Ep. 208’s host satirizes a dystopian Clinton presidency—congressional probes into her classified leaks and perjury, media smear campaigns, and Utah Rep. Mia Love’s fictional "fat-faced Asian lunatic" nuclear meltdown—before pivoting to praise Fox’s Wallace/Baier over "childish" liberal anchors. Trump’s debate "win" is framed despite his weak performance, with attacks on Clinton’s Heller dissent and abortion stance, while WikiLeaks’ open-borders speech leak exposes her Russia-deflection as dictator-level denial. The segment slams Rubio’s WikiLeaks silence, the Clinton Foundation’s Haiti pay-for-play fraud, and ends with a dire GOP down-ballot warning, capped by a surreal Danny Kaye musical parody. [Automatically generated summary]
Well, the last debate is over, and probably the election, and the Republic, and all our hopes and dreams.
So, as an official political commentator licensed to look into the future, it's time for me to examine what is likely to happen next.
In the event that Hillary Clinton wins the presidency while Republicans hold on to majorities in the House and Senate, then it seems probable that the congressional investigations will deepen into Clinton's misuse of classified information, her pay-for-play corruption, and her various acts of perjury.
Desperate to protect their Democrat cronies, the mainstream media will then attempt to discredit the investigators by unearthing their personal secrets.
Whereupon they'll accidentally stumble upon the fact that Utah Congresswoman Mia Love has never appeared simultaneously with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.
When the story appears in the Provost Gazette and Pennysaver, Congresswoman Love will rip off her full-face mask on the floor of the House and reveal herself to be, in fact, a fat-faced Asian lunatic who will start shrieking in incomprehensible Korean as a signal for the Norcs to unleash a series of nuclear attacks on the makers of the Seth Rogan comedy The Interview,
thus destroying civilization and issuing in a period of savagery during which small bands of violent survivors will war over Earth's remaining resources by engaging in death races across a now-wasted landscape, trying to slaughter one another while driving Jerry-rigged go-karts with flamethrowers mounted on their frames.
Those who lose the death races will be used as human sacrifices to appease the wrath of Glenn Beck, who will have been made emperor by virtue of being the only person who remembered to buy gold.
Beck will slowly be driven insane by the knowledge that every one of his most catastrophic predictions has actually come true, and he'll make his way into an American missile silo where he'll guess that the launch sequence is the six digits created when Joe Biden's IQ is added to his zip code, thus setting off the missiles and initiating a nuclear winter that will render Earth uninhabitable for a thousand years.
At this point, a crippled but still breathing Kim Jong-un will drag himself out of his underground bunker, still wearing his Mia Love skirt suit for some reason.
Only to discover that the lone sign of human life remaining is a half-buried TV set on which the Seth Rogan sex scene from the interview is playing on an endless loop.
Due to a bizarre mutation caused by exposure to radiation, Kim Jong-un will find himself unable to die and will be forced to watch the scene for the next 10 millennia until a living creature evolves who is complex enough to turn off the TV and then devour the North Korean dictator, who at that point will be grateful for the agonizing end of his existence, which by extension will be the end of all human life forever.
In the event Hillary Clinton wins the presidency and the Democrats take over Congress, then we're totally screwed.
Seth Rogan Loop00:08:21
Trigger warning, I'm Andrew Clavin, and this is the Andrew Clavin Show.
I'm the hunky-dunky, life is tickety-boo.
The birds are winging, also singing, hunky-dunky-dee-doo.
Ship-shaped tipsy-topsy, the world is a bibby-zing.
It's a wonderful day.
Hoorah, hooray!
It makes me want to sing!
Oh, hurrah, hooray!
Oh, hooray, hoorah!
So that opening was just like a Ben Shapiro show on a typical day, right?
I think the openings this week have been terrific.
Who writes those?
Oh, I read it.
Never mind.
I'm not allowed to say it.
Speaking of Ben Shapiro, I think we're giving away his novel, True Allegiance, if you subscribe.
So you should get that.
I read it.
It's like his show turned into a novel.
It's like every worst case scenario comes true.
It's really entertaining.
So that's good stuff.
All right.
