"$9 Million on OnlyFans & God Saved Me" | Michael & Nala Ray
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In an incredibly moving and powerful episode, Michael Knowles sits down with Nala Rey, who left behind a lucrative $9 million career in ad*** entertainment after a life-changing encounter with faith and Jesus Christ.
Nala Rey opens up about the realities of the industry, the emptiness of chasing material success, and the profound moment of spiritual awakening that led her to leave it all behind for a path of faith and purpose.
What was it about you that was able to make a million dollars a year?
My biggest thing that I sold was that I'm multiple girls.
I put all of that energy into creating Nala.
How much money do you have at this point?
Nine million.
My parents kind of disowned me.
That sounds catastrophic.
I've never really dove into that feeling.
Never talked about this.
What's the point of all this money when I don't have feelings?
Is that the moment where you say, alright, I gotta start getting out of this thing?
I was sobbing.
I was looking at my fireplace.
I grabbed the Bible.
I was like, God, I need an answer now.
I truly need an answer now.
And He gave me an answer.
What did he say?
One of the underappreciated aspects of temptation is that it's very tempting.
Money, sex, fame.
My guest today is someone who has had all of those things in spades and then came to regret it and totally cut it all off.
And that would be one of the top OnlyFans performers, a former OnlyFans performer, Nala Ray.
Nala, thank you for coming to the show.
Thank you, Michael.
I'm not just saying this to seem like goody goody.
I actually am unfamiliar with your work.
Oh, that's okay.
Your former work.
Good, that's probably great.
Now you're on a totally different, but this has all happened very, very quickly.
Yeah.
You rose to fame as one of the top performers on the top, one of the top porn sites in the world, and you made a ton of money, and you got extremely famous.
Then you quit it all.
We'll get into that.
And now you're living a totally different life.
Yes, sir.
Take me back to the beginning.
So the beginning started about five years ago, if we're talking about going back to the beginning of when I started porn.
I want to go back to the beginning.
Oh, like little Nala.
So, as far back as I can remember, I have been in a big family.
I was raised with four other children and they're all my parents.
But we were a family of seven.
We weren't always like a religious family.
It was probably when I was 10 years old, that we, like, well, I had lost my house in a tornado, and then my parents went through a divorce, and we weren't serving the Lord then, but it was crazy how God brought us back together, and then my parents remarried within a span of a couple of years, so there was a lot of stuff that had happened in my life that was just absolutely crazy for a kid to go through.
How old were you when your parents divorced?
Almost 11 years old, because we had just lost our house, like completely lost everything in the tornado.
I was living in Missouri at the time, and then my parents divorced because it was like, it was a lot to go through, honestly.
It's a big family.
And like losing everything that you worked for was just gone.
I absolutely destroyed.
So, and then having to provide for kids.
So, I can understand like the emotional strain that my dad probably carried to provide for his family and then that was just all gone.
So, my parents divorced and then they actually got saved during the process that they were divorced.
You know, they really had this come to Christ moment.
And so I was almost 11, and then they got remarried on Christmas Eve.
So that was just like, it was really cool.
So to see your family like reunited again.
And from there, my family really started diving into being led by my parents like religion, which was like Baptist.
We are Baptist Christians.
And so Interestingly enough, I don't know how this even came a part of my dad's life, but he began preaching.
So again, I can't even go back that far in my brain to when that actually started for my dad, but he had been a pastor and evangelist for I'd say like 10 years, so after all that happened.
So he became an evangelist pastor after they got remarried?
Remarried.
So not before?
No, not before.
Zeal of a convert?
Yes.
Okay.
That was pretty much it.
So became a pastor, was pastoring a couple churches, and the sorrowful part of that was that some of the churches had church splits.
We went through some church splits through that religion of being a Baptist.
It wasn't really the religion, I think, but it was just the people in the church couldn't get along.
I don't feel like that's really Christ.
That's not Christ's heart.
It's for us to divide, but to build and have unity together.
Forgive my ignorance on a church split.
I am a mackerel-snapping papist, a Catholic.
I guess we've had some splits.
They're historic schisms between the East and the West.
We don't have, I think, what you're describing, which is, you mean like, so it's a relatively small congregation, and then one day they just decide, we're done.
No, more like the church actually splits in half.
No, I'm just kidding.
Lightning strikes.
That's it, yes.
So people like deacons or the pastor, and there's other roles in the church,
They disagree continuously for whatever amount of time, and it gets worse and worse, and people tell their sides to half the church, and other people take other sides, and after that, the church really just cannot function together because there's almost drama involved, or it's just other people's opinions, and people do not want to be in the church because it's uncomfortable now, you know, because everyone knows the situation.
Nothing's really being spoken about except for behind backs, and that's just, It's a mess.
So, it's like a divorce?
It truly is, just like a divorce, and the kids are the denomination, you know, like the sheep in the church.
So, we went through a couple of those, and it was crazy because some of the people in the church just didn't like what my dad had to say.
He's a very blunt pastor, and he's very just like, we'll tell you what it is, and preaches from the Word of God, and some people didn't agree with it.
You know, I was really young too, so I don't understand all of it at the time.
Like, I was probably like 11, 12, 13 years old.
And while so much had happened.
And so it's just, it's like going through divorce after divorce after divorce.
And it's really hard because, you know, you kind of, you not even kind of, you get to know people in that church and you might not fall in love with them, but they became a big part of your life.
And then now you see them for something very different because they don't like your dad.
Yeah.
And then you feel this restraint from wanting to be around them, speak to them, or even consider their viewpoint on it, because that's your father.
So we went through a couple of church splits and moved around.
And at the time, I was never even considering, oh, it's my dad.
And I'm not blaming him in any manner.
But now that I have Christ in my heart as an adult and not a child, I'm looking at things differently and just trying to test the Spirit, because that's what the Bible asks us to do.
You know, when you're unsure about something, test the Spirit.
Look at the fruit of the Spirit.
And I've been actually going over that in my head, and it's not that I can remember one specific sermon of his or anything, but I'm looking at him as a person and his character.
And, you know, what we did as a pastor's family.
And being a pastor's family, I have to tell you, is one of the roughest jobs.
You don't get paid for it either, but, like, you know, it's a rough place to be in in your life if your family isn't, like, in unity.
And our family just wasn't in unity in any manner.
This is another area where my potpourri will give me some ignorance, which is, you know, priests don't get married.
I did not know that, so that's my ignorance.
They're celibate and they don't get married, so there's a whole long historical conversation about that.
I'm totally unfamiliar with this idea of a pastor having a family.
I imagine that would be extremely stressful and very difficult both for him and for the family.
Even what you're describing, the traditional understanding of the family, of a marriage, is as a symbol of Christ's love for his church.
And so everything you're describing is just As you say, a divorce after a divorce after a divorce, one of the four marks of the church.
There's just no unity anywhere.
There's no unity.
Yeah, that's supposed to be one of the four marks.
How can you feel safe in any atmosphere, including your home atmosphere?
I truly never felt safe, you know, because when we go to church, there's like some face we have to put on.
You can't be like, you need to be the strong people for the church.
You cannot be the weak ones.
You're the face of the church.
Absolutely.
I have a really big issue with that now.
Looking back, being vulnerable with people is how people trust you as well.
You can't always put on this strong face and expect people to trust you.
Because I don't trust people like that in my day-to-day.
If you're always the same consistently and I'm like, hmm, what's going on?
Why aren't you opening up to me?
Why aren't you being vulnerable with me?
Because that's a good relationship, right?
A priest friend of mine once wrote that the problem with the modern idea of the feel-good religion, the real weakness of feel-good religion, is feeling bad.
Wow.
Because people feel bad sometimes.
Right.
Absolutely.
And if your whole religion is about just, you know, strong face, happy-go-lucky, well then you're going to begin to have doubts.
That's a really good point, honestly.
But there was really not much of that, and if I did feel that way, it was at home and secret and private, you know.
And again, I did not have a good relationship with my parents, and I'm not blaming them in any manner.
I didn't know how to have a relationship with my parents because I was a pastor's kid.
Like, I don't think people understand the roles of a pastor's family, and I'm here to share it truly.
As a pastor's daughter, you're kind of expected to just be the front, right?
So anytime someone's walking in the door when church starts, you're at the front.
You're the first ones to get there and the last to leave.
I ran Sunday schools.
I had to be included in anything that the church wanted.
There was people in the church who felt led to open up like a puppet class.
I had to be a part of it because I had to show support.
The choir, I had to be a part of that because I had to show support.
Sunday school, Bible school, vacation Bible school, any program that there was, the family of the church is expected to represent.
It's like a political family.
Like, you know, a congregation.
That is such a great way to look at it, honestly.
It's so difficult because it's just like show face, show face, show face, show face.
And that's about it.
You don't truly get to be your own person.
You're just your family.
You know what I mean?
You're a part of your family.
You need to listen to your parents.
And I'm really young at this point, so it's just like I have no choice.
And growing up in churches, I didn't have very many kid friends at all.
Unless they were children children because I was watching them in Sunday school so their parents could be in service.
So, which I love personally sometimes because I got to eat snacks with them and that was the best part.
But like, and I love children.
So that was, it was, it was fun for sure.
It wasn't all gloom and doom, nothing.
But now as I'm an adult, I look back at this and I'm reflecting for the longest time I pushed it away and pushed it away out of my head.
Because it was very painful to go back through that and just like think about so many times where I struggled and there just wasn't anybody there.
But the point I was trying to make was, Growing up, I only truly had adult friends.
I grew up at 13 years old.
Were there not young people in the church community?
There were.
We had very small churches, though.
It's not like mega churches by any means.
Maybe 100 people in the church, maybe less.
It was never big, big.
Which 100 people is a lot, but when you're catering so much to things, like, I just, I really grew up at a younger age, and the, I do remember this two, these two girls that went to my last church that my dad pastored, and they went to public school, and I was homeschooled, like, almost my entire life.
I just could not relate to them.
They were worried about, like, what they were wearing to school, and what they were getting, and I'm like, I just share my sister's clothing, so I don't know what you're talking about.
And I just never felt like I fit in with them.
It was that kind of a relationship.
Well, I've noticed friends of mine who are homeschooled, many of them were, they are much more mature usually, probably because they're spending more time around adults.
Yeah, a little bit socially awkward though.
Sometimes they have a little rap for that.
I've met some homeschool kids like that, where me and my siblings would be like, man, they're weird.
Like, are we like that?
So, because they don't get out very much.
But thankfully, like, we were in church, so we were just always being social with people, regardless if it was just mainly adults.
But yeah, so I do realize that homeschool kids can be more mature, but also I think that's because of their studies are being very honed in on.
You know, like in public school, the teacher can't speak to one student, they're teaching a whole class instead of really paying attention to that one child.
In homeschooling, I was the only one in my grade and my mom was my teacher, so like I was very honed in on as a child.
Makes prom very awkward, but you know, that's...
Oh my gosh, I would have loved to go to prom for sure.
I wanted all of that.
I didn't even have like a graduation ceremony.
I was just like, oh, you're graduated now.
That's great.
I'm like, okay.
So I feel like I did miss out on a lot, but I would not take it.
I'm very thankful my parents chose that direction.
I don't only feel kind of book smart, but I do feel very street smart in that manner, too.
Because usually you'd hear the opposite.
You'd hear a homeschooler say, look, I'm really book smart, but I don't have any street smarts.
I was a public school kid.
And, you know, I got a little bit of book learning because it was a good public school, but you get much more street smarts from public school than you do book smarts.
But you're saying it's the opposite.
Well, for me, my dad is very, very street smart, and my mom is very, very book smart.
So I got both of their teachings, and I'm a very hands-on person instead of more of a bookworm, so I do enjoy reading, depending on the book.
But, um, I am very hands-on to learn.
So I feel like that's where my critical thinking came in.
Like, while I was growing up, I started working at a very young age.
Like, just turned 15, got a job.
What was the job?
I worked at Hardee's.
Hardee's, oh yeah.
Yeah.
I'm friends with the former head of Hardee's.
That's awesome.
Maybe you guys worked together.
I don't know.
Probably at different levels.
I worked in, it was when I worked in, I was in Illinois.
Okay.
So yeah, but I loved it.
I love working so much.
When I got my first job, I felt so independent.
I bought my first car by myself.
My parents didn't help with that.
I just, I wanted to be out of the home so bad, and that job provided those hours away.
Now did, Did your siblings want to get out of the home, too?
They did.
Yes, absolutely.
So at this point, because I'm trying to track how things start to go in another direction, you and your family, you're basically all on the same page, doing the same kind of thing.
This is age 15-ish, 16.
Yes.
Okay, so you want to get out, you want to be independent, then what?
Okay, so I was about 15, 16.
I had worked at Hardee's for like two years.
I got another job in fast food that didn't last very long because I knew I didn't want to be in fast food anymore.
I got a job as a waitress for a breakfast and lunch place, and I loved that job.
That was when I started going to college around 18.
So right when I graduated, I got right into college.
This was a local college?
Yeah, State College of Florida.
So I went there for two years.
I was studying to become a dental hygienist because I was like, hey, I like teeth.
This is cool.
Let's do it.
Every time I went to the dentist, I had a great experience.
And I was like, I could do this.
What?
Every time I go to the dentist, they make my mouth bleed because I go once every five years.
And then they yell at me for not flossing properly.
I wanted to be that person.
I yelled at others.
A lot of control.
Yeah, but I'm very interested in the anatomy of human body and, like, the face and everything, so I loved my classes.
Unfortunately, I didn't stay in, but it was not short after I had gotten a job in surgery scheduling for an orthopedic company, so I felt like my medical career was kind of taking off, actually, without a full degree.
So I was like, oh, and I really loved orthopedics.
Again, I just loved the human body, so it just kind of fell into that category.
Why do you think you love the human body?
