Minion Death Cult - 61 - Minion's Law (Preview)
Aired: 2018-07-27
Duration: 16:15


=== Conservative Humor Gone Awry (04:16) ===

[00:00:01]  The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today.
[00:00:11]  So stay tuned.
[00:00:12]  We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
[00:00:18]  It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
[00:00:20]  Stay tuned guys.
[00:00:22]  I'm Alexander Edward and And I'm Tony Boswell.
[00:00:35]  And we are Minion Death Cult.
[00:00:38]  The world is ending.
[00:00:40]  Sidewalk Slammin' Socialists are responsible.
[00:00:43]  We're documenting it.
[00:00:46]  This is your Patreon episode.
[00:00:49]  Thank you so much for subscribing via Patreon.
[00:00:53]  I know we said last time that we should do this on Thursday, and then we just didn't this week.
[00:00:59]  Eh, you know, it happens.
[00:01:01]  We got the main episode out late, and then we got it out even later.
[00:01:07]  We're humans is what we're saying, okay?
[00:01:09]  More human than other people are sometimes.
[00:01:12]  More human than humans?
[00:01:13]  Yeah.
[00:01:16]  We recorded Monday instead of Sunday, and then we had a problem sending the audio to me Monday night, and so we didn't get it out until Wednesday.
[00:01:25]  That's what happened there.
[00:01:27]  And then we had to spend all Thursday thinking of this excuse to tell you.
[00:01:31]  And it doesn't matter now, because we've got a great show for you.
[00:01:36]  We're talking about a Daily Caller article about a harrowing experience a conservative woman had attending an Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez rally, or a rally that she was there in support of, for Democratic Congressional candidate Cori Bush.
[00:01:54]  And this is an amazing article, you probably saw it online, tweeted about.
[00:01:59]  Very, very thrilling stuff.
[00:02:02]  And, uh, we're also talking about Donald Trump getting his Hollywood star fucked up again.
[00:02:09]  Yeah.
[00:02:10]  Just wrecked.
[00:02:11]  Someone literally slam-danced on it, I think is what happened, right?
[00:02:15]  Right.
[00:02:16]  Yeah.
[00:02:16]  That was all, that was all boot that did that?
[00:02:19]  Mm-hmm.
[00:02:19]  Sick.
[00:02:20]  Yeah.
[00:02:21]  Breaking, literally.
[00:02:23]  So, let's read from this Daily Caller article, uh, cause it's something.
[00:02:29]  The headline goes, I'm a conservative, and I went to an Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez rally.
[00:02:38]  So, cool story so far.
[00:02:41]  Except for it could have just been called, um, I went to a Alexander Ocasio-Cortez rally because it's on the Daily Caller, so we know that you're conservative.
[00:02:53]  Right, you gotta just fill that space though, I guess.
[00:02:55]  I guess.
[00:02:56]  Um, yeah, uh, it was a rally for Cori Bush, uh, held in celebration of her birthday, and it was at, like, a bar, I guess.
[00:03:07]  Um, second paragraph here.
[00:03:11]  Over the years, I have attended my share of political events.
[00:03:15]  Tea party protests, a Rick Perry speech on tax cuts, a Ted Cruz rally.
[00:03:21]  Holy shit.
[00:03:23]  Slow the fuck down.
[00:03:24]  You been to all of those things?
[00:03:26]  Chill out.
[00:03:26]  I think I saw that documentary.
[00:03:28]  Wasn't it called, like, Party Monster?
[00:03:29]  I remember that.
[00:03:33]  I've seen it all, from Rick Perry forgetting what taxes are live on stage to Ted Cruz talking about how taxes are bad.
[00:03:45]  I've seen it all, folks.
[00:03:47]  It's not so much they're bad, they're just theft.
[00:03:50]  I've seen so many candidates give rousing speeches and shout out invigorating slogans like, jobs are great!

