Andrew Klavan and Babylon Bee’s Kyle Mann dissect leftist hypocrisy, from mocking Marxist critiques of capitalism (e.g., "Netflix obesity" vs. Venezuela’s "cat-eating") to exposing Obama’s Iran nuclear deal lies—backed by Netanyahu’s stolen archives—and media complicity in whitewashing his legacy. Mann’s satirical book How to Be a Perfect Christian parodies evangelical culture, advising churches with Disneyland amenities and "trigger word" avoidance (e.g., "hell," "cross"), while Klavan ties leftism to racial grievance and media bias, framing both as tools of systemic deception. The episode ends by weaponizing satire against political and religious dogma alike. [Automatically generated summary]
The New York Times, a former newspaper, ran a story this week celebrating the birthday of Karl Marx.
The story was entitled, Happy Birthday, Karl Marx.
You were right.
The writer, a South Korean philosophy professor, claims that Marx was correct in his assessment that capitalism depends on the ruling class's exploitation of the worker.
That's why when you look at a country like America, which has five times as many billionaires as the Middle East and Africa combined, you see so many exploited workers dealing with such terrible problems as obesity and which movie to watch on Netflix or possibly cable.
Whereas when you look at Marxist countries like Venezuela, you don't have workers suffering from obesity because eating cats really keeps you slim.
Plus, you get a lot of exercise just chasing the little devils around.
Marx was also correct in saying that if the state owns the means of production, it makes it easier to slaughter the people who disagree with you en masse.
Although Marx never actually said that, it was just implied in the philosophy.
Finally, Marx was absolutely right when he said that the bourgeoisie of capitalism would create their own gravediggers, if by gravediggers, he meant idiot intellectuals and the people who published them at the New York Times, a former newspaper.
So happy birthday, Karl Marx.
Trigger warning, I'm Andrew Clavin, and this is the Andrew Clavin Show.
I'm a hunky-dunky.
Life is to get.
Birds are winging, also singing hunky-dunky-dee-dee.
Shipshape, dipsy-topsy, the world is a bitty-zing.
It's a wonderful day.
Hoorah, hooray!
It makes me want to sing.
Oh, hurrah, hooray.
Oh, hooray, hurrah.
All right, this is an important day because, actually, it's an important day because I'm going to remind you that tomorrow is an important day because it's the last mailbag before the Clavinless week begins because I'm on vacation next week.
Scentbird and Perfume Choices00:03:27
So if you want your problem solved, your questions answered, you got to get in this week's mailbag.
The way you do it, you go to thedailywire.com, you got to be a subscriber, so send us your lousy 10 bucks.
You weren't doing anything else with it anyway.
Go on the podcast, press the podcast button at the top of the page, go on my podcast, and press the mailbag and put in any question you want about anything you want.
All answers are guaranteed 100% correct and will change your life now and then for the better.
So unless you want to go on living the way you're living for another week, and that would be absurd, send in some questions to the mailbag.
We have Kyle Mann today from the Babylon Bee, one of my favorite sites.
And I should remind you that the Daily Wire is now on Apple News.
So add us to your news channel and you can get our latest stories to go, which will probably include the new Ben Shapiro show, won't it?
Ben Shapiro, this Sunday, May 6th, he's got a new show called the Ben Shapiro Show Sunday Special, in which Ben hosts weekly in-depth conversations with the nation's best and brightest on politics, news, culture, and everything in between.
I think this week he has Kanye West.
No, I'm making that up.
The best part is for current Ben Shapiro show subscribers because you won't even need to hit a separate button to listen.
These episodes will just show up in your feed.
This Sunday's premiere episode will feature Jordan Peterson singing the songs of Kanye West.
I think that's how we're doing.
All right.
And, you know, you ever go into the department store and some attractive woman comes up to you and says, hello, sir, and then sprays you with a scent.
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It's not scentbird like you get a bird for a scent.
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And it allows you to choose a new perfume or a new cologne every month.
So you get to test it out yourself.
I love this because, well, first of all, I love perfume on women.
I love women wearing perfume.
And my wife sent away, got all the things she loves.
And you can just try out different ones if you want.
And you don't have to commit to a full bottle because they send you a kind of smaller one that just lasts for the month.
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If your dad gave you a cologne when you graduated high school and you've still got it, it might be a good time to go to Scentbird because that will change all that for you.
Scentbird.com, if you go to scentbird.com slash clavin, you will get 50% off on your first month, right?
So you say to yourself, hmm, that smells great, but how do you spell Clavin?
It's K-L-A-V-A-N.
Use my.
No, there's no ease in Clavin.
I make it look like it's easy, but there is no ease when you are a Klavin.
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For 50% off, that's only $7.50 for your first month plus free shipping.
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Use my code Clavin for 50% off your first month and so they'll know I sent you.
