The Michael Knowles Show - Comedian Ari Shaffir Drinks & Answers Tough Questions: YES or NO Aired: 2025-02-17 Duration: 43:32 === Ari Shafir's Humor (06:07) === [00:00:00] - Is this gay? [00:00:01] Buddy, there's only one right answer. [00:00:10] It's not straight. [00:00:11] Wow! [00:00:12] Now, I am fine with that being gay. [00:00:14] Yeah. [00:00:15] Because gay means happy and delightful. [00:00:17] No, it means lame and retarded. [00:00:18] And that's what that was. [00:00:20] Hello, everybody. [00:00:35] I'm Michael Knowles. [00:00:37] This is Yes or No. [00:00:40] Very exciting. [00:00:41] Nice. [00:00:43] Welcome to Yes or No, the bibulous battle to discover who knows whom better. [00:00:48] My guest today is comedian Ari Shafir, whose new Netflix comedy special, America's Sweetheart, is out now. [00:00:55] We'll get to see a teaser later. [00:00:57] How do we play? [00:00:58] I will ask Ari a yes or no question. [00:01:01] He will select his answer. [00:01:03] Away from my prying eyes. [00:01:05] Then I will guess how he answered. [00:01:08] If I guess correctly, I get a point. [00:01:11] If I guess incorrectly, I lose a point. [00:01:14] No matter how I guess, I will probably drink. [00:01:18] Then it's Ari's turn. [00:01:21] Neither of us has seen the questions beforehand. [00:01:23] The questions cover various and sundry topics, from the philosophical to the anatomical and everything in between. [00:01:30] Whoever has the most points wins. [00:01:32] The stakes could be higher. [00:01:35] Let's get started. [00:01:37] Ari, thank you for being here. [00:01:38] That was great. [00:01:39] That was great. [00:01:40] That's a fancy looking drink. [00:01:41] It's a godfather. [00:01:42] It's the Padron in South America. [00:01:44] I've got a martini, though. [00:01:45] I don't know. [00:01:46] I think someone slipped a Mickey in it. [00:01:47] It's kind of fizzy. [00:01:48] Yeah, I don't know. [00:01:48] I rarely see a bubbly martini. [00:01:51] Okay, I always say chin-chin to your health. [00:01:53] You can't really cheers them. [00:01:56] Okay, that's good. [00:01:57] I always say if you... [00:01:59] If you win, you get to drink. [00:02:02] If you lose, you have to drink. [00:02:03] Okay. [00:02:04] I want to stumble out of here. [00:02:06] Do you believe that to be a real comic, you cannot be offended by anything? [00:02:14] Do you believe that to be a real comic, you cannot be offended by anything? [00:02:21] They're good and shuffled? [00:02:22] Yeah. [00:02:25] Okay, so that's your guess. [00:02:26] Okay. [00:02:27] To be a comic, I think you're going to say... [00:02:31] It's tough, you know? [00:02:40] To really understand the question. [00:02:42] You have to figure out double negatives. [00:02:44] What the other guy's going to do. [00:02:46] I think you say... [00:02:48] No. [00:02:50] A comedian can be offended by some things. [00:02:54] No, okay. [00:02:55] The answer's no. [00:02:55] You're correct. [00:02:56] So there are some limits. [00:02:57] Yeah, who says you can't be offended? [00:02:59] This is, sometimes you hear this, oh, pure, beautiful comedy. [00:03:03] Someone can walk up and call your mother a whore and you have to applaud them for it or whatever. [00:03:07] Oh, we just prefer people not be offended, but you can get offended just like leave. [00:03:11] Yeah. [00:03:12] It's alright. [00:03:13] You can be offended. [00:03:14] Yeah, my friend made a joke about 9-11 and there was somebody in the audience and he goes, my brother died 9-11. [00:03:19] And he was like, oh. [00:03:20] This is never going to be for you. [00:03:23] You've got to get out of here. [00:03:24] We're all going to be enjoying this. [00:03:26] You're not going to enjoy this. [00:03:29] You can't tailor that joke to that guy. [00:03:32] Comics get offended too. [00:03:34] Like lame jokes. [00:03:36] Comics get offended because of how lame they are? [00:03:38] Yeah, sometimes it's like, you see a roast, that's the best. [00:03:41] You see a roast, somebody makes fun of you, but they'll do something bad, but then you know you're on camera, so you're going to go, ha ha ha. [00:03:47] Yeah, that's offensive when it includes you two. [00:03:50] You know, you're part of it. [00:03:51] You're sullied by it. [00:03:52] I don't mind bad jokes as long as I don't have to be part of it. [00:03:55] Alright, now you're up. [00:03:56] Okay. [00:03:57] Take your game piece away. [00:03:59] Damn, nice. [00:04:01] Okay, production value on this is wild. [00:04:05] You guys can't see it. [00:04:06] I thought these were going to be printed on here. [00:04:08] That's brand name Scotch paper. [00:04:10] It's not even a full tape. [00:04:12] They really narrowed it. [00:04:17] Jews and Palestinians could solve their differences by bonding over their mutual love of digging tunnels. [00:04:26] This is a comparison I have made a lot of times. [00:04:30] And by the way, Mexicans, you're invited to the table. [00:04:33] Jews and Palestinians could solve their differences by bonding over their mutual love. [00:04:39] Of digging tunnels. [00:04:40] Yes or no? [00:04:41] Could Jews and Palestinians solve their differences? [00:04:45] bonding over their mutual love of digging. [00:04:48] Almost. [00:04:49] Yeah, that's a lot to the question. [00:04:56] Could they solve those differences? [00:04:59] Do they both love digging tunnels? [00:05:01] What if they both don't? [00:05:02] Still, I guess they could. [00:05:07] Okay, I've got my answer. [00:05:09] You either think that they could solve their differences through that. [00:05:14] I think you're... [00:05:15] I don't know enough about you. [00:05:17] I think you're the kind of guy who says, get them to the table, we can work anything out. [00:05:21] So I'm going to say that you say, yes, they could solve those differences. [00:05:27] There it is. [00:05:28] We got a game! [00:05:31] They could, because the other thing is, right now, we're thinking two-dimensionally. [00:05:35] You know, we're thinking... [00:05:36] But really, what if you change the direction of the tunnels? [00:05:39] So, like, for instance, the Palestinians are digging tunnels into Israel. [00:05:43] What if they dug them into Egypt or something? [00:05:46] The Palestinians get their tunnels. [00:05:47] The Israelis get rid of the Palestinians. [00:05:51] Everyone's happy. === Why Homelessness Matters (06:42) === [00:05:52] Everyone's happy. [00:05:52] And then they can have, like, a guest speaker, like someone from Vietnam. [00:05:57] Yeah, like let me show you about some barbecues we had down there. [00:06:00] You can really doll it up. [00:06:01] You guys are just using it for transport. [00:06:03] You