The last Andrew Clavin show before the Clavenless weekend begins.
So let's get some good stuff out of it.
The debate last night.
Who won?
Obviously, Chris Wallace.
I mean, there were people tweeting.
I think I was one of them.
There were people tweeting that he should be running for president.
But just to be semi-serious for a moment, it indicated something that I've been saying for years to my liberal friends, my few remaining liberal friends will speak to me, that the Fox News, represented by Chris Wallace and Brett Baer, is the only good news source on television.
Not one of the best.
It is the only good news source on television.
And the reason it's so painful to watch all the things that are tearing the place apart, Hannity going so far into the tank for Trump and the sex scandals and all this stuff, is because if you want to get your news on television, watching Brett Baer during the week and watching Chris Wallace on Sunday is the only way you're going to get a fair and balanced report because they actually live out the meaning of the Fox News Creed.
And in a way, it's kind of a shame.
I mean, all conservative outlets do this.
They either play so high that nobody but intellectuals can get to them, which is fine.
There's a place for that, the national reviews and all that, and the City Journal and all these things.
Or they play so low that they discredit the rest of the good things that they do.
So you have guys like Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity who are doing a good job for their audience, but it's a different audience than the audience that might well turn in Brett Baer and say, oh yeah, that was a fair news program.
That was pretty good.
I mean, even liberal reporters have looked at this and said that.
So as you were watching Chris Wallace, he made Lester Holt, Martha Rattis, and Anderson Cooper look like children.
They looked like children.
When you compare them to Chris Wallace, he looked like a grown-up in a suit and tie who has a job as a journalist, as opposed to Anderson Cooper, Martha Rattis, and Lester Holtz, who looked like children throwing vegetables at people they didn't like.
That's what they looked like.
They looked like little kids going, we don't like you, you know, Donald Trump, we don't like you.
That's what he made them look like.
And that's what they are.
That's what they are.
And of course, the minute, as far as the debate, in my opinion, Trump crushed her.
I mean, I hate both these people, so I have a pretty fair, fair and balanced.
Trump crushed her on every, he's a lousy debater.
Trump is a lousy debater.
He cannot keep a thought in his head, and he can't follow an argument to its conclusion.
And that makes it hard for him to actually put her away in the way a good debater can put her away.
I'm not even a debate fan because I don't care about winning and losing in an argument.
I just want to know what the truth is.
So it makes you a bad debater because some people can make bad arguments really well.
But I just thought Trump crushed her, and she just lied and lied and lied.
Now, the mainstream media is spinning this because it was such a victory for Trump, such a total victory for Trump, that the mainstream media is spinning this on one thing.
He was asked if he would, Trump was asked if he would abide by the results of the election, and here was his response.
I want to ask you here on the stage tonight, do you make the same commitment that you will absolutely, sir, that you will absolutely accept the result of this election?
I will look at it at the time.
I'm not looking at anything now.
I'll look at it at the time.
What I've seen, what I've seen is so bad.
First of all, the media is so dishonest and so corrupt, and the pylon is so amazing.
The New York Times actually wrote an article about it that they don't even care.
It's so dishonest, and they've poisoned the minds of the voters.
But unfortunately for them, I think the voters are seeing through it.
I think they're going to see through it.
We'll find out on November 8th, but I think they're going to see through it.
But, sir, there's a...
If you look, excuse me, Chris, if you look at your voter rolls, you will see millions of people that are registered to vote.
Millions.
This isn't coming from me.
This is coming from Pew Report and other places.
Millions of people that are registered to vote that shouldn't be registered to vote.
So let me just give you one other thing.
So I talk about the corrupt media.
I talk about the millions of people.
Tell you one other thing.
She shouldn't be allowed to run.
She's guilty of a very, very serious crime.
She should not be allowed to run.
And just in that respect, I say it's rigged because she should never, Tris, she should never have been allowed to run for the presidency based on what she did with emails and so many other things.
Well, you know, everybody, oh, what a gaff, what a terrible.
You know, the Republic depends on this.
But as I say, I said this yesterday.
I've been trying to say this all week.
