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Nov. 25, 2022 - The Michael Knowles Show
16:40
FACE-OFF: Riddle Showdown | Andrew Klavan Vs Michael Knowles

In honor of Andrew Klavan's new book "A Strange Habit of Mind, the second book in the Cameron Winter Mysteries" we will put Klavan's literary prowess to the test in the ultimate riddle challenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome back to the Ultimate Intellectual Arena.
Face-off exclusively on The Michael Knowles Show, where modern-day gladiators engage in a bragging rights fight to the death on the topics that truly matter.
I'm Ben Davies, and I am the guy who reads the cards today for your five-time defending champion, your host, Michael Knowles.
It's great, as always, to be introduced as the host of a show by a guy who is sort of the host, but not.
I'm the host, anyway.
And I'm here to defend and protect my record.
When you want to protect your home, you've got to check out Ring.
More from them later.
But Ben, against whom am I competing?
Well, this challenger is the only man who has been right about everything, who has read every book since he was alive to proofread their work.
He is the sexy Gandalf himself.
Andrew Klavan.
Oh, thank you, Ben.
You know, I hate people who make excuses for these things, but I do want to say that I will be playing with an open gunshot wound that I received rescuing a child from gangsters and will be going directly from here to the hospital.
So Knowles beats me.
That may be why.
Maybe because I'm bleeding out.
No, absolutely fair.
And Ben, I believe the topic this time is riddles.
Yeah, well, with Michael being undefeated and Klavan being a true master of words, poems, and hidden meanings, we are going to engage in the classic battle of wits.
This is Face Off, Riddle Edition.
Just so you know, you will have 20 seconds, gentlemen.
20.
20 seconds to give your answer.
You will have one reread so we can get through all these.
Are you ready?
I guess I'm ready.
Though, Ben, I have to say, this is not fair since Drew actually was present when the Sphinx was built and so has a very long-standing relationship with riddles.
That is the last riddle I've done, so I'm out of practice.
The first riddle.
What is always in front of you, but cannot be seen?
I'm really torn between giving a real answer and just a joke answer to every one of these, but I'll give the one that I think is right.
As expected, you guys beat the clock.
What did you put, Michael?
The future.
Drew?
Same thing as a tomorrow.
The correct answer is the future or tomorrow.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
Alright, the next one.
This is a little bit longer.
I am something people love or hate.
I change people's appearances and thoughts.
If a person takes care of themself, I will go even higher.
To some people, I will fool them.
To others, I'm a mystery.
Some people might try to hide me, but I will always show.
No matter how hard people try, I will never go down.
What am I? Okay, you guys just showed me.
These are not very hard.
I'm going to say age.
No, that's what I said.
My age.
Age is correct.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
This is great.
I thought that these were going to be very difficult riddles.
These are instead little sort of jokes that they tell you in kindergarten or something, so that's fine.
I'm just happy to survive.
I don't think well under pressure.
If I played Jeopardy, I would have to pay them at the end of the show.
All right, we'll see if this gets a little harder for you, gentlemen.
If Apple made a car, what would it be missing?
Gosh, I don't even have a joke answer.
Ooh, you may take the lead.
Windows?
It is, in fact, Windows!
I hate that.
Sexy Gandalf pulls ahead.
I hate that.
I can fill a room or just one heart.
Others may have me, but I cannot be shared.
What am I? Michael, you're starting to make me nervous.
Okay, no, I've got this, yeah.
All right, Drew, let's show first.
I don't know.
I said love, but that doesn't sound right to me.
No, I decided to go for a much gorier idea.
I can fill a room with just one heart blood.
I can fill a room full of blood.
The correct answer is loneliness.
And this riddle is actually from one of the Batman comic books, from the Riddler.
Well, no wonder we couldn't.
Do we look like supervillains to you for crying out?
What rock group consists of four famous men, but none of them sing?
I don't even have a joke.
I don't have an answer.
Okay.
Well, what do you have, Drew?
What's your answer?
Mount Rushmore.
Yes, it is Mount Rushmore.
Oh, I hate that.
I thought it was like a classification of rocks, like granite or something.
Well, I knew if it was an actual rock group, I wouldn't know, so...
Gosh, I'm gonna lose.
I'm down by two.
How many questions are there?
There are a few more.
I'm not gonna tell you exactly how many, so we still fight to the finish.
Okay.
Next question.
Alive without breath.
Cold as death.
Never thirsty, ever drinking.
All in mail, never clinking.
