June 5, 2025 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:11:00
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| Alright, we're done. | ||
| We're rolling, don't do anything illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are we on the OZEM pick? | |
| No. | ||
| Come on, everybody's on the ZEM. | ||
| I think it's probably bad for you. | ||
| It might, in the end, be bad for you. | ||
| There's also that part of me I can't bring myself to actually not work out. | ||
| You look ripped! | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're allowed to work out. | |
| You don't want to talk about it, but look at those shoulders. | ||
| Look at those shoulders, dog. | ||
| Those shoulders are coming in strong. | ||
| You look noticeably thicker. | ||
| Like, no, yeah. | ||
| That's what I said to my trainer. | ||
| He's like, you want to lose weight? | ||
| I said, no. | ||
| Bigger. | ||
| I want to get jacked. | ||
| Fucking huge. | ||
| Dude, you've been in this gym, like, super fucking consistent. | ||
| If I'm in Austin, I come here every day. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Every day, it's very nice. | ||
| Every time you open that door and I see it pop out, I'm like, fuck yeah. | ||
| He's getting after it. | ||
| Getting after it. | ||
| Do you worry about the buff? | ||
| Comedy, though. | ||
| I will never actually get into it. | ||
| Well, I very rarely wear a t-shirt on stage. | ||
| Or anything tight. | ||
| Shirtless is my mood. | ||
| I just want to look like a fucking champ. | ||
| Take a shirt off like Hulk Hogan. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Start comedy. | ||
| Yeah, Greischer, when he started losing weight and he was getting jacked, I'm like, you're taking away from your act there, fella. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You look like a football player now. | ||
| Bert was getting some big, thick-ass shoulders. | ||
| I don't do a lot of fat jokes. | ||
| No. | ||
| If any. | ||
| No, you don't really. | ||
| You might make fun of yourself if it helps something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Well, you're not fat enough. | ||
| You're more like squishy. | ||
| You're just a fat guy. | ||
| You're not like a fat guy. | ||
| So absurdly fat that we have to talk about it. | ||
| Bert doesn't really do fat jokes either. | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| Sometimes you just gotta attack the elephant in the room just to get it out of the way, but then after that, fuck it. | ||
| But if you're really good, you don't even need it. | ||
| But if you have a joke that's funny, who fucking cares? | ||
| That's the weirdest thing is comics, policing what should be talked about. | ||
| If someone comes up with the most amazing fart joke of all time, I'm going to die laughing. | ||
| It's like, I don't do any, I don't have any, but on anything and everything, there's a take on anything and everything that's like, ah! | ||
| You know? | ||
| You just gotta find where it is. | ||
| That's kind of my goal. | ||
| Just to come up with the best fart joke of all time. | ||
| Ate's dog? | ||
| No, not yet, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| What's that? | ||
| You're bad at Lucy today, dude. | ||
| What's up with you? | ||
| He's fired up, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's gamed it. | |
| You've pulled out three drugs. | ||
| I've been here in eight minutes. | ||
| Shh. | ||
| There's no drugs. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No drugs. | |
| No drugs. | ||
| It's just nicotine. | ||
| Just Ozempic. | ||
| Don't get the fence on us. | ||
| Lucy Breakers. | ||
| What's the heckle fish? | ||
| Oh, that's from, um, you ever see that, uh, YouTube show, The Y Files? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a great fucking show. | ||
| It's all about, like, fucking aliens and why you can't go into the Grand Canyon and, you know, secret fucking temples and stuff like that. | ||
| And AJ Gentile is the host. | ||
| And then this is a fish that sits in the fish tank next to him and talks shit to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I will be a strict but fair lord of these lands and my thirst will come to idolize you. | |
| Look at you. | ||
| There's drugs. | ||
| Can't say there's no drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hold up a fucking stuffed animal. | ||
| Guys, check this out. | ||
| He put his nose on his forehead. | ||
| Well, the thing is like now everybody comes and they give me something for the table. | ||
| That's like part of the fun. | ||
| I got this little Olmec head That's sick. | ||
| From Luke Caverns. | ||
| Pretty dope. | ||
| I also got an Aztec death whistle. | ||
| Do not blow it. | ||
| I blew it. | ||
| I blew it. | ||
| The last time we had one of these and we blew it, Callan blew it on the podcast and the pandemic started a month later. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| Fucking L.A. was locked down. | ||
| People were connecting it to the death whistle. | ||
| It was a conspiracy theory. | ||
| Oh, poor Bob. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You got me. | ||
| Ah, the death battle. | ||
| That one drives me nuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pop Saget does? | ||
| Yeah, because it's the same thing that happened to Heather McDonald. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blacked out, fell, smashed your head, died. | |
| She lived, because she was on stage, and luckily they got medical help. | ||
| Rug, rung on the stage also. | ||
| It was fake? | ||
| No, rug. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| No, it was hardwood. | ||
| I don't think it was a rug. | ||
| Hardwood. | ||
| I've seen that video 30 times. | ||
| Her head bounces. | ||
| It's very terrifying. | ||
| That's how people die in street fights. | ||
| That's the big reason why people die in street fights. | ||
| They get knocked out and they hit their head. | ||
| It's not from getting punched to death most of the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Most of the time it's from falling and hitting your head. | ||
| Remember the knockout game? | ||
| Knockout game. | ||
| Bro, that is so scary. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| Filming crimes is a very... | ||
| We're already watching it again. | ||
| That stage is hard. | ||
| Here she goes. | ||
| Get the Hitler speech. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| It kind of gets enveloped into the stage. | ||
| Fractured her skull. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fractured her skull. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Scary shit. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Nice Jamie. | ||
| You bleed in the brain. | ||
| Didn't need the whole thing. | ||
| That was perfect. | ||
| Possibility you'll never be the same again. | ||
| Question is, did it kill? | ||
| Did it get a laugh? | ||
| It was the biggest laugh of the set. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, it might have been worth it. | ||
| Until people found out it was real. | ||
| Yeah, they thought it was just being hilarious. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Which is the way you would do it. | ||
| You ever get an accidental joke where you say something and everyone laughs? | ||
| You're like, oh, I can see the double meaning on that. | ||
| I'll pretend I meant that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, definitely. | ||
| Well, that's the difference between writing it and saying it, right? | ||
| You write it, and you're like, I think I know how to go with this. | ||
| And then you get on stage and say it, and you're like, oh, that's the funny part. | ||
| This is fucking ridiculous. | ||
| The fact that this exists is ridiculous. | ||
| I'm always embarrassed if I wrote something. | ||
| And then say it, and it's not even close. | ||
| What the fuck was I thinking? | ||
| At this point, I always think of it as like a scaffolding. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know what's good until I get up there. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's funny how when you're in your apartment, you're killing. | ||
| You're like, man, this is good stuff. | ||
| And then when you get up there, you can feel, this won't work. | ||
| Yeah, right when you're on stage. | ||
| I don't know why I'm saying this. | ||
| But when you have people in front of you, you're like, oh, this is not gonna hit. | ||
| Oh my god, it's the best. | ||
| And then you went into it with so prepared, and then they're just looking at you like, You go into it like, I wrote a new bit today, this thing's gonna fucking kill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In your notebook. | ||
| Two words into it, you go. | ||
| That's why comedy's great, because you can never really crack it. | ||
| You can get better at it, but you can never really go, this is gonna work. | ||
| It's also a truly collaborative thing. | ||
| You have to have an audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gary Clark Jr. could write a fucking amazing album by himself in his private music studio, and nobody has to hear it until you listen to it the first time. | ||
| You're like, god damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oliver Anthony's new album. | ||
| I haven't heard it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro. | |
| Really? | ||
| Bro. | ||
| There's a song. | ||
| We're going to play this song. | ||
| Leak it? | ||
| You can't play it on the air. | ||
| So we'll play it. | ||
| The same one you already sent me? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I should have it already. | ||
| We'll play it and then we'll react to it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll tell you guys. | ||
| Cut all this out. | ||
| I'll tell you guys what happened. | ||
| So Oliver Anthony has no money, right? | ||
| He's poor. | ||
| He's selling farm equipment. | ||
| He puts his song on YouTube. | ||
| He's a fucking superstar, right? | ||
| He doesn't know what to do. | ||
| He freaks out. | ||
| He asks me for advice. | ||
| I call him on the phone. | ||
| We have a conversation for like a fucking hour where I go, don't sign anything with anybody. | ||
| And he's like, they're telling me I have to strike while the iron's hot. | ||
| I go, bullshit. | ||
| They're trying to steal money from you. | ||
| I go, you're independent. | ||
| You're already there. | ||
| You already made it. | ||
| I know if you wrote that song. | ||
| I'm like, if you wrote that song, you could write a dozen of those fucking songs. | ||
| You don't need anybody. | ||
| He's like, they're offering me $7 million. | ||
| I go, no, no, no. | ||
| They're offering to steal money from you for the rest. | ||
| That's what they're doing. | ||
| I go, you don't need them. | ||
| You have talent. | ||
| So, cut to, he starts making millions of dollars, doing arenas. | ||
| The wife divorces him. | ||
| She wants everything. | ||
| She wants everything. | ||
| She wants more than half. | ||
| She wants all the money that he's going to be making in the future because she was with him when he was broke. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| He's just tortured. | ||
| What a fucking idiot. | ||
| Wants to die. | ||
| Wants to die. | ||
| And he writes this song. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wait, this song you're about to play? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He writes this song. | ||
| You got it, Jamie? | ||
| Bro. | ||
| By the time this episode comes out, that song will be out. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Well, he just wrote the... | ||
| He just ethered his wife. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a diss track. | |
| Bro, that's the craziest diss track of all time. | ||
| Wait, it's coming out tomorrow? | ||
| The next day? | ||
| It's coming out tomorrow. | ||
| The song is? | ||
| The math don't seem right. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Every divorced dude on earth is going to be just funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo-wee! | |
| Oh, that's what he said. | ||
| It doesn't seem right for her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For her. | |
| That she wants more than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay. | |
| She's lucky he got out with a song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay. | |
| Because he would have killed her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, if he didn't have a guitar, that's a stringling. | |
| That guy doesn't need a record deal. | ||
| That guy don't need nobody. | ||
| He's a hitman. | ||
| He don't need nobody. | ||
| He's Lisa Loeb. | ||
| Remember Lisa Loeb? | ||
| Did she do everything? | ||
| She had a top five hit on a subway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And then every label was like, we want you. | ||
| And she's like, well, hold on now. | ||
| I think I got the upper hand. | ||
| Oh, very clever. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of people that have done that now that just completely bypassed the system. | ||
| A lot of me. | ||
| Lobotomy? | ||
| What happened there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Lisa Loeb? | ||
| That's a stretch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a stretch. | |
| You see him? | ||
| That's a stretch. | ||
| Earlobe. | ||
| Some of those ladies, they kind of vanish. | ||
| You know, like, Lisa Loeb was huge. | ||
| She was. | ||
| She was the chick with the glasses, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| She was hot. | ||
| She was cute. | ||
| I did something with her on VH1 once. | ||
| Ooh! | ||
| Yeah, some talk show thing. | ||
| She was very nice. | ||
| Nice lady. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Time is this before 3, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why, you want coughing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| At 3 p.m., you cut it off? | ||
| It starts to slow down. | ||
| Mr. Regimented. | ||
| I won't sleep. | ||
| Anyway, let's talk more about this. | ||
| You have a hard time sleeping? | ||
| If I have too much of this. | ||
| Same. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I'm on the pills. | ||
| You're on what pills? | ||
| Sleeping pills. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which ones? | |
| You've got to get on boner pills. | ||
| They're way better. | ||
| I'm taking an anti-schizophrenia thing. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's Seroquil. | ||
| I've taken that shit. | ||
| Give that a good. | ||
| That shit sucks. | ||
| Wait, that's the only thing it works for me. | ||
| Fucking Stanhope. | ||
| That makes you go to sleep? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it makes you sleep. | ||
| Wait, isn't that right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Have you tried deadlifts? | ||
| No. | ||
| Just work out real hard so you're exhausted. | ||
| You work out. | ||
| Wait, isn't that where Brody was on Seroquel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Is that when he got off? | ||
| I think he was. | ||
| Seroquel is serious. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| I think he got off on his own and that's when he went off the rails. | ||
| Alright, there you go. | ||
| Yeah, that got real weird. | ||
| He's a deadlift. | ||
| Oh, you son of a bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a friend! | |
| When I got back from Stan Hopes, when I was out there, I had some Seroquel, the rapper, in my pocket. | ||
| And I got back to my parents' house. | ||
| It was during COVID. | ||
| My mom was doing laundry. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It was like, what the fuck is Seroquel? | ||
| And I was like, I don't know. | ||
| So my guy gave it to me and I took it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did it help you sleep? | ||
| Yeah, it fucked me up for like three days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'd take it every night. | ||
| I don't think you're supposed to take somebody else's, especially not Stanhope. | ||
| Stanhope's got elephant doses. | ||
| Stanhope's dosage is not your dosage. | ||
| For anything. | ||
| For anything. | ||
| Yeah, I woke up on Wednesday. | ||
| You could go beer to beer with him for sure, but anything else. | ||
| Just beer, yeah. | ||
| Anything else, stay away. | ||
| Stand up as a tolerance. | ||
| If you need it. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He says, "Just don't go to the doctor!" You don't want to know. | ||
| It's so funny when somebody gives you drugs and you're like, it's strong. | ||
| To who? | ||
| Who are we talking about now? | ||
| Stanhope has various hernias all over his stomach. | ||
| He can just lay back and pop his stomach. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's a mess. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's riding it till the wheels fall off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is. | |
| Hell, yeah. | ||
| He's a mess. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's riding it till the wheels fall off. | ||
| Give that to Albert Anthony and say, run with it. | ||
| Run with it, yeah. | ||
| An ode to Stanhope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I check out on his Instagram somewhere. | ||
| He's wearing fucking flea market clothes in some other country doing stand-up. | ||
| We're in Ukraine. | ||
| Get the fuck out of there. | ||
| We're in the smoking room at a bar in Luliana. | ||
| I think I'll film a special here. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| There's 30 people. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| He's a maniac. | ||
| He did my podcast recently and it's like 1 p.m. | ||
| He gets hammered and then he's like, what are we doing? | ||
| And we're like, we gotta do another one. | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| I thought we were hanging out all day. | ||
| And he was pissed. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Well, you've got to set the terms for your agreement in advance. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Hey, you do a bod, you leave after. | ||
| You can't just assume we're going to get hammered and hang out all day unless we talk about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I would say, though, if I get day drunk with people, I... | ||
| Yeah, it's a good plan. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| If we get together and have barbecue at Terry Black's at 1 o 'clock and like, let's fucking get blasted. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| The day's over. | ||
| You're hanging out all day. | ||
| Yeah, you're done for three days. | ||
| I rarely get those days. | ||
| I rarely get that. | ||
| Those days were fun back when you had all the time in the world. | ||
| You had nothing to do. | ||
| No pod. | ||
| My family went away for a week. | ||
| COVID was the best. | ||
| Noon, you'd be with DeRosa, you'd call Big J, like, it's 12.02, you want a drink? | ||
| That was the good thing about COVID, right? | ||
| The people who are risk-takers, you get together with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You go outside, too, and just drink out there. | ||
| How long did you guys go without being around anybody, though? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I was, like, good people the whole time. | ||
| The whole time? | ||
| Yeah, I was on the road. | ||
| You never, like, took a week off of, I mean, other than, like, family and, like, real close friends? | ||
| Yeah, I did do that. | ||
| It was, like, three, four weeks, actually. | ||
| Bro, that's so bad for your brain. | ||
| I went three months. | ||
| How many guys never came back? | ||
| A lot of people never came back. | ||
| Some people are starting to come back. | ||
| I don't want to name them. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| It's funny to see them the first week. | ||
| And you know, that's where I was when I got back. | ||
| I was like, hey, too close, too close. | ||
| Lewis immediately goes, I'm like, hey, I'm still trying to... | ||
| Come on, Lewis. | ||
| But you see people like, hi. | ||
| I'm like, oh, you just got back? | ||
| It took a week. | ||
| You gotta get back now, though. | ||
| Burr would only do elbow touches for a while. | ||
| Meet outside and do elbow touches. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I was hugging everybody. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Those were dark days. | ||
| I remember not thinking it was going to end. | ||
| I know, man. | ||
| But there's a lot of good came out of it. | ||
| It was my favorite. | ||
| It forced me to move here. | ||
| It was my favorite, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What a fun time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You had time to think. | ||
| Time to hang out with your friends. | ||
| Also, I had just gotten canceled. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| I just went to a beach house. | ||
| Same, actually. | ||
| It was $20 on Airbnb. | ||
| Nobody was traveling. | ||
| You went to North Carolina, right? | ||
| Didn't you have time to just sit in it, though? | ||
| No, I was drinking at the beach. | ||
| What advice did I give you when you went to North Carolina? | ||
| It was something normal. | ||
| Don't say gook. | ||
| Make a fire on the pitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop saying it. | |
| That was my advice. | ||
| Don't say it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| No, it was Hilton Head and it was Make a Fire. | ||
| We made fires every night. | ||
| I remember you called me like, hey, you were right. | ||
| Beach fires rule. | ||
| Wow, what a trash crew. | ||
| It's the trashiest. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| crew of pigs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're big. | |
| Oh yeah! | ||
| Good call. | ||
| You guys want a big one or a little one? | ||
| I'll do a little one. | ||
| Is that a short story? | ||
| These are all given to me by Jose Andres. | ||
| Is that a short story? | ||
| You know, maybe you know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Cigari Shafir. | ||
| A short story, that's what they call them. | ||
| You want a short one? | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| I'm actually alright. | ||
| I don't like any of them. | ||
| Let me see all of them. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck that is. | ||
| Oh, this is the one. | ||
| It's OpenX. | ||
| This is a high-end version of this brand. | ||
| They're super legit. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| The short stories are great, though. | ||
| I'll take a nice light one. | ||
| You won't appreciate it. | ||
| That might be too heavy for me. | ||
| Do a short story. | ||
| You'll like it. | ||
| Give me a little chode. | ||
| That's not a chode. | ||
| That thing's fine. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Well, if you only want like a little bit, like Ron White has those little tiny ones. | ||
| Yeah, those are nice. | ||
| Tiny cigars. | ||
| Darius has those all the time. | ||
| But he inhales those motherfuckers. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He inhales them like he does a cigarette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, that is so bad for you. | |
| Those are so bad for you. | ||
| You're going, you're taking straight cigar smoke in your lungs. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You know how to do it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Bro, how good is that song? | ||
| That song freaks me out. | ||
| Very good. | ||
| Good soulful song. | ||
| It feels like a throwback. | ||
| You can't fake that. | ||
| You can't fake that. | ||
| I've never heard a guy make a song about a divorce. | ||
| It's pretty funny. | ||
| He's going through it, dawg. | ||
| Rock's like, you'll be mad if you make 30 grand if you have to give up half. | ||
| Half at 10 million's nothing. | ||
| Half at 30 grand. | ||
| That's a fucking crazy song. | ||
| Great tune. | ||
| Reminds me of Mike Lawrence's joke on Ralphie Mae. | ||
| During Roast Battle, he goes, your wife's divorcing you, which is crazy to split up now and get half where you can just wait six months and get all of it. | ||
| Oh, that bro's killed him. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Hey, Jamie, do we have any beers in here? | ||
| There's a whole cooler of them right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could you imagine... | |
| Actually giving her that advice? | ||
| Imagine, like, if you're the lawyer. | ||
| Hey, just wait a little bit. | ||
| If you're the lawyer, you're like, you know, take him out to eat. | ||
| Yeah, just wait him out. | ||
| Take him to fucking Denny's. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Two in one. | ||
| Keep him going. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Keep that party rolling. | ||
| Did you ever work with Panette? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| He is a funny fat guy. | ||
| Bro, I saw Panette when I was like an open-miker. | ||
| He was like a few years ahead of me. | ||
| I saw him murder one night. | ||
| He was such a crusher. | ||
| He had this bit about going to a Chinese food, all-you-can-eat buffet. | ||
| And they're like, no! | ||
| You get out! | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I saw it on TV. | ||
| Bro, he did that at Nick's Comedy Stop one night. | ||
| packed house, brought the it wasn't the first time I realized how phony Hollywood is. | ||
| He came into the improv and all the agents and managers and the suck-ups like, "John, you look amazing! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You look so good!" He looks like a 480-pound guy, and I'm like, "What?" We did it to Shane 20 minutes ago. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| And now everyone was very mean. | ||
| One of the guys outside was like, "You look good. | ||
| Well, better." That's fair. | ||
| That's like, I believe you now. | ||
| He wasn't joking. | ||
| He was totally genuine. | ||
| Being honest with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Pretty funny. | ||
| Well, better. | ||
| It's such a great... | ||
| With how much your privacy is being invaded online, VPNs are no longer just a nice thing to have. | ||
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| You're looking fucking good, dude. | ||
| You look great. | ||
| They'll tell that to you. | ||
| You look great. | ||
| You've never looked better. | ||
| You look 20 years younger. | ||
| Oh, look how fat. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Unfortunately. | ||
| He's already funny. | ||
| He just looks funny. | ||
| Oh, he was so funny. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| If Ozempic was earlier. | ||
| Such a good comic. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but then you have a big head. | ||
| He'd be alive. | ||
| Alive with a big head's pretty funny, too. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Because when you have a big, fat guy's body, your head grows. | ||
| Your skull grows? | ||
| Physically. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you ever watch a big, giant, fat guy, when they lose a lot of weight, their head looks way too big for their body. | ||
| Because they were 500 pounds. | ||
| They had a head of a 500-pound man for 20 years. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, you know, you get a belly band. | ||
| And now you weigh a buck fifty. | ||
| You got 500 pound dude's head. | ||
| Go from a fighting style of this to... | ||
| Your jaw is one of the weirdest things. | ||
| That's what mewing is all about, when people change their jawline. | ||
| Your jaw moves. | ||
| Your jaw can get larger. | ||
| You can actually change your jawline from exercise. | ||
| Isn't it crazy? | ||
| You can't alter your dick. | ||
| You gain weight, nothing happens. | ||
| You can't work out your dick. | ||
| We work out our dick every night. | ||
| You can't do nothing to your dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put a man on the moon! | |
| We can't. | ||
| You can't fix the dick. | ||
| Can't fix the dick. | ||
| If you got a micropenis... | ||
| Come on! | ||
| It's a fact now, proven. | ||
| The Iranian one? | ||
| The Iranian one that won the Olympic gold medalist is a man. | ||
| So she's funny. | ||
| They released a medical report. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Well, the IOC is the one that allowed her to compete in the Olympics, but one of these amateur boxing organizations apparently did a test. | ||
| I thought it was one of those where I was like, you guys are wrong about this one. | ||
| It's not a trans, it's actually just some Yeah, that went through puberty, the whole deal. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| She's teeing off on bitches in Paris. | ||
| WAP! | ||
| WAP! | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| We should have that as an Olympic sport. | ||
| beating bitches I think this person him up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll tell you what, Iran would Oh, yeah. | |
| No, no, you got to uppercut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like they have all the technique down from yours. | |
| You know, it's really dark. | ||
| First you grab the arm. | ||
| You bend. | ||
| You say, shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| I told you not to bring that up in front of my fucking friends. | ||
| Did I see you driving? | ||
| I told you not to bring that up as such a good... | ||
| Give me a good pitch. | ||
| You see Greta Thunberg's on her way there right now. | ||
| She's gonna fix it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is this? | |
| Thunberg's on her way to Iran. | ||
| She unfixed Gaza. | ||
| Oh, she's on a sailboat. | ||
| She's taking a sailboat to Gaza. | ||
| Three years fucking later. | ||
| I can't wait for them to meet her. | ||
| Bro, that little how dare you girl. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You know the climate change girl? | ||
| You know the little autistic girl? | ||
| She's an adult and nobody cares. | ||
| Well, now she's free Palestine. | ||
| She's singing things off her phone. | ||
| Now she's at the front of a boat like George Washington making its way to Gaza. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Bro, there she is. | ||
| Is the environment done? | ||
| Leonardo DiCaprio. | ||
| She's got a nice boat. | ||
| From the river to the rising sea. | ||
| Levels. | ||
| Not bad, dude. | ||
| She's gonna break the Israeli cable blocker. | ||
| I've worked on it. | ||
| Bro, those IDF guys are gonna turn her into cat food. | ||
| They will light her up from the fucking shore before she's even close. | ||
| They don't play no games. | ||
| Both sides are gonna blow that boat up. | ||
| Yeah, they don't play when they see it. | ||
| They actually maybe come together on who gets to blow it up. | ||
| She could be sacrificing herself for all of us. | ||
| Well, she could be just the best person ever. | ||
| Nothing greener than killing yourself. | ||
| Or she could be someone that they take advantage of and use at the front of the line for every cause. | ||
| It's one of those. | ||
| She's a young kid, man. | ||
| It's so crazy to take a young kid and like put them at. | ||
| This is going to be your life now forever. | ||
| You're the face of X, Y, and Z. This is... | ||
| Even if it's not up to her and it is obviously... | ||
| Not obviously, but it could be out of her hands. | ||
| She probably has handlers and political shit. | ||
| Oh, for now. | ||
| At least she's trying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She is trying. | |
| She's trying. | ||
| Yeah, she's trying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She cares. | |
| Yeah, gainfully employed. | ||