I'm fascinated.
I'm fascinated.
Do you have any sense of where that might have come from?
Our creator, I think.
At the time I didn't know it, being a creation of his.
At the time, I didn't think about it like that.
I was just fascinated by the human body.
When I went through my anatomy and physiology classes, I was like, whoa, this is crazy.
Then I went through labs, dissecting cats, and I thought that was amazing.
It's so interesting to hear you say that because a lot of modern religion, they tell you body doesn't matter at all.
It's just kind of mamby-pamby stuff in your head.
The ancient Christian writer Tertullian famously said, the flesh is the hinge of salvation.
You know, the faith is a sacramental faith, so you receive the Holy Eucharist or any of the sacraments.
And the idea is it's a meeting of the physical with the metaphysical.
And that's lost on so many people in modern life.
But you're saying that actually, wittingly or unwittingly, was drawing you to the body.
I love the human body.
I think it's an artwork.
I really do.
Like, I, I, um, when I started this journey on OnlyFans, I was very pro-nudity.
Like, because I love the human body.
I think we're beautiful, truly.
I have a different form of that love now.
It's more, I love what God created instead of just nudity.
You know, so, and that was-- What's the, what do you see as the distinction?
Perversion.
That's pretty much the distinction I feel now is like promiscuity versus acceptance of something beautiful and seeing it for what God created it to be and how God wants it to be used instead of being perverted in it.
Right.
And almost a kind of idolatry.
You know, we could all name aspects of the human body that we are prone to.
Yes, prone to.
But if you, you know, so if you consider that, say in the context of marriage, as it ought to be, and you say, okay, I really, you know, this part's kind of nice and this part, but if you consider that as part of the integrated whole of the person that is then also a compositive body and soul, then that's all great.
You know, it's like a song of songs and it's really good.
We're not trying to suppress that desire.
Nope.
But if you make it an idol, you know, you, Have a thing for this body part or that body part, then it really becomes, in the true sense of the word, a fetish.
It does.
Like a fetish is a term that refers to pagan idolatry.
Yes.
Right, like you could have a fetish for some weird idol statue kind of thing.
Of course, just like you can have a foot fetish.
Right, right.
Absolutely.
Or really any physical aspect.
Absolutely.
Which seems to be so prominent today.
Yes, we live in a very evil and adulterous generation, so perversion is a very big part of that, I think.
There's so much more to say.
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So you're saying you were taken by the body and then led into this perversion.
Yes.
It started slow, kind of, but in that me being lost, so I was in that job of orthopedics for two and a half years, going on three, it was when I got the opportunity to start OnlyFans, and it was right before Right after COVID had just gotten out, like it was still like a mystery kind of, but we were hearing it online.
I was hearing about TikTok and people were kind of making fun of it, but it hadn't like shut everything down yet.
So, um, this was super early 2020, like January.
Um, I had gotten reached out to by someone on social media and I was not big on social media at any manner.
You just had a personal Instagram or something?
Just a personal fitness page.
I was a nobody, pretty much.
Very low following.
Didn't have a Twitter, didn't have a Snapchat, didn't have a Facebook.
But it was fitness?
Fitness.
So there's also that, you know, you're into the orthopedics, you're into fitness.
I am.
I really love fitness.
I've been working out since I was like 18, before my brother went off to the Air Force.
I started working out with him in the gym, and it was just awesome, and then I carried all that over after he left for the Air Force.
I worked out once.
Once?
It didn't take.
You didn't like it?
Not for me, no.
I enjoy pushing yourself.
I enjoy pain in that manner, because I have a hard time, before I met Christ, I have a hard time feeling things.
I really do.
What do you mean by that?
I feel numb.
I felt numb.
It was difficult for me to feel things like sadness.
I felt like I never cried.
I could get angry and my temper was probably a little worse than it should have been, but crying was not a big thing for me.
I didn't feel very emotional.
I felt very numb to things, and I didn't have a lot of friends either.
Did it bother you?
I chose that.
I truly chose that because I was sick of having people in my life that would just come to me and complain about things and never want to change.
I'm like, I'm the kind of person that will tell you, hey, you effed up.
You should probably do something about that.
I'm here.
Don't come to me and just cry, and then cry about the same thing again, and come back and do the same thing.
I'm not going to listen after a certain period.
Are you a man?
You sort of sound like a man.
See, this is a thing I've actually gotten asked before, but not indirectly, like, are you a man?
I'm definitely a female.
I'm a woman from birth, and I love that.
But I have very masked emotions, and I don't know if that's because of how I was raised.
Well, that's what I'm trying to get at.
Just a lot that I've gone through.
When you say you have masked emotions, is it that you have them but you don't express them?
Or you're saying you don't even really have them, you are just actually kind of numb?
You know, I do feel as though they were masked because now, since I gave my life to Christ, I don't feel like that anymore.
So I feel like damage was done in my past that just kind of suppressed.
And I felt as though I needed to be strong.
And I was on my own.
So I could be on my own and crying, or I could be on my own and independent and like fearless and strong, what I believed strong looked like.
And I didn't have a lot of people in my life, including my parents and my siblings.
And I, you know, siblings are a funny thing because like, You, like, want to kill each other when you're younger.
And then when you grow up, you kind of go through this phase sometimes where you don't speak.
And then when you're an adult, you're like, there's no reason not to speak.
You know?
Like, we want to speak, and we want to be cordial.
We want to see each other.
It's amazing.
It's an actual, like, phenomenon to me.
When you see your siblings grow up next to you, you take a little bit of a break.
And then the next time you revisit them, in my case, they're full-grown adults.
Right.
They're living lives.
They have children.
They've been married.
And they're completely different people.
So that's more than a little bit of a break.
Yes, it was like a couple years, like three, four years.
But when you were growing up, were your siblings like you in the sense that they didn't know?
No.
So you were different?
A little different, but I'm also the middle child.
So I feel like the middle child is just an odd ball.
So whether that be due to like no love or whatever that is, it's not that my parents didn't love me.
They loved me in their own way.
But it was like, do you know about like the love languages?
A little bit.
I always thought of myself as a Casanova, but I don't know the specific jargon.
What's that definition?
Well, you know, I'm of Italian descent.
Me too!
Are you?
That's why we get along.
But when you say love languages, are you referring to a technical kind of thing?
Yeah, so there's like equivalently like five love languages, like physical touch, acts of service, gifts, words of affection, and there's one more, quality time.
For mine, it's food, for me.
Food, okay.
That's somewhere in there.
I love food, too.
I love to cook, too.
Love to cook.
But, you know, there's like this love language test that you can take, and it just kind of tells you what your physical love language is.
You know, mine is physical touch.
I feel the most loved when I'm physically touched, whether it be holding hands, a pat on the back, a hug.
That is how I mainly accept and feel very loved.
You know, like you have a love tank.
You know, mine gets filled up by physical touch.
So, and it's not like sexual.
It's completely just really nice physical touch.
You know, again, it can just be like a pat on the back or, you know, a touch.
But for everyone, it's different.
And so what I mean by that is like my parents didn't, I don't feel as though they loved me in the way that I feel loved.
Didn't give you a hug?
My mom was a very like more stern disciplinarian.
She's so sweet, but it's not like she's not like a hugger or anything like at all, like doesn't touch kind of thing.
And then my dad being like respectful because I'm a woman, you know, doesn't do that at all, like will not touch like that.
So, and I was like, okay, I get it, but I just need love, you know?
So, you know, the craziest thing is I went through counseling in my teenage years because I was acting out like crazy, like crazy and couldn't explain it to myself.
My parents didn't know what was going on with me.
And I went to a counselor.
And she specifically said the reason I was acting out was because I was looking for love.
When you say acting out, what do you mean?
So I was like sneaking out of my house when I was 15, 16 years old.
Like sneaking out the window at like 1 or 2 in the morning when the whole house had went to sleep.
Um, meeting boys, meeting random people.
I wasn't drinking, doing drugs, partying.
I just wanted to be around people and have freedom.
I had such a rush from sneaking out of my house because it was like the only form of freedom that I felt like I had control over.
And it was, it was just, it was such a dark time in my life.
And my parents ended up calling the cops on me.
And that was like the last time I did it.
How did you even find these people, if you're in this realm?
Online!
Like, just random.
I had an iPod.
I had a phone, but it didn't have internet, because my parents were, like, very strict about that.
But I had secretly bought an iPod off of Craigslist or something, and connected it to my Wi-Fi, and was just, like, meeting people like that.
And that was the most dangerous thing, obviously.
But I didn't care.
So you're meeting them on Facebook or something?
Facebook or like some kind of apps like a dating app or something like that.
I can't remember Specifically right now, but one was off Facebook for sure.
Um, I just I did not care I was just like or if I met them in person I'd get their details like secretly and then like we talk like that but um, I just really wanted attention and I knew it was like physically and So I have been like I feel as though I'm very like sexual like hyperactive person I you know that's what I told myself for the longest time because that's what I was craving but I think truly it was like
Physical touch, but in like a loving way and not a sexual way.
Right, right.
So, but that's what the counselor was like trying to explain to me was that she feels as though I'm acting out in these ways, like these dramatic ways to one, get attention and two, like just feel love.
That love that I'm not feeling at home because my parents are focused on the church and not their kids.
So, like, you can be a shepherd of the sheep in the church, but if you're not being a shepherd in your own home, they're turning into wolves over here, starving.
Charity is the most important virtue, but charity begins at home.
Love.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
So, I don't know anything about running a family, so I can't imagine how difficult it could have been, for sure.
I'm not judging my parents in any manner.
I think they did the best they could, truly.
I'm not blaming them or anyone for my actions at all.
It was completely my choice.
We all have free will, don't we?
We do, though our will is conditioned by our circumstances.
I agree with that completely.
When I watched your last podcast on that, I was like, wow, speak truth!
I know, it's not a very politically correct view now, because it's not a very liberal view, but obviously, you know, this is why education is so important.
That's why we call it...
Liberal education is not in like the modern political sense, but in the sense that the way that we learn to use our freedom, to make sense of our freedom, is through education and cultivating intellectual virtues, but also moral virtues that are habits.
If something goes wrong in that instruction, you're liable to go wrong.
You won't be able to exercise your free will.
Absolutely.
And if you're not educated well on the topic, which who is at any age?
You're not educated on everything, but you back up on things that you were kind of influenced by.
If you don't actively have a knowledge about it, you kind of kick in with, well, this is what I know.
This is what I've experienced.
That's how I kind of feel about it.
And again, it's not blaming my parents in any manner.
I'm very thankful for my parents.
But it really directed me in a weird way, for sure.
I I really do believe that.
I'm really happy that, you know, I wouldn't take any of it back because it still ended up shaping me into the person I am now.
No matter what, like hurt, it's a beautiful thing.
You wouldn't take what back?
Your actions or the way you were raised?
Both, actually.
My actions leading up to OnlyFans, my actions on OnlyFans.
Of course I'm ashamed of it, and I do want to be very clear about that.
In no way, shape, or form should anyone go through that and be like, oh, I'll just get saved later.
Or, I'll just get off after that.
Or, who cares about what my reputation is later?
You should absolutely care about who you are, who you're going to be.
I don't think people now being influenced by it understand the direct harm it will do to your mind, your body, and your soul.
So it sounds like you're saying you do regret it.
Of course.
The actions, absolutely.
Would I take it back?
No.
And this is the reasoning.
Because I feel like my testimony is very strong now.
You know, in Paul in the Bible, or Saul, who turned to Paul in the Bible, was absolutely persecuting and killing Christians, you know, and holding the coat for people stoning the apostles, right?
So, he got radically changed on the road to Damascus.
Completely changed.
You know, was blinded even.
And regained his sight, but then radically got saved by God Himself and changed and became A living, walking testimony to people who were just like him or so many others.
You know, he started writing letters to the churches, you know, bluntly calling them out or praising them for what they're doing in the community of Christ.
And I thought that was so bold.
But why I say I wouldn't take it back is because God could absolutely use me if I never would have gotten on OnlyFans.
I don't need to have that testimony to be able to reach people.
But if you were a young girl, Thinking about starting an OnlyFans and being influenced by this current generation to start an OnlyFans.
Would you listen to the person that's never been on OnlyFans or never had any direct connection to it saying, don't do it, don't do it?
Or would you listen to the person at the top of the hill who's saying, there's a cliff after this?
Right.
You might listen to both.
You could, absolutely, depending on so many different things.
But I'm stubborn.
And I'm one of those hands-on people that kind of want to figure it out for myself.
I personally would listen to the person at the top of the hill being like, do not come up here.
Please, this is fatal.
Other than someone who really doesn't have a whole bunch of knowledge on it and might not even be experiencing the feelings and Whatever that person's going through.
You know, a lot of insecurities.
I say insecurities because that's exactly how I was feeling in my life when I decided to join OnlyFans.
About my looks, about how people perceived me, being someone online.
Like, there was a lot of pressure.
So you weren't, when you say you have insecurities about your looks, or had them then, it's not that you joined OnlyFans because you thought, I'm hot and I can make a buck.
You're saying, I think I'm ugly or something.
I needed to be noticed.
Yeah.
And a lot of people want to point that out about me, like, oh, you just want attention.
Even now, I just want attention.
I want God to have the attention, full and foremost, about anything that I say now.
It's about Him and not me anymore.
And I love that.
I'm so happy.
To have him take center stage and me be in the back with a clipboard, you know?
Pupil dissolving, to quote.
So, but then I was in such a horrible place in my mental.
Again, not feeling much, wasn't crying.
I went through quite a few really hard relationships that made me feel even worse about myself.
And I understand that it was my choice.
This is before OnlyFans.
Before OnlyFans, yes.
So I went through quite a few relationships.
I didn't have good friends at all.
I wasn't in contact with my parents like that.
So you already had falling out with your parents at this point?
