How do you win at life? How do you navigate modern dating? These are big questions worth addressing. Earlier this week on X, I made this point: “A married person simply should not have an opposite sex friend who is not also a friend of their spouse. And even then, there's no scenario where the spouse and the friend should be hanging out alone. These are the most basic boundaries. If you aren't prepared to put them in place, and respect them, you shouldn't get married.” That’s obviously true, though not everyone agrees…
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So we're going to spend time on the show talking about the things that matter in life, as I so often do, marriage, children, relationships.
And that's going to be a special focus of the show this year.
Earlier this week on X, we were talking about some of this and I made this point.
I said, a married person simply should not have an opposite sex friend who is not also a friend of their spouse.
And even then, there's no scenario where the spouse and the friend should be hanging out alone.
These are the most basic boundaries.
If you aren't prepared to put them in place and respect them, you shouldn't get married.
That's obviously true.
I've also said that kind of thing many times.
Plenty of people did not agree.
There are a lot of comments, a lot of people responding to it.
So we're going to go through and read some of them now.
In fact, I'm going to read a few responses, a few comments, and then I'll offer a general response to all of them together.
So Riel Klopek writes, to prove Matt's point in just about every example of this, the spouse finds this friend physically attractive, and that is not a coincidence.
Show me an example of a married guy who has a cross-eyed female friend who weighs 300 pounds and vice versa.
Christina writes, Matt doesn't trust himself to be alone with any of his female coworkers, or does he not hire women?
Either way, he needs to learn to grow up and not oggle other women.
Climate Warrior 7 says, what are you supposed to do with your opposite-sex friends when you get married?
Dump them?
Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, but we'll get back to that.
Timothy Gordon says, this is a good post, but having female coworkers is as bad or worse than having voluntary female friends.
Both situations are terrible.
Arguably, the workplace is worse because you're a captive team member forced by equality in the workplace to spend 40 hours weekly on a project with some broad, not your wife.
Paul Bullard says the more likely someone is to cheat, the more vehemently they'll disagree with this.
There's emotional cheating too, which impacts intimacy, respect, honor, and relational experiences.
And the notorious Keysate KCK strongly disagrees with me says this is both.
I have female friends that I've known since long before I met my wife and will still have lunch with them occasionally.
My wife doesn't care because there's trust.
Same applies to her and her male friends.
Matt is clearly insecure.
And there are many more comments along those lines.
Some in agreement, some in disagreement.
And here's what I'll say to all of them.
That yes, you should not have opposite sex friends if you are married.
That should not exist.
Now, it's one thing, as I think I acknowledge, if you're friends with a couple, if you as a couple are friends with another couple, and so then in that sense, you're friends with the opposite-sex member of the couple as well, then that's fine.
And that's what, so when people say, oh, I've had these opposite-sex friends since before I got married and now I'm married, am I supposed to just dump them?
Well, yeah, actually, see, when you get married and you grow up, you're going to end up, you're going to end up drifting apart from a lot of your friends, and especially if you have any opposite sex friends.
That's the way that's going to go.
But if you want to keep being friends with them, well, now you are, you know, you have dinner, like you have another couple and you have dinner with them.
You invite them over to your house as a couple and you sit and you drink wine and you eat dinner.
Like that's grow up, okay?
You're an adult now.
I mean, so now those relationships are supposed to mature.
And so you can be friends in that sense, but you should not be friends individually with a member of the opposite sex.
And like this guy who says that, well, he has friends.
He goes out on lunch dates with women.
That's crazy.
That is a crazy thing to do if you're married and to let your wife do it.
So you're telling me, who is this, the notorious KCK?
You're telling me your wife sometimes goes and hangs out with her male friends without you.
You're telling me you're okay if your wife says, hey, I'm going to go grab lunch with, you know, Jake.
Okay, have fun.
Have fun, you two.
And you're okay.
What are you some kind of, you're a cuckold.
That's, that is pure cuckold behavior.
That's what that is.
And you should be embarrassed.
Okay, you should be humiliated.
And she's probably like, there's a high chance that she's cheating on you.
There's a high chance that's already happening.
So you can say, all you want, I trust you.
I don't worry.
I trust you.
Here's the thing, you moron.
If your wife wants to have one-on-one time with another man in the first place, if she wants to have that companionship with a man in the first place, you're already screwed.
