March 14, 2023 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:22:42
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | ||
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| We rolling? | ||
| Hey, we're up. | ||
|
unidentified
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Look at that. | |
| We're doing a little podcast. | ||
| What a great fucking night last night was. | ||
| Fuck yeah it was. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, I woke up bubbling. | ||
| Yeah, I felt so good. | ||
| And last night was my first time in a managerial position. | ||
| Like, I just came to hang out, make sure everything ran smooth for your show. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| Like, to be at my own club where one of my best friends is headlining, and all my other friends are opening for him. | ||
| I'm like, this is amazing. | ||
| It was a pretty fucking sick lineup. | ||
| Like, this is what's crazy. | ||
| If you said this ten years ago, in Austin, Texas... | ||
| The lineup that was on last night was insane. | ||
| We've been doing that a lot, though. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| These Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday shows that we've been doing out here, they're just stacked. | ||
| Dude, and then, let's just say, highlight of my career, they're chanting the machine, and I go, I'm not going to tell it, and they start cheering it, and I go, alright, I'll tell it if Ron White tells his tater salad story. | ||
| And people didn't even know he was up there. | ||
| They go fucking crazy, he walks on stage, I FaceTime Leigh-Anne, I FaceTime Leigh-Anne, who's like Ron's her favorite comic. | ||
| Guy in the front row is recording Tom Tellentators, or shooting Leanne watching it. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I'll tell you right now. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| It'll show you how quick there are holes in your act, because then I was like, I don't think I can tell The Machine right after that. | ||
| I know you were talking about that, but no, The Machine's an amazing story. | ||
| It's an amazing story. | ||
| You're just self-examining. | ||
| I could have sat... | ||
| And broken down what I love about that story for the next 15 minutes, I could have talked about that story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, you said that on stage. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| Yeah, Ron's one of the best storytellers of all time. | ||
| Having him out here, it's amazing. | ||
| Because he's such a... | ||
| He's like the statesman of comedy out here, and he's so respected, and he's such a good person. | ||
| He almost made me cry last night. | ||
| Such a good guy. | ||
| At the end of the night, I'm pretty loaded, and he comes up, and he was like, thanks for bringing me. | ||
| That was really fun. | ||
| And he goes, I just came out to watch you tonight. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| He was like, yeah, I came out to watch you. | ||
| I'm a fan. | ||
| And I was like, bro, you can't say that. | ||
| Like, that fucking killed me. | ||
| I was like, if there's careers that I've looked at and wanted to emulate, it's him, Attell, you know, those guys are the fucking my goats, you know? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I mean, everybody loves Ron. | ||
| I've never met a comic who doesn't think Ron White's funny. | ||
| They don't exist. | ||
| I remember Leanne's a redneck, and when the Blue Collar Comedy Tour came out, we went and watched it in Hollywood at the Arclight. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And she was fucking... | ||
| Leanne likes two things. | ||
| That blue color comedy and fucking Steve Harvey. | ||
| If she's gonna cheat on me, she's gonna fuck Steve Harvey. | ||
| I can guarantee you. | ||
| She sends me clips of Steve Harvey. | ||
| Every morning there's a clip. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| For the movie, when the movie's coming out, they asked us to do Family Feud. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And Leanne has never pushed our girls into anything, but she said, Isla Grace Christy, you're doing Family Feud. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what you say. | ||
| Does Steve Harvey know this, that your wife has a crush on you? | ||
| Oh, she has no idea. | ||
| Have you ever seen Steve Harvey eat, someone made like collard green dumplings or something, and he goes, takes a bite, and he freezes, and he goes... | ||
| Now I'm having a black people moment right now. | ||
| He's the fucking greatest. | ||
| Leanne's obsessed with them. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Isn't it funny that no one has done a movie tour like that since? | ||
| You know, they had Kings of Comedy, Blue Collar Tour, and then nothing. | ||
| Those were so successful. | ||
| The four people tour is the key. | ||
| I do Fully Loaded. | ||
| We bring eight for Fully Loaded per show. | ||
| We switch it up. | ||
| Have you heard of the lineup this year? | ||
| No. | ||
| Louis Black, Dave Attell, Chad Daniels, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Big Jay Oakerson, Dan Soder, Fortune Feimster, Tammy Pescatelli. | ||
| All on one show? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Stavros is on it. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| We got a fucking sick lineup. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Tiffany Haddish. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Jim Norton. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Jay Farrow. | ||
| Rosebud. | ||
| Ralph Barbosa. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, this fucking lineup is. | ||
| I just found out about Ralph Barbosa. | ||
| He's a funny dude. | ||
| He's real funny. | ||
| I watched some of his clips, and then I found out that there was some sort of a thing with George Lopez. | ||
| And then so I had the little bitch in me started watching some... | ||
| I watched it all too! | ||
| ...some fucking beef with George Lopez and Ralph Barboza. | ||
| That shit makes me sad. | ||
| I don't like that stupid shit like that. | ||
| I don't like beef. | ||
| I don't like nonsense beef. | ||
| Like, that's the dumbest kind of beef. | ||
| Like, some young guy coming up beef. | ||
| Like, you don't like... | ||
| I think it's just a misunderstanding, and I think Lopez called him up and... | ||
| Oh, did he? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I guess they talked on the phone or something like that. | ||
| It's hilarious that I know about this silly comedy beef, but... | ||
| Dude, he's funny. | ||
| Anyway, Barbosa's funny, dude. | ||
| Got a funny laid-back style. | ||
| I think it's just generational. | ||
| You're talking about, like... | ||
| I think George Lopez is even older than Ralph's parents, probably. | ||
| And so it's just two different styles of what you would say Mexican comedy is. | ||
| I don't think that's what it is. | ||
| I think it's just that George didn't know who he was. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, like Steve Trevino was on a show and George had brought him up. | ||
| George brought Barbosa up. | ||
| And he's like, who the fuck is that guy? | ||
| You keep bringing him up. | ||
| Nobody knows who that dude is. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I just saw Schultz. | ||
| Saying someone went up to Barbosa and he was like, fuck George Lopez. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's what it was. | ||
| I think it came from him saying something on a podcast. | ||
| But I think he was just annoyed with Trevino bringing the dude's name up over and over again for whatever reason. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| He's funny as shit. | ||
| Yeah, he's funny as shit. | ||
| He's funny as fucking shit. | ||
| Bothers me more than like and I don't think that's what he was doing I think it was just like who is that guy like I don't know what that guy is I don't think it was like I I don't like that guy I think he just genuinely didn't know who he was But I think nothing bothers me more than like those old dudes that don't like the young guys coming up They don't like the fact that young guys are coming up because I remember being in that young guy position I'm like ah you old cunt Like, you fucking dummy. | ||
| Like, I'm never gonna be like you one day. | ||
| One day, like, if I get to your position, I'm gonna be very welcoming for the young people. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| But it's like a closed door once you go through it. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's it. | |
| Nobody else in. | ||
| No more funny. | ||
| No more comedians. | ||
| No one else is famous. | ||
|
unidentified
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Just me. | |
| Forever and ever and ever. | ||
| It was like that. | ||
| It was like that back then, too. | ||
| Stingy cunts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Got that fucking weird... | ||
| Thing that people have, or they just want to be the only one that gets the attention. | ||
| It's so strange, man. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| The fucking fierce jealousy that some people have when other people start to make it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| You didn't have that. | ||
| I think you blessed us with not having it. | ||
| If you look at Mark Norman and Shane Gillis, I take them when I do Red Rocks or I do big, big venues. | ||
| I'll hit them up to see if they want to do it with me. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Trust me when I say we did the Super Bowl. | ||
| We did four shows at the Mullet Arena. | ||
| Four shows. | ||
| That's how big those guys are getting. | ||
| I love that you went to the Mullet Arena. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did you not bring Theo with you? | ||
| You know, he was in town that week. | ||
| I hit him up. | ||
| I hit him up and he was like, I think I lose my powers when I walk in there. | ||
| That sounds like something he would say. | ||
| Oh, he wants to move out here. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| He's like a fucking vagabond. | ||
| But he's gotta have a tribe. | ||
| You know, a lot of these guys, they didn't understand what was anchoring them in L.A. And one of the things that was anchoring them in L.A. was that we had a tribe. | ||
| We would all get together at the store. | ||
| We'd all hang out in that back bar. | ||
| We'd all have fun together. | ||
| We'd all laugh and joke and fuck around. | ||
| Then we'd see each other's sets, and we'd talk to each other about comedy and shit. | ||
| You know, Theo's out alone now in Nashville. | ||
| What's he doing in Nashville? | ||
| He just decided he had to get the fuck out of LA for his mental health, and so he wanted to be a more laid-back place, and Nashville clicked with him. | ||
| He is all over my algorithm. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| He shows up, and it's gay dudes, boat crashes, and Theo. | ||
| With me, it's girls with giant asses doing squats. | ||
| It's all like CrossFit ladies with six packs. | ||
| Those girls will inspire me to work out. | ||
| There's something about a fucking jack chick with big thighs. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I like. | ||
| My God. | ||
| I like a gal who can help you move a couch. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| I like I'm sturdy. | ||
| My wife does not like it when I say that, by the way. | ||
| Oh, for real? | ||
| Just like when I call her sturdy. | ||
| But she's strong. | ||
| She's strong. | ||
| I like strong women. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I don't like, you know, I just don't think that, like the weak, like wafy sort of, like some people are into that weak sort of wafy looking thing. | ||
| Like that doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| No. | ||
| I like an older woman too now. | ||
| Yeah, imagine dating a girl who's 20 now. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Like, when I see Leonardo DiCaprio going out to a 19-year-old, I'm like, bro, what do you talk about? | ||
| Yeah, what? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| What do you talk about? | ||
| Unless she's the most genius, brilliant, world-traveled, nuanced... | ||
| Dude, my assistant's 25, and I'll say things to him, and he'll go, I have no idea what you're talking about. | ||
| You can reference a movie, like Ace Ventura, and he's like, ah, yeah, what is that? | ||
| Jim Carrey? | ||
| I don't know who that is. | ||
| Well, Jim Norton was on stage last night and he had a Three Stooges reference and no one laughed. | ||
| I'm like, Jim, you're 55. Like, these people do not know who the fuck Three Stooges is. | ||
| Why don't you just say Laurel and Hardy? | ||
| Go even deeper into the old school comedy people. | ||
| Yeah, I couldn't live that life where you couldn't make references to the things you grew up on. | ||
| Well, you can. | ||
| You know, it's like Dennis Miller always used to have references that nobody knew what the fuck he was saying. | ||
| You had to catch up. | ||
| Yeah, but we... | ||
| It seems like the gap of experience and what we know has gotten so closer where it wasn't that way. | ||
| I feel like my dad and I still knew all the same references, whereas my daughter and I do not. | ||
| They don't know anything that I've ever lived or experienced. | ||
| And then they'll say things to me like, have you ever heard of the band Tool? | ||
| And I'm like, are you being fucking serious? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Are you being serious? | ||
| I buy the guys fucking wine. | ||
| You kidding me? | ||
| And then, like, the other day, Ayla said to me, uh, uh, you ever heard of Alice in Chains? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, that was like what I went to college to. | ||
| But I, but I knew Queen of Skidler was a revival. | ||
| I knew the Sha Na Na's. | ||
| I knew all the stuff my dad listened to. | ||
| I knew Sam Cooke. | ||
| I knew those songs. | ||
| My daughters have no fucking clue of any of that. | ||
| We also have to think about just the landscape of information that's available to them as opposed to what it was for you. | ||
| When you were growing up, the stuff that you got was off the radio or off television. | ||
| Like, that's it. | ||
| So you heard it, either you heard it at a place, or you listened to it on a radio, or you bought a CD. With these kids, they're getting inundated constantly. | ||
| And they're also getting songs that are like snippets off of reels on Instagram or those little TikTok videos. | ||
| So you're getting, what's that song? | ||
| And then you find the song and then you listen to it. | ||
| So just the landscape of shit that's available to them is so goddamn different. | ||
| How could they pay attention to all of it? | ||
| How could they look at the old stuff? | ||
| It's like, just the stuff that's available. | ||
| And by the way, for them, Shit from 2010 is old. | ||
| You know how crazy that is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was in high school, okay? | ||
| What year were you in high school? | ||
| 1981 was my freshman year in high school. | ||
| And my freshman year in high school, I remember there was a guy in my neighborhood... | ||
| That had a 1955 Chevy. | ||
| It was this fucking awesome car. | ||
| This awesome 55 black Chevy that was like in mint condition. | ||
| And I remember thinking, wow, that car is so fucking old. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that car was only 15 years old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| If you think now about a 15-year-old car, I have a 15-year-old car. | ||
| I have a 2007 Porsche. | ||
| I love that car. | ||
| I drive it all the time. | ||
| But that car's old as fuck, man. | ||
| In that world, to kids, when I was in high school, a 55 Chevy was like this old classic. | ||
| Well, that's what my car is. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| The timelines are weird now. | ||
| Because now you look at, like, my favorite car is a 72 El Dorado, the convertible Cadillac, and that's fucking 50 years old. | ||
| By the way, I'm off by 10 years. | ||
| It's a 25-year-old car. | ||
| 25, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what I'm thinking about is that and my mom had a 1970 Barracuda. | ||
| This is where I'm fucking it up in my head. | ||
| My mom had a 1970 Barracuda when I was in high school and all my friends were in love with it. | ||
| They were like, oh my god. | ||
| They would see my mom's car. | ||
| It's your mom's car. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| Because a 1971 Barracuda... | ||
| It had these grill, the front grill looked like a fish, almost like gills. | ||
| Look at that car! | ||
| My mom had one of those! | ||
| In 1981. So I was a freshman in high school and my mom had had it for quite a while. | ||
| But that car in 1981 was only 10 years old. | ||
| It was only 10 years old, so that's a 2013 car. | ||
| A 2013 car is indistinguishable from a 2023 car. | ||
| Like, if you see a 2013 Lexus, like, they're the same. | ||
| But that, to everybody... | ||
| Look at that fucking car. | ||
| What a car. | ||
| I tried to buy one of those, and... | ||
| Oh my god, you need one of those. | ||
| I want one so bad. | ||
| You should get one of those and get it done so it's got modern brakes and shit and modern engine. | ||
| That should be a project that you get behind. | ||
| A Burt Kreischer 1972 Cadillac convertible. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I was going to buy one and use it, because this is the way my brain works, use it to promote my special. | ||
| So if you just put razzle-dazzle all over the side of it, drive it around LA, that's the way my brain works. | ||
| So just think about the difference in timelines, like how different it is to look at a 1971 car and then look at that in 1981, and it was already a classic. | ||
| And this 2023 year we're living in, if you look at things from 2000, they don't seem that long ago. | ||
| Here's my question. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Technology from a 1961 car to a 1971 car, if I'm not mistaken, the 71 car starts having automatic windows and an automatic trunk that locks down. | ||
| The technology from those cars... | ||
| Is exponentially bigger, and you look at the car you have, your Porsche, compared to where they are today, how different is, I mean, I guess they're fucking electric now. | ||
| Well, yeah, but no, even the gas ones, the internal combustion engines, they have better electronics, they have better suspension management systems, they have better traction control. | ||
| They do a lot of different things now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And also, they have, like, warnings to let you know when cars are close and shit. | ||
| Cars are pretty fucking incredible now. | ||
| They're almost too incredible because they're so fast. | ||
| Like a regular car, like my mom's car from 1970, that was slow as fuck, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Slow as fuck. | ||
| In comparison to a modern car, like if you get a regular modern-day Honda Accord, it would bury my mom's car. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, a little four-cylinder piece of shit. | ||
| It would bury it. | ||
| Yeah, those cars are not fast. | ||
| They were fast for the time. | ||
|
unidentified
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Thank you. | |
| And then as time goes on, and now you're living in this weird world where you have the brand new Hummer, which is an electric Hummer, which is this giant SUV that GMC makes that goes zero to 60 in like three seconds. | ||
| That kind of performance was unheard of in cars. | ||
| But how come that doesn't translate over to F1 and NASCAR? Will there be a NASCAR electric series at one point? | ||
| It would be wild if it was, but they would lose all that sound. | ||
| I think that's part of the thing that people like. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Can you imagine going to it? | ||
| Tom and I went to the Daytona 500, and can you imagine it being silent? | ||
| All you would hear is the chatter of the fans. | ||
| That would be so fucking creepy. | ||
| Dumb conversations. | ||
| It's like, have you ever seen How I Met Your Mother without the laugh track on? | ||
| No, but I have seen Big Bang Theory. | ||
| That's the one I meant. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| People would get bummed out. | ||
| I think NASCAR is like, it's an American tradition that's based on moonshine runners. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's like fun. | ||
| Like, you go to NASCAR, you want to hear the... | ||
| Like, if it was electric, it would seem like it's over. | ||
| Are the F1 cars loud? | ||
| Yeah, they're loud as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, they're loud as fuck. | ||
| I mean, but comparatively speaking, because my sister has a, what's the Tesla on? | ||
| Tesla. | ||
| Tesla. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And those things, I mean, that's like scary fast. | ||
| Yeah, ridiculously fast. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| It's not even comparative to any of the cars that I've ever driven in. | ||
| And I've driven in a lot of fast. | ||
| I've driven Lamborghinis and Ferraris and the Gullwing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's the fastest car I own. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I own a Tesla, the Plaid one. | ||
| It's the fastest car I own. | ||
| I own a lot of fast cars, like Porsches and sports cars and old muscle cars. | ||
| The Tesla buries them all. | ||
| God. | ||
| Yeah, and they're getting faster. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| Right now, they go zero to 60 in two seconds, but the new ones are gonna be even faster than that. | ||
| The little Speedster thing they have, what do they call it? | ||
| What do they call the little one? | ||
| Roadster? | ||
| The little Roadster thing is like, I believe it's 1.9 seconds, zero to 60, which is so crazy. | ||
