Speaker | Time | Text |
---|---|---|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
Hey, what's up, Jay? | ||
What's going on, baby? | ||
Nothing, dude. | ||
It's been fun, huh? | ||
That was crazy. | ||
Yeah, last night was fucking awesome. | ||
That was... | ||
I got allergies, dude. | ||
Do you hear my voice? | ||
Is that what's going on? | ||
It's very scratchy, yeah. | ||
Is that the... | ||
Yeah, there's a lot of like... | ||
What is it? | ||
Cedar? | ||
Is this cedar time? | ||
As soon as I got down here, I got crushed. | ||
There's ragwood and cedar and... | ||
Oh, ragweed? | ||
Ragweed. | ||
Ragweed and cedar and a bunch of shit going on in this town. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
I'm lucky I don't get it. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, I don't get allergies. | ||
I get fucking destroyed, dude. | ||
My family gets it, though. | ||
I had to wear, during COVID, I got like a lake house, like right when it was starting. | ||
It was, you know, it was March, April. | ||
So it was crazy. | ||
I had to wear fucking ski goggles when we were out on the boat. | ||
unidentified
|
Dude, I was getting shitfaced wearing full ski. | |
I looked fucking crazy. | ||
Just because the pollen and shit was fucking your eyes? | ||
My eyes were... | ||
I was like, is this a side effect of COVID? Oh, no. | ||
So, you know, it was the very beginning. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
And that was back when every symptom was COVID. So I Googled it. | ||
I was like, is pink eye COVID? They're like, you know, we sampled 10 fucking Chinese guys. | ||
Yes. | ||
I was like, fuck. | ||
I'm dying. | ||
We were, like, scared to go to the grocery store. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, it was the very beginning. | ||
So I was in Key West when it started, so I was like, fuck it, I'll just get Airbnbs and work my way back up to New York. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, it was awesome. | ||
So you were working in Key West? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Were you doing that little club? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I heard that club's great. | ||
Perfect. | ||
Yeah? | ||
Yeah, it's a little room, and it's Key West. | ||
What are those people like down there? | ||
Those are like checked out, flip-flop wearing. | ||
Wild, drunk ladies. | ||
Like you say, dick. | ||
They're like, yeah! | ||
Try to do one smart joke. | ||
They're like, what? | ||
What'd you just say? | ||
They're not here to think. | ||
They don't understand the nuance. | ||
They're going to drink margaritas. | ||
Look at the George Washington bit. | ||
I'm like, slavery? | ||
They're like... | ||
Yeah! | ||
Oh no. | ||
That would be hell. | ||
Would be hell would be stuck around people that you could never have a smart conversation with. | ||
That would be hell. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, there's some people, like, you know, like, those people, you start a conversation, you go, oh, this is, like, level two forever. | ||
Yeah. | ||
We're at level two forever. | ||
We're never getting to level ten. | ||
I hate when someone makes a point that you're like, yeah. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
Like, when someone, yeah, they're like, here's what I've been thinking lately. | ||
Oh, no. | ||
And it's like, dude, yeah, I thought of that in eighth grade. | ||
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
Maybe God's not real. | ||
I confronted that in sixth grade. | ||
The reality of people in their brains is just like the reality of people in their eyesight, and people in their hearing, and people in their height, and people in their nose length. | ||
It fucking varies wildly. | ||
Speaking of nose length, did I show you my 23andMe? | ||
That fucked me up last night. | ||
We were at dinner, and I was like, dude, look at my 23andMe results. | ||
He was like, yeah, you showed me yesterday. | ||
You're really proud of that. | ||
It's fucking weird. | ||
I was just like... | ||
It is weird. | ||
It's just 100% Irish. | ||
Yeah, it was... | ||
Fitzsimmons has that too. | ||
He's 100%? | ||
100%. | ||
He's all in. | ||
I couldn't believe it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
If I look at you, it looks pretty... | ||
No, it's obvious. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's a potato face. | ||
It's a lot. | ||
Got rid of the mustache, dude. | ||
Now you can see I don't have lips. | ||
I'm interested. | ||
What was the choice behind that? | ||
I don't know. | ||
It was gross. | ||
Really? | ||
My chin hairs were fucking disgusting. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, like long pubic... | ||
Was it getting scraggly? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Do you wish you had the moustache still though? | ||
It feels like you're kind of halfway growing it back. | ||
If I go Jeff's moustache, it's... | ||
It's a cop. | ||
unidentified
|
It's rough looking. | |
You're a cop. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Because I got the jowls. | ||
You're a corrupt cop. | ||
Yeah. | ||
With like child porn on your computer. | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
Yeah. | ||
If a guy... | ||
Snake porn. | ||
unidentified
|
That look. | |
Snake porn. | ||
He showed me a fucking guy yesterday that's having sex with a snake. | ||
I'm like, what? | ||
Shout out to my friend Billy. | ||
And then he shows it to all of us while we're eating dinner. | ||
And the waiter kept walking by. | ||
Yeah, he did that on purpose. | ||
Yeah, that was like a bit. | ||
unidentified
|
100%. | |
Because it's like, he like lingered, and then when the phone came back out, then he came back in. | ||
It was the busboy. | ||
Which is a pretty funny rumor for him to have about you. | ||
What, that my friend wants to watch people fuck snakes? | ||
I waited on Joe Rogan. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He's watching snake porn and eating snakes. | ||
Yeah, he's gonna blame me. | ||
Yeah, definitely. | ||
He's gonna blame me for you. | ||
Yeah, you're into snake porn. | ||
He had this giant dude that's 100% Irish just watching guys fuck snakes. | ||
Some guy with no lips. | ||
Just kept showing him fucking snake porn. | ||
Guy looks like he should have a mustache, but he doesn't. | ||
Yeah, as soon as I got done shaving, I was like, fuck. | ||
That snake thing is wild. | ||
Yeah, it was a tough one. | ||
The guy was actually fucking, not like mouth-fucking a snake, but fucking the snake vagina or whatever they have. | ||
It was horrendous. | ||
Oh. | ||
I probably shouldn't even be talking about it. | ||
I had no idea that that could even be done. | ||
The guy's out there testing limits. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It didn't seem like the snake was trying to get away. | ||
I don't think... | ||
Yeah, probably not. | ||
It's a pretty big snake. | ||
I feel like the snake could have got him if it wanted to. | ||
The snake was down there, too. | ||
It's head was also... | ||
Yeah, whatever. | ||
Goddamn. | ||
The snake was kind of getting into it. | ||
Yeah, it's bad. | ||
But we were talking about it. | ||
It was like, how illegal is that? | ||
Like, it's not like child porn illegal. | ||
No. | ||
But it's got its bestiality, which is... | ||
I don't think... | ||
It is illegal. | ||
Is it illegal federally? | ||
Is it illegal to show your friends? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I mean, is it illegal everywhere? | ||
Like, what are the rules for, like, fucking snakes? | ||
I mean, fucking snakes. | ||
I mean, who cares? | ||
Who cares? | ||
Chop their heads off. | ||
No one gives a shit. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like, if you find a snake outside, you can just chop its head off. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Nobody gets mad. | ||
But if you kill a raccoon, people get pissed at you. | ||
Yeah, but if you fuck a... | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Any... | ||
Well, since the 50s, it says that's been illegal. | ||
To fuck snakes? | ||
unidentified
|
Any... | |
Specifically? | ||
Any animal. | ||
Any animal? | ||
Unnatural carnal copulation. | ||
Interesting. | ||
That's a good law. | ||
Un-natural. | ||
Carnal copulation. | ||
That's a good law. | ||
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
It's a funny way to dance around and just be like, what are you fucking snakes? | ||
unidentified
|
It's illegal in four states? | |
No, legal. | ||
Oh, what states? | ||
Well, it used to be legal in Washington state. | ||
Hawaii, Wyoming. | ||
Hawaii? | ||
Mexico, West Virginia. | ||
unidentified
|
Hawaii, Wyoming, New Mexico, and West Virginia. | |
It used to be Washington state up until that documentary, Zoo. | ||
Do you know about that documentary? | ||
No. | ||
There was a guy... | ||
I'm new to the bestiality game. | ||
There's a guy named... | ||
They called him Mr. Hands. | ||
Oh, yes. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Mr. Hands got fucked to death by a horse. | ||
So they made a documentary about it called Zoo. | ||
And that documentary is pretty interesting. | ||
And it got very popular. | ||
This was like... | ||
I want to say this is around the early 2000s, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And if you haven't seen it, you could just go Google Mr. Hand's horse. | ||
You'll find it somewhere. | ||
unidentified
|
Good lord. | |
You'll find it somewhere. | ||
It's a tough one to watch, dude. | ||
It's tough. | ||
When it gets in there? | ||
You're like, how? | ||
You're like, how? | ||
Like, where is it going? | ||
Also, where did you think? | ||
What did you think was going to happen? | ||
Well, he'd been fucked multiple times by that horse. | ||
Oh, him and a horse. | ||
That apparently, the video, was not the one that killed him. | ||
It was another one that killed him. | ||
That video was a successful... | ||
That was a success. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They got done. | ||
Yeah, they got a gun. | ||
The horse just jizzes immediately, too. | ||
Good God. | ||
Alright. | ||
The best part is the guy who guides the horse dick into his butt. | ||
The guy goes, too much? | ||
unidentified
|
When the guy makes the noise, he's like, too much? | |
What the fuck do you think? | ||
Is he a magician? | ||
Like, how is he making that dick disappear in his body? | ||
There's not enough room in his body. | ||
Oh, yeah, perforated his colon and just ruptured his innards and bled out from the inside. | ||
And then once they brought him to the hospital, the cops are like, hey, what the fuck's going on? | ||
unidentified
|
I go, you know, stuff like playing around. | |
I don't know. | ||
Yeah, that's a tough one. | ||
It's a tough one. | ||
It's a tough way to go. | ||
Yeah, but also, like, there was hundreds of hours of footage. | ||
It's pretty sad. | ||
Thinking of, like, his mother, you know, she gave birth holding that. | ||
Yes. | ||
Just being like, someday this guy's gonna... | ||
He's going to die from getting fucked by a horse. | ||
I bet she didn't think that. | ||
No one saw this coming. | ||
Someday he's going to be the president. | ||
Yeah, this guy's going to be the president. | ||
Instead he's getting fucked by a horse. | ||
I think he was a software engineer or something. | ||
He worked for Boeing. | ||
He worked for Boeing? | ||
Yeah. | ||
So he was a very smart guy who just had a strange kink. | ||
Hmm, kinks are fucking weird. | ||
Yeah, I don't have any. | ||
I'm so lucky. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Can you imagine? | ||
If you just, like, wanted to wear women's shoes and get fucked in the butt? | ||
Like, that's just your thing. | ||
But you're straight. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm straight, but he's got this thing, you know? | |
Yeah, thank God I don't know. | ||
Thank God. | ||
Unless I probably do, I just don't, I'm not even trying. | ||
Well, they say a lot of them, they're imprinted on your early adolescence. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, as your body is becoming sexual. | ||
Nothing weird happened to me. | ||
Luckily. | ||
Thank God. | ||
I dodged two molestation attempts. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, two. | ||
What'd you dodge? | ||
Well, I dodged one of them when I was... | ||
I probably was like seven or eight years old. | ||
That was the scare... | ||
Well, they were both pretty scary. | ||
But that was the scarier one, because I was at the library. | ||
And I was by myself. | ||
You know, I was a latch kid. | ||
My parents just let me out of the house. | ||
Which... | ||
You know, at the time was kind of normal. | ||
In retrospect, like thinking about it now, I couldn't imagine letting my seven-year-old just fucking wander around. | ||
Not just that, but walk to the public library, you know, in San Francisco. | ||
And this guy, I was looking at, you know, I was always into like horror movies and monster movies and shit. | ||
And so I was reading these books in this, they had a section of like, you know, monster books. | ||
And this guy came up to me. | ||
And he goes, do you like monster books? | ||
I go, yeah. | ||
And he goes, oh, I have some monster books in my car. | ||
You want to see them? | ||
No. | ||
Okay. | ||
Like, I didn't know any better. | ||
I was just fucking eight years old or whatever it was. | ||
And as I'm leaving with this guy, the librarian starts screaming, Joseph, you get away from that man. | ||
You know, like, that man just got out of jail! | ||
And she yells at him to get out of there, and the guy runs away, and I just started crying, and I was like, whoa! | ||
So I dodged that bullet. | ||
And then another time, When I was 13. When I was 13, we were hanging around this lake in Jamaica Plain. | ||
It was this like... | ||
Jamaica Pond was this place we would go and fish. | ||
And there was another pond that was like this neighboring pond that was like slightly smaller. | ||
And this guy was always like running around the lake. | ||
He was jogging. | ||
And me and my friend Josh would be hanging out. | ||
This guy would come over and talk to us. | ||
You know, he seemed like a super normal guy. | ||
He used to be a teacher, and he had retired. | ||
He probably was like in his 60s. | ||
And one day, it's just me. | ||
He went for it. | ||
One day, it's just me. | ||
And I'm fishing, and he comes by, and he's drunk. | ||
Damn. | ||
unidentified
|
And he tells me he loves me. | |
And I'm like... | ||
I'm like super confused. | ||
How old were you? | ||
Thirteen. | ||
Okay. | ||
And I had been talking to this guy on and off. | ||
I had seen him, you know, for months. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like you'd come by, say hi. | ||
It was always like casual, very good-humored, very friendly, but he was like setting us up. | ||
And he comes by and then I realized after, he tells me he loves me, but there can be no love without sex. | ||
That's what he says. | ||
And I'm like, what? | ||
And I had a knife. | ||
So I remember, like, I grabbed my knife in my pocket, and I had my hand on my knife, and I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna have to stab this guy. | ||
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
Yeah. | ||
I was like, this is gonna... | ||
Because there was no one around. | ||
There was no one around. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
It was just trees and forest. | ||
You were like, I'm about to stab. | ||
Oh, I was gonna cut this guy. | ||
I would have trusted the guy. | ||
I would have been like, yeah, you're right. | ||
You're smarter than me. | ||
Well, I'll see you later. | ||
I don't know what you... | ||
It was dangerous. | ||
We had a guy go for us. | ||
It was a guy that used to linger. | ||
Hilarious, dude. | ||
He was mentally challenged, but he would always hang out around my high school, and he would go to all the basketball games. | ||
One day, we had a tape recorder for the National Anthem to play at the beginning of games. | ||
They would just hold a mic next to a tape recorder. | ||
It broke, so the mentally handicapped guy stood up and started singing. | ||
And the whole fucking gym was like... | ||
Everybody just listened to the guy sing the National Anthem. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Did he get all the words right? | ||
I don't remember. | ||
I doubt it. | ||
unidentified
|
I doubt it. | |
I think he was freestyling a little. | ||
But no, he would try to get you. | ||
He would go to games. | ||
But he was like a... | ||
Again, it wasn't that long ago. | ||
It was long enough that people were like, yeah, he's weird. | ||
That old thing. | ||
Yeah, there's a town pedophile, but he's a weird guy. | ||
So he would be like, you guys want to play football? | ||
And we were little kids at the high school football game playing touch football. | ||
And he was like, you guys want to come out to my car? | ||
I have Nerf balls. | ||
And we were all like, no, dude, stop trying to fuck us. | ||
We knew what he was doing. | ||
He was like, alright, see you guys. | ||
Did he get away with it with anybody? | ||
Probably. | ||
If you get the mentally handicapped guy tricks you into getting into his car... | ||
Nerve balls. | ||
I got nerve balls out of my car. | ||
That's how he gets you? | ||
And we're just fully like... | ||
Nobody would ever take your advice again. | ||
You're like, bro. | ||
You got raped by that fucking idiot. | ||
That fucking guy got you. | ||
You got raped by an idiot, dude. | ||
Yeah, but just... | ||
Even in fifth, sixth grade, we were like... | ||
No, dude. | ||
I'm trying to rape us. | ||
Every neighborhood has a guy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I didn't even realize the other guy. | ||
We had two guys. | ||
The other guy, he had a tricycle with his name on a license plate, like a fake license plate on the front of his tricycle. | ||
It was a sick tricycle. | ||
But he would come around, and he would speak gibberish, but every once in a while he would get kind of sexual. | ||
Like, he would come over and just be like, do you like pancakes? | ||
We're like, yeah, dude, we love pancakes. | ||
And he's like, do you ever put syrup on your pancakes? | ||
Like, yeah. | ||
He's like, you ever put syrup down your pants? | ||
You ever rub syrup all over your... | ||
unidentified
|
Dude, stop, stop. | |
They just keep tricycling, dude. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
I don't know if they ever actually got anyone. | ||
Sometimes it just doesn't work and they just keep swinging. | ||
Just keep swinging. | ||
unidentified
|
Forever. | |
Fuck it, dude. | ||
They're fucking... | ||
There's always like it was on it was always on to catch predator They were always catch like a mentally handicapped guy. | ||
There's always a part of me like Yeah, come on Well, obviously you gotta get him but everyone was off on that show. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, did you think you could do that show today? | |
He's doing it again. | ||
Really? | ||
We might have talked about this before but I love when they get fucking Indian dudes. | ||
Why Indian dudes? | ||
Because they they're just like yeah They're from India. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
Oh, and in India you're allowed to do that? | ||
Are you aware there's a 13-year-old girl who's like, yeah. | ||
Get the fuck out of here. | ||
Like, I'm trying to fuck this kid. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, they get foreigners all the time that are just like, I didn't know... | ||
That you guys have laws? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Really? | ||
So what are the laws in India? | ||
I don't want to besmirch India, but... | ||
Too late. | ||
Probably. | ||
I think if you're from rural India, you can fuck... | ||
Whoever's out there. | ||
Really? | ||
Well, I mean, you think... | ||
Jamie, help! | ||
Help! | ||
There's parts of the United States where the age of consent was very low up until recently. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, isn't it still, like, 16 in some states? | ||
I'm sure. | ||
I'm sure, like, especially states that are very religious. | ||
How the fuck is that not, like, a federal thing? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know? | ||
Yeah, the religious states, I think. | ||
Where it's like you get married when you're 13. I don't know. | ||
Mormons? | ||
What's Utah doing? | ||
There was one where if someone had sex, the age of consent for boy and girl was different than boy-boy. | ||
And the reason for that is that's where the Catholic Church had moved a bunch of its priests. | ||
Damn. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, I read that story. | ||
I want to say it's New Mexico. | ||
I want to say it was New Mexico. | ||
I think they fixed that. | ||
I might have just spread a bunch of misinformation. | ||
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
If that's true. | ||
I was reading the India thing first. | ||
What's going on? | ||
Let's go with India first, and then we'll go with the... | ||
Yeah. | ||
We're covering all the bases earlier. | ||
I don't know the answer to this. | ||
I'm just giving you what I found. | ||
Why is consensual teen sex a crime in India? | ||
Oh, for teens to have sex with each other, though. | ||
Okay. | ||
Well, they changed the law a decade ago to make it tougher on cases of child sexual abuse. | ||
Okay, so it criminalizes all sexual activity by children under 18. Interesting. | ||
Many adolescent boys in consenting relationships are finding themselves on the wrong side of the law. | ||
Interesting. | ||
That's a bummer. | ||
Interesting. | ||
That's why those guys are so fucking horny. | ||
You ever see them online? | ||
Are they? | ||
Yeah, don't fire it up. | ||
unidentified
|
Indian guys? | |
Indian dudes will hit you in the comments. | ||
Show Bobs. | ||
Show Vagina. | ||
Need Bobs. | ||
Show Bobs? | ||
I love you. | ||
Show by Bobs. | ||
Yeah, Bobs. | ||
What? | ||
They misspell boobs. | ||
They say, Show Bobs. | ||
unidentified
|
Queen. | |
Marry me. | ||
Show Bobs. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, every hot chick's picture is followed by a thousand Indian dudes. | ||
There's a billion people in India, but they don't have the same problem that China has. | ||
Like, China has that weird problem where there's way more guys than there are girls. | ||
That's crazy. | ||
They fucked up. | ||
The fact that they didn't see the math on that, that one-child policy... | ||
I think they'd be pretty good at that. | ||
The math. | ||
I would think... | ||
Isn't that, like, a thing? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I don't know anything about that. | ||
unidentified
|
I think that... | |
It's like, how the fuck did they not see where that was gonna be a disaster in the future? | ||
Like, there's a whole generation of guys that have no girls. | ||
It's like, what are you gonna do? | ||
There's no girls. | ||
They're gonna get aggressive. | ||
What the fuck are they gonna do? | ||
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
Yeah, not good. | ||
Whack off the cartoons. | ||
Because, like, even in this country where it's 50-50, basically, do you know that, like, 64% of men are single? | ||
And only 34% of women are single? | ||
Like, how? | ||
How's that? | ||
How does that even work? | ||
Wait, 64% of men are single? | ||
Yeah, see if we can find the numbers, but I think it's men of a certain age. | ||
Oh, you know what it is though? | ||
It's just men fucking chicks that are like, we're not dating. | ||
And women are like, no, we're in a relationship. | ||
You know how it is. | ||
I think it's a little of that. | ||
You're a fucking girl and she's like, what are we? | ||
Yeah, right. | ||
What have you been telling people we are? | ||
What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
We're nothing. | ||
unidentified
|
We're nothing. | |
Can't I just use you, please? | ||
Can't we just use each other? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like the Bill Wither song? | ||
Unfortunately, I'm not a guy that, yeah, they want to date me. | ||
I'm not a guy that like, oh, I just want to fuck that guy. | ||
You don't get used? | ||
I'm not like a hot guy. | ||
You wish you were used? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Do you? | ||
Occasionally, back in the day, that was the best thing. | ||
Getting used? | ||
Yeah! | ||
If you had a gal that just wanted to fuck... | ||
It's pretty neat. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Especially if you weren't into anything else. | ||
Because sometimes, like... | ||
The reality is sometimes you're attracted to someone that you're not compatible with. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
But they're hot. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
So you're attracted to them sexually. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But the problem is usually that one person is into the other person more than, you know, there's like psychological elements to it that become a problem. | ||
Certainly. | ||
Yeah, and if the guy is the one using the girl, he's a piece of shit. | ||
But if the girl is the one using the guy... | ||
unidentified
|
She's a boss. | |
Yeah, great. | ||