can live in these things. [00:06:04] Yeah, yeah. [00:06:04] Wow, that's beautiful. [00:06:06] Yeah. [00:06:07] Okay. [00:06:08] A homeless person started the LA fires. [00:06:13] The only way I could really know is if I'm the one who started them. [00:06:22] And then it would be, am I homeless or not? [00:06:24] Really Cartesian, yeah. [00:06:26] Okay, let's see. [00:06:27] The homeless person started the LA. [00:06:29] Put these here. [00:06:40] These are the actual ones. [00:06:41] Okay. [00:06:42] Yes. [00:06:50] Oh, I don't know. [00:06:57] but I believe it was PG&E. - You do, yeah. - With our constant lack of safety measures. [00:07:01] Did you think it was PG&E or even like Newsom himself? [00:07:05] Oh, Newsom went in there and just started. [00:07:07] Yeah, basically, yeah. [00:07:08] Burn it all down. [00:07:09] It could also have been a fat chick who's learned to be okay with her body weight, having her thighs go together so fast that eventually it will start. [00:07:17] Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:07:19] With jorts or something. [00:07:20] It just creates a friction. [00:07:22] Yeah. [00:07:22] But she could have a home. [00:07:24] She could be housed. [00:07:25] Oh, right. [00:07:25] Exactly. [00:07:26] Yeah. [00:07:27] I really don't know. [00:07:28] I don't know. [00:07:29] Yeah, it's funny, though. [00:07:30] Everybody went right to, like, who did it. [00:07:32] Like, hey, go help them, though, first. [00:07:33] First time I ever went to LA, I went up. [00:07:36] I said, I want to see the Hollywood sign. [00:07:38] I love cigars. [00:07:39] So I go up. [00:07:40] I went up there for the first time. [00:07:41] Did you? [00:07:41] I lived there for 12 years, been back for 10, and I never was up there. [00:07:44] It's like New Yorkers with the Empire State Building. [00:07:46] If you're there a lot, you don't go. [00:07:47] But I went up. [00:07:48] And I said, that's really cool. [00:07:50] And you know what? [00:07:50] I'm going to smoke a cigar. [00:07:51] And all these, they're screaming at me. [00:07:55] I said, what's the matter? [00:07:55] They hate smoking? [00:07:56] I was like Steve Martin in The Jerker. [00:07:58] This guy hates cans, you know? [00:07:59] And I'm smoking my cigar. [00:08:01] And then I realized it's because it can... [00:08:03] Burn the whole city. [00:08:03] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:08:05] You can't even smoke cigarettes in your car on the way up. [00:08:07] The windows up. [00:08:08] Yeah, they're like real strict about it. [00:08:10] Yeah, yeah. [00:08:11] Do they find out who actually started it or is it just a bunch of theories? [00:08:14] No, it's going to be like Notre Dame Cathedral. [00:08:16] They're going to be like, wasn't it the Muslims? [00:08:18] And they'll be like, no, it was just a random cigarette or something. [00:08:21] No one's going to ever find out ever, but it was probably the homeless. [00:08:24] I will say, it might not have been PG&A, but PG&A has started over 1,000 fires. [00:08:31] California. [00:08:32] So, why would you think it's not? [00:08:33] Yeah. [00:08:34] You're right. [00:08:36] That's called a lead, boys. [00:08:41] The world would be better if everyone had at least one psychedelic trip. [00:08:46] Now, what do I know about Michael Knowles? [00:08:48] Is he straight edge? [00:08:53] Michael, before you answer, I'm going to tell you something. [00:08:55] Okay. [00:08:57] Do you believe in God? [00:08:58] Do? [00:08:59] I do. [00:09:00] God makes things for reasons. [00:09:02] We can't know them all, but he makes things for a reason. [00:09:04] Yes. [00:09:06] Why would he make mushrooms if he didn't want us to take it? [00:09:08] Answer your question. [00:09:09] Wow. [00:09:09] That's a lot to think about. [00:09:11] It's kind of leading the witness, you know? [00:09:15] The world would be better if everyone had at least one psychedelic trip. [00:09:18] I gotta say yes. [00:09:19] It'd be crazy not to think that. [00:09:21] It would obviously be better. [00:09:23] There's only one acceptable answer, Noles. [00:09:25] That's crazy. [00:09:26] That's crazy. [00:09:27] How would it not be better? [00:09:28] How wouldn't it be improved? [00:09:30] You talk to God. [00:09:31] He said, pick up the phone. [00:09:32] I want to talk to you. [00:09:33] But he also created, like, you know, I don't know. [00:09:37] Avocados doesn't mean I want to eat them. [00:09:39] They're no good. [00:09:40] But if everyone had access to avocados, it wouldn't be better. [00:09:43] Yeah, but now they won't because Trump is slapping tariffs on. [00:09:45] You think it wouldn't be better, though? [00:09:47] No, because I'm going to quote Paul McCartney here. [00:09:50] Paul McCartney gave this story. [00:09:52] He said, John said, if you have some LSD, then it'll rewire your brain. [00:09:58] And I thought, well, my brain's all I got. [00:10:01] I don't want to lose my brain, man. [00:10:04] And that's kind of how I feel. [00:10:05] I was really tempted by psychedelics. [00:10:08] Because listen, back in my wayward youth, man, I had a few puffs of the devil's lettuce every so often. [00:10:12] A couple of jazz cigarettes. [00:10:14] But I had a bunch of friends that got really into acid. [00:10:17] And mushrooms. [00:10:20] This is the thing, though. [00:10:22] All it takes is one, man. [00:10:24] And then I take some tab of acid, and then I think I'm a banana and start peeling my skin off. [00:10:28] Only for like 10 hours. [00:10:31] It's not forever. [00:10:32] What's it like? [00:10:34] You just remove yourself from your ego. [00:10:36] You get to view the whole world without connection to it. [00:10:40] And so you can look at yourself with like, oh, that's a guy who's just going through this. [00:10:44] And you're not trying to defend your own actions. [00:10:47] So you're like, oh, that guy should tell his friends he loves them more. [00:10:50] That guy meaning you. [00:10:51] You, yeah. [00:10:51] You know everything about that guy. [00:10:52] You know a little bit about lots of people, but you know the most about yourself. [00:10:55] Yeah. [00:10:56] But because you're, like, trying to defend your actions all the time, I don't know if that's the ego or whatever, but, like, then you don't, you know, improve. [00:11:03] But if you can, like, even play golf? [00:11:06] Yeah. [00:11:07] Play best ball? [00:11:08] I don't know. [00:11:09] Well, do you hit a shot and then you decide which shot to hit from there? [00:11:12] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:11:12] Everyone ends up, there's some point in the golf course where you hit one here in the sand close and I hit one