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May 18, 2023 - Lionel Nation
52:07
Democratic Lies, Durham Lies, Biden Lies and Political Lies
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DIRTY10 Good evening.
How was your day today?
Have you noticed this?
Let me just say something right off the bat because you have to get all this conciliatory stuff out of the way.
I'm not in any way xenophobic.
I'm not one of these people who, you know, whatever it is.
I don't care about people with accents.
I don't care.
I don't care about that.
Does it mean anything to me?
I've got relatives with accents.
I have an accent relative to other...
That's not a problem.
I'm also finding out that some places with folks with accents actually are much more polite than Americans.
So I've got no problem with somebody who's polite.
But there is an accent now that is like this.
They talk like this and they say to you, I'm so sorry for your problem.
Listen.
They have the speech they have to read.
Sometimes you hear, like, dogs barking in the background.
You notice that?
Yeah, listen, I didn't get my cable.
I'm so sorry for...
It's like latke gravis.
It's like, what is this?
I'm so sorry that this is...
I'm so...
Take it easy.
You don't have to go to a grief counselor.
It's all right.
I'm going to be okay.
Just get this...
Don't worry about these apologias and this contrition and expiation.
Just get this thing done.
Listen to this one.
I am a big fan of Amazon or Whole Foods delivery.
The greatest thing, believe me, in New York, whatever you pay for it, you're going to make up, you're going to save on gas, tolls, because you normally have to drive to some other Jersey or some other borough.
So it works out.
Plus, they come to your door.
Fantastic.
They wrap it beautifully.
Perfect!
Perfect!
It's the greatest!
Put your little list.
That's it.
Bring it.
If you don't like that, you got Fresh.
If you don't like Fresh, you got Instacart.
If you don't like Instacart, you got this.
We got DoorDash and this and Delivery.com and you can even get Ubers.
You can...
New York is the greatest, greatest delivery, whatever.
We have these friends who, I said, why don't you get a pizza?
No, we're going to go pick it up.
Why do you want to pick it up?
They live in Jersey.
Why do you want to pick it up?
Well, we just, we prefer.
I said, wait a minute.
You notice how sometimes somebody will say something, it doesn't really matter, but what they're saying is so stupid, you get sucked up to it.
You go, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Why do you prefer to go pick it up?
They're good.
They bring them right away.
You might be a few minutes off.
It may sit there.
It's actually better.
No, we just don't want it sitting in somebody's car.
I said, wait a minute.
Hold it.
It's not sitting in a car.
It's in a box in one of these thermal things.
It's not on the ground.
You're not holding it.
It's on top of the hood or the roof.
What do you mean?
Well, we just don't like somebody else's car.
I don't understand it.
It's wrapped in a box.
You're picking it up at somebody else's store.
Anyway, I get sucked into these things.
I don't know why.
I just do it.
Drives me crazy.
Anyway.
So today, I'm noticing, and they tell you right away, here's the app, we're on our way.
Got all your stuff.
Everything's great.
No substitutions.
Just like you wanted.
Here it is.
And when they drop it off, they take a picture of it.
Here's your food.
We were there.
Wrapped beautifully.
Everybody's nice.
Thank you very much.
One day, a person walked away.
I said, thank you, sir.
I didn't know.
And he goes, I'm a ma 'am.
I said, whoa!
Oh, I'm sorry!
I mean, I mean, hey, good!
I thought I said, good?
I don't know what's going on.
Anyway, did you ever see the movie?
It was Steven Seagal and Screwface.
Did you ever see that?
Screwface.
What was that?
Screwface.
Steven Seagal, Screwface, plays the Jamaican Drug Lords, marked for death.
Might have been Basil Wallace.
I don't know who played Screwface.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, okay.
Remember the eyes, the dreadlocks, they were always stoned out of their mind.
They just looked like, you know, they go, Screwface!
Yes, and he had the sword and the dreadlocks.
Okay.
I opened the door, and I looked, and there's Screwface this morning.
But he's nice, but he goes, One of the bags is, I gotta go get it.
I gotta go get it.
Okay.
Sure.
It says one of four, two of four.
Oh!
Three of four is missing.
Okay!