Or she is in this case.
That's already happening.
And as a man, why do you want, say, the thing with some of these comments from men say, oh, I have all these female friends.
What am I supposed to do?
First of all, why do you have so many female friends as a man?
Like, why do you want platonic companionship with a bunch of women?
That's either you having inappropriate levels of intimacy with other women or you're gay.
That's the other thing.
It could be that you're gay.
A married man who wants to hang out with a woman who's not his wife is either on his way to an affair or having an affair or is gay.
Like those are your options.
You're married.
You already have a wife.
I mean, you're around a woman all the time.
You have a companionship with a female every day.
So if you want to go out and have friendships, have a fraternal bond, have like male friendships, that's very healthy.
You should have that.
But going out and seeking more female companionship as a married grown man when you already have a wife tells me you're either having an affair or you're going to have one or you're feminine.
So here's the problem.
What is a friendship?
What is a friend?
What is a friend?
Well, a friend is someone with whom you have mutual affection and some level of emotional intimacy.
That's what a friend is.
That's what a friendship is.
If you don't have that with someone, then they're not your friend.
Now, granted, among men, we would never put it like that.
I feel even kind of weird saying it, but if, because like if a friend of mine says, you know, I love this emotional intimacy we have.
I love this shared mutual affection.
If I'm going to a cigar bar having a cigar with a guy and he were to say that, I really, you know, I really appreciate this emotional intimacy.
I really appreciate our mutual affection.
Well, I'm never, I'm never going to talk to you again.
This is, we can't, I like, I do, I can't be around you now.
But, but even so, that's what a friendship is.
If we define intimacy in this case as, you know, not a physical or sexual thing, but as a sense of closeness, you know, basically familiarity, closeness, then that's what friendship is, right?
So if your wife has a male friend, well, that is someone that she has emotional intimacy with.
That's just what it means.
And if she doesn't, then that's not a friend.
That's just an acquaintance.
Like no one is saying that you can't have acquaintances that are of the opposite sex.
You could even have friendly acquaintances.
Some of this is maybe a misunderstanding of what a friend is.
Right?
But you could be friendly with someone.
You could be cordial with them.
You can work with them in that capacity, a friendly and cordial way.
You can make pleasant small talk when you see them and that sort of thing.
That's an acquaintance.
That's not a friend.
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A friend is someone that there's an emotional intimacy with.
There's a closeness, a familiarity, a bond with.
Like somebody that you would sit down and have a meal with.
Someone who you call and you talk on the phone.
And so if you're what, you know, if you're married and you have a wife and your wife has an actual friend, a male friend, then that is by definition someone that she has emotional intimacy with.
It's a man for whom she has affection.
That's what it means.
Now, that doesn't have to translate into anything sexual necessarily.
If you're a straight person, it doesn't mean you have, if you're a straight person, you have friends of the same sex.
There's nothing sexual or romantic there.
So the closeness, the affection doesn't have to translate into that, but that's the rub here.
If you're a straight person, that means that you do experience sexual attraction to members of the opposite sex.
So if your wife has a male friend, and hopefully your wife is heterosexual, if she has a male friend, well, she already has emotional intimacy.
Avoid Compromising Positions00:08:02
Then what if she also happens to develop physical attraction?
I mean, you can't help that, right?
Like if you find someone attractive, you find them attractive.
That's an observation.
That's just a kind of an objective observation that that person's physically attractive or they're not.
But when you have opposite sex friendships, there's automatically emotional intimacy because that's what comes with the friendship.
And there's a high likelihood of physical attraction.
And especially for women, because the other thing, for women, men are much more visual than women.
With women, as the emotional intimacy grows, physical attraction also grows.
Their physical attraction is dependent on the emotional intimacy.
So the longer that they're friends with another man, the more likely it is that they're going to find that man physically attractive.
And then one day, what do you end up with?
Well, you end up with, my wife has a friend who she's emotionally intimate with and finds physically attractive.
Okay, now you're in the danger zone.
Now you're in the danger zone.
Now you're in the zone where nothing good can possibly happen.
Now you're in the zone where everything can be destroyed.
Was it worth it?
Is it worth it?
Is it worth it to even get anywhere near this zone?
And that's why when people, and I talk about this and we've heard in some of the comments that, oh, well, what are you saying?