=== Why We Needed More Gatorade (04:14) ===

[00:04:04]  Jobs are great.
[00:04:05]  Which is something that somebody literally tweeted at me today.
[00:04:10]  We had a DSA tweet about my workplace go a little viral, which is a new experience for me.
[00:04:18]  And basically what happened, if you didn't see the tweet, You know, it's like 110 out here in Southern California, and I work outside, as you probably know, delivering packages and no AC.
[00:04:32]  And I got this message in my dyad that was like, Stay hydrated!
[00:04:39]  We got Gatorades for you guys when you come back to the building!
[00:04:43]  You know, after your work shift is over, and I was like, okay, like that's weird that it's after we get back, but that's fine.
[00:04:51]  I'll take a free Gatorade, whatever.
[00:04:52]  Yeah.
[00:04:53]  Get back, walk in, there's like two ice chests by where I put my dyad, my scanner back, and on top of the ice chest is a handwritten, you know, letter-size blank page, handwritten on it, says, uh, What did it say?
[00:05:12]  It said, uh, please only take one Gatorade.
[00:05:15]  No, there was no please.
[00:05:16]  Oh, no please.
[00:05:16]  Sorry.
[00:05:17]  There was no please, dude.
[00:05:18]  Only take one Gatorade.
[00:05:19]  It was drivers only take one Gatorade.
[00:05:22]  Yeah.
[00:05:22]  Uh, we are watching.
[00:05:24]  We are watching.
[00:05:25]  I think I said please because it was almost QT writing.
[00:05:28]  Yeah, people were comparing it to like a high school note.
[00:05:31]  Yeah.
[00:05:32]  Like the handwriting you would see in a girl's note to her crush.
[00:05:38]  And yeah, it said, we are watching.
[00:05:40]  Yeah.
[00:05:40]  Happy face.
[00:05:41]  And I was like, what the fuck is this?
[00:05:43]  Like, now I just, I don't want your Gatorade.
[00:05:45]  Yeah.
[00:05:46]  Like, either give me a Gatorade or don't give me a Gatorade, but don't give me a fucking lecture about how you're giving me a free, one free Gatorade.
[00:05:53]  It's so fucking lame.
[00:05:55]  And I was like, looking at the sign, before I even opened up the ice chest, around the corner I hear, you can have one Gatorade!
[00:06:02]  And I was like, yeah, I read the sign.
[00:06:07]  Read the sign.
[00:06:08]  And then she started saying like, yeah, because like, people will take them all and then you won't have- And I just like, tuned her out and started thinking about like, my life, and like, the series of events that had led to this point.
[00:06:20]  Were you so mad that you didn't actually have like a big thing full of Gatorade?
[00:06:25]  And then you can pour it over her like she's your coach?
[00:06:28]  But then like tell her good game so you don't get in trouble?
[00:06:30]  Yeah!
[00:06:31]  That's good, yeah.
[00:06:32]  You can do a lot of stuff to a supervisor if you just say good game afterward.
[00:06:35]  Hey, we won.
[00:06:35]  Good game.
[00:06:38]  Also, doing it that way with the giant thing of it would have been way more efficient.
[00:06:43]  And they could have gotten more Gatorade.
[00:06:46]  It would have cost them less.
[00:06:47]  You guys would have had more Gatorade.
[00:06:49]  I mean... Yeah, we need to go back to that big orange jug thing.
[00:06:52]  It's tight.
[00:06:53]  It's tight.
[00:06:55]  Yeah, so like... Oh, and they were the little Gatorades too.
[00:06:58]  They were like the little fun-sized Gatorades.
[00:07:01]  You forgot that you're actually, like, you don't, um, you don't have your actual job, you're just a, uh, AYSO soccer player?
[00:07:09]  No, because you would have gotten oranges, you didn't even get fucking oranges.
[00:07:12]  No, no.
[00:07:13]  Uh, and, yeah, I was just like, well, this is amazing.
[00:07:16]  This is like when, uh, when Capital, when Capital is concerned about the health of labor, they say, You may take one Gatorade!
[00:07:26]  One and one only!
[00:07:28]  Actually, two of these makes one Gatorade.
[00:07:31]  It's, it's like insane.
[00:07:32]  It's like, I tweeted this out, but it's like, it's like, oh you want to come over for dinner?
[00:07:38]  Oh yeah, sure man.
[00:07:39]  You get one entree!
[00:07:40]  You get one scoop of potatoes.
[00:07:43]  It's like, okay, okay, I don't want the dinner now.
[00:07:46]  Not even that, you don't get, you don't get refills on your drink.
[00:07:51]  You get, you get one glass.
[00:07:54]  Wait for the ice to melt, you have another drink.
[00:07:56]  And so yeah, somebody replied, they were like, oh well, it's nice of them to give you one Gatorade.