Fine!
He looked like he said, it's okay.
It's alright.
I don't know if he was.
I don't know what.
I didn't.
It could have been a variety of things.
Okay, fine.
Now I'm going to hurry up.
Because I've got to pick up Mrs. L. She's done with the meeting.
I'm going to pick her up.
And I'm waiting.
Now it's taking too long.
Now it's too long.
So I picked up the phone, and I cannot use a cell phone in the apartment.
Cannot.
Cannot.
It doesn't work.
It's too high up.
It's too whatever.
It just, it doesn't work.
So I've got to walk to the window, like, you know, it's like your face is to try to get an extra centimeter of distance to the outside.
Well, that is ridiculous.
So I used...
The regular landline, which I use for everything else.
So I dial Amazon customer service.
And they say, we're really kind of backed up.
We would prefer if you maybe go to the chat.
I don't want to chat.
Okay, but we're just telling you we're really busy and that chat is...
I don't like the chat.
I don't want to talk to Dwayne, whoever this person is.
It's never...
Anyway.
So as we're doing this stuff, as we're, you know, doing our thing, as it were, lo and behold, I get this woman.
Very nice.
I'm so sorry.
Oh no, I forgot to tell you.
They said, can we send you a code?
No!
Why?
You can't send a code on a landline.
No!
What do you mean no?
No!
No, can we?
No!
Two!
No!
Two!
What is this?
What the hell is going on here?
Anyway, as this is going on, and as I'm going through all this stuff, and she's apologizing, I'm like this.
She can tell me, what was in the bag?
I don't know what was in the bag.
It went on and on.
Finally, I got a hold of somebody else, and now I get somebody who sounds more like from here.
From here.
Just sounds like, I don't know, somebody from Queens or something.
So I said, yeah, listen, same story.
Guy had four bags.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Screw face.
Stephen's a gun.
Mark for that.
Anyway, he said he didn't have the bag.
He said he was going back.
He says, he's lying.
This is Emma's upper hand.
What?
He said, he's lying.
If it's not in the bag, it's at the depot.
I said, he's lying.
Yeah, you're not going to see that one again.
Just like that.
Can you tell me what was inside?
I said, I don't know what was inside!
It's four bags!
I gotta go look.
I gotta remember.
Let me see.
Where's the creamer?
Finally, I got through with this stuff, so now I'm running late.
And I'm in one of those moves where I'm gonna take a life.
I'm just gonna take a life.
I'm just about at it.
Take a life.
Well, anyway, to make a long story short, As I'm leaving the garage, I'm noticing these people are like, what's going on here?
And I start honking.
This guy comes up.
He says, you gotta back up.
Somebody's injured.
I said, injured?
Somebody's in the car injured.
Injured.
Now I gotta go out and back up the street.
To get back into a major thoroughfare, people are honking.
I'm going backwards with other people because somebody who's injured...
It's Wednesday.
What day is Wednesday?
Matinee day.
Right around noon-ish.
Things are back.
New York's back.
Everybody's back.
People are going crazy.
It's just one of those...
I understand why people use heavy narcotics.
And if there was something that I had had access to, something like a horse pill that's shine, something that's really heavy with some barbiturate, some phenotype, anything, I would have taken it.
It's just little things.
It's kind of compound.
It's no big deal.
But then I'm like, let's go.
And everything's bothering me.
Everything's bothering me.
Everything.
So then, I happen to look at, I don't know, I got the iPad.
I look at Drudge Report.
Breaking news!
Sean Hannity's going to 8pm.
Breaking news!
Who gives up?
8pm?
Oh my God!
I'm glad my parents weren't around to see this.
With all this going on.
Breaking news?
A schedule?
A fox?
The lineup's moving!
Jesse Waters!
Oh my god!
Santa Maria!
Who else?
They're not moving Laura, are they?
Oh no!
I think, I think, um, who else?
Who cares?
Breaking news!
It's mildly interesting.
Mildly.
Come on!
This is nuts!
This is...
This isn't even important!
And that Jesse Waters...
Who watches that crap?
I had to watch this the other night.
Somebody had to say, do we have to watch this?
Yes.
It's terrible!
