CONTACT US Email: paranaughtica@gmail.com Twitter: @paranaughtica Facebook: The Paranaughtica PodcastNothing is better than the Amish life. Fun times all around. Great food, great wagons, but even greater people. Yeah, sure....sure sure sure....they don't live quite like us, and they're a mysterious bunch of grapes, but I'm sure they're just fine.The crazy thing is that they pretty much govern themselves and deal with all their inner workings within their community. They don't really like, or trust, us "English Folk". But hey, can you blame them?Anyway. This is part one of a two part series on Edward Gingerich. The only Amish person...EVER....to be tried and convicted of murder. So yeah. This is a real Cooch! Sources: 1.https://www.missouristate.edu/Reformations/Mennonite.htm 2.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jakob_Ammann 3.Book by Jim Fisher called “Crimson Stain”CONTACT US Email: paranaughtica@gmail.com Twitter: @paranaughtica Facebook: The Paranaughtica Podcast You can always help us out with financial donations on our Spotify page! We thank you all whether you do or you don't! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
That driver who was under the influence of Salvia, of all things.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it was that couple in that horse-drawn wagon, though, right?
Yeah, man.
Not cool.
Turns out they were speeding, too, man.
If you can believe that, in a wagon pulled by two small horses.
Pretty fucking crazy.
How would they know they were speeding?
I mean, was there, like, a video or something?
Actually, yes.
Coincidentally, there was.
There was actually some dash cam footage.
What, was there a cop posted up behind some bush or something?
No, man.
The couple had the dash cam.
In the horse-drawn wagon?
Yeah, fucking crazy, right?
Like, who has a dash cam in the horse-drawn wagon?
That's a first for me, but, I mean, it's kind of G, though.
It's pretty baller, actually.
Yeah? I mean, it's not something you see every day?
A dash cam on a wagon?
Pulled by horses.
Right. Pulled by horses.
Two of them.
Two horses.
Yes, sir.
I want to see that footage when you get a chance.
Well, hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you all for listening.
We can't thank you enough for tuning in.
We're actually very thankful, to be absolutely honest.
It is a privilege to have so many listeners with us.
It's incredible.
So thank you all very much.
Anyway, we hope you had a wonderful past week and you're feeling good about things, feeling good about yourselves.
Yes, and hopefully you're feeling in tip-top shape and ready for another episode here.
Indeed. Today, we have a pretty wild story.
Is that right?
It is right.
Thanks for asking, Coop.
Today we'll be covering a pretty wild case that brings us all down to the Keystone Quaker state of independence.
Yes, sirree, Bob.
We're heading to some of the greatest Amish country in the great state of Pennsylvania.
One of the greatest.
If not the greatest, Coop.
Well, the jury is still out.
Oh, not in the case we're covering today, buddy.
Oh, shit.
Yes, today we'll be discussing the man behind the first and only murder trial in the Amish American history.
Amish American history, I like that.
Is that an official term?
Like, is that taught in schools these days?
Well, if it isn't, it needs to be.
But I'll say this again.
The man we'll be talking about today is the only man in Amish American history.
Well, I should say the only Amish person in Amish American history that has ever been charged or convicted of murder.
In their entire 300-plus year history.
I know it sounds pretty fantastical, right?
Yeah, yeah, it does.
Well, it isn't.
But before we continue on with this story, it's my duty to all of you, our gorgeous listeners out there, to present the segment of the show that is caused for more traffic accidents in rural areas all over the entire world than anything else, including wildlife.
Crazy stat, I know.
That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Trey Poetray.
Damn. Ba-ba-ba-bee.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-bee. Damn, just pat it up, bam.
Whoop, whoop, whoop.
Yeah, I made a little bit of extra tips on the part.
So I threw that to the band.
Oh man, they are on it.
So let's give a little round of applause for our Paranautica players.
Yes, please.
Give them a round of applause, everyone.
They do such a good job around here.
They work hard, overtime, constantly.
Harder than us, I'll tell you that.
Our first article comes to us from sciencealert.com.
A U.S. teen, this is tragic, a U.S. teen dies after eating the notoriously spicy chip in the viral spicy chip challenge.
Wow. Man, that's a lot to bite off there.
It's a lot to chew on.
This article was posted on September 11th, 2023.
A 14-year-old boy from Massachusetts died after eating a tortilla chip dusted with spices made from two, not one, but two of the world's hottest peppers, the Carolina Reaper and the Naga Viper.
Man, I don't know, dude.
I mean, I love chips, but I don't know if I love them that much.
Oh, you want to go right now?
I'll do a two-chip challenge.
Oh, two-chip challenge.
This kid died, man.
Ah, he's 14. Damn.
Oh, okay, yeah, a little bit more life experience.
It's life experience.
That's the difference maker.
Yep. What's marketed as the one-chip challenge, the single chip comes in a coffin-shaped box adorned with a red skull, complete with a list of warnings cautioning those who are pregnant or have a medical condition against eating the contents.
So, I mean, to be fair, like, it says, hey, man, you should probably think about not...
It's in a coffin-shaped box.
That's not enough warning.
I mean, nothing else I eat is, let me tell you.
Apparently, directly after eating the chip, the adolescent visited the school nurse complaining of stomach pain, and within hours of being sent home, he passed out and stopped breathing.
Holy shit.
He was later pronounced dead, in spite of efforts by paramedics and hospital specialists.
And while the autopsy results...
Yet, haven't confirmed the case of death, the cause of death, at least, you know, according to this article.
Everybody knows it's from the chip.
So, it's just crazy.
Like, imagine what went on in there.
Like, did it, like, just rip a hole in his stomach?
You know?
Like, think about that, right?
Yeah, dude.
Crazy. Like, it's, like, the caps...
Is it a capsicum?
Is that what it's called?
Capsaicin? Capsaicin.
Capsaicin, yeah.
Yeah, so it's...
I don't know, burnt a hole in his stomach?
Yeah, his guts were just like, yeah, they were just like, no, I can't do it!
And you could die from, like, if a hole opens up in your gut and all that bacteria gets into your body, you can die from, like, sepsis.
Right, man.
So who knows what the hell happened, but anyways.
Well, the jalapeno pepper, man, just the jalapeno, it's got, what, 10,000 on the Scoville heat units, right?
And that's just, yeah, that's just a jalapeno.
Yeah, dude.
Like, we're talking about, like, hundreds of thousands.
Oh, we're talking the Carolina Reaper is the world record right now of the hottest pepper.
It's got 2 million Scoville units.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. And the Naga Viper is about 1.4 million.
That's insane.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, think twice before enjoying your favorite.
Crunchy Snack, the One Chip Challenge.
Yeah, actually, so I read an article recently that the Amplify Snack Brands, that is like a subsidiary of the Hershey Company that sells the chip, due to this death, they actually stopped selling the One Chip Challenge chip.
Yeah, I bet that was a frosty board meeting, talking about that.
Actually, knowing how much money these guys have, I wouldn't be surprised if they convened the board meeting and they were like, huh, it took that long?
Wow, we got a lot of money out of that one.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and they're actually exchanging bets.
Yeah, right.
Didn't take as long as you thought it would.
Just yucking it up up there.
Well, I'm glad they pulled it.
Ladies and gentlemen, if there are any left in circulation, think twice, please, before enjoying your favorite crunchy snack.
Send it my way.
Send it to Coop.
He'll eat it right now.
He'll eat two of them.
I'll eat two of them.
Two-trip challenge.
Our next article, updated April 5th, 2022.
Five people were arrested for alleged human sacrifice at an Indian temple.
This is from NewYorkPost.com.
A woman was allegedly killed while visiting Kamakaya Temple in India.
The decapitated remains of Shanti Shah, who was 64, were found on June 19th, 2019.
After she visited the temple...
In Guhaidi, during the Hindu Ambukachi Mela, the Hindustan Times reports.
After years of no progress in the investigation, there was a raid conducted by authorities on a residence in Kuchbahar, which led to an arrest of a Babaji or a revered priest named Mata Prasad Pandi.
According to police, he confessed that Shah was killed while participating in a worship ceremony at the temple.
Wow. They took the victim to Joy Durga, performed a puja, consumed alcohol and meat, and then they killed her!
That's fucked.
Each of the 12 participants were paid 10,000 rupees, or about $122, by a man named Pradeep Pathak who sponsored the event, and this was all to honor the death of his brother.
Holy shit, man.
It all took place in this ritual killing.
Her body was just left on a staircase, where it was later discovered, and the head was never found, and they said they disposed of it in the Braptura River.
It's crazy, man.
Wow. So apparently, Rahu Baba, one of the participants, asked the woman to lie down.
They then held her head, hands, and legs, and before she could make a move to escape, one of them took out a machete and beheaded her in the name of human sacrifice.
That was a quote from Daganta Bera, a police commissioner.
Yeah, so apparently the guy, after they arrested him, just gave him a full confession.
He's like, yeah, we did this.
But the most disturbing thing is that according to the Hindustan Times, India's National Crime Record Bureau records that 103 cases of human sacrifice occurred between the years of 2014.
In 2021, over 100 cases of human...
That's so insane.
That's confirmed human sacrifice.
That's not even the ones that aren't confirmed.
And I'm sure it's triple that amount that are unconfirmed.
Yeah. It's got to be so much more.
That's insane.
And that was two years ago, so who knows in the past two years, you know?