=== Jobs Are Great? (08:03) ===

[00:08:03]  And I was like, yeah, it's also nice of them to give me money, right?
[00:08:06]  Yeah.
[00:08:07]  Like, it's nice of them to pay me for the work I'm doing, right?
[00:08:09]  And they were like, yeah, jobs are great!
[00:08:12]  You socialists should look into it.
[00:08:15]  I was like, we're talking about my job right now.
[00:08:17]  The job that you have.
[00:08:18]  Like I, like I'm, you know, I'm typing this to you after having carried a 130 pound weight set to somebody's door in like the 110 degree heat, you know, but you're going to type at me about getting a job.
[00:08:32]  And yeah, I was just thinking about like that phrase that jobs are great.
[00:08:37]  That like mind numbing, meaningless phrase.
[00:08:42]  Jobs are great.
[00:08:45]  I remember when I was hitting the tail end of my longest string of unemployment, not getting unemployment, making no money at all, right?
[00:08:53]  And people would start telling me things like, it's just, you know, not even about the money.
[00:08:59]  It's about, you know, like, it's good for you.
[00:09:01]  And I'm like, fuck all of you.
[00:09:04]  Shut the fuck up.
[00:09:06]  I'll take a dollar for anything right now.
[00:09:08]  Fuck you.
[00:09:09]  I'm not doing this for my mental health.
[00:09:10]  I'm doing this so I can fucking survive.
[00:09:12]  Not doing this so you think I'm a better person.
[00:09:15]  Yeah.
[00:09:16]  I was just so depressed and then I started working and getting underpaid.
[00:09:21]  Now I'm not.
[00:09:22]  Hell yeah.
[00:09:23]  It's cool.
[00:09:24]  Hell yeah.
[00:09:24]  That's the dream, right?
[00:09:26]  Getting paid for the job you do?
[00:09:27]  That's all we can aspire to?
[00:09:29]  Yeah.
[00:09:30]  Jobs are good.
[00:09:34]  Like, this is like, you know, I'm sort of wishy-washy on the definition of neoliberalism, you know what I mean?
[00:09:41]  Like, it's kind of this nebulous phrase.
[00:09:44]  I don't think I've ever heard anything that more encapsulates neoliberalism than the phrase, jobs are great.
[00:09:51]  Jobs are great.
[00:09:53]  Do me a little thought experiment here, Tony.
[00:09:57]  Picture Hillary Clinton saying jobs are great.
[00:10:00]  Uh-huh.
[00:10:01]  Seeing it.
[00:10:02]  Seeing it.
[00:10:02]  Easily.
[00:10:03]  Yeah.
[00:10:03]  Easily.
[00:10:04]  Now picture Jeb Bush saying, Jobs are great.
[00:10:07]  Oh.
[00:10:07]  Jobs are great.
[00:10:08]  It looks very similar, but I see it.
[00:10:10]  Picture Donald Trump saying, Jobs are great, folks.
[00:10:13]  Jobs.
[00:10:13]  Yeah.
[00:10:14]  Any one of these stuffed fucking shirts would say this phrase and it would mean nothing.
[00:10:21]  Even Bernie Sanders.
[00:10:22]  I could hear Bernie Sanders saying this phrase.
[00:10:24]  Yeah, absolutely.
[00:10:25]  It's probably like the The least among them, but I could still hear any, like, this is what neoliberalism has done to us.
[00:10:33]  It's fried our fucking brains to where somebody can type out the phrase, jobs are great.
[00:10:37]  He's going to say that when someone says, so you know, what do you think about jobs?
[00:10:42]  And then he's just gonna go, jobs are great.
[00:10:44]  Yeah, no, no, no, jobs are great, brother.
[00:10:48]  Like, even if we're Even if we're doing the work for this phrase, like, having a job is great, you know, that's a different thing than the weird abstract concept of jobs being great.
[00:11:05]  Even if we're sort of being charitable and saying, oh, having a job is great.
[00:11:09]  No, it's not.
[00:11:10]  You fucking nerd.
[00:11:11]  The fuck is wrong with you?
[00:11:12]  No.
[00:11:13]  That's literally like the defining human character.
[00:11:17]  The experience we share among everybody is that your job sucks.
[00:11:21]  You don't wake up in the morning and think to yourself, I can't wait to work.
[00:11:25]  What you do say is, I can't wait to secure that bag.
[00:11:28]  That's different.
[00:11:29]  Secure that bag?
[00:11:30]  Getting paid.
[00:11:31]  Oh, yeah.
[00:11:32]  But, like, you know, getting paid, working... I thought you were, like, your job was, like, a TSA agent or something.
[00:11:36]  Nah, nah, getting that bag.
[00:11:37]  Securing that bag.
[00:11:38]  Gotcha.
[00:11:39]  Getting paid.
[00:11:39]  Yeah.
[00:11:41]  I'd make nothing close to what would be considered a bag, like, ever, so.
[00:11:46]  But, you know, it's fun to rap about.
[00:11:48]  Right.
[00:11:48]  So that was, that's my idea of all these rallies that, uh, conservative writer Virginia Cruda She went to see Ted Cruz.
[00:12:01]  Jobs are great.
[00:12:02]  In the IRS, they take the money from your job.
[00:12:06]  Can you imagine how much cooler jobs would be if it wasn't for the IRS?