He's not funny!
He's not even smart.
He's not...
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what is going on here.
The world is collapsing and you put this jadrool on, this clown?
What?
This isn't even news.
I mean, this is...
I'm living in a nut house.
You hear me?
A nut house.
My God!
It's unbelievable!
And Anderson Cooper did the night, we're so sorry.
We're so sorry we had to put Trump on.
If you don't ever come back, he told his viewers, all 12 of them, isn't this nuts?
Brian Kilmey was reporting on someone who had used their cell phone with the speaker on.
You're right about this.
You're right about this.
What is going on?
You're right about this.
Hit the like button.
Thank you very much for that.
This is the most...
What was the other one too?
Oh, Jesse Waters.
Well, one of our people had the hiccups.
Or hiccoughs.
Is that manly?
Hey, this is great, man.
I'm just trying to show you we're doing some funny stuff.
You know.
This was weird, you know, because I was thinking, you know, do you put your shoe and your sock on first?
Wasn't that a laugh on All in the Family one time?
What are you...
Oh, dear God.
Oh, dear God.
Anybody remember years ago when Rachel Maddow first started, she was doing cocktails?
Remember that?
She was actually good, and then I don't know what happened.
She would make cocktails?
I don't want this.
I am as open-minded and as...
You know, when Letterman first started, it was fantastic.
Fantastic.
Remember, Letterman's first, it was so mundo, so different.
Stupid Petrics and then that Rupert next door and all.
I mean, it was just...
I mean, I don't mind if it's funny, if it's quirky, but these people are not quirky.
Ricky Lee's quirky.
Ricky Lee.
I'm watching a barbecue video.
That might be good.
I do watch them, by the way.
This is just...
Everybody is lying to me.
Everybody is lying.
I told you.
You notice how the Durham report lies?
Well, I think that perhaps the FBI could have been a little bit better in some of the...
They lied.
Well, perhaps, yes, they lied.
But they might have been perhaps a little bit more thorough and circumspect.
What is going on here?
Unbelievable everything.
Can I tell you something?
Tell me one thing.
Tell me one thing the Democrats are doing well.
Or the Republicans, but they're not even charged.
Tell me one thing.
How about Marjorie Taylor Greene?
She wants to impeach Ray.
Oh, come on.
You're not going to impeach Ray.
You filed the impeachment for Biden.
Work on that one.
What do you want to get Ray?
Impeach him?
No, no, don't impeach.
What is...
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
How about this?
Boebert's getting a divorce?
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't...
What is she, 12?
She's got kids.
Isn't one of her kids going to give birth?
She's a grandmother of, what, 20?
What is this?
36 and she's a grandmother.
Is she going to be a grandmother?
What the hell is going on here?
Wow!
This is just weird.
It's not weird.
It's greater than having a celebrating life.
She's no rocket scientist.
Nobody is.
But tell me one thing the Democrats are doing right.
Tell me one thing.
Tell me one thing.
Did you see Karine Jean-Pierre when they said, can we talk about the...
I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Where are you going?
I'm out of here.
What do you mean you're out of here?
I'm out of here.
What are you talking about?
I'm out of here.
I'm done.
I'm finished.
I'm through.
Leave me alone.
Okay.
Don't you want to hang around a bit?
Nope.
She's the only person that I know, the only person, who gets worse at her job.
She's worse.
By the way, here's a new video.
You're going to love this one.
This is on lies.
I love lies.
Lies.
Lies.
What is a lie?
What is a lie?
Tell me what a lie is.
Let's see if you're any good at this.
Let's see if you're legal or I've taught you this a million times.
You know you've been with me.
What is a lie?
Prepare for Walmart June 1st Martial Law.
Don't know what that means, but thanks.
What does that mean?
Cringe-o-Pierre.
Very funny.
Very, very funny.
What is a lie?
Define a lie.
A lie.
What is it?
Come on, let's put your thinking caps on.
Come on, everybody.
Let's go.
Come on.
Get those likes going.
80 likes.
Pathetic.
Untruth.
Wrong.
But very good.
What is it?
What is the lie?
What is a lie?
Look at this.
Thank you.