This way you can date a cologne before you have to commit to it forever or perfume.
They also have perfumes, which I, like I said, I just love perfume.
I just, I like anything women do, basically, as long as they're not screaming at me when they make themselves look nice.
I love all that stuff.
All right.
ZipRecruiter's Racist Cycle00:07:39
Leftism is racism.
I mean, leftism is racism.
And this is an important point because they're always picking out one guy and twisting one guy, Trump, or any Republican that they can get their hands on and twisting his words, making it sound like he's racist in some way.
And of course, there are racists on both sides, but there's a difference between a philosophy being racist and a person being racist, right?
There's always going to be people who are racist in every group.
There's always going to be people who do bad things under the aegis of a good philosophy.
You'll have people who, in the name of loving your neighbor, will go out and do something really terrible for Christianity.
But if the philosophy itself is bad, then everybody gets corrupted, and that is what leftism has done.
The problem with leftism is it is an exploded, failed philosophy, whereas capitalism, ugly as it is, capitalism has elevated more people to more wealth than any other philosophy.
Freedom is good for people.
Freedom makes people happy.
The problem that the elites have with these philosophies is they elevate people that they don't like.
You know, capitalists, go-getters, workers, all these people get elevated and get power instead of the elites.
So the only thing you can do with such a successful philosophy as free market capitalism and freedom is divide people.
And the way you divide people is you find historical crimes and you say, oh, we're going to fix those historical crimes by turning everything around.
Oh, you were racist against black people.
Well, now we're going to be racist against white people.
Oh, men were nasty to women.
Well, now women are going to be nasty.
You know, hooray, hooray.
Now we have a lot of nasty women and racist black people.
And it's great.
But the problem is this costs all of us.
It's not just evil.
It is evil in itself, of course, because when you adopt the evil standards, what happens is they think, well, those white guys are powerful and they're racist, so now we'll be racist and we'll be powerful.
But of course, you just turn into racist.
You just degrade yourself.
You degrade everybody with it.
But the problem is, if you look at the world through the lens of race, which now is all leftism does, everything is about race.
Everything looks, they look at everything through the lens and through the filter of race.
Everything gets distorted because racism is stupid.
Racism is evil.
It's bad stuff.
And one of the things we are dealing with is we're dealing with the failure of our first black president.
We had a first black president.
Good for us.
Good for the fact that people would elect it.
I always knew they would.
I think they would elect a Jewish president.
I think that Americans really just want people who do the job.
That's all they care about.
But when it happened, I thought, well, good, at least we've got that out of the way.
Unfortunately, it made people go, it made the left go crazy because they are racist because they look at the world through the filter of race.
And when Obama came to office, and not only was he black, but he was the black version of their stupid, ignorant philosophy, their philosophy of hating America, their philosophy of thinking America and capitalism were bad things.
You can have too much money.
You can have too much power.
You've got to share the power.
It's not right for one country to be lording it over everybody else.
Now, their stupid philosophy was dressed up as a black guy.
And they thought, great, you know, this is.
And just to go back for a minute, just to remind you of the kind of fog of bliss.
You know, people, CNN and the rest of these bad reporters think we're attacking them because we were standing behind Donald Trump and Donald Trump is attacking them because they don't like him.
But we're attacking them for what they did under Obama, because they abandoned their posts under Obama because they were just so dreamy about it.
I know that it's not fair to pick on Chris Matthews.
He's a leftist.
He's an open leftist.
But I think he did represent how the press felt when Obama was elected.
Just to remind you, this is cut 14.
Here he's mourning Joe.
Even Joe Scarborough is shocked by the dreamy fog of euphoria and bliss that Chris Matthews is in.
I want to do everything I can to make this thing work, this new presidency work.
And I think that the success of the fact that Obama just talked about it.
Yeah, that is my job.
You said my job is to make this presidency work.
To make this work successfully, because this country needs a successful presidency.
And here's Jeff Zelaney, who we were laughing at yesterday because he was laughing at Michelle Wolfe while she was making jokes, those ugly, disgusting jokes that she was making.
And then he went on TV and said, oh, she went way over the line, way over the line.
But here he is as the New York Times White House correspondent asking the tough questions of the new President Obama.
During these first 100 days, what has surprised you the most about this office, enchanted you the most about serving in this office, humbled you the most, and troubled you the most?
Let me write this down.
Surprised.
Troubled.
I've got, what was the first one?
Surprised.
Surprised.
Troubled.
Troubled.
Enchanted.
Enchanted.
And humbled.
And what was the last one?
Humbled.
Humbled.
Thank you, sir.
It's hard to know how he stood up under those questions.
And that meant that Obama, as Obama began to realize that the press wouldn't touch him on anything, he began to abuse his power, giving the dreamers, you know, basically letting them stay, even though he'd said like 20 times that that was unconstitutional.
