March 21, 2024 - The Joe Rogan Experience
05:06:47
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day hell yes we're back fellas let's go so much shit to talk about You see that wild shit that's going on in Scotland where they're targeting comedians for hate crime laws? | ||
| Still? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Count Chocula? | ||
| Count Chocula? | ||
| Well, yeah, that was the same place with that guy, Dankula, right? | ||
| Count Dankula? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dankula! | ||
| Sounds like a weed head. | ||
| Do you remember that one? | ||
| No. | ||
| He got in trouble for making his dog do a Hitler. | ||
| He trained his dog to go, how little did he just do it? | ||
| To fuck with his girlfriend. | ||
| German Shepherd. | ||
| You got in trouble for that? | ||
| No, it was a little pug. | ||
| Yeah, he got by the law. | ||
| It was a cute little pug. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Bro, I think he got arrested. | ||
| I've done that in my whole life. | ||
| They brought him to fucking jail. | ||
| You get in trouble? | ||
| I do that every time I see a dog. | ||
| I did it with my friend's kid. | ||
| Yeah, you push his elbow and he does it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Please, Scotland, we won't target comedians under new hate crime law. | ||
| That's what you say now. | ||
| But stand-up shows still come under its scope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Jesus Christ, Scotland. | ||
| You have one of the biggest fucking comedy festivals on earth. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Every year. | ||
| It's a huge comedy festival. | ||
| But they're pretty queefy over there. | ||
| They'll cancel the show dick. | ||
| They'll queef it up. | ||
| But this is so queefy. | ||
| Hate crime. | ||
| Age, disability, religion, sexual orientation. | ||
| Fuck my whole act. | ||
| Yeah, everyone's whole act. | ||
| I was gonna say Marilyn's whole act. | ||
| Stirring up hatred on certain grounds. | ||
| It's everybody's act. | ||
| Sexual orientation, yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| These are just things that exist. | ||
| You gotta talk about age. | ||
| This is so ridiculous. | ||
| Wow, Scotland got weird. | ||
| Is that a real thing? | ||
| No way. | ||
| The training material is based on Scottish government's explanatory notes which accompany the legislation. | ||
| This included examples of a range of scenarios where offenses might take place, but this does not mean officers have been told to target these situations or locations. | ||
| But they can if they want. | ||
| Yeah, but if they can if they want. | ||
| Dude, the mugshots from this are going to be hilarious. | ||
| Every comic hamming it up, getting arrested for an AIDS joke. | ||
| What's been explained to me by my friends in the UK, specifically Francis Foster from Trigonometry, he's awesome. | ||
| He was telling me that this government is on the way out and that they're out of their fucking mind. | ||
| Every fucking generation goes this way, then that way. | ||
| This way, they go too far left, then they go too far right. | ||
| And so these fucking kooks have decided they're gonna target people and put them in jail. | ||
| Did you hear what happened in Belgium? | ||
| The dude got a year in jail for memes that were shared. | ||
| Memes that they shared in a private chat. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| They gave him a year. | ||
| We saw the memes. | ||
| The memes are nothing. | ||
| Wait, we saw the memes? | ||
| Yeah, you can see the memes. | ||
| The memes are online. | ||
| They're not that funny? | ||
| No, one of them was like a Hitler one that was like anti-Hitler. | ||
| It was like an anti-Nazi meme. | ||
| And this was one of the ones that was cited as being one of the offenses. | ||
| It's in a fucking private chat. | ||
| Imagine if I protect our hearts. | ||
| Before the show started, the conversation was cut out. | ||
| We should delete our data right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think we should have a mass delete. | |
| Turn the keys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, man. | |
| The podcast alone. | ||
| Yeah, this is worse than the group chat. | ||
| By the end of this episode, it'll be worse than... | ||
| You think? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how it always goes. | |
| You gotta see this... | ||
| The group chat is like, look at this kid falling. | ||
| I don't remember most of the back half. | ||
| You gotta see this Belgium story and realize this fucking dumb shit is happening in 2024 with the internet. | ||
| 2024. And you're going after people's phones and their private group... | ||
| Private chat? | ||
| What? | ||
| If everyone's private shit got leaked, we'd all be... | ||
| But they go to jail for it, too? | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| How far are we from being able to listen to anybody talk at any time? | ||
| The government can already do it. | ||
| How far is, like, everybody from being able to do that and everybody assuming that everything you say all the time is being recorded? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know how fucked we're gonna be if that happens? | ||
| Well, it's good. | ||
| You got Alexa in your house. | ||
| Your phone hears everything. | ||
| Yeah, but it's also, it's like if it was actionable, like if you start talking about things, like say if you're talking about some kind of medication that you can't use or some new law that they're going to pass that's going to fuck up free speech, whatever it is, if you're talking about that and then all of a sudden cops show up, if you're like, I want to kill these motherfuckers, because people say that shit. | ||
| You get around a guy, and he's drunk, and he makes $50,000 a year, and he sees where his tax money's going to, and he can barely get by, and he's fucking hammering, I wanna fucking kill Nancy Pelosi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They get crazy! | |
| People get crazy. | ||
| It doesn't mean they're actually gonna do it. | ||
| He's just getting drunk. | ||
| It's just drunk talk. | ||
| Other than that guy. | ||
| Put that hammer down and listen to me. | ||
| I wanna kill Nancy Pelosi. | ||
| He goes, nope. | ||
| That real go-getter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy was like, nope. | ||
| What a wild moment when he looks, he sees a cop, he's like, oh, I guess it's now. | ||
| How about How crazy is Paul Pelosi that he only had one hand on the dude because his other hand was on his drink? | ||
| How much faith did he have that he could get away with things? | ||
| Well, they knew each other, clearly. | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| The guy broke into the house with a hammer. | ||
| Seems like Paul was trying to keep it chill. | ||
| I don't think they knew each other. | ||
| No, I think that was the rumor that he was a gay lover. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| Yeah, no, no, no. | ||
| There's a video of the guy using the hammer he hit him in the fucking head with to break into the house. | ||
| Like, he's banging on the back door. | ||
| That sounds like ex-girlfriend shit, though. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Does it, though? | ||
| I think it's a schizophrenic in your house with a hammer. | ||
| Nancy Pelosi was like, you said you wouldn't embarrass me. | ||
| Yeah, it's a gay quarrel. | ||
| Maybe she sent someone in to whack him. | ||
| Maybe she thought about half of that $200 million she stole. | ||
| And she's like, you know what? | ||
| This is a horrible video, man. | ||
| I hate this video. | ||
| He's like, come on over. | ||
| Because look at him. | ||
| He's not even looking. | ||
| And this guy's got a fucking hammer, and he's got his hand on the hammer, and then the guy breaks the hammer loose and just bangs him in the head. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| No, he hit him more than once, I think. | ||
| When he went down, he hit him again. | ||
| But the thing is, like, he's snoring. | ||
| Now, when you're that old, and you get knocked the fuck out like that, that is really bad. | ||
| I mean, he might not ever be the same again. | ||
| He got hit in the head with a fucking metal hammer. | ||
| Still holding the drink though, you're right. | ||
| Bro, it's crazy he only had one hand on that hammer. | ||
| That is so nuts. | ||
| It's his superiority. | ||
| His confidence that he has that everything's gonna be fine. | ||
| That's a big guy too. | ||
| Big crazy looking motherfucker who just broke into your house and he has a hammer. | ||
| He thought that he was gonna like keep that guy chill until the cops got there and once the cops got there he's gonna keep him chill then they're just gonna arrest that guy. | ||
| He's like leading him forward too. | ||
| He's like come on, come on. | ||
| You can't let a guy turn your hand that way stupid. | ||
| You're against your thumb now. | ||
| If someone's grabbing something and trying to take it from you, look, always have something this way. | ||
| Wait, that's the... | ||
| Yeah, this is the guy breaking into the house. | ||
| He's so calm. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's a fucking psychopath. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| He's so calm. | ||
| So he pulls out a hammer. | ||
| Look, he's got a sleeping bag. | ||
| He's a fucking crazy homeless dude. | ||
| Wow, he got in there pretty easy. | ||
| Do you think he had any idea it was a Pelosi's? | ||
| Is that what we're saying? | ||
| How does this guy not have top-notch security? | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| How are you so confident that you could just sleep in that house? | ||
| Yeah, he could be, yeah. | ||
| In your crime-infested city? | ||
| That is so crazy. | ||
| I mean, that city is infested with crime. | ||
| He's so calm. | ||
| He looks like the comic book guy. | ||
| He's totally got a plan. | ||
| And he's also confident no one has a gun. | ||
| I like how he pulls out carefully all his tools and then the plan is, smash it! | ||
| He still can't get in. | ||
| So he bashes through this fucking door, which took a while. | ||
| It made a lot of noise. | ||
| Pelosi's pretty calm. | ||
| I would be freaking out. | ||
| Insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guy broke the door with a hammer. | |
| Good point. | ||
| Maybe we missed a whole chunk where the guy just runs up to him and blows him. | ||
| Maybe he broke in. | ||
| This was the fantasy. | ||
| The fantasy was like, and then Pelosi's like, I'm not pranking you. | ||
| The cops are here. | ||
| You broke my door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| And then he hits him with a hammer. | ||
| Maybe we're missing contacts. | ||
| Thank God you're here. | ||
| Bro, that's a horrific video to watch, though. | ||
| I won't listen to it. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's a clunk. | ||
| It's a horrible thud and then the snoring. | ||
| Regardless of what you think about them stealing money, that's terrible. | ||
| That's just terrible. | ||
| They definitely stole a lot of money. | ||
| I follow her stock tips. | ||
| I say stole money. | ||
| What I should be saying is engaged in insider trading that's legal. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| And it's just nuts that it's legal. | ||
| It's nuts that they can pass laws and they know the laws are coming and then they buy up stock and then they get... | ||
| Yeah, but who's... | ||
| They can't be stopped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's going to stop them? | |
| They would have to stop them. | ||
| Other than a hero. | ||
| A hammer. | ||
| Other than one heroic schizophrenic. | ||
| I mean, how do you stop them? | ||
| Bro. | ||
| They make the rules. | ||
| That's going to be a weird feeling to know that everybody knows that you got all your money by being a corrupt politician and you're just wandering around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just like, what are you going to do about it? | ||
| Yeah, what are you going to do about it? | ||
| Listen, the companies needed financial support. | ||
| We supported them and we were rewarded for that. | ||
| That's also why they probably need to keep making money. | ||
| Like, they need security. | ||
| Lots more and more security. | ||
| Yeah, they need a lot of security. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Higgins going wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did so good. | |
| Isn't it funny that Pelosi only gets the blunt of it? | ||
| Like, everybody else is doing it too. | ||
| She's the Speaker of the House. | ||
| Right, she's the Speaker of the House. | ||
| Well, she was. | ||
| Who's Higgins? | ||
| Who's Spy? | ||
| What does this mean? | ||
| Spy's like the S&P 500. Hold on, but this is based on the percentage of their returns. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So maybe Higgins is a new guy that just is in there getting really rich. | ||
| Pelosi's getting... | ||
| Right, but he's going after it hard. | ||
| He's going wild. | ||
| This is like the guy wearing the coat in Goodfellas. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Higgins, you dumbass. | ||
| You know, the Cadillac. | ||
| He pulls up on the Cadillac. | ||
| You said take it easy. | ||
| Take it back. | ||
| Take it back. | ||
| Take the Cadillac back. | ||
| Chill out. | ||
| I'm only here for one term. | ||
| I'm going to get mine. | ||
| Bro, that was such a good scene. | ||
| Such a good scene in Goodfellas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You realize they have to kill that guy because he's got a Cadillac. | |
| Get your shine box. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That was a different one. | ||
| In his defense, he said it lacks context. | ||
| Insider trading. | ||
| Viral post leads to claims of insider trading. | ||
| He says it lacks context. | ||
| What's the context? | ||
| Those numbers provide a distorted view of the facts. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Tell me more. | ||
| Tell me more, sir. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Higgins' argument is our argument. | ||
| It's like it's out of context. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's funny that he has to... | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
| These numbers provide a distorted view of the facts that a spokesperson for Higgins, even better move, use a spokesperson. | ||
| In a statement to 7 News, the truth is Congressman Higgins has minimal investments and holdings. | ||
| In 2023, one position, which he had held for years and is held by millions of other people, performed well. | ||
| Rep. | ||
| Higgins follows all ethics and financial reporting requirements. | ||
| Relatively speaking, he is always ranked amongst the most modest income earners in Congress. | ||
| No, it said he had less than 100 grand in the stocks. | ||
| So when he went up 80 grand, it was like, that's massive. | ||
| It's like the Pistons winning two games in a row. | ||
| Also, if he has minimal investments and holdings, he just gets lucky and he's got one of them is like NVIDIA. NVIDIA is a common one to hold. | ||
| And he goes, I've had it for years, it doubled. | ||
| It definitely jumped up when Nancy Pelosi fucking passed them bills. | ||
| Hey Nancy, you know anything about NVIDIA? Anything, Chance, I could do better? | ||
| I got a lot of money to bring up with this. | ||
| You gotta admire it because it's in front of everybody. | ||
| What do they care? | ||
| I mean, she banged Kennedy. | ||
| Did she? | ||
| Pull that photo up. | ||
| Pelosi? | ||
| Yeah, she was super young and hot. | ||
| No. | ||
| But are you sure she banged him or did she just knew him? | ||
| Well, I think if you're in Kennedy's orbit, you're blowing him. | ||
| You kind of want to and have to. | ||
| Minimum. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Minimum? | ||
| I think that's pretty standard. | ||
| Isn't it funny that everybody considers him like our greatest of all time president? | ||
| Hey, look at the young tans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's 17. She's 17, Pablosi. | |
| Wow. | ||
| She's 17, Mark, you sex pervert. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Well, that was legal. | ||
| She's still older than us. | ||
| Do you really think JFK was banging 17-year-olds? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| 100%. | ||
| Wasn't frowned upon. | ||
| Is that an insane... | ||
| Imagine bringing that up in a history class. | ||
| Imagine being in, like, a history class. | ||
| That's a cool teacher. | ||
| And telling the teacher, you know what I think? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wasn't he probably, though, begging a lot of 17-year-olds? | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| Let's get back to the Bay of Pigs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| Let's talk about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good name for his pool. | |
| Did he literally fuck everything that moved? | ||
| Bay of Pigs. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| It's kind of crazy, but to be the leader of a country like that, it's almost like a prerequisite. | ||
| You have to be a poonhound. | ||
| That's the only reason why you have the ambition to get to that spot in the first place. | ||
| Yeah, and up until Clinton, you kind of made fun of the girls. | ||
| And if you're not and you get into that position, now I'm skeptical. | ||
| What's your motive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's either war and money or pussy. | ||
| I'll take the guy who just wants pussy every day of the week. | ||
| It seems like the best ones. | ||
| Clinton when he was president. | ||
| Trump. | ||
| Trump, for sure. | ||
| Obama won a dick. | ||
| That's allegedly, sir. | ||
| That's allegedly. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| But our favorite is JFK, and he's like the known biggest poon out. | ||
| He's the known. | ||
| The known biggest. | ||
| What about those older guys, the drawn guys? | ||
| Poonhounds? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which ones? | ||
| Like the old-timey guys? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The ones that were drawn, not photographing. | ||
| Oh, what about the guy in the wheelchair? | ||
| Back in the drawing days, you could do whatever you wanted. | ||
| You're not going to be here long enough for someone to sketch this. | ||
| You could kill them. | ||
| You could kill a lady. | ||
| You could kill everybody. | ||
| And just go to the next town. | ||
| You could kill everybody. | ||
| And then they ask you, did you kill them? | ||
| We're moving to Annapolis. | ||
| Sorry, Philly. | ||
| And then he did it again. | ||
| He goes, let's go further. | ||
| What were their investigations like? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Did you kill him? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nope forensics. | ||
| Sounds good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, just evidence. | ||
| God, the lawyers back then, it's like, I just lost the witch trials. | ||
| I'm your new attorney. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| That was the worst lawyer of all time. | ||
| How did you lose that one? | ||
| The witch trials are the wildest shit of all time. | ||
| They're witches. | ||
| I got nothing. | ||
| They didn't even give you a lawyer back then. | ||
| That's like pretty new. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have to give you a lawyer. | ||
| They're just like, I can read. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Good luck with your trial. | ||
| I think mostly they drowned them, too. | ||
| It wasn't really a burning thing. | ||
| The burning thing is kind of a misnomer, right? | ||
| Is that right, Mark? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The drowning thing they used to do for sure... | ||
| He just pointed at me. | ||
| They definitely drowned them, right? | ||
| They had this thing where they would put you in, like, lock you to a chair and throw you in a pond. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| And then they'd be like, if she's a witch, she's gonna get out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then no one ever got out. | ||
| No one ever got out. | ||
| But also, like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| If she was a witch, she would just leave. | ||
| If they floated, they were proven to be a witch. | ||
| If they drowned, too bad. | ||
| But at least they weren't a witch. | ||
| According to Smith, this type of test was also a myth carried over from early European history. | ||
| It's just like the burning at the stake. | ||
| Now they're just cunts. | ||
| Well, that's not true, though. | ||
| I guarantee they burn some people alive. | ||
| They definitely burn some people alive. | ||
| They definitely. | ||
| What if they didn't have a leg near them? | ||
| Listen, man, they killed people in horrific ways and just lied about it when they wrote it down afterwards. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
| Museum of Torture in Amsterdam? | ||
| I went to that. | ||
| It rules. | ||
| It's just like this pyramid that you're supposed to let a guy put his ass on and just pull down. | ||
| That's a good way to go. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Pull him apart. | ||
| That sucked. | ||
| One was the coffin with the spikes in it and they close it on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that fucking Vlad the Impaler guy. | |
| So the witch trials in Salem consisted mainly of a physical examination for the witch's test? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Teat. | |
| The teat. | ||
| Oh, what is that? | ||
| Which the Puritans believed was a sort of third nipple from which witches familiar would suck blood. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Woe be unto a woman with skin tags or a weird mole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Damn, you got a skin tag. | ||
| You're getting your head cut off. | ||
| Surprisingly modern language on that. | ||
| A weird mole. | ||
| They think of familiar sucking blood out of your third tit. | ||
| You know how those ended? | ||
| The witch trials? | ||
| Some lady was like, you're a witch! | ||
| And everybody went, ah. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| It just ended because they were getting annoyed with how she was just calling everybody she hated a witch. | ||
| Well, you know how it started? | ||
| There's your fifth one. | ||
| It started with ergot. | ||
| They had an early frost, and when you have an early frost sometimes, it gives you... | ||
| I see you, Jamie. | ||
| This says that's a myth. | ||
| I saw it at the bottom. | ||
| I saw you, you nasty fucker. | ||
| And ergot has like an... | ||
| I watched him. | ||
| He knows the story. | ||
| No, it says it's a myth. | ||
| No, you can see that at the bottom. | ||
| That's what it says. | ||
| What's ergot? | ||
| Wait a minute, but they've proven that ergot was in wheat during that time. | ||
| I was just saying... | ||
| What's Urgot? | ||
| When you win all five awards? | ||
| Hold on, let Jamie talk so I can hear what he's saying. | ||
| Massachusetts would not have had that problem, but I don't know why. | ||
| It says they would have known how to fix it by then. | ||
| Yeah, but they found evidence of Urgot. | ||
| But the problem is they found evidence. | ||
| Find that. | ||
| Because I know they found, one of the reasons why they came up with this theory in the first place is they found evidence of Urgot. | ||
| What's ergot? | ||
| It's like a fucking fungus that grows on wheat and it makes people trip balls, like acid. | ||
| For sure there was one that happened in France, where a bunch of people died. | ||
| It's actually the thing that they found in those vessels that show that the Romans and the ancient Greek were doing those psychedelic rituals. | ||
| They found these pottery vessels that have ergot in them. | ||
| Is it available anymore? | ||
| Ergon, I think, it's still available. | ||
| But it's super toxic, too. | ||
| It kills people. | ||
| The theory that went popular was started in a 1976 edition of Science Magazine, where it talked about the ergot theory, but as of now, they think that it is not probably true. | ||
| Interesting, but why do they think it's not true? | ||
| When they start dismissing psychedelic stuff, I'm always like, how do you know for sure, for sure? | ||
| Because if ergot does exist, and ergot is a thing that grows on wheat, and a bunch of people are just fucking freaking out about things... | ||
| The cultural fascination of LSD during this period. | ||
| Was it the same? | ||
| It was in the 70s. | ||
| So this theory came out in the 70s, it said. | ||
| The theory came out. | ||
| So when people started using acid, the theory came out. | ||
| See, I was under the impression that there was actual evidence of ergot in samples that they got. | ||
| I'm looking for that. | ||
| I found this by typing in evidence of ergot. | ||
| I might be mixed up because I know they found evidence. | ||
| No, I've heard that story. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard it, but I'm not sure if it's true. | ||
| But I know they found evidence for sure in these ancient pottery vessels. | ||
| So they know these people that were involved in the Eleusinian mysteries and all that shit that was going down in Greece 2,000 plus years ago. | ||
| They were tripping balls. | ||
| It just says it led to this theory being put in the school curriculum as an explanation for the... | ||
| No way. | ||
| School curriculum's taught that? | ||
| I don't know that they have actual evidence of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| Other than just being passed on. | ||
| I think I'm done with acid. | ||
| We got mushrooms, I don't need acid anymore. | ||
| I'm the opposite. | ||
| You like acid more? | ||
| I've been way more into acid lately. | ||
| What? | ||
| You can control it. | ||
| No. | ||
| Smooth, smooth. | ||
| It's a chemical. | ||
| You're not hitting the floor. | ||
| Bro, you are trusting bathtub chemists with your sanity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You are trusting. | ||
| They're the most trustworthy. | ||
| The CIA's writing this down right now, and they're like, dos Ari Shafir with the good stuff. | ||
| The stuff we used on Jack Ruby. | ||
| Also, it's liquid. | ||
| You can put it on paper. | ||
| You can put it on your hand. | ||
| The cheeseburger seeps in. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| That's gonna be a myth, too. | ||
| You think? | ||
| It seeps in your hands? | ||
| I don't think it seeps in. | ||
| No, it definitely does. | ||
| That's how the original... | ||
| Yeah, that's how... | ||
| What's his face? | ||
| Leary? | ||
| I have touched it a lot with my bare hands. | ||
| I've never gotten anything while I'm moving it place to place. | ||
| What was the name of Albert Hoffman? | ||
| That's how Albert Hoffman discovered it. | ||
| It was a women's fertility drug they're working on. | ||
| But wasn't it still wet? | ||
| It was to induce labor. | ||
| Was it dried in or was it still wet? | ||
| I think he just got it on his hands. | ||
| And he had a crazy dose, apparently. | ||
| And then went on a bike ride. | ||
| And this dude was just dripping balls. | ||
| We went to a festival in Western Georgia a couple years ago. | ||
| And somebody was testing all the coke. | ||
| We gotta test it first. | ||
| I thought that meant just try it. | ||
| But they were like... | ||
| You know, chemically tested. | ||
| Like a fentanyl. | ||
| They're like, 100% pure, buy coke from that guy. | ||
| And then later they went to get acid from this chick on a bus and they were like, tested it. | ||
| 0% acid in that. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Some sort of like liquid mescaline. | ||
| And then the guy who had it was like, it was freshly dipped. | ||
| It's all over my hands. | ||
| And he just started flying. | ||
| One of the stories I know as a music engineer of this being true because of the guy that like made acid was a Grateful Dead engineer. | ||
| Half a century. | ||
| The guy who made acid? | ||
| One of the guys. | ||
| Oh, a guy who made it. | ||
| Like one of the guys. | ||
| Oh, the guys, right. | ||
| Okay, so not only is LSD absorbed through the skin on contact, but it can apparently stay potent for half a century. | ||
| San Francisco sound engineer Elliot Curtis found that out for himself when he was fixing a 1960s synthesizer and then tripped for nine hours straight, completely unaware that the device had been encrusted with decades-old LSD. That guy took acid and made up a story, bro. | ||
| Or somebody painted their... | ||
| Imagine if you leave a synthesizer and you go, I'm going to paint this bitch with acid. | ||
| Someone's eventually going to touch this. | ||
| Someone's going to get their greasy fucking hands on this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Painted it. | |
| Just go see God. | ||
| Well, the old myth is Manson dipped a bunch of Bible pages in acid and then brought a Bible into prison that would just eat it every day. | ||
| Well, Manson was in touch with Jolly West. | ||
| Jolly West visited Manson when he was in prison. | ||
| Jolly West was the head of MKUltra, and they did LSD experiments on people. | ||
| And that's the primary theory in the book, Chaos. | ||
| Chaos by this guy, Tom O'Neil. | ||
| They made him crazy? | ||
| He's Fitzsimmons, buddy. | ||
| Do you know Fitzsimmons was next door neighbor to this guy? | ||
| He was writing his book on the Manson family murders for like 20 years. | ||
| That's Tom O'Neil. | ||
| The book's insane. | ||
| So this Jolly West guy visited Manson when he was in jail, visited Jack Ruby when he was in prison, and Jack Ruby went nuts. | ||
| Wait, before they did the thing? | ||
| Yeah, before they did the thing. | ||
| Look, I think what it was was they were trying to get rid of the anti-war movement, and they were trying to get rid of the civil rights movement, and they were trying to get rid of a bunch of different things that were going on at the same time, and one of the ways they did it It was to, A, make all drugs illegal. | ||
| But one of the best ways to make all drugs illegal and discredit the hippies is dose up a bunch of them and get it to murder people in horrific ways. | ||
| And then all of a sudden the hippies become the most dangerous force in America. | ||
| And if you've got the power of the media behind you and you've pushed that narrative and you make it happen, You know, you're essentially waging war on American civilians. | ||
| You're essentially waging, like, a psychological war on the population that's paying your salary. | ||
| It is a wild thing they did, but they definitely did it. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, CIA's fucking lame. | ||
| They have too much power. | ||
| Like, all groups that have too much power, you're gonna do some wacky shit. | ||
| The Dulles brothers, they can kick rocks as far as I'm concerned. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Dallas Airport? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dallas, Texas? | |
| They might be involved in the assassination of Kennedy, too. | ||
| They probably killed JFK. Oh, shit! | ||
| I think there was a lot of people involved in that. | ||
| I think that guy was... | ||
| He was tossing up the apple cart a little too much. | ||
| Too much? | ||
| They were like, uh-uh. | ||
| Too many people. | ||
| And back then, again, this was just 50 years past the drawing of people. | ||
| I mean, like, you go to fucking look for a photo from 1890. Good luck, bitch. | ||
| So, you know, see, here you are. | ||
| 60, 70 years later. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you're dealing with one president that's gonna get rid of the fucking Federal Reserve. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, you are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| What the fuck is this guy doing? | ||
| And then he's gonna get in a convertible and drive through Texas where they hated him in Texas. | ||
| Pretty ballsy. | ||
| Suddenly it's a convertible. | ||
| But they hated him in Texas. | ||
| Great headshot. | ||
| They hated him in Texas. | ||
| Like, Texas was red. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He was driving through Dallas. | ||
| They hated him. | ||
| You ever go to the X in Dallas? | ||
| Yeah, go out the street. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Fun to see it. | ||
| Isn't it weird how little it is? | ||
| Like, the area? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Anybody who says you couldn't make that shot is out of their fucking minds. | ||
| Out of their fucking minds. | ||
| All the arguments that he couldn't make that shot are so stupid. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He got three off pretty quick, though, right? | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| And he missed one by, like, a mile? | ||
| It doesn't mean even that that was him. | ||
| It doesn't mean that. | ||
| It just means he was in that building. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| We're back on the same page. | ||
| The thing about it is, the thing about it is, they made up a theory. | ||
| On the count of three, one, two, three, and then everyone just shot. | ||
| No, they did something like that. | ||
| They saw him, they probably all had a signal, something happened. | ||
| Maybe an umbrella right next to him? | ||
| They're not- if they're gonna shoot the fucking president- His wife, Jacqueline? | ||
| No, there was a guy opening an umbrella for no- No, that's nonsense. | ||
| Nah, you saw it. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's nonsense. | |
| It's just a guy opening an umbrella. | ||
| Some people think his fucking bodyguard shot him. | ||
| The whole Secret Service guy shot him. | ||
| Look, there was probably a bunch of people shooting at him. | ||
| He got hit in the neck, for sure. | ||
| He grabs his neck. | ||
| From the front. | ||
| Yeah, from the front. | ||
| He grabs his neck. | ||
| They altered it when they got to the second autopsy. | ||
| They did two autopsies. | ||
| They got his body initially in Dallas, and then they flew it to Bethesda. | ||
| So in the interim, they changed what was listed as an entry hole in his neck to a tracheotomy. | ||
| And they say it's just like, no, no, that was just like, they did it wrong over there. | ||
| Well, there was a lot of shenanigans between the two autopsies. | ||
| The autopsies, they wouldn't let them do it. | ||
| The federal, they took the body. | ||
| The generals showed up. | ||
| It was heavy-duty shit. | ||
| All people, they're like, he's got to go. | ||
| The best book on this is Best Evidence by a guy named David Lifton, who was an accountant. | ||
| They hired him to go over the Warren Commission report. | ||
| And he went, no, I'm sorry. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Back and to the left. | ||
| So this guy goes over this. | ||
| Nobody would read the whole Warrant Commission report. | ||
| It's like fucking 900 pages. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But this dude read all of it. | ||
| He read all of it and found all these inconsistencies, all these things that didn't make sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so he writes this book about it. | ||
| His research was just reading it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The thing that was out that no one went to. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's all he had to start doing. | ||
| A lot of people died, dude. | ||
| A lot of people that saw the assassination died in weird ways. | ||
| Bobby, too. | ||
| Like a giant number of people that were on the scene died. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, weird ways. | ||
| Like, they did a statistical analysis of what are the likelihood of all these people being either murdered or suicide within a short period of time, and it was very low. | ||
| Well, thank God for Zapruder. | ||
| He was like the original world star. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was the guy, yeah. | |
| He was world star. | ||
| He was out there filming. | ||
| And isn't it crazy that we know about this because of Dick Gregory? | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Dick Gregory the comic brought on the Geraldo Rivera show. | ||
| We know about this because of Geraldo and Dick Gregory. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yep, they played it live on TV, and it's fucking crazy. | ||
| You gotta imagine, that was 12 years after the assassination. | ||
| You know Dick Gregory completely stopping a comic to become a full-time activist? | ||
| Yeah, he started that train. | ||
| Right around here. | ||
| Right around here. | ||
| He's going through here. | ||
| He gets hit. | ||
| Right here he gets hit. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| He's hit. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, the neck. | ||
| He's hit. | ||
| Now we know something's going on. | ||
| My wife does nothing. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I mean, he literally got shot in the neck. | ||
| I mean, he's already probably dead. | ||
| Seems pretty serious. | ||
| But now watch this one. | ||
| This is a rough one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is why I'm voting for RFK. Oh, he's spewing! | |
| Yeah, I mean, his head exploded. | ||
| His head just exploded. | ||
| Well, I missed it. | ||
| His head exploded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exploded. | |
| And she's like, oh, it's over. | ||
| Now, is this an AI enhancement of this, Jamie? | ||
| It says it's a super slow-mo and sharpened version. | ||
| That's a good agent. | ||
| Yo, how come nobody's throwing the Zapruder film into AI to clean this shit up? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Bro, that is the wildest video. | ||
| Can we see that again? | ||
| He definitely got hit again. | ||
| Head blow. | ||
| Head blow is tough. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| He's probably already dead. | ||
| He got hit through the neck with a bullet. | ||
| He's already dead. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| He just hasn't died yet. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| She's lucky she didn't get in the way. | ||
| Jamie, slow that down again. | ||
| And then she freaks the fuck out. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Who's that guy behind? | ||
| Who's the guy behind, though? | ||
| Everybody's freaking out. | ||
| There's gunshots going off. | ||
| She had something to do with it. | ||
| This lady? | ||
| She had something to do with it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's so hot she's there with no man. | ||
| Now, here's what's interesting. | ||
| Here's what's interesting. | ||
| The spray goes forward, but the head goes backwards. | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense, though. | ||
| The head goes back into the left, but it doesn't really. | ||
| It does, because you open up a hole and it sprays out, and then you go back. | ||
| Right, but it generally doesn't go that way. | ||
| It goes the other way. | ||
| What, behind him? | ||
| The bullet goes through and then sprays out the back. | ||
| Did the bullet get out the back? | ||
| It could be more than one person hitting him in the head at the same time, too. | ||
| We're starting off heavy, huh? | ||
| What happened to a hello? | ||
| You know, you have to consider there's probably multiple gunners in the grassy knoll. | ||
| They're not gonna take a chance. | ||
| When they're gonna assassinate the president, they're gonna have multiple dudes shooting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Mmm. | ||
| That's brain, bro. | ||
| That's brain. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| They said that she climbed, it's crazy, the news report initially said that she climbed out to try to retrieve parts of her husband's brain, but that is just not true. | ||
| Didn't they say she brought it to the hospital? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I heard that. | ||
| She had it in her pocket. | ||
| She did look like she went and grabbed something and then went back in the car. | ||
| She maybe did grab a piece in full shot. | ||
| Apparently she brought it to the hospital. | ||
| It is a good one. | ||
| They glued that back in. | ||
| Imagine if they could do that and just glue your brains back together. | ||
| They could do it with teeth. | ||
| Like a Justin Bobbitt. | ||
| Same thing! | ||
| The teeth of the brain and the mouth. | ||
| Such a wild scene. | ||
| Hey, if we're doing this, what happened to the Boeing guy? | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Oh, the Boeing guy realized that he's a piece of shit. | ||
| We talked about this on stage yesterday. | ||
| Yeah, we did figure that out. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about it on stage yesterday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The Boeing guy realized, the guy who committed suicide realized that he did a terrible thing by accusing a company of cutting corners, and he felt embarrassed. | ||
| He felt stupid. | ||
| That he shamed this great company that has done so well for all of us. | ||
| How many times have we flown on a Boeing plane? | ||
| And he did the right thing. | ||
| Boeing planes are amazing. | ||
| They kill himself. | ||
| He knew it, and he was like, what have I done? | ||
| So he killed himself. | ||
| But the wheels are falling off, doors are coming off, planes are fucked right now. | ||
| That's allegedly. | ||
| That's allegedly. | ||
| Boeing whistleblower told friend not to believe suicide before he died. | ||
| Oh, Christ. | ||
| Hey, if somebody says I killed myself, that means I didn't kill myself. | ||
| Anytime you hear that, though, you're like, are you about to kill yourself, though? | ||
| What an odd thing to say. | ||
| But it's not if you're Julian Assange. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| If you really think they're gonna whack you. | ||
| That's what, uh, what's his name said too? | ||
| McAfee. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of those guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
McAfee is a wild boy. | |
| Pat McAfee is going. | ||
| Did he guess the Chiefs? | ||
| John McAfee was one of the only guys that I just had on the phone. | ||
| I didn't even have him live on the podcast. | ||
| I had him on the phone. | ||
| We did a podcast with him when he was running from the law in his country because he says they set him up by killing his neighbor, but he was also allegedly online showing people how to cook meth. | ||
| That guy's awesome. | ||
| There was an account that was linked to him that was like he had a lab in his backyard. | ||
| I mean, it's documented. | ||
| This dude had a fucking full-on... | ||
| He was a genius billionaire who had a full-on meth lab. | ||
| He created McAfee antiviral software. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah. | |
| He's rich as fuck. | ||
| He had deus ex-machina. | ||
| Where was he? | ||
| In Bolivia? | ||
| That was his house. | ||
| Was he in Belize? | ||
| Jimmy, it's a wild story. | ||
| See if you can find the story of his meth lab. | ||
| He was in Belize. | ||
| This boy was wild. | ||
| We had him on our podcast. | ||
| Didn't he really want to have people shit through it? | ||
| Did you have him live in the room? | ||
| Zoom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There he is! | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| What a badass. | ||
| When was this? | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| This was during COVID. He's like a John Goodman character. | ||
| He's so crazy, dude. | ||
| He was so funny on this. | ||
| He was so crazy, but also really was in charge of, like, antivirus software. | ||
| He's a real genius. | ||
| Yeah, and he was on everyone's computer. | ||
| And what he said is that he donated them computers. | ||
| Here, have some computers. | ||
| And he had, like, malware in it, the government. | ||
| So he gave them, like, 50 laptops. | ||
| And they're like, okay! | ||
| And they take these, that's what he says. | ||
| I mean, that's how they do it. | ||
| I mean, that's how I would do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I was him. | ||
| That's how we did it. | ||
| We sold, like, that type of, we sold, like, spy technology to our allies. | ||
| That's why Huawei phones. | ||
| That had malware in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's why you can't buy a Huawei phone. | ||
| Huawei phones are, like, the most sophisticated phones in the world. | ||
| What was the Alien movie? | ||
| That's how they beat them. | ||
| At the end. | ||
| He was making various types of bath salts. | ||
| Independence Day. | ||
| That's how they put them. | ||
| Malware. | ||
| Look what he says. | ||
| I think it's the finest drug ever conceived. | ||
| He wrote of one singling out the indescribable hypersexuality of the super perv powder, but warning that I had visual and auditory hallucinations and the worst paranoia of my life. | ||
| That guy! | ||
| That guy had the worst paranoia of his life. | ||
| Well, Hitler liked it. | ||
| Wow, he's so clean-cut there. | ||
| He's so different when Bat and Shane got to him. | ||
| By the time he fell off to me and Matt. | ||
| So when we had a podcast with him, he was on the run. | ||
| Look at that, what a hunk. | ||
| Look at this nerd. | ||
| He made himself a friend. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| It's something I admire about him. | ||
| He doesn't like him. | ||
| He's like drowning. | ||
| You're a nerd. | ||
| I kind of admire that. | ||
| I admire the billionaire who goes totally off the rails. | ||
| He just lived only with prostitutes. | ||
| Hit only prostitutes in his... | ||
| Is he the one that women shit through a hammock onto his chest? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Is that true? | ||
| Yes, we asked him about it. | ||
| Alright, now I'm off the team. | ||
| Wait, tell me about the shitting for the hammock. | ||
| Apparently he was having ladies shit through a hammock on him. | ||
| Alright, that plane's at. | ||
| And he was like, do I ask you about your sexual proclivities? | ||
| And we're like, yeah, you asked us if we were gay right away. | ||
| Did he tell you the story? | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| No, he was like, if that makes you uncomfortable, I've done way more. | ||
| And Matt was like, from like higher hammocks. | ||
| So the splat was bigger. | ||
| It was so good, dude. | ||
| What a psycho. | ||
| Don't you love the fact that there's a guy like that running around? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Billions of dollars. | ||
| Unless you're his neighbor. | ||
| You gotta sell your property. | ||
| Smells like shit again. | ||
| I think they were framing the boy. | ||
| They might have been, or he might have been on that fucking hypersexuality. | ||
| He might have been on the drugs he said he was on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was heavily armed. | |
| Bro, he's a guy doing meth who's heavily armed. | ||
| Being shit on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who cares what happens there? | |
| Allegedly. | ||
| He got a bunch of armed... | ||
| He just started building an army. | ||
| Yeah, he was off the rails. | ||
| He's having fun. | ||
| He's one of the bros. | ||
| He's still going, right? | ||
| Also, he's like, how come this guy gets to have an army? | ||
| I don't get to have an army. | ||
| He got suicided in Spain. | ||
| He got bowinged? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| He got suicided. | ||
| I think he was when he tweeted. | ||
| He was like, if I die, I didn't do it. | ||
| Meanwhile, he's on a pound of crank. | ||
| Yeah, he might go. | ||
| He could go at any moment. | ||
| If he had one of them fucking Garmin watches on, he'd be like, 197! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy! | |
| A minute after tweeting that, he goes, oh, but now we could blame them if I did do it. | ||
| Bro, he redlined his fucking heart. | ||
| He could have redlined his heart. | ||
| He's 80 years old doing Crank. | ||
| How old was the guy when he died? | ||
| 89. No, he was 80. He's younger than that. | ||
| He's in methed-up 70s. | ||
| Methed-up 70s is like 99. Holy shit, he was 75? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He looked good. | ||
| He was like 70 when we interviewed him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Methed-up 70s is like pro-athlete knees. | |
| Pro-athletes, when they're 35, their knees are fucked. | ||
| Or a fat guy's heart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a rough one. | ||
| Fat guys get two seats on the plane. | ||
| Speaking of Boeing. | ||
| Finally. | ||
| They get a free seat. | ||
| They're encouraging people. | ||
| I'm going back to Kevin. | ||
| Stretch it out. | ||
| Stretch it out. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird one, huh? | ||
| That guy's an interesting fucking character. | ||
| He would be a great movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| In the movie, have him kill his neighbor, too. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're going to decide. | ||
| It's your movie. | ||
| Let's kill the neighbor. | ||
| And you've got to get the hammock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like the neighbor probably sucked. | |
| Yeah, he didn't just kill them because they were awesome because they only mowed the glass. | ||
| Hey, could you keep it down? | ||
| Didn't the neighbor do something to his dog, too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| That's what I heard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, the neighbor did something to his dog. | ||
| Maybe kill one of his dogs. | ||
| That's over the line. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You've got to go full John Wick. | ||
| It's cool when John Wick did it. | ||
| Yeah, that's how you do it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Kill my dog. | ||
| Imagine hurting Carl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would never shoot my neighbor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you say? | |
| They killed my dog? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not just meth, but meth. | |
| Meth he engineered in a fucking lab he built on his property that he documented online. | ||
| He wanted the community to know about this meth lab. | ||
| He wanted to know about how proficient his meth lab was, you know, fucking really, like, scientifically accurate everything. | ||
| He was measuring everything perfectly, you know, beakers and all this shit. | ||
| He documented it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's awesome. | |
| Fucking meth lab in Belize! | ||
| You can call it bath salts all day, but what it is, that's just engineered meth. | ||
| That's what bath salts was. | ||
| What's the other meth? | ||
| Not engineered? | ||
| It's just different. | ||
| There's different things that you can do to a compound, so it's not exactly the same compound. | ||
| He made his own meth. | ||
| Like 5-methoxy-dimethyltryptamine was legal for a while because it wasn't technically dimethyltryptamine. | ||
| It's even stronger than... | ||
| So they add an oxygen molecule to it. | ||
| So this is better than meth. | ||
| If you can engineer meth, if you're a super genius who makes fucking software that can stop viruses, I bet you can figure out how to make some killer meth. | ||
| And this dude cooked up some fine shit, apparently. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Makes you want to try it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd give it a shot. | |
| That seems like the best way to get into meth is that meth. | ||
| The thing is, I have a feeling you never want to go back to normal. | ||
| It's like flying first class. | ||
| That was one of the things that lady said. | ||