further away in the fairway. [00:11:19] And we both argue about which one's ball is better. [00:11:21] And you're both defending your own ball. [00:11:23] But if you looked at it with like, I don't know, here's two balls, we'd agree. [00:11:26] Would you agree? [00:11:27] Yeah, you'd agree. [00:11:28] That one's better or that one's better. [00:11:30] But because you're like looking at your own thing, you want yours to be better. [00:11:34] So with mushrooms, it takes away the ability. [00:11:37] Did you find, this is my big objection, mushrooms. [00:11:41] I've had friends who got into psychedelics, and one thing they tell me... [00:11:45] One, though. [00:11:46] One. [00:11:46] One time. [00:11:47] Psychedelic. [00:11:48] Yeah, okay. [00:11:49] One thing they tell me is, you know, man... [00:11:51] I've heard this from multiple people. [00:11:52] I mean, I'll talk the same way. [00:11:53] They'll be like, you know, man. [00:11:56] They'll say, I just felt so much more at peace with myself. [00:12:00] I wasn't so worried about sin and guilt and shame. [00:12:06] But, man, I think... [00:12:07] Guilt and shame are great. [00:12:09] I'm very pro-guilt and shame. [00:12:12] My superpower, I don't like superpower reading not to be able to feel shame. [00:12:16] It's good for a comedian. [00:12:18] Yeah, exactly. [00:12:18] Karen, you got it. === Different Stands, Different Opinions (14:47) === [00:12:21] Alright. [00:12:25] Is this racist? [00:12:28] Now we're going to watch a video. [00:12:29] This is, hold on. [00:12:31] I need help to build a deck. [00:12:34] Yes. [00:12:36] They think they're coming over to my house to fix my death. [00:12:39] What they don't know is that we're not going to my house. [00:12:42] We're going somewhere else. [00:12:43] I'm not going to ruin the surprise, but we'll be there in a minute. [00:12:46] I remember this video. [00:12:47] Yeah, it was earlier pre-YouTube. [00:12:51] Oh boy. [00:12:56] Was this like E-Bound World or something? [00:12:57] - I am... [00:13:07] That was a long time ago. [00:13:08] I didn't realize I was in the presence of royalty. [00:13:11] Yeah, thanks. [00:13:11] This is every 14-year-old boy's, like, first foray into the internet. [00:13:14] That was an amazing bit. [00:13:17] Yeah. [00:13:18] Yeah, it was pretty funny. [00:13:19] It was out there. [00:13:20] We did it for National Lampoons, and then it was, like, right at the beginning of, like, E-Bounce World. [00:13:24] Yeah. [00:13:25] And somebody ripped it to the internet. [00:13:28] YouTube. [00:13:28] It was early, early YouTube. [00:13:30] So people with no context, people are like, what the F is this? [00:13:33] That was a great bit. [00:13:35] Yeah, thanks. [00:13:35] Thanks. [00:13:38] Okay, I think you'll say it's racist. [00:13:40] And here's why. [00:13:42] Not what you're thinking. [00:13:43] Here's why it's racist. [00:13:44] It was just a racial joke. [00:13:45] Those people all got, you know, gave them all 50 bucks. [00:13:48] That wasn't actually a... [00:13:49] A sting operation? [00:13:51] Yeah. [00:13:51] It was a library in Van Nuys. [00:13:55] It's because... [00:13:56] I still have that shirt. [00:13:58] That was over 20 years ago. [00:13:59] And I'm a Jew who still has an article of clothing from 20 years ago. [00:14:02] And that is racist. [00:14:04] Not against the Mexicans. [00:14:06] Not against the Mexicans. [00:14:07] In the last place you'd look. [00:14:09] Anti-Semitism. [00:14:10] Yes. [00:14:10] I remember watching that the first time. [00:14:12] I thought, this is a very anti-Semitic video. [00:14:14] It's so obvious. [00:14:16] Wow. [00:14:16] Amazing. [00:14:17] That one got me a lot of death threats. [00:14:18] Did it really? [00:14:19] Oh, yeah. [00:14:20] My friend Duncan Dressel put up... [00:14:21] It was like early internet, man. [00:14:23] It was so fun. [00:14:24] And he just put in... [00:14:27] Artistic terrorism was his website. [00:14:28] He put in like, hey, prank call my friend Ari Shaffir. [00:14:30] This was before that came out. [00:14:32] Prank call my friend Ari Shaffir. [00:14:33] Best one. [00:14:34] You record it. [00:14:34] I'll give you 20 bucks. [00:14:36] And so then that came out. [00:14:37] Everyone started Googling me. [00:14:38] I used my real name. [00:14:39] Dumb. [00:14:40] And then the first thing would come up was like, Ari Shaffir with phone number. [00:14:44] So I would just start getting phone calls. [00:14:46] Like, I'll build a deck in your ass, Holmes. [00:14:50] It was so great. [00:14:51] I'm like, what is this? [00:14:53] Wow. [00:14:53] Fast forward to the Trump era, you know? [00:14:55] You're on the winning side now. [00:14:57] It's got new life. [00:14:59] You're right. [00:15:00] Nice kids like it. [00:15:03] Oh, here we go. [00:15:04] Oh, this is great. [00:15:06] Is this gay? [00:15:08] - Wow. - Buddy, there's only one right answer. there's only one right answer. [00:15:27] Yeah. [00:15:28] Now, hold on. [00:15:29] I got to guess. [00:15:30] I know. [00:15:30] I got to guess. [00:15:31] Be a man. [00:15:32] Own up to what you did. [00:15:33] Own up to your crimes. [00:15:35] Own up to your crimes. [00:15:36] And the production value. [00:15:37] All of you were part of that. [00:15:42] It's obviously gay. [00:15:43] It's so freaking gay. [00:15:45] It's gay. [00:15:45] Oh, my God. [00:15:47] It's not straight. [00:15:48] Wow. [00:15:49] Now... [00:15:49] Wow. [00:15:49] How did you not get deported from a... [00:15:52] From a music town for that. [00:15:53] I'm going to tell you though, I am fine with that being gay. [00:15:56] Yeah. [00:15:57] Because I want to reclaim the word. [00:15:59] You know, gay means happy and delightful. [00:16:01] And right now, like for instance, have you heard this term, the woke? [00:16:04] No, it means lame and retarded. [00:16:05] And that's what that was. [00:16:07] Well, but even... [00:16:08] I was thinking about this the other day. [00:16:09] I was thinking about this. [00:16:10] So, gay is like happy and delightful. [00:16:13] I can't even look at you. [00:16:14] No, and listen, I don't... [00:16:15] My shoes are brown. [00:16:16] I'm not even wearing the suede ones now. [00:16:18] You're not wearing socks! [00:16:19] Yeah, well, I'm still not wearing socks. [00:16:20] And I can do a little pas de bourree. [00:16:23] So, you ever heard of the woke, right? [00:16:26] Have you heard of this new phrase, the woke, right? [00:16:27] I love it. [00:16:28] It's like the fascist. [00:16:30] It's Karen's on the other side. [00:16:32] But if it means that the extreme, edgy, hip, that means that woke is the new based. [00:16:40] Woke is the new base. [00:16:41] Woke is the new