Do you have an answer, Michael?
Like, maybe, I guess.
Alright, what do you have?
Suit of armor?
Nah.
Suits of armor clink.
What do you have?
I had ice.
The correct answer is a fish, and that was from The Hobbit.
J.R.L. Tolkien.
I couldn't make it through The Hobbit.
I never made it through any of those Tolkien books, even though I'm told they're very good.
I don't think it was Yale reading, anyway.
Well, the thing is, like, those books are actually supposed to be very good, but I can't get into it.
They're so long, and I have to say, like, I think that there was something wrong with a guy who can invent an entire civilization, including its language, I think.
You're like, calm down, J.R. All right, next one.
One night, a king and queen get on a ship charted for a faraway land.
The next morning, the king and queen get off the ship.
Who is left on the ship?
Drew is just an assassin right now.
They're throwing these answers down.
Okay, no, I think I know the answer.
Ten seconds.
Got it.
Okay, the king and queen get on a ship for a faraway land, and then they get off the ship.
So who's left on the ship?
Okay.
I've got the answer.
Alright, what's the answer?
Everyone else.
Pretty solid.
The knight is left.
The knight is left on the ship.
One knight, a king and queen get on a ship, Michael.
It's a play on words.
Yes, it is.
We need to have a comeback here, man.
We snub a bit.
You know, is this where you calculate how many riddles there are so he can catch up?
I mean...
Yeah.
There are not enough riddles in the world, I think, unfortunately.
It will only increase my, uh, the difference, the discrepancy between the two of us.
Alright, let's see if we tied up the race with this one.
Alright.
It can be cruel, poetic, or blind, but when it is denied, it is violence you may find.
Alright, let's show.
Justice?
Ah, that's better.
Mine was fate.
It is Justice!
All right, finally!
Oh my gosh!
Good grief.
That was actually from the new Batman movie, from the Riddler.
It can be cruel, poetic, or blind.
Justice.
The answer's just it.
That was worth three points, you said?
Of course.
Okay, wow.
It's almost tied up, yeah.
A man and his son crashed while driving down an icy road.
Two ambulances came.
One took the father to a hospital in the west.
The other took the son to a hospital in the east.
Nurses rushed the boy into surgery, and the doctor said, I cannot operate on this boy.
He is my son.
How can this be?
Hmm.
Time.
Okay, I'm almost finished writing the sentence.
Yeah, you're transcribing the whole riddle for us.
Drew, what do you have?
The doctor's his mother.
That doesn't make any sense, Drew.
So I gave that answer as a secondary answer, but I said it's because the doctor is the gay partner of the injured dad.
Assuming that no ladies are surgeons.
But I did say, if the feminists are right, then it's the mom.
But I'm still going with my first answer.
What does a liar do once he is dead?
Time?
Okay.
Drew?
Lie still?
Michael?
Burn in hell.
If he didn't repent before death.
I wish I could accept that, Michael, but it is in fact, he lies still, also from the Batman movie.
He lies still.
Pretty sure I'm right, also, but that's fine.
Okay.
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All right, let's get back to my being absolutely slashed to bits in this awful competition.
All right, here we go.
Wait a minute.
When did we get the last question?
We're very close, Drew.
All right, here we go.
I just need to catch up first.
Yeah, exactly.
This is like Maricopa County.
You can't...
This is all night, baby, until we get the answer we want.
It's gonna go through all weekend until we get the answer we want.
All right, I can sneak up on you or be right in front of you without you knowing, but when I reveal myself, you will never be the same.
Time?
All right, Michael, what do you have?
I said love or death.
Hmm.
Drew?
I said an idea, but I think really it's the guy from Halloween, probably.
You are both incorrect.
The correct answer is, in fact, betrayal.
Betrayal?
Betrayal.
What's that from?
I think that was also one of the Riddler comics.
Oh, interesting.
Did you read any books for adults?
Never mind for adults, there's any books.
Or any book, yeah, that's right.
A man crossed the Rio Grande seeking prosperity in a new land.
Democrats called him racist for trying to join a group from his homeland.
What is the name of that group?
He crossed the Rio Grande searching for opportunity in a new land.
Drew?
Mexicans?
That's the group he joined.
I said the Ku Klux Klan because, hear me out, it could have been a man crossing the Rio Grande in the other direction.
That's what I thought.
Yeah, and it would rhyme.
Wait a minute, that doesn't make no sense.
The group the man joined was the KKK, spelled Q-U-E, Q-U-E, Q-U-E. So I will take the Klu Klux plan for that.