| The lady in the FTX trials, she was talking about how being on amphetamines all the time makes you realize how normal, sober interaction, how fucking boring they are. | ||
| And she, like, tweeted it. | ||
| I would take Adderall at work. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I was working like customers. | ||
| I was front desk talking to people. | ||
| I was like, hey, that was nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So he got a dollar sign whacked. | |
| So you got whacked for money? | ||
| Is that what it means? | ||
| He's saying this is when he said, like, just in case if I suicide myself, I didn't. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Getting subtle messages from U.S. officials saying, in effect, we're coming for you, McAfee. | ||
| You got Epstein. | ||
| We're going to kill you. | ||
| We're going to kill yourself. | ||
| That's a good way to say it. | ||
| Yeah, that's an interesting way to say it. | ||
| I got a tattoo today, just in case if I suicide myself, I didn't. | ||
| I was whacked. | ||
| Check my right arm. | ||
| So what happened to him, though? | ||
| Was it a suicide or was it something else? | ||
| I think he was in... | ||
| Was he in Spanish prison? | ||
| He was in prison. | ||
| He was just about to be extradited when he was found supposedly hanging. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| His wife claimed that it shouldn't have happened, but when looked into it, the Spanish authorities said suicide. | ||
| Of course they did. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| That's what their pages say. | ||
| That's what the money says to us like. | ||
| So you're getting a tattoo saying, hey, if it comes out that I'm dead, it's because somebody, like, killed me. | ||
| And instead you got an artful shwacked? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It looks nice. | ||
| You couldn't just do it. | ||
| Shwacked is nice, dude. | ||
| Don't talk shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do want that shwack later. | |
| But let's look at this logically. | ||
| Why would the government kill him? | ||
| That's what I don't get. | ||
| Let the guy have fun. | ||
| He knew too much about... | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| All the malware. | ||
| Did the malware to them? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| NSA, Mossad, they all got the... | ||
| So what do you think it is? | ||
| You think he found some stuff out when he was looking to the computers? | ||
| I think he was one of the architects of that type of thing. | ||
| I think he'd probably fuck with them, and they were like, don't fuck with us. | ||
| Why'd you give us malware? | ||
| Now we're going to fuck with them. | ||
| He's like, I'm going to tell everybody. | ||
| He's on meth. | ||
| He's going, I'm going to tell everybody. | ||
| Oh, he's talking shit? | ||
| We're spying our own allies. | ||
| They like to talk on meth. | ||
| And if he really did have all their stuff, that is a crime. | ||
| Like, if you really did install malware and get top-secret shit, they'll kill you for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| They might not even bother taking you to court. | ||
| Soon after joining the MGMT, McAfee said he and his team exploited a flaw in the Android operating system that allowed him to read encrypted messages from WhatsApp. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Oh, he could read messages. | ||
| Does Moto investigate it? | ||
| He reported he had sent reporters malware-infected phones to make this hack work. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| You can't ruin his reputation, either. | ||
| Of course the phones had malware on them, he said. | ||
| How that malware got there is the story, which we will release after speaking with Google. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It involves a serious flaw in the Android architecture. | |
| It's a crazy move. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| It involves a serious flaw in the Android architecture. | ||
| What is that flaw? | ||
| I just wanted to make the MGMT joke. | ||
| MGMT? Go back to that, Jimmy. | ||
| Go back to that. | ||
| It says McAfee moved MGT to mining of Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies. | ||
| Oh, he's a criminal. | ||
| Yeah, he rules. | ||
| It was like when Suge Knight said he stuck Eazy-E on Kimmel. | ||
| Oh yeah, he gave him AIDS. He was like, you know, there's lots of ways to kill somebody. | ||
| You might just hire someone to stick him with a needle with fucking AIDS. You know what I'm talking about. | ||
| And everyone in the audience is like, what the? | ||
| He did that on Jimmy Kimmel? | ||
| Yeah, Jimmy Kimmel was wearing a flak jacket. | ||
| Bro, how wild was it that Jimmy Kimmel had Suge Knight on? | ||
| It was cool Kimmel. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It was back then. | ||
| You can get canceled today for having Chris D'Elia on your podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, can you fucking imagine? | ||
| You're bringing Suge Knight on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The dude hung Vanilla Ice off a balcony. | ||
| Was it Vanilla Ice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He just ran over a guy. | ||
| By his ankles. | ||
| Ran over a guy and killed him on video. | ||
| Jeff Ross frightened. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Terrified. | ||
| Oh, this is back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kimmel had no one back then. | ||
| This was a get. | ||
| Yeah, he's pretty much saying I fucking... | ||
| It's a wild... | ||
| Easy E with AIDS. That's why it progressed so fast. | ||
| That's a wild conversation. | ||
| Suge Knight looks like Kimmel. | ||
| That's Karl Malone. | ||
| Oh my god, he does! | ||
| He does. | ||
| Oh my god, he does! | ||
| You nailed it! | ||
| Oh my god, he does. | ||
| Is that Liguizamo? | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Imagine Leguizamo was the first guest before Suge Knight. | ||
| Who gives a fuck about some actor Leguizamo? | ||
| Leguizamo rules, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was at Super Mario Brothers. | |
| Leguizamo was in John Wick, you piece of shit. | ||
| Leguizamo rules, dude. | ||
| I don't dare you. | ||
| I named my cat after him. | ||
| I lost touch after the second one-man show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a slow death. | |
| Feed up new thing out that people sell them all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They got the stuff to call they get blood from somebody with AIDS Yeah, they shoot you with it. | |
| Oh Well Wally takes a puff of his cigar with his boots up. | ||
| You got a murderer! | ||
| Remember those days? | ||
| When there was a number? | ||
| Or a color, rather? | ||
| Today's yellow. | ||
| Let's go to the store. | ||
| It's yellow. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Let's go do stand-up. | ||
| We're gonna stay home if it's orange. | ||
| It tastes fucking orange. | ||
| I'm not going anywhere. | ||
| What a great way to make everyone stay home on a day they need them to. | ||
| Well, what a great way to test how you can freak people out. | ||
| How quickly we forgot about those colors. | ||
| That was a weird one. | ||
| The color system for terrorism. | ||
| After 9-11. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They tried it. | ||
| They tried it. | ||
| We were like, come on. | ||
| Did you forget the email saying, avoid the mall on October 21st. | ||
| There's going to be an attack on a mall. | ||
| That's just the Jewish emails. | ||
| You guys got secret emails? | ||
| That's why you're tunneling. | ||
| How about a little heads up? | ||
| You never got those in the couple years after? | ||
| There's intel that's going to be on this day in a mall or on this day in a fucking airport. | ||
| I got an Amber Alert today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Texas goes wild with Amber Alerts. | |
| You know what I don't miss about California? | ||
| The forest fires. | ||
| The fires were crazy in California. | ||
| You ain't never seen anything like it. | ||
| They're here now. | ||
| Yeah, bullshit fires. | ||
| You guys took everything. | ||
| Listen, they're bad, but they're not bad like it is in L.A. Because it doesn't rain there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know they have those things, like the colors for fires, with the fire warning? | ||
| It was always red. | ||
| It was always red. | ||
| It's not red for like three months out of the year. | ||
| Do not smoke a cigarette on Laurel Canyon. | ||
| If you're an asshole, these fucking assholes that throw cigarettes out the window when they're done with them, these littering cocksuckers, You're not even allowed to smoke in your car with the windows up on the way up Loral Canyon. | ||
| You're not? | ||
| Yeah, when it's like dry, they're like, don't. | ||
| Because it just goes up in a blaze. | ||
| So I was coming home one night. | ||
| I got evacuated three times when I lived in California. | ||
| Three fucking times. | ||
| But I was coming home one night, and the whole side of the highway, I was coming home from Fear Factor, the whole side of the highway for an hour was on fire. | ||
| You sent us pictures from your flip phone. | ||
| Bro, it was madness. | ||
| It was just like one side of the highway fire, one side green. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was madness. | |
| It was like a scene from the fucking... | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| It was like a scene from fucking a Hobbit movie. | ||
| Where are we even going? | ||
| Why are we driving that way? | ||
| Lord of the Rings. | ||
| Apocalyptic. | ||
| Dude, this was not nearly as bad as... | ||
| This is the 405. This is the head of Santa Monica. | ||
| But this is much more contained than what I saw. | ||
| What I saw was an hour of driving. | ||
| A full hour going like 40 miles an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it hot? | |
| 50 miles an hour. | ||
| Were you hot? | ||
| No, but it was raining ashes like snow. | ||
| So you were seeing ashes fall out of the sky like snow. | ||
| The whole right side of the highway. | ||
| And dude, sometimes that shit jumps. | ||
| You get a crosswind, it jumps, it hits a car, it gets other cars. | ||
| There was, in Northern California, a whole highway full of stopped cars. | ||
| Everybody died. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Everybody got consumed by fire. | ||
| Look at this shit, dude. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| These people are praying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Donald Trump, please help us. | |
| Please save us. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And you don't know where the fire is. | ||
| You're just guessing. | ||
| It's not like fire or Google. | ||
| You might be going right to it. | ||
| You might be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't know. | |
| You don't know where you're driving. | ||
| You can't see. | ||
| This is a windy road. | ||
| This is some poor Uber Eats driver. | ||
| He's like, I'm going to get there. | ||
| Bro, this is so nuts, man. | ||
| This is so nuts. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| So this is what I don't miss. | ||
| And I know they have fires out here, but bro, you ain't never seen fires like those dry climate, high grasses. | ||
| And the worst is when it rains a lot earlier in the year, because then you get extra grass. | ||
| And then it always dies off when it stops raining. | ||
| Everything turns brown. | ||
| But it's natural fires, right? | ||
| It's supposed to happen. | ||
| Somebody lit off one behind Pink Dot, behind my old window. | ||
| You saw it start just there. | ||
| It's like a straight uphill. | ||
| It's just gone. | ||
| Within like 20 minutes, it goes from a little one bush on fire. | ||
| It burns through the houses. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| There was one time in L.A. when we were at the store and above Pink Dot was on fire. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Was that with it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was I watching that with you? | ||
| But was that the one where we were seeing the helicopters fly overhead? | ||
| They were trying to dump water on it. | ||
| Planes were dumping water on it. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| It was like a war was going on right above the sign. | ||
| It went right up that hill. | ||
| I was in Salt Lake. | ||
| I was driving to Stanhope's down in Bisbee. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I was driving. | ||
| You could watch the helicopters picking up the water out of the lake and flying over the highway and dropping it on the mountain that was on fire. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Then I got to the fucking Grand Canyon and it had just burned. | ||
| For real, like, two hours straight, it was just the moon. | ||
| Like, there was no vegetation. | ||
| It was just stumps. | ||
| Everything was black. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Those forest fires are wild. | ||
| That's a wake-up call to how vulnerable we really are. | ||
| That was the one time where people in L.A. were cool. | ||
| Like, everybody was so cool. | ||
| After the fires, everybody was like, hi! | ||
| Good to see you! | ||
| Happy to be alive! | ||
| Did you remember in New York when fucking Canada caught on fire? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| That's how crazy those... | ||
| You know the conspiracy theory about that? | ||
| They popped up pretty quickly, so... | ||
| Just saying, I don't know. | ||
| The whole Manhattan was full of ash and dark smoke. | ||
| The conspiracy is the color of the smoke. | ||
| The color of the smoke was strange. | ||
| And it coincided with... | ||
| There was a shipment that was lost. | ||
| The shipment that was lost somewhere was some kind of chemical. | ||
| And this chemical, it was a toxic chemical and there was a high volume of it and it was lost. | ||
| And then all of a sudden these fires break out in Canada and this fucking orange smoke is making its way across New York. | ||
| Weird smoke! | ||
| Like a weird color smoke. | ||
| Now that could be, I'm a moron, that could be the sun, the way it goes through the light. | ||
| It could be the fucking sun. | ||
| But I've never seen orange smoke before. | ||
| It was orange. | ||
| I was in Montauk, it looked weird. | ||
| Nor has anybody that I know ever seen like that kind of orange smoke. | ||
| They told everybody to change every filter in your car. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It was like emails. | ||
| Did anybody do like an analysis of the smoke and go what the fuck is this? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is it just smoke? | ||
| Or did something burn somewhere that was toxic? | ||
| Never done a smoke analysis. | ||
| I was doing shows. | ||
| I was doing shows at the comedy podcast. | ||
| You were doing shows in that orange smoke? | ||
| Walking around that shit? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I woke up late. | ||
| It was only in Manhattan though. | ||
| Could you tell on the ground? | ||
| The first day I was like, am I fucking this hungover that it's like... | ||
| One day it was cloudy. | ||
| Everything's hazy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But did it look orange? | ||
| Not until like day two or three. | ||
| Day two or three. | ||
| Yeah, it changed every day, right? | ||
| You could see it coming. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Like at first it was just slightly smoggy. | ||
| You were like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I remember driving in being like, this is fucking weird. | ||
| Am I dumb? | ||
| Because no one's mentioning anything. | ||
| And I was like, it's fucking weird out, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then by the most, like the height of it, it was fucking insane. | ||
| It was just orange. | ||
| It was like Ghostbusters. | ||
| It was scary. | ||
| Come on, that seems weird. | ||
| It was scary. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Look at the color. | ||
| Yep, 2pm. | ||
| 2pm, look at that. | ||
| Damn, it's like Rachel Dolezal. | ||
| I'm not a chemist, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I don't know anything about smog color, but that seems highly unusual. | ||
| It's unusual. | ||
| It's super unusual. | ||
| I'm just going to say that. | ||
| There's conspiracy theories that are warranted. | ||
| Toronto didn't get it nearly as bad as New York. | ||
| Well, it's because it was coming down towards us. | ||
| Jamie, can you flip through these faster? | ||
| Yeah, why don't you move quick, you fucking... | ||
| Jesus, you're already fell out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't you go for the two o'clock? | |
| How about it? | ||
| It was only orange in the one photo. | ||
| Trust me, it was orange for a lot. | ||
| Neuro gums. | ||
| Don't take three Neuro gums. | ||
| That was just one day. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You guys can't look. | ||
| Old eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Old eyes? | |
| How dare you, young Jamie. | ||
| Jamie, you're being so nasty today. | ||
| You tried that earlier. | ||
| I'm sick of it. | ||
| You've changed. | ||
| Jamie, why are you so hostile today? | ||
| Young Ari, could you hand me a beer, please? | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Sure, Shane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Fit change. | ||
| Hey, I've heard about... | ||
| There's these things, Shane, there's these things called Lucy's. | ||
| You've ever heard of Lucy? | ||
| Oh, I know about Lucy's. | ||
| That has 12 milligrams. | ||
| Lucy breakers? | ||
| They have 12 milligrams. | ||
| This is six. | ||
| Oh, you don't want that. | ||
| They're 12. That's too much. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| When you say that, I want two in my mouth right now. | ||
| Is that from Tucker? | ||
| I don't like the way you talk about it. | ||
| You can't handle 12. No, this is from the fucking gas station. | ||
| You're 4'2". | ||
| 12 milligrams will put you on the boat. | ||
| I think it's a weight thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, all right. | |
| You're a short, round guy. | ||
| You can consume a lot of alcohol. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, Lucy's good. | ||
| But no one consumes alcohol like tall people. | ||
| Tall, big people like Shane. | ||
| Big people. | ||
| My friend Justin, I got a friend Justin Collett. | ||
| This motherfucker can put it down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he makes you keep drinking with him, and he's like 350 pounds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just this big giant dude. | ||
| He's like, come on, bro, one more. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| Lineman. | ||
| There's always that one more. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're destroyed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| But he's got like twice the body of you. | ||
| Shane's the king of that, comes into the cellar, and Debra's like, come on, one, come on, one. | ||
| Yeah, but this guy's at 3am. | ||
| You know that's your first bargain chip. | ||
| Get him that one, then we'll go. | ||
| He's drinking Crown and Cokes, though. | ||
| That's a different animal. | ||
| That's a different animal. | ||
| Me and DeRosa went out. | ||
| Makers. | ||
| Makers and Coke. | ||
| That'll fuck you up. | ||
| Me and DeRosa came down to Austin, and we were like, we'll go hang out. | ||
| We'll have two drinks at every bar. | ||
| We were just walking around. | ||
| I was getting two Bud Lights at every bar. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| He was drinking whiskey at every bar. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| By the fifth bar, he was like... | ||
| We were walking to a bar and he was like, oh shit man, are you not fucked up? | ||
| I was like, no, I've been drinking light beers. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Taking hours away. | ||
| This is all whiskey. | ||
| Nah, you have two drinks every time we do this. | ||
| I'm already on number two. | ||
| When DeRose is done. | ||
| What are you on? | ||
| Three beers? | ||
| Don't count mine. | ||
| I'll catch you up, brother. | ||
| I'm autistic. | ||
| That was the Stanhope strategy for years. | ||
| Stanhope was like, I'd just take a slow drip of alcohol through light beer. | ||
| And I was like, that's genius. | ||
| He's like, yeah, I don't want to get too fucked up. | ||
| It's like, keep the fucked up going. | ||
| You get a good buzz. | ||
| The best way to keep a good buzz is a light beer. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because you don't go over the edge. | ||
| When DeRosa's done is when he says, let's do shots. | ||
| You're like, you're fucked up. | ||
| You're about to leave. | ||
| You're about to leave. | ||
| But the Coke brings him back to life. | ||
| The Coke brings him back to life. | ||
| DeRosa brings everybody back to life. | ||
| DeRosa brought his sandwiches to the club the other night. | ||
| They are great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking amazing. | |
| Very good. | ||
| He gave me a roast beef with prosciutto with like some kind of peppers in there. | ||
| I forget whose favorite sandwich was. | ||
| Maybe his mom's. | ||
| What a fucking fantastic. | ||
| He's a shockingly likable guy. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Fun Egyptian. | ||
| I love Joe. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Adopt people. | ||
| Funny motherfucker, too. | ||
| They bring the heat. | ||
| He's just a good dude, man. | ||
| And I was like, dude, open up a place here. | ||
| He's like, we're talking about it. | ||
| So I hope they do. | ||
| We need a real good sub shop. | ||
| He would come a lot. | ||
| They're fucking good. | ||
| Oh, he'll come by. | ||
| Oh, he should move here. | ||
| He's coming back in April. | ||
| He's doing my podcast again next month. | ||
| Oh, he's worthless in New York. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Yeah, get him down here. | ||
| He can make a name for himself. | ||
| Why is he worthless in New York? | ||
| Well, nobody respects him. | ||
| He's ugly. | ||
| He's adopted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's adopted! | |
| He's burned a lot of bridges. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Listen, this is a land of rebuilding. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's what they said after they stole it from the Comanche. | ||
| It's a land of rebuilding. | ||
| But you burned it. | ||
| We gave them a casino. | ||
| I don't even think they have a casino. | ||
| No, they don't get a casino. | ||
| They don't get shit. | ||
| They were too fierce. | ||
| They were nasty. | ||
| They had to put that fire out. | ||
| You guys should get something in Germany, like a water park or something. | ||
| You ever seen this? | ||
| Is that a Comanche air hood? | ||
| That's legit. | ||
| That's from right here, bro. | ||
| Is that the blood of the white man on it? | ||
| No, that's why we got it. | ||
| It's probably got some deer blood on it. | ||
| Wow, that's cool. | ||
| That's probably from before the white man even showed up and fucked everything up. | ||
| It's so smooth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| I have a friend who has a ranch out here that apparently was where the Comanche lived, and it's just overrun with arrowheads. | ||
| They carve them down? | ||
| Well, they make them. | ||
| It's called flintknapping. | ||
| They actually put a piece of buckskin over their knee, and they hold this slate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| Don't do that. | ||
| Bro, that's like literally, it could be a thousand years old. | ||
| Like, who fucking even knows how old that thing is. | ||
| That's a spell on me. | ||
| It's actually probably about four or five hundred years old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| This is what someone told me. | ||
| But the thing is that, like, these fucking guys, man, they made those things by knocking rocks together. | ||
| There's like a very specific way. | ||
| It's called flintknapping. | ||
| Like you knock it off to make a flake and then you have to like knock it against like something soft like your leg. | ||
| And they chip away till they make like this razor edge to these things. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It's like they figured out how to do it. | ||
| And these fucking things are all over this guy's ranch. | ||
| He sent me a bunch of them. | ||
| He sent me like ones that are like marked off by like this. | ||
| Like this guy's flint knapping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| See how he does this? | ||
| They had all the time in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He heated it up? | |
| No. | ||
| No, this guy's a guy that knows how to recreate this shit. | ||
| This guy fucks hard. | ||
| They get it. | ||
| He does. | ||
| You can tell this guy fucks hard. | ||
| Probably with one of those butcher's aprons on. | ||
| With like a leather butcher apron on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These people are a problem, though, because some of these people are, not this guy, I'm not saying this guy, but some of these people are unethical, and then they go leave these things. | ||
| So they bury it in the sand. | ||
| Oh, look what I found. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| This is appropriation, too. | ||
| It does look pretty real. | ||
| It looks a lot like that one. | ||
| You know what's okay to appropriate? | ||
| Indians? | ||
| White people. | ||
| Did you see the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes sense. | |
| There's a Boston... | ||
| It's like Boston Globe. | ||
| They had a photo of St. Patrick's Day, and it's a black dude dressed like a leprechaun. | ||
| I'm like, hey. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| What are we doing here? | ||
| That's ours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Who the fuck is that guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who the fuck is that guy? | |
| That's how I wouldn't listen to that accent. | ||
| But it's like, hey, what are we doing here? | ||
| Are you just like sticking it in everybody's face? | ||
| You couldn't find an Irish guy in Boston? | ||
| It's literally their holiday? | ||
| Acting is harder than UFC, because he's in Roadhouse. | ||
| That was a quote from Conor. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Acting is harder than UFC. Listen to me. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Because he trained UFC his whole life. | ||
| Okay, act in Roadhouse or fight Khabib again. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| That is crazy talk. | ||
| That's crazy talk. | ||
| I think he probably just meant that he's bad at it. | ||
| He broke his fucking leg in a fight. | ||
| He broke his leg. | ||
| Like, that's harder. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's way harder than what's actually harder. | ||
| I think he was just making a statement, a quote. | ||
| He said it. | ||
| But a level of if he's good at it or not. | ||
| Listen, the guy's promoting a movie. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I think he's making excuses. | ||
| He's a great promoter. | ||
| Learning how to act completely blown out versus doing UFC. He's an amazing promoter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is. | |
| He's the best promoter in the history of the sport. | ||
| No one even comes close. | ||
| There's Conor McGregor and everybody else. | ||
| Can we bring up that interview? | ||
| Him on the red carpet, just blown out. | ||
| Oh yeah, out of his fucking mind. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Reveals why acting is harder than him. | ||
| That's just a clickbait bullshit headline that you fell for, son. | ||
| Reveals why. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Acting is harder! | ||
| Time-time consumption! | ||
| Do it, Jan. | ||
| You can do it better than me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on, I can't. | |
| Go ahead. | ||
| Acting is harder. | ||
| Time, time, time. | ||
| I gotta see him, because he's on coke for this one. | ||
| Just saying. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Time consumption, and it's not just acting and fighting. | |
| You got it. | ||
| You're on it. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| No, you got it, dude. | ||
| Get fired up. | ||
| Take a deep breath. | ||
| Come on! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is harder than UFC. It's also remembering the line, and you have some things. | |
| You got it. | ||
| You got it, dude. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| Let me see him say it, so I can... | ||
| Just give me a little bit. | ||
| We just need a little Coke. | ||
| Give me a taste. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a difficult game and a lot more difficult than I give it credi- Ahhhh. | |
| You sound like Colin Tyrell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| He's dubbing. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Who's the lady? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Acting. | |
| Time consumption. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Action and fighting and stunts. | |
| It's also memory in the line and you have to time things correctly. | ||
| You're engaging with another person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a difficult game. | |
| Alright, I can get it now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Time consumption. | |
| Time consumption. | ||
| It takes a lot of time. | ||
| There's a lot of sitting around. | ||
| If you're acting, you're going to be on a set 16 hours a day. | ||
| You're probably going to be sitting around for 10, especially if you're Connor. | ||
| You're not Jake Lillenhall. | ||
| You're going to be waiting around for your line. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We don't need you again until tomorrow this time. | ||
| Mate, what was it like when you kissed that cowboy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that for real? | |
| Did you really kiss him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it CGI? Do a Connor accent for me? | |
| Torn consumption. | ||
| What was it like when you kissed that cowboy? | ||
| You fucked him so hard he killed himself. | ||
| I'm not that good at it. | ||
| I don't think that's why he killed himself. | ||
| He OD'd because you fucked his ass. | ||
| It was just shame. | ||
| But he wasn't into it. | ||
| That's correct. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The shame of it. | |
| That lost the Oscar to some bullshit. | ||
| That was a great movie. | ||
| Do you think it should have won? | ||
| That was a good fucking movie. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| Ang Lee. | ||
| The same guy who did the Hulk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, he did that. | ||
| What did they lose to? | ||
| The Eric Bana Hulk. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| That was the first CGI Hulk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| Eric Bana, that's a good hunk, dude. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's a good hunk. | ||
| Munich. | ||
| He's one of my favorite hunks. | ||
| Underrated Hulk. | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| He was oiled up, though, bro. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Bronson? | ||
| No, no, that's Tom Hardy. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Tom Hardy's an elite hunk. | ||
| But Eric Bana did an indie movie early on that was really good. | ||
| Eric Bana? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that looks like right there. | ||
| Look at those tits. | ||
| Look at them tits. | ||
| Damn, he's got some pants. | ||
| Oh, no, it was about the jail guy. | ||
| Gregory Peck. | ||
| Who was it about? | ||
| What was that movie? | ||
| He was in Gladiator. | ||
| The movie about the guy that was in jail. | ||
| It wasn't Bronson? | ||
| What was the movie about the guy that... | ||
| There's some crazy, psychotic guy that was like an Australian... | ||
| Chopper! | ||
| That's what I've heard of it. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Dude, that's a fucking great movie, man. | ||
| I thought it was Bert. | ||
| I thought it was Bronson. | ||
| It's Chopper... | ||
| He wishes he was Fat Chopper. | ||
| Chopper's about this dude. | ||
| Can you show me the title again? | ||
| It's about this dude who's like this crazy fucking criminal, Australia's most notorious criminal, Mark Chopper Reed, in his years of crime, interest in violence, drugs, and prostitutes. | ||
| It's a fucking crazy movie. | ||
| And Eric Bana knocks it out of the park. | ||
| He knocks it out of the park in that movie. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| I feel like he's out, sitting out. | ||
| I haven't seen him in a while. | ||
| Yeah, he's been chilling. | ||
| He's just being a hunk, dude. | ||
| Hunk it up. | ||
| Give me some of this. | ||
| Well, we can't play. | ||
| Oh, we can't play it because of fucking YouTube. | ||
| Listen to YouTube, I love you, but come on. | ||
| Don't get silly. | ||
| And you play YouTube videos? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What happened? | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It's like our favorite thing. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| We can play them, but then they have to all get cut out. | ||
| What about TikTok? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| We play TikTok videos? | ||
| It's a problem with copyright shit. | ||
| What about home movies? | ||
| You got some movies? | ||
| No, but I mean, there's one of those rules. | ||
| We need to see a little bit of a home video. | ||
| Whittle R.E. in Israel. | ||
| Where his dreams got dashed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, this is all bullshit. | |
| How old were you when you- Little learned Ari? | ||
| Do you remember the moment when you decided that you were going to fall out of religion? | ||
| When I was like, oh, hold on. | ||
| Fuck, I wasted a lot of time. | ||
| What was the moment? | ||
| It was 19 in Israel and Jerusalem. | ||
| Oh, you were there! | ||
| Was there a thing that happened? | ||
| Was there a thing that happened? | ||
| Yeah, I was just like, oh, I'm done. | ||
| I don't care about any of this. | ||
| The Iron Dome got bombed. | ||
| What'd you say, Shane? | ||
| I just remembered. | ||
| I was like, if we can't show YouTube, we've got to find funny videos. | ||
| And I have a very funny video. | ||
| I've got to send it to JMO. Send it to JMO. Goddammit. | ||
| What can we show? | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| The thing is, if you have the volume and they see the image, you get hit with a copyright claim. | ||
| Copyright? | ||
| Wouldn't they want to be on here? | ||
| Look, we're fucking doing an ad for Chopper. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That fucking movie was awesome. | ||
| And Eric Banner was awesome. | ||
| I've never even heard of it. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| That was the big movie that he made it with. | ||
| Have you seen Magic with the guy from Westworld? | ||
| It's real similar to Bronson, though, isn't it? | ||
| I've never seen that one. | ||
| Isn't Bronson a similar situation? | ||
| He's a crazy criminal guy. | ||
| That's why I got him mixed up. | ||
| But you know what Tom Hardy's doing jujitsu? | ||
| He's a sexy man. | ||
| Yeah, I think Tom Hardy kissed guys too. | ||
| That's Tom Hardy? | ||
| No effing way. | ||
| He probably got tired of pussy. | ||
| He's so good looking, he probably got tired of pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| You know he was in Band of Brothers? | ||
| Was he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was he in Band of Brothers? | |
| He was in Warrior. | ||
| Briefly. | ||
| Band of Brothers might have been the best series of all time. | ||
| No one gives it credit. | ||
| Good series. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| People give it credit. | ||
| Nah, it's never talked about. | ||
| They talk about The Wire. | ||
| It was a mini-series. | ||
| Six feet under. | ||
| Because it was only one season. | ||
| Well, they keep going. | ||
| They have Masters of Air. | ||
| They're still doing it. | ||
| Yeah, look at his young ass. | ||
| Look at his lips. | ||
| He's got some DSLs. | ||
| Oh my god, what sweet lips. | ||
| Go to Tom Hardy and Warrior. | ||
| I'm Hardy. | ||
| Wait, Tom Hardy? | ||
| I thought we were talking about hot guys now. | ||
| I thought we were talking about a different guy. | ||
| That's not who we were talking about. | ||
| Bro, look at him in Warrior. | ||
| Hachi Machi. | ||
| Look at those traps. | ||
| I thought we were talking about the Hulk. | ||
| I'd like to shit on him right now. | ||
| We're talking hot guys. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Eric Bana was Chopper. | ||
| I got Chopper confused with Bronson. | ||
| Bronson was Tom Hardy. | ||
| Warrior, bro. | ||
| It's a good time to be a whore. | ||
| Gyllenhaal jacked is nice, too. | ||
| He's jacked. | ||
| He's great in abs. | ||
| Well, he was great in Southpaw. | ||
| You ever see Southpaw? | ||
| Yeah, nobody watched that. | ||
| That's a good movie. | ||
| Yeah, that was a fun one. | ||
| I saw it on a plane. | ||
| You know what I like is Miles Teller in Bleed for this. | ||
| That was a good boxing movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah, about the Italian guy. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Rhode Island. | ||
| Bro, look at that. | ||
| That's a hot guy. | ||
| Man, he was plowing witherspoon. | ||
| He looks like... | ||
| That guy got in fucking serious shape. | ||
| Look at those abs. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| He's hotter than his sister. | ||
| Nice medicine. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| So this is... | ||
| I gotta tell you guys this. | ||
| Underrated movie. | ||
| Oh, it's about Vinnie Pazienza. | ||
| That's the guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I sent Jamie this video. | ||
| It's... | ||
| My friend Nate Marshall, I told him I wouldn't share this. | ||
| The black. | ||
| He is black. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You call him the black? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| He's the black. | ||
| He's the number one. | ||
| He's the best black out there. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He's the black supremacist. | ||
| So this is me, Santino, and Big Cat. | ||
| We're at Barstool. | ||
| We're shooting around. | ||
| That's Santino, that's me, that's Big Cat. | ||
| Nate said he was like, I'm going to wait until everyone's gone to shoot the ball because I haven't shot in a while. | ||
| But while we're still out here, he picks one up. | ||
| Wait until you see this fucking shot. | ||
| He's not the black anymore. | ||
| Everyone was like, wait, what was that? | ||
| He didn't make it to the paint. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Let me see that again. | ||
| You gotta see the first one. | ||
| Ted Cruz is a better basketball player. | ||
| That's a dude who severely overestimates his ability to throw things. | ||
| He made it to the basket! | ||
| On the floor! | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| That's a tough feeling. | ||
| His hands behind his back and hasn't even hit the arc yet. | ||
| Has he ever played? | ||
| No chance. | ||
| No chance. | ||
| He's a fisher. | ||
| Listen, I talk a lot of shit, but my 10-year-old beat me at horse once. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Basketball sucks if you can't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you're not black. | |
| You're not expecting anything of you. | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, she's 10. Did you guys see Bobby Kelly working out? | ||
| No. | ||
| He does that? | ||
| We got videos of Bobby Kelly working out. | ||
| What is Bobby Kelly? | ||
| John Jones! | ||
| You ever see Mike Tyson throw basketballs? | ||
| No. | ||
| Mike Tyson's terrible. | ||
| He's awesome at fucking people up, though. | ||
| Terrible at basketball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bones. | |
| So what is John doing? | ||
| He's gonna dunk? | ||
| No, he can't dunk. | ||
| No, it hit him on the head. | ||
| Yeah, you'll see Connor try to throw a football. | ||
| None of the UFC guys can do it. | ||
| Also, John is not gonna hurt himself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like going full clip. | ||
| Full seguro. | ||
| Yeah, full seguro. | ||
| Blowing his knee out, which can fucking happen. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You get a little wacky. | ||
| Get a little wacky with your explosiveness. | ||
| He's not afraid to get a little wacky with his explosiveness, though. | ||
| I tore my meniscus in my knee once, wearing fucking jeans, doing a kicking contest with Joe Schilling. | ||
| I tore my meniscus. | ||
| It was fucked up for like a year after that. | ||
| You gotta see Bobby Kelly working out. | ||
| Can you send it to him? | ||
| You can't just do stuff. | ||
| I know what he's gonna look like. | ||
| Ship breaks. | ||
| Well, you gotta know your wheelhouse. | ||
| Bobby Kelly's gonna look like a 50-year-old lesbian. | ||
| He's already there. | ||
| He's gonna look like that. | ||
| 50? | ||
| Just working out. | ||
| He's gonna look like a... | ||
| 74. He's gonna look like an old woman working out. | ||
| No, this is no offense to Bobby. | ||
| Why do you want to show this, Ari? | ||
| Santino found security footage. | ||
| They had a private workout. | ||
| And Santino found security footage. | ||
| Bobby's gonna kill us. | ||
| He's gonna kill us. | ||
| Why are you fitness shaming your friend? | ||
| Also, yeah, I just texted you. | ||
| Do we have to watch this? | ||
| Can I see it first to decide? | ||
| I feel bad. | ||
| I feel bad. | ||
| Bobby's a sensitive guy. | ||
| Can I just say this before we keep going? | ||
| I didn't get a chance to compliment him after I just trashed him. | ||
| I love Bobby. | ||
| I love Bobby. | ||
| Yeah, we all love Bobby. | ||
| Because I just trashed him and then we kept moving him. | ||
| Bobby's my boy. | ||
| He just did my potty. | ||
| Killed it. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| He's a great human being. | ||
| I've known Bobby for like 30 years. | ||
| Lap man. | ||
| He's fat again. | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| Oh, he's back. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Need to go back on the lap. | ||
| Another lap. | ||
| He's not that fat. | ||
| Oh, he's big, baby. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I just had him on. | ||
| Oh, that sucks. | ||
| No, he's normal. | ||
| He's not even close. | ||
| He's husky. | ||
| Every time I see him, it's still like, I remember the old you. | ||
| So every time it's like, nowhere near the old him. | ||
| But he's hot Bobby. | ||
| What? | ||
| Hot Bobby. | ||
| No, I remember the fat Bobby. | ||
| And you haven't seen him in like two months. | ||
| You're like, oh, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I met Bobby when he was like 20. Oh, that was Hot Bobby. | |
| Yeah, I met Hot Bobby. | ||
| He looked Puerto Rican. | ||
| Full head of hair. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He was with Alan the Monkees. | ||
| Alan the Monkees was like a comedy troupe that would... | ||
| And Dane Cook was the main guy. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He doesn't look any fatter. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So this video of him falling down... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no. | |
| Oh no. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Oh no, man. | ||
| There's like zero... | ||
| Do you have a seizure? | ||
| It's like a Mr. Bean sketch. | ||
| I'm still gonna try to work out, this idiot. | ||
| That's what you have to do. | ||
| I'm okay. | ||
| I'm okay. | ||
| He's really heavily dressed. | ||
| He's got a beanie on. | ||
| Yeah, he's got the beanie on. | ||
| Oh, that's bad. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| I think I'm... | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Oh, it's a lot of weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh fuck. | |
| This is like Rowan Atkinson. | ||
| But he had the wherewithal to not let go of the weight so it didn't fall on his fucking head. | ||
| It's like Pelosi and the drink. | ||
| He didn't let it go. | ||
| He's still holding it. | ||
| Yeah, that's what kept him alive. | ||
| Humping that machine, though. | ||
| That's a fucking five-pound weight. | ||
| No, no, he would have died. | ||
| That weighs 25 pounds. | ||
| What was he doing? | ||
| That's a 25. He was trying to do decline bench press. | ||
| It's a tough move. | ||
| Why the fuck would he be doing decline bench press? | ||
| Because he's been working out. | ||
| He wants to mix it up. | ||
| He wants to do some of these. | ||
| He needs some fucking kettlebells in his life. | ||
| A decline? | ||
| He keeps going. | ||
| He does it in a second. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| He does it. | ||
| Once he gets up, he does it. | ||
| This keeps you funny, though. | ||
| If he was killing this, he wouldn't be as funny. | ||
| He's still trying to do it. | ||
| Alright, those are eight pound weights! | ||
| This is my grandmother with cancer does this. | ||
| Can we zoom in on the weight? | ||
| What are we doing here? | ||
| Intensify? | ||
| Yeah, enhance. | ||
| There's two numbers there. | ||
| Quadrant Dree 3. Enhance. | ||
| I think it says 6.0. | ||
| 6.0? | ||
| You gotta see, first he goes to the plates and he goes, uh, actually, nah. | ||
| Hey, you know what, dude? | ||
| Look, he's looking at those plates and goes, eh, we're not going to do that. | ||
| You know what, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll pick up these dens, do a little of this. | |
| He's so lucky. | ||
| Are you going to show it again, you piece of shit? | ||
| One more time. | ||
| One more time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thankfully, Bobby's been nice to all of us. | |
| He needs a trainer. | ||
| By the way, he's an asshole to all of us, so fuck him. | ||
| He's never an asshole to me. | ||
| Yeah, that's different. | ||
| But I've known him forever. | ||
| You're shorter than me. | ||
| I've known him forever. | ||
| I've known him since he was... | ||
| He has a problem with all these tall guys over 5'8". | ||
| Is that the issue? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he was confident when you knew him. | ||
| No, we're just newer than him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've known that guy forever. | ||
| First time I met him, he was like, fuck it, I don't like your confidence, you're an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's always like, welcome to the comedy scene. | ||
| He's a comedian. | ||
| Glad to have you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's out of love. | |
| You're a piece of shit. | ||
| He's talking shit. | ||
| But he's always like, you youngsters, I'm like, Ari's 51. Yeah. | ||
| On a good day. | ||
| I'm older than your kid. | ||
| He's like boss. | ||
| Yeah, boss. | ||
| He's like, you're a middle. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| I'm doing better than you! | ||
| Bunch of fucking middles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, some guys, you stay a middle forever. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah, that was Boston. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| In Boston, he's a fucking middle act. | ||
| How's he doing good? | ||
| I don't know, it's 28 years past. | ||
| He's in an arena! | ||
| He's in an arena, man. | ||
| Of all the things we just said about Bobby that he'll be mad at, me saying he's like Voss is going to be the one. | ||
| Voss is awesome. | ||
| Voss is hilarious. | ||
| I meant he's like Voss when it comes to talking shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And when you're new and you show up, Voss will be the first guy to be like, look at you, you dumbass. | ||
| What are you doing here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stupid. | |
| But that's true. | ||
| They both do it. | ||
| And it's out of love. | ||
| It's both of them out of love. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| It's also like seeing if you can hang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right. | ||
| Like, are you going to get upset if someone talks shit about you? | ||
| He's making fun of you. | ||
| We're having fun. | ||
| So many people have told me Voss was mean. | ||
| No. | ||
| And it's like he's the nicest dude possible. | ||
| Sweet guy. | ||
| Listen, this is one of the best things that can ever happen, is you bomb and then you hang out with your friends. | ||
| And you go, oh my god, I just ate dick. | ||
| Bro, what the fuck happened to you up there? | ||
| And then you're laughing. | ||
| You feel terrible, but at least everybody's laughing. | ||
| And you're having a good time and busting each other's balls. | ||
| Bro, I watched 15 people walk out. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, there's people walking out and shaking their head. | ||
| That was funny. | ||
| It was fucking hot death, dude. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Montgomery tried to do that to me the other night. | ||
| I got off stage and I was like, you know, I always do. | ||
| This time I meant it, because I actually did do very bad. | ||
| I was like, fuck, I sucked up there. | ||
| And he was like, Yeah, what was that? | ||
| As soon as he said that, I was like, you fucking worry about you, motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I went in there talking shit to myself. | |
| The second somebody else was like, yeah, that sucked. | ||
| I was like, don't ever worry about what I'm doing. | ||
| He was like, God, I'll never do that again. | ||
| William, you never know, like, are we in a play together? | ||
| Like, are we having a real conversation? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, what is this? | ||
| Hey, William, how are you doing? | ||
| Right? | ||
| And you're like, I don't know that. | ||
| I guess we're playing along. | ||
| Yeah, what was that? | ||
| I got a free bear claw from a dumpster. | ||
| Like, I don't know where to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I went too hard on him. | ||
| I feel bad about it. | ||
| Well, he was the best. | ||
| He murdered last night on Kill Tony. | ||
| I mean, fucking murdered. | ||
| Fresh minute. | ||
| Does a fresh minute every week. | ||
| Alright, he's got a minute. | ||
| That style is like, he could write about anything. | ||
| Because it's so, his style, and if you know who he is, he's so ridiculous. | ||
| It's one of those things like Hedberg. | ||
| Like when Mitch Hedberg would go on after like a rapper, like they would put him on after like comedy rap, and it would be death. | ||
| But once people figured out it was Mitch Hedberg and he got appropriate opening acts, then people came to see it. | ||
| They knew it, bro. | ||
| Like typical down-the-line comedy, and they're like, not this weirdo. | ||
| Some guys would play music, and they would have funny songs, they'd close with that, and then they'd have Hedberg go up. | ||
| Man, Hedberg was great. | ||
| He'd go on Letterman, and a joke would bomb, and he'd go, I'm aware that joke is stupid. | ||
| Which you never saw on Late Night. | ||
| It was so polished. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My mom loves those applause breaks. | ||
| Mitzi, she gave him two spots once. | ||
| He was going to be in town. | ||
| She gave him two spots. | ||
| And then somebody called in, whoever. | ||
| And she was like, oh, cancel that new guy. | ||
| And I was working the phones like, comedy hero. | ||
| New guy. | ||
| Cancel him? | ||
