CONTACT USEmail: paranaughtica@gmail.com Twitter: @paranaughtica Facebook: The Paranaughtica PodcastWe'll just go on an easy-ride here today and go over ten cases of some pretty crazy deaths....and injuries. There's not much more to say to that other than, velcro yourself tight and let's dive face-first into this.Sources: 1. https://www.wral.com/story/160630/Valerie Lakey 2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virginia_Graeme_Baker_Pool_and_Spa_Safety_ActVirginia Graeme Baker 3. https://abbeyshope.org/abbeys-story/Abigail Rose Taylor 4. https://www.fox5dc.com/news/girl-whose-intestines-were-ripped-out-by-swimming-pools-suction-valve-needs-2nd-organ-transplantSalma Bashir 5. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12518849/Woman-killed-freak-accident-runaway-tire-truck-smashes-windshield.htmlDiana Lynn Phelps 6. https://www.krem.com/article/news/local/cheney-high-school-sophomore-dies-in-tragic-accident-at-school-brayden-bahme/293-a3b097f2-c3f1-4add-91b4-97bbcbc62c97Brayden Bahme 7. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Hall_(lighthouse_keeper)Henry Hall 8. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/man-confirmed-dead-after-fall-yellowstone-hot-spring-n588556Colin Nathaniel Scott 9. https://nypost.com/2023/09/07/pilot-dies-one-year-after-crash-landing-and-2-weeks-in-jungle/Otavio Augusto Munhoz da Silva 10. https://www.nbcsports.com/nfl/profootballtalk/rumor-mill/news/a-drone-once-killed-a-fan-at-an-nfl-gameJohn Bowen***************************************************************** You can always help us out with financial donations on our Spotify page! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
You saw this, but in 2021, there were 711 children younger than 12 that were killed in motor vehicle crashes.
711. And of those 711, the CDC said that 255 were not wearing their seatbelt.
But I think some can be related to faulty buckles and improper bucklage, but the majority just not wearing it.
That's crazy, man.
Did you see that?
I did see that.
You know what?
For the longest time, I couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt.
Can you believe that?
What? What are you talking about?
And then one day, man, it just suddenly clicked.
Oh, my.
I hate you, bro.
I'm just going to put that out there right now.
I'm so pissed.
Seriously, though.
I have a serious question, Scott.
Yeah? Yeah.
Why did James Dean cross the road?
I mean, I'm sure there were probably, you know, many reasons.
Well, he wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Oh! Ouch.
Dang. Yeah.
Oof. It's a bad one.
He's an American hero, man.
Jeez. Well, all of that is fantastic, but this was published on August 23rd, 2023 out of Jacksonville, Florida.
Shout out to our Floridian knots, by the way.
Seven children between the ages of 10 and 15 were arrested after a summer's long rash of stolen cars.
Man, don't be stealing cars, bro.
These kids were hot wearing these cars, and yes, they were actually filming themselves doing it as well, which seems like the thing to do these days, right?
Oh, yeah.
Every second, you know, oh, check this out.
Taking a selfie while you're on the toilet, you know, whatever it is.
Well, yeah, and film yourself doing crimes.
Like, you see that all the time now.
It's crazy.
Authorities said that these kids are being groomed by the older teens, that's in quotes, to go steal cars, but eh, I don't know.
I think they probably just wanted to do it anyways.
Do you know what Fast and the Furious 10 should be called?
What? Did you hear what I said?
Fast 10. Your seatbelts.
Get it?
Fasten. Your seat belts fast in your seat belt.
Okay. Their fun and games ended.
The kids I was talking about, just like that horrible joke.
Oh, man.
After the little rascals stole a 2019 Kia sedan, some of them, or maybe all seven of them, were in the car when it was spotted by police who then gave chase.
Clown car.
They then ended up, yeah, the whole clown car thing.
But then they crashed it, which, you know, inevitable, right?
And then it caught fire in a ditch.
All the occupants ran out, and they were all soon caught.
They just couldn't outrun the boys in blue.
And the sheriff said these boys were just out for a little joyriding, trying to impress the ladies.
And I'm like, oh, so you're going to steal the car at night when no one's looking?
Yeah, we're all the girls.
Well, speaking of ladies, though, why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Princess Diana, bro?
Really? Okay.
Alright, I'll play along.
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
You didn't even let me guess, man.
Oh, oh.
I'm sorry.
Well, apparently, all of these youths that, again, I was rudely interrupted telling the story about, they will all be tried as children.
Which, I mean, they are.
Right. Kids these days.
Speaking of kids, great movie.
Oh, yeah.
Love that movie.
I have no legs.
I have no legs.
You know?
That homeless dude, no legs.
He's riding around on that skateboard in the subway in New York.
Trying to get coins, the little cup.
Yeah. Trying hard.
See him all over.
Did you see this, though?
That the New York accent has recently been rated as the number one unattractive accent?
You'll see this!
You'll see this shit!
That's just kind of mind-boggling to me because it's such a well-known accent.
Like, I just don't know what the issue that people have with it is.
I mean, everybody recognizes you like, hey, man, bada-bing, bada-boom.
People are like, oh, man.
You know, I just feel like everybody loves that accent.
I don't agree.
No, I mean, either.
Yeah, I don't know.
But apparently, as of like four days ago...
The New York accent has been voted in as the number one unattractive accent.
That's a huge slap in the face for New Yorkers.
It is, man.
I disagree.
You know what I say to that?
Bullshit. It's a wonderful accent.
Puts me to sleep every fucking night.
Forget about it.
Ah, forget about it, man.
I'm just gonna head down to the park.
I'm gonna take a little lie down.
I'm gonna fall asleep listening to the sounds of the city, you know?
I mean, forget about it.
Yeah, forget about it.
Put me to sleep, huh?
A little side note as it relates to cars and vehicles and things that people drive outside of tractors probably.
As of May 10th of 2023, Scott, a certain group of people who follow these sorts of things say that there were 79 children left in vehicles that were stolen up to that point of the year.
That's like five months.
79 children left in cars that were stolen.
I believe it.
I do remember seeing one or two news stories in different areas, even my own home area.
Actually, where that did occur.
That's absolutely crazy, isn't it?
Yeah. And this group says that in 2022, they documented 265 children left in vehicles in the United States that were stolen.
So statistically, or whatever, this year's numbers are a bit better, meaning that up to this point, people are being slightly more aware of where their children are, I guess.
Oh, say, say, say.
That makes me think of something.
How did the famous painter respond to his stolen car?
Um, forget about it.
He said...
Hey! Where did my van go?
Nice, man.
That was really cute.
A little bit of art humor.
And the New York accent is rated least attractive.
All right.
All right, I see what you're putting down there, man.
I'm sniffing what you're putting down, what you're sprinkling around, all right?
Well, Scott, most of the time, the children are safely recovered, but not all the time, which is pretty scary.
And do you know what else is pretty scary, Scott?
Oh, here we go.
Another top-notch joke, I'll bet.
Next week's a big day, buddy.
How you feeling?
Oh, wow, man.
I wasn't sure where you were going with that, but yeah, tying the knot, you know, hitching up the old ball.
You're right with talking about it?
Yeah, I suppose.
You're right with talking about it a little bit here?
Yeah, yeah.
We could have a little brief chit-chat, but yeah, tying the knot, man.
Ball and chain, getting attached to the old ankle.
Yeah, it's scary.
Are you scared?
No, I ain't scared, bro.
I'm ready.
You nervous?
I'm ready, man.
Just a raging bull over there?
I'm just pawing around, huffing out of my nose.
Everyone's like, is he okay?
No, I'm ready, dude.
I'm beyond ready.
That's awesome, bro.
So yeah, we're going to be going somewhere cool and having a wedding this upcoming next week, later this week.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, so ladies and gentlemen, this upcoming weekend is Scott's Big Day, and what a day it'll be.
That's right.
I am...
Just all over the place.
I'm stoked, man.
But, you know, I'm excited.
I'm pissed.
I'm scared.
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm not angry or pissed or anything.
I am.
I'm just stoked, man.
Just a range of emotions.
How dare you?
Yeah, totally.
But yeah, no.
I'm incredibly stoked.
I'm stoked for you, man.
Yeah, getting hitched, bro.
But yeah, next week I'll be...
I'll be on the honeymoon next week, obviously, ladies and gentlemen, but fear not.
I won't be in the studio, but Coop will be carrying on, bro.
Yeah, with Wayne Dale over here, son of a bitch.