base, which means straight is the new gay. [00:16:43] And then I was even thinking the etymology of the word. [00:16:45] Can I use a naughty word? [00:16:46] There's a lot of dancing around an apology. [00:16:48] Can I say it? [00:16:50] Maybe they can bleep it out. [00:16:52] The word, etymologically, it's related to fascist, like a bundle of sticks. [00:17:00] But it means something different now. [00:17:02] Well, that's what I'm saying. [00:17:03] Can we reclaim the word? [00:17:04] Instead of being based, straight, patriotic, should we be... [00:17:09] Is it now cool to be woke, gay? [00:17:13] No. [00:17:14] Sexual. [00:17:15] That had nothing to do with that. [00:17:17] That whole thing was gay. [00:17:18] The production value was gay. [00:17:20] The little wink thing was gay. [00:17:22] The thinking you're awesome, that was gay. [00:17:25] That was from start to finish gay. [00:17:27] I can see someone goes, hey, how about we do a take where you get on the table? [00:17:30] It's gay! [00:17:31] They're gay for suggesting it. [00:17:32] You're gay for doing it. [00:17:34] That's gay. [00:17:35] I'm out of here. [00:17:35] Here's my only defense. [00:17:37] My only other defense. [00:17:38] Throw yourself at the court and the mercy of them. [00:17:42] They initially wanted me to wear a turtleneck, too. [00:17:46] So that's a little straighter than that. [00:17:48] Yeah, thanks for fighting back. [00:17:49] Alright, well, I take my licks. [00:17:51] And by the way, I'm not gay, even though my boyfriend is. [00:17:55] Alright? [00:17:56] Don't forget that. [00:17:57] Now, I will tease you no longer, my friends. [00:18:01] My best-selling game, Yes or No, exclusively available at Daily Wire Shop, is expanding yet again. [00:18:07] Oh, really? [00:18:07] It is. [00:18:08] The all-new Yes or No Dating and Relationships Expansion Pack is now available for pre-order. [00:18:14] Look at that. [00:18:14] Look at that beautiful pack. [00:18:16] Got a nice little heart in the middle there. [00:18:18] Good design. [00:18:18] You can test your relationships and how well you know those around you by exploring such topics as stay-at-home girlfriends or just modern-day concubines. [00:18:26] For babies, or please do. [00:18:28] Yeah, please. [00:18:29] What's that one say? [00:18:30] Relationships should have defined roles. [00:18:32] This is so this network. [00:18:38] Any of those you read could end your career. [00:18:41] Daily Wire is hilarious. [00:18:43] Marriage is failed because of lack of communication. [00:18:47] Oh my god, this whole thing is gay! [00:18:50] It's okay to break up our text messages. [00:18:51] Now we're back to normal. [00:18:52] Yeah. [00:18:53] Okay. [00:18:54] No, I'm not reading that. [00:18:54] This is a game within a game. [00:18:56] Yeah. [00:18:56] This is inception. [00:18:57] This is a relationship game. [00:18:59] So this will make your relationship stronger. [00:19:00] It will. [00:19:01] Guaranteed. [00:19:02] If you go to dailywire.com slash shop today. [00:19:06] If you play These Are Mushrooms, it'll hit far harder. [00:19:09] It'll be great for your relationship. [00:19:12] Yeah. [00:19:13] Oh, these are pretty fun. [00:19:14] There you go. [00:19:16] We'll give you a great discount on that. [00:19:17] 10% off for you, my friend, my friend. [00:19:20] It works for the history. [00:19:23] Okay, I've got one for you. [00:19:25] I mean, did Ben Shapiro see that? [00:19:26] He directed that, actually. [00:19:27] He wrote it. [00:19:30] We've overcomplicated cancel culture. [00:19:32] It's not about the left or right. [00:19:35] It's really just Kobe Bryant fans. [00:19:39] Wow, what's your answer? [00:19:42] I say... [00:19:47] Should I get one of those martinis? [00:19:48] I kind of want a godfather. [00:19:50] Yeah, let's swap these. [00:19:51] I'd get a godfather. [00:19:52] I'd get a little backup godfather. [00:19:53] I gotta catch up. [00:19:54] I say you say yes. [00:19:55] No, there is no cancel culture. [00:20:02] It's a geezer term. [00:20:03] That's about five years ago. [00:20:05] Literally nobody's talking about it anymore. [00:20:06] Why did it end? [00:20:08] Because it's like every word. [00:20:10] You guys expanded it so much. [00:20:12] It's expanded so much so it has no meaning anymore. [00:20:14] Nazi, fascist. [00:20:15] It doesn't mean the same thing. [00:20:16] So you have different people arguing about different meanings. [00:20:19] So like, is this guy a Nazi? [00:20:20] I'm going, clearly yes. [00:20:22] A Holocaust survivor's son. [00:20:23] I was like, clearly no. [00:20:25] And we'll never communicate. [00:20:26] We're talking about different things. [00:20:28] And that's what happened here. [00:20:32] You'll never have an ability to work again. [00:20:34] Some people say that. [00:20:35] Other people are like, are you losing work over it? [00:20:37] Other people are like, is it just mean you got in trouble? [00:20:40] So we're all talking about different stuff, so they just kind of went away. [00:20:42] Just do your work. [00:20:44] Yeah. [00:20:44] Yeah, I agree. [00:20:45] I think 15 years ago, people would be like, you're a racist. [00:20:49] No, I'm not. [00:20:50] No, I'm not, man. [00:20:51] Seriously. [00:20:52] But now, you're a racist. [00:20:56] Sure. [00:20:57] Who even cares? [00:20:58] Whatever. [00:20:59] It's the dumbest issue in America, and we're constantly talking about it. [00:21:02] Okay. [00:21:04] I'm giving you that. [00:21:05] I'll admit when I'm wrong. [00:21:06] Let's go. [00:21:06] I'll admit when I'm wrong. [00:21:08] And I'll admit. [00:21:09] When I'm gay. [00:21:12] Right now, go to helixsleep.com slash Knowles. [00:21:15] I will admit, I did not appreciate in my early life how much of a difference a quality mattress can make. [00:21:22] I've had my Helix now for something like four years, maybe more than four years at this point. [00:21:26] It is unbelievable how lovely my sleep is. [00:21:30] Not all this tossing and turning every single night. [00:21:34] You know that problem you used to wake up with where whatever your lower back kind of hurts, your neck is all crooked, whatever. [00:21:38] That can be gone because what makes Helix different is their personalized approach. [00:21:42] They take the time to match you with the perfect mattress for your specific needs. [00:21:46] I absolutely adore my Helix. [00:21:48] In fact, I would strongly recommend you not only get a Helix for yourself, but if you want to be charitable like me, you get a Helix for your kids. [00:21:55] Maybe you get a Helix even if you have a guest room. [00:21:57] Go to helixsleep.com slash Knowles K-N-W-L-E-S for 27% off site wide