| But this is when they got the South Park kids to fight against Harbucks. | ||
| What's Harbucks? | ||
| Starbucks? | ||
| Starbucks coming in. | ||
| Was it Starbucks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Starbucks? | |
| Let a kid be crying about Trump. | ||
| Israel, Palestine, and Russia, Ukraine really ended the fucking climate change. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Ended everything. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It was like, there's World War III's coming. | ||
| It's like, we don't have time. | ||
| Yeah, none of the climate change people are like, these bombs are increasing the temperature. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think Greta Thunberg, actually. | ||
| Unless that was fake. | ||
| It ended a lot of shit. | ||
| Like, the Palestine, it was like, oh, we forgot about Ukraine, we forgot about BLM, we forgot about... | ||
| They go, well, let me see where they were from first. | ||
| It's crazy how everybody's just not, this is all just terrible. | ||
| It's really terrible. | ||
| You can't kill them in Texas either. | ||
| It's a weird time. | ||
| I caught that one. | ||
| Hey, thanks. | ||
| I caught it too. | ||
| I just stared right through it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just stared at the table. | |
| I don't even think that's funny. | ||
| It is crazy I can't watch porn here on my phone. | ||
| That's a real fucking bug. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can. | |
| You just have to take a photo of your ID and send it to the government. | ||
| What's the problem, Mark? | ||
| What am I, a migrant? | ||
| We want to know how into feet you really are. | ||
| Why are some of these states doing that? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Tennessee? | ||
| I don't mind feet. | ||
| We just want to track you completely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| We want to see what your search history is on Pornhub. | ||
| It's a nice street, though. | ||
| You go on the road, you go, oh yeah. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| If you guys are out in New York, you don't know. | ||
| It's all the tax-free states, too. | ||
| Florida. | ||
| Tennessee? | ||
| Florida, I don't know. | ||
| Tennessee for sure. | ||
| It is a bummer, and the only way you find out is when you're doing the show in Tennessee. | ||
| Don't you guys know about ExpressVPN? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Get ExpressVPN. | ||
| Say you're fucking phoning in from Thailand. | ||
| You can see everything. | ||
| Yeah, but then sometimes it goes like, it's not registering right, it's not too... | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| VPNs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes I'll leave Texas and it's still the same VPN. | |
| I'll tell you what the result is. | ||
| I go on Xvideos now. | ||
| More regular chicks. | ||
| Now I'm turned on on just regular bars. | ||
| Before it had to be at this level. | ||
| I'm into it. | ||
| X-videos is rough, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's rough. | |
| It's janky. | ||
| Bad lighting, bad stomachs. | ||
| Ladies need to know 10 pounds extra is way better than 10 pounds too thin, right? | ||
| Ozempic 10 pounds, that Ozempic 10, where your face gets sucked in. | ||
| It depends if you're sitting up. | ||
| I like soft. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want the Holocaust. | ||
| Yeah, like an extra few pounds is nice. | ||
| Like when girls start thinking they need to lose weight, that's when they're like, right there. | ||
| And they start fucking with their face. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| They should get to the point where they think they should lose a little weight and stay right there. | ||
| That's where they're perfect. | ||
| Are you about to make point of someone's face? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'll top it off afterwards, I gotta tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking sketchy. | |
| Ozempic is sketchy, man. | ||
| You gotta stay on that, bro. | ||
| It's gotta be. | ||
| You don't get on it and lose 100 pounds and then like, alright, now I get it. | ||
| Big J's doing great. | ||
| On Ozempic? | ||
| He's slowly going. | ||
| No, he's skinny. | ||
| He was just on the road with me this weekend. | ||
| He's like slowly going down. | ||
| How big is his head? | ||
| What's his head look like? | ||
| He's got a normal head. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| He's turned into, you can see that he's an old Jew now. | ||
| Before that, he was fat enough that you didn't really see all the Jewish features. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know who said that? | |
| William Shachner. | ||
| William Shachner says he stays fat because he keeps the wrinkles away. | ||
| Shachner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because he keeps your plump face. | |
| Captain, motherfucking Kirk. | ||
| Shachner. | ||
| Shatner, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same shit, dog. | |
| My favorite basketball player is Shat. | ||
| But it's funny to watch Jay. | ||
| Whenever we get in a car now to go somewhere, he's like, I'll get in the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's like, you're new, you're spry now. | |
| As a big guy, I relate to that. | ||
| One day I dreamed to be like fellas. | ||
| I'll sit in the way back. | ||
| So what's he going to do with all those giant jean shorts? | ||
| Sell them. | ||
| He's got to buy new clothes. | ||
| Make a sale for Greta. | ||
| Sew them all together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Make a tent out in Myanmar. | |
| Weehawking. | ||
| I hope she live vlogs that shit. | ||
| I want to see her go down. | ||
| Some of the rebels we're arming need tents. | ||
| Fire him up. | ||
| Greta Thunberg going to Palestine is like those people going to the unchartable islands and be like, hi, I'm Christian! | ||
| Yeah, like North Sentinel Island. | ||
| Jesus, you've forsaken me! | ||
| That's just crazy. | ||
| Or the white social worker who goes into Baltimore ghetto, he's like, hey everybody, I'm here, and they just beat the fuck out of me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about the dude who was a Rockefeller? | |
| The dude who was a Rockefeller who went to the Papua New Guinea tribe and they ate him? | ||
| You know why he fucked up? | ||
| Yeah, he fucked up because he said, I'm actually very important where I am. | ||
| They go, oh, that's... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| What happened was he fucked up and was trying to get a sacred item from them and trying to buy it from them. | ||
| And they didn't want to give it. | ||
| And he was very insistent. | ||
| And he apparently offended them deeply. | ||
| And then when he returned, they're like, oh, he's back. | ||
| And they stabbed him when he was in the boat. | ||
| They were taking him in the boat over there and they stuck him with a spear. | ||
| And he was like, oh! | ||
| Screaming out and he cried. | ||
| And the guy who told the story, there's a whole depiction of how he died. | ||
| I read that because also he was an important man in America. | ||
| In another country, that's better to eat that. | ||
| That's a good person to eat. | ||
| I think the big thing was the offense. | ||
| I think it was the offense, because they would have killed him the first time. | ||
| Maybe they would have killed him and not eaten him. | ||
| It was when he came back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here's one, and I'm trying to remember who it is. | ||
| It might have been a Rockefeller. | ||
| What? | ||
| Somebody's kid went to Africa and paid to watch them cannibalize a kid. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I gotta remember, it's a Rockefeller, like a DuPont, or like one of those names. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder if he's telling this at a party. | ||
| He goes, guys, just so you know, they were going to kill him and eat him anyway. | ||
| He did? | ||
| No, I think that's exactly what he did. | ||
| He came back and was like, they were going to eat him anyway. | ||
| I just wanted to watch it. | ||
| Holy moly. | ||
| Did you imagine watching that? | ||
| How about that dude, General Butt Naked? | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| From Liberia? | ||
| They would kidnap a child and cut the child's heart out and eat it raw before they would go into battle. | ||
| And he would go into battle buck naked. | ||
| James Whiskey. | ||
| James Whiskey aired by a slave girl to watch her get cannibalized. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Is that true? | ||
| Reference to 130-year-old what? | ||
| That's a tough one. | ||
| 130-year-old scandal and a horrifying anecdote from a colonial expedition. | ||
| Jamil's been around for 130 years. | ||
| Wow, he bought a slave girl to watch her get cannibalized? | ||
| What's true? | ||
| Go up to the top, scroll up right there. | ||
| By his own admission, Jamison witnessed the murder and mutilation of a girl and is now the Democratic Republic of the Congo in 1888. | ||
| Incident took place after Jamison paid handkerchiefs to a man who said, give me a bill of cloth and see. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| What? | ||
| So, Jamison insisted he did not set out with the intention of causing or witnessing any murder or act of cannibalism and describe what he ultimately witnessed as the most horrifyingly sickening sight I am ever likely to see in my life. | ||
| Just give me a handkerchief. | ||
| But if you're like, what do you guys do? | ||
| Do you guys eat people? | ||
| He's like, give me a handkerchief and you'll see. | ||
| And that's all you have to give the guy? | ||
| A handkerchief? | ||
| We all would have done it. | ||
| We all would have given a handkerchief. | ||
| Not knowing what it's gonna be. | ||
| What does this mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| First of all, I'd be terrified to not give him the handkerchief. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he's already killing and eating people. | ||
| You don't know what you're getting. | ||
| Like the guy who got killed and eaten in Papua New Guinea. | ||
| I bet he had no idea he offended them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He thought he was bargaining. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like if you don't know their culture and you're deeply offending them by wanting some sacred item that they have. | ||
| Like whoopsies. | ||
| Pissing on the tree in Somar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In where? | ||
| In Midsommar. | ||
| He pissed on the tree. | ||
| He's like, what are you doing? | ||
| He's like, well, I just wanted to piss. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| What is that reference to? | ||
| Oh, it's a hell of a movie. | ||
| Midsommar? | ||
| Ari Aster? | ||
| Do you know it, Jamie? | ||
| I've never said it. | ||
| It's a horror film. | ||
| Good rec. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I've never seen this. | ||
| Oh, it's a good one. | ||
| Oh, you would hate it. | ||
| Would I hate it? | ||
| No, you wouldn't. | ||
| You'd like it. | ||
| You would think it was fucked up. | ||
| It's an indie movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty great. | |
| But it's cool. | ||
| It's an A24. | ||
| Anyway, the reference. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| How many fucking AI movies are going to be made over the next year? | ||
| Oh, they're coming. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Let's get rid of the actors. | ||
| I'm all for it. | ||
| They're coming. | ||
| Well, we don't have to hear from them. | ||
| Yeah, we don't have to hear from them. | ||
| All the mediocre actors, all the, like, CBS, like, cop show actors who always played, like, the deputy. | ||
| We've got the papers, but we don't know if he did it yet. | ||
| You know, that guy's gone. | ||
| That guy's gone. | ||
| All the NPCs are gone. | ||
| They're looking real good. | ||
| They can make a Protect Our Parks AI three hours long. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| It's so easy to replicate. | ||
| We replicate it. | ||
| We're easy. | ||
| Every single episode. | ||
| Play Freebird. | ||
| Let's get these guys nodded their best. | ||
| Play Freebird 40 minutes in. | ||
| Yeah, we'll do some Hitler stuff. | ||
| Get a pun in there. | ||
| Get a couple drinks in this. | ||
| Get some Hitler speeches going. | ||
| Hey, are we going to play Coming Out of the Closet? | ||
| Oh, no, we probably will play. | ||
| Hey, is that Kanye? | ||
| Kanye won the Hallelujah one. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| I was going to say it changed it. | ||
| Is that legit? | ||
| He actually changed it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, he made a Hallelujah one. | ||
| Another version. | ||
| Of the same song. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not. | ||
| It's like all my brothers Christians, Hallelujah. | ||
| They still have the N-word in it? | ||
| Nay, I do not believe so. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Does it, Jamie? | ||
| I think it's Brothers. | ||
| He says Brothers. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That song was the craziest song anybody's ever put out. | ||
| Boy, that was the craziest song I've ever heard. | ||
| Have we talked about that on this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Catchy. | ||
| No? | ||
| Which song? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brothers? | |
| Catchy and fucking insane. | ||
| It's a little catchy. | ||
| He said the three things you could never say all together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it was tough how tricky it was. | ||
| Or how catchy it was. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'd listen to it, and then I'd be like, that was crazy. | ||
| And then the rest of my day, I'd be walking around like, hmm. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I was humming it. | ||
| It shows you how important Twitter is. | ||
| They kept it up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's up there. | ||
| It was number two in Israel. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, it hit the chart. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| No. | ||
| Give it a goob. | ||
| Oh, it's still got the N-word in. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it is. | |
| So you just changed that part? | ||
| Yeah, it's like that. | ||
| It's how the melody goes. | ||
| You've got to leave it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I only heard one part where he's saying all my brother's Christians. | ||
| Google it is number two in Israel. | ||
| I swear I heard that on Spotify. | ||
| Wait, they changed the Heil Hitler song to the Hallelujah song? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's wholesome. | ||
| That's nice now. | ||
| That's like when they changed the Let's Get Retarded to Let's Get It Started. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So they could do an NBA commercial. | ||
| It's not as good anymore. | ||
| Everybody forgets Let's Get Retarded in here with the song. | ||
| That's a clear shift of when things change. | ||
| You know the first one? | ||
| Is Tutti Frutti. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Tutti Frutti, the original, was Tutti Frutti Good Booty. | ||
| It wasn't a Rudy. | ||
| Little Richard was singing about booties. | ||
| Tootie Fruity. | ||
| Tootie Fruity, good booty. | ||
| It's all about sex. | ||
| If you listen to the song, the original version of the song, you could see the lyrics online. | ||
| You could find them. | ||
| That was the original song. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| This episode is brought to you by UFC on ESPN+. | ||
| Alright, guys, mark your calendars because UFC 316 is going down Saturday, June 7th, live from Newark, New Jersey, and this card is stacked. | ||
| In the main event, Marab Dwavishwili, a.k.a. | ||
| The Machine, the bantamweight champion of the world, making his second title defense, and he's taking on none other than Sugar Sean O'Malley. | ||
| You heard that right. | ||
| It's a rematch from their wild clash at Noche UFC, then in the co-main. | ||
| It's Kayla Harrison finally getting her shot at UFC gold. | ||
| She's facing Juliana Pena, who is defending her title in her second reign. | ||
| And listen, there is some serious heat between these two because whoever comes out on top might just end up facing Hall of Famer Amanda Nunes. | ||
| Don't miss this one. | ||
| Purchase UFC 316 at ESPNPlus.com slash Rogan Saturday, June 7th at 10 p.m. Eastern. | ||
| See if you can find the lyrics. | ||
| He used to come to the store, Little Richard. | ||
| Staying next door. | ||
| Stay beyond us. | ||
| He used to live there, right? | ||
| Yeah, it was the Hyatt back then. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Sometimes guys get to a certain point where they just want a maid to fucking clean their room. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| An apartment, anywhere else. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Didn't Val Kilmer live in a hotel, too? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It's a wild thing. | ||
| They did so much money. | ||
| Yeah, I know, right? | ||
| That Chateau Marmont. | ||
| A lot of people live there. | ||
| Yeah, when you're cracked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a good place to go to be fully cracked out. | ||
| It's the beginning of the end over there. | ||
| You go there with a fucking plan. | ||
| A velvet jacket and a plan. | ||
| We're gonna fucking die here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're gonna fucking die here. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the right level of coke where I think I have powers. | ||
| You got a cigarette holder with them long stems. | ||
| That must be so nice. | ||
| I know. | ||
| To be that high on cocaine that you're like, I am the man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am the man. | |
| I'm gonna fucking die in this place. | ||
| I wouldn't want the maid coming in, though. | ||
| Living in a hotel, you got secret shit in there. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the thrill of it. | ||
| That's the thrill of it. | ||
| It's like spies. | ||
| Like spy versus spy. | ||
| Yeah, and you're so high. | ||
| Housekeeping. | ||
| Housekeeping. | ||
| You're absolutely convinced the maid is CIA. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| That's the maid. | ||
| It's like, you're coming in, you're coming all the way in. | ||
| There's no peeking your head in. | ||
| There's something hot about the maid in the room, isn't it? | ||
| It's because of your porn search. | ||
| Don't force it. | ||
| You can grease it and make it easy. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| They're replaced with Tutti Frutti or Rudy. | ||
| Tootie Fruity already. | ||
| Tootie Fruity, good booty. | ||
| If it don't fit, don't force it. | ||
| You can grease it, make it easy. | ||
| What is the rest? | ||
| This is WAP. | ||
| This is the original WAP. | ||
| Tootie Fruity, good booty. | ||
| If it's tight, it's alright. | ||
| If it's greasy, it makes it easy. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| I think it said he was playing this song live, and then when Wait, he was gay? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Get out of here. | ||
| Verses contain descriptions of anal sex. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my goodness. | |
| Gross. | ||
| What does it say about Go back to the bottom. | ||
| Stop right there. | ||
| Blackwell contacted local songwriter Dorothy Oswald. | ||
| Boss Street to revise the lyrics. | ||
| Oh, there we go. | ||
| With Little Richard still playing in his characteristic style. | ||
| After a lively performance, Blackwell knew the song was going to be a hit, but recognized that the lyrics, with their minstrel modes and sexual humor, needed to be revised for lyrical purity. | ||
| Lyrical purity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could make that hit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Lil Nas actually put that out. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was 1955. | ||
| He was talking about greasing up guys' dicks and asses. | ||
| Fetty Wap could do it. | ||
| Free Fetty Wap. | ||
| Free Fetty. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| Nothing! | ||
| What was he accused of? | ||
| Juicy J. I think it was selling drugs. | ||
| Juicy J could pull that song off of the list. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He never came off his game. | ||
| There's dudes out there that could pull that off. | ||
| Can't get a mouth pregnant. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's fun. | ||
| They used to have to hide. | ||
| Gay guys used to have to hide. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Just like a metaphor. | ||
| Just have to hide. | ||
| The psycho, Anthony Perkis. | ||
| Oh, he was gay too? | ||
| Big homo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big. | |
| You know where they still have to hide though? | ||
| Leading man roles. | ||
| Yeah, Tom Cruise. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| Well, he's got to fly off a mountain. | ||
| He's grandfather, anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got to do those stunts to get his mind on it. | |
| Well, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, if you know a guy's married and he has a husband, you don't want to see him in a leading role making out with a lady. | ||
| You're like, ah, he's all there thinking about dicks. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| but it's acting. | ||
| But it's the one thing where we don't Right? | ||
| Like, lesbians, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Like, if you know a lady who's a lesbian, like Jodie Foster, she's allowed to play a wife of somebody. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| Nobody blinks. | ||
| But if you know... | ||
| Name one instance of a guy who's a young handsome gay guy who gets to play Big movie like who would use like? | ||
| Who are the gay movies? | ||
| He's like one of those actors like Daniel Day-Lewis. | ||
| Too good. | ||
| Where you're like, he's such a fucking artist that you'd be like, see something. | ||
| No one's pulled that off. | ||
| Tom Hardy's bi. | ||
| Tom Hardy's had some butt sex. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah, pull it up. | ||
| Is that confirmed? | ||
| He played a Mohican. | ||
| That's for sure. | ||
| I'm Hardy. | ||
| So weird statements are fun. | ||
| He's explicitly stated that while he's not explicitly stated he's gay or bisexual, he's acknowledged exploring his sexuality. | ||
| All right, well, we do that. | ||
| He just wears masks. | ||
| He just wears masks. | ||
| He's exploring. | ||
| Hardy's a good one. | ||
| He wears goggles. | ||
| He's great on Mobland, bro. | ||
| Mobland is so good. | ||
| He's great in everything. | ||
| Have you seen it, Ari? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Paramount Plus, Mobland, five stars. | ||
| I give it all the stars. | ||
| Guy Ritchie show. | ||
| Oh, he's great. | ||
| Crazy English mob show. | ||
| You're like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Every show gives me anxiety. | ||
| Every episode. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| They need a rating system back on TV. | ||
| Because I am too deep into these shows where it's like, oh, this is made for children. | ||
| Paramount Plus has stuff on regular TV and stuff like that, and they just blend it all in together, and you don't know what you're getting into. | ||
| Are you watching fucking Bluey? | ||
| Yeah, you go watch a Cocoa Bellon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, Blue's Clues. | |
| This is for fucking kids. | ||
| Ari's high watching Miss Rachel. | ||
| Yeah, what is... | ||
| Like, violence, nudity, all that stuff at the beginning of the show? | ||
| So you need that, otherwise you're like, I can't have it? | ||
| I'm just saying they're half deer, all the kids are half animals and half deer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Half animals and half animals. | ||
| Yeah, I know what that is. | ||
| I saw the first, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You see a season in, you're like, oh. | ||
| Sweet Tooth. | ||
| I've never heard of it. | ||
| What is it about? | ||
| It's a little post-apocalyptic. | ||
| Sweet Tooth. | ||
| Yeah, where like women's animals started merging. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, it's a cool idea. | ||
| But it's a kid show? | ||
| They don't tell you in the teaser. | ||
| It's not really a kid show. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's like not made for adults. | ||
| What are you missing? | ||
| More violence? | ||
| More real violence. | ||
| It's just too sweet. | ||
| It's made for, like, 15-year-olds. | ||
| That's cute. | ||
| Kids with antlers. | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| Fun. | ||
| They got to sleep in the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this a new... | |
| It's bullshit. | ||
| You think it's cute? | ||
| Give a kid a fucking headgear that he can't move around his house in? | ||
| What if he tries to get through the trees and he gets stuck? | ||
| He's gonna cry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Human kids with antlers? | ||
| It's a terrible idea. | ||
| Terrible idea. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| And then your fucking neck hurts because you're carrying around all that extra weight, and then it falls off, and then it pops back up again. | ||
| And that means you only breed once a year if you have antlers. | ||
| Joe's taking it. | ||
| You got one month out of the year when you get horny. | ||
| Watch out for you, dude. | ||
| Not only that, you're going to stab your friends to death with those antlers. | ||
| You're going to be out in the woods. | ||
| You're going to shoot him with a crossbow. | ||
| I hunt those kids. | ||
| This show's recommended for you just 10 and up. | ||
| You're over 10. There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're over 10. Fair. | |
| Fair. | ||
| I'll give her another go. | ||
| I'll give her another go. | ||
| Yeah, the antlers, sometimes they get stuck in a tree. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah, animals die that way sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| You ever see those guys, like moose, like when they shake their fucking antlers off? | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| Oh yeah, shedding. | ||
| Giant paddles. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, giant paddles. | ||
| It like surprises them. | ||
| And then they're free because of all that weight. | ||
| You know how much those things weigh? | ||
| Those are bone. | ||
| But it's basically a weapon, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
These two deer are locked. | |
| This guy's gonna shoot the antlers off. | ||
| He's gonna separate them. | ||
| So he's gotta do that with a shotgun. | ||
| He's just gotta get a good shot. | ||
| Only he's going to shoot the antlers and not them? | ||
| Yeah, not them. | ||
| He's an expert. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| He's a really good shot. | ||
| And he's real close, so all he has to do is clip one of the antlers and it'll blow them all apart. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| He got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| So he shot the antler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| What a guy! | ||
| They broke free. | ||
| Because they get eaten by coyotes that way, and the coyote eats your friend while you're stuck to him. | ||
| They found this one deer, a buddy of mine found one deer that was connected still to this dead deer. | ||
| The coyotes had eaten his friend. | ||
| They ate his guts out. | ||
| Everything was gone. | ||
| They just ate as much as they wanted. | ||
| In the morning, he's still stuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Yeah, and he lived. | ||
| Imagine how horrifying that would be. | ||
| You're handcuffed to your buddy, and your buddy gets eaten by zombies, but they're full. | ||
| You gotta chill with him for a minute. | ||
| But you're still handcuffed to him? | ||
| It's like when those guys fuck the Siamese twin, and they're like, well, it's only one asshole. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Here's another one of those. | ||
| So this happens more than, you know. | ||
| There's coyotes stalking them here. | ||
| So there's coyotes that are moving in on him that have already killed his buddy, and he's still attached to him. | ||
| And look, it's just gory and horrible. | ||
| That's brutal. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And he was stuck with them the whole time. | ||
| Look how much they ate out of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| That's so dangerous. | ||
| By the way, coyotes are just little wolves. | ||
| That's all they are. | ||
| They're little wolves that are everywhere in every state. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| They're at my parents' house now in Pennsylvania. | ||
| Yeah, they spread across the whole country. | ||
| You hear him at night, it's fucking... | ||
| They start screaming. | ||
| You know, they go, somebody's fucking pet. | ||
| They triangulate, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They eat mostly pets. | ||
| My cat was out there, and I was watching TV one night, and I heard them all screaming. | ||
| And then I walked outside, and my cat was laying on the ground, and there were just three coyotes circling him. | ||
| And I don't run out there. | ||
| I was so scared. | ||
| I was like, hey, get the fuck out of here! | ||
| They don't listen. | ||
| But I picked my cat up, and he was purring. | ||
| It was very weird. | ||
| It was really sweet. | ||
| I love that cat. | ||
| He's dead now. | ||
| That's the problem with cats. | ||
| He got fucking mauled by something. | ||
| He was an outdoor cat. | ||
| Outdoor cats are little murderers, though. | ||
| He had it coming. | ||
| That's the ones that kill birds and present it to you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Brought rabbits into the house alive. | ||
| He was a fucking demon. | ||
| Can you imagine how fun it must be to be a cat? | ||
| You have all your food, so you're covered already. | ||
| This is funsies. | ||
| You're not eating for survival. | ||
| I like letting them out. | ||
| I feed off the screens. | ||
| I didn't want them to be a house cat. | ||
| Yeah, if a cat's got a yard, it's kind of brutal to not let him out, but it's brutal to let him out for everything else. | ||
| I love those missing cat pictures on the... | ||
| Yeah, in LA. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| Buddy. | ||
| They're gone. | ||
| You ain't getting that guy. | ||
| Four coyotes, though, it wasn't... | ||
| Unreasonable. | ||
| But now it's like... | ||
| Every now and then, like a month later, that thing will come back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a stepdad. | ||
| See? | ||
| Fucking mauled. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like one of them had its eyeball hanging out and crawled back to the house. | ||
| It's like John Wick. | ||
| Come back torn up. | ||
| They go out and fight to the death. | ||
| Cats fight. | ||
| It's horrible watching cats fight. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Especially the outside ones where they really get after it because they're used to killing things. | ||
| Regular indoor cat, their whole life, they just like walk around with a boner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never get to fuck. | |
