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July 20, 2022 - Lionel Nation
01:02:22
Regional Accents Expressions Dialects and Patois

It's the most endearing aspect of the human experience. Definitional twang and the immaculate regionalism.

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Good morning.
Good day to all of you who are still with us.
And those of us, by the way, who are not with us.
Because one day, remember, millennia from now, this moment will be somewhere recorded on something.
On the ether, on the...
Whatever you want to call it.
I welcome my friends.
I welcome my friends.
Yes, I welcome my friends, you, to today's discourse.
I want to say something very interesting.
Someone said, Lionel, you asked us to speak our minds.
Please do.
Please think.
Please do not be apodictic.
Please do not be basically...
Basically, not declamatory, but don't declaim.
Give me a reason for something.
Opinions are wonderful, but not if they're baseless.
Why do you think something?
Very good, John Smith.
Why do you think what you do?
How do you know what you do?
Where does this work?
Explain something.
Moments before, I'm putting together today's newsletter, throwing little orts and memes together, and I was listening to a debate of sorts between Lawrence Krauss and Richard Dawkins on atheism, and I am so profoundly bored, it is not even funny.
How is it that you were still trying to talk people out of their faith?
That's what you're trying to do.
How is it?
Both sides make a good point.
Why do such smart people have a difficult time understanding what faith is?
Why do they have such a hard time understanding that there are people who profoundly believe in God?
And they are not crazy.
You're not going to change their minds.
They're not going to say, I don't believe in God anymore.
Why are you doing this?
Why do we do this?
Why?
Why do we do this?
Because we don't critically think.
What is it that you're trying to do?
You're trying to have somebody lose their faith?
Why?
Why does a person's faith bother the scientist so much?
I don't care.
Can't a scientist believe in God?
I don't understand.
And why are people of faith so difficult on people not of faith?
I never hear somebody, a Christian, there's one fellow, I'm not going to mention his name, but he's one of the new breed, the new up-and-comers, the young whippersnappers, the young guns, and he wears his Christianity like a lapel pin, constantly.
Which is your right.
You have absolutely...
But when somebody ostentatiously and conspicuously shows their particular faith, they have limited faith.
There is nothing more beautiful than somebody who says, I don't have to prove anything.
I'm very at home with who I am and what I believe.
I'm not constantly telling you.
I'm a Jew.
I'm a Muslim.
Some people may argue, well, you do by virtue of your headwear, headgear, but that's a different story.
Look around you.
Look at all the people who really don't believe.
Look at how many people who tell you things they want to be when in fact they don't believe this.
Ronald Shapiro.
I have a friend of mine who pronounces it Shapiro.
Many get bothered when others don't think like them.
True.
Greetings from Kiparesia.
Greece.
Good morning.
Doesn't kiparicia sound like an eating disorder?
You know, Marjorie has kiparicia.
Kiparicia major.
No, yes.
You know, I knew something was wrong.
I know.
Certain thing.
I was listening to, um...
Oh, what is his name?
You know, the British one who's...
Anyway.
Whoever.
And it's funny how the Cockneys say, and I think.
You think?
Not think.
It's like birthday.
Isn't that interesting?
Oh, what is his name?
You know him.
The drug addle.
Now he's the anti-woke whatever he is.
You know who he is.
He's a British for whatever it's worth.
He's very, very good.
Actually very, very good.
You know, Let me ask you something.
Do you have...
Ah, it means Cyprus.
Well then, Ted, why don't they just call it Cyprus?
Come on, man.
Speak English.
That was a joke.
That was a joke.
Greeks are beautiful people.
My good friend Christo Stavrou.
In Florida, we have Tarpon Springs, which was this huge Greek community.
Here in New York, we have Russell.
Russell Brand.
Thank you.
Lisa says, Russell, someone, yes.
And he talks like this, and I think, and I think, not urgent.
I love the way entire letters are just left out of sentences.
Kaz says, Bible thumpers are the worst.
They raise heck all week and then ask for forgiveness on the weekend.
Just saying.
No, those aren't Kaz.
Kaz Peroni.
By the way, Peroni syndrome, as you know, Is when the penis, peroni, P-E-Y-R-O-N-I, not perone, which is Italian, but that's where the penis, because of the corpus callosum, there'll be like calcification, which I believe was Mr. Clinton's case.
But by the way, Bible thumpers are not hypocrites.
It's a different story.
That has nothing to do with the Bible.
There are, People who wrap themselves in a flag.
Nothing to do with the flag.
So never confuse the true.
Smith.
There we go.
Keith.
You know, Keith Richards, his Instagram name is Keith.
How does TH, does he say thank you?
That's very thoughtful of you.
No.
I love Pronunciations.
In certain aspects of urban American life, R, the letter R is pronounced Ara.
