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Oct. 28, 2025 - Dennis Prager Show
01:02:16
Timeless Wisdom - The Problem of Happiness - Part 6
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Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.
Here, thousands of hours of Dennis' lectures, courses, and classic radio programs.
And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com.
Next obstacle is not one that any of you experience, but I hope you can relate to it on behalf of others.
Equating happiness with success.
This is a it is a universal problem, but it is even truer in a competitive place like America, the Western world generally, and certainly the United States.
I will prove to you what a no-win situation that is.
This will help you immensely.
And here it is: it is a classic no-win situation.
There are only two possibilities.
You attain that success, you don't attain that success.
In either case, you're finished.
If you attain the success that you have equated with happiness and find that you're still not happy, you're finished.
There is nothing more frustrating in life than attaining what we thought would bring us happiness and find out that it isn't worth, I don't want to use the thing that I'm thinking of, a barrel of licorice.
Okay?
Just that is a terrible thing.
On the other hand, if you don't attain it, you will walk around permanently unhappy over not having attained it.
Either way, you are finished.
How do I know?
Well, first of all, there's a very simple rule of thumb I would suggest to all of you.
I would like you, and I mean this sincerely, these recommendations are not theoretical.
I would like you to imagine someone that you can have access to.
I mean, obviously, most of us don't have access to the president.
But I'm sure that any of you can have access to someone you think has succeeded to the point of the success that you would equate with being happy.
Ask the person if that success has made them happy.
That's all.
It's an extremely simple test of the thesis.
So I ask you to do the following.
Number one, define, if you do believe that success will bring you happiness, define what success.
Chief executive officer, certain income, whatever success means.
Your book will sell.
I don't care what it is.
Six children.
Whatever you will define a success, write it down.
Number two, go to whomever has already done that and say, you know, you've achieved what I don't even say why.
Said, I'm doing a study on happiness.
Would you be so kind as to tell me, has this made you happy?
The chances are you will be told of another goal the person has.
Because what happens if you equate happiness with success, you keep moving the goal line backwards.
This is the problem.
If your goal is $100,000 a year and you earn it, your goal becomes $150,000.
And listen, I am not at all immune to this.
It is an ongoing joke in my office.
Whenever I complain about the circulation of my newsletter, my secretary wants to shoot me.
She was with me when it was at 723.
It's now 5,723.
And I walked around like, hey, all we haven't even hit 6,000.
And just today, she said to me, you said that when we hit 5,000, you will be so thrilled.
I asked her not to remind me of those stupid comments.
And why did I tell her, not thinking of my own thinking on this issue, the truth is, Pat, I said, I feel at about 10,000.
As the words came out of my mouth, I knew what drivel I was spouting, because at 10,000, I'm going to be absolutely disgusted that we're not at 15.
Now, it's very important, though, that you know this.
I do take most of my advice seriously.
I was happy at 723.
I'm happy at 5,723, and I'll be happy at 10,723.
But I always have a goal of more.
That is what I told you with expectations last time.
I don't depend on a circulation figure, because that's where I devote most of my time to my journal.
That's my work, so to speak.
Radio is just two nights a week.
Teaching is one night a week.
That's my work.
So it's very important to me in every way.
But I don't equate my happiness with it.
There is satisfaction at any number.
And let me tell you something.
A dear friend of mine is a priest.
And I have asked him frequently.
We know each other about five years.
And I want him to be Pope.
That's my goal in life: that my friend become Pope.
However, the chances are he will never even be a monsignor.
The major reason is he's not an organization man, and you've got to be an organization man to get up in the church, just like you do to get in at gimbal's.
Gimbal, you never heard of gimbal.
At Broadway.
Gimbal, isn't that amazing?
Where the hell did gimbals come from?
Now, he told me an interesting thing, because I kept saying to him, listen, if you get to be a cardinal, look at all the people you'll influence.
And he made an interesting point, which had a real effect on me.
He said, I'd rather influence the people that I can touch in my parish than be removed from anyone and touch peripherally a million.
He said, I get much greater satisfaction visiting one woman who needs to see me because her husband died than of making proclamations that will affect 10 million.
It had a very deep impact on me.
That is why the numbers, sure, I want 10,000.
But that is why?
So what's 10,000, though?
Do you understand?
There are 6 million American Jews, 13 million Jews in the world, and 250 million Americans, and I've got 5,700 subscribers.
That is a joke.
It is an absolute joke.
You think I don't know that?
For a newsletter, it's unbelievable.
Compared to the world, it's a big joke.
One needs perspective in these areas.