Misrepresentation of truth?
Well, misrepresentation of fact with the intent to deceive Gorgonzola?
You win.
That's good enough.
That's exactly what I've said.
And you're a good student.
It's a misrepresentation of fact with the intent to deceive.
A statement meant to deceive.
Good.
Dick Long.
Big Dick Long.
Thank you, Dick.
Thank you, Dick.
Seriously, I mean that.
It's deception.
It's a misrepresentation of fact with the intent to deceive.
But what if the deception is a good one?
How do I look in this?
You look...
Great.
You look wonderful.
Do I want to deceive you?
Yes!
I want you to think you look great.
Is that a lie?
I guess.
Or is that tact?
How does that work?
Hard to say.
Hard to say.
Can the police lie to you?
You betcha.
Can you lie to the police?
Not the FBI.
Not the feds.
Gotta be careful with that.
Lies are interesting.
What's a fib?
What's a fib?
Let's look at the different fibs, white lies, a fib.
A fib sounds good, doesn't it?
A fib.
A fib is a lie, typically an unimportant one.
Now wait a minute.
Unimportant?
How about this, a white lie.
White lie is my favorite too.
You see how we like the gradations?
A white lie is a harmless or trivial lie.
Especially one told to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
So it's a lie, but it's a good lie.
It's manufactured and determined to be good.
Do you ever lie?
Do you lie?
What's the difference between lying and exaggerating?
See, I'm a purist.
If it's not absolutely a plain old blatant lie, it's a lie.
Exaggeration.
How about saying something that's not true?
You just don't say anything.
You don't really fill anybody.
You don't fill...
You don't say everything.
Is that a lie?
That's a lie.
Absolutely, that's a lie.
Absolutely.
When people stand up and they say, Do you promise to take this woman for richer, for poorer, for sick, for as long as you shall live?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a lie.
Nobody really means that.
Nobody means that.
What about a diplomatic lie?
Diplomatic lie is a white lie.
It's a fib.
See?
See how we're doing this?
Jesus or God would say, excuse me, I never said this.
Oh, come on.
Being nice to people?
You told us to be nice, right?
Well, being nice.
When can you lie?
When was the last time you lied?
And do people really, do people understand?
I could talk forever about this.
Psychopaths have a hard time with the notion of lying because they don't even realize it's a lie.
It's not even a lie.
Some people have no sense of it.
Now, as we speak, as we speak right now, I ask somebody the question, Mr. President, why do you want all these people here?
Tell me, why do you want these people here?
Why are all these people coming to our country?
Why?
Has anybody told you this?
Has anybody ever told you this?
Ever?
Ever?
I don't know.
Has anybody said, well, the reason why is we want more people to come to this country to be permanent Democrats?
We want to remove the filibuster.
We want to make D.C. a state.
We want to pack the Supreme Court.
And we want to have a permanent Democratic Party.
We want to bring all these people in.
And we might want to even send them places so that...
They can maybe move to Duluth.
We might want to have a congressional change there.
We might want to do some gerrymandering.
Bring them in there.
What's wrong with that?
Say it!
Sometimes the truth is so refreshing.
It's so refreshing that people love it.
One time I was picking a jury.
Florida had, years ago, very, very liberal voir dire rules.
And I said, I want you to know something.
I'm given a series of peremptory challenges.
And the other side was like, don't tell him that.
I said, I want him to know this.
I'm given an X amount of free challenges.
I can just tell the judge, get rid of number 8. Why?
Just get rid of number 8. Don't like number 8. And the reason why I don't want number 8, let's say, is because I don't want anybody who I think is going to hurt my case.
That's why.
So if you say something that I think is not good for us, they loved it.
It was so refreshing.
People so appreciative.
Andy says, I'm a horse show decorator that deals with multiple colors and designs.
I pull no punches as to what will look best for them.
Ten years plus of experience in the family business.
A horse show decorator.
Andy, that is fascinating.
What is a horse show decorator?
See, I would love to just watch what you do.
Show me what you do.
Show me a professional versus somebody else.
A horse show decorator.
Fantastic.
That is so interesting.
I never really understood that.
I never really...
I love horses.
They frighten me.