Yeah, he never leaves.
Man. Yeah.
And we are going to try out having a special guest host for the occasion.
I know the dynamic will be a little bit different, but we're going to try to do our best.
And we're going to find someone that we think will be a good candidate for filling that spot.
Because, yeah, those are some huge, huge shoes over there to fill.
So let me tell you.
Whoa, bro.
I told you not to make fun of my feet.
I have a condition.
All right?
I got elephantitis.
Yeah, you do.
It only affects my feet, and well, we won't go into the other thing it affects, but mostly my feet.
Well, never mind.
Yeah, mostly my feet.
So whoever we find better do a good fucking job.
There will be recourse.
Things will be handled appropriately.
Yeah, we'll just say it that way.
If you're noticing that the sound is a little bit different than normal, I'm actually broadcasting here from my fiancé's parents' garage.
It's the only place I could get a safe haven.
All the guests, the partygoers, I mean, man, I have been kicked to the curb, so to speak.
Yeah, you're getting stomped over there.
I'm just getting stomped, but I'm doing the best I can.
We wanted to keep the show going for you guys, but just so you know, I'm really going through it here.
There's bombs flying overhead.
Mortars. Not Palestine, but...
But I will say it's right next to the fridge, if you can hear that humming, so I can reach in and grab a beverage whenever I want.
I might do that here in a few minutes, but yeah.
Is it a juice box?
Yeah, it's a little treetop.
Nothing like a little treetop to help soothe the old nerves, you know what I mean?
The old pre-wedding nerves.
Oh man, well Scott, I see you over there scratching your eyeball with a piece of what...
What is that, anyway, you have in your hand?
Oh, this?
I mean, it's here.
See, I'm waving it around.
This is actually just a little piece of metal I found outside stuck in the gutter by that nasty telephone booth where everyone relieves themselves.
You know, the booth.
Yeah, yes.
Yeah, for sure.
Pretty fucking gross, man.
But what the hell is that?
I can't...
What is that, dude?
Uh, well...
I don't really know.
I mean, as I'm looking at it here, it looks like it could be maybe a piece of car or something, like from a really old El Camino.
I mean, I don't actually really know.
It's got some rusts.
I'm sort of turning it over.
It looks like possibly a bullet hole.
Looks like someone actually bit.
I feel like I see teeth marks here.
It looks like somebody bit a chunk out of it.
It's pretty sharp, too.
All these jagged edges.
And why did you pick it up and keep it?
Bring it in here.
I don't know, really.
I mean, you know how it is.
Something catches your eye and a little squirrel brain kicks over and you're like, man, I'm going to pick that up.
Sure. Yeah, I guess.
Well, this is that thing.
I mean, it literally caught my eye.
I don't see why, man.
Yeah, I don't actually either, now that you mention it.
All right.
Yeah, I mean, like I did, but not anymore.
It's just, you know, maybe I'll just use it as a doorstop.
Good call.
Good call.
Well, you know what else is a good call, Coop?
No, what's that?
Oh, wait.
Is this a telephone joke?
Absolutely not, dude.
I'm calling out the fact that right now is a perfect time to dish out some faux tagliatella boscagliala and rigatoni con la pajata that is in the perfect and easily digestible form that is the weekly Trey Por Trey.
Oh, sweet!
Super stoked and super soaked.
And it's faux, not the real thing?
No, I'm all about faux these days, but the feelings are real.
In this week's Trey Portray.
Yeah, you know.
So what do you have for us today?
Oh, we got some good stuff for you today, man.
This first story comes to us from thehill.com slash homenews slash state watch.
Love that state watch.
A local alligator well-known around town was killed by Florida authorities after they noticed a human body in its jaws.
Oh, bro.
Yeah, absolutely.
This alligator was 13 feet and 8.5 inches.
You've got to throw those 8.5 inches on there.
That's a great number.
Yeah. They noticed that human remains were kind of being dragged around Friday in its jaws, so the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office sent some deputies to respond, and they killed it.
They were like, man, we've got to figure out what's going on here.
Did they bash it with cinder blocks, or how did they kill it?
No, that's a good thought.
But no, they actually killed it humanely.
I'm guessing they shot it.
They don't actually say what this humane method of killing was, if you could consider being shot humane, I suppose.
That's subjective.
That's subjective, right.
But they did identify the victim as 41-year-old Sabrina Peckham.
The medical examiner's office said the manner and the cause of death was still pending, so they're not exactly sure what came first, the death or the alligator, or if the alligator, then the death, which I guess more to follow on that.
But yeah, so apparently one of the people who cited the gator said he threw a rock at it just to see if it really was a gator and not a statue, like some kind of grotesque.
You know, fake gator or something.
But no, it moved.
Hey, boy, is that a real gator?
Yeah. And then apparently as the gator kind of came out of the water, he noticed it was holding on to the lower part of what looked like a torso.
And I was like, ooh, geez.
And that's when things got real.
So he called the police.
Yeah, man, I don't know what I would have done at that point.
Jesus. Yeah, pretty crazy.
So we'll be following that story for more updates.
The second story comes to us from clickorlando.com.
A teen was killed after standing through a vehicle's sunroof and then struck by a concrete beam because the vehicle was in motion.
Holy shit, dude.
Imagine being the car right behind it.
Oh, no.
I can't.
Yeah, it's absolutely terrible.
You see someone like, oh, yeah, I'm definitely, oh, wait, that bridge looks kind of low.
Oh, no, no, no.
And then, yeah, boom, it's all over.
Yeah, now we're...
Where is this bridge that, or whatever, this concrete beam?
Where is this concrete beam that is only, what would that be, like maybe six feet off the ground, seven feet off the ground?
Yeah, well, apparently this vehicle was traveling through a parquet near a mall, and what happened was the ceiling was unusually low.
So as the vehicle was passing underneath this ramp, the passenger was struck by the concrete beam, or struck the concrete beam, depending on your point of view.
Yeah, the beam hit him.
The beam hit him!
But yeah, this victim was 18 years old.
They transported him to a hospital, but unfortunately, he later died from his injuries.
And the driver of the vehicle, of course, as you might guess, was 17 years old.
So it's just the blind leading the blind at this point.
They're messing around, doing what young people do.
It was just the wrong day to be rolling the dice, I suppose.
Bro, probably do some Instagram or TikTok video.
Wow, that sucks.
Yeah. So just stay on your sunroofs, people, especially in a parking garage situation.
Especially in a parking garage.
Don't stick your body out there.
Keep your hands and arms inside of the vehicles, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't be foolish.
Don't be foolish.
That brings us to our last story from www.foxnews.com slash US.
A Tennessee woman claims, okay, it's not proven.
She claims that she thought a door-to-door salesman that she shot was a gang-appointed hitman.
Oops, little case of mistaken identity.
Knock, knock.
Yeah, it's just somebody dressed super nicely with a tablet in their hand, like, you know, like, get him!
Man, but I guess like a hitman, you know, they would dress the part, or a CIA agent.
They would dress apart like they're not a CIA agent hitman.
They're not going to go up there with a gun in hand, walking up to the front door and being like, knock, knock.
Well, that's true.
Being super obvious.
They would dress apart like a mailman or just some random person or a door-to-door salesman selling a Hoover vacuum cleaner or some Avon makeup or whatever.
Right, right, right.
Apparently, this door-to-door salesman was just trying to sell some Aptiv pest control.
But 51-year-old Monica Johnson Markwork of this Memphis suburb was charged with felony aggravated assault after shooting the salesman, who is actually in critical but stable condition.
So there's no death in the situation yet.
Hence, it's not felony manslaughter.
It's just assault aggravated.
This is her excuse, right?
So she's saying she's been in contact with her incarcerated son and believed that a gang put a hit out on both of them.
And so when this unknown person came to the door, which she said they were running toward the front door, who knows?
Maybe they were trying to finish up their route.
But before she even opened the door and got another look, she shot right through the door.
And it was not who she thought it was.
It was the salesman.
Wow. Dang.
Makes you think twice about wanting to be a salesman.
I wouldn't want to do it anyways, and that's before I heard about this story.
Right, and that kind of makes me beg the question, why is she so suspicious to begin with here?
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Apparently she thought it could have been some gang-related hit, but...
I mean...
Right, but why?
What is she involved in here?
Because if she thinks a gang is after her, what is she doing to me?
That's true.
Make her think a gang is after her.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe she's seen too many movies, but...
It could also be a meth thing, you know?