| Mitzi didn't give a fuck. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, call that Hedberg guy and tell him he's got one less spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Hey, I'm sorry. | ||
| I know we had two spots for you. | ||
| So Tuesday's out. | ||
| Fucking Jeremy Dingle called in. | ||
| For who? | ||
| Somebody that she liked at the time. | ||
| Whoever it was. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It didn't matter. | ||
| It was like, the fucking head coach is going to do a spot! | ||
| Let me do a spot! | ||
| Was her finger that far off the pulse? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very far. | ||
| By the night. | ||
| She hated Louis. | ||
| She hated Seinfeld. | ||
| No, it wasn't just that. | ||
| She didn't know about anything that was going on outside the store, nor did she give a fuck. | ||
| But she seemed kind of like a gimmick. | ||
| She seemed like a gimmick? | ||
| She seemed to like a gimmick. | ||
| She would've liked him then! | ||
| Yeah, she had some wacky ideas about selling sitcoms and she wanted comics. | ||
| But that was what was going on back in the day. | ||
| So you gotta imagine, that's why the Comedy Store has podcasts now. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because we all started podcasts, the podcasts got huge. | ||
| So back in the day, the Comedy Store was seeing all these comics Developing and getting sitcoms. | ||
| All the way from Chico and the Man with Freddie Prinze. | ||
| He was like the first comic to get a fucking sitcom. | ||
| And then Sanford and Son was along that time with Red Fox. | ||
| And then it was of course Roseanne and Tim Allen and Seinfeld and Brett Butler. | ||
| So that was the formula. | ||
| Everybody wanted to get a fucking sitcom. | ||
| So Mitzi had these ideas of developing sitcoms. | ||
| So she created these characters. | ||
| You should be this guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She named Mencia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She named it. | |
| You're trying to fire it up. | ||
| What do you mean named him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Named him. | |
| That's not his name. | ||
| She told him that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it's not just that. | ||
| She was right. | ||
| Yeah, she was right. | ||
| But it was not just that. | ||
| It was like a bunch of different things. | ||
| She wanted people to do things. | ||
| There's not as bad as some comedy club owners had terrible fucking suggestions. | ||
| What are you doing over there, Ari? | ||
| Ari's playing grab at us. | ||
| He's trying to kiss me or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kiss. | |
| My buddy opened for Gallagher and he was Joe List. | ||
| And Gallagher was like, you're tall. | ||
| You should do a whole basketball thing. | ||
| You should come on stage with a basketball and then dunk it and then do your act. | ||
| And List was like, ah, I'm not going to do that. | ||
| There's so many times. | ||
| Kid Rock will hit you with advice. | ||
| He was hitting me. | ||
| He was like, you dress like shit up there. | ||
| You should be wearing a suit and a bow tie. | ||
| Bowtie? | ||
| Sinatra, like those guys used. | ||
| You could really separate yourself. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| I'm thinking he's right. | ||
| I'll never do that. | ||
| I'm thinking he's right. | ||
| I'm thinking you with a bowtie. | ||
| He was the first to FaceTime me after SNL to be like, dude, he FaceTimed me and was like, how do you think you did? | ||
| I hate that question. | ||
| And I was like, are you calling me to tell me I fucking bombed you, dickhead? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I fucking hung up on him, dude. | ||
| Yeah, good. | ||
| How do you think you did? | ||
| He was fucking with me. | ||
| He's funny, but... | ||
| How do you think you did? | ||
| He wanted me to own the libs, dude. | ||
| Yeah, you should get a bow tie, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was right about that. | |
| He was like, that was pussy shit. | ||
| He was like, you should have went on there. | ||
| He said retard, he said gay. | ||
| No, no, I know, but for him, that's... | ||
| He saw my stand-up show and was like, you're not going hard enough. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| You need to say, like, the N-word. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That wasn't his actual note, for the record. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| He'll get rowdy, though. | ||
| Oh, we haven't done this since you did SNL. Oh, yeah. | ||
| We did. | ||
| We don't need this. | ||
| Yeah, he and I did one. | ||
| Actually, I don't think we did. | ||
| I don't think we did. | ||
| No, that was before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Any nuggets behind the scenes that no one knows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We talked. | |
| You know, Green Room? | ||
| Green Room and podcasts spill over so much. | ||
| How nutty was it? | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| It's such a fucking corporate thing. | ||
| You got in there finally. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| What a completion of a fucking storyline. | ||
| Yeah, it was fun. | ||
| I know, but it seems like a fun night. | ||
| It is a fun night. | ||
| Just to do the sketches and fuck around and the party. | ||
| My family was there. | ||
| The party kind of sucks when you're the... | ||
| I've been to the party a bunch of times and it's great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| It sucked even knowing the guy. | ||
| We're like, hey, we're gonna... | ||
| Say goodbye to another fucking person! | ||
| So we can go drink! | ||
| The whole time I just had to say hello, thank you, goodbye to every single person that was there. | ||
| It was like a wedding. | ||
| It was exactly like a wedding. | ||
| Did it feel like a rite of passage? | ||
| What did it feel like for you? | ||
| It's a cool win. | ||
| It's a cool closing on the whole story. | ||
| I think it's nice for that. | ||
| I mean, obviously it just brought the story back up again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you were defended quite a bit. | ||
| But it was also, it's like, honestly, this was like them saying sorry. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Admission of guilt. | ||
| It was the closest they can come to an admission of guilt. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Which is what it was. | ||
| We wish we hadn't had to do that. | ||
| We had to. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| It's an acknowledgement of talent. | ||
| Yeah, that too. | ||
| It's like recognizing, hey, this guy might be one of the biggest comics ever, and it's happening right now, and we should probably get back on board. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Do it before it's too late. | ||
| Don't go 20 years. | ||
| Don't you think so? | ||
| I agree, but it's annoying with the cancel shit, because they go, he's doing great! | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You're like, well, he's also a good comic who worked his way up and has a sketch show and all this other shit and sells a ton of tickets. | ||
| So they have to acknowledge it. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the thing. | ||
| Isn't that always the goal, just to become undeniable? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Yeah, but if you were doing that well and not doing well, like, nationally, they wouldn't be like... | ||
| He still deserves an apology if he wasn't doing as well. | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| If I suck, they were right. | ||
| Listen, listen, listen, listen. | ||
| Well, I'm not saying you suck, but I'm saying if you're not huge, you still got fucked. | ||
| It's better for everybody if they don't say the words. | ||
| It's better for everybody. | ||
| Everybody knows the truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's better for everybody if they don't say the words. | |
| Because it also keeps them silly. | ||
| They stay silly. | ||
| What do you mean silly? | ||
| You stay silly. | ||
| You stay ridiculous. | ||
| You've made ridiculous decisions. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| And you got kind of a ridiculous enterprise. | ||
| You stay ridiculous. | ||
| You stay ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| The worst starship ever. | ||
| You've got this thing. | ||
| You're trying to be the fastest runner, and you're wearing 150 pounds on your back. | ||
| And you had a fast runner, and you dropped him. | ||
| It's like stay ridiculous. | ||
| Don't apologize. | ||
| Stay on the course. | ||
| It's better for Gillian Key. | ||
| Don't sing a song around a piano. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I just get annoyed. | ||
| I thought it was nice. | ||
| I think it's good. | ||
| If we're going to talk about all the culture shit, I think it's cool they brought me back. | ||
| And it's cool. | ||
| I said yes. | ||
| I think it's a nice moment for everybody. | ||
| You don't want to be a guy that's like, fuck everybody that said fuck me. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| Let's go on. | ||
| Can we just stop? | ||
| And that's what they offered the fucking olive branch. | ||
| They were the one to... | ||
| They should. | ||
| It's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they should. | |
| They did the right thing. | ||
| They did the right thing. | ||
| Because most people would just be like, that person forever that I hated once. | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| No, they did the cool thing. | ||
| Everybody there was cool. | ||
| They see where the tide is going. | ||
| It's just, you steer into the weights. | ||
| And also, they got caught up in it. | ||
| They got caught up in it. | ||
| Everybody did. | ||
| They got caught up in it, and so I don't have any problem with that. | ||
| Don't you think that shit is just less effective now? | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| TMZ tried to do a whole thing on him, and I read every single tweet about it, because I'm a psycho, and it was like, I'd like it even more now, bigger fan, that's hilarious, thanks for this, this was a great clip. | ||
| TMZ knew what they were doing. | ||
| There was another one too with like an Asian comic. | ||
| How do you feel about this? | ||
| TMZ didn't care at all. | ||
| It's just promotion. | ||
| They got fucking, what's his name? | ||
| They got a... | ||
| Corky. | ||
| Corky? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Corky from Life Goes On? | ||
| Yeah, they interviewed him about my... | ||
| TMZ got him. | ||
| That's a... | ||
| No way. | ||
| He's not alive. | ||
| Corky was like... | ||
| That was fine, dude. | ||
| We're human. | ||
| We're allowed to be made fun of. | ||
| It was like, hell yeah, Corky. | ||
| That's going to be a sketch. | ||
| Corky from Life Goes On is still around. | ||
| I'm saying, Corky is going strong. | ||
| He's chugging along. | ||
| He's a go-getter, that kid. | ||
| Big-headed weirdo. | ||
| He had his own show. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Corky's a beast, dude. | ||
| That show was the wildest thing. | ||
| They put a guy with Down Syndrome at the start of a show. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Quite a noggin. | ||
| He's not a... | ||
| He's very high-functioning. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| That's how powerful a role was. | ||
| He's still the reference to reference. | ||
| He's, yeah. | ||
| Of, like, Down syndrome. | ||
| I don't want to get going. | ||
| Well, Billy Elliot's in there. | ||
| Don't get going! | ||
| I don't want to get going. | ||
| Don't get going! | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm saying, I'm saying. | ||
| You're staying on the record, he's faking. | ||
| There's just a thing with whatever. | ||
| People with Down syndrome can have higher, significantly, they have regular IQs. | ||
| A lot of the time. | ||
| And huge dicks. | ||
| But you know the, you know the Louie, Mantra or whatever is like, they burn your house down, you build a couple twigs and leaves with a house, a new hut, and they go, he's got a house. | ||
| And you're like, well, I had a mansion, and now I'm living in a twig hut. | ||
| Alright, I hear you. | ||
| Yeah, they're not happy unless you're completely destroyed. | ||
| I hear you, but it's like, what do you choose to focus on? | ||
| It's great, he did SNL. I know, I know. | ||
| No, no, no, the truth, that is true, though. | ||
| That was like a thing that I was worried about, was I was like, I should say something in the monologue. | ||
| No, I'm not saying that. | ||
| No, but the idea is that because I'm hosting, they're going to go, see? | ||
| Right. | ||
| We didn't do anything wrong. | ||
| No, you did the right thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We didn't do anything wrong. | ||
| Look, he's doing fine. | ||
| But that was funny. | ||
| Don't look that up, please. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That was funny. | ||
| I was like, we've got to make it quick. | ||
| Great way to address it in a sentence. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| It was a perfect way to handle it. | ||
| You used to have a great joke at that New Jersey room about being like a waitress because where do I know you? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| At the time because you were like the topic of conversation. | ||
| Every single time someone would be like, I'd see like, for real, it would always be like an Asian woman would come up to me and be like, you were really funny. | ||
| What was your name? | ||
| Can I look you up? | ||
| And I'd be like, please don't. | ||
| Literally, if you looked me up, the first thing would be like, hates Asians. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| The headline. | ||
| Oh, man, that's not true at all. | ||
| Yeah, I get to watch them go, oh. | ||
| You said there was a waitress. | ||
| It was like, hey, that was so funny. | ||
| Where do I know you from? | ||
| You're like, I've been here before. | ||
| She goes, no. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was trying so hard. | ||
| I was like, I've been somewhere. | ||
| I think I've been here. | ||
| We probably hung out. | ||
| Well, Yang likes you. | ||
| Yang's the bro. | ||
| I love Yang. | ||
| Ron Yang? | ||
| David Taylor's old friend? | ||
| Yin Yang twins. | ||
| Whatever, we don't need to discuss this. | ||
| What else is going on? | ||
| Congratulations, it was fun. | ||
| What did you do this time? | ||
| You must be in trouble. | ||
| It's been a week. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| It's been 10 minutes. | ||
| I find if you stay offline. | ||
| That's the key. | ||
| If you don't see it, it doesn't exist. | ||
| Wait, do you have a new one? | ||
| I don't even know about this one. | ||
| No, I just got there. | ||
| I've just reached Not Online. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not online? | ||
| I'm not online. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| SNL knocked me out of it. | ||
| The special, when I put out my Netflix special, I deleted, like, Twitter. | ||
| Twitter's evil. | ||
| And then I deleted Reddit, because I was reading those comments. | ||
| Reddit's really evil. | ||
| Every once in a while I'll slip back into that. | ||
| You had the app? | ||
| That's how much you... | ||
| Since SNL, I've been way off, because I know... | ||
| You don't want it. | ||
| I try to tell everybody... | ||
| A lot of people are saying I suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Listen, there's going to be a bunch of people that think everything sucks. | ||
| You're dealing with giant numbers. | ||
| When you're dealing with giant numbers, each individual seems significant. | ||
| Even if they're fucking morons you'd never want to talk to. | ||
| Beethoven's Symphony has bad comments. | ||
| I bet it does. | ||
| I bet it does. | ||
| I'm telling you right now. | ||
| That's very funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It does. | |
| That's really funny. | ||
| Shit was whack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boring. | ||
| Play more Drake. | ||
| You can't be focused on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drake rules. | |
| For real, Drake is better than Beethoven. | ||
| Great dick. | ||
| More hits than Beethoven. | ||
| This is why it doesn't work. | ||
| You gotta think of it in a numbers way. | ||
| So the human brain is designed to recognize threats and problems. | ||
| When everything's great, you don't think about it. | ||
| So if you have 10 positive people, Shane, you're the fucking man, that's great. | ||
| One guy goes, this guy's lame as fuck, tired of this kind of act, so fucking... | ||
| Take it easy, take it easy. | ||
| See what I'm saying? | ||
| So that one stands out. | ||
| You got nine people that think you're awesome, but one douchebag thinks you suck. | ||
| And now when you scale that up to millions and millions of people, and who's writing comments, the majority of them are disgruntled people that are unhappy with their position in life. | ||
| You think Toothpaste feels that way when they're like, who the fuck was that one dentist? | ||
| The one out of ten? | ||
| One guy won't recommend me? | ||
| After all I've done for you? | ||
| What else do I have to show you? | ||
| Also, I know what you're doing right now, and I appreciate it. | ||
| Game recognize game. | ||
| You drink one, motherfucker. | ||
| I'm drinking them. | ||
| I've been drinking them. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| You guys got to catch up. | ||
| I feel like the pod just got started. | ||
| The pod did just start. | ||
| And we're off. | ||
| And we got that mushroom chocolate. | ||
| It's not fucking around. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Has it kicked in? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I can't look at the screen anymore. | ||
| It's too wavy. | ||
| Boy, imagine if they didn't make all that stuff illegal. | ||
| They didn't do the Manson thing and they just let psychedelics roam. | ||
| Marilyn? | ||
| No, the other one. | ||
| That one, too. | ||
| I mean, Charles. | ||
| But that one, too. | ||
| They whacked her, too. | ||
| They definitely whacked her, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Oh, I was talking about Marilyn. | ||
| Yeah, she's annoying. | ||
| She's annoying. | ||
| She's annoying. | ||
| Damn, James. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Looks like my bed. | ||
| There's so many fucking amazing visual artists. | ||
| No, I'm saying they got rid of her. | ||
| She's bothering us. | ||
| Let's get rid of her. | ||
| Oh, that's exactly what it was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She apparently was talking, and she banged both of them. | ||
| She banged both brothers. | ||
| Two candidates? | ||
| Yeah, Bobby and JFK. Do you think the second one was on recommendation from the first? | ||
| Probably get her off of his back. | ||
| Ah, you've got to fuck my brother. | ||
| If you fucked my brother. | ||
| You thought this was good. | ||
| Wait until you have Bobby's cock. | ||
| Marilyn, you're too fucking crazy for me. | ||
| I've got to run a country. | ||
| If you think, oh, I failed you. | ||
| That's not what you can do for me. | ||
| That's what you can do for my brother. | ||
| The mob and the CIA are trying to kill me. | ||
| I don't have time for your nonsense. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some say, come on the face. | |
| Oh, geez. | ||
| Do you think that one brother's watching her at whatever the inauguration was when she's sitting in front of the wife and the other brother just looking at his brother going... | ||
| Either way, she took a shot in the face too. | ||
| Can you imagine you're the president and you're banging everybody and everybody knows but nobody talks about it? | ||
| No one talks about it. | ||
| That was the world back then. | ||
| That was just guys being bros, dude. | ||
| Just being bros. | ||
| Everyone was being bros. | ||
| What I said earlier I think has merit to it. | ||
| Like, who do you want? | ||
| Do you want the warmonger or the pussyhound? | ||
| At least he's not fucking you over. | ||
| I don't want war. | ||
| All he's doing is fucking the chick from Barbie or whatever. | ||
| Just keep him pussy. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Marilyn. | ||
| She looks old in the face. | ||
| Shut your mouth, Ari. | ||
| What's that on the side? | ||
| She's making a face. | ||
| She's probably spitting out her gum before she sucks. | ||
| She's got a better picture. | ||
| Poor lady been through a lot. | ||
| That's a better picture. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| She was called hot. | ||
| Look at that 25-year-old. | ||
| Look at that normal Christian 25-year-old to the left. | ||
| Who was the playwright? | ||
| Tennessee Williams. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Wait, what? | ||
| DiMaggio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did you just say? | |
| DiMaggio, too? | ||
| DiMaggio was a playwright. | ||
| That's what I thought of. | ||
| Yeah, she married DiMaggio. | ||
| DiMaggio would put flowers on her grave. | ||
| Arthur Miller. | ||
| Arthur Miller. | ||
| Yeah, the DiMaggio one was rough. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because he would put flowers on her grave. | ||
| He loved the babe, dude. | ||
| He loved her. | ||
| And this was like, wow. | ||
| Wasn't it like the overlap between Kennedy and DiMaggio? | ||
| Might have been a little overlap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| That's a good... | ||
| She was fucking killing his high level dick. | ||
| Yeah, she was killing it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That guy's ugly. | ||
| Arthur Miller. | ||
| Look at this fucking... | ||
| The Jew got some. | ||
| He looks like the guy from The Wire. | ||
| He got a lot. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He didn't get a little... | ||
| Like Nolte. | ||
| Yeah, he got a lot. | ||
| Did he marry her then? | ||
| There he looks like Friedland. | ||
| Women like that, they're just a drug. | ||
| It's a drug. | ||
| It's fucking John McAfee's meth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what it is, and you get a piece of that. | ||
| Look at this dumb fucking bitch at every fucking high-level fucking art. | ||
| A bunch of writers are meeting up, and it's like, hey Miller, you brought your dumb fucking bitch. | ||
| I hate when you're sexist. | ||
| I don't think she was dumb. | ||
| And misogynistic like this. | ||
| Oh yeah, she was a fucking high-level novelist. | ||
| She had a crazy IQ, higher IQ than Einstein's. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Give it a go. | ||
| There is literally zero shot on earth that that's actually true. | ||
| Let's bet. | ||
| I'll bet you a million dollars. | ||
| I'm sure it's on the internet. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| I don't want a million dollars. | ||
| Slow down, SNL. How about five? | ||
| Five bucks. | ||
| Five bucks is respectable. | ||
| Twenty. | ||
| That's an SNL paycheck. | ||
| Whatever you got. | ||
| For the record. | ||
| Mad TV paid more. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Guess how much money you get paid to host SNL. How much? | ||
| $1,300. | ||
| $50,000. | ||
| $1,700. | ||
| $5,000. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| More than I thought. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| Dude, we rented 21 Jump Street's fucking dressing room afterwards. | ||
| $5,000 for a week of work. | ||
| We rented 21 Savages. | ||
| Unless they just fucked me again. | ||
| $5,000? | ||
| Wouldn't that be like a million? | ||
| $5,000. | ||
| Wait, so what does 21 get? | ||
| Musical guests? | ||
| They might get 10. Who knows? | ||
| They get more? | ||
| They don't have to do any work. | ||
| They got a little more. | ||
| 21's the man, by the way. | ||
| Listen, if Siren Like bounces back, if that is what, like, the first step and then bouncing back and having more wild shit. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Big month for whites. | ||
| It went fucking guys saying gay and retard to massive, awesome tits are back. | ||
| I don't know who that is. | ||
| You don't know Sydney Sweeney? | ||
| She's Marilyn Monroe. | ||
| You've seen her. | ||
| What? | ||
| She's Marilyn Monroe. | ||
| Let me see her. | ||
| That's John McAfee's meth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why she's at the party, Ari, you piece of shit. | ||
| Well, the 90s are coming back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He brought meth. | |
| Funny guys. | ||
| He's like, hey, everyone can get a gland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to bring her wherever the fuck she wants to go. | |
| Timeless. | ||
| There she is. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Ample bosom. | ||
| Congratulations to her genetics. | ||
| I love when you see a story like that. | ||
| She addresses those Glenn Powell rumors, and I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
| Well, someone wrote a monologue for Ari. | ||
| You know, she's got to talk about some things that are in the news. | ||
| You know, it's probably not really her act. | ||
| Ari's like, her act sucks. | ||
| She knows who Glenn Powell was. | ||
| The tragic truth about Marilyn Monroe's concealed and It is said that she was a star brilliant with a high IQ. There you go! | ||
| But it doesn't say it's higher than Einstein's. | ||
| Higher than Albert Einstein. | ||
| It's unproven, but it does say that it was as high as 168 and Einstein was at 160 or so. | ||
| Was he 160? | ||
| No, I know this is a urban level. | ||
| Okay, but hold on. | ||
| It says some believe. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I believe that she was an alien. | ||
| Some believe different. | ||
| Illegal? | ||
| I don't know where the evidence is. | ||
| It's a tweet. | ||
| It has to be real. | ||
| It's verified. | ||
| Does it have community notes? | ||
| If not, shut the fuck up, Jamie. | ||
| Alright, that's a wash. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| You owe me five dollars. | ||
| It's made up. | ||
| I'm more proven than you. | ||
| I'm just certain that's not true. | ||
| Isn't that what community notes is for? | ||
| I can't go with that. | ||
| How come there's no community notes on that statement? | ||
| You have to, dude. | ||
| Well, can we amplify it? | ||
| Speaking of which, Ari went to the migrant meeting. | ||
| Oh yeah, I went to the meeting of the migrants in my neighborhood. | ||
| What to do with them. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| I said, kill him. | ||
| You'd say, hey, we got some fucking tunnels. | ||
| What's the meeting like? | ||
| Is it like fucking in someone's basement? | ||
| No, it's in a community center. | ||
| Of course you went to a fucking community center, dude. | ||
| Protect our community. | ||
| On that whole line around the neighborhood of like new migrants. | ||
| They're going to piss in the bushes, so they all sound like me. | ||
| They're only going to raise money for port-a-potties or they're fucking pissing in the bushes. | ||
| Well, your park went to hell so the community's fucked. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| Port-a-potties are gross. | ||
| They're going to keep pissing in the bushes. | ||
| No, they'll piss in them if we tell them to piss in them. | ||
| If we get them that, but they're not going to get it to them. | ||
| Yeah, but they're not going to regular port-a-potty. | ||
| They're going to want a good one that you can sit down in with a little sink in it. | ||
| They'd rather go behind. | ||
| Portable bathrooms. | ||
| These aren't homeless people. | ||
| Porta potties are just a hole with the fucking blue water in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's all it is. | |
| It's disgusting. | ||
| You ever look down that? | ||
| In London, they do it. | ||
| They set up port-a-potties. | ||
| It's all the drunks. | ||
| Instead of pissing in the park, they'll piss on the nose. | ||
| They still do it. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Most of them. | ||
| But a few dudes pee on trees, right? | ||
| No, that's why they set them up. | ||
| They're like, hey, don't be an animal. | ||
| Fucking piss in these that we set up so we can have the trees tomorrow when you're sober. | ||
| No, I don't think your piss kills trees. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's natural. | |
| It kills bushes. | ||
| No way, it does. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I'll tell you what, dogs piss... | ||
| If 200 people a night fucking piss at them... | ||
| Listen to me, dog piss kills your lawn. | ||
| Yeah, it does for sure. | ||
| Yeah, man, dogs. | ||
| Like, if you have... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Girl dogs just squat and pee. | ||
| Boy dogs want to, like, mark. | ||
| So boy dogs piss on things, but girl dogs just squat. | ||
| So they leave these little dark puddles in your lawn. | ||
| Like, it kills the grass. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Don't drink girl dog pee. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| That's my advice. | ||
| Well, wouldn't the forest be ruined by, like... | ||
| Animal piss? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| There's a lot of squirrels. | ||
| Yeah, so much vegetation. | ||
| There's a lot of stuff to piss on. | ||
| I think grass is pretty unnatural as it is. | ||
| Maybe it's just the grass. | ||
| When you're looking at a lawn. | ||
| But they're always putting the things around the trees. | ||
| Like, don't let dogs piss in so it'll kill the tree. | ||
| What's that, Jamie? | ||
| In the UK, they have urine deflectors everywhere because people pee all over the buildings. | ||
| So they set up porta-potties. | ||
| Look at the porta-potties in the parks. | ||
| Urine deflectors. | ||
| What's a deflector? | ||
| So it won't catch in a corner. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Oh, so you can't piss on them because it'll splatter on you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So just step back. | ||
| Or no, or it just won't gather in a corner. | ||
| You ever drank piss? | ||
| It's pretty wild. | ||
| So they just assume people are going to pee on that, or they're stopping people from peeing on it? | ||
| No, they can't get underneath it to piss up. | ||
| So they're going to pee, so let it drip away from the fucking crevices. | ||
| Should have put that on the R. Kelly chicks. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| Remember when we were talking about there was just pee and poop everywhere in the 1700s? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| People just shitting everywhere. | ||
| People just shit everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pre-plumbing. | ||
| They said they're having a problem with some people that come from other places to new cities where they just still decide to shit on the ground. | ||
| Because they don't know the difference. | ||
| They don't know the thing. | ||
| They've been doing it their whole life. | ||
| Like, I don't care. | ||
| I'm just going to shit. | ||
| I have to shit. | ||
| I'm not going to go to some little closet that smells awful when I get to shit right here. | ||
| I see human shit in New York all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| You can tell. | ||
| You can tell. | ||
| It's unsettling. | ||
| Because you're like, damn it, that's a fucking person one. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Old school public urinal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| It's kind of pretty. | ||
| It looks like you're praying to the Lord of Piss. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just go in there and piss on a wall. | ||
| It's so well made. | ||
| Isn't that incredible? | ||
| Look at the artwork involved. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What craftsmen we had back then. | ||
| Dude, I would love those right now. | ||
| You're out in New York, it's just a place that's three quarters enclosed to go in and piss on a wall. | ||
| Look how beautiful that looks. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| It's a vintage public urinal in Paris. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Look how beautiful these public urinals used to be. | ||
| Pissoir. | ||
| Pissoir. | ||
| Look at the other ones, though. | ||
| Show Shane the other ones that you showed, the New York City one. | ||
| Oh, look at that one right there. | ||
| Really cool. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| That's in Paris. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| But show the whole thing so you can see the top. | ||
| Look how beautiful that fucking thing is. | ||
| It's like a subway entrance. | ||
| But isn't that amazing? | ||
| Like the craftsmanship they have? | ||
| For that. | ||
| Standard. | ||
| Some guy got hired. | ||
| Big bucks to do that. | ||
| And they had little ads on the side. | ||
| What was that ad for? | ||
| Is that like a price, though? | ||
| 15 minutes? | ||
| I'm sure you can get blown in there as well. | ||
| Is that what it says? | ||
| What does MTS say? | ||
| 15 minutes? | ||
| Bonjour, you must pay. | ||
| Digestive depository is what this is. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Is that below it? | ||
| Is that a price? | ||
| Do you have to pay to use it? | ||
| Because that would be nice. | ||
| Probably do. | ||
| What does A15 mean? | ||
| Close the door because the dogs really want to get in here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you get 15 minutes? | |
| 1875. All the New York subway bathrooms had to be locked up. | ||
| They still have that, though, now. | ||
| Those, like, public bathrooms. | ||
| But don't they have, like, the National Guard and the subway now or something? | ||
| Yeah, it's bad. | ||
| The lady got stabbed. | ||
| There was a shooting. | ||
| Good times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro. | |
| What is New York City doing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's getting wacky. | ||
| That whole letting everybody in thing is just crazy. | ||
| I think that might have been 15 minutes. | ||
| People started using them as places to talk for private conversation. | ||
| Without the Nazis finding out. | ||
| Without the Nazis finding out. | ||
| Come on in here while I take a shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to tell you that we're planning the rebellion. | ||
| Unisex. | ||
| Enclosed automatically self-cleaning unit. | ||
| Oh, 1980. Yeah, in 1980 they were replaced systematically. | ||
| 1980. I had a good run. | ||
| 100 years, 105. Dude, it seems like the 80s are so recent, but if you had to go back and live back then, like, you would... | ||
| When I grew up, you were in a different world. | ||
| You left the house, you were gone. | ||
| No one knew where you were. | ||
| There was two pictures of you. | ||
| One when you were like... | ||
| One when you were 10. This fucking... | ||
| No one has real evidence that you were ever alive. | ||
| You just... | ||
| You just... | ||
| People would vanish. | ||
| I think about that a lot when I'm laying in bed. | ||
| I think about my parents in the 80s and the 90s. | ||
| You just go out to dinner, you go to a friend's house, you skateboard all day, you bike ride. | ||
| You don't know where anybody is. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| It's way better. | ||
| You need to think about it. | ||
| When I grew up, people would open the window and yell for their kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| They would yell, Bobby! | ||
| Get home! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bobby! | |
| That's great. | ||
| This is wild. | ||
| But now people would tweet and go, this mom is a little aggressive, she's a little controlling. | ||
| Oh yeah, the Homeowners Association. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They all gather and kick that people... | ||
| When I was a kid, I lived in San Francisco, and then we moved to Florida, and then we moved to Boston. | ||
| We moved to a place called Jamaica Plain. | ||
| And Jamaica Plain was rough back then. | ||
| We didn't have any money. | ||
| And our next-door neighbors were in a punk band. | ||
| And the fucking entire basement, they converted to a session place. | ||
| And so they had carpet, like seven, eight layers of carpet. | ||
| That was their own sound deadening. | ||
| And it was so loud. | ||
| Didn't we look them up once? | ||
| It was Alice in Chains? | ||
| Death in the Shopping Mall. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I remember the song, My Baby is a Mutant. | ||
| Oh, you know the music? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I heard them sing it 150 times. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Were they any good? | ||
| They're pretty good, if you're into that kind of music. | ||
| And I would go down, they'd let me watch them perform. | ||
| Watch them rehearse. | ||
| I was like, eight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| It was pretty cool. | ||
| No, I guess I wasn't eight. | ||
| No, I was 13. Because that was Boston. | ||
| Yeah, I was thinking San Francisco. | ||
| But that was Boston. | ||
| And so these people were, like, they recorded this. | ||
| There's a video, I think, that's available on YouTube, or at least the song's available on YouTube. | ||
| It's a different time. | ||
| We built this mini ramp in my backyard, and every kid in the neighborhood would use it. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| These are these guys. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| What's that, Jamie? | ||
| Not the song you asked for, but I found the... | ||
| Oh, they're working! | ||
| Oh, it's another one. | ||
| Man on a Tightrope. | ||
| They're still going? | ||
| They got 2,000 views. | ||
| That's probably all. | ||
| You can't play it. | ||
| We're gonna get copyrighted by then. | ||
| That's what you're allowed to? | ||
| You can check for one second. | ||
| Did you ever go over and knock on the door and go, hey, quiet down a little bit? | ||
| No. | ||
| Nobody did that back then. | ||
| It was just a weird time, if you consider how people grow up today. | ||
| If you grow up today, you're growing up in the weirdest time. | ||
| I know, it's fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
| It's kind of fucked. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| But it's like every civilization has had to deal with that. | ||
| When they invented the printing press, when they invented cars, when they invented airplanes, every generation has had to deal with some new weirdness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I told you to get the fucking Eagle beer ball. | ||
| It might be early. | ||
| I gotta pee. | ||
| It's behind the microwave. | ||
| I saw it and I was like, no. | ||
| And then I got in here and I was like, damn, I should've got it. | ||
| We're only an hour in. | ||
| We can't play the America Fuck Yeah song. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because we'll get copyrighted. | ||
| I'm sure there's a copy on the internet. | ||
| Can't you reach out to those guys? | ||
| It doesn't have a... | ||
| Are we allowed to sing it as a group? | ||
| I think we can sing it. | ||
| America... | ||
| We gotta get it. | ||
| We'll say hell yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America. | |
| America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Coming to save the motherfucking day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America. | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| If we get in trouble for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Freedom is the only way. | |
| Jamie, can we get in trouble for that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| I don't know, I'm not a lawyer. | ||
| I'm not a lawyer. | ||
| No, we'll have to sing it. | ||
| Doesn't Kid Rock own all his music? | ||
| I don't know, we should call him. | ||
| If we asked him if we could use American Badass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| That's just as ridiculous and awesome. | ||
| Wait, so we're not allowed to have fun and use music anymore? | ||
| What'd you guys sign? | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| It's just being on YouTube again. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Let's go back to 4chan. | ||
| Why can't we play Spotify music? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Because it goes on YouTube. | ||
| Because there's like a different... | ||
| We're also the YouTube users. | ||
| Just bleep it out for them. | ||
| No, you can't do that. | ||
| You probably could. | ||
| Yeah, you probably could way easily. | ||
| Who needs a radio when I can sing? | ||
| Mock! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that's a copyright. | |
| That's alright. | ||
| We can come up with our own stuff. | ||
| I guess that's what we're supposed to do. | ||
| Yeah, we can come up with our own songs. | ||
| Ur got a piss. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Ur got a callback. | ||
| That's big. | ||
| Ur got a callback! | ||
| Did he dive? | ||
| Did he actually fall? | ||
| What if he unhooked us? | ||
| What if he disconnected us? | ||
| Mark? | ||
| What the fuck, Mark? | ||
| So what's going on with you guys now that Mark's gone? | ||
| I'm tired of all his quips. | ||
| He needs to get more fucked up. | ||
| He has no quips. | ||
| He's always ready. | ||
| We're trying to build a quilt. | ||
| It just hasn't presented itself. | ||
| Don't force the genius. | ||
| He left the door open to goddamn dogs, dude. | ||
| That's Carl and Bandit. | ||
| He left the doors open. | ||
| Bye, man. | ||
| Mark. | ||
| Hi, Bandit. | ||
| Bandit's trying to sneak into his dad. | ||
| Dude, you get outside that door and there's fucking two dogs. | ||
| Oh, Bandit came into her daddy. | ||
| The dogs are in. | ||
| He wanted to hold Carl so badly. | ||
| But will Bandit fuck things up? | ||
| She's cool? | ||
| Hey, Bandit. | ||
| She's not relaxed. | ||
| I've seen her chew cords. | ||
| Shut up, dude. | ||
| She's not. | ||
| He's trying to cause trouble. | ||
| Never once ever. | ||
| Has she been around cords? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's been here, but only for a brief period of time. | |
| This is good dog. | ||
| She was a suck. | ||
| This is a good dog. | ||
| She wants her daddy. | ||
| She does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got a little tongue action. | ||
| We got a little hot tongue action. | ||
| Don't kiss the dog. | ||
| When Ari was inside before, she was sitting outside the door, just sitting, staring up at the door, knowing that he was in that room. | ||
| It is a cute dog, but it is autistic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why do I say that? | ||
| She's going for Bud Lights. | ||
| It's just one of those dogs. | ||
| It's not a dog. | ||
| It's more of a cat. | ||
| Just like staring. | ||
| It's not like a fun, it's a quiet, weird, you know what I mean? | ||
| It's a skittish dog. | ||
| She's not skittish, she's a lap dog. | ||
| She doesn't seem skittish at all. | ||
| That's literally every dog doesn't like fireworks. | ||
| My dog doesn't like fireworks. | ||
| No, but look at her. | ||
| It's quiet, just walks around. | ||
| It's weird, dude. | ||
| It's a very serious dog. | ||
| She is serious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's sad girl. | |
| Where are you going with this? | ||
| It's a solemn dog. | ||
| She's sad girl. | ||
| If you're trying to insult her, it won't work. | ||
| She is awesome. | ||
| I'm not insulting her. | ||
| I'm just saying that you guys know these types of dogs. | ||
| You've seen these types of dogs. | ||
| Sell them. | ||
| Sell them. | ||
| You let the fucking doors open. | ||
| Oh, the dogs get in? | ||
| Somehow. | ||
| God damn it, Mark. | ||
| Anybody want cigars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cigars! | |
| Cigars! | ||
| I'm okay, thank you. | ||
| It's a whole new foundation delivery. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Get some freshies. | ||
| They're both dogs in here or just one? | ||
| Both of them. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Are these gay dogs here? | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| Trying to have a good time with your gay dog. | ||
| Ruining everything. | ||
| Why do you have a bandana on this dog? | ||
| Is it blood? | ||
| Yo, shit, guys. | ||
| Because he's in the West, bro. | ||
| He's in Texas. | ||
| He's in Texas. | ||
| Obviously, he's got a fucking bandana on. | ||
| It went green last week. | ||
| Why did it have green on? | ||
| For the environment? | ||
| Because of your people. | ||
| Oh, nice! | ||
| The Irish! | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, free Palestine. | |
| Try it. | ||
| They love Palestine, those mix. | ||
| They really do. | ||
| Well, everybody loves the underdog, and when you were the underdog forever... | ||
| They've been through it. | ||
| Yeah, the N-words of Europe. | ||
| I mean, literally, it's very similar. | ||
| Bro, when I went to Northern Ireland and I saw the fucking cars, the police cars that are to this day armored with big steel plates all around them because of the IRA bombs. | ||
| Oh, you found it. | ||
| We need headphones. | ||
| Otherwise, we're going to talk over each other. | ||
| It's going to be very annoying. | ||
| You have to have headphones, Ari. | ||
| You particularly. | ||
| And everyone? | ||
| And literally everyone else? | ||
| No, I was doing worse. | ||
| Ari just has disjointed, off-hand conversations. | ||
| The thing is, when you're listening, it's so hard. | ||
| I know we're having a good time, but... | ||
| I'm telling you, it was worse earlier. | ||
| Yeah, it was bad at one point in time. | ||
| The first hour was rough. | ||
| I never take the headphones off. | ||
| I was like, well... | ||
| We'll find our groove. | ||
| Ah, damn. | ||
| I took him off. | ||
| I had him on in the beginning, and it made me feel bad because we were talking over each other. | ||
| With him on? | ||
| On. | ||
| Everybody had him on. | ||
| We all had him on. | ||
| It's because of you, Ari. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| No, really no one had him on. | ||
| No, we all did, and then you ruined it. | ||
| Is this supposed to look like you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari, you're a destroyer of worlds. | |
| Yeah, you fucking hebe. | ||
| Alright, going back in. | ||
| Ari, you're next for Saturday Night Live. | ||
| Dude, I went there a couple years ago and Che was giving me a tour. | ||
| It was pretty cool. | ||
| Were you allowed on the premises? | ||
| And he goes, if you go in the back way, I was like, can I go back there and see what's there? | ||
| He was like, yeah, there's nothing there. | ||
| And I'm like, can I walk through the doors? | ||
| He goes, yeah, but there's a superstition that if you walk through before you're actually hosting, you'll never host. | ||
| And I just looked at him for like five seconds and I was like, oh yeah, I'm going back there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are we talking about? | |
| Superstitions are hilarious. | ||
| Especially when it comes to that. | ||
| Like, oh no, you're going to take away my five grand? | ||
| I could not believe. | ||
| They were like, alright, you gotta sign these contracts. | ||
| And I was like, alright, and then we'll pay you. | ||
| And I was like, how much is it? | ||
| Like, it's five grand, you get five grand. | ||
| I'm not signing it. | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| But your agent gets 10%, your manager gets 10%. | ||
| Yeah, I get $150. | ||
| For a week of work. | ||
| I know, that's hard work. | ||
| The most stress. | ||
| It'd be fun if I didn't have it. | ||
| I could see it on you. | ||
| I was fucking stressed out. | ||
| Yeah, you had both sides on your shoulder. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what, dude? | ||
| You went through it, and you went through it bigger than ever. | ||
| It's like, that's the beautiful thing about it. | ||
| You go through it bigger than ever. | ||
| And it worked out. | ||
| It worked out, it's great, and it shows that you're awesome at sketches, and it turns people to Gillian Keyes, which is, I think, the best sketch show on the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| Fucking awesome. | ||
| And it was, uh... | ||
| Brother fucking OnlyFans Dad is one of the best fucking sketches I have ever seen. | ||
| You got a gang of them, man. | ||
| The Trump speed dating. | ||
| It's fucking genius shit, dude. | ||
| That's all, yeah. | ||
| You got some genius shit. | ||
| And that's the best part, is that it sends people towards the real shit. | ||
| Independent comedy sketches that are done by the people that are actually funny. | ||
| There's no one fucking with them. | ||
| There's no network notes. | ||
| There's no executives. | ||
| There's no watering up the fucking chili. | ||
| It's just Yeah. | ||
| Speaker, don't fuck with that, dude. | ||
| I already had it last time. | ||
| Don't fuck with the Carolina Reaper, wicked cuts, beef jerky. | ||
| That was a bad night. | ||
| Mark, bong one of those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Bong one. | ||
| Bong one, dude, for the troops. | ||
| Well, I'd take a mushroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Think about it. | |
| You had a fucking block earlier. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| It's time for America. | ||
| It's time for America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't count mine. | |
| It's time to take America back, Mark. | ||
| That's the joke. | ||
| Mark, we gotta take America back. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Do it for the troops. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| We've had one drink. | ||
| One drink in four days. | ||
| Just for the troops. | ||
| You had two fucking little tiny whiskeys. | ||
| This is the fifth. | ||
| That's the one without the giant ice cube. | ||
| You're gonna be drunk on that. | ||
| When comics were eating dick, they would go. | ||
| How about a round of applause for the troops, everybody? | ||
| Yeah, it was an easy way out. | ||
| It was an easy way out, though. | ||
| Any round of applause for the ladies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's having a birthday? | ||
| First date, last date. | ||
| How about a round of applause for the ladies? | ||
| Can you imagine bombing and someone's like, who's having a birthday? | ||
| And the audience would be like, no, you're not including me. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I wouldn't cheer for that. | ||
| That's you, Ari. | ||
| But most unreasonable people would be like, me! | ||
| It's mine! | ||
| My birthday! | ||
| I'm a 45 year old white woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's her birthday. | |
| Especially if you don't have special days. | ||
| That's the only special day. | ||
| Well that and a bachelorette. | ||
| Most days suck. | ||
| Except for 90 Day Fiancé. | ||
| When that's on it's awesome. | ||
| My lady watches that. | ||
| That is a wild show. | ||
| That's the one lady show I can sit down and watch. | ||
| You want to talk about the threats to marriage. | ||
| This is like the argument against gay marriage. | ||
| It's bad for the institution. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The institution of marriage. | ||
| What about this? | ||
| What about a fucking reality show? | ||
| A reality show! | ||
| We decided to get married after 90 days. | ||
| That's actually a day for 90 days and then you gotta get married. | ||
| You gotta pick one of these hoes? | ||
| And that's not even close. | ||
| There's other ones like The Bachelor or Love is Blonde. | ||
| They don't even talk to each other and then they get engaged. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| That's way worse than gay marriage. | ||