And one time I had a client who said, can you Ara or Ara?
And I thought, wow, Ara or Ara?
There's a lot of R's there.
Heroin, Heron.
Different pronunciations.
It still drives me crazy when people say, I could care less.
Absolutely.
Sends me through the roof.
I could care less.
I just...
Oh my God.
I used to sell Stamos boats.
Been to Tarpon Springs many times.
Oh yes.
Wonderful.
Tarpon Springs.
Beautiful.
How about John Ryan?
How about...
I was going to say Washington.
Washington and wash the clothes.
Missouri.
Sandwich.
Axe.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Go ahead.
Lizzie Borden, can I ask you something?
People who can't parse the verb go, and I should have went, if you really want to hear somebody who cannot speak virtually any English, and if you ever find yourself in a position Where you've taken leave of your senses altogether, and you ever watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa Giudice, which is pronounced Giudice, cannot speak English.
And she'll say, and I could have went, and you wonder, how does this happen?
I have a friend of mine who, when you say, where are you from?
He says, New Jersey.
No, no, no, no.
Before New Jersey.
New Jersey.
No, no, no, no.
And he has an accent and we can't...
It's the weirdest thing.
Eastern Canada is a boot.
A boot the hoose.
The hoose.
And also film.
It's a wonderful film.
We had this fellow one time.
I was doing a...
It was a deposition, I'll never forget, I was a prosecutor, a deposition of a Luton Lesivius, an L&L, of a guy who was a state trooper.
Why an L&L?
I have no idea.
He normally does traffic.
How do you get that?
I have no idea.
And he said, normally during a deposition, you never ask the cop a question.
That's for the other side to take the question.
If you have a question, you talk to your witness any time you want.
But I couldn't help myself because he was talking like that.
And he said, well, I could see basically where I was from.
I could see her vagina.
And I said, whoa, hey, hey.
I am not trying in any way to be needlessly concupiscent or scabrous.
But I find anatomy interesting, and I have no problem with pointing a few things out.
And the first thing is, a vagina, I don't think that's what you meant.
It's not even Virginia, and it's not vagina.
Wagina is the classical Latin pronunciation for vagina.
It means sheath.
It's a wagina.
Winnie, witty, wiki is classic Latin.
Not church-like.
Veni vidi vici.
No, no, no.
No, veni vidi vici.
Cusquitana mabutere.
Catalina patientia nostra.
You know, the catalinic orations.
How long do we got to put up with this crap?
Which should be our battle crime.
So, penis, penis is little tail.
Wagina is vagina.
I want to say something right off the bat, and ladies, you are the worst purveyors of this particular myth.
You cannot see one's vagina, or vajayjay, or vagine, or any of that stuff.
You cannot see unless you have a speculum, unless you're close inspection.
You cannot see a birth canal.
You cannot.
You can see the external os.
You can say, you can see the, not the introitus, but you can, no, the vulva is what you're talking about, the external pudendal area.
That's kind of what you're talking about.
Prostrate gland.
Thank you so much, Ted.
Prostrate.
I had prostrate surgery.
Well, I would hope so.
I hate to think you were standing up during that.
Prostrate and supine.
I have to sometimes go back and...
It's a mortgage or mortgagee.
Americans don't understand past participants.
Glaswegian is something to behold.
Yes, yes.
I love that.
I can tell you that all my...
I will want to learn your accent.
And there's a pun there, accent.
And I've had many, many, many, and I'm not going to do it now because somebody will take offense to it, but I've had many, many clients of all different extractions, and some people called it Black American English.
By the way, somebody sent me a wonderful article.
They said, do not refer to everybody who is a black American as an African American.
I stand corrected.
You are so correct.
That is an incorrect term for everybody who is black or Negro.
You are not necessarily an African American.
Absolutely true.
100%.
I found myself falling into that and I stand corrected.
But I used to imitate clients so perfectly.
And I would listen.
And it wasn't out of racism.
It was, can I do it?
Can I do it?
Can I get it?
And one time, I had a client.
I actually co-counseled with someone.
And he was so incomprehensible that even attempting to do his voice made him comprehensive.
It was a joy.
An absolute joy.
And I used it.
I'm telling you.
On two separate occasions.
One, he had a very serious DUI case.
And one of the...
It wasn't very successful, but I tried.
The police officer said...
I tried to talk to him, and he was...
I couldn't understand a word he said.
I said, ah!
Have you ever spoken to him normally?
Have you ever heard him speak?
No, I said, he is incomprehensible at his best.
His default level is incomprehensible.
I said, oh, I didn't know that.
Not only that, later on, and I'm only going to say this one, when he was involved in a very serious accident, one of the adjusters Was most sympathetic because he thought that the level of brain damage that might have been caused might have resulted in his inability to speak.
