Sexual problems can have a devastating effect on any relationship, and talking about them with your partner without the right approach can make the issue even more complicated. In this interview, Dr. Oz is bringing together the ultimate experts - Chip Rowe, former Playboy Advisor and senior editor of Playboy Magazine, and Dr. Gail Saltz, psychiatrist and author - to break down your biggest sex questions, and nothing is off limits. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Most people have fantasies of other things coming in, and you can't really control that.
And if you think, well, that's bad, I'm thinking about the soccer coach, then actually what happens is you just kind of shut down everything.
I tell patients it's really okay to occasionally use other people, other fantasies, in the service of your own sexual relationship.
Hey everyone, I'm Dr. Oz and this is the Dr. Oz Podcast.
Well, we're having a menage a quattro with Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist at the New York Presbyterian Cornell, author of Anatomy of a Secret Life and Changing You, a guide to body change and sexuality.
Frequent guest on the Oprah Show, columnist for Oprah Magazine, on today's show, all over the place, and for good reasons, because she's very good at explaining some very delicate topics in ways we can understand.
Gail, thanks for joining us.
Pleasure to be here.
Now, her counterpoint is going to be Chip Rowe, who is the Playboy advisor, senior editor at Playboy magazine.
Chip's been answering questions for Playboy readers on sex and dating and relationships and etiquette.
I don't know if most men have much etiquette, so a lot to talk about there.
And lots of topics for 12 years, 13 years now.
And each month he takes about 500 emails and letters, picks the most provocative ones with the most pertinent queries in response to them.
And this is actually how a lot of guys get their sex advice.
So, Gayle, let's start with you.
Okay.
Since it's apropos of this discussion, you actually prescribe pornography.
You'll prescribe Playboy magazine to some patients.
Why?
Basically, it's a tool that can be used in your armamentarium or in your toolbox of what you're going to use to stimulate your appetite.
Because, quite honestly, low desire is a big...
First of all, let me say, sexual dysfunction is a real issue for this country.
There was sort of a watershed study in JAMA a few years ago that said that 43% of people are having some sort of sexual dysfunction.
So a large chunk of those are actually in the arena of desire.
And, you know, it can be, of course, biological and hormonal, but often it's not.
It's often a psychological issue.
And something that can be, and, you know, a lot of women, particularly, are inhibited and uncomfortable with using fantasy.
To stimulate their arousal, to increase their desire.
And these come out of old myths and legends of growing up where sex is dirty, sex is shameful.
If you want to think about erotic things, you must not be a very nice girl.
And so I see a tremendous number of women who come in and say, you know, I don't have desire.
And I say, well, what are you thinking about during sex?
And they say, eh.
Oh, what I'm going to make for dinner tomorrow night if I need to pick up the dry cleaning.
Oh, look, there's a crack on the ceiling.
We better paint that tomorrow.
You know, they're just not focused on something really erotic.
And, you know, frankly, it's pretty tough to enjoy yourself, get aroused, and certainly have an orgasm if you're having no fantasy.
So, in comes erotica.
If I prescribe...
First of all, women are very visually stimulated.
And contrary to popular myth that men like visual stimulation and women don't, Is that a myth?
Because that was actually one of the things that I have learned, believe it or not, doing this show, was that guys like light when they have sex.
Women, I'm told, like dark when they have sex, which is why guys seem to be more comfortable with pornography as part of the experience.
Well, I would say that's true and untrue, in that men are more visual than women.
Women need some more emotional stimulation.
For instance, in their erotica, they need a little plot.
A little something, a little romance, a little something going on that has something to do with feelings.
But, that being said, if you put men and women in front of just plain old porn with no, you know, no plot, women will also become aroused, genitally aroused.
So, in fact, we know that women are visually stimulated.
And if I say, you know what, I want you to use this.
I am prescribing this film or these fantasy books.
Mm-hmm.
It allows women to have permission to do it, to not feel that conflict while they're doing it.
Oh, I'm bad.
Which, by the way, puts a real kibosh on arousal.
Right, it does.
And it, you know, so it's a tool for them.
They can enjoy it with their partner.
That's usually very exciting.
And for women who particularly have trouble letting themselves have fantasy, which is important, they can borrow fantasy.
They can borrow that visual image or if they read it, if they're so uncomfortable to watch porn, which some women are, I might say, you know, check out these Nancy Friday books.
They can borrow that fantasy story and feel okay about it, and it may begin to let them use their own fantasy.
