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May 12, 2025 - Lionel Nation
42:10
Mrs. L and I Vanish into Nature for Mother’s Day—What We Found Was Pure Magic
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Time Text
Gorgeous Day Outdoors 00:08:33
I always wait a second before this starts, because whenever I play this back, I told you before there's this glitch.
Well, guess who my guest is today?
Ta-da!
Happy Mother's Day!
I hope you can hear her.
We're going to be perambulating about.
I'm not going to say, I'm not going to go into detail where.
We're just out and about on this beauteous day, on this nature.
Got to get a little closer.
Any special thoughts for our friends today?
I hope everybody's enjoying the day and they're taking a few minutes away from their everyday type of being and doing a few things that are a little different today, even if it's 10 or 15 minutes.
I'm wondering if I should take the headphones off and let you speak.
I don't really know.
No, go ahead.
That is so cute.
I don't want to take pictures of babies.
So how was the day so far, my darling?
The day is perfect.
The weather is gorgeous.
So many people out and about, happy with the great weather.
I'm going to take this out.
Let me ask you if you think this is better.
Does this sound better?
Give me a five by five.
What sounds better?
Because I think we can pick up Mrs. L better.
Does that make sense?
How are you going to walk like that?
I'm going to walk like that with my arm up.
That's a little...
It looks stupid.
That's a little stressful.
Well, not really.
Really?
Okay.
Not really.
I can hold it, too.
Anyway, what's everybody doing?
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers.
Any mothers, grandmothers?
There's all kinds of mothers, you know?
Mothers to friends, mothers to neighbors.
Families are all different dynamics, but it is Mother's Day.
Yes.
In fact, we're going to sit down on this little bench up here first.
What do you say?
A little bit of bench?
This bench or one down the road.
Whatever you want.
You want to sit here?
Yeah, just for a moment.
We'll send some love.
You're part of this.
You haven't been on one of my walks.
No.
Well, I was three times square.
Yes, you were.
Taking our life into our hands that night.
What is this?
Oh.
Here, have a seat.
I think they're dedicating a bench.
You know you've made it, you know you've made it when you, when you, when you, when you, well, when you devote yourself to a bench.
Anyway, can you believe how beautiful this is?
The weather's gorgeous, there's a breeze.
Speaking of gorgeous, look at you.
Look at the, um, hot stuff.
Sexy superstar husband of mine.
Listen, the breeze, hear the leaves rustling?
Oh!
And I love that smell of grass.
It's beautiful.
There's a quiet, although there's a lot of people, a lot of people in here.
It's quiet, you're that quiet, I love it.
I love Mrs. L's hair.
Beautiful, as always.
My hair's up.
It's up.
We had a hell of a day so far.
We went by Costco.
That is just...
Because you're always hyperventilating there.
That's a little much for you.
It's a little much.
We had to get the provisions for the week.
Certain things you have to get.
We have to get that.
Let me go to a place called Stew Leonard's.
I got my Florida corn, which I love in the husk.
There's nothing, nothing.
And when the Jersey corn season comes through, oh, you're gorgeous.
Well, thank you, Christine.
I appreciate that.
We went to Michael's, so I can get some frames.
We went to the Michael's art store, and invariably, we have this app that we can't access.
This doesn't access, so they have this poor guy with pink hair who is helping out everybody.
Every customer he was helping.
Everybody in the self service.
They make it impossible when you're trying to access a coupon so you just walk away so you won't access it.
I know.
I know.
They used to just, you put your phone number in, you get your coupons and rewards.
But he ended up saying, ah, what the hell, here's...
What the hell, let me put it in.
A couple of bucks out here.
So anyway, it is gorgeous today.
Here's a man, he's talking to himself.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
It's not very far.
I don't, I...
I guess we're doing this.
I guess this is maybe...
We're doing the same thing.
Well, we're kind of doing the same thing, but we're live streaming.
This guy...
Nobody puts...
Maybe it's better not to put the phone up to your head.
I think it's better.
Yeah, probably better.
I think putting all these things in our ears, I think it's done something to everybody's brains.
I know, I really do.
This is so stupid.
I've got this.
I've got this.
Why do you have that in your ears?
I have no idea.
Because I'm crazy.
I think people can hear us.
Can they hear us?
Can you hear me okay?
Be honest.
Give me a five by five.
Are we coming through?
How many people are on there?
I can't see.