And his work overseas, which is now a problem for all of us, has to be judged in the light of the fact that the press wants to maintain.
The press is now in that position that people who do wrong get into.
If you've done something wrong, whether it's have an abortion or be unkind to a friend, you then have to say to yourself, okay, I did something wrong and now I'm going to change.
Now I'm going to be a different guy and I'm sorry and I feel bad, but now I'm going to move on.
Or you just keep rationalizing it and you keep going down that road.
And that essentially is what the press is doing.
They are rationalizing their mistake in elevating Obama to, as Barbara Walters said, well, play what Barbara Walters said.
We thought that he was going to be, I shouldn't say this at Christmas time, but the next messiah.
And the whole Obamacare, or whatever you want to call that, Affordable Health Act, it just hasn't worked for him.
And he's stumbled around on that.
And people feel very disappointed because they expected more.
It's very difficult when the expectations for you are very high.
You're almost better off when they're low and then they rise and rise.
His were very high and they've dropped.
So now they have to protect, because they believe he was the second coming of the Messiah, as she says, they have to protect that vision.
They have to protect the fact that they abandoned their posts, they abandoned their duties, they abandoned their honor, they abandoned journalism for eight long years while Obama failed and led this country down a garden path, or they've got to defend his legacy no matter what.
And that's what we're dealing with with this Iran deal.
Now, I know what you're saying.
You're saying, why didn't we just hire a president with ziprecruiter.com?
Listen, we could have hired a president with a dartboard, but we want to hire with ziprecruiter.com.
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Lies and Nuclear Deception00:15:08
I mean, look at us.
This is embarrassing.
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Right now, my listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free.
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Don't be like the Daily Wire.
ZipRecruiter is the smartest way to hire.
Yesterday, I mean, Obama's foreign policy, which was based on the idea that America shouldn't be a leader, that we should get out of the Middle East, that the Middle East really was an anti-Israeli policy as well, was a total, total disaster.
He mishandled Iraq when he pulled out of Iraq too soon, let ISIS spread, didn't do anything about ISIS, didn't do anything about the Syrian civil war, and then said in Syria, oh, it's okay because the Russians are taking care of it and the Russians have negotiated to get rid of all the chemical weapons.
Not so much.
The chemical weapons are still there.
Remember, that was the red line.
Then he made this deal with Iran.
And this thing, I mean, the Israelis have been complaining about this forever.
But I want you to remember the Iran deal, Bibi Netanyahu, Benjamin Netanyahu, came out yesterday with his big production number because Trump has set May 12th as the deadline on whether he's going to pull out of the Iran deal, which he has criticized and a lot.
And the Europeans are trying to get him to stay.
And Netanyahu has hated this thing from the beginning.
And Netanyahu comes out and he gives this incredible presentation.
Now, before I just show you some of this, I want you to remember that the deal was based on the idea that they had not been developing nuclear weapons.
They were supposed to come clean about their program before the deal was in place.
It was a prerequisite for making the deal.
So all this talk that you're hearing is that Netanyahu's presentation didn't change anything is not true.
This was the assumption was, not the assumption, the requirement was, the prerequisite was that Iran was going to be honest.
So here is Netanyahu playing all the Iranians talking about the fact that they never had a nuclear program in the first place.
You may well know that Iran's leaders repeatedly deny ever pursuing nuclear weapons.
You can listen to Iran's Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenah.
I stress that the Islamic Republic has never been after nuclear weapons.
You can listen to Iran's president, Hassan Louhani.
Nuclear weapons and other weapons of mass destruction have no place in Iran's security and defense doctrine and contradict our fundamental religious and ethical convictions.
This is repeated by Iran's foreign minister, Javad Zarif.
We didn't have any program to develop nuclear weapons.
Anyway, we consider nuclear weapons both irrational as well as immoral.
Well, tonight I'm here to tell you one thing.
Iran lied.
So he has these guys who are still going on television, by the way, and now they're insulting Netanyahu.
They're saying, oh, he's, you know, he's just putting on this dog and pony show.
But here's how they got this dog and pony show.
Crazy Jews went these guys, these guys, these guys, Israel put the crazy into crazy Jews.
Crazy Jews went into Iran.
Somewhere they got a mole into Iran and stole their nuclear records.
They have this, here's Netanyahu showing you this little warehouse where they stored the nuclear weapons.
Now, from the outside, this was an innocent-looking compound.
It looks like a dilapidated warehouse.
But from the inside, it contained Iran's secret atomic archives locked in massive files.
Actually, they're a little bigger than this.
A few weeks ago, in a great intelligence achievement, Israel obtained half a ton of the material inside these vaults.
And here's what we got: 55,000 pages.
Another 55,000 files on 183 CDs.