Exactly. Exactly.
Well, speaking of India, it's a good segue into our last article, which also comes to us from the New York Post.
A baby born with 26 fingers and toes is hailed as the reincarnation of the Hindu goddess.
Sure. Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
Yeah, I know, right?
Sure. Her family, anyway, thinks that it's divine.
Yeah. Apparently a newborn from Braptura in the northern Indian state of Rajasthan has seven fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot.
And medical professionals say that she was born with a rare genetic abnormality.
But her family is like, no, she's just the second coming of a Hindu goddess.
Well, her mom, Saraju Devi, who's 25, is just thrilled.
And her brother told local media, my sister has given birth to a baby who has 26 fingers and we are considering it to be the incarnation of Jalorgach Devi.
We are very happy.
And actually, the local police force, the Central Reserve Police Force, is also elated.
Everybody's just freaking stoked about this, which is great.
Yeah, that's wonderful.
Well, it's unknown, apparently, if the baby's parents will choose for her to do a surgery where they, you know, hack down the digits to just the normal 10. Why would they want to?
On each.
But technically, there's nothing medically wrong with her, so really, it's just fine.
I think they should just leave her alone.
Yeah, let her do her thing, man.
Like, why would you want to cut it off?
No, leave it.
I don't know.
People would be crazy, but I guess that question's on the table, so we'll have to check back in later.
Well, if they're considering her a second coming of a Hindu goddess, I highly doubt they're going to have a surgery to remove those extra digits.
Exactly. Otherwise...
And ladies and gentlemen, you could, like, take those fingers and toes.
You know how much those are worth?
Always on the money.
I'm always on the money, Coop.
Hey, I'm always thinking about the money, alright?
Yeah, you'll be sponsoring the next Hot Chip Challenge here in the next couple years.
I'm probably going to be sponsoring our own show, actually.
I'll be our own sponsor.
That'll be nice.
We'll go private again.
All right.
Oh, man.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, wraps it up for this segment of Train.
For Train.
Is that a band?
By the way, I heard Boxcar Joe is, well, he's in a coffin of his own.
He didn't make it.
Yeah, I mean, we knew the odds were against him.
Poor guy, man, I swear.
Especially with me paying or not paying for his medical treatment.
I'll get it on the next go.
We're not perfect, man.
Don't hold me to that unrealistic standard.
Exactly. I don't.
Back off.
I don't.
Coming at me aggressively right now.
Jeez. Boxcard Joe.
Send his family some flowers.
All right.
I'll send him a gift card.
Yeah. There you go, buddy.
Thank you to you.
Well, I mean, as usual, that music is on point again, so thank you to the band once again.
Guys are wonderful.
Freaking wonderful over there.
Yep, they're working hard, so we're hardly working.
But hey, you know what we should do?
We should go bowling.
Oh, let's do it.
I love bowling.
270 average right here.
270 average, huh?
No, not really.
More like 27. Hey, did you like that movie Kingpin?
That movie that's, uh, what's-his-face whose dad was the government agent and assassinated that federal judge?
Fuck, what's his name?
Uh, Woody.
Woody fucking Harrelson.
Goddamn. Oh, yeah, dude.
Forgot about that.
Woody fucking Harrelson's dad carried out a hired hit.
On a federal judge.
Isn't that insane?
That shit is so crazy.
So crazy.
Yeah, I mean, he did that interview where he admitted that his dad was a government agent.
That's right.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, dude.
Shit's no joke.
Woody, man, he had a pretty crazy story coming up.
But we'll save that for a future episode.
Sure. Yeah, but Kingpin.
Man, I loved that.
The part where the dude is like, come on, boy.
Bowl. And then Roy, you know, Woody's character, he's like, the name's not boy.
It's Roy.
And then he makes that spare and he goes, Roy Munson.
Like a boss, dude.
Fuck yeah, man.
And that part where Roy's drunk as shit and the guy's like, you been drinking, Mr. Munson?
And when he just gives the comeback that only a one-handed pro Amish bowler would give right after throwing up, he's like, I don't puke when I drink.
I puke when I don't.
Oh, what a G. Just a G, man.
That's crazy.
I think the best part, though, probably the part everyone talks about, is when Roy says, Hey, I hope you don't mind.
I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you.
Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up.
She sure is a stubborn one.
Then POW!
All at once.
And then he takes a big swill from the bucket of milk he thought he collected.
That's so good.
Oh, man.
Gross. And then the guy, Mr. Borg, or whatever, says, We don't have a cow.
That's right.
We have a bull.
We have a bull.
Such a great movie, man.
I remember watching that when it first came out in, like, 96. Didn't understand it, like most things.
Oh, yeah.
I was going to say, I didn't understand a lick of that movie because I saw it when I was, like, 10 or something.
Exactly. What the hell's going on here?
Now I do.
And then I look back and I'm like, oh, yeah, this is probably the reason that I was scared of, like, you know, losing my hands.
Exactly. I think I only fixated on the part that, oh, look, a bowler who only has one hand.
I think that was the whole thing that I was excited on in that movie.
Well, you know, what do you say we firmly press our Velcro shoe straps together, fasten our Velcro cheetah print belt that is purposely one size too small, and pull down our Velcro fastened visor sunglasses, and then trip backward into this intriguing story that is about the man named Edward Gingrich,
who is still to this day the only person in United States Amish history to have been charged and convicted of murder.
Well, what do you say?
Hell to the yes, my man.
Let's churn this purely organic pig's milk of a story into some easily digestible and delectable logs of perfectly salted Amish butter.
Mmm. Love that stuff.
It's truly good.
I'm not even kidding.
Let's start with a little history on the Amish.
Jacob Amon, who was born on the 12th of February in the beautiful year of 1644 in Canton of Bern, Switzerland, is credited with the beginnings of the Amish religion in the late 17th century.
Before establishing his Amish movement, Jacob was a leader of the Anabaptists, who were, or are, a group of fringe or radical Christians of the more Protestant belief system.
They don't consider themselves Christian, per se, but rather a totally separate branch of Christianity altogether.
Jacob's controversial teachings caused a feud between him and his co-religionists.
He believed that any member who lied or was excommunicated for one reason or the other needed to be shunned to its furthest extent.
He also believed that people could not be saved unless they followed Jesus and took his teachings as fundamentally literal as possible.
On one side, you had Jacob Amund, and on the other, you had a man named Hans Reist, who simply could not fathom shunning people for the reasons Jacob declared.
Originally, they were both on the same team, but once Jacob started to really push his beliefs on the group, it caused a divide amongst the entire congregation.
The two sides of essentially the same religion, or way of life rather, could not meet eye to eye in the way they wanted to operate their belief system, including their dress code and styles of beard.
Jacob also feverishly taught the horrible practice of foot washing into their worship service after the biblical story of Jesus washing Peter's feet.
And you know that those feet were just beastly.
Just all tore up.
Oh yeah, man.
Just corns protruding every which way.
Calloused. He also taught that everyone should dress in the same ultra-boring uniform and display the same beyond ultra-conservative behavior.
Also, and arguably the most important rule, the beards of men could not be trimmed, while those of women absolutely needed to be shaved on a daily basis lest a 5 o'clock shadow cast its ugly appearance upon the otherwise sun-scarred and pockmarked face.
That is quite vivid imagery there.
I feel like I'm there.
I feel like I'm living the life.
I'm about to go raise a barn right now.
I'm way ahead of you, buddy.
He also considered it wrong to go to services in a state church rather than in their own place of worship.
And because of the disagreements, Jacob, who had the reins in his hands, decided that if Hans could not agree with him, then Hans and five others who held sway and who sympathized with him would have to be excommunicated.
That's how it works, right?
You get rid of those who don't agree with you.
Just shun all the dissenters.
We see it all the time.
Just look down at the clown school that is the American government.
I mean, that's basically what's going on every four years.
Everybody gets forced out.
New ones are brought in.
It's insane, dude.
How can you have any continuity whatsoever?
The revolving door.
Yep. But a few years later...
In the year 1700, Jacob and other co-leaders of his side decided that they had gone too far with the excommunication and reinstated everyone.
They would also decide to excommunicate themselves because they felt they had grievously erred.
So, that takes some true Yamasati-fed balls right there.
Yeah, mmm.
I love me some Yumasati.
Authentic Yumasati, that is.
Yeah, dude.
Creamy goodness in every bite.
In the end, though, the two sides could never completely reconcile their differences, and each would become its own defined group with their own very particular way of life that only the most dispassionate, imperturbable, and long-suffering could endure.
Wow. You're really selling it.
I think we may actually attract some people to this way of life if they're listening to this.
Yeah. Absolutely, man.
I'm on the fence here.
I might go live in the community.
Take the plunge, brother.
Oof. These two breakaway groups from the Swiss Brethren Anabaptists would become the Amish, named after Jacob Amen, and the other group being the Mennonites, who would be named after Menno Simons, who lived from 1496 until 1561 in Holland, Netherlands.
Interestingly, the Mennonites are about 136 years older than the Amish and are significantly more progressive and accepting of modern technology.
Which I believe includes the first generation Tamagotchi.
Don't quote me on that.
I could be wrong.
No, that's actually true.
And we have quite a few Mennonites.
And they are technologically advanced.
That is true.
What does that mean?
It just means that their farming is badass because they use things like a tractor and a combine.
Imagine that.
Instead of hand-hoeing everything?