plus two free dream pillows with mattress purchase plus free bedding bundle. [00:22:05] Two dream pillows, sheet set, mattress protector with any Lux or Elite mattress order. [00:22:10] helixsleep.com slash Knowles. [00:22:12] For 27% off site-wide, plus two free dream pillows with mattress purchase, plus free bedding bundle, all that great stuff with any Lux or Elite mattress order. [00:22:21] GalexSleep.com slash Knowles. [00:22:22] Do not miss out. [00:22:25] Being a female comedian isn't hard. [00:22:27] Oh boy, this is going to go somewhere. [00:22:30] They're like, why would you not go to... [00:22:31] And they offer me this. [00:22:33] They're like, are you sure? [00:22:34] I'm like, what do you mean? [00:22:35] Yeah, why not? [00:22:36] What would they make me say on camera? [00:22:38] Being a female comedian is not hard. [00:22:40] You just need to be hefty, dikey, or Jewish. [00:22:43] Wow. [00:22:44] Wow. [00:22:46] Oof. [00:22:48] Hefty? [00:22:49] You didn't shy away from dikey, but you shied away from fat? [00:22:55] By the way, the twist of orange in here, whoever made this, that's a solid, that's great. [00:23:00] A lot of people missed that. [00:23:01] That's an impressive drink. [00:23:03] Okay, I've got my answer now. [00:23:04] I'm going to say, what would you say? [00:23:09] That's not what I'd say. [00:23:10] Not what you'd say. [00:23:11] You have no ownership of this opinion. [00:23:14] How well do you know stand-up? [00:23:15] I heard you didn't know who Nate Bargazzi was until a week ago. [00:23:17] I heard the name. [00:23:18] He's the number one grossing comedian in the world. [00:23:22] So you don't know anything about comedy. [00:23:24] I know the beginning and end of comedy. [00:23:27] Yeah. [00:23:27] Norm Macdonald. [00:23:28] That's all I know about comedy. [00:23:34] I'm hoping you're going to say, ah, man, yeah. [00:23:37] I don't know. [00:23:38] I think you're going to say yes, but I don't know. [00:23:41] Hold on. [00:23:41] I'm not saying this yet. [00:23:43] It is. [00:23:44] Oh, there's more to it than that. [00:23:45] Because what if you say yes, and then I say no, and then you look like you think it. [00:23:47] So you don't watch any stand-up? [00:23:49] I watch some stand-up. [00:23:50] Just Norm? [00:23:50] Just Norm. [00:23:51] Clips on Reap. [00:23:51] Yeah. [00:23:53] No, some other guy. [00:23:54] sometimes so there's definitely more to it I think you're going to say yes, but there's definitely more to it. [00:24:04] It's just my opinion. [00:24:06] It's just your opinion. [00:24:07] I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and you say no. [00:24:12] Come on. [00:24:13] You knew the answer. [00:24:15] There's so much more to it. [00:24:17] It's not that easy. [00:24:18] You don't have to write good jokes. [00:24:20] You don't think I know fat, lesbian, Jew comics? [00:24:26] There's so much more to it. [00:24:27] You still got to be able to write a joke. [00:24:28] Would you say at least that is the minimum condition required? [00:24:31] No, you can be hot now, too. [00:24:33] Everything's different. [00:24:33] Dane Cook changed everything. [00:24:34] It's not for dorks anymore. [00:24:36] There's, like, attractive people come into this. [00:24:38] I hate it! [00:24:39] I think it's gross. [00:24:40] I think it's gross. [00:24:42] This was the calling card. [00:24:44] And now it's all different. [00:24:45] These people, like, have nice hair. [00:24:47] They look like you! [00:24:49] It's so much harder than that. [00:24:50] That's another old one. [00:24:52] That's another old one. [00:24:53] That's not my opinion. [00:24:55] 10 years ago term. [00:24:56] Actually, the guy whose opinion that was, he wrote an essay in Vanity Fair. [00:24:59] He's been dead for like 10 years. [00:25:01] Michael Hutchins? [00:25:02] Christopher Hitchens. [00:25:02] Christopher Hitchens. [00:25:03] His view was that they have to be hefty dyke. [00:25:06] It was a long time ago. [00:25:07] After that started, so let me just tell you what happened. [00:25:09] After that started, a bunch of women who hadn't even started yet got into stand-up. [00:25:15] Not because of that, but it. [00:25:16] So, these 15-year comics that are now running the world were post that. [00:25:21] Who? [00:25:22] Because I could name some exceptions to the rule, but exceptions prove the rule. [00:25:26] Who are the female comedians who are funny, who are actually funny? [00:25:29] And they can even be TV comedians, they don't have to be just standing, who don't fit one of those three categories. [00:25:35] Hefty, Adrian's fat. [00:25:40] Michelle Wolfe? [00:25:41] Michelle Wolfe? [00:25:43] And you would say she's funny? [00:25:44] Oh yeah, she's great. [00:25:45] Really? [00:25:46] Yeah, she was like the best female comic in the world at some point. [00:25:48] She was definitely famous. [00:25:50] No, you see her Netflix stuff. [00:25:53] Really? [00:25:53] Okay, I'll take your word for it. [00:25:54] She goes like the white chick so hard. [00:25:56] Really? [00:25:56] She speaks for all of us. [00:25:59] Because we can, you know how they're like, well, you can't say that about black people or the military. [00:26:02] You're not in there. [00:26:04] She's the white chick going, you have to calm down. [00:26:07] She was all of us. [00:26:09] Yeah. [00:26:10] She's a great example. [00:26:12] Okay. [00:26:13] Yeah. [00:26:13] There's so many. [00:26:15] I was human. [00:26:16] There's just like a ton in New York. [00:26:17] It's like... [00:26:18] All right. [00:26:18] When I used to work at the comedy store, people would call in, I'd work the phones, they'd be like, is Jim Carrey going to be there? [00:26:22] I'm like, no. [00:26:23] They're like, how about Eddie Murphy? [00:26:24] I'm like, no. [00:26:25] And then it was like, how about this? [00:26:27] And it was like, hey, listen, anyone you've heard of is bad now. [00:26:30] It is not a current stand-up comic. [00:26:32] The real stand-ups are in it now. [00:26:34] Yeah, of course. [00:26:35] But I also know a lot of lesbo comics that are really funny. [00:26:40] But that's not the requirement. [00:26:41] But no Jewish. [00:26:42] That's a geezer take. [00:26:45] I get it. [00:26:46] You're just not around stand-up. [00:26:48] I should have known that would be the take. [00:26:50] I'll take the points. === Irrational Phobias Discussed (09:42) === [00:26:51] That's fine by me. [00:26:54] There is a video to be played. [00:26:58] It is absolutely wild times. [00:27:02] It really, really is. [00:27:04] I was there for this. [00:27:05] Really? [00:27:05] I was. [00:27:06] It's the only Trump writer. [00:27:07] It's rare that you will