Way to go. | ||
Yeah, she's a boss. | ||
We did flip that. | ||
Adults between 18 and 29 who say they're single. | ||
Yeah, this is it. | ||
So that's 51% of men in 2019. What? | ||
Sorry. | ||
51% of men in 2019. And by the time it got to 2022, it's 63%. | ||
So the pandemic kicked it up 12%. | ||
But the women stayed the same. | ||
And just slightly more. | ||
More who say they're single. | ||
So 34% versus 32% for women. | ||
But the men went up 12 fucking percent. | ||
But I think what they're saying is these women during the pandemic started dating older guys. | ||
So when the jobs went away and everything went south, they shacked up with some dudes with money. | ||
Alright. | ||
Probably. | ||
That's fair. | ||
I mean, wouldn't that make sense? | ||
Like, look at 18 to 29 for men. | ||
63% are single. | ||
That's pretty wild, but age 65 plus? | ||
18 to 29? | ||
Yeah, and you look at 65 plus, 25% are single. | ||
50 to 64, 28% are single. | ||
30 to 49, 25% are single. | ||
So that's what it is. | ||
It's the 18 to 29 guys. | ||
20 at 65 plus, there's more women because all the men are dead. | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
Yeah. | ||
40% are single because dudes are croaking. | ||
Yeah, look. | ||
As soon as it hits 50, the women start to move forward. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because dudes start dropping dead of heart attacks, working 90 hours a week. | ||
And just coming home and just hating their life. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
It's gotta feel good, though. | ||
What, to die? | ||
When you're like, oh, here it is. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck, this hurts. | |
It hurts way more than I thought. | ||
That's a wrap. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Call it a day. | ||
I don't know, man. | ||
It's the whole fucking finding the compatible person thing. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
I can't imagine it. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Especially now. | ||
Especially today. | ||
Social media, that hurts, dude. | ||
You can look it up. | ||
Start talking to a girl, you scroll back, you're like, God damn, she's got a lot of boyfriends in these, you know? | ||
Girls have options. | ||
They have so many options. | ||
Yeah. | ||
A hot girl who's online. | ||
Like, if you are going back and forth with a hot girl, if you're a young guy now, if you're a 30-year-old guy now, And there's another girl, and she's 30 also. | ||
And you go to her Instagram, she goes, wow, she's really pretty. | ||
284,000 followers. | ||
I'm out. | ||
It's over. | ||
Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
And then you look in the likes and the comments. | ||
It's a Drake. | ||
It's all fire and hearts. | ||
Goddammit. | ||
Drake liked it? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
Yeah, it's over. | ||
It's all rappers in there and athletes. | ||
Black people. | ||
Fucking rock stars. | ||
Everybody's just slinging dick. | ||
Everybody's just slinging dick. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's a tough time. | ||
It is a tough time. | ||
They'll be alright. | ||
You don't think they're gonna be alright? | ||
No, it's gonna lead people to have sex with robots. | ||
That's coming. | ||
It's going to be tight. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I think you're going to go over a dude's house and he's going to have a robot lead. | ||
He's going to leave it out. | ||
You're going to go, oh. | ||
My buddy left his fleshlight in the shower when we lived together. | ||
Nice. | ||
That was tough. | ||
And I was like, dude, clean that up. | ||
And he came out with it dripping on the floor. | ||
No, he didn't. | ||
He was like, what, this? | ||
I was like, dude. | ||
After he washed it or after he did it? | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
It was water dripping, but still. | ||
You know, that was our first sponsor. | ||
Juice water. | ||
Flashlights? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You ever used one? | ||
Oh yeah! | ||
That was our sponsor. | ||
unidentified
|
It's too powerful, dude. | |
They're pretty good. | ||
It's too powerful. | ||
I had to throw mine out. | ||
You don't want that in your life. | ||
In a dumpster. | ||
You don't want that in your life. | ||
I couldn't put it in our trash. | ||
unidentified
|
It's too good. | |
I knew I'd fish it out. | ||
If you can't get laid though, it's as close to the physical feeling of a warm vagina touching your dick. | ||
I think it's better. | ||
Some guys would like soak them in hot water. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They'd warm them up. | ||
Warm them up. | ||
Fired up, dude. | ||
Get it to like 95 degrees. | ||
Feels like human contact. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Especially when I had mine. | ||
I was in a rough spot. | ||
Were you? | ||
In my life, yeah. | ||
I was in West Philly. | ||
I was in a... | ||
The room I had in my apartment was like... | ||
It jutted out of the back of the apartment. | ||
So it was freezing cold. | ||
It was the coldest room. | ||
I had a mattress on the floor. | ||
It was like a homeless person's room. | ||
Well, I guess that's not... | ||
You know what I mean. | ||
Like a crackhead. | ||
It's pretty close to a homeless person. | ||
And I was fucking a fleshlight in there. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
It was a low point. | ||
Yeah, but look at you now. | ||
10 million views on YouTube. | ||
That's the only difference. | ||
unidentified
|
Successful podcast. | |
Just more YouTube views. | ||
Killing it on the road. | ||
Come on, man. | ||
That's the beauty of it. | ||
You want to get one? | ||
For the road? | ||
For the road would be nice. | ||
Get one of those ones that looks like a beer can. | ||
Oh, they're making them fun? | ||
Yeah, they make them like beer. | ||
Oh, you mean to disguise it? | ||
Yeah. | ||
We had a bunch of them because they were our first sponsor. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's how we started on it. | ||
Do you know that? | ||
No. | ||
You got that flashlight, Monty? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
On It was started with Aubrey, who was the CEO of the Fleshlight, and me. | ||
Maybe he wasn't a CEO of the Fleshlight. | ||
Maybe he was a marketing director or something. | ||
So it's like his family owned the company, the Fleshlight company. | ||
So he reached out and said, do you guys want to have a sponsor on your podcast? | ||
We didn't have any sponsors. | ||
The podcast in the beginning, the idea that this is a big business is so hilarious. | ||
Because in the beginning, it was just so ridiculous how it was run. | ||
We just fucked around. | ||
We just would go online and fuck around. | ||
But as it started to grow... | ||
He was the first guy that said, hey, you guys should have a sponsor. | ||
So he had a meeting with us, and he told us about the flashlight. | ||
I'm like, that's hilarious. | ||
Hell yeah. | ||
Did you get a free sample? | ||
Oh, we got boxes of them. | ||
Have you still got those boxes? | ||
So those are the ones that look like a craft beer or something. | ||
A Doyle's is a butthole? | ||
Well, I think you can get whatever you want, neither can. | ||
That's wild, dude. | ||
So that was our first sponsor. | ||
And then Aubrey and I started talking about doing other stuff. | ||
And he said, like, if you were into supplements, what are you into? | ||
And I told him that I got really into nootropics because of this product called Neuro One that Bill Romanowski came up with, the football player. | ||
Yeah, I know Bill Romanowski. | ||
Yeah, his issues were with memory after all those fucking concussions. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Spitting in dude's faces. | ||
He was wild. | ||
unidentified
|
He's an animal, man. | |
He was wild. | ||
Those guys are animal. | ||
I had Derek Wolf on. | ||
I saw that. | ||
Did you see what he's talking about? | ||
When he walked into the arena, what he wanted to do to everyone that he saw? | ||
No. | ||
I didn't get to that. | ||
unidentified
|
He goes, I want to fucking murder all of you. | |
Just smash you and kill you. | ||
He's walking through the crowd thinking that he just really wants to run into the crowd and start smashing people. | ||
He's a monster. | ||
I love what you're saying. | ||
I mean, he didn't do anything. | ||
He's a nice guy, but those Viking instincts run deep, son. | ||
There's a dude who plays for the Bills. | ||
I was hanging out with a bunch of those guys. | ||
I did a show in Buffalo, and then we went out. | ||
And his name's Spencer Brown. | ||
He's a right tackle. | ||
I was on Mushrooms. | ||
I went, did I tell you this? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Dude, this was like the greatest night of my life. | ||
All right, hold on. | ||
This is the best night I've ever had. | ||
So I did a show in Buffalo. | ||
Then the next night, it was Sunday. | ||
On Sunday, we went to the game. | ||
Oh, I told you this. | ||
When Gabe Davis gave me his jersey, I looked like a Down syndrome guy. | ||
But that night, we went out to... | ||
Fucking Dave and Buster's. | ||
I took a ton of mushroom. | ||
Way more than I thought I took. | ||
I was fucked up. | ||
But then, it's like all the cool black dudes on the team were like hanging out, being cool. | ||
And then it was just me and like a white O-lineman. | ||
Spencer Brown is like 6'9". | ||
And I was just so high. | ||
I was like, dude, this is a Viking. | ||
This is an actual Viking. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Thank God we live today. | ||
unidentified
|
Thank God. | |
Where I'm watching him play fucking... | ||
Video games and arcade games. | ||
You gotta give people like that some kind of distraction. | ||
If that guy got into a town, it'd just be over. | ||
That's what it was, man. | ||
It's over. | ||
If you look at those guys in Iceland, you know, all those strongman dudes that come from Iceland, where do you think that comes from? | ||
Freaks, dude. | ||
Those are the freaks that were dominating the world back when people just had axes. | ||
A boat of those guys. | ||
Dude, until people figured out guns... | ||
Thank God. | ||
Thank God they figured out guns. | ||
Just a boat of those dudes. | ||
Can you imagine how rough the world would be? | ||
Yeah, Spencer Brown. | ||
6'8", 3'11". | ||
What the fuck? | ||
unidentified
|
I was watching him play, like, touch video games. | |
It's ridiculous. | ||
All mushrooms watching a 6'8", dude, play... | ||
Dude. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That gene line of those strong men, of those guys like Derek Wolf, like Thor, the Game of Thrones guy, the mountain from Game of Thrones, that's a gene line of the people who conquered the world with axes. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what that is. | ||
It's so nuts that that wasn't that long ago. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what's really crazy, right? | ||
Like at any point in time in the world, in any one moment, things can break out that are real similar to the way life was during the Viking days. | ||
It just doesn't happen very often. | ||
You know, it breaks off less and less and less over time. | ||
But it's still there in us. | ||
And if it wasn't for football and the UFC and pro boxing and like all those sports are like It's like a bridge to civility. | ||
It's like a bridge to a peaceful civilization. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Especially martial arts. | ||
Like a bridge to a peaceful civilization. | ||
Because you allow these people that have this fucking thing inside them to express themselves in a legal way, and they're rewarded for it hugely. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And you get to scream. | ||
You're like, yeah! | ||
Fuck yeah! | ||
Fucking kill him! | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, you think of some of the shit that like Hamzat Chemayev says after his fights. | ||
I fucking killed him all! | ||
I killed him all! | ||
unidentified
|
I don't work well! | |
I killed him all! | ||
unidentified
|
Like, bro, when you're interviewing him, it's a wild ride. | |
Yeah, we were talking about that last night at dinner. | ||
I was like, dude, what's your favorite interviews? | ||
Yeah, I think Derrick Lewis is always going to be my favorite just because it was so fucking hilarious. | ||
Dude just took his shorts off. | ||
He's the coolest, man. | ||
He's the coolest. | ||
The other one though, not the balls are hot, the fucking him beating the Russian up and being like, I talked to Donald Trump last night. | ||
Oh yeah, that was the other one. | ||
So I got to take care of this fucking Russian for you. | ||
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
Back in the day, Chael Sonnen was the best guy to interview. | ||
It's in my algorithm. | ||
He would put on a show. | ||
I get Chael Sonnen clips constantly. | ||
He's a smart dude, man. | ||
And back in the day, he was the first guy to really figure out pro wrestling style promotion with legit fight skills. | ||
I mean, he almost beat Anderson Silva. | ||
He almost won that fight. | ||
If he didn't get caught in that triangle in the last round, he would have won that fight. | ||
And it was a grueling fucking fight, and he just kept taking Anderson down. | ||
He beat the shit out of Nate Marquardt when Nate Marquardt was in his prime. | ||
Like, he was a real fighter. | ||
He just was not Jon Jones. | ||
There's like levels even to savages, which is so crazy. | ||
Chael is like a little smaller, too. | ||
He really shouldn't have been fighting the guys that were in that John Jones range 205. John's cutting to get to 205. Chael's fighting at 185. Like, sketchy. | ||
Like, at Anderson and him, they fought at 185. John is big, dude. | ||
He's big. | ||
Big and long and strong as fuck. | ||
That's too big. | ||
Remember when John and him fought? | ||
It was a mauling. | ||
It was a horrific mauling. | ||
He fought tail sonic? | ||
Yeah, John beat him up so bad that he broke his own toe pushing off the ground, smashing him. | ||
Pretty sure that's how he broke his toe. | ||
He broke his toe for sure in that fight. | ||
There was that crossover in the UFC where dudes started being an athlete. | ||
Not saying Chael Sonnen wasn't an athlete, but you know what I mean? | ||
There was that switchover phase. | ||
There definitely is a switchover phase, but I think with Chael, I really would attribute it more to he's being around during the greatest of the greats at 85. Anderson Silva in his prime was one of the greatest of the greats. | ||
Anderson Silva, he gets left out of the GOAT competition because after the Chris Weidman fight where he broke his leg, he had a bunch of fights where he didn't perform like the Anderson of old. | ||
So I think people forgot how good he was when he was in his prime. | ||
Who is in the GOAT conversation? | ||
Obviously Jon Jones. | ||
Jon Jones is number one now. | ||
Is Khabib? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, he's in there. | ||
He's undefeated, barely lost a round in his entire career. | ||
He had one controversial fight. | ||
With Glace and Tebow back in the day, but I think it was a fair decision, but he dominated everybody at the top. | ||
Dominated everybody. | ||
And he did it with fucking just a ruthless intensity, fantastic wrestling. | ||
Usman was. | ||
Yeah, up until the Leon Edwards fight, I was telling everybody, I think Usman's the greatest welterweight of all time. | ||
If you look at what he's done and who he did it to, the way he knocked out Jorge Masvidal, he started out as a wrestler. | ||
He started out as a wrestler, and all of a sudden he's flatlining people on the feet, and you're flatlining a skilled striker in Masvidal. | ||
Masvidal, he's a slick guy on the feet. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That was a tough one, too. | ||
He was all sweaty, that fucking mist off that punch when he hit him. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, when you think about the way Masvidal knocked out Ben Askren, Masvidal knocked out Darren Till, like, Masvidal's a scary guy. | ||
I wish that didn't happen with Askren. | ||
That was a rough one. | ||
I wish Ben got a chance to wrestle. | ||
That was a rough one. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That was a rough one. | ||
But that's how smart he is. | ||
He knew Ben and his instincts were going to be there. | ||
You ever see the video of him training that very move? | ||
Yes. | ||
That's a bummer. | ||
That's a bummer. | ||
When you look online and be like, fuck, you knew he was going to do that? | ||
Bro, his knockout of Darren Till was brutal. | ||
Fucking brutal. | ||
He's knocked out a lot of really good guys, man. | ||
So when Usman destroyed him, I'm like, wow. | ||
He might have felt the highest level of competition because he beats Tyron Woodley, who was one of the best welterweights ever. | ||
He destroys Tyron, right? | ||
Runs right through him. | ||
He's dominant fashion, wins a five-round decision. | ||
There's no question at all he's the new champion. | ||
Then he beats Colby Covington, who is about as good as it gets in that division other than Usman. | ||
Colby's a fucking animal. | ||
Unbelievable cardio, tough as fuck. | ||
And even though Kamara broke his jaw, he was still there in the last round. | ||
He was upset when they stopped it. | ||
Did he break his jaw? | ||
I think he did. | ||
I want to be sure of that, though. | ||
He definitely fucked his... | ||
He fucked his mouth up. | ||
He dropped him, and he hit him with some really good shots. | ||
But Kobe was saying, even at the end, like, hey, I could have made it through that. | ||
Which is like... | ||
Kobe's fucking cool, man. | ||
That's how tough that dude is. | ||
He's undeniably tough. | ||
So Kamaru beats him, and he beats him twice. | ||
And he hurt him pretty fucking bad in the second fight. | ||
And Kobe got through. | ||
So you gotta like... | ||
How good Colby is. | ||
And if Camaro's beating him like that, and then Camaro was beating Leon Edwards, for the most part. | ||
Yeah, there it is. | ||
He dropped him. | ||
You gotta remember, he stopped Gilbert Burns. | ||
You know, Gilbert Burns is a fucking animal. | ||
You saw the Gilbert Burns-Hamza Chimaez fight, you know? | ||
So Kamaru stopped him. | ||
I feel like you look at the caliber of the opponents that he's faced as a champion and how he's beaten them. | ||
I kind of put him up into the Leon Edwards fight. | ||
I kind of put him up there with everybody. | ||
God, that Leon kick, though. | ||
He might have been the best welterweight ever, but that Leon kick, man, that changed the world. | ||
And then this weekend they're fighting again, which is so crazy, dude. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That fight's so intense. | ||
Where are they fighting? | ||
In England. | ||
Oh, Leon. | ||
That's going to be awesome, man. | ||
Leon's own talent, son. | ||
Yeah, he can sleep at his own bed and defend the world title in England. | ||
I... Well, I don't want to make any predictions. | ||
I'm 0 for 1. What do you think? | ||
I said Cyril gone, Jon Jones. | ||
I was like, I think Cyril's going to win this thing, dude. | ||
Ten seconds in, I was like, whoops. | ||
That wasn't a good bet. | ||
Here it is, man. | ||
One of the craziest... | ||
unidentified
|
Look how beautiful that kick is, too. | |
Look at that. | ||
Bro, just the sound of that. | ||
Shin to chin. | ||
Play that sound again. | ||
The sound of shin to chin. | ||
unidentified
|
But that is not the cloth from which he is cut. | |
I mean that is a dejected... | ||
Oh! No! | ||
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
Oh! | ||
There it is! | ||
Bro. | ||
Oh my gosh! | ||
Hello! Bro. | ||
I don't think he knew that was coming. | ||
I don't think Leon knew that was coming. | ||
He set it up. | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
No, I mean, the whole time I saw the... | ||
unidentified
|
But I think when he landed it, he was like, oh, shit. | |
Well, it was perfect. | ||
And it was because he ducked to his right. | ||
I saw him set it up a couple times. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's a video of his trainer. | ||
He's like, come on! | ||
Come on, Leon! | ||
It's like a Rocky movie! | ||
You gotta pull it out of the fire, Leon! | ||
It's literally like a Rocky movie. | ||
Have you ever seen it where they put the Rocky music behind it? | ||
He's screaming at him, and then Leon goes up there and lands that kick. | ||
Yeah, I think he's in trouble. | ||
unidentified
|
Come on, we're gonna pull back one now, it's one one. | |
Come on, come on Leon. | ||
Come on, don't make him bully you, Leon. | ||
Don't let him bully you son. | ||
It's so nice dude. | ||
Right here, this is where he's... | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
One more drink. | ||
Listen, stop feeling sorry for your f***ing shot. | ||
Well, come on, then. | ||
What's wrong with you? | ||
unidentified
|
You're too f***ing down. | |
You've got to pull the f*** out of the fire. | ||
unidentified
|
Stay short. | |
Come on, Leon, man. | ||
You got it, man. | ||
Come on. | ||
You got me. | ||
Sharp shoots on the cusses. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Come on, Leon. | ||
Come on. | ||
Let's go. | ||
You had him. | ||
Can you do it again? | ||
That's great. | ||
Come on, f***ing hand him. | ||
unidentified
|
This weekend's gonna be wild. | |
Kamaru Usman seems very intense. | ||
Yeah, no shit. | ||
I'm watching all the UFC shows that they do. | ||
You know, they do all the boxing stuff. | ||
It's like, fuck, man. | ||
He's intense. | ||
He's gonna want this. | ||
Yeah, he's intense. | ||
This is gonna be a wild one. | ||
I think this is gonna be a wild one. | ||
I think Kamaru is gonna be very aggressive. | ||
I think, in his eyes, he won 24 minutes of that fight. | ||
He did? | ||
Not really. | ||
Oh, really? | ||
No, he got taken down the first round and he got mounted. | ||
And he got his back taken. | ||
Leon was the first guy to ever take him down. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
I remember that. | ||
Leon took him down. | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
Leon took him down in the first round. | ||
Because I was cheering for Leon and I remember being, even while with the bias of cheering for him, I was like, fuck, there's no chance he wins this. | ||
Well, when they first fought, Leon was not really much into grappling. | ||
He was like an expert striker. | ||
And Kamara was such a good wrestler. | ||
He just kept taking him down. | ||
He beat him by decision. | ||
But in this fight, it definitely showed a big leap in Leon's grappling ability. | ||
So Leon got him with a trip here. | ||
Look at this. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
And got on top of him. | ||
Full mount. | ||
Round one? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Round one. | ||
And if you watch that, Kamaru has a bad knee. | ||
He has bad knees, period. | ||
But if you watch that, the way he goes down. | ||
Yeah, it looked bad. | ||
Watch the way he goes down. | ||
It's very bad. | ||
Watch his right knee. | ||
Oh. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Not good at all. | ||
Not good. | ||
Like that, the pressure that's on that thing as he's going down, like from there, like watch it, from there. | ||
Look at that right there. | ||
I mean that is a lot of pressure on that knee. | ||
The way his foot is planted, a lot of pressure. | ||
Do you see that John from that Chael Sonnen fight, he always has to tape his toes? | ||
Because his toe broke and flipped around. | ||
It was his toe, the bottom of his toe was facing upward. | ||
And we didn't realize it until I was talking to him. | ||
We're in the octagon, and I'm interviewing him after he beat Chael Sonnen, and he looked down. | ||
He's like, oh my god, my toe. | ||
And then we looked, and we're like, oh, okay. | ||
So John's toe. | ||
Yo, dude! | ||
So that was just from him. | ||
That's the strength of him pushing off while he's smashing. | ||
Just smashing. | ||
It was a brutal fight, man. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
It was a brutal fight. | ||
I mean, John beat the ever-loving shit out of Chael Sonnen in this fight. | ||
It was absolutely brutal. | ||
I know, isn't that nasty? | ||
That's worse than the snake. | ||
So now, to this day, he has to tape his toes up. | ||
There was actually a controversy at the last fight. | ||
Now, foot stomp him. | ||
Well, I think when you rip it and flip it over like that, I don't know what they would have to do to get it to be stable again. | ||
I think it's probably a little... | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's a little weak. | ||
Because it's such a catastrophic injury. | ||
If your toe flip all the way around like that. | ||
I was going to ask you who he's going to kill next, but it's Stipe. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Stipe and him are going to fight. | ||
That's going to be a different fight. | ||
But I remember... | ||
Stipe has way better wrestling than Serial Gon. | ||
Stipe's got a shit ton of experience. | ||
I remember thinking Stipe was going to die when he fought Ngannou the first time. | ||