| And you don't know what they even look like until you meet them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't know anything. | |
| They're going to hell. | ||
| But... | ||
| 99 makes America look great because they're willing to leave this country to go live in Pensacola in a condo. | ||
| It's great for China. | ||
| It's great for China. | ||
| China's like, look at these idiots. | ||
| Not learning math. | ||
| Look what we're doing. | ||
| Over in China, every day, it's like fucking the ninja show. | ||
| What's that ninja show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The ninja show. | |
| American ninja? | ||
| That's the rules. | ||
| American ninja was a great show. | ||
| So they're all competing against each other. | ||
| There's all fucking chest puffing and they're getting rid of all femininity on television. | ||
| I bet China's TV is just ours 10, 15 years ago. | ||
| I bet China's TV is ours if we had fucking control of this fucking thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, they don't let them watch our TikTok. | |
| You want state-controlled television? | ||
| State-controlled, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| But real men. | ||
| America needs state-controlled television. | ||
| But real men. | ||
| Real men. | ||
| Real men. | ||
| Well, their TikTok is engineering videos. | ||
| Just like, enough nonsense. | ||
| Daddy's home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We need just Tom Hardy kissing. | ||
| Isn't it funny that everybody really kind of wants the big daddy in the sky to take care of everything? | ||
| That was a plot of, uh, Marvel. | ||
| Yeah, Thor, Thor's brother was like, you want to be led. | ||
| You want to be led. | ||
| Everybody's the big daddy in the sky. | ||
| Who's got the clippy? | ||
| You got the four skin? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Oh, you're good. | ||
| Oh my god, I lit my fucking face. | ||
| Carl! | ||
| Carl doesn't like ice? | ||
| Carl, don't get banged, dude. | ||
| He doesn't like noise. | ||
| He doesn't like Jews. | ||
| Carl's definitely free Palestine. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Carl's definitely up the raw. | ||
| Carl looks grumpy. | ||
| Carl looks like he reads a newspaper at noon in a pub. | ||
| I think Carl is up the raw. | ||
| He's looking at you. | ||
| He's pissy. | ||
| I think Carl does now have strong convictions and he could be persuaded in either direction. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His eyes are about to pop out of his head. | ||
| Carl could convert. | ||
| If the Jews win this one, Carl could convert. | ||
| He's willing to go where the money is. | ||
| If... | ||
| Boy, if you want to convert to the Jews, they make it hard. | ||
| You guys make it probably the hardest. | ||
| I know, that test is crazy! | ||
| There's a lot in the Delta Club, dude. | ||
| There's a lot going on. | ||
| You want to be sure you're ready. | ||
| They don't make you take a tattoo at least. | ||
| How did Sammy Davis pass? | ||
| That's such a wild flex for a woman to force you to convert. | ||
| To get tattooed? | ||
| It's a wild flex. | ||
| Well, the foreskin looks better when it's gone. | ||
| That's a wild one. | ||
| What? | ||
| You gotta have a circumcision. | ||
| You can make a chick convert. | ||
| At 37. Who cares, don't say it, whatever. | ||
| Chop your forehead skin off and risk infection and death and the loss of your dick. | ||
| At 37. That's so good. | ||
| Yeah, well, my friend got circumcised at 33 and he's happy. | ||
| By the way, tip for everybody, you can just lie to the in-laws and tell them you did it. | ||
| What you just said is the ultimate anecdotal experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My friend got his dick mutilated and he loves it! | |
| He kept getting infected. | ||
| There's a lot of shmegma. | ||
| Tell your friend to clean his dick. | ||
| What kind of dirty motherfucker is constantly getting dick infections. | ||
| He's Indian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Indian fella. | ||
| What are you blaming that on? | ||
| Well, I'm just saying, it's a lot of curry. | ||
| But curry coming out of your dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| It's gross. | ||
| Are you eating like an elephant? | ||
| Tossing it into your mouth. | ||
| Tossing fucking curry chicken into your mouth with your dick? | ||
| Slumdog. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Just saying. | ||
| It gets in there. | ||
| They're bacteria. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Who's on circumcised here? | ||
| Anybody? | ||
| No way. | ||
| J-Mo. | ||
| J-Mo, definitely. | ||
| He's got a man-eater. | ||
| Carl's on circumcised. | ||
| Carl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You haven't circumcised Carl yet? | |
| Decent red rock. | ||
| Yeah, he's French. | ||
| He better circumcise. | ||
| I'll talk to a guy. | ||
| I think we might have talked about it before. | ||
| You guys ever see a dog's dick? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen a dog's dick every day of the week. | ||
| No, no, I'm talking about... | ||
| My dog in the morning. | ||
| No, no, I'm not talking about Red Rocket. | ||
| Every time I see him, his dick comes off. | ||
| I'm talking about actual boning. | ||
| The bone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| The real boning. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's fucking nuts, dude. | ||
| It's a weird-looking organ. | ||
| At the old studio, we had a walrus one, a petrified walrus one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| It was, like, giant. | ||
| How old was that fucking thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Where is it? | ||
| Where's that walrus? | ||
| I am the walrus. | ||
| Cuckoo-ca-choo. | ||
| You ever see him get hooked up? | ||
| Baculum! | ||
| That's right, it's called a baculum. | ||
| It's a bone. | ||
| Steve Brunellis. | ||
| You ever see him get hooked up? | ||
| Two dogs? | ||
| He's back, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told you. | |
| He's sober earlier. | ||
| Now he's going. | ||
| Now he's going. | ||
| What show is that guy on? | ||
| Quantum Leap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right! | |
| Good show. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Time travel show in the fucking... | ||
| What was that, the early 2000s? | ||
| No. | ||
| Early 90s. | ||
| Early 90s? | ||
| Early 90s. | ||
| Wait, is Quantum Leap the... | ||
| Mid... | ||
| There's one where he hops into a Down Syndrome guy. | ||
| He opens his bedroom door and the mirror shows a Down Syndrome guy and he's like, I'm retarded? | ||
| That's him! | ||
| Do it from the beginning. | ||
| He goes, I'm retarded? | ||
| That's the language they used on dramas on TV back then. | ||
| Beatles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beatles. | |
| Ah! | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, that's how I wake up. | |
| I know. | ||
| I was just going to say that. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Open up your penis door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| By the way, every female comic's like, you know what it's like getting attacked by the I'm like, have you seen Gillis' page? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just nothing but Tardville all day long. | |
| I love hearing that when it's like, you have no idea what it's like to get made fun of for how you look. | ||
| I'm like, it's all I do. | ||
| I have some idea. | ||
| It's the only thing I deal with. | ||
| But it's different. | ||
| This is why. | ||
| If you're a talented guy and you look like shit, you can still get laid. | ||
| Well, hold on. | ||
| I don't look like shit. | ||
| I'm not saying you. | ||
| I'm not saying you. | ||
| Just retarded shit. | ||
| Let's say someone far worse off than anyone in this room. | ||
| You can still get beautiful women because you're talented. | ||
| That does not work. | ||
| The opposite. | ||
| True, but they can get puss or they can get dick without being talented and hot. | ||
| And they cannot be hot and get dick. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And they can be a seven and get real high level dick. | ||
| They cannot be attractive at all and get dick whenever. | ||
| We're talking about mathematics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrible dick. | |
| But we've all fucked a couple of twos. | ||
| No, put those back on. | ||
| I mean mathematics in the sense that each thing has a value to it. | ||
| And the more wealthy, famous... | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
| That super, super fucking old dude that owned Fox? | ||
| Rupert Murdoch. | ||
| This dude is worth billions of dollars and got divorced, right? | ||
| Or he was gonna get married, had this fiancée, and she's like really into Christianity or something. | ||
| But the crazy thing is he was talking about the rest of his life. | ||
| He was like, the second half of my life. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like, he's 90. If you see him walking around, you're like, this guy's crazy. | ||
| But it's because this guy knows he can still sling dick. | ||
| Uh, Stephen Hawking got laid. | ||
| That was his lady. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Oh, he did it again. | ||
| So he's got a new one. | ||
| He's engaged again. | ||
| He was a molecular biologist. | ||
| Yo, yo, he's 92. He just got engaged again. | ||
| This is what I'm talking about. | ||
| You got that kind of cheddar! | ||
| You can sling dick! | ||
| Deep into the 90s! | ||
| There is not a woman who divorced Jerry Hall, the woman who was married to Mick Jagger. | ||
| Easy, McAfee. | ||
| He's slinging. | ||
| Slinging-ish. | ||
| That's maybe because women like competency. | ||
| But this is the difference. | ||
| Maybe they're attracted to competency. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| But this is why. | ||
| Which is fine. | ||
| But this is why. | ||
| That's what people should be attracted to. | ||
| It's an even trade. | ||
| That's what people should be attracted to. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But this is why a woman can say, you don't know what it's like. | ||
| Because you don't know what it's like. | ||
| Because there's always this other thing. | ||
| But I'd rather be the woman. | ||
| I'd rather be the woman. | ||
| She's bad. | ||
| If you're hot. | ||
| Or not hot. | ||
| But if you're not hot, then you're judged unfavorably about something that you have no control over, and that's your value to a lot of people. | ||
| That's the difference. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| Of course, the original statement, though, was female comics talk about People always comment on my looks. | ||
| And it's like, that's all they do with me. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's just, I think it has a different value for women. | ||
| True, I can go, yeah, whatever, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, shut the fuck up. | ||
| I just sold out masks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| There's a thing that separates you from everybody, and that's talent. | ||
| And for a woman, it's like, unattractiveness is the Trumper. | ||
| That's number one. | ||
| A hot lady steals... | ||
| But you banged ugly ladies? | ||
| Not in my adult life. | ||
| Only as a kid. | ||
| I was a good looking guy. | ||
| I did well. | ||
| Yeah, you did alright. | ||
| I got lucky. | ||
| I got lucky with genes. | ||
| But it's just, if you're a woman and you don't get lucky, that's a bad sentence. | ||
| Like, if your whole world around you, especially today, if you're, like, that's one of the things that social media has fucked young girls up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because, like, you're looking at girls that are way hotter than you before they use filters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Before they use filters. | ||
| And then they throw filters on, they look insanely good, and you know there's not a fucking chance in hell. | ||
| And that's your normal. | ||
| The genes that you got dealt, the fucking hand of cards you got, is gonna compete with that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but then you just... | |
| Yeah, but then you get to... | ||
| Marry a nice guy. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| You're not in that world of like, here's me in a bikini picture. | ||
| You're like, here's a nice guy. | ||
| We're going to raise a family together. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's some benefits to that. | ||
| There's benefits to that. | ||
| Maybe they're not in our world of fucking... | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| If Kim Kardashian wants to marry a nice guy, she can do. | ||
| If she decides to just go grab some nice guy, well, he was the guy who was working on my house. | ||
| Do you know what's going to happen if she knows he's a nice guy? | ||
| Day one, TMZ's going to stick a camera in his face. | ||
| He'll never go outside. | ||
| He won't be nice. | ||
| He'll stay at home and she'll just fuck him. | ||
| He won't be nice again. | ||
| She'll tie him to the bed and just fuck the shit out of him. | ||
| Day one, and they'll ruin him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| We're having fun now. | ||
| Damn, I had a point and I lost it. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| That's the super mindfuck is when people get famous, like Jordan Peterson style. | ||
| When they get famous when they're older. | ||
| He got hotter. | ||
| He got higher and then went loony bins. | ||
| What it is is he started eating only meat. | ||
| Little bonks. | ||
| Little bonks. | ||
| Yeah, he got little cuckoos. | ||
| What do you think is bonker? | ||
| What do you say that's bonkers? | ||
| He's a little bonker. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's like famous, famous. | ||
| Too famous? | ||
| Entering rehab. | ||
| Oh, but you know what that is? | ||
| He, unfortunately, did not know the side effects of benzodiazepines. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sounds like an actor. | ||
| The guy just took him. | ||
| He'll tell you. | ||
| He took him because he was really struggling. | ||
| But I think part of the reason why he was struggling is his wife was going through cancer. | ||
| I thought he was supposed to be a smart guy. | ||
| Read the label. | ||
| Listen, man, if you did something, like if you play golf, you play golf, right? | ||
| If I came to you, but I don't play. | ||
| So if I came to you, what's a thing that you do that I don't do? | ||
| Golf, yeah. | ||
| Okay, so if I came to you and go, how do you do this? | ||
| I would just listen. | ||
| Because you do it, and I don't do it. | ||
| So if you're a doctor, a psychologist, you call your friend who's a psychiatrist, and you say, I'm going through this. | ||
| What should I do? | ||
| Take this, don't worry, you're gonna feel way better. | ||
| He takes Xanax, he feels way better. | ||
| But he doesn't realize that there's one of two things that's commonly used that'll kill you if you just jump off it. | ||
| One's alcohol, the other is benzos. | ||
| Oh no, is that right? | ||
| Alcohol? | ||
| If you're an alcoholic, if you're like a full-on, all-day drinking... | ||
| And his doctor told him that? | ||
| No, his doctor didn't tell him that. | ||
| So he didn't realize that until he tried to get off of him. | ||
| And it took like a fucking year, man. | ||
| That guy got physically wrecked. | ||
| Peterson rules. | ||
| But yeah, anytime any of those intellectuals become famous, they kind of stink. | ||
| And then when you get fully sucked into the culture war as an intellectual, Either side, I don't love it. | ||
| Yeah, because then it's like you're wasting all your mental energy on the culture war and not curing cancer or some social thing. | ||
| But it's also to recognize that if you don't fight against this shit, it just keeps pushing and gaining more boundary, more ground. | ||
| It moves the goalposts. | ||
| It does. | ||
| And you have to have really smart people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just went on a crying spree. | |
| Sorry about your voice, bro. | ||
| Because he really feels that way. | ||
| I know it seems crazy when you look at it out of context, but if you look at him crying in the context of the conversation, it's because he really feels that way. | ||
| I go on crying sprees, but I keep them. | ||
| Keep them offline. | ||
| Don't record. | ||
| He's not... | ||
| He's just being himself. | ||
| And he's being himself in front of all these people. | ||
| In a three-piece suit. | ||
| And he's being himself with all these people watching him. | ||
| He's being himself in a three-piece suit. | ||
| He's getting dressed up to go be himself. | ||
| And the weird three-piece. | ||
| Sometimes they're like multicolored. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he does that because he thinks that suits look good. | |
| It's cool. | ||
| It's just fame ruins a lot of people's work. | ||
| They're doing great work. | ||
| The Kimmel, same sort of thing. | ||
| It's like, eh, you guys are all becoming something else. | ||
| But it's also because you're a part of a system. | ||
| Jordan's not necessarily a part of a system. | ||
| He's like removed from a system. | ||
| But then the problem becomes, are you constantly fighting that system? | ||
| Or are you just speaking about things the way you see them? | ||
| Well, the question is, why is there a system fighting him? | ||
| Why can't he just exist and talk about what he wants to talk about? | ||
| Why is someone always coming down on him? | ||
| Because he has a lot of influence. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| But why can't he have an influence and why do we have to attack him? | ||
| It's because of the internet. | ||
| It's because who likes him. | ||
| It's just people arguing on the internet. | ||
| They're like, Jordan Peterson rules. | ||
| Listen to this quote. | ||
| And then people that don't like the things you like are like, he's actually a Nazi. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then the people that call him a Nazi are like, you're gay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But why do we have to be like that? | ||
| I thought I had something there. | ||
| No, you did! | ||
| Nazis never been subjective before. | ||
| It's a subjective term, which is weird. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| That's why you would infuriate me, that whole punch a Nazi thing. | ||
| I was like, who decides who's a Nazi? | ||
| He's been called a Nazi. | ||
| Jukeface101. | ||
| That's a fun one. | ||
| And I was like, oh, alright. | ||
| Well, they were calling Dave Smith a self-hating Jew. | ||
| Yes, yes! | ||
| Because he's criticizing the way Israel's bombing the fucking shit out of Gaza. | ||
| Free Palestine. | ||
| The whole thing is so nuts, man. | ||
| You guys are going a little overboard, dude. | ||
| You got them. | ||
| I'm on the side of Hamas. | ||
| I like the way they're killing the Palestinians. | ||
| You like how Hamas is killing Palestinians? | ||
| Tunnels is one that you guys can agree on. | ||
| You're saying how Hamas is killing the Palestinians? | ||
| Their own people. | ||
| Yeah, when they line them up and execute all their fucking people running against them. | ||
| Do they do that? | ||
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| I don't think Hamas does. | ||
| The Jews tried to have a ceasefire and they wouldn't go with it. | ||
| What? | ||
| The Jews threw out a ceasefire, like, hey, let's do a ceasefire, and Palestine was like, nah. | ||
| Nah, no deal. | ||
| When was this? | ||
| October 6th? | ||
| No. | ||
| The day before. | ||
| The day before? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, pull it up, J-Bo. | ||
| I'm sure the terms dictate whether they say yes or not. | ||
| You know what the wildest thing is? | ||
| That there was protests in the streets for months, hundreds of thousands of people protesting Netanyahu. | ||
| In Israel. | ||
| He's one of the leaders. | ||
| You can be against your leaders without being against the countries. | ||
| But it was right before it happened. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And then when it happened, that put a squash. | ||
| Nehemiah was ready to throw down. | ||
| No, he's ready to go, brother. | ||
| Nehemiah, Hamas, get rid of all the old guard. | ||
| Get somebody young in there. | ||
| Get some 40-year-olds in there to fucking stay high. | ||
| The thing is, man, the people that have gone through this, you're not going to erase this. | ||
| You're not gonna erase the memory of what they did to Gaza. | ||
| You're not gonna erase the memory of what those people in Israel experienced when those dudes are fucking parachuting down and gunning people down and chasing down kids at a rave. | ||
| You're not gonna erase that. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| What's she thinking? | ||
| Hillary said it. | ||
| Remember, there was a ceasefire on October 6th that Hamas broke by their barbaric assault on peaceful civilians. | ||
| Scroll up so we can see that trustworthy picture. | ||
| There she is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| What'd she say? | ||
| There was a ceasefire. | ||
| It did not hold because Hamas chose to break it. | ||
| Dude, there you go. | ||
| Moss have consistently broken ceasefires over a number of years. | ||
| If Dave Smith was here, Dave Smith would be able to lay this out. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know anything about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need a real Jew, not a fucking phony. | |
| I found out about Dave because of Ari's State of the Country. | ||
| State of the Union. | ||
| State of the Union. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, RIP. Smith's a smart guy. | |
| I can't keep up. | ||
| Oh, he's a genius. | ||
| He's one of the best at retaining information. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes you talk to him and you're like, wait, wait, who? | ||
| Say that again? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, I mean, he just can talk about basically any international crisis that he's investigated. | ||
| He investigates things to the point of, like, he'll be able to tell you the root of the conflict. | ||
| I'm sure his wife loves it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's got to be a tough household. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| There's no way he's only telling us that. | ||
| He's telling her that, too. | ||
| She's probably petrified. | ||
| Back to the female comedian thing about you're looking retarded, that whole thing. | ||
| Thank you! | ||
| Well, what bugs me is that it's all men's fault, but they judge each other. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| There's a lot of lady-on-lady judging of appearance. | ||
| All this is going to go out the window with CRISPR. With CRISPR? With genetic engineering. | ||
| They're going to change people and turn them into fucking... | ||
| We'll get all hot chicks that are cool. | ||
| We'll always talk about his body positivity, but everybody's getting Botox, lap band, and they're all on a Zembik. | ||
| Which one is it? | ||
| Well, they don't want to die, but they want to pretend they're okay. | ||
| And they want to pretend that it's fine to be exactly how you are. | ||
| Because it's uncomfortable to deal with the fact that you've got to make some changes. | ||
| And so let's not make people uncomfortable. | ||
| Let's let China win. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Let's let Russia win. | ||
| Let's keep everybody weak and fat and stupid and lazy and addicted to their phones. | ||
| And then let's shut the power off. | ||
| Alright, you're just describing Shane. | ||
| That wasn't a pun. | ||
| Well, you've been working out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son of a bitch. | |
| That wasn't a pun. | ||
| Usually you're a pun guy. | ||
| I got puns. | ||
| Yeah, get a pun going. | ||
| The puns are in the works. | ||
| You can work out here with us tomorrow. | ||
| You want to work out tomorrow? | ||
| What's tomorrow? | ||
| We're bringing it back. | ||
| The Comedian Workout. | ||
| The Comedian Workout? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I gotta fly home tomorrow. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| I thought you were home. | ||
| I thought you live here. | ||
| No, I got to go to my parents' house. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| Oh, isn't that cute? | ||
| We got a little fundraiser for the coffee shop. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| Promote it. | ||
| Tomorrow. | ||
| Noor in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. | ||
| It's called Noor. | ||
| So this will come out tomorrow, so they'll hear it. | ||
| I'll be there. | ||
| They'll get flooded. | ||
| Yeah, that's probably a mistake. | ||
| But it's called Noor. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| N-O-R-M? N-O-U-R. Noor. | ||
| Oh, Noor. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| All right. | ||
| It's a good coffee shop. | ||
| You got a plug on SNL. Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Did you get a plug? | ||
| Yeah, I talked about it. | ||
| You heard the joke before. | ||
| The opening. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I didn't get to do the whole joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Apple juice. | |
| So much more. | ||
| Yeah, I burnt all my premises. | ||
| You got away with a lot, though. | ||
| You got away with a lot. | ||
| Can you hand me one of those beers, Ari? | ||
| How's the new... | ||
| First of all, I got leaked that you were in a Tarantino thing, which I think was bullshit. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| But then, uh... | ||
| I don't believe him. | ||
| Shit's so big now. | ||
| I don't believe him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like I'm talking to one of them UFO guys that's bullshitting me. | ||
| There's a few of those UFO guys that talk to him, I'm like, you're bullshitting me. | ||
| If I was in the Tarantino movie, I would tell you guys. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| By the way, I would tell you right away. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| You're in a fucking Tarantino movie. | ||
| It'd be the first thing I told you. | ||
| I don't believe him at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's in the movie. | ||
| I would tell you right away. | ||
| I'd tell you guys everything. | ||
| With Blabbermouth. | ||
| Tarantino's only got one movie left. | ||
| I'll tell you immediately. | ||
| If you're in Tarantino's last movie... | ||
| That would be very cool. | ||
| Did you meet with him? | ||
| Did you meet with Tarantino? | ||
| Did you meet with Tarantino? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you have any discussions about it? | ||
| I've never met him in my life. | ||
| He loves comedy. | ||
| Did you have discussions about it? | ||
| Through agents, through Jews? | ||
| Powerful Jews. | ||
| People haven't told me anything. | ||
| He's the fucking man. | ||
| I sit down and talk to him. | ||
| He's like a legit movie genius. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| Would you tell me about Reservoir Dogs? | ||
| When they were like, you gotta put a woman in. | ||
| And he's like, no. | ||
| I just want to do the movie. | ||
| Why would I do that? | ||
| Didn't you tell me that? | ||
| Or was it a different guy with your face? | ||
| No, it wasn't me. | ||
| It was a different guy with your face. | ||
| But I believe it. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| He's like, no, we're doing it that way. | ||
| He's like, this is how we're doing the movie. | ||
| They're like, you gotta get a woman in there. | ||
| He's like, but it's about a bank robbery. | ||
| And they all shoot each other. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| They cut a guy's ear off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was like, no, I'm not doing it. | ||
| And it was a hit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just let people do their thing. | ||
| Not a hit, though. | ||
| Underground. | ||
| Well, in India. | ||
| Well, it led to Pulp Fiction. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the big... | ||
| Creative hit. | ||
| Not a financial hit. | ||
| They were both speaking correctly. | ||
| What was the... | ||
| The guy that he was a partner with in the early days made this fucking... | ||
| Harvey Weinstein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I believe he is tied up right now with legal issues of an undisclosed environment. | |
| No female characters in Resoir Dogs because the movie took place over the course of an hour in this warehouse after this robbery. | ||
| These guys aren't going to bring their girlfriends to the robbery. | ||
| Joe didn't happen to hire any women. | ||
| We didn't get a normal life! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We gotta raise this baby! | |
| You ruined your suit! | ||
| You got blood all over it! | ||
| When the piano starts in the movie, fast forward! | ||
| Was that movie an homage to a Chinese or a Japanese movie? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| What's it, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fucking dying! | |
| Jamie, that's not the type of backtalk we need. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need research, not backtalk. | |
| That guy. | ||
| Has there ever been a guy that's never had one miss? | ||
| You're gonna be okay. | ||
| Never had a miss. | ||
| Never had a miss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What was that one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hateful Eight. | |
| Still fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| It's got moments. | ||
| You talked about it for weeks later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was still a great movie. | |
| I didn't love it. | ||
| You didn't love it on a Tarantino level. | ||
| I was so excited. | ||
| Yes, of course. | ||
| I was so excited for it because Django and Inglourious Basterds are top. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Top banger. | ||
| Top five for me. | ||
| Inglourious Basterds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the time. | |
| Me, Pulp. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jango was kind of like a little bit over the line of like reality. | ||
| Holding the fucking body up with it. | ||
| Jango was so nice, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But Hateful Eight. | ||
| Dude, I loved it. | ||
| It was so slow and tense. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| When he's like, hey, put these handcuffs on. | ||
| And he goes, no. | ||
| And he puts it back. | ||
| And you're like, fuck, some shit's going to go back down! | ||
| He beat the hell out of Jennifer Jason Leigh. | ||
| Oh, that was fun. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Look at her with her black eye. | ||
| Bro, this movie has got some real Rihanna. | ||
| She looks like Rosebud. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She does. | |
| This movie fucking ruled, dude. | ||
| It ruled. | ||
| It's way too drawn out. | ||
| You were expecting action. | ||
| There was not a lot of action, but that was his response. | ||
| That was him going, shut up, I'll do my own thing. | ||
| It's a western whodunit. | ||
| It's an awesome movie. | ||
| You're going to be okay. | ||
| But Pulp Fiction still holds up. | ||
| Pulp Fiction. | ||
| Lost best movie to Forrest Gump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gump rules. | |
| That's how dumb that fucking thing is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gump's a little silly. | |
| Obviously. | ||
| Obviously you love Forrest Gump. | ||
| Get out of town. | ||
| What is this type of thing? | ||
| I don't understand this type of thing. | ||
| It was a good movie. | ||
| Gump ruled. | ||
| Where's your pre-posting now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gump was good. | |
| Gump was great, but it was no fucking Pulp Fiction. | ||
| Gump was... | ||
| No, dude, giant drop down. | ||
| Guys, what are we talking about? | ||
| Gump in Vietnam? | ||
| Hilarious, dude. | ||
| Gump's a comedy. | ||
| Gump's a comedy. | ||
| Gump is so good. | ||
| Trips, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta really step aside. | |
| Gump's fucking, his drill instructor would be like, Gump, why did you put that weapon together so quickly, Private Gump? | ||
| Because you told me to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ, you must have an IQ of 160. You are gonna be a goddamn general someday! | |
| Gump! | ||
| Disassemble your weapon and continue. | ||
| Tastes like cigarettes. | ||
| Shawshank was that year too? | ||
| And Jurassic Park? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And JP? Gump, dude. | |
| Gump. | ||
| What a year! | ||
| It's Pulp Fiction. | ||
| Simultaneously. | ||
| Best soundtrack. | ||
| Gump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Piss about that! | |
| No, Pulp Fiction! | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| Pulp Fiction was the best soundtrack. | ||
| I'll go soundtrack for soundtrack on that. | ||
| Dude, Shawshank Redemption ruled. | ||
| Pulp Fiction soundtrack was legendary. | ||
| Shawshank Redemption rules for sure. | ||
| It was killer. | ||
| Pulp Fiction had the best soundtrack. | ||
| By far the best. | ||
| Man, the 90s were good. | ||
| They reinvented the idea of a soundtrack. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Pulp Fiction over Gump soundtrack? | ||
| It reinvented the whole, what is a soundtrack? | ||
| Gump's soundtrack was literally the quintessential American... | ||
| It's classic rock. | ||
| It's America. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Also true. | ||
| But both Pulp Fiction was like, we're having bands you've never remembered. | ||
| They're so cool. | ||
| Yeah, there's a difference. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| I mean, it's not even close. | ||
| Fortunate Son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| This is just a fucking collection of... | ||
| Popular songs. | ||
| Well this is mainstream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| Ari's right. | ||
| This is the most essential American song. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the definition of made songs. | |
| Girl, you'll be a woman soon. | ||
| Gump is the story of America. | ||
| If you've never heard that song, they're like, what is this? | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Pulp Fiction fucking rules. | ||
| I would probably rather watch that. | ||
| Jungle Boogie. | ||
| He's rediscovering old bands that were like the son of a preacher man. | ||
| Where you're like, I don't even remember this song. | ||
| And he's like, let's make it popular again. | ||
| Mainstream versus indie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not just that. | ||
| Forrest Gump was mainstream, which is like, here are the biggest hits of each year. | ||
| But still great songs. | ||
| Yeah, they both rule. | ||
| They both rule. | ||
| We're arguing. | ||
| We can have both. | ||
| That's the problem with arguments of who's bigger. | ||
| That's the problem with awards. | ||
| It reached number 21. Fired up. | ||
| We need the right and the left. | ||
| JMO, let's fire it up. | ||
| Let's find top sales of all time. | ||
| I guarantee Forrest Gump's... | ||
| Soundtrack might be mainstream. | ||
| Listen, Forrest Gump was a great movie. | ||
| I'm not saying it's a bad thing. | ||
| It's not really in competition with Pulp Fiction, nor should it be. | ||
| They're two different kinds of things. | ||
| But to sit here and say Pulp Fiction should've won is crazy. | ||
| It should've won. | ||
| Number seven. | ||
| I think it's a better movie. | ||
| Way better movie. | ||
| More iconic. | ||
| More lovely. | ||
| More iconic. | ||
| More people love it. | ||
| I don't know about iconic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, what? | |
| More people love it. | ||
| Cooler people love it. | ||
| You're just saying dumb things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That way to catch up. | ||
| There's no stats. | ||
| There's no stats to back this claim. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By far better. | |
| More manlier things. | ||
| In the face of evidence that shows that Forrest Gump is a superior product, according to the marketplace, Ari Shaffir rejects this. | ||
| In favor of just filibustering. | ||
| Dude, obviously Pulp Fiction was a cooler movie. | ||
| He's defending his career. | ||
| You're cool. | ||
| You have to be cool. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Urge Overkill is cool. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| Discovering new bands is cool. | ||
| That soundtrack was awesome. | ||
| I'm not saying it's not awesome. | ||
| I should have never heard of anyone say the Forrest Gump soundtrack was awesome. | ||
| What? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| No, they put together a lot of great tunes. | ||
| Forrest Gump's soundtrack was awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I don't remember it at all. | ||
| Let's see what it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was out that year. | |
| You son of a bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Time has come today! | |
| Where's it going to billboard? | ||
| Oh my god, look at what we got here. | ||
| Fortunate Son. | ||
| The album went to number two? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Fortunate Son. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Hound Dog by Elvis. | ||
| Respect by Otis Redding. | ||
| They're better songs. | ||
| Bob Dylan. | ||
| It just has a soundtrack. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| Buffalo Spring, The Doors, Garfunks, get out of here! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck up, Ari! | |
| You Zionist! | ||
| Ari! | ||
| Zionist! | ||
| Put the headphones on. | ||
| You're being obnoxious and annoying. | ||
| Put your headphones on. | ||
| You stepped on all of us, you fucking Zionist. | ||
| Put the headphones on. | ||
| Free palestine. | ||
| Put the headphones on. | ||
| You colonized this fucking conversation, bro. | ||
| Yeah, go back to the tunnel. | ||
| I hate you, dude. | ||
| What movies do they play in the tunnels? | ||
| Tunnel's wild, right? | ||
| What are they playing in the tunnels? | ||
| It's just Schindler's list. | ||
| Tell me what you know about the tunnel. | ||
| What's the email list tell you? | ||
| They still won't talk. | ||
| Put your headphones on so we don't talk over each other. | ||
| No, we're all talking over each other. | ||
| You're the only one in the tunnel. | ||
| Everybody pauses when other people start talking because you have headphones on I was hoping Ari is too fucked up to notice He goes, we're all wearing headphones. | ||
| Let's all go. | ||
| No, literally nobody is. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| At least Norman's got him around his chin. | ||
| He can at least keep up. | ||
| You know what else is nice? | ||
| What? | ||
| Remember the Titans soundtrack. | ||
| Another great classic. | ||
| How about Vision Quest? | ||
| Vision Quest? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's that? | ||
| Movie from the 90s about a wrestler. | ||
| You fucking stoner. | ||
| I've never heard of that. | ||
| Might not even be from the 90s. | ||
| Might be like 89. 80s. | ||
| It was a movie about... | ||
| It might be like late 80s now that I think about it. | ||
| I'm like 85, 86. It's a movie about a wrestler. | ||
| Matthew Modine. | ||
| We're not allowed to play music? | ||
| No, we can't. | ||
| Did you see Ironclaw? | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| Oh, you would like it. | ||
| It was Ironclaw. | ||
| It's heavy duty. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Oh, come on, J-Mo! | ||
| What's Ironclaw? | ||
| It's about the, what is it, Van Hoos? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, what's his name? | ||
| Oh, that's the one where Homeboy, the handsome fella. | ||
| Yeah, Zac Efron. | ||
| Zac Efron, that handsome guy. | ||
| It's really well done and sad as shit. | ||
| Oh, bro, fucking the pro wrestling world is mostly sad at the end. | ||
| Well, it's like the dark days of wrestling. | ||
| Open mic, high school gym shit. | ||
| By the way, all those open mic, high school gym wrestling matches, that's part of your ticket that you get punched for CTE. You got that right. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| There's the handsome guy. | ||
| Zach Efron. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's the real family with the dad. | ||
| It's a tragic family, man. | ||
| I heard the movie's awesome. | ||
| I have not seen it. | ||
| Is that Vader? | ||
| I was confusing you with the Man with the Iron Fist. | ||
| No, very different. | ||
| Which has got a fucking great soundtrack. | ||
| Really well done. | ||
| Holy shit, that's a good soundtrack. | ||
| Man with the Iron Fist? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| And there's also a Wu-Tang. | ||
| Spirit in the Sky. | ||
| Any soundtrack with Spirit in the Sky. | ||
| There's a Wu-Tang Black Keys collaboration. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| The baddest man alive. | ||
| The Black Clan. | ||
| That was Wu-Tang with them? | ||
| The one song? | ||
| One of the members of Wu-Tang. | ||
| Not Inspector Dick. | ||
| Who was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
RZA. RZA did the whole soundtrack. | |
| One of them cut their dick off. | ||
| To what? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, one of the Wu-Tang cut their dick off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| Yeah, give it a go. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Swear to God. | ||
| Yeah, one of the lesser known associates. | ||
| Method Woman? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Specter Dickless? | ||
| Isn't the Jizzle like a master level chess player? | ||
| Like a high level chess player? | ||
| Is that Jizzle anymore? | ||
| Not the Rizzle, the Jizzle. | ||
| I think the Rizzle is too. | ||
| Oh, I like that. | ||
| With the Jizzle specifically. | ||
| Are we listening to music? | ||
| We can't. | ||
| We can't play it. | ||
| Damn, YouTube, you cunt! | ||
| I don't want to keep asking. | ||
| It's a great... | ||
| Yeah, that is annoying. | ||
| Yeah, remember we played a whole Freebird on here. | ||
| What was that we played? | ||
| Oh my god, that was Glorious. | ||
| Glorious! | ||
| I talked too much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you didn't talk too much. | |
| Yeah, I read the comments. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you get the comments, you lose the music. | ||
| Hit it! | ||
| There you go, Fetty! | ||
| Put it down! | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| We need some uncopywritten versions of this song. | ||
| Like, call in with a few... | ||
| But you can't even do a cover! | ||
| They'll fucking... | ||
| It's a cover's a problem. | ||
| They'll nick you. | ||
| They'll nick you with a cover. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know who can take a cover, man. | |
| They'll nick you. | ||
| They'll nick you. | ||
| To steal from ya. | ||
| I loved, my favorite one was Connor's, when Connor does, when he was talking about you, when, uh... | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Khabib. | ||
| And he was like, that's an illegal me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up, Joe, you fool ya! | |
| Call the police. | ||
| That's an illegal name. | ||
| Listen, I have to do commentary on the rules. | ||
| I have to. | ||
| If someone lands an illegal knee, I have to let the audience know it's illegal. | ||
| Conor was talking about the... | ||
| Conor was just fired up. | ||
| Talking about the commentary? | ||
| He gets fired up. | ||
| He gets on Twitter. | ||
| He gets on voice Twitter. | ||
| He's the only guy on earth that uses it. | ||
| I'm in your wife's DMs, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up, Joe. | |
| You fool ya. | ||
| You can't see the springbok. | ||
| Remember the Reebok? | ||
| Well, this is the springbok. | ||
| Yes, let me hear it. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was an illegal knee on the head of a grounded opponent. | |
| Shut up, Joe, you little fool. | ||
| Listen, this is my thing. | ||
| I think not only should it be legal, I think all knees on the ground should be legal, 100%. | ||
| I think knees to a grounded opponent to the head should be legal. | ||
| The only problem with that is the cage. | ||
| It's the only problem because you can't move your head out of the way. | ||
| If someone's got your head pinned against the cage and they knee you in the face, that's disastrous. | ||
| But every other place, I feel like you should be able to knee somebody in the head. | ||
| On top, on the bottom. | ||
| It would stop stalling. | ||
| It would stop people hanging out in the turtle position. | ||
| You wouldn't be able to. | ||
| There's a lot of reasons to stop. | ||
| You should have knees on the ground. | ||
| So I think what he did 100% should be legal. | ||
| If you're on your back and a guy's on top of you, you can knee him in the head. | ||
| That should be legal. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There's a significant advantage of being on top. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up, Joe. | |
| But you should also be able to knee him in the head if you're on top. | ||
| That's like realistic. | ||
| That's what fighting really is. | ||
| That was during the Khabib fight? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| There's no chance he was on top throwing knees during the Khabib. | ||
| No, he was on the bottom. | ||
| That was the thing. | ||
| Even on the bottom, it's illegal. | ||
| Oh, on the bottom you're not allowed? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he's also got a knee on the mat. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So if a guy's grounded, he's on top of you, inside control, right? | ||
| So a guy's on top of you, his head is here. | ||
| If you lift your knee up, you can just slam his knee from here. | ||
| You can just slam his knee into your head. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| You can't throw a knee or a kick to a grounded opponent in the face. | ||
| I see. | ||
| Fire him up, dude. | ||
| Tell that to Don Fry. | ||
| Well, in the early days, everything was legal. | ||
| In Pride, they used to stomp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They used to do soccer kicks and stomps. | |
| No, no. | ||
| Back before Pride was about fucking dudes. | ||
| They love knees. | ||
| They're always on the knees. | ||
| Mark, here's a good question for you, Ari. | ||
| Because you're the gayest person here. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| Who is the gayest person here? | ||
| You look like you own a gun range. | ||
| Women are swooning over me. | ||
| When did Pride... | ||
| When did Pride become automatically associated with gay? | ||
| That's a big shift. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| That is. | ||
| Over UFC. Like, if you just say Pride... | ||
| First it was MMA, and then it became... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it used to be America. | |
| It used to be America. | ||
| It was the first Pride thing. | ||
| Well, they're called Proud Boys. | ||
| If you say you had Pride, though, you would say you had Pride in America. | ||
| Remember that Norm joke about that? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I love that joke. | ||
| Can I get a little music from you, Mr. Shafir? | ||
| America! | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| That's the IDF talking. | ||
| America! | ||
| Fuck it! | ||
| Stop it again! | ||
| Yeah, you took it down there, family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| I pay taxes. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I pay taxes. | ||
| I live in this country. | ||
| All right, easy, migrant. | ||
| Taxes, let me. | ||
| Let me. | ||
| Joe, fill us up for Mark. | ||
| Have my goddamn beer. | ||
| 70! | ||
| Bro, stay away from that. | ||
| I got a joke on this. | ||
| So, in 1970... | ||
| Stay away from Stonewall, dude. | ||
| I got a joke on this. | ||
| But still, back then... | ||
| Gates didn't even have the fucking manhood to defend themselves. | ||
| The lesbos took it. | ||
| Stay away from Stonewall, dude. | ||
| That's my one good joke I got right now. | ||
| Please. | ||
| I missed you. | ||
| I'm moving on. | ||
| So, 1970. Yep. | ||
| It was 1970. With Pride. | ||
| Yeah, but that's when they started calling it Gay Pride. | ||
| 1970. When did it catch on? | ||
| But the word Pride wasn't synonymous with gay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because the gays steal things. | ||
| They took the reins. | ||
| It was rainbow. | ||
| They took Pride. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You ever see the black power speech? | ||
| When the guy invented black power? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, Martin Luther King took a day off one of the rally campaigns. | ||
| And this guy was like waiting for the opportunity. | ||
| He goes, fuck white power. | ||
| Fuck white power. | ||
| How about us? | ||
| How about black power? | ||
| And they all start chanting it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He's such a good speaker. | ||
| And he goes, it's too late. | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| Martin Luther King got back. | ||
| It was too late. | ||
| It caught on. | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You made this up? | ||
| It's possible! | ||
| I don't think I did. | ||
| I don't think I did. | ||
| This is how Flat Earth got started. | ||
| They speak confidently. | ||
| They say a bunch of nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's 50-50. | |
| Both that I made it up and it's 100% truth. | ||
| I can't tell you. | ||
| I wish we had the fucking internet. | ||
| I wish we had Fred Hampton give a speech, dude. | ||
| I want to get the people going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am a revolutionary. | |
| I die for the people. | ||
| Did you ever see this deleted scene from Forrest Gump since we were just talking about that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| No, this is wild, dude. | ||
| It's Forrest Gump was hanging out with Martin Luther King? | ||
| Yeah, they had to get rid of this scene, but it's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smart. | |
| Smart move. | ||
| There's no sound on this for some reason. | ||
| Why did they have to get rid of this? | ||
| Well, they raised the kid. | ||
| He's playing... | ||
| They just had to cut for time. | ||
| You see, he comes over, all the dogs are trying to attack him, and he, like, gets a stick, and he throws it. | ||
| It's too ridiculous. | ||
| I'm like, sorry about that. | ||
| It's too ridiculous. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so ridiculous. | ||
| What do I got? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got my stick. | |
| Whoa! - Whoa! | ||
| They would have torn him to shreds. | ||
| Oh, he would have had zero chance staying alive. | ||
| He would have had no skin left. | ||
| That's actually offensive. | ||
| What? | ||
| This? | ||
| I think even back then they were like, we gotta cut that. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| All they had to do was toss the stick back and civil rights would have been accomplished. | ||
| I'm willing to buy that he's awesome at ping pong. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I will go that far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They cut it. | |
| It was ridiculous in the right way. | ||
| I'm a great actor. | ||