And next term is going to be one of the ongoing words: perspective.
So I don't have a figure at which I'll be happy.
I'm happy.
I get a letter from somebody.
Your article touched me.
I gave it to my child.
It influenced my child.
That is real.
That's joy.
So if I got 10 times many letters, would I be 10 times happier?
No.
It's one of the common misconceptions that people have about people who are public, that they must have multiple times of happiness than people who are in private.
The cardinal, because his words are heard by 3 million, must be 3 million times happier than my friend, the parish priest.
It's not that way at all.
My friend is much happier than the cardinal.
He gets to talk to real people with real tears and real laughter in a real living room.
And is the person that he touched deeply in the living room less important than the other 9 million?
It's 9 million ones.
Ask that woman whom he visited.
It's very important.
Write it down because I'll take this today, more questions.
Very important, this thing about success.
It is very important to want to succeed.
I believe that emphatically.
I can't stand waiters who don't take pride in their waiting.
Or doctors or any whatever the profession will be.
I was a waiter for two summers, and I remember vividly a deep sense of pride that my tables were served fast, prompt, and I got them doubles first.
It was, it was a major, it was a real thing in me that I just had to be, you know, doing that well.
In this regard, therefore, I was going to say that I'd be the best waiter I could be.
And this brings me, this brings an important statement, again, from Jewish sources that is very helpful.
I don't think I told you the Rebzusha story.
Reb Zusha dies and goes up to heaven.
It's not a joke, so don't get ready for a punchline.
All these goes up to heaven.
Things are always jokes.
This is not a joke.
It's just a good story.
Goes to heaven and meets God and immediately apologizes and says, God, please forgive me that I was not as good as Moses.
To which God responds, that is not the issue.
The only question is, were you as good as Reb Zusha could be?
You know, it's a cliche in America, be all you can be, but it is absolutely true.
Otherwise, what does success mean?
And that is why, when I'm writing the book, I am asking the reader to do a very real thing.
Write down what level of success will make you happy if you believe success will bring happiness.
You've got to write it down.
It's very, very important.
Whatever your field will be, write it down.
And then as soon as you write it down, you'll start laughing at yourself.
This is my favorite month of the year because the Forbes magazine 400 Richest have been listed.
Have I ever told you about why I like it?
Oh, it's very important.
This is where, this is a good example of where I have no guilt over feelings.
These feelings are pure malicious.
I tell you right now, absolutely.
I make no bones about it, no question.
My joy at the Forbes 400 list emanates from the following: everyone in America, mostly males, so every man in America for whom making big bucks is the most important thing in his life, has a miserable November.
And I get a big kick out of it.
I love it.
It's the only issue I look at.
I love it.
See, all year long, they're walking around going crazy to make big bucks and sometimes even thinking they've made big bucks.
Right?
Out comes Forbes 400, and the big picture didn't even make the list.
I love it.
I love it.
And here's the best part: let's say you made the list, and you're 323rd.
He's 323rd.
What a nerd.
What a nerd.
323rd.
You know, my God, would anybody be happy if they were listed 323rd in a graduating class?
Can you imagine that?
It's downright demeaning to be on that list.
But you think number three is happy?
Number three is sitting there knowing there are two guys ahead of him.
Now, how about number one?
Right.
We all assume number one is thrilled, even on the possibility.
Let's say he is.
Let's say number one is absolutely the quintessence of happiness on earth.
I don't believe it for a second, but let's say he is.
So do you realize how terrible that is for the rest of us?
That's how I always feel when BMW comes out with a new model.
I get such a kick out of it.
All the people who thought that the great last model is going to bring them happiness, their day is ruined.
They spend $62,000, and that doesn't include dealer preparation charges for a 720i, and BMW pulls the rug under them with a 725.
It has 92 valves in its engine.
The thing is actually a steam engine.
It could pull a train.
I get a job out of all of it.
It undermines everybody's possibilities for happiness.
Anyone who equates any of this stuff.
See, the joke is, though, and listen, I told you already with the numbers, the circulation numbers.
I'm as lured by all of this as any of you.
But that is so that is just a good example of why you've got to have the brain talk to the feelings.
I talked to you about insatiability, right?
Here's a good example.
Monetarily, we're insatiable.
We're insatiable with success.
At what point you've got to answer your question.
Whatever you wrote down for the success, at what point will you say, ah, I've now succeeded.
That's the trouble, by the way, with hedonism.
Hedonism and success are both like the proverbial touchdown, the goalposts at a football game.
Every time you gain 10 yards, they move the goalpost back 10 yards.