| That's so fast. | ||
| I told my dad not even to drive it. | ||
| He was in LA last week, and he goes, I need a car. | ||
| I go, don't get in Cotty's car. | ||
| You're gonna fucking kill yourself. | ||
| Yeah, but the thing is, you can drive slow in it. | ||
| It's very easy to drive calm. | ||
| Whereas, like, if you're in a really fast muscle car, like, those are kind of hard to drive slow. | ||
| Because they have, like, I don't know what it is, but there's less sensitivity in the acceleration. | ||
| Those cars are very easy to go light with. | ||
| I've never driven an electric car. | ||
| Oh, they're so nice. | ||
| I know, I know, I know. | ||
| Unless I get that Porsche that's electric, I don't have any. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, a good friend of mine has one of those. | ||
| That's the shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That thing is the shit. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Porsche is amazing. | ||
| I want my car to feel like a big cock. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| Just like I want people to see it and go, oh, that's nice. | ||
| Big, fat, veiny cock. | ||
| No, I don't even need to be veiny. | ||
| Just bigger than average. | ||
| Shiny cock. | ||
| Shiny cock. | ||
| Yeah, polished, well-cared-for cock. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right? | |
| Waxed. | ||
| Nice wheels. | ||
| Shiny wheels. | ||
| Nice and thick when it's soft. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thick and soft. | ||
| Chocolate interior. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some kind of... | ||
| Ooh, chocolate. | ||
| That's a bold move, right? | ||
| Chocolate interior. | ||
| That's my car I have. | ||
| I don't know the type it is, but it's a Mercedes. | ||
| I got it because of the interior. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You're sitting there. | ||
| I can smoke a cigar in there. | ||
| That's what I saw the other day. | ||
| I was at the car dealership and they had an electric Mercedes. | ||
| I haven't seen the electric Mercedes up close. | ||
| They're doing like an S series. | ||
| It's just like a, yeah. | ||
| By the way, money might be fake now. | ||
| Money might be falling apart, right? | ||
| How many banks have collapsed now? | ||
| Wait, what's happening today? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was trying to follow up. | ||
| How many banks have collapsed? | ||
| It's at least two, correct? | ||
| It was at least two. | ||
| It might have been three. | ||
| And I don't know what happened today with the... | ||
| I was on a plane with a guy who was talking about this yesterday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the Silicon Valley one collapsed, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so a bunch of Silicon Valley... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is like 2008 all over again. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| See, this is part of the problem of being financially ignorant, which is I am. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And also being friends with Alex Jones, which I am. | ||
| I get all these videos about the perfect storm. | ||
| Prepare yourself to the end of the world. | ||
| I'm like, oh no, Alex, why are you freaking me out? | ||
| I was on a plane yesterday and said that today's a big day. | ||
| That it's coming down. | ||
| Everyone's going to fucking doubt it. | ||
| The fucking thing collapses if we get bailed out. | ||
| Well, apparently there was a big run on the banks today, too. | ||
| And people were showing up at the banks trying to withdraw money, which scares the fuck out of people when that kind of stuff happens. | ||
| That's how Hitler became fucking Prime Minister or whatever dictator. | ||
| I've been watching this thing, How to Make a Dictator on Netflix. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| I'm so obsessed with history podcasts and history dictators and whatnot. | ||
| Do you know who Turkmenbashi is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Joe, this is the most fascinating fucking guy in history, right? | ||
| So Turkmenistan, I think is the name of the country, was part of the USSR, and when the USSR collapsed, He got it. | ||
| This guy who was just a premier and worked, he got the whole country. | ||
| And he went around and changed rules like fucking crazy. | ||
| He was a dictator, but he added months so that he didn't get old faster. | ||
| I mean, he changed the names of the months. | ||
| I mean, he was a fucking lunatic. | ||
| He said, you know what? | ||
| He goes, you know what? | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| Old people are losing their teeth because they're not going to eat enough bones. | ||
| And they're like, bones? | ||
| He goes, you ever see a dog with missing teeth? | ||
| No, because they eat bones. | ||
| So everyone needs to start eating bones. | ||
| Does that guy make sense? | ||
| Turkmenbashi. | ||
| I have this podcast that I listen to. | ||
| It's called The Dictators. | ||
| And it is one of the most... | ||
| That one podcast is the most fascinating... | ||
| But I'm obsessed, man. | ||
| I listen to Hitler, Stalin. | ||
| Somebody was talking about the How to Make a Dictator documentary on Netflix the other day. | ||
| I think it was on the podcast. | ||
| It might have just been a conversation I was having. | ||
| Was it on the podcast? | ||
| Who was it? | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| But they were saying, you're literally putting up a guidebook on how to become a dictator. | ||
| People could watch it and figure out how it's done and then replicate it. | ||
| It's identical, by the way, to How to Get Famous. | ||
| I mean, it's the fucking exact same thing. | ||
| You'd be shocked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I wouldn't be shocked, though. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because a lot of famous people become like dictators. | ||
| It was DeStefano, that's what I thought. | ||
| Yeah, DeStefano. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| Oh, he's a history guy. | ||
| Oh, he's a real history nut. | ||
| Like, he's a history guy. | ||
| We used to do history hyenas with Giannis. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, history is fascinating when you think that it'll never repeat itself again. | ||
| You know, like, oh, that'll never happen again. | ||
| Like, I used to think that about war. | ||
| Oh, we're done with that. | ||
| You know, and now look. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| And the bank thing is fucking... | ||
| So what is exactly happening? | ||
| Is this something we need to be concerned about? | ||
| I watched the news yesterday to find out, and the news said, no, do not worry. | ||
| Oh, well, then I'm worried. | ||
| Now I'm fucking worried, because they've been wrong about everything. | ||
| These cunts. | ||
| My uncle called me in 2008 when the housing crisis collapsed and he was fucking terrified. | ||
| My uncle's one of the smartest dudes I know. | ||
| And he was like, this is gonna be real bad. | ||
| There was a house that I used to live in and the next door to me, there was a lot that this guy had bought and he was planning forever to build his dream house. | ||
| It was a nice lot and had a good view, it was beautiful. | ||
| And so I would go out there and like, it was like 2009, I would go out there and there's this old guy and he would just be raking. | ||
| And I would see him, I'd wave to him, and then one day I just said, let me just go talk to that dude, see what's going on. | ||
| Because it was, you know, are you going to build? | ||
| Like, what's happening? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, I was going to, but I lost everything. | |
| Because that 2008 thing, I lost everything. | ||
| I had plans, I had a house. | ||
| And so I'm just sitting there with this dude who's probably at the time 70 75 It was the last years of his life and he's just raking This plot of land that was going to be the place for his dream house before the 2008 collapse He just realized like man the real victims of all that financial malarkey The real victims of all that fucking corruption and deregulation and all the | ||
| chaos that led to so many people losing their houses and so many people losing all their money. | ||
| This fucking guy just raking his thing made me so sad. | ||
| Tim Dillon did that to him. | ||
| Tim Dillon. | ||
| Tim Dillon did it to so many people. | ||
| He's like, ah, what was I gonna do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If it wasn't me, it would be somebody else! | |
| They were gonna blow it on pills and women anyway. | ||
| He's the best to get a call from and go, I love, man. | ||
| If there's nothing other more than good comedy gossip, and the best is Tim going, hey, can I talk to you about that, that, that? | ||
| I'm like, oh, my dick gets hard. | ||
| Let's break out the tea. | ||
| He came last night to watch. | ||
| Yeah, he was there last night. | ||
| He's the fucking best, man. | ||
| It was fun last night with all the hanging, too. | ||
| There's so many people hanging out. | ||
| Oh, dinner was a fucking blast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It was very fun. | ||
| I mean, I don't think I've ever heard the N-word said that much at a steak restaurant. | ||
| Between Sam and Freddie Gibbs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| By the way, it was black people saying it. | ||
| We should be really clear. | ||
| People are like, wow, you went to dinner with Tim. | ||
| We should be really clear. | ||
| Freddie is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Freddie is very fucking funny. | ||
| So is Sam. | ||
| She was funny last night, too. | ||
| We were leaving our hotel, and I was with my two people, and some girls were dressed up. | ||
| The hotel we stay at, no one ever stays at. | ||
| And I said, yeah, ladies, you look fantastic today. | ||
| And they said, oh, thanks. | ||
| I said, what are you guys in town for? | ||
| Because usually it's a convention. | ||
| And they're like, south by. | ||
| And I went, oh, shit. | ||
| I said, oh, what's the show tonight? | ||
| And they go, Freddie Gibbs. | ||
| He does stand-up comedy. | ||
| And I was like, cool. | ||
| Freddie calls it cocaine comedy. | ||
| That's the name of his show. | ||
| And they're like, what show are you seeing? | ||
| And I said, I'm going to the Comedy Mothership. | ||
| They go, what's that? | ||
| And I go, it's a comedy club. | ||
| And they go, who's there? | ||
| I was like, nobody. | ||
| And so I got in the car and then they're like, who's Freddie Gibbs? | ||
| I go, nobody. | ||
| I'll tell you later. | ||
| And then we show up to dinner and Freddie Gibbs is there. | ||
| Victoria goes, this is the Freddie Gibbs guy. | ||
| And I was like, just shut up. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You just don't want to explain things. | ||
| You're like, nobody. | ||
| I just don't want to talk. | ||
| I get in this point where people go, like, Leanne will do it. | ||
| Like, wait, tell me what's going on with this. | ||
| I go, no, it's just too much. | ||
| I just don't want to lose. | ||
| I'm going to be winded fucking telling you the story. | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| You just don't want to catch people up. | ||
| Catching people up on things is annoying. | ||
| On stupid shit, too. | ||
| Like the Ralph Barboza. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| Catching people up on things like, what am I doing? | ||
| That was funny. | ||
| That's exactly what happened when we booked Ralph. | ||
| I got excited. | ||
| I go, oh, we got Ralph. | ||
| Fun to watch him work, you know? | ||
| And the thing about those young guys is they get to see me work, and they get to tell me what I'm doing wrong. | ||
| Like, tell me when you start looking like an old man on stage. | ||
| And Leanne's like, who's Ralph Barboza? | ||
| And I said, don't worry about it. | ||
| How many people do you have per show? | ||
| On that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably eight. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Eight. | ||
| How much time do they do? | ||
| Everyone does 15. I told everyone just to murder. | ||
| Just murder. | ||
| So you have eight people plus you? | ||
| Plus me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah, I have to fucking close it. | ||
| So it's two hours before you even get on stage? | ||
| We have intermission. | ||
| That's a long ass show. | ||
| Have you seen the places we're performing this year? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're ending at the fucking gorge. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| What's the gorge? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| Oh, that's that underground cavernous? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| It's an outdoor in Washington stage and it overlooks a huge gorge. | ||
| It's gorgeous. | ||
| It's fucking beautiful. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's where we're closing Fully Loaded this year. | ||
| That looks like where someone would give a speech to start a new civilization post-apocalypse. | ||
| It does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doesn't it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like, we can rise together from the ashes of mankind and build our own utopia. | ||
| Okay, come out to the gorge and you can give that speech, Joe. | ||
| How many people is that seat? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| That looks like 100,000 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's 76. Jesus Christ, dude. | |
| That's a big-ass show. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| But we're just going to do the infield, I'm sure. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Fill that bitch. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| I texted you and Tom. | ||
| I have a private jet waiting for you. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| Fly out. | ||
| Fly you back. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| The hang is the best part. | ||
| Getting on the bus and partying with everyone. | ||
| Big J is... | ||
| The last time we went, Big J had us laughing so hard. | ||
| So we have a party bus, and then we all have our own buses that we sleep in. | ||
| So we all get on the road. | ||
| We all sleep in individual buses? | ||
| Yeah, we have a girl's bus and a boy's bus, and then we have a party bus. | ||
| So we all get in the party bus, start driving, we caravan, and then when we all are pretty fucked up, we call ahead, they pull all the buses aside, we all get in our buses and go to bed. | ||
| And Big J, I couldn't even tell you why we were laughing so hard on the bus. | ||
| We were laughing so hard we had to pull over. | ||
| And get in our buses. | ||
| We're like, we're done. | ||
| We're done. | ||
| And Big Jay, right before we're about to go to bed, he goes, one more thing. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| And he goes, have you seen Jurassic Park? | ||
| And I'm like, Jay, don't start. | ||
| He goes, have we just conceded that there's dinosaurs now? | ||
| And I'm crying again. | ||
| It's the funnest fucking hang. | ||
| Dude, should come. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sounds like a good time. | ||
| I hope you enjoy yourself. | ||
| Sounds like a lot of travel. | ||
| It's a lot of travel. | ||
| Yeah, you're a lot of away from everybody and you're on buses all the time. | ||
| Yeah, that's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, you do that tour thing where you go out for long stretches of time. | ||
| I don't do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| How come? | ||
| I don't like being away from my family. | ||
| I don't like being away from home. | ||
| I have obligations. | ||
| I like to keep like a steady schedule. | ||
| It keeps my mental health in line. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's the thing about traveling you get disjointed and disconnected and uprooted It's something good about that because it allows you to reset and just think about things and out of the pattern of your life But also sometimes the pattern of your life is how you create like a balance if you have a good pattern I have zero balance. | ||
| Yeah, I have zero balance So you like the chaos of the road. | ||
| I like chaos. | ||
| I like the... | ||
| I love... | ||
| I mean, first of all, it starts with I love stand-up. | ||
| I love doing stand-up. | ||
| I love it more than anything. | ||
| Last night was the funnest night of my life because it was all new material. | ||
| And I was like, I really have... | ||
| I have a new hour. | ||
| Now I just got... | ||
| I have the ingredients. | ||
| I got to figure out how to put it together. | ||
| I need a couple of tense pole stories. | ||
| But for me, I'm always working to a special. | ||
| So when I started this tour, this special that's airing right now, this material started in January 2020. And then I did the Drive-In Movie Theater tour. | ||
| I mean, I couldn't sit at home during the pandemic. | ||
| I was like, I gotta come up with something. | ||
| And so I started doing this material in this Drive-In Movie Theater. | ||
| Didn't you get that idea from Eliza Schlesinger? | ||
| She was the originator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eliza, the best about that clip is that you go... | |
| He was doing it in June, and she goes, wow, that's really early. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not safe. | |
| That's not safe. | ||
| Pass me that whiskey, please. | ||
| Yeah, she... | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| She invited me to her 40th birthday. | ||
| I think she had a rave, and I was like... | ||
| Whoa, she's raving. | ||
| I think she had a rave. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The... | ||
| And then once I get material going, I'm like, let's get on the road. | ||
| Let's fucking get this shit good. | ||
| And then once I get ready for a special, once I know I have a date on a special, I mean, I'm so obsessive-compulsive. | ||
| I think people look at me and they think I'm a moron because I take my shirt off and I drink a lot. | ||
| But I'm so fucking over-obsessive-compulsive about stand-up that as soon as I knew I had the shoot date, I mean, I pick out my date based on when I set my tour. | ||
| So I want it to be a place I've never performed, that material. | ||
| I want it to be a place I can move at least 12,000 tickets. | ||
| So I want to do a bunch of shows. | ||
| And I, I mean, two months out, I'm on that bus, I'm doing stand-up every single night. | ||
| Every single night, as many times as I can get on stage, and I'm moving the material around. | ||
| I want it to be perfect. | ||
| I could never do what Chris Rock did with the live shit. | ||
| I would be fucking dead in the water. | ||
| The live one's an interesting choice, because Louis did a similar thing. | ||
| Louis did it live on his website, and then he's gonna release a full edited version of the set. | ||
| And then I guess that's exactly what Chris is doing. | ||
| He released it in the full edit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The shit about Will Smith was ruthless. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Ruthless. | ||
| It's just like, imagine... | ||
| You know, in life you play chess. | ||
| You move pieces around. | ||
| You say, I'd do this, and the counter would be that. | ||
| Imagine the thought, like, I'm just gonna slap Chris Rock... | ||
| One of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time. | ||
| It's not like he's gonna tear my very vulnerable life apart after I smack him with some of the best comedy that anybody's ever written. | ||
| And he's gonna hone it over a year before he releases it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what a terrible, unprovoked attack. | ||
| What a dumb thing to do. | ||
| To, like, be that person who's, like, publicly loved You know, like Will Smith was until that moment. | ||
| I mean, until that moment, nobody really had a bad thing to say about maybe he didn't like one movie or maybe he thought the superhero movie was dumb. | ||
| But everybody loved that guy. | ||
| I loved the superhero movie. | ||
| Everybody loved that guy. | ||
| I loved Will. | ||
| I love Will. | ||
| I still love Will. | ||
| But those two keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth. | ||
| Those two are what sunk him. | ||
| If he just slapped Chris Rock and then sat down and didn't say anything... | ||
| People would think it was a joke? | ||
| They wouldn't know what to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It would kind of drift off and people would forget about it. | ||
| And they would say to Chris, was that on purpose? | ||
| Did you guys plan that? | ||
| Then he would have skated. | ||
| I'm not happy that it happened, but I'm happy the way it happened because when I was trying to explain to someone who's not involved in show business how bizarre the industry is and how untethered those people are to either morals or ethics or Just the reality of human nature. | ||
| They are completely connected to the zeitgeist in terms of what's popular and what's trendy and what's accepted by our group and what's rejected by our group that no one has, I mean, not no one, but in general, the mindset of the people in Hollywood, there's very little independent thought. | ||
| It's all groupthink. | ||
| So when Will Smith, after smacking Chris Rock and all that other craziness, goes on stage and wins the Academy Award and gets a fucking standing ovation. | ||
| I was like, that's those people. | ||
| They don't know what to do. | ||
| They don't have the ability to say, hey, that's not right. | ||
| I don't care if you're famous. | ||
| I don't care if you just won the Oscar. | ||
| You can't assault people. | ||
| What you did is ridiculous. | ||
| The way you're behaving is crazy. | ||
| It didn't even make sense. | ||
| It wasn't even proportionate to what he said. | ||
| You overreacted in such a strange way. | ||
