Lionel Nation - I Had A Colonoscopy Today and Saw the Face of God Aired: 2023-08-08 Duration: 18:31 === Be Ready For Anything (15:19) === [00:00:00] When uncertainty strikes, peace of mind is priceless. [00:00:05] Dirty Man Underground Safes protects what matters most. [00:00:09] Discreetly designed, these safes are where innovation meets reliability, keeping your valuables close yet secure. [00:00:16] Be ready for anything. [00:00:19] Use code DIRTY10 for 10% off today and take the first step towards safeguarding your future. [00:00:25] Dirty Man's Safe. [00:00:26] Because protecting your family starts with protecting what you treasure. [00:00:31] Disaster can strike when least expected. [00:00:34] Wildfires, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes. [00:00:37] They can instantly turn your world upside down. [00:00:40] Dirty Man Underground Safes is a safeguard against chaos. [00:00:44] Hidden below, your valuables remain protected no matter what. [00:00:48] Prepare for the unexpected. [00:00:50] Use code DIRTY10 for 10% off and secure peace of mind for you and your family. [00:00:55] Dirty Man Safe. [00:00:58] The storm is coming. [00:01:02] Markets are crashing. [00:01:04] Banks are closing. [00:01:05] When the economy collapses, how will you survive? [00:01:09] You need a plan. [00:01:12] Cash. [00:01:13] Gold. [00:01:13] Bitcoin. [00:01:14] Dirty Man safes keep your assets hidden underground at a secret location ready for any crisis. [00:01:21] Don't wait for disaster to strike. [00:01:24] Get your Dirty Man safe today. [00:01:27] Use promo code DIRTY10 for 10% off your order. [00:01:32] I had my colonoscopy today and it was hallucinogenic. [00:01:37] I saw the face of God. [00:01:39] It's the most incredible thing ever. [00:01:42] I've had them before. [00:01:44] And I want to explain a few things to you, which is, I think, the most funny. [00:01:49] It is funny. [00:01:50] It's funny because with all the stuff that we talk about, with all of our filthy talk and F this and F that and our demented sense of, you know, caprolalia and vile concupiscent language, when it comes to colons, colonoscopy, poop, People just lose their minds. [00:02:18] And even that cracks people up. [00:02:20] Do you ever wonder why that is? [00:02:22] Why is that? [00:02:23] You can go to any part. [00:02:25] And by the way, this is a very serious treatise on this, so don't dismiss this as me being jejun or silly. [00:02:35] Tell me that doesn't crack you up and why. [00:02:37] There's a reason for that. [00:02:38] There's an atavistic primordial reason. [00:02:41] For all of this. [00:02:43] But first I want to tell you about colonoscopies and why they're important. [00:02:47] And I was just watching so many of these various videos and they're all the same. [00:02:56] Here's the prep. [00:02:58] What do you do? [00:02:59] Because the prep is the part that everybody gets a little scared about. [00:03:02] It's nothing. [00:03:03] You talk to a woman who's had children. [00:03:05] You talk to a woman who's had an episiotomy or a pap smear, anything for that matter. [00:03:11] Anything grinding in mammograms. [00:03:16] What do we do? [00:03:18] They put a little tube. [00:03:20] You're knocked out. [00:03:23] You got that Jack O 'Jackson juice, propofol, milk of amnesia. [00:03:28] You're out. [00:03:30] Who knows? [00:03:30] You're done. [00:03:32] But yet we love to explain. [00:03:34] Let me stop for a second. [00:03:36] First, let me ask you. [00:03:37] This is very serious, by the way. [00:03:38] This saves a life. [00:03:39] I'm dead serious. [00:03:41] You've got to lighten up. [00:03:42] First, you've got to like this video, subscribe to the channel, and hit that little bell so you're notified of new videos. [00:03:48] By