So you're constantly gaining yardage, but you never can say, oh, I finally have a touchdown.
I have finally scored.
When can you say that in your life about success?
Whatever is your profession that's usually associated professionally and monetarily, at what point?
What will do it?
And for parents for whom relying on the kids, what will they have to do to make you happy?
In other words, what level, what will you define?
Oh, if this is done, I will become happy.
Then you start to realize none of this works.
That clearly it's not the area to look to.
I will add, though, since I live in the real world, failure is not a guarantor of happiness.
That's very important.
Success doesn't guarantee happiness, but failure certainly doesn't.
The trick is not to fail.
The trick is not to identify success with happiness.
That's the key thing here.
And that is why I would ask you, as I did before, define it, find somebody who's met that definition, and then find out.
But I know in your gut, you know what the answer will be.
A rabbi once made a great, great comment, and I don't usually remember comments, but it had a deep impact on me.
He said, I've met a lot of men on their proverbial deathbeds in the hospitals when they were dying.
I never met one who said, you know, God, I regret I didn't spend more time at the office.
In that regard, I think it's a very helpful thing to think: what do you want to be able to say on your deathbed?
It's not at all to me macabre or sad.
I think it's a very real thing to look into.
That's why I always threaten people with the television thing on their tombstone.
Here lies so-and-so who watched 82,332 hours of television.
Is that what you want to say?
What do you want to say?
My friend wants to be able to have these memories of touching those people in the living rooms, not of being able to have risen high in his church.
That too made a very big impact on me and very much quieted my own screaming inside me for big stuff.
I wanted to run for office.
I understood that.
The thought that I would be talking and only to 100 here, 300 here, writing articles here, when I could be a Congressman, that's what all my friends were saying, thinking, right, Dennis, you have this talent, you should be in Congress, right?
You're all looking at me like, sure, it's such a great thing, Congress.
Which is exactly what I learned and realized.
Because we all know what a deep impact congressmen have on our lives.
If we can only name them.
We're lured, we're lured by glamour, the glamour of success.
Whatever it'll be to be a partner in the firm so your name is higher on the stationary.
My God, what men will do to be higher on stationary?
It's depressing.
It's just depressing.
Another thing on success.
Ask yourself another question.
Why?
Why do you want that success?
Oh, God, will that open up tremendous insights into your own mind for you?
That is probably among the most painful questions most lawyers, businessmen, and other professionals can ask themselves.
Why do I really want that success?
You got to do it honestly.
It's the sort of thing that's worthy of a self-analysis with a professional.
Lie on a couch and stare at the ceiling and ask yourself, why do I want it?
Well, for many, it'll be money, but you've got to go much deeper than that.
Why do you want so much money?
Why?
It's a fair question.
For security, find out how secure you really are, and maybe you have very deep insecurities.
A lot of people who were raised during the Depression are secure at no income.
No income makes them secure.
When you didn't have a lunch to have, when you didn't know where you would sleep at night, you learn to be insecure.
Or is it so that you could tell others how much money you have?
Which, for many who didn't grow up in the Depression, is a very real reason.
That's what animates certain jewelry, certain cars, certain houses, certain everything.
The ability to say, I have succeeded.
Then you have to ask yourself the question: why is it so important that I make this announcement?
Why is it so important?
Do I not realize in myself what I have done?
Is there nothing else I have to show in life?
That's all I have to show for is if I can make a public announcement.
It's very important.
In that regard, I have always wondered, and I don't know, I know that I wanted to do a study of this, maybe one of you have ever read one: the place of jewelry in a woman's life.
And I say this non-critically, I mean, or at least not more critically than I say about men and cars and boats and all the other stuff.
But clearly, at a certain point, especially, my favorite is when it spends most of its time in a vault.
It's got to be purely psychological.
There's not even an intrinsic use.
At least the guy with his BMW enjoys it theoretically.
But diamonds aren't even enjoyed most of the time.
They're hidden.
And when they're worn, and when there must be a psychological element, it's worth finding out.
You'll know yourself better if you ask, why is that success meaningful?
That is why I've come back in this regard to what my friend did, and which I have felt in my life and has given me a lot of peace.
To know that, in other words, if my thing were a normal newsletter, I'd be preoccupied with the circulation figures.
This is the point of it.
Or the ratings and the radio show.
But if you start thinking that success comes from touching people's lives, well, then all of a sudden those other things are much less important.
We all want to succeed.
The question is, it's what?
And why?
And learning that about yourself is extremely worthwhile.