Uh, 117.
Interesting.
31 likes.
You gotta like those.
That's it.
Loud and clear.
Look at this.
If 117 are on there, we need 117 likes.
By the by.
There's another one.
I did.
Another guy talking to himself.
I don't want to show you their pictures, I think.
No, no, we don't do that.
I don't want to betray their privacy.
No, no, no, we do not do that.
There is, um, I did a great interview with Eric Thaddeus Walters.
Oh my God!
Wait till you, wait till you hear this.
I'm still absorbing some of the information.
Well, this Leo XIV may actually be a legit pope.
He may actually be correcting the anti-pope who was no good, and that's Francis.
That's another story.
That's another program.
Another story, another program.
Louis Block, ladies and gentlemen, joins us.
Who else is there?
Look how great that is.
Don't put the camera on.
The two girls playing volleyball.
Two little girls at soccer.
They're doing volleyball.
One girl was trying to do a handstand.
I couldn't do it.
I never had a handstand.
You were very, from what I understand.
Yes, I was into the gymnastics.
Not me.
Not me, in the least.
I knew no...
Oh yeah, you're right.
It's a soccer ball.
Well, but they're doing a combination.
They are doing volleyball.
That's good.
They're running around in the grass.
I like to see people...
Making noise.
I like to see...
Physical activity.
There was a woman...
I'm thinking very...
There's a place called Stu Leonard's.
S-T-E-W.
Stu as in Stuart Leonard's.
And there was a woman...
I got my Florida corn.
You were doing the Michaels thing.
So I went to get my Florida corn, and all of a sudden...
They said, oh, four or five!
So I walked over, and there was this woman.
She looked like she was born in her 70s, wavering her arms.
Open here!
I said, you're not to scream.
She says, I don't scream.
I said, I think that was scream.
So we got into this debate.
And normally they're so nice to students.
This woman was going to, like, take me to attack.
I'm taking my time picture and picking frames up.
I said, you're flailing your arms around and screaming.
And she said...
And I told her, I said, listen, I'd love to debate this with you, but I've got to go.
Let's go.
I'm sure you won the debate.
No.
As you walked on.
I'm a master.
Well, she doesn't have to be like that.
You know, it takes such little effort just to be nice.
Think about it.
There was a woman at the CVS.
Remember the one...
I haven't seen her like this.
She looked like...
Her name's like Migs or something.
She looked always mad.
I think her name was Rose, actually.
Look at this.
It's been me five years from now.
Kiss.
You get stiff.
I try not to slow down.
That was good before.
She's talking about stiff.
Give me a favor.
If you're in pain, don't complain.
Nobody wants to hear it.
There's no reason.
Nobody wants to hear you're in pain.
Nobody!
Nobody!
I hope so.
But if you're in pain, don't tell anybody.
Nobody cares.
Tell me more, Ma, about how stiff you are.
Tell me about your aches and pains.
Oh, I love to see kids.
You know what we also, what I love to do, too, is we saw that place, where was it?
Fireworks and Fins 00:03:09
It's in West Orange, the 9-11 joint.
Black families have family reunions, and they all have the t-shirts, you know, the Jefferson family, the Thompson, whatever, and they're all having fun.
We should go there.
But we're not, imagine, we'll walk up and say, Uncle Dave!
Who are you?
We can be there.
Anyway, but that's a beautiful thing.
Also, there was a place in Clifton, New Jersey.
Let me tell you.
In Clifton, where they had...
They're playing cricket.
The Indians.
you hear the bells The peal of a bell and the Christmas tree smell in the eye.
No, in this.
Eyes full of fins on the fire.
I believe in Father...
What was it?
Three bells?
It's not even...
It's 3.30.
Don't you ever sit back and wonder what people's stories are?
Like, what's their story?
What are they all about?
I'm glad to see people out.
I'm glad to hear the birds.
I see a lot of dogs.
The kids are running around playing.
All different ages of kids here.
A little bit older.
Little ones.
Breaking news.
China and U.S. make a trade deal.
Of course we knew the whole time.
Let me tell you what Trump does.
Trump goes in there and he says these stupid ass things and then he says, "I love it!
The Gulf of America.
I'm gonna make Canada the 51st state." Did you see how he's distancing himself from Netanyahu and this?
He wants to recognize a Palestinian state?
What the hell is going on here?
I just say don't even bother.
He says these things and then later on he...