And I didn't clarify.
I said, well, oh, this person, well, you know, we were joking about, oh, you should have heard him before, Shakespeare in the Park, yodeling, for God's sake.
And now he's...
one time I had a case involving a uh It was one of the most obscure clay cases ever.
It was an implied consent hearing.
Nobody ever wins them.
Nobody ever even has them.
As you may or may not know, this was years ago.
Whenever you are charged with a DUI and you refuse the breathalyzer, you lose your license.
You lose it.
And you have to be told.
If you refuse to take this breathalyzer, pursuant to say, you're going to lose your ability to drive, and blah, blah, blah.
And so before you say no, you better know what you're doing, and hence the implied consent hearing.
Well, what happened was, it's normally very simple.
I had a client, full Rasta, from...
Jamaica.
Full.
I thought, I wonder how this is going to play in a court.
I don't even think he was involved in any kind of herb or anything.
He just had the...
It was a religion.
As you know, Rastafarian is a religion.
He may or may not have been involved.
In any event, as we were standing there before the judge, the deputy sheriff said, you know, Your Honor, I...
Oh, oh, the judge said, where is he from?
And I didn't say anything.
The deputy said, well, he told me he was from, I believe he said it was Jamaica.
Really?
Yeah.
Do you think he understood what you were saying?
I just said, the client is like this to me, and I said, not now.
And I'm listening.
I'm not saying a word.
Well, I wasn't sure, because you know, he was from Jamaica.
So when you were explaining, officer, deputy, the intricacies of this, do you think he understood the...
He said, well, he very well may have...
Oh, I see.
I see.
Well, you know, I'd rather err on the better side of caution.
I'm going to go ahead and grant thee.
And the whole time this guy is going like this.
I said, not now!
So finally we got out.
I said, okay, what is it that was so important?
What did you want to tell me?
And he said, and I can't do the accent.
He says, I'm from Jamaica.
We speak English.
I said, I know!
Now, I didn't say anything.
I never said he didn't speak.
I just let him talk.
They granted the petition.
It never happens.
Because the judge and the cop thought that Jamaicans were...
It was the stupidest thing.
I didn't say anything.
I'm not going to support a perjury.
I'm not testifying.
And this idiot wanted to clarify, you know.
But don't you love accents?
Don't you love accents?
Don't you love the French-Canadian?
We had a wrestler years ago, Joe LaDuke, the Canadian freight train.
He goes, Gordon Soley.
That wall was three foot tick.
I think.
I love that.
I can't do it.
I can't.
But I love that.
Louisiana, Justin Wilson.
Have you seen Jean-Pierre, the French?
Oh no.
I love that.
I love.
I celebrate.
Oh my God.
I celebrate.
Accents.
But you can't say this because people will say, You're being racist, but I'm not.
It doesn't even have anything to do with race.
My aunts and uncles, Sicilian aunts who kind of get it wrong.
One said, you know, I'm down in the dump.
I said, oh, what are you doing there?
You're going to get hurt.
My grandmother is still her big, she says, you know, I've got to get a new Brazil.
Somebody said one time, one of the aunts, she says, I've got flames in my lungs.
Flames.
Had a client.
And she came and she says, I said, do you have any children?
Yes.
She said, well, I had a baby.
My baby died.
I said, oh, I'm sorry.
What happened?
She says, scream your mighty Jesus.
And I turned to the daughter.
She says, spinal meningitis.
I said, oh!
Now, how beautiful is that?
I mean, not to death.
I celebrate that.
I love when people say they make mistakes.
In Catholic school, I'll never forget.
Give us this day our jelly bread.
I don't know why that cracked me up.
Punches the pilot.
Howard be thy name.
How many times have you misunderstood?
Excuse me while I kiss this guy.
You misunderstand things?
There's a way people in New Jersey say Newark.
Nobody else says this.
It's a way you can hear it.
I know it.
Philadelphia.
Oh!
You know?
Coke.
Bagels.
It's the O, you know?
Boom.
Got it.
Philly.
Got it.
Right there.
Got it.
I could do something that people don't really understand from West Tampa.
The West Tampa Spanglish.
The Cuban...
The West Tampa, they talk like that.
And the word conyo, it's the most ubiquitous word ever.
And that's a diminutive of conyo.
It fills in every response.
I can't go into a lot of this stuff.
But there's this way they talk like that.
I went to the doctor.
You know, I'm working the Seaguar.
They have words like wah-wah for bus.
How many know?
You know what this is.
NERC.
That's right.
NERC.
Fran Giannini.
There she is, the Chanteuse.
It's actually NERC.
W-N-E-R-C.
I've heard NERC.
NERC.
And by the way, Newark.