| I have to wonder, are you okay? | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| No one did that. | ||
| They're all like, yes! | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| They went to the Vanity Fair party. | ||
| He was dancing. | ||
| It was almost like it all went away until the rest of the world was like, are you out of your fucking mind? | ||
| What is wrong with you? | ||
| That is crazy that it did not get acknowledged at all and then And then, I guess, do you think that's a testament to the internet? | ||
| Because the internet was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Yes, it definitely is a testament to the internet, but the internet is just representative of most people. | ||
| There's some people that thought that Chris deserved it. | ||
| You know, don't talk about someone's wife. | ||
| There's a lot of goofy people out there. | ||
| I had to set up, you've made me start a new fucking Twitter account, because of something. | ||
| I've been off Twitter for like a year, and I had to, because you sent me something about Jordan Peterson. | ||
| That Chinese dick sucking factory? | ||
| And I had to sign up for a new Twitter account. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that real? | |
| Do we know if that's real? | ||
| I thought it was Beeple. | ||
| I looked at it. | ||
| Did they delete it off of Instagram? | ||
| Or off of Twitter. | ||
| So Jordan tweets this thing, and these guys are lying on hospital beds in some lab somewhere with a robot sucking their dick. | ||
| And they have COVID masks on, they're just lying on their back with their pants off. | ||
| So I sent it to these guys that Jordan Peterson actually tweeted it. | ||
| I might even have to check in on Jordan. | ||
| That was a good podcast with you and Jordan recently. | ||
| Oh my god, the last one, he was on fire. | ||
| He was on fire. | ||
| He was on fire. | ||
| I don't have that brain. | ||
| I always want my viral clips to be... | ||
| Because you don't get to pick what goes viral for you. | ||
| You've got badass viral clips where you're like, be the hero in the story you want to be. | ||
| My viral clips are me laughing at fucking people falling down. | ||
| Me laughing. | ||
| I have those too. | ||
| Me and Theo have a bunch of those. | ||
| Theo is great. | ||
| Mine are legit just me laughing. | ||
| If I can laugh... | ||
| It goes viral. | ||
| There's a video of me and my dad putting a pizza in a pizza oven. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It went viral on TikTok. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm not even in the goddamn video. | ||
| It's just me and him laughing. | ||
| And apparently we have the exact same laugh. | ||
| We talk, we go... | ||
| This is the Chinese dick-sucking robot thing. | ||
| This says it's from the UK. It says it's a fetish house or something. | ||
| Oh, it's from the UK. But didn't it have Chinese writing in something? | ||
| There is other stuff online that's trying to say this is from China. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| What is that one? | ||
| The sperm bank? | ||
| The Chinese sperm bank? | ||
| I love the memes. | ||
| Go scroll down again. | ||
| The meme of the lady getting her eyes washed out by Clorox. | ||
| I fucking love the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The internet can fucking deliver. | |
| Put that. | ||
| Put that. | ||
| That meme after that video. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So it's a UK fetish house. | ||
| So it's a real video. | ||
| It says, I found this on WeChat. | ||
| They said this is China's collection room for sperm bank. | ||
| That's a weird statement too. | ||
| That's what it says from WeChat? | ||
| That's what the person that found it on WeChat says this is probably what the caption on the video was. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But how does it relate to the UK then? | ||
| It turns out the video is from the UK. Oh, so it's not really... | ||
| It's a fetish house. | ||
| Fetish clinic. | ||
| Can you imagine trusting a robot on your dick? | ||
| Like, what if it breaks? | ||
| What if it goes wrong? | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| Have you? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| With that? | ||
| No, not that thing, but I've had the, there's a blowjob thing. | ||
| That thing looks too strong. | ||
| Tom and I got a bunch of sex toys for two bears to try them out. | ||
| And the only ones we tried out were the anal, we did butt plugs. | ||
| Put them in your own butt? | ||
| Well, we tried. | ||
| It's really hard to get a butt plug in your ass. | ||
| You'd be shocked. | ||
| Some gals would beg to differ. | ||
| Dude, I don't know how they do it. | ||
| I think you've got to have someone put a butt plug in your ass, because I don't think you... | ||
| Could do it yourself? | ||
| It's too hard. | ||
| I mean, both of us tried pretty aggressively. | ||
| But one of the things we got was a blowjob machine. | ||
| It's an electronic blowjob machine. | ||
| Somebody mentioned that on the podcast once, right? | ||
| Didn't they send us some? | ||
| And we were like, get the fuck out of here with this thing. | ||
| Yeah, we have something out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want to try it? | ||
| No, we don't want to try it. | ||
| I mean, bring it in. | ||
| Let's see what it is. | ||
| Just let it hang out and get to know us. | ||
| But that thing where the cord's hanging from the ceiling? | ||
| I couldn't have my hands tied up and have something on my dick. | ||
| I guess here's the tweet that Jordan did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He called it, uh, so much fun and unbelievable techno nightmare CCP hell. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| What is he saying? | ||
| They're all shaved. | ||
| But what does he say? | ||
| He posted something about that in what you just had. | ||
| This is somebody else talking about it. | ||
| Oh, just unironically retweeted a video of BDSM male milking dungeon in the UK claimed to be footage of human rights abuses in China. | ||
| Someone dunking on Jordan. | ||
| I couldn't go to one of those BDSM places like that. | ||
| I was a dominatrix camp for a day for a TV show, but I don't know if I could welcome that into my life. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yes, I do know what you mean. | ||
| Yeah, don't welcome that in your life. | ||
| There's other shit to do. | ||
| You should be on your tour bus. | ||
| Not laying in a fucking hospital bed getting jerked off by a robot. | ||
| But I wonder if that... | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| That's fucking hot. | ||
| Is it though? | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| Why? | ||
| If Leanne showed up in the bedroom dressed like that, I'd be like... | ||
| That looks like a Mortal Kombat villain. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about latex. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Everybody's got their thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The latex thing's a weird one, right? | ||
| There's something about the leather and the zippers and the bondage and the straps. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Dudes like to get ball gagged and kicked in the nuts. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That I can't understand. | ||
| But I do understand. | ||
| I do understand. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| They pay for it. | ||
| It's not enjoyable. | ||
| They're tied behind their back with a fucking ball in their mouth getting kicked in the nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bang! | |
| Bang! | ||
| They're CEOs. | ||
| They like that shit. | ||
| That's it, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're CEOs. | ||
| Did I ever tell you the time when Norton and I were having dinner after a show, and we were in Austin, and some lady comes up to him because she knows he's into BDSM, so he's into dominatrices, and she comes over and tells us that she's a dominatrix. | ||
| And we're like, no way. | ||
| So she sits down with us and tells us a story because she knows that Norton's into it and tells us it's like mostly these very, very wealthy business owners and CEOs and these like buttoned down guys. | ||
| And then what they really want to do to blow that steam off is just be really naughty. | ||
| They want to be naughty boys. | ||
| They want to be told what to do. | ||
| And the girl dominates them. | ||
| And she goes, it's not even really sexual. | ||
| Like a lot of times, like sometimes they jerk off, but a lot of times they don't even. | ||
| It's like it's not sexual at all. | ||
| It's like they just want a woman to tell them what to do while they're naked and yell at them and make fun of them and mock them. | ||
| Once I came, I'd be like, alright, the game's over. | ||
| Untie me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Untie me. | |
| I'm fucking going. | ||
| I gotta get an Uber out of here. | ||
| I'm embarrassed of who I am. | ||
| When I did it, they did everything to me. | ||
| The electric shocked my balls. | ||
| They put 10 pound weights on my balls. | ||
| They put a cock ring ball thing and then hold them down. | ||
| 10 pounds is fucking heavy. | ||
| I think it was 10 pounds. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was tied up. | ||
| I was tied up totally fucking naked. | ||
| This is a TV show, mind you. | ||
| Totally fucking naked. | ||
| I mean, completely naked. | ||
| I think they shaved me. | ||
| And I was like, at one point, I was like, am I shooting porn? | ||
| This feels like we're shooting porn. | ||
| And never got hard until they put me in this thing, like latex. | ||
| She wrapped me in it, and she slid a tube in it, and she squirted some sort of lube into the tube and started moving it around inside the latex. | ||
| And I was bound. | ||
| I was completely bound. | ||
| And the second it hit my dick, we had a safe word, it was Marshmallow. | ||
| The second it hit my dick, I realized, oh, this is the moment where you go, I can't say no, I'm gonna keep this going. | ||
| So I was like, Marshmallow. | ||
| She was like, what? | ||
| I go, Marshmallow. | ||
| Get me out of here. | ||
| If you do a little bit more, I'm not gonna say anything, and I'm gonna come in this fucking thing, and everyone's gonna be fucking weird. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Yeah, that was the... | ||
| But yeah, I don't mind seeing videos and stuff, but the second I come, I'm like, I'm fucking done with this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm out. | |
| Someone told me about... | ||
| The videos of... | ||
| The massage videos where... | ||
| It was a woman. | ||
| I think it might have been Nikki Glaser. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Sorry, Nikki, if I misremembered. | ||
| Nikki's into some weird shit. | ||
| Nikki's... | ||
| But she's open and honest about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I couldn't... | ||
| I'm into weird shit, but I'm not open and honest about it. | ||
| She's in gangbang videos. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Isn't that what she said she was into? | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| I couldn't... | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I don't understand the whole gangbang thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I don't get it either. | ||
| I don't want to watch it. | ||
| I can't imagine two dudes with one girl. | ||
| I can imagine that people are into anything. | ||
| And that there's going to be people that are into that. | ||
| But if that's like your thing, like, where's the gangbang video? | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Found my spot. | ||
| You know, if you got, like, gangbang videos bookmarked on your computer, like, what? | ||
| You're just hoping to show up where anybody can fuck this person? | ||
| And you just pile in? | ||
| I, uh... | ||
| Tom and I went to a dominatrix together for a live show one time. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| And I'm game for anything. | ||
| And Leanne's cool, because Leanne doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| She knows where, you know, Adriana Chechik offered me and Tom to have a double team on her. | ||
| And so we called our wives. | ||
| We're like, hey, can we fuck Adriana Chechik? | ||
| And Leanne's like, fucking no. | ||
| I go, okay, what if we both wear strap-ons? | ||
| And we'll fuck them with the strap-ons. | ||
| And Tom's like, what are we going to do with our dicks? | ||
| I go, we're jerking off, Tom, don't worry. | ||
| And then she goes, and then Leanne's like, no. | ||
| I go, what if we turn the strap-ons backward like tails, and we fuck her backwards? | ||
| We're not even looking. | ||
| She's like, no, but we greenlight this dominatrix thing. | ||
| So we go, and they do everything. | ||
| They spank us, and they do whatever. | ||
| And then at the very end, she tethers our cocks together with this electric shocker thing and starts electrocuting our cocks. | ||
| And we're tied together. | ||
| We're closer than me and you. | ||
| I mean, like we're moving a chair. | ||
| This recently? | ||
| Yeah, for New Year's Eve a couple years ago. | ||
| And yeah, there we are. | ||
| And we get done. | ||
| And we're like, alright, everything's wrapped up. | ||
| And then she looks at me and Tom and she goes, you guys wanna come? | ||
| And I mean, you wanna talk about a moment, a pregnant pause. | ||
| Tom and I look at each other and we're like, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And Tom goes, wait, how would you do that? | ||
| And she goes, I'll take you guys over there. | ||
| I got this little machine. | ||
| I could make it come in like fucking 30 seconds. | ||
| And Tom and I were just looking at each other like, definitely, we don't want that. | ||
| Let's just leave. | ||
| And then we go to leave and the girl, another dominatrix comes in and goes, oh my god, Tom Segura, I'm such a big fan. | ||
| He's like, oh, what's up? | ||
| He's like, do you know my friend? | ||
| She goes, no, I've never seen him. | ||
| So Tom starts giggling. | ||
| She goes, can I get a picture? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, sure. | ||
| So they go over to get a picture. | ||
| She goes, on your knees, pig. | ||
| And he's like, huh? | ||
| She goes, on your fucking knees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Tom just gets on his knees and they take a picture of them. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is Tom and I with the dominatrix. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's a fucking weird world. | ||
| It is, it is. | ||
| You know, some people are into golf. | ||
| There was a doc- I wanted to bring this up earlier because I forgot about it. | ||
| There was a documentary that they did about this woman who participated in a hundred man gangbang. | ||
| It was like an open public gangbang and she was very intelligent, like a very smart person who was like a college student at the time. | ||
| Like an Asian lady, if I remember correctly. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and she was kind of relaying what it was like to have all these people inside of her and talking about the fingernails, scratching her, because there was just men off the street. | ||
| That participated in these gangbanks. | ||
| Like, guys could just sign up and fuck this famous porn star. | ||
| But what, I mean, just help from a health way. | ||
| Oh, it's just craziness. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| You're getting herpes. | ||
| But there was this thing that was going on For a while, where there was records to see who had the biggest gangbang. | ||
| There was another woman who was in competition with her at first. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| I remember the Houston 500. That's right. | ||
| Houston 500? | ||
| I think she... | ||
| There's gonna be 600, I think, at the end of the day. | ||
| 600 men? | ||
| She fucked like 600 different men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, over a period of many, many hours. | ||
| But I think this other woman did a gangbang movie. | ||
| Can I see what she looks like? | ||
| Because it was a movie about it. | ||
| The Houston 500 was the... | ||
| Right, but that's not the one with the smart lady. | ||
| The smart lady was... | ||
| There was a documentary about an Asian porn star who did a massive gangbang. | ||
| But there's like... | ||
| It was just weird because they like, if I remember correctly, it was quite a long time ago, like 20 years ago, but they were talking to her about it. | ||
| Like, what was the experience like? | ||
| And I was like, yes, Annabelle Chong. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Why? | ||
| The 90s porn star Annabelle Chong was arguably the most famous Singaporean in the world. | ||
| Two decades later, she talks about what she's been doing since she vanished from the public eye. | ||
| So see if you can find the movie about her. | ||
| So that's like a recent thing on her. | ||
| There's got to be something. | ||
| I mean, I don't mean this disrespectful, but there's got to be something broken inside her brain. | ||
| Maybe that fixed it. | ||
| Maybe it was just like, just eating 500 cocks. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I would try to say... | ||
| I would say yes, probably. | ||
| But, like, I don't know why people like what they like. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very interesting when, you know, people... | ||
| Whatever they like. | ||
| Ball gags. | ||
| Leather. | ||
| I won't kink shame her. | ||
| But at the same time, if you're going to say that this is okay as a... | ||
| Then, like, you gotta go, like, I'm not into rough sex. | ||
| I've never understood rough sex. | ||
| Because, for me, sex is about, like, showing my vulnerabilities or whatever. | ||
| But, like, dudes like it. | ||
| And then people get kink-shamed because they like rough sex. | ||
| Then all of a sudden, everyone, like, comes out and they fucking don't like them. | ||
| Well, rough sex, the thing that scares people is that rough sex is the next-door neighbor to violence. | ||
| Like rough sex and then violence against women. | ||
| They're like so close to each other. | ||
| But chicks, I remember- Some chicks like it. | ||
| I've never been with a chick that's ever asked for Robin Williams. | ||
| Sex, that's it. | ||
| The Annabelle Chong story. | ||
| So it's a documentary from 99. Wow. | ||
| A documentary explores, see if you can get it, Annabelle Chong's adult film star whose claim to fame is the world's biggest gangbang where she had sex with 251 men in 10 hours. | ||
| The film is an attempt to understand her motivation. | ||
| She has a degree from USC in gender studies Oh, it's not a real degree and is an intelligent woman with very clear ideas and understanding about her life But she has two very different yet fascinating personalities. | ||
| Yeah, that was what was interesting about it was that she's very smart person But is doing this thing that you would think would be a very terrible idea You gotta bring that up on a first date, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I would think, yeah, don't wait until you really love each other. | ||
| Because that's gonna be a hard one to get past. | ||
| Do you, when, this is an intimate question, you don't have to ask this, but when you met your wife, did you ever ask how many people have you been with? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I don't think that that, do you really want, first of all, do you want to dwell on it? | ||
| Do you want to dwell on all the guys she fucked? | ||
| Do you want to tell all the girls you fucked? | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| I've only had sex with six chicks. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You talk about that on stage. | ||
| Yeah, I've only had sex with six chicks. | ||
| But I have intimacy issues. | ||
| That fucking story you tell is so funny. | ||
| About what? | ||
| About the one night stand showing up at your show. | ||
| Oh, I told that last night. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Did you forget? | ||
| Yeah, I totally did. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, that was good. | ||
| Save that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Save that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Well, that's the cool thing about watching a whole new hour get launched. | ||
| Because I go up like a fire hose and just start trying, like as ideas come to me, I'm just like spitting them out, spitting them out, spitting them out. | ||
| But that was what was so cool was watch you navigate through that process, like, and knowing that it was, but also everyone there to see you do it. | ||
| So it was fun. | ||
| I saw Christina do that too. | ||
| She did that at the creek. | ||
| It was right after her Netflix special. | ||
| She went up to the creek with notes and fucked around. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It's interesting because that is the stand-up I used to do before I started doing bigger venues. | ||
| When I first did my first theater, Tommy called me and he was like, it's got to be a little more structured. | ||
| You'll see, but it needs to be a little more structured. | ||
| And I didn't understand what he was talking about and I realized... | ||
| It can be fun, it can be wild, but you can't, any of the club cheat codes that we have, I don't know if, you can't explain it to everyone, but there's some cheat codes you can get in the club to like muscle your way through a bit that you can't get in a theater. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And you definitely can't do in an arena. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, there's an intimacy in the club that makes fucking around a different thing. | ||
| You can't fuck around like that when you're doing 15,000 people. | ||
| It's just too weird. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| And you can't go fast when you're doing an arena, because I tell it to everyone, when the first arena show you do, take your time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's got to get all the way back there, and then it's got to get back all the way up here. | ||