You know, once you use the IRS to silence Republicans, once you use the media to silence conservatives, once you use the Justice Department to get your candidate off on what are obviously crimes that are indictable crimes, once you prevent cleaning up the voter rolls and make a racial issue out of whether people should have to show a simple identification in order to vote, you can't then blame Trump for undermining the democratic process.
I mean, maybe Trump is out of control.
Maybe he's a loose cannon.
He's certainly doing it for selfish reasons.
We were just talking to Jeremy Boring, the God king of the Daily Wire, backstage, and he was putting forward the idea that maybe what he's doing here is launching his media empire, the Trump network.
He's going to say, yeah, the media is so rigged.
But now you can listen to the Trump network.
Maybe so.
Maybe he's doing it for all the wrong reasons.
But what gutted people's faith in our governing system and our electoral system is not Donald Trump.
He's just the symptom.
He's just the voice of the anger that people feel for this corrupt woman who lies and lies and lies and then gets a pass and becomes the nominee.
The Democrats don't even fight about this.
On our side, we're all fighting.
You know, Shapiro is wrestling with this one and that.
You know, everybody's fighting each other because we know we've got this bad guy.
They've got this bad girl.
It's like, oh, it's good.
I like it.
This is just a typical Democrat.
This is the way we like it.
And now let's get in, let's go on from the stuff that the media is trying to get everybody to look at and look at some of the stuff, the lies this woman told, that she tells without thinking, you know, because Wallace kept it on the issues.
That was the best thing about him.
He just, you know, he went into the stuff about the women and the emails and all that stuff.
But basically, the media are always trying to make this, make every election a battle between Democrat good and Republican evil, which is for children.
They are children.
These are children.
You know, the Martha Raditz, the Anderson Coopers, these are children trying to make a fairy tale narrative.
It's always about the policies, because none of these people is perfect or any good, you know, but it's always about the policy.
So he talked about the Supreme Court.
Let's listen to Hillary on the court.
But I feel that at this point in our country's history, it is important that we not reverse marriage equality, that we not reverse Roe v. Wade, that we stand up against Citizens United, we stand up for the rights of people in the workplace, that we stand up and basically say the Supreme Court should represent all of us.
That's how I see the court and the kind of people that I would be looking to nominate to the court would be in the great tradition of standing up to the powerful, standing up on behalf of our rights as Americans.
Abortion Debate Highlights00:14:41
And I look forward to having that opportunity.
I would hope that the Senate would do its job and confirm the nominee that President Obama has sent to them.
That's the way the Constitution fundamentally should operate.
The president nominates and then the Senate advises and consents or not, but they go forward with the process.
Okay.
So now Trump goes after her and he goes after her first on the Second Amendment, which apparently, according to Wallace, was one of the questions people were most interested in.
And he pointed out that she got angry at the court's Heller decision.
She said she disagreed with it.
She did.
And here is her response on Heller.
You mentioned the Heller decision, and what I was saying that you referenced, Chris, was that I disagreed with the way the court applied the Second Amendment in that case, because what the District of Columbia was trying to do was to protect toddlers from guns.
And so they wanted people with guns to safely store them.
And the court didn't accept that reasonable regulation, but they've accepted many others.
So I see no conflict between saving people's lives and defending the Second Amendment.
Hank, total lie, total lie.
She went on and on about toddlers and the safety of toddlers.
Toddlers, we've got to keep our toddlers.
There are no toddlers in the Heller.
The word toddler doesn't appear for the simple reason that it wasn't about toddlers.
I mean, I don't, you know, I feel that this is why Hillary Clinton is for partial birth abortion, you know, because once those babies get out, they start running around, you have to shoot them.
You know, so she doesn't, but she wants to protect, she wants to protect the babies after they're born, or at least a few years after they're born.
She said, had nothing to do with this.
A guy, a special cop in Washington, D.C., the problem in Washington, D.C. is you weren't allowed to carry an unregistered firearm, but they prohibited registering a handgun.
So essentially, they made it impossible to keep a handgun.
And this special cop wanted to not just keep, he was allowed to carry the handgun, he had a special permit to carry the handgun, but he wanted to keep it at home for home defense.
And they wouldn't let him do it.