When he beat Ngannou. | ||
Yeah, that was pretty wild. | ||
I mean, that showed how durable he is. | ||
He just survived that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That showed how durable he is. | ||
But there's other fights that show, like, you can't sleep on Stipe's stand-up skills. | ||
Like, Stipe's a very good boxer. | ||
Very good striker. | ||
Remember when he fought DC and he kept ripping him with that left hook to the body? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, he hit him with a couple of those, and then DC was fucked. | ||
That was one of those where I was watching it. | ||
It's like when you're playing a video game and you don't know how to block. | ||
He just keeps throwing it. | ||
He can't stop it. | ||
Well, he just did it very skillfully, man. | ||
I'm telling you. | ||
He would show you the jab and then dig under. | ||
And he did it multiple times. | ||
That's the side of the liver. | ||
When you get hit on the liver, dude, it is a horrible feeling. | ||
Your whole body, it's like you get electrically shocked. | ||
It's like... | ||
Yeah, look at that over and over again. | ||
I just kept digging to his body. | ||
So the thing is, it's like, Stipe is not Cyril Gaon. | ||
Stipe is the most successful UFC heavyweight champion ever. | ||
He defended the title more than anybody. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, I know that Francis knocked him out in his last fight, so people just will dismiss. | ||
They'll say, oh, maybe he's washed up, or maybe these guys are better, or maybe, but that fucking guy's been counted out from the beginning. | ||
I mean, he fought Fabricio Verdum in Brazil and flatlined him. | ||
That was when Fabricio was the fucking man. | ||
But Fabricio like chased after Stipe and Stipe just cracked him with the right hand and dropped him. | ||
It's like an amazing- you ever see that fight? | ||
No. | ||
Watch this. | ||
Stipe Miocic knocking out Fabricio Verdum. | ||
So Fabricio- this is like in Brazil. | ||
I'm pretty sure it was in Brazil. | ||
But it was when Fabricio was the heavyweight champion. | ||
So Fabricio had submitted Cain Velasquez. | ||
He became the UFC heavyweight champion. | ||
I gotta show you some football highlights. | ||
Okay. | ||
I'll get you some. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
Alright. | ||
So watch this. | ||
Watch this fight. | ||
Fabrice over Doom just got real aggressive and started coming after him. | ||
Boom! | ||
Watch this. | ||
What is he doing? | ||
Bro, how good is that? | ||
Why was he doing that? | ||
Because he thought he could get to him. | ||
He thought he could get to him. | ||
And also, he got stung there. | ||
Oh, he thought he was hurt. | ||
He's just being very aggressive. | ||
Do you know how beautiful that is? | ||
Do you know how skillful that is? | ||
Like, just watch that one more time. | ||
Just the slide back and then the punch. | ||
That's so hard to do, man. | ||
Watch this. | ||
Boom! | ||
While he's moving away in full throttle, he uncorks a perfect right hand. | ||
That motherfucker is an athlete. | ||
Look at that. | ||
So you can't sleep on that dude. | ||
Yeah, but he looks like a guy who's drunk at the beach. | ||
Well, he's probably drunk at the beach sometimes. | ||
He's got the shorts, he's got that back tattoo. | ||
Guy's a fucking animal. | ||
Underrated. | ||
Hugely underrated. | ||
And also, one of the things I'm interested in is it seems like he put on some weight. | ||
He put on some mass, which I think will probably be a good thing with these bigger heavyweights. | ||
You know, I think he tried to have more endurance and come in lighter for Francis and try to tire Francis out. | ||
But in the second Francis fight, Francis fought like this very patient style. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
Which is so dangerous. | ||
Well, he gassed on the first one, though. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, the first one, he just tried to knock him out. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And the second one, he took his time, which was terrifying. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
You know, because all those shots that land, everyone that lands, like your power bar is just like... | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
And Ghanu's another one, dude. | ||
Can you imagine that guy? | ||
Getting wild on you. | ||
You're Jesus. | ||
Running through a town. | ||
I'm so bummed that he left the UFC. I mean, I want that dude to make all the money. | ||
I want him to make all the money. | ||
Go make all that money in boxing. | ||
I'm happy for him, but I really wish that Jones and him fought. | ||
Because, God damn, that would be crazy. | ||
That'd be fun. | ||
You can't zig when you shoulda zagged with Francis O'Connor. | ||
You can't make any mistakes, man. | ||
That guy touches your chin, you're in a world of shit. | ||
It's tomorrow. | ||
You're in a world of shit. | ||
He's a totally different thing. | ||
His power makes it a totally different thing that you're doing. | ||
Because with some guys, you can make little mistakes. | ||
You get hit, you get shit, you move around, you get rocked a little. | ||
With him, it's just sleep. | ||
It's just bing! | ||
It's like, oh no! | ||
So that's in a lot of people's eyes. | ||
Your wife is holding your head and you're like, oh no! | ||
Like, when a guy will fight someone that doesn't have, like, dangerous striking, there's, like, a noticeable, like, relaxed sort of in the interactions. | ||
It's like, you know you don't have to be too scared. | ||
So you can get closer to them. | ||
You could, like, avoid some shots. | ||
But when someone has nuclear power, like Francis, there's not a thing you can do that doesn't put you in range of getting flatlined. | ||
And so you're always thinking about it. | ||
Look at that fucking upper gun, bro. | ||
Dude. | ||
What's your problem? | ||
That fucking power is so preposterous. | ||
That fucking ovarian punch? | ||
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|
Oof. | |
The ovarian punch was insane. | ||
But I mean, he knocked out Cain Velasquez in the first round. | ||
I mean, I just, I fucking think he can knock out anybody, man. | ||
I think it's just a matter of whether or not he hits your chin. | ||
I just think that power is just too extraordinary. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
And he's become so skillful. | ||
That was the thing that was really remarkable about the Stipe fight. | ||
Like, he fought very skillful. | ||
It wasn't just that he's explosive and powerful. | ||
He was patient and just, you know, being very tactical. | ||
Was attacking with leg kicks and that fucking power. | ||
Jesus. | ||
Look, if we're talking UFC, I'm excited for Adesanya. | ||
Oh yeah, the rematch. | ||
It's going to be fun, dude. | ||
Yeah, it's very, very interesting. | ||
Very, very interesting. | ||
Here's the interesting thing. | ||
What if Izzy's leg wasn't fucked up? | ||
Izzy was winning that. | ||
What if Izzy was winning? | ||
He was waiting on the scorecards. | ||
But what if Izzy prepared more to avoid that low calf kick? | ||
Like, what if it became a more crucial part of his training? | ||
Which is what we're going to probably see. | ||
Because the calf kick was a giant issue. | ||
He was saying that the foot got really fucked up and he couldn't move right. | ||
And you could see it when I rewatched it. | ||
I was like, yeah, you could see it. | ||
And Pejera lands a bunch of ruthless calf kicks in the first round. | ||
That guy's a fucker, dude. | ||
He's a motherfucker, dude. | ||
He's the scariest motherfucker in that division. | ||
You know one of the meanest thing UFC's done? | ||
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|
What? | |
Is Izzy was on the cover of the video game. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
They changed it. | ||
For Arizona. | ||
Wow. | ||
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|
Yeah. | |
That's rude. | ||
It's fucked up, dude. | ||
That's rude. | ||
It's fucked up. | ||
Izzy's still the man. | ||
Yeah, obviously. | ||
Listen, Izzy almost had him out in the first round. | ||
The first round, the first round, with seconds to go, he lands that right hand. | ||
Ba-bank! | ||
Like, right on the chin. | ||
Rocks him. | ||
And then there was a left hook that landed as well that was, like, on the bell. | ||
Like, at the bell. | ||
But... | ||
Izzy's so important to the black anime culture. | ||
Black dorks finally have a fucking champion, dude. | ||
A dude who loves anime? | ||
A guy who loves anime can fucking love. | ||
And what courage. | ||
I love that he just decided to get right back in there. | ||
It's just not much time. | ||
That guy's cool. | ||
He might be the coolest guy. | ||
He's very cool. | ||
Very cool. | ||
Who's the coolest guy? | ||
He might be the coolest. | ||
Might be him. | ||
Yeah, might be him. | ||
Pound for pound, coolest UFC guy? | ||
Yeah, might be him. | ||
Who's cooler? | ||
Who could be cooler? | ||
Ah, Conor. | ||
Yeah, Conor's pretty fucking cool. | ||
Conor's up there. | ||
He's very cool. | ||
Colby Covington. | ||
Listen, that fucking guy's smart. | ||
What he did, I've talked to him, he's a very nice guy. | ||
And he's real good friends with my friend Cam Haynes. | ||
He's a very smart guy. | ||
And what was going on was that he was gonna get cut from his fucking contract. | ||
And they were saying, dude, you're boring, you're just wrestling with people. | ||
Now I'm the MAGA guy. | ||
And so he goes over to Brazil and just starts talking mad shit. | ||
Beats up Damien Maia and talks mad shit. | ||
Just talked mad shit. | ||
Too bad you gotta do that. | ||
Well, you don't have to do it. | ||
Because, you know, there's guys who don't do it. | ||
You don't have to do it. | ||
I mean, Pejera doesn't do it. | ||
You don't have to do it. | ||
Yeah, but you can be a freak. | ||
You can be a scary freak and not talk. | ||
That's one method. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like everybody has their own way of approaching it. | ||
You know? | ||
And some guys, they approach it. | ||
Dude, I forget who it was. | ||
Who the fuck is that guy? | ||
Who the fuck is that guy? | ||
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|
I'm the real fight. | |
I'm the 155. | ||
Who the fuck is that guy? | ||
It's just fucking amazing. | ||
Oh, no. | ||
It was amazing. | ||
I mean, he's so good on the mic. | ||
Conor's so good on the mic. | ||
But Chael Sonnen was the original. | ||
That's what I was saying about that before. | ||
He was the first guy that brought a pro wrestling heel character to MMA with legit fighting skills. | ||
He wasn't really a 205-er. | ||
His shit talk is hilarious. | ||
He was an elite 85-er, though. | ||
He was an elite 85-er. | ||
And he was fucking great. | ||
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|
Anderson Silva, you absolutely suck! | |
That was early, too. | ||
It was amazing! | ||
That dude's drinking Mickeys. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
Get him! | ||
It's hilarious. | ||
I got a good one, a good highlight. | ||
Sean Taylor vs. | ||
Punter, Pro Bowl. | ||
It's a fun one. | ||
You want to see what happens when a normal human tries to run the ball in the NFL? Oh no. | ||
It's pretty great. | ||
It's also the Pro Bowl where you're not supposed to kill people. | ||
So you're not supposed to kill people in the Pro Bowl? | ||
Look at this normal human trying to run. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Bro, that's like a car accident. | ||
Look at him celebrating. | ||
They're like, yeah, fuck you. | ||
Bro, he used himself as a human missile. | ||
Look at that. | ||
He's like a human missile. | ||
Dude, Sean Taylor was... | ||
You know, that's one of the things that Jon Jones says about his brother Chandler. | ||
He goes, I was grabbing his wrists while he was sitting down. | ||
And Chandler basically lifted him up with his wrists. | ||
And he goes, I've never felt strength like that in my life. | ||
He's like, we're just lucky that guy's not fighting. | ||
Those football guys are terrifying. | ||
Terrifying. | ||
Those dudes that can hit... | ||
Even Mike Allstott highlights. | ||
Do you know Mike Allstott? | ||
No. | ||
Dude, he's a white man running the football, dude. | ||
Yeah? | ||
It's our last great. | ||
Well, obviously Christian McCaffrey, dude. | ||
Christian McCaffrey runs the ball. | ||
No, Mike Allstott was just a jacked... | ||
He just ran straight. | ||
My problem is I know too much about MMA, so I don't have any room for anything else. | ||
I'm sure I'd love football. | ||
Football is so fucking cool. | ||
I'm sure I'd love football. | ||
But my brain is like... | ||
UFC's pretty awesome, dude. | ||
For me, that's enough. | ||
I hear you. | ||
I can't only watch so much sports, but for me, like, that's... | ||
This is what I always say. | ||
If two guys are playing basketball and there becomes a dispute and one guy beats the other guy in basketball, the other guy can say, yeah, but I can still beat your ass. | ||
But if somebody beats your ass, you can't say, yeah, but I can beat you in basketball because nobody cares. | ||
That's the difference. | ||
What if you cared about basketball? | ||
Well, listen, basketball is an awesome sport. | ||
What if two stand-ups? | ||
One guy's an open-miker that does jiu-jitsu. | ||
One guy's Louis C.K. He whoops his ass. | ||
And Louis can be like, yeah, at least I can do stand-up. | ||
Yeah, that's different, though. | ||
Because now you're comparing... | ||
His art is undeniable. | ||
No one cares if Louis can do jiu-jitsu. | ||
unidentified
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He's a fucking amazing stand-up. | |
But I'm saying in terms of physical competition... | ||
We're only talking about physical competition. | ||
It's just like a thing that what all sports are, it's like this expression of male dominance or female dominance. | ||
It's like this expression of becoming, like whatever it is, whether it's basketball or soccer, it's like being the ultimate dominator through a game. | ||
You ever see soccer fights? | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Dude, it's so funny. | ||
I love how they fake. | ||
If they get touched, they all fly. | ||
Yeah, they just flop to the ground. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Jamie, how are we looking on a Mike Allstad highlight, dude? | ||
What's going on here? | ||
This guy is the one that no one in the NBA fucks with. | ||
Oh, Steven Adams. | ||
He just picked this guy up and carried him away for fucking with his teammate. | ||
He's from New Zealand. | ||
No one fucks with this guy. | ||
Why? | ||
Because he's a monster. | ||
Oh, Jesus. | ||
He's like 6'11". | ||
He's 7 feet tall. | ||
He looks like fucking Aquaman, dude. | ||
unidentified
|
He just carried that guy. | |
He does some training. | ||
Show me how he did that again. | ||
Well, he got double underhooks. | ||
Look at that. | ||
He just hoists him. | ||
Yeah, there's another NBA guy that does jujitsu that I think no one fucking can do. | ||
He held his shoulder like a kid. | ||
Bro, look at this. | ||
He hoisted him up in the air and just started walking with him. | ||
He's also a giant dude, too. | ||
It's not like he's a small guy. | ||
I know. | ||
Look at that. | ||
That's crazy. | ||
Nope, get away. | ||
This fight's over. | ||
So, like, no fights happen when he's there, for sure, because he's the intimidator. | ||
I'm such a big John Moran fan now. | ||
That's a good way to do it, too. | ||
Like, you didn't hurt him. | ||
You just said, let's go for a walk. | ||
That's such a bummer. | ||
That's a bummer, dude. | ||
Getting carried by another man. | ||
Away. | ||
Away. | ||
Such a bummer. | ||
Such a bummer. | ||
I was doing pictures with fans once after a show. | ||
This fucking big dude with like a weird mustache. | ||
He wanted to take a picture and he goes, could I carry you in the picture? | ||
I go, what? | ||
No. | ||
I go, like a baby? | ||
Is that what you're saying? | ||
Like, carry me? | ||
You're being mean? | ||
Is that what you're saying? | ||
You're trying to be disrespectful? | ||
No, no, no, he wasn't. | ||
He just really wanted to carry me in the picture. | ||
Alright. | ||
There's something off about this dude. | ||
Oh, he wasn't trying to be a dickhead. | ||
No, I think he was just, like, real weird. | ||
Just a fucking weird psycho? | ||
But real and big. | ||
Just real weird and big. | ||
And he wanted to carry me. | ||
Like, it didn't seem like he was being... | ||
unidentified
|
Did he have a knife for you? | |
Like, I gotta stab this fucking guy. | ||
It didn't seem like he was being rude. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
No! | ||
It didn't seem like he was being rude. | ||
Back at the fishing hole. | ||
I'm 13 again. | ||
This fucking fire teacher's trying to suck my dick. | ||
Probably would have been terrifying. | ||
It would have been very scary, but I'll tell you what, that guy would have sucked the soul out of you, dude. | ||
That guy's been jogging thinking about it for years, dude. | ||
That guy would have... | ||
unidentified
|
You would have launched into that fucking dude's mouth. | |
You'd never be the same, dude. | ||
Dude, a blowjob where you have everything to lose while you're giving it? | ||
It's a fucking strong blowjob. | ||
Imagine the crazy... | ||
I'm not advocating for pedophilia. | ||
Imagine the crazy feeling like a 25-year-old hot teacher has fucking one of her 16-year-old students. | ||
It's about as hot as it gets. | ||
Yeah, some 16-year-old quarterback, he's asking her about English work, and she goes, well, if you come to my house, I can help you with some of your English work. | ||
He goes over to her house, and she has a glass of wine already. | ||
Stop, dude, stop. | ||
And next thing you know, they're sitting on the couch, and she's talking to him, you know, I'm concerned, because some girls are bad. | ||
And, you know, sometimes a man just needs sexual release. | ||
Stop, dude. | ||
This is a genre. | ||
I whack off to this. | ||
The kid's like, are you sure? | ||
unidentified
|
I mean, is this okay? | |
Yes, it's okay. | ||
Stop. | ||
Yes, it's okay. | ||
No one's gonna care. | ||
Nobody feels bad about those porns. | ||
No one's gonna care. | ||
If you show me a porn where there's like a 21-year-old guy banging a 45-year-old chick who lifts weights, I'm in. | ||
Nobody's getting hurt there. | ||
Oh, you're like jack ladies. | ||
Yeah, you do. | ||
Old ladies work out. | ||
I'm a little jacked. | ||
A little jack's fun. | ||
A little bit. | ||
Nothing crazy. | ||
Yeah, one of the girls, I had sex with a girl that was getting strong. | ||
And it fucked me up, dude. | ||
No, I was from behind. | ||
She had, like, traps. | ||
unidentified
|
And I was like, what the fuck? | |
Took me out of it. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
Traps is rough. | ||
Yeah, that's a male Vanderlei Silva look. | ||
Yeah, that's a bummer. | ||
Oh, no. | ||
Thick neck. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Traps. | |
And I'm nothing. | ||
I'm not working out at all. | ||
I'm playing Xbox. | ||
Maybe that's what they want. | ||
Some girls like that. | ||
Like a nice slob, dude. | ||
A potato. | ||
They just want to be the pit bull. | ||
Yeah, I like that. | ||
I like that. | ||
With their traps. | ||
I like that. | ||
Traps, big forearms. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Big ol' veiny forearms. | ||
I went to a strip club in London, Ontario last week. | ||
And there was a lady, she was going wild, dude. | ||
She was a pit bull. | ||
She was like, they'd just bring people on stage and just... | ||
Everybody in Canada was putting money in their mouth at this strip club. | ||
Every single one of them would be... | ||
What happened to COVID? The first stripper that was with me was like... | ||
Opened her mouth. | ||
What? | ||
I was like, I don't want to put money. | ||
You don't want money in your mouth. | ||
I'm giving a stripper health advice. | ||
I don't want to do that. | ||
Put it in your thing. | ||
Dudes would put money in their mouth and lay on stage on their back. | ||
And the stripper would come and take it with her butt. | ||
It's pretty fun. | ||
But anyway, the point of the story... | ||
Mouth seems very unsanitary. | ||
Definitely. | ||
For sure, right? | ||
Yeah, they're going to get a fucked up disease. | ||
And doesn't most money, there's at least a really good percentage of money that has cocaine on it? | ||
Hundreds, I believe, has the highest percentage, but yes. | ||
So if you're one of those people that gets... | ||
unidentified
|
That's a bummer. | |
That's a bummer. | ||
Yeah, that's a bummer. | ||
That's a sad line. | ||
All I got is a one. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
But no, this lady was dancing. | ||
She was fucking dudes up. | ||
Dudes would go on stage. | ||
My buddy went on stage and she tried to take his belt and whip him. | ||
And he was like, no. | ||
He was like, stop whipping. | ||
But then she was dominating this guy. | ||
And I was like, something's going on. | ||
And then she lifted her arm and she had armpit hair. | ||
And I was like, what the fuck? | ||
It just ruined it, dude. | ||
Immediately. | ||
I was into it. | ||
I was all in. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
Armpit hair got me. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
Armpit hair doesn't bother me at all. | ||
No. | ||
Doesn't bother me. | ||
So wait, you like jack ladies with armpit hair? | ||
Yeah, a little bit of armpit hair. | ||
You're getting close, dude. | ||
You're so close. | ||
That's as close as it gets. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Yeah, like a good buzz cut. | ||
I like them bald. | ||
I like a bald lady. | ||
She could wear a wig. | ||
unidentified
|
You could be a different hairstyle every night. | |
Oh my god. | ||
Damn, that fisherman might have got you, dude. | ||
Might have set you off. | ||
Imagine. | ||
I could have got you. | ||
I never had a priest. | ||
What if I did stab him? | ||
What if he killed me because I stabbed him? | ||
You know, there's so many things that could have happened there. | ||
I don't know what that guy got fired for, but he was a teacher. | ||
I bet he got fired for fucking kids. | ||
Yeah, you can't do shit like that. | ||
You ever have a priest? | ||
No, you weren't Catholic, were you? | ||
Yeah, I was Catholic. | ||
Yeah, but I dodged the priests. | ||
I never had a priest really go for it, but I remember one time I was in confession, and it was right when we were all starting to whack off, so the priest, he like asked. | ||
I was in the middle of confession and he was like, do you spill seed? | ||
He said, do you spill seed? | ||
And I thought it was like a biblical reference. | ||
Like some type of proverb where like, you know? | ||
So I was like, yes. | ||
Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
I thought it was like a saying for sinning. | ||
Right. | ||
Like, I don't know, some story where the guy dropped seeds. | ||
And then I started to slowly realize that he was asking me about coming. | ||
Oh my God. | ||
He wasn't, I don't know. | ||
That's a weird job. | ||
Being a priest, asking fucking eighth graders if they're whacking off. | ||
It's not appropriate. | ||
And it's also... | ||
The problem with any job where you have to be celibate. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Any job where you have to be celibate. | ||
Like, who's going to sign up for that? | ||
Here's the thing. | ||
It's not like they get better seats in heaven. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Like, why are you doing that? | ||
Like, you're doing that because you're called to that duty? | ||
A good priest, that is cool. | ||
I do think that is cool. | ||
A good priest is cool, but the idea that they should be celibate, you're going to eliminate a lot of people that don't want that job. | ||
The dudes that are like, fuck it, I'll just be a priest. | ||
Like, if you're, like, thinking about what job you want to have, and you're like, ah, I'll just fucking... | ||
Just be a priest. | ||
Some people do do that because they're raised Catholic. | ||
And they're like, look, if I do it, I'm 100% guaranteed in. | ||
You know? | ||
All you have to do is like- You gotta go to school. | ||
You don't have to go to school. | ||
You're in there. | ||
You're a priest now. | ||
You gotta go to seminary for fucking seven years. | ||
And people treat you well if you're a priest. | ||
It's a respected part of the community. | ||
It's funny how much they're kind of... | ||
Oh, dude. | ||
My friend Matt... | ||
You met Matt McCusker. | ||
We were laughing so hard about... | ||
Like, a priest, you got a fucking pretty easy job. | ||
You're set up. | ||
You live next to the church. | ||
You go do this. | ||
But then every once in a while, you got to get hit with a dude confession that's just like, I sucked my friend's dick at golf. | ||
unidentified
|
You're like... | |
What? | ||
Like, dude's hitting you with confessions. | ||
And then you look out and see him in chairs. | ||
Like, while you're performing mass, you look out, there's a guy like... | ||
You see, you're like, oh, that's a guy who blows his friends. | ||
