Why These Fantasy Stories Would Be Better If I Were The Protagonist explores absurd reimaginings of classics like Lord of the Rings—where the speaker would ditch Frodo’s hairy feet and corruption—Harry Potter, with wand-based romance and Voldemort’s demise, and Game of Thrones, renamed Game of Chairs for "nicer" women. Meanwhile, ExpressVPN’s ad reveals how data brokers sell online activity (purchases, locations, beliefs) to marketers, activists, and politicians, highlighting encryption as a solution. The episode ends by teasing a fictional book, After That the Dark, claiming it captures the speaker’s essence, blending satire with self-mythologizing. [Automatically generated summary]
Today's video is about what would happen to a story if I became the central male protagonist, which I think is a hilarious idea.
I mean, if you're like me, you probably imagine yourself sometimes as the hero of the novel.
I write novels.
I don't write them about myself.
I write them about Cameron Winter, but still, you know, I sometimes imagine that I'm in there.
What would that change about a novel if I were the protagonist?
And I think, you know, I have a good imagination.
I think I can explain this.
I don't know what these novels are.
They're going to feed them to me.
And I will decide what would happen if I became the star of the story.
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Here is the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
And for those of you who haven't read The Lord of the Rings because you're blind or haven't learned to read yet, in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the hobbit Frodo Baggins inherits a powerful ring that must be destroyed to stop the dark.
I can already see what this would be like with me.
This is Stop the Dark Lord Sauron.
With allies from various races, he journeys to Mount Doom.
Meanwhile, epic battles unfold as Middle-earth's people unite against evil, friendship and sacrifice to find their quest.
Now, the thing about the ring, right, is it makes you invisible, and invisibility is this great power because you can do anything you want.
You know.
So, yeah, that's what would happen if I were the star.
If I were Frodo, first of all, I'd be taller and forget the big feet.
You know, that's just not happening.
I have big, hairy feet not happening.
So I would be taller and not have the big, hairy feet.
If you gave me a ring that made me invisible, there would be a lot of women screaming and wondering who pinched them.
That's basically what would happen.
A lot of women thinking, why do I feel like somebody's hands are on me?
And then, you know, you know, the guy turns into, you know, the goblin because he holds on to the ring of power.
That would be me, but it wouldn't matter because I'd be invisible, so I could still go around pinching women.
They'd be afraid.
Sauron would take over the lands.
The evil would dominate, but I would still be able to grab women without their knowing who it is.
Okay.
It's a comedy, is it?
No.
So that would be, that would be how that.
Would that be better?
I think that would actually be a better story.
All right, the Harry Potter series.
That follows a young wizard, Harry, as he discovers his magical heritage and attends Hogwarts school.
He battles the dark lord Voldemort, who seeks immortality and power alongside friends Hermione and Ron.
Harry uncovers secrets, faces trials, and ultimately embraces love and courage to save the wizarding world.
Why are all these like magical fantasies?
I have to say that, you know, I'm thinking, like, would I do anything different with Harry's wand than I would do with just the ring of invisibility?
I mean, wouldn't I just then make myself invisible and chase women that way?
Probably not.
I think with the wand, I would make the women just fall in love with me.
That would be the only spell I wouldn't want, right?
And it's like, pow.
You may think I'm a little obsessive so that every story that I was in would just become vaguely pornographic and probably illegal.
So it's mainly you sort of go around seeing ladies' tits.
Mainly.
The only difference is I think if I had that kind of power with a wand, where it wasn't just me being invisible, because that's kind of a lame power, right?
You get invisible after you run around grabbing women.
What can you do with that?
But with a wand, I think I might take some time off from turning women into adoring fans to kill the bad guy.
You're not allowed to mention his name, but I would probably kill the bad guy, win the trophy at Quidditch, and win the girl.
But it would be like a lot of girls.
It would be a lot of mesmerized girls with like the eyes with the spirals in them.
So I think that would be a good better novel, probably.
No, come on.
J.K. Rowling did a good job, but this is better.
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
In The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, four siblings enter the magical land of Narnia through a wardrobe.
They discover a world under the rule of the evil white witch.
With the help of the noble lion, Aslan, they fight to restore peace, fulfilling an ancient prophecy and becoming Narnia's heroes.
Now, I have to be a little careful here because, like, obviously, the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is a metaphor, an allegory for the Christ story.
Aslan is Christ, the lion.
This is a spoiler alert.
In the book, the first book, he is killed on an altar and then comes back to life, which never made any sense to me because he doesn't explain that he's really Jesus, right?
So, how do I know he's Jesus if he's just a lion that came back to life?