And what Heller said was what the Supreme Court said is they confirmed, as they have confirmed again and again and again, that the right to bear arms is an individual right.
It doesn't just mean a militia can bear arms.
It means you can bear arms.
And so when Hillary was disagreeing, what she's saying is, yes, she's in favor of the Second Amendment as long as it doesn't allow you to have a gun.
You know, that's what she's saying.
It's like, yeah, I'm in favor of the right to bear arms as long as you don't have the right to bear arms.
That's what she's saying.
Next lie, abortion.
They go on from this to abortion.
And this was one of Trump's better moments because he started talking about the nightmare, the nightmare that is partial birth abortion.
And you know, one of the things you hear about abortion people from abortion people is they're always arguing about language.
Because if you say things the way they are, if you show people what an abortion is and how an abortion is done at any level, if you show people what a 20-week-old fetus looks like, a baby looks like, you know, people will not go for it.
So they don't want to show you the truth.
Don't look, don't look, don't hear, don't talk.
We're going to have to stop for a minute to say goodbye to our friends on Facebook and YouTube, but come over to the Daily Wire and subscribe for a lousy eight bucks.
You get me, you get Ben.
It's just a party over here.
So come on over.
Okay, so let's listen to Trump on partial birth abortion.
Mr. Trump, your reaction, and particularly on this issue of life-term partial birth abortion.
Well, I think it's terrible.
If you go with what Hillary is saying, in the ninth month, you can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb of the mother just prior to the birth of the baby.
Now, you can say that that's okay, and Hillary can say that that's okay, but it's not okay with me.
Because based on what she's saying and based on where she's going and where she's been, you can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb in the ninth month on the final day.
And that's not acceptable.
It's a shame it should take a blundering, you know, a blundering blunderbuss like Donald Trump to say that that clearly and bluntly, that it's not acceptable to do that.
And remember, you know, this is the thing.
When they're dealing with words, it's always about the right of women, the rights of women.
And I think a lot of women fall for this stuff, the rights of women.
There's only one person in an abortion room who has no rights.
There's only one person who has no voice, no vote, no means of telling their story, no means of making your heart break over what would have happened if they'd been allowed to live.
Only one person, the woman who has gotten pregnant, can tell you her sad story, and many times it is a sad story, and nobody is taking that away from them.
Nobody's taking away from the agony of their lives and the difficulty that they're facing.
But there's one person who can't tell the story.
There's one person who can't say, yeah, you know, I would have been an opera singer.
I would have loved somebody.
I would have had kids of my own.
That person cannot tell that story.
So the weakest person is the one getting killed in there.
And that's the problem.
That is the problem.
So now Hillary comes back once again, total garbage on abortion.
The kinds of cases that fall at the end of pregnancy are often the most heartbreaking, painful decisions for families to make.
I have met with women who, toward the end of their pregnancy, get the worst news one could get, that their health is in jeopardy if they continue to carry to term, or that something terrible has happened or just been discovered about the pregnancy.
I do not think the United States government should be stepping in and making those most personal of decisions.
So you can regulate if you are doing so with the life and the health of the mother taken into account.
Well, I'll get to why this is garbage in just a minute, but you know, she says the government, suddenly Hillary Clinton is worried about the decisions that the government is allowed to make, right?
The government is allowed to force you to cater a gay wedding, but they can't keep that kid alive.
And, you know, I was on the Dave Rubin report the other day, and I said to him, you know, a government that can tell you who to sleep with is too powerful.
A government that can't save the life of a child is way, way too weak.
So as a guy who wants small government, I would say right there, if that was the only thing the government could do, I'd at least say, okay, well, at least it's doing something that a government has the right to do, which is to protect the life of the most powerless person in the room.
That is a right that the government has.
All right, here's David Harsanyi in the Federalist.
He wrote a very good piece just debunking a lot of what she said, what Hillary said last night.
But he says, the pro-life Charlotte Lozier Institute, using data from medical literature and late-term abortion providers, found that the majority of these procedures are not performed for maternal health complications or lethal fetal anomalies discovered late in pregnancy.
The pro-abortion Guttmacher Institute, named after the doctor who delivered me, by the way, that's why he became pro-abortion.