I have a friend who used to make an extremely good living as an accountant in financial things and then spend about half the rest of the year just doing charitable work.
He earned enough that period of time of the year to support himself quite nicely, thank you.
Found that doubling his income would do nothing except double his income.
The only thing he would achieve by doubling his income was a doubled income.
But the other part of the year, doing charity work for organizations that needed financial advice was infinitely more successful and rewarding.
That's why you have to ask yourself.
That's with the money.
If you really ask yourself about success, you may come to another reason.
You want to impress your mother.
Who knows how much of what you're doing is to impress your father, to impress your mother.
Remember in New Yorker magazine, they had a cartoon once of some regal guy on horseback.
This is a monument to General William Bradwick, diplomat, statesman, soldier, philanthropist, and still a disappointment to his mother.
Right?
I really wonder, I mean, that's the stuff, that's the beauty of analysis, to find out what drives you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can't impress this upon you enough, that if you equate happiness with success, it's got nothing to do with success.
The success itself needs to be analyzed why it's so critical to you.
Will it finally overcome a deep-seated inferiority complex from childhood?
Will it be to gain attention?
Will it be so that they, the famous they, will say, Wow, did you see Ed's house?
Do you see Ed's listing on the law, or that your mother can tell Helen, Helen, Sean is on the Yale Law Review?
These are the things that one has to ask.
Success is wonderful.
If Thomas Alva Edison did not wish to succeed, we would be sitting by candlelight here.
I am deeply happy that there are people who wish to succeed, including me.
But you must ask yourself why.
That's the key question here: to prove to yourself something, to prove to someone else something, that it's such a good indicator of what's really gurgling beneath the surface of your own life.
Why is it as important as it is?
Because it's certainly not going to bring you happiness.
If it brought you happiness, I would have to shut up.
Hey, for happiness, it's certainly worth it.
I always give the example of Jimmy Carter.
I mean, you can't succeed, my friends, more than being president of the United States, okay?
That is even better than a syndicated talk show.
That's as high as you can get on earth.
On earth, not just the United States.
It's the most important position on earth.
Jimmy Carter made it.
See, as a man, radiates happiness.
Jimmy Carter strikes me as the unhappiest man in public life.
I'm sure there are unhappier people in private life.
He's a driven, unhappy man.
He said it.
It's why he lost, by the way.
Remember, he was talking about the Malaise in America.
Most Americans thought it was the Malays in President Carter.
And that's what happened.
And then who did we elect?
The happiest man in America.
That's exactly.
We went from opposite to opposite, from the unhappiest man in America to the happiest man in America.
And unhappy people hate happy people.
It's a rule of life.
So what's part of the reason I think that Reagan was hated?
He was too happy.
It just bothered Jews.
Jews are an unhappy group, and it bothered them.
He shouldn't be so happy.
He didn't suffer enough.
It's disgusting.
He should eat maroor.
That is how Jews think.
Right?
Is that not true?
That is a Jewish man.
That's why Jews hated him.
Carter, they liked.
He's unhappy like us.
He's an honorary Jew.
Reagan was happy when he wasn't president.
Reagan's happy.
After being president, Reagan was happy.
While he was president, Reagan's a happy guy, right?
No nuclear war.
I think nuclear war is the only thing that would upset Reagan.
Otherwise, the guy walks around basically oblivious and happy.
That's it.
What are you going to do?
He's a lucky man.
That's it.
But in all honesty, nobody would say, oh, it was getting elected that made him happy.
It wasn't.
And it would be, that's another issue.
Another honorary Jew.
This is, yes, but I voted for Reagan twice.
Anyway, she said she takes it.
I'm a Democrat.
That is true, but I did vote for Reagan.
Anyway, the point is, it doesn't work.
Anyone you could think of in personal life, public life, it doesn't work.
So I ask those of you for whom success professionally, monetarily is critical, why?
By the way, if you would say, I want to earn double that I'm earning so that I can send the kids to college so that I could afford my mortgage, so that I could get my wife nice things, so that I could take a trip, so that I could, you know, whatever, so that I could, that's great.
It's not a mitzvah to be poor.
No, absolutely.
I'm not arguing here, folks, if you only knew the joys of poverty.
I don't argue that for a minute.
Not at all.
But again, if money is an end or money is a means, if it's an end in itself, I just want to be wealthy, then there's a reason to show off, to impress, whatever.
But if it's because, hey, you know what?
I love to spend money on things that I enjoy, I love life, I like to take trips, I like to do this, that's fine.
But Imelda Marcos had, what, 4,000 pairs of shoes?