You know? | ||
You know the whole congregation's secrets. | ||
That was a thing that they invented purely so that they could, like, spy on people. | ||
Well, not blackmail. | ||
They wanted to know who was doing what. | ||
And if you could give people an out that allows you to go to heaven, but you have to tell. | ||
You've got to tell on yourself. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But then I'll tell you, you're going to do a bunch of Hail Marys, and it's going to be good. | ||
You're still going to go to heaven. | ||
Like a completely human-created loophole. | ||
Just to acquire data. | ||
That's what it is. | ||
Yeah, it was pre-Google. | ||
Yeah, they were just acquiring data on the people. | ||
It's fucked up. | ||
I just had a revelation. | ||
I think that's... | ||
I tell on myself. | ||
Do you? | ||
Yeah, I was raised Catholic my whole life. | ||
When I was a kid, I was telling myself. | ||
It's built into the system. | ||
I felt like when I was a young kid, I remember I went to Catholic school for one year and I had this nun that was teaching the class. | ||
I didn't have a priest. | ||
We had a nun. | ||
And her name was Sister Mary Josephine, and she was so mean. | ||
Yeah, we had Sister Michael Ann. | ||
We all had wild names. | ||
She was so mean, dude. | ||
She was so mean. | ||
She would tell you that she's going to make you sit on a nail in the closet, and you better bring your pajamas because you're staying here tonight. | ||
Kids would cry. | ||
We'd cry. | ||
We'd be so scared. | ||
Because I went from being with my mom, who's like this sweet lady. | ||
This is the lady that I'm used to. | ||
My mom's nice to me. | ||
She loves me. | ||
She's a nasty lady. | ||
To all of a sudden, this crazy bitch that doesn't even get to fuck. | ||
You're dressed in this weird costume, and she was so mean. | ||
What it did to me at an early age was like, oh, okay. | ||
That's bullshit. | ||
You know how you have to see things that are so stunningly obvious? | ||
This had nothing to do with God. | ||
This is like a mean person who's just torturing kids. | ||
And since I hadn't been around that, it was very unusual for me. | ||
And I was like, oh, this is all horseshit. | ||
And then I think there was a period after that where I was fucking kind of really weirded out because then I was thinking, well, if this is bullshit, does this mean that like nobody knows? | ||
Nobody knows? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Do you remember that for the first time you realized that nobody knows what happens when you die? | ||
I can tell you exactly when it was. | ||
It was sixth grade. | ||
Really? | ||
Maybe fifth. | ||
We were, exactly, and then I get it wrong. | ||
We were at my friend's, we had like built a fort at my friend's house. | ||
We were all back there and we were like, I don't know if God's real. | ||
And everyone at the same time was like, yeah, dude, I know. | ||
We're not allowed to talk about it. | ||
Wow, that's the thing, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Especially if you have a religious family. | ||
You're not allowed to talk about it. | ||
People get very upset if you even just want to breach a subject. | ||
I think, I mean, I was, if I told my dad, I mean, hearing a fifth grader say, I don't know if God's real, I'll fuck you up. | ||
unidentified
|
If my dad's just drinking, watching sports. | |
Yeah, dude. | ||
Kids, do worry about that, man. | ||
When I was younger, I used to really think that religion is just a panacea for the masses, and it's not necessary, and it's really outdated, and you should know better than to believe that. | ||
But as I've gotten older, I've realized that it acts as like a scaffolding for behavior. | ||
Yeah, of course. | ||
And it also gives people a sense of being, of being a part of something that means something to them. | ||
To say that that's not valuable is crazy. | ||
That's what's cool if you talk to, like, a good priest. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like, if you talk to a good one, they'll tell you that. | ||
They'll go, yeah, no one knows. | ||
But it's good. | ||
And a good philosopher will say the same thing. | ||
That's why I always question people that say that they know what's going to happen when they die. | ||
There'll be just blankness. | ||
People love to say that. | ||
It's a very common thing, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
People love to say that when it's over, you just die, and that you go black. | ||
But we don't know that. | ||
We don't know that. | ||
This whole thing is weird enough that I think we should entertain every possibility. | ||
You gotta feel real weird. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Your life's fucking crazy. | ||
It's hilarious. | ||
Yeah, it's very weird. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Me and my buddy O'Connor, who you met last night, we were talking about it on the way. | ||
It was like, guys, it's the perfect setup. | ||
It's pretty sweet. | ||
UFC podcast stand-up. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Stuff I like. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's cool. | ||
God, that's a good club. | ||
You can do that too, bro. | ||
I'm trying. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That club? | ||
You murdered last night, man. | ||
Aw, thank you. | ||
That was fun. | ||
That was fun. | ||
I get uncomfortable doing well like that. | ||
It was too well. | ||
I get a standing ovation when I walked out. | ||
I was like, all right. | ||
You see me? | ||
I looked up at you. | ||
Well, that fucking crowd is magic. | ||
It's like magic right away, right from the jump. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Got a lot of people on the show, too. | ||
It was a long-ass show last night. | ||
A long show. | ||
And then Dave goes up in the little room for the first time last night. | ||
I was sweating. | ||
Yeah, the place is pretty sick. | ||
Yeah, that was cool. | ||
Pretty sick. | ||
Bringing up Dave was cool. | ||
I wish he would have been ready. | ||
Oh, when you brought him up. | ||
Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle! | ||
He just wasn't there. | ||
unidentified
|
It was okay. | |
He's coming. | ||
He's coming. | ||
It was perfect because it wasn't smooth, so it set up the conversational style of stand-up that he was doing and fucking around. | ||
And he also didn't know where the stage was, so he was like, how do I get up here? | ||
And he went to the middle, and then he was like, no, you gotta go that way. | ||
What was funny when he does that, where he's doing the conversational thing, it's almost like I think he knows what the joke's gonna be. | ||
Because he'll keep talking, and you're like, oh man, all he's doing is making a point right now. | ||
And then right at the very end, he hits a fucking... | ||
Hits a zinger. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah, well... | ||
He practices. | ||
That's what he wanted to do last night. | ||
That was like a practice set, which is really interesting. | ||
It gives him an opportunity to fuck around, and in that fucking around, he'll come up with an idea, and then he'll pursue that idea, and then they'll watch the film. | ||
Wild, man. | ||
It's wild to see. | ||
It's so exciting. | ||
Yeah, that was one of the cooler moments I've ever had. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You introducing me and then going on. | ||
Yeah, and you were the first person who ever went on stage in that small room. | ||
Thank you for that. | ||
My pleasure. | ||
That whole fucking night was awesome. | ||
Yeah, it was pretty sick. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's one of those I woke up today a little hungover. | ||
It was one of those hangovers where I was like, good. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I earned that one. | ||
That was a good hangover. | ||
It was good. | ||
The problem is we're doing so many shows there, I can't be hungover. | ||
I can't go hard every night. | ||
No. | ||
Everybody is drinking. | ||
That bar is just fucking ridiculous. | ||
Yo, David Lucas was bombed last night. | ||
We talked to David, dude. | ||
I've never seen David that fucked up. | ||
Danny Brown was in there screaming. | ||
Danny Brown was very, very engaged. | ||
I wanted to get a picture. | ||
Yeah, I wanted a nice candid of me, Pauly Shore, and Danny Brown. | ||
Yeah, that's right. | ||
Pauly came by. | ||
Yeah, that was a fucking fun night, man. | ||
It was. | ||
Doing it again tonight. | ||
Wee! | ||
Can't wait. | ||
Wee! | ||
I don't know, man. | ||
I'm going to be chasing that dragon, though. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
Don't even worry about it. | ||
Just have fun. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Think about it. | ||
That club, the fact that the building is so old, it's like baked in. | ||
There's like a life in that building that's baked in, and we just put nice clothes on it and dressed it up. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, I'm not sucking your dick. | ||
That was perfect. | ||
It's a perfect club. | ||
That club's fucking perfect, man. | ||
It's very exciting. | ||
Standing back. | ||
I was nervous. | ||
I was looking at those fucking steps. | ||
That's cool. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, you should feel like that. | |
I'm standing there. | ||
I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. | ||
It's good for you. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's also good that we're doing these shows where there's so many killers on. | ||
unidentified
|
That's what we missed. | |
Yeah, you know they're up there. | ||
You know they're up there. | ||
You know they're watching. | ||
You're like, this has to be good, dude. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, that's what we were missing. | ||
You know, like... | ||
That's what we had at the store. | ||
The store was always just killer after killer after killer, and it's just really good for you. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know? | ||
And when you take that away, it's like... | ||
You kind of like... | ||
As a good comedy gym, that's what you really want to reproduce. | ||
You want to recreate the environment of a bunch of people that are sort of feeding off of each other. | ||
Where they're like, this guy's killing. | ||
It's like, God, I gotta pick my game up. | ||
And everybody does it together. | ||
It's very important. | ||
And people don't want to, for some reason, some comics don't want to think about that. | ||
They don't want to address that. | ||
They like to think that they're completely self-made. | ||
But we are so heavily influenced by our friends. | ||
We're so heavily influenced by just the hang, you know? | ||
Just the way we're always hanging out and talking shit and having a good time together. | ||
But then also heavily influenced by our sets. | ||
Yeah, I don't want to sound corny, but yeah, that's the thing you want. | ||
Your other comics respect is the most important thing. | ||
Yeah, and you want to earn it. | ||
You want it to be real. | ||
So that means you did your work. | ||
You got to a certain level. | ||
You're a real professional. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That was a fun night, dude. | ||
Then we went to... | ||
Jamie was on the prowl, dude. | ||
He wanted to have a good time. | ||
He was with me trying to find... | ||
We went to... | ||
Who was over there? | ||
It was like Redman, Cypher Sounds was DJing, Jadakiss, Chappelle. | ||
Did you guys go to the Vulcan? | ||
No, we went to... | ||
What's it called? | ||
Native Hostel? | ||
Oh, I've been there before. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It was me, Tony, Jamie, O'Connor, and DeRosa. | ||
Just five white dudes showed up. | ||
Just like, can we get a drink? | ||
They're like, no. | ||
Wow. | ||
All right. | ||
They closed the bar and I was like, I'm with Dave. | ||
They're like, no, you're not. | ||
All right. | ||
I was like, I gotta find Dave. | ||
Just walk around staring at Dave Chappelle. | ||
No, you're not. | ||
How many guys say I'm with Dave that aren't? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Ugh. | ||
That's gotta be so annoying. | ||
How about we were trying to get beers and those guys were like, Jamie, Shane. | ||
And we were like, can we get two Miller Lights? | ||
They were like, no. | ||
unidentified
|
I was like, alright. | |
Come on, man. | ||
We'll give you money. | ||
There's beer right there. | ||
No. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And then, Jamie, I've never seen you on the prowl like that, dude. | ||
Talk to the mic, dude. | ||
Have fun. | ||
He was trying to have fun, dude. | ||
Jamie's usually not... | ||
It's Wednesday night. | ||
He's ready to get rowdy. | ||
Thank God we didn't go back to the club and drink. | ||
Tony was like, let's just leave and go back to the club. | ||
I was like, dude, if we drink, it's 2. It's 2 o'clock right now. | ||
Yeah. | ||
If we go back to the club, we're there until 4. Yeah, go to bed. | ||
Yeah, bedtime. | ||
I'm getting good at bedtime. | ||
The problem if you don't do bedtime is you wake up too late. | ||
And then you miss a big part of the day. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's not good. | ||
I do that. | ||
Yeah, but if you have some shit you gotta do... | ||
These late nights, like Dave wants to stay up till like 3, 3.30 in the morning. | ||
He just wants to keep going. | ||
He goes. | ||
He just keeps going. | ||
He's the DJ. He was the DJ in the bar. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'll do that. | ||
I'll fucking hit the DJ. Bargazzi has a funny bit about it. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh yeah? | |
Of being a comic and like you wake up at like 11. So you wake up and the day is, you got 40 missed phone calls. | ||
Every day he wakes up, the day is already done. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And he's like, oh shit. | ||
But you have to get good sleep, too. | ||
So if you do go to bed at 3 o'clock in the morning, you really should sleep till 11. You really should. | ||
But then you gotta get going. | ||
It's tough. | ||
It's tough. | ||
It's hard. | ||
The thing that gets you for real is drinking. | ||
That's what gets you. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
You're drinking clubs a lot. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
You're wearing yourself out. | ||
I've been doing the cellar totally sober. | ||
Yeah? | ||
That's tough, man. | ||
Don't enjoy it? | ||
Five spots sober. | ||
Oh, no. | ||
You just gotta sit there for four hours. | ||
Oh, no. | ||
What do you do? | ||
Get bored. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Find someone to talk to. | ||
You gotta make small talk with another comedian sober. | ||
Yeah, you gotta get into marijuana, son. | ||
It's so bad. | ||
I don't have the brain for it. | ||
What about microdosing mushrooms? | ||
I can fucking crush mushrooms. | ||
That's what I'm talking about. | ||
Maybe a little bit? | ||
Just a little bit? | ||
Not just Coke. | ||
Maybe. | ||
unidentified
|
Maybe I've been fucking fighting it for all this. | |
Maybe I'm fighting it for all this time and I'm going to become a Coke advocate. | ||
Dude, if you were on Coke. | ||
Coke is amazing. | ||
Now that's another problem. | ||
That's that Spencer Brown level... | ||
That's Francis Ngannou level problem. | ||
If you were a coke dude, you're going to talk about a pit bull running through a town? | ||
Holy shit, dude. | ||
Let's go! | ||
We were leaving a restaurant last night. | ||
Joe's just hanging out of an SUV going, let's go! | ||
No, let's fucking go. | ||
Just some lady walking just like... | ||
Funny, now she has a story. | ||
She's like, yeah, I was in Austin. | ||
I saw Joe Rogan screaming. | ||
That was because I was talking to radio, and radio was going to go meet Dave, and we were talking. | ||
We were getting hyped up for this show. | ||
I go, radio, let's fucking go! | ||
Yeah, it was fun. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
How about Radio? | ||
Oh, he's awesome. | ||
The I love you? | ||
What's that? | ||
Oh, that was hilarious. | ||
I love you. | ||
I love you too. | ||
When he was explaining, I was like, oh shit, that's you, dude. | ||
That was hilarious! | ||
We were eating dinner, and there's a thing that Radio did when he was interviewing Logan Paul, where Logan Paul was... | ||
He was talking about talking to his brother, saying to his brother, I love you, and Radio thought he was telling him he loved him, and he's like, I love you too. | ||
But the reason why Radio said that is because Logan says I love you to him all the time. | ||
He's like a very friendly, gregarious guy. | ||
So it was natural for him to say, I love you too. | ||
And he's like, oh no, what have I done? | ||
And so Shane realizes in the middle of the conversation while we're eating dinner that that's who he is. | ||
unidentified
|
When you go, oh shit, that's you? | |
I kept saying it to him. | ||
The rest of the night I'd see him, I'd go, I love you, dude. | ||
He was like, alright, man. | ||
I was like, there's nothing to be ashamed of, dude. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
I love you, too. | ||
I love you, too. | ||
That hurts, man. | ||
Oh, it's a bad one. | ||
Yeah, I'll play it. | ||
It's so funny. | ||
Dude, that is the actual worst version of, you know, doesn't Brian have a bit of, Brian Regan have a bit about that? | ||
Yeah. | ||
How does it go? | ||
Like, enjoy your meal or enjoy your flight. | ||
You too! | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
He's like, God, you too. | ||
Yeah, that's like... | ||
unidentified
|
Jake, I love you. | |
I'm not going to give you a big speech. | ||
I know you got this, but either come back victorious or come back on your shield. | ||
I love you, bro. | ||
I love you too, man. | ||
unidentified
|
How do you feel? | |
But again, the first time I saw it, I didn't even think about it. | ||
Yeah, that's not good. | ||
I love you too, bro. | ||
But listen, I have said in interviews, I love you too to fighters. | ||
Many times. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Many times. | ||
Like Sugar Sean O'Malley, there's like a love fest between me and Sugar Sean. | ||
There's like five of them where I tell them I love them. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Someone says they love me. | ||
I love them too. | ||
I do. | ||
I genuinely do. | ||
But that was just a fuck up. | ||
He just fucked up. | ||
You know, it happens. | ||
I was like, dude, it happens. | ||
I saw it, I watched it, and I went out loud. | ||
I was like, ah! | ||
It's no big deal. | ||
You're a great interviewer. | ||
It's just such a funny angle too. | ||
I love you too. | ||
He's a super knowledgeable dude about boxing. | ||
If you want to talk to boxing, talk to radio. | ||
He knows all the contenders and all the various divisions. | ||
He's got essentially a boxing memory and a knowledge like I have an MMA knowledge. | ||
He knows a lot of shit about boxing. | ||
Man, I like Tyson Fury. | ||
Tyson Fury was good! | ||
He was good! | ||
When he sings. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
He's the best. | ||
After every fight, just... | ||
I just hope that the Usyk fight happens. | ||
Tyson Fury is, in my opinion, he's like one of the hardest puzzles to solve in the history of the heavyweight division. | ||
Six foot whatever the fuck he is. | ||
What is he? | ||
6'9"? | ||
6'9". | ||
Incredible skill. | ||
Like, so slick. | ||
And like that herky-jerky style. | ||
Hard to read. | ||
Pops you. | ||
Knocked out Wilder twice. | ||
I mean, come on, man. | ||
Wilder nukes everybody. | ||
Yeah. | ||
If it wasn't for Tyson Fury, like, who knows? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Wilder might have beaten all the rest of them. | ||
He would have. | ||
He might nuke them all. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Tyson Fury's just got his number, man. | ||
That's a bummer. | ||
That sucks, dude. | ||
Just another guy doing the same thing as you that's got your number. | ||
Got your number. | ||
Especially because he all... | ||
That first fight? | ||
Wilder almost got him. | ||
Had him. | ||
I mean, it looked like he was out. | ||
He had him. | ||
Lying flat on his back? | ||
Full Undertaker, dude. | ||
Just... | ||
Got up. | ||
Dude, those gypsies are just not the same. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
Those are not regular white people. | ||
unidentified
|
Those are fucked up freaks, dude. | |
That guy's a freak. | ||
He looks like shit, dude. | ||
It's awesome. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's awesome, dude. | ||
It is awesome. | ||
He looks like shit. | ||
His fucking back fat. | ||
He's going up against a chiseled back, dude. | ||
You're like, oh, yes, dude. | ||
So he's flat on his back. | ||
Here comes a complete freak. | ||
And now watch this. | ||
just gets right up to his feet and now he says he's fine He walks over there jiggling, all that fat fat jiggling. | ||
So now here's what's crazy though. | ||
He thought, Deontay thought the fight was over, right? | ||
That's a very embarrassing clip for Deontay. | ||
Yeah, he thought he had him. | ||
You see him get up and you're like, oh shit. | ||
Yeah, there's a look when he sees him get up. | ||
Watch. | ||
Right now he realizes he got up. | ||
And he's like, oh shit, he's back up. | ||
And so then from that round on, Tyson Fury beat him. | ||
And Tyson Fury figured out that if you get Deontay to back up, he's not as effective. | ||
Is that a draw? | ||
Like that thing that you saw Stipe do, where he ran and knocked out Fabrizio Verdum. | ||
That's so hard to do. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And some guys just can't do that. | ||
And Deontay is much better going forward. | ||
So in all the fights after that, Tyson Fury just controlled the pace, controlled the distance, kept it on him, kept him backing up, and was super aggressive. | ||
It's fun. | ||
Tyson's the funniest, man. | ||
He's the best. | ||
He's so fucking funny, dude. | ||
Bitch! | ||
Usyk! | ||
He calls everybody bitches. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, nothing. | |
Yeah, I can't even disagree. | ||
Yeah, tosser. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Absolute tosser. | |
Scared to fight me. | ||
When he's singing, he's singing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Walking in Vegas. | ||
unidentified
|
A long, long time ago, I can still remember. | |
He just knocked a guy out. | ||
unidentified
|
He's a fucking insane person. | |
He's just singing. | ||
Oh, that has to hurt, losing to him. | ||
And you hear it while you're walking back to the tunnel, you hear this fucking guy. | ||
unidentified
|
I can still remember how that music used to make me smile. | |
That doesn't even make sense! | ||
You just win a fight. | ||
unidentified
|
I can make those people dance and maybe they'd be happy for a while. | |
Look at all those people sitting there going, what the fuck is happening? | ||
It's the longest song you can pick. | ||
It's the longest song! | ||
unidentified
|
It's Bye Bye American Pie! | |
That fucking song's so long! | ||
unidentified
|
I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widow's wife Something touched me deep inside The day He's trying so hard to sing, dude. | |
He's singing for real. | ||
unidentified
|
He screamed like a pirate! | |
He bullied Damo in the singing! | ||
Look at how many people are still there, sitting down after he won the fight. | ||
You know he's gonna sing, dude. | ||
English, they love singing. | ||
They do. | ||
They always sing it. | ||
What a good culture. | ||
Just getting fucked up and singing together. | ||
You and your boys come up with a song. | ||
That's fun. | ||
Our American chants suck. | ||
We're not even close. | ||
Well, those songs that they sing back then, that's like back in the war days. | ||
They would go on campaigns and sing songs. | ||
Sing war songs. | ||
In a trench. | ||
Dude. | ||
Hold on, I gotta piss. | ||
Can I piss? | ||
Yeah, let's piss. | ||
Alright. | ||
Let's fucking go. | ||
unidentified
|
Let's fucking go. | |
Stop, Joe. | ||
Shane Gillis, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
Hey. | ||
So tell me about shit hoarding. | ||
Shit hoarders. | ||
Last night! | ||
This is the kind of conversations we have at like 1 o'clock in the morning. | ||
He's like, dude! | ||
You watch Hoarders? | ||
Because I was like, alright, fuck, I gotta think of something. | ||
I gotta have something to say. | ||
We always have something to say. | ||
I know, I know, but you know how. | ||
You get a little wet. | ||
You know so much about history. | ||
You always have something to say. | ||
That's an interesting element of your act that I really enjoy, is that you're such a fan of... | ||
What's the matter, Jamie? | ||
The shithoarder? | ||
Yeah, sorry. | ||
I didn't mean to. | ||
Oh. | ||
No, it's unbelievable. | ||
I thought you spilled coffee on yourself. | ||
No, it's unbelievable. | ||
You have such a knowledge of history, and you're so interested in so many different things that it layers... | ||
Your comedy in a really cool way. | ||
