The Matt Walsh Show - Matt Walsh Reviews Adorable Dog Videos
Aired: 2021-06-24
Duration: 10:52


=== Why We Project Human Emotions Onto Animals (07:19) ===

[00:00:00]  Today we go back to my favorite place on the internet, TikTok.
[00:00:03]  And I say that both ironically and also sort of not ironically.
[00:00:07]  It's kind of confusing.
[00:00:08]  And I have a feeling we're about to be a lot more confused because today we will be watching and reviewing some crazy dog owner videos on TikTok.
[00:00:17]  There are a lot of these.
[00:00:18]  They're apparently no surprise.
[00:00:21]  And I'm a well-known dog loather, not lover, but loather.
[00:00:25]  Nothing against dogs, personally.
[00:00:27]  I just I find them irritating and useless and disgusting.
[00:00:30]  What are you doing?
[00:00:31]  That's how I roll.
[00:00:36]  I don't blame them for that.
[00:00:37]  There's nothing personal against their animals.
[00:00:39]  They can't help affect their hairy, mangy, useless beasts.
[00:00:43]  I blame instead the dog owners and also America's obsession With dogs.
[00:00:49]  Which has become, I think, a sort of mental illness in this country.
[00:00:54]  No offense to any dog owners out there.
[00:00:56]  So, we'll go through and we'll see how bad these get.
[00:00:58]  Let's start here.
[00:01:03]  We've been seeing these tiny little glasses all over TikTok so I knew I had to get Becky a pair.
[00:01:08]  These frames are from the Pawag company and they're $12.99.
[00:01:12]  I got him two frames, one in a size small and one in a size medium to see which ones would fit him better.
[00:01:16]  These ones are the size small, it's the round glasses in black.
[00:01:20]  I think they're so stinking cute on him!
[00:01:22]  It also comes with a connector that helps the glasses stay on his face.
[00:01:27]  I personally like the size small frames better on him, but we're going to try on the medium ones next.
[00:01:31]  These ones are the round glasses in gold and the size medium.
[00:01:35]  These are definitely still cute, especially if you're going for a more hipster oversized look.
[00:01:39]  These are Ducky approved and we give these a 10 out of 10 and we can't wait to get more.
[00:01:45]  So does the dog need glasses?
[00:01:47]  Did you take him to lens crafters and he got an eye exam?
[00:01:50]  No, probably not.
[00:01:51]  Because he has no vision problem at all, I assume, right?
[00:01:55]  He's not visually disabled.
[00:01:57]  You're forcing him to live like that.
[00:01:59]  You're forcing a trans-abled identity on this poor dog because you think glasses are cute.
[00:02:06]  As a visually impaired American myself, you see these glasses?
[00:02:09]  This is not for show.
[00:02:10]  I need these.
[00:02:11]  I have special eyes.
[00:02:13]  I just want to say, my culture is not a damned costume for a dog, you bigot.
[00:02:20]  Also, now that poor dog has to run around with this thing attached to his face, which serves no medical purpose at all.
[00:02:28]  And come to think of it, we could probably all relate.
[00:02:31]  Let's keep going.
[00:02:36]  ♪ We like to party ♪ (dog whining)
[00:02:56]  That, what?
[00:02:58]  Was that the dog, was that the noise coming from a dog?
[00:03:01]  (dog whining)
[00:03:02]  This is sickening to me.
[00:03:03]  You know, there's a book that came out recently, it's a good book, called The Decadent Society, and I think that these videos are all the proof you need that we live in a decadence.
[00:03:13]  A tie?
[00:03:14]  What is he going for, a job interview at PetSmart?
[00:03:17]  Welcome to Costco.
[00:03:19]  I love you.
[00:03:19]  What does a dog need a tie for?
[00:03:21]  And just because he's putting his paw on something, that doesn't mean that he's choosing to wear it, okay?
[00:03:28]  The dog is a dog.
[00:03:28]  He's just randomly putting his paw on something.
[00:03:32]  This is something we always do.
[00:03:33]  We ascribe human intentions to animals.
[00:03:37]  It's one of the reasons why people always say, oh, look at the dolphin in the ocean jumping around.
[00:03:42]  He's so happy.
[00:03:43]  Look, he's smiling.
[00:03:44]  No, his mouth is just like that.
[00:03:46]  He can't help it.
[00:03:47]  Or you see a video of, like, a lion cuddling a tortoise, and everyone says, isn't that so nice?
[00:03:54]  They're friends.
[00:03:55]  No, as soon as the video cut off, he ripped that tortoise's head off.
[00:04:00]  Your dog is fine.
[00:04:02]  All your dog... He's a dog.
[00:04:03]  He wants to run around in the fur God gave him.
[00:04:05]  That's what your dog wants to do.
[00:04:07]  You hear me, you wacko pet owners?
[00:04:09]  That's all he wants.
[00:04:11]  The animals just want to be animals, and they want to live like animals, because they're animals.
[00:04:16]  He doesn't want to be your baby doll.
[00:04:18]  I don't even like animals, and I'm the one sticking up for their rights here.
[00:04:22]  These people are going to turn me into a PETA activist before too long.
[00:04:27]  I think it gets even worse.
[00:04:27]  Let's let's keep watching That that to me is creepy
[00:04:52]  That freaks me out.
[00:04:53]  I actually find, I'm not even kidding, I find this deeply, on a real visceral level, I find that very disturbing, that whole scene.
[00:05:00]  Because you see the look on the dog's face.
[00:05:01]  I know I just said we can't ascribe human emotions and intentions to animals, but there, I think, there are times, and you can just tell, and the look on the dog's face was a look of saying, help me.
[00:05:11]  He's pleading with the camera, pleading with the public, come and rescue me from this serial killer I'm living with.
[00:05:21]  Because you know the dog didn't shoot... Dogs don't lie down like that.
[00:05:24]  That's not how a dog would... She forced that dog to lay there.
[00:05:27]  You know how many takes it probably took?
[00:05:30]  She's got her belt out, whipping the dog.
[00:05:33]  Get in the bed!
[00:05:34]  And be cute!
[00:05:35]  Damn it!
[00:05:36]  That's what happened.
[00:05:36]  You don't see that part on camera.
[00:05:37]  Listen, man, if you're dating a woman and she has a little dog, like, in fact, if she has a little dog at all, that's a good reason to run away.
[00:05:44]  But especially if she has a literal bed with a nightstand and a lamp that, by the way, the dog can't turn that lamp on and off.
[00:05:50]  Then that's a good indication that this woman will murder you in your sleep.
[00:05:54]  There's actually, statistically, there's been studies on this.
[00:05:58]  Statistically, 95% of owners of small dogs have at least one human body in a freezer in the basement.
[00:06:07]  I don't know if you knew that, but that's pure science right there.
[00:06:10]  It's not me talking, that's science!
[00:06:14]  *outro music* So the dog has a TV and a fire plate
[00:06:30]  You know, the vast majority of, and this is like true, the vast majority of the world's population does not live as well as that dog.
[00:06:39]  And I don't mean that as a compliment to the owner.
[00:06:42]  This is a larger systemic problem.
[00:06:45]  Did you know Americans, and this also is true, Americans spend close to $100 billion a year on their pets.
[00:06:56]  True figure.
[00:06:58]  100 billion.
[00:06:59]  We could solve world hunger in a month if you maniacs would stop taking your dog to the spa.

