Andrew Klavan Show - Try Not To Laugh At These Marriage TikToks
Aired: 2026-03-19
Duration: 08:16


=== Marriage Wisdom From TikTok (05:48) ===

[00:00:00]  All right, today we're going to go to TikTok, the font of all wisdom, if by wisdom you mean foolishness about marriage.
[00:00:07]  It seems to me that if you're married, you shouldn't be on TikTok.
[00:00:09]  And if you're on TikTok, you probably shouldn't be married.
[00:00:11]  But we'll find out.
[00:00:12]  Maybe I'm wrong.
[00:00:13]  Let's see.
[00:00:13]  We're a married couple.
[00:00:15]  We start every morning talking about how badly we both slept.
[00:00:18]  I'm the wife.
[00:00:19]  A morning quickie wakes me up better than coffee.
[00:00:22]  Honey.
[00:00:26]  We're supposed to be talking about funny things with married couples.
[00:00:32]  Woman made perfect sense.
[00:00:33]  What a lucky guy.
[00:00:35]  Good morning, class.
[00:00:38]  It's like when your wife says, I'd rather have a morning quickie than coffee.
[00:00:41]  You're supposed to say, like, turn off the camera.
[00:00:44]  That's what you're supposed to do.
[00:00:45]  You're supposed to turn off the camera.
[00:00:46]  That's the problem with TikTok.
[00:00:47]  All right, let's see another one.
[00:00:48]  First and foremost, if you have a chore to do, just take your time, man.
[00:00:53]  Get to it when you want to get to it.
[00:00:55]  Play video games.
[00:00:56]  Take a nap.
[00:00:58]  Because women like a guy who's independent.
[00:01:00]  I can't stress this enough.
[00:01:01]  My final piece of advice to you.
[00:01:04]  You've made it.
[00:01:05]  This is it.
[00:01:06]  It's all smooth sailing from here.
[00:01:08]  You just stop trying.
[00:01:12]  That's a guy giving a toast at a wedding, it looked like.
[00:01:14]  And I liked how the bride was laughing, but in her eyes was like, I think I'm going to kill this dude after this is all.
[00:01:22]  Great advice.
[00:01:23]  I have followed that my whole life.
[00:01:26]  You know, whenever my wife asked me to do something, I sort of wander off.
[00:01:30]  And I explained to her, I'm an artist, you know, I have to, I'm creating.
[00:01:33]  And I didn't hear a word she said.
[00:01:35]  And then, you know, she usually says something and I say, what?
[00:01:39]  It works every time.
[00:01:40]  And she loves that.
[00:01:41]  She loves being married to an artist.
[00:01:43]  All right, more.
[00:01:44]  Ian and I are going to be participating in the trend, what you would do if a woman approached you.
[00:01:51]  Okay?
[00:01:53]  Hi.
[00:01:54]  Hey.
[00:01:55]  Why are you letting her touch you?
[00:01:58]  I didn't do that.
[00:01:59]  Why are you, why is she touching you and you just stand there like a big idiot?
[00:02:06]  Ian, don't play games with me.
[00:02:08]  Play hopscotch with the devil.
[00:02:10]  Don't play games with me.
[00:02:12]  Okay.
[00:02:12]  Because there's other games we could play.
[00:02:14]  We could play.
[00:02:14]  You had to lose one you could choose.
[00:02:16]  Number one being oxygen, the good stuff.
[00:02:21]  Number two being the ability to chew your own food.
[00:02:24]  Because I'll spoon feed you for the rest of your life.
[00:02:27]  I don't mind.
[00:02:28]  Number three being the use of your legs.
[00:02:30]  You ever seen the movie Misery Ian?
[00:02:34]  I have.
[00:02:35]  Let's try this again.
[00:02:37]  Hi.
[00:02:38]  Hi.
[00:02:40]  Why is she touching you?
[00:02:43]  Nice curve.
[00:02:49]  That guy can't win.
[00:02:50]  If he pulled away, she would have said, why are you pulling away?
[00:02:53]  I'm your wife, right?
[00:02:57]  This guy made a mistake before the video started.
[00:03:00]  When she said, let's play this game where we practice what would happen if a woman approached you.
[00:03:06]  He should have said, that's really interesting, but I have to catch my plane to Seattle.
[00:03:11]  That would only be true.
[00:03:13]  He should only say that if he's not currently in Seattle.
[00:03:16]  In fact, the further away he is from Seattle, the more he should say that because he wants to get away from that game altogether.
[00:03:22]  Do not play that game ever at any time for any possible reason.
[00:03:28]  is the sign of being abused.
[00:03:30]  So if you're ever in a situation where you're, if you're ever in a situation where you can't say anything and you're beat, gosh.
[00:03:40]  Stop it.
[00:03:43]  And now he's being abused.
[00:03:44]  He was right.
[00:03:45]  He was right.
[00:03:45]  Rescue that man.
[00:03:46]  If you can find that man, rescue that man.
[00:03:48]  He was absolutely right to say what he was saying.
[00:03:52]  These are actually pretty good.
[00:03:53]  Usually TikTok videos, you feel like you've gone to hell, hopefully temporarily.
[00:03:59]  You just think like maybe before, you know, to avoid hell through all eternity, you get this little temporary taste of TikTok hell, and that will save you over the long run.
[00:04:10]  But these are actually kind of charming.
[00:04:11]  Let's see some more.
[00:04:12]  You know, you've been married a long time when you wake up and tell your wife, babe, you know, I'm not feeling too good today.
[00:04:16]  I think I'm getting sick.
[00:04:18]  And instead of saying, oh, are you okay? She looks you straight in the face and says, I don't have time for this today.
[00:04:26]  Now, that's not good.
[00:04:28]  That's not nice.
[00:04:29]  That's not nice.
[00:04:30]  It's passion.
[00:04:32]  If you can't depend on the absolute pity of your wife for your problems, she's not doing her job.
[00:04:39]  When you reach a certain point in your life, you realize there are bigger things you've been putting off, like actually protecting the life you've built for the people you love.
[00:04:48]  Life insurance and financial planning sound like they were designed to be confusing, so you kick the can down the road and hope for the best.
[00:04:55]  Who wants to think about that stuff?
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=== Life Insurance For Young Couples (02:27) ===