the way, this is the funniest. [00:03:50] You can get different sounds based upon the tackiness of your hands. [00:03:56] When you're sitting there talking to your colonoscopy nurse and they're asking you questions, are you allergic to any medication? [00:04:05] No. [00:04:06] When did you last eat? [00:04:08] Let me see. [00:04:09] It was about a... [00:04:10] Last month, you're joking. [00:04:14] I know what you're thinking. [00:04:15] I know. [00:04:16] I'm childish. [00:04:18] I admit it. [00:04:19] The humidity is not good. [00:04:22] I'll work on this. [00:04:24] By the way, that's a great joke. [00:04:25] Of all the places to be in a colonoscopy suite. [00:04:32] I think of what mankind has done. [00:04:34] I'm dead serious now. [00:04:36] I think about what mankind has done in terms of technology. [00:04:39] You might think of AI, AGI, yeah, going to the moon, whatever. [00:04:43] Don't get me started on that. [00:04:46] But I think the greatest idea of taking a camera, sticking it in your arse, taking pictures, and then if you have a funky lasso, a polyp, lassoing it, pull that baby out. [00:04:58] Also, they can put a little dye on it, so later on, if a surgeon's got to find it, there it is, they tattoo it. [00:05:03] It's brilliant! [00:05:05] It's brilliant! [00:05:08] Do you know how many lives have been saved from this? [00:05:11] Do you know how many lives? [00:05:14] And what's great when you're done, you tell the doctor, well, I'll see you in 10 years. [00:05:17] I'll be 75 years old. [00:05:20] See you in 10 years. [00:05:21] You won't even be here. [00:05:23] Whatever. [00:05:24] Which is the way it goes for most people. [00:05:27] But I gotta tell you something. [00:05:29] Whatever anybody talks about this, and you watch the videos, they always talk about this thing called the prep. [00:05:36] They make this big deal about the prep. [00:05:40] Oh my god, it's the prep. [00:05:42] Now, again, I don't think it's anything. [00:05:49] I saved my stuff. [00:05:52] You see this thing right here? [00:05:54] See this stuff? [00:05:56] It's not bad. [00:05:57] I'm not endorsing it now. [00:05:59] I'm just telling you what I took. [00:06:00] It's called Certab. [00:06:02] 12 pills in each one. [00:06:08] You take one every five minutes for an hour. [00:06:11] Wait an hour. [00:06:12] Drink your 16 ounces. [00:06:15] Comes in one of these great boxes. [00:06:16] When you go to the store, they know what it is. [00:06:18] Put it in a big bag. [00:06:22] And the worst part, as far as I'm concerned, is this awful, terrible diet. [00:06:27] Don't eat this. [00:06:27] Don't eat that. [00:06:28] Don't eat anything with nuts or with color or with bulk or anything. [00:06:33] Anything that you like. [00:06:35] You can have cream of wheat. [00:06:36] What? [00:06:37] You're going to... [00:06:38] It's... [00:06:39] That... [00:06:41] No. [00:06:43] Sorry. [00:06:46] It's nothing. [00:06:48] But it is funny, though, when you take it and you say, okay, I took it! [00:06:50] And then you wait. [00:06:52] Okay. [00:06:53] When is it going to hit? [00:06:55] When does Vesuvius hit? [00:06:57] Here we go! [00:06:58] When does it... [00:06:58] And all of a sudden... [00:07:00] What was that? [00:07:02] Nothing. [00:07:02] Nah, it's nothing. [00:07:05] Because you're waiting. [00:07:06] Does this stuff work? [00:07:08] I'd hope I didn't get a bum batch. [00:07:10] Oh, you didn't. [00:07:12] You'll know. [00:07:13] It's, hello? [00:07:15] Hello? [00:07:17] And you say, I'll be with you in a moment. [00:07:20] And you get up and you think, this is fantastic. [00:07:22] And it makes complete sense. [00:07:24] I'm not going to go into the physics of the prep and cleaning you up. [00:07:29] But it's not. [00:07:32] Absolutely not. [00:07:34] You