Alessandra Conti, a matchmaker, reveals modern dating’s core dysfunctions: men prioritize short-term attraction over long-term commitment, while women often misread enthusiasm for narcissism and fail to align on marriage, children, or faith. She urges women to grant second dates if these three pillars exist unless repulsion is overwhelming, and insists on thorough background checks—even for casual matches—citing $99 services like binverified.com. Online dating’s dominance has bred "app fatigue," so Conti advises weekly social events instead. Men should embrace a "gentleman’s code" (planning dates, punctuality, warmth), while women must ditch "work mode" for playful "vacation mode" dating. Premarital sex risks oxytocin-driven heartbreak; she champions boundaries like celibacy until monogamy, citing Bumble’s past 4B campaign, and frames rejection as divine protection to filter incompatible partners. [Automatically generated summary]
Hey, everyone, it's Andrew Clavin with this week's interview with Alessandra Conti.
Alessandra is a matchmaker, and we've been getting so many letters, countless letters from people who are having trouble finding their mate, who are having trouble dating, who find dating just to be a nightmare.
Alessandra is the founding partner of Matchmakers in the City, an old school personal matchmaking firm based in Beverly Hills.
She is the celebrity matchmaker for shows like Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Access Hollywood, Face the Truth, and was a matchmaker behind two seasons of MTV's Are You the One?
She's been featured in Forbes, Fox News, New York Times, but who cares?
Now she's on the Daily Wire, so she's really made it.
And Alessandra, you are the person we have been waiting for.
We have been having this conversation.
And I just, I've been married for 100 years, so I really am not in the game.
And I wanted to bring on somebody who could talk about this because people, I mean, look, the people who are listening to the show are not celebrities.
You know, some of them are professionals, some of them aren't.
But people, young people especially, are having a hard time finding one another.
And I want to know, I mean, you're a matchmaker.
That's a really, that's really interesting.
You're not a, you're not running a dating service.
You actually do matchmaking.
So what do you, what do you know?
What is happening that is making this so hard?
Absolutely.
I mean, I think that I, I feel like it should be my bumper sticker at this point, but I always say men who are great at dating are typically not great at relationships.
So that's interesting.
All right.
Yes, yes.
And I say this over and over.
I tell all of the clients that we're working with that ladies, you need to give the good guys a chance because they're self-sabotaging immediately when they meet a nice guy who's maybe not great at the first early stages of courtship or presentation on a dating app.
So they're then self-sabotaging and selecting these, you know, very well polished and very charismatic men who are then not great at relationships and are not really looking for something, something serious.
So I think, I mean, obviously there's so many different issues, but I think to broadly, we can begin there.
Yeah, let's start with that for just a minute, just so I understand it.
That a guy, I can understand why a good guy might be bad at dating.
I mean, you're nervous, you're shy, whatever, you don't know what to say.
But why are the guys, is it necessarily true that if a guy comes in and he's a great first date, that should be a red flag?
Should you really look at that as a red flag?
I mean, I don't necessarily think it's a waving red flag, but I think it's more giving the men that are just not good.
So I hear so many times in date feedback meetings with the clients that we're working with.
So we have a team of seven matchmakers at our firm.
So we're constantly doing pre-date coaching and post-date coaching.
So everybody's getting pre-date coaching and then they're getting these post-date coaching sessions, which is where we really get the juice.
And I've been doing this for 12 years.
So I have heard thousands and thousands of post-date coaching sessions and date feedback.
And what we're hearing from the women is that we're hearing words like, he seemed like a narcissist because all he did was talk about himself.
And we're hearing these really judgmental calls that are just not the right calls, where it could just be that, hey, the guy was super nervous.
He thought you were a beautiful woman.
So of course he's going to want to talk about all of his accolades and he's really excited.
And he then didn't ask a question until midday through the date, midway through the date.
So, so yeah, yeah, it's not.
Yeah.
And I mean, the thing is, if, of course, so the big, the big things that men and women should be looking for when they're dating, and especially if they're using dating apps and meeting men in real life, the three big keys, do they want to get married?
Do they want to have children?
And is religion compatible?
And if those elements are not aligned, it doesn't matter.
It's not going to work.
You know, you would say, you would say, of course, you know, of course, these are givens, but we just see so many people that are trying to make somebody into, you know, the partner that they want them to be.
So yes, all that to say, if they want marriage, want, want, want kids and religious compatibility, unless a woman is repulsed by a man, we tell these women, give him a second date.
Give him a second date, especially, of course, he's been, you know, we do background checks, social media checks and sex offender searches, you know, as one should.
As one should do.
Should anybody do that?
Should anybody do that?