So do you have a reader's list, you know, best hits?
It really does depend on the person.
I try to assess.
I mean, there's some people who I would say, some women I would say, Candida Royale.
She makes great pornography for women.
It's geared toward women.
Or I may say, go to Eve's Garden because it's a shop run by women.
It's not like, come again, or something where they're going to feel uncomfortable going in there.
And, you know, women are going to help them select something for them.
And then some people, I suggest something like real sex, which is real people having sex that's sort of instructive.
And there's some people that we're more comfortable with, you know, oh, it's a lesson, how to do this, how to do that, as opposed to just porn for porn.
All right, Chip.
Now, a lot of times in the spreads in Playboy, there's not a lot of plot.
No, I actually personally like plot, and I don't know if that's because I've been exposed for 12 years to Playboy, and I'm looking at the plot, what's happening, and then I fast-forward through the sex.
But everything you said was totally what I tell people.
The fantasy is really an easy way, once someone's been married 10 years, to introduce that.
And I often said, with the pornography, this is very difficult for men, but you've got to give up the remote.
You rent the pornography, and she has the remote, and you watch and see where she stops.
And that tells you a lot about, and a lot of women haven't seen pornography, and you may be surprised by what they find erotic.
And the guy also can learn from that, and that's a way to share it.
And I know the guy will be sitting there with his hands shaking, because it's really hard to give up, hand it over to anybody.
I love that idea.
Sure, it's fun.
I don't love it too much, honey.
We're not getting bored anytime soon.
But there's a lot, you know, there's really bad porn, I would recommend the same things, Candida Royale, but there's really horrible porn that is just scene after scene, there's no plot, and you do want to have a story, and that helps generate what fantasy, and then you can exchange fantasies.
Is Candida Royale a writer?
Sounds like a yeast infection.
She produces, she directs, these are, you know, some women are just not going to be comfortable with this.
And that's okay, too.
That's why I say, like, even, you know, there are some sexy movies that are not porn, but, you know, have a sexy plot or story, and that can, you know, so in other words, you really have to assess yourself.
I would never want to tell a woman, you know, get this and have her be reeling, like, oh my God.
And that could just send her under a rock, and the whole libido under a rock.
Right, right.
If you think you're just not going to be comfortable with this, I would say reading creates a distance, even if it's highly erotic reading.
So that's a good way to go.
If your husband really likes porn, you can let him watch five minutes of porn.
the porn, well, you take a shower and have a little candlelight and get yourself ready and read something.
You can read something together.
Look, there are some women who, who at the time Sex and the City came out, that was pretty risque.
That was pretty sex-filled.
And even that, watching that before the couple got it on, was, was actually really useful because it just, it just kind of planted a lot of ideas in her head for a woman who is inhibited that can really be a boost.
Just so that we don't sound like we're advocating everybody on your porn.
And also, to have a differing opinion here, which does not really comment on my view of porn, but there is the whole...
When I was studying acting, there was this whole idea that what you really have to be is be present and in the moment.
And if you're substituting or if you're thinking of someone else, you're really not open and communicating with the person that you're supposed to be with.
So if you're engaging in porn, and you're thinking about the woman with the triple D breasts, and that's what's getting you off, you're really not having an intimate, sharing, fulfilled relationship and allowing yourself to be present to the moment in the sexual act.
That's true if it's every single time, but I think everybody introduces that fantasy.
After you've been married for a long time, that's the only way to kind of keep it going.
Right now, I'm very distracted, actually, right now.
Where am I? We're gonna bring a curtain here.
Can I have a curtain, please, around Chip?
Now that they have these fMRI machines, it's really interesting.
They're putting people in and showing them porn to see how their brains react.
And they have found that men and women both react to porn immediately.
But then the way it gets to the center of your brain is different.
It's like kind of a lightning storm for women, like a direct shot for men.
That's the kind of simplest way.
For women, it's a lightning storm?
It's a lightning storm.
It kind of goes all different ways, ends up in the same place.
For men, it's like lightning, one bolt right to the center.
And, but it's interesting that the brain reacts, you know, 20% faster to a pornographic scene than it does to a neutral scene.
So it's like almost our brain is in tune to their sex neurons or something that are reacting immediately.
That's what I found interesting.
Just that it, we are all visual.
We, we are.
And I, and to your point, which I do understand, like, shouldn't you be with your partner and thinking of your partner?