know what was something for me? [00:07:36] You know what I went through in my life? [00:07:40] When I was 13 years old, I went to the doctor and he goes, hey, we found some white blood cells in your urine. [00:07:46] I said, no, it's good. [00:07:47] No, it's not good. [00:07:50] We're going to send you to the hospital. [00:07:52] Get an x-ray. [00:07:53] Take a picture. [00:07:54] Oh, okay. [00:07:56] Take a picture. [00:07:57] Put your chest up. [00:07:59] Hold your... [00:08:00] Well, this wasn't just a regular picture. [00:08:02] They wanted to take a picture of my bladder. [00:08:05] The bladder. [00:08:08] Not the outside. [00:08:10] Everything. [00:08:11] So they had to have it completely filled with contrast. [00:08:14] Every square inch of the bladder. [00:08:17] Because it turns out it was a diverticulum, this little growth on it. [00:08:23] So they had to see the bladder in its glory. [00:08:29] So they sent me into this room and they decided we're going to give you a catheter. [00:08:35] A what? [00:08:36] A catheter. [00:08:37] A catheter. [00:08:38] What's a catheter? [00:08:39] You'll see. [00:08:40] They call it a Foley. [00:08:41] I don't know if they call it now, but they called it a Foley. [00:08:44] I hate that name. [00:08:45] Hate that name. [00:08:46] So they put it in. [00:08:50] And the technician says, okay, we're going to run this. [00:08:53] We're going to fill you up. [00:08:54] When you feel uncomfortable, let me know. [00:08:56] I said, I'm uncomfortable. [00:08:57] They said, no, no, no. [00:08:57] When you're really uncomfortable. [00:08:59] I said, I'm really uncomfortable. [00:09:01] No, no way. [00:09:02] So they closed the door. [00:09:04] And I heard this thud. [00:09:06] And as you know, there is a certain thickness that is required for x-ray rooms and the like to be. [00:09:14] There's a certain thickness. [00:09:15] So when they close it, I thought, oh my God. [00:09:20] So I looked up and I saw this. [00:09:23] I don't even think they had bags in them. [00:09:25] This is a long time ago. [00:09:26] This was what? [00:09:28] 52 years ago? [00:09:33] I think they had like bottles of stuff. [00:09:35] So anyway, my abdomen is becoming distended. [00:09:38] And I said, hey! [00:09:40] Hey! [00:09:42] Hey! [00:09:45] And I'm looking pregnant. [00:09:47] I'm looking like that... [00:09:50] Remember that optimum? [00:09:51] I'm looking like, what is going on here? [00:09:53] This is not right. [00:09:55] I just heard this, oh my. [00:09:57] I said, oh my. [00:09:59] Kind of like we forgot. [00:10:01] Like, oh, these are going to be good pictures. [00:10:04] Now, have you ever had to micturate void, pee, and you thought you were going to explode? [00:10:12] Your bladder was nowhere near. [00:10:15] Complete capacity. [00:10:16] Never. [00:10:17] Nowhere. [00:10:17] With gases and with spate. [00:10:19] Never. [00:10:23] This was... [00:10:24] And he said, roll over, do this. [00:10:27] He took some pictures. [00:10:28] He says, okay. [00:10:29] I said, the greatest thing he pulls this tube out, I said, great. [00:10:34] Now you can void. [00:10:37] That's a big urological word. [00:10:39] I said, where? [00:10:41] Make it quick. [00:10:42] There's no bathroom. [00:10:43] The bathroom is outside. [00:10:47] The bathroom is outside. [00:10:49] And in this bathroom, it was built by, I think, by Phil Spector. [00:10:55] The wall of sound, the terrazzo, the sound. [00:11:00] I mean, every... [00:11:02] We'll get to that in a moment. [00:11:03] And it was like, the sound! [00:11:05] And I'm in there. [00:11:06] Thank God there was nobody in there. [00:11:08] I said, don't you have one? [00:11:09] Nope. [00:11:10] It was like, not the waiting room, but kind of. [00:11:12] So there are people