| Arena timing's different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| You have to talk about arena timing. | ||
| Did you ever think of that? | ||
| When you're on the Travel Channel, you'd be talking about arena timing? | ||
| If you told me... | ||
| Arena timing. | ||
| If you told me, I would never imagine that I'd be where I am today when I first did this podcast. | ||
| Like, the first day I did this podcast, and I got in the car with Red Band, and I had 3,000 followers on Twitter. | ||
| And we were driving home, and I was wasted, and I was like, that was funny shit. | ||
| To tell me that I am today, you know, that I'm in the middle of an arena tour, I have a movie coming out, I have a Netflix special... | ||
| I'm a fifth fucking special. | ||
| I don't deserve it. | ||
| I feel like there's so many people so much better than me. | ||
| It's not about that. | ||
| You definitely deserve it. | ||
| And it's not like so many people deserve it. | ||
| No, it doesn't exist for them. | ||
| You made a thing. | ||
| You figured out a path, and you got through, and it's great, and people love it. | ||
| It's not a matter of whether or not you deserve it. | ||
| Of course you deserve it. | ||
| I was lucky. | ||
| I was lucky in that... | ||
| Everyone's lucky. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| There's a couple things of advice that I'm really glad I took. | ||
| The number one, number one bit of advice that I'm glad I took is when you came up to me at the Ice House with the whiskey, shots of Jack, and two beers. | ||
| And you said, hey, we're trying to be your friend. | ||
| You gotta let us. | ||
| And I did not want any friends. | ||
| I did not want a fucking friend. | ||
| I had my kids and my wife. | ||
| I was good. | ||
| I remember you were like, we're trying to be your friend. | ||
| Just let us be your friend. | ||
| And I was like, I'm so... | ||
| Grateful that it was you that said it in that moment and that I listened because the group of friends I have now is so wide and so thick and it's because of that one moment. | ||
| I just was like, fuck comics, they're crazy. | ||
| Fuck famous people. | ||
| Well, I knew that you had had some bad experiences with some other comics that we know, one in specific that we know that's out of his fucking mind. | ||
| And I was like, dude, you met some bad people. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| This is a good group. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| I remember saying to Red Band, we were at the improv, it was before I met you. | ||
| And I said, I kind of met Red Band, I knew Ari. | ||
| And I said, so what's wrong with Joe? | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| And I go, what's wrong? | ||
| Is he gay? | ||
| Or what's his thing? | ||
| And they're like, what do you mean? | ||
| I was like, no one's ever this nice. | ||
| Like, something's going on. | ||
| He needs something. | ||
| He wants something. | ||
| What's he trying to get? | ||
| And they're like, nothing. | ||
| And then Ari did this little, let me tell you, never paid for a meal around, Joe. | ||
| Fly first class. | ||
| Put up nice. | ||
| Treats us right. | ||
| It's the greatest guy in the fucking world. | ||
| And I was like, hmm, okay. | ||
| I'll wait until he tries to kiss me and tell you guys. | ||
| And then you and Bill telling me that my TV show sucked and I needed to focus on stand-up. | ||
| I'm glad I listened to that. | ||
| It's like amazing. | ||
| If I didn't, I mean, obviously you know my respect I have for you, but I have the same for Bill. | ||
| And then that phone call you gave me in Vietnam. | ||
| Well, I was high, and I was in the green room of the Comedy Store, and I called you up just because I missed you. | ||
| I was like, what's he up to? | ||
| And then when you answered, and you're like, I'm on a motorcycle! | ||
| I'm in Vietnam! | ||
| It was like an overwhelming voice in my head was like, you gotta get this guy to quit that fucking show. | ||
| I was like, you gotta quit that show. | ||
| Like, you have to quit. | ||
| I'm like, Bert, you're too funny. | ||
| I go, you should be a huge stand-up comedian. | ||
| You know, but what's crazy is, I think maybe now you can hear that advice and connect to where I am today and going, okay, he's got a movie coming out, he's got all these big things. | ||
| But you don't believe in yourself then. | ||
| You're just some fucking... | ||
| $1,500 a week comic, a $3,000 a week comic maybe at the time, going like, it'll never happen for me. | ||
| We were saying this before the podcast started. | ||
| When I was younger, before I met Leanne and then right when I met Leanne, I wanted it so bad. | ||
| I wanted what I have now, I wanted it so bad. | ||
| But I thought it would be different. | ||
| It's not what I thought it was going to be. | ||
| I wanted it, I watched Dane, you know, I'm 100% honest, so if it bothers anyone what I'm about to say, I'm fine. | ||
| I watched Dane blow up, and I wasn't jealous, but I was envious. | ||
| I was like, how cool. | ||
| He goes to like, he like knows movie stars. | ||
| And then I'm so grateful that I didn't get what I wanted. | ||
| I'm so grateful that it didn't show up until I was 44, and then now I'm 50, and I can really appreciate it. | ||
| It would never have meant what it means to have Ron White watch me do stand-up. | ||
| It means something to me. | ||
| When I did the Boston Garden, I fucking... | ||
| I cried on stage. | ||
| I'm going to cry telling you this. | ||
| Standing ovations are interesting because you can cheat them. | ||
| I did this to Ari one time. | ||
| I was like, you want me to show you how to get a standing ovation? | ||
| And he was like, wait, you can get a standing ovation? | ||
| I go, it's super easy. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| And I walked him through like a five-point PowerPoint process of how to get a standing ovation. | ||
| And he was, I mean, Joe, it was almost like the day he lost his religion in Judaism. | ||
| He's just like, that's not fair. | ||
| Is anyone else upset by this? | ||
| But when you get them and you've earned them, and it happens quick, and it's just... | ||
| And everyone stands up. | ||
| That has happened a few times to me, and every time I fucking cry. | ||
| I'm just like, boom, water. | ||
| I cry easy, too. | ||
| I think I'm fucking... | ||
| Thank God I'm on testosterone. | ||
| A lot of estrogen? | ||
| A lot of estrogen. | ||
| My testosterone levels were so bad that Brigham was like, I have to call you they. | ||
| But yeah, I never thought I'd be where I am. | ||
| And if it all goes away tomorrow, I go, that was a fun fucking ride. | ||
| It's like riding a horse. | ||
| It's fucking been a goddamn trip. | ||
| But the key is now, with the success you have, is recognizing that there is no destination. | ||
| There's none. | ||
| Because this thought that you're gonna get somewhere and it's all gonna make sense. | ||
| No, what happens is your motivation shifts. | ||
| Your motivation shifts from this unstoppable desire to make it, then your motivation shifts to doing the best work that you can. | ||
| I don't get nervous going on stage, but very seldomly do I prepare. | ||
| Like, prepare. | ||
| Where I go, let's think very thoughtfully about what we want to... | ||
| Let's turn this into a job and let's work. | ||
| And last night, I sat down before dinner with you and I wrote every new idea I had down. | ||
| And I said, I got my book. | ||
| I remember a lot of them I want to do. | ||
| I'm going to make sure I hit all of them. | ||
| Because I was like, there's a chance that Jim Norton... | ||
| I didn't know Jim would be there, but there's a chance that I know that you'll be there. | ||
| And I go, these are my peers, and I want to make sure they know that I'm working. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| The second you see your peers stop working, and I won't say their names, but we've seen them. | ||
| The big comics that just phoned it in. | ||
| And I go... | ||
| And I was very thoughtful in my approach to doing stand-up last night. | ||
| Because I was like... | ||
| I was like, that's when it goes away is when you stop giving a fuck, you stop bringing around a joke book. | ||
| That's with everything in life. | ||
| That's when your marriage fucks up. | ||
| That's when your friendships fuck up. | ||
| That's when you're a bad neighbor. | ||
| That's when you're a bad dad. | ||
| That's when you're bad at your job. | ||
| It's when you suck at a sport. | ||
| You know, I mean, a lot of things in life is whether or not you appreciate them. | ||
| It's being in them and recognizing. | ||
| Like, when we were kids, when we were starting out doing stand-up, the idea that making a living doing stand-up was crazy. | ||
| Like, we always had jobs, right? | ||
| Everybody had jobs in the beginning. | ||
| So you're like, Imagine if I could only pay my bills through comedy. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then when you get there, then you're like, oh, how come he's got an HBO special? | |
| I don't have an HBO special. | ||
| It's so easy to get caught up in the stupid parts and just not appreciate it. | ||
| Not appreciate your health. | ||
| That's the feeling that I always get if I ever get sick, is that feeling when I get sick like, oh my god. | ||
| This is terrible. | ||
| I am going to appreciate health so much more as soon as I get better. | ||
| Because when you feel like run down and tired and weak, you're like, oh no, what an awful feeling. | ||
| Like, I have to recognize that my health is a fucking, it's of utmost priority. | ||
| You've got to be healthy. | ||
| And don't just think about it when you get sick. | ||
| Because when you're healthy, you think about all kinds of stupid shit. | ||
| You don't think about, make sure you don't get sick. | ||
| But when you're sick, you're like, oh my God, I've got to get healthy. | ||
| Nothing matters until you're healthy. | ||
| If someone could say, look, you could stay sick for the rest of your life, but you never have to work again, you're going to have unlimited income, but you're going to feel like absolute dog shit every day. | ||
| He'd be like, no! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| That's not a life. | ||
| That's not life. | ||
| Life is when you're healthy. | ||
| And no one thinks like that when they're healthy. | ||
| Because when you're healthy, you just think about stupid shit. | ||
| Like, why don't I have the car that I want? | ||
| Why does she have those shoes? | ||
| And I don't. | ||
| Why is this and that? | ||
| You're just caught up in your own fucking head. | ||
| Dude, so I woke up this morning. | ||
| I partied pretty hard last night. | ||
| But I woke up this morning and I... And I was wondering what your motivation was. | ||
| Because I woke up and I had slept on my hand, and so my hand was asleep in the morning, so I was like, I had a stroke. | ||
| And so then I went, oh my god, I did that. | ||
| I thought you were going to tell me you jerked off to the dead hand. | ||
| Put it on there and just... | ||
| I should have. | ||
| Numb-handed it. | ||
| God, I wish you'd have been in bed with me. | ||
| I'd give you advice. | ||
| Spit in your hand first. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| You're already fucking your own numb hand. | ||
| But I got up and I went, and I realized, oh, my hand's just asleep. | ||
| And then immediately I go, it's that health thing. | ||
| I go, I'm going to the gym. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Four miles. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Do four miles, head over Rogan, eat salmon, be healthy. | ||
| I'm telling you, I've never been more motivated with health because of dealing with ways to wellness, because once you start taking that accountability, you go, well, now it's time to right the boat, for real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I go, I know my motivation for working out is punitive. | ||
| It's more like I get angry at myself. | ||
| I go, way to go, fuckface. | ||
| Okay, you wanted to have last night? | ||
| Then this is the morning you get. | ||
| You wanted to come home, fucking take a roadie with you and drink it in your room? | ||
| Then you get up and you go do four miles. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| And I was like, I wonder... | ||
| Because I know, I never understood, before I worked out the way I do now, I never understood the way your brain worked about your, that without working out, you'd want to fucking kill someone. | ||
| It kind of centered you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I get that now. | ||
| I get, once, I can feel like shit, but once I push it out of me, I feel amazing for the rest of the day. | ||
| Yeah, it's medicine. | ||
| It's medicine for everybody. | ||
| It's not just for me, it's for everybody. | ||
| It's just, it's hard to do. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| And you've got to recognize that it's hard to do, but you have to still do it. | ||
| If you could force yourself to do it, it's better. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| It's really all in that form. | ||
| You also don't have to do anything that hard. | ||
| The thing about exercise is if you can get a really good sweat going and get your heart rate up and push... | ||
| That's great, but if you can't and you just want to walk around your block, that's way better than not walking around your block. | ||
| Like, everything is good. | ||
| Everything you could do is good up until you get injured, right? | ||
| So do it smart. | ||
| Do it smart and do it regularly and build up. | ||
| Don't go, like, if you have been working out for 20 years, don't Immediately join a fucking CrossFit class and blow your back out. | ||
| Do it smart. | ||
| Do it slowly at first. | ||
| Start with push-ups. | ||
| Get a chin-up bar. | ||
| Build up. | ||
| And then after a few weeks of being very consistent with that, then start going to a gym. | ||
| Maybe if you can afford it, get a trainer. | ||
| If not, there's tons of YouTube videos. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Netflix has a new workout series. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Netflix has a new workout series. | ||
| Let me pee and then we'll talk about it. | ||
| Yeah, sure, sure. | ||
| I'm so over hydrated lately. | ||
| I used to be the champ of not pissing during podcasts, but when I went to Waste to Well, I found out I was dehydrated. | ||
| And it was probably because I was right after coming out of the sauna that I got my blood work done. | ||
| But I'm like, God damn it. | ||
| And I have been over-hydrating since then, but I feel fucking great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| But I have to pee all the time. | ||
| Alright, go piss. | ||
| And bring back an ice cube. | ||
| Yeehaw, burn crusher. | ||
| Our boy Aaron Rodgers went to the Jets. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I think our boy Aaron Rodgers went to the Jets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah? | |
| I think so. | ||
| Someone was asking me about that. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| Aaron Rodgers is a saint. | ||
| Nicest guy you could ever meet. | ||
| He's the coolest dude. | ||
| Does not feel at all like he's famous. | ||
| No, he, dude. | ||
| Feels like a fucking totally normal, regular guy. | ||
| He showed up. | ||
| Are we rolling? | ||
| We're back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He showed up. | ||
| I texted him on Twitter. | ||
| I made a message about him on Twitter when I was in Green Bay. | ||
| I was doing the rest center right next to the Lambo. | ||
| And he DMs me. | ||
| He's like, are you trolling me, motherfucker? | ||
| And I was scared. | ||
| I was like, he brought man energy. | ||
| Like, athletes bring man energy to you. | ||
| Any cage fighter I've ever fucking talked to, man energy. | ||
| I talk shit about, uh, never mind, I'm bringing that up. | ||
| So, uh, I said me and Tom were gonna jump Nate DS one time. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And Shane Gillis was like, that was a mistake. | ||
| Yeah, don't say that. | ||
| So, uh, it was a joke, Nate, just joking, big fan. | ||
| So, uh, He DMs me, and I panic. | ||
| I'm not good at talking to celebrities, so I call Tom, who's awesome at it. | ||
| He's better at that than stand-up. | ||
| And he goes, just DM him back. | ||
| Say, huge fan. | ||
| Would you like to take us to my show? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| So I write back. | ||
| Not what I would ever write. | ||
| You know I'd write a paragraph of, no, no, no, no, I love you. | ||
| I think you're awesome. | ||
| Your hair looks so cool. | ||
| I love it when it's wet. | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
| And so I DM exactly back, and then he writes back, no, huge fan, I just didn't know. | ||
| He's like, are you at the rest center tonight? | ||
| I was like, yeah, and he's like, can I stop by? | ||
| And I'm like, wow, that's how Tom gets in these bands with these celebrities. | ||
| So I text back, yeah. | ||
| And then he just shows up, regular ass dude. | ||
| Knocks on the window of our bus. | ||
| Walks in, smells awesome, he's got his wet hair. | ||
| And we're like, ah! | ||
| And he was the coolest fucking hang. | ||
| Like, no pretense. | ||
| I mean, I gotta be honest with you, and I've made jokes about this, but like, we had a camera on. | ||
| And Aaron Rodgers was so open and honest about everything that I actually said, can we turn this camera off? | ||
| Because I don't ever want him thinking I'd ever leverage any of that shit. | ||
| He was just the realest dude And he's been the sweetest guy. | ||
| Now I want to know what the fuck he said. | ||
| He just opened up that door. | ||
| Why'd you do that? | ||
| Let me tell you, I'm bad with secrets. | ||
| I'm really bad with secrets, but Aaron Rodgers, I'll keep your secrets until the day I fucking die. | ||
| He'll keep your secrets until this podcast is over, and then he's going to fucking tell me, Aaron. | ||
| I can almost guarantee you anything he'd tell me, he'd tell you, but almost guarantee. | ||
| Do you want a cigar? | ||
| Yes, I fucking love a cigar. | ||
| I knew you would. | ||
| Did you hear the joke I had about Tommy last night? | ||
| No. | ||
| About secrets? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'll save it. | ||
| I got a good one. | ||
| That motherfucker's going down. | ||
| What kind of cigars you got? | ||
| Look at that fucking humidor, Joe. | ||
| It's pretty dope, right? | ||
| Oh, are these your cigars? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, a fucking yes. | ||
| Do you know who loves these cigars? | ||
| It's Bobby Kelly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he said that Bobby knows his cigars. | ||
| These are from Foundation Cigars. | ||
| Foundation Cigars makes good cigars. | ||
| Yeah, I was very skeptical when they said they were going to make a JRE cigar. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is going to suck. | ||
| Do you ever look back at how much you've changed in the last 10 years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| How much have I changed? | ||
| Like, you weren't a cigar guy 10 years ago. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| You weren't a cigar guy, and you know what else you weren't? | ||
| I still like cigars. | ||
| Can I call you on what else you weren't? | ||
| Which I wasn't either, but now I am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You weren't a watch guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were not a watch guy. | ||
| Well, the UFC bought me a watch. | ||
| They bought me a Rolex. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was really nice. | ||
| And then I did a podcast with Matt Farah. | ||
| You know Matt from Smoking Tire? | ||
| Of course I know Matt Farah. | ||
| And I was making fun of watch people. | ||
| I'm like, what are you gonna watch this for? | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| And then as time went on, I bought a watch. | ||
| And then I started getting into the mechanics of them. | ||
| I didn't even before know the difference between a quartz watch and an automatic watch. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I was like, what's the difference? | ||
| Who gives a shit if it fucking ticks or if the thing... | ||
| And then I started to realize, like, oh my god, there's all these little tiny pieces and the movement of your wrist is what... | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| The movement of your wrist is what makes the fucking watch wind and that it can stay winding forever like that? | ||
| Like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And then I just started getting into the history of how these things were made and how crazy it is that someone figured out how to make these little springs and gears move exactly to the tune of 24 hours in a day. | ||
| Like, it's pretty wild. | ||
| The ones that blow me away are the Moonphase watches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those Moonphase watches. | ||
| Like, so I don't know what I like. | ||
| I have to have someone tell me what I like sometimes, like with cars, with watches. | ||
| I always go to Tommy. | ||
| Tommy's been really good at telling me what's cool and what to dig, what to get. | ||
| Even with this watch, I didn't know that I wanted it. | ||
| I didn't know what I wanted. | ||
| And then I had to see it, and then I was like, oh, I like that. | ||
| That's a Rolex Daytona. | ||
| Everybody loves that. | ||
| That's the Panda. | ||
| It's the fucking... | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| And now I go, well, do I need another watch? | ||
| So I sit next to this dude on an airplane yesterday talking about the financial crisis, and he starts telling me about watches. | ||
| And he's like, have you seen... | ||
| Rolex has a moon phase watch. | ||