| You know, that's what it's like. | ||
| You're a little murderer. | ||
| And you're a little murderer that's contained in a house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| And you're showing me your asshole. | ||
| If you let that little murderer out, it could be 11 years old. | ||
| 11 years of the perfect life. | ||
| Lock on a bird. | ||
| Who do you think wins? | ||
| City Cats or... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rural cats. | |
| Rural, right? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Just like humans. | ||
| Just like humans. | ||
| Appalachia wins over New York City. | ||
| If Dallas had to, like, fight the ranchers. | ||
| The ranchers would surround Dallas. | ||
| They're like my Stetson hat. | ||
| Fucking bloodbath. | ||
| It'd be a bloodbath. | ||
| Tim Walls versus Rogan. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The world's got it all day long. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| I had pride in that. | ||
| In Queens, when I was walking around, I'd see an outdoor cat and I'd just be like, Tibble would fuck you up. | ||
| My guy would fuck you up. | ||
| I got a Maine Coon. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| Big paws, big ears, but I can't let it out. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| It's staying in my apartment. | ||
| It's like a honey badger. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| People say a lynx is loose. | ||
| That thing's jumping up the stairs. | ||
| When I was in high school, we lived across the street from this park area, and I had this black cat. | ||
| This cat was evil. | ||
| He killed everything. | ||
| And one day, he killed a squirrel, and he was dragging it across the street. | ||
| The squirrel's as big as him. | ||
| He's got his mouth on the squirrel's neck, and the squirrel's body's between his legs, and he's walking like this, dragging it because he wants to show me that he killed the squirrel. | ||
| I was like, yo. | ||
| I was watching him do it from the window in the kitchen. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I have to. | ||
| I've told this story on here before, and stop me if I have. | ||
| I watched, Tibble killed a rabbit in the yard, and I heard it screaming. | ||
| So I like went out to be like, I pulled him off the rabbit. | ||
| And when I lifted it, it was funny. | ||
| He was all muscle. | ||
| I was holding him under his chest and he was just, he, he, he. | ||
| Then I put him back in the house, and as soon as I put him down, he fucking scratched me and walked away. | ||
| He was mad at you. | ||
| He was crazy. | ||
| He was mad at you. | ||
| He ruined his fun piece of shit. | ||
| This is what I live for. | ||
| For real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got called gay by my cat. | |
| Did I tell you when my dog got honeydicked by a coyote and tricked into breaking into the chicken coop? | ||
| Wait, honey-dicked what, huh? | ||
| Yeah, this coyote became his friend. | ||
| He was this big mastiff. | ||
| And the coyotes knew they couldn't eat him because he was huge. | ||
| So they became friends with him. | ||
| So he thought they were dogs. | ||
| And so the coyote hopped the fence. | ||
| He's like, hey, you know, there's a chicken in there. | ||
| We can get in there. | ||
| And he's like, I can get in there. | ||
| So he fucking tears open the chicken coop because he could at any time he wanted to. | ||
| The coyote grabs it and the coyote hopped over the fence. | ||
| I watched the coyote hop over a six-foot wrought iron fence like it was nothing. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Leaped up in the air, touched the top of the fence with his feet, and then put his back feet on and hopped over with a chicken in his mouth. | ||
| It's like a Mexican. | ||
| You saw it taking the chicken? | ||
| No, I just saw the chicken. | ||
| I was playing a board game with my family in the living room, and one of my kids yelled out, one of my kids yelled out, it's a coyote! | ||
| And then you see this fucking coyote run across the backyard with a chicken in his mouth. | ||
| Just get to that fucking fence and leap! | ||
| It flew. | ||
| Gravity wasn't real. | ||
| Were you impressed or were you mad? | ||
| Super impressed. | ||
| Well, you can't be mad. | ||
| I was mad. | ||
| I wanted to kill it. | ||
| But that's what they do, and that was impressive. | ||
| That chicken's cost is worth you saying that. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| But then Johnny realized that there's this whole... | ||
| And when a chicken's brooding, you have to separate them from the other chickens because they won't lay eggs and they pick all their feathers out. | ||
| They think they're going to make a baby with this unfertilized egg, so they just want to sit on top of the egg. | ||
| They don't want to go around. | ||
| It's a weird psychological thing. | ||
| The way to break them of it, you take them and you put them in a little tiny, So then they can't nest, right? | ||
| And then they do it for a few days and like, I'm over it. | ||
| And then they go back to being a regular chicken. | ||
| They're not the smartest things in the world. | ||
| So this one was in this little tiny one. | ||
| But then Johnny Cash realized, I could just go through this wall. | ||
| Because he was a 140-pound Mastiff. | ||
| He was huge. | ||
| So he just tore the chicken wire open himself and killed nine chickens before I got to him. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, that was a couple days later. | ||
| But the coyotes had talked to him and convinced him, like, chicken eating is fun. | ||
| You're not eating these chickens? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look how big you are. | |
| You can eat the chickens. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| It tricked him into doing it, man. | ||
| He had never done that before. | ||
| And then he's hanging out with his coyote, and the coyote's like his homie. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Honeydict him? | ||
| Honeydict him. | ||
| What's that term? | ||
| They probably sent a female coyote and just like... | ||
| Smells like pussy, doesn't it? | ||
| The Mormons are on Salt Lake. | ||
| They sent all the cute ones to try to convert you, try to get you in. | ||
| I heard it works. | ||
| That would work on me in a second. | ||
| Except if you're 21. No, but the problem is it's a Utah hot. | ||
| So it's like a five. | ||
| Utah's pretty hot. | ||
| The ones out. | ||
| The ones still in are chubby and fucking not tattooed. | ||
| You see, Japan... | ||
| I already said they haven't been tattooed before I like them. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Anyone in Utah that's out of the Mormons that are just like, fuck, sleeves, heroin. | ||
| Once they get out. | ||
| Once they get out, they go far out. | ||
| They go hard. | ||
| Fake tits, they go in. | ||
| Well, seeing as they feel like they have to make up for lost time. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They've been wearing magic underwear since you're 24. They can't even drink coffee. | |
| That's so crazy. | ||
| But you can drink energy drinks? | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| My friend was a Mormon. | ||
| He was downing these fucking giant monsters. | ||
| I was like, bro, that is way more caffeine than a cup of coffee. | ||
| He's like, yeah, but it says coffee. | ||
| It doesn't say energy drinks. | ||
| Like, yeah, but a guy wrote it. | ||
| We know the guy. | ||
| It's tough telling a Mormon. | ||
| They believe a guy wrote it. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| A 14-year-old wrote that down. | ||
| Just some dude. | ||
| He had a gold tablet, and he was the only one that could read it. | ||
| He would deprive energy drinks of you, too. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| He would now. | ||
| He just didn't know about it. | ||
| No loopholes. | ||
| No porn, no caffeine, no booze. | ||
| Magic underwear. | ||
| And they got a soak. | ||
| They can't thrust. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| I don't mind a little soaking. | ||
| Soak is actually pretty good. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| It's even a girl gets off on a soak. | ||
| Just leave it in, no movement. | ||
| She's like, that's what I like. | ||
| I'm like, whoa. | ||
| Where the fuck do you find her? | ||
| New York. | ||
| You gotta get an Amish lady. | ||
| New York, your address. | ||
| She's asleep. | ||
| Come on now, right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you wanna see your pictures? | |
| Take it off-comers? | ||
| Yeah, no, when I found out about soaking, I was like, oh, that's... | ||
| It's so crazy that they allow them to do that. | ||
| Also, you know you're going to blow if you're soaking. | ||
| I blow just being next to a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| It's a hot meat glove. | ||
| In there. | ||
| It's designed for that. | ||
| It's designed to trick you into making people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's designed to trick you into it. | ||
| You see, Japan's birth rate is so low, they're flying people in. | ||
| You get a birth rate. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Yeah, it is crazy. | ||
| They make it real economical. | ||
| Real safe to live there, too. | ||
| A lot of appeal. | ||
| But you gotta learn Japanese. | ||
| I think they would learn of their submission. | ||
| Easy language to learn. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's all symbols and outside of bushes and stuff. | ||
| It's so nuts that people develop these fucking languages that are just so different than anywhere else. | ||
| When you look at Russian writing, you're like, what are you doing with the letters? | ||
| I was in New York yesterday, and there was a white family speaking a language. | ||
| I'm usually pretty good at picking out what the language is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| You should call Ari Matty. | ||
| Might have been Icelandic or some shit. | ||
| It was something like crazy. | ||
| Viking. | ||
| Viking talk. | ||
| They looked like Vikings. | ||
| I just played Reykjavik. | ||
| That is a great town. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Unreal. | ||
| It's like otherworldly. | ||
| It's glaciers, it's volcanoes, it's saunas and hot springs. | ||
| And they all speak English. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| In town, for sure. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Deep out of town, they do Viking songs. | ||
| Deep in the whatever, they don't, but like... | ||
| That's a cool drink in town. | ||
| Yeah, great town. | ||
| Artists, interesting. | ||
| The chicks are, like, smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's where all the strong men come from, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Big dudes out there. | ||
| All those Magnus von Magnussen-type dudes. | ||
| Blonde men. | ||
| Big fucking Viking leftovers. | ||
| I was hoping I had some Viking in me. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No, just strictly fucking Irish. | ||
| I was hoping I was one of those fucking Irish people who got raped by Vikings. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I'm probably a fucking Viking. | ||
| No, just a fucking mud person. | ||
| How far back can they tell? | ||
| Like, what happened to you? | ||
| Yeah, what percentage? | ||
| They're always updating it, too. | ||
| Like, 23andMe. | ||
| Thank God they didn't get bought by the Chinese. | ||
| Some other company bought 23andMe. | ||
| Now our date is safe again, boys. | ||
| I don't know what they're going to do with my sins. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're going to use it to make a fucking disease that only kills you. | ||
| They got your DNA now. | ||
| I got that. | ||
| I got that already. | ||
| It's gone fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, me and my whole island that I came from. | |
| I did Belfast. | ||
| You can't bring up the whole, you know. | ||
| Yeah, the Troubles, which is a cute name. | ||
| You can't bring it up. | ||
| You can't bring it up. | ||
| I don't know if it's how weird. | ||
| Kneecap's back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| Kneecap's back. | ||
| I put the wrong flag on Instagram, and I got like 20 messages like, take that shit down, we'll kill you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You can't put up any flag. | ||
| Don't put up flags. | ||
| If you put up a flag, you're going to get messages from somebody. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Spain has like three flags. | ||
| The pride flag. | ||
| Got me in trouble, too. | ||
| It's the whole month, boys. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, it's time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a lot less talk about it. | |
| Yeah, it's not everywhere anymore. | ||
| Every corporation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's funny. | |
| The corporation was like, oh, we don't have to anymore? | ||
| Turns out we were always... | ||
| We never once actually gave a fuck. | ||
| They gave a fuck for one month. | ||
| Is it still Pride Month? | ||
| Yeah, it just started. | ||
| Did Sean say no Pride Month? | ||
| Did Sean say no Pride Month? | ||
| I hope he doesn't say no Pride Month. | ||
| Well, you can't. | ||
| But the thing is, you can't. | ||
| If we decide to protect our parks month, who the fuck is going to tell us? | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's not an official thing. | ||
| Who are the officials at this point in time? | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| The gay overlords. | ||
| Prime month no more. | ||
| Trump administration says June is Title IX month. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That is the thing that allows women to compete with only women in sports. | ||
| Isn't Title IX where they have to get women's sports money? | ||
| Yeah, equal representation for women's sports. | ||
| And now Title IX is anti-trans? | ||
| It was pro-women. | ||
| It's pro-women and then there's trans women who think they're women and they want to compete with women and Title IX should be there protecting. | ||
| Some dude with a problem with his mom. | ||
| Yeah, some guy who hates women. | ||
| Some dude with a problem with his mom. | ||
| Some guy who had a rough time. | ||
| If you just were allowed to beat up women, if you made a league where men are allowed to fight women, how fucking scary is it? | ||
| Every morning I wake up, I go, ooh, you're lucky that my fucking league hasn't taken off yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You and me, fucking heavyweight title. | |
| Matt has a joke about it. | ||
| I think he did it in a special. | ||
| Yeah, where it's like he went to like Iran or something with his chair, and she was like, we're supposed to come here. | ||
| I was like, you let her talk to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| They're just like, oh, you're about to punch. | ||
| He's like, I'm going to take my baby on a nice vacation. | ||
| Yeah, some guy in the neighborhood might smack her in the head for you. | ||
| Some guy might walk by and just smack her if she's yelling at you. | ||
| You know Iran is one of the places that has the most gender transition surgeries? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, you know why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because you can't be gay. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So they just become trans. | ||
| A lot of religious loopholes. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See if that's true. | ||
| I love that moment. | ||
| You say something out loud, you're like, actually, that might not be. | ||
| I'm pretty sure we've actually looked it up before. | ||
| And so you're not gay, you're trans, so it's okay. | ||
| But they don't allow trans. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They do. | ||
| You just gotta wrap it up. | ||
| You gotta be convincing. | ||
| Wrap it up. | ||
| And drag queens. | ||
| Cover the face. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's so easy to be trans there. | ||
| You could be a furry. | ||
| That's what furries are all about. | ||
| You get a hatch. | ||
| You're just a hatch. | ||
| You pop the hatch. | ||
| You're fucking a squirrel. | ||
| That's what's going on. | ||
| You're just a happy chipmunk banging a squirrel. | ||
| Don't get me started on these good ideas. | ||
| Great ideas! | ||
| Everybody just looks like a cute cartoon character. | ||
| You never go eye to eye with anybody because they're soulless. | ||
| There's no eye there. | ||
| Sex reassignment surgery is not only legal in Iran, but Tehran is considered to be an international hub for obtaining it. | ||
| Guys, let's go. | ||
| The procedure's been allowed since Ayatollah Khomeini. | ||
| But the first, the mental part, was Ruhola. | ||
| I've never heard that. | ||
| Khomeini learned of the hardships of trans women and issued a religious decree to legalize it in the mid-1980s. | ||
| What? | ||
| During the Italian Ayatollah Khomeini's rule? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| So it's illegal to be gay. | ||
| But you can switch genders. | ||
| Because that's what's really going on. | ||
| You're not really a gay man. | ||
| That's impossible. | ||
| Every time I read these Muslim Sharia things, I go, God damn, they're the bros. | ||
| It's just bro law. | ||
| They're like, dude, come on, man. | ||
| You can't be gay, but you can be a chick. | ||
| You can be a chick. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Alright, let's go. | ||
| Surgery. | ||
| Our guys are good at it. | ||
| We've been doing it since the 80s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Wow. | ||
| The 80s? | ||
| Yeah, we use a Kirby sword. | ||
| We slice your penis. | ||
| By the way, every October 7th. | ||
| Everybody's cat's trans. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| You have a male cat. | ||
| You castrate them. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| Because you leave them in the house. | ||
| If your cat goes in the house, they'll pee all over your fucking house. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| They will mark every spot in your house. | ||
| You have to cut their balls off. | ||
| I'm just trying to get Norman to say this. | ||
| R. Kelly. | ||
| It's amazing how many cats there are out there, because every male cat gets his balls chopped off. | ||
| That's true, but the straight cats do all the fucking. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They do a lot of fucking talk. | ||
| Pick up the slack. | ||
| They do a lot of fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I think cat dicks have barbs on them. | ||
| Do you ever see that video where the crow talks these two cats into fighting each other? | ||
| He fucks with them. | ||
| He fucks with one cat and then he flies over to the other roof and fucks with the other cat. | ||
| He gets them fully worked up, fully worked up, and then they fucking start duking it out. | ||
| And the crow flies down. | ||
| He goes down while they're screaming. | ||
| He's like a ref. | ||
| He's fucking Herb Dean. | ||
| He loved it. | ||
| He instigated it, got it to happen, and was a fucking willing participant. | ||
| We should be using crows. | ||
| They're so smart. | ||
| They're crazy smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Crazy smart. | ||
| We gotta harness that. | ||
| Just befriending them. | ||
| I mean, Edgar Allan Poe figured that out way back in the day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crowbar. | |
| Ravens and crows. | ||
| They're so fucking intelligent. | ||
| He had it. | ||
| Edgar Allan the bro. | ||
| Crowing machine. | ||
| Edgar Allan the bro. | ||
| He starts fucking with this one cat. | ||
| Just get real close to him. | ||
| Just kind of pecking at him. | ||
| Fuck out. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you, bitch? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| What the fuck is just fucking with him? | ||
| Just completely riling up, pecking at him. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| And just jumping just out of the way. | ||
| He knows how fast he is. | ||
| He knows how fast he can. | ||
| He's like, not quick enough, bitch. | ||
| Go get that one. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And so he gets over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, fuck it up, that's guy! | |
| Fight, fight, fight. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Before that, though, he went over to the other side and was fucking with that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| They fall off the roof. | ||
| And then he goes down and follows him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Still go at it. | |
| Still getting after it. | ||
| They don't stop when they fall 30 feet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're still duking it out, man. | ||
| Just duking it out. | ||
| And then they go down those stairs. | ||
| Look at that little hole. | ||
| Look, they're going to fall down the hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Still duking it out. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| They're going after it, son. | ||
| That's a fight to the death. | ||
| They do love jujitsu, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're good from their back. | |
| They lay on their back and kick up. | ||
| They scratch the fuck out of each other. | ||
| My outdoor cat would come home with just deep scratches over his ears. | ||
| His ears were all tattered. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| That's a funny idea. | ||
| And if they get locked when they're having sex, they get stuck. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Because they're a barbed dick. | ||
| I've seen dogs do that. | ||
| Wait, dogs what? | ||
| Dogs have the same thing. | ||
| They're just stuck with a hard dick. | ||
| It's honestly like every one I stand. | ||
| You're like, I want to get out of here. | ||
| We're the only mammals, I think, that don't have a bone for the dick because otherwise we just use it constantly. | ||
| Speak for yourself. | ||
| Dog's fucked. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beagles. | |
| Alright, we've reached. | ||
| This is exactly where this podcast goes. | ||
| I don't even know how you get them unstuck. | ||
| Do you throw cold water on them? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| It's like antlers. | ||
| How do they get unstuck? | ||
| They gotta go back to the right position? | ||
| You gotta wait. | ||
| Wait till the dick goes soft. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| But it's just a bone. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you see dogs fucking on the side of the road. | ||
| It looks pleasant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No one's ever said that before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've all seen it. | |
| Like, hey, look at that. | ||
| Looks like a good time. | ||
| No one's ever said that. | ||
| That's pleasant. | ||
| That's like a warm cup of tea. | ||
| I don't think I've ever seen dogs actually fucking. | ||
| Oh, I've seen it all the time. | ||
| I see it at a dog park all the time, and it's so funny because the dog park. | ||
| The owners get like, hey, I'm so sorry. | ||
| And the dog's like, leave us alone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We don't care. | ||
| But you never see a dog like, woo! | ||
| The owner's like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kind of calm. | ||
| They just do it real quick and get out of there. | ||
| Yeah, like a Mormon. | ||
| The girl dogs aren't upset. | ||
| I saw a video of these bulldogs fucking and it made me actually kind of sad. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Find a sad bulldog's fucking. | ||
| What was sad about it? | ||
| You'll see. | ||
| It's a tale of all this time. | ||
| Genetically fucking twisted. | ||
| Just makes you feel the type of way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't want to give you. | ||
| Yeah, there's a twist on this. | ||
| There's a shame twist on this video. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| No, nothing that bad. | ||
| It's just, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Oh, baby. | ||
| What went wrong with this bulldog? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| It's just a guy dog trying to talk to a girl and then another guy comes in and he's like, hey, what's up? | ||
| And they run off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And then the camera pans over and they're fucking again and then goes back to the bulldog. | ||
| He's sad. | ||
| Oh, I've been there. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Yeah, we've all been there. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| So, but J-Mo's quicker. | ||
| Bulldog's fucking sad. | ||
| J-Mo's losing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought he was going to nail that. | |
| J-Mo's losing. | ||
| He has a different algorithm than you. | ||
| He started describing a different thing. | ||
| We were talking about dogs stuck together, so I'm looking for two dogs stuck together, and now you said it was a third dog. | ||
| Guy gets one velvet suit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three-way, yeah. | |
| Talking back. | ||
| You ever see a lady fuck a dog on the internet? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I saw one on VHS tape when I was 18. Me too! | ||
| It really does something. | ||
| Best day of my life. | ||
| It was a German Shepherd. | ||
| This lady was fucking a German Shepherd. | ||
| It's always a goddamn German Shepherd. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Always. | ||
| I saw two guys get in a fight, Jim Painter and Carboni, and we were all watching a dog fucking a chick, and Jim was like, she has nice tits. | ||
| And Pete Carboni was like, "What the fuck? | ||
| She's getting fucked by a dog!" And he's like, "That has nothing to do with the tits! | ||
| The tits are nice! | ||
| What does that have to do with it?" I'm glad they had that argument. | ||
| That's everybody's internal. | ||
| They really had an argument about it? | ||
| Yeah, about whether her tits were nice or not. | ||
| She's being fucked up about it. | ||
| He needs to leave the room. | ||
| No, I had that fight in my head when I saw it. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Two sides of me were going, "What the fuck are you watching? | ||
| This is disgusting. | ||
| That lady should be put down." And then the other side of me is going, "It's fucking nice." Same with chick with dick. | ||
| You're like, "Eh." The balls are a problem. | ||
| Some guys get to a point where that's the only thing that turns them on. | ||
| Big tits and a hard-on. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Yeah, best of both worlds. | ||
| Get crazy. | ||
| Plus, you want someone who never says no. | ||
| You want someone who wants it all the time. | ||
| Oh, you want to fuck? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I was into it. | ||
| Apparently, yeah. | ||
| He's like, I have a religious decree, dude. | ||
| Trans is fucking sick. | ||
| Let me be the first to try them. | ||
| Buy it, Dola. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| Alright, the Bulldog video is not good enough for us to take this time. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| It's falling out of favor. | ||
| I think Jamie's not looking enough because he's still worried about that money you owe him. | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| He owes me more money. | ||
| He owes me money for what? | ||
| I saved you. | ||
| It's back. | ||
| Leave it to the Jew to bring up the debt. | ||
| The debt is owed. | ||
| That debt is owed. | ||
| Oh, I definitely paid him the debt back. | ||
| I flew him back from the game. | ||
| He brought confetti onto the fucking flight. | ||
| I was telling someone the other day about how when you were a struggling comic, you would make a living going to those poker tournaments. | ||
| It definitely wasn't, comedy wasn't paying. | ||
| He was making a living playing poker. | ||
| What was this, a year ago? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wham! | |
| Yeah, the drunk Mexicans on Fridays. | ||
| Just steal money off them. | ||
| You can just say Mexicans. | ||
| They would just go all in with the Jack Dudes. | ||
| You didn't have to get so descriptive. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| That was how you were making a living. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I don't think I've ever met anybody who reasonably approached gambling. | ||
| This is how I'm going to use this as a job. | ||
| You're the first guy that I ever met that used poker. | ||
| You played it professionally. | ||
| You were intelligent about it. | ||
| It's the mathematicians. | ||
| My math wasn't great. | ||
| These other guys are crazy. | ||
| They know the exact note. | ||
| But mine, compared to just a regular, I was pretty good. | ||
| And you took all the money from the poor, drunk Mexicans? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You really are a Jew. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Texas. | ||
| That wasn't even funny enough for them. | ||
| That one's gonna get you in trouble. | ||
| Yeah, it's an equalizer. | ||
| You play with the fucking owner of the Lakers, didn't know what was gonna become, and then like Jose Canseco was there, but you're all equal. | ||
| What? | ||
| You're all buying for the same. | ||
| And then I just started smoking weed. | ||
| At the time, I could see through people when I was high. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you see something, right? | ||
| You're just like, got it. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| Yeah, it was nice. | ||
| What happens if you've never won? | ||
| You've got to pay the rent. | ||
| Well, I play with the bank. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| So whatever I had already won a little bit, it's like you're just playing out of there. | ||
| And so when you win big, you see all these guys kind of looking at you as you're going to cash in, and you're just like, uh, can you keep this money here for me for next time? | ||
| And you're like, yeah. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| I need to walk to my car. | ||
| They'll trail you all the time. | ||
| They'll trail you. | ||
| They'll pull you over six blocks out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| 100%. | ||
| You're leaving with $12,000 on a fucking second place victory at fucking Hustler Casino or Hollywood Park. | ||
| Man, so sad. | ||
| That's a better idea than being good at poker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right. | ||
| Just get a gun. | ||
| Just follow something. | ||
| You want to go, all right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's easy. | ||
| So glad I'm having a gambling addiction. | ||
| Shady times. | ||
| It's a scary addiction. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't have it. | ||
| I don't either. | ||
| It's fun to gamble on sports a little. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I don't have the... | ||
| Same. | ||
| For some people, it's like a thrill. | ||
| And there's nothing else in their life that gives them a thrill. | ||
| They got a job. | ||
| The job sucks. | ||
| They got a family they don't like. | ||
| And they go out and they fucking risk it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Risk it all. | ||
| They're fucking shaking. | ||
| And they can't wait to do it again. | ||
| We'd go after spots. | ||
| And then we'd go like midnight one. | ||
| Go down there. | ||