Yeah. Yeah, dude.
Yeah, they have like the best equipment.
It's crazy.
All driving Corvettes.
Yeah, I don't know if that's the case.
I haven't been on to a...
I haven't been there, like, at the compound, but, you know, I do know that.
I've been to some sort of community, Amish community, over in Pennsylvania before.
They're pretty intense.
Oh, they don't fac around.
Nah, man.
We should point out here, though, that there are four main groups of Amish, those being the Old Order, the New Order, The Amish Mennonites, and the coolest, most raddest group of them all, the Beachy Amish.
That's now and forever going to be the name of my firstborn.
Beachy Amish.
I like it.
Beachy Amish.
Well, yeah, they're actually not cool or rad, to be honest.
I mean, you know what I mean?
Oh, okay.
You'll have to go into that for me.
Well, like, they weren't surfing the USA or catching any waves or chasing surfer girls.
Oh. So, like, you mean they weren't having fun, fun, fun?
Or going on any surfer safaris?
Or let alone explaining to anyone why God made the radio?
Yeah, man, exactly.
I mean, they aren't Beach Boys cool.
Oh. Well, damn.
That's disappointing.
But once the Great Split occurred, Amish communities quickly started popping up in Switzerland, France, Germany, Russia, and Holland.
And from there, they kept on spreading wherever they were either welcomed or ignored.
And soon enough...
They would make their way to North America beginning in the 19th century and would eventually assimilate with the Mennonite groups that were already here who, in their own right, gradually eliminated the Amish over in Europe.
Whoa. Pretty interesting, huh?
Yeah, just absorption and then like, see ya!
It's just like this evolution of humanity moving around all the time.
Yeah, crazy.
Now, most of us are unfamiliar with the fact that life in the Amish community is governed by an unwritten code of behavior called the Ordnung.
Ordnung is the German word that stands for any or all of the following order, discipline, rule, arrangement, organization, or system.
They are to abide by rules and customs set forth by the Ordnung, or they simply will not be accepted into the community.
They'll be excommunicated.
Which means to be banished or banned, kicked out, basically ignored by the rest of the community.
Yeah. And I think most of us are familiar with the fact that they are not allowed to own or drive any motorized vehicle, nor are they allowed to ride with anyone else in one.
Those things are completely off-limits, and the same goes for airplanes, fighter jets, space shuttles, I would imagine.
Yeah, I can't even imagine.
Like, not having a...
Like, I need my car, bro.
I know people say, no, you don't.
But I feel like I do.
I don't know what I would do without it, honestly.
I would walk.
Oh, yeah.
God forbid.
Shit would take forever.
Can you imagine those space shuttles?
Like, you have a full Amish, like, space crew?
I'll ride you up and die.
Are you ready for the countdown?
All right, everybody get on board.
We're going for a ride.
Oh, man.
The Amish can, however, get this, Scott.
Some communities of Amish allow the riding of a skateboard.
That's super awesome.
Whoa! Like, I'd love to see a fully-garbed Amish dude busting an Ollie Big Flip down a 12-stair or something, you know what I mean?
Just tearing it up on the U.S. Olympic team.
Oh, yeah.
Got this Amish radical just out of the middle of Pennsylvania.
Some kid with a beard, he's like 16. He's just tearing it up, like stone-faced, not smiling the entire time.
Yeah, man.
Just owns the competition.
Watch out, Nyjah Houston.
But yeah, it's the same with bicycles and rollerblades and all those things.
Some communities do allow the use of them for transportation, while others strictly forbid it.
Yeah, it seems like, depending, there's little bits of gray area just like here and there, but all in all, still pretty restricted.
And I touched on their clothing options earlier, very briefly.
Options? I think you listed exactly one thing.
A uniform, basically.
Yeah, well, they do get to have a few accessories.
Well... Sometimes it's the accessories that make up the outfit, you know?
Dude, you're dead on with that, man.
But the Amish clothing codes tend to be the following.
Ahem. Males should wear hats when outside.
Black is for winter and a straw color for warmer months.
No belts are allowed.
Only suspenders.
Once a male gets married, he must grow a beard.
But before then, he must be clean-shaven.
No mustaches.
Ever. No fucking Fu Manchu.
No handlebars.
No weird John Waters stash.
No, nothing.
It's off limits.
This is because in German culture, mustaches are historically known to be associated with military officers.
Coop. Does any name ring a bell?
Just off the, you know, top of your head?
Christopher Waltz.
Um. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Michael Fassbender.
What? Yeah.
No, never mind.
Their clothes must be also hand-sewn.
Every stitch, and women are never allowed to shave their luscious curls.
They're allowed to shave their legs, their pits.
If they want.
Although most love it, so they keep it.
And as you already mentioned, Coop, the women must shave their face.
It is the golden rule among all golden rules.
None are more golden.
Yeah, right.
I mean, and since they are super primitive and don't use technology like Dollar Shave Club or whatever, they have to go out and find a piece of obsidian where they then have to expertly craft themselves a sharp blade, which they can then use to shave the stubborn facial hair.
Yeah, I think that's like a rite of passage into womanhood or something.
You get your own flint, you just make your own shaver.
Yeah. Beautiful women, those Amish, though.
But that facial hair just sort of throws you off for a second.
Yeah, some of them aren't quite experts with the flint and stone.
It's sort of getting a lost art, you know?
Yeah, but I do get past it hairely quickly.
Oh, man.
Nice. I'm going to put that up on the wall of Coop's Good Ones, which now just only has that one.
But, you know, you're growing.
You're growing.
I like the hair.
So continuing on.
Yeah, there you go.
Females must also keep their heads covered, normally with a prayer bonnet and a certain color, which actually lets everyone know their marital status, which is kind of cool.
And this time, there is a choice for the women.
They get to choose between black or white.
Big choice.
Black, meaning that they just dropped $360,000 on a lavish, fancy, pink, radiant, diamond, double halo ring for a less-than-lavish wedding, which are really weird, by the way, but, you know, we'll get to it.
Or white, meaning that they currently don't have a prospective male in their life, which they better find one before they're 22, or else they're seen as being rather outdated.
But, you know, there is some truth to that, unfortunately.
Sad. Gotta shave the face.
God, man.
I mean, we mean no disrespect to the Amish.
This is no personal attack.
Oh, no, not at all.
Do what you're gonna do.
Yeah, for sure.
And we'd love to have one on the show to discuss with the world their personal experience with the Amish life, because I think we'd all like to know.
I mean, I know I do.
Oh yeah, and they can't wear any jewelry.
The women.
Or the men.
Not even a cock ring.
Man. Scott, you and I both made it to approximately the fourth grade, right?
Before we dropped out to become multifaceted entrepreneurs that only made poor financial decisions immediately thereafter?
Should have gone through fifth, man.
Yeah, man.
But look at us now.
Look at us now.
Look how we're doing.
Well... Yeah.
I can't read or write, but I can make jokes.
Hell yeah.
Well, while we made it all the way to the fourth grade without graduating, by the way, Amish children go to school until the eighth grade.
That's like a full three years more than us.
Yeah, I think you're absolutely correct on that.
Three years more.
Yeah, I had to think about that, but yeah, I think you're right.
After that, they either start working on their family's farm or their own home.
Unless they decide they'd rather work a different job within the community, and if they wanted to do that, then they'd need their parents to go find them a job in said community.
Obviously, as we are all probably somewhat aware, living the Amish life is very difficult if it is not one you literally grew up in.
You like your microwave?
Well, it's gone.
You like to dry your hair with the hair dryer while you soak in the bathtub?
Say goodbye to that favorite pastime.
You enjoy a warm, balmy night with your electric-powered 10-incher?
Well, guys and gals, shit's gotta go, because not only are those items banned, electricity that is created by electric companies is considered worldly and therefore just not acceptable.
Well, I mean, if you're gonna go, go all the way.
You know?
Don't talk about it.
Be about it.
Gasoline generators run the few things that they consider essential.
Well, I'd say for most of those women, and probably some of the men...
They would argue that the 10-incher is rather essential, especially during the long winters.
I can't verify that, but I also can't say it isn't accurate.
But the things that are considered essential would be things such as washing machines, water pumps, agricultural equipment, lumber mill equipment, and the dairy barn.
And the only, only form of light that they use once the flat sun falls over onto its side and we can't see it anymore is in the form of gas or kerosene lanterns which provide the always ambient and less than satisfactory lighting in the dark houses
that is often too dim to do anything productive.
Perfect for those romantic moments, though.
I mean, you can't even see a damn thing.
Can't tell a nipple from a tumbleweed, you know?
Yeah, man, I can't help but imagine that Abner thinks he's just shooting blanks because he can't seem to conceive of a child.
But what's really going on is that Abner can't tell that he's actually taking the exit.
Oh! Seems like he's always in a rush to take the exit.
David Eschmucker, Abner.
You went the wrong way again.
I think you're probably pretty right on the money there, buddy.
Scott, have you ever met a girl who enjoyed anal sex more than vaginal sex?
You know, keep looking and never finding.
It's just one of those things.
Can't find it.
Yeah, I, uh...
Personally, I've never met a girl who liked anal more than vaginal.
I hear they're out there.
It's sort of like that rare creature.
You know, what is it, a unicorn?
Or it's like the elusive female orgasm.
Oh, never found one of those.
Nope. What is that?
Still looking.
Never finding.