| It's called a Selene or something. | ||
| And he's like, that's the fucking gangster watch. | ||
| You see the one that I gave Lex Friedman? | ||
| You ever see that watch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's an Omega Speedmaster, but it has the moon phase built into it with a high-resolution, tiny image. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this beautiful watch. | ||
| And he said it's... | ||
| He says, this is the most slept-on watch. | ||
| Shout-out to... | ||
| God, that's gorgeous. | ||
| It's a gorgeous fucking watch. | ||
| That's so pretty. | ||
| I just love... | ||
| I don't have a lot of leather-banded watches. | ||
| I'm not a thoughtful person, so I get in showers and pools and not think. | ||
| So I need to have a watch that can deal with everything. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You need a waterproof watch too. | ||
| I like dive watches. | ||
| Those are my favorite because I like to turn the bezel when someone's on stage. | ||
| I was like explaining it to Tony and those guys. | ||
| I go, this is the reason why I have a dive watch. | ||
| When you go on stage, I'll put that little bezel to the minute hand and I'll know exactly how long you've been on stage. | ||
| So I don't have to go, how long has you been up? | ||
| And thinking like, when do I go up? | ||
| Instead, I just look at my watch, and it shows me. | ||
| Because, you know, it's always a little off, two minutes, you know, someone's supposed to go on at 8, they go on at 8.04, and they're like, you don't know when you get off. | ||
| And so, to have that little feature on a dive bezel, where the bezel spins around to the minute hand, is fucking huge. | ||
| The GMT is my, I totally know I wouldn't buy a watch for a year, because she gave me this for my birthday, and she was like, respect it's a gift, and enjoy it for at least one year before you go buying another watch. | ||
| Wow, she tells you what to do, huh? | ||
| Bro, you have no fucking idea. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I don't think you'd enjoy being inside our house and watching our marriage. | ||
| If I gave you my ring cam or my Nest Cam, I think there'd be a couple times where you'd call me and go, Hey man, I need to give you some advice real quick. | ||
| But maybe that wouldn't my, you know, maybe it's not good advice. | ||
| You guys seem like you've got a good relationship. | ||
| Maybe you need a mom. | ||
| Maybe you need someone to... | ||
| Maybe you need someone telling you what to do. | ||
| Dude, I definitely... | ||
| I have no idea about anything. | ||
| We were building... | ||
| We did the podcast out of the house, out of the guest house in the back, and we were doing it out of there. | ||
| And Leanne just fucking went off the reservation one day and bought a new house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| And was like, we're going to build a podcast studio out of this house. | ||
| And I was like, huh? | ||
| She was like, yeah. | ||
| And I start panicking, because I don't know about how much money comes in, or I don't know anything about that. | ||
| And I was like, hold on. | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| You just bought a fucking... | ||
| She goes, trust me, it's a great investment. | ||
| It's a great house. | ||
| We got a great price on it. | ||
| We got a low interest rate. | ||
| And we're gonna turn this into, because I've always, my, the old compound you had in LA was like my favorite thing I ever saw. | ||
| Where I was like, this is the fucking goal. | ||
| This is the top. | ||
| When you can have like your podcast set up where you go in and you work and then you go home and you're home. | ||
| Like I go, this is the goal. | ||
| Even Tom, this current one you have now is next fucking level. | ||
| The one Tom has, it's fucking great. | ||
| It's like an office. | ||
| It's an office. | ||
| And Leanne goes, we're gonna hire people. | ||
| We're going to change your business. | ||
| We're going to take control of your business. | ||
| I've also, another little top of the mountain is Stan Hope, the way he operates. | ||
| Because Stan Hope has everything in-house. | ||
| Everything in-house. | ||
| He's got his tour manager, his manager. | ||
| It's really kind of cool to have your own little pirate ship. | ||
| She bought a house. | ||
| She built me a podcast studio in it. | ||
| It's fucking sick. | ||
| She built a Two Bears, One Cave set for when Tommy comes out. | ||
| She put her podcast studio in there. | ||
| She's rebuilding our kitchen because I do Something's Burning. | ||
| She tore out the kitchen and rebuilt a camera-friendly kitchen that shoots this way. | ||
| And she's a gangster, man. | ||
| I could not have married the kind of chick I jerk off to. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| The fact there's zero pause between all the compliments of her and that I could not have married a chick that I jerk off to. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, I hope that doesn't sound bad. | ||
| I might want to edit that out. | ||
| No, keep it in. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| Keep it in. | ||
| Dude, I love my wife. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| I'm attracted to her. | ||
| But man, the chick you see that you jerk off to... | ||
| Those chicks couldn't build me a podcast studio. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| They wouldn't build me a dentist appointment. | ||
| Is that mutually exclusive? | ||
| Like certain body shapes and types and looks, they also can't get it together with other stuff and work? | ||
| I used to date a chick who would put her makeup on naked in front of a mirror. | ||
| I thought it was the hottest thing in the world. | ||
| Leanne doesn't do that. | ||
| If you look at that chick now, she's still putting her naked on the front of the fucking mirror. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, I know so. | ||
| I know so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| And so I look at her life and I go, I'm so glad. | ||
| Don't you think that attractive women, when they get older and the attractiveness sort of goes away, some of them are forced to kind of like look at life in a different way? | ||
| And it's probably not the worst thing for them. | ||
| For some of them. | ||
| Some deal with it right, some deal with it wrong. | ||
| Natasha Leggero definitely didn't like when I said this. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| But I watched, Leanne had a friend who was a model, and she got old. | ||
| And she got older and she gained some weight. | ||
| But she still had a model brain, right? | ||
| That's the right way to say this. | ||
| I knew this movie star one time who his wife said, the problem with him, he was always a fat kid. | ||
| And he'll always be a fat kid. | ||
| No matter how much weight he loses, in his mind, he's still a fat kid. | ||
| I grew up in shape my whole life, so I don't even see me as fat now. | ||
| At all. | ||
| I feel like I'm fucking jacked. | ||
| I mean, dead serious. | ||
| I walked into the green room last night. | ||
| I wasn't joking. | ||
| My tits look great. | ||
| My shoulders look fucking awesome. | ||
| I'm benching 275. I'm fucking jacked right now. | ||
| Same thing happens with hot chicks. | ||
| Leanne had a friend who was a hot chick, and I watched her try to get the bartender's attention. | ||
| And it was something that must have come easier to her when she was younger, but now it was so difficult, and she couldn't figure it out. | ||
| And it was like watching Superman get locked out of his house. | ||
| She was just like this, like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? | ||
| And I'm like, oh, the cachet you had when you were younger that you thought was just given to everyone. | ||
| You didn't realize that was a privilege because you were beautiful. | ||
| Now you're realizing what it's like to be me. | ||
| Like, just be a regular person at the end of a bar trying to get a fucking drink. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's interesting. | ||
| Some people handle it well, and some people don't. | ||
| I mean, it probably goes hand in hand with fame and notoriety. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm lucky that I grew up like a mediocrely attractive, never jacked, never super talented guy, because I think it gives you empathy. | ||
| Well, I think that you can really get confused if you're super attractive and think that whatever attention that you get is normal, that you deserve it, or that you're special. | ||
| Somebody said this, I forget who it was, we've said this quote before, but beauty is a short-lived tyranny. | ||
| Who made that quote? | ||
| Was it Benjamin Franklin or some shit? | ||
| No, no way he fucking said that. | ||
| Socrates? | ||
| He had wooden teeth, right? | ||
| Fucking Plato or some shit. | ||
| Socrates? | ||
| Is he the guy that they gave him a hemlock? | ||
| Is that Socrates? | ||
| You know, Socrates, they made him come up in front of the thing and say, you can live. | ||
| Beauty is this. | ||
| Socrates is a motherfucker. | ||
| Beauty is a short-lived tyranny. | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of what it is. | ||
| Like, when someone is really, really beautiful, like, everyone just pays attention to them when they walk into a room. | ||
| Like, oh my god, look at her. | ||
| Like, people, they just, they're overwhelmed. | ||
| Like, it's royalty. | ||
| It's like human royalty, right? | ||
| There's royalty like royal family, but then there's royalty like genetic royalty. | ||
| And really beautiful people are like genetic royalty. | ||
| They have a thing that no one else can have. | ||
| And other people want it. | ||
| This is why those filters exist. | ||
| You want to pretend you have it. | ||
| You know, you want to, like, pose like you have. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of people that get their face chopped up to try to achieve it. | ||
| But some people are just born with it. | ||
| But that's why... | ||
| And they are born with it, but that's why a guy like, say, Tim Dillon is who Tim Dillon is. | ||
| It's because... | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It didn't... | ||
| And nothing came easy to him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so he had to form a brain that could talk circles around fucking any of those... | ||
| I think that's... | ||
| I mean, I'm sure it speaks on many levels, but like I go, I'm so lucky I had to learn how to be funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I couldn't just get pussy by standing in a corner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You walked into the party like you were walking into a yacht. | |
| You know that? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're so vain? | ||
| Carly Simon? | ||
| Can you play it? | ||
| Can you play it? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Let's play it. | ||
| I love when you play music on this. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This fucking song was... | ||
| Somebody played it in the bar, in the Mitzi's bar the other day. | ||
| That's a fucking great hang, by the way. | ||
| It's a great hang. | ||
| You're doing it right, buddy. | ||
| We're all singing it wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're doing it right. | ||
| We are doing it right. | ||
| You're doing it really right. | ||
| It can be done. | ||
| I hope I get to go to your funeral. | ||
| Hold on, get it from the beginning. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Yeah, this version is gonna suck because it's live. | ||
| See if you can find a non-live version. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Oh, look at her nipples. | ||
| She was so hot, dude. | ||
| She's so fucking hot. | ||
| She is so fucking hot. | ||
| Look how hot she was. | ||
| This is like 70s hippie Carly Simon hot. | ||
| By the way, she looks like she could swallow Mike Tyson's fist with that mouth. | ||
| Look at the size of that mouth. | ||
| Real teeth, real teeth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So hot. | |
| We walked into the party like you were walking into a yacht. | ||
| This is about Warren Beatty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We dipped below one eye. | |
| Your scarf, it was africot. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself walk by. | ||
| And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner. | ||
| What a great fucking song. | ||
| The last thing you want to do is break up with Carly Simon and have her write a song about you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. - Oh. | |
| She is fucking beautiful. | ||
| She's so hot. | ||
| Was she still alive? | ||
| Yeah, but look at that picture. | ||
| That's about as hot as a woman gets. | ||
| You just get different. | ||
| You don't get hotter than that. | ||
| There's like levels of hot. | ||
| There's so many levels of what I'd be attracted to on this. | ||
| First of all, number one, no bra. | ||
| Number two, her hands. | ||
| She's got great hands. | ||
| Number three, her smile is what they try to emulate in plastic surgeon's office. | ||
| Bigger top lip. | ||
| Great teeth. | ||
| Those are real teeth, Joe. | ||
| Those are native teeth. | ||
| Yeah, that was before the veneer days. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking... | ||
| She's still alive. | ||
| I'd hit it. | ||
| She was so hot, dude. | ||
| How old is she now? | ||
| 79. Whoa! | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Life is so fleeting! | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| She was so young and hot and beautiful and fucking talented, man. | ||
| That voice is incredible. | ||
| Look at her lips in the third picture over the left. | ||
| Look at her lips. | ||
| I mean, I don't mean to... | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Those are... | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Plastic surgeons are doing that today. | ||
| Top dollar. | ||
| And she had it natural. | ||
| Great eyebrows. | ||
| In 1971, son. | ||
| Nose could use a little work, but her hair... | ||
| A little bit of a thick nose. | ||
| I bet she got it done. | ||
| Go to the older one. | ||
| Go to the older one. | ||
| She definitely got a nose job. | ||
| Maybe not, bro. | ||
| Leave her alone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There were clouds in my coffee. | |
| Clouds in my coffee and you're so vain. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| Bro, those boobs are off the charts. | ||
| Those boobs are next fucking level. | ||
| Natural boobs or fake boobs? | ||
| 1971, wearing bell bottoms. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| By the way, we're going to find out she was 17 in this picture. | ||
| No, no chance. | ||
| She's got to be young as shit. | ||
| How old was she in 71? | ||
| 65, I think, so she would have been 22. Well, she was 71. She's got to be 25, roughly, at 71. We're five. | ||
| We're out of the woods. | ||
| Natural boobs, man. | ||
| That's the fucking thing. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| Unless you have little tiny ones. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| But what if they could just shoot something in them and make them grow? | ||
| Like a peptide. | ||
| Like a titty peptide. | ||
| Leanne got a fucking Invisalign. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Her teeth are perfect. | ||
| I go, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| She goes, they could be better. | ||
| I go, out of all the plastic stranger, you choose your fucking teeth. | ||
| You can fucking light them. | ||
| It's not plastic surgery. | ||
| Whatever, the fucking cosmetic whatever. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like living with a fucking special needs kid. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| She has the cheek and breast volume enhancing peptide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's real? | ||
| It's real? | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Let me see what it does. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| We'll probably sell this shit. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| When we talked about stomach glutide, I don't know how much of an impact we had on it, but we had a fucking impact. | ||
| It was an impact. | ||
| Who's on stomach glutide? | ||
| A lot of people. | ||
| A lot of people were on it. | ||
| But when we talked about it, then all of a sudden it started popping up everywhere, where the pros and the cons of it. | ||
| But it's like, you gotta be careful about promoting these kind of... | ||
| These things that people take. | ||
| That's my problem. | ||
| I want to talk. | ||
| Okay, so it says, inactive recommendations, 2% in facial redefining or breast firming formulations in addition to any product where replenishing effect is desired. | ||
| So from 2011, they probably got way better shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll see if this is still a thing or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I talked to Braco about that last night. | ||
| I said, listen, man, because you know I'm on his protocol. | ||
| I go, I'm pretty irresponsible about talking about health. | ||
| Like, I'm like the Alex Jones of fitness. | ||
| So I go, I'm skeptical to ever tell anyone what I'm doing with you. | ||
| He was like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| You can tell everyone what you're doing. | ||
| I was like, all right. | ||
| Yeah, people will put it through the Burt filter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they just won't just go out and do exactly what you're doing. | ||
| I'm doing Windstraw, Deca. | ||
| I love steroids. | ||
| I know it's not steroids, but I think it is. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Are you on Winstraw? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| You might have to call Brigham. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think you know. | ||
| No, I don't think I'm on Winstroll. | ||
| I'm on testosterone, TRT. | ||
| Yeah, that's normal. | ||
| TRT. | ||
| Yeah, if you're getting onto that, I'd be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, slow down. | ||
| I know I haven't felt the effects yet because it takes like a month before it starts actually raising your levels. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But the first day, I was fucking- You feel it almost immediately. | |
| You do? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Everyone told me it took like a month. | ||
| I felt it immediately. | ||
| I felt it fucking immediately. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I felt it immediately. | ||
| You've reintroduced testosterone to your system. | ||
| You'll feel it immediately. | ||
| It's the greatest thing in the world. | ||
| Who told you that's going to take months? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| No, you'll have physiological changes in months, like more muscle mass. | ||
| You'll add more muscle mass. | ||
| You'll lose body fat. | ||
| That'll take place over a long period of time. | ||
| But as far as how you feel, it's almost instantly. | ||
| My cardiologist was the one who recommended it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I've dealt with Brigham and Denise. | ||
| I think I'm saying her name, right? | ||
| It's spelled weird, but I'm saying her right. | ||
| When we did stem cells, intravenous stem cells. | ||
| And she goes, let me take your blood. | ||
| And I said, no. | ||
| This is private. | ||
| And she goes, why not? | ||
| And I said, because my dad was there, I think. | ||
| My mom was there. | ||
| And you were there. | ||
| And you and my dad are very similar men. | ||
| You guys both are like, hey... | ||
| What are we doing about this weight loss? | ||
| And I'm like, I don't want to deal with either of these guys right now. | ||
| And don't take my blood. | ||
| She goes, what's going on? | ||
| I said, I've been partying a lot. | ||
| She was like, yeah, but I can fix that. | ||
| I go, yeah, but I don't want to deal with these guys. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Let's show them my dad talk. | ||
| These are the fucking two fucking north stars are sitting together, lighting up like the sun. | ||
| And so then I go in, and then I go to my cardiologist last time, and my liver enzymes for the first time ever are out of the normal range. | ||
| Just a little bit, but out. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| How are they just barely out of the normal range? | ||
| Are you ready? | ||
| Can I tell you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's my cholesterol medicine. | ||
| The cholesterol medicine makes your liver enzymes better? | ||
| No, it fucks them up. | ||
| Oh, that's what's causing it to be fucked up? | ||
| This goes into the weeds because you told me about cholesterol and sugars. | ||
| And that's the conversation I had with Denise. | ||
| And by the way, Alex Jones of Fitness, I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot going on, right? | ||
| There's a lot going on, but it's overall, it's metabolic health. | ||
| And you can't be healthy and be overweight. | ||
| It's like all this stuff that you keep hearing on the news and all this crazy talk about how you can be fat and still be healthy. | ||
| That is just not true. | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| There's a host of diseases that are directly connected with being overweight. | ||
| A host of them. | ||
| It diminishes your immune system. | ||
| It made you more susceptible to COVID. It causes people to get diabetes. | ||
| There's a lot of things that happen when you're obese. | ||
| There's a lot of denial in obesity. | ||
| Because it feels good to eat. | ||
| It feels fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great! | |
| I would like a meatball sub right now with provolone cheese with the sauce and you're biting into it. | ||
| You're like, oh! | ||
| You know that feeling? | ||
| It's all the meat and the bread and the sauce with a little garlic in the sauce and the melted privolone and you're just eating that meatball sub. | ||