play a homosexual comedian on this network. [00:27:10] There's literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. [00:27:14] Yeah. [00:27:15] I think it's called Puerto Rico. [00:27:18] Okay. [00:27:19] All right. [00:27:20] Tony rules. [00:27:21] Yeah. [00:27:23] Okay. [00:27:23] That's one of my best friends. [00:27:25] Technically speaking... [00:27:27] Is Puerto Rico, in fact, a floating pile of garbage? [00:27:31] I have to guess how you would guess. [00:27:34] Is technically so. [00:27:36] So we're talking geology here. [00:27:38] Dude, I'm already Jewish. [00:27:40] You don't have to try to educate me. [00:27:41] So the answer you would say is yes. [00:27:43] No, it doesn't float. [00:27:48] What? [00:27:49] That's crazy. [00:27:51] Do you think, oh my god, that's so sad. [00:27:53] Buddy, do you think islands float? [00:27:55] Oh, I'm really sorry. [00:27:57] No, it goes all the way down. [00:28:00] It's just garbage to the seabed. [00:28:04] It was the only Trump riot. [00:28:06] How was it? [00:28:07] So, the way they played it, you'd think he was doing a buddy routine with Trump on stage. [00:28:11] That was like six hours before Trump got there. [00:28:14] So he goes, he gets there, and he does this whole 30 minute thing about it. [00:28:19] And he gets there and he goes, hey, I'm here. [00:28:20] I have these notes I wrote on this tiny piece of paper because I can't let the lady next to me see what I'm writing on the plane. [00:28:28] And he goes, do you have the teleprompter? [00:28:29] And they go, no, it's too late for that. [00:28:30] He goes, oh, all right. [00:28:32] Well, I got to memorize these jokes real quick. [00:28:33] And they go, when am I going? [00:28:34] They're like, you're going first. [00:28:35] And he goes, oh, that's no way. [00:28:39] I'm a dirty comedian. [00:28:41] He goes, I don't go first at night. [00:28:42] It's like nude. [00:28:43] It's nude. [00:28:44] What a terrible order. [00:28:46] He said he saw afterwards everyone coming in with all the tweets were coming in, like, how dare this guy? [00:28:51] And then he looks up and there's a magician on stage. [00:28:53] He goes, why is that guy not before me? [00:28:56] He's doing, like, paintings. [00:28:58] So how did it go? [00:29:00] So I had just gotten there. [00:29:02] You've got to figure out, he's playing at this point. [00:29:04] It's Madison Square Garden. [00:29:06] 80% is empty because people aren't getting there for four more hours. [00:29:10] So I'm there at this point. [00:29:11] I mean, there are still a lot of people. [00:29:13] I don't know, 2,000, 3,000 people. [00:29:15] Yeah, but in a 25,000 theater. [00:29:16] By the way, the last time he was there, he performed for his sold-out match. [00:29:20] For his show, yeah. [00:29:22] So it's like, he's going into this jarring thing, but I thought it was so great. [00:29:26] Did you watch any of it, or were you kind of glancing at it? [00:29:29] Yeah, I mean, I was there, I was like getting my, whatever, hot dog for a drink. [00:29:32] But I was listening to it, and I was like, oh, this is different. [00:29:35] And it reminded me... [00:29:37] I remember Jon Stewart reacted to Clint Eastwood doing the empty chair bit at the RNC. And everyone was piling on Eastwood. [00:29:44] And Jon Stewart said, oh man, I loved it. [00:29:47] It was so refreshing. [00:29:48] It was so different than anything you hear at these. [00:29:51] Yeah, try something. [00:29:52] I thought it was great. [00:29:53] I thought it was so funny. [00:29:54] I had friends there. [00:29:55] They'd go like, no, you did well. [00:29:57] Yeah. [00:29:57] And they're just not really mic'd for... [00:29:59] Yeah, yeah. [00:29:59] No, in terms of just the people sitting around me in a largely empty stadium. [00:30:03] Yeah. [00:30:04] They loved it. [00:30:05] That was a straight send-up job. [00:30:08] Political people suck. [00:30:10] They were just like, let's just offer this guy up. [00:30:12] Who cares if it's true or not? [00:30:13] Let's just misrepresent what happened for our own personal game. [00:30:17] It's all Game of Thrones, right and left. [00:30:19] You guys are all doing Game of Thrones stuff. [00:30:20] Also, though, that joke. [00:30:21] Do you know any Puerto Ricans who were offended by that joke? [00:30:24] No, well, I make a point to not be around. [00:30:26] No, no, any Puerto Ricans. [00:30:28] I do know what. [00:30:29] His father was stabbed. [00:30:32] Forget that stereotype. [00:30:35] Luis Gomez. [00:30:37] But no, no, none. [00:30:39] Also, there's almost no undecided voters at that time. [00:30:41] And they try to broaden it from Puerto Ricans to all Latinos. [00:30:45] And other Latinos are like, you know, a lot of us hate each other. [00:30:49] Most of us, actually. [00:30:50] You guys are acting like one unit that's all going to be offended by humor. [00:30:54] It was so dumb. [00:30:56] It really made me hate all politicians that they'll do this to my industry. [00:31:00] Take it out of context and intention. [00:31:03] Offer someone's whole life up. [00:31:04] Yeah, of course. [00:31:05] Because you've got to figure, at that point, it was two weeks before the election, so the Dems were like, well, whatever. [00:31:09] We're going to treat that guy like he's Trump's vice president. [00:31:12] He's the running mate. [00:31:13] Exactly. [00:31:14] It's funny. [00:31:14] Some comedians got upset about it. [00:31:17] Really? [00:31:17] And I tried to reach out to them compassionately. [00:31:20] Not publicly. [00:31:22] They got upset by the joke or the fact that he did a gig for Trump? [00:31:25] Yeah, that's what it came down to. [00:31:26] They're like, it's racist. [00:31:27] I'm like, it's not. [00:31:27] It means this and this. [00:31:28] And also, Tony's obsessed with the... [00:31:31] Refuse problem in Puerto Rico. [00:31:34] They actually have abandoned the nation state. [00:31:36] I don't know what you call it even. [00:31:38] I'm also living in a very liberal area in Manhattan. [00:31:41] And when Trump said that Puerto Rico is not part of America, and everyone's like, all the liberals are like, is that wrong? [00:31:48] It's crazy! [00:31:49] How dare you? [00:31:50] They were just coming out right then. [00:31:52] It's a protectorate? [00:31:54] Is it a principality? [00:31:55] But they see him as Hitler. [00:31:59] As Adolf Hitler. [00:32:01] And it doesn't matter what the joke meant to them. [00:32:04] You're trying to get Hitler back in charge of the United States of America. [00:32:09] Right. [00:32:09] So to them, it's like, joke work? [00:32:12] Joke not work? [00:32:12] What does that have to do with it? [00:32:13] So you