Remember, the iron-bound section.
For the Portuguese.
And also there is something that is only had, only, you only know what there is, the Italian hot dog.
People in New York don't know what it is.
Jimmy Buffs, White House, whatever.
There's one thing, the, the, there's these things that everybody, ruts hot, I don't eat them, but they, they, they, they deep fry the, the, the Frankfurter and they burst open.
Things that are just...
But ways that people in Florida, Florida, there's a county called Lafayette.
And Lafayette, I'm trying to think in Florida, Lafayette, I'm trying to think what part of the...
Lafayette County is in...
Well, there's a lot of them.
In Florida, it's in Mayo.
Mayo is a speed trap.
Anyway, they don't call it Lafayette.
It's Lafayette.
That's like here.
Everybody knows in New York.
It's not Houston.
It's Houston.
You don't stand in a line.
You stand on a line.
I don't know why.
Kind of a weird thing.
Americans refer to, oh, Leicester Square as Leicester.
We call it Leicester.
Yes.
Leicester.
Worcester.
You know the word Worcester.
Worcestershire.
You know where people don't know this.
You know where Worcestershire sauce, where the name comes from.
Guy walked into a steakhouse, found all these bottles of black liquid.
He says, hey, Worcestershire sauce.
Now, most people don't know that.
I've gone far too long.
I want to talk to you about something very important.
You know what I'm going to talk about right now?
Good news.
Who notices gas is going down?
Have you noticed this?
Who notices gas?
Rippers.
Ruts Hut.
Thank you so much, Stephen.
Got to go park the cash.
That Liz.
I don't want to park.
Liz, I guess that means something in your neck of the way.
Very quickly.
I've got to do this because I'm running late and I have to do it.
The gas, petrol, is going down.
You know what that means?
Money.
More money.
A little more money.
What does that mean?
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I'm still not kidding you.
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Listen to this, and listen to me very, very carefully.
I remember a while back, people said, they thought that was the craziest thing anybody's ever said.
These guys are in it.
Have you met these prepper types?
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They actually think that they're going to need food.
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Natural disasters?
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I love and have loved accents, and I love the way the British can listen.
I remember one time, I still love to watch old Parkinson's shows.
What a terrible name.
Michael Parkinson, Parkey.
And he does things like, oh, Newcastle.
Oh, Birmingham.
Oh, and I don't know him.
Now, Newcastle, Geordie is my favorite.
I think that's the greatest.
I think those, that's the place.
People are like, would you like to go to Europe?
Well, do you want to go to London?
Yeah, I guess.
I want to go to Newcastle.
That's what I...
I think those are the greatest people I've ever seen in my life.
There's something about it.
Lionel, let's hear your best Boston.
Ooh, Boston is tough.
There was a guy we had years ago.
There was this wonderful man.
He did the show on the weekends in Florida.
And he says, this is your electronics doctor.
And people who do that PAC, the PAC, you know, I'm not going to have it yet.
I can't do that.
But he would say your doctor.
And there's wonderful...
You know, it's funny.
Let me tell you something.
Do you know, Liz Solak, the similarity between Australian and Boston?
Shaq.
There's a shark in a park.
If you listen to them, they're very, very kind of sort of similar.
I do not know any of my...
My British is horrible.
All I know is a Stentorian kind of a fake Shakespearean.
That's why I do not...
I've never liked Shakespeare.
I'm sorry.
Why must people say, and forsooth, for thy are thee who come here.
Who speaks like this?
That's that Richard Burton and Olivier.
Forsooth, thus I see into the precipice.
No, no, no, no.
In fact, if you heard the way Shakespeare spoke at the time, it sounds almost like a pirate compared to now.
Southern Border.
Love a Welsh accent.
I can't do that one.
I still cannot tell the difference between New Zealand, Australian.
I have to.
Very, very similar.
But I will tell you this much.
Ooh!
Honey, look at this.
Still Game on Netflix is a hilarious Scottish comedy.
Still Game.
Make a note of that.
Last night we saw...
What was that?
The Other Woman or something?
Other woman or...
It was the worst Woody Allen corny...
Is it the other woman or another woman?
Another woman.
Jenna Rowland and John...
Well, she's great.
John Cassavetes is.
But it is this corny 80s New York...
Typical...
These parties where they're...
Playing the piano, and these apartments that are so huge, where they'll say things like, well, I'm celebrating my book on Russian existentialism.
I compare Kierkegaard, I mean, this is Woody Allen, this autodidact, this faux, or as my friend says, suedo intellect.
Forcing himself into subject matter that nobody spoke about or like or regarded except for a Woody Allen movie.
Anyway, it was just horrible.
Now, by the way, Irish.
The best one ever.
I have a friend of mine.