| And then if you played for like five hours, you're alright. | ||
| Leave. | ||
| If it's seven, you're like, hey, it's rush hour. | ||
| That means you gotta play for ten. | ||
| You gotta miss rush hour to get back. | ||
| You'd just be there forever. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, and it's a 24-hour-a-day deal. | ||
| Oh, yeah, there's no windows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No windows. | |
| It's just like... | ||
| Different world of people, too. | ||
| Real degenerates. | ||
| Sitting around with sunglasses, drinking. | ||
| Same as the pool hall people. | ||
| Probably those are worse, probably. | ||
| Same humans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At least the pool hall people have some skill. | ||
| You get to know each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, oh, you're a regular as you talk all the time. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| So we're like enemies, but we're being friendly. | ||
| That was pool hall banter. | ||
| It was all guys who were trying to rob other guys. | ||
| Like, I can't play you even. | ||
| I need the eight ball. | ||
| And they'd be sitting around talking forever. | ||
| Everyone's got a gambling addiction. | ||
| It's like, who can hold out the longest? | ||
| It's like two guys with a boner. | ||
| Like, ah, we can't fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, no. | |
| Let's fuck. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| They're like, hold off to try to get a better deal. | ||
| And you were in there. | ||
| That was funny when we were in the car, and we were talking about you playing pool all the time, and he was just like, I'm a psycho. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's a psycho. | |
| We'd go out to shows and be like, let's go play pool. | ||
| It's like something to do, you know, after a show. | ||
| Okay, cool, an hour or two, seven. | ||
| At some point he was like, Joe, can we please get out of here? | ||
| I have a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, but it's a good problem. | ||
| It's good problems. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a problem like I smoke crack. | ||
| My problem is when I lock on something, time goes away. | ||
| Yeah, you can catch heroin or you can catch fission. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a better one. | ||
| Fishing's a better one. | ||
| Pool's a better one. | ||
| Pool's a good one because you can only do it physically for so long. | ||
| Whereas video games, you can play video games 12 hours in a row. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| No problem. | ||
| All you're doing is sitting. | ||
| Keeps you up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Drink Mountain Dew. | ||
| It keeps you totally dialed in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got explosions going off in your ear. | ||
| You're gunning folks down. | ||
| You're running down hallways. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| One more level. | ||
| One more level. | ||
| And then it's four hours past. | ||
| Why am I going to bed? | ||
| Got the headset on, he called a guy Mumbai a fag. | ||
| You need a job in the morning that you have to get up for, otherwise you're scared. | ||
| Or a girlfriend. | ||
| Or a girlfriend. | ||
| Or a girlfriend gets mad at you. | ||
| Are you fucking serious? | ||
| It's four in the morning. | ||
| Come to bed. | ||
| I had a call of duty problem. | ||
| I had oversleep spots. | ||
| You go to sleep at like 4pm. | ||
| You know, just like up, up, up. | ||
| And then you're like, oh fuck, I missed my spot because I was sleeping. | ||
| Man, you've lived a lot of lives. | ||
| Dude, they're gonna put a fucking helmet on you one day. | ||
| And are you prepared to engage? | ||
| Oh, that's coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You're going to be in the world. | ||
| Like, fully in the world. | ||
| Bombs going off. | ||
| You're running down a dirty street hoping that this is not real life. | ||
| That if you die, you're going to respawn. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Bullets are flying by. | ||
| breaking the bricks behind your head. | ||
| But Westworld, you could die. | ||
| You can tell, but the people didn't know that they were robots. | ||
| They thought they were in the game. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But they were like, whoa, who am I? | ||
| That's going to happen, man. | ||
| We're all ones and zeros. | ||
| We've been in the AI for a long time. | ||
| Did you hear that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're in the simulation. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I'm kind of willing to do that. | ||
| Humanity ended hundreds of years ago, but they mined us for our info. | ||
| Well, this is just what reality is. | ||
| I think we have a version of reality that's not real. | ||
| The real reality is we're in a gigantic computer simulation. | ||
| Damn, I couldn't have gotten a bigger dick. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| That's what you get if you want that sense of humor. | ||
| Yeah, what happens? | ||
| Make the average eight. | ||
| It is kind of crazy that they've come up with so many medications, not one to grow a dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| There's probably a bunch of guys that don't want it. | ||
| You can't give them big dicks. | ||
| Because if you give them big dicks, if it's only a couple hundred bucks... | ||
| Nobody's gonna do a single thing. | ||
| Pussy so big they'll have to flop down to freedom. | ||
| Yeah, flying squirrel pussy people. | ||
| Remember that bit? | ||
| That's old school. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was old school. | |
| Yeah, it's a weird thing. | ||
| Stick around in a shopping cart. | ||
| If you have... | ||
| Like you're trying to stop people from getting just massive. | ||
| That's why China's so angry. | ||
| Little dicks are pissing them off. | ||
| Dude, they're using CRISPR now. | ||
| I bet they've got giant dicks. | ||
| We just haven't seen it yet. | ||
| What's CRISPR? | ||
| Genetic engineering. | ||
| They're editing people's genes. | ||
| That's the number one thing. | ||
| Give my son a big dick. | ||
| Let's see what happens. | ||
| Give a big dick a super brain. | ||
| They supposedly inoculated these kids from HIV. | ||
| They kept them from getting HIV, but in the process made them more intelligent. | ||
| Like, dude, I know what you're doing. | ||
| You're making them more intelligent. | ||
| Oopsie. | ||
| We also made them way more intelligent. | ||
| They're like, "You're not supposed to do that." So they put the guy in jail for a couple years. | ||
| Now he's back, kicking ass again. | ||
| He was like their top dude, their top genetic guy. | ||
| Like, "Yeah, you're gonna be in jail." And in jail, you get millions of dollars in hookers. | ||
| In jail, in jail, you get your dick sucked every day and you're eating roast beef. | ||
| Fuckin'jail. | ||
| In jail, jail sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh wait. | |
| You're a bad boy, you did a good job. | ||
| Hear me out here, maybe this is the shrooms talking, but I think the dick size you have makes you who you are. | ||
| Because you've got to overcome. | ||
| Tell it to that lady who was beating up on chicks in the Olympics. | ||
| All right. | ||
| How big was her dick? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That was a tiny dick. | ||
| That's a tiny dick move is to become great. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| To beat up women. | ||
| Kevin Hart syndrome. | ||
| Tiny dick. | ||
| Oh, how dare you. | ||
| I can't beat up men because I'll go, don't you have a small dick? | ||
| You're like, damn it, good point. | ||
| And they leave to find a woman to beat up. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| I'm telling you, you've got to work with what you've got. | ||
| If you have the choice through CRISPR, how big your son's dick's going to be. | ||
| You gotta give him a medium. | ||
| Medium? | ||
| Don't go crazy. | ||
| You can't go crazy. | ||
| He'll dominate your house. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| What'd you say to me? | ||
| 15-year-old with 12-inch dick. | ||
| He'll supplant you. | ||
| I said clean your room! | ||
| I paid for that dick, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gave you that dick, you motherfucker. | |
| Yeah, you created a monster? | ||
| Well, having a son is probably a lot like having a wild dog, where you have to train him, get him exercising every day, wear him out, get him calm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Realize, like, hey, fella, I know you're ready to go all the time. | ||
| That's what we got to do. | ||
| We got to burn that out of you every day so you'd be a good citizen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you're just fucking not paying attention, then you got a wild teenager. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'll shoot at school. | |
| It must be crazy. | ||
| Yeah, if you have a son, you just have to get him to not shoot up or rape until they understand why both of them are wrong. | ||
| Has there ever been a jacked school shooter? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| Not one. | ||
| They don't need it. | ||
| Has there ever been one that's not on medication? | ||
| Not one. | ||
| Every school shooter looks like Michael Moore. | ||
| Thomas Matthew Crooks had a huge hog. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| The guy who shot Trump. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Huge hog. | ||
| The kid? | ||
| Every one of those guys. | ||
| The 20-year-old kid? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you know he had a huge hog? | ||
| Oh, it's all over the 4chan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I sucked him off on the roof. | |
| That's why he couldn't get away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, we took a shot at my old hog. | |
| He didn't miss my mouth. | ||
| Don't you want to come in my mouth? | ||
| I will say, I didn't miss my mouth. | ||
| It was like those two handles locked on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, don't get away. | |
| The school shooters do have giant dick builds, though. | ||
| Yeah, skinny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| They're all tall, skinny, weird guys. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Alien bodies. | ||
| Bro, there was this guy who was a professor of mathematics at MIT, and I did Taekwondo with him. | ||
| I don't want to say his name, but if I tell you his name, it's even more hilarious. | ||
| And this guy had a donkey dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Everybody would change in the locker room. | ||
| We would change. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He's like this really kind of uncoordinated, like crazy hair. | ||
| He had the Jufro, the whole deal. | ||
| He had a dick that was like a solid limp nine inches. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It was a giant dick with giant balls. | ||
| And everybody would see it and be like, what the fuck? | ||
| And his wife never left his side. | ||
| She was protecting that diamond. | ||
| She had that diamond dick everywhere she went. | ||
| It was like a dog with a bone. | ||
| She was always there at every training session. | ||
| We traveled with him to tournaments. | ||
| She wasn't going nowhere. | ||
| Did the dick ever hit you on the mat? | ||
| You're like, Jesus. | ||
| No, it was type 1. You gotta wear a cup. | ||
| You're wearing a cup. | ||
| It's all tucked away. | ||
| Could you call it out at the locker room? | ||
| Could you go, Jesus, Harry. | ||
| No, it's the one thing you didn't talk about. | ||
| You wear cups of jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| I gotta wear a pitcher. | ||
| You need to easily. | ||
| Some guys don't. | ||
| Some guys don't. | ||
| But I got a need in the balls too many times. | ||
| That's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, man. | |
| A pitcher. | ||
| It is funny. | ||
| It's very funny when you see one of your buddies has a huge dick. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It changes the dynamic. | ||
| And people with huge dicks don't like talking about it. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| You ever make fun of a guy for having a big dick? | ||
| They're like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Big dick embarrassment. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's like you with your shoulders. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You get jacked. | ||
| It's not a big deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| You get jacked. | ||
| Yeah, the huge dong is a game changer. | ||
| It's like when you see your friend playing the piano. | ||
| You're like, well, where'd this go from? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's a weird thing. | ||
| That's a weird skill to have. | ||
| Piano? | ||
| Yeah, when someone sits down and all of a sudden they can play, and you're like, you never told me? | ||
| It's funny to see any friend who has awesome skill. | ||
| Hinchcliffe can play piano. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| And drums. | ||
| He fucking checks out. | ||
| And drums. | ||
| Piano checks out. | ||
| He plays drums. | ||
| But he sits down and just starts playing piano. | ||
| You're like, where'd this come from? | ||
| Plays the skin flute. | ||
| That's the trombone. | ||
| The old rusty trombone. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the extracurricular skills off stand-up is interesting. | ||
| Bobby Lee can dance well and skate. | ||
| No. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I bet he plays the fuck out of some video games. | ||
| Yeah, and some math. | ||
| Yeah, certain guys are just good at other sports. | ||
| Andy Haynes can shred on skis. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's certain guys that are just like, what's this other thing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| O 'Connor was D1 lacrosse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Man, Penn State? | ||
| Drexel. | ||
| Nice! | ||
| You were thinking Duke. | ||
| I got my legs mixed up. | ||
| Michael Kosta! | ||
| Michael Kosta, professional tennis player. | ||
| He was like a really good tennis player. | ||
| 1200th of the world. | ||
| Which doesn't sound good, but it's pretty good. | ||
| How about Voss being like a karate guy? | ||
| You see those pictures? | ||
| What? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's a golf guy. | ||
| It was like right when he started doing crack. | ||
| Oh, Jeff Ross. | ||
| No, Voss. | ||
| Oh, Jeff Ross is a black belt in Taekwondo. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You with Poole. | ||
| It's like there's people that can do something like what? | ||
| There's a photo of him throwing a kick. | ||
| He's got a jerry curl. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| And he just got addicted to fucking crack. | ||
| He was doing karate. | ||
| Let me see his form. | ||
| Let me see his form. | ||
| Let me see if you can find the photo. | ||
| Do you remember about kicking that guy? | ||
| Some young cop was trying to get in with him and be cool and he was making fun of his kid. | ||
| Just too familiar. | ||
| Jason Kanner. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| He doesn't care. | ||
| He just kicked him. | ||
| Boss kicked him. | ||
| Broke his ribs. | ||
| Boss fucking rules. | ||
| Broke his ribs. | ||
| He was like, actually, nah, Jason. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Just broke a rib. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| His drug stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Broke his ribs? | |
| Horse kicked him like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, at the Caroline's Christmas party. | ||
| Fucking front kicked him at a Christmas party. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I think I heard Jason was like, no, I was out of line. | ||
| He was. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| 2009. | ||
| Wow, that's a risky time. | ||
| Risky time to be front kicking people. | ||
| The internet exists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can front kick people in the 80s. | ||
| No one's gonna believe you. | ||
| You got any DNA? | ||
| You got nothing. | ||
| You got a story? | ||
| Yeah, what was that like? | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| Nobody knew anything. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Barkley threw a guy through a window at a bar. | ||
| What? | ||
| Charles? | ||
| But there's no video. | ||
| He could just do it. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Threw a guy through a window is dangerous. | ||
| Bro, that's how people die. | ||
| I'd love to, too. | ||
| Cut your neck, glass. | ||
| I mean, the way you die, he's talking shit to fucking Charles Barkley. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Giant super high. | ||
| I might be 6 '5", but I rebound like 6 '9". | ||
| So, quiet. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| Also, that guy fucking punches you? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You get punched by an NBA player? | ||
| If you're going to bother me, I'm going to whip your ass. | ||
| Charles Bucky threw a man through a glass window. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Imagine, like, you're just some dummy who just thinks you can just talk shit to a guy forever, and then this 300-pound giant man just grabs you and throws you away like you're a cushion on a couch. | ||
| He just chucks you. | ||
| It's like the guy on the flight who tried to fuck with Tyson. | ||
| Tyson, yeah. | ||
| Well, that's wonderful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's dudes out there sitting back and watching Charles Barkley become the coolest guy of all time. | ||
| So funny. | ||
| That guy's sitting there like, I bothered him once at a bar and he threw me through a window. | ||
| I hated him my whole life. | ||
| And then you watch him on TV, you're like, fuck, he's the coolest guy. | ||
| He's so cool. | ||
| He's literally the coolest guy. | ||
| I love when he was going to do the play-by-play or color, whatever, for L.I.V. | ||
| The colored comment. | ||
| For a live golf, and they were like, well, that's evil. | ||
| He goes, where did you get your money from? | ||
| Don't you all do, like, iPhone ads? | ||
| Like, that's easy on the judgment. | ||
| That's an interesting Charles Barkley. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It wasn't the best impression. | |
| Kimmel is the best one. | ||
| This is a pretty crazy story. | ||
| The guy says, you're not going to do shit. | ||
| You're nothing but a big-ass pussy. | ||
| The taunt set Barkley off. | ||
| William reached for his radio to call for backup. | ||
| Oh, the cop. | ||
| According to the police report, as he released his grip, he felt Lugo escape, except the 20-year-old hadn't gotten away. | ||
| I felt the victim being pulled from my grasp, Williams wrote in the account of the incident. | ||
| I looked up and I saw Barkley holding the victim up in the air by his arm. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| What did he say to perceive that? | ||
| He flung him like he was a toy. | ||
| He says, do you know who the fuck I am? | ||
| Do you know who the fuck I am? | ||
| In a matter of seconds, Charles chucked Lugo through the plate glass window. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Even if he don't know who he is, he's 6 '9". | ||
| Flung him like he was a toy. | ||
| Flung him like he was a toy. | ||
| Right before this too, the cops told him not to go up to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just gonna talk to him, I don't wanna I just wanna talk to him." "I won't hurt him, Charles assured the officer. | |
| I just wanna talk to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god." And the officer's like, "Okay, you can just talk to him within arm's reach." And the guy says, "You're not gonna do shit. | |
| You're nothing but a big-ass pussy." Bro, there's people like that out there in the world, you know? | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, "You're rich." You're like, "I wasn't raised rich, so that's who I am." You guys have seen the video of Joe Schilling knocking that guy out in a bar? | |
| No! | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So there's this asshole at a bar, he's being rude, and apparently he was being rude all night, and Joe Schilling, who's a multiple-time world champion kickboxer, walks by this guy, and the guy, like, tries to, like, make him flinch, and Joe just goes, da-da-da! | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| So there's this guy drinking, having a good time, being an asshole, talking about beating somebody in arm wrestling or whatever, and He just touches him. | ||
| You know, nothing. | ||
| He says something to him. | ||
| He turns around. | ||
| Oh, that was quick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he's a world champion kickboxer. | ||
| You can't flinch on a guy. | ||
| That guy's trained. | ||
| He was out of his... | ||
| He delayed himself four seconds. | ||
| I don't think it was four. | ||
| I don't think it's four. | ||
| I mean, he knew the guy was out. | ||
| Like, look. | ||
| Okay, here, one. | ||
| He just passes by, and he calls him back. | ||
| Oh, that step forward. | ||
| The step forward with the chin up the door. | ||
| It's like, you can't do that to a guy like that. | ||
| He comes at him with, like, you want them? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's scary, because that could happen to anybody. | |
| So he had to go to court for that, and he won. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because it's Florida. | ||
| It's like staying your ground. | ||
| Florida does rule. | ||
| They have some good rules. | ||
| I love Florida. | ||
| What was that medicine they give you during COVID? | ||
| I forgot the name of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ivermectin. | |
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| The treatment. | ||
| Monoclonal antibodies? | ||
| That. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I was trying to remember. | ||
| Yeah, they banned that in a lot of places. | ||
| They stopped people from getting that. | ||
| I had a whole podcast about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got it. | |
| Yeah, you got it. | ||
| I got it to a lot of people. | ||
| When I was down there, you were like, oh, thank God, you're in Florida. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Do this. | ||
| There's places they wouldn't give it to you. | ||
| They restricted it. | ||
| Florida was pretty good during the pandemic. | ||
| They were a good place to go. | ||
| Did a lot of comedy there. | ||
| That's where I caught COVID. | ||
| That's where I got it, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's where I was. | |
| Thank God you got rid of that. | ||
| A lot of your people down there. | ||
| Jews? | ||
| Olds. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They don't come to shows. | ||
| They like to relax. | ||
| Go to Miami and relax. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| A place built on cocaine. | ||
| Imagine. | ||
| Cocaine, Jews, trannies. | ||
| And Hulk Hogan, Carole Baskin, Scientology. | ||
| A lot of rented Lamborghinis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| A lot of rented Lamborghinis. | ||
| Before I got to the store, somebody pulled up in a limousine. | ||
| I was a door guy. | ||
| And I was like, ooh, who's this? | ||
| And the manager's already been jaded. | ||
| He goes, somebody with $50. | ||
| Already jaded. | ||
| The jaded guy. | ||
| When I got there, Harris Pete was the most jaded guy of all time. | ||
| Maybe of all time. | ||
| Of all time. | ||
| He had been through all the eras, and he was like, you gotta impress the shit out of Harris Pete. | ||
| Made a deal with, the rumor was, Leno and Letterman said, hey, all three of us, whoever makes it will take care of the other ones. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Does that sound like a deal you would make? | ||
| Sounds like a deal you make one night while you're drinking. | ||
| Not a real deal. | ||
| We're all in this together. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| The guy who kind of sucks. | ||
| The guy who kind of sucks. | ||
| One of us is going to make it. | ||
| You bring us with you. | ||
| It's Shane Gillis, Dave Chappelle. | ||
| We're all in this together, boys. | ||
| We said we were in this together. | ||
| Like, hey, hey, hey. | ||
| You promised. | ||
| I said get away. | ||
| I said get me a beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds like a promise. | |
| Relax. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| We did the Boston Comedy Fest, and we were all in the finals, and we were like, alright, whoever wins, because the pot was 10 grand, which was enormous at that level, and we were like, whoever wins, we'll split it up this way, that way, you get first, second. | ||
| One guy was off in the shadows. | ||
| We're like, he's not going to make it. | ||
| This guy sucks. | ||
| He's no good. | ||
| That guy's definitely going to win. | ||
| He won. | ||
| He gave the whole thing to Boston Strong. | ||
| We all hated him. | ||
| What's Boston Strong? | ||
| The marathon. | ||
| It was that year. | ||
| What an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a piece of shit. | |
| Did he ever make it as a comic? | ||
| Yeah, he's hilarious. | ||
| He's a really funny guy. | ||
| But at the time, we're like, this guy's going nowhere. | ||
| And then he won. | ||
| Yeah, anytime I've done a comedy competition, the guy who's sitting by himself and quiet, you go, fuck. | ||
| He's doing the math. | ||
| He's not here having fun. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| We're all hungover and drinking. | ||
| This little Indian kid. | ||
| They used to have this thing called the Boston Comedy Riot. | ||
| It was like the biggest comedy competition. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The WBCN radio would host it. | ||
| It was the Boston Comedy Riot. | ||
| It was like in the 1980s. | ||
| WBCN. | ||
| The Boston and the Seattle competitions were the big ones. | ||
| They never did either one of them. | ||
| But it was like weeks long, so you had to either keep going up there or be there. | ||
| Yeah, Seattle was like that. | ||
| It was hell. | ||
| So you have to be a guy with no life. | ||
| Or a Seattle resident. | ||
| Yeah, or a Seattle resident. | ||
| Willing to hang in there for the long haul. | ||
| For the golden prize of being the winner of the Seattle competition. | ||
| I think I lost one to Sam. | ||
| Yeah, I did a bunch at the beginning. | ||
| Which Sam? | ||
| Atlanta, Muriel. | ||
| I think he ended up winning. | ||
| I think we're both in the final. | ||
| Oh, the Laughing Skull. | ||
| He did win that. | ||
| Did they just kick them out? | ||
| Did the Vortex just kick out the Laughing Skull? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think the vortex said, like, you guys gotta go, the owner's gotta go. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You gotta pee. | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| You know why? | ||
| That was a great little room. | ||
| That was. | ||
| It's just a headline. | ||
| 85 seats. | ||
| Great, great little room. | ||
| Fun room. | ||
| Someone's gotta film the special. | ||
| There's no space for cameras, but someone still had to. | ||
| I think someone filmed something there. | ||
| I think I've seen stuff from there. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great comedy. | ||
| Yeah, what happened? | ||
| There was this headline I kind of passed by for a second. | ||
| You ever do those? | ||
| And then go, and you're like, I actually read that one. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, the headlines. | ||
| You think, you're just getting overwhelmed by headlines. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| There's so much, oh, that's important, but maybe not as important as the next one. | ||
| I'm going to scroll down a little bit. | ||
| But it all goes into your brain. | ||
| And you know the headlines are all lies. | ||
| They're all lies. | ||
| Made by some other, not the writer. | ||
| So you're like, oh, okay, I guess it's that. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you write a really good article, someone could fuck it up with some misleading shit in the headline. | ||
| Laughing Skull Lounge founder will leave the Vortex after 16 years. | ||
| Sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That was a great room. | ||
| After two decades, they're splitting up. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| There'll be no Laughing Skull or just the guys out? | ||
| I think... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| What does it mean for the lounge? | ||
| We'll still be open in the vortex, but... | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| The founder and team will be exploring other comedy avenues in the city. | ||
| So they'll do another laughing skull somewhere else. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Nobody cares about the name. | ||
| Wow, that room. | ||
| It's the venue. | ||
| Well, they know how to do it, though. | ||
| They'll probably find one that's like it. | ||
| Nah, the rooms are important. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The size of a room. | |
| It's not a Chipotle. | ||
| You can't just reproduce it somewhere. | ||
| But you might be able to find a similar size room. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| I mean, Atlanta's got a lot of... | ||
| They have a giant email list. | ||
| Why are you so pessimistic? | ||
| No, because the actual room, the old stand versus the new stand, they're different. | ||
| The La Jolla Comedy Store versus the regular comedy store. | ||
| The Comedy Store versus the main room. | ||
| Those are different rooms. | ||
| Elliot Page. | ||
| Yeah, Elliot versus Elliot. | ||
| So it's like, you can't reproduce that. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you can make... | |
| The little boy in the mothership. | ||
| Those are different. | ||
| Yeah, but we made that. | ||
| That's a new room, and it's a tiny little room just like that. | ||
| It's the same kind of thing. | ||
| It's like, you just know how to do it right. | ||
| You can be recreated. | ||
| The location is big, like what kind of people are in that area already, Yep, yep. | ||
| It's funny how a room has a feel, like the OR. | ||
| In the store has such a weird feel. | ||
| It's a specific. | ||
| Smoke is built into the walls. | ||
| evils built into the walls. | ||
| It's also like there's something good about the The good about it is it's chaos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chaos. | |
| The show's chaos. | ||
| That room is a chaos room. | ||
| Diaz used to have the most chaos in that room. | ||
| Diaz would crush in the main room, but there's something about Diaz when he would go on stage in the fucking OR late at night when no one cared. | ||
| It just doesn't matter. | ||
| It just doesn't matter. | ||
| And then he would go and crush it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would go crush it. | ||
| He would go crush it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'd love to see him in that little of a room. | ||
| A few people know what that means. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you're sick. | |
| And then he would shake his pants until his dick came out. | ||
| You sick fuck. | ||
| Oh, he came back with the bong. | ||
| It's just plastic. | ||
| It's just plastic made in America. | ||