Still trying real hard at that one.
But all right, I'll let you know.
I'll let you know.
We'll update listeners when that happens.
And listeners, have you found the elusive female orgasm?
Let us know.
Let us know immediately.
I hear unicorns like anal more than vaginal sex, actually.
So, alright.
Well, let me throw this softball at you.
Do you like your cell phone?
Yeah, I mean, it's got all sorts of cool things on it called apps, I believe it is.
One that's called crosswords.
Love that one.
Oh, man.
Can't get enough of it, dude.
Yeah, I know.
Well, for the Amish, telephones.
If there is one, can only be in a barn or a schoolhouse or in some sort of shack or shed or whatever, but never inside of a person's home and never a cell phone.
Yeah, they're still using the old rotaries, right?
You remember those?
Oh yeah, man.
It was a horror.
Absolute horror if you ever had a friend that had a phone number with a nine in it, and God forbid there'd be more than one.
Yeah, yeah.
It'd take you like most of the morning just to get it dialed correctly.
Yeah. Yeah.
you
Man, I love that shit.
Nostalgia. Yeah, totally.
But everyone who lives the Amish life and who is capable of working must do so from the moment that the umbilical cord is severed.
Now, since they don't believe in technology of any kind, are we talking about a situation like the birth scene in Freddy Got Fingered?
Where Tom Green cuts the umbilical cord of that baby by chewing it with his teeth?
You remember that?
Oh, yeah, man.
No, I mean, I doubt they have to do that.
I think they have a better solution.
What it is, I don't know.
Oh, well, that's because it's a trade secret.
You gotta...
You gotta join the clan.
True. But all able-bodied people, children and adults, are to work Monday through Saturday from like 4 a.m. to 6 p.m.
And they'll take Sundays off because Sunday is the biblical rest day, as we all know.
And actually, the first and foremost reason that they rest on Sundays is quote-unquote, because God commands it.
Oh, I'm gonna do that.
Starting now.
Take Sundays off?
Yeah, that's it.
I'm done.
No, you gotta do the show, though.
Oh. Sorry, bud.
God commands you do the show.
Sorry, bud.
You're hit.
Damn you, God!
No! Another important part of living the Amish life is called glassenheit, or yieldness, or being submissive to the will of God.
This idea comes from the Bible when the character Jesus said, Not my will, but thine be done.
Making individuality, selfishness, and pride offensive.
The Amish believes serving others and submitting holy to God rules all aspects of their lives.
They must be submissive, obedient, have humility, and live a
I mean, honestly, what's wrong with that?
Sounds good.
Sounds good to me.
And now, we can introduce the man who is both the protagonist and the antagonist of today's story.
His name was Edward Gingrich.
Edward Gingrich was born on August 18, 1966 in Norwich, Oxford County Municipality, Ontario, Canada, to Danny and Mary Gingrich.
He had seven brothers and two sisters.
His family moved to the Brownhill Amish community of Rockdale Township, located in Crawford County, Pennsylvania, in the spring of 1983 from Norwich.
Crawford County is known for being the county containing the largest number of individual Amish communities.
Some of the communities were more modern.
Many of them were still very much into the original ways of the Amish culture.
The community where Edward grew up was part of an old order Amish family, so you can imagine what that was like.
He, like the Amish are supposed to live, grew up without most of the technological advancements that so many of us take for granted, such as an actual bathroom with running water and a flushing toilet.
Can you imagine?
Then that's my choice, bro.
It's crazy, but I mean, if you grew up...
You know, with that sort of life, and you just wouldn't know any different, and perhaps ignorance really would be bliss.
That's true.
You don't know what you miss if you've never had it around to miss it.
And it's like the same, it goes in the opposite way, too.
If you're just born in, like, wealth, and you had no idea what being poor was like, can you imagine?
No. Yeah, that's insane.
Everything would be great.
But when Edward was young, he was the exact opposite of what a good Amish boy was supposed to be.
He was lazy, unmotivated.
And didn't seem to care at all about his faith, which his family took as an embarrassment.
His father had actually built a diesel-powered sawmill on the corner of Frisbee Town Road, which provided the community with a lot of usable lumber.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
So with a name like Frisbee Town, this implies to me that there were a lot of Frisbees, like a whole town of them.
So, but Frisbees, they're definitely allowed in Amish life, right?
Good question.
And to answer that simply, probably.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, so it gets a little complicated because there are so many offshoots of the Amish religion or way of life.
So some of the sects can play competitive sports or games while others cannot.
This includes board games.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, and apparently the Amish like board games such as Scrabble.
I mean, who doesn't though?
I love Scrabble.
Super fun.
And they enjoy a good game of Monopoly that can drag on for 7, 8, 9 hours straight.
Well, it's either that or shoveling some gravel from one spot to another, so yeah, I'd probably make my Monopoly game last about 7 or 8 hours myself.
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
No, you don't want to put that house on there just yet.
You don't want to think about that financial decision right there.
Just think about it a little more.
Just think about it.
And they really love to play your favorite game, Scott.
Life on the Farm.
Oh, that's not a game, dude.
That's just my life.
Life on the Farm is a board game, and it's described by its makers, We Are Fun Games, as the utterly unpredictable game that sparks multi-generational fun.
Well, I gotta say, they do make it sound fun by starting with the company's name.
And that's because it is a lot of fun, Coop.
Let me tell ya.
Oh, I bet it's all sorts of wholesome family fun, and the point of the game is to collect the most cows and cash so you can be the first neighbor to retire from the farm life.
Yeah. So I've never actually played that game.
But after hearing this description, is it wrong that I kind of want to?
Well, no.
Maybe we can order one.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm sure we can go to any number of thrift stores and just find a few partial sets that we can make a whole one out of, just slapping them together in a frankenfarm kind of way.
That's probably true.
But I thought this was kind of funny.
The age range of the game is from 8 all the way up to 108.
Well, you know why there's that age range, don't you?
Why is that?
Because people on either end of that range are both at immediate risk of putting small objects into their mouths and choking!
It's just inevitable.
Someone's gonna do it.
Ah, shit.
That makes a lot of sense.
Good to know.
Yeah, 108.
That's the cutoff.
Bam! And let's be honest here.
If you do the Heimlich on someone who's basically a walking corpse, no offense, but they're more than likely gonna crush their entire torso, right, when they're hugging one of those car lot inflatable air guys, like, just don't.
Don't do it, man.
Don't take the risk.
That's a 50-50 right there.
There's no resistance.
No. Yeah, no.
Come on!
Oh, whoops!
Just fold it in half.
Yeah, I don't want that on my conscience.
Yeah, well, hopefully that does not happen during a game of life on the farm.
That would ruin all of the fun.
Yeah, exactly.
Don't be that person who ruins a good time.
The Amish also like to play a little softball here and there, a little volleyball, and some basketball, but not competitively.
You know, I wonder, do they play music?
Music's universal, right?
I mean, everybody loves music.
Sure, yeah, the Amish love music, yeah.
They love to listen to it.
They just don't play any instruments themselves.
Oh, man, really?
Forbidden. Too worldly.
Shit. You know that Norval's always eyeballing those spoons on the table.
He's just itching to hit those things together all around the horse stables.
Don't we all?
But there is one game that the Amish play, which is probably by far the coolest thing they do.
It's called Corner Ball, or Eck Ball.
In its adorable native tongue.
Alright, I'm interested.
What is Ekbal?
This is a game where two teams of six players each take turns, one on one, trying to hit each other with what was originally a quarter-sized steel nut tightly wrapped in twine and covered with electrical tape.
Nowadays, they use something like a hacky sack, which is tightly stuffed with sand and tiny pieces of leather.
And they, like, hit each other with this thing?
Like, a small dodgeball?
Yeah, good times.
The two people, and I think it's always just the guys, stand roughly 20 feet away from each other or so, and one takes that hard-ass ball and chucks it at the other person, and it's the other guy's job to avoid getting hit, just like dodgeball.
And the super awesome part of the game is the setting in which it takes place.
Historically, they prefer to play in barnyards where, quote, the winter manure accumulation has softened in the sun, end quote.
I did not write that.
It came from an Amish website.
But then they scatter a bunch of straw over all of that to make it extra soft so when they dodge the steel nut or whatever they're hucking at each other, it doesn't hurt as much when they dive and fall into the ground because that's the entire point of this whole thing.
Whoa, that's so crazy!
So they're like diving around, avoiding this thing, like getting all aerial?
Like that's insane, on a bed of straw and shit?
Yeah. And it appears that you get extra bonus points by doing some really awesome aerial acrobatics as you jump and dive through the air to avoid getting hit.
And these bonus points mean notoriety and prestige around town.
Yeah. You should have seen old Jacob Ekballen out there the other day.
He's a great kid.
He's got a lot of promise.
Alright, so back at the diesel-powered woodmill Edward's father built.
Edward would be there as much as possible.
Just absolutely loved that place.
He preferred hanging out at the mill over a game or two of corner ball any day.
In no time, he was showing everyone how much he knew about the machines that were set up there.
And people were impressed.
Now hold on, back up everyone.
Let me show you something.
You see this thing right here?
This thing right here.
You see that?
What do you think that is, Eli?
I don't know, Samuel.
What's that thing, Ed?
Well, hold on, Leonard.
I'm gonna tell ya.
Yeah, hold on, Leonard.
This thing right here is called a switch.