can't get through it. [00:32:14] Same thing, they're speaking different languages. [00:32:16] He could have gone up and said why the chicken crossed the road, and you would have had half the country furious at him for it. [00:32:21] Yeah. [00:32:22] Oh, yeah, exactly. [00:32:23] Why are you even there? [00:32:24] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:32:24] You can't even hold the door open for that. [00:32:26] I mean, and imagine if they really believe that. [00:32:28] It's like the guy who shot up the... [00:32:29] We brought a shotgun to the pizza gate place. [00:32:31] Yeah, right. [00:32:32] He really thought he was trying to free kids. [00:32:34] Yeah, right. [00:32:35] Like, you're doing the right thing, morally. [00:32:37] Yeah. [00:32:37] You were just misinformed. [00:32:38] Yeah, the premise might have been a little askew. [00:32:40] And when they told everybody, this guy's a racist, he's trying to get Hitler elected. [00:32:44] They're kind of doing the right thing. [00:32:45] If I had to be compassionate. [00:32:47] Yeah. [00:32:47] They're like, oh yeah, that's bad. [00:32:49] Yeah, they're like the guy who shot up the pizza gate place. [00:32:51] Yeah, that's exactly it. [00:32:53] That's a compliment, I think. [00:32:54] Yeah, I don't know. [00:32:55] People who shoot up abortion clinics do. [00:32:57] They really think it's murder, so it's like, I get it, but don't. [00:33:00] Yeah, you may. [00:33:01] I want to, yeah, here we go. [00:33:04] Ooh, snacking olives? [00:33:06] Are those luchies? [00:33:07] Yeah, okay. [00:33:09] Thank you, sir. [00:33:10] This is good stuff. [00:33:11] Wow. [00:33:13] So I had that. [00:33:14] I traveled all over. [00:33:15] I was in Ecuador for like six months during the pandemic. [00:33:17] The industry was done. [00:33:19] Yeah, why not? [00:33:19] Yeah, gathering was over. [00:33:22] And Padrones is huge in South America. [00:33:24] Are they really? [00:33:25] Yeah, named after the Godfather. [00:33:27] A lot of Italians, you know, made it that way after a certain global conflict down to Argentina and those areas. [00:33:34] Oh, wow. [00:33:35] Oh, maybe. [00:33:36] That might be it. [00:33:37] Okay, Europe. [00:33:41] I'm feeling the tension now. [00:33:42] Now I'm going to play the game. [00:33:45] This network is great. [00:33:47] Was this a tad transphobic? [00:33:49] Play it. [00:33:50] If it is false, and for the good of society, and especially for the good of the poor people who have fallen prey to this confusion, transgenderism must be eradicated from public life entirely. [00:34:03] The whole preposterous ideology at every level. [00:34:10] Transphobism should be... [00:34:11] Trans... [00:34:12] Transgenderism. [00:34:13] Transgenderism should be eradicated. [00:34:15] Transgenderism. [00:34:16] Was this word tad? [00:34:19] Was it a tad? [00:34:20] Tad. [00:34:20] Was this a tad transphobic? [00:34:22] Okay, I'm gonna... [00:34:22] And I'll put my answer... [00:34:23] A tad. [00:34:25] I know as Yost, you want to be like, not at all. [00:34:27] But was it a tad transphobic? [00:34:29] Okay, I've got my answer, dude. [00:34:30] It's gotta be us. [00:34:32] It's gotta be a minimum a tad. [00:34:34] Not even a smidgen. [00:34:36] Not even a smidgen. [00:34:37] You wouldn't even get a tad? [00:34:38] Because to be phobic, to be phobic, it has to be an irrational fear. [00:34:44] But that was a very rational statement. [00:34:45] Wait, phobic is irrational? [00:34:46] An irrational, like arachnophobia is the irrational fear of spiders. [00:34:51] So it's just a fear of spiders. [00:34:52] I believe it has to be irrational. [00:34:54] Like, I can't be lion-eat-my-face phobic, because a lion might eat my face, you know? [00:34:59] I think it's got to be an irrational. [00:35:01] What can you be phobic of? [00:35:02] You can be phobic. [00:35:03] Well, of spiders. [00:35:04] So what would that be? [00:35:06] Phobic of like dangerous spiders. [00:35:08] That would be reasonable, I guess. [00:35:13] Common sense. [00:35:14] Okay. [00:35:15] So I think. [00:35:15] Got me on the phobic. [00:35:16] Because. [00:35:16] Got me on the phobic. [00:35:17] Yeah, right. [00:35:18] I say it's got to be reasonable. [00:35:19] But it's definitely not. [00:35:20] It's not pro. [00:35:21] Phobic is not a fear of gays. [00:35:23] It's a rational fear of gays. [00:35:24] Now, I have a very rational fear of gays. [00:35:27] Like that they might, you know, make my style better or, you know, decorate my neighborhood. [00:35:32] Thank you. [00:35:33] Well, you saw the video earlier. [00:35:35] I should have known how you were going to ask. [00:35:37] There was no way you would have said that. [00:35:40] Okay. [00:35:41] You're up. [00:35:42] Phobic is irrational. [00:35:44] Is that true? [00:35:45] Can we look that up? [00:35:45] Yeah. [00:35:46] I want to recount on this. [00:35:48] This is a rapid fire round. [00:35:50] I will read three questions, one after the other. [00:35:53] You will have 30 seconds to answer all three. [00:35:56] The clock starts. [00:35:59] Now, are some religions better than others? [00:36:04] Yes. [00:36:05] Do ghosts or other supernatural entities reveal themselves at cemeteries? [00:36:12] Yes, sometimes. [00:36:16] For RFK Jr. to make America healthy again, he needs fat shaming to come back. === Does He Need That? (04:39) === [00:36:23] To make America... [00:36:24] Does he need that in order to make America healthy again? [00:36:28] You know, obviously. [00:36:29] That's obviously he does. [00:36:30] Obviously. [00:36:30] He can do it another way, too. [00:36:32] It would help. [00:36:33] It would help. [00:36:33] He could, yeah. [00:36:35] Wow. [00:36:35] All right. [00:36:36] This godfather. [00:36:37] He can do it other ways. [00:36:41] Rapid fire. [00:36:43] Boy, buddy. [00:36:45] Please don't put me in trouble. [00:36:49] Is Louis C.K. overrated? [00:36:54] No, he's not. [00:36:55] No, he's not. [00:36:56] He's not overrated. [00:36:57] Do you think Diddy killed Tupac? [00:37:04] No. [00:37:05] It's more than likely, yes. [00:37:06] Yeah, probably. [00:37:07] I thought he had him killed. [00:37:08] I don't think he did enough. [00:37:09] Yes. [00:37:10] Republicans should forgive Bud Light. [00:37:16] No, Transizer Bush needs to be made an example. [00:37:20] I should not. [00:37:22] I'm answering my own answers. [00:37:23] Wait, so hold it. [00:37:24] I need a napkin. [00:37:25] Look at this disaster. [00:37:28] How are you supposed to move fast with a martini glass? [00:37:31] It's the least functional glass in the world. [00:37:33] That was so great for the back half of the game. [00:37:37] Final question. [00:37:38] Both