I mean, you're obviously working a very high-end business, but can an ordinary person do that too?
If you are using the dating apps and you are not background checking the men and women that you're meeting, I bless, bless you.
You need to be background checking.
There's an amazing website, binverified.com.
It's, I don't know, like $60.
I don't even know.
I really don't know.
I think it's either $60 a month or $60 for the year.
You put that person's cell phone number in there and you'll get the basics, right?
I mean, if they've had something expunged from their record and they're using some weird name, it's not going to pop up.
But in this modern world, you need to be incredibly careful about who you're meeting if you're using online dating.
However, meeting people in person is also, I mean, what an amazing, what an amazing way, right?
And it's, it's, I, I mean, I know that there was a graph recently that went viral.
And it was this graph about how things have changed so, so incredibly in the last even 10 years.
And it was like, you know, they people used to meet through, you know, through friends of friends, through family, through church, through temple, through whatever.
And those graphs were really big.
And then you see online dating was really, really small.
And then it was, then it grows and grows and grows and grows and grows.
So now online dating is just, it's huge.
It's huge.
So I, okay, now I have a bunch of questions just off what you said.
First, let's, let's go back to this, to the pre, you said you had a pre-date coaching.
So one of the things I hear from a lot of women, I hear this a lot, is guys don't know what to do.
They don't take charge.
They don't pick the place.
They don't make conversation.
I come in and you are, you have matched me up with somebody and you're, I'm ready to go out on a date.
What are you telling me to do?
Absolutely.
So yes, yes.
Well, for our clients, it is a little different because we have like a cost year's date planner that does everything for them.
For, so I'll kind of put that a little bit aside.
Yeah.
But if you were a man that was coming and being like, listen, I'm, you know, meeting this, I'm meeting this really great girl.
I have this, this, there's a date.
There's a date on the calendar.
However, what do I do now?
It's all of the things that you just mentioned.
If a man says, great, you know, I love to, I would love to bring you to dinner.
It will be at 7 p.m.
And if the guy is like, oh, I don't know what kind of, you know, I don't know what kind of food she likes, give her an option.
The worst thing a guy can do is say, I don't know, where do you want to go?
And Andrew, this happens so frequently.
These guys, and they're well-meaning.
They're well-meaning.
They don't mean any harm.
They don't mean any harm.
They just, they want the woman to be happy.
So they say, oh, you know, no, this will make her feel good because she's making the selection.
It's her choice, you know, all about choice lately.
So they say, oh, you know, whatever she wants to do.
No, Tell her, hey, you know, I picked, I picked this Italian place.
You know, you can't go wrong with Italian, you know, or I picked whatever it is.
I picked this amazing Mexican place.
It has the best, you know, it has best guacamole that I've tasted in the city.
7 p.m.
I know it's our first time meeting.
Would you, you know, I want to be a gentleman and offer to pick you up.
However, I totally get it if you just want to meet me there.
And some guys that go, I mean, you know, we're in LA, so the guys really feel like they have to, they have to raise the bar with these women.
They say, hey, do you want me to send you an Uber?
And that, I mean, when that happens, the ladies go wild.
They love this.
Men love it.
If you're like, oh, you know, let me send you an Uber if you would like.
And it's what, $20?
But you then set yourself so much apart.
Because again, I mean, you know, a lot of these, a lot of the issues with the dating apps.
I'm sorry, I'm monologuing, Andrew.
I mean, I would say that.
No, no, no.
I'm really interested because, but then, okay, so then the guy shows up.
That's really good advice for setting the date up.
Now the guy shows up and girls keep telling me that the guys don't know how to talk.
They don't know how to make conversation.
They look at their phones, which seems to be an obvious, stupid thing to do.
But like, do you coach them on that?
Do you coach people on that?
Again, you're dealing with a high-end people, but if you weren't, what would you say?
Yeah.
And we work with normal professionals as well.
I mean, date coaching is not, it's not expensive.
I mean, well, you know, objective, it's kind of, I guess, subjective, but it's anyone can use a date coach.
And I really encourage young men that if a man is really struggling with this, hire somebody.
I mean, if it's not us, you know, just look up, you know, dating coaches near me and make sure obviously that your values align and you're not going to go with, you know, a coach that is just completely going to coach you in a strange way that's maybe not as traditional.
So you do have to be careful about what, you know, what avenue you're going down.
But yeah, I mean, I think for men, an easy rule of thumb is to think about, think of the gentleman's code, right?
So just think of it as, I am the leader of this date.
I am the leader of the date.
And we always tell women three words, let him lead.
Let him lead.
Let him lead.