Say it with me.
Switch. Switch?
Switch. Very good.
That's all I've got for you gentlemen today.
That thing's called a switch, Elmer.
Yeah, I know it is, Caleb.
I knew at first.
Thank you.
you
Edward also enjoyed spending time with who they call the English folk.
English folk are people who the Amish refer to as anyone who simply is not Amish.
So, with that said, Asian people from, say, Cambodia are still considered to be English folk?
I mean, technically, yes.
They consider anyone that is not Amish as English.
So, yeah, you're either Amish or you're English.
One or the other.
Damn! That's a tough choice.
But anyone can join an Amish community so long as the community is accepting of that person.
Now let's introduce Richard Zimmer.
Richard was a local man who befriended young Eddie Gingrich and who owned a farm.
Little Eddie would often fake sick to skip out on attending church so he could go hang out on the farm with or without Richard around.
This is when Eddie confided in Richard that he didn't quite understand the Amish ways of life and that he wanted to get out but didn't know how.
You know, burning questions we've all asked random strangers at the grocery store while we were there with our parents as children, at least once.
Yeah, I mean, you're just always trying to get out of something, you know, when you're that age.
You're just like, man, how can I avoid doing that?
I don't want to do it.
How do I get out?
Hey, mister?
Mister? How do I get out?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Get away from me!
It's above my pay grade.
Now let's skip ahead a little to the fall of 1985, when Edward met the apple of his eye, Katie Shetler, who was the niece of their town's bishop.
Katie was born on March 17, 1964, to Levi and Emma Shetler.
Her father was one of the most respected elders in the community, and her mother did all the usual house wifering.
Katie and Edward dated on and off for about an entire year, until they finally decided to tie the knot.
They would be married on December 2, 1986.
The reason that they married in the first place wasn't out of that thing called love, nor was it wanting to be together forever.
The two would get married out of peer pressure from everyone else in the community.
Katie herself was the last of her siblings to marry, while Edward knew that if he didn't marry her or someone fast, he would be shunned by everyone.
And nobody likes a shunning.
Most people.
There's probably a small subset.
You know, they go around from, like, group to group purely just to get shunned.
That is true.
And, like, that's what they enjoy, and they're just like, yes.
Getting off, I'm being shunned.
They just start out strong and then they just kind of like, you know, fall off of whatever they're doing and people are like, get out of here, man!
You're one of them shunners.
The Shunned.
The Shunned, that's a new fuck with that guy's name.
The Shunned, M. Night Shyamalan.
Yes, M. Night Shyamalan, that's who I was thinking of.
Yeah, it's his next feature film.
The Shunned.
The rated R. The shunned.
It's just like the premise of all of his other movies put into this one.
Yeah, everything just all in one.
This summer, every M. Night Shyamalan movie all in one.
Oh, God.
The shunned.
Now let's go over a typical Amish marriage.
Amish marriages are nothing like a typical non-Amish marriage.
Pretty much everything is different.
So, like, no Elvis officiating the service at a Las Vegas chapel?
The Amish would lose their churned butter logs if they knew that was happening in that town.
Yeah. For an Amish wedding to occur, the couple first have to get the proper certification of their Amish membership from the church.
Then the deacon publishes the names of the couple that are getting married in whatever Amish news pamphlet they have so that everyone can be up to date and privy of important daily matters.
After that, the fathers of the couple have the job to announce the date and time of the wedding and to invite members to the ceremony.
And then the couple get lucky.
Oh, snap it!
Yeah! They get to take a Sunday off of church.
Uh, nice.
Yeah, man.
And while everyone is off at church...
The woman prepares a meal for the man and they eat alone at her family's home.
Once the woman's family returns from church, she introduces them to her fiancé.
What is perhaps the best part is that the man does not give the woman a diamond ring or jewelry or anything like that.
Instead, he is only allowed to give her a nice clock or some fine china.
I mean, I can see that being according to their beliefs because that's something practical that you can use.
Yeah, I agree with that.
I agree.
Son of the world.
Like, instead of a jewelry thing, instead of a diamond ring for the woman, I'm gonna get you a clock that I can just look at on the wall all the time.
I'm down.
I'm down.
Yeah, we're gonna use it.
I promise.
Once the couple's names have been published, they only have a few days before the actual ceremony takes place, which is held at the bride's home.
And instead of going out to buy a wedding gown or using a hand-me-down, the bride is to sew her own damn wedding dress.
Oof! Put those fingers to work, ladies.
Just take one finger, say your index finger, get it wet, just a little bit of saliva, slowly kind of caress around in a circle until you feel confident enough that it'll be a perfect fit, and then very gently,
you just smoothly slide your finger right into the hole of the thimble.
What did you think I was...
Yeah, you just...
Get ready for a long day of sewing.
Come on, man.
Why is everybody looking at me like that?
Jeez. Sewing 101.
First sentence.
First paragraph.
It's actually in the preface.
I'm just reading it from the book here of how to sew.
A lot of women out there are definitely loosening their ties right now.
Getting them all hot and bothered.
Yeah, they're loosening something, right?
Come on.
Take a cold shower.
Yeah, it's that velvety voice.
More like Velveeta voice.
So the marriage ceremony then begins around 9 a.m. and is held more like a normal church service, so pretty quiet and depressing.
And then at the end of what is probably the most boring wedding ever, the couple stands themselves before the bishop and exchange their vows.
The ceremony can last up to three hours, but not a second longer.
And just like in church, all guests get to sit in comfort on the wooden benches the entire time.
That sounds like so much fun.
Life on the farm fun?
Oh, bringing it back!
Don't choke!
Get that out of your mouth, Elmer.
Hey, put that down.
After their wedding day, Edward and Katie moved into Katie's parents' basement and then spent most of the winter on their honeymoon, traveling around the area seeing family.
Then, in March of 1987, Ed's family constructed a one-story house to be a temporary home until Katie started to put her womb to the ultimate test.
Within months, the couple would find out that they were having their first child.
Danny E. Gingrich, who would be born on September 20th, 1987.
But it didn't take long after that before Ed seemed to become depressed.
Edward is the one who came down with postpartum depression?
Is it supposed to be the other way around?
Apparently, one in ten new fathers struggle with the male form of postpartum.
It's typically just them feeling extremely anxious about all the responsibilities, such as money.
Rather than the fact that you just had this human parasite living inside of you for upwards of nine months, breaking your pelvis in the process, and then very painfully exiting your body through the one area you generally get the most satisfaction from, sexually?
And, uh, yeah.
I mean, unless it's a C-section, of course.
Damn, that just puts it in a whole other perspective.
I just don't see what the guy would have to be depressed about, man.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
Responsibility, I guess.
Damn. Yeah, fuck.
After the mill closed at 5 p.m., Edward would stay after hours, staying there until after 10 p.m.
most nights.
He would just hang out with all the machines,
Okay, but did he fix them?
Did he work on them?
No, no, no, no.
He just liked to look at them, admire them, touch them, feel them a little bit, rub his stomach along the edges of the rough contours.
Oh, oh, okay, well that makes sense.
Yeah, I was like, why would he want to fix'em?
Ah, who does that?
Call the mechanic for that shit.
I rub myself on them.
Your stomach.
That's typically what I do.
And in the summer of 1988, Edward built the machine shop next to the mill and spent most of his time buying all kinds of random motors and mechanical parts, just a ton of shit that he would never find useful, and shit that people would never want to buy.
But come July of that summer, Edward started acting somewhat peculiar.
He barely ate, which naturally caused him to lose weight and was constantly complaining of dizzy spells.
Edward began coming home more often, usually in the afternoon, and would spend hours in the bedroom with the door closed, napping.
Katie began to be concerned while most of the elders just assumed he was faking the entire thing due to his well-known contempt of physical labor.
By August, Katie was fed up with Ed's behavior.
Her parents made the suggestion to take him to a medical doctor, an actual English medical doctor, not a fake one.
Katie, being devoted to her faith, wasn't interested in that kind of help.
and made him an appointment with a chiropractor in Cambridge Springs, a Dr. Merit W. Trell, who specialized in drugless therapy.
Most non-Amish thought of him as a total quack, a nutjob, an oddball, a crackpot, a screwball, a crank, even a nutcase from time to time.
But the Amish considered him a true healer, and he treated hundreds of patients all over the surrounding areas.
The doctor was 66 years old, 5'5", and usually wore full cowboy gear.
Complete with the assless chaps and high-heeled cowboy boots with those little metal spurs just for show.
It was hard to tell the doctor from the patients most of the time.
What an odd thing.
You walk in, you're going to get an adjustment.
You're like, ugh, I hope this chiropractor can fix this pain in my shoulder.
And you just got him all westerned up.
He's got his spurs on and no horse.
You're like, who is this guy?
He's obviously not from around here, man.
Over there whipping his whip in the corner.
Yeah. Welcome!
Lay down!
You know that light that they have?
You know, like in Dennis' office?
He just keeps lassoing that.
Yeah, right.
Got it again!
Goes to get the x-ray.
When Ed and Katie arrived at Dr. Trell's office, Ed was told to fill out a slip of paper with his name, his date of birth, address, and the symptoms that he had.
The couple was then sent down a dimly lit hallway to an even darker examination room where Edward was left to sit on the only chair available.
Suddenly, the doctor appeared out from behind a curtain.
It was as if he was just chilling back there for hours.
Doing his whip.