| I will go that far with Ping Pong. | ||
| You can't tell me that no one from the African-American community could have figured that out. | ||
| No dude was good at dogs. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| He has a rapist uncle? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| From Home Alone. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That's a Michael Jackson scene. | ||
| You can't do that anymore. | ||
| There's so much implied. | ||
| This is like day one. | ||
| You can't pants a kid? | ||
| Not these days anymore. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I've been pantsing kids my whole childhood. | ||
| That balding old man who has zero chance at pussy can't pants kids. | ||
| If you can't do it, Mark can do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're bald, you can't pants kids. | |
| It's the way he looks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen to me, this is very important. | |
| The odds of a woman choosing that guy over anybody are very small. | ||
| Forget women love competency, Joe. | ||
| And obviously not competent. | ||
| He's wearing a fucking vest. | ||
| What if he's a beast, dude? | ||
| I doubt he is. | ||
| This is a crazy person. | ||
| Look at his grimace as he pantses him. | ||
| A crazy person as hard as a rock while he's tormenting a child. | ||
| This is a fucking creep with two terabytes of kiddie porn on his fucking hard drive. | ||
| That dude runs a Discord server. | ||
| That was originally people looking at AI child porn. | ||
| That was supposed to be Kevin Spacey. | ||
| He didn't get the role. | ||
| Not in real life. | ||
| The real guy is, you know, it's an actor, it's a movie, it's a different time. | ||
| I'm just joking. | ||
| Yeah, that was 92. But if that was a real human that was alone with a little kid and that's your move? | ||
| Not like tell this little, hey Bobby, wanna know what I do for a living? | ||
| Who is that guy? | ||
| That's not his dad. | ||
| That's some fucking creepy dude he got stuck with. | ||
| You get stuck with this fucking 50-year-old incel who wants to pants you and then go jerk off to his Discord server. | ||
| It's psycho. | ||
| That guy's a psycho. | ||
| That guy's a straight-up psycho tormenting a young child who is so vulnerable. | ||
| He can't do anything. | ||
| I would pants my nephew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd get a knife. | |
| If that guy pantsed me, I'd get a knife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd get a knife, and the next time he pantsed me, I'm going to take him. | |
| You'd cut him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That fucking guy would do a fish in that canoe trip. | |
| He came close. | ||
| He tried. | ||
| That's what his goal was. | ||
| I think it was the opposite. | ||
| Me deep-throating him. | ||
| I had a little tiny knife back then. | ||
| It would have probably taken it away from me. | ||
| I had a little fucking Swiss Army knife. | ||
| One of those little bitch-ass knives. | ||
| You would have cut him? | ||
| A hundred. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I was vulnerable, man. | ||
| This guy was a weird dude. | ||
| Just get a precocked. | ||
| He's telling me you love me. | ||
| Get a precocked and get ready to go. | ||
| These headphones are doing nothing! | ||
| I had my hand on a knife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You ever get sexually assaulted by a man? | ||
| You were in a very serious religious group. | ||
| January, but it was different. | ||
| That was the L trend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari, Ari, Ari. | |
| What happened to you in the tunnel? | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| It's storage space. | ||
| It's just storage space. | ||
| Why does it have to be sex trafficking? | ||
| What about this shit-smeared bloody mattress? | ||
| That's a Snopes! | ||
| That's a snow! | ||
| Let's give it a goob! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You won't look at the Black Power speech, but you won't look at the fucking Jew tunnels! | |
| Give it a goob! | ||
| This guy's not a journalist. | ||
| There's one fake one that you guys made. | ||
| About the tunnels? | ||
| Yeah, you could be like, that's AI. I don't know why the acidic Jewish community literally won't just make a statement. | ||
| Just be like, hey, here's what it is. | ||
| Well, the Jewish communities aren't responsible for, like, one psycho who made a tunnel. | ||
| That synagogue should say something. | ||
| That wasn't one guy, brother. | ||
| One thousand guys. | ||
| Dude, there's so many towns you guys don't even know about. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| They go all the way to Cleveland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| There's a lot of tunnels. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Hey, now that we're talking about the Jews, how much do you guys control the weather for real? | ||
| It's not like that, dude. | ||
| You can guide it. | ||
| Well, couldn't you help the forest fires in L.A.? You can't go from like 85 to like 60. If it's 78, you can go to 82. All right. | ||
| Pretty good. | ||
| No one's listening but me and you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why was the smoke orange? | |
| Just in New York and not in Toronto. | ||
| What did your people do? | ||
| What are you, burning foreskins? | ||
| Was it you guys or was it the CIA? Who burnt the fucking chemicals and made the fucking sky orange? | ||
| That's a lot of menorah candles. | ||
| There's gotta be a Jews made the sky orange. | ||
| These are the type of conspiracies that distract. | ||
| Air quality similar to Bay Area's 2020 orange sky. | ||
| Bay also has a lot of Jews and Asians. | ||
| It's super similar to when the Bay Area had fires right next door where you could see the fucking flames and it turned the sky orange. | ||
| Super similar to a place where the fire is thousands of miles away. | ||
| Super fucking similar to the flames that caused the gray to look red. | ||
| The fucking flames. | ||
| Trudeau. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super similar. | |
| Let's see that boy again. | ||
| Oh, it says air quality. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I misread it. | ||
| It said air quality. | ||
| Yeah, the air quality is real similar. | ||
| I thought they were talking about the sky color. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I got carried away. | ||
| I blame Protect Our Parks and Bud Light. | ||
| I think these types of theories distract from when we sit around and talk about controlling the weather and stuff, it distracts from actual what you guys are, you know. | ||
| What are you really up to in the temple? | ||
| What have you guys done? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What have you guys done to the trans kids? | ||
| Weinstein, Epstein, Badoff. | ||
| What have you done? | ||
| Quite a list. | ||
|
unidentified
|
False! | |
| Okay, what were we fucking Googling? | ||
| Mattress. | ||
| Oh, the description in this post paints a false picture of the tunnel discovery, which was reported to police by synagogue officials. | ||
| Wait, wait a minute. | ||
| The synagogue officials? | ||
| You want to disbelieve it. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You don't want to believe in a fucking realistic explanation. | ||
| Look what this says. | ||
| Who wrote it? | ||
| Scroll up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scroll up. | |
| It must not be true. | ||
| Let's examine the author. | ||
| Who wrote it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please. | |
| Please. | ||
| For the audience. | ||
| For the audience. | ||
| USA Today is the article. | ||
| But let me be clear. | ||
| Go back to the fucking thing I was reading. | ||
| Hannah wrote this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| It says... | ||
| The description in this post paints a false picture of the tunnel discovery, which was reported to police by synagogue officials. | ||
| Did they report the tunnel? | ||
| Is that what they're saying? | ||
| Because that's not real. | ||
| I don't know who reported it. | ||
| There's no actual reports on what how it is. | ||
| People saw Jews coming out of the ground, and they were like, hey! | ||
| I've been a bit about it. | ||
| I've been a bit about it. | ||
| Is this a fucking movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
City official? | |
| City officials said there was one tunnel, not a series of tunnels. | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
| All the way to Cleveland. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| All the way to Cleveland. | ||
| Cleveland. | ||
| I want to be clear. | ||
| The Protect Our Parks actual Jew. | ||
| All the way to Cleveland. | ||
| It was adjacent to the synagogue, not under it. | ||
| It wasn't under it, you fucking liars. | ||
| Mattresses shown in the viral video came from behind wood paneling inside the synagogue, not from the tunnel. | ||
| It's amazing how everybody wants to go to underage sex trafficking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You idiots! | |
| It's from behind the synagogue! | ||
| Kanye was right! | ||
| It's not related to the tunnel, guys! | ||
| It was underage sex trafficking. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| Everybody goes straight to that every time. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| What house was the tunnel for, you fucking dumbass? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Couldn't be storage space in Manhattan. | ||
| But hold on, guys. | ||
| Guys, guys, guys. | ||
| Storage for what? | ||
| But guys! | ||
| So much! | ||
| Guys! | ||
| Look how crazy this is saying. | ||
| The mattress is real! | ||
| This blood-stained mattress is still real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who gives a fuck if it was 12 feet to the left? | |
| So it's in the synagogue, but it's not in a tunnel that's under the synagogue? | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| You got a mattress. | ||
| It was in the garbage. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| It's not right there! | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| What's the blood from, though? | ||
| Why the blood? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Chicks! | ||
| I see. | ||
| Menstrual? | ||
| This is his last part. | ||
| Last part says an unverified video... | ||
| Chicks! | ||
| It's every month with them! | ||
| Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari. | ||
| Slow down. | ||
| Look at the end of it. | ||
| It says an unverified video shows what appears to be a high chair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it shows only one such seat. | |
| Little kids. | ||
| And it was located amid trash, clutter and dirt in a basement room, not in a tunnel. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| So it's there, not 12 feet to the right. | ||
| The whole thing is so crazy. | ||
| No, that wasn't in the tunnel. | ||
| That was in the other shit that we discovered when we figured out we had a tunnel. | ||
| We don't throw things out! | ||
| Someone else might need a high chair in two weeks. | ||
| I thought you'd just sell it. | ||
| Just clean it up. | ||
| Yeah, sell it for later. | ||
| Just save it. | ||
| Why chuck it? | ||
| We might need it. | ||
| When it's Catholics, I'm like, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Oh, confrontation began over an attempt to fill in the tunnel. | ||
| Why would you fill it in once it's already built? | ||
| Just regulate it. | ||
| Yeah, build a subway. | ||
| But isn't it crazy though? | ||
| But you're allowed to have a basement, you can't have a tunnel. | ||
| You can't have an attic, can't have a tunnel. | ||
| You have a secret room, that's fine. | ||
| No tunnels. | ||
| You gotta do it up to code. | ||
| The best of the guy was like, I heard everybody complain. | ||
| You have a tunnel in there? | ||
| I have a tunnel in my club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where? | |
| When you go into the audience. | ||
| We need a real tunnel. | ||
| Alright, that wasn't real. | ||
| We're under the ground. | ||
| Listen, Shane Gillis. | ||
| The what? | ||
| I don't go in tunnels. | ||
| Shane Gillis, when you think about the architecture of my club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was not real. | |
| It's a secret tunnel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Obviously it's a secret tunnel. | |
| When you go inside and you go downstairs, you're under everything. | ||
| You're under the street. | ||
| You're in a tunnel. | ||
| You feel at home there. | ||
| You do. | ||
| That tunnels was nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you? | |
| You like tunnels. | ||
| The thing with the guy saying I heard Jews was not real? | ||
| I'm going to put a stained mattress in the tunnel so you can see it when you get up to the stage. | ||
| Right next to the stage. | ||
| You're like, no worries, Ari. | ||
| It's just a stained mattress. | ||
| It's not even in the real tunnel. | ||
| They were throwing it out, you fucking QAnon people! | ||
| Yeah, they were throwing it out by leaving it out. | ||
| It's the rubbish! | ||
| Duffed into a dark corner of their fucking building. | ||
| Yeah, throwing it out. | ||
| Dude, you don't know what it's like. | ||
| Eventually, when I get done fucking people on this mattress. | ||
| They find an old t-shirt. | ||
| They're like, well, somebody, we should find somebody who could use it. | ||
| Let's not throw it away. | ||
| Somebody wants a shit-stained mattress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look at that! | |
| That's a gay squirter. | ||
| That's a gay squirter. | ||
| That's an enema. | ||
| That's an enema release. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| What's with the wigs, by the way? | ||
| With the ladies? | ||
| It's, you're not attractive. | ||
| That's how to do it. | ||
| Wear a wig and a costume. | ||
| Today you're gonna be a gypsy. | ||
| They threw out a high chair and everyone's like, underage sex trafficking. | ||
| Tomorrow you're a leprechaun. | ||
| Every day you're a different thing. | ||
| I'm so bored. | ||
| Listen, I want you to bake pies and dress up. | ||
| Tonight you're a squirrel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You're a Jew. | ||
| I mean, how do you feel about the Jew hate right now? | ||
| I don't see any of it. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I think it's all internet related. | ||
| If you go to Palestine, you will 100% fucking see it. | ||
| If I went to a very specific region of the world, yes, I might be. | ||
| Online, it's more emboldened. | ||
| Is it not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But I'm in New York and all over the country and really the world, and I've never seen any. | ||
| I've not been all over the world since October 7th. | ||
| I've been all over the country. | ||
| I've never seen a single thing in my real life, so I think you've got to shut your computers off and live your fucking life. | ||
| Go on hiking. | ||
| But isn't it what we talked about, about reading comments? | ||
| It's that. | ||
| They're shoving the worst shit in front of you all the time. | ||
| So you think that's the world. | ||
| It's not the world. | ||
| I'm the Jewiest looking guy in the world. | ||
| If there was any fucking antisemitism, statistically realistic, it would come to me. | ||
| I want to send you as a correspondent for the JRE to go to the Free Palestine protests. | ||
| I'll go to that. | ||
| You should go to that. | ||
| I'll try to blend in. | ||
| That nose is so punchable. | ||
| Nah, I couldn't. | ||
| That nose is so punchable. | ||
| It's such a target, even for hooks. | ||
| Oh my gosh, everyone could do so much damage. | ||
| You're talking about Jew, you're a Jew, Jew face, super Jewish guy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Never had a problem. | ||
| Would you say that goes to everything? | ||
| Black people are not that preyed upon. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Almost everybody. | ||
| Gays are not that preyed upon. | ||
| Me and his friend Dave Marshall had the same thing. | ||
| Just imagine all these terrible things happening. | ||
| When day-to-day life, 99.9% is fun, everyone just enjoying the weather at the same time. | ||
| No, if you're everybody. | ||
| Nate said the same thing to me. | ||
| You get clicks. | ||
| It's just like, oh, I'm in fear of all this stuff happening. | ||
| Depends who you talk to. | ||
| If you're online more, everything's terrible. | ||
| But if you're in the south side of Chicago where violent crime and murder is higher than it is in Afghanistan at the peak of the invasion, then that's not real. | ||
| I guess so, but I'm not there. | ||
| So what you're saying, imagine this terrible place. | ||
| No, you don't have to imagine it. | ||
| But I'm just saying, if you make a blanket statement that everybody's life is... | ||
| Less terrible than what you're seeing in the media. | ||
| Almost everybody. | ||
| Statistically insignificant. | ||
| If you just shut off your computer, you wouldn't see any anti-black hatred, anti-anti-Jewish, none of it. | ||
| Just go out and go for a hike. | ||
| Everybody's pretty cool with each other. | ||
| If you're talking about hatred, yes, that's true. | ||
| You can go find it in small things on college campuses on a day. | ||
| And wouldn't we all agree that most hatred is rooted in you just don't know that person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, even that. | |
| And you've got to understand them. | ||
| You'd be pretty cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And all... | ||
| SNL was pretty chill. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, guess what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate them. | |
| And you're like, nah. | ||
| You know what else is pretty chill? | ||
| Bud Light coming out of an eagle's asshole. | ||
| And I'd say that... | ||
| Bud Light rocks. | ||
| Bud Light coming out of an eagle's asshole is even better than regular Bud Light. | ||
| Bud Light coming out of an asshole. | ||
| Of an eagle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of an eagle. | |
| Of American Eagle? | ||
| This is what you're doing. | ||
| America does rule. | ||
| You're felching a fucking American Eagle. | ||
| Damn, we're not even allowed to show that cool America's number one video that we always share in the group chat? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Can we just play that and see what happens? | ||
| Do it! | ||
| You gotta do it like this. | ||
| And... | ||
| I think the fact that we can say shit online, but you don't get any repercussions has added a lot. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You used to get beat up. | ||
| You say horrible, crazy things. | ||
| It's all fine. | ||
| It's all fine. | ||
| Life's great. | ||
| You mean this place? | ||
| This place here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Us? | |
| I'm saying in general, you can say shit online, you say mean shit, and you'll never have a repercussion. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| I think that adds to a lot of it. | ||
| It's all virtual. | ||
| It's all nonsense. | ||
| People are saying this. | ||
| No one's saying it. | ||
| They're posting these things. | ||
| They're posting mean things. | ||
| They would never say that in an elevator. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Never happens. | ||
| But they would say it online. | ||
| It's segmented tribalism. | ||
| We're so tribal. | ||
| It's all tribalism. | ||
| It's all stupid. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| And it's also if you have fucking social media, you have this ability to fucking isolate groups of people or attack groups of people. | ||
| It's so fucking dumb. | ||
| In the real world, most people get along if there's communication. | ||
| And it's a lot of optics. | ||
| And they're cool. | ||
| If you're cool in this communication, everybody's cool. | ||
| It just got warm in New York on a day. | ||
| High six. | ||
| There's no left and right. | ||
| There's no high class, low class. | ||
| What a good day. | ||
| There's no right. | ||
| How many dicks did you suck that day? | ||
| Seven or eight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But they were from both sides. | |
| From all sides of the galley. | ||
| I feel like that was what was next. | ||
| New York's. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Oh, dude, the Upper East Side is right. | ||
| Where do you live? | ||
| The Upper West is right. | ||
| What do you mean, right? | ||
| Oh, they're dudes. | ||
| Economically, they're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| But they're quiet. | ||
| They're salty. | ||
| They love them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, fired up. | |
| We got everything there. | ||
| Let's just hit it, dude. | ||
| Who cares about the drugs? | ||
| God, America's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, you sent me that once a month. | |
| And then in? | ||
| Listen, this is the best place to be. | ||
| Despite all the chaos. | ||
| The chaos exists in the world. | ||
| We just talked about Scotland trying to arrest comedians. | ||
| I know, it's so easy here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great. | |
| These did Sean Connery hitting women. | ||
| Those were the days. | ||
| We didn't talk about that fucking guy in Belgium. | ||
| Jamie, show the memes so these guys could see the shit that this guy was sharing. | ||
| Gerard Depardieu? | ||
| The memes are fucking so innocuous. | ||
| They're so nothing. | ||
| They didn't even come close to the memes we share. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Arrested? | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because America rules it memes too, bitch. | ||
| America's number one. | ||
| You can keep shitting on America when everybody's trying to move things. | ||
| So what does that tell you? | ||
| What? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Well, everybody keeps coming here. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You sound like my uncle 15 years ago. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| People are coming here. | ||
| You're talking about my grandparents. | ||
| Yeah, mine too. | ||
| I'm second generation. | ||
| Sicilian. | ||
| Who's talking shit on America like that? | ||
| All kinds of locals. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Just online. | ||
| Shut it off. | ||
| No one's really doing that. | ||
| Everybody knows we're number one. | ||
| Well, how about the, I'm going to leave if this guy wins. | ||
| You're like, that's my favorite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you're not going to leave. | |
| Yeah, but they don't ever leave. | ||
| They never leave. | ||
| Because it's great. | ||
| We got Chipotle. | ||
| Everything except PTO. We're bad in that. | ||
| Maybe this time they'll go to Canada where it's a thousand times worse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Maybe this time. | ||
| How would you like to live in Minnesota if it was fucking gayer? | ||
| Welcome to fucking Canada. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Gayer and colder. | ||
| Imagine Minnesota, but not cool at all. | ||
| Just gay. | ||
| Yeah, no Somalians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Unless Trudeau's on Halloween. | ||
| He's got the right wine. | ||
| Bro, they might get rid of that dude. | ||
| If they do, they can pull it around. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Trudeau. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That Pierre Polivet? | ||
| How do you say it? | ||
| He's pretty sexy, that guy. | ||
| Polivet? | ||
| Did I say it right? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| He's very French. | ||
| Let's also be honest, dude. | ||
| He's brilliant. | ||
| He's smart. | ||
| We've been trashing Canada because of how gay Trudeau is, but Canada does fucking rock. | ||
| Canada rules in the summer. | ||
| Canada's one of the old times. | ||
| Oh, you pissing in there? | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| He's pissing in Bud Light Canada's dirty bitch. | ||
| Make this part of your new campaign where I piss in bottles. | ||
| Try to ruin my campaign, you little nasty motherfuckers. | ||
| Piss in that whiskey. | ||
| Don't piss in that. | ||
| Get a bottle. | ||
| Piss in it. | ||
| No, don't piss in the bottle that's half full. | ||
| Someone might drink it, you monster. | ||
| Don't make it taste better. | ||
| Get a bottle. | ||
| Online. | ||
| Piss in it. | ||
| But yeah. | ||
| Toronto's a fun town, and Vancouver's fun. | ||
| Good crowds. | ||
| Good crowds, good chicks, good drugs. | ||
| Everything rules in Canada. | ||
| If you bring up Trudeau, though, they go apeshit. | ||
| Who brings up the government? | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Everywhere I go, if I go to Canada, I'm like, fuck Trudeau. | ||
| I don't go to Canada. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Pisses the line, right? | ||
| I say, fuck Trudeau. | ||
| They get fired up. | ||
| The truckers hate him. | ||
| The truckers hate him. | ||
| Regular people hate him. | ||
| Historically, Canada is a good country. | ||
| They go hard, dude. | ||
| They're nice people. | ||
| They were a D-Day. | ||
| They were a fucking D-Day. | ||
| That's why they're so subject to this bullshit. | ||
| Because they're trying to be nice. | ||
| That's why they're so vulnerable. | ||
| Because they're trying to be nice. | ||
| Because they're genuinely nice people. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| It's cold as fuck up there. | ||
| People cooperate. | ||
| They're nice. | ||
| Alright, I'm gonna get fired up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| Get fired up! | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| Easy, big fella. | ||
| No, they're not that fired up. | ||
| Fire up! | ||
| I might be dumb and wrong, but those are one of those countries that, like, the UK, like, when they go to war, which they always do, they always call on the bros. | ||
| It's always Scotland. | ||
| Canada, Australia, all the dominions that are just like settler white people. | ||
| We've been making money for you all these years. | ||
| When they call on Australia and Canada to go to war, they go to war, dude, and they go hard. | ||
| They've always gone hard. | ||
| Canada rules. | ||
| Historically, Canada rules. | ||
| Historically? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right now they're being gay. | ||
| I think Banff is the same as it's always been. | ||
| Canada has a fantastic history of combat sports athletes. | ||
| Solid chick hockey players. | ||
| And comedians. | ||
| Rory? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Norm Macdonald. | ||
| Norm. | ||
| The other guy. | ||
| Jim Carrey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those donuts. | ||
| Great donuts. | ||
| Tim Hortons' rules. | ||
| Listen, there was a guy in the 1980s. | ||
| Whistler's awesome. | ||
| There was a guy in the 1980s, there was a French-Canadian named Jean-Nives Theriault. | ||
| And he was a fucking assassin in kickboxing. | ||
| He was the man. | ||
| What about St. Pierre or whatever? | ||
| Yeah, but I'm talking about the 1980s. | ||
| There was a guy named Jean... | ||
| It's not related at all, Mark. | ||
| He's not even close to related. | ||
| This is like, shut up! | ||
| This is like kickboxing in the 19-fucking-80s. | ||
| I read this guy's book. | ||
| I started running stairs because of this. | ||
| You read a kickboxer's book? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Are you dumb as fuck? | ||
| I'm dumb as fuck. | ||
| I've read about 30 kickboxer's books. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every kickboxer's book that anybody ever wrote, I read. | |
| I did sit-ups, and then I kicked that guy in the fucking head. | ||
| That would be a dumb fat dude's interpretation of what a world-class combat sport athlete would tell you what to do. | ||
| That's a nasty thing to say, dude. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| What a disgusting thing you just said. | ||
| When's the last time you read Steinbeck? | ||
| You're reading fucking GSB's book. | ||
| I was in high school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're reading fucking retard camouflage books. | |
| I haven't read these books since I was like 21. You're forced to. | ||
| But from the time I was 15... | ||
| No, I did it because I was trying... | ||
| The same reason I got this stupid tattoo on my right arm of Miyamoto Musashi. | ||
| I read books on how to fight. | ||
| If this didn't work out, you would have been the dumbest motherfucker of all time. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But it worked out. | ||
| This is Miyamoto. | ||
| Boy, did it work. | ||
| I got lucky. | ||
| Telling girls at bars, this is a movie show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's all connected. | |
| It's all connected. | ||
| If you can read about a dude who's figured out how to fuck people up with his feet. | ||
| He just kicked people in the face for a living. | ||
| I'm like, tell me how you did this. | ||
| I saw my left foot. | ||
| That's what kickboxing books are about. | ||
| So this guy was Jean-Yves Theriault. | ||
| Can we watch this? | ||
| Oh my god, he was a fucking assassin, man. | ||
| And he's from Montreal. | ||
| And he's a French-Canadian. | ||
| Bro, he fucked everybody up. | ||
| He just turns and walks. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| He was a fucking assassin. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Dude, you don't understand. | ||
| This guy was my hero when I was a kid. | ||
| Where'd he go? | ||
| When I was kickboxing, this was the guy I was trying to be. | ||
| I was trying to be this dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Did he kill a woman? | ||
| You gotta understand, there was no money back then. | ||
| He jumped off those people so fast. | ||
| Bro, he was a fucking assassin. | ||
| He was a very nice guy. | ||
| He's drawing chest hair on himself. | ||
| He had a gay cop mustache. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| And one of the things that he said was that he increased his kicking power substantially by running stairs. | ||
| So I started running fucking stairs. | ||
| I read this dude's book when I was like 15, 16 years old. | ||
| I love the chest hair. | ||
| Bro, he was a monster. | ||
| He was fucking everybody. | ||
| You gotta understand, this guy's record was just littered with chaos. | ||
| Everybody he fought. | ||
| Kickboxing back then... | ||
| Here's the deal about kickboxing. | ||
| Kickboxing back then was all... | ||
| It was all above the waist. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Nobody had figured out Thai boxing yet because the Thais had not come to America yet. | ||
| Jack talk Thai. | ||
| Jack talked I very well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what that means. | |
| Oh, it's a... | ||
| Remember the fuckers. | ||
| Remember the fuckers. | ||
| That's Rick Rufus. | ||
| Rick Rufus is the American hero. | ||
| Oh, he's a bad producer. | ||
| Oh, dude, he was a monster. | ||
| Rick Rufus was so good. | ||
| That's sexy, Asian. | ||
| That's Don the Dragon Wilson. | ||
| What? | ||
| It sounds like I'm making this up. | ||
| No, that guy's a legend. | ||
| Don the Dragon Wilson. | ||
| Oh, that guy's got Botox. | ||
| Listen, I want you to Google Don the Dragon Wilson versus... | ||
| 69. Goddammit. | ||
| Dennis Alexio. | ||
| Don the Dragon Wilson versus Dennis Alexio. | ||
| This is like a peak in your childhood here. | ||
| Don the Dragon Wilson. | ||
| You could have gotten into wrestling. | ||
| You got into this. | ||
| What I could have gotten is serious brain damage. | ||
| This is Don the Dragon Wilson versus Dennis Alexio. | ||
| So Don the Dragon Wilson is like a legend in kickboxing. | ||
| When there was no money in kickboxing. | ||
| 54 and 1. Look at that hairline. | ||
| He was a monster. | ||
| That's what I'm looking for. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| So he fought this guy, Dennis Alexio. | ||
| And Dennis Alexio, who was a fucking assassin, but he didn't understand leg kicks as well as Don did. | ||
| So get a little further on this. | ||
| See, Don just kicked his fucking legs out from under him. | ||
| And Dennis Alexio was a tank. | ||
| He was actually in one of those Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He was in Kickboxer. | ||
| He was like his brother that got killed by Tong Poe. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We kicked the column. | ||
| Number three. | ||
| So this was like a really important fight because it was one of the first fights between kickboxes. | ||
| He started leg kicking them. | ||
| And by the way, Don the Dragon Wilson, as good as he was, was not a tie. | ||
| He wasn't like a real expert or a Dutch guy like Ernesto Hoost or any of the greats. | ||
| There were so many great guys that came out of Holland. | ||
| He was a guy that was like an American guy who learned how to do leg kicks and started fucking people up with them when they allowed them. | ||
| Were the Dutch nasty at it because they colonized Southeast Asia? | ||
| They were so nasty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, hold on. | |
| First of all, they were big. | ||
| Yeah, but was it because they colonized Southeast Asia? | ||
| I don't know, man, but there's so many great guys. | ||
| Why else would they be good? | ||
| Listen, man, there's Rob Kamen, who's one of the greatest of all times, Ernesto Hoos, Peter Ertz, Bas Rutten, there's so many guys. | ||
| Do you think the possible Dutch brought it to Southeast Asia? | ||
| No, they learned it. | ||
| No, they learned it. | ||
| They learned it. | ||
| They were down there. | ||
| They learned it, but they were way bigger. | ||
| When World War II popped off, it was Japan attacking Dutch colonies to get the rubber in Southeast Asia. | ||
| So they were down there. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah, that's why the Dutch were always down there. | ||
| That's why they had Sri Lanka forever. | ||
| They had East Timor. | ||
| They ran the shit. | ||
| That's why they're good at kickboxing is because they colonized Southeast Asia. | ||
| The Dutch are the best colonizers because once they had everything, they're like, you guys can take it back. | ||
| With certain countries, they're like, go ahead, we're done. | ||
| They were like fucking Cincinnati. | ||
| They were number one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They did what England did. | ||
| They just became a bank. | ||
| They did that. | ||
| There's more money than that. | ||
| Dutch kickboxing roots can be traced back to the 1970s. | ||
| Dutchmen traveling to Japan learned Japanese kickboxing, which blended elements of Kyokushin karate and Muay Thai over the next 50 years. | ||
| Are you watching Shogun? | ||
| Oh my god, it's awesome. | ||
| It's fun, right? | ||
| How good is it? | ||
| It's like a Japanese Game of Thrones. | ||
| It looks good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The commercial looks good. | |
| Game of Thrones. | ||
| It's really well done. | ||
| I guarantee they ruin it. | ||
| I guarantee they put ladies in it. | ||
| They put ladies in it. | ||
| Ruined the story. | ||
| They already put ladies in it? | ||
| No. | ||
| There was an article written, why are there no black people on Shogun? | ||
| And people were like, it's because it's about Japan. | ||
| It's 1600. What the fuck happened? | ||
| What the fuck he's saying? | ||
| 1600s Japan. | ||
| You're fucking swinging every virtue flag you have. | ||
| Like, leave it! | ||
| Let's get black people on Shoga. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That is so bananas. | ||
| That's so bananas. | ||
| That could be good. | ||
| Why were there no Japanese people on Alien? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck are you talking about? | |
| What are you saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you saying? | |
| It's a movie, you fuck! | ||
| Why is there no women in Reservoir Dogs? | ||
| Because it's a movie! | ||
| It's about a bank robbery. | ||
| It's a movie about a moment. | ||
| It happens to have only guys in it. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| Just like the Barbie movie's okay! | ||
| It's fine! | ||
| It's all Barbie. | ||
| It's fine! | ||
| Barbie movie when... | ||
| Have you guys seen it? | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I enjoyed it! | ||
| Yeah, it was fun. | ||
| Yeah, I liked it. | ||
| I did not have a problem with it. | ||
| Really funny. | ||
| And I had a problem with people who had a problem with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no competition. | |
| It's a good movie. | ||
| It's a good movie. | ||
| Where's the black people in the show? | ||
| There was one, I guess. | ||
| There is one in the show. | ||
| No. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah, there's a character. | ||
| But this is complaining. | ||
| Oh, Blackthorn. | ||
| Okay, I haven't gotten to that episode yet, you son of a bitch. | ||
| Is it that good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking good, dude. | |
| It's fucking good. | ||
| No, why with the war? | ||
| Way better. | ||
| Way better. | ||
| And historic. | ||
| By the way, fuck me. | ||
| Fuck me. | ||
| But why the awards? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| To me, it's better. | ||
| Because I'm fascinated by Japanese culture. | ||
| Is it as well done as that? | ||
| Is it real as that? | ||
| Better than Married With Children? | ||
| Sons of Anarchy would be awesome if it was on HBO. If they got to go gangster. | ||
| First couple years, dude. | ||
| Right? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That show would be incredible. | ||
| It opens up with him executing a stalker and then fucking her while he's bleeding out. | ||
| It was pretty fucking good right away. | ||
| They got wild at the beginning. | ||
| At the beginning it was pretty fucking good. | ||
| Later it was like, eh. | ||
| Then they got that sweet, sweet ad money. | ||
| Went to Ireland and it was like, what are we doing here? | ||
| I have a Bud Light. | ||
| The Hells Angels should be a show. | ||
| They were all on crank. | ||
| Did you ever read Hunter S. Thompson's book, Hells Angels? | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| Shane, I got some bad news for you. | ||
| I had read chapters of it, but I never liked it. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| We're out of BL's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry to over-talk, but... | |
| No, we have more beer. | ||
| This is the Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| Throw one million dollars at the problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't think we have cases? | |
| J-Mo! | ||
| We have a million dollars that they can get us some beer. | ||
| To an esteemed guest like Shane Gill's? | ||
| And bring that manure over here, will ya? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| Train by day? | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| Oh yeah, get Carl out of here. | ||
| Look at that, Carl's like a 9-11. | ||
| Isn't that the greatest promo of all time? | ||
| I love it so much. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| The Diaz brothers are king. | ||
| But when Nick said that, I had no expectation. | ||
| I couldn't believe he said it. | ||
| I was like, oh my god. | ||
| That's our new introduction. | ||
| Yeah, you just made it. | ||
| Yeah, shout out to Red Band. | ||
| Red Band put it together. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| It's funny to see when you were there. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, oh shit, a shout-out? | ||
| And Nick Diaz, like my podcast? | ||
| I was like, this is incredible. | ||
| That was incredible. | ||
| Meanwhile, I'm like fucking in awe. | ||
| The one time you took me to one fight, and I was standing there, and Cameron Simons won a fight. | ||
| He's this little South African white guy. | ||
| South African bad motherfucker. | ||
| He just beat the fuck out of the guy, and then he stood up and like ran over to where I was sitting. | ||
| It was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, big fan man! | |
| And I was like, I'm sitting there holding a beer like, no way! | ||
| That's the dopest shit of all time. | ||
| He literally was on a dude's back. | ||
| You know how many times I've been with Theo and Dustin Poirier fights? | ||
| Dustin Poirier and Theo are homies and they'll like fucking point at Theo after he wins. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| How about when Dustin Poirier said at the last UFC, I missed it, I missed it, because I'm just trying to get the most out of him in an interview. | ||
| He gave a William Montgomery reference. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| I ain't never gonna stop! | ||
| No way. | ||
| He literally said it, and it sounded like William Montgomery, but my brain did not register it. | ||
| He and William Montgomery have been doing DMs back and forth. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| He talked about it on Instagram. | ||
| Comedy is huge. | ||
| He's the man! | ||
| Poirier's win that night was gigantic. | ||
| The best. | ||
| That was like the coolest moment of the night. | ||
| Louisiana. | ||
| Lafayette. | ||
| My thoughts on that fight going in was that that dude is a dangerous grappler. | ||
| He's a judo black belt. | ||
| He's a fucking French special forces guy. | ||
| St. Denis. | ||
| He's a dangerous motherfucker. | ||
| But Poirier has an advantage to stand up. | ||
| And in stand up, you can't bridge that gap that quickly. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| There's like... | ||
| How long have you been doing stand-up? | ||
| He's been doing stand-ups since he was a little kid. | ||
| And he's got a wicked... | ||
| Wicked everything. | ||
| Striking. | ||
| Everything is wicked. | ||
| Leg kicks are wicked. | ||
| His striking's wicked. | ||
| You can't beat him. | ||
| You get into the second, third, fourth, and fifth rounds, you start making fundamental, like, tactical mistakes. | ||
| That's when conditioning and just knowing what the fuck you're doing takes over. | ||
| And those guys with high-level experience, they've been in hell. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Like, Poirier's been in hell. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Absolute hell. | ||
| So many times. | ||
| I love Poirier, but Gagey, my favorite fighter. | ||
| Gagey's your guy? | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He beat Poirier. | ||
| Poirier beat him before he beat him. | ||
| I know, but he won in the end. | ||
| He won recently. | ||
| He won the second one. | ||
| He won recently. | ||
| Those guys can fight ten times, and they might be five and five. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I love both of them, but I think Gagey's my favorite fighter. | ||
| Poirier passed me one of them. | ||
| Yeah, he was. | ||
| But Gagey's just an animal. | ||
| Gagey's awesome. | ||
| You can't stop him. | ||
| He's fighting Max Holloway at UFC 300. Really? | ||
| Who's coming? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where is it? | |
| Where is it? | ||
| When is it? | ||
| It's in Vegas. | ||
| Let's go! | ||
| April 13th, I think? | ||
| Is that what it is, Jamie? | ||
| Let's go! | ||
| Do it! | ||
| Yeah, April 13th. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Where you going, bitch? | ||
| Fuck, I'm doing a show in Austin. | ||
| Where you going, bitch? | ||
| I'm recording a special two weeks later. | ||
| Two weeks is two weeks? | ||
| I've got to be in the road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll be inspired. | |
| Do you have a game book that weekend? | ||
| You're going to fucking do comedy for communists? | ||
| Bunch of fucking Trudeau bootluckers up there. | ||
| Alifax goes hard. | ||
| Alifax is outsider fishermen. | ||
| They don't even know who they're ruled by. | ||
| They're outsider. | ||
| They're so mad. | ||
| They just care about the lobster. | ||
| They're so mad right now. | ||
| Yeah, the UFC is tough because they're all cool. | ||
| They're all fun. | ||
| There's so many good ones. | ||
| Like Cheeto, Sugar Sean was tough. | ||
| I love Sugar Sean. | ||
| Because you love Cheeto. | ||
| No, because I love Cheeto. | ||
| And Sugar Sean's the man. | ||
| He's cool. | ||
| He's a Kiltony. | ||
| He's a cool guy. | ||
| You can't like them personally because they're going to get hit at least once. | ||
| I know, but of course you like him personally. | ||
| He's got the accuracy. | ||
| It's not like a football player where you're like, ah, you got beat on that play. | ||
| Somebody punched you in the face. | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| Sugar Sean's cool. | ||
| I've hung out with him a bunch of times. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He likes comedy. | ||
| Last time I saw him, I was like, could you come please meet my friends? | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| Sugar Sean's awesome. | ||
| Chito Vera's the bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| Really? | ||
| Both those things are true. | ||
| They're both the bros. | ||
| They're both the bros. | ||
| So then they have to fight. | ||
| You sit there and you go, God damn. | ||
| Yeah, they're both cool fucking dudes. | ||
| I love both those dudes. | ||
| Yeah, they're both amazing. | ||
| It's real hard. | ||
| And it's hard when you're doing commentary on two people you love. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| And when one dude is just piecing the other dude up. | ||
| Till the end? | ||
| Sugar Sean put on a fucking clinic. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Till the end, though. | ||
| Yeah, and in the end, that's what Jason Perl was calling for the whole time. | ||
| Making it a brawl. | ||
| Fuck this dude up. | ||
| And he hit him with a shot to the body and really hurt him. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And also... | ||
| That was a good fight. | ||
| No one thought he had it. | ||
| Oh yeah, got me. | ||
| But he also, Cheeto put on a clinic, a chin clinic. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a good chin. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| He might have the best chin of all time. | ||
| That fucking, that knee to the face had him looking at his ankles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| His head snapped so far back. | ||
| Have you ever seen it? | ||
| Like on slow-mo? | ||
| His head snaps all the way back. | ||
| All the way back. | ||
| And he kept going. | ||
| And he never even stumbled. | ||
| No. | ||
| I should have killed him. | ||
| No indication that he was wobbled. | ||
| No indication that he was hurt. | ||
| He just fucking... | ||
| Still dangerous. | ||
| He stepped back. | ||
| Bro, he's an animal. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| He refused to be hurt. | ||
| All those guys like comedy. | ||
| Adesanya. | ||
| They do like comedy. | ||
| B.J. Penn used to like it. | ||
| I've never seen B.J. Penn coming up to you at the weigh-ins and be like, um... | ||
| BJ's the man. | ||
| You ever see that fucking camouflage jacket that I wear, like puffy camouflage jacket? | ||
| Cheeto got me that. | ||
| He was wearing that. | ||
| I go, bro, that is the dopest jacket I've ever seen. | ||
| He goes, you want one? | ||
| I go, fuck yeah. | ||
| So he sent me one. | ||
| Cheeto couldn't be... | ||
| He's the man, dude! | ||
| He could not be cooler. | ||
| Sugar Sean's cool as fuck. | ||
| Yo, I wish they didn't fight and beat the fuck out of each other, but that's just how it has to go. | ||
| And at the end of the day, you've got to admire what Sugar Sean did. | ||
| What he did was masterful. | ||
| Undeniable, dude. | ||
| He fucking... | ||
| He's nasty. | ||
| He's masterful. | ||
| He shared my special. | ||
| He just keeps getting better, man. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's fucking amazing. | ||
| That's fucking amazing. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| You know what meant the world to me? | ||
| The first time I met Sugar Sean, it was a fight you brought me to. | ||
| I was in the back and he was like, I was like, hi, I'm Shane. | ||
| He was like, I know who you are. | ||
| I was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up, dude? | |
| What's up, man? | ||
| It's cool to meet you, man. | ||
| Fighters are some of the coolest fucking people you'll ever meet. | ||
| We went to the fight in Atlanta, this was years ago, with Santino, and Theo was there. | ||
| It was like Elvis showed up. | ||
| Theo was huge in the UFC world, and then Poirier hugged him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, oh god, I'm nervous. | ||
| Well, people in the UFC world, first of all, it's like real similar thinking ones. | ||
| It's very similar. | ||
| A lot of Protect Our Parks fans. | ||
| UFC world. | ||
| Bro, I can't tell you how many bros come up to me like, when's the next one, bro? | ||
| Do I love when you're on the road? | ||
| And they go like, in this last week, like, when's the next one? | ||
| I'm like, coming up, actually. | ||
| I know now! | ||
| Because in this culture, it's weird for dudes to just get together and just be dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're all homos. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| We're not allowed to be dudes. | ||
| It's great, but you can. | ||
| You just have to achieve escape velocity. | ||
| You ever follow bros being bros? | ||
| Instagram? | ||
| No. | ||
| You would love it. | ||
| It's a bunch of guys kicking, like, boulders. | ||
| Like, launch boulders down a cliff. | ||
| And they're like, yeah! | ||
| Or throwing ice on ice, you know? | ||
| Anybody need another scar? | ||
| You good? | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| Dudes being dudes. | ||
| Guys, why is that not okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Women suck! | |
| They're so gay, dude. | ||
| That's similar to a lot of gays. | ||
| They like dick. | ||
| There's a lot of similarities. | ||
| Women are gay. | ||
| In a lot of ways. | ||
| If they weren't girls, they'd be gay. | ||
| You could laugh out at a lot of dumb shit from where you should imagine it was a queen gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If they weren't girls, he'd be like, oh my god. | |
| But I think women like dudes still. | ||
| Women like guys. | ||
| Yeah, which is gay if you're a girl. | ||
| Yeah, it's gay. | ||
| Women are gay as well. | ||
| That is gay. | ||
| And they're taking up the ass a lot of them. | ||
| I don't know what fucking sample group you're... | ||
| I'll send you a couple numbers. | ||
| It's out there. | ||
| Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe. | |
| Joe, give me a look. | ||
| Remember that joke? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right, we're talking about fucking... | |
| Slaking on a big brown dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're having fun. | |
| Yeah, girls are gay. | ||
| Imagine being a girl. | ||
| Imagine if all of a sudden you got transported into a girl's body with a dude's mind, but a girl's needs, so you need to get filled. | ||
| You're like, God damn it. | ||
| That's the real quantum leap. | ||
| Where he's like, oh, I'm a woman. | ||
| Oh, I need my dick. | ||
| And you're so straight, but you want cock so bad. | ||
| It's like, I'm not thirsty, but I need to drink. | ||
| I need it. | ||
| Yeah, but then the aftermath is a bitch. | ||
| Well, if you're a dude trapped in a girl's body. | ||
| I guess it wouldn't be that big of a deal. | ||
| You mean being gay? | ||
| Being a lady who gets filled is like, what are we doing after? | ||
| Here's the question. | ||
| If they ever get to a point where it's genetic engineering, Where you can literally become a woman and then go right back to being a dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just a matter of going through a procedure. | ||