waiting, looking for, you know, reading Jim Cutter's Quarterly, you know, these terrible magazines. [00:11:17] And I go in there, and it's a... [00:11:20] You could have chiseled granite with this. [00:11:26] Sandstone. [00:11:27] You could have cleaned off your patio with the forest, the PSI, Louis Belson sound. [00:11:38] And I can see people outside thinking like, oh my God. [00:11:42] Nobody wants to say that. [00:11:43] Okay. [00:11:45] So I walked out and said, whew, that was a close one. [00:11:49] And when you go to the hospital, remember two things. [00:11:51] Leave your money and your pride at the door. [00:11:53] Don't worry about that. [00:11:54] By the way, interesting story. [00:11:55] One time I had to go back to one of these suites, this radiological suite. [00:11:59] I had a thing called a retrograde urethrogram, which is a long story. [00:12:02] I'll tell you that one. [00:12:03] Had a voiding cystogram and IVP. [00:12:06] And I was waiting. [00:12:07] And sure enough, they had this poor guy who had a colonoscopy, I think, then in the old days when it was more primitive. [00:12:11] And they did a thing called with contrast. [00:12:13] That means with air. [00:12:15] So this guy had about 25 pounds of compressed air in his colon. [00:12:22] So when he gets done with this, he runs out with the gown holding it. [00:12:26] He goes into the wall of sound. [00:12:28] This thing sounded like Corregidor or da da da da da da da da boom boom I mean, Louie Belson, Al Hurt, I'm thinking of Bazooki's It Was Something. [00:12:45] And I felt like clapping, like, yeah! [00:12:48] Now I'm in there reading the Jim Cutter's quarterly, and he's in there, you know, with this sound. [00:12:56] So that was something. [00:13:00] Very quickly when I had my... [00:13:01] It turns out they said, yeah, you got a diverticulum. [00:13:03] I said, yeah, I knew that. [00:13:04] So they took it out. [00:13:05] They resected it. [00:13:06] Dissect, resect, cut this. [00:13:08] And they told me, and they said, 13 years old. [00:13:13] I've got morphine and Keith Richards. [00:13:19] They had bags of stuff next to the bed. [00:13:22] And, you know, I had people like... [00:13:23] And that was on the... [00:13:25] The pediatric ward. [00:13:26] Don't ask me why. [00:13:27] I was 13, but it was kind of like borderline. [00:13:29] So these kids are going in there for their tonsillectomy. [00:13:31] And this is where you're going to have the nice doctor. [00:13:35] And they bring me out. [00:13:36] With the blood and the bags and the hair. [00:13:40] And the first day you're in there, the nurse will say, do you want me to wash you? [00:13:46] No, I'll wash myself. [00:13:47] I'm 13 years old. [00:13:48] I have modesty. [00:13:48] I have morals. [00:13:50] What are you talking about? [00:13:52] After this? [00:13:54] I said, hang on. [00:13:55] You don't care about anything. [00:13:59] So they came in one day and they said, listen, we're going to have to go for a ride. [00:14:03] I said, what? [00:14:03] Go for a ride? [00:14:04] Now this surgery, they cut into me, through the abdomen, into the bladder. [00:14:09] I've got drains. [00:14:11] I mean, the slightest molecule that hits me, I'm hitting that. [00:14:17] I'm like a rat in one of these Skinner cages hitting that morphine. [00:14:21] Why isn't this working? [00:14:24] Can you up the dose? [00:14:26] I'm like wearing a beret. [00:14:27] I'm listening like that. [00:14:29] I'm a full-blown junkie. [00:14:31] I'm at the age of 13. Anyway, so they said, we're going to give you a ride. [00:14:36] I said, you're not going to put me. [00:14:38] I'm not moving. [00:14:39] He said, well, if we don't, we're going to put a big needle in your lung and take out all the fluid. [00:14:42] I said, where's