No, no, no, no, that's a fair, it's a fair question.
There's no question, I mean, you know, I mean, this is the classic psychopathologic thing.
I mean, thank God she didn't collect cadavers.
No, I don't know.
Eddie Yamin did.
I don't mean that at all sarcastically.
When you have third world dictators, I personally prefer those who collect shoes.
Okay?
Let me tell you, among dictators, they're the more benign ones.
Shoes, alligator belts, that's fine by me.
You should live and be well.
Eddie Amin stuffed people in his refrigerator.
So it's a very, it's an you know, before we muck, all I'm using her as an example, though, I am convinced that she thought each new pair would bring her some happiness.
It's the only possible thing.
Shopping is a problem because I am guilty.
I enjoy it.
Not going to the store.
I enjoy getting things that I like.
But everything within certain parameters.
It's an ongoing debate between me and my older brother.
Since we are children, we both love music, really love it.
My brother had, so any of you who remember stereo equipment at all will remember this label, a KLH stereo.
I think he bought it for $190.
He had it until about six years ago, most of which time one of the speakers was broken.
So it was actually not even a stereo.
It was a Manio, Manio, Mano.
It was a mono system.
I would go to his house and say, you love music.
Why are you listening to this?
It works.
We all know people like that.
It works.
You don't throw it out.
The needle still went on the ray.
He had to put it on.
He had to lift it off, but it worked.
He did once buy a new needle.
I was very impressed.
So what happened?
Me, the heathenist brother, compared to him, shows up at a family function in Massachusetts a few years ago with a portable compact disc player.
Compact disc, my brother was still playing records on his KLH.
He hears this thing, little nothing size, like a bread box, with headphones, and you should have seen his face.
It was raptured.
He was raptured.
And he goes, How much is this?
I said, $250 plus the headphones.
That's a lot of money.
That's a lot of money.
My brother, God bless him, is a very successful doctor at Axley Pavilion of Columbia Presbyterian Hospital.
Okay?
Thank God doctors do well at Columbia Presbyterian, one of the most prestigious hospitals in America.
$250, and he loves music, and he's still at a KLH.
So I am here to tell you it is a good thing to enjoy life with your money.
On the other hand, the other extreme is the Imelda Marcos.
And that is where one has to analyze why.
So we've asked why the success.
Why money?
To impress others, insecurities, overcome childhood inferiority, impress your parents, and get adoration.
Okay?
Therefore, as I conclude this part, you must either redefine success or understand you will be unhappy.
You must redefine success or drop it from your goals.
But most people can't.
We want to be successful.
The question in life is at what.
Next term I will offer answers to at what.
This term I can only tell you, I can promise you, guarantee you, that in the normal ways in which it is in America, it won't work.
Somebody must do an analysis of why in America fame is so important to people.
The glamour, why glamour in this country is so big.
I don't understand it.
It is not true elsewhere.
It is not true.
It is at that part.
There are a lot of miserable things in Europe.
But the passionate urge to be known by many people is quintessentially American.
But it doesn't work either, obviously, as a source of happiness.
One biblical thing to conclude this chapter that I have found very helpful in my life: Moses never arrived in the promised land.
Nobody arrives in the promised land.
It has been a very great source of comfort to me.
It is a great story.
Moses takes the Jews out of Egypt, has the suffering with them of 40 years in the wilderness.
His life is devoted to getting, his biggest desire is to get into the promised land, and God denies it to him.
If Moses didn't get into Israel, you won't get into your promised land.
Everybody dies frustrated.
It's just a rule of life.
It is.
So, therefore, at any given moment, be contented with the attainment you have.
If you have, you don't have, then it is something for you to think about.
And the biggest thing to think about is what is attainment?
And if you can learn that it is touching human beings, not in great numbers necessarily, I think that you have achieved the pinnacle of success.
You know, I always say, it's ironic.
People live by one set of values.
We live as if certain things are important.
And the second we die, the really important things are the only ones that are ever mentioned.
Did you ever go to a funeral of a lawyer?
Did they talk about where he went to law school?
What law review he made?
The cases he won?
What number he was on the stationery?
Did you ever go to a doctor?
Or anybody's funeral?
Of course you have.
You know what they talk about?
What sort of person he was.
It's the only thing that matters.
If they can't find anything good to say about him, then they talk about him professionally.
But that's a come down from what they really want to talk about.
Oh, so-and-so, open house to people.
This woman had a smile for anybody.
And look at the kids that she was able to touch or her kids.
And, you know, and that's the stuff.