Before OnlyFans?
It wasn't as dramatic as the one when I started OnlyFans, but I was not, like, I was speaking to my dad, but we weren't, like, good, good, and my mom and I just, like, barely ever spoke.
So, her and I have never really had a good relationship, although I do hope that changes.
We still don't have a good relationship, and I'm not quite sure why.
But, you know, I, in my mind, I expected this change To be like the prodigal son returning, you know?
In my mind, I was like, I hope that's something like what it's like to return home whole.
And not whole.
He didn't come back whole.
He came back broken, you know?
And then he comes back to his home, you know, where he belongs, and got an amazing welcome.
I'm not expecting a feast.
He had a delicious, fatted calf.
Yes!
Yes!
And I wanted that, but it did not happen at all.
And it kind of broke my heart a little bit.
With either of your parents, it didn't happen.
In fact, they're actually getting another divorce right now.
So, um... Oh, man.
That's brutal.
Yeah.
But it's okay, you know?
It's okay.
Yeah, and God's overarching providence, all things will be turned to good, doesn't make it any more pleasant at the time.
It doesn't, but this is human feeling, you know, and we all experience things, and honestly, I'm thankful for the feeling.
You know, I'm thankful to be able to feel again.
I actually praise God that I can feel things.
I praise God when I'm crying.
I praise God when I'm happy, because it all belongs to Him anyway.
He is our Creator.
I rejoice in my sufferings.
It's a very traditional view.
Absolutely!
It's also downplayed in modern religion, which is that suffering is sanctifying because it joins us to the sufferings of Christ on the cross.
It does!
Exactly!
I just heard that yesterday too, and I could not be more just...
Shaken by that.
I was like, wow.
When Christ was suffering on the cross, he was able to forgive people who were killing him.
And that was so beautiful.
He wasn't rejoicing in the suffering, but thankful for it.
And I was like, wow.
And he changed the world.
Completely changed the world.
And created it.
Yes.
So, I want to be like that, and I want to learn how to recorrect what I believed previously.
I'm just really excited for this new learning portion in my life, because I thought I was a scholar, truly.
I really did.
I thought I had it all down.
I'm like, I'm independent, I'm making money, I don't need a man.
I am good to go.
Like, my future, my career, everything is great.
Like, I got a dog, I'm fine.
Classic modern millennials.
She's like, I got everything.
I got money, and a computer, and a dog.
What else do I get?
I drive a Porsche.
Like, this is great.
So, man, my mind could not be more changed.
Oh my gosh, my soul is forever changed from that.
So you never had a good relationship with your parents, and they keep getting divorced, and it's deeply painful, and it's very frustrating.
Now, you've kind of gone down this path, and some guy reaches out to you, whoever that is, and says, hey, you should join OnlyFans, and you'll make a lot of money and get famous.
Yep.
And then that happened.
It actually happened.
Which it doesn't happen for anyone, but it did happen for you.
It was crazy, because the guy was like a recruiter.
I don't know if he worked with OnlyFans.
I didn't stay in contact with him long, but he was trying to get me to sign up under this code.
He tried to get me to sign up.
I thought it was sketchy, so I didn't use his code.
I was like, I'm not gonna do that.
I don't even know who you are.
And then I started OnlyFans.
I was doing it all by myself.
And I made like $85,000 the first month.
I had worked my butt off for a month.
And I knew, I knew that I wanted to create content on TikTok, on Instagram.
I just like, Pornographic content or just any kind?
Just content.
Like I'm a creative person and I wanted to make videos for TikTok.
I wanted to quit my job because my job at the time in orthopedics was going nowhere.
I was not getting promoted.
I was just kind of in the same spot that I was like two and a half years ago.
I was so disappointed in that because I know I'm like a leader.
I know I'm like supposed to be the CEO.
I just know.
Like I feel it in my bones.
When I started broadcasting on the internet, I think I made $85 in my first month.
Maybe my first year.
$85,000.
So, how?
Oh, it's okay.
I mean, no way am I... You're a lovely gal.
I'm sure you were very good at it.
Yeah.
But how is it that the median income on OnlyFans is like $300 or something a month?
Something like that.
Maybe even lower than that.
What was it about you that was able to make, you know, annualized a million dollars a year, starting out from day one?
So the biggest thing I think that changed my OnlyFans career was that I had a niche in the system.
One, I have red hair.
Two, I'm a gamer.
Three, I love anime, and I'm a cosplayer.
So I put all of that energy into creating Nala.
You're a weeb.
I'm a weeb.
Hardcore weeb.
So I learned that term because you're the second weeb that's been on this show.
The first one was Archduke Edward Hapsburg, the Hungarian ambassador to the Holy See, and the second one is Nala Ray.
So you're into all this weird nerdy stuff.
Weird stuff, yeah.
And that's what made you a million dollars a year starting day one.
Yeah, I just think that no one was doing stuff like that on OnlyFans at the time, and I was just like, Yeah, let's try it.
You know?
And I started in, and I started in mainly on my cosplaying.
Because my biggest thing that I sold was that I'm not just one girl.
I'm multiple girls.
So cosplaying is... Costumes?
Changing hair, makeup.
I wore fake contacts and outfits.
So I completely looked like a different person.
And so had characters kind of to each character kind of thing.
Like their own personality almost.
So I was like multiple women in one.
Two for the price of one, there you go, yeah.
So that was like my selling point, was just kind of that.
And I was, the first month I was only selling like lewd pictures and that was about it, and talking to them on OnlyFans.
I didn't get into porn until like quite a few months later.
I was like really trying to think about it first before, because I was getting so many offers to start porn or doing more and more for more money.
So you were making 85 grand a month without, it was just, Naked pictures, basically?
That's it.
That's literally it.
Wow.
And sexualizing talk with them, but that's about it.
Like, from the comfort of my own home.
But that's never... So, I don't know.
Knowing a little bit about human nature, I know that that would never be enough for anybody, because that's not how, like, lust and desire work.
Yeah.
But one could imagine You say, OK, I'm now going to make a million dollars a year, and I've compromised my dignity, and I've given myself some reputational damage, but it's only nude pictures.
These days, every woman sends naked pictures.
That was definitely my logic at the time.
And so why wouldn't you then say, a million's enough.
No more.
I'm only going to keep doing this.
I'm not going to go further and make full porn videos.
What's crazy is there was a time in that period, before I started porn, that my parents had found out.
How did they find out?
It was a crazy circumstance.
I was out to dinner with my parents, just me and them, and a waiter came up to our table and was like, are you Nala?
And I was like, no, absolutely not.
And all my mom had to do was Google the name Nala.
There's no other Nala out there.
Nothing.
And it showed everything, like my Twitter.
So Nala is your stage name.
OK.
I wasn't sure.
OK.
So she had never heard the name Nala.
Nothing.
But this guy, also what a creep.
I was so angry.
I was like, can you not see that I'm with my parents?
But even then, even if you were alone or with friends or something.
Yeah.
If you're a dude and you see a porn actress, wouldn't you just keep it to yourself?
Because basically you're going up and admitting, like, hey, I'm a pervert.
I watch you.
Yeah, I'm a freak, man.
You'd be surprised.
I have had so many people over the years come up to me out of the blue and just be like, are you Nala?
Can I take a photo with you?
I'm like, you know what, sure.
Wow.
It's part of the business, unfortunately, but there are a lot of people who have come up to me, a lot.
And so, it's just like, okay.
Like, what am I going to say?
No?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, at the time, I'm like, I just need to be kind to everybody.
You know, they are my supporters.
You know, they're giving me money.
So, what am I going to say and be mean?
Absolutely not.
I'm not a mean person anyway.
So, but yeah, that's how they found out.
My mom, like, didn't know at the direct time of the dinner that that was who I was.
But then, like, the next couple of days, she found out.
Did research.
And that was when I decided to move to California at that time.
So I was already going to be leaving Florida.
But it was so hard.
Why were you going to move to California?
What's that?
You said you were going to move to California.
I was in Florida at the time.
But why did you want to move?
Because my business had started growing.
And I didn't want to be near my family while I was doing this.
I wanted to keep it all separate.
And I felt like a big fish in a little pond in Florida.
I did.
And I wanted to be a little fish in a big pond.
Yeah.
So just to network and see where it went.
But again, I told you, like, I'm a leader.
Like, whatever I try to put my time and energy into, I do it 100%.
And I will go hard.
So what happened was, like, my parents kind of disowned me.
And, like, I stopped talking to all my siblings.
And it broke me.
Not to bring up a bad memory, but you sort of seemed to gloss over that a bit.
And so my parents disowned me.
But that sounds catastrophic.
We had this final talk the day before I left for California.
And we were just out on my porch in my apartment.
And my mom didn't say a word to me the whole time when I was, like, they knew I was moving the next day, but didn't say anything to me.
Wouldn't even look at me.
And my dad was just kind of, like, trying to come to terms with it verbally, but I wasn't saying anything because I was like, I don't know what you're trying to work out here, but I don't, like, know what you want me to say.
Like, um, I know you disapprove.
I just want to know if you still love me.
Yeah.
But I didn't ask that directly.
But the one thing that my mom said before they walked out the door was just like, I hope you're happy in your endeavors.
And then just left.
And it broke my heart, truly.
But she must have been in some immense pain.
Absolutely.
Probably felt a bit of guilt.
Sorry.
- Sorry. - It's all right.
It's a very dreadful thing all around.
And of course, they probably felt a bit of guilt because they are thinking of, you know, their own actions and it kind of leads to this.
And so, what do you say?
Can I get your tissue?
Yeah, thank you.
I think the biggest thing is that I've never really dove into that feeling.
Never talked about this because, again, it was just something I was like, I can't even deal with this.
I can't think about it.
It is hurtful to think that your parents actually do have, like, a line drawn in the sand to what they will accept and not accept.
And will they actually, like, love you past a certain point?
And I guess that answer was kind of no.
Do you think it was no, though, or do you think they were just kind of... You know, I kind of think that because I went three years without speaking to my mom.
Like, there was absolutely no communication, except for she did send me a letter, like an email, that was just saying that I had drifted far from God.
And that this wasn't his purpose for my life.
And I was like, okay, thanks.
Appreciate that.
Like, that's great.
I was very hurt by that because it just didn't feel real.
I didn't feel like she was being real with me.
I felt like she was judging me.
And I don't deal well with judgment.
I'm a very rebellious person when it comes up to judgment.
Like, that's just kind of who I am sometimes, which I'm not saying is right.
But I really came at it like, I don't care what you say.
You're like, that's what you're going to say to me?
After all, that's what you're going to say to me?
Well, I'm already on this path.
Why not just keep going?
And that point in my life, I remember that was when I was like, I have nothing else to lose.
You know?
We have the slowest tissue service in the world.
It's OK.
Here we are.
Wow, I appreciate you so much.
We can just keep rolling.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
- No, not at all.
So you have this heartbreaking moment with your parents and then you move the next day.
- For good.
- Did you, did it hit you, the significance of that?
Absolutely.
I was very hurt, but didn't know how to express my anything.
I had no emotions to express with that.
I remember standing in my shower, just letting the hot water go over me and just staring at the floor.
I wasn't crying.
I felt nothing.
And I was just like, okay.
Like, let's move on now.
Like, let's go.
Because if I let this… I always felt that, like, emotions could weaken you.
Like, in that… I really did.
I don't know why.
I can't explain why I felt that.
But I needed to be strong for myself.
And I knew that I needed to continue going on.
Do you think there's anything your parents could have said that would have gotten you not to do it?
Absolutely.
I said that in my last interview as well.
Like, if you could go back and if someone could have said something to you, would you have changed your mind?
And the answer is a million percent.
Because I know how I react to love, to true love.
Like, I feel the genuine Genuine-nity in it.
I feel that.
Yes, I feel like if somebody, I don't know who, but a friend or a boyfriend or my parents or my one of my siblings could have sat me down and didn't say anything elaborate, but just, hey, like, this is not it, like expressed the The warning in this, like, warned me in any manner.
Because I didn't know anyone in the field.
Nobody in OnlyFans yet.
I'd only just kind of had people around me that were in my previous life, and that was it.
But I didn't have any friends.
Like, no friends at all.
I was just kind of working every single day, and that was it.
In my little apartment with my dog.
Like, that was it.
So, I wasn't really, like, in the outside world.
I was just kind of in all the time.
Just you and a computer, basically.
That's it.
And my iPhone.
Like, that was it.
And, like, I had sets kind of set up around my home to do, like, different cosplay shoots and stuff, but that was it.
Like, my home wasn't even looked like a home.
It was like a big studio.
If someone would have said like, hey, you are worth so much more than this, or I was really struggling with insecurity at the time and thought that was like why I needed the attention and the attention did feel good.
And for people out there wanting to be like, oh, she just wanted attention.
You're absolutely right.
I wanted attention.
Whatever that attention looked like, I didn't care because I just needed to feel something.
You know?
And I feel like I craved that so much, was just being able to feel something.
And that's definitely a wrong way to go about it, but I did it, and I can't take it back.
But there was a lot of crucial moments in my life.
Like in OnlyFans, that world that broke me and continued breaking me.
And then it was like, it's like when you're in the military.
I've never been in the military, but I've heard a lot of stories like you get broken and rebuilt the way they want you to be built up.
Correct?
So I felt like I had just been broken and broken and broken and broken and just needed to heal and get over it.
Like stuff it back.
So what's the progression?
So after that significant thing happened with my parents, I started porn.
And it was only with my partner.
And I do want to clarify something.
Not that it matters, but I get frustrated at the people on the internet saying, like, oh, you have so many bodies.
In the five years that I was on OnlyFans, Literally slept with three people.
And two of those were my partners.
I was in relationship with them for over a year.
Because two of them did OnlyFans.