He starts off really hard.
You know what I mean?
Really tough and then all of a sudden he changes his mind.
Look at this.
I'll just check it out on Tuesday.
I'll be in D.C. Yes, the art of the day.
Wait till Mrs. Dell tells you after the fact where she's going.
That's all I'm going to tell you.
Oh, is that beautiful?
Oh yeah, this is a good one.
And even then, perhaps not.
One uses discretion.
We are...
We are...
There's so much stuff.
And you've got to do that because of the muck and the mire and the horror that you have to look through.
Well, I don't see anybody pulling their pants down going to the bathroom.
Well, the day's young.
You know how I get.
Sometimes I get incontinent.
I've got to fire away.
Fire when ready.
When you see that in New York sometimes, it's just so disgusting.
I think so.
I mean, it's just...
Have you seen the TED Talk on...
Open defecation in India.
I don't want to talk about it.
It's a wonderful...
It's Mother's Day.
It's a great, great...
We're going to watch it later.
It's fantastic.
Okay, well, you can...
I don't have to see it.
I know what it is.
Jewish Mothers' Wisdom 00:09:35
Be on the look, CL.
There you go.
This breeze is beautiful.
Isn't this serene?
Yep.
Can you hear the clip clap?
Don't run.
Seriously.
Why don't they just fast walk?
Exactly.
What is that?
Reno, Nevada, happy Mother's Day.
India and Pakistan are fighting each other again.
Happy Mother's Day to everybody out there.
Mothers are the backbone of the family.
If we had women running the world, I'm convinced...
There'd be no...
No, we'd be in a better place.
There'd be no wars, but there'd be a lot of people giving each other dirty looks.
But there'd be a lot of mean girls, maybe.
Because I think at my age, I would have to run into the mean girls.
Oh, wouldn't you love that?
I thought I left them behind in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade.
I didn't.
I didn't know.
How about women who have this missed adolescence who want to just go over there, just talk about how hot they are.
They think they're living in, like, sex in the city.
Yeah!
They think they're woo-hoo!
How was that again?
How was that?
Woo-hoo, girls!
Or they look hideous, you know.
Or they do this.
50, 60, 70 years old.
Love, love, love.
They look hideous.
Something about...
They're like a little hippie couple wearing sandals.
I will never wear sandals.
Never.
So many people are wearing sandals.
I noticed it in the city.
Birkenstocks?
Yes.
What's the point?
Why do you want to walk out with your feet getting dirty?
I think they're very comfortable, probably.
I don't think so.
You couldn't pay me to wear all that stuff.
Give me a set of pair of Allbirds.
Look at what's on my feet.
That's good.
You know?
There you go.
Just figuring it out.
There's a thing.
I like that.
That's good.
That's like a family.
I like the old hippie look.
You know, that reminds me of like the ones who go to like the Strand.
They have the old guy with the ponytail and the Strand bag and the tie-dye shirt.
You know, we brought it up the other day.
Remember Colony Records?
Yes, next to the Brill Building where I took you.
And I used to go in there and they would have those old hippies.
That's a long story.
That joke is not even a joke.
In 1939, they would tell you everything.
You'd go in to look for a particular song.
They'd give you the history.
It was fascinating.
It was like just walking into a museum.
That hurt me when that closed.
I like old head shops.
We would have, when I was a teenager, they would have some Vietnam vet, some dude who ran it, smelled of incense they showed.
They had the metal frames.
You could buy the posters, buy Zappa Krapa.
I mean, that was one.
All these, it was just, I could just spend hours looking through the albums.
I don't know if you've ever seen anything at all, but when the kids were doing the lemonade stand, there was like a camera.
That's a professional.
You know what?
It's Mother's Day, they're out.
Talking about motherly things.
She's a professional mom.
She's talking about the kid's lemonade stand.
It's very nice to hear these things in 2020.
It is nice.
It's good.
I love hearing about a lemonade stand.
Remember the one?
We saw one not too far from here.
The one time there was a kid at a lemonade stand.
A kid cleared, cleaned house!
We just gave the money.
We just gave the money.
We didn't want the sugar.
I'm not really sure.
Because you always think fentanyl.
It's laced.
Well, you know what?
Again, I would not...
She doesn't take anything from the lemonade stand.
Yeah.
That was a few years ago.
Oh, she takes nothing from anything?
Nope.
Not with what we know.
Everything is contaminated pretty much.