Great stuff.
I mean, he's just doing this to poke the Iranians in the nose, man.
He's just saying to them, because meanwhile, Israel is like bombing Syria.
Nobody will admit that it's them, but they're obviously fighting all these guys.
And by the way, a lot of the other players in the Middle East, the Saudis, they don't want Iran taking over the place either.
So they're kind of standing back.
So they go in and they steal this stuff.
We don't know how they got it.
They obviously had a mole in the operation, an amazing intelligence achievement.
The U.S. has looked at all these records, says they're real.
And Netanyahu just comes up with these four conclusions, one of which is really important.
So listen to what he says.
First, Iran lied about never having a nuclear weapons program.
100,000 secret files prove that they lied.
Second, even after the deal, Iran continued to preserve and expand its nuclear weapons know-how for future use.
Why would a terrorist regime hide and meticulously catalog its secret nuclear files if not to use them at a later date?
Third, Iran lied again in 2015 when it didn't come clean to the IAA as required by the nuclear deal.
And finally, the Iran deal, the nuclear deal, is based on lies.
It's based on Iranian lies and Iranian deception.
100,000 files right here prove that they lied.
So the question that he asks, why would they keep all these records if they're not planning to continue to do this?
That's the big question, because what the people who defend this deal keep saying is, no, no, we've got inspections.
I mean, they can inspect the sites that they were using to build nuclear weapons at the time.
They don't let them inspect all their military sites.
And who knows where they've moved their operations?
You know, James Mattis, who I trust, I believe he's a good guy, you know, he came out and he said, oh yeah, we can inspect this stuff.
We can really look at it.
It's a very robust program.
But Netanyahu's right.
Why are they keeping these records?
Everything they did was based on a lie and not just their lies, Obama's lies as well.
That is the other thing.
And that's the thing that the press has to cover up because they don't want to admit that Obama sold them a bill of goods.
And they said that.
Ben Rhodes said, you know, these guys didn't know anything.
The press didn't know anything.
We sold them a bill of goods.
We created an echo chamber.
Now, I just want you to think for a minute about the things that they attack Trump for.
The two things they attack Trump for is being mean and being dishonest.
He lies.
The New York Times says this every day.
He lies.
They use that word lie.
They never use that about Obama.
They didn't use it about other presidents.
But with Trump, it's that he lies and that he's mean.
Now, listen, you know, Barack Obama had more elegance than Donald Trump.
There's no question about it.
But listen to the things he did to sell this deal.
He wanted this deal so badly.
And a lot of people think he wanted it just because he hated Israel so much.
The GOP, now remember, this thing has never been ratified.
This is not a treaty.
This has never been ratified by the Senate.
He didn't take it to the Senate because he knew it would lose.
The GOP sent a letter saying, you know, we don't like this deal.
Here is Obama.
Now, he doesn't talk like Donald Trump.
He doesn't have the gruff voice of Donald Trump.
But listen to what he says about the GOP.
I think it's somewhat ironic to see some members of Congress wanting to make common cause with the hardliners in Iran.
It's an unusual coalition.
I think what we're going to focus on right now is actually seeing whether we can get a deal or not.
And once we do, then we'll, if we do, then we'll be able to make the case to the American people.
And I'm confident we'll be able to implement it.
So they accused the Republicans of making common cause with the hardliners in Iran.
So in other words, the Republicans were terrorists.
Now, what would happen?
Just imagine if Donald Trump came out and said, the Democrats are terrorists.
The Democrats are just, you know, everybody would say how nasty that was, including me, including me.
But Barack Obama, you know, used a stiletto instead of a sledgehammer, and he slipped in the knife, and nobody says anything.
The press didn't go after him at all for this.
Then, then, when Jewish groups started opposing this, he went around making speeches, and he went on a John Stewart show, the Daily Show, and he said, well, we've got to do this instead, in spite of the lobbyists.
He said this when Chuck Schumer, who is Jewish, came out and opposed the deal.
He said, you know, the guy, we've got to go around the lobbyists.
Well, which lobbyists?
Who was he talking about?
He was talking about the Jews.
The Jewish lobby is one of the phrases that anti-Semites use to, whenever Israel stands up for its own or whenever Jews take on an issue that they think is important to them.
So suddenly the lobbyists were the bad.
That was the key phrase.
What the left calls a dog whistle.
He was anti-Semitic.
The stuff he said about the Republicans was absolutely absurd.
And then he lied.
Part of this deal was to release 14 people who were being held, 14 Iranians who were being held.
And he went on TV and he said, we're releasing 14 civilians.
He said, we are releasing 14 civilians.
And of these 14 civilians, one of them was a top Hezbollah operative who had not only been indicted in U.S. courts for planning to kill U.S. government employees, but whom agents believed reported to Putin as a key supplier of weapons to Syria and Iraq.
