lot of people.
You have to ask when you're criticized, is the person perhaps right?
It's a fairly uncommon reaction because the instinctive reaction is to defend oneself.
And, you know, let me give you a macro example because I get a fair share of very angry criticisms of me.
I mean, I wouldn't even say criticism.
I'd say attacks on the internet and elsewhere.
I mean, they're very public.
Public Attacks and Contempt00:07:29
You can easily find them if you search.
And I will be honest with you, I have learned to think, is there any legitimacy to the attack?
I mean, the way they're saying it, I think very low of the person doing the attacking, but there are times that I will also say, well, is there any is the attack completely invalid or overwhelmingly invalid?
Or is there some truth to it?
Now, but that's easy for me to do because these are not the people I love in my life.
These are strangers writing, so I can easily do that.
It's much harder with the spouse, I fully acknowledge.
But still, if your spouse has credibility and you know that they love you and think well of you, that's the critical thing.
Here is a critical thing that you need to know.
And then I'm going to take your calls.
I think the man's name is John Gottman.
He's in Seattle.
He's considered by many to be the greatest expert on marriage in the country, on marital relations.
He is so good at this, apparently, that he can watch unobserved through a one-way mirror.
He can watch a couple for a few minutes and tell you in how long they'll divorce.
I mean, the man is amazing.
And he has said couples can recuperate from anything except one thing.
They can recuperate from an infidelity.
They can recuperate from the death of a child.
They can recuperate from the loss of jobs.
They can recuperate from a terrible accident.
They cannot recuperate if one has contempt for the other.
It is the one thing you cannot, a marriage cannot survive.
Contempt.
So if the criticism is either delivered contemptuously or is perceived as coming from contempt, then it dooms the marriage.
If it comes from love and from the opposite of contempt, respect, if you know your spouse thinks highly of you, but just as you would tell a great baseball player, you know, well, let me just show you a little way you might hold the bat even better and do even better, that's a big difference from, you know, you're a real loser.
And, you know, then there's no chance.
All righty, let's go to some of your calls here.
Atlanta, Georgia, and Barbara.
Hello, Barbara, Dennis Prager.
Hi.
My husband gave the greatest answer to my criticism one day.
I was nitpicking at something and said, why did you do it that way?
And he said, because I live to irritate you.
That is.
See, I tell you, if men learn to use humor when their wife is a little annoyed, it is one of the great weapons at men's disposal that they do not know of.
Well, I know.
And that makes me think anytime I might say something to him, why am I criticizing him?
You're a good wife.
You're a good wife.
But you admit then that.
I'm sorry.
He's a better husband.
He's fancy.
Oh, well, that's very.
Tell him.
Tell him what you told me.
I hope just as long as you tell him what you told me, that's great.
So you basically agree with this comment.
God created men and critics.
In my case, yeah, I tend to be a little critical.
Barbara, I love you.
That was great.
That was just great.
See, she acknowledges it.
I think there is, look, I think there's truth to the statement in this way.
And God knows there are men who criticize their women far too much, of course.
But there is truth in this way.
Did you ever notice how much more women groom their men?
Did you ever see once a guy flicking off little tiny pieces of God knows what from a woman's dress, his wife's dress?
No.
How often have you seen the wife fixing the guy's collar, tie, lapel, shirt, suit jacket, right?
It always reminds me of the monkeys.
It does.
It reminds me of the monkeys in the zoo when you're watching them groom each other.
That's how I, for whatever reason, I always get that image in my mind.
And so because there is a part of a woman, I do believe this, there is a part of female nature that would like their man to be perfect.
I'm not saying it critically.
I mean, there are a whole host of images that men have and so on.
Anyway, so let's go.
Let's continue to get more of the calls here.
And we go to Catherine in Ulis, Texas.
Hi, Catherine.
Dennis Prager.
Hello.
Hi.
We'll be married 10 years this month.
And I fully believe that with criticism, it should be far and few between.
My husband was part of the Christmas party and sang in a trio.
And he had a solo at the beginning, and he killed it.
And he had all these compliments from everyone.
And as we were going home, he asked me how he did.
And I said, do you want me to be nice or do you want me to be honest?
And he said, well, I want you to be honest.
And so I thought for a minute and I said, that was the best performance by Kermit the Frog.
And he was quiet for a minute.
And then he just said, now you know my secret.
I can't sing in public.
And so he just took it in stride.
Oh, I have a big smile.
I wish you could see me personally.
I had a big smile on my face this whole dialogue that you were recounting.
You did a very good job.
Thank you.
And I'm on your side.
Look, I think the less the better.
That's what I said for a harmonious relationship.
You know, in fact, I've always used this.
This was given by Irving Crystal, the godfather of neoconservatism.
He said, you know, there are folks in America always criticizing America.
Oh, they are constantly criticizing America.
They say, well, we criticize it because we love it.
He said, yeah, but what if a man criticized his wife as much?
Would you say he loved her?
Something to keep in mind.
Stay tuned.
This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.
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Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.
Hi, everybody, and welcome back.