Be very careful.
That's why I like cooking at home a lot.
Yes, yes, yes.
Eat at home, make our own food, you know, what goes into it.
You know what ingredients we use.
Remember the head shops where they had, or the places where you could store your stash.
They had these.
They would all...
They also had, they were designed to steal, to store your jewelry.
And there'd be like a WD-40 or, the best is Cheetos.
I remember those Cheetos cans, like tennis ball cans with Cheetos or Pringles.
Yeah, but Cheetos.
Put it in there.
Really?
I never ate that stuff.
I had Pringles once.
Always store your jewelry stuff in the kitchen.
That's what you did.
Nobody, well, jewelry.
I don't know about that stuff.
Remember a disc washer?
Remember the disc washer inside?
They had that little wooden device that had the corrugated, rivulated whatever that brush was or that coarse coating where you would put the drops inside there.
Rumor has it, from what I read, Jesus Christ Superstar was the best album because it was very coarse to sift seeds and stuff.
Now, what I read, look at that.
They got a picnic.
Look at that.
The mother's got that.
Oh, they're leaving.
Well, they just had the picnic with the kids.
They're cleaning up.
My dishwasher looked like a Corvette.
There was a little car.
Oh.
Don't you remember the old dishwashers when we were kids?
Oh, yeah.
You would hook it up to the sink.
The sink, yeah.
I mean, we're going back.
We had one you had to reach down.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
No.
Reach down.
The door didn't open to the front.
It was a top loader.
Oh, yes, yes.
It was a top loader.
Yes, yes.
Oh, it was awful.
I was always reaching in there all the time.
And she cleans the dishes better than...
What am I saying?
Me in five years.
He can't sit up straight.
I don't want my back to look like that.
He has kyphosis versus lordosis.
Look it up.
Look at the difference.
No, I wash dishes.
No, you clean them up before you put them in the dishwasher.
They're better.
I don't want all the food.
And this is what we say all the time.
Is this clean?
I can't tell you.
No, they're dirty.
I'm saying, this is dirty?
I'm looking it up.
My God, is this clean?
I will not put stuff all over in the dishwasher.
And we got our little pods.
Remember the old days that stuff that...
Powder.
Powder, yeah, we'd scoop it out.
They had that little...
Now we've got the pods.
Justin Vegas is very sweet to see.
I don't know what that means.
What's sweet?
I think we're sweet.
We're sweet.
We're sweet and innocent.
Who was that?
I don't know about the innocent part.
No, that was Donny Osmond somewhere.
Donny Osmond.
He could rock.
Donny Osmond's great.
Donny can rock.
How about Tony DeFranco?
Say the land stands for me.
Written by Doc Palmas.
Look at this.
Amazon working constantly.
Coming home...
Listening to 80s music.
You hear that music?
Coming home this morning about 5...
5 o 'clock.
Amazon trucks.
Delivery.
People are getting food and delivery.
They did improve the hand-washing dish formula, but I use a dishwasher.
There you go.
No, they did.
There's so much dish washing, there's so much of everything.
So many shampoos, so many deodorants, so many of these things.
So many toothpastes, there's so much of everything.
You guys should get a bicycle built for two then you would really look sweet and then you could go pro and gopro yeah You know we saw too we were in a part of driving around It's a very,
it's a Jewish, Jewish group, and they have the Whig, Orthodox Jew, the Jewish Whig.
Jewish neighborhood.
Jewish neighborhood, yeah.
You know, but it means the Jewish Whig, which is fine.
And they even had a daughter who was like, they were like climbing.
You know, we saw it today too, listen to this.
So cute, little ducks.
I was in a river truck.
Little ducks crossing a railroad.
I was with their mother and their father.
I was in a river truck.
How do you know it was their father?
There was one big one in the front, one big one in the back.
And you never see, you never see, you never see baby pigeons.
Somebody brought them in.
I've never seen a baby, all my years.
Never have seen.
Maybe they stay until they're bigger in the nest.
I have to look up what pigeons do.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Crocs.
Crocs are the, it's the end of civilization.
Who is that chef?
Atali.
Mario Batali.
He got rid of him.
He really got rid of him.
Oh!
Remember Spotted Pig?
He was rockin'!
It's a family show I can't mention.
Oh, terrible.
Eataly on...
There's a slew of them.
That'll do great, isn't it?
There's one down in Massa Square Park, 23rd Street.