Just allow it because a lot of men will lead, but they need the space and they need that beat because women are just so quick to, you know, they'll open the door for themselves.
They'll be like, oh, well, you know, look at the menu and say, oh, well, I want, you know, take a second, let the man lead.
And men know, I mean, if men, if men have been in society for, you know, for a couple years, if they've seen a romantic comedy, they know the basics of, and, you know, even if you haven't studied the gentleman's code or all of this.
But as the man, though, think of yourself, I am leading this date.
Like I am in control of this date.
What are my goals?
I want to set my goals.
I want the woman to feel really safe.
I want her to feel, you know, safe in the date.
I want her to feel like great, you know, get there early.
Men, get to the date early, especially on a first date.
You want to be ready.
You want to kind of claim the area, know what you're working with, familiarize yourself with the surroundings.
And we even tell some of the men that have a little more social anxiety, go beforehand.
Just be familiar with the setting, because then that will also really alleviate a lot of nerves.
And then when they're on the date, make sure you're anticipating needs.
So it's anticipating the woman's needs.
A lot of women are like, oh my gosh, yeah, he like we didn't order.
He was talking for, you know, 45 minutes and didn't even ask me if I was thirsty.
And they're like, just give the guy up.
Give him a bone.
So then we say, it's okay.
Let him leave.
Take a pause.
Let him lead.
But men, this is good.
Now that you're listening, now you know.
Now you know, because you listened to the Andrew Clayton show.
And you've worked.
There you go.
And what about what about conversation?
Are there rules for conversation or you just go where you want to go?
You know, there are general guidelines.
And I heard this horrific advice.
I was at a matchmaking conference.
Yes, they exist.
They are in Cantune.
We do have them.
There's a lot of play, also a lot of work as well.
But I heard this just horrific advice to, you know, and I really love this matchmaker.
So I won't throw anyone under the bus, but they were like, ask, you know, you want to get into a deep, you know, connective soul conversation and you want to ask them, hey, you know, I heard you talking about your ex.
Are you over them?
And no, do not talk about relationships on a date.
Save X talk for another day.
This is not a therapy session.
The goal of the date is to enjoy yourself, have a few topics, and especially for the men, maybe men who are, it takes them a beat, right?
It takes them a beat to get comfortable.
So have a few topics in your mind of things that you actually enjoy talking about.
Because if you, if you are faking, you know, if you're like, oh, I'm trying to relate to her.
Oh, let's talk about Spice Girls and you don't know anything about the Spice Girls or, oh, let me talk about Taylor Swift.
Oh my gosh, just don't save it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Have topics that you are actually passionate about.
Topics That Passionate You00:02:48
It could be travel, you know, it could be travel.
So have that in your back pocket if you sense that there's more than like a pregnant pause.
But for the men, a great rule of thumb, when they first get into the date, make sure that, you know, if you're, if you guys are texting, say, oh, hey, like, did you find the place?
Okay.
Awesome.
I'm already at the table.
Let me know when you're here.
You can go up to the front and then bring her to the table.
So she's not led.
These little micro, micro healthy, masculine moves are beautiful.
And they, they, they, they build up, they build up.
And then the woman is like, oh my gosh, oh, he came to the, he came to the door.
How sweet.
And then, oh, he opened, he did the chair and then the shush, shush, you know, he did that.
He opened the chair.
How sweet of him.
And now I'm seated and you can say, Hey, take a look at the menu.
I think, you know, I've been here before.
You know, I think we should definitely get the guac.
You know, I don't know what it is today.
I'm all about the guac, but you know, like, get the guac and say, oh, you know what?
And also, this drink is amazing.
I think I'm going to order, I'm going to order an old-fashioned whatever you want, whatever you want.
And then say, so tell me, tell me about yourself.
You know, tell me, tell me a little bit about yourself, you know?
And then Shoal, women love talking.
Look at this interview.
We love it.
We love it.
Yes.
I noticed that.
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I'm really, I'm fascinated by this because I just, I don't know.
It seems like it must have been easier in my day a little bit.
Why Dates Have Changed00:13:43
I mean, we guys got nervous on dates, but still, it didn't seem as people seemed like absolutely stymied.
Go back to the religion thing.
How close does your religions have to be?
Same sex?
Or, you know, you have to be, if you're a Catholic, can you go out with a Protestant?
What's the, what's, how close do you need to be here?
Yeah.
I mean, I have a very, I have a little bit of a differing opinion, I think, than a lot of, you know, Catholics that are like, you should only be dating Catholics.
I'm Catholic.
But I'm, I'm a big believer that Christians are incredible.
And if you are, if you're only dating in such a specific pool, it's already a very small pool if you kind of cut out all of the other things.