I'm reading this out of the Federalist.
Another was serving an eight-year sentence for conspiring to supply Iran with satellite technology and hardware.
Another was charged with illegally conspiring to procure thousands of parts with nuclear applications.
So these weren't civilians.
He lied about that.
And then did he lie about the money, right?
Because remember, the Iranians released some hostages, including the guy from the Washington Post, a reporter named Jason Razan.
And Obama said, and they delivered, remember those platters of money, and it was all just all kind of cash from different places.
And then Obama said this.
We do not pay ransom for hostages.
We've got a number of Americans being held all around the world.
And I meet with their families.
And it is heartbreaking.
And we have stood up an entire section of interagency experts who devote all their time to working with these families to get these Americans out.
But those families know that we have a policy that we don't pay ransom.
And the notion that we would somehow start now in this high-profile way and announce it to the world, even as we're looking into the faces of other hostage families whose loved ones are being held hostage and say to them that we don't pay ransom defies logic.
Their argument was that we owed the Iranians money because we had frozen some of their assets during the hostage crisis and The Hague had said you owe them this money and we just happened to pay it back at the same time as these people were released.
It just happened.
But they did say, they did say that the release of the people, the State Department said the release of the people was contingent on the delivery of this money.
That's a ransom.
That is a ransom.
When you pay money to somebody, when a release of hostages is contingent on a payment, that's a ransom.
So whatever, and Obama's emotionalist appeal there was just dishonest.
The whole thing was dishonest.
And we didn't get anything.
Iran was already a signatory of the non-proliferation agreement.
They weren't supposed to be doing what they were doing in the first place.
So we didn't get anything.
And what we did do is we took the sanctions off.
We'll never get those sanctions back on them again.
We'll never get the Europeans in line to put those sanctions back on them again.
And it was a disaster.
So you can say, well, don't pull out of the deal because it's going to be even worse.
But that's like saying, you know, you gave in to the mafia, but if you pull out of the mafia, the mafia is going to come and burn your restaurant.
You know, it's not really, doesn't make it a good deal.
And I just want to show you, I have to show you the press protecting Obama's legacy in this crappy deal that he sold us through lies.
He sold it through lies and Iran sold it through lies.
You've got to see this.
Chris Cuomo has Netanyahu.
Netanyahu now makes the rounds after his big dog and pony show.
He makes the rounds of the news shows.
Chris Cuomo goes for the moral equivalence of Iran having weapons, a secret nuclear plan, and Israel, a free country, whether they have weapons or not.
Listen to this interview.
An open question, and it has very lethal implications.
That's something that we'll have to see how it develops.
The idea of disclosure.
Iran won't tell the truth.
We had to go in there.
You know, is Israel's position and steal this information so we can know the truth.
Disclosure as an issue should work every way.
The United States should say what it has.
You know where I'm going with this.
A yes-no question for you.
Does Israel have nuclear capabilities and nuclear weapons?
Yes or no?
We've always said that we won't be the first to introduce it, so we haven't introduced it.
But that's not an answer to the question.
Do you have them or do you not?
It's as good an answer as you're going to get.
But I'll tell you one thing, Chris, and I think it's important.
You know, Iran signed the NPT.
Iran signed all sorts of commitments.
Iran said that they don't have this nuclear weapons program.
And Iran calls daily for the annihilation of my country.
Absolutely.
We don't do that.
We understand that there is an existential threat from Iran and others.
We understand that Iran is known for lying on this issue.
That's one of the big motivating factors for the deal in 2015, as it was explained to us.
But what I'm saying is if disclosure matters so much, what message does it send when you won't confirm something that is widely believed by the entire international community?
Why Are We Nice to North Korea?00:03:06
I can handle things.
I'm smart.
Not like everybody says.
Like, dumb, I'm smart and I want the stats.
Chris Guomo, I'm sorry, but you watch Guomo and it's like he's making a moral equivalence between Israel, our ally, a free state who threatens nobody, and Iran, who has continually called for Israel to be wiped off the map.
And there's somehow, somehow, because he calls for Iran to put forward their nuclear plans, Israel should put forward, you know, and Chuck Todd did exactly the same thing.
He was interviewing Senator, who did he have, Roy Blunt, I think it was.
And he says, he says, well, we can deal with North Korea.
Why are we being so nice to North Korea?
I mean, it's insane.
Listen to this.
You know, sometimes it's weird how we're treating Kim Jong-un versus how we treat the Iranians.
Kim Jong-un essentially murdered an American citizen in Ottawa.
It's very possible the way he was treated over there.
He was essentially murdered.
Plus, probably his own brother.
His uncle murdered other people.
He has starved his own people.
The Iranians don't starve their own people.