Maybe she's been up five days, doesn't know what the hell's going on.
Yeah, I mean, it could definitely be something.
There could be other factors, but I'm sure more will come to light.
She's due in court.
On October 13th.
And she will have to answer for her misjudgments.
But apparently after she was initially arrested and charged, she was released from jail on a $4,000 bond.
Which, I mean, if you ask me, that's a pretty cheap bond, dude.
Don't you only have to pay like 10% cash of the bond or whatever?
Yeah, so what would that be?
Like $400?
Yeah. She shot someone?
She just had it in her pocket.
She shot someone who's in critical condition and she was released on bond for $4,000 bond.
What the fuck?
They were probably just like, oh, here's your purse and here's your gun.
She's like, oh, thanks.
Yeah, here's your gun back.
They probably gave her money.
Here's a couple thousand dollars.
Yeah. Here's a couple thousand for your troubles.
Wow. But yeah, she's due back in court on October 13th, so we'll see what becomes of her after she reappears.
Crazy. Yeah, interesting story there.
Hey, dude, great job.
I love that story.
Thank you, bro.
Thank you.
And that wraps it up for this week's segment of Trey Portrays.
Maybe we should layer.
We'll get...
Maybe we'll get some Martin Garretts in here and get some, like, layering house music over that awesome fucking trip or trip tunes we got.
The band is great, though.
We have a great band here, but to bring, like, one of those guys in that can bring some house music on top of it would be fucking epic, right?
Absolutely, man.
We gotta get somebody up there in front with a laptop that knows what they're doing just used to playing for the masses.
Hell yeah, dude.
Steve Aoki or whatever his name is.
Yeah, he's throwing a cake at us.
We're just trying to record.
He's just throwing handfuls of cake at us.
Like, come on, bro.
Yeah, he shows up.
You're like, Steve, I see you've got your gear plus about six or seven cakes.
Like, you're not going to use all those, right, buddy?
I mean, come on.
Well, I do hear we have more auditions for the band members, though, right?
Is that what Wayne Dale keeps emailing me about this?
Is this what you're hearing?
Oh, I know.
He's just over the moon about it.
He's just like, oh, but this guy here and this guy.
I mean, he doesn't really sound like that, but he's just stoked.
He's just fangirling over these prospective musicians.
He is.
Yeah, yeah.
Wayne, we'll get around to listening.
I mean, we have been losing a lot of band members lately.
That's true.
They're tough to keep.
Tough to keep.
Really missing Boxcar Joe, though.
Really missing that guy.
Yeah. All right, Scott, as you know, today we are discussing some crazy deaths and injuries that we've come across in our daily lives over the past few weeks.
Right, right, yep.
So let's start this off.
Scott, do you like pools?
Like swimming pools?
Well, I mean, probably about the same amount as, you know, like a regular person who knows how to swim, likes them.
Well, I mean, I'm not a huge pool fan.
I know how to swim.
Oh. I just, I'm not a big, I don't know.
Really careful pools, man.
Unless I'm doing laps.
This is news to me.
I did not know that.
I'm more of a hot tub guy.
But it's said that drowning is the leading cause of unintentional deaths in children between the ages of 1 and 4 years old.
And from the ages of 5 to 19, drowning is said to be the third leading cause of unintentional deaths.
And do you know what is also the third leading cause of death among all ages in the United States, Scott?
Oh, you know, honestly, I have no idea.
This could be just anything.
Medical fuck-ups.
Oh, I wasn't expecting that.
Yeah, medical fuck-ups.
I really wasn't expecting that.
Anyway, from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, or CPSC, in 2004, they report that around 250 deaths of children under the age of 5 are recorded every year in swimming pools all across the United States.
A further 2,300 children are treated in the hospital for a swath of injuries from partial drownings to...
Concussions to cuss and abrasions to minor bumps and bruises.
More recent records show that between 2018 and 2020, there was an average of 371 pool or spa-related fatal drownings each year.
The number of fatal drownings in 2020 was 340.
The year prior to that, there were 367 deaths.
The estimated number of non-fatal drowning injuries in 2020 was 6,400, which was just about the same as it was in 2021.
And where do all of these fatalities and injuries take place?
Well, I'm going to go out on the edge, and I'm going to say pools and spas.
That's correct, Scott.
Pools and spas.
Now, where are these pools and spas, Coop?
I would like to know.
I need to know.
I want you to know.
Well, these would be found at places like, oh, I don't know, say a water park on a train or a hotel on a mega yacht or say a motel within a motel or on a cruise ship that is being tugged by that mega yacht with the hotel within a motel or maybe in a gym facility or wherever there's a large pool that has a suction drain.
That's a wide range of really fancy areas where a pool might be located.
But yeah, all the more reason for me to not frequent those types of establishments, which hasn't been a problem for me.
I would love to check out that water park on a train.
That sounds epic.
I was thinking the hotel within the motel or whatever that situation was.
That'd be a fun one.
Oh, man.
All right.
And now our first story of ten, folks.
We have ten for you, folks.
Ten. In 1997, five-year-old Valerie Lakey was with her family at the Medfield Area Recreational Club in Cary, North Carolina.
Valerie herself was safely wading over in a small wading pool.
Soon her father, David, would notice that she was stuck in the drain of the pool.
David and three other adults would try to dislodge her, but it was of no use.
This little girl was stuck in this drain because the cover to it had been removed by somebody.
And finally, somebody had turned off the power to the pump that ran the pool drains, and David was finally able to lift Valerie from the drain.
And when he did, her intestines were protruding from her anus.
And the section was so powerful, man, that most of her large and small intestines were just sucked out of her body, man.
Her small body just sucked into the pool's drain.
The injuries were horrific, but they were able to get the girl to a hospital where they were able to save her life.
Valerie would have to undergo a single five-hour surgery to save her life, but would spend at least 11 hours each day being intravenously fed at the time.
Her family sued the company that made the drain covers StarRite Industries out of Wisconsin and would get $5.9 million out of that settlement.
Wow, that is just horrific, first of all.
And second of all, I feel like I remember hearing about this story in 1997 when I was younger, but...
The web wasn't quite what it is nowadays, so it always just seemed the stuff of urban legend.
Right. But I remember giving one or more drains in the pool the side eye.
I'd be like, I'll see you down there, drain.
I'll see you.
Leave my intestines alone.
But the better settlement came from suing the Medfield Area Recreational Club, which was ordered to pay $25 million for values, injuries, and lifelong sufferings.
Man, they got a lot of money from that shit.
Especially in 1997, $25 million.
That's no joke.
But at the same time, yeah, I was going to say, they really, really messed up.
I mean, yes, the design obviously should be a little bit better that it's not so easy to remove said drain cover, but I mean, the staff really messed up.
They're supposed to do inspections before they even open those pools to the public.
So yeah, big miss.
Big miss on their part.
Right. And, I mean, there weren't a lot of pool safety stuff, protocols in place during the time.
Like, yeah.
It's because of some of these cases that we're going to get into that these, like, these protocols are actually put in place because of this stuff.
True. Yeah, true.
In 2011, she turned 18 years old, and I do believe she's still alive today.
Although what the media and her friends are saying, she's in a lot of pain most of the time.
Ah, well, yeah.
I could see that.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Now, some of these drains have suction pressure as high as 700 pounds, so if you get your clothes, your hair, or jewelry sucked into that, Wayne Dale, you might be fucked.
And that's if there's an actual cover on the drain.
If there's not a cover on the drain, well, then you're even more fucked.
Yeah, I mean, this is not the place where, you know, you wanna...
Well, let's just say there's a group of society that...
Takes pleasure in maybe sticking things where they don't belong, like a vacuum hose, you know, once or twice and all.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, this is not a situation where that would be recommended.
Yeah, so these people are seeing these wall drains and pools, or even maybe at the bottom of the pool, like, oh, bro, I'm just going to go lay myself over that really quick.
Yeah, they're like, oh, we got another one face down on the bottom of the pool.
God. You know, somebody go get him.
Oh, I wouldn't have got him last time.
You know what I mean?
Man, when a man hears the phrase, Sucking power.
Something happens in his brain.
That's a known medical fact, people.
So resist!
Just don't say sucking power, ever.
Yeah, resist.
But the Consumer Product Safety Commission began to investigate all these reported pool and spa drain entrapment cases going on in the 1970s.
And entrapment is what it's called when it gets stuck in a pool drain.
So now you know.
Well, now we know.