Oh, hey, great, all right.
You can't take the Klu Klux plan for that with Q-U-E. KKK, that's good.
And what the hell is the KKK? Now this is being played under protest.
This is great, okay, great.
I'll take a point for that.
Clavin, you still have a solid lead as we go into this one.
Yeah, because...
Yes.
I feel like I'm living in Philadelphia at this point.
Alright, here we go.
Last question.
Voiceless it cries, wingless it flutters, toothless it bites, and mouthless it mutters.
KKK. Alright, Michael, what do you have?
The American electorate.
Drew?
I said the wind?
It is the wind.
Mine was correct as well, though, was it not?
Do I get half a point?
It's voiceless, it's got no teeth.
In Mexico, or as they call it, the KKK. It can be carried, but not touched.
It has two on the outside and ten on the inside.
Everyone wants to catch a sight of this, but it is kept out of sight.
It was lost and found, and then found, but now is lost.
Michael, what joke have you written down?
The Ark of the Covenant.
It's not a joke, you heretic.
You sacrilegious, blaspheming pseudo-host of this show.
I was stumped.
I said a good name, but I don't know what...
It is, in fact, the art of the covenant.
Is it?
Yes, it is.
Oh, Michael's in the comeback trailer.
Yeah, this is great.
We only need to be here for four more hours.
I was going to say, it's all my way back.
All things it devours.
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers.
It gnaws iron, bites steel.
Grinds hard stones to meal.
It slays kings, ruins towns, and beats high mountains down.
What am I? Pain in the ass.
All right, what do you got, Michael?
Time.
Ah, I said the same thing.
It is, in fact, time.
All right, I thought that was going to be my real chance.
I cannot believe this is still going on.
It's like a bad dream.
I take forever and am hosted by Ben Davies.
We're going to move along here.
We only got a couple more left.
And I think it is tightening too, Drew.
So we got to get these last couple.
Great.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Which word is spelt wrong in every edition of the dictionary?
Which word is spelt wrong in every edition of the dictionary?
I don't even have a joke for this.
What do you have, Drew?
Wrong.
What did you say?
Wrong.
It's wrong.
It's spelled wrong.
I hate riddles so much.
All right, here we go.
Wait, wait, you said a couple more, so this is the last one?
This may be the last one.
Yeah, he didn't say only a couple more, though.
It's a couple more, and then a couple more.
I mean, he's come out from a Dominion voting machine, so this could just keep going.
I was going to say you could be a poll watcher at this point.
Yeah.
Only one color, but not one size.
Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies.
Present in sun, but not in rain.
Doing no harm and feeling no pain.
What is it?
Time.
Okay.
Drew, what do you have?
I had sunshine or daylight.
And I had whatever Drew said.
So I think we both got it right.
The correct answer is shadow.
Shadow.
The one time, Drew, thanks a lot.
Yeah, I'm totally wrong.
Even when I copy you, even when I copy the guy with the right answer, I get it wrong.
Drew Klavan is the champion of this episode of Face Off, Riddle Edition.
To the victor goes the spoils.
Michael will have to read a 30-second commercial for why your show is awesome and why people should watch it.
I don't want to take this seriously or anything, but...
I'll tell you, and I said this going into it, I've done a bunch of these.
Well, the winner and still king of face-off, Michael Knowles.
The dopes.
And I knew with every single one I was going to win.
I want to at least be right in my prediction of how wrong I would be.
I did predict.
I said, it doesn't matter what topic, I am going to lose to Drew.
It's going to be humiliating.
And it has been.
It has been humiliating.
I have to agree with you on that.
I think you've been utterly humiliated.
And just brought down a little bit, I think, in everybody's estimation.
Yeah.
Yes, yes.
We'll do it now and put 30 seconds on the clock that will start when you begin.
Listen, folks, if you want all the wisdom of my show, if you want all the incisive, delightful, and funny commentary with none of the hair and considerably more age, and I'm sorry to say, perhaps some have said even more wisdom, you can tune into...
The Andrew Klavan Show.
A show that is 97% as Catholic as mine and much, much less frequent.
I literally can't tell you how touched I am.
There aren't words small enough to tell you how touched I am by that.
It's almost as if this weren't worth it.
Maybe this will make it worth it for you, Drew, because I'm going to tell the audience, if you haven't already, please be sure to get a copy of A Strange Habit of Mine, the second book in the Cameron Winter Mystery Series, available wherever books are sold.
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