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Aug. 8, 2023 - Lionel Nation
18:31
I Had A Colonoscopy Today and Saw the Face of God

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I had my colonoscopy today and it was hallucinogenic.
I saw the face of God.
It's the most incredible thing ever.
I've had them before.
And I want to explain a few things to you, which is, I think, the most funny.
It is funny.
It's funny because with all the stuff that we talk about, with all of our filthy talk and F this and F that and our demented sense of, you know, caprolalia and vile concupiscent language, when it comes to colons, colonoscopy, poop, People just lose their minds.
And even that cracks people up.
Do you ever wonder why that is?
Why is that?
You can go to any part.
And by the way, this is a very serious treatise on this, so don't dismiss this as me being jejun or silly.
Tell me that doesn't crack you up and why.
There's a reason for that.
There's an atavistic primordial reason.
For all of this.
But first I want to tell you about colonoscopies and why they're important.
And I was just watching so many of these various videos and they're all the same.
Here's the prep.
What do you do?
Because the prep is the part that everybody gets a little scared about.
It's nothing.
You talk to a woman who's had children.
You talk to a woman who's had an episiotomy or a pap smear, anything for that matter.
Anything grinding in mammograms.
What do we do?
They put a little tube.
You're knocked out.
You got that Jack O 'Jackson juice, propofol, milk of amnesia.
You're out.
Who knows?
You're done.
But yet we love to explain.
Let me stop for a second.
First, let me ask you.
This is very serious, by the way.
This saves a life.
I'm dead serious.
You've got to lighten up.
First, you've got to like this video, subscribe to the channel, and hit that little bell so you're notified of new videos.
By the way, this is the funniest.
You can get different sounds based upon the tackiness of your hands.
When you're sitting there talking to your colonoscopy nurse and they're asking you questions, are you allergic to any medication?
No.
When did you last eat?
Let me see.
It was about a...
Last month, you're joking.
I know what you're thinking.
I know.
I'm childish.
I admit it.
The humidity is not good.
I'll work on this.
By the way, that's a great joke.
Of all the places to be in a colonoscopy suite.
I think of what mankind has done.
I'm dead serious now.
I think about what mankind has done in terms of technology.
You might think of AI, AGI, yeah, going to the moon, whatever.
Don't get me started on that.
But I think the greatest idea of taking a camera, sticking it in your arse, taking pictures, and then if you have a funky lasso, a polyp, lassoing it, pull that baby out.
Also, they can put a little dye on it, so later on, if a surgeon's got to find it, there it is, they tattoo it.
It's brilliant!
It's brilliant!
Do you know how many lives have been saved from this?
Do you know how many lives?
And what's great when you're done, you tell the doctor, well, I'll see you in 10 years.
I'll be 75 years old.
See you in 10 years.
You won't even be here.
Whatever.
Which is the way it goes for most people.
But I gotta tell you something.
Whatever anybody talks about this, and you watch the videos, they always talk about this thing called the prep.
They make this big deal about the prep.
Oh my god, it's the prep.
Now, again, I don't think it's anything.
I saved my stuff.
You see this thing right here?
See this stuff?
It's not bad.
I'm not endorsing it now.
I'm just telling you what I took.
It's called Certab.
12 pills in each one.
You take one every five minutes for an hour.
Wait an hour.
Drink your 16 ounces.
Comes in one of these great boxes.
When you go to the store, they know what it is.
Put it in a big bag.
And the worst part, as far as I'm concerned, is this awful, terrible diet.
Don't eat this.
Don't eat that.
Don't eat anything with nuts or with color or with bulk or anything.
Anything that you like.
You can have cream of wheat.
What?
You're going to...
It's...
That...
No.
Sorry.
It's nothing.
But it is funny, though, when you take it and you say, okay, I took it!
And then you wait.
Okay.
When is it going to hit?
When does Vesuvius hit?
Here we go!
When does it...
And all of a sudden...
What was that?
Nothing.
Nah, it's nothing.
Because you're waiting.
Does this stuff work?
I'd hope I didn't get a bum batch.
Oh, you didn't.
You'll know.
It's, hello?
Hello?