You know, you can, it's actually a problem to some degree because most people have fantasies of other things coming in, and you can't really control that.
And if you think, well, that's bad, I'm thinking about the soccer coach when I'm, you know, then actually what happens is you just kind of shut down everything.
So it really is, I tell patients, it's really okay to To occasionally use other people, other fantasies, in the service of your own sexual relationship.
So, you know, if she pops in there and you're like, ooh, I'm really getting hot, but I'm with my partner and I'm going to please my partner and I'm going to have a lot of pleasure too, then you really are connecting and having that intimate moment.
And I would also add that newness is so important, you know?
Yeah.
New love, dopamine surge.
New anything, dopamine surge.
And that's pleasurable.
But what's so hard about a long-term relationship is it stops being new, right?
You're like, okay, let's go.
Same position, same place, same...
And that's when sex lives die.
And when sex lives die, so does the marriage.
So you have to inject something new, a little switch it up, a new place, a new position...
But if it's the same person and it's porn, you have an expectation of that person that they might not be able to live up to based on the porn.
Very good point.
This can be a real downside.
So it's a double-edged sword because some people do become addicted to porn.
Most of us don't look like porn stars, first of all.
And you're right.
It can desensitize you, which is why something like real sex may be a better idea for some people than the super souped-up, plastic, nothing-but-crutch shots porn.
But sometimes, you know, it's just the idea of the fantasy.
Like, if you acknowledge this, I'm thinking of so-and-so, without the porn being involved, you can just come up with a fantasy.
Waitress, doctor, patient, that'd be terrible, but...
But that's a very simple way to kind of spice it up.
And again, it's really people who've been married 10 years or 12 years or 20 years.
You know, the newlyweds aren't writing me and saying, how can we spice it up?
Or they do, and then it's like, wow, you know, we dated for 15 years before we got married or something.
That's what it ends up being.
But it's really important.
That's the number one thing that people can do that's very simple, to kind of rev it up.
All right, we're just scratching the surface here, but we've got a lot more to discuss, so stay with us right after the break.
What's the most common question you get?
It's really the deficit of desire.
It's usually the man writing to say, I want more sex than my wife.
We've been married a little while.
And I do recently got a letter from a woman who said, I want more than my husband.
You weren't supposed to mention that.
I was going to say, actually, the reason you're getting so many more men is because it's Playboy magazine.
Sure, yeah.
And this group that I'm hearing a lot from are of the women who are not getting the sex.
About 30% of the letters, though, are from women.
They pick up the magazine from their husband.
So I really love that perspective.
And I actually got this letter, you know, a woman saying, and I was just kind of in disbelief.
I know you'll scold me for this, but I said in the magazine, I'm not sure I believe it.
Now, of course...
Wrong.
A lot of letters.
You'll be ready for Playboy soon, Gail.
Alright, Gail, you said marriage and sex are related.
And I know Lisa and I have many friends, and as soon as they stop having sex, within a couple years, they won't be together.
Why is that?
Why is that so important?
Why can't you just love someone and be around them and sit next to them and hold their hands?
I mean, why do you have to have sex for the marriage to last?
Well, I will tell you my opinion on that, because obviously I can only to some degree tell you opinion.
But I will say there are numerous studies that do show that if you have good sexual satisfaction, it correlates highly with marital satisfaction.
You know, look, sexuality is key core part of every human being.
It's very primitive.
It's very central to who we are, which is why so many women that I see that come in and say, you know, I'm depressed or my job life isn't working out or my relationship life isn't working out, we come to uncover that, in fact, they're really conflicted about their sexuality.
They're having some sort of sexual problem.
So...
I think it's a need.
It's a biologically, evolutionarily, it's a need.
And in order to have that intimate, really intimate connection, that incredible trust, and really have your needs met...
Right.
that individual starts to feel not good about themselves sexually.
They really lose confidence.
They really lose self-esteem.
They often struggle with depression.
And then they become a lousy marital partner.
So, you know, it's not being married is not having a roommate.
And what happens is often you have kids, and listen, I have three, and it's the greatest thing on the face of the earth, but babies are like the instant sex killer.
They're like contraception.
And the timing, I mean, I don't know how they know.
Normally they're asleep at 7 in the morning, but not today.
That's it.
And there's so many reasons for that.
And for women, it's especially that you have this little being hanging on all your body surfaces all day long.
And so a woman may get all her sort of touch needs met, you know, by an infant.