| I would love that right now. | ||
| But then after it's over, I'd feel like dog shit. | ||
| Yeah, I could get past that. | ||
| I've done it enough. | ||
| The thing about... | ||
| The thing about my weight, which is weird, is that I've always been sneaky in shape. | ||
| Sneaky can still achieve athletic abilities. | ||
| When we were in Tampa, I brought Fitzsimmons with me. | ||
| And my high school hit me up, and they're like, hey, you want to come out with the kids and say hi to the kids' baseball team? | ||
| So I play baseball? | ||
| Maybe take batting practice? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| In my head, I'm like, I'm hitting the fucking home run. | ||
| And so I go out to the kids and we take batting practice and I hit a fucking home run at 50. I never hit a home run in high school. | ||
| I never once hit it out of the park in high school. | ||
| And I hit a fucking home run at 50. And there's a weird thing that happens in your brain and I don't know if it's denial or if it's like accepting Not wanting to accept the truth, but I literally was like, I hung out with Wade Boggs and fucking Derrick Brooks and all these pro athletes, and I was like, hit a fucking home run today. | ||
| And everyone's like, oh, way to go. | ||
| You're in great shape, big guy. | ||
| And you believe it. | ||
| And you believe it. | ||
| You believe it. | ||
| You go to bed going, I'm having another double Tito's and soda, and I'm fucking, I'm killing it, man. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| But you have this odd brain where you believe things that aren't necessarily true. | ||
| You're telling me. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| But you also say things that you don't believe. | ||
| Wait, I'm going to tell you, this is how fucked up my brain is. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So I was talking to Tom about Michael Jordan. | ||
| And he said, did you ever get him to see him play? | ||
| And I said, I think I did. | ||
| And he goes, what do you mean? | ||
| And I said, I might have. | ||
| I don't know if I did or I didn't, but I might have. | ||
| And I said, actually, I think... | ||
| And he goes, what do you mean? | ||
| And I said, I think I saw Nirvana live. | ||
| But I'm not gonna fact check it, because I don't need to know the truth, because I have the feeling that I saw Nirvana Live. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, that's so fucked up. | |
| I said, what's more important, the memory of seeing them live, or did you see them live? | ||
| What if I find out I didn't see them live, and then I get to lose that memory that I know I have? | ||
| I have a memory of, I know where I was sitting in the Civic Center in Tallahassee. | ||
| I know where I was sitting when I saw Nirvana play. | ||
| Now, I am the kind of person that can make up that memory. | ||
| I am. | ||
| I definitely am. | ||
| I don't know how it happens. | ||
| It's dreams. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it is. | ||
| And I go, so, but why would I cheat myself out of a memory that I feel like I have? | ||
| I feel like I have it. | ||
| It's as tangible to me as anything that did happen or didn't happen. | ||
| Why would I cheat that? | ||
| And so Tom, of course, being a soulless cunt, goes, let's find out if it's real. | ||
| Who'd you see the concert with? | ||
| I go, John Dacre and Brent Bracken. | ||
| And he goes, let's call them up. | ||
| So I call John Dacre. | ||
| Oh, he's on Two Bears. | ||
| I go, John, Have you ever seen... | ||
| Now, I'm like fucking cowering because I'm about to lose seeing Kurt Cobain live and smashing pumpkins open for them. | ||
| And neither one of those happened. | ||
| I go, John, have you ever seen Nirvana live? | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| I saw them with you. | ||
| Smashing Pumpkins opened. | ||
| And I went, I'm done. | ||
| I don't need to fact check Michael Jordan. | ||
| I saw Michael Jordan. | ||
| Even if I didn't, I saw Michael Jordan live because I feel like I did. | ||
| That's all that matters with memories. | ||
| And that's why my brain's broken. | ||
| That's how the Bible got written. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| He's like, dude, he came back to life. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Three days. | ||
| It's faith. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's faith. | ||
| It's how the Bible got written. | ||
| It's literally how the Bible got written. | ||
| The Bible got written. | ||
| It's based on oral stories that lasted for probably a thousand years. | ||
| Did you hear my bit about that last night? | ||
| About the Bible? | ||
| I thought they wrote it in rocks. | ||
| I thought that's why it was so like willy-nilly, because if you got to chisel something, you're not going to like elaborate. | ||
| It's not very willy-nilly. | ||
| You really read it? | ||
| The Bible? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but they're kind of like, he kind of, he walked on water or whatever. | ||
| Well, the real problems with the Bible is that we don't speak ancient Hebrew. | ||
| Like maybe Ari could read that shit, but that's the original Bible, unless you get to the Dead Sea Scrolls, which is Aramaic. | ||
| So, like, if you're reading the Bible, you would have to understand ancient Hebrew. | ||
| And ancient Hebrew is a completely different kind of language because the letters are also numeric. | ||
| So, like, the letter A is also the number one. | ||
| So they don't have a difference between letters and numbers. | ||
| So, like, when you say something, it has a numeric value. | ||
| I can't wait to retell this story at a dinner party because I'm barely listening and go, you know Hebrews can't count, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know they can't count at all? | ||
| Like, they would try. | ||
| And then that's why they got good with money, is they learned how to count. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I'm bad at fucking retaining. | ||
| Ancient Hebrew is fascinating. | ||
| I would love to increase my information. | ||
| Because even as you do that, I go, I kind of know a little bit about Martin Luther King. | ||
| Martin Luther? | ||
| I know a little bit about Martin Luther, but not enough. | ||
| I know a little bit... | ||
| I don't remember things the way you can remember things. | ||
| You can talk about a subject... | ||
| And it feels like you did high school homework on it. | ||
| And then you come in and like, yeah. | ||
| Well, I've had a bizarre education doing this podcast. | ||
| It's been very bizarre. | ||
| I mean, that's what it's been, essentially. | ||
| I mean, it's been a lot of talking shit, a lot of getting fun, you know, having fun and being silly with friends. | ||
| But it's also been... | ||
| Incredible conversations like hours long with some of the most fascinating people and then also to research them I read their books So it's like actually read it no mostly most of its audio I listen to them driving and in the sauna and you listen because like if I listen to an audiobook my my Imagination goes off and I start thinking different thoughts. | ||
| Oh, yeah, like it'll spark something like the what's the one about the the What's the book about the people from Portugal coming down the coast of Africa? | ||
| It's like the conquistadors or the conquerors. | ||
| It's a book and the second I hear, and then they had the Muslim chief come out and they put shit in his mouth with pork. | ||
| My brain goes to a different place. | ||
| My imagination takes over. | ||
| I think I have too active of an imagination that I have it based in reality. | ||
| Or you're scatterbrained. | ||
| I'm that. | ||
| Could be that. | ||
| Probably that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm really good at concentrating on things that I'm interested in. | ||
| For real? | ||
| But they have to be interesting to me. | ||
| If they're not interesting, it's just fucking in one ear, out the other. | ||
| It's very selective. | ||
| Top five things you're interested in right now? | ||
| Oh, well, I'm always interested in multiple things simultaneously. | ||
| The problem with me is time management. | ||
| It's always time management. | ||
| Like, when someone says, oh, I'm bored, I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck you're saying. | ||
| I haven't been bored in fucking six years. | ||
| Yeah, I wish I had nine lives to live simultaneously. | ||
| I would do nine different things. | ||
| I would have nine different jobs. | ||
| I would love a twin brother. | ||
| Yeah, just make them do your shit. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I just would like to team up with them at the end of the night and go, what did you do today? | ||
| Yeah, well, you probably would hate each other. | ||
| Dude, we'd do killer promos. | ||
| I know brothers that fucking hate each other. | ||
| Twins that hate each other. | ||
| I just dated a girl. | ||
| She was a twin. | ||
| She hated her sister. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real? | |
| I'm like, that's nuts. | ||
| Yeah, they don't talk. | ||
| To this day, I don't think they talk. | ||
| I follow... | ||
| I apologize. | ||
| Two gay twins in Australia on Instagram that are fucking hilarious. | ||
| His brother Sassy Scott, and the one brother just fucks with the other brother, and it is fucking... | ||
| Dude, gay dudes, I wonder if I got pitched gay wrong. | ||
| You got pitched it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who pitched gay to you? | ||
| When I was a kid. | ||
| They pitched it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, hey, here's an idea. | ||
| No, no, it's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They come into your office. | |
| Here's a presentation. | ||
| We got a reel we're going to show you. | ||
| This is all about being gay. | ||
| And it's just like a bunch of rainbows and guys like dancing together. | ||
| Do you remember the first time you heard about gay? | ||
| I lived in San Francisco when I was seven. | ||
| So I was around gay people at a very early age. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And did your mom pull your sign and explain it? | ||
| Not that I remember. | ||
| Someone must have explained it. | ||
| But it was so normal to me because we moved from New Jersey to San Francisco when I was seven years old. | ||
| And it was the height of the Vietnam War, the hippie movement. | ||
| And we were in the gay neighborhood. | ||
| It was gay. | ||
| Everyone was gay. | ||
| So you'd see dudes holding hands? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I was walking down the street with my stepfather and some guy catcalled him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I was like, wow, this is crazy. | ||
| Okay, so then let's pick apart gay. | ||
| So then high school is when I think the majority of homophobia, or at least for me, that's when I first ever heard homophobia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like the F word or whatever. | ||
| I don't want to say it. | ||
| I'm trying not to say the bad words. | ||
| But the first time I ever heard about gay was I was in a shower with my cousins, and my cousin Jenny said, oh, these two guys, they're our uncles? | ||
| They're gay. | ||
| I said, what's that? | ||
| She goes, it's when two guys rub their dicks together. | ||
| And I was like, oh. | ||
| I was like, okay, weird. | ||
| The next time, one of my uncles had AIDS, and another uncle said, you're not gay, are you? | ||
| And I was like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't think I am. | ||
| How old were you at the time? | ||
| I must have been... | ||
| 10? | ||
| Yeah, you're really getting pitched gay bad. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Rubbing dicks together or getting AIDS. You're like, and I'm 10. You're like, what? | ||
| Am I gay? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| It was overwhelming. | ||
| And I know I'm straight because I saw Wonder Woman and I liked it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| But a lot of gay guys saw Wonder Woman and they wanted to be her. | ||
| What about them? | ||
| They liked it too. | ||
| I didn't mind being her also. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| Back to latex. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And quicksand porn and all that shit. | ||
| Quicksand porn? | ||
| Girls get stuck in quicksand, you fuck them while they're stuck? | ||
| No, you don't fuck them, Joe. | ||
| You just watch them go under and stop talking. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| You have to have seen quicksand porn. | ||
| No! | ||
| Come on. | ||
| No, I thought you were talking about like stuck in the dryer porn. | ||
| So, no. | ||
| Because there's a lot of that. | ||
| Stuck in the dryer. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Where girls pretend. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| They bend over like, I can't get out of the dryer. | ||
| Will you help me? | ||
| And the guy's grabbing the girl's hips and trying to pull her. | ||
| I don't know why I can't get you out here. | ||
| She's like, oh my God, are you hard? | ||
| I'll make my wife look for my reading glasses under our bed and she doesn't know why she's looking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's hilarious. | |
| I'm like, no, no, see if they're deeper under there. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| I'm like, De Niro and Goodfellas. | ||
| No, no, it's just around the corner. | ||
| They're the most unrealistic plots ever. | ||
| A fucking dryer is so big. | ||
| How are you stuck? | ||
| It's still so hot! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's still so hot! | |
| Your whole body goes into that dryer. | ||
| How are you possibly stuck? | ||
| Oh, this is quicksand porn? | ||
| Stop, stop, stop, stop. | ||
| Hang on. | ||
| This is the... | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| This is the fucking... | ||
| White whale of quicksand porn, okay? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, hold on. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I didn't know this was a thing until right now. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| So, your sexuality, whatever you like sexually was imprinted on you in an age you don't remember and you don't know why. | ||
| This is a theory I have. | ||
| You have this own theory? | ||
| This is my theory. | ||
| You've developed this theory? | ||
| Because... | ||
| Quicksand porn, I heard about it, and what had happened is, we didn't get to see a lot of porn when we were kids, because porn wasn't out, but the only thing we got to see was a device plot, it was called Quicksand, because Cleopatra of the Nile had Quicksand in it, so then all TV shows started throwing Quicksand in it. | ||
| What was Cleopatra of the Nile? | ||
| Is that a movie? | ||
| Is that like Elizabeth Taylor? | ||
| It's like a big hit movie and they had quicksand as a plot device. | ||
| Quicksand was a thing in movies for a while. | ||
| You know who did a whole special about it? | ||
| Was NPR. No, not NPR. Radiolab. | ||
| Radiolab. | ||
| That's how I first learned about this. | ||
| They're called sinkers. | ||
| People that are into quicksand are called sinkers. | ||
| And you got imprinted sexually at a certain age. | ||
| So say you're into Wonder Woman, like myself. | ||
| I'm really into Wonder Woman. | ||
| Well, then I also don't mind a little bit of tying up, because Wonder Woman got tied up. | ||
| I don't mind a little bit of costume. | ||
| You like a lasso of truth. | ||
| I love a lasso of truth. | ||
| In your underwear, being told what to do. | ||
| So, quick snout. | ||
| Now, what we're getting to is the penultimate. | ||
| This is... | ||
| I can't believe you used that word. | ||
| I'm not sure I used it right. | ||
| I've never used that word. | ||
| I've read it. | ||
| I don't know what it means. | ||
| Penultimate? | ||
| I think it's like the fucking super ultimate, right? | ||
| It sounds like it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, Adventures of O-Girl Struggle Sand with Christina Carter. | ||
| Wow, she's hot. | ||
| She is hot, and she's got a costume on, which imprints me from when I saw Wonder Woman. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| So this lady's whole deal is she makes videos where she gets stuck in sand? | ||
| Oh, give me some volume. | ||
| This is fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh... | |
| Hold on. | ||
| No, there was some dialogue. | ||
| Here, something happened between her and the other girl. | ||
| Before she walked in, Jamie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, Felina. | |
| The gig is up. | ||
| The gig is up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, hello, oh girl. | |
| Nice of you to drop by. | ||
| Sure it is. | ||
| What do you think of my new kitty box? | ||
| Very nice place, Felina. | ||
| I'm taking you in. | ||
| Oh, she's taking her in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a superhero Struggle sand Struggle sand. | |
| Now mind you, Joe, look at the artwork in the back. | ||
| Does that remind you a little bit of the Brady Bunch? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| So this is all trying to imprint on the shit that nostalgically reminds you of sex. | ||
| This is my theory. | ||
| The Brady Bunch reminds you of sex? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Look at this like she's in the sand. | ||
| Yeah, the best part's coming up. | ||
| When she pulls her tits out? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| When her tits hit the sand. | ||
| Right here, when her tits hit the door. | ||
| That's what's good? | ||
| That's the best part of quicksand. | ||
| You see a little areola on that right nipple, am I right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| You see the shadow. | ||
| How do they get away with that on YouTube? | ||
| She got some giant ass areolas. | ||
| This is not on YouTube. | ||
| This is definitely not on YouTube. | ||
| And now she's going under. | ||
| So they wouldn't have this on YouTube? | ||
| No, I'm not on YouTube is what I'm saying. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But why couldn't you have this on YouTube? | ||
| This is the best part. | ||
| Oh, that areola is full bloom. | ||
| You're talking over the best part. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Am I? The screaming? | ||
| No, the fucking... | ||
| The boobs in the sand are the thing. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Look, and they know how to milk the thing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And so all this is like... | ||
| They stop milking it. | ||
| The shit you didn't pick that hits you. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, for whatever reason, you're... | ||
| Does she die? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| No, she'll stop talking. | ||
| How does she get out of this? | ||
| We don't watch the whole thing. | ||
| The suspense is killing me. | ||
| It's going to get up to her eyeballs. | ||
| Only time will tell. | ||
| That's it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| She's good. | ||
| Tune in next time. | ||
| No, this is like a woman-hating thing. | ||
| It's like men who hate women, they want them to drown. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There's a bunch of them? | ||
| Well, the ones outdoors are pretty fucking hot. | ||
| So does she just keep sinking underwater? | ||
| They're not all necessarily... | ||
| Like, there's a hundred of them. | ||
| Look at all these fucking... | ||
| Go to Dana Knight. | ||
| But look at all these fucking screenshots. | ||
| It's all her sinking in sand. | ||
| That's her whole game. | ||
| Oh, there's the titties. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There. | |
| Oh, go to that one. | ||
| Quicksand date. | ||
| Yeah, look at that one. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| So that one, now she's got full bloom. | ||
| She's going to have to hide that from the general public. | ||
| I'm not doing any of this. | ||
| They have to look it up themselves. | ||
| We've explained it well enough. | ||
| Yeah, I believe so. | ||
| So she's on a date. | ||
| See, this one you just cut to, oh my god, where'd my clothes go? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is this the same lady? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| By the way, these are actually dangerous as fucking shit. | ||
| What is? | ||
| These quicksand ones. | ||
| That's not quicksand, buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not quicksand. | |
| That's just a hole she dug. | ||
| Just a hole. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| She's just getting her tits dirty. | ||
| That's not quicksand. | ||
| But it's interesting that you don't have a choice on this stuff. | ||
| The dominator told me this. | ||
| You don't have a choice on the stuff that you're into. | ||
| It's stuff that, in a weird way, you showed up, you walked into, and then that was playing on the TV, maybe? | ||
| You know, have you ever heard of like... | ||
| I met a gay dude one time who said that he knew he was gay, but he didn't know why he was gay. | ||
| None of this shit showed up on the radar as a kid. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he didn't have a lisp. | ||
| He didn't... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he didn't want to wear women's clothes. | ||
| None of this shit showed up, and I was like, that's fucking crazy. | ||
| Because I remember seeing Wonder Woman being turned on as a kid. | ||
| I remember looking at Vogue magazine and going, and this sounds insane, but being depressed, because I thought I may never get that girl. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Huh. | ||
| You were depressed because you thought you may never get that girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'd see a beautiful woman in Vogue and I'd go, I may never get her. | ||
| That fucking bums me out. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| That very specific girl? | ||