Not about this business acumen.
It's an interesting thing that it's at that point people know what really matters.
But we live as if other stuff matters.
And by the way, I talked about the falsity of beauty and other things at times.
It's an interesting thing.
I get a lot of letters from single men at my radio show who say, you know, women in Los Angeles, and it wouldn't matter if it's Detroit or New Orleans, but it's in LA to mention it.
They wouldn't give me a second look until I got a better car.
For all the women who resent men for placing too much emphasis on looks, please know that there is an exact equivalent on emphasis on car or house or income.
Guys write to me telling me, you know, I make X amount, make $35,000 a year.
I'm a teacher.
I love to teach kids.
I remember this vividly.
I have good values.
Here's a picture, so you'll see.
I don't have three years.
I'm a pretty good-looking guy.
But it's very hard to find a woman here.
A teacher?
You're just a teacher?
35 pal.
So, what you single women should do is a very simple thing.
Interview the wives of wealthy doctors.
That's all.
And you will see how happy they all are.
Then you will realize how right you were in wanting that as an important thing.
See, the stuff has to be brought home, or whatever I'm saying, is just theoretical.
People live by these flawed ideas.
These are not the other guy.
These are us.
And do we raise our daughters to want that in a man?
Listen, I totally agree that a man should be ambitious, goal-oriented.
Absolutely.
That's what makes a man a man in many ways.
Absolutely.
He should be a darn good teacher.
If he's a teacher, he should want to be the best.
Kids should say, oh, wow, Mr. Hurwitz walked in.
This is an exciting class.
But if the only way to see masculinity is in dollar signs, we have emasculated men, ironically, and women have done themselves an awful disservice because that man will not change when you're married.
That's whom he'll be married to.
The law firm or the dollars or whatever.
What kind of man?
Where is his character?
What makes a human being?
So believe me, I don't want a loser, schlumpy guy.
Absolutely.
That is a very fair statement on the part of a woman.
She wants, that's what a woman wants from a man.
Masculinity is strength.
Masculinity, I don't mean macho, I mean strength.
Desire to conquer the world.
But not to get into the Forbes 400.
That's different.
Any questions on success?
Okay.
Next.
There is?
I'm sorry, yes.
Everything, the question was, should a woman not be ambitious and goal-oriented?
Everything that I have said applies to both sexes.
However, a woman has to ask herself if she wishes to be, if she wishes to define her goals in career terms, does she want it or does she think society wants her to do it?
That's all I would say.
Do, I truly believe, you must march to the beat of your own drum.
I would not tell Madame Curie to stay home.
Okay?
I'm very cognizant of that.
I wouldn't tell the average woman to.
I believe in the bumper sticker.
What is it?
Housework rots the mind.
I believe it to be accurate.
Okay?
And any man, when I hear men romanticize raising children and making a home, I need an air sickness bed.
I do.
Absolutely.
Oh, no, I feel very strongly about that.
Oh, it's so beautiful to raise children.
Once they're raised, it's gorgeous.
The process of raising them is a very mundane one.
First, it's cleaning diapers, putting them to sleep, waking up at three, then just as you fall asleep, they wake up again.
They wait.
They wait.
No, no, I really believe it.
I do believe, ah, they're asleep.
That is part of the nature.
There is nothing glamorous, life-fulfilling in that.
Of course not.
I understand that.
But a woman has to ask herself: is she marching to the beat of her drummer or society's drummer?
And when women used to tell me in the 70s, at the height of feminism, that they were, it was more prestigious to earn $5 an hour selling things at May Company than to volunteer for big sisters or Hadassah or God knows what, I knew we were in bad trouble.
That it was not fulfillment, it was the ability to say, here is my check.
That was the issue.
Now, men are half the reason for that to be blamed.
I appreciate that.
I'm not blaming anyone.
I'm asking a woman to answer you as honestly as I can, utterly sympathetic to a desire to work outside the house, utterly.
But asking, is that truly what you want, or is that what you think will give you worth when you have a check?
That you too have a check.
Has your husband made it in any way, even subtly, an issue that he wants you to bring home a check?
All right, be honest.
These are very painful items, but they're important ones for either sex to go through.
I could only say, though, that women have a choice that men don't have.
A man cannot say, I don't like career.
I prefer, I think, a little income for a few hours a week and spend the rest of my time at home and/or reading and doing other things.
We don't have that choice.
Women do.
They might as well use it.
Therefore, either fully career, half-career, fully home, that's one of the advantages of being a woman.
There are disadvantages to being a woman.
That's one of the advantages.