And you say, I'll be with you in a moment.
And you get up and you think, this is fantastic.
And it makes complete sense.
I'm not going to go into the physics of the prep and cleaning you up.
But it's not.
Absolutely not.
You know what was something for me?
You know what I went through in my life?
When I was 13 years old, I went to the doctor and he goes, hey, we found some white blood cells in your urine.
I said, no, it's good.
No, it's not good.
We're going to send you to the hospital.
Get an x-ray.
Take a picture.
Oh, okay.
Take a picture.
Put your chest up.
Hold your...
Well, this wasn't just a regular picture.
They wanted to take a picture of my bladder.
The bladder.
Not the outside.
Everything.
So they had to have it completely filled with contrast.
Every square inch of the bladder.
Because it turns out it was a diverticulum, this little growth on it.
So they had to see the bladder in its glory.
So they sent me into this room and they decided we're going to give you a catheter.
A what?
A catheter.
A catheter.
What's a catheter?
You'll see.
They call it a Foley.
I don't know if they call it now, but they called it a Foley.
I hate that name.
Hate that name.
So they put it in.
And the technician says, okay, we're going to run this.
We're going to fill you up.
When you feel uncomfortable, let me know.
I said, I'm uncomfortable.
They said, no, no, no.
When you're really uncomfortable.
I said, I'm really uncomfortable.
No, no way.
So they closed the door.
And I heard this thud.
And as you know, there is a certain thickness that is required for x-ray rooms and the like to be.
There's a certain thickness.
So when they close it, I thought, oh my God.
So I looked up and I saw this.
I don't even think they had bags in them.
This is a long time ago.
This was what?
52 years ago?
I think they had like bottles of stuff.
So anyway, my abdomen is becoming distended.
And I said, hey!
Hey!
Hey!
And I'm looking pregnant.
I'm looking like that...
Remember that optimum?
I'm looking like, what is going on here?
This is not right.
I just heard this, oh my.
I said, oh my.
Kind of like we forgot.
Like, oh, these are going to be good pictures.
Now, have you ever had to micturate void, pee, and you thought you were going to explode?
Your bladder was nowhere near.
Complete capacity.
Never.
Nowhere.
With gases and with spate.
Never.
This was...
And he said, roll over, do this.
He took some pictures.
He says, okay.
I said, the greatest thing he pulls this tube out, I said, great.
Now you can void.
That's a big urological word.
I said, where?
Make it quick.
There's no bathroom.
The bathroom is outside.
The bathroom is outside.
And in this bathroom, it was built by, I think, by Phil Spector.
The wall of sound, the terrazzo, the sound.
I mean, every...
We'll get to that in a moment.
And it was like, the sound!
And I'm in there.
Thank God there was nobody in there.
I said, don't you have one?
Nope.
It was like, not the waiting room, but kind of.
So there are people waiting, looking for, you know, reading Jim Cutter's Quarterly, you know, these terrible magazines.
And I go in there, and it's a...
You could have chiseled granite with this.
Sandstone.
You could have cleaned off your patio with the forest, the PSI, Louis Belson sound.
And I can see people outside thinking like, oh my God.
Nobody wants to say that.
Okay.
So I walked out and said, whew, that was a close one.
And when you go to the hospital, remember two things.
Leave your money and your pride at the door.
Don't worry about that.
By the way, interesting story.
One time I had to go back to one of these suites, this radiological suite.
I had a thing called a retrograde urethrogram, which is a long story.
I'll tell you that one.
Had a voiding cystogram and IVP.
And I was waiting.
And sure enough, they had this poor guy who had a colonoscopy, I think, then in the old days when it was more primitive.
And they did a thing called with contrast.
That means with air.
So this guy had about 25 pounds of compressed air in his colon.
So when he gets done with this, he runs out with the gown holding it.
He goes into the wall of sound.
This thing sounded like Corregidor or da da da da da da da da boom boom I mean, Louie Belson, Al Hurt, I'm thinking of Bazooki's It Was Something.
And I felt like clapping, like, yeah!
Now I'm in there reading the Jim Cutter's quarterly, and he's in there, you know, with this sound.
So that was something.
Very quickly when I had my...