I wonder.
Yeah, right?
Like, he's probably just got a little cop back there.
It's where he stays most of the time.
Sort of like Eddie at the shop.
Just always on call.
He's ready.
He's like, man, just walk in here, man.
Just walk in here.
I'm ready.
I got you.
The doctor then took that paper that Ed had filled out and put it through a little machine he had right there in the room.
This machine...
Edward couldn't keep his salivated eyes off of this machine.
The doctor said this machine would determine Ed's illness by simply scanning his handwriting.
The technology was way ahead of his time.
Wow, yeah.
That's quite a claim.
My handwriting is terrible, so I would probably get diagnosed incorrectly.
All the time.
Yeah, how does that work, man?
Yeah, it would say, you have parinet butter disease.
I'm like, parinet butter?
Huh. Got it again.
You're right again.
The machine's on point.
This thing's good.
Once the machine swallowed up the paper and conducted his thorough evaluation of the handwriting, it ejaculated another piece of paper that showed a series of codes, numbers, letters, and symbols.
The doctor read these codes and determined that Edward needed nothing else than your standard bottom shelf toe pulling and foot rub.
Does it for me most of the time.
Nine times out of twelve.
Now, for those who don't understand, toe pulling is a healing service that the Amish practitioner can offer you, which involves pulling out the aches and pains anywhere on the body.
Traditionally, they use some words, incantations, if you will, and some charms, little trinkets and such.
Many people from the outside looking in, the English, call these practices hocus pocus, sorcery, wizardry.
Oh? Yeah.
But what do they know?
Yeah, seriously.
These people.
Calm down, would ya?
I don't see your medical degree.
Where's your handwriting diagnosis machine?
Yeah. When Edward left the office, he paid them $25 and received a jar of blackstrap molasses for purifying his blood.
And as far as I know, he was told to drink it and not to use it as an enema.
But that's just speculation on my part.
Man, that's disappointing.
I feel like you'd have to use that as an enema for it to work.
Like, just get that molasses just hot, you know?
Yeah. Anytime I hear molasses, I immediately think enema.
Yeah, it's called mole asses.
I mean, it's in the name.
Mole. You put it.
Asses. Ass mole.
Yeah. Oh, geez, it's true.
Ass moles, all right.
Katie was hopeful of the doctor's treatments, and they continued seeing the dog for the next few months.
But instead of getting better, Edward only seemed to be getting worse.
Far worse.
On March 21st of 1989, Katie gave birth to their second son, Enos, which is a sweet name.
And Edward didn't seem to care about his son's birth, choosing to spend time at the mill.
Nurturing the machinery instead.
I could just see him there in the corner with the milling machine.
He's got his arms wrapped around it like he's coddling it.
Just sort of like bottle feeding it with oil.
Yeah, man.
He probably has like a giant ergo.
He can put those little machines in and walk around with the ergo in it.
Burping his machines.
Yeah, totally.
He's got it on the swing.
He's got a little grinder.
The machine's old, so it's got a smell to it when he's running it.
He's like, oh, somebody needs a change.
Removing the panel, singing a song.
Oh, God.
Man. Well, anyway, Bishop Shetler would give notice to Edward's behavior and would consider him to be a bad batch of Amish apple cider.
Come December of 1989, a little setback would occur.
One of them damned English farmers would see some flames off in the direction of the community.
Once you got close enough, you realized that it was the Gingrich's sawmill.
Soon enough, fire trucks would arrive on scene, but it was too late for the mill.
The mill was a complete loss, burned completely to the ground.
And because of their beliefs, they didn't have any insurance to cover their losses.
The cause of the fire?
Well, it was apparently caused by a wood stove that was left unattended.
And whose fault was that?
Oh man, it had to be old Eddie!
He's the only one that was there.
Well, we actually don't know who left the fire unattended, but we can only assume it was poor Eddie.
Exactly. But with the mill gone, Edward felt totally lost.
He no longer had his place to hang out alone amongst the machines, or as he sought, a purpose to live.
Damn, that's dark.
And although the Amish do not believe in insurance, they do believe in their community and supporting one another.
Despite Edward's clear mental struggles going on, which the entire community was well aware of at this point, he made it his foreseeable life mission to build another mill that would be more modernized than the last.
He had goals to increase production, which would increase the profit.
But first, he had to ask for the bishop's permission to rebuild, because apparently the bishop is the final word on such matters.
And the bishop guardily gave him the green light, and with a few stipulations.
Edward could only hire authentic Amish folk, and could not make the mill...
Too modern in keeping with the Amish way.
As frustrated as Edward was about this, he was still excited to regain a sense of purpose in life and establish a new hiding spot for himself as well, which probably took precedent over anything else.
And while Edward was planning out and drafting up the new mill with architectural skill and precision, even Frank Lloyd Wright would plaster his pants over.
Katie found out that she had also been filled with Eddie's plaster and was pregnant with their third child.
What? No way.
Jeez. Two people were able to escape and live.
I don't know.
Maybe we should cover that one.
Yeah, wow, man.
And where was old Frankie when that happened?
I think he was somewhere else building another house.
Wow, I've never heard about that until now.
Definitely we should cover it for sure.
A little preview.
Frank Lloyd Wright.
Yeah, a little preview of coming attractions there.
Seven people murdered at his house.
That's crazy, man.
Well, Edward was not at all pleased with the news or the thought of yet another child.
To him, this was yet another monkey wrench tossed right into the gears that were his plans.
But Mary Gingrich would be born on March 13th of 1990, making her a solid 33 years old today.
Edward didn't care.
Probably wasn't even aware of his daughter's birth.
He avoided his wife and his children at all costs because there were much more important things in the works.
And to give his children attention meant that attention was not being given to what needed to be done.
He needed to build a mill.
The community needed the mill.
His baby girl needed that mill.
And God needed that mill, too.
Yeah, God was in dire need of freshly cut Amish lumber for all the benches he was building to seat all the people waiting in line.
Quality wood.
Nobody complains.
No, everybody buys.
And so it would be.
The new mill broke ground in April of 1990, and boy, what a sight it was.
With the entire community on board, it took no time at all to build the 150-foot-long, 25-foot-wide building.
But get this, Scott.
Edward impressed not only the Amish, but the English as well with his new mill.
Everything was automated with all sorts of buttons.
Diesel-powered conveyor belts moved logs through a five-foot saw blade which directed the sawdust to another conveyor belt which hauled it out into large piles for collection to be used for whatever.
Edward was extremely pleased with his modernized wood mill and truly felt like he had found the purpose of life that he was looking for.
And again, he had his place of solitude, his place of comfort in being alone around his machines.
Katie and Edward's marriage was becoming more rocky, as you can imagine as the days went on.
Edward was downright refusing to engage in coitus or any sexual act with Katie, giving or receiving.
Which was just missionary.
Right, right.
And by the way, as we mentioned earlier, only the married Amish can sleep in the same bed together, and they need to be fully clothed, which they call bundling.
Bundled up?
I don't know.
Doesn't sound like it's for me.
And bundling, it isn't sexual in nature.
It's mostly meant to allow the couple to get to know each other better, as they say.
Oh, I see.
Okay, okay.
So it's just like, you know, a slow progression, if you will.
Right, yeah.
And the practice comes from the Bible when the character Ruth awkwardly slept by her spouse, Boaz, just fully clothed, shoes, hat, gloves, scarf, the whole works.
Yeah, I believe as the story goes that Ruth was actually overdressed for the occasion.
Really put a damper on old Boaz's night because earlier in the day he visited Adam and Eve and picked up a bottle of some of that gel that all the ladies are gossiping about.
I see what you did there.
Yes, yes.
It's the talk of the town.
Everybody's at the well just day in and day out talking about it.
But don't think that you can just snuggle up close to your partner because the Amish have a remedy for that as well which works 100% of the time as with everything they do.
But what they do is they install a little divider in the bed, so each person has to stay on their side, which sounds kind of good, right?
Sometimes. And these dividers are very tall.
Did I send you a picture of that, Scott?
Oh, yeah.
No, it looks like the net at Wimbledon.
Yeah, exactly, man.
Pick a ball net.
Yeah, I think...
I think I saw a lower one at the Ping Pong Championship, but yeah, it would definitely keep you on your side of the bed, and I guess I will say that at least you wouldn't have to fight for the covers.
Exactly. But it kind of reminds me, you know, like, you're getting, you know, you have a night where you're like, oh, I want to go over to that side, and you're kind of like Wilson from Home Improvement just looking over like, hey, hey, neighbor, you know?
It's like the Great Wall of China.
You got, like, a little rubber band, like, paper clip that goes over the side.
You know, the lady sees you just like a little grappling hook coming over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just heavy breathing.
Going just a few inches deeper here into the hopeful red glow of the silent after hours inside of an Amish bedroom, I tried desperately to find out if the Amish are allowed to fuck in different positions, but I couldn't find anything definitive.
I found some people saying that missionary is the only position allowed, which is what we've heard since we were kids, right?
But I also found a list of the top ten Amish sex acts and positions.
And it was updated this year.
Well, I'm glad at least it's coming in fresh.
We don't want any of the old ones from 20 years ago.
No, and so obviously we have to list these, right?
Oh, I mean, we'd be remiss if we didn't.
So, Scott, this list didn't come with explanations, just titles.
So I will list the title, and you could just give us an explanation of what these positions would entail, right?