I don't want to get on them.
But I think they're beautiful.
They're wonderful.
They're absolutely wonderful.
We should do a show on beautiful, on great...
Great jobs that people do.
One time I asked people, what is the worst job you have ever had?
This was on talk radio years ago.
Years ago.
And the one that was...
I'll never forget.
The guy said he milked turkeys.
Anybody have any idea what that is?
Milking turkeys.
Anybody?
Think that one over for a moment.
How do you milk a turkey?
What exactly?
They're birds.
They're not mammalian.
How would they, what would this, what do you think that would involve him milking turkeys?
It's a phrase I've never heard before.
I'll wait for it.
LOL.
I've never written LOL in my life.
Never said it.
Never.
There's an LOL there.
Laura's laughing.
Sarah's laughing.
Look at this.
Mainly American saddle breads, but also Arabian and Morgan horses.
Don't know.
Don't know what a Morgan horse is or whatever it is.
I have no idea.
My mother, who passed away, barrel-raced horses.
See, this is fantastic.
Your mother was a barrel racer.
See, I think that's just...
When I see horse whispers, when I see people who are able to...
When that horse and the rider are so in tune and so one, it's not even funny.
For a representative person.
Nobody cares about a turkey milking.
And that's okay.
I understand it.
I understand it.
Love of Lionel, thank you very much.
I heard somebody one time who emptied grease traps from a grease traps from bars and things.
He said it was the worst thing he's ever.
I've got to tell you this one story.
When I first started talk radio years ago, I always believed and I still do that people are fascinating.
There are many people who are fascinating and if you let them talk and let them just tell you stories like my mother would tell you great stories.
She could tell great stories.
Beginning, middle, end.
Great segue.
And there's nothing worse when you're telling a story and somebody just interrupts right when you're in this crescendo and you're about to just fill it Perfectly.
Somebody in the back will say, so anyway, I'm not now.
They have no sense of timing.
So, look at this.
My dad was a veterinarian.
I assume it was for breeding turkeys.
Thank you so much.
Chuck Wu.
Thank you.
Yes, it was.
And the fellow, I'll never forget, he said he did a couple of them and he got up and he left.
Never was paid.
Just walked out and kept going.
Never came back.
She said, I'm not going to please perform salacious activities on turkeys.
He doesn't know.
That's all I can tell you.
That's all I can tell you.
So what I did was, I said, tell us the worst thing you have ever smelled.
This was one of the first shows I ever did.
And somebody came to me and said, you know, this is radio.
I said, yes, I know it's radio.
I said, but you listen now.
I said, just tell me.
Don't use any words.
I can smell like whatever.
You can describe it.
But if you want to make something real sick, don't really describe it.
Just describe around it.
Let me tell you the winner.
This was the winner.
And all this was, if I remember, and it was right before, like, it was like nine to noon, so it wasn't really lunchtime at the time.
And people would walk up to see me in the radio station, look in the glass, to say, like, is this really happening?
Is this happening?
Is he really doing this?
And all people were doing was just describing smells.
And it made people sick, because you were filling in the blanks.
But here's the one, let me tell you, the one was the worst.
And listen to how bad it was by virtue of how ordinary it was.
Fellow says, I'm a veterinarian.
Okay, right off the bat.
Just stop right there.
Stop.
Stop right there.
I'm already thinking, wow.
Okay.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Animals?
Not good.
Rendering plants?
Not good.
Animals don't smell that good to begin with, but you know.
And he said, and we had to put down a horse.
Sorry about this.
We had to put down a horse.
And I love this.
I love this idea about putting down a horse.
It's one of those wonderful, wonderful things that are just so terrific.
Put down a horse.
Okay.
So he walks in.
And he said there was a tumor.
And it was a tumor in a very...
Interesting place.
And this is the line that got me.
This is the one that killed me.
He said, I was walking up to the horse and it hit me.
Now, stop right there.
Do you know what you're going through when you say, it hit me?
The smell was so outrageous.
It was so incomprehensibly horrid that it hit him.
That's all he said.
Didn't really go into detail about what hit him.
What?
There were others that were People describe rendering plants.
Do you remember these things?