So it was like a part of our relationship was that we just did OnlyFans together and sold it.
You racked up a lower body count than probably the average American undergraduate in that period of time.
That's what I'm saying.
So I was never about like sleeping around, but my image online needed to be that so that other people, like, okay, so the people that buy my content are what?
Men.
Men, if they think that they have a chance with me, they'll buy my content because they just want to speak to me, right?
So I'm really good at marketing myself in that manner to think that they could potentially have a chance with me.
I never marketed that I had a boyfriend.
It was just people I was sleeping with.
And that's how I would market my OnlyFans in the messages.
I was like, oh, I met this guy at the bar.
It's my boyfriend.
I met this guy at the mall.
It's my boyfriend.
But most of the time, they wouldn't show their faces, so you really couldn't tell.
So I'm a genius at marketing that way.
I really was.
I knew what men wanted.
I even read some dating books.
One of them was called The Game.
I can't remember who it was by.
It's like a pickup artist thing, right?
Something like that.
And I wanted to understand men's brains to be able to do my work correctly.
Just a certain kind of male brain, I guess.
Yes, a different one for sure.
So at this point now, it's no longer just you're taking pictures and basically selling lust or enticing lust.
There's now this layer of deceit because you're lying.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
I'm selling a fantasy.
But are you justifying this to yourself?
Is it sort of like, well, I'm an actress and I'm playing a role?
Or are you not justifying it at all and you think, who cares, I'm just doing whatever?
I think a little bit of both.
I didn't think about it that much at the time.
I just knew I was in a world of fantasy.
You're not even touching me anyway.
You know what I'm saying?
And in porn, it's a fantasy, right?
The man is experiencing a fantasy with the girl that he's watching on screen.
So I was like, I'm a storyteller.
That's how I kind of look at it.
So who's this boyfriend though?
He had his own OnlyFans?
OnlyFans, yes.
Men have OnlyFans?
Oh yeah, absolutely.
They don't do half as well or even a quarter of well as women do because women don't buy porn, men buy porn.
I had a thought that I would start in OnlyFans and I would read Italian poetry.
That would be beautiful.
Now the problem is I'd be giving money to OnlyFans because they'd get a cut of it.
So I couldn't, but now you're telling me I would only, at best I'd do a quarter as well.
I'm sure that there is a crowd that would love to see you.
But that means what, I'll make 20 grand a month?
I don't know.
It's not worth it.
With the amount of people on OnlyFans, I think you would have a good shot, honestly.
So he had his own thing.
And that's got to be just for gay guys.
Yep.
There's no way it's women.
It was just called gaybaiting.
And it was a very disturbing thing that I had to witness, for sure.
Wow.
So you're dating this guy who is doing gay or gay-adjacent stuff on OnlyFans.
And he's your boyfriend.
But he's your secret boyfriend because he's also your scene partner.
Yes.
And did you have this sense I don't purport to have female psychology or even desire at work, but do you have the sense of like, hmm, this guy ain't Prince Charming.
This guy ain't the man of my dreams.
Oh, absolutely.
I knew I was not going to marry that man.
I just thought it was more of a work relationship.
I was like, cool, we both do the same thing.
That's great.
I didn't care.
And again, I had this crazy feeling inside that I would probably never get married because of what I did.
And I was like, you know, if I have to accept that, I just need to accept that.
I did not by any means think that that was going to be my husband or anything.
I knew it was a short-lived relationship.
Had you wanted to get married as a kid or a young kid?
Yeah, absolutely.
Most girls, they dream of their wedding day.
I did, for sure.
But at some point, though, you start pursuing this thing, because it's going to lead you to your other goals, and it's going to make you rich and famous, but then you end up, I guess this is how a Faustian bargain works, the thing that you were aiming at, you end up losing.
Yeah.
So you say, okay, well, to have this life, which includes getting married, I've got to do porn, and then, but actually, the porn is going to preclude me from getting married, but ah, well, never mind, at least I'm still doing porn.
At least I'm still doing porn.
In my mind, it wasn't, I'm doing porn, it was like, at least I can be financially independent.
Like, I was like, I made so much more money than my partner at the time.
So much more money.
I would imagine.
And so, in my head, it was just hard to see like a man who would be able to accept that.
Like, a woman making more money and being the complete breadwinner.
Like, I could come into your life and spoil the F out of you.
Just like everything, you know?
Could give you whatever you wanted.
I'd love a Patek Philippe watch.
It would be good.
Maybe like some kind of a nice briefcase.
I heard you like the Kiehl's lip balm.
That's probably the most expensive thing I have around here.
It's so expensive.
Those things are like a thousand dollars a tin.
Yeah.
So, right, so you're saying it's not even just I want to be financially independent compared to my family growing up, say.
You're saying even compared to this guy I'm dating, this guy's a schlub, he's poor compared to me.
Absolutely.
And I'm so... I had very little respect for him.
Very little.
Fair enough.
Well, you're gay baiting.
I thought that was really gross, honestly.
That's weird.
But he didn't do that the whole relationship.
He had just started that almost by the end of our relationship.
I was so against it.
I didn't know how to feel about it.
I was like, ew.
How homophobic of you.
Very homophobic.
Yes, of course, obviously.
It was very hard to deal with for the short amount of time that I did deal with it, but I really didn't understand it.
But why, again, I don't purport to understand female psychology, Why was it so important to be financially independent?
You're obviously a charming, smart, good-looking girl.
Why not just go marry a rich hunk?
I was told that by people, including my dad.
You could be a trophy wife.
I was like, ew.
Do we literally have a Gucci bag flung in front of my face and be like, huh?
Yeah.
Ew.
Yeah.
No, I'm a very independent person at heart, and I never wanted to be controlled.
I have a very hard time being controlled.
Like, I feel like a bird.
I want to fly, you know?
And I was like, I will not absolutely do that.
But so many people that I met in my life were trophy wives or little, like, sugar babies.
I was so... A sugar baby.
Yeah, I've heard about that on the whatever podcast.
I could never.
Oh my gosh, never.
I feel like I would overtake that man in a heartbeat.
Like, oh, I'd be like, nope.
But I guess, sure, you don't want to be just a trophy wife or something like that, but I guess in modernity it seems like those are the two options that people think they have.
You can either be totally independent, I am woman, hear me roar, I'm going to go make all the money, or you can just be the Stepford wife.
But like in a healthy marriage, there is a mutual dependence.
I'm very dependent on my wife.
I consider myself the head of my household.
When rubber meets the road, you know, I'll step up, I'll be the macho man.
But in terms of practical life, my wife does a lot.
I'm extremely dependent on her.
She's the nurturer.
I would starve.
She's like the homemaker.
I would be emaciated if my wife were in it.
Or, you know, I don't know that I...
actually physically pay a single bill in my home.
I don't.
Could you imagine if I were left with the kids for two days, what would happen?
They'd probably have me tied up, you know, hostage.
And they just went around like crazy.
You know, meaning, and beyond these very practical things, there are even deeper kind of dependencies that I have for my wife.
And she has many for me too.
You know, not to, I don't want to seem like I'm being falsely modest.
Right.
You both bring a lot to the table, but it's like, it fits perfectly.
Because again, the wife is like the neck and the body, and the man is the head.
You know?
You can't walk around without a head, and the head cannot walk around without a body.
Right.
That's precisely, in fact, that's the perfect image for it.
So, meaning at this time in your life, You think, well, I don't want to be dependent on a man, particularly this schlub that I'm dating.
But did you not have a sense that you could have a good marriage?
At the time, absolutely not.
I was just so...
Again, numb.
I was just like, you know, this is what I did.
I need to accept the, you know, there's consequences to your actions.
I need to accept the consequences to these actions.
And I had no idea I was going to get radically saved by Christ.
So in that form in my life, in that period of time, I was like, you know what?
I need to potentially understand that I could definitely be single for the rest of my life.
And that was a, it wasn't, it was a hard pill to swallow.
So it saddened you to come to that realization?
It did, absolutely.
I was like, man, maybe I should have thought about this a little more.
And again, I've had people in the industry who are still in the industry get married, but I didn't want that.
I wanted to be out of the industry to get married.
I did not want my husband to have to accept that.
Accept me, but not that.
I didn't want to be married and be on OnlyFans, at all.
What kind of a marriage is that?
What kind of?
I would not understand that.
One could, if one were in that predicament, one could have a proper marriage, but you couldn't do it, but you would have to quit OnlyFans.
Absolutely.
You couldn't do it while you're doing it.
Absolutely.
If I was a husband and my wife was on OnlyFans, I'd be shocked.
Shocked?
It'd be insane.
It would be the insecurities that that door brings for a husband and a wife.
And the husband becomes a pimp.
He's just a pimp, basically.
That's exactly what it is.
A million percent.
And that's like, you're encouraging it, because what?
Your wife's making you money?
Is money really that important?
Right.
It was to me then, but oh my gosh, my viewpoints have changed so much since then.
Why was money so... I mean, look, I like having money.
It's nice.
Yeah.
And when I grew up, we didn't have a lot of money.
Me neither.
And I have more money now, certainly.
And it's great.
But practically speaking, I still wear pretty much the same clothes.
I mean, my sweaters are a little nicer.
And I still eat pretty much the same food.
Shaggy dog once a year.
And, you know, I don't know, I still drink pretty much the same drinks and smoke pretty much the same cigars.
And practically, like, I guess there's a number on a screen that is larger, but practically it doesn't, at a certain point it really doesn't affect your life that much.
It really doesn't.
And I came to that point, that conclusion, that I was making millions and I didn't feel any different.
I could buy anything that I wanted and I still felt the exact same.
And that feeling that I was feeling was empty.
All that numbness was Loneliness, emptiness, like complete and total emptiness, and unaware of that, for sure.
But loneliness, emptiness, not feeling fulfilled.
You know, I was like a creator, and I was like, oh, I'm being creative.
But that's such a lie.
Like, that's not creative to spread your legs.
It's not.
Right, right.
It's not at all.
It's not even procreative.
Not at all.
It's just contraception.
Absolutely not.
I went through this really crazy time where, you know, this was very recently, where for ending my OnlyFans career, I was feeling that more and more on a day-to-day basis, and I had met my current husband now on TikTok.
So that's, is that news?
Yes, that's good news.
Yes, it's very, very new news.
I have a husband.
I got married.
Marvelous.
So yeah.
When did that happen?
This last Sunday.
Yeah.
So we're filming this on, what day is it, Wednesday?
So, and have you made a public announcement about this?
Nope.
So, am I, am I like the 15th person to find this out or something?
You're like the 7th person to find this out.
Right, wow.
Not even my parents know.
That's great.
Well, one does, one does not congratulate a woman on getting married because, even though popularly people do it, but it's very, it's sort of offensive because you're basically saying, oh, what, some man picked you?
So really one says, Best wishes.
This is marvelous.
One congratulates the man, who I haven't met yet.
I'm presumably somewhere around here.
You will, for sure.
That's marvelous.
And this was Easter Sunday.
This was Easter Sunday.
Resurrection Day.
What better day to get married?
But we were ready.
We were so ready.
We knew months ago, like, we wanted to get married to each other.
That saying truly stands where when you know, you know.
Yeah.
Like, I could not be more sure.
Like, absolutely not.
And this man was the one who introduced me to Christ again.
You know, I have this past with Christ where, like, I was a pastor's kid, but I never truly had a relationship with God.
I was just a pastor's kid under, like, some umbrella.
And that's not a relationship at all.
That's, like, religion umbrella.
So, for me, He was the one who started speaking to me and praying over me.
We were just friends.
Like, nothing romantic at all.
How'd you meet?
We met on TikTok, actually.
It was crazy.
Is that the first good thing that's ever come out of TikTok?
Absolutely.
Might be the only.
A million percent, but it started as such an amazing friendship, and he lived in Virginia, I lived in California.
We didn't, like, touch or meet for months.
We only spoke on FaceTime almost every single day, all day long.
Like, I just, we got to know each other without any physical touch, which is, like, my love language.
So that was crazy for me.
Oh, right, right.
Right.
How does one meet on TikTok?
Okay, this was crazy.
So he does live battling on TikTok, and I was just swiping one night, and he's prior Air Force, and he had this battle helmet on and a bulletproof vest on.
It was amazing.
And so he was in his live room wearing that, and I was just so curious.
I was like, why does this guy look like he's about to go into battle?
You're telling me you marry this, like, giga-chad Air Force, like, military guy, but he's also a total nerd who's, like, playing video games?
Yes!
I'm so lucky!
I swear, not even lucky, I'm blessed.
There's kind of a parallel with your... Yes!
He's so blessed.
But we met because I found him so funny on live.
I was like, who is this guy?
Because every time he got a big gift, he'd throw his chair.
I just loved his character.
I was like, what?
I have to get to know this guy.
So we were just talking.
Nothing sexual at all, which was odd for me because of my past.
And I had been single then for about almost two years.
I had taken a huge break from dating anyone.
I was just like, I'm done.
I'm so done.
Because of how my last relationship ended with the gay performer.
Yeah.
Anyway, so we just started talking, and it was a couple months before we met.
We met in Nashville for the first time.
That's where we decided to meet.
Yeah, so it was so special.
And again, he was not sexual with me in the least bit.
He would barely hug me, and I loved that.
It was something about that that just like, I was like, wow!
I was enthralled by it.
I was so happy and thankful, but I got to love him in such a different way.
And it was like being best friends first.
And he even said it, he was like, you're my best friend.
I don't talk to anyone this much.
I don't get along with anyone like this.
And again, we're both kind of nerds.
We both played Call of Duty together while we were on FaceTime.
And so it was the best.
I've never played Call of Duty.
Really?
We're both big gamers.
Wow, that's cool.
That's really cool.
And then you meet up here and hit the honky tonks or something.
We stayed in two separate rooms.
I really didn't want to do anything.