| That'd be nice. | ||
| Get a new machine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A pill. | |
| Quick. | ||
| Would you be willing to do it for a couple of days just to see what it feels like? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| No, I'm not kidding. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Wait, for sex? | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| I thought you meant the life experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew. | |
| I thought you meant the life experience. | ||
| I thought you meant the life experience. | ||
| No, I meant the life experience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want straight to getting filled, guys. | ||
| You immediately want to get stuffed. | ||
| You want to get filled. | ||
| I'll be honest. | ||
| Wanting the life experience is gayer than having gay sex. | ||
| Just to see what it's like to live like a bird? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not wanting. | |
| It's like fucking military service. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so gay. | |
| No, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I want to see what it's like to have everyone looking at me for a minute. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would like a vagina for a minute. | ||
| Well, you know how they actually feel pretty good. | ||
| Can you give me a discount on that coffee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is so gay. | |
| Oh, you can? | ||
| Great. | ||
| You know how they have compulsory military service in South Korea and Israel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe try out being a woman for a few days. | ||
| Gotta be a chick. | ||
| Every guy. | ||
| Get some coffee. | ||
| Don't get any of you, chick. | ||
| Oh, this is what they mean when they say that. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It seems nice to have multiple orgasms and getting double-stuffed. | ||
| Also, double-stuffed Oreos! | ||
| Who wouldn't want to be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait. | |
| We're talking about sex again. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Get my ass in my vagina. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Being afraid to drink things that people give you. | ||
| That's gotta be tough. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| For real though. | ||
| But a clit would be great. | ||
| For real though. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Wanting to experience being a woman out of some type of fucking gay ass sympathy of like... | ||
| Not sympathy? | ||
| I wonder how hard it is. | ||
| Not sympathy? | ||
| Not how fun it is. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| Just have fun for a day. | ||
| Free drinks all night. | ||
| Wouldn't be cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll get you free drinks. | |
| I've been asking for a decade. | ||
| I'll give you free drinks. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| But you're going to have to give up that fucking bussy. | ||
| We'll talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Bussy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| You remember that dude that had that fucking video where he was talking about what he did to dudes in jail? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Chris Rock had a bit about it. | ||
| Wait, do you know about... | ||
| Toss salad, man. | ||
| Yeah, make him toss my salad. | ||
| Maple syrup or honey or whatever it was. | ||
| Do you know about SPR.org? | ||
| Who? | ||
| What? | ||
| Do you know about stopprisonrape.org? | ||
| Oh yeah, you told me about this. | ||
| Multiple, like, survivors' poems. | ||
| They have poems? | ||
| Yeah, they have poems. | ||
| Damn, they really knocked a gay right in on them. | ||
| It's pretty dark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty dark. | |
| It's just tails right away. | ||
| God, it's so funny making fun of guys who have been assaulted. | ||
| Yeah, that's tough, man. | ||
| I bet that poetry's good. | ||
| Fuck Robert Frost. | ||
| It rhymes, yeah. | ||
| It for sure rhymes. | ||
| How many prison rapes do people get in trouble for? | ||
| What's the ratio? | ||
| Yeah, that was a very intense video, and making fun of guys that get assaulted in prison does suck. | ||
| How many guys really think your asshole's a pussy, and what's wrong with them? | ||
| I mean, I get it. | ||
| I've gone down on a chick's butt. | ||
| Yeah, we all have. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a chick. | ||
| Not a dude with a fucking bandana around his head. | ||
| It's not a clean butt. | ||
| And a ball bag right in your face. | ||
| You make it decent, but I'm like, how decent? | ||
| It's clean. | ||
| How clean are you making that? | ||
| In a prison shower. | ||
| It's all in the shower. | ||
| It's literally a shit pipe. | ||
| Shit pipe. | ||
| Good band. | ||
| How clean can it be? | ||
| Let's eat off this fucking sewer. | ||
| Alright, let's clean it off. | ||
| A little dusted. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Eat off the sewer pipe. | ||
| Eatin' ass has gone up tenfold since I was a kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eatin' ass has gone up. | |
| Girls did it. | ||
| They had that scene where she bent over the one hot chicken girls and the guy was eating her out. | ||
| You think that's what started it all? | ||
| Shot it up. | ||
| Shot it up. | ||
| It's porno. | ||
| Had nothing to do with porn, right Ari? | ||
| Well, that helped too. | ||
| That's what gave the girls writers the fucking idea. | ||
| You watch girls? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| He watched girls pretending if he had to whisper. | ||
| You watch fucking girls? | ||
| He would be a girl. | ||
| Now, that's the gayest thing. | ||
| We talked about it. | ||
| That's so gay, dude. | ||
| You watch girls? | ||
| That wasn't a bad show. | ||
| That gave it like two years. | ||
| First year was good, second year got like... | ||
| You New York guys are different, dude. | ||
| Me and Joe are Texas guys. | ||
| We're kind of fucking tough and straight. | ||
| We don't watch that show. | ||
| We don't watch that fucking show. | ||
| We watch fucking BattleBots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With Scar Brothers. | ||
| That's a 30-year-old show. | ||
| I watch Rodeo. | ||
| You watch Sons of Anarchy? | ||
| Yeah, I watch a lot of rodeo. | ||
| We watch rodeo on BattleBots, dude. | ||
| You guys are sitting back home in gay-ass Brooklyn watching fucking girls. | ||
| We watch prairie dogs get assassinated on YouTube. | ||
| Yeah, I do watch that. | ||
| Aw, that's sad. | ||
| You have prairie dogs that shoot them with.50 calibers. | ||
| You know what's sad? | ||
| You know what's sad? | ||
| When a fucking beautiful, beautiful horse steps in a prairie dog hole and snaps its leg and you gotta shoot it in the face. | ||
| Fuck prairie dogs. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just say that. | |
| No, prairie dogs are good boys, dude. | ||
| What about a cow? | ||
| What about those landmines? | ||
| I do love cows. | ||
| A beautiful cow that could provide you with many rib bites. | ||
| Cows are so fun. | ||
| Don't they send dogs out in the Middle East to run over landmines? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yes. | ||
| They send fucking people. | ||
| They do that too. | ||
| Oh, that's better. | ||
| They'll let fucking... | ||
| Jews? | ||
| People run across. | ||
| Alright, good. | ||
| Well, we gotta get those landmines out. | ||
| Yeah, we're not going to get those. | ||
| Oh, don't you dare. | ||
| Oh, that was a beaver! | ||
| Let me show that guy. | ||
| Show me that man again. | ||
| Was it a groundhog? | ||
| Oh, you're such an adorable guy. | ||
| Prairie dogs. | ||
| They're so cute. | ||
| At least they're gone. | ||
| You don't see it like the JFK assassination. | ||
| It's just gone. | ||
| Look at these cocks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| I'm talking landmines, J-Mo. | ||
| These aren't landmines? | ||
| These are shooters. | ||
| They don't even eat them? | ||
| Nobody's eating those. | ||
| They just get rid of them because they fuck up the cows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
J-Mo. | |
| What was that? | ||
| Who's already there? | ||
| Is that like Groundhog or a Caddyshack? | ||
| What are we doing here? | ||
| What is it, a Nutria? | ||
| No! | ||
| Those are alright to kill. | ||
| Those are giant. | ||
| We're supposed to kill those, right? | ||
| They ruin the plant life in Louisiana. | ||
| Meanwhile, why is that okay but that's not okay? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| One's cuter. | ||
| You know what's really not okay? | ||
| Squirrels. | ||
| Squirrels are cute. | ||
| They have fluffy tails. | ||
| Squirrels are great guys. | ||
| You know who's great and underrated? | ||
| Possums. | ||
| They're cute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Opossums? | |
| Possums are fun guys. | ||
| They're Irish. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Opossums are disgusting. | ||
| Well, that tail is bad news. | ||
| They look bad. | ||
| What's the difference between a possum and an opossum? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Just possum. | ||
| It's like a cult and an occult. | ||
| They look bad. | ||
| Occult? | ||
| I got it. | ||
| That's a thing, right? | ||
| Occult? | ||
| Occult. | ||
| Possum looks occult. | ||
| Like satanic shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Devil worshiping. | ||
| See if you can get some zebras running across a minefield. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, just unleash Jamie into the darkest stuff. | ||
| Wait till you see these guys clearing out minefields with just animals they found. | ||
| Bring it on. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| Yeah, zebras? | ||
| Whatever they got their hands on, though. | ||
| They just send them through minefields. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Watch them detonate, yeah. | ||
| Jew tunnel. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Did you say Jew-tah? | ||
| Jew tunnel. | ||
| Jew tunnel. | ||
| I said Jew talk. | ||
| I was trying to make a Utah connection. | ||
| I was like, I am not. | ||
| We've got to make a Jew turn. | ||
| Well, Jew tunnels equally is nonsensical. | ||
| It has nothing to do with zebras crossing a minefield. | ||
| Jew tunnel. | ||
| You gotta sit there and go, what the fuck does that mean? | ||
| What does that mean even though? | ||
| Hey, have we shamed you out of using the stack of notes? | ||
| No, he's still got them. | ||
| Let's see how big it is. | ||
| Well, I cut it down. | ||
| It's at Colm's new joke night last night. | ||
| He has it ready. | ||
| You cut it down in order to avoid back pain? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the amount of shit I get on the road for this thing. | ||
| Because of this show? | ||
| Thanks to this pod, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| It's gotten worse! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's gotten far worse. | |
| It's still there! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so much bigger. | |
| That's way less. | ||
| It's so much bigger. | ||
| You don't even have that many jokes! | ||
| 40% is smaller. | ||
| Did you write down every joke multiple times? | ||
| Don't fuck up the order. | ||
| Alright, because that top one is all my new shit. | ||
| Can I see it? | ||
| This is literally insane. | ||
| He does always have new. | ||
| This is like right up there with the writing in the movie 7. In fairness, he's always got new. | ||
| Don't fuck with the notes. | ||
| I won't, I promise. | ||
| That top one, just keep the top one abreast. | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| I like the writing. | ||
| Try reading that. | ||
| That's my new shit. | ||
| I need that. | ||
| I won't read it. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| You can read it. | ||
| I just don't want you to ruin it. | ||
| That's a good 12 minutes right there. | ||
| They killed last night. | ||
| Crushed it last night at the creek. | ||
| It's a very effective method. | ||
| Mark, you're a great comic. | ||
| All right. | ||
| This is still odd. | ||
| Take it easy. | ||
| You're one of my favorite comics to watch. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Every time you go on, I go, I gotta see what he's got. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why are you being nasty? | ||
| Well, you're being nasty. | ||
| No, I'm being honest. | ||
| You're being nasty. | ||
| Piece of shit. | ||
| Aggressively complimentary. | ||
| Norman, that's weird. | ||
| Norman, that's a fact. | ||
| You got maps? | ||
| Well, that was a... | ||
| I needed something to write on. | ||
| You wrote it on a map? | ||
| Well, that's what they give you at the hotel. | ||
| You know you have a phone, right? | ||
| Dude, you've got the shining, bro. | ||
| I don't like the typing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love the farts, queef. | |
| That queef bit kills. | ||
| Dude, if you do mass murder, these notes are going to be evidence. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| A lot of this is working. | ||
| It just says farts, queef. | ||
| If you ever try to apply for a visa to another country, they're going to go, let me see the notes. | ||
| New page is good. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Get a book. | ||
| Pegging. | ||
| Yeah, have it organized. | ||
| Why don't you have one of them little books? | ||
| What book? | ||
| A notebook. | ||
| It's called a notebook. | ||
| What are those little tiny books? | ||
| Yeah, a moleskin. | ||
| Get a moleskin. | ||
| Nah, it's too hard on the back. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| You literally have a football in your pocket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I've been told that before. | ||
| Football was a bad reference. | ||
| That's all I had. | ||
| I was looking for catcher's mitt. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| That's better. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Crying orgasm is killing. | ||
| You have a baseball in your pocket. | ||
| Soder has that one. | ||
| What? | ||
| You gotta watch that. | ||
| Crying orgasm. | ||
| Oh, he's got a bit on that? | ||
| His new shit, I did a... | ||
| He did the mothership last week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I opened... | ||
| He just put out a special, and he's got a new 40-something. | ||
| Soder's... | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| Soder's the most underrated. | ||
| He's so good on a podcast. | ||
| He's in the top 20 of that, at least. | ||
| What do you mean top 20? | ||
| Of that. | ||
| He's in the top 20 of comics. | ||
| Of underrated. | ||
| No, he's in the top 20 of comics. | ||
| I'm saying easily he's underrated. | ||
| We're going to make awards again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's underrated. | ||
| People don't give him his respect. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| I think he went to the acting road and all this shit, maybe, and then... | ||
| No, he's finding his lane. | ||
| This is what it is. | ||
| He's coming into his own right now. | ||
| So does... | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| This guy's just like... | ||
| Yeah, he rules. | ||
| Everybody's like, oh my god, they're so good. | ||
| It was you, Shane. | ||
| It was you. | ||
| It was like, oh my god, this guy's so good. | ||
| And then the whole world knows. | ||
| Sodor is the best. | ||
| It's gonna happen with him. | ||
| Yeah, but it's it's a weird process and you just gotta like kind of just keep grinding. | ||
| Well, I think you gotta put it on the internet. | ||
| Like you put a YouTube special out and everybody's like, oh, he's a Jew. | ||
| Like Ari with Jew. | ||
| When Ari with Jew, when that popped out, everybody's like, oh, okay. | ||
| He's a fucking legit comic. | ||
| The special. | ||
| The special. | ||
| It's called Jew. | ||
| Sodor's on the road. | ||
| It's on YouTube right now. | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| One month old right now. | ||
| Got a million views. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's kind of nice because there's so much YouTube shit and the cream rises. | ||
| It's also like the community. | ||
| If we say he's awesome, we're not lying. | ||
| No. | ||
| We're not going to lie. | ||
| If someone's good, he's pretty good. | ||
| He's working on it. | ||
| He's got potential. | ||
| He's got something. | ||
| But when you get to that soda level, you go, yeah, this guy's fucking super legit. | ||
| Go see him. | ||
| He came to the club. | ||
| He murdered the whole weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He only murders. | |
| Everybody was talking about it. | ||
| He always murders since the day I met him. | ||
| And he's so nice. | ||
| I've never seen him not kill. | ||
| Likeable, fun dude. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| We didn't kill Tony together. | ||
| Someone mentioned Cat Williams. | ||
| He just goes into a Cat Williams. | ||
| He got a standing O at some point. | ||
| And he opened the podcast with a Cat Williams impression. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| He's like, I listened. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And then you're like, I can write a joke, but I can't do any of these. | ||
| So he can do the impressions and the impressions. | ||
| He's thinking about drones are only fun in the United States. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| It's an awesome time for comedy. | ||
| There's so many good guys coming up. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| And you read the comments. | ||
| We were like, I can't believe it. | ||
| I got Kill Tony on YouTube. | ||
| Then you got my favorite podcast. | ||
| Then you got my favorite comedian doing a new special. | ||
| Everybody likes what they like. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's a great time. | ||
| Yeah, quick complaining. | ||
| They can find out about so much stuff. | ||
| There's so much stuff that's available to see now. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But people are getting spoiled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, hey, that went on Patreon, you fucking cum guzzler. | |
| I can't give everything away yet. | ||
| You're just reading comments. | ||
| Most people are really happy. | ||
| The overall thing is like, wow, what a fun time to be a comedy fan. | ||
| It is. | ||
| New stuff all the time. | ||
| If I was a kid like I was when I was listening to Richard Pryor tapes from my girlfriend when I was like 16. Everybody loved that shit. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| All the ideas like, oh, college kids or whatever. | ||
| No, they're all like Adam Sandler. | ||
| They're always the generally fun fans. | ||
| We have a Dave Attell special coming out in a week. | ||
| He's on the podcast Friday. | ||
| It's going to be crazy. | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| It rules. | ||
| It rules. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| He's another one. | ||
| He's so underappreciated. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| Top 20 of underrated. | ||
| It's a weird plus minus. | ||
| Well, you know what it is? | ||
| Putting Soder in the top 20 underrated comics is... | ||
| You're saying leave him out of the top 20? | ||
| No, I'm saying... | ||
| I'm saying no matter what the argument is, he's in there. | ||
| He's a great comic. | ||
| Guys like Earthquake and Scruncho and Soda. | ||
| Why are we rating? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're all great. | |
| You're saying underrated versus talent. | ||
| This is how dumb men are. | ||
| When I say top 20, I mean it goes, don't even talk about it anymore. | ||
| He's in this range of whatever. | ||
| The point is, he's great and he's underrated. | ||
| I think he's trying to cover up for his bullshit. | ||
| I think Soda is number one. | ||
| No, I'm saying when you talk about Louis, you're like, top 20 of all time. | ||
| It doesn't matter what kind of comedy you're into. | ||
| He's in there. | ||
| Let's move on to the next thing. | ||
| We got a David Tell special coming out. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| The problem is, dudes are so gross, we have to argue even though shit we agree on. | ||
| I'm with Ari. | ||
| David Tell is top 20 underrated comics. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what you said. | ||
| He's top 10 comedians. | ||
| I know, but I'm saying also underrated. | ||
| I'm saying people don't give him his due. | ||
| He is underrated. | ||
| But do you understand what I'm saying? | ||
| Can we just say he's awesome? | ||
| Can we just not argue like a bunch of fucking queens? | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I also agree. | ||
| I didn't start the argument. | ||
| You're the one who's a queen. | ||
| You're the one acting queenie. | ||
| You guys are a bad neighborhood back alley queens with knee scabs arguing over stupid shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We all agree. | |
| It's fun. | ||
| Most underrated is a fun argument. | ||
| Of any sport, of any whatever. | ||
| Then you go to who's best versus ratings. | ||
| It's a fun argument. | ||
| Who's the most underrated football player? | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's a fun argument. | ||
| Who's the most underrated fighter, Ari? | ||
| Chris Brown. | ||
| Ben Henderson. | ||
| Dan Henderson? | ||
| Benson. | ||
| Benson Henderson. | ||
| Yeah, because he was great and maybe... | ||
| The most wins versus whatever dominate his division. | ||
| People don't give him his respect. | ||
| That's the formula I'm talking about. | ||
| It's a fun argument. | ||
| He's more of a pioneer. | ||
| But it's a fun argument. | ||
| Who's the most underrated? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a fun argument. | |
| All time. | ||
| Not appreciated. | ||
| World champion. | ||
| All time. | ||
| Underrated doesn't mean best or worst. | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
| You have to take rating into account. | ||
| That's actually a really good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| That's a real good one. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| One episode of Fighter's Companion. | ||
| Sorry, what was the name? | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Dan Henderson? | ||
| Ben Henserson. | ||
| Ben Henderson. | ||
| Benson Henderson. | ||
| Give me one of those brewskis. | ||
| He was a killer. | ||
| Oh, damn. | ||
| What about Mighty Mouse? | ||
| Benson Henderson, he's a fun fact. | ||
| Mighty Mouse actually is a beast. | ||
| He was one of the greatest ever. | ||
| Agreed. | ||
| Iminari. | ||
| Underrated. | ||
| People don't know about him. | ||
| His stats, his highlight reels are fucking crazy. | ||
| Jason Ellis Skateboarder. | ||
| Underrated. | ||
| Great skateboarder. | ||
| Underrated. | ||
| Horrible skateboarder. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Top 10? | |
| Ellis? | ||
| He was top 10 in his prime. | ||
| I don't know anything about the sport. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| He was not? | ||
| You know more than me. | ||
| No, are you kidding? | ||
| He wasn't like top 10 in his prime. | ||
| Top 10 in skating? | ||
| Street skaters? | ||
| He's got a huge dong, a lot of tattoos. | ||
| No. | ||
| Not now. | ||
| Back then, before fucking Jackass got to him. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You're way off. | ||
| There's so many better skateboarders. | ||
| No offense to him. | ||
| Street skatesboarders of that time? | ||
| No. | ||
| He never can be wrong. | ||
| Have you noticed this? | ||
| I'm saying I'm giving up for you. | ||
| You know more than me with that. | ||
| Shane, do you feel this? | ||
| It's a real flaw. | ||
| You know what he does, which is actually really impressive? | ||
| What? | ||
| Is whenever he is wrong, he goes, wow, I never... | ||
| Congratulations to you. | ||
| I'm gracious. | ||
| He would know more. | ||
| It's a psychotic movement. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I learned something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| You never called it a black power speech. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| You're disgusting. | ||
| I hate you. | ||
| I think you made that black power thing up. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Or you're just not willing to see greatness because you hate black people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| America does rule. | ||
| We're complaining about all types of gay shit. | ||
| What's your guys' favorite shit in America right now, dude? | ||
| My poop yesterday. | ||
| Now we're all sitting around going, yeah, what's the best stuff? | ||
| Let's go positive. | ||
| Cancel culture's bad, man. | ||
| Whenever there's a bunch of people telling you what you can say and what you can do. | ||
| No, that's a noise. | ||
| There's always the coolest thing is the people that go, no. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| And that's what the coolest thing is today. | ||
| And that's like the punk rockers of today, the people that are rebelling against this bizarre system that even like the artists have somehow or another accepted as being the right thing to think and believe and trust. | ||
| Go along with, even though you know you're in a fucking cult. | ||
| And the people that are resisting that, knowing you're going to get labeled a fascist or a Nazi, just because you see what the fuck is going on, people are out of your mind. | ||
| How about leaving everybody the fuck alone? | ||
| Those people are the coolest thing about America. | ||
| Because this is one of the rare places on earth where you could still do that for now without being prosecuted. | ||
| But why do we blow the people who complain the most? | ||
| I feel like they're the biggest voices. | ||
| We don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We spend the most time talking about them. | |
| But only if you pay attention. | ||
| If you don't pay attention to that, it goes away, like radio. | ||
| I know, but when Elvis was shaking his hips, they're like, can you believe it? | ||
| This is appalling. | ||
| This is inappropriate. | ||
| Why are we listening to them still? | ||
| But why would you want to be that guy? | ||
| Why would you want to be that guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is funny. | |
| You're a hater. | ||
| It's funny when you see somebody going, this guy, Jordan missed three shots today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't be on that side. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| Listen, not everybody's going to make it. | ||
| That's the reality. | ||
| If you're all running from wolves, not everybody's going to make it. | ||
| There's going to be a bunch of people that get taken out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the only way that we stay alive. | ||
| It feels like a weird stance to take, like, I'm upset about this, I'm gonna complain about that, and you're like, this is your lot life? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, there is great shit. | |
| Of course, but you're concentrating on the musings of more. | ||
| But we know these people. | ||
| But you're doing it too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Forget that. | ||
| All right, all right. | ||
| What's the great shit out there? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Sodor. | ||
| There's a lot of specials coming out. | ||
| There's a lot of great shit out there. | ||
| This is a great time. | ||
| UFC is great. | ||
| You said it best, Ari. | ||
| You said comedy is awesome right now because it's dangerous. | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| People get so mad and everyone laughs at them walking out angry. | ||
| And it's better. | ||
| The reactions are better. | ||
| You've got to be grateful. | ||
| It rules. | ||
| We should be so grateful. | ||
| It's so popular right now. | ||
| The failures among us are making more. | ||
| I've got to host Saturday Night Live. | ||
| He's not even a model! | ||
| If they didn't fire me, I would have never hosted that motherfucker. | ||
| He would have still just been on there. | ||
| I know, I just get weirded out. | ||
| People we know are angry about stuff that's cool. | ||
| I know, but you want to give them a hug. | ||
| Let's go for a hike. | ||
| People we know, comedians, are like, can you believe you said this and said that? | ||
| I'm like, I'm a comedian. | ||
| I have filtered all those people out of my life. | ||
| I don't want to name names. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about. | ||
| You gotta figure out how to change conversations. | ||
| That's legitimately what everyone has to do is as they talk, talk about that horrible shit, just be like, hey, great weather today, huh? | ||
| Or I don't know, whatever it is. | ||
| What the fuck kind of advice is that? | ||
| Shift conversation away. | ||
| When they go, politics sucks. | ||
| He just wanted to talk. | ||
| Race relations sucks. | ||
| You gotta go, hey, did you see the new development in this? | ||
| I've hung out with you at comedy clubs. | ||
| That's not how you talk. | ||
| That is too interesting. | ||
| Have you had this McAllen? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| With this advice, you should be president. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Bring us all together. | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your advice is so rock solid. | |
| I'm saying, everybody downs you with fucking conversation. | ||
| Talk about the weather, guys. | ||
| Can't you just go with something fun? | ||
| Here, Ari, practice. | ||
| I'll go, hey, you see the genocide going on in Gaza? | ||
| No, but dude, there's a hike up there that is so fucking good. | ||
| You can go up to Masada. | ||
| Not right now. | ||
| Ari, they'll shoot you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a dude. | |
| That's a different side. | ||
| They'll shoot your nose off. | ||
| Negative, negative, positive. | ||
| Bro, they have long range rifles. | ||
| They'll fucking kill you. | ||
| You can still go to Masada. | ||
| There's no doubt if they see you in the crosshairs. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's one of them. | ||
| Dude, I love it. | ||
| As soon as I got back from me, everyone was like, oh, there's a genocide going on there. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know, man. | ||
| It was pretty fucking cool. | ||
| Tea leaf salad's great. | ||
| You at the cool genocide? | ||
| I wasn't at the genocide! | ||
| You guys are nuts! | ||
| No, we're not nuts. | ||
| We're just trying to get you to clarify. | ||
| I'm saying focus on positive shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ignore the genocide. | |
| You guys ruined fucking conversation with talking about genocide. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| What do you mean, shut up about the genocide? | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Let's have fun! | ||
| I agree! | ||
| Let's just ignore all the horrific things that are happening. | ||
| Well, let's focus on the genocide a little bit. | ||
| I think we should focus on the genocide slightly and then have fun once we figure that out. | ||
| Which what? | ||
| Which genocide? | ||
| You want to go down that road? | ||
| How many of the multiple genocides going on right now do you want to focus on? | ||
| What about the Uyghurs? | ||
| Should we focus on that for a while? | ||
| Should we take a break from having a good time with bros and be like, let's focus on genocide? | ||
| You ever in a bar where somebody brings up a fucking genocide? | ||
| It's the lamest conversation, guys. | ||
| No one likes it. | ||
| What I'm saying is, you gotta have a tool ready to go, change the conversation away from fucking dumb shit like genocide and horrible shit like politics and have it come back to some, hey, did you see this new movie? | ||
| Oh, that was great. | ||
| I'm not talking about genocide. | ||
| I'm talking about people annoyed by a word or a joke. | ||
| Same shit. | ||
| When it comes up, you're like, let's shift this conversation. | ||
| Alright, I'll shift. | ||
| The problem is social media, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Adam Schiff. | ||
| Because those people will post it. | ||
| And then they get a bunch of other cucks. | ||
| Pile on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's going to be a vicious clip. | |
| This thing is it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm saying, in real life, don't you think you should have a tool to steer a conversation away from the dogs, anger-inducing stuff? | |
| So I'm saying, as a society, we've got to start having these conversations. | ||
| Let's shift. | ||
| As soon as politics, religion, genocide, any of this dumb shit comes up... | ||
| The negative shit was like, guys, what are we doing? | ||
| That one seems important. | ||
| Sure, sure, sure. | ||
| That's what everybody says about their thing. | ||
| Let's shift. | ||
| You guys ever go on Netanyahu? | ||
| He's going as OnlyFans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ask Jews. | |
| Imagine if he had an OnlyFans. | ||
| God, you hear both sides of this stuff get so fucking downery. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| If we're going back to comics that became... | ||
| Look, I'm not worried about comics that are, like, actually righteous and have, like, a good point. | ||
| It's just the comics that became, like... | ||
| Speakers. | ||
| Like, just CNN Democrat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hardcore. | ||
| You know what they have in common? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You know what they have in common? | ||
| That's insanity. | ||
| Low ticket sales. | ||
| All of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Any time you see somebody start to post a lot about politics, their art goes. | |
| Especially if you're talking about hardcore Democrat politics or other comedians. | ||
| It's almost entirely. | ||
| Well, it's weird. | ||
| They'll get mad even if it's a joke, but they'll try to ruin your life. | ||
| You see people, that's all they talk about, and it becomes like, ugh, you're just not doing jokes. | ||
| You're focusing on external things because you're not happy with the way you're being received. | ||
| Yeah, or it's making you not just write a joke. | ||
| I was going to do a joke about it, but Jimmy Carr did it. | ||
| And it's how, like, if you go on stage and you're like, for real, I didn't mean that. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| They still won't believe you. | ||
| But it's like, you'll not believe my apology, but you'll believe the joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They want to believe it. | ||
| You want to believe the joke? | ||
| That's the weird thing. | ||
| It's a game. | ||
| They're just playing I Got You. | ||
| They're playing I Got You. | ||
| But why? | ||
| This is what you want to do with your life? | ||
| Because it's just a fucking game. | ||
| It's just like playing fucking pickleball. | ||
| It's the same shit. | ||
| It's just they're playing a game. | ||
| They're trying to win. | ||
| If they get you to complain about it, you lost too. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You let them do it. | ||
| Now you're corny. | ||
| You do to a certain extent, but sometimes you can make things seem as foolish as they actually are. | ||
| And if someone else isn't doing it, maybe you should. | ||
| At a certain point, with some arguments, it really depends on how much energy you want to invest in it. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Whether or not you recognize whatever energy you put out on this thing is coming back at you, like times a hundred. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| So you have to figure out what you want to engage with and what you don't. | ||
| Sometimes you should. | ||
| I just get confused by it. | ||
| It's confusing because you're not a fucking idiot. | ||
| If you were a fucking idiot, you'd be diving right in. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Trying to get virtual. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Trying to get people to give you likes. | ||
| It's fools. | ||
| I don't mean to harp on it. | ||
| It is fun to see a comic shitting on another comic, and you look down at the timestamp, and it's like 2.48 a.m., and you're like, all right, you're just drunk. | ||
| You should be DMing a slut, but you're doing this instead. | ||
| You went down a YouTube rabbit hole, and we're all going to die one day. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Daddy's only half sold, and it's Friday night, and you have 150,000 Twitter followers. | ||
| You don't do that when there's an after party. | ||
| What do you care about people who suck? | ||
| Isn't there so much awesome shit to pay attention to? | ||
| I know! | ||
| We got a great time here. | ||
| But the thing is, if people suck in your industry and they're doing better than you, you just have to understand, someone disagrees with you. | ||
| All these people that are going to see that guy, they disagree with you. | ||
| You maybe should think about your delivery. | ||
| You should maybe think about what you are. | ||
| How you are being seen by people other than you. | ||
| Also, you're on the side of everyone's having a good time? | ||
| Or you're against that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You decide that everyone having a good time is bad? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're bad because they don't love your stance. | ||
| Not walking out, let me go fucking do something else. | ||
| You hate good, fun stuff. | ||
| My friend is an agent. | ||
| She's like, so who do you know that's funny? | ||
| Because we're getting back into the funny stuff. | ||
| We're not checking box anymore. | ||
| We're getting back into 500 people? | ||
| What are you getting back into funny? | ||
| You're a comedian agent! | ||
| What a hilarious thing to say! | ||
| But that's a true sentence. | ||
| We're gonna focus on the funny. | ||
| We're going back to funny. | ||
| We're forgetting this and that. | ||
| It's all about funny now. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| JFL used to be buck wild. | ||
| They used to have a naughty show. | ||
| They would show you the best, coolest stuff. | ||
| The people who get Saturday Night Live for the shortest amount of time possible. | ||
| And anyone who could be good, they'd be like, here it is. | ||
| And now it's like, here's a bunch of checkboxes. | ||
| No one bothers going. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But was that a DEI thing? | ||
| Was that a money thing? | ||
| They didn't hold the line. | ||
| All these clubs hold the line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why UFC is the winner. | |
| UFC's the winner. | ||
| Are you going to do well? | ||
| Hold the line. | ||
| And it's, by the way, the most diverse company. | ||
| That's also what comedy does, too. | ||
| Comedy clubs hold the line. | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| They're booking whoever's funny. | ||
| Yeah, that's when they don't. | ||
| It's when they don't hold lines when they don't book. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| They're fucking whoever sells tickets. | ||
| Don't. | ||
| Ari, you're concentrating on comedy clubs and festivals the same way idiots comment on comedy. | ||
| Festivals are gay and dead. | ||
| Gay, yeah. | ||
| But holding the line is funny. | ||
| You've seen clubs go from, like, great bookers to, like, suddenly, like, oh, what happened here? | ||
| Ari, I'm telling you as a guy who owns a club. | ||
| No, the mothership is holding the line. | ||
| But, yeah, but I'm telling you it's not easy to do. | ||
| You have to have extraordinary resources to hold the line. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| That's the reason, because you have to have money to say, fuck you. | ||
| You have to be able to say fuck you. | ||
| He used to have a list of people that would show the lineups to only one woman or less on the lineups. | ||
| And he's like, well, he didn't show yesterday's when there was four women. | ||
| And he'll look back and go, I just, I wish I would have just been funny. | ||
| But he was getting pressure. | ||
| He's getting pressure from people that own the club who are getting pressure from other outside sources. | ||
| And I'm saying, hold the line. | ||
| You'll just do well financially. | ||
| You'll do well comedically. | ||
| Everyone will be happy. | ||
| Just book funny comics. | ||
| You've got to be willing to let it all fall apart. | ||
| If you have a business, and this is the only way you make money, and you have 50 employees, and all of them are dependent upon you to keep the doors open. | ||
| If you have an email campaign or some kind of crazy campaign or protest or something, you run the risk of losing money, and you get scared. | ||
| Most comedy clubs make a little bit more money than it takes to run the place. | ||
| Most comedy clubs. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| They don't do great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So in order to do- So you're saying that Seattle place should ban those people because it's not holding a line? | ||
| What are you, Captain Strawman? | ||
| No, I'm saying hold the line. | ||
| I'm saying hold the line, book funny people, and don't worry about them because they're not real people. | ||
| They're not real people. | ||
| Ari, most do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Great. | ||
| You're concentrating on the few that can't or don't or aren't cowards. | ||
| No, I'm saying hold the line when you have a good club that books good comics. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| And then suddenly they don't hold the line and you're like, oh, you're just booking people who sell tickets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm talking about holding the line, bro. | |
| Well, the craziest non-holding the line is the Canadian place that banned Dave, Louis, and who else? | ||
| Schultz? | ||
| Louis Gomez. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, oh. | |
| Seattle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who else? | |
| Jim Florentine. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| One more person. | ||
| Seattle. | ||
| One more person. | ||
| Dave Smith. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Florentine. | ||
| Oh, you're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Seattle. | ||
| I thought Canadian. | ||
| Because they're behaving like Canadians. | ||
| Yeah, they're not holding the line. | ||
| They're not just like, we're just going to make fun of you. | ||
| You guys do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| But they don't understand that they just Bud Lighted themselves. | ||
| And that's what's going to happen now. | ||
| Hey, Bud Light's great. | ||
| It is great. | ||
| But there was a thing that happened. | ||
| You remember? | ||
| Before you? | ||
| No, no, no, I don't. | ||
| Before you? | ||
| But that's what happens. | ||
| That's what happened to Google when they released that fucking Gemini AI that showed the Founding Fathers as being all black people and all the Nazis were diverse. | ||
| It's not going to work out for you. | ||
| The whole line, just do what's good and don't fall prey to that. | ||
| I understand, but they don't know that. | ||
| They're just trying to stay alive. | ||
| I'm just telling you that comedy club owners, for the most part, are barely making it. | ||
| They're just doing okay. | ||
| They're doing okay, and they have maniacs working for them. | ||
| I have to fucking count on a guy like you, showing up, you're dropping bathtub acid you got from some dude in the parking lot on Friday night. | ||
| I'm telling these comedy clubs, if you actually do want to make a living, don't fall prey to what the fucking bloggers are saying. | ||
| Just book who's funny. | ||
| Just book the good comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| Forget all that. | ||
| You can do that now. | ||
| As a club, when you get a world of shit online, it's scary. | ||
| It's scary, but I'm saying hold the line. | ||
| Don't fall prey to it. | ||
| I know, but they're scared. | ||
| Just book the great comics, and we'll keep coming out in droves. | ||
| If they have good social media and good marketing, that's possible. | ||
| But if they fucked up and they went all Ice House, and they don't have- Yeah, then it sucks. | ||
| Then you have a real problem. | ||
| Ice House did that? | ||
| Well, the Ice House never was good at booking the show. | ||
| I say Ice House not in reference to the new Ice House, but with the old one. | ||
| The old one was like one of the greatest clubs of all time, but like, on so many nights, it'd be like just the worst comedy there. | ||
| It just wasn't good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because they didn't have anybody that was booking it correctly. | ||
| And then you could come in and you could do shows there and it'd be amazing! | ||
| You could book your own shows, put it on your Twitter, it would be amazing! | ||
| But then you come the next night when you didn't do that, you're like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| Because they didn't establish the right social media presence. | ||
| They didn't establish the right email list. | ||
| They didn't have a good booking agent. | ||
| But look what happens to a JFL who doesn't hold it. | ||
| They're gone. | ||
| We'll just book what we think you guys will want. | ||
| And then it's like, actually nobody really wants that in terms of ticket buyers. | ||
| Well, we want to laugh. | ||
| So just fucking stay with what's funny. | ||
| You will be good. | ||
| Well, they're finding out, bro. | ||
| They're finding out. | ||
| But that industry is fueled by Hollywood. | ||
| Just for Laughs was always in bed with Hollywood. | ||
| And it never figured out how to disconnect itself even after Hollywood wasn't valid anymore. | ||
| It should have been just like, this is the best comics that we know of that are alive right now. | ||
| Skankfest. | ||
| Forget all the books. | ||
| Skankfest. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No upscale tickets for fucking industry. | ||
| Not only that, with Skankfest, you can't... | ||
| Shane did bail on that. | ||
| Shane did bail on that. | ||
| But this speaks to what you're saying. | ||
| At Gamefest, you fucking can't get tickets. | ||
| It sells out. | ||
| It's fucking swarmed. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's swarmed. | ||
| Hold the line. | ||
| That's what people want. | ||
| Mike, when you get to my level, you'll bail. | ||
| I'll be there every year. | ||
| Hey, good luck, buddy. | ||
| There's always like, it's Tim, Bill, and Shane on Sunday. | ||
| Everyone's like, I think they might be going. | ||
| One day, I'll bail. | ||
| One day, when you get to me, you can bail, bud. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| I think he's going to hold the line. | ||
| I'm gonna hold the line. | ||
| We'll see. | ||
| Then I'll snort it. | ||
| I actually got sick. | ||
| I'll be there this year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I'll be there every year. | ||
| I actually genuinely got very sick. | ||
| It's a fun time! | ||
| I'm going this year. | ||
| It's a blast. | ||
| It's an important thing for comedy. | ||
| My agent pushed back every year and I'm like, I gotta go. | ||
| You gotta go. | ||
| It's an important thing for comedy because it's a festival made by comics for comics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| It's a wild festival. | ||
| Oh yeah, bong and beer. | ||
| Bong and beer. | ||
| I already had like four of them. | ||
| Nah, bong and beer. | ||
| One more! | ||
| You're talking too much. | ||
| Also, come to Skankfest, Joe. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| Ari is. | ||
| Ari is talking about gay ass shit. | ||
| You guys are fighting about stuff you actually agree with. | ||
| You're talking about gay ass shit, but I'm talking about important shit. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about some Seattle club that fired fucking Lewis. | ||
| They fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Lewis was cool about it. | ||
| Lewis was like, stop attacking this club. | ||
| They do what they want to do. | ||
| I do what I want to do. | ||
| Yeah, that's when you know you won. | ||
| That's the kind of shit you said. | ||
| Yeah, you go, alright, whatever. | ||
| Respect my opponent. | ||
| He's a good man. | ||
| Thanks for showing up. | ||
| Yeah, he went the bigger man on there. | ||
| Which is good of Lewis. | ||
| Easy, big fella. | ||
| There you go, Fatty. | ||
| Chug it down. | ||
| It's cold. | ||
| It was a cold one and he's putting it down, dude. | ||
| Damn, that was fast. | ||
| Damn, Joseph. | ||
| Such a nice feeling. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| If you did that in Iraq, they'd shoot you. | ||
| They'd throw you off a building. | ||
| You'd do that in Iraq? | ||
| From an eagle. | ||
| Yeah, if you try to marry a guy. | ||
| Iraq, if you wear a dress. | ||
| You know what my favorite meme is? | ||
| Don't waste it. | ||
| Gays for Palestine? | ||
| Yeah, gays for Palestine and Palestine for gays. | ||
| Gays for Palestine rules. | ||
| And they still push in there. | ||
| They're still on board with it. | ||
| I swear to God, that's a Jewish Psy-Up, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Russia. | |
| It's Russia and China. | ||
| That's a Psy-Up. | ||
| Yeah, it's all a Psy-Up. | ||
| What's a Psy-Up? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| A psychological operation designed to subvert the people's opinions about things. | ||
| Gaslight you. | ||
| It's a good trick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| China's doing it right now. | ||
| That's why everyone's trans. | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| One school, they found that 50-something percent of the kids identified as LBGTQ or non-binary. | ||
| Just joking around. | ||
| 50 percent? | ||
| Yeah, 50%. | ||
| Jesus, that's way up. | ||
| What are the odds that that's real? | ||
| Well, Dr. Phil. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| I like that Dr. Phil. | ||
| He's a good man. | ||
| He said it best. | ||
| What? | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| But he had a good line. | ||
| Oh, he said, if it's all about equity and equality, why the fuck am I paying $150,000 for this college? | ||
| If it's all going to come out equal in the wash, what am I going to the school for? | ||
| They never do the math on it. | ||
| Which is a good point. | ||
| Well, the thing is, we're entering into a world where AI is going to eliminate most jobs. | ||
| Yep, 30% of jobs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go on. | |
| We have to realize that right now, if you're involved in computer programming, good luck, fuckface. | ||
| I know they told you you're supposed to major in this. | ||
| Good luck, fuckface, if you're studying that. | ||
| But by the way, you can learn from that and go on. | ||
| Jamie, what was your major? | ||
| Walmart. | ||
| The one I got is Recording Arts, but it's bullshit. | ||
| No, Gender Studies. | ||
| Whatever it was. | ||
| Kinesiology. | ||
| That's why you got that girl name, dude. | ||
| Became the number one podcast producer in the world. | ||
| How? | ||
| Just doing different stuff. | ||
| Not humble at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| Is that your business card? | ||
| Yeah, I'm getting a little nasty. | ||
| Leave my Jamie alone. | ||
| He's a good man. | ||
| I love Jamie so much. | ||
| Jamie, how come you don't come to my house anymore? | ||