| Hold on, I gotta piss. | ||
| Don't start it before I get that. | ||
| I won't. | ||
| Thank God you're leaving to piss. | ||
| We're trying to keep them from you. | ||
| We had a triple wash this fucking pitcher because Norman pissed at it once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| I forgot about that. | ||
| We've had some really rough ones. | ||
| We've had some rippers. | ||
| Like, to the point where when it's, like, Protect Our Parks Day, I'm like... | ||
| It's like a marathon. | ||
| But American needs it. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| The boys need it. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They tell me all the time. | ||
| I see them out in the streets. | ||
| I said, when? | ||
| When? | ||
| When's Protect Our Parks coming back? | ||
| They say it all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| That's the first, when I do those Q&As after shows sometimes. | ||
| Like, number one question. | ||
| When's the next one? | ||
| When's the next Protect Our Parks? | ||
| But they take a year off your life, so you've got to spread them out a little bit. | ||
| You know, it's like, what's that? | ||
| The Tough Mudder. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You can't do them every weekend. | ||
| That one photo from the one where I had like 25 or 26 beers. | ||
| Every once in a while I see the photo, I'm like, oh my god. | ||
| What a nightmare that was. | ||
| But that is what people genuinely need. | ||
| They need bros. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Having a good time as bros. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| With no restrictions. | ||
| Because they're doing it. | ||
| They want to. | ||
| If they can't, they wish they could. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They want to. | ||
| Everybody wants to. | ||
| I grew up doing this shit. | ||
| Every man wants to have fun. | ||
| I was really hoping I would stop doing this at some point. | ||
| No, never. | ||
| This was my first party in the woods in high school. | ||
| I was just like, well, I'm going to do this for the rest of my life. | ||
| At least now you're monetizing it, kind of. | ||
| You made it a living. | ||
| Listen, this is the best life. | ||
| This is the best life for guys. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| We are the luckiest fucking people that have ever lived. | ||
| Like, you had Jimmy Carr on, and he was talking like, he's like, I'm doing this today, then I'm going to Chappelle's thing. | ||
| Then I'm doing Kill Tony, then I'm doing The Mothership, then I'm doing an arena in fucking Scandinavia. | ||
| Best life. | ||
| What a life! | ||
| The best life. | ||
| Jimmy Carr was fucking hilarious. | ||
| He came out of the club with this new shit he's working on. | ||
| He just had a bunch of notes. | ||
| Oh my god, he was so good. | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| It was so fun to watch. | ||
| When you watch a guy, he's just fucking dialed in. | ||
| Just dialed. | ||
| I saw him tell a story about what's his name fucking with him, too. | ||
| About me. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's so funny because I remember it. | ||
| Greg Giraldo. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Yeah, Greg Giraldo told him that Ari had cancer. | ||
| And then Greg Giraldo goes and dies, and Jimmy Carr's living with this, and then he sees Ari. | ||
| He's like, you look good. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| He's like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| With half your face shaved? | ||
| No, no, this was like 10 years old. | ||
| I was like, no, it was only on one side. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| It's like a cancer. | ||
| I was like, thanks, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Appreciate it. | |
| And then a year later, I'd be like, so, you all right? | ||
| I'm like, What the fuck is going on? | ||
| But you're just weird-looking enough where you're like, yeah, he does look good. | ||
| He also said, like, when he told me that they said you had cancer, I'm like, what? | ||
| He goes, yeah, they said you had cancer, and that's why you're like that, because you don't care anymore. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Kobe! | ||
| He had cancer, and the guy's dying. | ||
| This was 15 years ago. | ||
| It was so crazy. | ||
| Let him spike your drink, he's dying. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| That's a nice fucking backup to have. | ||
| I wish people thought that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'd be like, yeah, he took a shit on stage. | ||
| You go, oh, he's getting cancer. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It was bloody, right? | ||
| It's bloody shit. | ||
| Geraldo said that to him and never told him any different. | ||
| And then got in a beer. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Just fucked his head. | ||
| Love a comic. | ||
| Like I went to Harvard Law, too. | ||
| Love a comic. | ||
| Like a long burn of a joke. | ||
| Just waiting one day, years later, this joke will pay off. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And I won't even be there. | ||
| I won't even be there. | ||
| Genius. | ||
| Gerald and I, we shared a parking lot when we were both on TV together. | ||
| The very first times we were both on TV. | ||
| When I was on news radio and he was on his own show. | ||
| He had his own show that was on the same lot. | ||
| I'd hang out with him at the lot all the time. | ||
| He had like a show about him being a lawyer. | ||
| That's why it works, though, right? | ||
| That's why it's so funny. | ||
| Oh, by the way, when's the new season? | ||
| June 5th. | ||
| Right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Today. | |
| Go check it out on Netflix. | ||
| If you're listening to this, it's available right now. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| Netflix.com to drop ship you a fucking CD. | ||
| Watch it. | ||
| Check your mailbox. | ||
| Check your mailbox right now. | ||
| It's going to be a DVD with tires. | ||
| Hopefully it didn't send you first season. | ||
| It's going to skip a little. | ||
| And while you're there, you can watch Ari Shaffir's special. | ||
| We all got shit on there. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| But yeah, tires. | ||
| You've managed to rein in trash Kyla in a way. | ||
| It's unrainable. | ||
| Everybody in the show plays literally themselves. | ||
| So Kylo was pretty easy. | ||
| What was the line? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I mean, she was my employee for a long time. | ||
| Ron White's in this season, right? | ||
| Ron White is, yeah. | ||
| Oh, fun. | ||
| What was the line you had before? | ||
| It was how to talk trash. | ||
| It was like, I spilled a coffee colada on my scratcher. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| Yeah, Ron fucking kills it. | ||
| Oh, he brought his own outfit in? | ||
| You're not going to believe it. | ||
| Ron plays himself. | ||
| Full Lebowski there. | ||
| That's all you'd want him to play. | ||
| Yeah, why fuck around? | ||
| He plays a washed-up NASCAR driver. | ||
| He's there for like a sign, like a meet-and-greet that no one shows up to. | ||
| That's pretty great. | ||
| Yeah, we had Woody Harrelson at the club last night. | ||
| Oh, was he there last night? | ||
| He's there a lot, man. | ||
| He's been there a lot. | ||
| I've missed him every fucking time. | ||
| He was a sweet, sweet man. | ||
| Doesn't have a phone, though. | ||
| Doesn't do email. | ||
| So if you want to get a hold of him, you've got to go through his wife. | ||
| You've got to run into him. | ||
| Like, he's smart. | ||
| He's protecting himself from bullshit. | ||
| The bullshit in the world. | ||
| He's like, I don't want to be a part of this. | ||
| I don't want to have a phone. | ||
| I got no social media. | ||
| I got no nothing. | ||
| I'm just a human, like I always was. | ||
| I was a human before this. | ||
| I'm staying a human. | ||
| It's really nice when you don't have a phone. | ||
| He's ear-to-ear. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's walking on thin. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| You don't want all that fucking input, man. | ||
| It's not good for you. | ||
| Also, nothing ever happens. | ||
| Nothing ever happens. | ||
| It's just like scrolling, scrolling. | ||
| Unless you live in Russia. | ||
| Right. | ||
| For us. | ||
| Man, I don't know. | ||
| We've got the Epstein file. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| It's not changing. | ||
| Why am I going to be aware of this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I mean, I guess all of us remember before it, right? | ||
| You're the youngest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But still, it's like, those were good. | ||
| Great times! | ||
| And so it's like, I get we have better stuff now, but like, parts of before were okay. | ||
| And not only were they great times, I'm so glad they weren't filmed. | ||
| Can you imagine if he had all that shit on film from taking a dump in your mouth? | ||
| You know, throwing up in the street and you gotta worry about somebody's filming you? | ||
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just the pure anxiety people are living with today. | |
| People are living with, like, pure anxiety. | ||
| Like, on a level of just anxiety on your phone all day long. | ||
| Just giving you anxiety. | ||
| Stuff's terrible. | ||
| And then you wake up to fucking 20 texts. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They're like, what's up? | ||
| From all these different people, you got to fucking... | ||
| Right, even that part. | ||
| That's not evil, but it's like... | ||
| I'm sending the dumbest replies. | ||
| You know how when you wake up and you... | ||
| No, I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Yeah, it's 80 people coming at you to do... | ||
| A show or something like that. | ||
| It's all nice. | ||
| And it's like, it's too much now. | ||
| I'm supposed to run into you and say, yes, I can do that date. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I need an answer now. | ||
| It's just constant. | ||
| I got all my buddies are in town. | ||
| All the Phillies. | ||
| All the Philly trash is here. | ||
| Tonight's going to get nuts. | ||
| Tonight is going to get nuts, and I was really hoping to avoid that. | ||
| What is the plan? | ||
| We'll do the show. | ||
| I guess we won't tell. | ||
| I knew we were doing a show. | ||
| When this airs tonight, but we'll tell it on time. | ||
| Well, at least we'll be safe in that green room. | ||
| Yeah, we'll be safe. | ||
| We're not going to be safe. | ||
| We're going to be at the fucking bar. | ||
| It's going to be a nightmare. | ||
| This is going to be a disaster. | ||
| We were talking about it yesterday, where it's like, what's the plan usually? | ||
| I'm like, okay, so we get way too fucked up. | ||
| Then we go shove meat in our mouth. | ||
| And then immediately, you're on in five. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| Run to the store, get up. | ||
| or the mothership, and then get up and be like, It'll get it all out. | ||
| You'll be good to go. | ||
| It's funny because I call it the store all the time. | ||
| Oh, right? | ||
| I even call it the main room. | ||
| That means you did it right. | ||
| Yeah, I don't even The main room and the Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or the Yeah. | |
| It's kind of a hybrid between the OR and the building room. | ||
| Because the main room is also the OR. | ||
| the OR is the main room. | ||
| In LA. | ||
| The main room at the club, at the mothership, is like, And then the other one is like if the OR and the belly room had a baby. | ||
| Yeah, I'm always like, you're going to the store tonight. | ||
| I mean, you built it with that in mind. | ||
| And Adam, he gets there. | ||
| He literally named the bar after Mitzi Shore. | ||
| Fucking gay. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the best. | |
| I love him so much. | ||
| He might be my favorite homosexual of all time. | ||
| He's not gay anymore. | ||
| Holocaust denier. | ||
| He's not gay no more. | ||
| He cured it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is delivered. | |
| I like women. | ||
| I like women. | ||
| How long after that video did that guy suck a dick? | ||
| Did he wait a week that night? | ||
| 10 minutes. | ||
| That fucking dick. | ||
| Why are you gay? | ||
| First dick you saw. | ||
| It's like, I'm not gay no more. | ||
| This ain't even a dick. | ||
| Oh, it's not? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The devil's tricking you into believing my delicious penis is a dick. | |
| But for a moment, he believed it. | ||
| The way we're all like, I'm not gonna do this one evil thing anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the most brutal thing about homophobia. | |
| Fine, I'll do a little coke. | ||
| How many times do you quit drinking for a week or quit weed for a week and then not made it that night? | ||
| Alright, so last week, I was like, alright, I gotta take a week off. | ||
| Fucking giant storm comes through Texas. | ||
| My power was out for three days. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Day three, I'm sitting in a hot house going... | ||
| Actually, I went right there. | ||
| Kelly's? | ||
| Yeah, they gave me this shirt. | ||
| They gave me this on Thursday. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I got hammered. | ||
| Where's Kelly's? | ||
| Where is that? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Kelly's Irish pub? | ||
| Is that here? | ||
| It's in Austin? | ||
| Yeah, shit rules. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| I've heard of that place. | ||
| The place was actually really great. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| The owners, they're all Irish. | ||
| Irish people have exported the proper bar the best way. | ||
| The Irish bar is the same in every country in the world. | ||
| Yeah, they figured out the best place. | ||
| Is there an Irish pub in town? | ||
| People always ask that. | ||
| And it is the same. | ||
| Well, they're not blaring techno and all this shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's dark and you drink. | ||
| Yes, like you should. | ||
| A couple old Guinness signs. | ||
| It's like Ireland. | ||
| Do they play music at the Irish pub? | ||
| I think they actually have Irish music, like a live band called. | ||
| I think it's actually pretty sick. | ||
| The owner was the fucking man. | ||
| He gave me a bunch of... | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| That's one of the good things about... | ||
| He gave me some fucking IRA stuff. | ||
| I don't know if he gets in trouble. | ||
| Somebody gave me some Nazi money. | ||
| I have a wall for my You Be Trippin' podcast. | ||
| I put money up there from different countries. | ||
| Somebody's like, want some Nazi money? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I want it. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I was thinking about buying a fucking Adolf Hitler autograph. | ||
| It might as well. | ||
| And I don't know what's going on. | ||
| He'll sell you one. | ||
| Yeah, but you can buy them. | ||
| You can buy them. | ||
| They're really expensive, but you can buy an... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's got to be worth a ton of money. | ||
| Yeah, no, and then I figure maybe when I'm... | ||
| The most evil man. | ||
| Maybe someday it'll be like Genghis Khan's autograph. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It won't be forbidden anymore. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| After like a thousand years. | ||
| You're not revering him. | ||
| You're just like, he was notable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| That's the thing. | ||
| The most famous guy ever. | ||
| There's somebody who's like, I was reading Mein Kampf just to read it, but she was reading it on the bus, so she had to go... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but you can get in trouble just having that. | |
| You gotta get a book cover on that thing. | ||
| Few outstanding, very original document letters signed, autographed by Adolf Eichmann. | ||
| $7,800. | ||
| $7,700. | ||
| That's not bad for a fuck. | ||
| Adolf Eichmann? | ||
| Not just on a piece of paper. | ||
| It's not Adolf Hitler. | ||
| I can't believe you can just buy Nazi stuff. | ||
| It's in thrift stores too. | ||
| Look at that arm sleeve. | ||
| Officer's sleeve eagle. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| From a guy's fucking uniform. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| See what I mean? | ||
| That guy killed your grandpa. | ||
| 180 bucks. | ||
| I could spend fucking 500 bucks. | ||
| That's only 480 bucks? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I have a new It's a new version of that. | ||
| The Chinese made new money to give it up for the workers during COVID. | ||
| And it's all these scientists on their bills. | ||
| They made a whole new bill. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| These are the people that caused the pandemic. | ||
| See, every time I've brought this up, people get upset. | ||
| He's a polarizing figure. | ||
| Of course he's polarizing. | ||
| I know, but I'm not like Hitler's the man. | ||
| Yeah, you're really guessing. | ||
| Because someone just edited that part. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| No, but it's like, he's the worst. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Edit this part. | ||
| He's the biggest faggot that's ever lived. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Actually, Mao is worse. | ||
| Wait, wait, that's so funny. | ||
| I mean, it's a whatever bit, but like... | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But he's like top five all time. | ||
| Top five. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Biggest fucking turds on earth. | ||
| He's the Michael Jordan of faggots. | ||
| Cranked out of his mind the entire time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a poster boy for don't do drugs. | ||
| It was actually Eichmann was drove it more because Hitler was like whatever you need to go. | ||
| Eichmann was the one. | ||
| That's where I think I remember is him going let's find we need an other. | ||
| He was a smarter one about it because we need some other. | ||
| And he goes, let's do the Jews. | ||
| They stay to themselves. | ||
| But he was like, well, anyone will do. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He was the writer of all of it. | ||
| And Adolph was like, that'll help us get nationalism going. | ||
| So he was like the Dick Cheney to George W? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The guy behind the scenes. | ||
| Just let me speak. | ||
| Tell me who. | ||
| We found out Dick Cheney's still alive the other day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that interesting? | ||
| I thought it's like a Berenstain Bears, Mandela effect thing. | ||
| I thought he was dead. | ||
| No, he endorsed Kamala Harris and they bragged about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| Oh, yeah, David Smith pointed out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, someone with visual. | ||
| Yeah, dude, I'm so towards Washington. | ||
| It might be real, it says. | ||
| Bro, $240,000. | ||
| You got this, Shane. | ||
| What is that, his flask? | ||
| George Washington's powder flask. | ||
| Washington. | ||
| That might be real. | ||
| See what I mean? | ||
| You can have that at your house. | ||
| That's pretty dope. | ||
| But that's the founding father. | ||
| Same, same, but different. | ||
| We should be drinking beers out of this. | ||
| Don't tell anybody they won't Google it. | ||
| He had fucking slaves. | ||
| He did. | ||
| The Napoleon hat. | ||
| Was that you who sent me that, Jamie? | ||
| I don't think so, no. | ||
| Napoleon's hat is up for auction. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| How do you know if it's really his hat, though? | ||
| You know how many hats I have? | ||
| I have a pretty distinct fucking hats. | ||
| I literally have a thousand baseball hats. | ||
| If somebody sold my hats, you can sell my hats. | ||
| Yeah, but you wouldn't know. | ||
| But you wouldn't know if it's his or just even created it like that? | ||
| I wouldn't even know if you sold one of my hats. | ||
| I remember an old, old pod we were doing at your place. | ||
| At your house. | ||
| That's how old it was. | ||
| And it was like, we were talking about art from like the whatever era. | ||
| And you're like, well, this one's hella old. | ||
| We're like, how do you know? | ||
| And it was like, oh yeah, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, you have no idea. | ||
| I don't really know. | ||
| Just painting. | ||
| Somebody told me it's all right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of lies out there. | ||
| Just looks. | ||
| A lot of fake paints. | ||
| A lot of dudes. | ||
| I mean, it looks good. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| I think it's pretty expensive. | ||
| How much is that, bitch? | ||
| A million bucks? | ||
| One auction went for, what, $2 million? | ||
| $2.1, I think it said. | ||
| How much is Judges 63rd? | ||
| Jesus Christ, who wants that? | ||
| Imagine you got so much money, you spent $2 million on a hat. | ||
| You don't want to jack off wearing a Napoleon hat? | ||
| I do want to. | ||
| I do now. | ||
| I didn't until you brought it up. | ||
| You gotta wear that while doing doggy. | ||
| I want to do it in front of a full-length mirror, flexing. | ||
| Did we talk about what Hitler did to Napoleon? | ||
| Did we talk about this already? | ||
| When Napoleon's tomb, everyone had to bow their head together. | ||
| And Hitler built a series of mirrors so he wouldn't have to bow so he could look at it without bowing down. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| It was before I go in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd change all the mirrors so he could just go, you didn't get me, Napoleon. | ||
| But he loved them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Every once in a while you hear a Hitler story where you go, God. | ||
| Damn, that was pretty sick. | ||
| Shit on my chest to get hard. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I feel that way about a lot of them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They told us, and I could see them. | ||
| That's being propaganda for Jim Hughes. | ||
| He was pretty stupid. | ||
| That's very meth-y. | ||
| Shit on my chest. | ||
| It might have been accidental shit on meth. | ||
| He did some meth. | ||
| As soon as you hear about a guy doing meth, you're like, oh. | ||
| Everything goes from that. | ||
| Yeah, meth. | ||
| Oh, he's doing mad. | ||
| The book I read about him, he was, by the end he was just sitting by his fire and you just had to listen to him tell stories and he would be on meth and he'd be screaming for hours. | ||
| I did for shit for I shouldn't even be doing this war. | ||
| I didn't even want to do it, but fucking Churchill made me. | ||
| I'm the best architect that's ever lived. | ||
| Everybody thinks he thought he was a great artist. | ||
| He thought he was the greatest architect. | ||
| This is Elvis. | ||
| With karate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Look out, man. | ||
| No one can tell him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| The Elvis karate shirt. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Shout out to Roots of Fight. | ||
| Yeah, Elvis would get pilled up, and they'd pretend that he was good at karate. | ||
| And dudes were just like, I can't believe you're doing this to me. | ||
| They would try to move him, and he'd put his neck out there and stop them from moving. | ||
| That's kind of nice. | ||
| That's kind of nice. | ||
| His liver was redlining all day long. | ||
| Just be like, I'm the best fighter I've ever done. | ||
| We went to Graceland. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We were there at the same time. | ||
| We did a Graceland tour. | ||
| The racquetball court where he died. | ||
| He had multiple TVs so we could watch every channel in existence all at once. | ||
| We had four TVs. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That was big back then. | ||
| Four TVs was crazy. | ||
| I thought it was on a turtlet. | ||
| Outside his racquetball court. | ||
| He was playing racquetball. | ||
| He said, I'm going to take a shit. | ||
| He had a separate house for racquetball. | ||
| He's like, well, those kids that got the vaccine, you just immediately have a heart attack. | ||
| He's Heather McDonald. | ||
| Yeah, he couldn't sleep, so he started playing racquetball, and he called a guy at 3 a.m. | ||
| Like, gotta come play with me. | ||
| Get down here. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get down here. | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| Fucking beat your ass in racquetball with the Kang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your eldest. | |
| Come on, play with the Kang. | ||
| I'm like, eh. | ||
| He was like, I gotta take a dump, and there it was. | ||
| He was the first super famous guy. | ||
| You think? | ||
| What about Hitler? | ||
| Yeah, different kind of famous. | ||
| Was he 60s? | ||
|
unidentified
|
50s? | |
| When was he? | ||
| Well, started in the 60s. | ||
| 60s. | ||
| 50s. | ||
| Yeah, started in the 50s, went into the 70s. | ||
| Yeah, there was nobody. | ||
| He died. | ||
| I want to say, '78, maybe? | ||
| He was already past the huge then. | ||
| He was still huge, though. | ||
| But he got big. | ||
| He got real fat and crazy and was just drugged out of his mind. | ||
| You ever see the video of him singing from Vegas? | ||
| Yeah, Unchained Melody is incredible. | ||
| Still amazing. | ||
| Bloated, dying. | ||
| Still. | ||
| His injury, I got something good. | ||
| He got his entrance in some place where it's like, don't. | ||
| The mic's there. | ||
| Walks this. | ||
| He's like this. | ||
| He's just going back and forth. | ||
| And then immediately goes and starts singing. | ||
| What a fucking entrance. | ||
| My whole life I hated Elvis. | ||
| I thought he sucked. | ||
| And then I watched him. | ||
| What's the hate? | ||
| Young Elvis is so in. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess whoever liked Elvis, I thought too popular. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| It's too obvious. | ||
| It's too obvious, but it's really good. | ||
| It's like ACDC. | ||
| Bitch, listen to Long Way to the Top. | ||
| Listen to that fucking song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a long way! | |
| If you don't like that song, you don't like America. | ||
| You don't like freedom. | ||
| You don't like hard work. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| It's just too easy. | ||
| Elvis was too easy. | ||
| Fat, unchained melody. | ||
| Bro, he was so good. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look how big he was. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Panette. | ||
| And he wasn't that old. | ||
| Yeah, what is he there? | ||
| 40? | ||
| Funny we call him that fast. | ||
| He looks better than me. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Well, compared to how hot he was, he was like a hot guy. | ||
| Oh, he was so hot when he was young. | ||
| He was like the first black, white guy. | ||
| Is that the general? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, he was like the first wigger. | ||
| Is that the general right there? | ||
| Show me the right keys. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a different guy, different handler? | ||
| No, I think that's one of his musicians. | ||
| So I heard Dolly talking about him. | ||
| Oh, he's cranked out of his fucking mind. | ||
| Dolly Llama? | ||
| Oh, this is nice. | ||
| I just recorded it and it, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it out? | |
| About two weeks. | ||
| Two weeks to be out? | ||
| He's not being no different than Winehouse late. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| You're thinking, how's this guy going to do this? | ||
| You're thinking, he's out of his mind. | ||
| He's in another dimension right now. | ||
| He's on uppers or downers? | ||
| You can hear how quiet the room is. | ||
| They're going, God damn. | ||
| This is like O 'Connor before he goes on drunk. | ||
| He's like, he'll be fine. | ||
| He'll figure it out. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I'll tell you in a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was nervous about that. | |
| Cranked out of his mind. | ||
| Listen to how good this is. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I can't get a mic stand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the point. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much for you. | ||
| Still now. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| God damn! | ||
| That's so good! | ||
| Oh, it's so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a... | |
| Man, do you remember him shitting? | ||
| Makiber, before my special. | ||
| Damn, that's good. | ||
| We made that exact joke about O'Connor... | ||
| And then even then, it'd be like Fat Elvis on Jane Mountain. | ||
| I'm just going to the green room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| Goddamn, that was good. | ||
| I mean, if you heard that guy talking before, if you were in the audience, like, oh no, we came to the wrong night. | ||
| You see, they're going, is this song out yet? | ||
| They go, two weeks, game. | ||
| It's just pure talent that'll overcome the obstacles. | ||
| Look how sweaty he is, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chubby some more this Jamie Oh He's launching this song right now? | |
| He's showing it to them. | ||
| He's like, I know you're about to hear it all time. | ||
| They haven't even heard it yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| That's a much fun song. | ||
| Damn! | ||
|
unidentified
|
My darling I've hungered for your love A long, lonely time Time goes by With a little so lonely And time can do so | |
| much All you still want Woo! | ||
| Still hits. | ||
| I need your love. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| You guys are allegedly on Mushrooms. | ||
| That must have been fucking nice. | ||
| Man. | ||
| That's so good. | ||
| That is one fat talent. | ||
| That's what we live for. | ||
| We live for, like, if you could belt out one of them moments in your life, you did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of those moments. | ||
| I mean, this guy had a ton of them. | ||
| But one of those moments. | ||
| And nobody had ever gotten that famous before. | ||
| Nobody had ever, like, nobody gets that famous ever and doesn't go crazy. | ||
| But nobody had ever gotten that famous before. | ||
| Elvis. | ||
| He was the first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's also, you go to his house, it's not that big. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Like, your house is probably the same size as Elvis's. | ||
| No, it's pretty nice. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| I love a big-ass house, man. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| Come over and watch me do a little jujitsu. | ||
| First of all, which house? | ||
| I was just saying, you see, like, a little Bow Wow. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's got a suburban house. | ||
| It's just a house in the burbs. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| You don't need a big house. | ||
| If I was by myself, I'd have a regular house. | ||
| Yeah, you would. | ||
| It's all nonsense. | ||
| It's just where you live. | ||
| That's the first thing I figured out when I came to Hollywood. | ||
