The Matt Walsh Show - Who's The Biggest A-Hole? Episode 8
Aired: 2023-03-13
Duration: 03:58


=== Lunch Theft Incident (03:05) ===

[00:00:00]  [MUSIC]
[00:00:10]  I work a pretty standard day job and at night I help my friend at her restaurant,
[00:00:17]  which serves an assortment of Thai cuisine.
[00:00:20]  To be honest, I'm insanely picky, but I fell in love with this peanut sauce, so about once a week I take it on either noodles or stir-fry to my day job for lunch.
[00:00:28]  Thursday, I took my noodles and my entire Tupperware was missing.
[00:00:31]  Today, my boss confronted me and accused me of poisoning my noodles because his daughter, one of the new girls, borrowed my lunch and had to be hospitalized.
[00:00:38]  Turns out she is severely allergic to nuts.
[00:00:41]  And she ate some and boom, she went into anaphylactic shock and had to be hospitalized.
[00:00:45]  Now her dad is trying to hold me accountable for her bills and condition.
[00:00:49]  So am I the asshole?
[00:00:49]  Well...
[00:00:51]  Obviously, your co-worker and boss are a-holes here.
[00:00:54]  Is that a thing people actually do?
[00:00:56]  And I hear about this complaint a lot.
[00:00:58]  Like, this is apparently a, it's a, it's a thing.
[00:01:00]  You bring your food in and someone steals it.
[00:01:03]  I can't even... My God, what have we become?
[00:01:06]  Steal someone's lunch from the fridge?
[00:01:08]  That's sociopath behavior.
[00:01:10]  If someone did that to me, I'd probably, I'd like burn down their house.
[00:01:13]  Burn it down!
[00:01:14]  And then to do that when you have a food allergy.
[00:01:17]  is just another level of stupid.
[00:01:19]  Which is why, like, this is a good lesson here, if you're an adult
[00:01:22]  "I'm listening."
[00:01:24]  with fruit allergies.
[00:01:25]  That is not something you can impose on other people.
[00:01:28]  I'm sorry you have that problem, and it can be a serious problem, but it is yours.
[00:01:32]  Younger kids are different.
[00:01:33]  But with adults, we have this thing with food allergies now, where it's like, I'm allergic to peanuts, and so any room I walk into, there should be no peanuts anywhere.
[00:01:41]  I should have a 50-mile radius, peanut-free.
[00:01:44]  Doesn't work that way.
[00:01:45]  You have to figure out, like, so many other problems we can have in life.
[00:01:48]  Even when they're legitimate problems.
[00:01:50]  You have to figure out how to navigate life with that problem.
[00:01:53]  That's on you.
[00:01:53]  All that said, the person who wrote this is also, I think, in another way, the a-hole as well.
[00:02:02]  What a twist!
[00:02:03]  Of course, you never steal your co-worker's lunch out of the fridge.
[00:02:06]  But also, you never bring a lunch that has a pungent odor to it.
[00:02:13]  If I'm walking in the break room, why should I have to smell your disgusting peanut sauce?
[00:02:18]  So, another situation where everybody involved is the A-hole.
[00:02:21]  [Intro]
[00:02:28]  I am married to my husband and we have two kids.
[00:02:30]  We are vegans.
[00:02:31]  I am, for ethical reasons, my husband is allergic to dairy and so is my three-year-old.
[00:02:35]  Okay, I'm gonna cut it off right there.
[00:02:36]  You are the a**hole.
[00:02:36]  I don't even need to know the entire story.
[00:02:39]  Vegans on Thanksgiving are always the a**holes.
[00:02:43]  Same with every other time of year, in fact.
[00:02:45]  And I don't want to hear about ethical reasons.
[00:02:48]  See, you won't eat dairy because of eth- You don't think we should get milk from cows?

=== What To Do With Cows? (01:07) ===

[00:02:54]  Why?
[00:02:55]  What else should we do with the cow's milk?
[00:02:59]  The cows exist.
[00:02:59]  What are we going to do with the cows, first of all?
[00:03:01]  Like, do you want us to just release them into the wild?
[00:03:04]  What?
[00:03:05]  All of these cows?
[00:03:06]  I mean, I know you could say it's unethical that we have all the dairy farms and everything.
[00:03:09]  It's so terrible that we've enslaved all these cows.
[00:03:12]  What do you want us to do with them?
[00:03:13]  Just release them into the Serengeti?
[00:03:16]  I mean, bring them down to the Amazon?
[00:03:17]  Just, like, release them into the neighborhoods?
[00:03:20]  Kill them all?
[00:03:21]  Dump them into the ocean?
[00:03:22]  Like, we have them.
[00:03:23]  They need to be milked.
[00:03:25]  And then, what do you do with the milk?
[00:03:27]  You might as well drink it.
[00:03:28]  Why not drink it?
[00:03:28]  Why not make cheese out of it?
[00:03:29]  And also, what about the lives of the plants that you're eating?
[00:03:33]  The lettuce that you're eating is a living thing, vegans.
[00:03:36]  It has hopes and dreams and ambitions and feelings.
[00:03:41]  And you ruthlessly chop it up and stick a fork in it and chomp on it while it screams silently in pain, which you ignore those screams.
[00:03:49]  Take a head of iceberg lettuce, make sure the core is pointing down, and slam it.
[00:03:53]  So don't come to me talking about ethical concerns.
[00:03:57]  Especially on Thanksgiving.