| He's impotent. | ||
| You've been gone. | ||
| Come hang out with me, man. | ||
| You've been very busy, Shane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Since you've been gone! | |
| I need to bring you that meat thermometer. | ||
| I bought a meat thermometer for you. | ||
| Oh, that's a gay code. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not gay. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's about digital meat. | ||
| Dude, it unlocks meat. | ||
| It unlocks grilling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It unlocks grilling. | ||
| There's no guesswork anymore. | ||
| Can I see that bong? | ||
| Norman needs one. | ||
| It just unlocks it. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm knee deep in whiskey. | ||
| Shut the fuck up and suck on this eagles asshole. | ||
| That's a new cup! | ||
| Nah, you've had that for two hours. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Shut up and suck on this eagles asshole. | ||
| Bring it on, fatty. | ||
| Put it in my ass. | ||
| That's my favorite thing that you call me fatty. | ||
| I like when you call me fatty. | ||
| I like when he calls you fatty. | ||
| I feel a little less pressure. | ||
| I only say it to people who are not fat. | ||
| It's a good thing when you call it to me. | ||
| You said it after my Conan, you're like, good job fatty. | ||
| It's not one of my insecurities. | ||
| I like being short. | ||
| So when you call me fatty, I'm like, that one doesn't even register. | ||
| I don't like when they call you short. | ||
| I never call you short. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| I call you shorty. | ||
| It's a term of endearment. | ||
| You called me fat earlier. | ||
| You fucking piece of shit. | ||
| That was me. | ||
| I said you're a big fat fuck. | ||
| I didn't call you fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He said the amount of fuck you are is fat. | |
| If there's anybody that loves you more than I do, they're related to you. | ||
| I never called you a short little tiny guy. | ||
| But I am. | ||
| So there you go. | ||
| But I don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I love you. | |
| I actually love you, so I don't call you a tiny guy. | ||
| I only said it because it was important for trying to get a laugh. | ||
| No, you were reading a kickboxing book and you were gay. | ||
| I was. | ||
| It's too cold. | ||
| Oh, you didn't finish it? | ||
| Give me that, Marcus. | ||
| Oh, you son of a bitch. | ||
| You have to finish. | ||
| You can't give anybody all the truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't finish it. | |
| I thought I didn't, but I did. | ||
| You can't give people your backwash. | ||
| No, no, that's all clean. | ||
| Bro, you ever see those people that make beer, they make this fermented beverage, and the women spit into it? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, Bourdain told me about it. | ||
| Pull up. | ||
| He went to this place, and they made him drink this shit, and he's like, dude, this lady was spitting in it, and you have to drink it. | ||
| I've had that. | ||
| It was some South American. | ||
| I've had that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've had it? | |
| They spit into it, they bury it, they spit into it again, they give you a bucket, and you're like, how much should I drink? | ||
| Like, as much as it should not be insulting. | ||
| That's not kosher. | ||
| You fucking drink a bucket of fucking... | ||
| Where was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where were you? | |
| Ecuador, the Amazon. | ||
| Oh, that's right, yeah. | ||
| New podcast, you've been tripping out now. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| More stories of this. | ||
| Listen, can I give you advice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mark Norman's on tomorrow. | |
| I actually wanted to talk to you about this. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't think you should have a podcast that's about anything other than everything. | ||
| Yeah, I like to hear about travel. | ||
| Yeah, I hear you. | ||
| But you can always hear about travel. | ||
| Let's do another podcast. | ||
| No, but no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Just Ari Shafir sees the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It doesn't matter if it's travel. | ||
| It doesn't matter if it's fucking some AI dork. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| A shoot-the-shit podcast like this one. | ||
| Yeah, just you. | ||
| Yeah, I hear you. | ||
| Just you. | ||
| But don't limit yourself. | ||
| I hear ya. | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| The thing that always drove me crazy is like, you had to have these themes for every show, and I'm like, but it never stuck on theme when you and I get it. | ||
| The only time it never stuck on theme, you and I reviewed one of my comedy specials. | ||
| One of my earliest, earliest comedy specials. | ||
| That's risky. | ||
| Which one was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| That'd be tough. | ||
| I think it was like my first one. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, usually I did a first one, but that one, because I was on tour with you, was not that one. | ||
| Oh, I think it was Talking Monkeys in Space. | ||
| Talking Monkeys in Space, yeah. | ||
| Was that Denver? | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| It was, uh, no. | ||
| No, Ohio. | ||
| That was Ohio. | ||
| Ohio, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Rocky Mountain High was Denver. | ||
| LH? Yeah, that's a fun one. | ||
| But you had this thing where you would have guys review their comedy. | ||
| And I had not listened to it in fucking 20 years. | ||
| So I forgot about it all. | ||
| I was like, well, this is crazy. | ||
| But... | ||
| That's also okay, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, absolutely. | |
| Like, instead of having this, like, one—this Ari Shafir sees the world. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| You're saying that's all I can do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| But I'm saying that's just one thing. | ||
| Travel podcast. | ||
| You'll be tripping out now. | ||
| Mark Norman's on tomorrow. | ||
| But I'm saying there's lots of other stuff you can do, too. | ||
| Right, like this thing. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You can do this. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Trust me about this model. | ||
| We should go to Spain to discuss Spain. | ||
| We should go to Spain to discuss Spain. | ||
| I would like to discuss Spain in Spain. | ||
| Why don't we bring some equipment and we'll do it in Madrid? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Fatador. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Fatador is funny. | ||
| It wasn't Madrid, though. | ||
| It was outside Madrid. | ||
| There you go, Mark. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| We've been waiting for three hours. | ||
| Fatador! | ||
| But my point is, Ari, you can do all those things together. | ||
| Like, I have MMA podcasts. | ||
| You have more than one thing. | ||
| I think you doing a travel one is alright, though. | ||
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| But it's okay to mush them all together. | ||
| He loves travel. | ||
| Or you do lots of different things. | ||
| I think you should bourdain it. | ||
| I think you should actually do it. | ||
| Kill yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| I do some of those things at foreign places. | ||
| But here's my thing. | ||
| Put it all under one hub. | ||
| Instead of having it all on a bunch of different podcasts, like, I like the travel one, but I don't like the music one, Put it all together. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| High level yoga as well. | ||
| This is the name. | ||
| You've never done it? | ||
| You can't touch your toes? | ||
| This is the name. | ||
| I'll touch my toes right now, dude. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Not bad, not bad. | ||
| Fair enough. | ||
| I stand corrected. | ||
| Ari Shafir. | ||
| You can't touch your toes. | ||
| Ari Shafir sees the world. | ||
| That's your heel. | ||
| You dumbed you. | ||
| Ari Shafir sees the world. | ||
| Dumb Jew, that's a pod. | ||
| Dumb Jew is a pod. | ||
| That's not bad either. | ||
| Especially right now. | ||
| A lot of people click on it just for hate. | ||
| Yes, I agree. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| These dumb Jews. | ||
| You could be like, stand up here. | ||
| Travel podcast, you've been tripping about now. | ||
| Travel podcast is not here. | ||
| This out there, this out there. | ||
| It's all under the umbrella of these guys doing shit. | ||
| I think travel podcast. | ||
| One. | ||
| Put it all together. | ||
| It is all together if you search Ari Shaffir. | ||
| No, one podcast with all those things connected. | ||
| Don't have multiple podcasts. | ||
| We do different things like travel and eat food and do yoga. | ||
| That was my old one. | ||
| Just put them all together. | ||
| Ari Shafir Seize the World. | ||
| You got a lot of content. | ||
| Put it all together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But if you have it, if you call it Ari Shafir Seize the World, it's everything. | |
| It's everything you do. | ||
| It's anything all together, and it's just you. | ||
| That's what you need. | ||
| You don't need a bunch of people downloading. | ||
| I don't want to subscribe to four different fucking podcasts. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, stupid. | ||
| Put it all together. | ||
| My stand-up's not a podcast. | ||
| Whatever the fuck. | ||
| I'm not talking about it. | ||
| He can't lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He can never admit he's wrong. | |
| What? | ||
| He can't admit he's wrong. | ||
| Well, what are you saying? | ||
| Because he has a skeptic tank or whatever. | ||
| Skeptic tank was great. | ||
| Skeptic tank was that. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It's dead. | ||
| But it wasn't that. | ||
| It was themed. | ||
| But it was also Seize the World. | ||
| We did stuff about areas. | ||
| You had a theme. | ||
| I will say, I did your pod, and it's a good idea. | ||
| I did it too. | ||
| But it's all us talking about our bullshit travel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're trash in his pod right now. | |
| I'm just saying. | ||
| No, we're trying to boost it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I missed you. | |
| I missed talking to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're trying to boost it. | |
| I know. | ||
| We also do that. | ||
| You're saying start another podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari Shaffir, Seize the World. | |
| I see you in the top 10 of iTunes right now. | ||
| Can I have an opinion? | ||
| Can I have an opinion? | ||
| Well, obviously not. | ||
| When it comes to podcast advice, maybe you should listen to the guy who might have invented it. | ||
| But what? | ||
| What are you going to say? | ||
| You've been wrong every time you've ever suggested anything when it comes to podcasts. | ||
| You are consistently wrong. | ||
| I have one of the best early new podcasts in the world. | ||
| No, that's so stupid and shitty. | ||
| In 2003? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I think you suck. | ||
| I think you got a little gay-ass Bourdain in you. | ||
| Yeah, I got a Bourdain in me. | ||
| I think if you do the travel pod and you actually incorporate traveling into it, I think that would be wonderful. | ||
| Let me tell you. | ||
| Mark Norman, have you peed yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| Those episodes are coming, Shane. | ||
| I didn't know we were competing. | ||
| I've done them in France. | ||
| I've done them in Romania. | ||
| I've done them in another place. | ||
| I think, let's go to Spain and do yours. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Are you going to go overseas? | ||
| Going overseas, doing them there. | ||
| That's going to be too hard on the pod. | ||
| I do it when I'm out. | ||
| When I'm gone, let's do one Royale. | ||
| And I don't think you have to... | ||
| It doesn't have to be weekly. | ||
| You can just do it when you do it. | ||
| Right now I'm doing bi-weekly. | ||
| You want it twice a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| I think... | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It could be whatever. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Keep doing you. | ||
| I would love to go to Spain. | ||
| You and me fucking hang out and chat. | ||
| Away from Madrid. | ||
| Kiss a little. | ||
| A little in El Norte. | ||
| Where everybody looks down on it. | ||
| What's in that pitcher? | ||
| This? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Coffee? | ||
| Water? | ||
| Yeah, give me some agua. | ||
| I'm going whiskey and beer. | ||
| By the way, you guys are only going beer. | ||
| You're always the most sober, dude. | ||
| I took mushrooms and you didn't? | ||
| You took one block. | ||
| It turns out it wasn't bad. | ||
| I took two blocks and it didn't do anything. | ||
| I knew it! | ||
| I knew I should have taken two right away. | ||
| You're a bad shaman. | ||
| I mean, I'm just trying to warn you with those blocks. | ||
| I feel the half a block. | ||
| But I'm doing whiskey. | ||
| Next special. | ||
| April 26th in Washington, D.C. Let's go. | ||
| Oh, a special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even though I should not devote my time to a podcast, I am also doing a special. | ||
| It's my time. | ||
| I also happen to be a stand-up comic. | ||
| We're both selling horribly in Tennessee, so come see us in Memphis and all that shit. | ||
| Forget Memphis, but on the road. | ||
| Next special, April 26th, AriShavira.com. | ||
| Dang, good for Ari. | ||
| Washington, D.C., Capital Turnaround. | ||
| And now you've got a new one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We both put one out, I don't know, I put one out in September. | ||
| This past year? | ||
| October? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's harder. | ||
| You've got to write new shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And we're working on it. | ||
| So come see us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now that Joe's gone, we can promote. | ||
| So, uh, say hello on the road. | ||
| Also, I think a travel podcast is... | ||
| Obviously! | ||
| It's a fucking great idea! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's crazy! | ||
| But you gotta watch out if you interview fucking Ian Fidance about going to fucking eerie Pennsylvania. | ||
| It's not gonna be that. | ||
| It's all weird, fun places. | ||
| But I will go to Spain with you and do it there instead. | ||
| I would love that. | ||
| Instead of a studio. | ||
| Are you gonna fly to Spain? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll fly you to Spain. | ||
| You know what I'm thinking? | ||
| When we're free, over the summer. | ||
| I'm thinking as soon as I get done with this hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to take like a couple months. | ||
| I think I'm going to... | ||
| This is his dream. | ||
| My real Chappelle Africa is I'm going to go live in Spain for... | ||
| Spain? | ||
| I love Spain, bro. | ||
| I've never been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's... | |
| You've never met a culture that doesn't give a fuck about anything. | ||
| Dude, 2 p.m., let's just drink and eat small foods. | ||
| Dude, I'm talking no one gives a fuck. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Across the board. | ||
| The term siesta. | ||
| Banks are just like, yeah, it's fucking noon. | ||
| We're going to all take a nap. | ||
| A little siesta? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, the siesta is, yeah. | ||
| How long were you there for? | ||
| A year? | ||
| I was there. | ||
| I was only there six months. | ||
| Six months? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, when was this? | ||
| I was there for a year. | ||
| It's coming in an episode of You Be Trippin'. | ||
| You were there for six months? | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| I miss that. | ||
| Spain rules. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Get him, get him! | ||
| Oh, doesn't like black guys. | ||
| Doesn't like part black guys. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| He's shaped like a monkey, but it's still okay. | ||
| It's still okay, man. | ||
| He's a human. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Cut that joke. | ||
| It's about me. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| No, but... | ||
| He's short, but he looks like... | ||
| He's got gorilla hands. | ||
| I'm shaped like a primate. | ||
| You are very primate. | ||
| Not a bad thing. | ||
| You're primate-like. | ||
| It's better than being a stork. | ||
| I wish I had more primate. | ||
| Imagine getting stork fucked? | ||
| You do until it goes sideways. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like that dude came up, William Montgomery? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Came up to you? | ||
| He's like, what was that? | ||
| And you're like, I'll fucking kill you. | ||
| Everyone's got a percentage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I did do that. | |
| Right. | ||
| Well, I actually did. | ||
| Well, you put out a, what do you call it, a cold tank video, and your dong was really popping. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'll tell you this. | ||
| In the cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, Joe. | |
| Don't let that be lost. | ||
| In the cold. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was before I got a pre-cold. | ||
| I don't know if you saw it. | ||
| I don't know if you ever saw it. | ||
| First time we did the cold plunge, me and Matt, we had our podcast that week. | ||
| I was like, bro, I did the cold plunge with Joe. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| And then when you have to get in next and he's standing next to you and his dong's just right like... | ||
| You got a good dong, bro. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You have like an exceptional dong. | ||
| You got a thick one. | ||
| You got a thick one, bro. | ||
| Big dong. | ||
| And you can suck your own dick. | ||
| I can. | ||
| No. | ||
| Which, where was that fear factor up? | ||
| No, it's just, that's a flexibility thing. | ||
| No, it does require a huge dick. | ||
| Just flexibility. | ||
| If you had a one-incher. | ||
| Yeah, you can't suck your own dick. | ||
| But girls can eat their pussies. | ||
| What? | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You have a different algorithm than I do. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You see those girls that are allowed to breastfeed and pull their tits out because they have a fake baby? | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| They found a hack in the system. | ||
| They have a rubber baby and they pull all these big juicy tits and they stick them in the mouth of a rubber baby. | ||
| Yeah, they have giant milky boobs. | ||
| The whiskey bottle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Girls can eat their own pussy. | ||
| Wow, that looks like there's two girls there. | ||
| I don't recommend any of this behavior, but it is possible. | ||
| It has been done. | ||
| I licked my own dick once. | ||
| This is what I'm talking about when someone brings up politics. | ||
| You licked your own dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But there's a giant difference between a dick and a pussy. | |
| What? | ||
| Norman just said he licked his own dick. | ||
| I licked it, but it took a lot of stretching and a lot of yoga and a lot of hours. | ||
| You spit on it. | ||
| You didn't lick it. | ||
| No, I got a lick. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Touch it to your tongue. | ||
| But then I felt weird about it. | ||
| As well you should. | ||
| I watched a dude in a video that a friend sent me. | ||
| I really wish he hadn't. | ||
| But this guy was inverted. | ||
| And he was like pumping into his own mouth and ejaculating. | ||
| And then he pumps into his own mouth again and ejaculates again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Again? | |
| He's a hero. | ||
| If it was a woman, the guy would be a hero. | ||
| If he's really filled with scum Tony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you say that? | |
| Come Tony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| I can't believe I'm a gay man. | ||
| He's the straightest gay guy that's ever existed. | ||
| He's like at the cusp of being... | ||
| He could cross over with any stiff wind. | ||
| Any stiff breeze, that fence blows down. | ||
| And he's in the land of gay. | ||
| I think he's a heterosexual, but if in 35 years he comes out as gay, we'd all be like, oh, I mean, yeah. | ||
| I wouldn't be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tony does so well. | |
| It's stunning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The girls that he dates are so beautiful. | |
| They're so pretty. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Tony has been killing it since the moment I met him, even when he wasn't doing well. | ||
| Tony, again, it's a fucking talent thing. | ||
| Do you have the talent? | ||
| If you have talent, Jeff Ross gets laid. | ||
| No disrespect to Jeff Ross! | ||
| Highest lay-to-eyebrow ratio in comedy. | ||
| Tony, me and Theo, like two days ago I was with Theo and we were talking about Tony and it's so funny, we all do the same thing about Tony where we like, we make fun of him like, that show was, what I just did was unbelievable. | ||
| But we all make fun of him, and then we're all like, for real though, I love Tony. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| The show's amazing. | ||
| He's one of my favorite people on earth. | ||
| But him, personally, every time I see him, I'm like, nice. | ||
| Hey, buddy, nice to see you. | ||
| I love Tony. | ||
| When he hosts Kill Tony, he is the best host of any show that has ever existed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's my position. | ||
| He's a good host. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| But even when you see him, I got Tucker Carlson to kill Tony last night. | ||
| Tucker Carlson had no idea. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| How'd you set it up? | ||
| How'd you set it up? | ||
| This is how I set it up. | ||
| We were all having dinner. | ||
| I'm having dinner with Tucker Carlson and Lex Friedman. | ||
| And we're having steaks and having a good time. | ||
| We were talking about women's rights? | ||
| We were. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| We were talking about wild shit. | ||
| He told me some wild shit that I can't wait to tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't wait to tell you some wild shit. | |
| Please tell me about the war in Ukraine. | ||
| I'm going to tell you some shit that you're going to... | ||
| Dinner? | ||
| You're just going to go, whoa. | ||
| Some Putin shit? | ||
| We have 20 minutes. | ||
| Anyway, I like the guy. | ||
| He's a fun guy. | ||
| When we're done here? | ||
| I'm hanging out with Tucker. | ||
| We're talking about the club. | ||
| He's like, I think it's amazing what you've done here. | ||
| I go, you want to come to the club? | ||
| I go, Kill Tony's on tonight. | ||
| I go, Kill Tony is the foundation. | ||
| It's the bedrock of stand-up comedy in the known universe. | ||
| Does he have any idea what you're talking about? | ||
| No idea. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| So I have to tell him. | ||
| He goes, how much can comedians make doing comedy? | ||
| So I say, Kill Tony sold out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row in an hour. | ||
| In an hour. | ||
| He goes, what? | ||
| I go, really? | ||
| I go, I'm going to take you to Kill Tony right now. | ||
| I'm going to go, let's just go to the club. | ||
| Do you have anything to do tonight? | ||
| He's like, no. | ||
| I go, great. | ||
| So I text Tony. | ||
| I'm on my way with Tucker Carlson. | ||
| Tony texts me back during the show. | ||
| Show's happening. | ||
| It's already going on. | ||
| By the way, at the beginning of the show, before anything, Ashley Judd sings. | ||
| No, Winona. | ||
| Winona. | ||
| Winona. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| Ashley doesn't sing. | ||
| Winona Drudge. | ||
| And Kiltony? | ||
| She sings? | ||
| How did I fuck that up? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I blame Bud Light for my poor man. | ||
| Judd Nelson? | ||
| Bud Light's the best. | ||
| One thing I love about Shane is he's not a sellout. | ||
| When that guy... | ||
| No, it turns out Bud Light's nice, dude. | ||
| Drink responsibly. | ||
| I've been drinking it all night. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| Judd? | ||
| Yeah, she killed him. | ||
| She goes on stage and sings. | ||
| And the audience goes, bananas. | ||
| They don't even know she's coming. | ||
| They go, ladies and gentlemen, Ashley Judd. | ||
| Banana Judd. | ||
| 45 second round of applause, right? | ||
| Anyway, so in the middle of the show, the show's already going on, I text him, I'm coming over with Tucker Carlson. | ||
| Norton's on right now. | ||
| He goes, jump on stage. | ||
| I go, fuck yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So Tucker doesn't know this. | ||
| So I'm in the backstage, right behind the curtain. | ||
| I go, this is the crowd. | ||
| You hear him? | ||
| He goes, this is amazing. | ||
| I go, we're gonna go on stage right now. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| I go, I'm gonna bring you up. | ||
| And so Tony goes, my two favorite people just dropped by, Joe Rogan and Tucker Cousin! | ||
| We go to the curtain, pah! | ||
| Everybody goes nuts. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| Kim Patterson goes, my grandma hates you. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| We saw him afterwards. | ||
| He was like, I called him a fuck-n-word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Tucker Carlson had some zingers. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He had some zingers? | ||
| To surprise him with it. | ||
| It's not just like, I'm going to bring you on stage to a comedy show. | ||
| He had no idea. | ||
| This is a very specific kind of thing. | ||
| By the way, Tony, you can do lots of stuff. | ||
| Don't just do Kill Tony. | ||
| But you just bring him into that environment. | ||
| Wait, what did you just say? | ||
| What the fuck did you just say? | ||
| You giving advice to Tony like I gave advice to you? | ||
| Yes, I'm making fun of you. | ||
| I was like, Tony, don't just do the one thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not make fun of me. | |
| I'm giving you good advice, you fucking dumbass. | ||
| He likes the zen, too, there, Tucker. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| But to bring him into that environment, no idea? | ||
| No idea. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| And so he just goes on stage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The audience goes nuts. | ||
| He sits down. | ||
| He's like, this is incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, this is what we do. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Did he have zingers? | ||
| He had some zingers! | ||
| Did Lucas come in? | ||
| David Lucas? | ||
| No, David's out of town, unfortunately. | ||
| That would have been perfect. | ||
| But William Montgomery murdered. | ||
| William Montgomery murdered. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| William Montgomery is another dude who's just coming into his own right now. | ||
| He's coming into his own. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, I saw it day one. | |
| Listen, I've known that guy forever. | ||
| I saw William day one. | ||
| I've known William. | ||
| I remember you guys. | ||
| I remember we were at the Vulcan. | ||
| He would go on. | ||
| He'd sit backstage. | ||
| You guys would be like, man, you sucked. | ||
| I'd pull him aside and go, bro. | ||
| Well, that's not real. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've known William Montgomery since L.A. I've known him since L.A. I watched it happen. | |
| L.A.? I never said he sucked. | ||
| Not sucked, but like, what the fuck? | ||
| I never said he sucked. | ||
| I tried to get him to ditch his notes. | ||
| You hit me with the David Lucas. | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| All I tried to ever do, which he did, was ditch the notes. | ||
| Ah, yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| William Montgomery. | ||
| He used to go on stage with a notebook. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| And read off the notes. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| You're so menacing. | ||
| I was sitting there going, dude, keep reading the notes. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| I for real was. | ||
| He's so much better though, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Right now he's better. | ||
| I think he's extremely funny. | ||
| He's funny as fuck, dude. | ||
| I saw him at Kill Tony Houston, I think. | ||
| And it was like, you just don't know what you're going into. | ||
| It's just like, are you really mad? | ||
| You know who's a fan of his? | ||
| The Black Keys. | ||
| So I have the Black Keys in the podcast. | ||
| I'm like, we fucking love William Montgomery. | ||
| You want to see him tonight? | ||
| And they're like, fuck yeah. | ||
| So they were coming to the club already. | ||
| By the way, never been to see stand-up. | ||
| Both Dan and Patrick. | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| Dan? | ||
| Dan? | ||
| Not both. | ||
| No way. | ||
| One of them hung out with Schumer. | ||
| But never saw stand-up live Patrick, 100%. | ||
| And he's the big stand-up fan. | ||
| They're both stand-up fans. | ||
| But I don't know if Dan had seen it before, but Patrick 100% told me he had never seen live stand-up until he came to my club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Never seen live stand-up? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| He only watched it on YouTube or on Netflix or whatever. | ||
| So they tell me they're a fan of Williams. | ||
| I go, William, you're going to go up tonight. | ||
| I'm going to have you go up second. | ||
| Because you can't have William go up first because it's too weird. | ||
| People don't know what the fuck is going on. | ||
| So he goes up second and murders all the greatest hits. | ||
| I was in the balcony with the Black Keys while they were dying, watching William Montgomery, and I set it up. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| So what's Tucker doing? | ||
| What does he think after the show? | ||
| Did he like it? | ||
| He was blown away. | ||
| We went to Mitzi's. | ||
| We hung out at Mitzi's. | ||
| He doesn't drink, right? | ||
| He doesn't drink, but he's hanging out with a bunch of fucking drunks. | ||
| Got a lot of hugs. | ||
| There was a lot of sweaty armpits on his shoulder. | ||
| Do you ever see that guy trying to get Tucker Carlson without realizing it's him? | ||
| He's fishing in Central Park. | ||
| And some guy's like, what are you doing here? | ||
| He goes, what do you mean? | ||
| How much longer do we have? | ||
| He was very nice. | ||
| How much time? | ||
| An hour. | ||
| Whatever the fuck we want. | ||
| Go to the bathroom and come back. | ||
| Go whiz, bro. | ||
| But he goes, what are you doing? | ||
| He goes, I'm allowed to fish. | ||
| This podcast is like six hours old. | ||
| It always is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| But this is the craziest one. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| How many hours are we in, Jamie? | ||
| I'm fired up, Jamie. | ||
| Four hours? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Four? | |
| What? | ||
| We could just turn it off and keep going, but we've been doing the same thing. | ||
| We're going to be doing the same thing in an hour in the fucking green room. | ||
| That felt like an hour. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about, bitch. | ||
| The guy's like, why are you filming? | ||
| The guy's like, I'm allowed. | ||
| He goes, I know you're allowed, sir. | ||
| I'm asking you why you're doing it. | ||
| He was so nice. | ||
| He goes, no, it's legal to fish here. | ||
| The guy had no idea who he was filming. | ||
| He just thought he was filming a random... | ||
| But this was a long time ago. | ||
| It was. | ||
| I thought it was like five years ago. | ||
| No, I think this was like early 2000s. | ||
| Well, there's so many narratives. | ||
| He's like, you're allowed to fish in any pond in New York, obviously. | ||
| Everybody's so mean. | ||
| Everybody's bad. | ||
| It's all narrative. | ||
| It's all just like vibes and bullshit. | ||
| He's not a bad guy, man. | ||
| He's not. | ||
| I hung out with the dude. | ||
| He's not a bad guy. | ||
| I met him a couple of times. | ||
| Tour with the dead. | ||
| He's just a guy. | ||
| Went on the road with the dead, followed him around. | ||
| He was a Grateful Deadhead. | ||
| They got the bad idea about all these people. | ||
| He's in the fucking belly of the beast. | ||
| And he recognizes. | ||
| 10 years ago, 2015 or something. | ||
| Okay, 2015. Fly fishing in Central Park. | ||
| What a fucking What a hippie nerd he is. | ||
| And you guys think he's the evil. | ||
| He's a hippie! | ||
| Well, he's a fly fisherman. | ||
| In Central Park! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He lives in Maine. | ||
| He hunts and fishes in Maine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he lives in Florida sometimes. | ||
| He's a good dude, man. | ||
| How you doing, buddy? | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| He's just very odd. | ||
| He's very odd. | ||
| He's the most Canadian-American there is. | ||
| Is he Canadian? | ||
| No, but he's like, how you doing, sir? | ||
| Right. | ||
| He just got that vibe. | ||
| But he's from California. | ||
| Yeah, he's from L.A. He's a nice guy, man. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| It's just like he takes on controversial subjects and becomes a lightning rod for hate. | ||
| If he told me he's never done mushrooms. | ||
| For sure he's done mushrooms. | ||
| He did a lot of coke. | ||
| I'd say, I don't believe you. | ||
| He did a lot of coke, man. | ||
| He talks about it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That was his thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| He's a lightning rod for what? | ||
| Why is it? | ||
| Why do they get a vibe on someone? | ||
| Because he was on Fox News. | ||
| He was challenging them. | ||
| He goes, we shouldn't be at war. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| On Fox News. | ||
| Not in his off time. | ||
| On Fox News. | ||
| What are we doing in this fucking stand? | ||
| RFK's against war. | ||
| Well, the problem is that we all want to classify people as on our tribe or not on our tribe. | ||
| Good or bad. | ||
| Are we in or are we out? | ||
| It's ideological. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's too easy. | |
| It's too dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Minimalist. | |
| And it's people like us, people like you and me, and you as well, that used to be on the left. | ||
| I would consider myself on the left most of my life, until I was in my late 40s, and I was like, what are you guys doing? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Well, they lost the plot. | ||
| The plot was supposed to be free speech, open dialogue, communication, acceptance of all people as long as they're not doing something fucked up to fucking destroy other people's lives. | ||
| I think it's just the militant left is what we're against, so it pushes everyone to the right, but we're like, no, no, you guys are speaking for us suddenly. | ||
| That's where China won. | ||
| They won. | ||
| They empowered that fucking radical, excitable, insane, schizophrenic, fucking SSRI addled left. | ||
| The left that was like the most bonkers of bonkers. | ||
| Shane, put your fucking headphones on. | ||
| TikTok got in there. | ||
| TikTok got in there and fucked us all up. | ||
| My headphones were on the whole time. | ||
| You didn't get any. | ||
| What do you think about this ban on TikTok? | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| We need it. | ||
| Get it out of our society. | ||
| You don't want it, Ari. | ||
| It's garbage. | ||
| Get it out of our society. | ||
| And Instagram. | ||
| And Twitter. | ||
| And Facebook. | ||
| Ban it all. | ||
| Spoken like a true Jew. | ||
| Ban it all. | ||
| Listen, this is the problem. | ||
| You know how to ban it? | ||
| True Jew. | ||
| Because IDF? Because they're exposing what's happening in Palestine? | ||
| Ban it all. | ||
| I'm so drunk, I said two-Jew, I think. | ||
| Two-Jew. | ||
| He's spoken like a two-Jew. | ||
| Ban it all. | ||
| It's a waste of my time. | ||
| I'm a weird officer! | ||
| I don't even... | ||
| Two-Jew's gonna call the Skler brothers. | ||
| I know my rights. | ||
| But no. | ||
| Fire that up. | ||
| Who's getting it next? | ||
| You can't ban anything, Ari. | ||
| I say ban it all. | ||
| Listen, bitch. | ||
| Stay off Twitter. | ||
| I did one. | ||
| Mark, you did one, you cow. | ||
| I did four. | ||
| I did four. | ||
| Ari, don't smoke John McAfee's meth. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Don't go on TikTok. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Obviously, don't ban it. | ||
| But not obviously, you fuck. | ||
| But ban it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You What you said was ban it, you piece of shit. | |
| Yeah, you're a goddamn fascist. | ||
| Any time we can get off the phone is better. | ||
| Ban it all. | ||
| No. | ||
| Ban it all. | ||
| Let people stay on the phone if they're so fucking dumb. | ||
| If they get killed by wolves, they're the slowest motherfuckers at the end of the line. | ||
| Well, there's no wolves. | ||
| Let them get killed by... | ||
| There's wolves, motherfuckers. | ||
| There's Chinese wolves. | ||
| There's Chinese TikTok wolves, and they're trying to make you trans. | ||
| And they know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| And over there, in China, they're doing push-ups and kung-fu, and they're fucking people up. | ||
| Nah, we're gonna fuck them up, bro. | ||
| You ever seen Chinese movies? | ||
| I love Chinese movies. | ||
| Chinese movies where they hire a hotshot American actress who are B-level, and they just have them get the fuck beaten out of them by Chinese super soldiers. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| Yeah, Frank Grillo did a couple of those. | ||
| I've seen the blurry porn. | ||
| No, it's Japanese. | ||
| Oh, is that Japanese? | ||
| Chinese does not blur. | ||
| They don't blur? | ||
| They break out the minors. | ||
| Oh, hey, well, bring it on. | ||
| Just saying. | ||
| Send me a link. | ||
| As long as they're Uyghurs. | ||
| I don't have a... | ||
| But for real, what are they doing? | ||
| When they're 17, it's like, you know they wanted it. | ||
| What are they doing with the Uyghurs? | ||
| Making iPhones? | ||
| Do you want an iPhone or not? | ||
| No one cares about the Uyghurs. | ||
| Shut the fuck up or buy a Samsung. | ||
| The Muslims are getting killed. | ||
| They're slavery right now. | ||
| You know you can't even buy a Fairphone in America? | ||
| You can't. | ||
| I got high the other day and I decided I'm gonna go full eco. | ||
| You can't even do it. | ||
| You can't buy a Fairphone in America. | ||
| What's a Fairphone? | ||
| A $700 phone with no slavery. | ||
| It's a phone that is like sustainably sourced materials. | ||
| No, it's not expensive. | ||
| It'd be a couple hundred dollars more. | ||
| You can replace the battery. | ||
| It's modular. | ||
| Let's do regular ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're doing good. | |
| Ari, you cocksucker. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| We're talking about Fairphones. | ||
| Yeah, why can't you buy one? | ||
| You can, but you can only buy it if you live in another country. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy, right? | ||
| All these labels here, you can't buy a Fairphone. | ||
| I don't know what the deal is, but in America, you can't buy this phone called a Fairphone. | ||
| And the Fairphone is a phone that's sustainably sourced. | ||
| They get all their cobalt through ethical mining, allegedly. | ||
| I don't know what's real. | ||
| But you can pop off the back, remove the battery, you can take every single piece of it as modular, it can be replaced. | ||
| Yeah, why don't they have those? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| They have it in another country. | ||
| It should be readily available here for all the liberals who are like... | ||
| Yeah, you're literally tweeting on a phone that's made by slaves. | ||
| Most of the virtual signaling, if you get to the... | ||
| Siddharth Kara, who wrote this book, and he did a lot of investigative journalism on the Congo, talking about cobalt mining. | ||
| Tiny Asian hands. | ||
| No, it's Africans. | ||
| If you get to the end of the cobalt mining, it's fucking people pulling out minerals with rocks, sticks and shit, pulling shit out, and they're getting toxic fumes. | ||
| Yeah, but Trump's mean sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me a beer. | |
| I'm trying to get more Americans. | ||
| Yeah, which one of you guys is going to vote for Donald Trump? | ||
| Which one of us isn't? | ||
| I don't vote, but I'm in whatever you guys decide as a country. | ||
| I like that RFK. You're going to vote for RFK? He seems fun. | ||
| Over Trump? | ||
| I'm going to vote for Donald Trump. | ||
| Donald Duck, as always. | ||
| So if you had to vote for Trump or Biden, who are you voting for? | ||
| Well, I voted for Biden last time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I did, yeah. | ||
| That's so gay. | ||
| I was mad about the comedy stuff. | ||
| That makes it worse. | ||
| You don't think it's going to kick up again? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You just bong another one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You might be my king. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Silently. | |
| I didn't want to do this, but this is just to honor you. | ||
| I didn't want any fanfare. | ||
| I just want to do that for the love of the game. | ||
| I did a bunch of them secretly. | ||
| That's how I do it. | ||
| For the love of the game. | ||
| It's good to see. | ||
| I honor you with this. | ||
| I'm all about the love of the game. | ||
| Show the honor. | ||
| Can I just say, if you vote, you're a fucking dork. | ||
| Get out of the system. | ||
| You're a fucking dork. | ||
| I like what you're saying. | ||
| Ban TikTok and no voting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good call. | |
| There you go. | ||
| I like Elizabeth Warren. | ||
| Ramp up the Patriot Act, Ari. | ||
| Let's make it even more hardcore. | ||
| And definitely start your travel podcast. | ||
| You just collected that can and put it in your thing. | ||
| That was the first one. | ||
| That was the first one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how you were even close. | |
| It was the first one. | ||
| I was hoping you didn't see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari. | |
| You did? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Definitely start your travel podcast when you can't fucking travel anymore because you signed up for a ban on TikTok. | ||
| You signed up for a centralized digital currency. | ||
| You took the vaccine. | ||
| I'm going to Cuba. | ||
| You did everything! | ||
| Oh, great! | ||
| Communist! | ||
| Because I want more bananas! | ||
| Go plant bananas, you fucking bitch! | ||
| Do you think we did bananas? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Plantains! | ||
| Plantains? | ||
| I need fried Cuban food. | ||
| Jamie, wake up! | ||
| Jamie, play the fucking thing. | ||
| We're already banned on YouTube. | ||
| Just play it. | ||
| Jamie, will you bong a couple? | ||
| Can you do some extracurricular offshore work? | ||
| Is there a cover of America Fuck Yeah We Can Play? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jimmy Wayne from America! | |
| America! America! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come and save the motherfucking day! | |
| America! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Freedom is the only way! | ||
| Well, I'm on here! | ||
| Dick and lick all my balls! | ||
| Dude, I can't believe people think we're dumb. | ||
| Is it suck my ass? | ||
| Well, listen, let's be real. | ||
| They're right. | ||
| If you're right now doing a lot of string theory work on a yellow legal pad, you're right. | ||
| I was before this podcast. | ||
| We're dumb. | ||
| We're dumb. | ||
| If you get on stage tonight, you're dumb. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you try to get on stage after fucking Ari Shafir, you're dumb. | ||
| You don't know what you're doing. | ||
| The same thing. | ||
| Wait, we are getting on stage tonight. | ||
| Yeah, but you, but if you're a string theorist, if you're a string theorist and thinks everybody is fucking stupid because they don't understand your nonsense, you write on a chalkboard with squiggly lines and N's and A's. | ||
| Who was that academic guy who said stand-up's easy because you have a captive audience and they're all drinking? | ||
| A Democrat said that? | ||
| Like an academic. | ||
| Goddammit, I'm going to find you. | ||
| Guarantee it was a Democrat. | ||
| No, it was some academic. | ||
| It was stand-up is easy. | ||
| It was one of those high-level academic names you know. | ||
| Stand-up is easy, it's a captive audience, and you're all drinking. | ||
| So it's obviously easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I want to bring you to the stand for three shows in a row. | ||
| How about bringing you to the mothership? | ||
| Go on after Shane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good luck, fuckface. | ||
| Good luck, fuckface. | ||
| Gang, gang. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| Who said that? | ||
| But everyone's stupid if you don't know. | ||
| It's like Malcolm Gladwell, one of those kind of guys. | ||
| They're all silly. | ||
| Malcolm Gladwell would never say that, dude. | ||
| Jamie, you've got to find this for me. | ||
| Malcolm is a sweet guy. | ||
| I've had him on the podcast. | ||
| I can kill him in a small room in a minimal amount of time. | ||
| Is he the British gay guy? | ||
| Malcolm would eat hot dog shit if he went after Shane. | ||
| Brian Simpson's got a new Netflix special. | ||
| Simpsons out now. | ||
| Live at the Mothership. | ||
| Available right now. | ||
| Go on after Brian Simpson, Malcolm Gladwell, or stop talking shit. | ||
| Wait, that's him? | ||
| That's why stand-up is easy. | ||
| Dude, I'm uncomfortable that I remembered this. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure he said this in jest, in good faith. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think he said... | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Maybe I'm getting caught up in the headlines. | ||
| I've had Malcolm on the podcast. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| Doesn't mean he doesn't stand up. | ||
| ...is dealing with people in a tightly controlled setting... | ||
| ...with a rich set of expectations governing their behavior... | ||
|
unidentified
|
This one's making fun of us. | |
| you know and create an expectation that laughter is the appropriate response to what they're doing. | ||
| I cannot imagine a better set of circumstances, an easier set of circumstances for navigating a sort of situation than those. | ||
| That's one of the best. | ||
| That's one of the best, dude. | ||
| Bro, in 1989, Greg Fitzsimmons got attacked on stage at Stitch's Comedy Club. | ||
| In 89. This guy jumps on stage Fitzsimmons and him get into a fucking Donnybrook. | ||
| They're fucking brawling in the middle of this comedy club in 1989 in Boston. | ||
| The security guards jump on stage. | ||
| They tackle this guy. | ||
| Fitzsimmons and this guy are fucking duking it out. | ||
| Fitzsimmons, the guy goes into the audience. | ||
| They arrest him. | ||
| They take him out of there. | ||
| Fitzsimmons goes... | ||
| Anybody else want some of this? | ||
| Imagine being an audience member and going, here's some short, pale guy. | ||
| I can take him. | ||
| And you're like, you chose Greg Fitzsimmons? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You idiot. | |
| All he does is fight. | ||
| He fights people that get him in trouble socially. | ||
| He's an Irish guy. | ||
| He's an Irish. | ||
| I've been friends with Greg. | ||
| Greg and I started out one week apart from each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Great egg. | ||
| He's a fucking awesome human being. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| But I I mean, this is like 89. This is like before Greg was Greg. | ||
| Before he was the Emmy Award winner, all that bullshit. | ||
| Well, that makes you softer. | ||
| Yeah, but he's like, he's still the same dude. | ||
| He still goes hard. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He still goes hard. | ||
| He still goes hard. | ||
| Angry Irishman. | ||
| I try to get him to move here. | ||
| I'm like, it's goddamn... | ||
| Nah, he's got a life. | ||
| He's got a life. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I got a life, too! | ||
| He has a golf course right next to him. | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| There's golf courses out here that aren't filled with... | ||
| Liberals! | ||
| Liberals! | ||
| Give one to Mark. | ||
| Mark's over there. | ||
| You still have the same one. | ||
| Mark pours whiskey. | ||
| He takes that much whiskey and pours water into it. | ||
| Mark's basically a beer. | ||
| But you guys haven't had any whiskey. | ||
| Hold on, can I say this? | ||
| I have a lot. | ||
| I've got the bottle right here. | ||
| I saw Joe drink three different glasses. | ||
| Joe saw me drink five. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no way I'm driving anywhere tonight. | |
| I'll drive. | ||
| I have to go on at the end of all of you fucking imbeciles. | ||
| Can I say this? | ||
| Joe's got over the improv tonight. | ||
| We've done this. | ||
| Now this is the 11th time. | ||
| And I took mushrooms. | ||
| I want to open up an improv here just for a flex. | ||
| Joe, give me one second. | ||
| Is it the same where I will let Adam Carolla keep the number one podcast in the world on Guinness Book of World Records? | ||
| Joe, they've had a comedy festival in town and Joe was doing his own festival three days in a row at his club. | ||
| It's a flex! | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| It's a flex! | ||
| Let me get one timeout. | ||
| Okay, Shane, timeout. | ||
| Timeout. | ||
| SNL timeout. | ||
| Jihad! | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| So this is the 11th? | ||
| The eleventh one. | ||
| Fourteenth. | ||
| So far, we've all died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The one person who has always never died. | ||
| What do you mean, died? | ||
| Mark Norman. | ||
| No, listen, we gotta keep him right where he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I died. | |
| Joe died. | ||
| He knows where he's doing. | ||
| What do you mean, keep him where he is? | ||
| We've all died. | ||
| We all need our certain place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Barf. | |
| Barf. | ||
| Well, you've died. | ||
| But listen, we need our certain place in the world. | ||
| Every single one of these, we all die. | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| You're the one who doesn't die. | ||
| I don't have those quips inside of me. | ||
| Let him be functional. | ||
| He puked on the table. | ||
