Minion Death Cult - By the way sweet-toots, I was only sitting a few rows behind you at a Final Four Basketball game about six years ago (preview) - DEATH CHAT 500 (04/29/23)
Aired: 2023-05-05
Duration: 09:17


=== Damages and Crimes Uncovered (08:41) ===

[00:00:00]  This one's called Death Chat 500.
[00:00:02]  Death Chat 500
[00:00:31]  Uh, Ian says, "So this guy is insane." Got it.
[00:00:35]  Uh, just wait, Ian.
[00:00:37]  Because the next sub-chapter is McBride, the prosecutor.
[00:00:44]  Normal, respectable, or traditional investigative work doesn't exist anymore.
[00:00:49]  If I have this case...
[00:00:52]  I call the bar first and speak to as many eyewitnesses as possible.
[00:00:56]  Okay, so this is now a manufactured example within the manufactured example of what if McBee were the prosecutor?
[00:01:05]  Yeah, hypothetically.
[00:01:07]  Maybe he should be.
[00:01:08]  I hope he takes the funds he got from this book to go to law school.
[00:01:13]  I don't want to spoil anything for you, but things turn out pretty good in this hypothetical where McBee is the prosecutor.
[00:01:18]  Okay, well, I mean, I'm excited.
[00:01:21]  Okay, if I have this case, I call the bar first and speak to as many eyewitnesses as possible.
[00:01:28]  I'm looking for damages and crimes, not hearsay.
[00:01:31]  I'm looking for damages and crimes, not hearsay.
[00:01:35]  I'm not going to prosecute someone for hearsay.
[00:01:38]  Like these- For rumors?
[00:01:40]  Charge them with first degree rumor.
[00:01:44]  I hate that shit.
[00:01:46]  Okay, I'm looking for damages and crimes, not hearsay.
[00:01:50]  Then interview the kid.
[00:01:52]  After a few days, I finally track down the two arresting officers.
[00:01:56]  I want to hear their side of the story and see if either of them had any physical damages to them.
[00:02:02]  Injuries?
[00:02:04]  I park outside a softball field on a Wednesday night.
[00:02:07]  It's the Police and Firefighters Softball League.
[00:02:14]  I love my man's a screenwriter!
[00:02:18]  I'm just waiting for the right time to speak to them.
[00:02:20]  Or just waiting until the end of the game.
[00:02:22]  What if he, like, walked out onto the field and was like, uh, sorry folks, I know we're having a good time here, I just need to ask you a few questions.
[00:02:30]  Just a couple more questions.
[00:02:32]  I'll disguise as an umpire, and while they're up, I'll go ahead and give them a little riz.
[00:02:38]  See, there's the officer who claimed to have been injured by the 21-year-old young man.
[00:02:46]  I'm gonna whip a baseball at his head and see if he can catch it.
[00:02:50]  See if he reacts without any pain involved.
[00:02:55]  Yeah.
[00:02:55]  That's a pretty nice cut for a man who was assaulted by a drunk 21-year-old two days ago.
[00:02:59]  There we go.
[00:03:00]  Okay.
[00:03:06]  First thing I notice is all the new cars and trucks in the parking lot.
[00:03:11]  A couple of the cars are a bit show-off-ish for a police officer's salary.
[00:03:16]  Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
[00:03:18]  I mean, you're goddamn right.
[00:03:20]  Cops are making like a hundred plus thousand a year, depending on what's what state you're in.
[00:03:26]  There's this there's this like there's this house that is in East Highland is like I know it belongs to a cop and they literally have every single car I've ever wanted in the driveway.
[00:03:37]  Like every single one, like, it's crazy.
[00:03:39]  It's just like, what?
[00:03:40]  Like, why do you have?
[00:03:42]  And it's like eight cars.
[00:03:43]  There's like eight cars in that driveway.
[00:03:45]  See, that's called entrapment.
[00:03:47]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:03:48]  They're trying to get you to boost one of them.
[00:03:51]  OK, first thing I notice is all the new cars and trucks in the parking lot.
[00:03:55]  A couple of the cars are a bit show offish for a police officer's salary.
[00:04:00]  Second thing I notice is everyone's happy on the field.
[00:04:03]  They've got beers cracked and having a good time.
[00:04:06]  I certainly have no complaints about that.
[00:04:09]  Softball and beer go together.
[00:04:10]  LOL.
[00:04:12]  They do.
[00:04:13]  LOL.
[00:04:13]  For sure.
[00:04:15]  Third thing I notice is both officers have no noticeable injuries from afar.
[00:04:21]  Next inning, the officer who said the kid battered him hits a shot to right.
[00:04:25]  He glides into third base with an easy triple.
[00:04:28]  No hitch in his step at all.
[00:04:30]  I'm parked on that side of the field.
[00:04:32]  Now I even get a closer look at his face.
[00:04:35]  No injuries.
[00:04:36]  He's high-fiving and laughing with the third base coach.
[00:04:39]  My work here is done.
[00:04:41]  I don't need to even interview these guys.
[00:04:44]  Why do they make him a stud?
[00:04:46]  He made him a total stud.