So were you, at this point, you were off OnlyFans or you're still on?
No, I was still on.
You're still on it, but you're prudish about sharing a hotel room with your boyfriend?
Oh, we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend.
The first time we met, we were just friends.
He had not asked me to be his girlfriend yet, which is, again, why I was very thankful.
This is really charming to me, in a way, but you're coming at this.
At this point in your life, you're a pornographic actress.
You kind of have some worldly wisdom at this point.
Okay.
Well, you know, Teehee, he didn't ask me to go steady yet.
He didn't pin me on his varsity jacket, so we weren't tech.
But, you know, a boy and a girl meet up in the middle of the country.
You know, probably it's not just to go get a milkshake.
They probably like each other.
We do.
We really found out then, the first time meeting in person, you know, okay, there's some feelings.
I'm not saying there wasn't any feelings.
Okay, so there's something very charming about this idea that on the one hand, you know, you've been kind of damaged by this awful career, but then you also have this kind of innocence to, you know, like, does he like me?
He likes me not.
That's exactly how I felt.
And it was because of the way he treated me was so respectful.
You know, we were not in a relationship.
And again, I hadn't been in a relationship for almost two years.
And I was, look, if I were to get into another relationship, I knew that it needed to be different.
Knew that from the bottom of my heart.
So put a pause there.
We'll return to Nashville and the wedding.
But then, rewinding, you say, two years, I was not in a relationship because I had this weirdo, pimp-slash-gay porn performer boyfriend.
And so at that point, you say, Why wouldn't you say, instead of saying, I don't want to date another guy, why wouldn't you say, well, I just want to date a better guy?
Oh, that was probably part of it, but at the time I was just so done.
I was like, I really need a break.
Whatever this break looks like, however long this break is, I'll respect it.
Did something happen?
I mean, you mentioned all these steps.
It's just the relationship ended in such a weird and bad manner.
Like, we were so toxic.
And so it was just like, ugh, it was such an ick.
I was like, I really need to be alone for a while.
And I wanted to grow, and I'm okay being alone.
I really am.
So again, I'm an independent woman, so I can do anything.
But you mention, you say, things kept getting worse and worse, and there were these traumas and traumas that broke me down and built me up.
I assume the breakup was one of those.
Oh absolutely it was.
It was a very toxic like year and a half with him.
Very, very toxic.
Like he was much older than I was, like in his 30s and I'm, I was like 23, 23, 24, 24.
and I was like 23, 23, 24, 24.
So I was just like, he brought in a lot of different kind of life experience that I wasn't prone to or used to or didn't know anything about.
And it was very perverted.
So it's just like... How do you mean?
Other than he's... Sexually perverted and...
Just the way he treated people was very weird, and I didn't understand it.
Because I treat people very well.
I think I really do, because I have a kindness in my heart.
Even at that time, did you?
Yes, absolutely.
I don't treat anyone with disrespect.
I really don't.
I don't feel the need to.
But he just introduced me to a lot of weird things.
And yes, so it was a very toxic relationship.
And so after that happened, it was a very breaking point for me, too.
I think it was C.S.
Lewis has an essay on sex versus love.
I could be, it's one of those guys like C.S.
Lewis.
And, no, I'm sorry, it's Fulton Sheen in Three to Get Married.
Archbishop Fulton Sheen.
And he says the difference here is sex, as we think of it, is all about the self, right?
It's about self-gratification.
It's about whatever weird stuff he was into that was perverse and whatever, you know, with you.
And it's just totally self-centered.
And love is, you know, willing the good of the other person His or her own sake.
So to what do you ascribe this weirdo's perversions?
Like porn brain?
Yes, absolutely.
Oh yeah.
He had admitted multiple times that he had been watching porn from such a young age and never stopped.
Never stopped.
And just was like, I guess, curious or whatever.
And at the time in my brain, I didn't see that as a red flag until the end, for sure.
Um, but it's such a big red flag.
Like, his disassociation from what love and sex, you know, actually is, is not correct at all.
But that probably, I mean you say he saw porn at a young age, isn't the median age of exposure like 10?
Like 7?
Like so young, absolutely it is.
So that's true for 90 plus percent of American men, maybe more.
Uh, so the problem you're describing is not just with this particular weirdo, but it's probably ubiquitous.
Yeah, I would agree with that.
Um, I don't know what percentage of men that I've met that were that intense on that.
So was he, he was like a full on, he just watch a ton of porn, not just performing it, but watch it.
Yes.
Yes.
Um, even down to say like when he even told me like when we were intimate that he was thinking of other women and it, I'm speechless still.
I have nothing to say to that.
That's delusional.
Well, not just... It's very disrespectful, certainly, to say it.
Oh, for sure.
And very disordered to do it.
But also, it truly then just turns you into like a...
Like a piece of meat.
Like a piece of meat.
Like a sex doll.
Yeah, I'm not special at all.
Like he could put up a picture.
Yeah, and when he told me that, that was very near the end of our relationship, but it stuck in my head so hardcore.
I was like, so this whole time, I have not been anything much to you.
Understood.
Like, I get it.
So, yeah.
That was icky.
Very icky.
Very icky, to put it diplomatically.
That's just awful.
Okay, so you give him the boot, mercifully, and then...
And then that's it?
I mean, is that the moment where you say, all right, I gotta start getting out of this thing?
Or no, there's more?
I got out of porn.
I stopped doing porn actively.
Because at that point, I had made so much content, I was just like, I don't even care.
So just passive income?
Just passive income, truly.
I really started slowing down on things a little bit.
I just, I really needed some clarity after that relationship.
And I traveled a lot.
I went to Europe for the first time by myself.
I picked up some crazy hobbies like martial arts, speaking Japanese, bo-staffing, nunchucks, like weapons training and fight choreography.
It was very odd.
But again, I'm like, I'm an anime watcher and I love fight scenes.
So I was just like so enthralled in that world and I took martial arts as a kid and I just really wanted to get back into it.
So I started like spending time on my self-growth instead of growing someone else, you know, trying to be in a relationship.
Or even the porn thing.
One time, a friend of mine was making money streaming, playing video games.
Yeah.
I've done that.
You've done that too?
Okay, that's like a novel idea to me.
And he was making a lot of money.
And he said, well, I'm not going to do it anymore.
I said, why not?
It's free money, man.
If I got paid to smoke a cigar, actually I do kind of get paid to smoke a cigar, but that's a recent turn of events.
I do it all the time.
Right, I do it all the time though, right?
But he said, no, but the problem is, You spend a lot of time getting really good at playing the video game, and maybe you make some money doing it, but the skill is not transferable, and it doesn't lead to anything else.
It doesn't.
It's a total dead end.
Absolutely.
It's exactly like porn.
It's not a college degree.
You don't graduate from anything.
You don't learn anything.
You just wasted so much time on the internet.
Yeah.
That's it.
Porn is the exact same thing.
It is a waste of time.
The things that you're introduced to into porn, even if you don't go into mainstream porn or anything like signing with companies or whatever, which I never did.
You never did that?
Never did.
My thought process was, I want to be exclusive.
Again, I'd only had three partners in five years.
So I was like, I don't care if I'm offered a lot of money.
I'm already making great money and I don't want to be out there like that.
Even though I'm on the internet in that terrible fashion, I didn't want to be signed and then that stuff be used even if I didn't want it to be used.
Right.
OnlyFans is like my full control.
Whatever videos and pictures you made.
It's still leaked.
They're still circulating, right?
It's not like you can actually, yeah.
I can.
I actually have a lawyer working on that now for me because they can write legal letters to the sites that have leaked them and be like, it's stated in my OnlyFans that you cannot copy and repost this.
So they could get charged for that.
I'm literally working on that right now with my lawyer to get that stuff off the internet as much as I possibly can.
And it's free to me, you know what I'm saying?
They stole it and are liable for it.
You know what I'm saying?
You decided to stop actively making porn at this point, and you're not even posting pictures or anything?
I was, but it was just stuff that I had already had.
At that point, I had been on OnlyFans for almost four years.
So it's like four years of content that I didn't have to do anything.
I just throw it back.
It's recycling, but it's basically called.
And so I just kind of took a little bit of a break and was working the site, but not Making anything for it.
You know what I'm saying?
So, again, I just traveled.
I just wanted to learn a little bit.
Learn Japanese.
Yeah.
Ni hao.
Ni hao.
But that's Chinese.
We're all right.
Konnichiwa.
Watashi no namae wa analog desu.
Philadelphia rule.
Sensei.
So, and you do all this, and then, but you're alone, and you're not dating anyone.
So then what?
I met my husband, now Jordan. - So that was it, that was the next thing. - That was the next thing.
Some time had passed, obviously, but that was it.
Like that was like, I took a lot of time off and then we, I felt not whole, but I felt like I had gotten some healing and some real life experience to be able to, you know, meet somebody and create a relationship with them, a friendship meet somebody and create a relationship with them, a friendship with them.
And it was the opposite sex, but he had treated me in such a Right.
Really?
respectful way that I was able to respect him.
Right.
Like in no way that I've been able to anyone else, you know, because of the way he treated me was so loving, like true love.
Right.
And not about my body or what I looked like or what he could get from me.
He never asked for anything from me.
And he knew like everything from day one.
I told him like from day one, do you know I'm on OnlyFans?
Really?
Do you know I do this?
I wanted to be very open and honest.
Probably save some time, you know.
Well, if we were going to have anything I wanted this to be truthful.
I didn't want to go into anything in a lie.
I'm a very truthful person anyway.
Like, I was just like, hey, this is what it is.
If it doesn't work out, at least I don't know you for that long, and it won't hurt that bad.
Right?
So I wanted to just rip off the Band-Aid fairly fast.
His response was so nonchalant.
It was just basically like, OK.
All right.
All right.
And then— Did he know?
No, he hadn't known at that point.
Do you believe him?
He didn't know.
What's that?
Do you believe him?
That he didn't know?
Absolutely, absolutely.
He had no idea who I was, and was just kind of like crazed that I came in his life, kind of thing.
Was just like, who is this person, kind of thing.
And we've talked about it a couple times after, and just been like, going back to that point of when you met, kind of thing.
It's just so, it creates another spark again, you know?
You just get to really re-fall in love with them.
So, he had no idea until I told him, and you know, his first reaction was like, okay, cool.
But then, you know, as time came, questions started coming, and I was all like, bet, I knew questions were going to come, and I was very much so here to answer you, honestly, because I want you to know.
And so, you know, once we started kind of getting a little bit more serious, like, I was like, We need to really dive into this, you know what I'm saying?
But the whole time he was like sending me verses, like Bible verses, sending me videos of him saying like, hey, I'm praying for you.
I just, I want to just like be here for you no matter what.
You are my best friend.
No matter if this goes anywhere or not, we're best friends.
And he literally said this.
He was like, in 10 years, I'm going to prove you wrong.
Like I will be here in 10 years.
I have never had anyone in my life other than my family be there for me for 10 consecutive years.
So I was like, what?
What is this guy talking about?
This guy sounds great and I look forward to meeting him after the interview.
The only spot where I'd say maybe he and I see things differently is, this has been a debate with my wife.
I've known my wife since we were about 10 years old.
Yeah.
And she had a crush on me in eighth grade, but, you know, star crossed.
And then I had a crush on her in ninth grade, star crossed.
But then we got together and, you know, the whole story.
I love every moment that I spend with my wife.
Some married couples don't actually like spending time together.
No, my parents are one of them.
Apparently, yeah.
But she and I really do.
That said, she'll say, Mac, am I your best friend?
And I'll say, no, you're not my best friend.
My best friend is my best friend.
In other words, The best friend is an office in my life.
It is a role that I have in my life.
And my buddy is my best friend.
And maybe your best friend maybe is the best man in your wedding.
Maybe, you know, you're the godfather of each other's kids.
Maybe you're, you know, something like that.
But that that's a role.
And you, my dear, you are something in a way better than my best friend.
You're my wife.
Yeah.
And there are different types of love that involve friendship and erotic love and divine love and all these things.
But whatever it is, yours is a little bit different.
I promise you I do not love him in the way that I love you.
Right.
But for you and your husband, you would say, no, we are, I did marry my best friend.
Yes.
Okay.
The only reason being, because I think you can have different roles in a relationship.
You, in marriage specifically, like, you can be a mentor to that person as well.
You can be in a friendship, a best friend friendship, kind of with that person.
Because like, you're not always just like two lovebirds.
You go through things.
And the things that I find with my husband is that we take very long walks together.
And we love to talk about things.
And when he has an issue or something, he comes directly to me.
And when I have an issue, I go directly to him.
Like, we tell each other literally everything.
And that is like a best friend.
But also, he takes on other roles as being the protector, the provider.
And I'm here to be the nurturer, the homemaker, When I say emotional support, I am so thankful that God truly met me where I was because I now feel emotions.
It was crazy.
The minute God met me in my living room, I started feeling like it was crazy because it was a phenomenon of years and years and years of being numb and then feeling alone.
And it was like a puzzle piece with a piece missing.
And that piece was like the best part of it, you know, like the actual heart of it was gone.
And I had this moment with God where I was like, Feeling all of this, and I was sobbing in my living room.
Sobbing.
This was after I met Jordan, before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, but I was at my wit's end.
I had everything around me.
I lived in a 4,200 square foot home, which was like $3.5 million.
I drove a Porsche.
I had any designer bag that you could want.
I have a ginormous closet.
I have everything.
How much money do you have at this point?
At this point, I had grossed Nine million?
That is a lot of money.
Yeah.
But man, that was the biggest point in all of this, was like, money doesn't matter!
It did not bring me true joy.
Like, you can be happy, like, oh, I just got a new bag, cool, but that's not joy.
Like, the joy that the Lord gives you is like, well, one, He says it's your strength, but the joy that I have now Is nothing compared to worldly happiness.