| Leave him alone! | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| I think it's too late for this one, but Mark, you gotta catch up, bro. | ||
| You gotta catch up. | ||
| Every time you go, you gotta catch up. | ||
| He goes, I was drinking whiskey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You had two sips, coward. | |
| You're the guy who chugs and we use it out. | ||
| We're all dying. | ||
| And I took shrooms. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| We are approaching five hours into a podcast that can change the election. | ||
| Trump! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trump! | |
| Shout out to Truman! | ||
| Truman, everybody! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think, McGovern, I think we need to... | |
| We need to respect our position in this cultural world. | ||
| I don't respect it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate it. | |
| But you do. | ||
| You do, and that's why I respect you. | ||
| Mark, call it strong for next time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Call it. | |
| What do you want from me? | ||
| I never turn down a bong head. | ||
| Give me bong. | ||
| This is what I want from you. | ||
| Bring on the bong! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is what I want from you, Mark. | |
| That's nothing! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those are water! | |
| He's been counting mine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, fuck off. | |
| They're all full of refuse also. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Shane only has two. | ||
| Something is amiss. | ||
| Dylan Mulvaney drank more than that. | ||
| You've been stealing his empties, you fucking idiot. | ||
| I don't want it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you son of a bitch! | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Obviously Shane drinks more than me. | ||
| I'm drinking responsibly. | ||
| Drink Bodega Cup. | ||
| America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America. | |
| America! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Coming again! | ||
| It's a motherfucking day! | ||
| Yeah, America! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They suck all my balls! | |
| Obesity! | ||
| Ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie's back! | |
| We're back! | ||
| Jamie, don't be afraid. | ||
| Jamie, have a YouTube version. | ||
| I know it's more work, but it's 20 extra minutes. | ||
| AI will do it for you. | ||
| Alright guys, now it's time to talk turkey. | ||
| Let's talk about the economy. | ||
| Let's talk about Supreme Court, and civil liberties, and Wow, that smash and grab is out of control. | ||
| And TikTok bands! | ||
| Yo, did you watch the State of the Union? | ||
| Any of you guys watch that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I watched it. | |
| It was nutty. | ||
| I watched it with my dick in my hand. | ||
| I was doing bodyweight squats. | ||
| It's kind of sad to watch. | ||
| Well, they hit Biden with some good chemicals. | ||
| The whole gang was on the same page. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| You get on that Biden cocktail. | ||
| Oh, I'd love to get that cocktail. | ||
| It's got to be better than the Kennedy cocktail. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The Biden cocktail's got to be like Days From Death cocktail. | ||
| Well, you know what's got to be tough? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, can't you have one less stroke per day? | |
| Bandit, buddy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bandit, you can't be this cute. | |
| You cannot be this cute, Bandit. | ||
| Come on, Bandit. | ||
| It's unfair to be this cute. | ||
| You know what's unfair is the Viagra. | ||
| Old people just had to suck it up and not get a boner. | ||
| And now, kids today are doing Viagra at, like, 21. Yeah, back in the day, you had a rope around the base of your balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You risk blacking out. | ||
| Pull it up like a bull. | ||
| You're, like, pulling on it. | ||
| Remember those nights you couldn't get it up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro, the day they figured out Viagra was like the day they figured out the internet. | |
| Like, everything has changed! | ||
| Everything's changed. | ||
| The game has moved on! | ||
| The game has moved on. | ||
| 80-year-olds are fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucking Rupert Murdoch! | |
| Rolling Stones is having kids. | ||
| Rupert Murdoch! | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| 92! | ||
| That changed everything. | ||
| Having a butter is nice. | ||
| Why don't you pee through that goddamn whiskey bottle, you fucking savage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, Joe. | |
| I accept your fucking critique. | ||
| Squeeze that dick off like a fucking... | ||
| You're being fair? | ||
| Squeeze that dick off like a garden hose in the 70s. | ||
| You're going to fill that bottle up, aren't you? | ||
| I would have if I started it from scratch. | ||
| Joe, you're being fair and I apologize. | ||
| I can't believe you're doing what you're doing. | ||
| I should have just pissed in the bottle. | ||
| I wish you did it in the hallway, but it's okay. | ||
| Well, that was the original, like, one more? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I ask a question? | |
| Do we ever show you fucking barfing like a fucking baby? | ||
| I have the video. | ||
| How's babies barf? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like you? | |
| How do adults barf? | ||
| How's babies barfing? | ||
| Ari's a big expert at babies. | ||
| We never show you barfing like a baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How's babies barfing? | |
| America. | ||
| You got a baby barf. | ||
| How much do you think it would cost to get someone to drink a fucking whiskey bottle filled with your piss? | ||
| A bottle. | ||
| Not a whiskey shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A bottle. | |
| Sell it. | ||
| If you had that dude from Opie and Anthony. | ||
| The gay? | ||
| No, the dude. | ||
| The gay? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Pat Duffy. | ||
| The baby bird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, Pat Duffy. | |
| Pat from Munaki is the guy who threw up. | ||
| That's all piss. | ||
| Imagine, how much money would you ever dick into your Patreon account? | ||
| Well, you've got to hand it to Ari, because you're old, and you're hanging in there. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With what? | |
| You could have retired by now. | ||
| I'm 10 years older than him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, but he's a... | |
| Yeah, but shit's going well. | ||
| His career's been a goddamn train wreck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a piece of garbage. | |
| I have $87 for the bank, Joe. | ||
| I have a happy team. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Younger than Ari? | |
| And you work out currently, regularly. | ||
| He's a mess. | ||
| His life is hell. | ||
| I eat chopped cheese all day for a fucking week. | ||
| But Ari's capable of firing up. | ||
| Me and him went out to the bar last night. | ||
| When we had that sober October fitness challenge, he was the only guy I worried about. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because he's a psycho. | ||
| Also, I will do the thing where I'm like, guys, guys, let's not try, let's not try, let's not try. | ||
| Secretly not try until they discover it. | ||
| You know what I almost did? | ||
| You know what I almost did? | ||
| But I had Aquaries out, getting Michelle Wolf to wear my strap for a fucking... | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But when you said that, when you said that... | |
| And Michelle, to regret it, was like, 100%, I'll be quiet forever for that. | ||
| But when you said that, I was like, Michelle's gonna die. | ||
| I'm going to take Michelle to hell. | ||
| Wow, that's how deep you go. | ||
| I'm going to take everybody to hell. | ||
| Michelle rules. | ||
| There's no doubt. | ||
| Michelle runs. | ||
| I was going to take you all to hell. | ||
| It's just that one fucking hunting trip where you worked out for fucking 18 hours a day for four straight days. | ||
| No, it was the one day that I watched John Wick 50 times in a row. | ||
| And I literally did seven hours of cardio on an elliptical and set off my fire alarm. | ||
| I set off my fire alarm with my body steam. | ||
| Can I say what a motivator spite is that no one's taking advantage of? | ||
| Spite as a motivator to hurt your friends, to work out, to read, do whatever, is so there. | ||
| It wasn't even that. | ||
| Spike? | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| You wanted to be Burt. | ||
| No, you think that was what it was. | ||
| Well, Burt's athletic. | ||
| But it was like, I was feeding that wolf. | ||
| He is, he is. | ||
| He is athletic. | ||
| He's athletic if you look at Division 3 fucking... | ||
| Yeah, he's athletic. | ||
| Gauntlet thrown. | ||
| I was like letting the wolf out of the cage. | ||
| Now what does the wife think? | ||
| She didn't like it. | ||
| She was going to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She didn't want me to do it next year. | |
| I've met Rogan's boyfriend. | ||
| He's not happy when Rogan gets in the cage. | ||
| It's not when I get in the cage. | ||
| It's like, unlock it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That was the problem. | ||
| You're like the Hulk. | ||
| I'm always this. | ||
| The problem is I was like, oh, I forgot this was in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then we were doing that fitness thing. | ||
| I was like, I'm going to kill everybody. | ||
| Because everyone would think it'd be GSP who unlocks it. | ||
| Let's kickbox together. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's the fucking fattest piece of shit alcoholic who fucking gets you the fucking wildest. | ||
| Well, he was just saying he was going to win. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to kill you. | ||
| Yeah, that's the whole thing. | ||
| You're going to die. | ||
| You're going to die. | ||
| I'm going to drag you to where I'm about to die and you're not going to live. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'm gonna make it. | ||
| I'm gonna get, like, let's see what you can do. | ||
| If you can get close, I'm gonna go further. | ||
| I'm like, I'm leaving a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, you're a freak. | ||
| I was drinking electrolyzed all day. | ||
| I was eating nothing but ribeyes. | ||
| It was bizarre. | ||
| We need to protect our parks challenge or we just drink. | ||
| We're just like, don't care. | ||
| This is much easier. | ||
| That's way healthier. | ||
| Yeah, way healthier. | ||
| It's way healthier. | ||
| I don't like that part of me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Competitive. | ||
| I cannot lose. | ||
| It's not a competitive thing. | ||
| It's murderous. | ||
| It's way different than competitive. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It shows IDF. It goes way further. | ||
| Yeah, it's basically like bombing Gaza forever. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, you will not win this. | ||
| There'll be no more. | ||
| I was saying to a friend of mine today, I was like, what Israel's doing in Gaza is like what a fifth grader would do if he said, if you were the president of the world, how would you stop all wars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somebody fuck me, I'll fuck you up 50,000 times more! | |
| I'm gonna bomb hospitals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm gonna bomb nurseries, mosques. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Why are they voting? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't vote. | ||
| You're not going to get caught into this. | ||
| I'm not trying to say you are. | ||
| I don't think you are. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| Listen, that's why there's human beings. | ||
| My side's America. | ||
| I'm not over there. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| The reason why there's human beings still in 2024 is because somewhere along the line, someone decided that the only way to do this is to go full Bhagavad Gita. | ||
| Full I am become death destroyer of worlds. | ||
| I will drop nuclear bombs. | ||
| That's what fucking Oppenheimer said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I will drop nuclear bombs out of airplanes. | |
| I will show you what I'm capable of. | ||
| America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Palestine. | |
| I love when Palestine raped those Thai nationals who are at a music festival. | ||
| That ruled Palestine. | ||
| Thai nationals? | ||
| Yeah, that ruled. | ||
| They're just out at a festival, having a good time. | ||
| Good job, Palestine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Way to rape Thai nationals. | |
| What about the Jews? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about? | |
| For just one second, you go, hey, maybe we shouldn't have raped those Thai nationals. | ||
| Maybe that was an oopsie. | ||
| Did that happen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's other people at the festival. | ||
| Did you see the Thai ladyboys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Four Thai nationals got raped and murdered. | |
| At a 1,200? | ||
| No, no, I'm just saying... | ||
| Wouldn't that an oopsie, Palestine? | ||
| Hey, everybody on that side, couldn't you be like, that was wrong? | ||
| Couldn't you just, for one moment, go, yeah, we shouldn't have raped and murdered those Thai nationals. | ||
| Brother, I think they admit that that was a... | ||
| I think Candace Owens is making a video about you right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show me anywhere. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Show me anywhere they've said that. | ||
| Both sides are fucking retarded. | ||
| Stop killing. | ||
| End of story. | ||
| Jamie, pull up the Thai versus the trans women are going at it. | ||
| Obvious, right? | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| What he just said. | ||
| Say it again. | ||
| Stop killing. | ||
| End of story. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| What about the hostages? | ||
| What about them? | ||
| Hey, guys, I'm having a great day in Austin. | ||
| I'm getting paid way too much to do a comedy clip tonight where I'm too drunk to perform. | ||
| Everything's pretty good in my world. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| You're gonna be fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're doing comedy. | ||
| America. | ||
| America's obviously still number one. | ||
| Did you see the Thai ladyboys are fighting with the trans people? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they're like, hey, you're stealing our thunder. | ||
| I did a bit in my special about ladyboys. | ||
| They're like, that's transphobic. | ||
| I'm like, they're different than you. | ||
| Oh, they're fighting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're going at it. | ||
| It's a news story. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Ladyboys, different category. | ||
| Give it a goog. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Give it a goog. | ||
| It's a real problem. | ||
| J-Mo, also, cheer up, dude. | ||
| You've been a real cocksucker this entire year. | ||
| Cheer up for Brian Simpson. | ||
| His new Netflix special available right now, live at the mothership. | ||
| On Netflix. | ||
| Look great. | ||
| Look great. | ||
| Yeah, what's it called again? | ||
| Comedy is great. | ||
| Live from the Mothership! | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| Or at the Mothership. | ||
| Or at the Mothership. | ||
| Brian Simpson. | ||
| Just put in B-R-I-A. There it is. | ||
| Huge transsexual prostitute brawl. | ||
| This is the Brian Simpson trailer? | ||
| Sees 100 strong ladyboy mob fighting in Bangkok turf war. | ||
| Dude, they'll go nuts on ya. | ||
| I knew this was gonna happen. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| With escorts? | ||
| Well, the ladyboys are fighting with the trans people because that was their thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on a second. | |
| I'm trying to take a good look at these new shabbies. | ||
| Trans prostitutes from the Philippines and Thai ladyboys brawled in Bangkok. | ||
| What are the Philippines doing on the fucking opposite side? | ||
| First of all, they shouldn't be there. | ||
| Where is the live stream? | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Now you understand Gaza. | ||
| Close and throw punches. | ||
| Clambering over each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck are they doing there? | |
| To tear off rivals' clothes and throw punches. | ||
| Well, I mean, this was... | ||
| Because they got kicked out of Jordan. | ||
| We all knew this was coming. | ||
| They had no place to go. | ||
| Here's the video footage. | ||
| Jordan to Egypt, like, ooh, they're gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kick them out. | |
| Look at everyone with their phone out. | ||
| Jews, you deal with them. | ||
| Look at everyone with their phone out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that was nothing. | ||
| That was propaganda. | ||
| It's an Android phone! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Look at that guy. | ||
| He's just laughing. | ||
| He's like, look at this ladyboy. | ||
| He's not laughing, he's just Asian. | ||
| You can only see his eyes. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| Bro, this is wild. | ||
| Oh, look at that! | ||
| Meanwhile, there's three people still wearing masks. | ||
| I'm sorry buddy. | ||
| Look at the mask wearers! | ||
| Well, we all knew that the trans community was gonna butt up against the ladyboy community. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| Ladyboys and trans are not the same thing. | ||
| They're similar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unfortunately, when I was in Thailand, I was with my whole family. | |
| I would have paid a visit to those boys and I would have given them the business. | ||
| I got to look, watch a little kickboxing, keep moving, fish eat, eating your fucking calluses off your feet. | ||
| Jay, Joe, you gotta come on an episode of You Be Chippin' and I'll tell you about some stuff in Thailand that you should have done if you had left your family. | ||
| How about we just do it Ari Shafir Seize the World? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop this fucking bullshit now. | |
| Just trust me. | ||
| I got good instincts. | ||
| Joe has, if you were going to trust anyone when it comes to maybe a podcast being successful, Joe Rogan's a decent guy. | ||
| Joe, what if they've run podcasts, you've done this. | ||
| I've got good instincts. | ||
| By the way, the worst advice I've ever had in the history. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Other than my wife. | |
| One time, my kids, they were going to Disneyland. | ||
| My wife was like, you don't have to do a podcast. | ||
| I'm like, but I do. | ||
| I have to. | ||
| She's like, thank God you didn't listen to me. | ||
| And I was like, I have to. | ||
| I told people I was going to do it. | ||
| But Ari was like, you gotta edit that. | ||
| Gotta be under an hour. | ||
| It makes no sense. | ||
| Who would listen more than an hour? | ||
| Who would listen more than an hour? | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| I know what's wrong. | ||
| But this is what I said. | ||
| I said, so they don't have to listen. | ||
| The most important thing is just do whatever the fuck you want to do. | ||
| Joe? | ||
| I had not considered that. | ||
| And now, the people listening to this show have made it this far. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now they've been to the new stratosphere of us being... | ||
| I'm trying to tell you, Ari Shafir sees the world. | ||
| Ari Shafir, I'm into it. | ||
| What is this drummer? | ||
| It's a cover. | ||
| Jamie just consulted with a lawyer. | ||
| That's what he came up with. | ||
| Jamie, you just ruined our show. | ||
| No, I like this guy. | ||
| It's a cover, but it doesn't matter. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| This guy's mustache rules. | ||
| Hey Shane, how come McCaffrey wouldn't do your fucking thing? | ||
| How come he bitched out about it? | ||
| I'll tell you why. | ||
| How come he bitched out about it? | ||
| Because he didn't want to win the Super Bowl anyway? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Don't ever talk about McCaffrey that way. | ||
| This fucking McCaffrey guy bitched out. | ||
| Wouldn't do Shane's fucking thing. | ||
| Everyone else did it, but one guy who didn't win the Super Bowl didn't do it. | ||
| McCaffrey got too fired up. | ||
| Too fired up. | ||
| When he was scoring a touchdown, he was genuinely... | ||
| He wasn't thinking about anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fair. | |
| I accept that. | ||
| He got too fired up. | ||
| I accept that. | ||
| I accept that. | ||
| All the other bros, when they scored... | ||
| Not as fired up. | ||
| They're more normalized with touchdowns. | ||
| They're fired up. | ||
| But they still remembered. | ||
| McCaffrey's just a white running back, dude. | ||
| That's a different type of man. | ||
| If you're a white running back and you score any touchdown ever in the NFL, you're like... | ||
| That was wild. | ||
| Well, but he's good. | ||
| This guy's good. | ||
| McCaffrey? | ||
| McCaffrey's on another level. | ||
| Yeah, he's the MVP. I don't know what's going on. | ||
| Joe, imagine a football player version of someone hitting like eight rails and then pocketing. | ||
| I mean, he's in good. | ||
| Christian McCaffrey is a white NFL running back. | ||
| Beast. | ||
| He shouldn't be there. | ||
| He's a white NFL running back. | ||
| It's a position that white guys are incapable of playing. | ||
| And a fun guy. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
| He's the best ever. | ||
| Generally, guys like Christian McCaffrey are GMs. | ||
| And he's out of running back. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| The problem is, the initial thing, the problem is, normally if I'm friends with a guy in the NFL, like a superstar, sexual icon like Gabriel Davis, when he scores a touchdown, he'll do... | ||
| Watch this, watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This shade on MSSP... Buffalo Bills. | |
| Is that the one? | ||
| Gabe versus Miami. | ||
| No, you gotta give him the shade thing. | ||
| Shane's been promoting this special needs kid. | ||
| I was at that one. | ||
| That was the one he gave me his jersey. | ||
| I looked like a retarded guy in the crowd. | ||
| So Shane's promoting this kid. | ||
| This kid right there. | ||
| Back up. | ||
| This kid. | ||
| Who's this kid? | ||
| I just keep sending Gabe that celebration. | ||
| This kid. | ||
| I'm like, Gabe, just hit that one. | ||
| He's a weird, fat Irish kid. | ||
| Watch, Gabriel. | ||
| That's a hot kid. | ||
| And then the NFL, the number one to two sports in the world. | ||
| Gabriel hit it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the world? | |
| What's number one? | ||
| UFC and then this. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Oh, football, football. | ||
| Number two or three. | ||
| Formula One is pretty high. | ||
| Five, top five. | ||
| Viewership. | ||
| This is why I say top 20. Top 10, no matter what, sports in the world. | ||
| But cricket's like a billion. | ||
| Can't even talk. | ||
| Soccer's up there. | ||
| Soccer, cricket. | ||
| Soccer number one. | ||
| F1, football number one. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's top ten. | |
| It's top ten no matter what. | ||
| It's cricket because of Indian people. | ||
| Very popular. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that bigger than everything? | |
| They drop loads. | ||
| Soccer and cricket. | ||
| Soccer's number one. | ||
| What's number one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soccer or cricket? | |
| Soccer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soccer. | |
| Number one by far. | ||
| I don't know, because China and India don't play soccer. | ||
| Soccer does play China, they just don't make the World Cup. | ||
| They do, and they pour out and they watch World Cup all day and all night at the fucking bars. | ||
| China number one. | ||
| You would go to China, you nasty communist. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Still available. | ||
| As long as you're not dissident, head over to China. | ||
| What about the Uyghurs? | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm going Don Lemon on it. | ||
| See the Uyghurs. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| By the way, now that we're drinking a little? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A little. | ||
| Elon Musk fucking dominated that fucking motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He ruled. | |
| It was a bad interview. | ||
| He fucked Don Lemon up. | ||
| He had an interview? | ||
| And then fucked that up. | ||
| Also, he didn't have a contract signed yet. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You fucking dummy. | ||
| Who didn't have a contract signed? | ||
| He has for a super truck, too. | ||
| Yeah, I was going to give him a truck. | ||
| Elon Musk is like, you guys don't understand. | ||
| He doesn't really care. | ||
| Also, what Elon said was so apt. | ||
| He said, Don Lemon was doing CNN off CNN. You don't have to do that. | ||
| You're on the internet. | ||
| Have a fucking conversation with a dude. | ||
| Don't just berate him with questions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allow him to express himself. | |
| Have you thought about the difference between free speech and hate speech? | ||
| Where is the line? | ||
| Do you think about the line? | ||
| Do you think it's more important that people decide what the line is? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, and he's saying that to him, and Don Lemon's like, oh, I just thought I was going to get you. | ||
| But Don Lemon never asked it that way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. | ||
| It's hilarious, because Don Lemon is talking about, like, oh, it's been so hard for me. | ||
| And Elon said, you're extremely successful. | ||
| He's like, yeah, but that was, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Accidentally. | |
| Mark, don't be a fucker. | ||
| Against all odds. | ||
| Like, no, it's not against all odds. | ||
| It's because of the current climate. | ||
| That's why you were successful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it, Mark. | |
| You're not good at what you do. | ||
| I don't drink. | ||
| Become great. | ||
| Become great, Mark. | ||
| Become the... | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And what did he say? | ||
| He goes, I can't. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was in the... | ||
| Become great. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| Wait, what were we talking about? | ||
| I don't know what we were talking about, but Shane's there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful, beautiful elixir. | |
| Beautiful elixir of domination. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put on your wooden beads. | |
| And pray to Mother Gaia. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| Your girlfriend's hideous. | ||
| Three, two, one, Mark, go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One time Oh my Oh my That's just guys having fun That's just guys having fun. | |
| Bros Babe Bros. | ||
| People hate it. | ||
| People hate to see it. | ||
| Who are these people? | ||
| What kind of loser people do? | ||
| What do they love? | ||
| Who are these people? | ||
| And what do they love? | ||
| And what do they care about? | ||
| What do they love? | ||
| And what do they care about? | ||
| Finish that, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't even finish it. | |
| Mark, you didn't finish it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're breaking my heart. | |
| Mark, you didn't finish it? | ||
| I'm getting the function again did you read it yes oh Om Mark, sometimes you break my heart and it makes me so dang gum sad. | ||
| I don't want to break the beer down. | ||
| This is the last beer. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| I told you we needed more. | ||
| Another case. | ||
| It's the last beer. | ||
| We for sure have more cases. | ||
| Hey, can I say something? | ||
| A memory of scraping together fucking $3 each to get a case of beer and everybody drinking it. | ||
| Back in the day. | ||
| Back in the high school. | ||
| I got $1.20. | ||
| That'll do. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| You didn't know whether or not you were going to be able to get drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't understand what the world was. | |
| You didn't understand what all these expectations meant and all these people that were telling you what to do and what not to do. | ||
| They were wrong. | ||
| Not only were they wrong, they were trying to impart their control on you to try to justify their own existence. | ||
| Man, you remember how fun it was to get drunk when you were a kid? | ||
| I don't know if we're allowed to say that on here. | ||
| I remember puking in a cab when I was 15. It's one of my favorite moments. | ||
| Me and my boys, we would go to Ocean City, Maryland every year. | ||
| Let's go! | ||
| I'd love to talk about this, but I gotta pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
O.C. Grab a case while you're out there. | |
| Get a couple of bruskies, will ya? | ||
| Get us a case, bro. | ||
| We would go down to... | ||
| OC, bro. | ||
| No one understands the Delmarva connection. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| The Philly-Delmarva connection. | ||
| Ocean City, Maryland. | ||
| A 24-pack of Natty Ice was $11. | ||
| And what did you do down there? | ||
| What did you do there in Ocean City at the boardwalk? | ||
| We used to sit on a tree trunk and drink them. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| When you're young, getting fucking hammered, there's nothing better. | ||
| Now, I don't want anybody under the age of 21 to drink. | ||
| Don't, but just know that when we drink under 21, it's a rule. | ||
| No one carded. | ||
| Well, you guys shouldn't do it. | ||
| When we did it, it ruled. | ||
| I did not do it. | ||
| I waited until I was 21 to enjoy Bud Light responsibly, and I've always enjoyed it responsibly. | ||
| But I'll tell you what, if I had a daydream, if I imagined what it would be like if I was 15 and... | ||
| Keep drinking... | ||
| Shotgun and beers in Ocean City, Maryland. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That was God's character. | ||
| OC, Rehoboth, Dewey, Screwy. | ||
| You go to head over to Screwy Beach? | ||
| Delaware Beach? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| God gave us these beaches. | ||
| God gave us these! | ||
| God gave us these. | ||
| What's the pizza place down there? | ||
| Grotto's. | ||
| Grotto's pizza, dude! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Grotto's pizza! | |
| Grotto's pizza is crazy! | ||
| You gotta get a fresh slice of Grotto's. | ||
| Yes, dude. | ||
| You got a fresh slice? | ||
| I got molested at Grotto's. | ||
| Oh, you go say, hey, what's the plan tonight? | ||
| Mama said Love Jump. | ||
| Dude, you know what I saw there? | ||
| What? | ||
| Scorpion King. | ||
| I saw that movie with The Rock. | ||
| Me and Jared Dupes. | ||
| Yo, shout out Jared Dupes. | ||
| Let's get it. | ||
| Show up Grotto's Pizza. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| I'm going to Ocean City, Maryland. | ||
| Oh, Grotto's! | ||
| I've been to literally that one. | ||
| Oh, I got fucked in the ass in that bar. | ||
| Dude, nobody reps the Maryland flag. | ||
| Maryland flag might be the tightest United States flag. | ||
| And nobody rocks it. | ||
| Full hat, all Maryland flag. | ||
| It's the sickest flag. | ||
| I want a ski outfit, all Maryland flag. | ||
| That got you? | ||
| Here, do this one. | ||
| Do that one. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Do that one, Mark. | ||
| Give it away for me. | ||
| Why are you a coward, dude? | ||
| You'll die. | ||
| That's why no one will remember your name. | ||
| I got the hiccups. | ||
| America! | ||
| America! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| We're saving the day of motherfucking beer! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That dog should be taken away. | |
| SBCA, get in here. | ||
| Rogies is good, dude. | ||
| St. Rogies. | ||
| Now we're drinking a little. | ||
| Ari said the N-word. | ||
| I'm going to tell you this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, what happened to the beers? | |
| What happened to the beers? | ||
| You might be the best, dude. | ||
| You are the best, dude. | ||
| Aw, don't fucking, don't make me regret it. | ||
| Don't make, yeah. | ||
| Nobody supports stand-up like Rogan. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Pauly Shore's pretty good. | ||
| Who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Pauly Shore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pauly Shore. | |
| Mark's got the hiccups. | ||
| Nobody supports all stand-ups like Rogan. | ||
| You're the goddamn bro. | ||
| Who saw that coming? | ||
| Who saw that coming? | ||
| Some fucking meathead fucking workout guy supporting stand-up more than anybody in the world. | ||
| Nobody does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Making it normalized. | ||
| Having open micers on. | ||
| Having going, hey, sorry, Oliver Stone, can't have you on tonight. | ||
| I got an open micer on. | ||
| I got to push. | ||
| I got a Jewish freak who fucks his dog. | ||
| I got to bring him on. | ||
| Why don't you do this dog this way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let that dog go. | |
| He doesn't fuck his dog, he just loves it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Yeah, but he loves it too much for a man. | ||
| Yeah, let it run wild. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| She's been running wild. | ||
| She's fine. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| That tail will stay different. | ||
| She's like... | ||
| That curled up tail's a sign of anxiety. | ||
| Yeah, put the dog down, bro. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| Hey, hey. | ||
| Don't get the fucking... | ||
| Shane Gillis from SNL doesn't want me to love you. | ||
| Shane Gillis from SNL! Blame Lorne Michaels for my lack of affection right now. | ||
| Sorry, buddy. | ||
| How was Lorne on the SNL night? | ||
| He was a beast, dude. | ||
| Was he cool? | ||
| Was he like, we made it? | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| Me and Sal went. | ||
| It was a fun night. | ||
| Me and Sal and Becky. | ||
| It was so cool. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| Literally, I called every favor I had to get into the showroom. | ||
| I was trying so much. | ||
| Me and Sal Volcano came up empty. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Called in every favor we got. | ||
| He called, uh, uh, uh, Colin. | ||
| Jost. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Literally every comic. | ||
| Yeah, because every New York comic was like, I want to be there. | ||
| Kyla was there. | ||
| Christine was there. | ||
| I got mine. | ||
| You got yours in? | ||
| I said, hey, I'm going to call your manager. | ||
| He goes, yeah, yeah, just follow up, make sure. | ||
| I'm like, hey, idiot. | ||
| I'm obviously coming to the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, can't help you. | |
| I said to Becky, I said, make sure Ari's in there. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You were in there, you dumbass. | ||
| In the showroom watching a telecast in a green room with a bunch of fucking dorks. | ||
| Shane, you made me be a dork. | ||
| How dare you be nasty like this? | ||
| Joseph, where are you going? | ||
| He's going to get more beers. | ||
| He's going to get more beers! | ||
| Anyway, you being there meant literally nothing to me. | ||
| me I was so pissed you were there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| DeRosa did not make it. | ||
| He came to the aftermarket. | ||
| I told Shane, I was like, hey, get DeRosa here. | ||
| And Shane just goes, he's taking pictures on the outside of the aftermarket. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| Let DeRosa in? | ||
| What do you want me to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Just paparazzi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like... | |
| Dude, it ruled so hard. | ||
| We got a picture of us. | ||
| My niece was pumped that Sal was there. | ||
| My niece got there and was like... | ||
| She loves Sal. | ||
| What was the date? | ||
| Uh, February 24th. | ||
| Fuck me. | ||
| Dude, it was fun. | ||
| The fact that we happened to be there, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Welcome. | |
| Welcome to the party for once, bro. | ||
| Well, a whiskey. | ||
| You had fucking two whiskeys. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Dude, we rated 21 Savage's dressing room seven decks of cards, so many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. | ||
| By the way. | ||
| No one deserves more credit than 21. That's the bro, dude. | ||
| What was so impressive about him? | ||
| That's a sick picture. | ||
| That's a sick picture. | ||
| Hey, me, Shane, and Sal in front of it, and Shane just automatically going to cover his nuts because he knows. | ||
| Rightfully so. | ||
| I was wrong to not do it, to not just fucking dick punch him. | ||
| No, 21 was like, you know, he's 21. The whole time he's like, yeah, what's up, man? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| But my niece really wanted a picture with 21, and he was already leaving. | ||
| He was out of the room. | ||
| And I was like, could 21 come back and take a picture with my niece? | ||
| And he said yes. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah, he came back in. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| Here's Sal pissing in 21's dressing room. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Let's have a few more. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Another five hours. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| We can keep going. | ||
| It's only 7 p.m. | ||
| Show starts right now. | ||
| Show starts right now. | ||
| I got the fucking hiccups. | ||
| Do you have a show right now? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| How does it feel to be a club owner? | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some good and some bad. | ||
| Pros and cons. | ||
| Jmo, Jmo, how do you feel about that? | ||
| That's terrible, dude. | ||
| Shut up, I got most of it. | ||
| Pros, you got a secret weapon. | ||
| You can do an hour every night, but cons, you gotta deal with the bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you legally allowed to take a Lone Star on camera? | |
| Not legally? | ||
| For real? | ||
| Bud Light, let it go. | ||
| We're good. | ||
| Bud Light's a better beard. | ||
| Everything on earth comes with pros and cons. | ||
| Bud Light doesn't do that. | ||
| Why'd you dump all these? | ||
| Shut up, dude. | ||
| Everything that exists comes with pros and cons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The pros outweigh the cons. | ||
| Open a comedy club. | ||
| If you have the money, do it. | ||
| If you can do it, if you're me, do it. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| If anybody's going to do it, I've got to do it. | ||
| You've got to do it. | ||
| It's like the obligation. | ||
| You get put in this weird spot where you have like resources that most people never have. | ||
| You have to do it if you care. | ||
| If you really give a fuck about what you're talking about. | ||
| It is great. | ||
| There's phones locked up. | ||
| Everything's great. | ||
| The fucking setup is great. | ||
| The way it was established is great. | ||
| The fact that it's stress-free, relatively, is great. | ||
| The fact that comics have embraced it. | ||
| Shane's moved here. | ||
| You two bitches having committed. | ||
| Brought all the dogs down. | ||
| Brought all the Philadelphia dogs down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nate. | |
| Guard dog. | ||
| Road dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LeMay Pope. | |
| You need to move here. | ||
| You guys fucking need to move here. | ||
| O'Connor Pope. | ||
| Playing around with these other places. | ||
| We should get a condo. | ||
| We should get a condo. | ||
| Mark, let's share it. | ||
| Let's share it too, Betty. | ||
| Mark, let's share it too, Betty. | ||
| Mark, let's share it too, Betty. | ||
| Don't wait for it in the same place as you, Mark. | ||
| Let's share it too, Betty. | ||
| Get your own spot. | ||
| Don't wait till the housing crisis happens here in Austin. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about that. | ||
| Let that collapse. | ||
| It's already happened. | ||
| Wait till McKeever gets down here. | ||
| All the bros are down here. | ||
| Everyone's down here already. | ||
| McCusker. | ||
| The fucking group we have right now is insane. | ||
| From Kill Tony to all the people that came from Kill Tony. | ||
| It is cool when you go like, hey, I'm here in a week. | ||
| I'm like, who can feature? | ||
| I'm like, well. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Oh, McCusker, Paziski, Rogan, I mean, Segura, Shane, whoever. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| It was like, hey, come down and fucking open for me. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| It's what we wanted. | ||
| We're only a year in, man. | ||
| We're only a year one year in. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Norman? | ||
| One more. | ||
| Give me a minute. | ||
| I'm still burping. | ||
| Joe, for real though, congratulations. | ||
| One year doing fucking stand-up comedy the right way. | ||
| Holding the line. | ||
| Fucking great job. | ||
| Not just holding the line. | ||
| Just fucking funny. | ||
| We're fucking telling everybody what the line is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not just holding a lot. | ||
| Hey, I gotta say this. | ||
| Paying people the right way. | ||
| This is one thing I'm proud of. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's a small room. | ||
| I did the first set ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In the little boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did. | |
| That's not true. | ||
| Yes, you did. | ||
| Wait, really? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| He opened up for Chappelle. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bully oh bully, did I bomb. | |
| Not true. | ||
| I heard about that. | ||
| Not true. | ||
| That's humble Shane, talking shit. | ||
| And then Joe introduced it. | ||
| Joe was on the mic like, hey everybody. | ||
| He introduced the show. | ||
| I got on stage. | ||
| Everybody in the show was just Chappelle's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| All this is inaccurate. | ||
| Norman, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Hold on, I gotta hear this. | ||
| Take it, coward. | ||
| Literally, no one knew what the show was gonna be. | ||
| I said, special, intimate show, 11.30pm, in the little room, sells out immediately. | ||
| Shane Gillis goes on stage, does 15 minutes, they have no idea Dave's going up. | ||
| He killed. | ||
| He's so full of shit. | ||
| He killed. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| The first guy ever, ever on stage. | ||
| Professionally, in that room. | ||
| Shane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Second guy, Chappelle. | ||
| Who brought him on? | ||
| I brought him on. | ||
| I brought him on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Just to say hi. | ||
| From the DJ band. | ||
| You coward, I saw that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Is this yours? | ||
| That's his. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's his. | |
| He's right. | ||
| Joe, stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, don't do it. | |
| Joe, Norman, Norman, Norman, you coward. | ||
| You'll never live this down. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| Internet attack. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Internet destroy him. | ||
| He yelled free Palestine in the hallway. | ||
| Did you guys hear that? | ||
| No, but I support it. | ||
| He supports it regardless. | ||
| Free Palestine. | ||
| Oop. | ||
| Oop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The. | |
| I will say, it's hard. | ||
| Free Palestine. | ||
| Free Palestine. | ||
| It's hard to analyze any Shane Gillis story because his rise is so fucking quick that, like, three months later, you're like, oh, it was a different time. | ||
| He was slightly lower than he is now. | ||
| No, no, but that one was... | ||
| I would do that today. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| That was... | ||
| What? | ||
| First show at the Little Wolf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It was amazing. | ||
| That was an honor. | ||
| And then Chappelle goes on stage after. | ||
| They have no idea Chappelle's going up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| So I just say, all I said on Twitter, intimate show. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| So Shane goes up, and then Chappelle goes up. | ||
| And it's insane. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a show. | |
| You gotta see it from my perspective. | ||
| Joe is on the mic introducing me. | ||
| On the DJ mic. | ||
| Which is crazy. | ||
| Just having Joe Rogan be like, hey everybody, coming up. | ||
| I said, welcome to the first ever show in the small room, little boy, at the Comedy Mothership. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| How's everybody doing? | ||
| Alright, let's get going. | ||
| You guys ready to do this? | ||
| Alright, yeah! | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite comedians. | ||
| Some guy you haven't heard of. | ||
| And then I had to get down and go, holy fuck, my bad. | ||
| So this is one year ago. | ||
| That's how much your world has changed in one year. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| The rise is so non-stop that you can't analyze it. | ||
| Any story that happens a week after it happens is like, it doesn't mean the same thing. | ||
| Dude, you've gone up so fast. | ||
| I would do that tonight. | ||
| What, the little bit? | ||
| That show. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| You might have to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tonight? | |
| We're about to go rogue. | ||
| Here's the one thing. | ||
| What? | ||
| Norman never gets wrecked on this. | ||
| He's wrecked. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He's wrecked. | ||
| He's wrecked for Norman. | ||
| No, I don't think he is though. | ||
| I've seen him wrecked. | ||
| I've been to 6am with him. | ||
| They say that. | ||
| All three of us have been destroyed on Protect Our Parks. | ||
| But he knows he's got to come with the quips. | ||
| When were you destroyed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When were you destroyed? | |
| When was I destroyed? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right now. | |
| I legitimately hold. | ||
| No, you've been more. | ||
| When were you destroyed, though? | ||
| Not when you drank more. | ||
| He doesn't get destroyed. | ||
| He's been destroyed. | ||
| I've been destroyed. | ||
| 706. I've puked after. | ||
| We've got to end this. | ||
| We have to end this. | ||
| Norman Bong won, and then we'll end. | ||
| I yacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Norman bong that and we'll end it. | |
| The best way to fix that is a fucking freedom bong. | ||
| Bong that and we'll end it. | ||
| America! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please bong that and we'll end it. | |
| Don't be a communist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Norman. | |
| Don't be a Uyghur. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't get his dick on camera. | |
| America! | ||
| Bong that and we'll end it. | ||
| Wait, what'd I miss? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't miss anything, Mark. | |
| We missed us waiting for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we'll end it. | |
| Norman's got self-protection instincts. | ||
| What about the whiskey? | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| I like how it distorts things. | ||
| What'd I miss? | ||
| What'd I miss? | ||
| Mark's bong that one. | ||
| This guy's pulling his dick out. | ||
| He's filling whiskey bottles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a full whiskey bottle full of piss. | |
| And he's not even halfway done. | ||
| Alright, before we end it, Norman, please bong that. | ||
| Alright, well, we should have a parting words, some words of wisdom. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. | |
| We are retarded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Farmers bummed it up. | |
| We are here. | ||
| We are here for comedy. | ||
| We are here for comedy. | ||
| We hold the line. | ||
| We hold the line right here. | ||
| All that free speech shit. | ||
| This is Scotland. | ||
| We hold the line. | ||
| Come on, Scotland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Step up like the JRE. I'm learning. | |
| Under, under, under. | ||
| He's going with Scott. | ||
| Hold the line, Scotland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scotland! | |
| Scotland! | ||
| We hold the line. | ||
| Underneath that hand. | ||
| Teach me. | ||
| We hold the line now. | ||
| I don't want to hurt him. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| He's doing everything he can to not bong that beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
BONG THAT BEAR! Good boy! | |
| BONG THE BEAR! Can you hand me a brusky? | ||
| To support the truth? | ||
| He did throw up! | ||
| He's the first of us to throw up. | ||
| Um, no. | ||
| Today? | ||
| Today. | ||
| This is the first time he ever buked on one of these. | ||
| Shout out to Lone Star as Shane. | ||
| Lone Star? | ||
| America! | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| Chug that, boy. | ||
| Chug it, boy. | ||
| Do it for the troops. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Do it for the troops. | ||
| Do it for the ladies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mark, do you hate the troops? | |
| Norman, bro. | ||
| Did you just take asthma medication? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god, I knew asthma. | ||
| Three, two, one! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You better do it all the way, bro. | |
| If you quit now, it'll be bad for you. | ||
| You gotta finish it. | ||
| It's such slow swallows. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, Protect Our Parks, 11. That was definitely a good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
14. It might be 80. Yeah. | |
| What? | ||
| Time is relative. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| We started this at 2.30. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's in the books. | |
| 150. Holy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Damn. | ||
| The show's already started. | ||
| All right, let's go. | ||
| Derek Poston's on stage right now. | ||
| Good night, America. | ||
| The rest of the world that wished they were America. | ||
| Good night. | ||
| Uyghurs never quit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We never quit Uyghurs. | |
| China and Russia. | ||
| You can be us. | ||
| I said China and Russia. | ||
| You can be us. | ||
| All of us. | ||
| Together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One world. |
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