And so by the end of the day, she's like, you've got to be kidding me.
Don't not touch me.
You know, I am touched out.
So what happens to a lot of couples is they become roommates and co-parenters.
And this falls to the bottom of the list of priorities, and they wake up one day having not had sex for years and wonder why they don't care that much for each other.
Their intimacy isn't really there, and they don't even feel very confident or good about themselves, their bodies, and then at the end of the day they want out.
Yep.
Chip, it's been your experience too, I gather.
Yeah, I have three children under five.
Oh, jeez.
And there's some connection between sex and the babies.
Because it seems like I have sex with my wife and then there's something like ten months later.
So I'm working on that right now.
Glad you figured that out, Chip.
Yeah, I'm actually listening.
Can we talk later privately?
Because that's my life.
It is.
With three little kids, it's really difficult.
And I get letters like that.
And it's very funny because the guy will explain, you know, he'll not have enough sex.
And at the very end of the letter, P.S., we have five children under five.
Right, exactly.
And you want to say, you need to write me to ask that?
Letter up for air.
Yeah, that's right.
Chip, filming yourself.
Good, bad, healthy?
Do you ever recommend it?
I have never done it.
I thought you did everything.
Well, I don't want to see myself.
I'd rather watch the fantasy people.
They look a lot better.
Um...
You know, the problem that I... You see this a lot online now with people taking pictures of themselves and of their genitalia and putting it up, and I just don't see the appeal.
I wouldn't put it on the web.
I'm talking about for self-use.
If you're filming yourself, it may end up on the web.
That's always my fear.
I don't want that record out there and blackmail somebody blackmailing.
Then the seventh sex editor would come in.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, what do you think?
You know, I probably wouldn't recommend it for actually the reason you just said because it's a little dangerous and there could be serious and very ungood ramifications.
But I will tell you the motivation and that's why I never like to say never because it's not really dangerous.
And that's where I would certainly draw the line.
But everybody has exhibitionistic and voyeuristic impulses.
Again, that's a part of human nature.
Some people, it's much more intense than others.
And so for some people, the wish to look and be looked at is so stimulating that that would be a very big deal.
Now, I would say if that's the only way that you can be aroused, then you have a problem.
I mean, if the only way you can be aroused is to either, you know, through sadism, masochism, exhibitionism, voyeurism, or some object, you know, then we're talking about a perversion.
And it really limits, limits you sexually.
Is that how you define a perversion, where it becomes the only way you can get sexual fulfillment?
Correct.
If the only way you can be stimulated, I'll give you an example.
This was actually from my book, Anatomy of a Secret Life, is that T.E. Lawrence, Lawrence of Arabia, had a flagellation perversion.
He never had a partner.
The only way that he could be sexually stimulated and satisfied was to be beaten.
Is that wrong?
Is that wrong?
I would say that's mentally extremely unhealthy and it causes you great grief and unhappiness.
I mean, you're not having real intimacy.
You're having intimacy with an object and that's not real intimacy.
So, yeah, that's a perversion and that's something that is difficult to treat but needs to be treated.
So we're going to play a little game now.
I'm going to ask a question.
We'll get to the point counterpoint.
Chip, I'll start with you.
Male orgasm.
It's going to be topic number one.
Good topic.
Is there a way to prevent premature ejaculation?
Well, that's a very common question to the advisor, and we have a standard form letter that goes through.
Well, it mentions Helen Kaplan's book, which is a Kegel exercise.
It kind of goes through the basics, but it's really difficult.
In the advice I'm writing back, there's always at the end, it's like, you should see a doctor about this because it's really difficult to diagnose that based on the details they have in the letter.
Although I must say, if I had premature ejaculation, going to see a doctor about it would probably not be a likely event.
I get a lot of these emails.
You do?
A lot, a lot, sure.
Because it's a very, it's embarrassing.
It's the kind of thing you'd rather do by anonymous email than go in.
And usually a man pretty much knows, actually, when he does have premature ejaculation.
To define it, of course.
You know, really, it's lasting.
There's no number.
It's really lasting just a much shorter time than you would want to.
I mean, we're not talking about somebody who wants to last 20 minutes and, you know, can't.
But, you know, really where it's happening much quicker and engaging in an ability to really arouse your partner is really diminished.
And there are a number of things you can do.
And there are a number of things you can do.
The stop-start method is actually quite effective.