that wheelchair? [00:14:44] So they stuck me in the side of the wheelchair. [00:14:46] Now, a couple of things. [00:14:47] Whenever you have a tube, whenever you have a catheter, any kind of drain, there's a little balloon that they inflate with saline to keep from coming out. [00:14:55] Makes sense. [00:14:55] It keeps sliding out. [00:14:58] Meanwhile, they put this on the side and there's like 10 miles of tube. [00:15:03] I don't know why. [00:15:03] They're kind of like shoving it in the side and they're putting it up here. === Surreal Scream Moment (01:39) === [00:15:06] And I'm walking down the hall being pushed. [00:15:10] The hair looks like a cross between Tom Waits and Shane McGowan, sort of. [00:15:18] With better teeth. [00:15:20] So in any event, what happened was the tube, you got it, got caught in the axle. [00:15:28] So as I'm pushing, I said, hey! [00:15:32] Hey! [00:15:33] And I grabbed the wheels and I let out a, it was like a scream almost, I think birds, certain swallows, capistrano, they Lost Direction. [00:15:47] It was like that awful scene of Sofia Coppola in Godfather 3 where you were kind of glad. [00:15:54] Hal Pacino, great actor. [00:15:57] Edvard Munch, whatever his name was, The Scream. [00:16:00] I mean, it was a surreal moment. [00:16:04] Kids are looking at me like, what's the matter? [00:16:06] I grab the wheel. [00:16:07] They pick the wheelchair up. [00:16:09] Two guys carried it in. [00:16:13] Put it in the back. [00:16:14] Try to uncoil. [00:16:15] I'm in not pain. [00:16:17] Pain is like, you know, when you stub your toe. [00:16:19] This is surreal pain. [00:16:23] And I turned to them and I grabbed somebody and said, I want my dope. [00:16:27] And I don't want the usual. [00:16:29] No, no, no. === The Greatest Thing in the World (02:01) === [00:16:30] We'll take care of you. [00:16:31] No, no. [00:16:32] No, no. [00:16:33] Thank God they have pity. [00:16:34] Oh, no, no. [00:16:34] We'll give you a special one. [00:16:37] So I was doing great. [00:16:39] I'm singing White Room and... [00:16:44] That was pain. [00:16:47] Colonoscopy is nothing. [00:16:50] It's the greatest thing in the world, the fact that they can do this. [00:16:53] So if you have the slightest indication, the slightest reluctance, the slightest hesitation, the slightest... [00:16:59] Ask your physician, see what they think, and it's absolutely nothing. [00:17:06] It's the greatest thing in the world. [00:17:08] I don't remember any of it. [00:17:12] But I've never... [00:17:13] At a loss. [00:17:14] I'm never able to understand why people love to make such a big deal out of this thing. [00:17:18] The prep. [00:17:19] It's nothing. [00:17:20] And I wanted to share this with you because... [00:17:22] There we go. [00:17:24] I find intestines, colons, even mothers whose first... [00:17:32] Remember when mothers wait for the meconium? [00:17:34] The baby's first poop. [00:17:36] If you don't do that, you die. [00:17:40] It's not... [00:17:42] It's not a bad habit. [00:17:44] You die. [00:17:47] You know, I think, therefore I am. [00:17:49] I, therefore I am. [00:17:52] And yes, it's true, I do have a childish way of looking at it. [00:17:56] But childish doesn't mean bad. [00:17:59] Alright, dear friends, thank you so much. [00:18:01] Please like the video, subscribe, subscribe to the channel. [00:18:05] Please also, if you could and you would, do me a favor. [00:18:09] Write down your worst hospital moment of agony. [00:18:14] Something you went through. [00:18:16] Something that you went through where you thought this is some form of torture that maybe the UN should intervene on your behalf regarding. [00:18:25] And then even, thanks for watching. [00:18:27] Have a great and a glorious day. [00:18:30] And comment.