The Dennis Prager show, The Male-Female Hour, second hour Wednesday each week.
I love your emails on this.
It helps me writing my book on the male sexual nature, by the way.
But whatever the subject on male-female, I keep them.
I keep your letters on it, and I learn a lot from them.
And you open up to me because, well, frankly, I'm pretty open.
Subject today is the tough one of criticizing your spouse.
On a very complex subject, my bottom line is that generally speaking, the less the better.
It doesn't mean none.
None is not a good idea either.
But the less the better.
If your spouse is so worthy of criticism as for it to be a constant, then clearly you have chosen the wrong person to be married to.
I mean, come on, let's be honest.
If you really are married to someone who is deserving of constant criticism, then unless you have a philosophical, moral, religious reason to oppose divorce, then it would seem to me that that would be the most logical thing.
And even if you say, well, we're staying together for the children, it's a very difficult thing to answer.
Is it better for children to see a parent constantly criticizing the other or to experience divorce?
I don't know.
I don't know.
The answer, most honest answer I could give you is it depends on the child's nature.
But it's hardly a beneficent experience for a child to see a spouse criticized all the time.
The odds are that that's exactly what the child will do with either his or her spouse or have done to him or her when they choose a spouse.
So it's a pretty tough thing.
And what you might want to do is count.
How many criticisms have I offered my spouse this week?
Make a list.
Every time you do it, just write a little number down.
1-8-Prager776.
And let's go to Debbie, Escondido, California.
Hi, Debbie, Dennis Prager.
Hi, Dennis.
Thank you for taking my call.
Thank you.
Yeah, I've been married about 10 years to my husband, and he's a wonderful man, very capable.
I tell people there's nothing he really can't take apart and put back together, that he's very intelligent.
But he tends to kind of pick at things, especially in my speech, if I've mispronounced a word or said something that he felt was incorrect.
And over the years now, it seems to have undermined my confidence in myself because he looks at it as, I'm just giving you a suggestion on how to do that better.
But, you know, now I'll stop and I'll hesitate before I do something because I don't like the criticism.
You know, and so now give me a specific example if you can.
Well, if I've mispronounced a word and he'll stop me and say, no, you said it should be said this way.
Okay, now, is he doing that in front of others or just when you two were talking?
Both.
Okay, well, I disagree about it being done in front of others, and I agree with it being done when you're alone.
So I'm between the two of you, because in front of others is there's a humiliating aspect, which should never take place.
Sometimes I feel like you knew what I meant.
Yes, he does, but I'm just kind of like.
Well, the question, all right, so the question that then you have to say, look, you could say to him, look, honey, the truth is, I don't care if I mispronounce words when I'm speaking to people.
It does not matter to me.
And so he'll have to make peace with that.
But I think it should matter to you.
Well, yeah, of course I do want to be speaking correctly.
But, you know, it's gotten to the point where I'll stop.
I don't know.
No, I understand because you're so self-conscious.
I understand.
Well, that's why I can't answer because I'm not present.
That's why the one no-no I had was with regard to when you're in public, because in public, and anything that even smacks of humiliation is just a no-no.
It's a tough call there.
I know I would want to be, I would want to be.
Why Criticism Must Be Addressed00:12:02
Look, I speak for a living, so I would particularly want to be corrected by my wife anytime I mispronounced a word.
Okay.
Anyway, we'll continue.
This is the Male-Female Hour on the Dennis Prager Show.
Hello, everybody.
This is Dennis Prager, the male-female hour, and the subject is criticism of your spouse.
While no relationship should be criticism-free, none.
Because it almost means you don't care about the person, and you're not their close friend.
A close friend does lovingly criticize, but it's how you do it, how often you do it, why you do it, those are the things that matter.
And you have to be prepared to accept it under the circumstances.
You, the recipient of it, have to accept it under the circumstances that they are given with love and respect and solely to better you and so on.
So these are appropriate.
I have changed some of my driving habits, I will admit, because of my wife's loving way of noting some of my tendencies.
That's right.
That's fine.
All right.
Let's take more of your calls here.
It's a huge subject.
Peter in San Antonio, Texas, Dennis Prager.
Thanks for calling.
Hi, Dennis.
How are you?
Okay, thanks.
Let me take you off speakerphone out, actually.
Yes, please.
Can you hear me?
Yes.
Okay, I apologize.
I appreciate your show, and I learned so much from you.
I appreciate it.
I think God's plan for marriage is oneness.
So when you criticize your spouse, you're basically criticizing yourself.
One of our the pastor, when we first came to know the Lord, he used to have a good comeback and said, Whenever you criticize each other, you'd say to each other, you know, well, you're just as this or that because you picked me.
You married me.
You knew my faults before we got married, more or less.
And that has settled quite a few criticism sessions in our marriage.
We've been married for 21 years.
Right.
And I think I criticize my wife more than she criticizes me.
So, how did you how did you start reducing the amount of criticism?
What changed your mind?
Well, you ask God to give you love for your wife, or at least seeing things from her point of view.
But that's excellent.
But even before that, what happened was you went for counseling based on the amount of criticism?