So we say umbrella.
You want to date under the same umbrella, right?
So umbrella.
If it's, if it's Jewish, awesome.
Great umbrella.
Date in that umbrella if it means anything to you, right?
If, however, you're Jewish, you're Jewish, you're open, you know, you can raise the kids however you want.
Amazing.
Judeo-Christian, fabulous.
Very, you know, very similar.
One major difference.
But it's big umbrella is fine.
So Christian, same.
If somebody's going, if somebody's Catholic going to daily mass or like a rad trad, you know, you're not going to want to then.
Got it.
Okay.
Okay.
So it's within, but if somebody is like, yeah, I'm, I'm Catholic.
I, I, yeah, my partner could come with me.
I can come with them, go with them.
Right.
Umbrella.
Don't.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
So yeah.
Now, I know that you do the matchmaking, but still, the other thing that I'm constantly asked and have no idea is where should people try to meet one another?
I mean, you know, we're talking about marriage.
We're not talking about people dating for just a date.
We're talking about people who really want to find a spouse.
Is there a way to live that makes this easier?
Is there something people are doing wrong when they, if you're, if you're sitting there asking yourself, I don't know where to meet somebody, are you doing something wrong or is that just part of life?
No, yes, you're doing something wrong.
And I don't mean to, you know, offend.
No, no, but the viewers, yeah, I mean, people are so reliant on their phones.
And they're also, they put, it's like, if dating is like, is like stocks.
You don't want to invest all in one stock.
So say you have an online dating profile.
Say you're on one of them and you don't want to put all of your investment in that one and only use that way to date.
And a lot of men and women do.
So then they're not going to different events that are in line with their values, in line with their interests, in line with their hobbies.
And I mean, it's so society has become a lot more insular.
You know, post-college, you really have to get yourself out of the isolation because it's so easy to just, you know, after work, you're exhausted.
You just want to go home, watch Netflix, scroll on your phone.
It makes sense.
But we encourage men and women to have some kind of non-work related event that is in their calendar every week.
So every Monday.
And we actually learned this when we started our company 12 years ago because the dating apps were not, I mean, they were there, but they, I mean, they weren't what they are now, which actually has helped a lot of matchmaking companies.
The dating apps have dating app fatigue, all of this.
But we, that's how we built our database in Los Angeles.
We had, it wasn't one event a week.
It was one event a night.
So we were just myself and my sister.
We started our firm.
She's a big fan.
We have a family of fans here.
But we would go to different events that were happening all through LA.
And then as we got more clients, we got, I remember we got a Greek Orthodox client.
So we said, okay, let's look up Greek Orthodox events near us, you know, and we were there.
You know, I've been to YJP events, young Jewish professionals events.
They have an incredible white party, right, in Beverly Hills, all single men and women.
And so in any, in any subset, any interest, any hobby that you have, now that we are actually allowed to leave our homes, now that COVID is now over, you need to put it in your calendar and you need to make it treat it like a job and treat it like this is an essential thing.
This is, you know, it is.
It's essential.
You have to meet people in person.
It will help just communication-wise.
It will help you socialize.
You'll be less awkward on dates because it won't be the first human specimen that you've spoken to in the last, you know, seven months.
No, that's, that's really smart.
So you, you've talked about what women want to see in men.
When men come back and report, because we do after date reports, I assume, what do they hate?
What do men hate?
What do they like?
Oh, men bless.
They're such simple creatures, Alessandra.
You should know this.
Simple.
Simple creatures.
So the feedback that we get so frequently is they want this one quality.
And this quality, I like to dumb it down into one word, warmth.
They want warmth.
And that it's a less politicized version of femininity.
Femininity, yeah.
They're looking for that.
And they're looking for, you know, a lot of times, you know, with the culture, with what's going on and with women in fabulous, high-powered careers, wonderful.
They do not switch that work switch off.
It is on.
It is on when they're going on their dates.
They're in interview mode.
So they are interviewing this guy and it could be the most physically beautiful woman.
This happens all the time.
You know, we're in LA.
Most, it's kind of hard to find a non, you know, all women are beautiful, but we get a specific, a specific type.
And I learned just over all these years that it's not about that.
It's about the men want to feel feel like they're with a woman.
They want to feel like they're seen, like they're heard, like they're being listened to, like they're affirmed, like they want to be, you know, they want to have gratitude.
You know, there are a lot of women when they're, when, when the guy goes to pay for the date, which, you know, I am a big believer, the men should always pay.
And again, and you're going to get so many comments.
Men should pay.
I agree.
I agree with you.
Yeah.