You don't have self-control, but you got to have self-control.
No, listen, you morons, okay?
When I say morons, I don't mean everyone watching right now.
I just mean the people that disagree.
They're morons.
Self-control should not even factor into it.
Okay.
You shouldn't put yourself in a position where the thing that is stopping you from having an affair is your self-control.
That shouldn't even factor in.
If you're in a position where the thing preventing you from having an affair is your self-control, there's already a problem.
Like it shouldn't even factor.
It's like if someone asked me, why have you never murdered anybody, Matt?
Why have you never killed anybody?
I would not say, well, it's because I have self-control.
Like I do have self-control, but that's not why I've never murdered someone.
I've never murdered, I've never even got, I have never gotten to the point where my self-control against murder needs to be activated.
I've never been in the situation where there's a temptation to commit murder.
If I said that self-control is what stopped me from killing someone, it means that I was in a situation where I was really tempted to commit murder and I had the opportunity to do it and I had the knife in my hand and I had to like, I shouldn't do it.
I shouldn't do it.
Right.
It means I'm holding the gun and I have the opportunity and I really want to kill someone and the thing that it's like, I got, I have to have self-control.
I have to have self-control.
Well, that's a bad sign.
There's already a problem.
The thing that's stopping you from kills, killing someone should be that like there's never, you don't want to at all and there's no occasion and it's just never been, you've never come anywhere close to that where that's even been a factor.
And the same thing goes for an affair.
Right?
Why have I never cheated on my wife?
Well, I do have self-control, but that's not even the primary reason.
If I said, well, the thing stopping me from cheating on my wife is self-control.
Well, what that signals is that I'm constantly in situations where the temptation and opportunity are there and it's my heroic self-control that stops it.
That's bad.
That means I am putting myself in these kinds of positions.
And guess what?
If you're constantly putting yourself in those positions, your self-control, that final damn is not going to hold for everyone forever.
If your self-control is activated, it should be self-control and not even putting yourself in the position where that's a possibility.
Okay, you could be married for 15 years as I have.
And it's like, I've never even been tempted to have an affair.
It's like, it's never even, I've never experienced the temptation to have an affair.
It's never even been in the realm of possibility.
It is as thinkable to me as committing murder.
And that's not me, you know, being self-aggrandizing at all.
I'm saying that this is just, it's very possible to have a marriage like that.
It just requires boundaries, respect for those boundaries, and not putting yourself in compromising positions.
And you can easily do that.
You can very easily do it.
And it's the same thing for your spouse.
I mean, how would you feel?
Like, really think about this.
I mean, I'm harping on the point, but if your wife was going to hang out, if you're a man and your wife was going to hang out with a male friend and you said to her, hey, you express some concern about there being something else going on and she were to say, oh, no, I would never do that.
I have self-control.
What is she telling you, genius?
What is she telling you?
She's telling you she's greatly tempted to do it, but it's her self-control that's stopping it.
And again, the problem is that if you're putting yourself in those positions, you've already signaled that you don't have self-control.
Like if actual temptation to commit adultery is here, your self-control needs to be all the way over here.
Self-control comes into play way before you even get to the temptation.
The self-control is what stops you from ever getting there.
And what does that mean?
It's actually really simple.
It's actually really simple.
Put up boundaries.
You don't have friends of the opposite sex.
You don't hang out with them.
You don't form really any kinds of real bonds with them at all.
Not hard to do.
Not hard to do at all.
And at the same time, you keep your marriage alive.
You tend to your marriage and to your spouse.
So you do those two things and the risk isn't there.
You start messing around with this, surrounding yourself with friends of the opposite sex and all these kinds of things, relying on your Herculean self-control to save you.
You start doing that, but you're setting yourself up for failure.
Guess what?
Every single person who's ever had an affair, every single one of them, always told themselves it would never be them.
Every single one always say, I got self-control.
I would never do it.
And then it happens.
It's happened millions of times.
And having respect for that and acknowledging that does not mean that you don't have self-control.
It actually means that you have an understanding of human nature.
That's what that means, a basic understanding of human nature.
So that is why if you have opposite sex friends and you're married, should you dump them all?
Yeah.
You don't even need to dump them.
Just stop talking to them, which is really easy to do most of the time and move on with your life.