=== Why Dogs Aren't Children (03:46) ===

[00:07:07]  That's all it would take.
[00:07:07]  You know that I won't stop until I make you mine.
[00:07:13]  You know that I won't stop until I make you mine.
[00:07:18]  Until I make you mine.
[00:07:22]  Now's probably a good time to mention, if I haven't already emphasized this, that your dog is a dog.
[00:07:27]  He's not your child.
[00:07:29]  He's not your baby.
[00:07:31]  There's nothing worse than people when they treat their dog like a child.
[00:07:36]  And it's even worse when it's a person who actually has kids.
[00:07:39]  And you hear this all the time.
[00:07:40]  Someone will say, oh, uh, you know, we have three kids.
[00:07:44]  And then you find out that no, they have two kids and a labradoodle.
[00:07:47]  What you're saying is that you view your child as a, you view your children as dogs.
[00:07:53]  It's not so much elevating the dog to the status of human.
[00:07:57]  You are, you are degrading, you are demoting the humans in your families to the status of dogs.
[00:08:03]  Um, okay.
[00:08:04]  We've got a couple of others.
[00:08:06]  That will play for some reason.
[00:08:07]  Let's do that.
[00:08:07]  Here's one of a dog bathing.
[00:08:09]  This'll be fun.
[00:08:10]  [Music]
[00:08:26]  What?
[00:08:27]  Why?
[00:08:28]  Rose petals in a bath for a dog.
[00:08:31]  I've never understood the rose petals in the bath thing at all.
[00:08:34]  I don't understand baths at all.
[00:08:35]  Like, why would I want to sit in a stew of my own grime and filth for 45 minutes?
[00:08:41]  I don't see the point of that.
[00:08:42]  But if you're going to do it, you know, for a dog, you know, a dog, you just take the dog outside with a hose and that's it.
[00:08:50]  Use some Dawn dish soap, squirt the thing down, spray him with the hose.
[00:08:54]  Done.
[00:08:55]  You're done in two minutes.
[00:08:57]  Rose Petals gives us a very uncomfortable sort of intimate sort of vibe, and it makes me concerned that things are happening in that home that are illegal in 37 states.
[00:09:07]  Except Texas.
[00:09:08]  Um, all right, let's, let's continue.
[00:09:11]  [sound of ice cream being poured]
[00:09:13]  [sound of ice cream being scooped out]
[00:09:39]  (chewing)
[00:09:41]  (slurping)
[00:09:43]  You put that much effort into a meal for your dog and money.
[00:09:48]  That lunch probably cost $115.
[00:09:51]  And meanwhile, your dog would eat literal sh**, okay?
[00:09:56]  That's what your dog would like to eat.
[00:09:59]  How long does it take?
[00:10:01]  If it takes that long to make your dog's lunch, how long does it take you to make yours?
[00:10:04]  Six hours?
[00:10:05]  By the time you're ready to eat lunch, it's already dinner time.
[00:10:07]  Or maybe I'm... I could be... I'm getting this wrong because it's... I wouldn't put it past these self-flagellating, obsessive dog owners to just, you know, they give the dog that meal and then they eat dog food themselves.
[00:10:20]  Because these are the same people who always go on about, oh, we don't deserve dogs.
[00:10:25]  We don't deserve them.
[00:10:26]  This is why dogs are overrated.
[00:10:27]  It's not about dogs themselves.
[00:10:29]  Dogs are overrated because we... just because we rate them so high.
[00:10:33]  We rate them like literal angels.
[00:10:35]  This is why, if you're gonna own a pet, stick with something simple and low-maintenance.

=== A Pet Amoeba Story (00:15) ===

[00:10:39]  Like, uh, I don't know, a sea sponge.
[00:10:42]  Or an amoeba.
[00:10:43]  I had a pet amoeba when I was a kid.
[00:10:46]  I couldn't see it, but I knew it was there.
[00:10:47]  That was a good pet.
[00:10:50]  Or just don't own pets at all.
[00:10:51]  That's also good.