He saw me and he said, this has got to stop.
The pro-abortion Guttmacher Institute found that in many ways, women who had later abortions were similar to those who obtained first trimester procedures, which is to say, they did it out of convenience.
They did it late and they did it out of convenience.
Though Hillary Harsanye goes on to say, though Hillary acknowledges that Roe v. Wade allows limits, she has never supported a single one.
And by the way, just so you know, because the left is always using Europe, they're always holding Europe up as the civil, they don't allow anything like what we allow.
I mean, after the first trimester in most European countries, it is over.
It is over.
And like, you know, it's uncivilized.
The stuff that they're talking about is for savages.
It's for animals.
Even animals don't do it.
And Hillary Clinton is supporting it.
Here's my favorite moment in the debate, however.
My favorite moment was when they started talking about borders.
Trump got all excited.
You know, this is his big thing.
So he starts talking about borders.
And Hillary says she supports borders.
And Wallace brings up, because Trump hasn't got the mental discipline to do this.
Wallace brings up the speech she made that was revealed by Wikileaks in which she said her dream was open borders.
In a speech you gave to a Brazilian bank for which you were paid $225,000, we've learned from the WikiLeaks that you said this, and I want to quote, my dream is a hemispheric common market with open trade and open borders.
So that's the question.
That's the question.
Please quiet everybody.
Is that your dream, open borders?
Well, if you went on to read the rest of the sentence, I was talking about energy.
You know, we trade more energy with our neighbors than we trade with the rest of the world combined.
And I do want us to have an electric grid, an energy system that crosses borders.
I think that will be a great benefit to us.
But you are very clearly quoting from WikiLeaks.
And what's really important about Wikileaks is that the Russian government has engaged in espionage against Americans.
So play with Trump's one-line response here.
That was a great pivot off the fact that she wants open borders, okay?
How did we get on to Putin?
Because this is what they've been doing with these WikiLeaks.
It's suddenly, oh, it's all espionage.
We mustn't do it.
And by the way, people on the right are falling for this.
But let's just, first of all, this is one of the reasons you've got to subscribe because some of the stuff you've got to see, the look on her face when a journalist asked her a tough question, it reminded me of Nikolai Czechescu, is that who was his name?
The guy in Romania who had been such a dictator for so long that he didn't realize that the iron curtain had fallen and he went out on the balcony to wave to the crowd and the crowd carried him off and killed him.
And that look on his face when he realized they weren't shearing anymore, that's what she looked like when Chris Wallace asked her a tough question, you know.
And Trump is rolling his eyes and all this stuff.
Just an amazing moment when you saw Hillary Clinton forced to confront the things she actually says and she has no answer except the Russians, the Russians did it.
And this, I got to talk about this for a minute because Marco Rubio came out yesterday and said that he was not going to refer to WikiLeaks.
Here's Rubio.
I personally will not be talking about any revelations that come about solely as a result of WikiLeaks.
Our intelligence officials who are not partisan people have told us that this is the work of a foreign intelligence agency.
And we cannot be a country where foreign intelligence agencies can interfere or influence our political process.
What I would say to my Republican colleagues, some of whom may be disappointed by the position I've taken, is today it's them, tomorrow it could be us.
And just think about this.
Do we really want to be a country where foreign leaders or foreign intelligence agencies can blackmail our elected officials and say to them that unless you do what we want you to do, we're going to release emails from your campaign manager, your wife, your daughter, your son, and we're going to embarrass you.
You know, and Glenn Beck, I heard as I was driving to the tavern where we watched the debate, I heard Glenn Beck sort of agreeing with this.
And I love Beck, and Beck has shown himself throughout this to be a person of real integrity as he's dealt with this incredibly impossible Hobson's choice that we've all been faced with.
But I just seriously disagree.
You know, in philosophy classes, they talk about consequentialism, which is do you make a decision based on the consequences, the moral outcome of your actions?
And there are problems with it, and there are problems with anti-consequentialism.
And so we all have to make these decisions.
This is one of the reasons, for instance, why I can't sophistry my way out of the binary choice that this election presents.