The stop-start method is actually quite effective.
And basically it's a technique that can be taught to you by a sex therapist or, you know, you could probably even get the book.
And basically, it's a technique that can be taught to you by a sex therapist or, you know, you could probably even get the book.
But it has to do with basically learning control.
But it has to do with basically learning control.
So it's about understanding that moment of inevitability.
Every man has a moment of inevitability.
So it sort of slows you in the process so that you can feel just before that time.
And your partner can help you with this by going very slowly, stopping at a certain point.
point.
There's something called the squeeze technique, or basically you squeeze the base of the organ before that moment of inevitability, which sort of decreases arousal.
Using a condom can be very helpful.
It actually minimizes the sensitivity.
And so some men actually find that if they use a condom, it really takes the edge off.
And there is, believe it or not, it was a side effect found from serotonin reuptake inhibitors, which are used as antidepressants, that it may delay ejaculation, which for some men's a real problem.
But upon discovering that, they've been working on a sort of a short-acting serotonin reuptake agent that can be taken prior to sex and delays the orgasm.
So the Viagra B. Anti-Viagra.
I should have been therapy for Levitra.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And by the way, let me say that premature ejaculation is often a result of being nervous about performance, about a lack of confidence.
So sometime, actually, you really need to go back and figure out what is causing it.
Some men just have it.
They are more sensitive.
Other men, in fact, are lacking confidence or something happened, like they started to lose their erection or something that made them nervous, and then they developed the PE. And if that's the case, then you really want to treat the root of that.
So believe it or not, I thought of that because you mentioned Viagra, using one of those kinds of medications for a little while so that you're sure and you have confidence, I'm going to have a good erection, can actually treat the PE. Although it's interesting that I get letters from guys because they lose their erection during sex when you say they're nervous.
An erection needs to be fed.
So if a guy pauses for other activity, it may go away, and sometimes that freaks him out because he has this idea that he should be erect the whole time.
And there was also a study, it's funny, you mentioned it's really hard to define what it is.
They did a study and found the average among all these guys was seven minutes.
And so they were defining it as anything below two minutes is a problem.
But even that's hard to say.
It's like you mentioned, and then the guy, that may not be the case.
It's got to be kind of consistent.
You maybe have a problem one time, but not the next time.
So you're really probably seeing people who've...
That's a great point.
If it's not consistently there, you can't jump at it.
The amount of time in between events will affect, for a lot of guys, how readily they can hold off.
Absolutely.
So these are all variables.
If you have three children under five, for instance, and you're having sex once a year...
Get his wife in here, please.
I think you're not qualifying to be the Playboy advisor these days.
Let me tell you, not right now.
Next question to you, for five points.
Is there such a thing as male multiple orgasms?
Well, I think there is.
And it's interesting to read the books.
There's all these books coming out about it, that men can do this.
And what I find interesting is they've found these guys...
For instance, Beverly Whipple over at Rutgers found guys who can orgasm in the lab 16 times.
So have no reflex.
Can we get one of those guys on the show, please?
I can't get the producers to call one of these guys.
I have two studies I've seen, and they think it's like a prolactin, something with that, where they don't have the chemical that stops us.
And so that may someday lead to a pill.
You know, the idea that a guy could pop a pill and then...
Oh, women will be so happy about that.
I was going to say, Gail's perked up.
Gail was slouching in her chair earlier.
I can't wait.
It's going to be great.
Actually, women will not be so happy about that.
In fact, that's what happened when Viagra came out.
There were a slew of women who were like, you're coming at me with what?
Because...
Put that down.
Yeah, yeah.
Not all women are going to be so happy about that.
Because, you know, a certain amount of time is good.
Forever and ever is, for a lot of women, not good.
A lot of people have sort of matching sexual dysfunctions where, you know, if it's not working that great for him, it's not working that great for her, that's great.
And then suddenly he's like, oh, I'm good to go forever.
And you know what?
She's not so happy.
I think we could all make adjustments.
Yes.
Oral sex.
Good, bad, important.
What if the desires don't match?
That's an easy one.
You know, it's good in the sense that it is another thing to do.
It's another way to be intimate.
For women, it is direct stimulation, and for the most part, women need more direct stimulation.
Only 20% of women can orgasm through intercourse because there's not enough direct clitoral stimulation, that is.
They can be wonderful in terms of that.
And I think, for the most part, most men and women really enjoy it.
And why not do things that your partner enjoys?