I did not know anything about Irish people at all until I did years of studying with them at some of the finest Irish establishments.
And really got to know.
And one of my friends was from the north.
I don't know where exactly he was.
I could kind of hear northern, you know, like Jerry Adams, the mothers, the fathers, or in your face.
I'm going to slap in your face.
I'm going to spray mace in your face, on your place.
I used to love that one.
But my friend...
He always had a...
How do I do this?
He has like a...
Like a pipe.
And he...
And he'd say, hi, I, I. I said, hi?
I, I, I, I?
Why, I?
He said, I, all the time.
I, I, I, I. Okay.
And he said, I'll tell you what.
And he was used to, you know, any kind of political talk, it was always whispered.
I said, so what do you think about, you know, Bill Clinton?
Aye.
Aye.
Aye?
Aye?
And I would just repeat, aye?
Aye?
Are you saying aye?
What are you saying?
Aye.
I'll tell you what, if your mom never comes there with this, I thought I knew, well, these won't, not there with war.
Hey, Dafa, the Mickey.
And I'm thinking, I don't know what he's talking about.
And you know, you don't want to say like, I don't know what you're saying.
And you say, okay, fine.
And I always thought, you know, if you had a stroke, sometimes people...
It's like aphasia.
You can't hear what people are saying.
The best one was a guy who's...
Everybody in New York knows him.
Everybody in the Irish...
Everybody knows...
He's not with us anymore.
He's dead, by the way.
He's not with us anymore.
Is he dead?
No, he's just not with us anymore.
He left years ago.
But he was a...
It was a combination of a little bit of a lisp.
And a Galway kind of a thing.
But he was the best.
And he would say, this one there, your man.
Now I didn't know what this meant.
He goes, your man.
Oh, your man Hitler.
My man Hitler.
Wait a minute.
What?
My man?
My man?
I thought, you mean I'm some kind of an association with Hitler?
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Your man.
I don't.
I'm not into...
My man?
I'll tell you what.
I saw your man with your one.
My one?
My one what?
Your one.
Your one?
That's your woman.
I saw your man, told your one.
So your man there?
Your man?
Your man, uh...
Your man, doctor, the mega, your man.
Your man, you're the one.
My one?
Nobody told me what this meant.
So I'm thinking...
I just went, hi, hi.
He's going, hi.
I don't know what he's talking about.
This guy, my one Hitler?
I'm what, a Nazi?
Is that what you're saying?
But the best one was the first time I said the best.
But the first time I met him, he says, I said, you want this one there, your man there.
Folks, take the one there.
Take the one.
You, you, you, take the money on your Ruby Ridge, your FBI, your Waco.
Don't tell you what, this man's coming in there, this one.
Is he totally one there, for fuck's sake, the one.
Jesus.
Don't tell you when the man condemned there, this one there, there.
And you say, for fuck's sake, the one there, you tell Bill Clinton, only the busters in the FBI, huh?
Huh?
And I would say, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Aye, aye, aye.
I got the aye over here, aye.
You're one.
This guy thinks I'm a Nazi, and then this, I don't know what he's talking about.
This one there was a lot of things.
One there, this one there.
This one, and they had Mexicans at this one restaurant in the back.
Mexican South Americans say, this is Pedro, this one.
Yes, this one.
I go, okay.
I'm thinking, how does this guy from Guatemala understand what this one is?
So one time, I got, I picked up the phone, and I called up, like early, and the kitchen staff, I said, this one there.
He goes, hello.
And he gave the name.
He goes, uh-huh, okay.
So I'm telling him what to do.
I don't know what I'm saying.
And he says, okay.
I'm thinking, what is going on here?
There was a, there was a, believe me, if I told you, this one there, the one thing.
I had a friend of mine, Who's a wonderful man.
He says...
I said, what?
What's your name?
My name's Ducklin.
I don't know.
Is it?
Everything sounds like a question.
My name's Ducklin.
Could be.
Maybe not.
I don't know.
I guess.
He said, I'll tell you what.
There's a...
Have you met my partner?
I said, oh, your partner.
Oh, hey, that's great.
Hey!
Great!
Great!
You know, to each his own.
I didn't know partner, girlfriend.
This was in the old days.
How about this one?
Excuse me, can you tell me where that toilet is?
And I had to explain to him, I said, don't say toilet.
Say bathroom, restroom, men's room, something like that.
Toilet!
Because you're referring just to the thing.
This one there, the one thing.
Don't tell you what in there.
This one there, German, German there comes there, he says, this one there, Joe Biden come here, yes.
There's something, Nafnabek, your, your, your, your, Kamala, how much what you're, your one, your one Harris there.
Is this one there, Putin, you see, you know, Zelensky, tell you what, this folks take the one there, come there, you know, Okay, enough of that.