answer. [00:37:39] Mm-hmm. [00:37:40] Went on to rush, right? [00:37:45] We're not in a rush. [00:37:46] Do you think President Trump will make it to the end of his term? [00:37:51] I mean, this asks a lot of questions. [00:37:54] One, about the state of health care for elderly people in the United States. [00:38:00] Also... [00:38:01] What happened to American marksmanship? [00:38:03] It's been on the downturn. [00:38:04] So that's another extenuating circumstance. [00:38:06] And Iranian marksmanship. [00:38:07] Yeah, and access to golf courses seemed pretty easy. [00:38:11] Maybe they should have more security on those. [00:38:13] So you're thinking, or will he just be like, actually, this sucks. [00:38:16] You guys suck. [00:38:16] I'm out. [00:38:18] Also possible. [00:38:19] At the inauguration, I could have easily said, I'm going, nope, not doing it. [00:38:21] Fight it out. [00:38:22] I'm done. [00:38:23] Give me that pension. [00:38:26] So, Will, do I think you think, and do you think I think, that President Trump will make it to the end of his term? [00:38:34] What does Daily Wire think? [00:38:43] Specifically me? [00:38:44] There might be different opinions of the Daily Wire. [00:38:46] You're Italian. [00:38:47] I'm Italian. [00:38:48] Can I ask a second true or false question? [00:38:50] You may. [00:38:51] For not points? [00:38:52] No. [00:38:55] Were you ready to tell the American public that your original name was Cannolis? [00:38:59] It was anglicized at Ellis Island. [00:39:02] It was initially Michael Chocolate Sprinkle Cannolis. [00:39:05] Yeah. [00:39:05] And you just changed the spelling. [00:39:07] I did. [00:39:07] I did. [00:39:08] But it is Cannolis. [00:39:10] If you look in the old parish register in Sicily, it's Chocolate Sprinkle Cannolis. [00:39:14] Okay. [00:39:15] K-postrophe-N-O-W-L-E-S. Cannolis. [00:39:21] Yeah. [00:39:21] Okay, so will Donald Trump make it to the end of his term? [00:39:25] What do we think that you'll say, and what do I think that you'll say? [00:39:28] You got your answer. [00:39:29] All right. [00:39:29] Yeah. [00:39:32] Wait, wait, wait. [00:39:32] This is for game. [00:39:33] This is for the game. [00:39:34] Do I think you think Donald Trump can make it to the end of this term? [00:39:40] I mean, they're coming after him hard. [00:39:42] Got an extra game left. [00:39:44] Mm-hmm. [00:39:47] You think that guy, he's dead now, right? [00:39:49] But do you think that guy is, like, in heaven or whatever, in hell? [00:39:52] Which one? [00:39:52] Jimmy Carter? [00:39:53] The first one. [00:39:54] Biden got his ear. [00:39:55] Biden? [00:39:55] Oh, that guy. [00:39:56] Yeah, that guy. [00:39:57] He's like, oh wait, I got him votes? [00:40:00] Yeah. [00:40:02] I'm dead and I got him votes. [00:40:05] The most meritorious thing that guy ever did. [00:40:09] Okay. [00:40:11] I think you're going to say yes. [00:40:12] We're both right. [00:40:13] Okay. [00:40:13] Wait. [00:40:15] So we tie. [00:40:17] It's a tie. [00:40:17] It's a tie at zero. [00:40:19] It's a tie at zero. [00:40:20] Which is really what politics is all about. [00:40:23] When you don't get anywhere ahead by engulfing yourself in this negative... [00:40:27] Yeah. [00:40:28] You're all time zero. [00:40:30] Both right and left. [00:40:31] Go outside. [00:40:32] Talk to your friends. [00:40:34] Call your mom. [00:40:35] Do something of merit. [00:40:36] Certain roses smell well. [00:40:37] Other roses smell terrible. [00:40:39] Yeah. [00:40:40] What roses smell terrible? [00:40:42] Well, none smell terrible. === We Should Have a Higher Percentage (02:48) === [00:40:43] This is such a good metaphor for politics. [00:40:48] Yeah. [00:40:48] We've been here for like an hour. [00:40:49] Everyone loses. [00:40:50] Nothing has been accomplished. [00:40:52] Nothing was accomplished. [00:40:53] Nothing happened. [00:40:54] I know somebody who was setting up a provisional government in Afghanistan in the army. [00:40:58] It's been a year. [00:40:59] He was there, stationed there for one year. [00:41:01] Yeah. [00:41:01] And they had to negotiate on what's the percentage of Shiites, percentage of Sunnis, or percentage of, there's another group. [00:41:07] What are like the, I don't know. [00:41:09] Yeah, I think it was the Orthodox Jewish Muslims. [00:41:15] And they had to like, no, no, we should have a higher percentage. [00:41:17] We should have a higher percentage. [00:41:18] No, that should be lower. [00:41:19] And then finally, finally, after almost 11 and a half months, agreed, all right, these are the percentages. [00:41:23] Like, fine. [00:41:25] Okay. [00:41:26] Have a weekend. [00:41:27] On Monday, we're all going to meet. [00:41:29] It'll be our first meeting. [00:41:30] And they go, I'm not sitting in the room with a Shiite. [00:41:32] And you're like, oh. [00:41:34] And then his tour was over and nothing was accomplished. [00:41:38] And we're getting there. [00:41:39] You know, whether it's the joys of stereotyping or the beauty of drug addiction, Ari Shafir focuses on the positive in this darkly uplifting special. [00:41:48] Check out this tease for America's Sweetheart. [00:41:52] People are going to get killed. [00:41:54] So, who better than a child? [00:42:00] They don't contribute to the GDP, like, at all. [00:42:04] Guys, I'm joking. [00:42:10] I hope you understand that. [00:42:11] But when you couldn't kill Asian people for three months, four years ago? [00:42:15] I've been having so much fun. [00:42:16] I've been shoplifting, like, a lot. [00:42:20] Black people, you gotta be white someday. [00:42:23] It rules so fucking hard. [00:42:25] It's the best. [00:42:27] Black people, honestly, I hope you get white privilege someday soon. [00:42:30] But until that happens, man, you make excellent decoys. [00:42:35] If I'm at CVS and three brothers walk in, I'm like, it's go time. [00:42:39] Nice. [00:42:51] Nice. [00:42:51] Thanks. [00:42:52] Good promo. [00:42:53] Nobody plays this stuff. [00:42:54] Having not won or lost this game, I was feeling totally neutral, but now I feel actually a lot better. [00:43:03] I can't wait for that special. [00:43:05] Watch it. [00:43:06] It's fun. [00:43:06] It's about ignoring politics. [00:43:08] Good. [00:43:09] Finding better things to focus on. [00:43:11] Blessed you to be avoiding all the nonsense. [00:43:15] That's great. [00:43:15] Ari, thank you, sir. [00:43:16] Thanks, Michael. [00:43:17] It was a pleasure. [00:43:18] It was cool. [00:43:19] Yeah. [00:43:21] It's a great piece. [00:43:25] And guys, everyone in the audience, you're going home with a yes or no card game. [00:43:30] You're going home with a yes or no card.