[00:05:48]  K-L-A-V-A-N.
[00:05:51]  I'm about to go to the store.
[00:05:53]  Is there anything that you want me to get?
[00:05:56]  I mean, just get stuff I can eat.
[00:05:59]  Like stuff I can just grab and eat.
[00:06:05]  Stuff where I can just open the fridge and just grab it.
[00:06:12]  All right, that is a woman pretending to be her husband, answering her questions like her husband.
[00:06:17]  This guy strikes me as an amateur.
[00:06:19]  Maybe she's not being fair to him.
[00:06:21]  What you really do is, you know, just whatever you want, just, you know, get some food.
[00:06:25]  It'll be great.
[00:06:26]  And then after she's finished shopping, you go like, how come we didn't get any weak things?
[00:06:31]  You know, like, I love weakness.
[00:06:32]  I love weak things.
[00:06:33]  You know, then she says, I asked you, you know, why?
[00:06:36]  And you go, hey, that's okay.
[00:06:38]  You know, you kind of push back to your eyes so you don't see the little thinless tear coming out of the corner of your eye.
[00:06:46]  That works a lot better than what that guy was doing.
[00:06:48]  So he hasn't really learned how to be a good husband yet.
[00:06:51]  All right, let's watch some more.
[00:06:53]  Look here, marriage is like having a best friend who don't remember nothing you say.
[00:06:57]  A good marriage is just two people taking turns being the problem.
[00:07:01]  Marriage is mostly yelling, what?
[00:07:03]  From different rooms in the house.
[00:07:05]  If you want to stay married, sometimes you just not.
[00:07:08]  Marriage is spending half your life looking for something the other person moves.
[00:07:13]  Every married couple has that one story they both tell very differently.
[00:07:17]  Marriage is when she asks what you want to eat and every answer you give is wrong.
[00:07:22]  A strong marriage is when you're both mad, but you still ask if the other one wants something from the kitchen.
[00:07:27]  Marriage means somebody's always hot and somebody's always cold.
[00:07:32]  All I know is that is the most charming accent I've ever heard.
[00:07:35]  Sounds southern.
[00:07:36]  Are you though?
[00:07:37]  If you're married to a woman who talks like that.
[00:07:39]  In fact, I'm going to tell my wife she has to talk like that.
[00:07:42]  Actually, she was pretty funny.
[00:07:44]  But it doesn't matter what she says because I'm just incredibly charmed by the accent.
[00:07:47]  All right, I'm glad there are still people on TikTok, people on TikTok who are still married.
[00:07:52]  And they're a lot more charming than the other people.
[00:07:54]  And none of them had rings in their noses.
[00:07:56]  Did you notice that?
[00:07:57]  I think that there may be some kind of connection, possibly causative, between the fact that all those people were obviously happily married and none of them had rings in their noses.
[00:08:07]  Just say.
[00:08:08]  If you want to be happily married, like and subscribe.
[00:08:11]  And if you even want to be blissfully married, subscribe to the Andrew Clavin Show, wherever you get your podcasts.