That being said, there are some people who are tremendously uncomfortable with it.
I think, you know, you can't force your partner, nor should you force your partner to do something that really is uncomfortable for them.
This is where you have to make compromises.
This is where, you know, maybe...
Doing it this way but not this way is okay.
There are some women who are so uncomfortable with their own genital that they put themselves in their husband's position and they can't imagine why the heck he would want to do this.
It is so disconcerting to them.
That's when you would try to work on their comfort.
Chip, what do you think?
Well, I get this letter once in a while from a guy who wants to know his wife won't let him perform it on her.
And because she's exactly what you say, she's uncomfortable with it.
When I get a letter from a guy saying she won't perform it on me, that's really sad in a way.
I don't think most men can imagine going through their life without it.
Never having it.
And it seems much more important to men.
Because sometimes actually it's something quite specific.
And maybe, you know, I won't go into too much detail, but to say, you know, maybe it's a specific technique or it's a specific, you know, exactly how it all finishes out, shall we say.
And a compromise can be made there.
Like, I'm comfortable doing this, but...
But I'm not comfortable with that part.
But instead, what happens is everybody gets so uncomfortable around that she's just like, the door's closed, and he's angry.
It's too bad because men, I think, really enjoy doing it because of the response they get.
Sure.
And it's very arousing to listen.
Sure.
Well, on this arousing commentary, we're going to stop for just a second, let people get some more coffee and tea.
We have a lot more to talk about, but first, let's take a quick break.
All right, here's the big question.
Chip, you start with this one.
How can a man tell when a woman reaches orgasm?
And all of us saw the classic scene with Billy Crystal.
Right.
Where he assumes that all along the sex has been great.
Right.
And he is convinced in the middle of a crowded restaurant that it may not be the case.
Right.
I think that the advice I give on that is the breathing is something to watch.
Because there are things that are hard to fake.
And again, they've done a brain study where they had women fake one and then have the real one to show which parts of her brain lit up.
That's not something a guy can use.
But, you know, I always listen to my wife's breathing.
And then I, you know, get up and accuse her and then it kind of goes from there.
It doesn't go very well.
But I think, you know, I think most guys, it depends on what you're doing.
I think if you're having oral sex and she's telling you what feels good and what doesn't.
There should be communication going on.
So the idea of a woman faking it to kind of get it over with tells me that they're not discussing as they're having sex what turns them on.
She wants it over.
There's something, a bigger problem there.
Both of you have talked about speaking about what feels good.
But doesn't that sort of cut the mood?
Don't many people have an expectation that their partner should already know how to do it?
Oh, sure they do.
And that's, you know, if you just describe, like, one of the tricks to kind of rev things up is you describe out loud what your partner's doing to you.
You know, what feels good, and it's a way to learn what feels good, but it also gets kind of hot, because you can just use very plain terms.
You don't have to be an erotica writer, and just the idea that it's being voiced, that you're kind of Thinking about what you're doing, and we talked about that earlier, your mind's not drifting off to baseball or whatever because you're describing back and forth, I'm going to do this, I'm doing this, that kind of thing.
But the idea, I get letters from women who think that the men are faking, which is always confusing to me, but I guess if you're You don't see the evidence.
The guy's like, oh, we're done.
We've got to go to the bathroom.
No evidence.
Yeah, there's no evidence.
But it always struck me as odd that a woman would not know.
But I've gotten letters from men who have faked it as well, said I fake it.
Yeah.
Do women fake orgasms a lot?
Too much.
Yes, too much.
And that is usually because there is some difficulty with, you know, in the relationship.
There's, you know, actually the person themselves is either inhibited and can't talk about any and has no idea actually really what works for her.
But she feels that she doesn't want to disappoint him and she doesn't want it to go on forever.
So for a lot of women, it's a way of controlling the situation.
I will define when it happens, what happens, and when it's over.
And it's a way, and frankly, it is a way of withholding to some degree from the partner.
Look, passive-aggressive things go on in relationships, and this may be one of them.
First of all, I would say, how can you tell?
You can't.
I wish that you could, but unless you've got the MRI scanner on during sex, you're probably not...
Breathing can be faked, looking all riled up, sweating, moving around, thrashing, screaming.
A woman can do Kegels and...
You know, and pretty reliably pull one over in terms of the contractions that you would be feeling.
I was going to say, the contractions would be tough.
Now, I'm afraid there's just no surefire way of knowing.