| I was 27 years old. | ||
| That was the first time I ever had a nice apartment in my life. | ||
| I had a loft. | ||
| I had a fucking pool table. | ||
| I was like, this is sick. | ||
| And then I'm like, oh, this is just where I live. | ||
| I felt like, oh, that's another trick you've got to be aware of. | ||
| Like this idea of always getting a bigger, better... | ||
| It's always just where you live. | ||
| This is all you need. | ||
| A place that's safe, that has a TV. | ||
| You have a kitchen, you have a TV. | ||
| No playground next to you to wake you up. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want anything crazy and loud. | ||
| You don't want to be near a train station. | ||
| I'm thinking about buying a house, and I'm like, I'm literally just going to hang out in two rooms. | ||
| I'm going to walk from my bed to the fucking couch. | ||
| The only time it changes is if you have a family. | ||
| You have a family, then you want a yard, then you want a pool. | ||
| Do you want a lot of things? | ||
| Or do you want a dog? | ||
| Yeah, you want to have a room to be like, I don't know where to put this. | ||
| I always had dogs. | ||
| I've always had dogs, so I always have a big yard. | ||
| I'm like, that's the thing. | ||
| That's the only reason why I never bought Cresthill. | ||
| The house above the store? | ||
| You thought about buying it? | ||
| Yes, I went to look at it. | ||
| Because it was like, Sam Kinison used to live there. | ||
| I'm like, this would be crazy to own this fucking house. | ||
| I had a crazy dog, and that yard was too little. | ||
| I was like, he'll find a way out. | ||
| Sam Kinston pissed on Marc Maron's bed up there. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Imagine if that was on YouTube. | ||
| 100 million views. | ||
| All over his bed, just standing up. | ||
| Wow, that's a credit. | ||
| That's Marc and his territory. | ||
| That's what your cat does. | ||
| That's why you gotta get him spayed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy. | |
| Spay and neuter your pets. | ||
| I'm Bob Barker. | ||
| Wow, what a weird thing he had. | ||
| That was his big cause. | ||
| That was his big thing. | ||
| Spay and neuter your pets. | ||
| Turn your dogs trans. | ||
| Everyone, turn your dogs trans. | ||
| It's important to have a trans dog. | ||
| How about just don't let your dog fuck random dogs? | ||
| Especially when your name's Bob Barker. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I never put that together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a fucking freak. | |
| What a freak. | ||
| What a freak. | ||
| What was his real name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
K. Stevens. | |
| That's not a good joke. | ||
| That's a good joke. | ||
| That's a solid joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a solid joke. | |
| Come on, that made me laugh. | ||
| In this room, that's a solid joke. | ||
| Right now, it's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With three people laughing, that's a solid audience of three. | |
| Jamie, were you laughing at that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you see that Stan Hope had uploaded a pilot they found of the Mitch Hedberg project they made back in 2001? | ||
| No way! | ||
| This looks like it's about to be some Sam Hyde stuff. | ||
| No, it's like a TV show they made. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| Sam Hyde stuff. | ||
| You know that Sam Hyde thing where he sits down just with the fucking the chair and is like breaking down things that are going on in the world? | ||
| Oh, no, I don't know that. | ||
| You ever seen that video? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It went fuck- You've seen it, right? | ||
| Yeah, I'm friends with him. | ||
| He's doing his premiere for Million Dollar Extreme 2. In Austin on Sunday. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It's an adult show. | ||
| They had a sketch show called Million Dollar Extreme. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was funny. | |
| And it got canceled off Adult Swim. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| And now they've made it again. | ||
| He's a little too wild. | ||
| He's a wild fucking boy. | ||
| He's a little wild. | ||
| You ever see Moms or Mothers? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| That's a brilliant one. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| He writes a script. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| He realizes he can get some local, I'll try to be an actress, to read the lines. | ||
| So they're like, oh, well, let's write crazy lines. | ||
| And they're reading these lines not knowing what it is. | ||
| It's something like, "Yes!" I am the curly-haired one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think we should try to fuck the curly-haired one. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| And they're just trying not to laugh so hard. | ||
| Him and Nick Rochefort is one of the funniest dudes I've ever met. | ||
| Those guys are pretty great. | ||
| Locking a bunch of homeless people in a fucking room and just let's watch them. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I don't agree with all this. | ||
| I think this one's wild. | ||
| Like bum fights, you mean? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're talking fish tank. | ||
| Bum live. | ||
| It's just like, it's real world. | ||
| You're saying fish tank. | ||
| Yeah, it's real world. | ||
| You get the craziest people playing together. | ||
| Isn't it funny, like, real world's okay because they're only mildly mentally ill. | ||
| But they always got a racist and a black on real world. | ||
| I'm like, let's put them in. | ||
| Producers. | ||
| They know how to make drama. | ||
| That's what he's doing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fish tank. | ||
| I mean, if you're gonna make a show, you can't just have a bunch of people hanging out and having a good time. | ||
| You need a bunch of catfights. | ||
| Even the Kardashians went after each other. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're fucking swinging at each other, slapping at each other. | |
| They're in the hallway. | ||
| One of them threw a leg kick. | ||
| Joe was watching, commentating. | ||
| I was watching. | ||
| People know how to throw leg kicks now. | ||
| That's like a new thing with street fights. | ||
| people throw leg kicks. | ||
| I saw it after... | ||
| It was Patriots versus Broncos. | ||
| So there's some fucking drunk Boston fans who were leaving and some old man talked some shit to him. | ||
| He goes, alright, better luck next time. | ||
| He's like, shut your mouth. | ||
| And then just leg kick to the face, knocked him out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To the face? | |
| No, we're talking leg kick. | ||
| Not to the face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, to the leg. | |
| A leg kick. | ||
| Using the leg and kicking something in the face is just a regular leg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not an arm punch. | |
| He hit him with a head kick? | ||
| He opened up with a head kick? | ||
| He just spun and kicked him. | ||
| This guy was just a nice Denver resident. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Didn't know what he was getting into. | |
| You never know who knows that jiu-jitsu shit now. | ||
| He hit him with a wheel kick? | ||
| Or he spun around? | ||
| Spun around. | ||
| Spinning fucking back heel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Spinning heel kick in front of his wife? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| He was like 60. Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| 60? | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty brutal. | ||
| That's how people die, and then you go to jail for the rest of your life for looking cool. | ||
| I think it was me and Simone. | ||
| I'll show people. | ||
| Use my karate skills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So dangerous. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, karate guys and MMA guys should not be allowed to drink. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| They're usually pretty cool. | ||
| Imagine getting drunk with something while he doesn't do anything. | ||
| He's sober. | ||
| Sean Strickland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I could do a cool kick, you're doing it. | |
| I'm fucking kicking everybody. | ||
| The second I start drinking, I go, what did you fucking say, Jamie, about Ohio State, you motherfucker? | ||
| Oh, Jamie, can you bring up Michigan walking into Ohio State Stadium? | ||
| Nice change of subject. | ||
| The thing is, though, I don't think you would do it if you could do it. | ||
| True, yeah. | ||
| I guess it humbles you a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, you don't care. | ||
| I could do it. | ||
| I don't do it to anybody. | ||
| That's what I noticed about going to UFC's, the backstage stuff, is they're so quiet and just very chill, meek people. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I've hung out with Nate a lot. | ||
| Nate's not an animal. | ||
| He's a different animal. | ||
| But that's also why he's such a superstar. | ||
| Everybody loves him, because he's the same guy. | ||
| It's also why he's great fighting. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Genuinely doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Leon Edwards is my favorite fight I've ever seen. | ||
| Yeah, when he cracked him with the left hand, then pointed at him. | ||
| It's my favorite moment. | ||
| For four straight rounds, Leon's doing moves. | ||
| Like, trying shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Spinning elbow to the forehead, and it just goes... | ||
| Yeah, fucking gay ass spin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking gay bullshit. | |
| Come here. | ||
| He's trying to come back to the UFC. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| Yeah, I was reading articles. | ||
| I don't know if it's substantiated. | ||
| Money's there. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| That guy? | ||
| He's a superstar. | ||
| That guy shows up. | ||
| He'll fight anyone. | ||
| Bro, I always said that he was the most underappreciated superstar during the Conor McGregor times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I was like, you guys are missing out. | ||
| Like, you got Conor McGregor, but Nate Diaz just beat him and said, I'm not surprised, motherfucker. | ||
| Not just like, I can't believe it. | ||
| It wasn't Storm the Field, guys. | ||
| I'm not surprised, motherfucker. | ||
| What the fuck's a gazelle? | ||
| That's what got me into the sport. | ||
| What about this? | ||
| I was at that one with Epstein. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| It was like, what? | ||
| Epstein. | ||
| This jiu-jitsu guy. | ||
| He caught a dude in a triangle. | ||
| Caught a dude in a triangle and then did a double flex. | ||
| While he had him in a triangle, like fully locked up. | ||
| Einstein, Einstein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His name was Einstein? | |
| Yeah, his name was Einstein. | ||
| Nice going, Einstein. | ||
| What does he do in off-season? | ||
| How does he make money? | ||
| Nate? | ||
| Well, he got... | ||
| He had a boxing match with Jorge Masvidal. | ||
| He won. | ||
| He won, but they didn't give him the money. | ||
| See if that got resolved. | ||
| There was a crazy thing. | ||
| You have these fly-by-night promotions, and sometimes they're not funded correctly. | ||
| Like any black room? | ||
| We'll send you the check and give it to me now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give it to me now. | |
| That's the wrong show. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Jamie, delete all the stuff I said about Hillary. | ||
| I had that with a mob club I used to work for in Connecticut. | ||
| Get paid if you're lucky. | ||
| Yeah, if you're lucky. | ||
| I saw you almost fucking beat a guy in Vancouver Island. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's like, I'll send it to you later. | ||
| I've never seen him because the checks were always from him. | ||
| They're coming. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| He goes, no, we got to send it. | ||
| He goes, bro, he went into the back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Write the check now. | ||
| Pay me now! | ||
| Yeah, that guy was super sketchy. | ||
| Talking about his balance and his... | ||
|
unidentified
|
These have to clear. | |
| Suze reported $9 million. | ||
| So they robbed him out of $9 million. | ||
| Pre-fight deal in place. | ||
| Promoter, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Yeah, so he beat him, but he's owed $9 million. | ||
| I hope he gets his money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| Damn. | ||
| It's hard to get money on a person who doesn't have any money, though. | ||
| That's impossible. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You get an old Ferrari. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He could have his stuff. | ||
| But Nate does a... | ||
| they do like jujitsu shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he does a lot of seminars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do that all the time. | |
| Makes plenty of money doing seminars. | ||
| Nate's a legit jujitsu black belt. | ||
| Purple. | ||
| He always say purple, right? | ||
| As he was doing this, he was like, I'm just a purple belt. | ||
| Like, shut up, dude. | ||
| And his brother was one of the best of all time. | ||
| That was always cool. | ||
| Because any time I've hung out with Nate, I've never hung out with Nick, but he talks about Nick with this reverence. | ||
| There was a time... | ||
| That I've never seen anything like it. | ||
| People missed it because most of it happened in the Strikeforce days. | ||
| And, you know, it was a small... | ||
| Nick's Prime, he was a bad motherfucker, dude. | ||
| He was a terrifying guy because he had the most insane cardio that's ever existed. | ||
| This guy swam from Alcatraz to the shore. | ||
| What? | ||
| I said twice, and he corrected me online. | ||
| He said five times. | ||
| Since then, he's probably swam a bunch more, so it's probably like ten times now. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Swim from Alcatraz in the ocean with the sharks, the thing that was supposed to keep people from ever escaping that island. | ||
| People voluntarily do it, and he's done it a ton of times. | ||
| His fucking cardio was off the charts, and you just couldn't keep his pace. | ||
| He'd put a pace on you and hit you with like 50% punches. | ||
| 50% punches, but constantly having your face wise talking shit. | ||
| What are you going to do, bitch? | ||
| What are you going to do, bitch? | ||
| Pop, pop, pop, pop. | ||
| And then every now and then, rip one to the body. | ||
| Rip one to the body. | ||
| Pop, pop, pop. | ||
| And you're exhausted. | ||
| And you can't breathe. | ||
| Because when someone's punching you, you can't take a breath. | ||
| So even if he's only punching you like this, you're all tense. | ||
| He's relaxed. | ||
| He's a better boxer than you. | ||
| He's better at jiu-jitsu. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you going to do? | |
| You going to take him down? | ||
| Like, what are you going to do? | ||
| How did he ever lose when he lost? | ||
| It got to a point where later in his career, everybody slows down. | ||
| But in Strikeforce, he was in his prime. | ||
| Frank Shamrock, Nick Diaz versus Frank Shamrock in Strikeforce, a great example. | ||
| Whoa, that's a fight. | ||
| He beat Shamrock. | ||
| He beat his ass. | ||
| But when he lost in his prime, how did he lose? | ||
| Well, he didn't really lose in his prime. | ||
| Well, he might have lost a couple of decisions in his prime in like three rounders. | ||
| I'd have to like go back and look at it. | ||
| But like he submitted Gomi, which is like this huge thing in Pride with a go-go plata, like off of his back while he was high. | ||
| He tested positive. | ||
| He was tested so positive after the fight that like he had to be fighting high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| He'd be like, yeah. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Fight high. | ||
| Let's go, bitch. | ||
| That new rock movie looks fun. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, The Smashing Machine? | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's not gay. | |
| But, yeah, the trailer is amazing. | ||
| Jamie, bring up Michigan walking onto the field versus Ohio State. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| He won't do it. | ||
| He has the left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He won't do it. | |
| We won. | ||
| We're living high right now. | ||
| We don't need to go back to Michigan. | ||
| What'd you win? | ||
| Did you win Michigan? | ||
| No, we won the national championship. | ||
| What's this wee shit? | ||
| There's a lot of wee shit. | ||
| A lot of wee shit going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We did it. | |
| We fucking did it. | ||
| Yeah, me and Nate almost beat Leon. | ||
| Man, when I slapped him, it was crazy. | ||
| We got the belt. | ||
| The bitch slaps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was the other thing. | |
| Who'd hit you with bitch slaps? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I never thought about the... | ||
| Because his punches were like... | ||
| Because if he went full, he'd tire himself out? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| So he's putting a pace on you that you can't keep up with, and he's not hitting you at full blast. | ||
| Like, Nick would throw kicks, like, for fun. | ||
| They were silly kicks. | ||
| Like, they were never going to hit you. | ||
| He would pretend to throw a wheel kick or throw a high kick. | ||
| He wasn't even trying to hit you. | ||
| He was just trying to put something in your face. | ||
| Put something in your face, and then letting you know that he's so relaxed in there with you, he'll throw silly kicks at you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I might go to that New Orleans fight. | ||
| I think Poirier's fighting again. | ||
| Yes, Poirier's going to fight Max Holloway, right? | ||
| That's a hot one. | ||
| That's the last fight of his career, right? | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| That's in New Orleans. | ||
| Holloway or Poirier? | ||
| Well, Poirier wanted one more and he wanted a legend, so they got him. | ||
| I think Max Holloway might be the number one guy for fights in the stands. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's Hawaiian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They go. | ||
| They love fucking fighting. | ||
| They love fighting. | ||
| And you're always in the 300s. | ||
| Think of the jeans. | ||
| Get them a couple fucking Coronas up there. | ||
| Here's some Medellas, dude. | ||
| Whatever they smuggled in, little airplane bottles, and then like, what are you talking about Holloway? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you talking about Hawaii? | |
| Talking about Hawaii? | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| I've never been there. | ||
| Hawaiians are terrified. | ||
| The ancestors of people that had the balls to get out in the ocean. | ||
| Get out in a fucking homemade Canoe. | ||
| And make it across the ocean to an island. | ||
| That's why I was hoping I had Viking, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I was just a farmer. | ||
| Just a farmer. | ||
| A billion years of just going, yeah. | ||
| Farmers only. | ||
| What a crazy dating app that is. | ||
| Farmers only. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It basically means whites only. | ||
| Yeah, they should have just gone. | ||
| That's all that is. | ||
| It's a how do you say it without saying it. | ||
| Not all black farmers unless you're talking weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got good news and bad news, daddy. | |
| Found a farmer. | ||
| His name's Tyrone. | ||
| He grows weed. | ||
| It's only watermelon. | ||
| I don't know what the hell. | ||
| It's worse than usual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| Isn't it crazy that a delicious food is racist? | ||
| Chicken, watermelon, they're both great. | ||
| I love them both. | ||
| It doesn't work with any other race. | ||
| You make fun of Italians for pizza, Irish potatoes, no one cares. | ||
| That one's super sensitive. | ||
| Fish. | ||
| But the thing is, it's also foods that everybody loves. | ||
| I know! | ||
| They're both delicious. | ||
| How did that happen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, if you bring up fried chicken and black people, you're a piece of shit. | ||
| But, like, doesn't everybody love fried chicken? | ||
| Chappelle has a bit about it. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| He does. | ||
| It's a great bit. | ||
| No, I was talking about fried chicken. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| You ever go to Gus's in town? | ||
| Gus's fried chicken? | ||
| Oh, it's so good. | ||
| I try to genuinely actually avoid fried chicken. | ||
| It'll kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| I grew up on Popeyes, and it'll weigh you down. | ||
| We used to get Roscoe's when I was in L.A. Roscoe's chicken and waffles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| It's perfect. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| With butter and the syrup, and then you got the hot sauce with the chicken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Doggy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| That's good stuff. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Diabetes. | ||
| It's coming, but not today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not today. | |
| Today it's mouth pleasure. | ||
| Bro, I thought that diabetes was coming. | ||
| Yeah, but you're not. | ||
| You're good. | ||
| I got that fucking ways to well. | ||
| I was like, I gotta at least be pre-diabetic. | ||
| Nah, you got those fucking Irish genes, son. | ||
| You got the full ride. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Diabetes will do fucking nothing. | |
| You know what it'll do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut your fucking mouth. | |
| I'm in your wife's DMs. | ||
| You know what it'll get us is the gout. | ||
| The gout's coming for us. | ||
| When I heard the calls for fatties, isn't it? | ||
| No, no, Kyle Kinane has the gout. | ||
| How do you get gout? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think it's a booze and beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| It's a booze and thing. | ||
| What causes gout? | ||
| Meat. | ||
| It's the king's disease. | ||
| Meat? | ||
| But what is the real cause? | ||
| This sounds like nonsense. | ||
| Literally all I eat. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| I eat 90% red meat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| Are you sober? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dog, for three months. | ||
| Sober from alcohol. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Be clear. | ||
| And according to the law, everything else. | ||
| And nothing else today. | ||
| Gout, known as disease of kings, a type of arthritis characterized by painful swelling and inflammation in the joints. | ||
| Often the big toe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow! | |
| Caused by a buildup of uric acid in the body, leading to formation of urate crystals in the joints. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eww. | |
| Link to lavish diets and alcohol consumption of wealthy individuals, including royalty. | ||
| I guarantee you it's the alcohol. | ||
| And not moving. | ||
| Yeah, it has nothing to do with meat. | ||
| Tell you what, the first time I saw that description, I went, ooh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the one that's going to get it. | |
| It's coming to crystallize my joints. | ||
| Wait, are you going to church, too, or is that bullshit? | ||
| I have been to church. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Have you ever been to church before? | ||
| I bet. | ||
| It's actually very nice. | ||
| They're all just trying to be better people. | ||
| It's a good vibe. | ||
| Why don't you go to a Catholic church? | ||
| I tried that. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| I went to St. Pat's in New York. | ||
| That's a beautiful place. | ||
| So nice. | ||
| Some guy gave me a rosary. | ||
| I keep it. | ||
| If it's not Catholic, which one is it? | ||
| It's just a Christian church. | ||
| A non-denominational Christian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, all those fucking... | |
| Yeah, I'm just giving all my money to Osteen. | ||
| Animal proteins such as pork, red meat, shellfish, and oily fish are high in purines, making an individual susceptible to gas. | ||
| There you go! | ||
| Huh. | ||
| No shellfish. | ||
| Additionally, alcohol reduces the metabolism of uric acid, enhances the disease condition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| That's both, right? | ||
| I guarantee you it's the alcohol. | ||
| And we're getting a steak tonight and have to drink it all day. | ||
| The alcohol fucking lobby probably said, yeah, it's the meat. | ||
| It's just like they did with sugar. | ||
| You know, the sugar lobby's like, actually, it's not us. | ||
| It's saturated fat that's causing all these heart attacks to happen often. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a long COVID. | ||
| It has nothing to do with us. | ||
| It has nothing to do with us. | ||
| It's long COVID. | ||
| You're getting cancer because of COVID. | ||
| It's all the COVID gotcha. | ||
| That was a new strain. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| Of what? | ||
| COVID. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| You're lying. | ||
| It's a new one coming out of China. | ||
| There's always a new stream. | ||
| You're lying. | ||
| It's a new release. | ||
| It's a mixtape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the Beastie Boys lost mixtape for Rick Rubin. | |
| COVID hasn't been good since 2019, dude. | ||
| They fell off. | ||
| They got a new producer. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They got a new producer of better beats. | ||
| This one gets the kids. | ||
| It only gets kids. | ||
| It's catchy with the kids. | ||
| I had to call it the Fauci. | ||
| Kids was a big one. | ||
| They always threw kids at you to make you like, oh, I guess we have to take care of the old people. | ||
| What about Grandma? | ||
| I saw someone on Twitter saying, you literally killed my mother to people who were out there doing shows. | ||
| Less than 20. We're back, dude. | ||
| 20 cases of the new variant. | ||
| Less than monkeypox. | ||
| That's how it That happened in Seattle, remember? | ||
| You heard about the guys, or Portland, where was it, the first cases in the United States? | ||
| Of what? | ||
| Somewhere in the Northwest. | ||
| Someone had come over from China, they gave the Wuhan, they gave it over there, and that's the first cases. | ||
| And those people don't got no sunlight, so they got zero vitamin D. They're susceptible. | ||
| I hope that monkeypox joke worked in your storytelling show. | ||
| Look at this! | ||
| Look how they described this. | ||
| It was actually really funny. | ||
| We were all talking about it afterwards. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| Described as a slightly upgraded version. | ||
| I forgot about it. | ||
| That was really funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| Upgraded. | ||
| The slightly upgraded version of the variant that's prominent right now. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Subhash Verma. | ||
| That's a person who's bred to be a scientist. | ||
| Ron got the COVID recently. | ||
| He got the COVID and it whacked him for like a week. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A week? | |
| He fucking smokes 20 cigars a day. | ||
| He entails cigars. | ||
| He got the vax too. | ||
| He got the jab. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| It would have been way worse for him. | ||
| Isn't that a funny thing? | ||
| It could have been worse. | ||
| My sister flipped her car once when she was in high school and she was totally fine. | ||
| Total the car. | ||
| The cigarette lighter was the only thing that was salvageable. | ||
| She was fine. | ||
| Wasn't wearing a seatbelt. | ||
| So she was on the roof of the car. | ||
| And we're all like, thank God you weren't wearing a seatbelt or it could have been worse. | ||
| That's what they always say. | ||
| Well, you ever see guys get flown out of the car and they live? | ||
| And the car flips 30 fucking times and they live? | ||
| Because they got thrown off. | ||
| Oh, never heard of that. | ||
| Isn't that a saying too? | ||
| Like an urban myth at least that if you're like Hayward. | ||
| You get in an accident and you're relaxed. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| Keep you drinking. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| It's the same thing as people falling. | ||
| Oh, that was somebody on This Not Happening. | ||
| Fucking Irish Chicago guy. | ||
| I forgot his name. | ||
| Sullivan something. | ||
| but he was listening to Hugh Lewis and walked off a building. | ||
| And the nurse was like, the nurse was like, the only thing to save you is, He goes, I was just walking. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, what the fuck is this? | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Alright, let's bong a fucking beer. | ||
| Let's bong. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It's about fucking time. | ||
| I'm feeling these envies, though. | ||
| The only reason I stopped the booze is because I wanted to see what it would be like to have no booze for a long period of time. | ||
| And it's a lot better. | ||
| You feel a lot better. | ||
| Don't you get bored though at night? | ||
| No, I thought I would. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I have fun doing stand-up. | ||
| I have fun hanging out in the green room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you're also not like... | ||
| Action. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, when it comes to sobriety... | |
| No booze. | ||
| Yeah, Diaz did that once at the Improv. | ||
| You're still cold, dude. | ||
| He goes, I stopped smoking weed and everyone booed. | ||
| He goes, oh, I mean, I'm still doing vapes and stuff. | ||
| I'll be like, oh, all right. | ||
| He goes, no, I just hurt my throat. | ||
| What flipped you? | ||
| What was the final switch? | ||
| Well, I wanted to try it. | ||
| You saw me fall down. | ||
| Well, I just got tired of fucking feeling like shit when I would work out the next day. | ||
| The hangovers are real later. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| It's all the fucking... | ||
| It's like, it beats you down. | ||
| And if I was doing three nights in a week at the club, Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Bye Bodega Cat. | ||
| He's got his 29-year-old metabolism. | ||
| So cold. | ||
| You'll be back. | ||
| You'll be back. | ||
| You think so? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a supportive friend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's not like I'm not alcohol. | ||
| You didn't have a fucking problem. | ||
| We're saying we don't judge you for your current situation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| But we would love to have you back. | ||
| It's just one of those things where you stop doing it and you're like, oh, I feel so much better. | ||
| Why was I doing that? | ||
| It's also like, at this point, like, who gives? | ||