Do you remember how you never forget a smell?
Do you remember one smell?
I can tell you mine very simply.
I'll never forget this as long as I will.
Never.
Ever.
My friend Bruce Anderson and I were waiting on the subway to take the C train uptown to 50th and then we...
Anyway.
Taking it uptown.
A woman...
Oh, I was here, and Bruce was up, upwind from me.
This woman walked by me.
She had on...
She didn't look particularly bad, but she had on, you know, like a coat, moving kind of slow.
She looked not homeless, but like just kind of disheveled, a bit must.
But nothing that you would look and you would see That would make you think one way or the other.
She walked by.
And it hit me.
And the thing that I found the most interesting about it was there was almost a sweetness to it.
It was something, it was definitely organic.
I couldn't, it was nothing I had ever, I couldn't point to it.
I said, oh, that's, you know, that's axillary.
No, no, nothing.
Nothing like that.
But it was organic.
It wasn't metallic or industrial or something that was even feculent, fetid, putrescent.
No!
It was different.
It was almost sweet.
And I've never it hit me and it just consumed me.
It was in my nose.
I was like haunted from it.
And I had just bought this Bottle of this cologne, which I don't make anymore, but it was very, very nice.
And I blasted myself just to do something, which was worse because it took that smell and it combined it with the smell.
And I looked and I wanted to see the expression on Bruce.
I didn't say anything as she walked by.
And he was there looking down and reading a paper or something like this.
And all of a sudden I saw this.
The head goes up.
And then that look.
It was almost like a nervous reaction.
I don't know how to explain this.
I don't know how to explain the reaction.
But it was unbelievable.
But the best one was as we looked up.
And she's slowly waddling.
And as she follows people, there's like a five second delay and people were...
One was doing the arms, but the best one, the best, was up the platform.
This fellow started to, he was spitting out because it invaded his soul.
I'll never forget that.
And if I think about it long enough, I might be able to recreate it.
You know, like, for example, if I said to you, think about garlic, wonderful garlic, frying in oil.
You can smell it.
You can smell it.
Right?
You can smell it.
In your head.
You remember what it smells like.
Where is it, too?
You kind of point to it almost.
You can...
Right?
Especially strong at first, and then it's like, ooh, that's nice.
Right?
You remember this.
If I said, think about what a cake smells like, you can kind of remember it.
Even though you can't replicate it, you remember it.
Smell is the most important.
Olfactory memory is 100%.
It has to be, because if it's not, it's atavistic.
It's not inbred, but you must do that.
It was the most.
Sean said, while I was eating dinner, was.
Now see, Sean, I didn't describe anything.
Do you see what I did?
I spoke around it.
Which is what I want to tell all my friends who think that they must be profane.
That they have to be profane.
May I change your subject a little bit?
Why do people roughly my age use the word dude?
Would you tell me the dude?
Where did this dude?
Don't ever call me that.
Dude.
Hey, dude.
Why are they doing this?
Women, referring to other women in their 40s and 50s as dude.
Would you please tell me where that came from?
And how do we stop it?
How do we stop that?
Mrs. L hates that.
Like, you cannot believe.
It just, it just, it's a red line.
I don't know what that is about.
Where is that?
Something about this.
I understand a certain patois.
I understand that there are certain words that we use.
And I understand things.
I get it.
But dude?
Uh-uh.
No.
Especially from somebody who's trying to act cool.
Understand this?
Oh, look at this.
Gorgonzola.
Interesting.
Gorgonzola said I once worked with this guy who smelled horrible on a regular basis and nobody...
I don't know.
But it fascinates me.
It fascinates me.
There's something so wonderful.
There's something so wonderful about our reaction to this.
And if you can't smell, if you can't...
That's why I'd love to be a dog, to be able to smell scents, to be able to really know the difference between certain things.
And by the way, nature has no...
It doesn't distinguish.
Now let me ask you this question.
Don't call me buddy.
Oh, I'm with that.
Hey buddy, you got that buddy?
I'm with you on that.
I despise that.
I despise buddy.
Now let me ask you something.
I want you to describe something to me.
There are some smells, and I like this subject because it's been a rough day as you can imagine, what with Screwface and with the injured person in the car, which I don't understand.