It is, you know, and yet we're sort of now feeling comfortable closing up with Kim Jong-un and demonizing the Iranians.
It just feels like we're sending some odd messages around the world.
Well, I don't know, Chuck.
I think you want to be sure you learn the lesson of North Korea, which is don't let countries that have bad inclinations all over the world wind up with nuclear weapons.
We're with Iran right now where we would have been with North Korea 15 years ago.
And it's foolish to let Iran become another North Korea.
And we're not dealing with Kim Jong-young because we think he's a good guy.
I can handle things.
I'm smart.
Not like everybody says.
Like, dumb, I'm smart and I want to step.
They're all Fredo.
They're our entire news, our entire journalistic, the entire American journalistic community.
They're all Fredo.
Fredo runs from one station to another, dressing up as different newsmen.
They are just protecting Obama's legacy.
Why?
Because leftism is racism, because they elevated Obama above what he was and above what he could do, above his record before he took office and his record after he took office.
And now they're trying to protect themselves from the absolutely true charge that they blew their profession for eight years and now have lost the respect of the people.
And, you know, this thing is a dangerous deal.
This thing with Iran is a dangerous deal.
And to protect it in order to protect the press's reputation is absurd.
All right.
We've got Kyle Mann of the Babylon Bee coming up, but you've got to come on over to thedailywire.com because we have to say goodbye to Facebook and YouTube.
Come to TheDailyWire.com, subscribe, ask your questions on the last mailbag before the Clavenless week begins.
Kyle Mann is the editor-in-chief of The Babylon Bee, one of my favorite sites.
It's got more than 300,000 Facebook fans and over 70,000 visitors to the website daily.
Perfect Christian Online Presence00:15:36
He is also the co-author of How to Be a Perfect Christian, Your Comprehensive Guide to Flawless Spiritual Living.
So if some of you out there feel that you are not yet perfect as Christians, this interview, this interview and this book will tell you how here it is.
So Kyle, thank you for coming on.
I appreciate it.
I think your book is destined to become a Christian classic, How to Be a Perfect Christian.
You know, some people say that perfection is beyond us because mankind is sinful and helpless without God.
I find that kind of a downer.
Am I wrong?
No, you're not wrong.
Those people are very wrong because you can achieve total perfection.
I mean, I literally wrote the book on it.
So, yeah, I don't know what those people are talking about, but if you try really hard and you conform to the standards of Christian culture and evangelicalism, you too can be perfect.
That's the message we want to get out with this book.
I think that that's a very important Christian message to send around.
I mean, when I look for a church, I want a church that centers this worship around me.
I mean, I think that like I want to be at the center of my Christian worship.
How do I go about finding that kind of church?
Well, you have to find a church, first of all, that looks like a shopping mall.
That's your first goal.
So if you drive around town, you look for a church that has tens of thousands of parking spaces.
It has to have a coffee shop, gift shop, bookstore, fitness center, football field, roller coasters, everything that you would want.
Basically, it should look like Disneyland.
A steeple is kind of a deal breaker, right?
Yeah, steeple, crosses, any kind of indication that they might not support you in your path to conforming to Christian culture would be a turnoff.
Yeah, very, I get that.
I get that.
I think I can find, I'm in LA, so there's plenty of churches like that around.
You know, also, you know, I worry about the pastor.
You go out and you look for a church.
You kind of walk in, the guy starts telling you about sin or about hell.
And I just find that, you know, it's so off-putting.
And, you know, I mean, that is not, I want Christianity to basically lift me up and make me feel better about myself.
Yeah, you know, in our book, How to Be a Perfect Christian, we have a list of trigger words that should be a warning for you, kind of an indication that the church is not right for you.
And some of those are like hell, wrath, cross, Jesus.
You know, anything that would make you feel uncomfortable in the sermon is definitely a red flag.
Yeah, whenever I hear them talking about the cross, I always think like, you know, that doesn't sound pleasant at all.
I mean, that really sounds like that could cause a lot of suffering.
And I don't know why you would want to do that.
Yeah.
I mean, why, you know, we're trying to grow these churches to get tens of thousands of people.
And how are you going to do that when you're talking about death and execution and blood?
You know, I was in a church the other weekend and they were singing a song about the blood of Jesus.
I mean, that's just disgusting.
Why would we want to sing about that?
Really unpleasant, really unpleasant.
Now, another thing that I find happens sometimes in church, and I, you know, this may just be one of those things that's a holdover from another day is they'll sometimes ask you to turn to the person next to you and shake his hand or even make some comment to somebody you don't even know.
I mean, I just find, you know, how can you avoid, I want to be a perfect Christian.
I want everybody to know that I'm a perfect Christian.
I mean, that's the important thing is that everyone knows it.
But how do I do that without getting over involved with other people in my church?