| So don't drink. | ||
| See, I have a different thing. | ||
| I'll go like four or five days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Typically, I try to get four or five days off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By day five, I'm going, let's go. | |
| I know. | ||
| I'm getting fucking wrecked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same. | |
| Same thing. | ||
| It's not even like... | ||
| Yeah, you can't just have a beer. | ||
| And then you regret it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| You regret it the next day, but you're like, no. | ||
| Let's keep going. | ||
| After the wheels fall off. | ||
| Look, I had a good time drinking. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's fun. | ||
| I don't like what it does to your body. | ||
| I mean, it's always done that. | ||
| I think I was listening to your podcast. | ||
| I would gladly pay you tomorrow for one hamburger today. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| The Popeye guy. | ||
| The guy was addicted to hamburgers. | ||
| He had no money. | ||
| He never had money. | ||
| Wimpy. | ||
| Who the fuck is this? | ||
| Wimpy's Burgers. | ||
| Wimpy's Big. | ||
| He's just a guy addicted to burgers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a comic. | ||
| He died. | ||
| Yeah, five guys killed him. | ||
| Fucking assholes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those old cartoons were crazy. | |
| Oh, don't get me started on the racist ones. | ||
| Oh, they're all racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. | |
| That's it. | ||
| I just wanted burgers. | ||
| Did you ever see the stories of Blow on the set of Popeye? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| The blow on the set of Popeye. | ||
| Movie? | ||
| Movie Popeye with Robin Williams. | ||
| Because they were shooting in Malta. | ||
| They were shooting in Malta so they could be away from the studios. | ||
| And they would send filmcams back. | ||
| And they'd send the empty filmcams back full of cocaine for the set. | ||
| Because they wouldn't check through the filmcams. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so crazy. | ||
| When Popeye came to Malta, the film set was full of cocaine. | ||
| They had to be like, we're going to do something wild. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He's not even in character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's coked up. | |
| He's got one eye closed. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I've made that face. | ||
| Every single time I've ever done cocaine, I go. | ||
| You couldn't escape it. | ||
| They were actually shipping film cans at the time. | ||
| Film cans we sent back to LA for daily processing. | ||
| This was shot in Malta. | ||
| And we found out the film cans were actually being used to ship cocaine back and forth to this set. | ||
| Everyone was stoned. | ||
| I don't know what they're saying. | ||
| Stoned. | ||
| What a lame way to talk about blowing out a blow. | ||
| What a bunch of dorks. | ||
| Dorks. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| Shelley Duvall, she went through that and The Shining. | ||
| How did that lady survive? | ||
| Well, have you seen her now? | ||
| She died. | ||
| Oh, she did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She died? | |
| Wait, she died? | ||
| And then, Mark, you were saying, what were you saying? | ||
| She was ugly before she died? | ||
| Is that what you were saying? | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| How many memes are the fucking Jack Nicholson with the axe coming through the wall? | ||
| Oh, Johnny. | ||
| Like inclusivity and then trans women on dating apps? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think I sent this that one. | |
| It was on the thread. | ||
| There's so many of those! | ||
| Like that one scene with Shelley Duvall in the bathroom and the axe is coming through. | ||
| Here's Johnny! | ||
| That fucking movie was crazy. | ||
| Slow build if you rewatch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Slow build. | |
| It's really nice. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's a really good movie to watch. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| Aesthetically pleasing. | ||
| Stephen King didn't like it. | ||
| Kubrick. | ||
| King didn't like that person. | ||
| Stephen King doesn't like anything cool. | ||
| He likes Salem's Lot. | ||
| Tough follow on Twitter. | ||
| He is mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hates the coolest shit, dude. | |
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| He's zigging everybody. | ||
| Well, you got a guy got hit by a bus. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| He got hit by a guy driving a fucking truck, not paying attention, and he was walking on the side of the road, and he got clipped and broke like every bone in his body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I'm not laughing at that. | ||
| It's just a funny way. | ||
| Oh, he was hospitalized for a long time. | ||
| He got clipped. | ||
| He got really broken apart. | ||
| He's an older man. | ||
| You know, not like as a young guy where he maybe kind of recovered. | ||
| How hot is it in here? | ||
| Not hot at all. | ||
| It's so hot. | ||
| It's Jamie. | ||
| It's Jamie's fault. | ||
| It's America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Is it not hot? | ||
| 72? | ||
| Let's go 69. It's you, bro. | ||
| 72 is a little hot, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's you. | |
| You're spitzing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can lower it. | |
| 72 is a little crazy. | ||
| You all right, Ari? | ||
| No, he met the devil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
69, 69. He met the devil. | |
| Oh, you had it set at 72, Jamie? | ||
| That's unforgivable. | ||
| What are you, a girl? | ||
| You're riding, Jamie. | ||
| Girls like it warm. | ||
| They like it warm? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They love it warm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If it's up to a girl, she'll go 75. Easy. | |
| Hey, Bert Christ is going to sue you. | ||
| I'm legitimately hot. | ||
| Bert Christ is going to sue you. | ||
| I wish you weren't doing that. | ||
| That is a bad look. | ||
| Auschwitz 2025. | ||
| He did that for the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a good bit. | |
| For the survivors? | ||
| It was not a bit. | ||
| I'm legitimately out-schvitzing in here. | ||
| I was schvitzing too, dude. | ||
| You feel better now? | ||
| That'll be a meme. | ||
| You shirtless doing that? | ||
| I am hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie. | |
| I mean, it's obviously the stuff. | ||
| Jamie, can you bring up Michigan taking the field against Ohio State? | ||
| I think Joe's actually going to like him and I think he's going to respect football when he sees it. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Joe does not respect football. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I do respect football. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not true at all. | |
| He actually has recently come around. | ||
| I started watching football. | ||
| I don't approve of the CTE. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good. | ||
| I've got a touch of CTE myself, for sure. | ||
| You don't escape it. | ||
| They tested high school kids to have CTE. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a little worried. | ||
| Yeah, you should be worried. | ||
| But you've got the touch. | ||
| A touch is good. | ||
| A little touch makes you a little reckless, a little funny, a little crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I got touched. | ||
| JML, I know what you're gonna do, cuz I know you're a nasty little fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know what you're gonna do! | |
| Oh, you knew. | ||
| Gotta make a tackle. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| He got you there. | ||
| I knew he was gonna do it, dude. | ||
| Oh, does that hurt you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That actually did hurt. | |
| That's very bad. | ||
| What a catch, though. | ||
| Look at that catch. | ||
| That's fucking beautiful. | ||
| Because that was a throw down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fucking little nasty little fuck. | |
| I'm on an airplane. | ||
| He was ready. | ||
| He had that geared up when he was coming in. | ||
| It looks like a movie. | ||
| What I sent Jamie yesterday. | ||
| You want to get mad? | ||
| Let's get mad. | ||
| The LA Fire Fund. | ||
| They had this big show. | ||
| Big fundraiser. | ||
| They raised $100 million. | ||
| Wait till you find out where the money went. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| James Lee did a thing about it on Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, and there's been articles written about it where people are like, where's the money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| The way they distribute the money is so crazy. | ||
| You're going to read this and you're never going to want to donate to charity again. | ||
| Because you find out what charities, what a lot of these non-profits are really about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't. | |
| The lady running the charity that got the money makes almost a million dollars a year. | ||
| BLM, Me Too, this. | ||
| Same lady? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Everyone's like, well, let me get a taste. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same fucking lady. | |
| She's killing it. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| I watched this, dude. | ||
| I looked into it a little bit. | ||
| We'll watch it, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on, before you press play on that. | |
| That guy with a fishing hat is not a reliable news source. | ||
| That's my number one source of news. | ||
| And then he's trying to blame the Annenberg Foundation. | ||
| That is one of the richest fucking families in California. | ||
| They're worth so much fucking money. | ||
| I wonder how they got money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, it doesn't matter. | |
| Shut up, liberal ass Jamie. | ||
| You fucking know how I stay paying liberal. | ||
| How about play the video and let everybody figure it out for themselves? | ||
| Let's platform this guy. | ||
| Yeah, play it liberal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| The concert might be one of the biggest scams in disaster fundraising history. | ||
| And as usual, I'm bringing the receipts. | ||
| First off, according to reports, the FireAid benefit concerts raised over $100 million, supposedly for LA fire victims. | ||
| But since then, residents have been asking, where did all the money go? | ||
| $100 million raised for residents, community things, and funds that are supposed to help with the policies, and there's no accounting for it. | ||
| Let's figure this out. | ||
| So according to the FireAid website, it says that all direct donations will be distributed under the advisement of the Annenberg Foundation. | ||
| According to the IRS 990 form, the Annenberg Foundation is a 501c3 based in Kunshan. | ||
| I live there. | ||
| Conchi, baby. | ||
| One massive red flag by way is that only 33% of their annual expenses goes towards actual charity programs. | ||
| The rest goes to administrative costs like executive compensation. | ||
| Look at the numbers. | ||
| They treat you pretty good over there, starting with top dog Cynthia Kennard, who's making three quarters of a million dollars, plus another six figures in bonuses. | ||
| She started the fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Basically almost seven figures just for one person there. | |
| Here is Cynthia, a.k.a. | ||
| Cinny, hanging out with Gavin Newsom, discussing or strategizing about things like how to solve it. | ||
| I would. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Both of them, six beers. | |
| Anyway, just to give you a point of comparison with another non-profit, Doctors Without Borders, they spend almost 90% of their money on actual programs versus less than 1% on administrative costs. | ||
| Local journalists have also been asking, where's the money? | ||
| They found, quote, the FireAid website names only three Palisades organizations that receive grants, among almost 120 organizations listed as receiving grants. | ||
| A couple of true ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see who got the money? | |
| A couple of true ones. | ||
| Hold on, let me read it. | ||
| Why'd you stop? | ||
| Because he's focused on the Palisades. | ||
| Just play it. | ||
| Just play it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll talk later. | |
| What's Israel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, Scorpion's thing. | |
| They were kind of given the runaround, various extension numbers, somebody saying they would call them back. | ||
| No one called back. | ||
| Also referring them to some mysterious man named Philip. | ||
| No last name. | ||
| He was never found. | ||
| This is just crazy. | ||
| So essentially what they're doing is taking the $100 million, then paying themselves roughly 70% of it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And with the rest of the money, they're dishing out to various other non-profits with their own administrative expenses. | |
| And that's how $100 million just ends up disappearing. | ||
| Oh, yay, yay. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I'll believe it. | ||
| Maybe he's telling the truth. | ||
| Maybe he's exaggerating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But at the very least, This is what the NFL does with the cancer research. | |
| 70% goes to administration. | ||
| 30% goes to the actual cause. | ||
| These non-profits. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They're for their own profit. | ||
| Well, it's just a loophole. | ||
| It's a loophole. | ||
| They found a loophole to make a great living by being virtuous. | ||
| And then they see a fire. | ||
| They're like, sick! | ||
| We're all getting raises. | ||
| But all we're saying, Jamie, is that this guy is saying that 70% traditionally goes to administrative costs. | ||
| 30% goes to the actual. | ||
| That's for all charities. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That is for all charities. | ||
| For a lot of charities, but not Doctors Without Borders, which is one of the things that he brought up. | ||
| He just picked one, though. | ||
| He's comparing you with this stuff to just like, "I'll pick a charity," and he picked probably one of the worst ones, you know? | ||
| We've gone over the charity stuff many times. | ||
| There's good and bad charities. | ||
| There's good and bad charities. | ||
| But the point is that this $100 million, you're saying, was distributed to a bunch of different places, not just Pacific Palisades. | ||
| Looking into it, too, $100 million was a number that got used in advertising to make everything look big and look good. | ||
| Probably, my part I was trying to say, too, assuming that it is $100 million, there's a bunch of companies and a bunch of artists that said, I'm going to pledge a million, I'm going to pledge a million. | ||
| And you have to go collect it all. | ||
| You don't know if they all will send it in. | ||
| Oh, you know how many times I pledge stuff? | ||
| I pledged a million dollars to Notre Dame's NIL. | ||
| I haven't done one single thing. | ||
| Did you do it by yourself? | ||
| In your apartment? | ||
| No, I was at the fucking championship game watching Ohio State win, and I was going, Notre Dame needs a de-tackle. | ||
| I'm going to give them a million bucks. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they were like, hey, you want to give us that million bucks? | ||
| I was like, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I pledged. | |
| Is that legally binding? | ||
| It was a pledge. | ||
| JMO. | ||
| Well, isn't that the weirdest thing about colleges? | ||
| Like, how much money colleges get in donations from people that are, like, really wealthy that used to go there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't even go there. | ||
| Didn't go there. | ||
| But that's a big thing with colleges, right? | ||
| I just wanted to win before my dad dies. | ||
| That's why these college kids are getting money now. | ||
| It's kind of crazy. | ||
| I talked to one at Barstool in Chicago. | ||
| He's played at Indiana Center. | ||
| And it's like, how much? | ||
| Per year, he goes, 300 grand to transfer to Indiana. | ||
| Oh, that's for a year. | ||
| Notre Dame, Pat Coogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Transferred to Indiana. | ||
| He was from Notre Dame. | ||
| And it's just like, that's a good living. | ||
| I don't have to go into this for my life. | ||
| I'm going to take my degree and actually start a life. | ||
| They should have been doing that for those kids forever. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| They're making money off of them forever. | ||
| They're sold out in stadiums. | ||
| The only negative is you can't have a player for four straight years. | ||
| Yeah, there just needs to be regulation on it. | ||
| Because now they're letting them pay players, so now it's just the fucking Wild West. | ||
| They gotta make some Wild West. | ||
| They need to do that shit for the Olympics. | ||
| They gotta make a four-year pledge. | ||
| Even then, the big schools are all gonna get all the best players. | ||
| The Olympics, they don't get nothing. | ||
| The Olympics, they get zero. | ||
| Everybody else gets rich. | ||
| You're beat up by a man. | ||
| That can happen. | ||
| Enrolled in that women's boxing. | ||
| Some broad game. | ||
| You said that they were wrong about that one. | ||
| And now the new info came out. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I thought you were like, no, that's actually not a trans. | ||
| That's a different... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like some sort of medical issue. | ||
| The medical issue is testicles. | ||
| And an XY chromosome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is a medical issue. | |
| XY chromosome and testicles. | ||
| Apparently internal testes that don't drop. | ||
| It's like a condition that some males have. | ||
| Yeah, some micropenis, internal testicles. | ||
| Micropenis, whatever. | ||
| Whatever, bro. | ||
| Call it big clit. | ||
| Call it micropenis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fine. | |
| It's fucking normal. | ||
| Come up with the pills, you scientists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fix it. | |
| Dang, fixing shit. | ||
| Except in China. | ||
| They're crispering the shit out of those dicks. | ||
| Making a big, juicy dick. | ||
| That's a good math guy with a big dick. | ||
| Bro, they're all going to be an issue. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Long dividing and then fucking banging your lady. | ||
| Who the fuck was that guy? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| With CCP hat on. | ||
| Show your work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know. | |
| Man, I gotta look into this CRISPR. | ||
| I never heard of it. | ||
| I gotta do it. | ||
| Is it too late for us? | ||
| I think it's too late. | ||
| For now. | ||
| But in the future. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we're fucked. | |
| But not in the future. | ||
| In the future they're gonna be able to gene edit people that are alive. | ||
| Right now they're doing it to like fetuses. | ||
| We gotta go back in time and then shoot my dad up with the stuff to get me the real shit. | ||
| Fighting genes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come back. | ||
| Fuck, I wish I had it. | ||
| We do a Protect Our Parks four months from now. | ||
| Ari's 150 pounds heavier. | ||
| Hi, guys. | ||
| He's just gigantic. | ||
| A giant hog. | ||
| He pulled the balls out last night. | ||
| Huge balls. | ||
| They dwarf the dick. | ||
| A bighorn sheep. | ||
| You ever seen a bighorn sheep's balls? | ||
| No. | ||
| They're ridiculous. | ||
| Pull them up. | ||
| The first time I saw a bighorn sheep, my friend Steve Rinell was like, look at his balls. | ||
| You need to look at their balls. | ||
| It's extraordinary. | ||
| They're like church bells. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Giant fucking balls. | ||
| It's like master balls. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Elephantitis! | ||
| Giant sacks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| They all have giant balls. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Can't be running with that. | ||
| Looks like a big puss. | ||
| No! | ||
| That one's got a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's an AI. | |
| Of course, the black one. | ||
| You can't tell what's AI anymore, man. | ||
| You really cannot. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| There's no way to tell. | ||
| You gotta go straight to the comments and hopefully people pointed it out. | ||
| I got tricked by one. | ||
| By a sheep? | ||
| I was embarrassed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened? | |
| You fucked it? | ||
| And he's like, I'm a guy. | ||
| Some fucking hot-ass sheep came to the bar. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, it was a video of Trump giving a speech, but they AI'd what he was saying. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I watched it, and I was like, no fucking way. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| It was actually really funny. | ||
| It was like something about gay people. | ||
| I forget. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no, no. | |
| But it was like really funny, and it seemed like something he might say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| When they're close enough, they're like, well played. | ||
| Fuck, it was close. | ||
| But it took me like three minutes. | ||
| Three minutes is long. | ||
| He wouldn't say that. | ||
| He could finish coming. | ||
| But it's over now. | ||
| There is no truth. | ||
| There's no video. | ||
| Let me hear this. | ||
| I saw this yesterday. | ||
| Well, I'm going to be embarrassed, but yeah, I tricked you too. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Taking a careful note of the work of Colossal Labs, the biotech company. | ||
| They're the absolute worst group of people we've got in our country, and it's not even close. | ||
| I think we'd all be better off with them gone. | ||
| But as I was saying, my If they can bring back wolves, they can bring back dinosaurs. | ||
| Terrible lizard. | ||
| That's what dinosaur means if you break it down. | ||
| But picture this, folks. | ||
| Velociraptor, mounted border patrol agents. | ||
| They'll rip your head clear off. | ||
| Pterodactyls patrolling the skies. | ||
| Velociraptors on the ground. | ||
| To prevent the immigration apocalypse, we may have to counter with a dinopocalypse, folks. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| I mean, it looks real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I mean, you watch something like that, while you're watching it, you go... | |
| Also, Trump's so wild, you just never know. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Didn't he fucking post something the other day that Biden was assassinated and they used a clone? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| God, I hope he did. | ||
| Didn't that like truth social, truth social, didn't he... | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Some wild thing that somebody posted? | ||
| Biden, this isn't even Biden. | ||
| Because he had a bunch of plastic surgery. | ||
| He had his face pulled back like a lizard. | ||
| Do you know what they're actually doing at the Forest Department? | ||
| Every email they sent that mentions biodiversity gets bounced back. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| They are so against the word diversity that biodiversity, those emails are not allowed to be sent from company emails. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you see his N-word thing? | ||
| You gotta protect the parks. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| You might actually be protecting the parks. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Trump shares unfounded conspiracy theory claiming Biden was executed in 2020. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| Oh, who was he debating then? | ||
| Who did it? | ||
| Stairs? | ||
| That is so ridiculous. | ||
| But who was he debating? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He thinks he was... | |
| He debated him in 2020. | ||
| Oh, he debated a different guy. | ||
| He's like it's a clone? | ||
| Yeah, not really Biden anymore. | ||
| Yeah, the one he kind of lost, I bet he was like, fucking clone showed up. | ||
| Well, there was that time that the tall Biden was at the White House. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| There was a Biden that was like six inches taller than Biden. | ||
| And they have makeup. | ||
| They can do things to people. | ||
| They can make you look like Biden. | ||
| Maybe not you, but like some people with not so long a face. | ||
| Yeah, Barron. | ||
| Was he 6 '8"? | ||
| Barron would stand out. | ||
| He'd be too tall. | ||
| Why the long face? | ||
| Why the long face? | ||
| Biden, don't be depressed. | ||
| Don't be sour. | ||
| I know we're pulling you out. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
| But you were a great president. | ||
| You were like Lincoln. | ||
| This is way off topic, and you guys aren't going to think it's as funny as I do, but one time my family and I, we were out to dinner at Haas's in Mechanicsburg, and the waiter came over and goes, I got a joke for you. | ||
| We were like, what is it? | ||
| He's like, a horse walks into the bar, and the bartender goes, why the long face? | ||
| And my family and I erupted. | ||
| Laughing for like 20 minutes. | ||
| That's a classic. | ||
| No, but it became like, we can't stop laughing about how good that waiter was. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And yeah, it stuck with me my whole life. | ||
| And I knew when I started telling that story, it wasn't going to be good. | ||
| That's literally the joke that I said to him. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| That's what it reminded me of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But just that whole, you know, when you can't stop laughing. | ||
| Pull up the video that's all Biden, Jamie. | ||
| Been there. | ||
| What is hosses? | ||
| It's a tough one for me. | ||
| Restaurant. | ||
| like horses. | ||
| It's like a lower level Some reference I can't remember. | ||
| Yeah, the wheels are off. | ||
| The wheels are off, bro. | ||
| Chili's? | ||
| The wheels are off. | ||
| Sure, Cracker Barrel, whatever. | ||
| I'll go to a Chili's any day. | ||
| There's a salad bar at Hoss's. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| Untouched for generations. | ||
| No one touches it, but they do have nachos and melted cheese. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I'm going to go to the salad bar. | ||
| That's a central PA salad. | ||
| Come back with melted cheese. | ||
| The salad bar's got that diced ham. | ||
| You know those little cubes? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Now you're talking my language. | ||
| The Pittsburgh salad? | ||
| You know what the Pittsburgh salad is? | ||
| Is that what you shit on a guy's chest? | ||
| Just fries with some lettuce on top. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Pittsburgh people are fat. | ||
| That's a great city. | ||
| Underrated city. | ||
| Every fat city is the best city. | ||
| They know how to party. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| What's another fest? | ||
| Cleveland? | ||
| Buffalo, Cleveland. | ||
| I like Great Lakes. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at tall Biden. | ||
| Look at the size of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Bro, look at the size of him. | ||
| He doesn't look anything like Biden. | ||
| Shane, we were there. | ||
| Look how tall he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's towering over his wife. | |
| Like, what is that? | ||
| Wow, Biden dirty. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Shane and I went to the White House. | ||
| I think there was times when he had some complications and they just brought in another guy. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I think they've probably done that before with people. | ||
| Roosevelt. | ||
| Apparently it isn't. | ||
| I mean, we should, kind of. | ||
| Who was telling the story? | ||
| Was it here that they were telling the story of Obama was sitting there talking to one of the people that he worked with, and then they removed the mask, and he realized that the person who he was talking to was not the person he works with, and they were showing him how good the CIA masks are? | ||
| Oh, it was green room conversation. | ||
| Someone was explaining in the green room. | ||
| Sounds like it might have been Metzger. | ||
| Looming over you! | ||
| You don't know? | ||
| You don't know? | ||
| You don't know about that? | ||
| Throw your reference of a name you've never heard of. | ||
| Like, why do you think he went to Seattle in 2016? | ||
| I'm like, who is any of these people? | ||
| Bro, and they'll hit you with five more in a row before you recovered from the first one. | ||
| Oh, the picture you took of me. | ||
| I took a picture of Ari getting trapped. | ||
| Because I loved Metzger for two decades, and then she's like, I'm in it. | ||
| You need a break after a while. | ||
| Metzger's the best. | ||
| He cornered me at Terry Black's the other day. | ||
| I was in the corner. | ||
| I heard he was at Terry Black's. | ||
| And he was, like, looming over at me. | ||
| And everybody else was having their own conversation. | ||
| I was like, hey! | ||
| Hey! | ||
| You're molested! | ||
| Help me! | ||
| Hey! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Help! | |
| Molested with headlines. | ||
| The massage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Help! | |
| Safe word. | ||
| Epstein. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Bro, he just hits you with like five, six conspiracies in a row that you don't know about. | ||
| You don't know about that? | ||
| Cleveland? | ||
| 36? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| You know, down to his room was just an experiment that got wrong. | ||
| What? | ||
| I think I was a part of that program. | ||
| It was the South Africans. | ||
| Yeah, programs. | ||
| All part of programs. | ||
| That's what happens when you grow up in a cult, and you think everything's a cult when you get out. | ||
| Everything's a cult. | ||
| And then he starts working for Jimmy Dore, so he finds out about real conspiracies. | ||
| Yeah, Metz got his first birthday like four years ago. | ||
| It's not an easy life. | ||
| Those eyeballs. | ||
| Enough's enough. | ||
| When he looms over you with the conspiracies, it's like he's not even a real person. | ||
| He's like a cartoon. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's like a guy in a movie. | ||
| There's no guy really like that that just traps you and hits you with 50 conspiracies. | ||
| Yep, Kirk Metzger. | ||
| He'll get you. | ||
| When I have him on a podcast, it's hilarious. | ||
| It's just like wind him up and then... | ||
| The first thing you said. | ||
| The first thing you said. | ||
| Let's go back to that. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| What did they do in the Pacific? | ||
| Who did it? | ||
| They sunk a ship? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you don't know? | |
| You don't know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't know! | |