There are some smells that I love so much.
And I don't know why.
I love the smell of a painted room.
When I go in and somebody's painting, I love that.
Is it me?
I love that.
I love tire stores.
I love that.
I love sometimes you go into a hardware store and there's a smell.
Home Depot kind of.
You don't want to have hardware stores.
You have that...
Ammonia.
That fertilizer smell.
I love the smell.
We have not too far from us.
All these horsey stables.
We've got the police.
The mounted police is over here.
And we've got this.
And the smell of tack and horses and hay and leather.
It's beautiful.
A new car.
Oh, Diane, you're right.
The new car, by the way, the new car smell is nothing but chemicals.
Not very good.
Gasoline, I love.
Absolutely.
Jasmine honeysuckle.
I have never...
I do not know if I've ever...
Grass clipping.
The sound of a lawnmower, of a lawnboy or a Toro, going...
And you can hear it going up for it.
It's the most soothing sound and the smell of grass.
Wood chips.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
I love the smell of wood smoke.
Burning the autumn.
One of the best smells.
Yes.
And sometimes leaves.
Sometimes there's just this...
You're so right about that.
Bakeries.
Fairs.
Sometimes they're just...
We go out of our way to kill the smell.
The smell of baby skin.
There's a purity.
There's no...
There's nothing as clean.
Dogs?
Not crazy about that, but what are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
We had these friends who had these dogs.
Remember that?
This one German Shepherd smelled so bad and they didn't understand it.
It made me sick and you'd be eating and it'd be underneath the table and it just smelled like wet.
Anyway.
Campfire is just wet concrete.
You are so correct.
School paper of the printer.
Ditto machines and Mimeo.
That wonderful smell.
Sometimes toys, plastic toys, had a kind of a wonderful smell to it.
Smell of money.
Cherry pipe tobacco.
The smell of...
That's very good.
Oh, would you be quiet?
If you say something, this thing talks to you like, you know, that S name.
I'm not going to...
I love these smells.
After a rain shower, how about the smell before it snows?
This is always better than that, but I can always tell in Florida when it rains and the lightning is off and the negative ions, you smell it coming.
It's like, here we go.
I can tell.
Yes, newspaper.
Suntan lotion at the beach.
You are so correct.
Sometimes it's a coconut.
You're right.
A new baby doll.
I know.
That's what I'm talking about.
The smell of scotch tape on Christmas presents under the tree.
Dear God!
This is some kind of a descriptive thing.
You can smell the snow, yes.
Burning coals to a grill.
Barbecue.
Barbecues.
The smell of a basement.
Yes.
There was a building.
You smell this every now and then.
There was a building they were fixing.
And it was on the corner of 57th and I guess 9th.
And it was this old building.
It was there for years.
They had dumb waiters in it.
Anyway, when they were doing the basement portion of it, you could walk by and you could smell it.
It was mold with earthy.
It was wonderful.
Fish and chips in newspaper.
I don't know if I've had that.
Coffee brewing.
In Ybor City, Where I was born, believe it or not, there was a place called Naviera or Naviera Coffee where they would roast the coffee, the Cuban coffee.
And that smell, oh dear God.
There were places I'll never forget.
The smell of the Carnegie Deli.
The smell of the Silver Ring on 7th Avenue in Tampa.
The smell of the Tampa Police Department.
The smell of certain places where my friend Richard's house.
When we were kids, I remember this.
Elevator shafts.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't that something?
Oh, Liz.
Bacon.
Let me tell you something.
I haven't had bacon in going on 15 years.
Now, let me tell you something right now.
You listen to me right now, and you listen good.
Bacon is just...
I could eat a...
A pound of it.
A pound.
And they're such an art.
Do you fry it?
Do you bake it?
Do you...
What do you do?
Sometimes you can bake it, you put a weight on it, and they're nice.
Then you get the thick...
And that Irish bacon, that's a rasher.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm talking about Oscar Mayer, whatever his armor, it smells, it's got that smell.
That, in the morning, when you are...
When you are...
Anybody wants to get you up.
And the smell of that?
That's it.
Mothballs.