There's one in the Short Hills Mall that's doing loads of business.
I know, that's right.
Now I'm on the vocal craver.
Scarsdale Scandals 00:15:25
We're going to have to check out the Eater League.
Although I don't like to go where everybody else goes.
We drove by our place, Tick Tock, on Route 3, where the stones went.
I love it.
I love it.
Lori Buccox says, Happy Mother's Day, Mrs. L. Thank you for helping kids.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Happy Mother's Day to all the ladies out there.
I can't say it enough.
They're all our children.
We're getting to think of them.
We have to look out for all.
We have to all be mothers.
Well, it was interesting.
This morning I went through a hormonal change, how women change, and what oxytocin does after childbirth.
Not only there's a sense of warmth, but there's this weird kind of a commitment, this rabid ferocity that women have towards their children.
You've seen this.
Girls who, 15, 16, ooh, that's gross.
I think they're just self-centered.
And they have a kid, and all of a sudden...
Well, it gives them purpose.
Yes, but...
Be their baby.
But the one who says, eh, it's now picking up poopy diapers and weighing it.
When it's your child, it's different, and...
But how quick that is.
You've seen this happen before.
So that's the way it should be.
That's why you've got a bunch of...
We know a bunch of people.
A lot of people who've never married, have no kids, know nothing, and they're just...
You know...
Selfishness.
I think...
And they get really selfish, I think, when they turn about 50. They lose their mind.
They get really, like...
Because you don't realize it's over.
No, don't talk about it.
It's never over.
I believe there's somebody out there for everybody.
Well, yeah.
That's what they said about Manson.
But, they get very, um...
I'm just speaking of the ones I know.
They get very, like, selfish.
Oh.
If you're in a restaurant, you're a child.
I have a lot of patience for that.
I feel like the poor mother, the poor father...
It's a child.
They're supposed to maybe cry or get fussy.
Really.
I know.
Even when I'm in an airplane, it doesn't bother me.
They're children.
What's it supposed to do?
They're children.
And these people get so bent out of shape.
It's disgusting.
We went one time, remember the one, a friend of ours who's no longer with us.
They had, they brought in strollers or prams or whatever it was.
And she was bent out of shape and said, what do you want?
No.
I really, I think you should always limit...
We need all the children we can get.
I mean, we have to protect them, but...
You should limit yourself to getting pissed off about things that really matter.
Not stuff that...
I want to be family friendly to...
I mean, we're not talking about a romantic restaurant.
You know what I mean?
You go for eight o 'clock dinner.
No, no, right, right, right.
Let parents come out, and as long as, you know, they're okay.
I want to do a show.
People have to be more accommodating.
I'm sorry.
I want to do a show starring one of my favorite people.
We go to this one...
Supermarket type.
And there's a woman.
Bless her heart.
She is.
They call her.
I love this.
Somebody says, you know, she's high-functioning autistic.
And I'm thinking, she's high-functioning?
What does that mean, high-functioning?
It means high-functioning relative.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good evening.
Down.
Down.
That was it.
Do I believe...
Manson had nothing to do with those...
Excuse me.
Manson had nothing to do with them.
Nothing.
Especially with the bug.
Lee Harvey Oswald had nothing to do with JFK.
Nothing.
Nothing.
He was MKUltra.
He was a probation officer.
We went through all this stuff.
But anyway, so there's this woman.
So she's...
She'll stand outside and she'll say...
How are you?
She means what.
I know she means what.
I like her.
So she says, aisle number four is open.
She goes out and people say, no, it's okay.
I like to check out.
No, we're open!
I know you're open.
I know you're open, but I prefer this.
So one time, away from her because she kind of scares people.
I want to give her a job.
What did we hear about her one time?
That's very, very good.
Oh, the snow.
She comes in snowstorms.
She takes a bus.
She doesn't ever miss a day at work.
She's not calling in sick.
How are you?
But I appreciate that.
But one time, I thought I would be a sport.
We had this bottled water in the bottom of the carriage or the boogie, whatever you want to call it.
So I thought I would pick it up and put it on the conveyor to help.
She didn't have a...
She got empty now.
She said, she basically said, I got a gun!
Now listen to this.
She said, I've got a gun.
Meaning she's got that gun you use that reads the UPC thing.
But she's yelling, this high-functioning artist, she's yelling, I've got a gun.
I'm thinking, you know, I phrase that differently.