Thanks, man.
Seriously. Thank you.
Anytime. Anytime.
And then from 1999 to 2007, they found that in all of the cases of which there were 74 that they went over, the children were all age 5 or younger.
They found that in a public setting, there were 2 deaths and 20 injuries.
In the residential setting, there were 7 deaths and 33 injuries.
Then there were another 10 injuries that were in the unknown category.
And of the 9 who had died, 4 were male and 5 were female.
And as for the injuries, there were 28 injuries on the males while there were 35 on the females.
You know, we always hear people say, and this is why women live longer, right?
But I'm seeing these numbers, and I'm like, well, do they, though?
I'm not sure if that's correct.
The math is telling us otherwise.
In terms of at least pools and spas, I guess.
Right, right, right.
I guess we can only surmise that women were just being more reckless in those years when it came to pools and spas, apparently.
Yeah, I'll...
Just a little more reckless.
I agree, man.
It's those noodles.
I'm telling you, I've never trusted those things.
I hear you, dude.
I'm very suspicious of those things.
Now, this next story is huge, Coop, so I just want to brace you and just start right off and let you know it's huge.
This is what brought Congress to pass a pool safety act named after the girl that's the subject of our second story.
Virginia Graham Baker was a seven-year-old girl from the District of Columbia in Washington and was said to be able to swim on her own at the age of three.
In June of 2002, she was soaking it up in a hot tub at a family friend's home in Fairfax County, Virginia, and she had gone under the water but got too close to the drain, which didn't have a cover on it.
Her mother was right there and immediately started screaming and trying to pull her daughter free as the daughter's body went limp.
Two guys came over, started to pull on her as well, and would be able to dislodge her from the drain, but it was far too late.
She was already dead.
Her mother, Nancy Baker, then started to be a hardcore advocate for pool and spa safety and began to lobby Congress to pass laws, making sure that these places required covers as well as implementing other pool and spa-related safety measures and devices not a moment too soon,
Coop. Yeah, I can't imagine getting sucked into one of those things, man.
I've never really worried about it.
I mean, when I was a kid, as a teen, as an adult, I never really thought, oh, I might get stuck in a pool drain.
I don't think my parents ever told me not to get close to them.
Well, I never ran into a situation that I can remember where there was a pool drain that wasn't covered.
I never looked into the dark abyss of the deep end and saw like, oh wow, there's a gaping hole at the bottom of the pool.
I wonder what happens if I get close to that.
Like, no, I never found myself faced with that situation.
But war criminal and mass murderer George W. Bush would sign the Virginia Graham Pool and Spa Safety Act later on.
Well, it's really unfortunate that people have to die before common sense regulations are implemented, let alone even thought of.
And it's pretty crazy that it took until 2002 for such regulations.
And by signing that act, I think Georgie was just distracting us from his war crimes.
Don't pay attention to what's going on over there in the Middle East, but how about those safe pools?
Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
Fool me once.
Shame on me.
Fool me twice.
Well, you can't fool me twice.
Can't fool me again.
Yeah, how do you say that?
Classic. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what it was.
You can't fool me again.
Okay, George.
Right on, man.
The smirk he had, he thought he was so smart when he said it, too.
He's just like super, he's like...
That was good.
That was good.
Yeah. Have another cigar, buddy.
All right.
Well, this third case we're bringing to you today is about Abigail Rose Taylor, who in 2007 was six years old.
She and her family had met with a couple of other families for a dinner at a local community swimming pool or swimming center in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Everyone was doing their thing, having a fun time, and most of the kids were all over in the kiddie pool, which is just a more shallow form of a regular pool designed for children.
But they were hanging out there, and they all decided to get up and head to the showers to clean off all that bleach and urine.
And they all got up and ran off, except for little Abby, which her mother thought was kind of strange.
So her mother saw Abby over there just sitting.
And so she's like, Abby, come on.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
And Abby finally stood up and started stumbling and appeared to be really dizzy.
And she just took a few steps before she fell over, hit her head, knocked out a tooth.
And then she just rolled over into the deeper swimming pool, man.
Seriously, straight out of the movie.
Yeah, that literally sounds like a scene out of the movie, right?
Where you see the person just suddenly slump over and that's like the start of it.
You know, that's like the very first person that croaks or whatever.
And you're like, uh-oh, here we go.
You know?
But yeah, so what's going on, dude?
What happened?
Witnesses said they didn't see any blood and they thought it was just...
A case of sunstroke or dehydration or something.
But Abby was coming in and out of consciousness and when she could, she was telling her mother and everyone around her that her stomach really fucking hurt.
So the EMTs would arrive and they'd rush her to a hospital and doctors would perform a surgery on the girl for several hours.
And it wasn't until after the surgery that the doctor would notify the family of what had actually happened to Abby.
And, you know, she was sitting there in the kiddie pool and happened to be sitting right on the drain, which, Scott, can you guess what it didn't have?
What is a drain cover, Trebek?
That's right.
It didn't have a drain cover.
Abby had been disemboweled.
Her small intestines ripped completely out of her body.
Even the doctors were amazed that she was still alive at that point.
What was pretty crazy here is that things were actually looking somewhat decent for her.
Abby was soon able to go back home and she even made it to the first day of school.
Unfortunately, she had to have a colostomy bag and could only eat nutritional solutions and fluids and such.
That is so insane, dude.
That's just like, just gives me the eebie-jeebies.
Like, I just can't even, like, grasp that completely in my mind.
Oh, man.
And she would go on to live a somewhat normal life in terms of extracurricular activities and all of that.
I mean, she went to an acting camp, which is super cool.
And then after that, a Miley Cyrus concert, which is super lame.
And she was, you know, living a good life, you know, as good of a life as she could.
But after a handful of months, her skin started to turn a yellow hue, like jaundice.
But finally...
A small intestine transplant was ready to go for her, and they'd be on their way to Nebraska, where Abby was expected to stay for at least six months in recovery.
And she would undergo a triple transplant, which went well, and everyone was hopeful.
You know, there were ups and downs, of course, but it was soon apparent that things just were not getting better.
She would develop a form of cancer that rarely happens in organ transplants, and so the doctors wanted to put her through chemotherapy on top of everything else she was already going through.
And the family was like, yeah, I would do it.
Let's go.
Whoa, that's so insane.
Like, all this, like, catastrophic failure, like, physical failure is happening, like, on top of what she's already been through.
Like, what a tough life for her.
And in March of 2008, infections started popping up and she was suffering from organ failure.
Her body was rejecting her liver, so she needed to be connected to a kidney dialysis machine to remove any excess fluids accumulating in her body.
Just fuck, man.
No way.
Man, just one thing after another just never ended.
And by this point, in all of her suffering, there were countless infections the doctors were battling.
Abby had undergone 16 surgeries.
On March 20th, 2008, Abigail Rose Taylor would die.
There was a nine-month period between when she was at that pool and was fatally injured until her eventual death.
Just fucking pure misery, man.
I mean, on the one hand, it seems clear that they did everything they could to try to help her live beyond what is just, like, so abnormally crazy.
When you read the initial story, the disemboweling, I mean, most people don't make it through even 1% of that.
So, at least she was able to live another nine months, but it's still just so tragic.
It's crazy.
Well, this next story takes us on over to Egypt, where five-year-old Salma Bashir was on vacation with her family.
They were staying at one of the many beach resorts back in 2008.
Family were enjoying a regular day in the pool when suddenly they heard a scream.
Poor little Salma accidentally sat right on the pool's main drain.
The force was so quick and so powerful, the girl had no chance to get away from it.
Her parents ran to her aid, of course, and they tried to pull her away from the drain.
When they did so, the mother remembers seeing pieces of red on the concrete, but Sama was wearing a red bathing suit and assumed that it was just fabric at first.
She then came to the horrifying realization that Sama's small intestines had been taken out of her body, just sucked out by the force of the drain.
The doctors only gave her a few weeks to live, but her family was extremely determined to bring her right back up to speed as fast as possible.
So nice, dude.
One moment she just sat on there really quick and it was done.
Holy fuck.
I know.
These pool drains.
It's just so scary.
Especially when you see these stories back to back.
You're like, this happened a lot.
A lot.
Yeah. Well, this family decided to uproot where they were originally living and move to the great state of Pennsylvania for special treatments.
They sold off tons of their stuff and they raised over $300,000 over a period of two years while they waited for an important transplant.
I just want to say really quick, one quick remark or comment in Pennsylvania.
