Dennis Prager Show - Giving Advice is Not Always Helpful...
Aired: 2021-01-29
Duration: 07:26


=== Advice for Grieving (03:56) ===

[00:00:01]  So, I'll give you an example.
[00:00:06]  Giving them advice, unless you have been through it, or deal with it, is not a great idea.
[00:00:18]  Oh, you know, you just, you gotta get involved, or, you know, just get some hobbies now.
[00:00:29]  Distract yourself.
[00:00:31]  They don't want advice from people who haven't lost a child.
[00:00:34]  Let's talk about people who lost a child.
[00:00:39]  I intuited this a long time ago in my life that the last thing a person who lost a child wants to hear is somebody who didn't lose a child tell them some philosophical or even theological Your child is in a better place.
[00:01:02]  This is meant by well-intentioned religious people, usually Christian.
[00:01:08]  And the parent who is grieving the loss of their child, it doesn't reduce their loss to know that the child is in a better place even if they believe it.
[00:01:26]  But it's like...
[00:01:29]  Frank Pastore, when he died in a motorcycle accident, he was hit by a car.
[00:01:35]  I loved Frank Pastore.
[00:01:39]  And I saw him every day, every weekday, because he used this studio, which I broadcast for his national Christian show.
[00:01:48]  There are two videos with Frank Pastore, is that correct?
[00:01:51]  The guy was a major league pitcher, Cincinnati Reds.
[00:01:56]  Became a major, I mean major, theologian.
[00:02:00]  We take top people for PragerU videos.
[00:02:04]  His videos on arguments for God's existence affected me, and I've been making those arguments all of my life.
[00:02:14]  I spoke at Frank Pastore's memorial service, and many of the truly wonderful people, and I knew many of them, Who spoke about Frank being in a better place now.
[00:02:31]  Frank obviously was a committed Christian and a beautiful Christian.
[00:02:36]  And here I was, you know, a Jew.
[00:02:40]  Not that I was introduced.
[00:02:42]  I'm now a Jew.
[00:02:42]  I was introduced because they knew I loved him and I saw him every day.
[00:02:46]  I saw him probably second only to his wonderful, spectacular wife.
[00:02:55]  And I wrote for whose book I wrote a forward to.
[00:03:02]  So I said at the memorial service, Frank is at a better place, but we're not.
[00:03:14]  And his family isn't, and his friends aren't.
[00:03:20]  they're not fully related items.
[00:03:25]  You know, it's...
[00:03:34]  You know, his wife, you know, doesn't have Frank anymore.

=== Asking Questions Matters (03:43) ===

[00:03:48]  It's good to believe that he's in a better place, and I do.
[00:03:53]  But it doesn't lessen the loss to us.
[00:03:59]  So there are things, to say to somebody who just lost a child, oh, well, she's in a better place, is not, I don't think, is comforting.
[00:04:08]  I'll tell you what I do think works.
[00:04:12]  So I was speaking to a man, this is years ago, and I was speaking to a man who lost his son when the son was 21 years old in a car crash.
[00:04:28]  And what I said was, I asked a question.
[00:04:33]  I find asking questions in these instances is far better than making any statement whatsoever.
[00:04:41]  And so I said, I'm just wondering, has anything helped you with this grief?
[00:04:53]  And I would say this was probably 10 years after the accident.
[00:04:59]  And he said, let me tell you, only one thing.
[00:05:05]  I tried therapy, did not help.
[00:05:08]  I tried religion, did not help.
[00:05:12]  Only one thing helped.
[00:05:16]  And I was obviously dying to hear what that was.
[00:05:23]  Meeting with other parents whose child died.
[00:05:30]  And the second he said it, it made perfect sense.
[00:05:34]  Remember I've said to you, true empathy is not possible in the human condition.
[00:05:40]  It's not possible.
[00:05:43]  You can have sympathy, but empathy is almost impossible.
[00:05:50]  Can I empathize with a person who was tortured?
[00:05:56]  Of course not.
[00:06:01]  In fact, it's so hard to experience the pain of others, you can't even experience your own pain.
[00:06:12]  There was a time that I had such back pain, I was in a wheelchair at airports.
[00:06:17]  I was wheeled from the gate.
[00:06:20]  I could walk, but not distances.
[00:06:23]  I mean, I'm perfectly fine now.
[00:06:25]  I'm one of the lucky people.
[00:06:27]  Whose back surgeries have been 100% successful.
[00:06:31]  I work out three days a week.
[00:06:34]  That's how good my back is now.
[00:06:36]  But I can't empathize with my own pain, let alone somebody else's.
[00:06:41]  I know that I had terrible pain.
[00:06:44]  I can't.
[00:06:45]  It's just the way it works in life.
[00:06:48]  Asking him what worked, that was good.
[00:06:54]  That's a good one.
[00:06:58]  So, I'm talking to you today.
[00:07:01]  It's not a happy topic, but it can decrease human pain by knowing what to say and what not to say to someone who has lost a child or a spouse or another equivalent loss.
[00:07:20]  Your input will help people know how to talk.
[00:07:24]  1-8 Prager.