Super stoked.
Alright, let's do it.
Alright, coming in at number 10, the butter churn.
Alright, that's when the woman holds the man by the legs upside down and he's just like going to town down there.
Okay. Alright.
Number 9, the barn razor.
That one's more like yoga.
So you start out on your back on the floor and then you kind of have to arch and then the partner sort of like hammers everything into place, right?
Okay, I see it.
At number eight, milk your own cow.
Well, that one is just you yourself, but you have to do it with your hands on the floor and your feet on the floor, like in the plank position.
Okay, all right.
At number seven, the downward hog.
That one is where you have like water balloons and you have to like safety pin them to yourself, kind of like piglets, like suckling or whatever.
And the other person's watching in the background.
You know, going to town.
A cook thing?
Yeah, yeah, sort of, yeah.
Alright, at number six, the Lancaster.
That's where you have to go out in the community and you have to do it out there because, you know, you're going out in the town and just like exhibitionism, I believe.
Oh, okay.
Coming in at number five is the Bonnet Comet.
I think people like that one because you just take the head, the traditional headgear and the man ejaculates into that and...
Yeah, it's just you can do it in the comfort of your own home, and so it's high up there on the list.
Damn. All right, and then number four, the Pennsylvania Dutch Oven.
That surprisingly is where you just do it, but you're actually cooking at the same time.
It's kind of a tame one.
I think that's why they like it more.
It's like more in keeping.
Like it's in the kitchen, takes place in the kitchen?
It takes place in the kitchen, yeah, exactly.
And at number three, the Suspender Bender.
That's a good one, actually.
So that's where the man puts the suspenders on the lady and then grabs on to those.
I like it.
Totally. Number two, this is one of my favorites, all-time favorites, the Guilty Quilty.
Oh, well, the Guilty Quilty is when that little divider, it ain't dividing no more.
You know what I mean?
Oh, man.
You know what's happening tonight.
Oh, man.
All right.
Coming in at number one on the list of the top ten Amish sex positions is everyone's favorite, the horse and buggy.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's because it's not just two people involved.
There's a third.
But as the title would suggest, the third, it's everybody's favorite barnyard animal, the horse.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, doggy.
Damn. Well...
Yeah, okay.
And then I found something very interesting in the Urban Dictionary, if you can believe that.
Oh, do tell.
Apparently, as of 2004, there is an Amish sex position called the Amish plow.
Now, Scott, just take a guess as to what that position is.
Oh, no.
I'd have to say it's probably kind of like the wheelbarrow.
That's what I'm guessing.
Except for maybe it's instead of one partner with the hands on the ground, they're just on their back.
And then you just push them along the floor.
You know?
Like the Amish plow?
I don't know, man.
It's kind of like that.
So the Amish plow is when you're doing it doggy style, right?
I'm sure everyone out there knows what that is.
And you, the guy, unexpectedly knock the woman's arms out from under her as she's resting her weight on them, right?
And you roughly pull her arms back and up behind her back.
Which makes her head and face go down into the floor or the ground or open field or wherever you do it.
The pig pen?
Favorite all-time spot just right there in the mud.
Sure. Yeah.
And you essentially move her around like a plow and make all the necessary sounds and whatnot.
Oh, interesting.
Okay, so I was pretty close, actually.
Very close.
That was actually not a bad guess.
Yeah, that was a pretty good guess.
But I still don't know if the Amish have more than one sex position.
Or if they even take their clothes off to do it.
No shit.
Well, listeners, if you were once in the Amish country and left so that you could listen to podcasts, and that's just like your favorite thing to do, or if you just know a lot about the Amish life because you're a fan, please tell us if the Amish have more than one sex position, and if you take your clothes off to do it,
or if you just undo the belt, pull up the dress, however it happens.
Let us know.
Everybody wants to know that.
And if you know, tell us.
The world wants answers.
So anyway.
The thought of having more kids frightened the Dutch cabbage rolls right out of Edward.
This meant that he was doing overtime at the mill, off the clock.
Whenever Katie would try and have a conversation with Edward, he would start to talk about modernization, not only in the mill, but in the community.
This was shocking to her, of course, but what was more of a concern to her was his incessant talk about leaving the Amish lifestyle altogether, because he saw and wanted the opportunities that the English lifestyle could provide.
You know.
The Game Boy, the Walkman, the Talkboy, which if anyone is unfamiliar with the Talkboy, well, that was a portable voice recorder with a super sweet design, like an axe guitar.
Pretty epic piece of equipment, really.
It's actually what Macaulay Culkin had in the first Home Alone.
Yeah. I could see Eddie wanting like a car phone, but for the buggy, you know, and most likely a Tamagotchi.
Sure. After he saw those dangling on all the English pants loops and wallet chains, it was like, man, it was pretty sweet.
Yeah. And unfortunately, Katie was totally against this, and she knew that if the bishop heard of this sort of talk coming out of Edward's mouth, that their family would be shunned forever.
In August of 1990, David Lindsay, one of those young Englishmen with seven Tamagotchis dangling from his own pants loops, visited the sawmill with intentions of selling him some of the finest logs Edward had ever seen.
David was extremely impressed by the mill and asked him if he would give him a tour of the place before he could even finish his sentence Edward was already 10 steps ahead of him pointing out all the cool machines David was pretty stoked about the place and asked Edward if he could stop by the following week to
have a little
Probably just wants a place to hang out by himself, like Edward.
And David then told Edward that his intention was to talk to him about something life-changing, which was accepting Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior.
In response, Edward didn't seem to care about any of it, but agreed to meet and talk to him on his next trip to the mill.
David Lindsay was a born-again Christian, and he had a mission, a Christian mission.
He thought that he would be the savior for the Amish and of the Brown Hill settlement, which he believed was a full-fledged cult.
David was as sure as St. Joseph's shit that the Amish would be cast off to eternal damnation unless someone showed them the way to salvation through the man, the myth, and the legend, Jesus Christ.
It's funny that this group of people that's probably, like, I mean, arguably more chaste and just than a lot of other groups of people, and this guy's like, I want to save them.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, dude.
I just think that's kind of ridiculous.
And David was convinced that Edward was the path to getting into the Brownhill Settlement and to Bishop Shetler, who he thought was essentially the queen bee of the hive, where he could then save them all from eternal suffering.
Days after their first meeting, David showed up at the mill in his vehicle and quickly got out with a Bible in hand, more than eager to share his knowledge.
Edward went out to greet him, and David asked Edward to sit in his truck and talk for a bit.
Come on, buddy.
Yeah, so you should come sit in my truck with me.
Yeah, you know, just sit in it for a minute.
Come on, man.
Yeah, buddy, we can talk.
You and me.
Just you and me.
Let's go back to my truck and talk.
Eddie, buddy.
Yeah, I'll show you this Bible I got in there.
It's my favorite edition.
You should just come check it out, man.
Just for like two seconds.
Two shakes of a lamb's tail.
You guys got lambs out there.
Hey, come on.
Buddy, just a little bit of check.
Come on, man.
Sit in my car.
Sit in my car.
Come on, sit in my car.
Come on, sit in my car.
And Edward shrugged his shoulders and accepted the invitation.
And as soon as the two men sat down in the cab of the truck, David no sooner started to preach to him about how the bishop's ways were all wrong and leading his people to hell, and how David's version of Christianity was the way out.
All of this talk left a pretty big imprint on Edward's delicate brain.
And when he exited the truck after five or six hours, he was more confused than ever and uncertain that he was following the right faith.
Yeah, I bet he's already having doubts, right?
So then he talks to this guy who's like, you should be having doubts.
And he's like, I am having doubts.
Yes, you should.
I am.
And then, yeah, I'm sure it didn't help.
It was the last thing he needed.
David would leave after their talk, and he continued to visit Edward regularly to discuss all matters related to Christianity in secret.
No one looked twice at Edward for talking to the English folk as everyone knew he liked to do, and therefore no one would even know that David was replacing his Amish beliefs with those of Christianity.
In October of 1990, Edward was complaining about ongoing earaches and breakouts of rashes around his body.
Again, Katie took him to see Dr. Terrell.
He's got it figured out, man.
I guess with all that toe pulling.
And the only thing the good doctor did for poor Edward was massage his ankles, and then he sent him home with another bottle of the miracle elixir that is blackstrap molasses.
Oh no!
Poor guy didn't even get a good toe pulling.
No! He just, like, skipped the toe pulling and went straight to the molasses.
Like, oh, I can clearly see this worked for you last time.
So here you go.
And for the rest of 1990, and into the fall of 1991, Edward continued working around the mill and spending his extra time there as well.
Come September...
Construction on their new house would begin.
The previous two bedroom proved to be too small for the growing family.
As I'm sure we're all generally aware, for the most part, that in the Amish way of life, the men work, and they work hard, and from the very moment they're born.
Except for Edward.
He wanted absolutely nothing to do with the construction of his family's new two-story four bedroom home.
While he was off doing his Edward stuff, he left all the hard work to his father and the sawmill crew to do.
And without hammering a single nail himself, the house would be completed just a couple of months later, and his family of five would officially call it home.
But after moving into their new house, Edward's health declined even more.
He was constantly complaining about dizziness, itchy skin, earaches, and back pain.
On top of all that, he was rarely eating a meal.
Katie purchased some herbs and hoped to help him with his worsening ailments, but he refused to use them, thinking her intentions were to poison him, not help him.