Like, worldly things will tell you, like, oh, you need these things, truly, which is crap.
Materialistic things are crap, you know, for me.
That's how I feel.
Yeah, yeah, I don't, I tell you, I don't.
Offend anybody on that manner.
I mean, I like certain, actually, the main thing that I spend money on, I literally light on fire.
Yeah, and burns, it burns.
But otherwise, I don't, I really don't like it.
And, like, if I saw a woman, The thing you're describing is what I would say I don't like.
I have no desire to have a Porsche.
I have no desire to have a Prada handbag.
I guess most men don't.
And if I saw a woman walking around with rocks all over her hand and bags and a Porsche, I would actually find that repelling.
Absolutely.
And I got to look at myself in like this magnifying glass, or like God did, I want to say, like with a flashlight in the darkness, you know?
And I didn't understand what I was feeling, but I just knew it was like this outpour of emotion that I had not felt in such a long time.
So I was like, wow.
And what's crazy is I was in my living room, my huge living room, and a couple days prior, I had gotten my Bible out to sit on a shelf because I needed something in that shelving cabinet, and it was just out.
It was like an old Bible you had as a kid or more recently?
It was a Bible that I had since 2009.
It was a birthday gift from my parents.
So I wrote the date in and everything, which is why I remember that, but it was out, and I was sobbing in my living room.
And I just wanted an answer for why I was feeling this way, why I never felt anything, and like why my life just felt like it probably wasn't going to go anywhere.
Right?
At this point I'm like, what's the point of all this money when I don't have feelings?
Or I don't have a person.
Or I don't have kids.
I have nothing but materialistic things that are cold and sitting in my closet.
That will decay.
Absolutely.
Like, monetary worth is worth truly nothing.
But the special part is, is that like, I was sobbing, I was looking at my fireplace, I grabbed the Bible, and I just like sat there, and I was just like, I was praying.
I was just like, God.
I wasn't blaming God.
I was just like, God, why do I feel this way?
Like, what is it that I'm doing wrong?
Obviously, porn.
Bling, bling, bling.
What is it?
I just can't put my finger on it.
I can't put my finger on it.
But it was this special point where God decided to truly meet me where I was.
And it's not like he was far from me.
It was that I was far from him and that I was like, God, I need an answer now.
I truly need an answer now.
And he was like, all you ever needed was me.
So all I ever needed was him.
I literally not only saw that in my brain, but like heard it.
And that was all he needed to say to me for it to manifest and to sink into my heart and my brain.
And I just kept thinking that over and over and over again.
And it wasn't in that moment that I had truly repented or anything.
It was that I needed an answer.
And he gave me an answer.
It's funny about that answer.
St.
Thomas Aquinas, a very famous story about St.
Thomas Aquinas' life.
One of, if not the most intelligent person ever to walk the earth.
And he writes the Summa Theologiae and many other works.
And at the end of his life, it's a vision of God.
And God says, you have written well of me, Thomas.
What would you have?
What would you like me to give you?
And his answer is, nothing but you, Lord.
Wow.
And that's the same answer that you got.
Amen.
It's so amazing how simple God answers you and it speaks so much power in life.
It spoke life into me because I was like, at that point, I was like, okay, God, strip me now.
Like this is now time to like start peeling away the onion.
You know, it's going to make my eyes water, which I'm crying, but I need this stripped away.
No matter what this next part looks like, I am ready for because I know I need a change.
I cannot do this anymore.
So I told Jordan, my husband now, that I needed, I had that interaction with God.
He was so rejoiced, like had told his mom even about it.
And his mom is an amazing mother-in-law to me.
God is a full, full believer in Christ and has helped me in this journey so much by praying, giving me scripture, being there for me.
And it was truly a domino effect after that.
After that moment, we had went to a new church and it was crazy because God always provides because they were doing baptisms in that church.
This was the first Sunday we were going there.
They were doing baptisms and the baptisms were just ending when we got there.
I felt so heavily that God was telling me, go get baptized right now.
I was in jeans and like a collared shirt and I was like, I gotta go get baptized right now.
Like right this very second, I need to be saved.
I need to be rededicated to Christ.
Had you been baptized before?
Probably when I was like seven.
Something like that.
So many years ago.
But then, they were done baptizing people.
The guy was out of the pool.
I went over there in tears.
I was like, I need to get baptized.
Please baptize me.
They were just so sweet and so heartwarming and just took me in and they were like, here's a t-shirt, here's some shorts, like go get changed and we'll baptize you right now.
And I was like, thank you, Jesus.
So I got baptized and I want people to understand like when you truly accept Jesus in your heart, it is like a, you know, when Jesus died on the cross, the veil tore, correct?
Like it was the separation was now completely divided between like the old law, you know, is now no longer and that Jesus had covered everyone's sins in his blood.
So it was like this veil had torn.
I was like blinking and I was like, why does everything look different?
Like this is the same room, but it looks different.
And then when I go outside, the sun is even brighter and the trees are even greener.
And it is, I can smell.
And I was crying and I have feelings and I was like...
I'm shocked.
For the next couple of days, I spent just basically crying.
Like, I was so overwhelmed with emotion again, and I was okay with it.
It wasn't sadness.
It was just, I have so much emotion.
It wasn't like I'm PMSing.
It was true emotion, which anyone who out there wants to say I'm like on my period or something, it wasn't anything like that.
It was raw emotion and joy for What God had helped me get through and put the piece in the puzzle that was missing.
And again, I wasn't dating Jordan yet.
Like, we were still just best friends.
But he's there.
He's there.
He was recording and he hugged me right out of the pool.
I soaked him.
But he was there, full-heartedly leading me, telling me, like, I am so proud of you, Mama.
That's what he calls me, Mama.
And he is just so supportive in that.
And after that, my relationship with Christ continued.
And then I felt a big wang on my heart to delete my OnlyFans.
And to, it started kind of slow, but after that, like once the Holy Spirit, you know, comes inside you and like really resides with you, you really start feeling conviction for things that like are wicked inside of you.
And I asked God, like, what is it that I can do?
You know, every day it was like more my prayer, like, you know, what is it that I can do to be better?
What's curious about this to me is, you mentioned, well, at this point, you know, the Holy Spirit is with me, but obviously the Holy Spirit was there with you previously because he spoke to you.
Yes.
And you know, the traditional view, the reason I asked about if you had been baptized earlier is, the traditional view is that one is baptized once for the forgiveness of sins, but yet this second expression, you know, of the sacrament Clearly had a, at the very least, a psychological effect on you.
Meaning you said, oh, you know, because we're incarnate creatures, because the body matters, right?
So you're saying, I've come through this, I'm soaping wet, and I see in 3D now, and everything's vivid and colorful, and I feel God in an even closer way, but he was there talking to me before, and oh, right!
I've got to delete my OnlyFans.
So at this point, you still had your OnlyFans.
Yeah.
But you weren't producing new content, but it was still there.
Wasn't producing anything.
Making you money.
You know, the biggest thing about when I got baptized when I was seven was, one, I barely remember it, and two, I was seven.
Like, how many sins was I doing other than potentially lying to my parents about certain things and, like, you know, stealing a cookie?
But I was seven.
Like, I really don't remember being seven years old.
So, and it wasn't my relationship with Christ.
I remember my parents being like, oh, all their kids are getting baptized, you know, and that was it.
You know, I don't remember my baptism either.
Oh, okay.
I was about seven days old, I think.
Okay, well that explains it.
But maybe at some point I'll have a recollection.
It seems to me you're saying, I've lived this whole life and I felt that I didn't, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it seems like you're saying you felt you couldn't have a connection.
All these sins were accumulating and you felt no valve.
Well, sin, if you're living in sin, sin feels fine.
You don't feel convicted for it.
The Holy Spirit wasn't gone from me, I was not listening to the Holy Spirit.
And you were describing severing sanctifying grace, right?
And you just kind of go along with it, and you're like, oh well.
Oh well, it feels good.
Pleasure and sin feels good for a time, right?
It, like, when that veil, like, tore, it was my relationship with Christ.
Like, it wasn't me being seven years old because my parents told me to get baptized kind of relationship.
It was, I choose Christ.
I choose to believe in Jesus Christ.
That He died on the cross for my sins.
Father, I'm sorry for my past.
I'm sorry for what I'm currently doing, and I'm sorry for my future sins.
But that's the amazing thing about Christ, is because He died on the cross for not just our past sins, but our present and future sins.
Like, He knew we were gonna mess up over and over and over and over again.
But it's not like a one-time, I'm sorry.
It is a, you repent, and then you listen to the Holy Spirit to live in Christ's steps.
It is not like, I'm forgiven, go back.
Right.
It is not that at all.
In antiquity, sometimes emperors and rulers would delay baptism because, you know, there are seven sacraments traditionally in the church, one of which is reconciliation, confession, you know, you get on your knees and you receive absolution, but baptism.
But in antiquity, sometimes baptism would be delayed or confession would be delayed.
For what reason?
Because there was a sense that You know, you couldn't really do it all the time.
If you're a Roman emperor, say, you might be doing some bad things.
It might happen.
And so there is kind of a sense of, alright, I'm going to delay this a little bit.
At least that's how we think of it historically.
But to your point, no.
You receive baptism, and you've repented, and you've changed your mind, but there's still going to be an inclination to commit sins, and you actually almost certainly will commit sins.
Absolutely.
The Catholic traditional view is that there's the sacrament of reconciliation, but even if you ignore the sacramental view for a second, it's like a continual repentance, that you're living in a new way.
Right, and you are made very aware of your sins because the Holy Spirit is with you and convicting you of them.
But it's not like, oh I messed up and now I've already asked for forgiveness, I will not be forgiven.
You need to continue asking for forgiveness and growth and ask God to help you grow in the areas that you continue to sin in.
Whether it be sexual, or lying, or hopefully not murdering people, like, God help me, he's not murdering people.
Many women have.
For abortion, right?
Oh my gosh.
And many are not even aware of it.
Absolutely.
Oh, that's a topic.
Yeah, but I mean it's in a way where you really, you could do it, you could not You could be only vaguely aware that you're doing it and then... Right, but it's being downplayed so much in your brain because you don't want to believe it.
Right.
That you're actually doing that.
But then, you know, imagine the horror.
You wake up and you think, oh man, I... Have murdered four babies.
And they're my babies, too.
And that, you know, so... There's really no...
No limit.
I mean, this is partially why it's a quirk of history that many of the greatest saints thought they were the worst sinners.
And we look at them and we say, oh, you were wrong.
But actually, probably they had a better perception of sin.
They do.
When you live under Christ's ruling, you understand and you see sin for what it is.
Like when Paul says, I'm the cheapest of sinners, I feel very similar to that because of what I was doing, what I have done.
I'm like, wow, I'm such a sinner.
I feel below dirt.
So then what do you do with You've been living this particular lifestyle and cultivating all sorts of habits and tastes and desires, even put the sex stuff aside, for the handbags and the Porsche and the money or whatever.
How much money are you walking away from at this point?
Wow, not a lot, especially after taxes.
So I haven't paid taxes this year yet, but I made like $2.6 million last year, so I have to pay taxes on that.
So that'll be fun.
Thankfully, I was very smart with my money since the beginning, as in investing it in a brokerage account, life insurance policy, stuff like that.
I was very in tune with that part because I do know so many people, when they make money like this, they blow it.
And I could never understand why.
But a lot of my reasoning for doing this, making this kind of money, was like, oh, I'm providing for my future.
But I mean even, so look, you're walking away from a lot of money.
But also, you've cultivated all these habits and desires over the years.
I'm just speaking from my own experience.
I was an atheist for 10 years, lived like kind of a, you know, not a liberal, but like a libertarian.
So, you know, you do you kind of stuff.
Go out, hit the bar, hit the parties.
It's very difficult to tamp down a bad habit.
And it's very difficult to cultivate virtue.
I definitely have an opinion on that.
So, it's not even an opinion.
I think that when Christ really saved me, or when I accepted Jesus into my heart, those bad habits, like, got cut.
It was crazy.
Did they disappear?
Yes.
Really?
Yes.
That's impressive.
I know that's crazy to think of, but when you're living fully in sin, and then you get saved it is literally black and white you know what i'm saying i i find those things repelling now yeah if i overnight even oh i'd say it took like a full month of really because like i was asking god like okay like in psalm 139
it talks about instead of calling out what's wrong with your neighbor and asking god like fix my neighbor ask what like is wrong with you kind of thing but like where's like draw the wickedness in my heart so that i can get closer So that's what I was doing, and he spoke to me, even down to my clothing.
I was like, I need to be more modest.
Like, I am not here to make others lust.
Like, not even just online, but when I walk in person and in public, I need to be modest.
And that was something I could never capture in my brain.
But like, now it is so, I'm so aware of it.
Like, I find myself, like, even when I'm shopping online, I'm so critical of it.
Like, I love it.
I'm so happy about these, like, changes.
I literally sold all of my designer bags.
I sold my Porsche.
I literally drive a Jeep now.
I'm very, very happy.
It's a great car.
I love that car.
I'm an off-road girl, so I love it.
But, um... It's funny you mentioned the clothing.
I remember I was, like, 13.
I was taking a standardized test in school.
Love those.
And all these girls in class, at this time, the solo company had these very tight pants that all the girls started wearing.
It's like they were wearing tights, but it was supposedly pants.
Pants.
And I remember, I'm looking around, we're all trying to take this test, and I said, I have an unfair disadvantage here.
Because all these girls are like barely wearing anything.
It's all like the skin tight stuff.
And I'm a boy in puberty.
I'm a teenage boy.
And I'm going to be, they're not distracted by my, you know, like leather jacket.
But I am very distracted.
This is wrong.
This is wrong for them to do this.
I don't think they did it intentionally.
No, I love that point of view, though.