One of those e-bikes.
E-bikes?
Those things go 40 miles an hour, 45 miles an hour.
High-functioning.
Oh, they're taking family photos.
I was wondering, they're all in this scene.
They're all in this big family.
They're all in colors of blue.
That's weird.
That's very cultish.
That's very good.
Kid is hauling ass.
Father's saying, God damn it!
Get back here!
Something's wrong with that kid.
That kid is looking for freedom.
Look at this guy.
That's determined.
Wilfred Brimley.
Absolutely, and they're not complaining.
How are you?
I've got a gun!
She takes buses and shows up.
That was funny.
You know what's happening?
I'm wearing this thing that...
I find humor in this.
LeCoin.
This is beauty.
I never sit like this.
I don't think I can get up.
Don't talk about that.
It's not because we're stiff.
No, it's not that.
I'm enjoying it.
You two have a gift.
I got a gift.
I'm enjoying...
You're my best friend.
You're my best friend.
Seriously.
I don't want anybody else.
We can do the most mundane stuff.
We're doing it right now.
And just...
And we think the same thing at the same time.
I did that today.
I gotta tell you this story.
The other day, we will fixate.
They say it's because I'm Virgo.
I'm actually pieces.
But I will fixate it with something.
So I told you I got this jury something this day.
I got a jury doing it.
I can't find it.
I couldn't find it.
She says, "Well, it was right here." Now, I can get it.
Believe me, I got connected.
I'll get another one.
But I said, "Where's your jersey?" "I don't know." "Well, did you throw it away?" I said, "How would I know if I threw it away?" I don't remember throwing it away.
We're looking through garbage.
We're like doing, like, forensic.
This is driving us crazy.
I swear to you, a ghost, something...
It was right there.
It was right in that spot.
I'm not throwing this thing away.
I've got it right there.
It's orange.
So anyway, it's driving me nuts.
And you know, sure as hell, it's going to be there.
Well, after the fact.
Do you believe in...
I mean, there's a certain amount of...
There's a certain type of poltergeist that are mischievous.
Why would they take the jury duty?
Because I don't know.
How are you?
They just know.
It's got to be there.
Because I never put the garbage out from the time...
You know what I mean?
And I went through all the garbage.
And I've looked all over.
It's driving me.
But anyway, but both of us, here we are, sifting through garbage.
It's a jury.
It doesn't matter.
But it's the principle.
Maybe because we're old and becoming fastidious and we're losing control.
Well, speak for yourself about being old.
Speaking of which, I want to ask you something.
You know what my goal is to be?
Listen to me.
I want to spend my last years being one of those product testers or people wearing a hairnet at a Costco to hand out like...
Yogurt balls, probiotic, and they just sit there scooping out.
And they're always trying to sell the stuff.
And some people just don't have...
Some people don't have any.
They're making no sales.
I can see you with the net on your head.
Oh, yeah.
Like talking to people.
Oh, absolutely.
People would love it.
Did you ever have one of these ladies who...
No, no.
Yeah, let me finish the...
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about at a store, they would have these ladies like Jimmy Dean sausage.
When Jimmy Dean came out, and they set up this little card table with this, like a tablecloth.
They have a frying pan, portable, and they have these little pieces of Jimmy Dean sausage.
This is fantastic!
People are buying it left and right.
And...
Can you read the story about...
Go ahead, I'm sorry.
Nothing.
I just never took strange food.
I had little toothpicks in it.
She'd be preparing, not putting it on a tray.
I never took strange food.
Do you ever hear the story about this guy who says, I want a job?
He says, what?
I want a job.
He says, you want a job?
He says, I don't know.
I can do it.
He says, well, we have a sales job.
I just don't think you'd be very good at it.
He says, I want a job.
He says, okay.
Here, I'll tell you what.
Here's a case of...
Actually, it's a pallet.
300 toothbrushes.
If you can sell those, we'll give you a job.
Let me get a manager.
I can't sell these things here.
I'll sell them!
Okay.
So anyway, next day, the guy comes back.
He says, here's the money.
He says, for what?
He goes, for the toothbrushes.
He says, you sold them?
All of them?
All of them?
A pallet?
How did you do it?
He says, well...
I set up a...
I set up a card table and I said, I have some dip and some chips.
Free dips and chip.
People come up, take a scoop of this, eat the dip, and somebody would say, it tastes like shit.