Yeah, you need to be really careful because people who are less holy than you, which is everybody, let's be frank, They're going to rub off on you if you let that negativity into your life.
So, when the pastor says, or the worship leader says, you know, let's greet one another.
You just need to stare straight ahead, arms folded in front of you, just glaring you.
People come up and say, Hey, good morning.
You just stonewall them.
Worst case scenario, bring a smoke grenade along.
That's I hadn't thought of that.
That's the smoke grenade.
Grappling hook, you know, grappling hook yourself right out of there, and you're good.
And, you know, I mean, I think you also have these small groups where people start to like latch on to you.
You know, they start to follow you around, ask you for advice, you know, on their Christian journey.
They start talking about that.
You know, how do you get out of that?
Well, we do recommend joining a small group because you can't really appear holy unless you're part of one of these small groups, community groups, connection groups, whatever they call them.
So you do have to join one, but the idea would be to kind of keep them at arm's distance and you don't want them to think that you're starting to depend on them.
So when you show up, maybe show up once a month.
If it's a weekly thing, you know, every third or fourth time you show up and just kind of grace them with your presence.
When you do show up to your small group, you want to examine the house of the person who's hosting it.
So you want to go look at their shelf and see if they have any Game of Thrones DVDs.
So you can pull it out and show everybody, hey, these people aren't up to my standards of holiness.
You can look in the garage.
They've probably hidden any beer or wine up on a high shelf in the garage.
So you could look for that, take some pictures, show it to the pastor.
So, you know, small groups can be a really good way to catapult yourself to the next level of spiritual perfection.
Yeah, Game of Thrones is great for that.
I mean, it really does when you can condemn Game of Thrones, especially if they have any kind of recordings at home that you can get.
So we're talking about how to be a perfect Christian.
You'll see there's yellow on the cover, just like some of C.S. Lewis's books, which really reminds me of.
One of my favorite parts of the gospels is they come to Jesus and they say, you know, how do you pray?
How do you pray?
When you pray, you need to sound like a Puritan.
So go read a bunch of the 17th century, 16th century Puritans, reformers.
Grab all of their big words that you don't understand and just sprinkle them throughout your prayer.
Even if you don't know what they mean, you don't understand what you're saying.
Everyone around you will think, wow, that guy said, you know, mortification.
And they'll immediately know that you are a perfect Christian.
That's great.
So there are words like mortification, anything with more than one or two syllables, I think probably carry you forward.
A couple of these and thou's.
Is that all right too?
Yeah, yeah.
Use these and thou's.
Yeah, you sprinkle liberally throughout.
So now, some of the churches I've been to, you know, have they call them volunteer opportunities or outreach opportunities.
How do I avoid those?
I feel that, you know, I want to be, I want to be a perfect Christian, but I don't want to get too close to people who are smelly or dirty or poor or anything like that.
So how do I avoid get out of these volunteer outreach things?
Yeah.
So if the pastor approaches you and he says, hey, we really need help serving in the two and three year olds ministry or we need help at the homeless ministry, obviously those positions aren't going to get a lot of praise.
They're not going to get a lot of glory.
So you just tell the pastor, I'm going to keep that in prayer.
I'm going to keep that in prayer.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm going to keep that in prayer.
You know, even he's just like, hey, all I'm asking is for you to watch the kids for an hour next week.
I really need to think on this.
I need to pray on this.
And then just never get back to him.
That's that sounds really useful.
That's really useful advice.
I appreciate that.
You know, one of the things I took away, one of the lessons I took away from how to be a perfect Christian, is that being a perfect Christian depends a lot on your online presence.
I mean, how you present yourself to other people online.
Can you give me some tips on what would make me a more perfect Christian, or at least appear to be a more perfect Christian online?
Well, you start with the profile picture.
So we have there's a few different options that you could take that you could choose to for your profile picture.
You know, a picture of one of the reformers, you know, just a serious, dour looking John Calvin or Martin Luther.
That's a good way to go.
Jesus, maybe wearing a Make America Great Again hat, riding on an eagle, firing an AR-15.
That's a good way to go too.
That's kind of the political route.
But you could kind of choose.
You can customize it to your own feel.
But that, and then everything you post just needs to be an inspirational quote.
You know, like we said, we don't want negativity rubbing off on people.
So just inspirational quote after inspirational quote.
Share a lot of those images of the Caucasian Jesus, you know, that says one amen, you know, or one like equals one amen, or one share equals one salvation or whatever.
Share a lot of those.
That shows Jesus that you love him.
It shows everyone else that you love Jesus.
And we also recommend taking a picture of your devotional time in the mornings.
You know, even if you don't actually have time to read the Bible, just at least make time to open it up, put the coffee and take the picture.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, that is something.
I mean, I don't really have time to read the Bible.
I'm just busy.
And nobody does something.
No, nobody.