Because if a man said, I'm not interested, frankly, in making a living that much, I just want enough to get by, and so on, no one would marry him.
And understandably, that's what I said earlier.
That's part of what makes men masculine, their ability to achieve in the outer world.
Now, one could say, well, these are old stereotypical sexist views.
I think that they are part of the bio-psychobiological sexual makeup of the human species.
But anyway, that's my honest answer.
I thank you.
Yes.
A woman who wakes up at 1 in the morning to take care of the needs of her child, that's a biological thing that men have a difficult time understanding.
I think that's on the same level as that parent priest, maybe meeting with a parishioner and connecting.
There is a certain connection that occurs, I think, between a mother and a child, and they're meeting the needs.
It's kind of a biological thing built in.
Good thing.
Because I told my wife, you know, when a kid's a year and a half, you know, let me know.
I'll tune in then.
And that's a very typical female attitude.
But I think there was a biological thing here.
Well, I am convinced that the male ear does not hear the frequencies of baby cries.
If that's what you're saying, it is remarkable that women tend to hear it while men snooze their way through the evening.
But about the biological thing and children, this is a very complex issue.
Wasn't it this class?
No, I don't think it was, actually.
Did you call her?
Listen, yes, I did call her.
Yes, I did call her.
My wife called her, I called her, she's been bombarded with calls.
Now she wonders, is anything wrong?
and now she's upset again.
I agree with you.
I know some of it was tongue-in-cheek about what you were saying, but in essence, I think that there is some of this biological kinship.
On the other hand, saying to a woman, look, your success in life, because this is your parish priest thing to me, as I understand it, is your raising of children, is a double-edged sword.
It's partially true and it's partially not true.
First of all, if a woman's meaning in life is going to emanate from her children, it places a terrible burden on her to produce, quote, produce, because parents are not the only producers of children.
So is society, so are genes, so is television, so are peers, so is the other parent, so were grandparents, et cetera, et cetera.
But it puts a terrible burden on her and a terrible burden on the child, because a child knows if it has become the meaning for a parent.
Who wants to be their parents' meaning?
Do you follow me?
That's part of the problem.
That is why I'm a very passionate middle-of-the-roader on all issues.
Yes?
It's biological, because there's a phenomenal connection.
It doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be later on.
Oh, okay.
Maybe you're right, but it doesn't, then it's not related to the question of success.
Fair enough.
Okay, that's all I'm saying.
That's all I want to make clear.
In other words, I could see a traditional male sitting in this room or traditional female saying, right, and success for the woman is touching the child.
Now, there is nothing more important on earth than raising good children.
The trouble is, there are many troubles.
One is it's an exceedingly difficult task.
Two, you need society's help.
Three, you need society's reinforcement that that is valuable.
In a society that says your only value comes from a check, and so therefore a woman act women told me when I was director of Brandeis Bardeen, I would meet couples all the time, and we would talk and talk and talk.
They would tell me there's more prestige to sell things at May Company than to raise children.
I remember on Friday afternoons, it was a tradition at the Institute, the 40 couples that would be there for that weekend would introduce themselves.
And I remember women would sheepishly say that they were homemakers.
And they would make up terms.
Domestic engineer.
I'll never forget that.
I'm a domestic engineer.
Because it was embarrassing.
But if you could say, oh, I sell at May Company, oh, that's prestigious.
I'm raising children, that's not prestigious.
See, that's society's problem as well as the woman's.
The husband and the society have not made clear how important that is.
Now, maybe in some ways it's not fully possible.
There's not the glamour in that.
And remember, the kids leave.
Your BMW stays.
It's a problem.
No, I mean it.
The kids do leave.
That is why it's so painful for so many mothers when the kids do leave.
That's why everything is fraught with a problem.
That is why the prime, you know, it is good to raise children, but the primary relationship, I believe, should be husband-wife.
But anyway, there are many other issues that are raised here.
Yes.
You know, what I don't understand is what would give women the idea that a successful man would equally want them if the woman isn't equally successful unto him.
I mean, you know, if I'm going to want a successful attorney, you know, just take an example like that.
A high-powered wealthy attorney in Central City isn't going to want to marry his secretary, his role as secretary.
He's going to want to marry another high-powered female.
There is some degree of disagreement with your theory.
All right, he's playing devil's advocates and he walked back.
Okay.
Even the devil wouldn't say that.
It's so not true that the devil would not have said that.
It doesn't work that way.
Why?
Because that's not what men seek in women.
He said, who is to say that men, high-powered attorneys, are not seeking high-powered attorneys?