Did you ever smell mothballs, James?
Who held the wings?
Remember that joke?
One place, $20 fish and chips.
Chlorine swimming pools, yes, popcorn.
A cedar closet.
God.
You're so right.
Gardenias.
Flowers.
What's the flower that smells like a funeral home?
Carnations.
How about the smell of old, old flowers?
Old.
They smell like death.
They've been in a vase for a long time.
I've got to tell you the best story ever.
I think I told you this, but I love this.
Years ago, the prosecutor of the case of this young girl, she was, I mean it was bad, but they had an intruder fondle her and they went out the door.
So they were trying to track this guy because they said anybody who comes into a home is just not good.
So they brought this tracking dog and these kids were scared because there was this German Shepherd and the cops are there and this kid's frightened.
And the deputy brought the dog in and the dog went up to each of the kids and smelled them.
The dog said, okay, I got it.
Then they took the dog to the drape where the bad guy went out.
He pulled the chain or whatever he did.
The dog smells it and said, that's the guy you want?
That one?
That one.
Okay, let's go.
So as I'm learning about this, the deputy called me and said, I have to come to your office to talk to you about this.
My dog is, I can't leave the dog in the car.
It's just Florida.
About 9,000 degrees.
Do you mind if I bring the dog?
I said, of course!
I'm in this little office.
My eyes were tearing.
I said, do you ever wash this thing?
He says, no, it's a tracker.
What do you mean?
I said, no, no, no, no.
He said, you don't wash it.
The dog will brush up against trees so it can smell.
Oh, I've been here so it doesn't go in circles.
It needs that tracker.
I didn't know that.
So they told the dog, ready?
Let's go get him.
So they're out.
The dog's sniffing away.
Out at night, in the woods, leaves crunching on the dog.
Every dog had its way.
When it found it, it would sit up.
Deputy takes a flashlight, holds it out here, so that if the bad guy sees a flashlight, will shoot for the flashlight.
You don't want to put the light here.
You want to put the light over there.
The guy's got the light over there.
And nothing.
And he says, oh, come on.
The dog was getting kind of old and he was wondering about maybe time to retire the dog.
He used to bring the dog home and the kids loved him.
Maybe the dog...
Maybe the tracking days were over.
Maybe.
You know what I mean?
So anyway, he pulled the chain again and the dog again said, he's here.
So just then, Leaves moved.
And this guy stood up and said, got me.
They tracked this guy in the dark, I don't know, a mile, half a mile, who knows?
Never confused by any of the other scents.
It was a big family, big outside.
Dog found it.
Found him.
That blew my mind.
And I was so hoping it would go to trial.
We could just put that dog on.
Dog on it.
Most fantastic thing in the world.
Incredible.
Alright, dear friends.
You know what?
You saved me today.
I had a rough day.
Today was a rough, rough day.
Not because of the other things, but sometimes it just gets rough.
And this was my kind of easing off.
We saw last night, tried to watch before we conked out, something on Netflix that was a special about Nicole, Anna Nicole Smith.
What a weird and tragic life.
I don't know why I found those shows interesting, but they're weird and they're tragic.
And they're just so...
I don't even know if we have that kind of a Betty Boop, kind of a Judy Holliday, Jane Mansfield.
We don't have that, do we?
Now we just have...
I don't know.
But I think that's over with.
That genre is gone for us.
In any event, my friends, you have a great, great, great day.
Thank you so much.
We will be...
Let me give you this.
This is the new video, by the way.
Make sure you get that one.
Let me see this.
Let me make sure this is the right one.
Oh, yes it is.
That's it.
This is called The Conniving and Duplicitous Democrats May Choreographed Performance Lying in Art Form.
That's what lured me into this whole definition of what lying is.
Because lying is a wonderful word.
There it is right there.
Alright, my friends.
Have a great and a glorious day.
Thank you so much for your time and effort.
We'll talk to you tomorrow.
Same bad time, same bad channel.
8 a.m. tomorrow morning.
And until we meet again, don't forget these marvelous words, this valedictory, this sayonara, this see you later.
And it goes something like this.
The monkey's dead.
The show's over.
Sue ya.
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