Minion Death Cult - The horse is also very large, strong, muscled, powerful, and yes - packing. (preview)
Aired: 2022-05-26
Duration: 03:58


=== Deserve Validation (03:44) ===

[00:00:00]  I laughed at your joke and cried crocodile tears in the movie with everyone, so I deserve your validation.
[00:00:05]  I deserve for you to make me certain of my own existence.
[00:00:08]  What in the shit?
[00:00:10]  This is utter weakness.
[00:00:13]  No woman would want such a protector.
[00:00:15]  Trust me, I know.
[00:00:16]  How do you know?
[00:00:18]  I don't believe you.
[00:00:19]  Sorry.
[00:00:19]  The goal is to be an amused stone, showing about one-tenth of a normal expression.
[00:00:25]  So measure your normal size.
[00:00:29]  Take a fucking protractor, take a compass, and like, do the angles on your normal smile.
[00:00:35]  Do about 10% of that.
[00:00:37]  Is this right?
[00:00:38]  I know, I'm trying to do it too, I'm not getting it right.
[00:00:42]  Make sure the person who you give the least expression to is the person who you love the most.
[00:00:48]  The person who you want to spend your life with, don't let that light out.
[00:00:52]  Because you have a finite amount of joy and you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
[00:00:56]  So you want to give them a tiny bit of joy.
[00:00:58]  But what I like to do is I like to wait until they're sleeping to let that out.
[00:01:02]  So just do that.
[00:01:03]  Just stay stoic.
[00:01:04]  Don't express it.
[00:01:05]  Pretend you're semen.
[00:01:07]  Yeah, exactly, exactly, yeah.
[00:01:09]  Withhold, be a withholding dad.
[00:01:11]  And just keep getting her those Buicks every five years.
[00:01:18]  The goal is to be an amused stone, showing about one-tenth of a normal expression.
[00:01:23]  Think slight smirk over childish grin.
[00:01:26]  A quick and subtle, hmm, instead of a, wow, really?
[00:01:30]  I don't love that line.
[00:01:34]  What conversation is this where he would be yelling, wow, really, in the first place?
[00:01:40]  I'm going up to my, oh, did you hear about the black hole they were able to photograph for the first time?
[00:01:44]  And the, you know, the virgin overhears, wow, really?
[00:01:48]  So exciting!
[00:01:50]  And then, but the Chad is like, hmm.
[00:01:54]  A black hole, you say?
[00:01:55]  Imagine being in a conversation and there's a guy somewhere in the conversation doing his little one-tenth of a facial expression, making hmm sounds and retenting his semen all over the fucking place.
[00:02:09]  That's a horrible situation.
[00:02:11]  I would worry that I'm about to get shot.
[00:02:15]  That's coming out sometime.
[00:02:17]  He's gonna cum himself or he's gonna go psycho mode and kill a whole post office full of people.
[00:02:23]  Like, one of the two.
[00:02:25]  When being in competitive scenarios, don't act like a fool or arrogant.
[00:02:33]  Think of being a calm king, cool in emotion, and not easily impressed or phased, and not like a dancing jester acting like a silly fool.
[00:02:43]  So this is just what he says in the mirror before he goes to a party, right?
[00:02:46]  Like, be a calm king.
[00:02:48]  Don't be a silly jester.
[00:02:50]  That's just how he cites himself up.
[00:02:52]  Remember last time when they called you a silly gesture?
[00:02:55]  Do you remember that?
[00:02:56]  Don't let it happen again, man.
[00:03:00]  You're the calm king!
[00:03:01]  You're the calm king!
[00:03:05]  He walks into the room and he hears something that sounds like a little bell and he's like, oh fuck.
[00:03:11]  Gotta avoid that at all costs.
[00:03:12]  Yeah, just like somebody tries to pass him a pie or something, he's like, I'm not touching that.
[00:03:17]  I'm not here to jest.
[00:03:19]  Mom, mom, before I leave, hey, do my shoes look long?
[00:03:24]  Do my shoes look long?
[00:03:26]  Do you think it was how long my shoes are?

=== Cannot Juggle (00:28) ===

[00:03:30]  Man, yeah, this is sad.
[00:03:32]  You did it again!
[00:03:33]  You acted the fucking jester!
[00:03:34]  The other fucker!
[00:03:35]  They all saw you!
[00:03:37]  Your heels touched together while you were walking, you fucking idiot!
[00:03:41]  You know you gotta stay away from the fruit bowl.
[00:03:43]  You're gonna juggle every time.
[00:03:47]  You can't do it.
[00:03:48]  You can't do it.
[00:03:49]  He knocks it off the table, and he goes to reach for it.
[00:03:52]  He accidentally juggles.
[00:03:53]  He pulls his hands back.
[00:03:56]  He blacks out, and he wakes up spinning plates.