[00:12:12]  So, she's attended all these rallies, but nothing prepared me for the stark difference in tone.
[00:12:21]  Just get ready to have your mind fucking blown.
[00:12:23]  Bush's rally packed a few hundred friends and activists into a bar called The Ready Room in St.
[00:12:30]  Louis, and almost from the moment I walked through the door, I was surrounded by a group of women who were discussing, over drinks, the reason they had gotten involved in politics.
[00:12:40]  The two things they all had in common were anger and fear.
[00:12:43]  One even said, I just couldn't stand being angry and afraid all the time.
[00:12:48]  As the rally kicked off, a series of invited guests took the stage.
[00:12:52]  Several mentioned the Ferguson protests, which began after police officer Darren Wilson shot Michael Brown and recalled being tear-gassed and arrested alongside Bush, the woman running.
[00:13:05]  Others invoked the, quote, Israeli occupation of Palestine, unquote.
[00:13:10]  That's not a real thing that's happening.
[00:13:12]  While still others told stories of, quote, woke grandchildren who asked over pancakes whether ICE was going to come and arrest them.
[00:13:22]  This is a dig at you, Tony, and your woke granddaughter.
[00:13:25]  My woke granddaughter?
[00:13:27]  My woke-ass daughter?
[00:13:28]  Yeah, it's... That's what they think.
[00:13:33]  Like, they think that I'm fucking up because she handed out pamphlets to the people in the kitchen at her mom's work.
[00:13:40]  Like, they think I'm fucking up for that.
[00:13:42]  No, that fucking rules.
[00:13:43]  Tell the listener what your daughter did.
[00:13:46]  Oh yeah, we got these pamphlets that are basically like, um, how to respond if ICE comes to your door.
[00:13:51]  This is for people, this is for the people who we're worried for.
[00:13:55]  This is the people that need it.
[00:13:56]  Yeah, it's like legal information for undocumented citizens.
[00:14:00]  Um, the whole thing is all in Spanish and she's like, oh, this is like my homegirls in the back, where my mom works, they all work at a restaurant, you know, She recognized that's what we're talking about.
[00:14:12]  It's not hypothetical people, it's her friends.
[00:14:14]  Yeah.
[00:14:14]  You know?
[00:14:15]  Although she's five, these are her friends.
[00:14:17]  These are her homegirls.
[00:14:20]  She took them back there and gave them all to them.
[00:14:23]  The whole fat stack of them, so I kind of lost more than I needed to.
[00:14:26]  But they distributed them amongst their friends, which is more than I can do.
[00:14:30]  No, that's great.
[00:14:31]  That's beautiful.
[00:14:32]  And she was like, we need more.
[00:14:33]  Dude, you could get away with handing out so much radical material if you just get your five-year-old daughter to do it.
[00:14:39]  Yeah.
[00:14:40]  I'm trying to teach her how to use a lighter so she can start burning flags, but her little fingers just don't do it right.
[00:14:46]  Yeah, got to build up those calluses.
[00:14:48]  I don't want her to use one of those barbecue lighters, the long ones with the red handles.
[00:14:52]  That just doesn't look as cool.
[00:14:53]  No, it doesn't, but then that way you don't have to touch the flag.
[00:14:55]  You can do it from a distance.
[00:14:56]  Oh, that's true.
[00:14:57]  That's true.
[00:14:58]  Maybe she should just spit fire.
[00:15:01]  Uh, I love this, though.
[00:15:03]  Uh, woke gran- quote, woke grandchildren who asked over pa- like, this is her using the word woke incorrectly.
[00:15:11]  Like, if your grandchildren are asking whether or not ICE is gonna come and arrest them, then they're, like, still pretty naive.
[00:15:17]  Yeah.
[00:15:17]  You know what I mean?
[00:15:18]  Like, they're not, like, they're not woke.
[00:15:19]  They're, like, dumb kids.
[00:15:21]  Like, but, you know.
[00:15:23]  Also, how old are these people at the rally?
[00:15:25]  They're your grandma, and your aunt, and your sister.
[00:15:31]  All ages.
[00:15:33]  One even praised the strength and dedication of convicted cop killer Asada Shakur, while Ocasio-Cortez, who was waiting in the wings, and Bush nodded along.
[00:15:44]  But then, Ocasio-Cortez spoke, followed by Bush, and I saw something truly terrifying.
[00:15:50]  I saw just how easy it would be, were I less involved and less certain of our nation's founding and its history, to fall for the populist lines they were shouting from that stage.

=== Accepting Deserve Healthcare (00:24) ===

[00:16:02]  Then there's a bulleted list of the things that she's fucking mortally terrified of.
[00:16:07]  I saw how easy it would be, as a parent, to accept the idea that my children deserve healthcare and education.
[00:16:14]  Holy shit.