I feel it's sophistry when I hear people say it's not a binary choice.
You know, you can not vote for either of them.
I think that's only true under certain conditions, like you think both of them will be equally bad for the country.
In which case, I think, yeah, you can not vote for either of them.
I respect people's consciences.
You know, you have a right to make your decision.
But there is a consequence to what you do.
These WikiLeaks, if Marco Rubio thinks he's going to get any quarter with the media when his emails are hacked, because then they're going to say to him, Oh, yeah, but that was different because you're a Republican.
So we're allowed to use them against you.
You're just not allowed to use them against Democrats.
Democrats like Hillary Clinton would rip their mothers' heads off and beat you to death with it if you got between them and power.
And I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but it may not be.
I mean, they would rip their mother's leg off and kill you with it just to get on power.
So it means that if we start to play by the Marcus of Queensbury rules, yes, do I believe we should be more moral than Democrats?
Yes, I do.
I definitely do.
I do not think we should cheat.
I do not think we should lie.
I do not think we should do the kind of politics of personal destruction that they do.
But once these things have been stolen and they are out there, they are there to be used if they are true.
And these are obviously true.
She obviously made those speeches.
She doesn't deny it.
Nobody's really denying that this stuff is real.
Of course, you can use it.
Of course, you can use it.
Should they hunt down the people who hacked it?
Yeah.
Should they prevent it?
Sure.
But once it's out there, just like the New York Times has used all the information that it's gotten from stolen sources if it hurt Democrats, you are allowed to use it.
And Rubio is being way, way too prissy about this.
He's got, you know, there is a balance between consequentialism.
You know, I wrote this novel, Empire of Lies, one of my favorite novels that I've written.
And really what the theme is, the question that it asks is: it's one thing to sacrifice your life for the greater good, but should you sacrifice your soul?
Should you sacrifice your own virtue to achieve the greater good?
And that's what the kind of the question of the novel asks and just examines basically what happens to somebody when he's presented with that choice.
And I think, look, it's a good question, but some balance has to be here.
And you didn't steal those emails.
You just got your hands on them.
And yes, you can use them.
There's just no question about it.
Final lie, just one last lie, and then we'll move on.
Was her foundation?
Trump Attacks Clinton Foundation00:03:19
Trump goes after her on the Clinton Foundation.
Here she goes.
It's a criminal enterprise.
Saudi Arabia giving $25 million, Qatar, all of these countries.
You talk about women and women's rights.
So these are people that push gays off business, off buildings.
These are people that kill women and treat women horribly, and yet you take their money.
So I'd like to ask you right now, why don't you give back the money that you've taken from certain countries that treat certain groups of people so horribly?
Why don't you give back the money?
I think it would be a great gesture because she takes a tremendous amount of money.
And you take a look at the people of Haiti.
I was at a little Haiti the other day in Florida, and I want to tell you they hate the Clintons because what's happened in Haiti with the Clinton Foundation is a disgrace.
And you know it, and they know it, and everybody knows it.
One of the problems with Trump, by the way, is everybody doesn't know it.
They don't know what he's talking about.
And he uses these things that are touch phrases for people on the right because we do know that they cheated the Haitians out of all those all the donations that they gathered for them.
But people don't know it.
And Trump does this all the time.
He makes these quick references and says, oh, the WikiLeaks email or something like that, but doesn't explain what they are.
And it really is a mistake.
It's not a good way of communicating.
But she goes on to say there's no evidence of corruption.
It's ridiculous.
More than half of the people she met with, the private people she met with, the Secretary of State, were people who had given her donations.
There was the guy, what was his name?
I wrote it down here.
The guy Rajiv Fernando, who got put on an international security advisory board with absolutely no expertise whatsoever on international security because he gave donations.
You know, it's been exposed.
The Clinton Foundation has been exposed as a pay-for-play operation that has personally enriched the Clintons and has been used to sell influence, sell government influence.
One of the things, one of the reasons that I'll probably hold my nose and pull the lever for Donald Trump is because these people are so corrupt and they have infiltrated every agency of the government, the IRS, the Justice Department, the FBI, anything else with three initials, they have infiltrated it.