I didn't intend to go anywhere near this today.
But I was feeling kind of, you know, I can stop this if you would like.
I would stop this.
Because I really should.
I also do imitations of people.
I could do the best Aunt Rose anybody's ever heard, but she's been gone for 50 years.
But I can do it.
I mean, damn good.
In any event.
Let's see what we got.
Hit like.
That's why it's sealed.
Yes, please hit the like button.
By the way, Mrs. L has a brand new newsletter that went out today.
I hope you sign up for that one.
Carol says, don't stop.
Speaking of Harris, Richard Harris, a great Irish actor.
Richard Harris, I liked him a lot.
And I liked when...
Peter wrote Tool and he would just get just gassed out of their minds.
Absolutely.
A man from South Africa went into an ice cream parlor in New York and was directed to the drugstore.
True story.
A man from South Africa went to get an ice cream in New York and was directed to the drugstore.
True story.
Okay.
Okay.
There's a...
Okay.
Need not need.
Snockered or snokered.
I don't know.
I'm just reading some of your things today.
Oh, Mel Legacy says boring.
Oh.
Maybe I should stop.
Yeah, boring.
Well, that's it.
I'm going to stop because if somebody finds this boring, I...
Far be it from me.
Would you like me to stop?
Because if somebody thinks this is boring, especially when this is free and it's not costing you anything.
But no, no, no.
Far be it from me.
Far be it from me.
I, uh...
I'm, you know...
Kathleen Lavinson says, yes, Aunt Rose.
I'm the only person right now On the planet.
Who is being given a request for Aunt Rose.
Aunt Rose.
Oh, God, I can't see.
I'm thinking to myself.
I'm doing a quick inventory.
I think they're all dead.
I think they're all dead.
So I can do this.
Aunt Rose.
She always, like, she had this note.
Like, her nose is broken.
She's making pizza.
Pizza came up.
No!
And your name, she will give you a name.
No!
Joey?
What?
What's your name?
Me!
Pino?
Pino is like Joe?
You call me Pino?
Every time she's gonna...
No!
Jovi?
I mean, I think she just named...
I don't...
I don't think she had a name.
So when she died, my sister, who I would always...
Oh, my poor sister.
She was two years younger than me.
And I could tell her anything.
I told her she was adopted.
Told her the police brought her.
Really?
I said, yeah.
She was 38 at the time.
Which is kind of hard to believe.
But I told her she had arthritis.
She had eczema on time.
I said, well, that's when you put your hand into a barbecue.
What?
Yeah, I did.
Anything I told her, she believed.
I'm adopted, yeah, but don't tell mom and dad.
They're very serious about this.
Really?
The police brought you.
The police?
Why?
I said, isn't it obvious?
No.
So when Aunt Rose, we're at the funeral, I'm like, we're at the casket.
So I said, no, no, I can't wait.
And my sister was looking at me like, oh no.
Because she thought, You can't make fun of dead people.
And I said, no, I think you can.
I kind of think you can.
And she absolutely went berserk, trying not to laugh.
Now that may sound, I know it doesn't sound like much to you when you're thinking, well, believe me.
Believe me.
I could call people up on the phone and say nothing.
And they'd be, I called another cousin.
Hi, Aunt Rose.
You making dinner?
Sure.
I'm thinking, what is he answering?
What am I saying?
Maybe it's me.
Maybe the joke wasn't me.
Maybe they said, listen, this guy's going to call you.
And whenever he calls you, you're doing that fake Aunt Rose.
You just talk to him and drive him crazy.
And between Aunt Rose and the Irish?
Think about this.
I would love to go to your...
Oh, look at this.
Greetings from Denmark.
And yeah, something's rotten.
I want to know.
See, this is the thing.
I want to go to your town, your city, your country, and I want you to say, okay, tell me the poop.
Tell me the poop.
When you see sometimes, have you ever seen this one?
YouTube has it.
A white, you know, Caucasian, With the thickest Jamaican accent.
As though the two don't matter.
A black man, African I guess, with an Irish accent.
As though the two don't work.
We have these ideas about that.
But I would love to go to your town, your area, and say, you tell me.
Tell me what to notice.
Tell me the way people order things.
Like if you go to Philly and you get a cheese today, what or what out?
You know, that kind of thing.
You got to know what to say.
Tell me.
Give me.
Now, I wish I could.
I can't tell you.
I can't.
Some of the best stuff I do, I can't.
Because they'll call it racist.
Or they'll call it shaming or something.
Because we've lost our sense of humor.
And the greatest thing in the world is when you...
Bus balls, frankly, sorry, that's the way you call it, kid with each other and make fun of each other.
There was something, if you ever see this, I'm not going to post it, I'm not going to, I'm just going to tell you about it.