He said, what do you think he's going to marry?
His secretary?
Exactly.
Okay.
That's the way it is.
Next.
All right.
Next one.
Next obstacle to happiness.
Told you by the end of this course, you will realize it's impossible to achieve.
You will leave further depressed than when you came and be forced to take term two.
Brilliant.
It is brilliant.
Which leads to success.
Which leads to success.
Those who take the Declaration of Independence seriously, that's the next obstacle.
Those who believe in the pursuit of happiness.
Very simply, ladies and gentlemen, happiness is not pursuable.
The one sure way not to achieve happiness is to devote great energy to its achievement.
If this is taught to young people early on, it will help them early on.
When I was director of this institute that I mentioned, Brandeis Pardeen, we had a summer college program, and what I would have the applicants do was fill out a form to enter.
On it was the question: what are your greatest goals and greatest values in life?
99 out of 100 would write to be happy.
And I would try to spend a month teaching them that they don't have a chance if that's their major goal.
It is one of the great ironies of life that it is not attainable happiness if you pursue it.
Therefore, this is a key rule, key.
And my fear when I speak and when I write on these things, and it's the fear that I had when I first thought about even talking about this, is that certain things are so true that they don't sink in.
And this is one of them.
Happiness is always a byproduct of some other goal.
You need another goal in life in order to achieve happiness.
And life is very shrewd.
It's been built as follows into the constitution of life.
You can't say, all right, look, my real goal is to be happy, but I will act as if my real goal is something else.
You cannot trick the fates.
They will know, and you will muff it on both.
You literally must adopt another goal as more important than happiness in order to achieve happiness.
Something must be more important than it.
That's the killer.
The only way to pursue happiness is by not pursuing it.
You must say something else is more important to me and not because it'll make me happy.
Because then you're trying to underhandedly trick the fates again.
That's tough.
That's tough.
And that is a very big, big area, which I'll discuss in the second term: of what are the other things that are possible to pursue as more important than happiness.
But it is just critical that you understand that now.
You can't ask what will make me happy.
Which brings me to the next obstacle.
The obstacle is happiness is awaited.
Awaited.
Most people, truly most people, think as follows: Something or someone will make me happy.
I'm not that happy.
Something or someone will make me happy.
If I win the lottery, if I get the right husband, if I get the right woman, I mean, how many singles do we not know who say, oh, he's miserable, but with the right girl, oh, or she, she's very unhappy.
But with the right guy, what happens is he's miserable, then he gets the right girl and makes her miserable.
Wonderful.
People don't make other people.
I mean, look, obviously, if there was no happiness to be derived from good relationships, it would be, you know, then life would be horrible.
Of course, one can say that he will be or she will be happy.
That's the point.
You understand the difference between happy and happier?
That's the point here.
Of course, ideally, the right person should enable you to be happier.
Of course.
Very depressing.
He's a very happy guy.
If he just meets the right girl, he'll be depressed.
That's not what we're advocating here.
People generally feel, I'm unhappy now, something will make me happy.
Forget meeting the right person.
Whatever it'll be, a raise, a vacation.
There is a reliance on something to do it.
I propose to you a very sobering solution to this.
Instead of generally walking around unhappy, waiting to be made happy, walk around happy, waiting to be made unhappy.
It's a very big difference.
The general state should be one of I am happy to be alive for whatever reasons, and however, I understand that certain things will occur to bring me unhappiness.
And it's true, they will.
That's one expectation you can have.
But it is a very different state.
That's why you have to ask yourself, I think, what is your normal state?
Not what is your ecstatic state.
And by the way, what happens is that thing that comes won't make you happier.
It'll be a temporary surge of adrenaline, but it won't end up making you happier.
I told you I would love, if any of you know of this, please let me know.
I would love to see a study of lottery winners.
I mean, the fervor with which people buy lottery tickets.
I was in a place in Beverly Hills, the pipe store on Beverly Drive, the tobacco shop.
It was in the paper, in fact.
Well, I get pipe tobacco there.
I couldn't get in one day.
Deline went out the door for lottery tickets in Beverly Hills.
This was not South Central LA, where there's a dream, I'll get out of this place.
Where are you going to get out of it, Beverly Hills?
Bel Air.
Bel Air.
Scarsdale.
I mean, hang on.
Why did you laugh?
Maybe the maids were buying the tickets.
didn't look like maids to me it's a uh it's a problem the um The attitude of being happy unless something else happens is an attitude of constant gratitude.
That is the point, and that is something that will develop further later.
This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.
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