It turns out they said, yeah, you got a diverticulum.
I said, yeah, I knew that.
So they took it out.
They resected it.
Dissect, resect, cut this.
And they told me, and they said, 13 years old.
I've got morphine and Keith Richards.
They had bags of stuff next to the bed.
And, you know, I had people like...
And that was on the...
The pediatric ward.
Don't ask me why.
I was 13, but it was kind of like borderline.
So these kids are going in there for their tonsillectomy.
And this is where you're going to have the nice doctor.
And they bring me out.
With the blood and the bags and the hair.
And the first day you're in there, the nurse will say, do you want me to wash you?
No, I'll wash myself.
I'm 13 years old.
I have modesty.
I have morals.
What are you talking about?
After this?
I said, hang on.
You don't care about anything.
So they came in one day and they said, listen, we're going to have to go for a ride.
I said, what?
Go for a ride?
Now this surgery, they cut into me, through the abdomen, into the bladder.
I've got drains.
I mean, the slightest molecule that hits me, I'm hitting that.
I'm like a rat in one of these Skinner cages hitting that morphine.
Why isn't this working?
Can you up the dose?
I'm like wearing a beret.
I'm listening like that.
I'm a full-blown junkie.
I'm at the age of 13. Anyway, so they said, we're going to give you a ride.
I said, you're not going to put me.
I'm not moving.
He said, well, if we don't, we're going to put a big needle in your lung and take out all the fluid.
I said, where's that wheelchair?
So they stuck me in the side of the wheelchair.
Now, a couple of things.
Whenever you have a tube, whenever you have a catheter, any kind of drain, there's a little balloon that they inflate with saline to keep from coming out.
Makes sense.
It keeps sliding out.
Meanwhile, they put this on the side and there's like 10 miles of tube.
I don't know why.
They're kind of like shoving it in the side and they're putting it up here.
And I'm walking down the hall being pushed.
The hair looks like a cross between Tom Waits and Shane McGowan, sort of.
With better teeth.
So in any event, what happened was the tube, you got it, got caught in the axle.
So as I'm pushing, I said, hey!
Hey!
And I grabbed the wheels and I let out a, it was like a scream almost, I think birds, certain swallows, capistrano, they Lost Direction.
It was like that awful scene of Sofia Coppola in Godfather 3 where you were kind of glad.
Hal Pacino, great actor.
Edvard Munch, whatever his name was, The Scream.
I mean, it was a surreal moment.
Kids are looking at me like, what's the matter?
I grab the wheel.
They pick the wheelchair up.
Two guys carried it in.
Put it in the back.
Try to uncoil.
I'm in not pain.
Pain is like, you know, when you stub your toe.
This is surreal pain.
And I turned to them and I grabbed somebody and said, I want my dope.
And I don't want the usual.
No, no, no.
We'll take care of you.
No, no.
No, no.
Thank God they have pity.
Oh, no, no.
We'll give you a special one.
So I was doing great.
I'm singing White Room and...
That was pain.
Colonoscopy is nothing.
It's the greatest thing in the world, the fact that they can do this.
So if you have the slightest indication, the slightest reluctance, the slightest hesitation, the slightest...
Ask your physician, see what they think, and it's absolutely nothing.
It's the greatest thing in the world.
I don't remember any of it.
But I've never...
At a loss.
I'm never able to understand why people love to make such a big deal out of this thing.
The prep.
It's nothing.
And I wanted to share this with you because...
There we go.
I find intestines, colons, even mothers whose first...
Remember when mothers wait for the meconium?
The baby's first poop.
If you don't do that, you die.
It's not...
It's not a bad habit.
You die.
You know, I think, therefore I am.
I, therefore I am.
And yes, it's true, I do have a childish way of looking at it.
But childish doesn't mean bad.
Alright, dear friends, thank you so much.
Please like the video, subscribe, subscribe to the channel.
Please also, if you could and you would, do me a favor.
Write down your worst hospital moment of agony.
Something you went through.
Something that you went through where you thought this is some form of torture that maybe the UN should intervene on your behalf regarding.
And then even, thanks for watching.
Have a great and a glorious day.
And comment.
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