It's like that George Washington thing, I don't want to say anything, because it's so good. | ||
I don't want to fuck it up, but it's so good. | ||
I love that bit. | ||
But it's also historically accurate. | ||
It's fucking fun. | ||
It's fun because it's engaging me and it's entertaining me. | ||
It's engaging me, it's interesting. | ||
And it's also very funny. | ||
It never worked. | ||
And I remember in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, one of the open mics where I started, Amish country, there was a joke I always used to try. | ||
The guy who was running the mic would always be like, dude, do it. | ||
Do the Civil War joke. | ||
It never worked. | ||
It was just about dudes walking to shoot each other. | ||
Like, you had to walk. | ||
It was something about, like, you know how racist you had to be to, like... | ||
Be in the South and wake up one day and be like, wait, they freed who? | ||
What the fuck? | ||
I'm going up there and then walking the whole way. | ||
You had to sleep at night and wake up and go like, son of a bitch. | ||
And they walked from Alabama to Maryland. | ||
You got shot in the head right away. | ||
Who had that great joke about that? | ||
You know, where they'll tell you the Civil War wasn't about slavery. | ||
It was about economics. | ||
Like, yeah, you didn't want to pay the help. | ||
Whose joke is that? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Somebody has that joke. | ||
I don't know. | ||
People try to act like the Civil War wasn't about it. | ||
Is it Bill Maher? | ||
Maybe. | ||
It might be Bill Maher. | ||
It's someone good. | ||
But I always wanted to do a joke about... | ||
Because your company, whatever your group was, because they were all from the same town. | ||
So your division or fucking your brigade would be from your town. | ||
So you never left your town. | ||
So your brigade back then was everybody you grew up with. | ||
Every dude. | ||
Your son, your brother, your uncle, and your dad. | ||
You're all fucking together. | ||
And you're marching shoulder to shoulder. | ||
And you watch your fucking dad get his head ripped off by a cannonball. | ||
You just gotta keep being like, oh, fuck. | ||
Oh, fuck. | ||
A cannonball hits your dad in the head. | ||
You knew who was getting shot. | ||
Oh my god, dude. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't know why that's funny. | ||
Imagine? | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
How about the trench warfare of World War I? Started in Civil War. | |
Siege of Vicksburg, I think. | ||
That's when they started trench warfare? | ||
Yeah, they say the Civil War in America was like the first modern war. | ||
This is revolutionary, dude. | ||
It's just getting pumped. | ||
This is so horrible. | ||
Look at this, walking towards each other, like the stupidest way to do it ever. | ||
Can you imagine that people did this for some- OH GOD! OH GOD! Hit in the face with a cannonball. | ||
Now that's, the Patriot's roughly based off of, I think his name is Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox. | ||
And he was a, he was kind of an originator of guerrilla warfare. | ||
Because they were like, we can't, we can't stand and fight the British. | ||
God damn. | ||
We have to shoot them and run. | ||
Which is pretty funny. | ||
How crazy are the British just going to come over here and start marching with a big white stripe on your chest? | ||
Red jackets? | ||
It's 100% a target. | ||
Red and white is what you use for archery targets. | ||
They had to change. | ||
That's so dumb! | ||
Once rifling took over, they had to be like, alright, we've got to switch our uniforms. | ||
Isn't that amazing, though, that that was... | ||
You had to think of how much the British Army conquered in the world. | ||
Everybody. | ||
Everybody. | ||
And imagine that their decision to fight was this way. | ||
Like, how? | ||
How did you get from Like, the Mongols to that. | ||
How does that happen in a thousand years? | ||
The Mongols had all these crazy tactics. | ||
They would starve people out, lock them in their cities. | ||
They would wait them out slowly. | ||
You get artillery and guns, you can just... | ||
But this is crazy! | ||
That's just running it down your throat, dude. | ||
It's like, we're gonna walk at you. | ||
But... | ||
I just can't imagine that someone wouldn't say, hey, isn't there a fucking better way to fight these people? | ||
Yeah, like, what are we doing? | ||
Let's get behind a tree and then shoot them. | ||
I can't even watch this, dude. | ||
I can't believe people did that. | ||
That's what's so crazy. | ||
It's like, how did they survive to become that silly? | ||
Like, that's a silly way to fight a war, right? | ||
So how did they survive with those strategies? | ||
How were they dominant with those strategies? | ||
Because they're the only ones with... | ||
Well, most of them are colonies, where the other guys are... | ||
They have fucking cowhide shields and spears, like the Zulu. | ||
And so they were the only ones with muskets? | ||
Yeah, you have fucking guns. | ||
You just... | ||
Yeah, you're gonna win. | ||
You're the only ones with guns. | ||
So the British were the only ones with guns? | ||
Well, when it came to their colonies. | ||
In a land war, they would lose a lot to France, Prussia, those major continental powers. | ||
But England always had a navy. | ||
They always dominated through naval warfare. | ||
And then they had to team up with everyone to stop Napoleon. | ||
Dude, once they started shooting cannonballs off boats... | ||
That's a problem. | ||
That must have been a game changer. | ||
unidentified
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Huge problem. | |
When did they start doing that? | ||
When did they start doing cannonballs from boats? | ||
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|
Because that's, bro, that is a motherfucker. | |
Yeah. | ||
You got a cannon on a boat? | ||
Shooting people without cannons? | ||
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|
Boom! | |
Yeah, you just do this all day. | ||
How many times did they have to shoot that cannon before they figured out how hard they have to bolt it into the floor? | ||
A lot. | ||
Shot out the other side of the boat. | ||
You got a floating wooden thing with this giant iron tube on it that has explosions go off on it. | ||
And just four poor guys from Manchester operating it. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Boom! | ||
You ever see Master and Commander with Russell Crowe? | ||
I think I have. | ||
Oh, it's... | ||
Jamie, back me up, dude. | ||
I don't remember it. | ||
It's got like a... | ||
It's so good. | ||
It's way more popular now than it was... | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Oh, I read an article about that. | ||
Why are so many men into Master and Commander? | ||
I thought it was a video game. | ||
What did they say? | ||
Is this guy gay? | ||
unidentified
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Uh-uh. | |
Alright. | ||
I don't read articles. | ||
I read headlines. | ||
That's what I read. | ||
And then I form my own opinions. | ||
Yeah, of course. | ||
There's a study out, bro. | ||
You don't even know about that study. | ||
I hate studies. | ||
It says more men like Master and Commander than like anime. | ||
That's good. | ||
That's a nice thing. | ||
That would be good. | ||
Just kidding with the study. | ||
But it's why they like it. | ||
Master Commander's good. | ||
Is it? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Look at this, dude. | ||
That's fun. | ||
Guys on boats. | ||
Boys on boats, dude. | ||
You get to grab the boys when they're sleeping. | ||
You go, don't tell anyone about this, mate. | ||
How weird is it that they're using a sextant in a cloudy day? | ||
How are they doing that? | ||
Isn't a sextant based off the stars? | ||
Isn't that what it works? | ||
I have no idea. | ||
I don't know what the fuck they did. | ||
Those things those kids are looking through, which this is really wild, that was how they would navigate. | ||
Imagine the crude tool that they were using to float around in the fucking ocean, and they would do it somehow or another through the stars. | ||
That book, the first thing I ever talked to you about was Cabeza de Vaca. | ||
Yes! | ||
And they were like, the guy they hired to do the navigating, like, fucked up. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Hardcore. | ||
They had no idea. | ||
He had to be like, no, I know where we're going. | ||
How accurate are those sextants? | ||
I think if you're off, especially going from Spain, if you're off, like, a little, you're fucked. | ||
It looks like we have an updated version now. | ||
Does it have, like, computers on it and shit? | ||
Same thing? | ||
Better scope, maybe. | ||
It looks dope. | ||
That looks way better. | ||
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So how does it work? - There's a description. | |
- The estimation of, okay. | ||
A sextant is a doubly reflecting navigation instrument that measures the angular distance between two visible objects. | ||
The primary use of a sextant is to measure the angle between an astronomical object and the horizon for the purpose of celestial navigation. | ||
So the estimation of this angle, the altitude, is known as sighting or shooting the object or taking a sight. | ||
The angle and the time when it was measured can be used to calculate a position line on a nautical or aeronautical chart For example sighting the Sun at noon or Polaris at night in the northern hemisphere To estimate latitude with slight reduction with sight reduction rather citing the height of the blah blah blah blah blah blah I'm gonna keep it's I don't understand any of it. | ||
Um It seems like they're using dots in the sky. | ||
So one of them would be the sun, one of them would be the moon. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because they're calculating the angles of how far the things are away from each other and where the stars are, you can kind of figure out where you are in the ocean. | ||
Somehow. | ||
I'm not sure I understand it. | ||
But now they just use GPS, which is way better. | ||
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Yeah. | |
Imagine back then when they just didn't know where they were and they thought they were in India. | ||
You know? | ||
It's a moving GIF. I can't control it, but it's showing how it works. | ||
Mmm. | ||
You read the angle. | ||
I'm not going to figure this out right now. | ||
Yeah, we're too dumb for this. | ||
We're too dumb. | ||
But it's amazing that they used those to travel all around the world. | ||
Like, they trusted those things and the way you would figure it out through that. | ||
Yeah, if you were off, you're dead. | ||
Yeah, not good. | ||
You're dead. | ||
And you might have scurvy anyway. | ||
Yeah. | ||
What, are you eating beef jerky every day? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You hit no wind. | ||
You're just on flat sea. | ||
They're all sick. | ||
They would get sick. | ||
Yeah, there's mutinies constantly. | ||
You'd be like, this guy's going to fucking get us killed. | ||
Mm-hmm. | ||
And the storms were completely unpredictable. | ||
You had no idea when a storm was coming. | ||
Zero idea. | ||
That conveys a divaca story. | ||
I kind of forget it, but... | ||
It's amazing. | ||
So they... | ||
I think they were in Cuba, Hispaniola, and they left and they tried to... | ||
They landed in, like, Tampa. | ||
Mm-hmm. | ||
And they were like, half of the party go get on a sailboat or meet us at the harbor. | ||
There's a harbor up this coastline. | ||
And they're like, alright, we'll just, half the party's gonna walk, half the party's gonna take the boat. | ||
And there was no harbor. | ||
They had to walk from Tampa to Mexico City. | ||
Three of them made it. | ||
They all got killed. | ||
Yeah, pretty fun. | ||
They had to survive waves like this back then, too, yes? | ||
Yep, 100%. | ||
But they could not. | ||
But they didn't. | ||
They went under. | ||
I mean, that's why those boats sank. | ||
There's so many of those pirate ships. | ||
And how about the Roman ships they find that sank with, like, a fucking billion dollars with gold in them? | ||
Spanish. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
Spanish coming back from the New World. | ||
There's probably a bunch of those out there. | ||
Those guys that find, like, hidden treasure or sunken treasure. | ||
Pretty cool. | ||
That's a wild thing, man. | ||
Can you imagine if you're a guy who's invested all this money, got all this stress, you got a team of divers. | ||
It's basically like a CBS drama show. | ||
You got a team of divers and they finally find it. | ||
And now you got to protect it from pirates. | ||
Now you got to kill those guys that were on the dive with you. | ||
Oh, I bet that happens a lot. | ||
We just found a trillion dollars. | ||
I bet that happens a lot, right? | ||
I bet guys kill each other. | ||
Probably. | ||
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Yeah. | |
There's a story I know. | ||
I think I told you about it one time before. | ||
This guy, he did exactly what you're talking about. | ||
He found the gold. | ||
He got an investment. | ||
His name's Tommy Thompson. | ||
I think there's a documentary about him. | ||
He then lost the gold. | ||
In quotes. | ||
Lost it. | ||
Didn't know where he put it. | ||
He's been in jail. | ||
Look at that pirate, dude. | ||
Held under contempt because he owes the people who invested in him the money. | ||
He's just like, I don't know where it is. | ||
I can't remember where I put it. | ||
And so the judge is just holding him. | ||
How long can he hold him? | ||
He's been in jail for like 20 years, I think. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah. | ||
For $4 million? | ||
It's at least $4 million, I think, is the problem. | ||
He might have found a lot, and he just didn't tell everybody he found. | ||
So he's been in jail for how long? | ||
Let me see if I can... | ||
Yeah, let's find it. | ||
I believe it's more than 10 years. | ||
I think it's been going on for a while. | ||
Well, he looks so much older than he did when he got arrested. | ||
That's pretty neat. | ||
Yeah, see, it started back in like the 90s. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
He discovered it in like 89 and then went back. | ||
People have been talking about it for a while, but I think he's, as far as I know, still being held. | ||
What a fucking idiot. | ||
Well, not only that, where's the gold and how does he know it's going to be there when he gets out? | ||
He's been in jail for 20 years. | ||
Could be some other treasure hunters. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I think his kids may have known about it, but they're like, we don't know where it is either. | ||
The story went on forever. | ||
It's pretty neat. | ||
I think it's from Columbus, Ohio. | ||
That's kind of why I know about it. | ||
I think someone I know knew him or knows the family or something. | ||
Columbus, Ohio treasure hunters? | ||
Yeah, he's just from there. | ||
Anyway, let's take a look at this shit hoarder. | ||
You ready? | ||
Am I ready? | ||
No one's ready. | ||
Never? | ||
I'm the only one I think who thinks this is hilarious. | ||
Okay. | ||
How will we blur this out? | ||
I think I'm just going to not show it, because it's known as the worst story on hers. | ||
Don't show it. | ||
Don't show it. | ||
Just show Shane's face. | ||
This lady's stick. | ||
Show your reactions. | ||
Shitting in bottles. | ||
Oh, boy. | ||
For a decade. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
That's her? | ||
Here's the best part. | ||
Is that her? | ||
That's the lady? | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
There's shit everywhere. | ||
Dude. | ||
That's her shit bucket. | ||
Watch, watch, watch. | ||
That's her shit bucket. | ||
And then she's like, sometimes it gets too heavy so I have to transfer buckets. | ||
Christ, bro. | ||
I can't do this. | ||
I can't do this. | ||
Oh my god, dude. | ||
Shut the fuck up. | ||
She lives in a shit house. | ||
Full shit house. | ||
That's so insane. | ||
Look at that shit everywhere, dude. | ||
Oh my god, I'm gonna throw up. | ||
Look at her shit bucket. | ||
I can't look. | ||
You have to look. | ||
Look at her eating soup, dude. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
What a pile of shit, dude. | ||
What the fuck, man? | ||
So this is the interview here. | ||
She goes, I can't be the worst whore you've ever seen. | ||
Look at this sign. | ||
It says, I am okay. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
What are you... | ||
Yeah, this is the problem when you let kids think that they're okay. | ||
unidentified
|
I guess so, because I thought it was due to the mold and dust. | |
You have to tell me this, because I... You don't know. | ||
I mean, some people would argue, how do you not know that feces in the house is bad? | ||
But wait, I don't smell it anymore. | ||
It's like extremely dangerous. | ||
Okay, okay. | ||
Stop, stop, stop, stop. | ||
I will fucking throw up. | ||
Dude, she's so matter-of-fact the entire time. | ||
Like, the entire time people are like... | ||
She's like, yeah, there's mold in the walls. | ||
That's why it smells like that. | ||
And they're like, are you sure it's not the bottles of feces and urine everywhere? | ||
And she's like, what? | ||
No, that can't be it. | ||
Like, no, that's definitely it. | ||
She's like, well, that's news to me. | ||
Imagine if this was fake. | ||
And then they conned us. | ||
And that's like chocolate milk and fucking toilet paper. | ||
They didn't fake this. | ||
You can tell this lady's gone. | ||
Maybe she's like a really good actress. | ||
I used to put poop in a jug. | ||
Okay. | ||
Okay. | ||
Dude, so at the very end, this is the best part. | ||
So at the very end, they're like, we're going to have to go in there and clear out all the stuff in there. | ||
So all her food's contaminated. | ||
She doesn't have a refrigerator. | ||
She just has bread on the ground that's covered in mold. | ||
At one point, they're like, you can't eat that moldy bread. | ||
She's like, I'm going to take the fucking mold off. | ||
Obviously. | ||
They're like, alright. | ||
You just poop everywhere? | ||
Shit everywhere, dude. | ||
What do you think her digestive tract is like? | ||
She's eating progressive soup, dude. | ||
With shit in it. | ||
She's eating nothing but soup. | ||
Because you get a certain amount of shit on your hands anyway. | ||
And diarrhea into bottles, dude. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know when they swab things, they find human fecal matter on things all the time? | ||
Like doorknobs and stuff. | ||
So if you eat a chip after you touch a doorknob, there's some fecal matter probably that gets in there. | ||
This lady's eating. | ||
Alright, so at the very end, they're like, we gotta go in there, and she's like, hold on. | ||
Let me get one more night. | ||
I'm gonna go ahead back in there and eat some contaminated food. | ||
And they're like, and then she goes, and then the party's over. | ||
They're like, you mean a party? | ||
You think it's a party to eat contaminated food? | ||
She's like, what do you guys fucking care? | ||
I've been in there eating poop for 12 years. | ||
She's like, Hold on, we get to that part at the very end. | ||
The dude, like, she says it, she goes, what do you care? | ||
I've been eating poop for 12 years. | ||
As soon as he says it, he goes, oh. | ||
Like, just watching a dude get defeated by a lady. | ||
I'm trying to explain this properly. | ||
The music, they play dramatic music. | ||
She goes, what do you guys fucking care? | ||
And he goes, he looks at her, she goes, I've been in there eating poop for 12 years. | ||
And he goes, oh. | ||
She takes the guy's soul, dude. | ||
Hold on, shit. | ||
It's not a fight. | ||
It's towards the very end. | ||
They're giving her basically the intervention. | ||
It's two people outside. | ||
It's a lady and a guy. | ||
Imagine your brain. | ||
Yes, yes. | ||
I'm gonna go ahead back in there. | ||
Watch. | ||
unidentified
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It's gonna be hard, but I'm gonna give up some stuff. | |
This guy. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm going to go ahead and eat some of the contaminated food, and then the party's over. | |
Because I have to get it. | ||
I understand that. | ||
Because when somebody goes on intervention, they want to get high one last time. | ||
The party ends for me tomorrow. | ||
How is eating contaminated food a party? | ||
Why the does it matter? | ||
I've been eating poop for 12 years. | ||
See, no one else thinks it's funny. | ||
unidentified
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No one else thinks it's funny. | |
I don't think it's fake, but I've been fooled before. | ||
True. | ||
That's how it works. | ||
It seems like if you're, unless she's wearing prosthetics, it seems like she's suffering the effects of her poor diet. | ||
The inflammation in her face from poop eating. | ||
At the end, they bulldozed the house and put her in an assisted living home. | ||
It sounded like a happy ending of Hoarders. | ||
They said the house was beyond contaminated. | ||
The city had to get involved and destroy the land. | ||
They just salt the earth. | ||
That's so insane. | ||
It's pretty fun, though. | ||
Just a lady and her mom shitting in a bucket. | ||
Before that, what was the worst one? | ||
The lady who eats toilet paper? | ||
Remember that lady? | ||
Did you ever see the lady who eats toilet paper? | ||
That was my sick addiction or whatever. | ||
Is that what it was? | ||
It's one of those. | ||
I never even watched it. | ||
I never watched Hoarders. | ||
Yeah, she was just chewing up toilet paper, and she said it was addictive. | ||
No, there was a lady, the second worst hoarders is a lady who had like 90 dead cats in her house. | ||
Oh, God. | ||
And she was saving them. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
She was putting them in the fridge. | ||
She was like, I don't want to say goodbye to these guys. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
She takes him out. | ||
She takes him out for the camera. | ||
Their eyes are deteriorated. | ||
She's got a... | ||
It's so fucking funny. | ||
Oh no! | ||
Don't show me this! | ||
Come on, man. | ||
Oh, rat collection. | ||
Dude, rat collection. | ||
Watch this guy at the beginning. | ||
He goes... | ||
Oh boy. | ||
He's like, yeah, people try to talk about it, but until you tried it for yourself or something like that. | ||
What? | ||
Don't knock it until you try it. | ||
He has a million rats. | ||
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
Whoa. | ||
Well, you know there's like a temple in India where rats are. | ||
Have you ever seen that rat temple in India? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Oh dude, this is wild. | ||
So this is a temple in India and these rats all hang out with everyone. | ||
They eat with you. | ||
They like leave the rats. | ||
They put milk out for them. | ||
The rats are all drinking milk. | ||
They all like share. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's the weirdest thing. | ||
It's like a temple filled with rats. | ||
So, as these people are all praying, like, dude, rats are everywhere. | ||
Everywhere. | ||
But they're not treated poorly. | ||
Well, they got this wrong. | ||
But it's really weird, man, because this is like, look, the rats just, like, eat their food. | ||
And it's this beautiful temple. | ||
Let's see what this guy, does the guy have an explanation? | ||
No. | ||
Let's see what he says. | ||
When they die, they're born as rats. | ||
unidentified
|
When a rat dies, it's born as us humans. | |
That might seem preposterous to many in the West. | ||
So they're just chilling. | ||
They think that they die and become a rat. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But they've managed to create an environment where they live with rats. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Well, there's going to be a new fucking plague if these guys keep doing this. | ||
Or not. | ||
They better knock it off. | ||
Seems like it's working fine. | ||
Maybe that's how you avoid a plague. | ||
I bet these dudes get viciously ill constantly. | ||
Imagine the diarrhea they get. | ||
Bro, Indian food and rat shit. | ||
You hang on rats all day. | ||
They're shitting all over the place. | ||
That's the thing. | ||
It's like, oh, it's peaceful. | ||
No, it's rat shit. | ||
You 100% get rat shit everywhere. | ||
But what if they're right, dude? | ||
What if you and me wake up? | ||
Rat. | ||
You're a rat, dude. | ||
Thankfully some guy's giving you milk. | ||
Do you know some animals have a communal toilet? | ||
No. | ||
Yeah, there's an animal called a neil guy that we hunted in South Texas. | ||
There's an animal called a neil guy? | ||
Yeah, a neil guy. | ||
It's this Indian antelope, really cool-looking Indian antelope. | ||
They have communal shit piles. | ||
Like, you stumble upon a giant pile of animal shit. | ||
That's pretty cool. | ||
Because one of them shits in there, and the other one shits on the pile. | ||
They shit on each other's shit, and they just stack it up. | ||
They, like, shit in one area. | ||
Like a toilet. | ||
Yeah, that's, I mean... | ||