People are this topic.
I don't know why people are so obsessed with this, you know, debate surrounding.
It's very bizarre.
Anyway, but when the men pays, the woman, just express gratitude and say, thank you so much.
Like, I, you know, I really appreciate that was, that was so kind.
So appreciation.
Ladies, just, we, we teach vacation mode dating.
So it's really encouraging women to, when they get out of work, if you have to put your out of office on, go for it.
Do everything in your power to get out of work mode and to get into vacation mode and feeling peaceful, feeling playful.
And, you know, these are feelings that are elicited whilst one is on a vacation.
So we encourage vacation mode dating.
Also, there are a lot of studies that show that women meet men on vacations.
Like it's, you know, book studies, you know, there's so many studies.
You can really back up basically anything by saying that.
Yes, well, that is, that's unfortunate.
And, you know, people are in the, people are in this experience and they need information.
I have to ask, we're down to our last five minutes here.
So I have to ask about sex.
I want to know if, how can I put this?
You know, What do men want to see in a woman when it comes to sex?
Do they want to test drive a woman before they marry her?
So, so to speak, do women want that too?
Or do are there two completely different angles here?
Like, in other words, do you think it's necessary for people to sleep together before they get married?
Do you think it's important or do you think it's bad?
Yeah, well, I mean, I think that the way that culture has gone is the pendulum has swung so far into it's so normalized.
And it's almost weird if kind of in a secular, normal society, in the secular society, if you're not sleeping with a guy after the third date, it's like, oh, that's, but, but women are now wisening up to the fact that that is not yielding success.
It's just not.
And we noticed this, we noticed this, you know, years.
I mean, it's been 12 years.
So like very early on, we would have these women explaining, you know, they're 37, 38.
They're explaining their relationships and they're saying, you know, I, you know, I would, I, this is, I'll, I'll go out with a guy.
We'll have an incredible couple dates.
We'll sleep together.
And then all of a sudden, either he ghosts her, he loses interest, whatever it might be.
So for women, it's really important to understand that men fall in love biologically in the absence of having sex.
And this is actually legit studies have been done that prove this because they have to hit a certain peak of, it has to be like the levels of hormones have to be just right.
They have to release spike of vasopressin, which is only happening in the absence of having sex.
So I am, and we, we teach at our firm, they sign a little thing that says, you know, no sex until a monogamous relationship at the minimum.
As a Christian woman, I would encourage, you know, Christian men and women to look at what their, you know, what, what is your path if it's waiting for marriage?
Amazing.
I love that.
That's so beautiful.
But I find that men are actually okay with that boundary.
I just do.
When the women that we're working with, when we say, just tell the guy, listen, I think you're so attractive and I'm so excited to like explore this sexual element of our relationship.
However, I don't sleep with a man until I'm whatever it is for the woman.
But I think women are wisening up.
And I think you see, you know, Bumblehead put out this ad campaign.
This was a couple months ago, but it was saying, oh, you know, celibacy, you don't have to be celibate.
And then women were like, wait, we kind of want to be celibate.
And these are very, very left women.
This is not the right wing women.
This is like, they're like, no, we want to be.
And now with the whole, you know, 4B movement and all of that, just be 1B, 1B.
Just don't have sex.
1B.
Do a 1B movement.
I don't think that's bad.
That's easier to keep track of at least.
Yeah.
All these other 4Bs.
Just say no, 1B, no B, no.
And truly, women, if they can just try it, I've been a matchmaker for 12 years.
I have seen this work.
Just say, hey, I think you're amazing.
I want to get to know you.
I could see this.
This is great.
You're something else.
Would you, you know, are you okay with waiting?
And the guy will be like, either yes or no.
And then if he says no, then a man's rejection is God's protection.
Bye.
Like, thank you.
And then the women are not traumatized.
They're not bonded with all this oxytocin and then they have a breakup and it's devastating.
And they're, you know, so it's just, it's self-preservation, ladies.
You've got this.
Yep.
It looks nightmarish to me the way the way it has gone.
Alessandra Conte, a matchmaker and founding partner of Matchmakers in the City.
It's really delightful talking to you.
I appreciate your coming on.
And I really want to think about this because you've actually answered, you've done something strange, which is you've actually answered a lot of my questions about this.
And I hope I'll be a little bit smarter in the future when people are writing me letters.
Thank you very much, Alessandra.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you, Andrew.
Thank you.
All right, folks, I've solved all your problems.
Go get married.
Go on a date, get married.
Now you know I can't help you anymore.
So I expect a lot of children named after me after that interview.
Alessandra Conte, and come back on Friday, and there will be the Andrew Clavin show.