You can see it, it's online, but it was from National Lampoon, PJ O 'Rourke, that is called Foreigners Around the World.
It will get you indicted.
They blast everybody, Canadians, French, Africans, Italians, I think Americans, Russians, Spanish, Puerto Rican,
with pictures and cartoon depictions that are so, you would call it, racist beyond But it's funny because everybody is just skewered.
And I loved it.
And it's ecumenical.
And if you have this in your possession, if anybody sees you with this, it will get you indicted.
I'm telling you.
And it's some of the funniest stuff I have ever seen.
Ever.
If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about.
Because my sense of humor is simply this.
Is it funny?
Is it funny?
I can't even tell you.
You'll know immediately.
If what I'm saying is, I don't know, meant to, based on hate, it's not.
I've had friends of mine, of various, well two in particular.
And we were sitting there one day, and I'm not going to go into the particular demographic, but my friend, we're talking.
I said, well, you must tell, you know, white jokes or Catholic jokes or whatever.
And he said, no.
I said, you're kidding me.
I said, no, seriously.
I said, you don't tell jokes?
He said, jokes about what?
I said, you know, like your particular.
And then you can use your imagination.
And this is a great buddy of mine.
I said, well, give me one.
I said, I can't tell.
I can't tell you that.
He goes, no.
I said, no, I'm not going to say that.
We're eating lunch.
I'll never forget that.
He goes, come on, just tell me one.
I said, all right.
Now, you asked for this now.
You're not going to get offended.
He says, no, I'm not going to get offended.
I said, okay.
And he was eating something.
I don't know what it was.
But when I told him the joke, he spit.
He was like slamming.
I said, oh, that's nothing.
You think that's good?
What about this?
Now he's howling.
We're kind of in an office setting.
Somebody walked by, heard him laughing.
He said, what are you guys doing?
He said, listen to these jokes.
So I'm telling him the joke and the person at the door said like, I don't want to be around this.
Because we've lost.
Look at this.
Lisa said, my Italian aunt told the best Italian jokes.
I used to love to tell jokes with just the punchline.
One time, oh this was, listen to this.
When I first did talk radio, I did, I said Alsatian.
I used the word Alsatian.
Nobody knew what an Alsatian was.
And I would say, what are you doing?
I'm so scared right now because of this world we live in.
I can't even give you the punchline because you'll be able to reverse engineer.
But I did the joke and I left out, but the joke made sense.
People were howling.
We told some of the most, the jokes were incredible.
All you had to do was use the word Alsatia.
This was on the radio.
This was in 1980, late 80s, early 90s.
We had a sense of humor then.
And it wasn't meant, that's the thing, it wasn't meant to harm.
We had Polish jokes.
Nobody knew what a Polish joke was even about.
But the joke had to make sense.
You could change it for anything else.
They used to have blonde jokes.
Remember blonde jokes?
I don't even know if you can tell blonde jokes now.
How can you tell that so-and-so has been using your computer?
There's whiteout on the screen.
I mean, it's stupid.
It's stupid.
But that's the thing.
And remember when you were a kid.
Oh, look at this.
Jimmy says, how offended would these snowflakes be if they heard Don Rickles?
Do you remember Don Rickles initially?
Don Rickles would do jokes about People would blow guns.
I'm never going to apologize for what I think is funny.
I'm never going to apologize for anything that I think is funny.
If you want to see what racist is, racist behavior is Pedantic.
Patronizing.
They're there.
You don't.
We don't want to say anything about you.
We used to play a game.
Listen to this.
And what made me think of this is recently somebody said, you know, they don't play dodgeball.
Remember dodgeball?
Wouldn't you love this dodgeball?
Yeah, put the kid in money, hit him with a ball, and you get out, and I'm in, and you try to hit me with a ball.
Never thought anything of it.
Oh, no, no, that, that, no, no, no.
No.
And it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life.
I've never understood this.
At lunchtime, at Sacred Heart Academy, where we had a school that was based, It was on a cemetery.
We had mausoleah in the playground.
Well, we played at lunch.
Kill the man.
That was our game.
Somebody would say, you!
And all of a sudden, we would turn, and whoever it was, irrespective of whatever, this man ran for our kid, ran for his life, and we would chase him down and jump on him.
If I would have said then, you know, you know that what we're doing right now is...
I think this is...
What are you talking about?
We had a sense of humor.
You have to be...
How do we say this?
You have to be...
You have to be very humble.
Always love to try to imitate somebody.
There was a friend of the family.
You may not remember this, but salad bars came into existence.
They always really were.
I never understood the salad bar.
I was like, no, no, no, you get the salad.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not going to make the food.
I never understood the whole thing.
We had this place called Steak and Ale.
It was in the cell.
So anyway, we had this friend of the family.