| I don't even remember. | ||
| She was on a boat. | ||
| So just because of magazines. | ||
| Like seeing people that were represented in magazines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because nowadays kids are on the spectrum of sexuality and I'm not... | ||
| Certain is the same as when we were because like when we were it was almost like we were influenced by the zeitgeist for sure Yeah, we were born and I remember them talking about this. | ||
| We were born straight or born gay wasn't a choice I would argue now. | ||
| It's probably on the spectrum of choice for kids I think some people choose it. | ||
| I think some people are curious. | ||
| But I think a lot of people are just born gay. | ||
| But hang on. | ||
| Because I would argue if you're curious, you're gay. | ||
| That's how I grew up. | ||
| Have you ever been curious? | ||
| No. | ||
| But I think people are more open-minded to it now. | ||
| Especially girls. | ||
| It seems like girls are trying more lesbianism. | ||
| It's like when things are accepted by society, and not just accepted but actually celebrated, Sometimes people, and there's no negative consequences. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a whole joke about it, about girls doing gay stuff. | |
| No one cares. | ||
| But the difference is that like, you know, like LBGT rights are like, which is so weird that they're all connected together, right? | ||
| But that people are trying to be more open-minded about stuff. | ||
| So they're more accepting of what you used to call alternative lifestyles. | ||
| You know, when I lived in San Francisco, I went from San Francisco to Florida. | ||
| You lived in Florida? | ||
| Lived in Gainesville. | ||
| Wait, for real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When? | ||
| When I was 11 until I was 13. And then we moved to Boston. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I lived in Gainesville. | ||
| You lived in Gainesville? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What got your mom to Gainesville? | ||
| My stepdad was going to college there. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was finishing up his degree there. | ||
| That's right around the time they were making Gatorade. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Well, there was alligators there. | ||
| I saw alligators all the fucking time. | ||
| Lake Alice. | ||
| You know where Lake Alice is, right? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Dude, I have a bit I've been trying to work out about... | ||
| I tried to do it last night, a little bit on stage, about growing up in Florida, there's so many predators that you grow up a little bit afraid. | ||
| Yeah, I saw you talking about that, about the giraffes. | ||
| That was very funny. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There's something more to that. | ||
| There's something more to it. | ||
| So, like... | ||
| When we were in Hawaii, I was in Hawaii with my girls, and we were with this Hawaiian guy, and he was very casual and very loose, and I said, the guy seems like he has no anxiety, and Isla, my youngest, goes, yeah, they have no snakes here, Dad. | ||
| Imagine if you grew up without snakes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And then I was like... | ||
| Well, Florida now. | ||
| Dude, Florida is... | ||
| Infested. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| Pythons, rattlesnakes, moccasins, alligators, lightning. | ||
| I mean, the shit I grew up with. | ||
| Iguanas. | ||
| Sexual predators when I was a kid is when Adam Walsh got kidnapped. | ||
| So I grew up with terror. | ||
| I never once went water skiing and fell in the water and was like, oh, that was fun. | ||
| You kept your feet up and you're like, I'm good. | ||
| Come get me. | ||
| Get me the fuck out of the water. | ||
| Because there's fucking dinosaurs that will eat you. | ||
| I would never go water skiing in Florida. | ||
| You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| We did it every fucking day. | ||
| Dude, fuck that. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| When I lived in Florida, I remember clearly some lady was walking her dog and the dog got jacked. | ||
| By an alligator. | ||
| When I was a little kid. | ||
| And they were still protected back then. | ||
| My point was, when I went from San Francisco, where I lived in San Francisco, my next door neighbor was this gay couple, and my aunt, who was staying with us at the time, used to go next door and smoke pot And play bongos with the gay guys. | ||
| They would all get naked and they would be playing bongos together and she loved the fact that she'd get naked with these gay guys and they didn't care about her because they were gay. | ||
| And so it was like completely normal to me to be around gay people. | ||
| Then I went to Gainesville and I was friends with this Cuban kid and his dad. | ||
| His dad was so mad because they were trying to give people gay marriage. | ||
| And I remember he threw the newspaper down on the kitchen table. | ||
| He's like, I can't fucking believe this. | ||
| They want to get fucking married. | ||
| And I was like, what do you care? | ||
| It was so weird to me that I was 11 years old. | ||
| And then I realized in that moment, I go, oh, there's some thing. | ||
| And I realize it's at 11. There's some things that distract people. | ||
| And that you think are important, but they're not. | ||
| They're just like cultural beach balls that get tossed around at a concert, where people just throw a thing around. | ||
| It fucking means nothing to you. | ||
| The only people that it should matter to are the gay people that want to get married. | ||
| But to this guy, who's a married guy with a kid who is my friend, his kid was my buddy, and I'm over his house, To him, gay people getting married was like, what the fuck? | ||
| He was so mad. | ||
| Threw the newspaper down. | ||
| The fuck is this? | ||
| And I was like, wow. | ||
| You got distracted. | ||
| Like, you're getting distracted by something that doesn't mean anything. | ||
| Like, why would you care at all? | ||
| Oh, it's how they do... | ||
| It's everything. | ||
| No, it's how they do prank shows. | ||
| Someone explain this to me. | ||
| The way to prank someone is to make them think they're watching the prank. | ||
| When you distract the person being pranked and go, you're watching the prank, then that's how you prank them. | ||
| It's what you're saying. | ||
| The same way you get pickpocketed is they hit you with one thing while they do the other thing. | ||
| So what that is is this guy's getting pickpocketed. | ||
| He's getting distracted by the bump, gay marriage, when the government's coming at him from the other way going, now that we got you there, let's talk about the thing we really brought you to talk about. | ||
| That's the thing we want to change your mind on. | ||
| I don't even know if it's that calculated that the government does it in a calculated manner. | ||
| I think it's a human nature thing. | ||
| I think human beings naturally distract themselves with nonsense. | ||
| That it's a common characteristic. | ||
| And that leads to distraction. | ||
| It leads to procrastination. | ||
| It leads to being unfulfilled in your life. | ||
| You get trapped and super hyper-focused on things to the point where you're not even thinking about the important things in your life. | ||
| Yeah, but I do that in a negative way. | ||
| That's why I don't fuck with comments. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| Yeah, but comments would fuck me up, and then I had to get off it entirely. | ||
| I had to hire someone, because I go... | ||
| I remember... | ||
| I think I told you this. | ||
| I apologize if I'm telling you it again. | ||
| I went back into the comments one time. | ||
| One fucking time this last year. | ||
| One time I read a comment. | ||
| And it was fucking... | ||
| Louis J. Gomez posted a video about Brendan Schaub. | ||
| And I didn't like... | ||
| It always bothered me because I like Brendan. | ||
| He's a fucking sweet guy. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| But, you know, Curious Burt's like, I wonder what the comments say. | ||
| So I go into the comments. | ||
| Like, going, like, I should be safe here, right? | ||
| The first comment is, you know Burt Kreischer's reading these comments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| And I'm like, motherfucker, I'm not even safe in these comments. | ||
| Like, so I don't fuck with comments because it would ruin a day, a great day that I had at home. | ||
| It would ruin a day if someone, one guy, who threw a Molotov cocktail into my business. | ||
| He was already on to the next business. | ||
| He's a fucking marcher. | ||
| He's throwing Molotovs in everyone's fucking comments. | ||
| But it would fuck my day up and I was like, I can't give that guy that power. | ||
| No, you shouldn't. | ||
| And also, you should recognize that what it is is Look, there's good and bad, and you can't get around the bad to get the good. | ||
| It's not like you could eliminate all the negative comments in order to get what's interesting about the internet. | ||
| What's interesting about the internet is freedom. | ||
| You would have done the same thing if you were 17 years old and you had a Twitter account. | ||
| I would have done the same thing. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| I did it to fucking Bourdain one time. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| My fucking dumb cunt self saw him on a picture of a private jet. | ||
| He took a picture on a private jet, and I was like, I fucking said something shitty. | ||
| And by the way, I used it in my own account and I just said something shitty. | ||
| And then someone hit me up and they were like, hey man, if you were on a private jet, wouldn't you take a picture? | ||
| And then they sent me a picture of me on a private jet taking a picture of myself. | ||
| And I was like, oh fuck, I did the exact same thing I'm being shitty about. | ||
| And Bourdain was one of my heroes. | ||
| But I guess I looked at it. | ||
| He was a hero of mine because I was a travel channel at the time. | ||
| It's a Twitter thing, too. | ||
| It's the virtue signal aspect of Twitter that some people find just irresistible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a gross thing. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| I block people sometimes. | ||
| Like I told you, I got back on Twitter because of your fucking goddamn tweet, your goddamn fucking thing. | ||
| Hit me up at, what was my name? | ||
| Oops, I did it Asian. | ||
| That's my Twitter handle. | ||
| Oops, I did it what? | ||
| Asian. | ||
| Asian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was trying to say, oops, I did it again, and I misspelled it, and it came out Asian, and it was available, so I took it. | ||
| So, hit me up. | ||
| So, I don't remember what I was saying. | ||
| I don't remember what you're saying for sure. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Have I ever said anything important? | ||
| Chinese robot dick-sucking machines that aren't really... | ||
| Oh, I got onto Chris Rocks. | ||
| Because the one thing I missed about Twitter was the news. | ||
| The news feed's pretty good on Twitter. | ||
| Yeah, the news feed's great. | ||
| So the only person I follow is Elon Musk. | ||
| And so I fucking look and it's Chris Rocks trending. | ||
| And obviously, if not the reason I got into stand-up, one of the two reasons. | ||
| And I saw people commenting negative about his special, and I just went on this Oops I Did It Asian podcast, and I blocked them. | ||
| Because they don't know it's me. | ||
| I go, fuck you. | ||
| I don't ever want to hear what you say ever again. | ||
| You don't like the thing I don't like? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| And I blocked all these people that said negative shit about Chris Rock. | ||
| It felt so good. | ||
| I don't mind people saying negative shit about things I like. | ||
| I like to know how people think. | ||
| If people are thinking different, it's interesting. | ||
| I don't agree with them. | ||
| You know, I've heard people say, I heard people talking shit about Chris's special. | ||
| And they were talking shit about how he was calling out Jada and Will and all that. | ||
| Like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| If anybody should be doing that, it's him. | ||
| You want to talk about that's humiliating? | ||
| What do you think it's like getting slapped in front of the whole world on the Oscars? | ||
| But if anything that's great for us as stand-ups, that reignited Chris Rock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Reignited the old Chris Rock that doesn't give a fuck, that's not trying to be a movie star. | ||
| I think when those people clapped for Will Smith, I think that was him realizing, what the fuck am I doing with these people? | ||
| And what I identify with about the Chris Rock slap was... | ||
| I don't think anyone realizes, and I apologize if this is not the life Chris had, but Chris was a smaller dude growing up in Brooklyn, when Brooklyn was Brooklyn. | ||
| You know there were guys that took liberties with him as a young guy. | ||
| How you become a comedian. | ||
| I've been slapped, I've told you about a few slaps, but I've been slapped a bunch. | ||
| And I didn't do anything. | ||
| And what you do is you end up being the guy laying in bed, and you can't go to sleep because you're destroying that person in your head. | ||
| And that's how you deform a comic's brain. | ||
| So when he did that, that was the actual watching of what turned Chris into a comic, re-turn him into a comic. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| I didn't even look at it that way. | ||
| That's all I saw was like, yeah man, that's all of us that were the bigger guy got to take advantage of the little guy, and then we became comics, and they go, don't worry, don't worry. | ||
| One day, one day, I'm going to destroy you when you can't handle it. | ||
| Dude, that definitely happened to me. | ||
| And that's why I root for that guy. | ||
| Yeah, I got picked on and I just learned how to fight. | ||
| You're a different dude. | ||
| I was like, okay, I've got to solve this problem. | ||
| You need to understand no one's like you. | ||
| And I know that you think everyone's like you. | ||
| No one's like you. | ||
| That's why I want to write a self-help book. | ||
| No one can be you. | ||
| No one can be you, right? | ||
| But everyone can be like me. | ||
| I don't know if everyone can be like you. | ||
| Everyone has an opportunity. | ||
| I don't think everyone can keep up with you partying. | ||
| You're not normal. | ||
| Whatever your appetite for alcohol and your ability to digest it, the fact that it was only fucked up by blood pressure medication, it's insanity. | ||
| People drinking half as much would be dead. | ||
| I think people misremember how much I drink. | ||
| Misremember? | ||
| I've been there, motherfucker. | ||
| When you hear this story, people are going to go, he drank this whole bottle. | ||
| I did not. | ||
| Not today, but I've been with you when you go down. | ||
| Oh, you don't think it makes me seethe inside to watch you guys do Protect My Parks and go, let me drink with those motherfuckers. | ||
| You want to see people throw up? | ||
| You want to see private videos of people throwing up on tables? | ||
| I'll show you private videos. | ||
| That's not necessarily what Protect Our Parks is about. | ||
| It's not about just getting fucked up. | ||
| It's about interesting conversations amongst friends. | ||
| You know, it's not all about the drugs. | ||
| It's the best part. | ||
| These two motherfuckers wearing sunglasses? | ||
| And drinking, I love. | ||
| You know, those are my four favorite people to drink with. | ||
| You, Shane, Ari, and Mark are my four favorite people to drink with. | ||
| If Ari had never drugged me, we would have the best fucking life. | ||
| Well, you gotta let that go. | ||
| I can't let it go. | ||
| Leanne can't let it go. | ||
| I let it go, but I can't have him on fucking Fully Loaded. | ||
| You know how much I'd love... | ||
| How great would Ari Shafir be on? | ||
| Your wife won't let you have him on Fully Loaded? | ||
| No. | ||
| My daughter's... | ||
| Ari, it's time to send flowers. | ||
| I wish Ari had any... | ||
| I love you, Ari. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I wish he had any accountability in his life. | ||
| Even... | ||
| Maybe he will now that he's more successful. | ||
| Life has shined upon him. | ||
| I would love. | ||
| I'm in New York this week. | ||
| Flowers and chocolates. | ||
| Ari Shafir. | ||
| I'm in New York. | ||
| I'm in New York this week promoting my special, Razzle Dazzle, streaming right now on Netflix. | ||
| Ari, do me a favor. | ||
| I'll hit up Ari privately. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| Look at that watch. | ||
| Take what? | ||
| Look at that shoulder, Joe. | ||
| That's a fucking legit breast and shoulder. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I see the good parts of my body. | ||
| What are you saying about Ari? | ||
| What do you want him to do? | ||
| I want him to make fucking good with my wife. | ||
| How's that going to be possible? | ||
| Because he... | ||
| What would he have to do? | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| It's impossible because Ari, I love him. | ||
| Maybe you'd have to do Molly with your wife. | ||
| No. | ||
| He doesn't have the ability... | ||
| That would be the way that would let it go. | ||
| He doesn't have the ability to see past his fuck up. | ||
| Because he's never been married, so he never had to compromise with people. | ||
| So for Ari, when you're a bachelor... | ||
| My dad told me this. | ||
| When you're a bachelor for long enough... | ||
| You end up becoming set in your ways where the only person you have to make happy is yourself. | ||
| And so you make sure that that guy's taken care of first. | ||
| When you get married, and I'm sure you're going to understand this, you start realizing my wants and needs are part of a team's wants and needs. | ||
| And so I need to make sure everyone's happy. | ||
| So you learn compromise at an age usually where then you learn to compromise with everybody. | ||
| You text me and go, hey, can we do 130? | ||
| Maybe a broken guy goes... | ||
| Fine! | ||
| And gets upset. | ||
| I go, yeah, of course, buddy. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I know your life. | ||
| I know you probably woke up late because we were out late. | ||
| You gotta walk the dog. | ||
| You gotta play with the dog. | ||
| You gotta work out. | ||
| And I understand that. | ||
| I had already apologized to Leigh-Anne one time. | ||
| He wrote something shitty about Georgia on Instagram, and it was mean, and it fucked up our vacation, and Leanne hated him. | ||
| And I said, trust me, he knows he's wrong. | ||
| And I said, at Tom's house, me and Tom set it up. | ||
| And we let Leanne and Ari go into the kitchen, and we all went outside. | ||
| And I told Ari, all you gotta do is apologize. | ||
| Just apologize. | ||
| Just apologize. | ||
| No questions. | ||
| Just apologize. | ||
| Here's Ari. | ||
| She'll understand it. | ||
| Please, Ari. | ||
| Everyone loves you. | ||
| Everyone loves you. | ||
| Leanne came out of that kitchen and goes, Ari is broken as fuck. | ||
| And Ari walked out behind her and goes, how can I apologize? | ||
| It was a joke. | ||
| It was a joke. | ||
| And I was like, goddammit, Ari, you could have. | ||
| And then Leanne forgave him. | ||
| Forgave him because she's married. | ||
| She knows what it's like. | ||
| I want this. | ||
| I wish this was past us. | ||
| I don't think it will. | ||
| You know, the drugging thing. | ||
| Because I would love to have him all fully loaded. | ||
| He would be the perfect. | ||
| He's probably better. | ||
| He's not. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| If he's not willing to apologize for a joke about your daughter, how's he going to apologize for the drugging you? | ||
| He just won't. | ||
| Maybe that's why you like him. | ||
| Keep him away from your family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like Slash used to connect poison to snakes. | |
| I'm not taking Ari on vacation. | ||
| Like, hey, Ari, why don't you come with me and my family on vacation? | ||
| You know what disaster that would be? | ||
| Ari's doing acid by the pool. | ||
| He's like, what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, I don't know. | |
| I don't know where I am. | ||
| I'm like, Dad, what's wrong with your friend? | ||
| Oh, my friend's on acid. | ||
| Why is he making out with his dog? | ||
| He tongue kisses with his dog. | ||
| He does tongue kiss with his dog! | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with that? | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| The best is when people don't know him that work with me, and then they'll hear me talk on the phone with Ari. | ||
| Or like Pete, my assistant Pete you met last night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One night we all hung out, Ari was with us, and then Ari leaves and he goes, I get why you like that guy. | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| There's like, it's a poisonous snake. | ||
| It's a beautiful animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's a poisonous snake. | ||
| Ari's awesome. | ||
| I've been friends with Ari since he was a door guy. | ||
| I was friends with him when he was like first starting out at the Comedy Store. | ||
| He's a young guy in his 20s. | ||
| Just got here from... | ||
| I guess he got here from Maryland. | ||
| I think he's Jerusalem. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| Are we doing tequila now? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Is that tequila? | ||
| Los Sundays? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get in there, sir. | ||
| I love Ari. | ||
| I miss Joey. | ||
| Yeah, I miss Joey too. | ||
| Gotta fly Joey out for this club. | ||
| Is he coming out? | ||
| Yeah, I gotta figure out when. | ||