I'm so interested in the male point of view, you know, because it talks about how, like, men fall in love because they're seeing.
Women fall in love because they're hearing.
Right, right.
Right?
So, like, that's why women wear makeup.
They dress nice.
They want to be appealing to the eyes of men.
Correct?
So, like, and women can be Fooled by men sometimes by what they say.
You say women fall in love because they're hearing.
Well, this justifies all my cigars over the years, you know, so I can deepen my voice a little.
I've actually, I've always understood that men are more visual, but I'd never understood that about women.
I think so.
Well, think about, like, words of affirmation.
Like, women want to be told they're beautiful and blah, blah, blah.
Like, does it really matter to you very much about if, like, your wife calls you handsome?
I'm sure it means something.
Sexy all the time.
If she needs to wake me up, she says, hey, hunk, Get over here, you sexy you.
Come open this bottle of pickles for me, you gay alpha male.
I want to hear that every day.
It's not top on the list.
We care, women care about what a man looks like, but it's not like what we fall in love with, right?
Like the swooning of it all.
Right, right.
That's a great insight.
I'm impressed by the notion that the bad habits go away overnight.
For me, I had a kind of a rat... When you say I had this moment, like in my room, where the... I had a very similar experience.
Really?
I was in New York.
I was in the Bronx, actually.
It was kind of the culmination of a few things.
But then there really was this moment.
I called my grandmother.
I said, I just had an epiphany.
I went home and I made a sauce.
I was just kind of processing everything and opened up a Bible and it was one of those moments.
But there was a disconnect for me between intellectual conviction.
Like logic.
Yeah, logic and seeing things differently.
The world actually looked different.
But the fact that I cultivated certain habits and desires, especially living in New York where everyone goes out and parties and drinks and gallivants all night.
The habits were a little slower than the intellect, which is a view that Aristotle observed way back when, which is that you learn the intellectual virtues through teaching, but the moral virtues, you've got to kind of just do them, and it takes a little time.
Now, we're talking about a reversion that was ten years ago for me.
So, happy to say, you know, I feel much more in control of my Will now but at first I felt actually something of a chasm between what I now saw to be true incontrovertibly and my own behavior or at the very least my own desires.
Understood.
But not for you.
So I it's funny you speak about logic because I went through this very tough point before my OnlyFans was gone was that I'm thinking, I'm trying to think logically and spiritually, right?
So I'm a baby Christian again, and I'm like, but I need to make money.
Logic.
You know, you need to be financially stable somewhat.
That's my logical side.
But then there's your spiritual side.
You might, maybe not retire, but you could take a few months off.
Not retire for sure, but for sure, maybe, maybe a year.
Yeah.
But for me, that was my logic, my humanly logic, being like, oh, I need to make money, this fear almost about the future and what it looked like without this kind of finances.
And so this is what I encourage other women in, because I've had quite a few women after I came out of OnlyFans being like, hey, how do I quit OnlyFans?
And I know this is something they're thinking about.
Finances.
This is the whole point of getting on OnlyFans, is for finances, correct?
Well, is it?
Oh, okay.
I think it's a very split conversation there, but like, attention and finances.
Feeling loved that you didn't have.
Feeling loved.
Whatever rebellion they're coming out of or going into, yes, for sure.
But finances are a key factor, right?
Because I don't know anyone who is in the OnlyFans industry doing it for free.
I don't know one person.
I really don't.
So, uh, but, um, for me, that was the logic side.
And then there's the spiritual side where God is literally telling me to let it go and let God, but I don't mean that as a cliche, but like, how can he bless me when I'm holding onto the things of this world and yet proclaiming to be a Christian?
You know, how can I be wearing Sinful looking, immodest clothing and being like, I live for Christ.
When other men are watching me on the, like when I would just walk into Walmart or something and lusting after me.
Like I couldn't help it if I'm wearing baggy clothes and they're like, wow, I don't know how that would work.
But like, if I'm just wearing baggy clothes and I'm just, you know, chilling and they're lusting, that's not my fault.
I've done everything at that point to cover myself and be modest.
But it's funny, logic does not always align with the spiritual.
And it just doesn't.
I find that it does.
In the opening lines of the Gospel of St.
John, in the beginning was the Logos, the Word.
And the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
But the word for word there is Logos, from which we get logical.
So at least in my view, I'm not a theologian, but it seems to me that reason and faith are in fact united, and certainly in Christianity.
And so if there ever appears to be a discrepancy between the two, you've got an error in one or the other.
So I'm not disputing the feeling that you're describing, but it does seem to me that, like, there's a modern poem, I forget the name and who wrote it, that observes that Sin is so much, there's all this suffering and all this terrible stuff, but it's just so stupid.
It's such a waste of time.
It's so illogical.
If you can think about sins, especially like the weird sex stuff, and you can just kind of zoom out, take the pain and the suffering and just kind of look at it.
People look absurd, right?
It's like a guy in his dark room with a lot of blinds looking at you, making a funny face.
It's so illogical.
It's so absurd.
And our Lord, when you read the Scriptures, and especially when you read His words in the Gospels, I don't know, it strikes me as this is the most logical man that's ever lived.
I agree with that point of view completely.
Like, yes, this makes sense.
It's logical when I'm reading in the Bible and then applying it to my life and it's working.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
That's logical, absolutely.
But what I'm saying is there were people who I came to I was like, I'm going to be quitting OnlyFans.
Friends of mine who were like, that's not logical.
You're not even producing content on it, but you're making money.
It's not logical.
It's free money.
That's exactly what I heard.
So when I compare logic, that was their logic.
But theirs is the logic of the free lunch.
There's no such thing as a free lunch.
Always strings attached, or like, you know, the cafeteria lady has hair in it.
You know what I mean?
Like, that is the free lunch.
But I understand, if I were in your shoes, I would have been very tempted to say, look, I already made this stuff.
It's already out there.
It's free money.
I was tempted, but then I really had to pray about it and was like, I'm struggling with this God.
This is my logic about it, but it is not what God has for my life.
This is not what God calls a woman of God doing at all.
Truly diving into Christ and His love and modesty and learning what a wife looks like, like a Proverbs 31 woman, you know, in God's eyes.
And getting closer to God by reading my Bible and praying.
And I have, through that time, gotten to know God on such a level of deepness that is Again, continues to change my life.
It directs my decision making in such an amazing way.
Because, you know, God says, or in the Bible it talks about how you're supposed to put God first in everything.
And I think that's very true because it's the first thing I do when I wake up.
I speak to God.
Like, the first thing I do before I am on my phone or anything, it's inviting God into my day.
The first thing I do before I eat, you know, I pray.
I thank God for just this food in front of me, whether it's fried or not, you know, I'm like, thank you.
So, but it's in every step of your life, you're supposed to put God in it, and He will direct your path.
Like, it's crazy how real that actually is.
When I could not make A decision by myself that didn't lead me to harm, you know?
When I was making decisions, it led me to so much hurt and harm and numbness when I ask him to make the decision for me.
It's not that he's like, I'm like a puppet.
It is that I am reaching out to him for help and guidance first, and he gives it, so.
Do not two sparrows sell for a farthing, and yet a sparrow does not fall.
I love your watch, honestly.
The way that you speak is so great.
You have so much book knowledge, which I really love here.
But that's the point that you're describing, and it's right there in Scripture, which is, you're worth a lot more than a sparrow.
And these things all fall in Providence.
More than precious rubies, the Bible says.
The Proverbs woman.
She's more than precious rubies.
You have ruby-colored hair.
Yes, I do!
Which I know is controversial to some people.
So I was actually going to mention, I had an odd experience, Nala, which is that I really, not only was I not familiar with your past career, but I wasn't even really familiar with the story of your conversion, this wonderful story.
I just wasn't aware of it.
I'm interviewing someone, and I mentioned how there have been a couple people in the chat of my show.
So we're talking about people who are full members, who are commenting every day, who worked in varying degrees of pornography, and who kind of came out of it.
And I was thinking of one person in particular who, you know, I've just sort of interacted with in the show and maybe on Twitter a little bit.
But this person I was interviewing, Pearl Davis, I think she thought I was talking about you.
Yes.
I got that vibe very heavily when I watched the interview.
So she never said your name, and I didn't know who you were.
But she's saying, oh, that person is a fake.
She didn't really get out.
And I'm thinking of this other person from my chat.
I said, I don't know, I'm pretty sure I've followed this person.
I just love that you're on such a different wavelength.
We're talking about totally different things.
And then later, maybe she or you, someone had posted about this.
And I said, oh, it's about this girl.
OK.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe she's a fake.
Maybe I don't know anything about her.
But then I kind of looked into it a little bit.
Now we've been chatting for, I don't know, 10 hours.
And it feels like 10 minutes.
Feels like five minutes.
Right.
And you seem sincere.
It totally seems real.
I feel like that's to test the spirits.
You know, we are asked to test the spirits and look at the fruit of the spirit and not to judge that person.
Like a true Christian, a true believer of Christ will watch and observe and listen and not jump to a conclusion.
I had a very big, I wouldn't say issue, but I just, I had a It was a very controversial video that she made about me, and I had to just pray.
I needed to pray because I felt like I was getting heated about it, and that wasn't the right attitude to have at all.
I really wanted to respond more in kindness than anything.
That is the time to put away Twitter or XNow.
The moment you start to actually get angry, put it away.
Put it away.
I deleted my Twitter.
I don't have Twitter.
I didn't know I was being spoken about on Twitter at all.
I had just watched her YouTube video on me and I couldn't even finish it because there were so many Loose ends, and I don't want to say it this way, but lies, outright lies being said about me that I felt the need to correct, but that was like my flesh.
My flesh was like, oh, you know, that's wrong.
Like, I don't know why I'm being perceived this way by this woman who's never spoken to me, never reached out to me, and I am only now in her eye because of my change, right?
And she does say that she's a Catholic, Yeah, I don't know that she assents to the doctrines of the Catholic faith, but as we discussed, I mean, one can go back and watch the interview, but at the very least, she said this thing.
I really don't mean to beat up on her for it because a lot of people say this, but she said, like, look, I was raised Catholic.
I went to Catholic school.
But, you know, and the minute you ever hear that preface, you can be 100% certain you were about to hear the least Catholic thing you ever heard in your life.
Absolutely!
Now listen here, I met the nuns once when I was in eighth grade, and so anyway.
I was raised as a monk, but!
So I was very confused when I saw it, but I said, I ought to keep an open mind.
Who knows, there are charlatans out there.
I think you have a very good attitude about it, and it's an attitude that I've tried to take, which is, you know, our Lord, when He's on trial, and they're making up all this stuff about Him.
He just doesn't say anything.
He's silent.
He's silent.
So this is my theory about it.
So when someone has a hot cup of coffee, and they spill it all over themselves, but you're right next to them, and a little bit gets on you, are you more concerned with that tiny bit of coffee spilt on you, or how they are burning right now?
Which one are you more concerned about?
And that's how I feel about this situation.
I can be upset about that little bit of coffee on me that's barely burning me, but still got on me, maybe got on my shirt, and I'm like, ah!
But that person is in pain.
That person doesn't know what they're doing.
Lord, forgive them.
That's my only answer to this at the moment because my flesh wants to be upset because of the false accusations, but I can't be upset.
My spirit cannot hold that against her because I feel as though she may be lost and maybe hasn't received love like that, like the I have received from Christ.
Sure, yeah.
Like, maybe hasn't been able to experience or hasn't experienced it yet.
Yeah.
Or, you know, a long time.
And our Lord says this too, you know, don't worry about what goes into the mouth, but care much more about what comes out of the mouth.
And this is... It's a pure representation of what's in your heart.
Yeah.
I mean, in the Gorgias, Socrates, another wise figure, not
Kind of, you know, I think he and Plato and Aristotle actually kind of intuited a lot of Christianity, even though they come before, but Socrates says it's much worse to do an injustice to someone than to experience an injustice, because the one is just a fact of life, you know, we all suffer and everything, it hurts maybe your corruptible flesh, but to commit an injustice harms your soul.
Right.
It does.
I just heard that the other day, too, and it was crazy.
Like, I was like, wow.
Like, again, that's why you're supposed to turn the other cheek.
You know, I'd rather be slapped again than hit you back, because one, I can hit very hard.
And I'm just kidding.
Right.
And you do, you throw spears.
Martial arts.
Bow-staffing is like spitting me.
Bow-staffing, yeah, yeah, okay.
Yeah.
But like, again, yeah, we are not here to harm people, but to show them God's love.
And love does not smack.
But does it bother you?
So you're not smacking, which is good, but does it bother you when they say, you're a big fake, this whole thing is just about getting attention, you realized OnlyFans was coming to an end, and now you want to get married, and it's all so convenient, you're a big fake.
Does it bother you?
It makes me giggle, actually, because, again, I know what the Bible says about, you know, those who judge, and I have been set free, not by them, but by Christ.
Christ set me free, like Jesus of Nazareth.
You know, that's the God I believe in, you know.
Um, I have been set free from that.
So I can understand why people think that, you know, I was either at my wit's end or whatever it may be.
Yes, I was for sure.
But I knew that I couldn't do it on my own.
And you should be looking at the fruit of the spirit.
What is the fruit that I'm producing right now?
Is it bitter and dying?
Or is the fruit that I'm producing sweet?
And is it growing in the soil that I am in right now?
Right.
You know, which one is it?
You know what I'm saying?
So these changes that I'm talking about making, like modesty, and I'm now married, which so many people think that it was more impossible for me to get married.
That seems to me kind of like the proof that it's all real, right?
You did just get, and we get to break some news.
That's fabulous.
I'm very thankful.
That's an amazing thing.
So, I don't know.
I don't know what else you can do.
You know, I don't mind judgment because the world hated—the Bible says this, and it's such a great reminder that, like, don't worry about them, the world, if they hate you, because they hated me first.