And every time she went...
Every time she was going, would you look at that!
Chickpeas!
Hey, Mama!
She had her mother with her.
Hey, Mama!
They got chickpeas!
You've seen a garbanzo.
Look at that broccoli florets!
And this is what she would do.
So you're behind her like this.
You're in the line with your plate.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
They got meats.
What is that, mama?
What is that?
Is that a water chestnut?
Or a bean sprout?
So anyway, we're like, okay, let's go.
So what I would do was, I...
Ahead of her, I said, I'm going to teach her a lesson.
So once I moved my way in front of her, as we're doing this, and I started doing my own taxonomy.
Well, would you look at there?
Noodles.
They have noodles.
Cold noodles.
Hot noodles.
Egg-based.
Is that Durham?
Is this a...
You know, fettuccine is an egg-based noodle.
Now, she's next to me.
Everybody knows what I'm doing.
And she's like this.
Come on.
Would you look at that garbanzo?
I think the Italians call them ceci.
Did you know that?
They call them ceci.
C-E-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I-C-I- And you only do it to people you like.
You only, if I meet you, I'm going to smash your culioni.
I'm going to smash them.
That's all.
Period.
Alright.
That's it.
Now, I never mentioned one time our good friend Mike Lindell.
Mike's a good man.
Did you know that?
It's true.
He's got this thing here called My Pillar.
Did you know that?
It's true.
If you go to MyPillar.com, that's pillow.
Use the promo code Lionel.
Use Lionel.
And they got everything you can want.
And you know what?
We get credit.
They got a flash sale.
My Pillar's as low as $19.88.
Slipper blowout.
Did you ever have a slipper blowout?
Well, if you do, wear a long coat.
Nobody will notice.
When you hit the bridge wave, I'll tell you what.
You go to Mike Lindell, and it's called MyPillow.com.
He's a good man.
He's a patriot.
Not only do they have that, they got stuff.
Look at this.
They've got a thing here.
They've got FrankSpeech.com yard signs.
Did you know that?
Workout Coffee.
But they got a print.
Of the Lion of Judah.
Look at this.
They've got stuff.
IXL, electrolytes, and collagen, too.
In case you have too many chickpeas, how about this called Bleed Stop?
Stops bleeding in seconds.
Maybe some of them liberals might want to try that.
With them, they're bleeding hearts.
Now, you go right now to MyPillow.com and you make sure you put in promo code Lionel.
L-I-O-N-E-L.
Lionel.
That's the way I say it.
And he's a good man, and we get the credit.
I like other people, too.
If they have that, my pillar, that's fine.
I don't mind that.
They're trying to make it, but frankly, I couldn't care less about it.
I'm only caring about us, and number one.
So you go there, my pillar, P-I-L-L-O-W, and you put in promo code Lionel, and I'll take care of you.
Slicker than Snide in that door knob, I'll tell you what.
Harder than times in 29. I'll tell you what.
Some people are tight.
Tighter than a bull's ass at fly time.
That's true.
Anyway, you do that.
Alright?
You do it?
Swear to God.
Because they got chickpeas.
Did you know that, Mama?
They got chickpeas.
Alright.
Well, I want to apologize to that one fellow here.
He said, you know, I don't...
I thought this was boring.
I apologize to you.
I mean, we could talk all day long.
You want to talk about Zelensky?
We could do that if you'd like.
We could talk about, oh, I don't know, maybe that Cloud Schwab feller.
You want to talk about that?
That's good for a few laughs.
Yep.
Talk about old Joe Biden, bless his heart.
And you know in the South that they say, bless your heart.
That's not good.
That is not good.
All right, my friend.
Did y 'all have fun?
Did you have fun?
Did you have fun?
You know what?
I'm not going to apologize.
Because life's too damn short.
Okay?
I'm going to tell you right now.
Life's too damn short, and that's just the way that is.
Sometimes it bees like that.
Sometimes you've got to just do what you think is right.
Even though people find you gross and disgusting, I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm not going to pretend to care.
And as my good friend the Irish fella would say, this one there, the folks take the one there.
Okay?
Okay.
Alright, my friends.
So don't forget, too.
PrepareWithLionel.com Great, great people.
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Don't forget.
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And MyPillar.
MyPillar.com Promo code Lionel.
Alright?
Okay.
You have a great and a glorious day, my friends.
I'm sorry.
Please, I apologize for not being serious today and not going through all of the stuff which I...
I know you want to talk about.
I know.
But you just...
Sometimes I just have to...
I got to kind of cut loose.
You know what I mean?
Speaking of cutting loose...
All right, my friends.
Have a great and glorious day.
See you tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel, 9 a.m. Eastern Time.
And as my friend Vinny would say, the monkey's dead, the show's over.
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