I hope they did not go to the toe-pulling molasses doctor over there in Pennsylvania.
I really hope they did not bring her there.
No, he was like, alright, I just whipped up a batch of that black, what was it?
Blackstrap molasses.
Blackstrap molasses for ya.
Just to stick everything back together again.
That's all.
Let me pull those toes.
Let me pull those toes.
Come here now.
Does she have all of her toes?
Well, the hopeful day would actually arrive where that surgery, the all-important transplant, was set to take place.
And, as usual, people were hopeful.
But they were also worried, as they did not know or have assurance from the doctors that everything was going to go 100% as planned.
Sure. Unfortunately, as happens, her body rejected the transplanted small intestine.
And six months later, Coop, six months later, the transplant would have to be removed.
Damn. As well as her large intestines.
Shit, dude.
And her gallbladder on top of that.
Well, son of a bitch, this poor girl.
Absolutely, Coop.
But believe it or not, Salma is still alive to this day.
As of 2019, Salma said that she's lived for the past 12 years by having a TPN bag attached to her IV.
A TPN bag is a total parenteral nutrition bag, so it's full of all the best nutrients.
It's liquid and it just pumps these nutrients into her bloodstream.
She says she can't eat anything solid by mouth, unfortunately, because it severely damages her liver.
So she's had to completely change the way that she receives nutrients, but these nutrients are still keeping her alive.
She also has to change the dressing of the wound on her stomach 15 to 20 times a day to avoid infection.
God, man.
That's so hard to put myself in that position and think about how I would be thinking.
I mean, that's just got to be an extremely difficult way to live life, bro.
I mean, it's hard to imagine, you know?
Oh, absolutely.
And it's just a testament to what a human can not only endure, but the standard of life that you can get used to.
And at least for now, she's just doing what she's got to do.
It's absolutely crazy.
Dang. Well, moving right along here.
Scott, kind gentleman, sir.
You know what?
Why don't you go ahead with this next one?
Oh, my pleasure, Sir Coop.
So I'm just going to grab the steering wheel from the back seat here, take us off-road away from the pools and spas, because those places are clearly dangerous.
Oh, well I'm sure you're taking us somewhere better then, somewhere safer.
Oh, you bet I am.
I'm taking us to Interstate 70, which is a major east-west interstate highway in the United States, also vastly important for many reasons.
Reasons that we aren't going to talk about here, because it's just, this is really not pertinent to the story at hand, Coop, so I'd appreciate it if you quit.
You're asking me, bro.
Okay, alright.
I won't ask anymore.
I won't ask anymore.
I'll just add that interstates are notoriously safe.
Despite it being on this list, yes, that is mostly true.
So apparently on September 12th in 2023, that's recently, it was reported by the Marion County Coroner's Office that the identity of a woman who was killed that day was a 68-year-old woman named Diana Lynn Phelps.
Diana was traveling westbound in the early hours around 7.30 a.m.
When the driver's side rear tire of the pickup traveling eastbound came loose from its axle and rolled directly toward Diana at interstate level speeds.
Which, that's pretty freaking fast.
Opposite directions.
Opposite directions.
Diana honestly probably didn't even have time to see it coming since she was going in the opposite direction early in the morning, but the tire bounced right over the median divider and collided directly with the driver's side windshield and partial roof of the car, smashing her directly in the face and head,
causing extensive damage immediately.
Just like the odds.
What are the odds?
Terrible. That's so scary to me, man.
I hate driving.
I'm always worried something's gonna happen, you know, like Final Destination type shit, irrigation pipes, logs falling off semi-trucks just smash you through the windshield in dramatic fashion, you know, impaling my face.
Oh yeah, I know I'm not the first person that's wound up behind a log truck and you're like, yeah, I'm just going to change lanes here and speed on.
And then when you go to pass, you're like, oh god, oh god, come on!
Yeah, the driver just gives you that knowing look like, yeah buddy, good thing you did that.
Looking in the side mirror at you, just with the shittiest grin on his face.
Classic, like, horror movie get-up.
He's got, like, the dark aviators.
You can't see the eyes of the trucker hat and some flannel, you know?
All greasy, just glistening in sweat.
Well, anyways, after this heavy-ass tire obliterated poor Diane's face, the car then traveled across the rest of the lanes and down into a ditch.
Where it's still hauling ass.
Right. Flipped onto its side pretty close to a house.
And of course Diane was pronounced dead at the scene.
She did not make it.
Shit scares me, dude.
It can happen instantaneously just like that.
Or it could be one of those horrible drawn-out deaths, I guess.
Like, I don't know, say for instance, a person who gets crushed between a subway and a platform, you know?
Oh, absolutely.
Like, you know, first they get hit by a train.
Crushed, spun like a top about a dozen times before the train finally comes to a stop and everyone is just like, holy shit.
And then before doing anything else, they just get their camera out to film the person.
Oh, every time.
Yeah, usually it's like some guy from the Bronx who's like, nah, buddy, nah, nah, nah.
Hey, buddy, buddy.
Hey, no, buddy, calm down, would you, guy?
I mean, my mom already yells at me enough as it is.
You know what I'm saying?
Bless her heart, though.
Okay, now look here, buddy.
You're good, all right?
You'll be out of here in no time, son.
Hang on, let me get a selfie real quick.
Just hold still, would you?
Quit coughing like that.
Just hold still.
Hey, buddy, take a few deep breaths, all right?
You're going to give me a heart attack.
Oh, man, you don't want that on your mangled-looking hands here.
Do you, buddy?
Come on.
Hey, how about one more selfie?
Oh, man.
That's exactly how it plays out.
Every time.
Terrifying. Yeah.
Always feel bad for the selfie guy just trying to get that guy to hold still.
You know what I'm saying?
What a waste of time.
Just relax, buddy.
Quit moving around, man.
Look at all these things that are turning out blurry.
Fuck. All right.
On to our next terrible tale.
We will have to go to Chaney, Washington for this one.
Oh, yes.
Chaney. Great vacation destination.
Also the last name of a war criminal who is much more guilty than old Georgie.
Let me tell you.
Indeed, dude.
So let's trot ourselves back to late April of 2023.
There were a bunch of these high school kids running around a track, you know, just doing their thing for PE class or whatever.
One of these students was a 10th grader named Braden Baum, who was 16 years old.
So there they were, just running around in circles.
And then out of nowhere, Braden somehow runs face first into a goal post, which somehow went through his eye and or his head.
And that is literally all I could find on this.
There are literally no details on how exactly he was able to impale his face on a goalpost, but he did manage what many before him had said was impossible.
Cheney Fire Chief Tom Jenkins declined to give details, but he did say this.
What I can tell you is that the injury was not sustainable with life.
That is literally all I could find.
Well, crazy story nonetheless.
Impaled his face on a goalpost.
Like, how does that even happen?
I don't understand.
Full-on face impalement on a frickin' goalpost.
I know they tell you to keep your eye on the ball.
Or sometimes they even say, hey, keep your eye on the goal, son.
But like, bro, that's just a little too far.
Yeah, too literal.
Yeah, it was just a problem with perspective in this case.
Ooh. Anyways.
Dang. Yeah.
Lesson we could all learn from.
Absolutely. Watch where you're going.
So, on to our seventh story.
That's very unfortunate, that last one.
Well, I'm going to select this one here, and it looks...
Yeah, it looks like you're going to have to hop on my shoulders, Coop.
And dear listeners, actually, because we're going to the year 1755.
Yeah. December 8th, to be exact.
And... BAM!
Looks like we're there.
That was fun.
Henry Hall was as rough as any British lighthouse keeper would have been back in the day.
Do you know what Rudyard's lighthouse was, Coop?
Well, you know, I'll go out on a rocky outcropping surrounded by water and cast out a fish head of a guest here, and I'll say it was a lighthouse named after the man who built it and or commissioned for it to be built.
Tell me I'm wrong!
Oh, well, no, Coop, honestly, that's pretty much dead on.
Let me give you a little bit of context before we get on with the rest of the story.
There was once a lighthouse on this very spot, but it was destroyed in the great storm of 1703, which totally erased any trace of it.
This first lighthouse was named Winstanley's Lighthouse, and boy, what a lighthouse it was.
Oh, how my pig legs dance in joy, just thinking about her right now.
One night, when the lighthouse keeper was doing his duties, a certain 94-year-old Henry Hall, a fire would break out up on top, because you need to remember back in those days, they had a bright lantern lit with fire.