If I were in the story, I would, you know, if I would probably be the prince, I would probably put a license like on a dog around Aslan's neck, you know, that had like identity tags, says, I am really Christ.
Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe Metaphor00:05:41
That's why I came back to life.
It would be the same, it would be the same story.
The only difference would be that you would understand why the lion is back.
You know, think he just died, now he's back.
Oh, wait, oh, wait, it says, I am really Christ.
That's why I'm back.
So, that would help, that would be helpful.
That would be helpful to understanding the story.
I never liked that book.
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All right, Watership Down, a book I have never read but would like to read.
I don't know why I would like to read it.
It's about a group of rabbits.
They escape their Warren after one senses danger.
Led by Hazel, they face predators, harsh terrain, and hostile warrens in search of a safe home.
Through courage, loyalty, and vision, they establish a new warren, overcoming trials and forming a hopeful new beginning for their kind.
So, if I were in Watership Down, it wouldn't be about rabbits.
That's the first thing.
I mean, let's face it, who cares?
First of all, if one warren dies, there's so many of them they'll come back.
So, who cares?
Yeah, no, I wouldn't be warned.
I would be me, so I'd want it to be somebody better looking.
You know, maybe greyhounds, maybe like golden retrievers or something like that.
So, an animal with like a lot of style.
Maybe I'd be a lion.
I'd be a story of lions, and I'd wear something around my neck that says, I am not really Christ, so please don't kill me.
Yeah, that's a hard one because I've never read the book, so I don't really know how that would change.
The Odyssey, one of the greatest stories in all of literature, probably the Earth story in some ways of all the literature.
The Greek hero Odysseus journeys home after the Trojan War, facing monsters, gods, and temptations.
For 10 years, he struggles against divine wrath and mortal peril.
Meanwhile, his wife Penelope fends off suitors with cunning and resilience.
Odysseus returns to Ithaca, reclaims his home, and reunites his family.
If I were in The Odyssey, it would be exactly the same story, except it would be like three years.
I mean, ten years is a long way to be away from your wife.
You know, I miss my wife.
I love my wife.
I would want to come home three years, and I'm not sure my wife would wait that long.
I would think, like, you know, she's sort of knit the fabric, you know, that keeps the suitors away.
She can't marry anybody because she's knitting the fabric, and every night she undoes the threads of the fabric.
So the suitors, the suitors are idiots.
They never fall for this trick.
I'd give her maybe three years.
So I'd want to get home.
I'd still kill the Cyclops, you know, fall in love with the witch, all that stuff.
Be in the storms and all this.
But three years.
I think three years is plenty.
Maybe two and a half.
All right.
Game of Thrones follows.
Noble families vying for control of the Iron Throne in the brutal land of Westeros as political schemes, betrayals, and wars erupt, ancient threats return from the north.
Dragons rise, alliances shift, and powers come at a deadly cost in this epic tale of ambition and survival.
Who would I be in that?
I guess I'd be Jon Snow, right?
I'd be Jon Snow.
I would have a hard time falling in love with that girl.
What was her name?
Daenerys, right?
Something Daenerys.
I would have a hard time falling in love with a girl who can control dragons.
I'm like nice women, you know, who want to make a home and raise children and all this.
A woman who flies around leveling cities with a fire-breathing dragon.
Just not my style.
Nothing against it.
Everybody can choose their own life.
But if you're the kind of girl who flies dragons and destroys cities, I'm not going to take you out.
I'm just not.
I don't do this anymore because now I'm married.
But when I used to ask her, the first thing I would say, do you fly a dragon?
Do you breathe fire and destroy cities?
And if she said yes, I would say, you know what?
You're lovely.
You know, really, I don't want to insult you.
But I think I'm going to move on to somebody who does things like knit, you know, cook would be good.
Cooking is really important.
So that would change that story a lot, right?
It would be called Game of Chairs.
Maybe musical chairs.
So it would be a different story altogether.
All right, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
That's hard for you.
I must be the Mad Hatter.
In Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, a curious girl named Alice falls down a rabbit hole into a whimsical, nonsensical world.
She meets strange creatures like the Sheshakat, Mad Hatter, and Queen of Hearts.
As she navigates bizarre adventures, Alice questions logic and identity before finally waking from her surreal dream.
You know, if I were the Mad Hatter, I would be the Mad Hatter.
I would be exactly the same.
If I were the Mad Hatter, that would be like, oh yeah, that's the Mad Hatter, right?
Because I'm already a little bit mad, and usually when I'm not on camera, I wear a hat.
So that would be it.
But some of these are actually better than the original, right?
I mean, I think you would like a story with me in it.