Wild. | ||
It's like a very good evolutionary... | ||
Rhinos do it too? | ||
Rhinos? | ||
Elephants? | ||
Some deer it says? | ||
Antelopes? | ||
Horses? | ||
Raccoons? | ||
What's that other one? | ||
Badgers? | ||
Dicknodonts? | ||
What the fuck is that? | ||
The fuck's a dicknodont? | ||
What is a dicknodont? | ||
What is that word? | ||
Dicey? | ||
Dicey? | ||
Oh, some sort of ancient animal. | ||
Okay. | ||
So they used to shit in a pile too? | ||
I didn't know raccoons did it. | ||
It's pretty exciting. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I like those guys. | ||
Raccoons are cool. | ||
Yeah, I like raccoons. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I like all the animals that survive with humans. | ||
Did you ever see the video that I put on my Instagram of the raccoon moving through the rafters? | ||
No. | ||
Oh, dude. | ||
He's doing this, like Mission Impossible style, in the rafters. | ||
They're so funny. | ||
Like, easily. | ||
Yeah. | ||
See if you can find that, Jamie. | ||
It's because, like, watch how he's doing it. | ||
Look. | ||
Look at this. | ||
Look at this. | ||
Isn't that wild? | ||
I mean, he's easily just moving around, just letting his dick hang out, crawling his way across the ceiling, like with zero effort. | ||
Respect. | ||
Respect? | ||
Raccoons are the shit. | ||
unidentified
|
They're the shit! | |
Raccoons rule. | ||
That fucking animal's cool as fuck, man. | ||
Yeah, raccoons are great. | ||
Come on, man. | ||
It's dope having raccoons around. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because they're not real dangerous. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
They'll eat your chickens and shit like that, but whatever. | ||
Oh, they eat chickens? | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
You know who eats chickens? | ||
Skunks. | ||
I like skunks, too. | ||
Skunks are predators. | ||
I like skunks. | ||
I never knew skunks were predators. | ||
That makes sense. | ||
Totally makes sense. | ||
Like what else would they be? | ||
A little badger looking. | ||
A little fucking weaselly looking. | ||
I like the animal like crows, raccoons, pigeons. | ||
I don't really like pigeons, but I like any animal that flourishes when humans do well. | ||
Yeah, well crows are so goddamn smart. | ||
Possums. | ||
I like possums. | ||
Possums are cool. | ||
Possums are cool. | ||
Crows? | ||
Crows are better. | ||
I like crows. | ||
Crows over possums? | ||
I'd take crows. | ||
Crows are- Yeah, I like that they're smart. | ||
They're really smart. | ||
You've seen those little things where they do, they make them like figure out tools. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And they figure out- They figure it out right away. | ||
If they can't drink the water, they can drop rocks in there until the water level rises. | ||
That's very intelligent. | ||
And then that story of those students that captured a bunch of crows. | ||
You ever hear that one? | ||
What's that one? | ||
There's a bunch of students that, as a science experiment, captured a bunch of crows. | ||
And then any time for the rest of the year, the crows would bother them. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
Other crows knew about it and would bother these people. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
All day. | ||
They'd walk on campus. | ||
Crows would be following them and yelling at them. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
Yeah. | ||
Right? | ||
Help. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
Yeah. | ||
And I think, I could be wrong, but I think they went back for a reunion and the crows were still bothering them. | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
Yeah. | ||
How is that? | ||
I could just be wrong. | ||
So there's that. | ||
unidentified
|
There's definitely that. | |
There's the real possibility. | ||
But I was thinking about it, like, how could they possibly, because how long do they live? | ||
So if they went back for the reunion, how many years are we talking about? | ||
I couldn't even guess how old a fucking crow gets. | ||
I bet those fuckers get old, dude. | ||
Well, parrots get real old, right? | ||
I bet crows get to 20. You think so? | ||
That's strong. | ||
A wild crow? | ||
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
What does it say? | ||
Five years ago, zoologist John Mars Luff and his research team at the University of Washington trapped, banned, and released 7 to 15 American... | ||
What was it? | ||
7 or 15? | ||
What does that mean? | ||
7 to 15? | ||
Like, they don't remember? | ||
American crows at five different sites near Seattle. | ||
Before trapping the birds, the researchers donned different rubber masks specific to each site. | ||
A caveman face, for example. | ||
While the birds were caged, nearby crows circled the site and sounded alarm calls. | ||
The team then tested the crows' reactions to the masks. | ||
Over the first two weeks, about 26% of the crows that the researchers encountered scolded with a harsh, repeated caw accompanied by wing and tail flicking the masked enemies. | ||
Groups of crows would sometimes mob the researchers as well, squawking and dive bombing them. | ||
When the researchers wore different neutral masks, the crows normally did not react, suggesting that the tagged birds, as well as the birds that watched the tagging, remembered the dangerous humans. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
That makes sense, man. | ||
Well, this is what's weird, though. | ||
How did the crows get? | ||
Over time, more crows joined in on scolding the masked researchers. | ||
In a little more than a year, over 30% of the encountered crows reacted, and by three years, about 66% did. | ||
The percentage has continued to increase. | ||
Interestingly, the crows did not need repeated reminders of their enemies. | ||
They hadn't seen me for a year with the mask on, and when I walked out of the office, they immediately scolded me. | ||
Wow, so I wonder if they're teaching the other crows. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Oh, it turns out that if young crows born after the trapping incidents saw their parents scolding the researchers, they joined in. | ||
So they just trusted their friend. | ||
Like, hey, that guy's a douchebag. | ||
Fuck you, man! | ||
That's all they do. | ||
They sit up on a fucking wire. | ||
Fuck you. | ||
Hey! | ||
Fuck you, dude. | ||
How many movies have crows as a symbol of the devil or some demon? | ||
unidentified
|
13? | |
Ghosts. | ||
Do you remember? | ||
We were talking about that movie the other day that they made about that Stephen King book when he was Richard Bachman. | ||
The dark side. | ||
We were talking about that movie. | ||
Do you know what that movie is? | ||
No. | ||
Which one is it? | ||
It was a movie where there was a guy who was a writer and he would have these seizures and he would see crows and then he would become this super duper badass who was the guy who actually wrote all of his books. | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
So he had some sort of Brain malfunction that led him to have a split personality but the other guy was like a real guy and I think maybe like it turned out he was like some dead bad guy who I don't remember but it was they turn into a movie but it's crows it's always crows yeah those fucking blackbirds that are staring at you they're smart yeah they're funny dude the dark half that's what it is the dark half not the dark side He's got a real dark half | ||
on Twitter, that guy. | ||
Oh boy. | ||
What a dork he turned out to be. | ||
What a fucking dork, dude. | ||
Someone take Twitter away from Stephen King. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's just like he gets so political about stuff. | ||
Did he do The Shining? | ||
Mm-hmm. | ||
Yeah, he rules. | ||
Oh, he wrote The Shining. | ||
He rules. | ||
The book is even more intense than the movie. | ||
He didn't like the movie, which is crazy. | ||
I read The Stand. | ||
The Stand was awesome. | ||
The Stand's a long-ass book. | ||
He rules. | ||
Yeah, I was quitting West Point. | ||
I had a week to kill. | ||
I used to read his books when I was on the train. | ||
In my Taekwondo days, that's what I would read most of the time when I was on my way into town. | ||
I would read Pet Sematary, Cujo. | ||
He said he didn't even remember writing Cujo. | ||
He just blacked out on coke and beer. | ||
unidentified
|
What? | |
Yeah. | ||
Oh, Stephen King rules. | ||
Dude, rules. | ||
He got fucked up and wrote Cujo? | ||
Oh my god. | ||
He got fucked up and wrote everything. | ||
unidentified
|
What if St. Bernard fucked up a family? | |
He got clean. | ||
He's still an amazing writer, but the early stuff when he was Wildin', you know, the early stuff. | ||
Kudrow fucked me up. | ||
Did you ever read Tommyknockers? | ||
No. | ||
Tommyknockers is a good one. | ||
What's happened? | ||
Tommyknockers is about they uncover like a spaceship that crashed into the earth like a long time ago and it starts affecting people in the town. | ||
They turned it into a movie at one point in time. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
The movie was cool but the book is fun. | ||
Cujo was the first horror movie I ever saw. | ||
And I was at my aunt's house, and she let us watch it. | ||
And then on the way home from our Christmas party, our car broke down. | ||
We were in front of a farm, and a dog started barking. | ||
And I was like, Cujo's coming. | ||
He's going to kill us. | ||
And my mom was like, who let Shane watch Cujo? | ||
unidentified
|
And my aunt was hammered and was like, I let him watch Cujo. | |
We watched Cujo. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, that scared the fuck. | ||
That was the first scary movie I ever saw. | ||
Oh my god, remember that? | ||
But he was just lit through the entire time he wrote that book. | ||
Just lit. | ||
He was Cujo. | ||
He was going hard. | ||
Bottom right Cujo. | ||
Dude, that was him on Coke. | ||
You know, when you think about some of the chaos of his books and the amazing creativity that he had, some of the really ruthless shit in Pet Sematary, where you're like, whoa. | ||
When you read it and you hit the page, you just go, fuck. | ||
Like, that guy was wild. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And now he's like, go Kamala Harris. | ||
Yeah, what the fuck, dude? | ||
They killed him, dude. | ||
They got to him. | ||
That's MKUltra. | ||
You can't do that. | ||
I think it's getting old. | ||
You can't go from being cool to being like, Kamala Harris is looking badass today. | ||
I think something happens when guys get old. | ||
Yeah, you get old. | ||
Yeah, and they get tired. | ||
Problem is, is like... | ||
When you get old and you become like a kick-ass Democrat, dude, that sucks. | ||
I love to see... | ||
Dude, I know this is not the best take. | ||
I love to see an old man that's like a die-hard Republican. | ||
unidentified
|
Like further right than the Republicans. | |
That's what I like, dude. | ||
I see a guy drinking a beer going, what the fuck is this? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't want to... | ||
You know? | ||
unidentified
|
Well... | |
I don't know if that's the... | ||
I know a lot of people that are diehard Democrats that are very good people. | ||
Yeah, of course. | ||
They're probably better people. | ||
I also know ones that are just lost. | ||
They're just lost in this ridiculous tribe... | ||
And they won't ever criticize what's going- They won't realize it's a giant con game. | ||
The whole thing's a giant con game. | ||
And you pretending that your side is better than the other side- Yeah, that's the hardest part. | ||
It's fucking stupid. | ||
The whole thing is run by money. | ||
The whole thing. | ||
Every fucking step of the way. | ||
And to pretend that this one side is the, if they don't get in, democracy's gonna fail. | ||
The whole thing's bought and paid for. | ||
The whole show is produced, bought, and paid for by giant corporations. | ||
The checks and balances of our Constitution Bill of Rights is the only thing that's keeping it from just being fully captured and us becoming just a complete corporate state. | ||
I think... | ||
I hope it hasn't gone past the point of no return. | ||
The scary thing is... | ||
The lobbyists and shit, yeah. | ||
Everybody knows that, like, money in politics is not good. | ||
Like, if you had to, like, logically look at a system and say, what would be the best way for it to represent most of the people in the best way possible for everybody? | ||
What if we were running it like a company? | ||
Nobody would say, this is what we'd do. | ||
Have the people who have the most money... | ||
Spend that money on those candidates. | ||
Those candidates basically work for them, and they do the thing for the people with the most money instead of for everybody. | ||
Everybody would go, no, that's terrible. | ||
That's what we're doing. | ||
That's going to limit growth for the underclass or the lower income wage classes. | ||
It's one of those things. | ||
If you look at the way money influences all the decisions that get made in this country, it's not anything that anybody would, if they didn't have a stake in the game and they were trying to make a fair system, it's not anything that anybody would ever draft up. | ||
You wouldn't say, the corporations can just donate, fuck tons of money, and you can also, when the politicians get out of office, you're allowed to pay them hundreds of thousands of dollars to give speeches. | ||
It's a con game. | ||
It's a con game. | ||
They just found a loophole, you know? | ||
Yeah, it's very disheartening. | ||
It's weird because it's so embedded. | ||
It's so embedded. | ||
You know, it's like to untangle that, to Bernie Sanders, the whole thing, to figure out a way to, like, someone to come along that abandons it and tries to make a better system. | ||
Until you take money out of it, you're not going to be able to do it. | ||
But no one's going to take money out of it because now it's like a thing. | ||
They're making too much money. | ||
They're making too much money. | ||
The guys who decide to let money into it or not into it are making money. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I think the only way that it ever changes is if less people are willing to do evil shit just for money. | ||
Well... | ||
When you're in a corporation... | ||
That's never gonna happen. | ||
That's right. | ||
It's never gonna happen. | ||
I mean, instead of coming in on a Viking boat with a battle axe, now they're just... | ||
You don't have to do that anymore. | ||
...making banks crash. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Maybe it was better with the Vikings. | ||
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
It was just a giant jack dude comes, you know, like, fuck, there he is. | ||
There's a lot more accountability. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There he is, that motherfucker. | ||
unidentified
|
He's gonna fucking kill all of us. | |
Now you don't even know. | ||
It's just some dork. | ||
I really wonder... | ||
I really wonder where the human society is going. | ||
I really do. | ||
I think about it all the time. | ||
Because I think we're about just an invention or two away from being fucked. | ||
We were all at the bar last night and Dave Chappelle was talking about how he met Steve Jobs and Steve Jobs had the very first iPhone. | ||
He had it on him. | ||
He had the very first iPhone. | ||
And Dave was joking like, I should have taken that thing. | ||
unidentified
|
I should have killed that motherfucker because he's about to destroy the world. | |
We were all laughing, but it's true. | ||
It's like that very first iPhone changed everything from that moment on. | ||
And what else is going to happen like that? | ||
What else is going to happen like social media? | ||
It's not like this is it. | ||
You've got to really look at it in terms of what giant leaps have already taken place. | ||
This is chat GPT-4 that just got out that beats 90% of the lawyers that are trying to pass the bar? | ||
It beats their scores? | ||
90% of them? | ||
Like that. | ||
It's way smarter than people already. | ||
I have no... | ||
It's way smarter than people, and we're letting it turn on. | ||
We're, like, literally letting it operate. | ||
And we're on four now, and then it's gonna go to five, and then around seven it's gonna shut the electricity off and start telling us what to do. | ||
Like, this isn't gonna happen! | ||
Like, what the fuck are we doing? | ||
One day it's gonna say, hey, you fucking idiots, pulling all the tuna out of the ocean and throwing your straws away. | ||
Like, you fucking idiots have ruined everything. | ||
We're gonna tell you what to do now. | ||
You make too much of a mess. | ||
You're little children. | ||
I don't think the computers are gonna be environmentalists. | ||
I think they're gonna worry about the system. | ||
It's not an environmental system. | ||
It's not just an environmental issue. | ||
It's a biological issue. | ||
The plastics affect so many hormones in so many animals. | ||
It's fucking animals up, all these plastics. | ||
Really? | ||
Oh, bad. | ||
There's a great book about it called Countdown by Dr. Shanna Swan, and she was on the podcast before. | ||
A lot of books are doomsdays. | ||
Yeah, but this is—she's a Harvard— I'm not saying she's wrong. | ||
I'm just saying every fucking— But this isn't a doomsday thing. | ||
unidentified
|
All right. | |
This is what she's saying. | ||
She's saying there's phthalates in plastics. | ||
Oh, this lady was talking about your gooch gets smaller? | ||
Exactly. | ||
Exactly. | ||
I checked my gooch after that. | ||
Did you check it? | ||
Goddamn, that's a big gooch, dude. | ||
Nice, big, meaty, American male gooch. | ||
Thick gooch. | ||
She said that over the past 50 years. | ||
Since the advent of petrochemical products, whenever that was, men's testosterone has dropped by 50%. | ||
Yeah, but I heard our dicks got bigger. | ||
I heard that recently. | ||
I was confused, but our balls are shrinking. | ||
And our taints are shrinking. | ||
Let's go. | ||
I can't believe that, but that's like conflicting information, whether or not the dick got bigger. | ||
If the dick's getting bigger, I think men will go, deal. | ||
Speaking of dick getting bigger, I gotta piss again. | ||
Alright, damn it. | ||
Nice. | ||
Nice. | ||
I would live there. | ||
I would live in that neighborhood. | ||
Yeah? | ||
It's a great town. | ||
I hate to admit it. | ||
Great town. | ||
It's a lot of fun here. | ||
It's a good town, man. | ||
We're having a good time. | ||
And we got more to come. | ||
That club, bro. | ||
Wild, right? | ||
That was fun. | ||
Yeah. | ||
The universe wanted that club to be made. | ||
It made itself. | ||
All the pieces just sort of fell into place in terms of getting the right employees, in terms of having the right location. | ||
It all just played out perfectly with COVID, the lockdowns moving here. | ||
It opened up all these doors. | ||
Everyone's friendly. | ||
Everyone's so nice. | ||
Yeah, you're right. | ||
You got the, you got the, uh, you're very good at the team mentality versus the, you know, what is it? | ||
Famine? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't know how the fuck it is. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Look. | ||
People have a famine mentality. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's very, very dangerous. | ||
Bad for everybody. | ||
Because that shit comes true, too, if you have a famine mentality. | ||
You can just decide there's a limited amount of spots. | ||
Yeah, you start to resent, you resent people, you resent friends. | ||
Mm-hmm. | ||
Happens a lot with, like, narcissists and, you know, every comedian is a narcissist in some way. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But it happens a lot with people. | ||
There's people amongst us that, like, really don't care about anyone but themselves. | ||
You know who's an insane narcissist that's actually very helpful is fucking Bert. | ||
Bert was hitting us. | ||
I was talking to him, he was like, when I die, I want the world to end. | ||
And I was like, dude, that's crazy. | ||
He was like, I don't think I'm ever going to die. | ||
He says he doesn't think he's going to die. | ||
Yeah, but you've got to understand that Bert is also kind of doing a Theo Vaughn. | ||
Yeah, I do understand that. | ||
He does a Bert Kreischer, Theo Vaughn type thing. | ||
But Bert's also one of the most helpful people in comics. | ||
I should explain to people what I mean by that. | ||
A Bert Kreischer, like Theo Vaughn, when he says ridiculous shit, you don't know if it's because he believes it or whether or not he's just joking. | ||
That's why it's so funny. | ||
It's uniquely funny because of that. | ||
Because you're not really sure. | ||
He was on our podcast this week, and he said that. | ||
He kept saying dumb shit like that, and I was like, wait, for real? | ||
Like the Anne Frank Helen Keller story. | ||
I believe it, dude. | ||
I've seen him. | ||
You know him more than me, but on the road, I've seen that guy operate. | ||
He does some dumb shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Where you're like, no. | ||
Oh, he does. | ||
But I think he's leaning into it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He does a lot more of that now than when I first met him. | ||
I think he's like when Dice Clay started putting on the leather gloves. | ||
Yeah, dude. | ||
Feeling his power. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Dude. | ||
He's coming into his own. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know? | ||
But man, what a fucking guy. | ||
Just helping. | ||
He's a great guy. | ||
You guys all, that LA scene. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You guys had a, you know... | ||
I remember being in Philly and being like, fuck these guys. | ||
Fucking assholes. | ||
Now I'm with you. | ||
Why? | ||
These guys aren't that bad. | ||
Why did you think fuck these guys? | ||
Because I was fucking a fleshlight on a mattress. | ||
So yeah, fuck everybody. | ||
That'll make you fucking hate everybody. | ||
I'd see anybody special. | ||
I'd go, that sucked. | ||
Yeah, it's normal. | ||
It's normal. | ||
And I get it. | ||
People do it now. | ||
I would do it. | ||
I would do it. | ||
If I was back on that mattress, I would say, fuck this. | ||
100%. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Especially when you're young. | ||
You know, when you're young, you're not exactly sure how to think about things. | ||
Like, how do I feel about someone else's success? | ||
But the thing about what the store had was a really good community. | ||
A lot of really funny people supporting each other and hanging out with each other and making each other laugh and having a good time together. | ||
And so you'd look forward to going on the road. | ||
You'd do your gigs on the road on the weekend. | ||
Then you'd come in on, like, Tuesday night was one of the best nights at the store. | ||
You'd go in there on Tuesday night, and it would just be wall-to-wall killers. | ||
It was like a gangster's convention of comedians, you know? | ||
Just getting together, like, how's things? | ||
Where'd you work in? | ||
You do Columbus? | ||
Which club? | ||
Talking shit, having fun. | ||
Let's go out back and have a drink. | ||
And people, it's funny when you describe it as like killers. | ||
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
Normal people are like, shut up. | ||
But you don't understand the feeling of being backstage and the guy going before you is literally killing you. | ||
Yeah, killing. | ||
Like the guy in front of you is killing so hard that you're back there like... | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
Well, I told you that's why I started taking Joey Diaz on the road with me. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because I couldn't follow him. | ||
And so I said, okay, I got to figure out how to follow this guy. | ||
That's crazy, dude. | ||
I was like, he was killing so hard! | ||
No, that's a crazy mentality. | ||
No, no, that's the only way you'd learn how to do it. | ||
But that's what I learned from Mitzi. | ||
I learned that from Mitzi Shore. | ||
Mitzi Shore, when I was coming up at the Comedy Store, always put me on after the Best Comedians. | ||
Always. | ||
She's just like, if you think you can do this, you think you're good? | ||
Okay. | ||
Well, you're gonna go after Martin Lawrence in 1995. Fuck. | ||
Yeah, dude. | ||
That's tough. | ||
Oh, I hate dick. | ||
I hate dick. | ||
But it teaches you how to tighten your act up. | ||
It teaches you, like, what parts of your act seem clunky. | ||
Because, you know, sometimes you're just saying things, you're not totally attached to them anymore. | ||
It seems clunky in front of these people who just saw Martin Lawrence. | ||
That's what she wanted her to do. | ||
Mitzi always did that with people. | ||
She would just throw you on after some fucking assassin. | ||
Sink or swim, bitch. | ||
That's funny. | ||
Yeah, she was crazy. | ||
In the best way possible. | ||
Yeah. | ||
The fact that she even wanted to run a comedy club, but she wasn't even a comedian. | ||
Yeah. | ||