This is shaking up my whole world.
Sorry to say that.
But, you know, what I try to say to women is, you know, you are only doing yourself a disservice.
Because once you've entered a relationship and you've faked it, you have completely bypassed the ability to say...
You know what?
That didn't work for me.
A little, a little right.
I'm sorry.
Faster.
Today I need...
You've just...
You know, you get yourself locked in.
And boy, it is hard to backtrack.
You know, once you've started baking, it's like confessing a lie.
I mean, it's really hard to do.
So you've erected a wall.
You know, you created a distance.
You robbed your partner of...
You robbed yourself.
And it's very hard to undo.
So I just...
I try to say, like, think about it.
Don't just think in the moment, well, this is going to work for me right now.
But try to think about why do you need to fake it?
You know, why can't you even in a non-bedroom moment?
And I would say non-bedroom moments are the best time to talk about.
Is that right?
Yes, because the pressure isn't on.
It's not like, you know, OK, we're talking about it right now.
You did it right.
You did it wrong.
You know, on the sofa.
You know, the TV's on.
Sitting up on the sofa.
Yes, sitting up.
Exactly.
Sitting up on the sofa at the kitchen table, say, you know, I just kind of want to talk about this.
Yeah, but then you start talking.
You get kind of hot.
Listen, if you get hot, I'm not saying you're not allowed to go anywhere from there.
Especially host a show on the couch.
On the couch.
There you go.
There you go.
But, you know, it just...
You really need to take the pressure off.
It's the...
You know, if you're going to say, well...
I'm completely on the up and up about my orgasms and I'd really like more of this.
You know, doing that in bed is just going to, you know, our sexual organs are so sensitive to what's going on in our brains that at that moment of maybe feeling a little rejected, a little crestfallen, a little embarrassed, whatever may be going on, it can put the kibosh, which is not a problem.
If you're sitting up on the sofa or you're sitting at the kitchen table and you have time to recoup.
That's a good point.
But it is a problem if you're suddenly going to lose your erection or you're suddenly going to feel...
You know, so uncomfortable you don't want him touching you because that can cascade a whole series of, now I don't want to get in bed again.
This is just all embarrassing and I'm out of here.
So what's the most valuable advice a woman can give to a guy who wants to please her but never got the lessons along the life line, the path?
I would say, you know, ask me.
I will show you.
And if he's not comfortable verbally, I mean, you know, there's plenty of nonverbal language to show a person what works.
But to say, you know, let's really be honest with each other.
Let's, you know, I don't know for sure what works for you.
And you can't know for sure.
See, a lot of men feel they're supposed to know or they're just not agreeable.
I'm a good lover.
And that's absurd because every person is different.
And sometimes it's evolving.
So what felt good to you in your 20s may be different in your 30s.
And post-menopausal may be different again.
So, you know, to say, like, I'm an ever-changing process and I really want to keep talking about it and trying new things and, you know, so that you don't set up a situation where he feels this great expectation and you do, too.
That's the difference between the kind of good lover and the great lover is asking questions.
That's my question for you.
What defines that?
Yeah, it's really the guy who knows better, that you're not just going to get this wisdom from the air, but you have to ask each woman, too.
Every woman's different.
You've got to expect that.
You need to just say to her, what feels good?
What do you like?
And I think that's what makes the guy...
A much better lover than the ones who just go in and say, well, she'll love this because this last move worked on my last girlfriend.
Do you have to have an interview before?
Yeah, you have an interview.
That could be a fantasy.
Is it actually an interview, too?
And take your time.
Sure.
I think, you know, women, it takes them longer to have an orgasm.
They need more time for arousal.
That's just a biological fact.
You know, it's sort of like, you know, men are a microwave and women are a crockpot.
And, you know, if a...
If they don't both understand that, then there's going to be fallout.
It has to be okay to take a while because otherwise the woman feels, and I've heard millions of women say this, oh my God, he must be getting bored.
I have to hurry up.
I have to hurry up.
And the more that she thinks, I have to hurry up.
She's going to end up faking it because that's what happens.
She feels like Wyatt's not having fast enough and he must be like, hello, I'm looking at my watch, what's going on?
He's not saying that.
He's saying, oh my God, I'm having sex.
This is incredible.
I can't believe it.
She's totally hot.
She's having a great orgasm.
Do people think that they're bad in bed?
All of us in this room would say, yeah, we're great in bed.