They didn't have these chintzy little LEDs that they use today.
I mean, this was highly volatile stuff here.
There were a couple other innkeepers with him, helping out by dowsing said fire with small buckets of seawater, but honestly, it didn't help very much.
And the truly shitty part came when Henry Hall briefly looked up toward the roof, in despair, because when he did so, his mouth was open, and at that very moment, a molten ball of lead from the lead rooftop, mind you, fell from the fires above,
right down his throat, and he ended up swallowing it.
Can you even imagine?
Jeez. Hot, burning ball of lead.
Oh my god, dude.
Well, obviously he died several days later from the complications, but I mean, yeah, of course.
Brutal, man.
That's a hard pill to swallow.
Watch out!
Oh man.
Let's see what you did there.
Poor Henry.
By the way, to add to that story, that piece of lead, which weighed seven ounces, was extracted by a physician named Edward Spry, and it's actually now in the collection of the National Museums of Scotland, so you can go see this thing.
Very cool.
Very cool.
Nice story.
Again. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Anytime. Well, all right.
Let me see if I can find something here that's a little better than that.
Hmm.
Let's see.
And here we go.
Okay, so check this shit out.
23-year-old Portlandian Colin Nathaniel Scott was walking through Yellowstone Hot Springs back in June of 2016 with his sister.
The two are out there hiking around near the Porkchop Geyser and the Norris Geyser Basin on a nice Tuesday afternoon.
Could not have been a better day.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Coop.
The park's pamphlet informs the hapless visitor that the environment is unfortunately host to a great number of winter and golden-mantled ground squirrel, along with the American red squirrel.
Therefore, it's quite dangerous.
As we and most of our listeners are well aware.
So I just want to make sure that we take a moment and talk about that.
True. Thank you.
Oh, thank you for pointing that out.
It's definitely not here in the notes.
Oh, well, that's what I'm here for, man.
Just keeping it safe, one special sighting at a time.
Awesome. Yeah, so Colin and his sister, we're doing everything right.
You know, walking out up there on the boardwalk, avoiding the squirrels, up until they decided to not walk on the boardwalk so they could pave their own path.
As true adventurers would.
And as they were walking through the sparsely wooded area, they were struck by the gorgeous natural flows of hot springs, stained with a palette of gorgeous, just beautiful colors.
As one is.
Yeah. Then something happened.
Colin had slipped into one of the many bodies of water that easily reached temperatures of 199 degrees Fahrenheit or around 92 degrees Celsius.
His sister attempted to help him, but it was much too late the moment he was fully submerged.
And she then just got out of there.
I mean, she ran as fast as she could to go get help.
And once they had gotten back to the site the next day, they looked around.
They realized that there was just nothing they could possibly do.
His remains were gone, melted, sunk to the bottom of the thermal pool.
Oof, man.
I can't imagine what they expected.
Like, let's just sleep on this and we'll go tomorrow.
Or just that, you know, like...
These people, when they first strayed off the path, they were like, oh, we'll be fine.
There's no way we could possibly fall in.
I can't believe people fall in around here, and yet it happens every time.
It happens.
Colin's death was the first death related to thermal features in Norris Geyser Basin since 1898.
Yeah, well, that would not be a fun way to go.
I'm not saying that any of these are.
It's just that, man, boiled alive?
Like, not a whole lot of fun.
Are you kidding me?
Horrible. Horrible way.
Yeah, so Coop, on that note, let's try something, alright?
Let's try a little game.
A little thought game, if you will.
Sure. And ladies and gentlemen, if you want, you can all play along too.
Because it's kind of fun.
I'm not going to lie.
Alright, yeah, a little thought game.
Yeah, just a little thinking game.
So I'm going to have you imagine yourself somewhere.
Oh, sweet little vacation.
I am all in.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, so what am I imagining?
Alright, well I want you to start by imagining yourself.
Slowly submerging into boiling hot water.
What? No Tahiti?
Not quite.
Close, though.
I mean, you know.
Close. Alright, alright.
Okay, well, alright.
I'm going to literally imagine what it would be like to be boiled alive.
Yeah, man.
Just get into it.
Put yourself there.
Use that imagination.
Right? Water's at a roiling boil.
Now you just get into that pot.
Alright. Okay.
Alright, let's do this.
Eyes are closed.
I'm imagining that I'm sticking my toes in.
It's pretty hot.
So I'm sliding into the pot now.
Slowly, ever so slowly.
Into this boiling water.
Ow! Damn, man, that's fucking hot.
Fuck! Oh, God.
The bubbles, bro.
Ow. Alright, the bubbles from the boiling water are popping and splashing all over my face, Scott.
This is painful.
Good. Very good.
Yes. Alright, okay.
Alright, I'm in.
I'm in, Scott.
I'm now fully submerged.
Okay. How does that feel?
What's that feeling like for you?
It's, uh...
Well, it's hot, Scott.
Yeah, alright.
It's very hot.
See what I mean?
It's... Boy, Scott, this is really hot.
Now let me ask you how this feels again, Coop.
Well, I mean, it's...
No, no, no, no, no.
No, Coop.
You're misunderstanding.
What does it feel like for me?
For you?
Yes. For me.
Um... Well, I don't really know.
Oh, it hurts me, Coop.
Deeply. Oh.
Oh. It hurts me to see you like this.
I mean, okay.
But this is really hot here, man.
Just relax.
Just relax, okay?
Okay, okay.
Alright, yep.
Just... Just relax in here in this boiling water, yeah?
I can see why it would suck to die this way.
Definitely not fun.
Yeah, exactly.
It would suck to be boiled alive.
My point exactly.
You see, you're getting it.
Can I imagine getting out of this pot of boiling water now?
Oh, yeah.
Get out of there.
What are you doing still in there, you crazy son of a bitch?
Good. All right.
Finally. Yeah.
Okay. Well, now we can get back to what we were talking about.
Yeah. Thanks for that thought game.
That was fun.
Anytime. All right.
So whose turn is it?
It's my turn.
So, okay.
This is going to sound a little ridiculous, and it's why I myself don't personally...
Flying the aircraft.
That's the only reason, actually.
But you do have a pilot's license, right?
Oh, 24 of them.
And a rocket ship license, too.
Thanks for asking.
You can just get that at your local DMV.
You don't even have to do anything special.
You don't even have to go to flight school for that one.
It's just like an endorsement.
I have a rocket ship endorsement.
I want one.
It's R. R-class license.
R-class.
Anyway, so this also recently happened, by the way, just like weeks ago.
This is truly crazy.
So a 38-year-old Brazilian pilot named...
Otavio Augusto Munjos da Silva was flying his personal aircraft.
I don't know.
Imagine a twin-engine Cessna.
I'm not exactly sure.
But he was flying his typical route from Mukaijai, south of Raraimia, on August 28th.
Otavio unfortunately crashed his aircraft in the city of Pacaraima, which is in a forested area near the border of the amazing Venezuela.
His body would be found submerged in water after five days.
But here's the kicker, Coop.
His death came almost exactly one year after he had crashed a different plane back in September of 2022.
What are the odds of that?
Well, I don't know what the odds are exactly in being in a plane crash.
I do know that a person is more likely to die while driving a car than being in a plane crash.
I know that.
That's true.
But I don't think those are good odds, you know, to be in more than one plane crash.
That seems pretty bad, especially being the pilot.
Yeah, definitely points.
In a certain direction, you know, seeing as it's the same individual, same situation, you're kind of like, well, the plane was probably okay.
But yeah, not great odds there.
So Da Silva survived the first crash, which happened in some dense jungle, and he had to survive for 13 days as he found the correct way out, which is really difficult when you're that disoriented.
Yeah. But it's said that the engines stopped working from overheating.
And he tried to crash land in a river, but totally just smacked the canopy of trees.
Just... Done.
Scary. And then, the flyboy followed the river for those 13 days until he was spotted by a passing boat, which was his ticket out of there.
But yeah, 13 days in the jungle.
No, no thanks.
No thank you.
No, I've been to some jungle down in Central America.
A lot of it in the jungle.
I mean, it's pretty gnarly just being in places where you typically walk around and shit, like villages or pyramids or whatever.
If you just go off the beaten path, literally like a stone's throw away, man, the jungle just swallows you up.
Oh, just a thick, dense jungle.
You just have, like, so little chance unless you're at least somewhat familiar with what you might see and things like that.
But 13 days, oof.
Rough, man.
It reminds me of a story of, uh, well, never mind.