I said, it is.
Want to buy a toothbrush?
Ew!
That's like one of those bad Catskills type of things.
See, she doesn't, you know.
I get it.
I'm laughing on the inside.
But it is very sad because frequently I've passed that Friars Club on 55th.
And it's just a big, big step.
How did you go from a guy selling shit, dip, and chips?
Because it reminded me of some of those old comics like you used to know.
You know, she looks pretty good.
There's a woman walking by.
She's got one of those walkers.
And it says nitro sprint.
Isn't it funny how design, you know what I'm talking about, those wheels?
Those are great, those things.
They have those seats sometimes.
People can sit on them and they get firecracks.
Why didn't they think of this before?
I was thinking of that bad story you just told.
The Friars Club, what a beautiful building, a piece of real estate.
I'm going to talk about the design.
How long did it take people?
Remember a while back they had these This walker where they had tennis balls underneath the legs.
I thought that was pretty stupid.
Anyway, but it was a tennis ball.
Then, the idea was you can push this and you can hit the brakes and sit down or maybe store some stuff inside.
I think that's the smartest thing.
It took, what, 300 years for somebody to figure that one out?
It's just like wheels on a luggage.
I was going to say wheels on a suitcase.
Why didn't they think of this?
That man died only a few years ago.
It was from Scarsdale.
No.
Are you talking about the windshield wipers?
No.
I'm talking about the man who developed...
Intermittent windshield wipers.
No.
The wheels on the suitcase.
No.
You're talking about the guy who had intermittent windshield wipers.
No, I'm not.
I'm talking about the man with the wheels on the suitcase.
I don't know if anybody invented...
Well, maybe.
Yes.
Somebody had a patent on it.
Yes.
It was from Scarsdale.
Check this out.
Somebody tells me...
When we go home, I'll be checking him out.
Maybe.
He died about five years ago.
He was like 90. He was from Scarsdale.
You keep saying Scarsdale.
Like, Scarsdale makes a difference.
No, because I remember the whole story thinking, wow, he must have made a lot of money from having the patent on...
Scarsdale.
Scarsdale died, doctor.
Herbin Tarnauer.
Shot by his girlfriend, his wife, no, what was her name?
She went to prison.
Yes.
He was Herman Tarnauer.
Her name was...
What was her name?
What was the woman's name who killed Tarnauer?
I know, but I can't because I'm doing this.
Remember the Stillman diet?
Yeah, look it up.
Virginia?
No.
Virginia.
What was her name?
Oh, she did.
He was pushing up daisies.
Happy Mother's Day to all.
Look at this.
Stepmoms and all that fill in this bit.
Absolutely.
There's all different kinds of moms.
I'm all for it.
And adopted.
And we all need to be moms to everybody.
We all need to help each other.
We don't have respect.
Hit.
Hit.
Microphone.
What was the name of the woman that was killed by or that killed Herman Tarnow from the Scarsdale diet?
Hit.
Go.
Gene Harris.
Gene Harris.
How could we forget?
Gene Harris.
Read that.
The woman who killed Herman Tarnow after the Scarsdale died was Gene Harris.
Former headmistress.
Headmistress, yes.
The dearest school for girls.
Remember that?
She also was convicted of second-degree murder for shooting.
Damn, I'm trying to read it.
I'm sorry.
That's her.
Let's go to Wikipedia.
She died in 2012.
How much?
This nice woman, she's a...
Okay, the guy's a flim-flammer, but, you know.
I cheated on her.
Right.
She was crazy.
You want to take a walk around the place?
Let's go.
I've got to move.
Loves Pine Cones 00:00:54
Because you're getting stiff.
No, because I'm so comfortable and I never sit like this.
This is beautiful.
The smell of glass.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's walk.
You want to walk with us?
Come on.
I walk around with this damn thing like a stick.
Look at the dandelions.
Oh, look, here's a little pinecone.
I love pine cones, you know that.
She loves pine cones.
I do, I love pine cones.
It's the little things that make her happy.
I do, I have like a little bit of pine cones.
I'm stiff!
You know, I may hit that baby before, we may be ending this one.
A List for Everybody 00:05:46
You know, when you get to a certain age, I'm just saying, I'm just saying.
Look at this, I don't like this.
Yeah, this is not good.
No, no, no, no.
Not good.
Not good.
There's no excuse for that.