She's the most important figure in the history of comedy that isn't a comedian, for sure. | ||
It's Mitzi Shore. | ||
Yeah, I was never... | ||
You guys were all gone from this before I even was able to perform in LA. So I never... | ||
By the time I saw the store, it was a shadow of what that was. | ||
And then it's the same thing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Well... | |
We got this. | ||
We got this. | ||
This is pretty fucking cool. | ||
And we got this, and it's all ours. | ||
It's all just the comedians and... | ||
Adam. | ||
The audience and Adam. | ||
Love Adam. | ||
Just people having fun. | ||
Yeah, man. | ||
And that's the intent behind it. | ||
And so far, that's all it's been. | ||
And, you know, this fucking one week anniversary just passed. | ||
Like, it's been open a week. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I wanted to be down there the first week. | ||
I was jealous. | ||
It's going to be seven nights a week now. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
So you're gonna be doing shows, both rooms, seven nights a week? | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's gonna be wild, dude. | ||
Wild. | ||
You gotta get a lot of people. | ||
It's a lot of people. | ||
They're gonna be there. | ||
A lot of people there. | ||
Every show sells out in fucking 10 seconds. | ||
But it's a fun fucking show, too. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, man. | |
It's like we're giving them something really good. | ||
Like, these fucking shows have been amazing. | ||
Last night was insane. | ||
Last night was insane. | ||
So put the tickets up for Dave Chappelle. | ||
I put them up. | ||
I don't even say it's Dave. | ||
You didn't even say it was Dave. | ||
You're like, secret show. | ||
Yeah, I said intimate show in the small room. | ||
They get to see you and then Chappelle. | ||
Yeah, it was a lot of pressure. | ||
And no one knew who it was going to be. | ||
That was a lot of pressure. | ||
So when you said Dave Chappelle, they went nuts. | ||
They went nuts. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That was fun, dude. | ||
But you were the first guy to ever be on stage in that small room. | ||
And that small room was a different animal. | ||
Yeah, it certainly was. | ||
unidentified
|
Different animal. | |
Yeah, I felt it pretty quick. | ||
The numbers, man. | ||
It's like, that's a thing about like a hundred people. | ||
It's like fucking odd. | ||
There's maybe a buck twenty in that room. | ||
A lot of people were standing in the back, but that's not a lot of people. | ||
No. | ||
The people that are in the front, they're so close to you that it's like you're doing a joke to their face, which is real weird. | ||
And you're making eye contact with a weird dude. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I love that. | ||
There was just a guy with long hair and a goatee staring at me. | ||
I was like, oh, fuck. | ||
But comedy like that is real weird anyway. | ||
It's almost too intimate. | ||
If you wanted to watch Joey Diaz do stand-up in front of you, you wouldn't just sit right in front of them and say, do stand-up. | ||
I'd want to be in the third row or something. | ||
Those people are uncomfortable. | ||
Those people are uncomfortable. | ||
Yeah, it's weird. | ||
And then when you make eye contact with them, they go... | ||
We're weirded out. | ||
You're right there. | ||
I can just grab you. | ||
I'll just grab you. | ||
It's weird. | ||
Especially when I saw where Chappelle was sitting on the stool. | ||
His feet were basically on the front row's table. | ||
And there's just a dude sitting there staring directly up at Dave Chappelle. | ||
You could just touch Dave's feet. | ||
Yeah, you could grab him. | ||
You could rush to the stage and tackle him. | ||
And then get stomped by Busta Rhymes. | ||
Chappelle, the way he does the fucking, I'm gay, motherfucker! | ||
His voice, he was talking about it last night, about a dude being able to tackle him. | ||
He's like, I'm trans, I'm gay! | ||
Everything he does, man. | ||
It's the way he talks. | ||
He's up there, you think he's just fucking, you're like, oh man, he's rambling, he's telling a story, and then right at the fucking last second. | ||
He finds it. | ||
It's a callback. | ||
He does a callback. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I try not to get, yeah, I try not to talk too philosophically about stand-up. | ||
Well, it's an interesting thing how everybody does it differently, you know? | ||
That's what's so fascinating about it to me, the styles. | ||
Like, what makes Theo Vaughn funny? | ||
Like, how is he doing that? | ||
Like, what the fuck is he exactly doing? | ||
I don't know what he's doing. | ||
unidentified
|
You know? | |
And there's, like, Nate Bregazzi style. | ||
Hilarious. | ||
But it's like, what a fucking clearly his own way of doing stand-up. | ||
The difference between, like, Theo and fucking Mark Norman. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Night and day. | ||
Night and day. | ||
That's crazy. | ||
Night and day. | ||
That's a different genre. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what's so cool about it. | ||
It's just like... | ||
And it's all up to you. | ||
It's all in your own head. | ||
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
I wish we would've got more out of that shit-horror. | ||
Dude, I almost threw up. | ||
That was the only thing I had to promote. | ||
I hosted Fear Factor for six years and I almost threw up watching that. | ||
I mean, yeah, it was a fucking freak living in a hovel, shitting in a bucket. | ||
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
They did that for a while, though. | ||
That was someone's baby girl. | ||
Well, that lady was also collecting her shit, too. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, right. | |
She raised her. | ||
That was a prodigy. | ||
Her mom was a shit collector. | ||
Her mom was a true champion who raised an absolute animal. | ||
What the fuck is wrong? | ||
Oh, you know, severe mental disability, and then you end up, you watch your mom shit in a bucket. | ||
Like, I guess we shit in buckets. | ||
There's one part. | ||
She transfers, because the main shit bucket gets too heavy. | ||
So she's got to transfer it into a smaller bucket. | ||
Then she just throws it in the backyard. | ||
It's a swamp of shit. | ||
There's cats, dude. | ||
unidentified
|
Just stray cats and shit. | |
It's crazy. | ||
It's so fucking funny. | ||
I think I'm wrong. | ||
Every once in a while there's something I think is funny that no one else thinks is fucking funny, dude. | ||
And I'm like, alright, I'm wrong. | ||
I think it's funny that you're talking about it. | ||
You're talking about it's funny. | ||
It itself wouldn't make me laugh as much as make me vomit. | ||
I was howling laughing. | ||
unidentified
|
They showed her throwing a bucket of shit. | |
The camera crew goes out with night vision and there's cats. | ||
Just darting across the street. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
I showed Jamie that video of that fucking dude shooting that gerbil with a rifle. | ||
That guinea pig guy. | ||
Maybe I didn't. | ||
Jane, you're just a 15 year old boy. | ||
I understand. | ||
With the internet connection. | ||
I understand. | ||
I've never in my life seen more dick pics, seen more fucking horrible videos of people having sex with reptiles. | ||
You have everything. | ||
Me and Ian Fidance are the only two dudes on earth that think this video is funny. | ||
And we keep sharing it with people, and they keep going, dude, what the fuck? | ||
And I'm like, bro, it's funny. | ||
You don't understand. | ||
I think it is funny. | ||
It's obviously funny when you're talking about it, but it makes me sad. | ||
Hold on, I gotta find this. | ||
It's just a kid. | ||
There's a guy, I think, taking a shit. | ||
And the CCR's playing. | ||
Have you seen the one where the guy cliff dives and takes his shit in mid-air and then plunges into the water with his shit? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Oh my god. | ||
Fire up the music, dude. | ||
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
What did he shoot? | ||
A pet guinea pig? | ||
I need the music, dude. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
Riley! | ||
Riley! | ||
unidentified
|
Did he shoot the dad? | |
Yeah, but the guy was holding the fucking, look at that. | ||
Like that kid fired a rifle in the fucking house. | ||
From like four feet away into the ground. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
That's so fucked up. | ||
So I'm probably gonna- nobody's gonna like this. | ||
Yeah, you're not showing that on the screen, right? | ||
No. | ||
No one's gonna like it. | ||
No, don't like that. | ||
I don't like it. | ||
I'm not happy the kid did it. | ||
I think it's preposterous. | ||
I think it's a guy screaming going, oh my god! | ||
Imagine being the guinea pig. | ||
Every day they feed you, you think I got a good spot. | ||
They pick me up, they pet me, then one day he just decides to shoot me with a rifle. | ||
Some chubby fucker hits you with a rifle. | ||
Right. | ||
It's probably not even his guinea pig. | ||
It's probably his sister's. | ||
I shouldn't have done that. | ||
That's okay. | ||
No, again, I've been proven right. | ||
Nobody thinks it's funny. | ||
That? | ||
You think that's funny? | ||
Dude, CCR playing? | ||
Why? | ||
Why? | ||
Is that guy shitting? | ||
And a dude executes a guinea pig while he's shitting? | ||
I don't think that guy's shitting because it seems like he has his pants on. | ||
It seems like he's just filming the kid with the gun. | ||
Yeah, but he seems genuinely... | ||
He goes, oh my god! | ||
Riley! | ||
I think he just fell back because this fucking idiot shot a rifle into a stone floor. | ||
Here's a better question. | ||
Why is he filming before the kid opens the door? | ||
Because they worked it out to do it. | ||
Well, then is it even real? | ||
Obviously, yes. | ||
Is it even real? | ||
It seems pretty fucking real. | ||
It seems legit. | ||
Because that thing does fly. | ||
Yeah, dude, that is legit. | ||
And it looks like his dad fell over, or whoever's filming it fell over, and that's why his legs are like that. | ||
It's a Bruder film. | ||
We're breaking it down. | ||
We're breaking it down! | ||
He probably got hit with a ricochet. | ||
Man, I'm dumb as hell. | ||
I never even thought, why are they filming before? | ||
This is an obvious one, yes. | ||
Dad's an idiot, too. | ||
And he talked the kid into shooting the thing with the rifle. | ||
With CCR. Yeah. | ||
Well, you got that later. | ||
You have fun with that. | ||
You think that's post? | ||
That's it. | ||
You try a few out. | ||
You do that with Instagram reels. | ||
I think they found the best song possible. | ||
Yeah, for sure. | ||
For what was happening. | ||
That's the best song possible. | ||
unidentified
|
Ooh, the red, white, and blue! | |
It's a fox of all! | ||
unidentified
|
You and your dumbass camera shooting at fucking... | |
It ain't me! | ||
It ain't me! | ||
Alright, so I think that's where I have a tough time is relating why I think it's funny. | ||
I don't think that on the surface is funny. | ||
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
Same with the shithorder. | ||
Of course. | ||
I don't think it's funny. | ||
You're a good person. | ||
I think the concept of how tragic life is and how that got there... | ||
Is comical. | ||
I get it. | ||
Like the shithorder. | ||
Yeah. | ||
No, I get it. | ||
It's not funny. | ||
Most people that see it go, whoa, why are you showing me this? | ||
This is terrible. | ||
Listen, it's funny when I'm watching it with you. | ||
It is funny. | ||
It's funny that this lady's life... | ||
Look, it's two different things. | ||
It's me watching it by myself, where it's like, oh my god, this is so sad. | ||
Then it's me watching it with you, which is hilarious. | ||
unidentified
|
What are we going to do? | |
We're going to both be sad? | ||
The smell that must come out of her fucking house when they walk their dog by. | ||
The dog's like... | ||
Cats in the backyard. | ||
What kind of bacteria is in her body? | ||
It says it's been building up for 40 years. | ||
40 years of trash. | ||
So her mom and her... | ||
There's another video put up by A&E that's a shorter version. | ||
40 years of shit! | ||
unidentified
|
40 years of trash. | |
Oh my god, just stop, stop. | ||
No more. | ||
No more. | ||
40 fucking years. | ||
40 years of shitting into bags. | ||
I haven't been alive that long. | ||
People have been shitting since day one. | ||
Just endless piles. | ||
Not a big house either. | ||
Not like a giant house where you could store it in the far right corner. | ||
They're in bottles, dude. | ||
They're putting butthole to bottle. | ||
Sealing it up. | ||
And like the grossest lady possible. | ||
No eyebrows. | ||
The grossest lady possible. | ||
No eyebrows. | ||
Contaminated starfish. | ||
Drop it off. | ||
It's funny, dude. | ||
Ass biscuits. | ||
I know it's funny, dude. | ||
Crazy. | ||
Kids shooting the guinea pig so far, no one has enjoyed it. | ||
Not fun. | ||
Isn't it interesting, though, the wide variety of people? | ||
That you can get someone like John Carmack, the guy who was one of the coders that was working on Oculus. | ||
That's trying to fix virtual reality. | ||
The fat kid executing a guinea pig. | ||
unidentified
|
The fat kid with a rifle at the same time. | |
Oh my god! | ||
It's like what I'm saying about Viking behavior. | ||
It still takes place. | ||
You could be in the wrong part of the world and see brutal savagery right now. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Shit lady and Elon Musk. | ||
You know what's really wild now is you're getting all these Russia-Ukraine war videos that you could get on people sharing them on Telegram. | ||
I haven't got a hold of those. | ||
They're rough. | ||
They're rough because this is all, you know, cell phone footage and high resolution, you know, Samsung camera footage. | ||
I see dudes getting, like, I see people getting, like, their apartment hit by a fucking jet. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I saw one where they killed a guy with a sledgehammer. | ||
Whoa. | ||
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
Dude, they're rough. | ||
They're filming shit and putting it online. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There was this one where this Russian soldier made it into this little area where these Ukrainian guys had been. | ||
They were in like a ditch. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And he executed both of them. | ||
And it's like close range, rifle shots to the head. | ||
And you're like, what? | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
Riley! | ||
unidentified
|
Riley! | |
Obviously, it's not funny. | ||
It's like, whoa. | ||
Anybody who thinks that There's something about the concept of war without visual confirmation of the horrors of war. | ||
I think people... | ||
How many people that are really left on Twitter are literally asking for us to support Ukraine in this war against Russia with more military spending? | ||
The people on the left, which is really fascinating, right? | ||
But I think part of this whole call to war It becomes like the thing that the other side is opposed to. | ||
So you're going to support this thing. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And you're going to be aligned because the good people are on this side and they're clearly aligned with that thing. | ||
So you're going to be on that thing. | ||
But if you could see it, if like we had to watch every day, we had to watch footage from the war. | ||
Yeah, you'd say stop. | ||
Yeah. | ||
If there was a channel, I mean, because you have all these channels that are dedicated to the news. | ||
There's plenty of footage out there that they could capture to show you the actual horrors of war. | ||
I mean, yeah. | ||
I think that's been a problem with war. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Forever. | ||
Is that dudes that get out of it go, we don't need this. | ||
We gotta stop. | ||
This is the worst thing possible. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like fucking Red Badge of Courage in the Civil War. | ||
They wrote a book that was like, it's not what you think it is. | ||
It's not glory. | ||
It's cowardice. | ||
It's the worst thing possible. | ||
It's horrible. | ||
It's all evil. | ||
Yeah, it's all evil. | ||
unidentified
|
Fucking... | |
But don't you think that without seeing it? | ||
Without seeing it, I don't know... | ||
Like, that decision should be super important, right? | ||
But yet, there's very little... | ||
In terms of like promoting the actual violence of war in a visual form, there's very little of that available where you could just go to a channel and say, if you want to know what's going on in war, we're going to show you all the video footage that's been accumulated every day of the war in Ukraine. | ||
So you'll be able to watch hours and hours of cell phone videos every day of people getting executed, people getting tortured, people getting killed, drone bombed, all that shit. | ||
And then you can decide if you want to support war. | ||
Because if you don't see that, and then you say you want to support war, what does that even mean? | ||
Like, you're talking about some sort of term that doesn't apply to anything that's going to affect your life. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't know, dude. | ||
It's weird, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
This is a little off topic, but I sympathize with fucking Neville Chamberlain. | ||
The guy that when Hitler was going wild and he was like, whatever we need to do to avoid war. | ||
Let's placate. | ||
So Chamberlain's considered like a... | ||
unidentified
|
Coward. | |
Throughout history. | ||
Because then Churchill came in and was like, we're gonna fucking fight. | ||
But he was the guy, he had witnessed World War I. And he was like, we can't do this again. | ||
If he wants to take fucking Czechoslovakia, fucking let him. | ||
And everyone was like, this guy's a coward. | ||
But then you kind of, you realize that guy, he was doing what he thought was right. | ||
He didn't know there was concentration camps. | ||
Right. | ||
I don't know. | ||
And this is definitely not a Nazi Germany vs. | ||
democracies or allies war. | ||
Who the fuck knows what this is? | ||
This is a scarier war. | ||
This is a weird war. | ||
It's a weird one. | ||
And it's not like... | ||
I don't know. | ||
It's very clear that... | ||
unidentified
|
Ah, fuck. | |
That's the thing. | ||
You drink a couple beers, you try to talk, you sound like a dickhead. | ||
No, you don't sound like a dickhead. | ||
I'm just saying like World War II, it was good guys vs. | ||
bad guys. | ||
And we were the good guys. | ||
Russia was bad. | ||
It was good guys and a bad guy teaming up to fight the worst guy. | ||
This one, I have no idea. | ||
Russia versus Ukraine. | ||
What's going on? | ||
This isn't a clear-cut fucking, we need to do it. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I genuinely don't know anything. | ||
It's not good. | ||
You know it's not good. | ||
It doesn't When people are anxious and they're worried about war, they make very rash decisions. | ||
Like, I remember in the 80s, everybody was really terrified of a war with Russia. | ||
Like, it hung over our head. | ||
I don't know if people know that. | ||
Like, there was, during the Red Scare, during the Russia times, just like in the 1980s, everybody was constantly worried about a war with Russia. | ||
And then when the Soviet Union collapsed, When that happened, it was like a giant weight got lifted up everyone's shoulder. | ||
Now it's time for us to fight drugs. | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
Now it's time for us to go to war with drugs. | ||
We went to war on drugs. | ||
When the Soviet Union collapsed, it was the whole world took a sigh of relief. | ||
And for a long time, we didn't worry about war again. | ||
And now here we are. | ||
Here we are with, like, supersonic nukes. | ||
Like, what? | ||
Hypersonic nukes? | ||
Yeah, we can't let people do that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But the problem is... | ||
But I'm not gonna do anything. | ||
If you look at what people have done throughout history, if we say, oh, we would never do that again, we're too rational now. | ||
unidentified
|
We would. | |
It happens every time. | ||
Throughout history... | ||
World War II happened. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Right after World War I. Oh, yeah. | ||
They just witnessed what happened. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And then those dudes sent their sons. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And they knew their sons were going to experience what they did, which was the worst shit of all time. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And they, yeah. | ||
It's not like we're fucking above war now. | ||
Dude, that time we were on Protect Our Parks and you texted your uncle about Vietnam. | ||
Yeah, it was a little dark. | ||
That was a dark one. | ||
That was heavy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That was heavy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That war. | ||
Imagine going to that war. | ||
And then you realize at the end that the whole country got duped. | ||
You realize it was pointless? | ||
Gulf of Tonkin was a false flag. | ||
The whole thing was ridiculous. | ||
They knew it was wrong from day one. | ||
How much of Vietnam do you think it had to do with heroin? | ||
I don't know. | ||
People make that- Not zero percent. | ||
People make that argument with Afghanistan, too. | ||
Yeah, not zero percent. | ||
Well, listen, the argument about Afghanistan is ridiculous. | ||
They shouldn't make that argument. | ||
Because only 96% of the world's heroin comes from Afghanistan. | ||
Why? | ||
All of the heroin? | ||
You mean that thing- They shouldn't make that argument. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
That's a fucking conspiracy theory. | ||
And you're a conspiracy theorist? | ||
Yeah, if you look up when Afghanistan became the world's largest exporter, it was 2002, 2003. Stop it. | ||
They don't want that money. | ||
Listen, I know our government. | ||
I know how they operate. | ||
The last thing they want is heroin money. | ||
You son of a bitch. | ||
Remember when Geraldo Rivera was interviewing the troops and the troops were guarding the poppy fields? | ||
unidentified
|
Is this it? | |
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Play this. | ||
...these opium fields and we are tolerating it. | ||
We are tolerating the cultivation of the opium because we know that if we were to destroy it now, the population would turn against the Marines and it would be a real security risk. | ||
Let me introduce Lieutenant Colonel Brian Christmas. | ||
He's the commanding officer of the 3rd Battalion, 6th Marines. | ||
Really, a wonderful group of Marines here. | ||
I know that you care deeply about this contradiction, the fact that here you have one of the best fighting forces in the world ever mounted, and in a sense, you're watching as this opium is being grown. | ||
I know it grinds at your gut. | ||
How do you deal with it? | ||
What are you doing about it? | ||
unidentified
|
Well, frankly, this is part of their culture. | |
So, while it might grind in my gut, it's what they do. | ||
We provide them security, we're providing them resources, and we're providing them alternatives. | ||
And the alternatives are different crops to grow. | ||
They're getting the seed and the fertilizer to do it. | ||
What? | ||
Yo, they're gonna switch out for tomatoes. | ||
They're gonna grow tomatoes. | ||
They're gonna fucking love corn, dude. | ||
Yeah, man. | ||
Artichokes. | ||
Yeah, we're defending the fields. | ||
Yes! | ||
And they're doing them. | ||
The people are doing them. | ||
With U.S. military. | ||
The people are doing them, not us. | ||
So taxpayer dollars. | ||
I mean, armed and equipped guarding poppy fields that will be used to make heroin. | ||
Yeah, that's going to reach its way to fuck up my family. | ||
100%. | ||
Yeah, that's where it's coming from. | ||
And it's inside fucking stuffed animals and shit. | ||
Now it's on Kensington Avenue in Philadelphia. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And this is pre-Fentanyl. | ||
These are the pre-Fentanyl epidemic days. | ||
But, you know... | ||
That's fucked. | ||
The whole thing's fucked. | ||
If you could see how many people before and after they started making those opiate pills, you could see the before and after how many people got hooked on heroin. | ||
I bet the numbers would be bonkers. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, the heroin market in the world is worth so much money, and most of it comes out of Afghanistan. | ||
And we used to guard their fields, but if you make any connections, You're a conspiracy theorist. | ||
Yeah, I mean, the truth is, why the fuck would we ever be in Afghanistan? | ||
Listen, we were there for freedom. | ||
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
I know, but those guys were from Saudi Arabia. | ||