[00:04:48]  Just cracks one out to ride for an easy triple.
[00:04:51]  Like it's so hard to get like a triple.
[00:04:53]  That's such a, that's such a rare hit.
[00:04:56]  Like this guy's a fucking stud and fast as fuck.
[00:04:59]  Not only is he a stud, but McBee is an even bigger stud.
[00:05:03]  He goes, he goes to this.
[00:05:05]  He's going to interrogate some officers.
[00:05:06]  Oh, surprise, surprise.
[00:05:08]  He's such a good investigator that he doesn't even need to talk to them.
[00:05:14]  Okay, I get the kid to come back to my office again.
[00:05:18]  After getting a better understanding of what happened at the bar, I proceed to scare the kid straight.
[00:05:24]  Containing your alcohol levels, speech, scolding, etc.
[00:05:28]  Also, I tell him that the bar has welcomed him back, providing he doesn't disrupt the business again.
[00:05:34]  In return, he must apologize to the bartender.
[00:05:39]  Within six days I dismissed the case.
[00:05:42]  No charges.
[00:05:43]  No arraignment.
[00:05:44]  Tons of time saved.
[00:05:45]  And of course, your money not wasted.
[00:05:48]  The kid had a bad night and he paid the price for it.
[00:05:51]  The egregious charges, six days to be worried about his life being ruined, the potential financial damages and sentences he might receive, etc.
[00:06:01]  I don't care what happened between him and the cops.
[00:06:03]  There is no victim and no damages to anyone.
[00:06:06]  Notice I also didn't speak about his past criminal record?
[00:06:09]  This is another huge mistake the prosecution makes.
[00:06:12]  They see a record and re-convict inside the new prosecution.
[00:06:16]  The quote, double jeopardy mindset.
[00:06:19]  He had a petty theft at age 18.
[00:06:20]  That's not what that means.
[00:06:24]  It's not, but let's let him cook.
[00:06:25]  I like what he's saying.
[00:06:27]  I like where he's going still.
[00:06:29]  He had a petty theft at age 18?
[00:06:31]  Completely irrelevant to me.
[00:06:33]  I only glanced at his past for 30 seconds.
[00:06:36]  Why?
[00:06:36]  He wasn't stealing anything.
[00:06:38]  Duh.
[00:06:40]  Finally, I send an email to the arresting officers with a stern warning.
[00:06:45]  Don't ever bring this type of crap to my desk ever again.
[00:06:49]  Dot dot dot.
[00:06:50]  Drive the damn kid home next time.
[00:06:53]  Then get back out and pick up some real criminals.
[00:06:56]  P.S.
[00:06:57]  I'm not kidding!
[00:06:59]  We're supposed to keep the peace and protect our citizens, not turn a drunk kid into a criminal.
[00:07:05]  Yeah.
[00:07:05]  Yeah.
[00:07:07]  I want, I want to go even further when he's like, I don't know what happened, but something happened between him and that boy.
[00:07:13]  Any other day that ball would have been out of the park.
[00:07:18]  Like Doug turned around on him, but he's like, it still, it still wasn't worth it.
[00:07:21]  It still wasn't worth it.
[00:07:22]  The kid still deserves freedom.
[00:07:24]  Yeah, little did you know actually that officer, he copes with his trauma by practicing baseball, practicing his swing.
[00:07:32]  And so, the fact that he had a really good game is an indication that something disruptive happened in his life recently.
[00:07:37]  Something bad happened, yeah.
[00:07:41]  I would do this with a lot of cases.
[00:07:42]  I would punish crimes fairly and pass on the silliest.
[00:07:48]  Just like, imagine all of the, everything I'm reading is happening inside the mind of the, whatever his name is, the killer from Psycho, at the end of Psycho.
[00:07:59]  Just sitting alone in a holding cell.
[00:08:01]  I would do this with a lot of cases.
[00:08:03]  I would punish crimes fairly and pass on the silly stuff.
[00:08:07]  It does insinuate that there's, other people are like, you know what, I know this isn't fair, and I know it's pretty silly, but fuck it.
[00:08:18]  Uh, like the birthday kid.
[00:08:21]  The after effect?
[00:08:23]  Ten years later.
[00:08:24]  It's a cut to ten years later in the manufacturing.

=== Gadgets Helping the Elderly (00:50) ===

[00:08:28]  Me and the kid are best friends.
[00:08:30]  We actually hang out all the time.
[00:08:32]  Just wait, dude.
[00:08:35]  I walk him down the aisle.
[00:08:38]  That kid?
[00:08:39]  Yeah, he cured cancer.
[00:08:41]  The kid has a clean record.
[00:08:48]  Still lives here locally.
[00:08:49]  Married his girlfriend.
[00:08:51]  She wasn't sick at the wedding, by the way.
[00:08:53]  LOL.
[00:08:54]  He works for a medical company that makes gadgets that help the elderly.
[00:08:59]  They've got a bun in the oven.
[00:09:00]  Life is good.
[00:09:02]  The female prosecutor and those cops, they wanted to rob the elderly of a gadget that would help them in 10 years.
[00:09:09]  Help us do the show for only five bucks a month, and you'll get two bonus episodes every week, including a live stream with listeners every Saturday.