Porta-potties are good too, especially when they bake in the sun with the chemicals and they haven't been cleaned.
Yeah, smell the fun.
It's the smell of victory.
Oh, I'm so happy over there.
It smells like fresh grass.
It smells like fresh.
Like fresh grass.
Oh my God.
What is this?
I'd love it.
No, don't.
That looks like he's dead.
It looks like he fell and he's unconscious.
Let's keep going.
What if he's not okay?
Ooh, that's ammonia.
You can smell the uric acid.
See the fellow who's reading with his magnum?
That's good.
Here's something good for you.
Listen to this.
A late friend of ours did something which makes a lot of sense.
She used to wear...
You know those...
In the old days, when you would go to the dentist's office, they had these little clips.
You put them around your neck with the beaded...
The dentist has them.
They hold their little paper bin on.
So she puts your...
Well, they didn't put the lobsters.
Yes.
But she puts a regular napkin around it.
I thought that was brilliant.
I thought that was brilliant.
Totally brilliant.
Look at that little dog.
That's some serious training going on.
Is everybody having fun?
Are you enjoying this?
Are we still on?
How many people?
292.
Really?
That's serious.
Imagine, what are you doing?
We're watching these two people walk.
Why?
I don't know.
It's such a beautiful, the weather.
Look at this.
Huh?
Huh?
Oh, bells.
There's the bells again.
Oh, it's four o 'clock.
Oh, they should go four now.
You think?
Well, I don't know their system here.
I don't know their bell system.
There's Nitro Sprint over here, honey.
She's winded.
Good for her.
She's a little dog.
She is.
Bless her.
She's probably waiting on that drug deal.
Happy Mother's Day.
Bless her.
She's got little roses.
I don't know.
That could be a sensitive subject.
You know what?
You're right.
It was very rude.
You can't just say that.
Am I wrong?
No, but you can't just say that.
Am I wrong for saying that?
She's sitting there in her nitro sports.
She's all alone.
All alone, she's got flowers.
Was I wrong?
Maybe she went to church.
Church is going to have flowers.
If I'm wrong, vote yes.
If I'm right, vote no.
You can't just say that to women.
Was I wrong?
Here I am trying to be a nice guy.
I know, but...
And I'm being chided.
I'm being abraded.
Yes, husband.
I'm being excoriated.
I'm being execrated.
Husband, you...
Look at this.
Family phone.
Look at them.
How cute is that?
What is that?
I love it.
I don't know, but they're playing with the kids.
I love it.
Look at family time.
Look at these families.
They have this little gas-powered rocket that you step on.
You can judge it by the girth of mom.
She could put some horsepower behind that one.
A bunch of babies.
It feels like surgery.
See, you've got to imagine what we're seeing.
Not good.
Not good at all.
It looks like you could have a tumor or something.
Could be.
I feel that breeze.
Oh, summer breeze.
A little one getting away over there.
All kids want to do is run.
That's why.
You have to bring them outside and run.
And then you get older, and then you say, forget this.
Where am I running to?
What's the point?
In any event, I think we've had a lot of fun.
I think we should put an end to this.
You're probably...
Listen, we want to thank you...
We're charging these people enough.
We want to thank you for all of your love and your kindness as we perambulate, locomote, peregrinate about.
We really want everybody...
To have a mother's, and even if you're not a mother, you know, see now you got me wondering, should I say something?
No, it's a Sunday.
I want everybody to have a little relaxation.
It's four o 'clock already.
I want everybody just to forget about everything for a little bit, even if it's five or ten minutes, and just go out in the air or just put everything down.
Yes, the white range.
I think it's a drunk deal.
What do you think?
She's got her pusher.
I think she likes the bush with the flowers.
So she's on the phone describing leaves.
This is demented.
I don't have a bucket list.
This is called a shoot me list.
Have you ever seen me in a park describing leaves?
Do me a favor.
For all of us.
It's a beautiful kind of little tree bush.
It's a beautiful day.
Everybody needs to at least hear.
In the neighborhood.
Everybody needs to get out and relax.
What is that for you?
A weeping willow?
That's a weeping willow.
I love it.
Willow, will you weep for me?
That's dang me.
Roger Miller.
In any event, we love you.
I love you.
Love all everybody for listening.
I mean, watching us.
Happy Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day, everybody.
Have a great and glorious day.
Ta-ta.
Oh, and the monkey's dead and the show's over.
I'd sue you.
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