Are there people who actually think they're lousy?
Lots of people think lots of people have insecurities because, look, you look at all the sexualization in the media and you think, that's what I'm supposed to be, right?
I'm supposed to look this certain way.
It's supposed to be this effortless sort of Vaseline lens where we're moving around and it's so every limb is in the right place and that's not what sex is.
It's like, you know, I'm working hard, I'm sweating, you know.
It's messy.
It's messy.
And if you can't, you know, so a lot of people, yes, think, you know, ooh, I don't look right or I'm not doing it right.
But it keeps them out of the bedroom.
You know, that's the thing that keeps them going to start it out.
G-spot.
Does it exist?
Oh, I love the G-spot.
Is it real?
I think it is.
Sure.
They're finding it scientifically.
I know the scientific data.
There's a plexus of nerves that actually meet just behind the vaginal wall.
And it's about two inches above where you'd enter.
But I'm not sure that it actually provides a kind of satisfaction to women.
No, I think what they're finding is that some women are very sensitive, as every woman's different, and some are less sensitive.
What I found really fascinating was the Australian study that found that clitoris goes five or six inches into the body, and that may well be...
That's in Australia.
Yeah, only in Australia, which I'm leaving for tomorrow.
But that may be...
The G-spot may actually be part of the clitoral.
It all may be hooked together, which makes sense.
Yeah, I actually thought...
And I have to check this, that it's in part related to the nerve structures that integrate the prostate.
I know anatomically it's not quite what you think it would be, but it seems that's what's happened.
Sure.
That it's migrated up.
It's all the same tissue.
It all comes from the same tissue.
Gail, yes or no?
G-spot.
You know, my feeling is it's been overrated in the sense that there are many erogenous zones.
And there's just tremendous variation in what's erogenous for a man or a woman, for that matter.
And so I just feel like, to some degree, this whole G-spot thing, it's put a lot of pressure on women to fight.
Find their G-spot.
He's got to find their G-spot.
And, you know, I mean, the bottom line is for most women, the clitoris is the most highly innervated, most needing of stimulation in order to have orgasm.
But, you know, so Freud kind of did a disservice to women with the whole, you know, are you having the immature clitoral orgasm or the mature vaginal orgasm?
And, you know, that did not help women.
So I have no problem.
Where do you get that idea from?
He didn't talk to his woman in bed, that's all I can say.
I mean, he was a very, look, he was brilliant, but he was very self-focused.
And he said, the woman is the dark continent.
He admitted he didn't really understand women's sexuality so well.
So, at any rate...
The point is, there are many erogenous zones.
Use what works for you.
Don't have to get so carried away with, you know, am I a woman and am I having an ejaculation?
Because they now say women can.
Or, you know, did I find my G-spot?
Because, again, you know, women need to not have anxiety.
To be aroused and have an orgasm and to not be in conflict and to not feel fearful.
There are certain, you know, things that are necessary emotionally for a woman to be able to move toward orgasm.
So if this is enjoyable for you, hurrah!
And if it's not, who cares?
as long as there is something that's enjoyable for you.
Yeah, you really have to have that attitude about it.
Because the G-spot, it does, there is all this emphasis on it.
And we get letters from there from women who, I can't find it.
Yeah, they're upset about it.
What do we do?
It reinforces some idea for them.
And of course, they're the ones that are probably most likely to ask you that question.
That there's something wrong with their genital.
That they're damaged in some way or they're not working in some way.
Which is, by the way, another common theme that I hear.
Comes out of some childhood things of, you know, to some degree.
Their Freud was a little bit right, you know, with what happened to my penis.
I don't have anything on the outside.
Believe it or not...
Women really think that?
Some women really do hold on to that.
It may be conscious, it may be more unconscious, but it usually presents in the form of, am I damaged in some way?
Does my genital not work so well?
And it's reinforced by the fact that men have something to look at.
They pretty much know how it works.
It's pretty clear-cut.
And women, let's face it, it's a little murkier.
It's a little like, where exactly is everything?
It's a little hard spot.
I mean, that's why, to some degree, women often need to take a look.
And know what works for them before they can tell their partner.
Gil Saltz, it's a great pleasure having you on.
Pleasure to be here.
We'll see you much more again.
Your book's Anatomy of a Secret Life and Changing You, as well as all the programming you do.
Everyone stay tuned.
Chip Rowe, Playboy Advisor, Senior Editor at Playboy Magazine.