That gives me so much strength inside.
They hated my Jesus first, and I don't care if you hate me.
I would have more of a problem if everyone was accepting me.
I would really have a problem with it, because who, why?
Why would they all accept me?
You know what I'm saying?
So I must not be doing something right if everyone's accepting me for this change.
It's definitely stirring something in people's hearts, whether they can explain it or not.
But I'm here to say, your explanation is Christ.
Go to Christ.
If you really believe that I am fake, you go to Christ with that.
You know what I'm saying?
And you should be praying for me.
It's okay if you can't, but, you know, if you genuinely believe in your heart, soul, and mind— Why can't you?
Hold on, what do you mean it's okay if you can't?
Why can't you?
Can't you what?
Why couldn't one pray for you?
You said it's okay if you can't.
No, they can't.
But if they physically cannot pray for me, that's okay.
I don't, you know, I'm praying for myself, for sure.
And I have amazing people like my mother-in-law praying for me and my husband.
So, like, I have trouble praying for my dad, if I'm being so honest.
Yeah, of course.
This fact that they're now getting divorced again, it's hard.
It is so hard to pray for him, because I'm like, I don't want to go into it directly, but he's caused so much hurt in my family that has deeply affected me, and it is hard to not forgive as much as pray for him.
Like, I'm almost speechless at the throne of God.
I'm like, God, you know my heart.
It is hurting.
How should I pray?
You know, it's awesome to be able to ask our Father, like, how do I pray about this?
You know, give me patience and mercy and kindness towards this man.
Who is my earthly father, not my heavenly father.
So that's what has helped separate it for me, is that this is my earthly father.
He will sin.
He will continue to sin.
He will continue to mess up.
But I want him to have the interaction with God that I have.
Not the exact one, but that Overwhelming love, that agape love, that unconditional love that Christ has for us and that people cannot give.
People cannot give that.
You know what I'm saying?
I do, and as you describe it, it doesn't make it less painful.
It doesn't, but pain is so beautiful because it's all Look, we're a creation of Christ.
We were given these feelings.
What would it be like if we were just walking bodies and not have anything else, like joy or peace or anger even, happiness, sadness.
It's all so beautiful and part of His plan.
But He wants us to come to Him for everything that we're going through.
Man, I can't stop smiling about it because there is pain going on in my life that hurts, but the minute I even think about Christ, I am so overwhelmingly happy.
Joyful, I should say, because I know that God's going to help me get through it.
It's crazy.
When I had given my life to Christ, so much had happened.
My parents got divorced.
I got into a car accident.
I found out some crazy things.
I don't really want to mention right now, but some crazy stuff happened.
But amazing things happened on top of that.
I reconnected with all four of my siblings, and we're all speaking and have a really good relationship now.
Everything that I was going through had an answer.
God provided the answer.
My car accident, it wasn't even my fault.
But I got hit, and God provided an answer.
And I wanted to move to South Carolina.
I was praying about it and praying about it.
God provided a way out of California safely.
Like, it was crazy because no one could have ever given me these answers except for Christ.
You know, of course I could have done it on my own will, but it wouldn't have been I feel like it would have been more harmful.
Yeah, right.
It's not grounded.
From my past, you can see how harmful I can be to myself.
You know, I'm not self-cutting or anything like that, but I am, like, going deeper and deeper in this, like, numbness hole.
Yeah.
You know?
Which is obviously very destructive.
I mean, it was very destructive.
Alienating.
You don't feel anything.
What do you have to lose?
You know? - Right. - Like after you've lost everything, they're like, wow.
It's like Homelander.
Have you seen "The Boys"?
There's this point in that movie where he's like Superman, right?
He's like, he tells the girl, if I lose everything, if you tell the world that I'm this evil person, really, I have nothing to lose and I will take this world down.
I felt exactly that way.
Man, if I keep pushing, I will take it all down.
Nothing matters at that point.
My life doesn't even have purpose.
That's the scariest place I've ever been in my life.
It wasn't suicidal at all.
At all.
I've never felt suicidal.
It was homicidal.
Potentially, honestly.
But it was, it was crazy.
I didn't hate people, but I just, I didn't feel anything.
You didn't like them either?
Mm-hmm.
Nope, I did not.
I just, I didn't feel like anyone could relate to me.
You know, I'm just like this wild, crazy redhead, you know?
Right.
Yeah, very, very alienating.
Yes.
So then what, you've gone through all of this, and it's all very fresh, and you've been married for three days, and...
So what now?
Wow!
You know, the biggest thing is that I'm just trusting in God and His will for my life and not jumping ahead of the gun.
That logic that I'm talking about, like not working in my own strength, but working with God's strength.
I will continue to get closer to God.
I'm still like a baby Christian, but I'm ready for some meat now.
Like, you know, I know what God can do.
I've seen it.
Like, let's keep moving forward in this relationship.
The biggest way I like to describe it is like, when you go to church once a week for a couple hours, and you call that a relationship with Christ, what if we compared that to a human?
You only saw that human a couple hours a week on Sunday.
Would you have a very good relationship with that person?
No, you wouldn't.
Absolutely not.
But if you spend time with God every single day, reading your Bible, maybe for even 5-10 minutes a day, you are still actively getting to know your Creator.
So that's my biggest goal, is to continue getting closer with Christ, letting Him be the ruler of my thoughts, my decisions, my actions.
Learning how to be a wife.
Like, I'm so thankful that the Bible has this amazing set of direction in how to be a godly wife.
And I'm looking forward to learning that.
And it's not like a set of rules, but it's like direction.
And that will help me have a better relationship with my husband now.
So, being a better wife, learning to cook a couple more things.
We are actually starting a TikTok agency.
We just started it.
It's called Rebel.
We want to, we're like a Christian-based agency, but we want to help other creators.
And my biggest purpose for it was like, there's a lot of OnlyFans girls reaching out to me being like, okay, I'm gonna quit OnlyFans, but, like, what are you doing now to make money?
And I just go live on TikTok now, and I actually talk about God, you know?
And I make pretty decent money on that.
It's nothing like millions at all, but it is sufficient.
You know what I'm saying?
And I'm very thankful for that.
It's not Porsche money, but it's Honda Accord money.
Let's go!
It's Jeep Wrangler Rubicon.
Jeep Wrangler.
Okay, that's good.
That's a great car.
So, we started this agency, we started this clothing line called Be The Change.
And it all starts with you, kind of thing.
That's the slogan of it.
But it could not apply more to me and him, like in his testimony.
But my testimony is truly be the change that you want to see.
And I could have been like, oh, I got saved and continued to be on OnlyFans, continued to be in Modest, continued to speak and act and walk like the world.
But I had to be the change.
You know, I had to be.
It just would have been insincere.
Absolutely.
No one would have believed me.
But it's not about people believing me.
It's truly about my walk with God.
Right.
But it would have been fruitless.
Absolutely.
So, yes sir.
That's beautiful because I've interviewed a couple times a friend of mine who was a guy, he was a guy in the porn industry and he says, last time I talked to him I think he said 32 or 34 of the women he knew when he was working in porn have killed themselves.
Yep.
I know a few people.
They weren't like my best friends or anything but like I met them in person and then got that news and I was like, You really get to see how dark it is.
Yeah.
And it's so scary.
Like, I went into a world where I did not know I was going to see and hear and do things that I never would have thought I would have ever experienced.
And it's so scary.
You are not ready for that as a human.
Yeah.
At all.
It doesn't matter what it is, you're not ready for that.
Right.
At all.
I remember, again, not having ever done porn, but the more I would, you know, sin in my wayward youth, the kind of The more you lose your innocence.
You do?
Your purity.
The truism.
You see things, the existence of which you didn't even understand, or the presence of which you didn't even understand.
I think that's what you're describing here.
From what I've heard, from people who have been in the industry, the story almost always ends very badly.
Do you have any advice for girls who are considering that career path?
Oh absolutely.
Run?
Run, absolutely, but reach out to...
One, you can always reach out to me.
My platforms are very open and available for that purpose right now, for sure.
I receive messages from women all the time on TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook, very actively, almost every single day, talking about this situation, this problem that they're going through.
I would love to help in any way that I could, but the biggest thing is realizing that you will be going down a path that is something you cannot, You can't take back.
And, like, the money should not be the drive at all.
Like, if you're looking for money, there are great jobs out there that you don't need a college education for going on live with TikTok.
And that was the biggest point of me starting this agency with my husband is that I want to help other women who are like, I need to make some money.
I'm thinking about OnlyFans.
You know, go live on TikTok.
Like, there are so many amazing things that our society has right now to utilize for making money that you don't need to go to school for.
You don't need to work a nine-to-five for.
It is your own schedule.
But it's not worth it.
And if I could shake myself five years ago, I would.
I would absolutely shake her and just tell her how worth it she is.
Because I feel like these people, even considering going in, There's something going on in your heart and mind and your spirit that's, like, disturbed.
Yeah.
Or you are, you're hurting, or you're insecure, or you're lost completely, and just, this looks easy.
It's easy, but it's...
Hard.
The price you pay is not worth the money.
It is not, because there was this moment I had in New York.
I love New York, but I had just gone on a huge shopping spree when I was in OnlyFans, and I came back to my hotel room completely alone, and I had all this stuff around me.
I sat on my bed.
It was like looking out the window, and it was dark out.
I could not have felt more alone in my life.
I was like, Looking at all this crap, and I was like, it brings me no joy.
In the moment of purchasing it, I was like, little adrenaline rush, little dopamine high, but then I have it and it's nothing.
It does not hug me.
It does not hold me.
It does not warm me.
It's often not even that nice.
Love me.
Facts.
So, it's so important to realize your worth and I'm here to tell them, you have worth.
Even if you don't know me and I don't know you personally, you are worth it because God created you.
God says that you are beautifully and wonderfully made.
Like, you are His creation.
God did not intend for us to do this with our bodies.
To help others sin and get lost.
It's not just about you at this point.
When you put yourself out there like that, you are actively putting men at risk.
Do you feel bad about the guys?
Yes.
Oh my gosh, yes.
I want to cry because I've thought about this so heavily because of what I've made them do.
I can't take it back.
And that's the worst thing about this because you do.
When you realize it, you cannot take it back.
Right.
And it's, I really want to start crying.
It's like, like I helped you do that.
I helped you destroy yourself.
And you paid a price for it, which is even worse.
Like.
Well, literal, like a financial price.
Financial price for it.
And it felt so innocent in my head at the time.
Like, I didn't think anything of it.
But now that, like, I have accepted Jesus in my heart.
It's like this heaviness.
God's not condemning me for it.
No, no.
But it's conviction for sure.
And you're recognizing something that is sometimes missing in the feel-good religion, which is either missing the point of absolution, total absolution given to you by God, Or missing the simultaneous reality, which is the temporal effects owing to sin.
Yes.
That still exists.
It does.
And you can't take it back.
You can receive total absolution.
Forgiveness, yes.
And repentance.
But there is still the temporal effects of sin.
And that's just reality.
It is.
You can't hold that against yourself.
But because God has forgiven you once you ask for forgiveness.
Not ultimately.
Yes.
God's not sitting there being like, I remember.
No.
God puts it in a sea of forgiveness and forgetfulness because it's not like he's holding that over you.
But we have brains.
We know.
We understand what we did is wrong.
It has social consequences.
It does.
Actions always have consequences.
It doesn't matter if it's a bad action or a good action, it will have a consequence, no matter if that consequence is good or bad.
It has a consequence.
You know, there's a domino effect.
But I wish I could tell them I'm sorry.
And if this is my opportunity to, like, I'm so sorry.
Like, I helped damage you.
You are not damaged, but I helped cause, like, a collision.
You know, a disassociation to what love is.
Your attention span might be off now.
You cannot have a relationship now.
Whatever it may be that they're really struggling with, I feel as though I have a part to play in that, and it really hurts my heart and my mind.
I'm a very empathetic person now, so it's a reality that's harsh.
Again, that goes back to speaking to young women.
Like, don't.
Just don't do it because the feelings I feel for it now is a burden.
It's a burden.
That's the thing about temptation.
It's very tempting.
It is.
And it feels good at first, for sure.
Right.
But look at Adam and Eve in the garden.
You know, it's tempting.
That delicious apple.
Yep.
Succulent, delicious apple.
When you had so many around you already that would suffice, be more than sufficient for you.
And yet, you now are aware of your shame and your nakedness.
And you're like, I have to cover.
That's exactly how I feel.
Like, shameful.
Like, when I think about the Whatever podcast and what I said on it, I cannot even believe that's me.
You know, it's like an alternate reality.
I'm like, What?
I said that?
What was I even feeling at the time?
And when I did post that, when that got posted, I had just gotten out of that toxic relationship.
And I had found out that he had cheated on me a few times.
And so my anger was heated.
It was boiling.
The pot was screaming kind of thing.
Like I wanted to hurt.
Because I was so broken, and I was just like...
At this point, I didn't think I had anything to lose, but now I really don't have anything to lose.
Right.
So, like, I just couldn't understand why I couldn't hold on to anything.
Everything I was trying to keep was literally slipping through my fingers like sand.
Like, in that portion of my life, I was like, I can't hold on to anything.
Like, it all leaves me, you know?
But Christ's love stayed, you know?
And I'm a new creature in Christ, so.
Very refreshing to hear a story like this that has a happy ending.
A great line from St.
John Vianney, which is, the saints did not all start well, but they all ended well.
In heaven, yeah.
Their deaths were horrible, absolutely horrible, but yeah.
They all ended well.
Yeah.
Spiritually, yes.
Like their soul went to heaven, but their physical bodies not so much.
But in the middle here of your journey, probably you've been earlier than the middle.
You're very young.
Nice to see that turning point, and marvelous to chat with you.