I don't even want to get into it.
But to be crashed in an area that is nothing but overgrown jungle, just thicker than Ron Jeremy's ass hair in the 70s.
That would be pretty overwhelming.
And I don't care who you are or how much you claim to know about surviving in the jungle because you've read some survival books and have watched every episode of Naked and Afraid.
I don't care.
In a situation like that, you're not prepared for a survival situation.
It just was not part of your plan.
Of course.
At no point does someone like, yeah, I think today's a good day to crash my plane in the jungle far away from where I live.
This is the day.
And see if I can find my way out.
See if I can make it, yeah.
If I even survive the crash.
Yeah, that's if I survive the crash this time.
Got it last time, so might as well try it again.
Anyway, Scott, why don't you pull that next one out of that hat there?
Oh, right here?
No, the other one over there.
Oh, this one?
No, man.
Next to that one.
Hang on.
Here. Here, this one.
Yeah, that one.
Pull a story from it.
Oh, yeah.
Just let me reach in here.
Oh, dude.
Ow. Whew!
You alright?
Paper cut?
No, I'm just kidding.
Okay, here you go.
Just digging around in here real good.
Alright, no, that's a rabbit.
Whoa, how did that get in there?
That's where he went.
Back in here.
Okay, here it is.
Alright, I got it.
I got it.
Let me smooth out the wrinkles.
Okay, this is the tenth and last story of today's episode, so here we go.
This story is about a guy named John Bowen.
John Bowen was one of around 45,000.
NFL fans all packed into the Shea Stadium back in the year of 1979.
Playing on that particular day were the New England Deflatriots, am I right?
Against the New York Jets.
In fact, he and his buddy Kevin Rourke were in the Patriots stands already starting off pretty bad here, you know?
So, performing at the halftime show for this game would be the legendary Electronic Eagles of the Radio Control Association of Greater New York.
Wow, what was that?
Oh, you've never heard of them?
The E-E-O-T-H-R-C-A-G-N-Y?
Love the acronym.
Come on, man.
Rolls off the tongue.
Everybody knows.
Good God.
The Electric Eagles of the Radio Control Association of Greater New York.
But apparently these performers use model aircraft like drones and planes, and they do this at numerous events and other halftime shows around the country.
But yeah, it was actually a pretty popular entertainment for them back in the day.
Privately owned drone technology, despite the obvious dangers and the lack of oversight.
What these guys would do is they would fly these different model aircraft around the stadium and over the heads of spectators and fans, and they were doing stunts and engaging in play dogfights.
Fucking dangerous, man.
Yeah, I mean, when you think about it, like, a lot of these model aircraft type things, they're just serious, you know?
These are not your paper, glue-em-together type kits that we're talking about here.
Especially back then, those must have been some hunky fucking gnarly pieces of drone technology, you know?
Oh yeah, some of these even resembled the shapes of other objects, such as a lawnmower, for example.
Nice. But anyway, the time comes for the halftime show, right?
So all the fans of both sides are looking and they're gazing around in awe as these RC-controlled drones are flying around above the crowds.
Another fan by the name of Frank F.E. Bartholomew would later say, I had an aisle seat near an exit, and I had it in my mind that if it came near me, I would run.
It seems so stupid, so sick to send these things flying over these people.
I agree.
Now as you can imagine, these RC-controlled drones were actually built by a Brooklyn-based auto collision repairman, and his name was Philip Cushman.
So Frank Bartholomew would also later say that earlier in the halftime show, One of the drones had crashed into the football field, which, I mean, wasn't really a huge cause for alarm, though as people came for the show, you know, they wanted to see stuff like that.
Much like people come for our tray-per-tray, right?
Right. You know?
Exactly. So anywho, Phillip wasn't fazed by that crash.
He was more annoyed than anything because now he had to fix the dang thing after the show, which took a lot of time away from reading the articles in Playboy, you know?
Yeah. So after that little setback, he decided it was time to give the crowd his cream of the crop, which was the lawnmower drone.
Oh, good God.
I know.
This sounds like it's going to end well, right?
No. So anyways, as he's flying it around, he's making a huge impression on people.
You know, he's doing crazy maneuvers.
Everyone's just like, oh God, like hunkered down, like, oh shit, no!
Yeah, he's mistaking their cries of fear as shouts of joy and excitement.
Well, as I'm sure you saw coming, he lost control of this thing.
Nobody saw it coming.
Well, maybe one guy.
But the lawnmower drone did a corkscrew spin, which gave it a ton of momentum, and then it took a nosedive and it smacked straight into John Bowen's face.
Oh my god.
Just boom!
Right into the face.
And he would be horribly disfigured, and witnesses would say that it looked like he'd been attacked with an axe.
Fuck, man.
So he got all Lizzie Bordened.
Dang. Yeah, dude, seriously.
And he was brought to the hospital, of course, but unfortunately he died six days later from his injuries.
So his family would later sue for $10 million, but honestly, I couldn't find anything on a final ruling or a settlement or anything like that.
I'm sure you got a pretty decent amount because it was a very clear case of recklessness on both the owner of the Shea Stadium and of Philip Cushman, the person actually controlling these things.
So, I mean, there's plenty of grounds for getting some money from the whole situation.
For sure.
And that's exactly why drones are not allowed during halftime shows at the NFL games anymore.
That's very true.
Yep, that was the end result.
Yeah. Can't do that.
Took one dude to get totally mangled for them to be like, alright, we shouldn't do this, maybe.
Yeah, like, oh, let's rethink this entertainment strategy.
Well, that was a very fun ride through some truly horrific deaths and injuries that came out of nowhere.
I had a good time.
Did you have a good time, Scott?
Coop, I always have a good time.
Thanks for asking, man.
Always. Well, out of all of those ten that we listed, or I guess there'd be five or six different manners of death in this episode.
Right, right, because some of them were kind of the same.
Five or six deaths.
Well, all right.
Out of those five or six, how would you choose?
And the listeners can play along, too.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, they can.
They can just let us know in the polls on our Spotify page.
Now, just to remind the listeners, what were these manners of death that you're talking about here?
Sure, yeah.
So the first one, disembowelment by pool drain.
So there you are in the pool at the Clown Motel, everybody's favorite go-to planned out and advanced family vacation for an entire summer.
There you are, Scott, sitting your ass right over that drain.
Then, there go your insides.
Dead. Man, well, when you put it like that, that's a big contender, but what's the next one?
Yeah, so second is a big-ass tire that flies directly at your face from the opposite direction as you're traveling at interstate speeds, and it smashes your head.
So there you are, driving home after a Nickelback concert at a local coffee shop, right?
It's some sort of fundraiser event for the band.
Right, it's to...
Bring attention, really, like awareness to their fading name.
It's a Kickstarter.
Exactly. Yeah.
So you're driving your Geo Metro.
Cool car.
Not a big deal.
It's whatever.
Moving on.
You're reaching speeds of 70 miles per hour.
Can it go that fast?
Anyway. And another car that happens to be a two-ton truck is coming in the opposite direction at the same speed.
And his driver's side rear tire slides off the axle and Koreans straight at your face and it crushes that gorgeous head of yours going over all those sweet Nickelback lyrics you just heard.
Dead. Muerta.
Yeah, you're just like, never made it as a wise man.
Oh, God.
Done. Oh, man.
Okay. And the third is when you're running from six fully nude mimes with rock-hard erections because they just did this new routine of theirs about the implications of Viagra on a group of nude men who can only communicate by gesturing with their hands and facial expressions.
But they're chasing after you, right?
With burning lust in their groins because you just happened to open the wrong door at the VHS rental store.
Oh, right, right.
Well, if I remember correctly, the sign on the door said, Mime Your Own Business.
Yeah, and you opened it.
Why wouldn't I?
Well, true.
I mean, who wouldn't, I guess?
Yeah, I feel like who wouldn't?
So anyway, you're running your ass as fast as possible and you end up taking a shortcut which led right to a field where people were playing football or soccer or whatever, hacky sack, I don't know.
But you're running directly toward a goalpost.
And you turn around to see the six very nude men behind you.
These very rock-hard mimes galloping quickly in unison towards you.
So you turn around to continue running forward.
But you go face-first into this goalpost that just happens to be right there.
And you become impaled through the face.
Dead. Muerta.
I'll have to consider that.
That one's kind of moving above the disembowelment, at least.
But, okay, what's the fourth?
The fourth is when you're hanging out with your shirt off outside the 17th century church in Argentina, right?