And this kind of blank-faced lying and corruption, Trump, I don't believe that Trump is an honest guy.
That has nothing to do with it.
But his tentacles don't reach into this structure the way hers do.
She is part of this octopus-like Democrat machine, which has turned the federal government into a boss-tweedian, corrupt organization, the same kind of organization that has gutted every inner city in America where it's been allowed to take root.
And that's the real problem with Hillary Clinton.
Her policies, yep, terrible.
Her morals, awful.
But the fact that she is part of this corrupt machine at this heart, at the beating heart of this corrupt machine, just makes her a disaster.
So all I would say, look, it looks like Trump is going to lose this thing.
There was a new poll yesterday from Investors Business Daily, which has predicted more outcomes than any other and have put Trump ahead.
You know, everyone else has her from six to ten points ahead.
Snickety Poo Theme Song00:04:03
But don't stay home because I got to say, if the Republicans lose Congress and Hillary takes over, it's going to be really – I was kidding in the opening, but it's going to be really, really bad.
So don't stay home, vote the down ticket.
Stuff I like.
I got to end with this.
Because I advertised it in the title that I was going to play, one of the great American songs, that I like to sneak up in back of Shapiro and play the song because he bursts into flames whenever he hears it.
Actually, I'm recommending, I think this should be the Shapiro theme song.
We have this theme song that I love, Life is Hunky Dunky, which is an imitation of a song.
This is leading up to the song I'm going to get to eventually, which is an imitation of a song from a Danny Kay film called The Merry Andrew.
And since my name is Andrew and I came in and used the phrase tickety boo and everybody in the office stopped one day and said, where did you get the phrase tickety boo?
And I got it from a film called The Merry Andrew, which has one of the worst songs in it ever called Everything is Tickety Boo because Danny Kaye is supposed to be an Englishman.
So they use these faux English phrases that they write into a song.
So let's just play just a quick excerpt of the worst song.
This is the song we based our theme song on.
Everything is tickety boo, tickety boo, tickety boo.
Everything is tickety boo.
Once up your dreamy day to the U to Do Could be a snickety poo, snickety poo, snickety poo.
With the skies so blinkety blue, it causes one to say, Bless mankind, including my attackers.
I'm inclined.
The feeling is Jollyweller, it's absolutely crackers.
Incidentally, how about you?
How do you do?
Everything is tickety boo.
Once up your dreamy peaches and dreamy day.
Okay.
So we would have liked to use that song, but we had to write our own because we couldn't get the rights to that.
The funny thing about this, one of the worst songs ever, one of the worst lyrics ever, is it's written by one of the greatest lyricists who ever lived, Johnny Mercer, one of the greatest, truly great lyrics.
And you can hear at one moment, it has this great line in it, bless mankind, including my attackers.
That's a beautiful line.
And you can just hear that even when he's writing this terrible piece of garbage, he can't help but do something good.
However, he did write a song that had a similar attitude toward it, a similar attitude in it, that is one of the great brilliant songs.
He wrote it with the famous composer Harold Arlen.
It's called Accentuate the Positive.
And do we have Bing Crosby?
Is that who he is?
We have Johnny Mercer himself.
We have the same.
Johnny Mercer was a great jazz singer, so he sings the song himself.
So listen to this.
And you know, like I said, I like to creep up in back of Shapiro and play this just to watch his hair catch fire.
You got to accent, chew it to positive e limbs, mind it to negative and latch on.
To the affirmative, don't mess with Mr. Inbetween.
You got to spread joy up to the maximum, bring gloom down to the minimum, have faith or pandemonium liable to walk upon the scene.
To illustrate my last remark, Jonah in a well, Noah in the art.
What did they do just when everything looked so dark?
Manda said, We better accent.
She wait to positive e limbs.
Mind it to negative and latch on to the affirmative.
Don't mess with Mr. Inbetween.
No, don't mess with Mr. In Between.
Great song.
It's a great song.
It should be Shapiro's theme song, usually.
All right.
Accentuate the positive.
You're going to need that advice because the Clavenless weekend is upon us.
So accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.
Keep your head down, your gun next to you, and some fresh water nearby.