No, I think, no, this was a comment made from the pulpit.
Oh, how interesting.
Oh, so that work.
Oh, very good.
Bless that pastor.
See, pastors and radio talk shows, we never know what line will affect somebody.
That's very important.
Well, that's very good.
And that's why I said earlier: look, if you find that you are being constantly criticized or you are constantly criticizing, then either you have to reduce it dramatically or realize that you were married to the wrong person.
Somebody worthy of fairly constant criticism is not terribly livable with, right?
I mean, one has to be honest with oneself.
And the ratio of beautiful comments to criticisms has to be a very high one.
That's the thing that you, that I want to leave that with you is.
I want to embed that in your mind that there be this very large ratio of compliment to critique if.
If it's you, you've made the person raw.
It's like they have a broken bone and you keep keep hitting it.
If, if the if criticism is the primary mode of expression that you have toward your spouse okay uh, let's go to.
Uh, some more of your calls here and uh oh, here's an important one, San Antonio, Texas.
Laura hi, Laura.
Dennis Prager hi, Dennis hi, I might should get together with Peter in San Antonio, the last caller.
Right, I was a contentious family growing up.
And I never really could identify who was the most offending, my mother or my father.
It just helped shape me as a married person to determine to not be as argumentative as they were.
And something interesting happened.
My father died suddenly in 1992.
And within that next year, my mother said something to me that really surprised me.
And it was typically an ownership type statement.
She said, I was responsible for 95% of the arguments that we had.
Wow.
Which made me really sorry for her because of 43 years.
You know, it takes its toll.
There's a cost.
There's a price every single time, you know, picnic pic.
Now, she found a repentance in it, and she's totally whole and good and healed from it.
But it just showed me that I was right, you know, myself 33 years ago to make.
Well, you were a very wise young woman then because it is just as likely to repeat parental errors as it is to learn from them to do the opposite.
Absolutely.
And it's, frankly, it can just be habitual.
I mean, it doesn't have to be very scientific.
It can just be stinking habitual.
Yes, that's exactly right.
That's exactly right.
Well said.
That's why, look, if there's a lot of it in your marriage, it's not good, folks.
I mean, it's something to know.
It's something to know.
It needs to be reduced.
The amount of compliments has to be increased.
It has to be cushioned.
You have to figure out what it is.
And if the person is really worthy of such constant criticism, then you shouldn't be with that person.
Now, if for philosophical, religious, familial, psychological, financial reasons, you can't divorce, then you don't divorce.
Fine.
But I mean, I'm only mentioning the D-word, the divorce word, not to encourage it, but to tell you how serious constant criticism is.
That a divorce may well be preferable to that for all concerned, not just the spouses, even perhaps for the children.
So this is a very big deal.
It's not just a nuisance.
It's destructive after a while.
And even if your criticisms are legitimate, then if your criticisms are legitimate, then it just reinforces the D-word.
Back in a moment.
This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.
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Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.
You say goodbye, and I say hello.
Hello, hello.
I don't know why you say goodbye.
I say hello.
Alrighty, hello, I say hello.
Dennis Prager here, the male-female hour.
Terrific calls on a very important subject.
Your emails will always be appreciated and read, even if I can't, of course, respond to all of them.
The issue of criticism, and let me summarize some here.
I know Paul in Minnesota has been on since the beginning, I feel terrible, more critical.
He's been more, it's about criticizing your spouse.
This hour has been.
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And here is one where I think a spouse might be better able to listen to a stranger, quote unquote, in other words, a third party, me, than perhaps to you.
But the rule has to be that the fewer the better in terms of criticisms.
Doesn't mean none, though.
Does not mean none.
So Paul's more critical of his wife, especially in regard to organizing the house.
Well, you just got to figure out a way to, I'm not saying you can.
I'm not a utopian, but figure out a way for you to minimize your criticism and for her or you both to figure out how a better way to organize the house or you figure out how to live with it.
Something has to give because continuing this way is just going to be a bad marriage.
You don't like the way she organizes the house and you keep criticizing.
Something has to give.
I mean, and there are a lot of variables there.
If Ryan and Atlanta, Georgia says, one has to choose in marriage between peace and truth.
Rarely can you have both?
God, I'd love to talk about that at greater length.
That's why I say the truth is the greatest macro value, not necessarily the greatest micro value.
Interesting point there.
And let's see here.
Jim in Texas, you learned to go to the Lord with criticism first.
I'm reading off his own words and would realize that I was often wrong with my criticisms, and my wife would do the same.
I believe you, and I think it's a great idea.
Now, I wish I could have taken Steve if you could call on Friday, Steve.
What do I do if I have a criticism that is important, but I am afraid to hurt my wife?
That's a very important subject.
So let me just leave you.
Buffett On Savings And Compound Interest00:01:41
And yes, and in Denver, Michael, you criticize the action, not the person agreed.
Again, the rules: the less the better, but that doesn't mean none.
And keep a little accounting of compliments, number of compliments versus number of criticisms.
It's been the male-female hour on the Dennis Prager Show.
This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.
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