And I don't blame them, man.
I'm highly questionable about it when people come up to me trying to get me to eat all these, like, random herbs and weird tuber-looking things.
They're all like, yo, Coop, quick, here.
Eat these random herbs and weird-looking tuber things I found down there beneath the Little Neck Bridge, like, I don't know, 20 minutes ago?
They're all, like, covered in dirt, just slimy and oily, and they're like, hey, man, gotta eat this.
You gotta try it out.
Well, have you eaten it?
No, but, I mean, I feel like you should, you know?
I feel like it's good for you.
I'm like, yo, bro, no, I'm good on all that shit, man.
Why is everyone always coming up to me with plant roots and moss and shit?
Oh, well, guess I gotta send back your Christmas present that I already ordered off Amazon.
Again? The same gift.
Again. Well, you liked it so much a year ago.
I hated it.
Damn. I told you.
I told you.
Why did you unwrap it and say, I love this.
I love this.
You just kept going up to people like, I love this.
It was the benefit of you, man.
I didn't want to embarrass you.
Tell the truth, homie.
Sorry, man.
Jeez. Well, this year you're just getting blackstrap molasses.
You know what I'm doing with it.
Not eating it.
Yeah, that's what's up.
Anyway, bringing it back to Katie.
Katie's birthday was on March 17th, 1992, and Edward spent the long, drawn-out day at the machine shop, completely unaware of what day it was.
Instead of celebrating the occasion with his wife, he was degreasing an engine of some kind with this shit called gunk, which is a ruthless solvent that was or is exceedingly harmful to you.
But according to the safety precautions of the highly toxic chemicals, you are only supposed to use it in well-ventilated areas or outside entirely, and it is crucial to dilute the concentrated solvent before its use, and you definitely didn't want it on your skin.
Edward was not taking any of these precautions into consideration, not a single one of them.
He was using it in a small confined area that was the shop that...
Had no windows, or proper ventilation for that matter, and he wasn't just using it in small, minute proportions or for a short period of time.
He literally used it in this tiny shop all day long, upwards of 10 hours.
When he finally stumbled outside of the shop, around 4 p.m., like a wasted sailor who stepped on terra firma for the first time in six months, his shaky legs led the way to the house, where he would completely ignore his wife.
As she stared bluntly at him, mouth agape, right as he walked by.
The kids weren't even an afterthought as he walked up the stairs and went straight to bed where he passed the fuck out.
When Edward woke up the next morning, he felt groggy and his head was killing him.
But that didn't stop him from getting a cup of coffee and heading straight back to the machine shop where he'd get right back to work in that room that was still full of gunk fumes.
He didn't care.
He probably didn't even realize that he straight up poisoned himself the day before, to be honest.
But he went right back to work, finishing out his day.
Again, he stumbled his sea legs home, but now his head, his arms, and his legs were throbbing with pain.
Dang, I feel like the scene is set.
Man, he is just toiling.
Not doing good.
Not doing great.
That evening, while Ed was upstairs still sleeping, David Lindsay decided to stop by for a quick hello, followed by a few hours of preaching.
But when Edward heard his English friend's voice, he quickly leapt from the cot and came crashing down the stairs to greet him like a giddy child on the best Christmas morning ever, just super eager to unwrap her presents.
That sounds exciting.
Scott, can you guess when the traditional Amish Christmas is?
I have no freaking idea, man, but I'm going to guess July.
Let me tell you, it's not July.
Okay. They actually celebrated on January 6th.
Oh, January 6th.
Yeah. Do you know what else happened on January 6th?
Say, I don't know, three years ago?
Oh, yes.
It was an embarrassing travesty coup.
A poorly orchestrated attempt by certain people in high seats of power on both sides.
All sides, really.
So that they could more or less systematically incite a bunch of already pissed off and misdirected citizens to get them all riled up enough that they'd become willing to cause damage to buildings and offices.
All so that the political elite and the rich can introduce new bills into the laws that further strip what are supposed to be our God-given inherent rights that cannot be infringed upon, yet they be infringing.
Oh boy, they be fringing what they told us cannot be fringed.
That's exactly it, and it's a hot topic.
Some say it was a conspiracy, an inside job.
Others say it was simply an incompetence of the party cabinet or whatever.
But what do you think it was, Scott?
Well, I'll tell you.
I want to shed a little light on this thing that we call the media in this country there, Coop.
Oh, yeah.
As of now, 2023, there are six companies known as the big six.
That would be Comcast, Disney, AT&T, Paramount, Sony, and Fox.
These six companies own 90% of all of the media that's out there and consumable.
Disney, on the other hand, ABC, ESPN, Nat Geo, FX.
It is crazy, dude.
Fox, Fox News, Fox Sports, Fox TV stations, Fox Business.
And all these subsidiaries underneath them change hands routinely.
It's like one huge rotating money fest for these guys.
So we're all seeing what they want us to see.
It's crazy.
Yeah, it's pretty crazy, man.
And it appears that the 10% that is left in that media that isn't owned by those people...
is only viewed by about 10% of the total amount of people who actually watch or listen to the news on a regular basis.
I hope that makes sense.
So therefore, if anyone is getting actual news that is unbiased and coming from a vetted and unbiased news platform, it's those 10%, meaning that 90% of the American people happily gorge themselves on hate-filled rhetoric that is designed to get one to think along party lines.
Not for themselves.
Yeah, and it's just apparent in the conversations that
being highlighted.
I mean, everybody knows, like, oh, that person's not thinking for themselves.
They're just consuming what they're seeing on TV.
Yeah, man.
I want to look deeper into that whole monopoly structure of the media and who's actually behind it all because it's those people who are the closest to the people at the very top who we never hear about.
We don't even know their names, which I'm sure they have more than one.
And, you know, these are the people that can just freely travel all over the world on their mega yachts, worry-free, without passports or anything.
Totally. If the going gets tough, they can literally just leave.
Just bounce.
Oops, sorry, later, I'm out of here.
I'm no longer here.
Yeah, the average person doesn't seem to understand that they are being fed a certain narrative that the people at the top want the people at the bottom to know.
They control the media.
They control the narrative.
They control the minds.
It's plain and simple.
Exactly. So you gotta think for yourself.
You gotta think for yourself, man.
Yeah, and these six people, like the six people that run those six companies, man, like the majority of the content that the average person watches and listens to on a daily basis, you know...
If these people are dictating all that, you can't tell me that that does not have a direct effect on people's consciousness and decision-making.
Oh, yeah.
It's the whole premise of subliminal messaging.
Like, what you're hearing all the time is what you're going to end up thinking.
And you're going to base your actions based off of what you're thinking.
Don't act like you're not susceptible to it.
Everybody is.
And the point is, is that whatever your opinion on the events of January 6, 2020, there's much more to the story than what the powers that be in the media companies, who are all buddy-buddy, mind you, are telling the public, just like all things.
They mislead us at every turn.
It's in their very nature simply because they know that they can.
Well, and a lot of it's business-oriented as well.
By polarizing people, you can make business off of that.
You can capitalize on that.
So people are like, that's what they want.
They're like, oh, I can turn this into money.
Yeah, and power.
But we digress.
We digress.
Exactly. Anyway, the Amish traditionally celebrated Christmas on January 6th, 12 days after December 25th, because that is the day that they occurred at the arrival of the three wise men at Bethlehem, where they watched the brutal birthing of a man-god.
And today, most Amish don't celebrate Christmas on January 6th, for whatever reasons they may have, but many still do.
Can you imagine just like an adult-sized man being birthed?
Oh, fuck.
It's hot in there.
Ace Ventura.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where we'll have to end part one of this two-part series.
Next week, we will have to give you the conclusion, and it is going to get a little messy.
But don't worry.
The Amish are very helpful.
of one another and quickly cleaned up that mess.
But we'll get to that next week, we promise.
It is a promise we will keep.
We thank everyone again for being here with us.
We very much appreciate all of you for listening to us.
Without you, there is no us.
So thank you.
I mean, it's hard work.
A lot goes into this and it's fun.
I just hope that people find it fun as well and laugh about it and find enjoyment out there.
You know, out of this, what we do here and can relate to our unkempt bedhead humor.
Exactly. Just treat us with a little grace, please.
We'll do the same.
And, you know, we want to thank Shy, who is a fan of the show.
Shy was instrumental in the research for this episode, so I want to thank you tremendously for that, Shy.
Oh, yeah.
Very thankful.
And please, don't forget to reach out to us.
Email us at Paranautica at gmail.com.
Follow us at Twitter, X, Twitter, under at Paranautica, all lowercase letters.
Super easy to find.
Exactly. Well, all right, guys and gals.
We urge you to carefully go out there in the world to places like the supermarkets.
And once you're at said, or, you know, a market, just walk up next to someone as they're walking, slowly sort of sneak your right arm in between their left arm and their body, and then gently hold their hand.
It's fine.
You'll be fine.
It's been tested.
It works.
And then, as the comfort is almost overcoming for both of you, you simply look them in the eye in a very angelic voice and tell them, you have been chosen to listen to the Paranautica podcast.
Congratulations, sir.
And, Scott, I didn't know you can speak 15 languages.
Indeed. Just don't tell the people from those countries what happened here, and we'll just keep this between you and me.
All right.
Keep it a secret.
Listeners, ladies and gentlemen, have a good week.