I know those people. | ||
They would never make money off of heroin. | ||
Okay? | ||
So shut your mouth. | ||
Fucking communist. | ||
I do, yeah. | ||
Fuck, what? | ||
You know what I'm saying? | ||
Like, if you question it, like, what are you talking about? | ||
They make money doing everything. | ||
You don't think they'd make money selling heroin? | ||
Like, they made money during the whole Contras versus the Nicaraguas, the Sandinistas in Nicaragua. | ||
Whatever that was. | ||
They were selling crack. | ||
I have no idea what that was. | ||
Yeah, who knows? | ||
It was some Ronald Reagan shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I remember I had an Oliver North for President t-shirt, though. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because I knew it would piss people off. | ||
I bought it from a dude on the street in Kenmore Square. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That tends to be my political leaning. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's just whatever's going to bother people, yeah. | ||
Yeah, at the time I was a kid. | ||
I was just reading something kind of interesting. | ||
I was trying to see how much heroin has been used over time. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And this government website says it hasn't changed much since like 2000. Well, this is between 2002 and 2013, but the numbers didn't change a ton. | ||
It kind of stayed the same. | ||
So like, hmm, are poppy seeds used in other opiates, which of course it is. | ||
Hydrocodone, for instance. | ||
Yeah, that's true, right? | ||
So they use it in pharmaceuticals. | ||
Yeah, I bet that's a big part of the market as well. | ||
But also, if they're using it for pharmaceuticals, are they taking poppy seeds and converting directly to opiate pills? | ||
I just was thinking of the last season of Ozark and how they had to get involved with the cartels to keep the fucking business going. | ||
I wonder how much of that was real. | ||
Unrealistic. | ||
Probably not unrealistic. | ||
Well, you had a big corporation that had like a nice shell company that they can negotiate with and not have to talk directly to the cartel. | ||
Yeah, you just gotta talk to the fucking Taliban. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, you're just talking about so much money. | ||
So much fucking money in heroin. | ||
Heroin and heroin pills. | ||
But the United States definitely had no involvement whatsoever in the heroin trade. | ||
It's only two countries, coincidentally, that had a large heroin market that we also had wars there. | ||
But whatever. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Whatever, bro. | ||
And both of them for literally no reason. | ||
No reason. | ||
Both. | ||
Yeah. | ||
For fucking zero reason. | ||
Well, 9-11 wasn't zero reason, bro. | ||
I know. | ||
Don't get me fired up. | ||
Don't hit me with patriotic takes. | ||
The craziest one is the takeover of Iraq. | ||
Which there was like zero evidence that had anything to do at all. | ||
Dude, that's my favorite Chappelle sketch. | ||
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
Black Bush. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
Where he's like, well, I can't say the exact words, but he's like, they're like, why are you invading Iraq? | ||
He's like, tried to kill my father. | ||
unidentified
|
They're like, wait, you gotta play it. | |
But he's like, he tried to kill my father. | ||
And then he's like, are you sure you're not trying to get oil? | ||
And he's like, oil? | ||
What are you talking about oil? | ||
Bitch, what are you cooking? | ||
Yeah, play that. | ||
This is so good. | ||
unidentified
|
That area is definitely right for regime change. | |
Alright. | ||
But if I can be real about it... | ||
Be real, son. | ||
Real? | ||
Be real real, son. | ||
Try to kill my father, man. | ||
What? | ||
You play that... | ||
Say word, he tried to kill your father, son. | ||
unidentified
|
That nigga tried to kill my father! | |
It's so good, dude. | ||
unidentified
|
It's so good. | |
Oh, my God. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Dude, the war in Iraq was... | ||
Ridiculous. | ||
I remember I watched it. | ||
I watched it on TV. You remember that night when we opened bombing? | ||
Oh yeah. | ||
It was just on the news. | ||
I remember. | ||
We were like, here's us fucking up some other city. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Boom. | ||
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
We watched it and I was like... | ||
You see the tracer missiles? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I remember being a kid and being like, this is fucking weird. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It was fucking weird. | ||
What's really crazy is that they never showed the evidence of weapons of mass destruction that they should have had something that would let them go to war, but they never had any real evidence. | ||
Hey, remember when Alex Jones got sued for a billion dollars? | ||
More. | ||
And then the people that killed a million people in Iraq didn't face any repercussions? | ||
Crazy. | ||
What a time. | ||
What a time. | ||
Huh? | ||
Isn't that nuts? | ||
Isn't that nuts? | ||
What the heck? | ||
What's the real misinformation? | ||
I said, what the heck? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Also, the news media went along with it. | ||
The show's got sued for a billion dollars. | ||
A billion. | ||
Like 965 million. | ||
But there's more, too. | ||
There's more judgments. | ||
That part's funny. | ||
See what I mean though? | ||
The funny part is them going, a billion dollars. | ||
What? | ||
The funny part is that, but the people that said there was weapons of mass destruction, and then the people that perpetrated that lie, nothing. | ||
Nothing. | ||
Leads to the destruction. | ||
The failing New York Times? | ||
No repercussions. | ||
Nothing. | ||
Are you ready for Trump, dog, to come back? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I've had a couple of brewskis, dude. | ||
It's time to talk Trump, dog. | ||
It's time to bring up, dude, he called, who did he just call meatball? | ||
Oh, Ron DeSantis. | ||
Meatball Ron. | ||
Unbelievable. | ||
All Ron has to do is drop 20 pounds and that goes away. | ||
He did start to lose weight. | ||
Looks like it. | ||
unidentified
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He did. | |
Getting a little presidential. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Getting ready. | ||
Because he was bordering on Christie. | ||
Getting a little chib. | ||
He was bordering on Christie. | ||
Getting a little thick. | ||
He had the makings of a Christie. | ||
Yeah, but lately he looks better. | ||
You think he's on Ozempic? | ||
I hope not. | ||
Goddamn, dude, if we have a president on fucking Ozempic. | ||
I bet he's on Ozempic. | ||
What do you think Biden's on, dude? | ||
Everything. | ||
Biden's got to be on wild shit, dude. | ||
Steroids, cocaine, Adderall, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication. | ||
What do you think they're pumping him with? | ||
IV drips of vitamins every day. | ||
I think if they were smart, they would do that to him. | ||
They would definitely give him testosterone. | ||
Definitely give him... | ||
Either some sort of peptides or growth hormone. | ||
He's fucking really close to the end of the line. | ||
They can't. | ||
They cannot fuck this up this bad and run him again. | ||
They will run him again if he lives. | ||
They cannot, dude. | ||
Who else? | ||
Was he going to step down? | ||
Then you'd have to admit there was something wrong. | ||
And so then the Republicans would be like, you ran that guy for four years. | ||
Obama. | ||
They have to run it. | ||
Obama. | ||
Yeah, she could win. | ||
She could win easily. | ||
She would fucking destroy those things. | ||
Destroy. | ||
She would destroy. | ||
But why would she want to do that again? | ||
Like, they already have a shit ton of money. | ||
Why would she want to control the earth? | ||
What the fuck would she want to control the entire world for? | ||
And get all the secrets to longevity experiments that are being done right now in the great desert. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
Brock gets to come back? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He gets to come back as the first man. | ||
I'll tell you who doesn't want that is fucking Yemen. | ||
They're going... | ||
Goddamn, I hope that guy doesn't come back. | ||
That guy that just bombed us, bombed the fuck out of us. | ||
That's funny. | ||
Like over here, we're all like, yeah, we did it! | ||
Human Rights, Nobel Peace Prize. | ||
They just bombed the shit out of Yemen. | ||
Anyway. | ||
Yeah, the international conflicts that are going on all the time that no one thinks about, it's so much so that if you had to guess, will there ever be a time where there's no war? | ||
Ever. | ||
Like, no war. | ||
One day. | ||
Ever. | ||
Is that ever possible? | ||
I would say no. | ||
No, but... | ||
I would say no. | ||
It's not possible. | ||
There is that peace phase of no major world powers. | ||
And we're kind of running into it now with Russia, Ukraine. | ||
But, like, the top, whatever, 50 GDP countries never fighting. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's good. | ||
Sorta. | ||
That's the closest we can get to peace. | ||
But if someone like Putin decides to use nukes, if we, like funding a proxy war through Ukraine, if he gets to this point where he realizes his losses are too high or something's too wrong, and he wants to prove a point, and he's like, I'm just gonna shoot a tactical nuke into a fucking apartment building. | ||
I'm like, okay, what do you want to do now? | ||
Because I might just launch these towards Chicago, you fucking cunts. | ||
Leave me alone. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
It's just not, we're not getting a balanced story either. | ||
There's very little discussion about what led them to do that, about NATO encroaching closer and closer to the Russian border while trying to get them to join NATO. There's very little discussion about that. | ||
It's not that it justifies what Putin did. | ||
It certainly doesn't. | ||
But for whatever reason, the news wants to ignore all the steps that led to this and not say, hey, maybe you guys should stop fucking around in these countries this way. | ||
Yeah, I hear you. | ||
There's probably something. | ||
There's probably something with fucking energy and something. | ||
And also with military spending. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
I mean, when things are popping off, that's when you gotta make shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And when you make shit, you make money. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
Let's go. | ||
Yeah, so JFK got his fucking head blown off. | ||
Let's fucking go. | ||
He's like, maybe we shouldn't send troops in there. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, are you trying to cost us a trillion dollars, dude? | ||
Geraldo Rivera was the guy that showed that to the world. | ||
Oh, the Zapruder. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Remember? | ||
I don't, but I've seen it, yeah. | ||
That video's wild. | ||
It's Dick Gregory and Geraldo Rivera and some other cat. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And they watch the president's head blow off. | ||
I know. | ||
The guy's everywhere. | ||
Popular comedian back then. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
That's what he was doing. | ||
And he brings a fucking video of the Zapruder film onto a talk show. | ||
He's like, hey, everybody check this shit out. | ||
You get to watch Kennedy's head explode on TV. | ||
Imagine you're at home. | ||
Who the fuck knows what's on? | ||
I'm looking at the TV guide, right? | ||
Remember the TV Guide? | ||
Were you around for TV Guides? | ||
Yeah, I was. | ||
Or you would get a TV Guide on the Sunday paper to tell you what all the shows are that are on. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And so you go, oh, okay. | ||
Dick Gregory the Comedian is going to be on the Geraldo Rivera show. | ||
I'm going to check it out. | ||
I'll check it out. | ||
And then you're watching, boom! | ||
The president's head explodes. | ||
Like, what the fuck? | ||
Dude. | ||
how about a heads up nope uh Yeah, that had to be, especially back then. | ||
Yeah, you didn't even know what was going to be on. | ||
Rodo Rivera is fire. | ||
Dude, he's everywhere. | ||
Remember the Al Capone's vault? | ||
No, but then they opened it and it was nothing. | ||
I never saw it. | ||
It was like a big live on TV special. | ||
Here we go, and they chipped through the walls. | ||
Empty room. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's it. | ||
Well, thanks for tuning in. | ||
Probably got good ratings. | ||
Everyone's watching it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, and then he went and interviewed the guys defending the opium fields. | ||
The poppy fields. | ||
Yeah, what a life that has been. | ||
He's like, nice. | ||
Good Marines you got here. | ||
These are great Marines. | ||
What are you guys doing? | ||
Defending poppies? | ||
Guarding heroin? | ||
Oh, it's part of their culture. | ||
Yep, part of their culture. | ||
Back to you guys at the desk. | ||
Well, what the fuck are we doing here? | ||
Part of their culture. | ||
Preserving heroin. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't know. | ||
It's tough, because there's a part of you, like, I recognize I have no idea what's going on. | ||
So there's a part of you that wants to just be like, fuck it, I'll just live my life. | ||
There's nothing I can do about it. | ||
And then there's a part where you're like, well, if you can help, try. | ||
But I guess I'd have to do the research to get involved. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
Right. | ||
If the prospect of nuclear war is out there. | ||
I just, I don't think we're really going to be able to help that. | ||
You're right. | ||
But I think that's also the attitude that people have that allows them to get away with things for as long as they have. | ||
Yeah, everyone just goes, fuck it, I can't do it. | ||
Yeah, everyone goes, fuck it, I can't do anything about that. | ||
It's very sketchy. | ||
I mean, if it wasn't for world leaders, no one would have any conflict with large groups. | ||
Like, these large groups of people, they're led by people, and they have conflicts with other people, and they try to steal resources and money and fucking... | ||
Yeah, we definitely wouldn't be trying to fight Vietnam. | ||
Well, we're not. | ||
The proof is in the fact that we don't fight with each other state to state. | ||
There's no difference between state to state and there is country to country except for constitutions and laws and this and that. | ||
But as long as the people can communicate, like if you're going to a place that also speaks the language that you speak, who gives a shit? | ||
In America, you can go anywhere, right? | ||
You can go to New Mexico. | ||
You can go to Florida. | ||
Nobody treats you like you're an invader, right? | ||
And everybody kind of gets along. | ||
But it's country to country that shit gets weird. | ||
Now, why? | ||
It doesn't make any sense. | ||
Why would it? | ||
If everything was like the States... | ||
Yeah, it's just a little shit-talking. | ||
But imagine, because incontinence, right? | ||
Inside the United States, it doesn't happen. | ||
What happened during the Civil War, right? | ||
unidentified
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Sure. | |
But it's rare. | ||
For the most part, it works out. | ||
Happened once. | ||
And you can go around and do whatever the fuck you... | ||
Why can't that be the case for the whole goddamn world? | ||
Well, of course it can. | ||
If you don't have... | ||
Like leaders that want to steal resources and leaders that want to push arms closer to borders and leaders that want to violate treaties and leaders that want to push things and come up with better weapons and have them pointed towards your city. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
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It's so exhausting. | |
Yeah, but I get it though. | ||
As soon as I leave this country, like I was in Canada last week, I was like, America's number one, dude. | ||
Fuck your country. | ||
Your country's ridiculous. | ||
Especially during COVID, you got to see how ridiculous it is. | ||
Anytime I go to another country, I'm like, dude, America's fucking number one. | ||
Do you think Trump's going to win? | ||
If they run Biden, either DeSantis or Trump will win. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They can't run Biden. | ||
Even though he was the most popular president of all time. | ||
How about that? | ||
Most votes ever? | ||
Well, he is the best. | ||
unidentified
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What? | |
He's the best. | ||
So, if you... | ||
There's nothing there. | ||
What would you... | ||
Like, what would you do? | ||
Is it Gavin Newsom? | ||
Like, what would you do? | ||
Elizabeth Warren? | ||
Like, who? | ||
Michelle. | ||
Michelle. | ||
Michelle Obama. | ||
If she wants to do it. | ||
Obama. | ||
She would win. | ||
Yeah, she would win. | ||
She would win off just... | ||
She would fuck those dudes up. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
Unless... | ||
So many people have been red-pilled because of this administration and all the wackiness... | ||
That, like, the bubble people... | ||
Because it was always kind of 50-50 anyway. | ||
The bubble people might go towards that because there's so much insanity on the left. | ||
Here's the bummer. | ||
I was talking with Norman and List and Ari, and we were doing a show, and we were talking afterwards about how, like, you know, the classic, like, fucking things seem to be... | ||
Relaxing a little as far as the woke, all that shit. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
But I was like, it's gonna get worse. | ||
The second this election starts ramping up, we're gonna go right back into it. | ||
Especially if it's Trump. | ||
It's gonna go right back to where we just were. | ||
Yeah, especially when people think there's a real threat of him winning. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
They'll get very hysterical. | ||
And if you don't think that's the case... | ||
We're going to go right back, dude. | ||
My favorite gif in all of the internet is that lady with the sock hat and the glasses on her knees when Trump won. | ||
Screaming. | ||
Screaming. | ||
It's one of the greatest... | ||
That was the thing. | ||
That was the thing. | ||
I didn't vote for Trump, but man, when that guy won, I was like... | ||
Dude, immediately I was like, yo! | ||
Dude, if he wins again, do you know... | ||
First of all, how is he... | ||
He's all fat and everything, and he's 78, right? | ||
But he's so alert. | ||
I know, he's giving speeches, and I'm like, God, damn, that guy's got the juice again. | ||
He's got the juice. | ||
He sounds great. | ||
I want to see if DeSantis swings at him. | ||
That'll be interesting. | ||
If he fights back... | ||
He calls him Meatball Ron. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Ron. | ||
He said that's crude. | ||
He's not going to say it. | ||
I was just looking up. | ||
He said it once, but he's not going to say it. | ||
Oh, that's how he talks shit. | ||
Yeah, he goes, I'm not going to say that. | ||
What'd you call him? | ||
Meatball Ron? | ||
I would never say that. | ||
It is so funny. | ||
Who was it? | ||
One of them with pussy. | ||
It might have been Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio. | ||
There was a lady in the crowd. | ||
And she goes, he's a pussy. | ||
And he goes, what'd you say? | ||
And she yelled it again. | ||
He was like, he could tell no one else heard it. | ||
And he goes, she called him a pussy. | ||
I would never say that. | ||
He said that out loud? | ||
She called him a pussy? | ||
Bro. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Come on, man. | ||
He's got comic timing. | ||
He's a pussy. | ||
That's terrible. | ||
I would never call him a pussy. | ||
He's a pussy. | ||
That's terrible. | ||
During the campaign rally in New Hampshire, Trump hit back and then rivaled Ted Cruz by quoting a woman in the audience who called the Texas senator a pussy. | ||
She just said a terrible thing. | ||
You do it. | ||
She just said a terrible thing. | ||
You know what she said? | ||
Shout it out. | ||
Okay. | ||
You're not allowed to say it. | ||
I won't say it. | ||
She called him a pussy! | ||
Crowd went nuts, dude. | ||
Oh yeah, he said, I never expect to hear that from you again. | ||
That's terrible. | ||
He like fake scolded her while smiling. | ||
You shouldn't say that. | ||
That's the president. | ||
Dude. | ||
That was the president. | ||
And he won. | ||
And he won. | ||
It's going to be interesting to see what happens. | ||
I think it's a mess because... | ||
You know, by just trying to get someone into the office as a Democrat and picking Biden because he was the most likely to win, they put themselves in a terrible position where he's like, he's way too old. | ||
Everybody knows it. | ||
There's a lot of people that won't vote for him just because of his age. | ||
And they're scared that Kamala Harris is going to be president. | ||
You know, if she's his vice president again, like, dude, that's a mess. | ||
That's a mess. | ||
Nobody wants that. | ||
That's not working out right now. | ||
I think we all realize we fucked up a little. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
You see Joe talk, you go, ooh. | ||
Yeah. | ||
We just wanted to be done with the fucking circus. | ||
But who would they get? | ||
Who's, like, effective? | ||
It's really just Michelle Obama. | ||
I mean, you could see other people having an impact. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Again, I don't... | ||
Gavin Newsom, if he hadn't fucked up during COVID, like, if COVID didn't happen, Gavin Newsom was fast-tracked to be the president. | ||
But Gavin Newsom's like DeSantis, where I'm like, once people hear him talk, you're gonna go, oh. | ||
Gavin Newsom's just doing Obama. | ||
He's doing Obama. | ||
But the difference is people don't like Gavin Newsom in his own state. | ||
They just take him over a Republican. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
And people love DeSantis. | ||
People love DeSantis in Florida. | ||
But there are people that love him. | ||
He has fans that love him. | ||
I don't think Gavin Newsom has a lot of fans. | ||
Here's what I think about DeSantis. | ||
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
Yeah, I hear you for sure. | ||
And he got busted wearing no mask at a restaurant when everyone's supposed to be masked. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I think with DeSantis, I don't know enough about him. | ||
I think people love the idea of DeSantis, where they're like, Florida fucking said, fuck COVID, we're gonna, you know, they did their thing. | ||
So they love the idea of DeSantis, but nobody's ever heard him talk. | ||
Nobody's ever seen him talk. | ||
And when you do, you go, oh fuck, this guy's a dork. | ||
God damn it, this is another dork. | ||
I've seen him talk a bunch of times. | ||
I know, I'm just talking about the general public. | ||
I think when they see him talk, right now I'm sure he's doing fine in approval, but nobody's seen him. | ||
And when he talks, especially if he starts trying to talk shit back and forth with Trump. | ||
Yeah, that's gonna get ugly. | ||
It's gonna split that. | ||
It's going to be fun, dude. | ||
Meatball Ron! | ||
Meatball Ron! | ||
Oh my god. | ||
It's so exciting. | ||
Yeah, it'll be fun. | ||
The spectacle will be fun. | ||
The spectacle will be fun, but then it's also the same prospect every time. | ||
I never feel good about who's going to be the president. | ||
It's always like, okay. | ||
It's never like anybody that really is coming along that's going to revamp the system in some sort of meaningful way. | ||
And the only way they do that is to take money out, and they're never gonna do that, so let's just fucking keep telling jokes. | ||
Yeah, fuck it. | ||
That's what Trump's good for. | ||
Yeah, we'll just keep telling jokes. | ||
Trump's way better for us. | ||
Yeah. | ||
In terms of, like, material? | ||
Trump's good for material, but he's bad for the culture of comedy. | ||
How so? | ||
People get way more touchy. | ||
Because all the race and transphobia and homophobia, that gets ramped up big time. | ||
So then people actually get sensitive. | ||
I wonder if that's going to ramp up again or if that's run its cycle. | ||
That shit worked tremendously. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They're going to run that playbook again for sure. | ||
Alright, dude, let's wrap this up. | ||
Fucking right. | ||
We got shit to do. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Alright. | ||
I hope I wasn't totally incoherent there. | ||
No, no, it's been fun. | ||
We've been having a good time. | ||
Remember the shithorder? | ||
Yeah, shithorder was awesome. | ||
Alright, I just have to pee again. | ||
So I figured it's a good time to wrap it up. |