| How can you know? | ||
| How do you know all these fucking things? | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's it. | ||
| When they put out the Epstein files, he's the guy who reads the 60,000 pages. | ||
| Oh, yeah, instantaneously. | ||
| Oh, he's jerking off. | ||
| He's doing other things on the side. | ||
| He's playing chess, jerking off, reading the stuff. | ||
| It's so weird, too. | ||
| He started in Black Rooms. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Him and Big J. Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Black Rooms will have you. | ||
| You're like a shitty young comic. | ||
| They love having a white guy. | ||
| There's dudes that are just joke machines. | ||
| Metzger's a joke machine. | ||
| If you got him in a writer's room, he's a machine. | ||
| Dude, Miss Pat got me a spot in Atlanta once. | ||
| I was down there for something. | ||
| And she was like, alright, go. | ||
| And the show started at 8. I got there at 7.30. | ||
| Doors are locked. | ||
| Till 8.45. | ||
| Then I go in, I'm like, hey, Miss Pat, send me like, oh, we got you, got you. | ||
| The MC does Almost an hour. | ||
| The emcee did an hour? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he goes, "Ah, y 'all! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Billy from Iowa!" Billy from Iowa? | |
| You're Billy from Iowa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, is that me? | |
| What? | ||
| A pure death. | ||
| It sounds like it. | ||
| Ari Shafir, Billy from Iowa. | ||
| Close enough. | ||
| After an hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eight dicks in front of my manager at the time. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You invited your manager to the black room? | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| Fired up, dude. | ||
| This shit makes me laugh. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Cameron and Mace? | ||
| Cameron and Mace. | ||
| What were they talking about? | ||
| I posted this on my story. | ||
| I was a little hungover, laying in bed, and this was killing me how funny this is. | ||
| Can you start from the beginning? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Diddy Trowell, some guy named The Punisher came in here yesterday. | |
| I was watching the Diddy trial and some guy came to name the Punisher. | ||
| Did you ever see the clip of Mick Mill talking about how Suge Knight used to put handlebars on guys? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's horrific. | ||
| Meek Mel said some crazy shit about Suge Knight. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Suge Knight put handlebars on dudes. | ||
| That'd be funny if you put a helmet on, too. | ||
| He's fucking the guy. | ||
| Why are they all fucking each other? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| They're homosexuals. | ||
| Power move. | ||
| I think it's a power move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mark, I'll tell you what, I never thought of it like that. | |
| I think Ari's got it. | ||
| Ray J. Oh, it's Ray J. Oh, huge Don. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Why do I think it was Meek Mill? | ||
| Who excuses Suge Knight of sexually assaulting men behind bars? | ||
| Maybe it was Ray J. That's a different video. | ||
| I've seen that one. | ||
| Yeah, no, no, no. | ||
| It is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Ray J. 25 sticks of butter? | |
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Use the letter as anal. | ||
| Margarine's bad for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got to grease it up, bro. | |
| That's so crazy. | ||
| You gotta grease that butthole. | ||
| Cameron and Mace are... | ||
| They have fun and they forget that they're on. | ||
| Mike and times have changed. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| They might get off. | ||
| But times didn't really change. | ||
| It's just like people have to hide it. | ||
| And that's why people protect our parks. | ||
| The times are the same. | ||
| And times definitely don't change if you're fucking black dudes from Harlem. | ||
| Or rappers. | ||
| Cameron and Mace. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can say whatever they want. | ||
| They can see whatever they want. | ||
| But... | ||
| Have you heard of that? | ||
| It's all dirt. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing with your chin? | ||
| I want something concrete. | ||
| Bro, listen to any story. | ||
| J-Lo, DiCaprio, are they going to talk? | ||
| Kid Cudi said... | ||
| Bieber. | ||
| Kid Cudi said... | ||
| Burned his car. | ||
| Broke into his house before Christmas and opened all the gifts for his kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Really? | ||
| That's like the Grinch. | ||
| He called him when he was in his house. | ||
| Hey buddy, I'm in your house. | ||
| Just wanted to let you know about your house right now. | ||
| He opened all the presents under the tree. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, that's like Ari. | ||
| Ari might be fucking white-ditty. | ||
| That's a fucking Ari trick. | ||
| You hate Christmas, you heave. | ||
| Damn, dude, I can't believe you guys killed him. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Santa, too, you would if you could. | ||
| You would if the Jews got there. | ||
| You're going to burn your beak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie, delete the anti-semitist. | |
| No, keep it. | ||
| It's allowed. | ||
| 55 minutes out of this episode and everyone in the past. | ||
| Jamie, I'm not trying to add work. | ||
| I swear, brother. | ||
| Sorry, J-Mo. | ||
| He's very sensitive on these shows. | ||
| He needs to be respected. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| I respect him. | ||
| J-Mo, bong a beer, brother. | ||
| We'd love to have you. | ||
| Are you sober, too, like gay rogue? | ||
| You have been losing weight. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| You look fucking fit. | ||
| Velvet. | ||
| Jamie, bong one beer. | ||
| Bong won. | ||
| He's actually, secretly, he's the best guy at bong and beers. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| He does it quietly, and then he comes up here and does it, and he's like, yeah, it was nothing. | ||
| Luke Combs. | ||
| Luke Combs? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shotgun? | |
| No one can fuck with him. | ||
| He does it so quick, it doesn't even make sense. | ||
| How are you doing that? | ||
| Is that a magic trick, then? | ||
| He just punches the bottom of him straight from the can, and in two seconds, it's gone. | ||
| You're like, how? | ||
| Come over. | ||
| Skills. | ||
| You can't help yourself. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| There's so many country guys, I can't keep up now. | ||
| Yeah, it's a big popular country. | ||
| Brian, Zach. | ||
| Really did blow up. | ||
| Country blew up. | ||
| God's country. | ||
| Well, it used to be a thing that you would have to hide. | ||
| People like, what kind of music? | ||
| Like, anything except country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anything except country. | |
| Yes! | ||
| That was like the standard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was a thing. | |
| They wouldn't mention polka. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Have you listened to polka? | ||
| No, I guess I got him. | ||
| Shit rocks. | ||
| Go out to Western PA. | ||
| I remember I was dating this girl in the 90s, and I had to turn her on to Dwight Yoakam. | ||
| I'm like, you don't... | ||
| It's radio country. | ||
| Just listen to A Thousand Miles From Nowhere. | ||
| You tell me that's not a good song? | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| Old Country's the best. | ||
| Old Country rules. | ||
| Oh, Old Country's great, but Dwight Yoke almost. | ||
| That's why a lot of the new guys are good. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| There's a lot of guys doing Old Country. | ||
| That Oliver guy. | ||
| Guitars, Cadillacs, hillbilly music, that song? | ||
| Yeah, beer, swigging, fish fighting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zach Bryant. | |
| I mean, what did Oliver Anthony do? | ||
| I mean, what is that? | ||
| Who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soulful. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my God, I mean, that is like some shit that's going to... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That song's going to be around a long time. | ||
| Fucking Beyonce's doing Country. | ||
| That's how popular it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Texas Hold 'em. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Blowing my mind here. | ||
| She's winning awards. | ||
| She's kind of turning white. | ||
| Well, I think what happens is... | ||
| She's like, come on now. | ||
| She's watching her kids. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I think what happens is the fucking country just swings one way. | ||
| They want simpler times. | ||
| terrified of nuclear war, terrified of fucking war. | ||
| What are we doing with Russia? | ||
| You know, it's a big one. | ||
| The military enrollment went up. | ||
| Oh, during Trump? | ||
| They put out a fucking white commercial. | ||
| A who? | ||
| They put out a white guy commercial. | ||
| They're trying to get the whites. | ||
| Well, the whites are out there. | ||
| The army's back. | ||
| They're going, hey, come on, whites. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's funny to watch the left try to get the men. | ||
| You've got to fight Iran. | ||
| Come on, whites. | ||
| Why are we fighting Iran? | ||
| Trans thing in the military. | ||
| They stopped all that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Let them fight. | ||
| They're scary. | ||
| I love Jay Smith's point on that. | ||
| The left is like, the left is going, no, trans people should also kill innocent people in Yemen. | ||
| You guys are taking the wrong stance on this. | ||
| Is that Dave Smith? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It should be, don't kill random people at a wedding party. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bro, how about when Trump tweeted out that Houthis thing, they got those guys in a circle, and they blow them all up, and Trump's like, they will never bomb our fucking ships again. | ||
| Okay, I don't have much advice for the Houthis other than stop fucking hanging out together. | ||
| Literally, in a circle, they all walk to a truck. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| It's like, stop! | ||
| Guys, one at a time. | ||
| I bet they don't pay any more. | ||
| They keep doing it. | ||
| Every time I see a drone strike, it's fucking 20 dudes walking together. | ||
| Well, what the anti-war people are saying is that that's a tribal ceremony. | ||
| That they get together in these groups that has nothing to do with the war. | ||
| Also possible. | ||
| I didn't know those guys. | ||
| Well, you can't ask questions when you're in a drone. | ||
| It's a terrorist group? | ||
| Yeah, you just label a terrorist. | ||
| Do I get a green light? | ||
| Do I get a green light or no? | ||
| Green light, green light, green light. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's been Bush, Obama, Biden, Trump. | ||
| Just kill anybody, label them later. | ||
| Well, the amount of people that get killed by drones that are innocents is off the charts. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Any other type of warfare. | ||
| It's like 90%. | ||
| Yeah, we gotta go back to swords. | ||
| It'd be nice. | ||
| That'd be tough to catch a guy. | ||
| Like, that's the bad guy. | ||
| Catch a fucking bystander with a sword. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, back then, everybody was a bystander. | ||
| You know, the sword times, they didn't spare anybody. | ||
| You see they sent drones into Russia, Ukraine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| They hit them on that road. | ||
| I've heard about this. | ||
| Everything I've heard from Russia-Ukraine, I've never believed any of it. | ||
| It's been so much propaganda on both sides. | ||
| But the one thing that the Ukraine attack is legit, where they bombed all the bombers with the drones. | ||
| Yeah, they caused $7 billion in damage in one day. | ||
| They blew up all these... | ||
| Oh, planes. | ||
| They sent suicide drones to blow up all these bombers that were like on these airfields. | ||
| Suicide drones is such a great term. | ||
| It's just a bomb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a remote control, but it doesn't shoot things. | ||
| It flies into things and detonates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| That's why they call them suicide drones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, they fly the drone. | ||
| The drone is the weapon itself. | ||
| And it's, you know, it's intelligently controlled. | ||
| And they just fly them into these jets and blow them. | ||
| Japan was all over that. | ||
| Japan was? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Also meth. | |
| We got some drones. | ||
| That's why they got those guys to do it. | ||
| Meth. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was all meth. | ||
| The kamikazes, that was all meth. | ||
| Get those guys messed up and fly them right into the... | ||
| Same thing with the Nazis in the tanks. | ||
| The tank guys were the guys that had the most meth. | ||
| And the ones who dance at clubs. | ||
| It's the methiest molly. | ||
| Gets you going. | ||
| Remember the techno-viking? | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That guy ruled. | ||
| Yeah, that guy ruled. | ||
| There was some guy who was being shitty to some girl, and he grabs him by the arm. | ||
| You, get out of here. | ||
| And some guy gives him a bottle of water, he drinks a little of the water, and then he starts working. | ||
| Viking dancing. | ||
| The techno-viking ruled. | ||
| Yeah, Viking dance rules. | ||
| I saw that on E-bombs World. | ||
| Can we see that guy, Jamie? | ||
| You got that guy? | ||
| I was like, here we go. | ||
| I loved E-bombs. | ||
| He's trying to steal. | ||
| So he takes this guy, hey, get out of here. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| I'm with that guy. | ||
| I'm going home. | ||
| Yeah, you're going home. | ||
| If you see this fucking dude, that dude has cardio. | ||
| He'll beat your ass for hours. | ||
| And then he has to point at him one more time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go! | |
| You don't want to fuck with that guy. | ||
| Don't turn around. | ||
| That guy's, that's the bad motherfucker that hangs in the group. | ||
| Let it go, bro. | ||
| And then look at this dork. | ||
| Breathe it out. | ||
| The beta comes over, offers the water. | ||
| The beta. | ||
| Upside down water. | ||
| Trying to, like, you know, really important. | ||
| Yeah, but if that's your boy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If one of your boys is the Viking guy. | ||
| He's like, chill bro, I know I'm dancing close to you. | ||
| And then the dance starts. | ||
| Give me some music, Jamie. | ||
| Is that a gun on the left of him? | ||
| Techno Viking in the house. | ||
| Holy moly, he can move. | ||
| Black socks all the way up. | ||
| That guy fucked all the dirty hippies that night. | ||
| No one else is dancing. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't seen it since I was a boy. | ||
| Now that I'm looking back on it, this guy's kind of fucking gay as shit. | ||
| No one else is dancing. | ||
| I remember being a kid thinking he was the man. | ||
| This guy blows. | ||
| People are walking through. | ||
| No one else is dancing like him. | ||
| You don't want to hang out with his guy. | ||
| Now they're dancing. | ||
| Fuck no, I don't want to hang out with him. | ||
| Although, oh, there's a cut to the dude who got sent away. | ||
| Poor dude. | ||
| Where are we? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this Detroit? | |
| Oh, is it? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Berlin! | ||
| Oh, Berlin! | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That could be the new name of Protect Our Parks. | |
| That really is a fuck parade. | ||
| 2000 Fuck Parade Berlin. | ||
| This is what pride is. | ||
| Boy, I hope they don't all gang up together and fight Russia. | ||
| Got crazy weird abs. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Uneven. | ||
| Yeah, mismatched. | ||
| A lot of abs are like that. | ||
| This almost says this whole thing could have been staged. | ||
| They're not sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because it was made by an artist, the whole video. | ||
| Oh, it's totally staged. | ||
| That totally makes sense, because the way he pointed was so performatory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
to the guy too, why would they have followed up on the guy Jamie, always getting to the bond with things. | |
| Jamie, you're great, and we all love you. | ||
| We do love you, Jamie. | ||
| You know we all love you. | ||
| I know you got fired up earlier. | ||
| Sorry about all that. | ||
| Well, you still bring it up Ohio, you get his fucking hackles up. | ||
| You get his hackles up. | ||
| This fucking asshole ass, he brought up fucking Notre Dame. | ||
| Yeah, but you gotta let him slide. | ||
| It's like when you have a little kid, you can't yell at him. | ||
| By the way, this is classic Ohio State. | ||
| They won the title, and they're still babies. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| They're still babies. | ||
| They like winning. | ||
| You can go, you know you guys lost to Michigan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They all go, fuck you. | |
| You guys won't even play them anymore. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| They won't play us, dude. | ||
| Oh, whatever. | ||
| Be careful. | ||
| Look into that history. | ||
| You know what, Texas, though, Texas plays Ohio State, first game of the season, and they won't play them on Sunday night. | ||
| I did see that. | ||
| That pissed me off. | ||
| Why not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't want it to be a night game. | |
| Why? | ||
| Because fans, it's a much more rowdy environment. | ||
| They want a fucking noon kickoff. | ||
| It's Sunday. | ||
| It's the Lord's Day. | ||
| It's cowards work. | ||
| Yeah, they want hungover people. | ||
| That's funny when you have to schedule your games based on how fucked up people will be. | ||
| Let's be careful. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Joe, you would love watching Michigan walk into Ohio State. | ||
| Can I say it? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Jamie's got the controls. | ||
| Not today, Satan. | ||
| Only because you asked. | ||
| I'll show it. | ||
| Michigan, who I hate more than Ohio State, did suck this year. | ||
| They're playing at Ohio State. | ||
| Michigan has owned them for no fucking... | ||
| Yeah, three straight, yeah. | ||
| And it's just nice to watch a team walk into an entire environment that hates you. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| And they're just together, just walking. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| And Michigan's not even good here. | ||
| But it's nice to watch. | ||
| But they haven't lost to Ohio State, so it's like a great MMA game. | ||
| Okay, here we go. | ||
| Wait, they're not wanted? | ||
| It's only going to play 20 seconds, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's alright, when it shows the stadium. | |
| Wow, imagine being one of those guys about to play this game. | ||
| Fuck CTE. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Yeah, fuck CT. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Do I want to be smart when I'm fucking 70? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who gives a fuck? | |
| Is this it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this it? | |
| Oh, this is Ohio State. | ||
| You're going to watch that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's this? | |
| Watch this. | ||
| Let's play this, too. | ||
| I want to hear this. | ||
| I want to hear this when they get out of the field. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They need four wins to restrict a crushing end of the season. | |
| This is step one tonight. | ||
| This is not the Michigan game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Tennessee. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit rules. | |
| Man, he's got us fired up. | ||
| First ever December game? | ||
| That's when Ohio State turned it around. | ||
| What is first ever December gaming? | ||
| They just added the playoffs this year, so there's never been games this late. | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| Oh, we're doing this? | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Enter Sandman, Virginia Tech, Miami. | ||
| We did that already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got some good entrances. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| We got some good entrances. | ||
| Sandman's the greatest fucking, the greatest beginning of a game song of all time. | ||
| Fuck, I'm trying to think of some good entrances. | ||
| Metallica just played Blacksburg. | ||
| They played Virginia Tech Stadium. | ||
| But how about when they played Berlin after the fall? | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You're thinking Moscow. | ||
| Moscow, that's right. | ||
| They played Moscow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the best. | |
| Like, a million people there. | ||
| We've definitely watched that. | ||
| We've watched that. | ||
| It's the most insane concert you've ever seen in your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, fuck it. | |
| You need to see it. | ||
| Ari needs to see it right now. | ||
| Ari's definitely seen it in that seat. | ||
| But he needs to see it right now, because he's in another seat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| This shit rocks. | ||
| After that, you've got to show Billy Joel in USSR. | ||
| We've done that, too. | ||
| We saw that. | ||
| We've done that as well. | ||
| Have we ever played Led Zeppelin? | ||
| Jump Around Wisconsin. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| The sound isn't as good as you need it to be. | ||
| There's an Ariana Grande concert in London. | ||
| Manchester, you asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine being in that audience. | |
| Look at that fucking crowd! | ||
| Is this Berlin? | ||
| It's Blacksburg, Virginia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
show. | |
| They're about to watch some mediocre football. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yo, Hokies. | |
| Take it over, head on the board, down on the side of the starting. | ||
| Now he goes to the plate. | ||
| Turn on straddle, back to the plate. | ||
| Fire, into the left side. | ||
| Hey, white band members. | ||
| I'd love to tell you I didn't watch this earlier today. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
is the fucking Coliseum. | |
| Oh, you gotta run there. | ||
| What a fucking song. | ||
| America fucking rules. | ||
| What a country. | ||
| What are we talking about? | ||
| Of course people walk here from Guatemala. | ||
| Dude, if I saw Wisconsin going this crazy and I lived in Guatemala, I would go, bro, I gotta walk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going across that fucking desert. | |
| Extra bottles of water, and I'm making it across that fucking desert. | ||
| That video we just showed has 65,000 people in the crowd. | ||
| The first one we watched was Ohio Stadium, and this place here is double. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| This is the big house. | ||
| 70,000 there. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| You know how I was supposed to perform there this year? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Me and Zach Bryan were going to do Michigan Stadium. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they said no to me. | ||
| But then they cut you back on, I thought. | ||
| Well, Notre Dame got me. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| What? | ||
| They said no to you? | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| I have fucking some stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I said a couple things. | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| You guys are joking around. | ||
| Back in the day, I didn't mean it. | ||
| Let's leave with Russia. | ||
| Do Enter Sandman in Russia. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Don't. | ||
| That's the shit. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Do we want to promote Russia? | ||
| Do you look at the size of the crowd? | ||
| Nah, it's just the fucking people. | ||
| No, this is America giving it to Russia. | ||
| This is America going, bro. | ||
| You want to see what's good? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Look at the size of the fucking crowd. | ||
| This is Moscow, 1991. | ||
| Look at that crowd. | ||
| Holy shit, how many people is that? | ||
| Helicopter right over it? | ||
| Bro, it has to be millions. | ||
| They said it's over a million. | ||
| Why is the helicopter right there? | ||
| It's the end of your empire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| We're all poor. | ||
| Putin saw this and goes, I'll be back. | ||
| Yeah, he came back. | ||
| He's in the KGB at the time. | ||
| He's a kid here. | ||
| Moscow. | ||
| Fuel. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Look at that fucking crowd. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Can you imagine being on that stage what that energy feels like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. 1.6 million. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| In the crowd? | ||
| Man, it's like Sunset Club. | ||
| Sunset. | ||
| Up to 2 million. | ||
| 1.6 million in the crowd? | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| You do one show, you retire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, they didn't. | ||
| How was the paycheck, I wonder? | ||
| Oh, it must have been in rubles. | ||
| Yeah, it must have been nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You get five potatoes and your life. | |
| You get to live. | ||
| We are not going to kill you. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Long-haired gaze. | ||
| All right, wait. | ||
| I know we're trying to play it out. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Keep it coming. | ||
| I don't want to go home. | ||
| Now, J-Mo. | ||
| Woodstock 99 corn. | ||
| All right, we really hit the bottom here. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Woodstock corn. | ||
| Trust me, Daddy. | ||
| Trust me, Daddy. | ||
| I hate corn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good night. | |
| And tonight, 10. Oh, they need this. | ||
| This is protect our parks. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I mean, there's supposed to be no experience on earth, like being... | ||
| There's no experience on Earth. | ||
| Also, there's no coming back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| Have you seen that? | ||
| You go... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What's the Asian guy who does the biggest song in the world? | ||
| Oh, that guy. | ||
| Gangnam Style. | ||
| I'm sorry, when he comes up from the stage. | ||
| Look, you're allowed to not like corn. | ||
| I didn't really like that until I saw this fucking video. | ||
| We'll see it. | ||
| I trust you. | ||
| You would never throw us a bad one. | ||
| I wouldn't do this other than that Bulldog video that never got brought up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trust me. | |
| You fucked up with the Ohio video that never got brought up. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Alright, I saw some jigs. | ||
| Look at all those skanks fans. | ||
| Look at the jugs on Jiggly. | ||
| Fan flags him. | ||
| 99! | ||
| It was pre-9 /11. | ||
| This was on pay-per-view. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That guy's... | ||
| Full hood. | ||
| I remember this song. | ||
| With my youth. | ||
| I think the idea here, keep an eye on the crowd, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And also, you know what got me with... | ||
| The lead singer's face when he walks out and sees the crowd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He gets it. | |
| Like you just watch a guy like take that energy in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
*Dramatic music* | |
| This is a weird time in music. | ||
| Like, rock, rap? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| DMX played earlier in the day. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kid Rock. | |
| Limp Bizkit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh geez. | |
| Oh my god! | ||
| Oh my god, look at that crowd! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the crowd! | |
| No, that crowd's alive! | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| That's a living organism. | ||
| Imagine being an alien, and you come down, you watch it, and you're like, what the fuck are they doing? | ||
| The pinnacle of their existence seems to be giving yourself CTE in front of a million people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Headbanging. | ||
| Anyway, that one got me going. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| That was the 90s, baby. | ||
| What was the last one that we wanted to do? | ||
| Gangnam Style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When he does that jump out. | |
| Jump out for the win. | ||
| Did he have any other big hits other than that? | ||
| No, he faded away. | ||
| No, he had one other big one. | ||
| Right off that one. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I kind of remember it, too. | ||
| Norman already shut him down. | ||
| Wow, I thought he got the COVID. | ||
| And his flowers, as the kids like to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| My bad. | ||
| No one's like, fuck him. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| He went away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Psy-op. | |
| Psy-op. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| We'll sit in the festival. | ||
| It's just for him. | ||
| This isn't it, is it? | ||
| No, the one when he pops out of the floor. | ||
| That was like the fucking Asian Macarena. | ||
| He comes flying out of the floor. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| The Macarena. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| That fucking rules. | ||
| And he goes right into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Look at the size of that place. | ||
| They're gonna all kill us eventually. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Oh, they're chanting it. | ||
| Fucking Squid Game. | ||
| Look at the size of that crowd. | ||
| Literally drone footage, dude. | ||
| We're gonna rock them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Holy shit! | ||
| That's insane! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| How many people was that, I wonder? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| It shook the whole place. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| That's millions of people. | ||
| Can you imagine being his wife? | ||
| Be like, hey, could you clean up a little? | ||
| See what I fucking did? | ||
| I just flew out of the floor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up and cook me a sandwich. | |
| Alright, we're done. | ||
| Should we eat? | ||
| God bless America. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, hell yeah. | ||
| Let's go get some gout! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Gout of order. |
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