Shirtless, just flexing, really pushing out the chest, making fists, walking around all aggressively and shit, just spitting everywhere.
Yeah, right.
People are just getting out of your way, like, what's wrong with this guy?
We just got out of church.
We're getting all heated.
Just super over-the-top piss over whatever.
You walk over to where there's this little food stand, and you know, the kind that's on wheels you just push around?
It's got, like, music playing from, like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, just back in the day, just like a little monkey dancing.
Yeah. So you stomp your pompous ass over there and pick up this dude's food stand and spin it, like, three or four times and just discus chuck this thing at what you hoped would be the other competing food stand across the street because you liked, you know.
This guy's food stand?
More than that guy's, apparently?
Would it just so happen that you missed that dude's food stand entirely with this guy's food stand?
And instead, you hit a power line pole, which sparked a fire at the top of this church's spire, which was made of lead?
Then, as you're stomping in circles around the mixture of anger, embarrassment, and sadness, trying to figure out how you could fix this problem, you just kind of...
Fucked a lot of people's day over.
Then you had a brilliant idea, which automatically made you look up toward the blazing spire above.
And right as you did with wide eyes and an oddly enlarged, open-mouthed smile, a seven-ounce chunk of iron fell right down your throat, which you promptly swallowed, killing you a week later.
Dead. Oh, man.
Okay, that one's tempting.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm pretty tempted by that one.
All right, the fifth way.
The fifth way you die here is when you're just taking a nice stroll through the woods back in 1898 around the Yellowstone area.
You're just twirling your pocket watch around whistling sweet Dixies and living your best life.
But all of a sudden, one of those dreaded golden mantled ground squirrels just jetted out from a secret hiding place, ran up a few boulders in the right-hand side and jumped off that and hit another higher-up boulder and leapt off that directly towards you, smacking you right in the side of the face, which caused you to lose your footing, right?
Then as you stumble to and fro over some small bushes and down trees for a comical amount of time, you finally came to as you grabbed onto the small branch of a tree near the shore of a 200 degree pool of water, just gushing and steaming.
It saved your life.
Oh, well, thank God for that.
Until the squirrel again jumped out of nowhere and bit your hand, making you lose your grip, which dropped you right into the pool of boiling water with no way out.
No. Now tell me, Scott, how does it feel?
No.
No! Absolute tragedy.
Yeah. You're dead.
Muerta. Muerta again.
Man, that's pretty wicked awful.
The squirrel.
Yeah, the squirrels, bro.
They need to post more signs.
They do, man.
We should start like a...
Awareness. Awareness, yeah.
Get the squirrels listed on like...
It's not the bears you need to be worried about.
It's the fucking squirrels.
Yeah, dude.
So the sixth way you die is when you decided to build your own airplane with no prior interest or knowledge of anything dealing with such, right?
The reason why is because you were so tired of all the abuse that you both witnessed and experienced at the receiving end of your own hands.
Yep, definitely beating myself up here.
Yeah, after a weekend of huffing paint and building a replica Cessna, you're ready to take it on its maiden voyage that same day.
So... You brought it up to the tallest hill you could find.
The plan was to let it roll down this hill where it would pick up momentum and it would leap off this cliff face and you would just fly, right?
Sort of like Radio Flyer without the death.
Oh, awesome.
I love that movie.
Absolutely. So you're ready to take the leap.
You hop in and you let it roll.
All right.
Yeah. All right.
We're going.
We're going.
No, you're going.
Right. Yeah, I'm going.
The plane is rolling fast now.
Going pretty solid.
Yeah, buddy.
And right at the end, before the cliff drop, the plane's axles, which hold the tires in place, falls apart, causing the plane to go sideways, breaking the wings off.
But with so much momentum left, you just start rolling down the hill, you know, and you roll off this 600-foot-foot fiery, fiery, fiery explosion.
Okay, well, I guess the next question would be, do I live through this explosion?
Because that's kind of, I'm like, okay, is it the explosion?
Oh, you're dead.
Okay. All right.
And for the last way of death, of which you get to choose your favorite.
Yeah, you get to choose your favorite at the end here is when you had just woken up, okay?
You're still a little foggy.
You're still waking up.
Literally, you just walked into the living room.
You're maybe going to the kitchen.
You haven't had your first cup of coffee yet.
So you get that coffee brewing, right?
And he puts some of that fake bacon shit in the old George Foreman.
You put some bread in the toaster, and you're about to get some eggs rocking, and all of a sudden you hear the sound of the morning newspaper hitting the ground in the front of the house, right?
Oh, yep, yep.
It's just like real life you're describing here.
So you go outside to get it, and you realize it's a little further than you thought, and you're a goddamn paper boy, you know?
And as you were heading over to it, you couldn't help but hear the sound of a loud buzzing, like a rotor spinning with small propellers, but you didn't really care too much to look around for the source of it because you had more important things going through your head.
Oh, foreshadowing?
As you were about to bend down to pick up the paper, you instantly realized that that buzzing sound was awfully loud.
And right before you could finalize your last thought with probably some Nickelback lyrics, you get schmucked right upside the head by a 20-pound lawnmower propeller that was modified into a remote-controlled drone that the neighbor's seven-year-old was flying around.
Dead. Got me when I was getting the paper.
Man, that's terrible.
First thing.
You least expect it, man.
Just woke up.
So there you go.
You get to choose your favorite manner of death.
Oh, boy.
All right.
Well, we got the guts and we got the explosion and the propeller to the head.
Boiling to death.
Ah, boiling to death.
That'd be terrible.
I don't know.
So would the disembowelment thing, because that's like, you're not going to die right away.
Yeah, because it takes time, so you're just miserable for a while until the inevitable happens, and then you croak.
I think I'm going to have to go with the burning hot iron or lead down the throat.
Down the throat?
Oh my god!
Yeah, dude, I think I'm going to have to go with the fiery metal, just like gobbling that up.
Holy shit, bro.
Yeah, because it's unique, but you also are probably going to die relatively quickly, I'm guessing.
It took that dude like a week to die, like five days or something.
Well, that's enough time for people to visit you and be like, nice, bro, like you're a champion.
Say your goodbyes.
Yeah, exactly.
Make sure people have time to travel.
Exactly, exactly.
I'm going to go with burning hot metal, I think.
Okay, all right.
Great choice, I guess.
If I had to choose, I think I would take the tire to the face because that's like 140 miles.
Per hour together, right?
Because you're going 70 one way, the other car's going 70 the opposite way.
That tire flies off and schmucks you like mid-thought.
It's a lot of force.
A lot of force.
Yeah, bro.
I think that would be the quickest way to go.
And it would just be a really gnarly scene, too, because your head's just exploded.
Like, brains and shit would be everywhere.
Damn. So the cleanup crew would be like, hell yeah, get your phones out.
Take some photos of this shit.
Let me get a selfie, bro.
Let me get a selfie.
Hey, yo, Bob, come check this one out, huh?
Don't forget your phone, bro!
You gotta bring a selfie stick!
We can both get in one of here.
Come on, come here!
Totally. And they say that's the least attractive accent.
I disagree.
I disagree, bro.
I love the accent.
Love it.
So there you have it, folks.
Maybe you decided to play along, maybe not, but if you did, which one would you choose?
If you had to choose.
Let us know on Spotify in the polls, or email us, or let us know on Twitter or Facebook.
Absolutely. We want to know.
What's your opinion?
What would you choose?
Please tell us.
Yep. And that will be the end of another episode of the Paranautical Podcast.
That was fun.
Did you enjoy that one, Scott?
Oh, yeah.
I enjoy all of these, Coop.
Thanks for asking.
Thanks for letting me squeeze it in here with my big day approaching.
I'm glad we could get one more of these in before the big change-up.
But yeah, thanks, guys.
Thanks for tuning in.
Yeah, I'm probably more nervous than you are.
So please, ladies and gentlemen, click that subscribe button.
Like us, share us wherever you can.
Leave us a five-star rating.
Wherever you can.
Leave us some awesome reviews also wherever you can.
Absolutely. And tag all your friends to one or all of our Twitter posts so they're notified of this podcast, man.
Tell people.
We want people to know.
Great idea.
Just Twitter the shit out of everyone.
People you know and don't know, for that matter, about the Paranautica podcast.
Reach out to all your family members that you haven't talked to in a while.
And if not to say hello, at least tell them to listen to the Paranautica podcast before hanging up on them or talk to them for a while.