But you really help out with that in how to be a perfect Christian.
You help out with that by giving, distilling the essential truths of the gospel so you don't have to actually go to the gospel and find those out.
Can you give me a couple of those, the essential truths, what the gospel is basically telling us?
Yeah, so the essential truths of the Christian faith, well, first of all, we give kind of a systematic theology so we can explain, you know, the eternal truths of the gospel, you know, who God is and who Jesus is and the Holy Spirit, you know, and how he kind of gives you Jedi powers, all of that stuff that's kind of the important essentials of the faith.
And then we go into kind of the spirit of Christian doctrine, which is you are amazing.
So I think we give six or seven in there that are the core tenets, but they can all pretty much be summed up in the fact that you are amazing and you are special.
And anything else that anybody says about you, even if the Bible says it, is just more negativity in your life.
So you need to cut that out.
That's exactly right.
That's the kind of perfection of Christianity I'm looking for.
I am looking for a church, a pastor, a Bible that tells me that I'm great.
You know, because why would I, what else do I want?
You know, I mean, life is short.
You know, Jesus calls us to be cultural warriors in the Bible in the passage where he says, you know, go forth and be a cultural warrior.
I'm not quoting it exactly, but it's something like that.
What does that mean?
What does it look like to be a cultural warrior for Christianity?
Well, it's definitely not just living out the gospel in your day-to-day life, loving your neighbors, doing things that show them the love of Christ, sharing the gospel.
That is not the way to win the culture war.
The number one thing you need to do is become a registered Republican, obviously.
Important.
Vote for any Republican candidate, no matter if they're good on the issues, bad on the issues, good voting record, bad voting record, good character, it doesn't matter.
When you get to heaven, they're going to ask to see the records of everybody you voted for, and you want to have voted a straight Republican ticket each and every time.
So that's a good starting place.
And that's what Jesus taught us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I mean, I find, you know, you have in this an actual Holiness progress tracker that takes you from Satan to Jesus so that when you start the book, you're probably down there around Satan, close to Judas, and then you can move up through Cain and David and the Apostle Paul finally get as far as Jesus when you're a perfect Christian.
You know, finally, let me wrap this up.
When you're a cultural warrior, I mean, part of the most important part of being a cultural warrior is condemning people who don't see things the way you are.
I mean, this is strict biblical gospel admonition to condemn others.
Where do I start?
Who do I start with when I'm condemning people?
Oh, I mean, anyone and everyone.
I would definitely condemn your immediate family first, you know, and then you just move, you move to the concentric circles of your boycotts and your influence groups after that.
So, yeah, you need to condemn anybody who doesn't see things exactly the way that you do.
I mean, they're pretty much Hitler anyway.
So they don't really count in terms of loving your neighbor.
You're supposed to condemn them, shake the dust off your sandals, and move on.
Yeah, I mean, you know, it just stands to reason that if you are a perfect Christian, anybody who is not you is obviously imperfect and therefore, you know, really close to Hitler.
From the Babylon Bee, How to Be a Perfect Christian, I know it's going to be on my shelf next to where I would put my Bible if I had one, or even next amidst the works of C.S. Lewis, the only other writer on these subjects that I know anything about.
Thank you very much, Kyle, for coming on.
And I hope the book sells to as many people as possible because we're here to make money.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Thank you.
So every time I send out something, I share something from the Babylon Bee, I get these angry letters from people saying, Don't you realize this is a satire site?
It's fake news.
So if you feel like we were trolling you a little bit, possible.
It's possible.
We were just trolling you a little bit.
The Babylon Bee, it is one of the great satire sites.
It's up there with the onion.
It is just hilarious.
How to be a perfect Christian, your comprehensive guide to flawless spiritual living.
sexual follies.
So Stormy Daniels on her Make America Horny Again tour is performing at Buck's Wild Strip Club in the Dallas-Fort Worth area this weekend.
And she's scheduled for two performances, and people are lining up at the door.
They say the club will be near capacity.
I guess this is, was this last weekend when she was doing this?
I'm not sure which it is.
But anyway, people were waiting online just to see her.
They were waiting around the corner to see Stormy Daniels.
And one patron said, We want to see what made the president pick her.
Like, what could it possibly, possibly be?
It raises the question: do the bodies of women who are in the news, do they contain anything that the bodies of women who aren't in the news contain?
You know, I would make, let me just make the only positive point I can make about this: that men, even though men are swept away by their sexual impulses, they do want to know the women.
They actually do want to, and celebrity causes them to have the feeling that they know the women.
So they'd actually rather watch a famous woman take her clothes off than an obscure woman take her clothes off because they actually want somebody that they know.
Might be good to go home to somebody that you actually know, like your wife, and see what she's up to, but that would be too sane.
Waiting for Stormy00:00:47
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