| When to have him come out. | ||
| See what he's doing. | ||
| You know, I know he's been doing some stand-up in New Jersey. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's the same thing that I was saying about Theo. | ||
| You gotta have your tribe. | ||
| When you're alone by yourself in some city, even if you're doing stand-up, it's like you're missing the hang. | ||
| That's a big part of what we do is the hang. | ||
| That's why last night was so fun. | ||
| That's why all those people that weren't even on the show came by to hang out. | ||
| Ron came by, Tim Dillon came by, Adrian came by. | ||
| I'll tell you the other part. | ||
| You don't get this often. | ||
| I got it last night. | ||
| Is when you're the fifth most famous person in a room, you're not the most famous person in a room. | ||
| So what sucks, I don't mean it sucks, but what sucks currently for me is that I don't get to sit and listen and drink it in. | ||
| It's like I'm sitting with you, Jim, Ron, Tony Hinchko's in there, Mark Smalls is in there, we're all in there, but mostly, and Mark Smalls texted me this morning, he's like, it was fun watching you listen. | ||
| Hold that thought, I gotta piss again. | ||
| God damn it, Joe. | ||
| Fun watching listen. | ||
| I'm super hydrated right now. | ||
| I've never felt better. | ||
| Is my cum affected by testosterone? | ||
| We'll find out. | ||
| I didn't cum a lot today. | ||
| I'll let you know. | ||
| What were we talking about? | ||
| We were talking about... | ||
| You were talking about being... | ||
| That you were listening. | ||
| Because it was such a hang. | ||
| Because there's so many people. | ||
| I get stuck in rooms... | ||
| I get stuck in rooms where I'm the person that... | ||
| That sold the arena, right? | ||
| Or like sold the movie or did the thing. | ||
| And so I find myself, and I find it gross, I find myself talking. | ||
| Or in LA, I'll talk to a lot of comics and then they'll go, like comics I respect, they'll go like, so tell me what I can do to grow my podcast or tell me what to do with the podcast or this thing. | ||
| I don't mean this arrogant, I just mean it as like a self-awareness. | ||
| Is last night, Mark Smalls texted me this morning and said it's fun being there and fun listening. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, man, I don't listen anymore because I got to a place where I got to a place where maybe I'm putting myself in the room. | ||
| I put myself in rooms where I talk a lot. | ||
| And I'm a natural talker. | ||
| I talk a lot. | ||
| But it was fun last night, like, listening to you. | ||
| You talked a lot last night. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you're saying. | ||
| I didn't talk at all. | ||
| You were there. | ||
| Jamie, did I talk a lot? | ||
| Jamie, he was talking a lot. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| No, it's fun. | ||
| Look, the hang is the best part, man. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| It's the hang. | ||
| You get to listen to Ron White tell stories and listen to Jim Norton. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| I got to meet Adrienne last night. | ||
| That was the first time meeting her. | ||
| She's fucking funny. | ||
| Adrienne Appalucci? | ||
| She's fucking funny. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| She's very funny. | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
| Yeah, very funny and cool to hang with. | ||
| She did some woke show, she said. | ||
| They weren't really into it. | ||
| Are there woke shows? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's South by Southwest. | ||
| You're connected to a lot of tech people and very strange entertainment people. | ||
| It's like you're dealing with the people that clapped when Will Smith won the Oscar. | ||
| Those people, these untethered humans, non-artists. | ||
| These untethered non-artists. | ||
| I had a dude come on my podcast, and I said something horrible, and he laughed. | ||
| It was bad, and he laughed, and we all laughed. | ||
| And he was like, hey, can you take out me laughing? | ||
| I was like, that's not how that works. | ||
| I took it out. | ||
| I took it out because I don't want, you know, I want everyone to feel comfortable. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| But that's fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's when you start... | ||
| People get scared. | ||
| It was the beauty of watching, I know I've told you this, but watching George and my girls, George and I, when we were on Fully Loaded last year, they only know Joey as Uncle Joey. | ||
| Like a legit Uncle Joey. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Uncle Joey came every Easter, every Christmas, every time we had a barbecue, any party. | ||
| He came home with his wife and his daughter. | ||
| They only know him as Uncle Joe, like a legit Uncle Joey. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then Joey Diaz goes on stage and does Joey. | ||
| Like, aggressive. | ||
| I mean, I'm talking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Georgia would, I'd watch her put her hand to her mouth and go, I didn't mean to laugh at that. | ||
| I go, baby, that's your uncle up there. | ||
| That's fucking, that's who he is, that's who you love. | ||
| But more importantly, I go, laughter, you can't stop it. | ||
| It makes you laugh. | ||
| That's the surprise of laughter is the beauty of laughter. | ||
| Yeah, you can't be upset about laughing, especially when your dad's a fucking comedian. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Well, I think these kids these days, they get into this mindset of like, be on the right side of history. | ||
| Yeah, that's turning the other way, man. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| That's turning the other way. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| This is really nice. | ||
| Kids are getting very upset with the woke shit and now it's going the other way. | ||
| And the cool kids are like They're not buying it anymore. | ||
| It's like it's interesting. | ||
| It's interesting to watch like teenagers now. | ||
| My daughter has teenage friends and the way they talk. | ||
| And I don't think it's just her friends. | ||
| I think there's a trend. | ||
| I think it's like a cultural thing. | ||
| Like things shift one way where everybody tries to get really woke and then people go, hey, that's fucking annoying. | ||
| And then they go back to just being silly and having fun and just getting to realize that it's okay to joke around about things. | ||
| It's okay to have fun. | ||
| And they're like, not everything is about social justice and the climate. | ||
| Oh, we gotta preserve the climate. | ||
| You know, we'd have to talk about it constantly on phones made by slaves. | ||
| Like, just the nonsense and the hypocrisy where the banks burn. | ||
| Like, all of it is ridiculous. | ||
| Like, there's so... | ||
| It's again, it's the gay marriage thing. | ||
| There's so many fucking distractions that people have. | ||
| There's cultural distractions, there's social distractions. | ||
| There's financial distractions. | ||
| There's like so much while you're just living for a very short amount of time. | ||
| Very short. | ||
| Look at Carly Simon, old as fuck now. | ||
| Look how hot she was when she was young. | ||
| And that doesn't last. | ||
| It doesn't last. | ||
| You on the cover of that Netflix special, that's as good as it gets, buddy. | ||
| From here on out, it's all downhill. | ||
| I'm cool with that. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| That's why you're on peptides. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Let's get back to where we once belonged. | ||
| I want it to last forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I want to fake my death once. | ||
| Well, you think you don't die. | ||
| I had a conversation with Bert once. | ||
| I'll tell you folks about this. | ||
| Burt goes, I don't think you die! | ||
| I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| He goes, prove it. | ||
| Prove it. | ||
| How do you know you die? | ||
| I don't think I die. | ||
| I think I just keep going. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I go, well, Burt, what do you think when all these people are dying? | ||
| He goes, eh, not me. | ||
| It's never been me yet. | ||
| I've been at funerals going that way. | ||
| That's not me up there. | ||
| That's true, but that's a very limited way. | ||
| That's how a German Shepherd would look at death. | ||
| Marshall seems pretty fucking happy. | ||
| He's pretty happy. | ||
| Marshall seems pretty fucking happy. | ||
| Do you think Marshall thinks about death? | ||
| He definitely does not think about death, but delivering death to squirrels. | ||
| Yeah, I got that energy. | ||
| That sweet dog is the squirrel murderer. | ||
| That's what his favorite fucking pastime is. | ||
| I would love to introduce him to one of my two dogs and see if they go, hey, who's your dad? | ||
| Oh, my dad does comedy too! | ||
| I don't think they do that. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you're right. | ||
| They probably just check each other for dominance. | ||
| They sniff each other's dicks and then they spin around and growl at each other and try to figure out who's the boss. | ||
| So what's the alternative? | ||
| Louis said this to me. | ||
| He said it just goes black one day. | ||
| Well, he doesn't know that. | ||
| That can't be the alternative. | ||
| He doesn't know that. | ||
| Not only that, there's a lot of evidence that that's not the case. | ||
| Preach! | ||
| I want to hear this! | ||
| Well, first of all, there's bizarre chemical doorways in your brain. | ||
| Your brain produces psychedelic chemicals that we don't understand. | ||
| And there's a study right now, one of the things that Graham Hancock was talking to me about recently was that there's a study that's going on- Graham Hancock has a great thing on fucking Netflix. | ||
| Oh, it's amazing. | ||
| He's a guy that, I heard his name a bunch, Because of you, didn't know what the fuck he did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I knew he was a thing, but I didn't know he was a thing thing. | ||
| I keep fucking up the name, but it's Ancient Apocalypse, right? | ||
| Yeah, Ancient Apocalypse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking... | |
| It's very good. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| But this is the culmination of Graham's life work. | ||
| I mean, I found out about his original book, Fingerprints of the Gods, in the 90s. | ||
| And I remember reading it, and people were, like, ridiculing it. | ||
| Saying, oh, that's preposterous, that's pseudoscience. | ||
| Everything in that book has now been proven to be true. | ||
| All of it. | ||
| All of his hypothesis and now it's correlated with data that shows about these asteroid impacts and so Randall Carlson and him teaming together. | ||
| So Randall's an expert on these comet impacts and the impact that it had in the Younger Dryas impact theory and then Graham is an expert on these ancient civilizations and so the two of them together Have put together this very, very fascinating timeline of the rebirth of human civilization, which is around 11,800 years ago, that we got fucking rocked and it reset the Earth. | ||
| But he was talking about this and he was talking about, on the last podcast we did, he was talking about these studies that they're doing out of a university in England where they're doing a slow drip DMT experience with these people. | ||
| And because they're doing it for hours and hours, they do a slow drip where they keep them in this state, which is normally a very transient state. | ||
| Because you hit it with a fucking pipe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Normally. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, normally. | ||
| So there's no regulating how much you get. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So this, because it's an IV, because it's coming in a drip, it's like constant and continuous. | ||
| And these people are going to the same place and they're having repeatable experiences. | ||
| So instead of having like a 15-minute DMT trip, which a lot of people have that's like overwhelming, you can't even figure out what's going on, then it's over. | ||
| Instead of that, you're going to the exact same place over and over and over again and getting more and more comfortable with it and coming back with very similar stories. | ||
| So yeah, it's a repeatable environment where they're encountering entities and they're trying to map it. | ||
| So these people are doing these long-term studies with long-term experiments, meaning like not a 15-minute trip, but multiple hours at a time. | ||
| And they're coming back with like a map of the territory. | ||
| So, this is the concept. | ||
| The theory that many people have is that death opens up a chemical gateway in the mind, and that chemical gateway takes whatever the soul is, whatever consciousness is, and transports it into this new realm. | ||
| It allows you, your conscious mind, to access this new realm which is available to you upon death. | ||
| And so a lot of the ancient cultures that did ayahuasca and mushrooms, they would talk about this realm as being like a well of souls that you encounter disembodied Life forms, disembodied spirits. | ||
| And this has been a staple of so many religions. | ||
| There's so many religions that talk about the afterlife. | ||
| I mean, I get that you would want to come up with something like that just because you wanted to Have some sort of a reason to keep going with a rational mind when you're dealing with this existential angst of a temporary existence and one day you're just going to be worm food. | ||
| What's the point of it all? | ||
| Why don't I end it now? | ||
| Life is to live is to suffer. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's something waiting for you when it's over. | ||
| And this is like, that's the carrot at the end of the stick. | ||
| So a lot of people think, well, I'm too smart for that fucking carrot. | ||
| Like, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Life is suffering. | ||
| Life is pointless. | ||
| It goes black one day. | ||
| It's like what Bourdain did to himself. | ||
| There's like this romantic notion that some people have that to end this depressing thinking is like to just do it, just to end your own life is the best way to just get through this. | ||
| But... | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| You don't know that you just go black. | ||
| You have no idea. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| And to say that is so foolish. | ||
| Just to think of the fucking complexity of the universe itself. | ||
| Just the vast scope of it. | ||
| And now with this James Webb telescope, they're starting to look at galaxies that don't even make sense. | ||
| How is this galaxy so formed and it's so far away? | ||
| Is the universe older than we think it is? | ||
| There's all this new speculation now because of new data. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To think that you know what happens to you when you die is dumb. | |
| It's dumb. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| You cannot know. | ||
| I thought this was going to be a panic attack and now I'm feeling better about myself. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think it ends. | ||
| I don't think it ends either. | ||
| I just don't think it ever ends. | ||
| I think the real fear is not that it doesn't end. | ||
| The real fear is that it never ends. | ||
| Like, imagine if you have to live your life over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. | ||
| Could you do it? | ||
| Isn't that a freakout? | ||
| Isn't it interesting? | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Last night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Didn't we have a great time? | ||
| Had a blast. | ||
| Hadn't seen you in forever. | ||
| It was a really great time. | ||
| We hug. | ||
| Dude, what's up? | ||
| Have a couple of cocktails. | ||
| And for me, I'm a manager of a club now. | ||
| I'm like walking around. | ||
| I didn't even perform. | ||
| I just got to hang out. | ||
| Get to hang out in Mitzi's room and have a real talk. | ||
| Oh, we went to have a nice dinner. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Wouldn't you want to do that forever and ever and ever and ever? | ||
| But can you? | ||
| This is the thought. | ||
| For some people, that makes them freak out. | ||
| This idea that you would live your life, the life that you have right now, forever. | ||
| And you would just keep going back and doing it all again. | ||
| Until you get it right. | ||
| I would love it. | ||
| I had a dream one time that I went back in time to college. | ||
| I traveled in time, and I realized I was traveling in time, and I said to my roommate, Hutch, I said, I'm from the future. | ||
| I came back. | ||
| And he goes, oh shit. | ||
| So what are you going to change? | ||
| I said, well nothing. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| And he was like, oof. | ||
| So you have to do all the same stupid shit you did. | ||
| And you have to do all the same mistakes to get to where you are today. | ||
| And I was like, oh fuck. | ||
| I don't get to go back in time and fuck more chicks. | ||
| I gotta fuck the same chicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
laughter I was like, God damn it. | |
| And then I was panicking. | ||
| Imagine if you just have the exact same experiences over and over again, just you figure out how to make better decisions each time. | ||
| Maybe that's the wisdom of an old soul. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like Groundhog's Day. | ||
| Groundhog's Day, he ends unhappy. | ||
| But if you end up happy... | ||
| Yeah, he ended up happy. | ||
| But no, but he ends up happy in the movie because he was unhappy in real life. | ||
| I'm happy in real life, so in order to be happy in real life, I have to make the same mundane choices every single day. | ||
| But are they mundane? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, no. | ||
| It's not that they're mundane. | ||
| They're not mundane. | ||
| If you're trying to be better at anything, you're always trying to think, why did I do that? | ||
| Or why I should have done this? | ||
| Why did I tweet at Bourdain that way? | ||
| But I couldn't have started stand-up earlier, which I think, in hindsight, I would love to have started stand-up earlier. | ||
| But I would have had to wait and start at 26. Yeah, but why? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Then you have 26 years of life before you start, which is probably better. | ||
| Which was better. | ||
| I think my first few years of stand-up were nonsense. | ||
| I'm very lucky that I got into stand-up later in life. | ||
| I'm glad that I got success later in life. | ||
| I'm glad everything happened to me when it did. | ||
| But I do wonder, like those chances that you didn't take, that you go, I wonder what would have happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you want to get to where you are today, you've got to make the same choices. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, one of my regrets, and obviously not, because it's not a regret, so I'm happy where I am today, but I would have loved to have worked at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I remember telling you this one time. | ||
| As a doorman? | ||
| No, no, I would have loved to have, not as a doorman, I would have liked to have tried, put myself out there, and tried to get past at the Comedy Store earlier in life. | ||
| I remember saying this to you, and I don't know if you remember this, we were both drunk, we were out on the patio at the store, And you said, yeah, we wouldn't be friends. | ||
| I said, really? | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| I don't think we would have been friends. | ||
| And I thought to myself, we wouldn't have been. | ||
| Because I would have gotten involved with Coke. | ||
| I know I would have. | ||
| I would have gotten involved with Coke. | ||
| I would have never met Leanne. | ||
| I would have never had kids. | ||
| I would have never become who I was to be the guy. | ||
| Why did I say we would never be friends? | ||
| I think you probably memorized that wrong. | ||
| No, I'm not misremembering it. | ||
| I can tell you where you were sitting. | ||
| Maybe I was joking. | ||
| It doesn't seem like I would say it that way. | ||
| But I took it as you were accurate. | ||
| Had I started at the Comedy Store, I would have gotten involved in probably the wrong side of comedy. | ||
| I might have. | ||
| I know I would have gotten involved with Coke. | ||
| I loved Coke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what? | ||
| So did Joey. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't think I would have. | ||
| I don't know if I have that. | ||
| Joey's got the Oprah gene. | ||
| Where he can go through the shit and come out on the other side, lose his mom at 13, and come out winning. | ||
| Joey, he also had friends that loved him. | ||
| When Joey was in the cocaine days, that's when I started taking extra opening acts on the road with me, in case Joey didn't show up. | ||
| It was like how Ari got a job, because I used to have just one guy that had taken the road with me, and then Joey didn't show up sometimes, and so I said, okay, I gotta bring someone else. | ||
| So if Joey shows up, it's a three-man show. | ||
| If Joey doesn't show up, it's just me and Ari. | ||
| That's how Ari started going on the road with me. | ||
| We were on Fully Loaded, and everyone ate mushrooms one night. | ||
| It was a big arena show. | ||
| Everyone was fucking feeling it. | ||
| Joey murdered. | ||
| I apologize, Joey, if I'm misremembering this. | ||
| Joey was the first one to start handing out mushrooms to everyone. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds like Joey. | ||
| Why would you be misremembering that? | ||
| I'm just, you know, I'm careful with the stories I tell about people these days. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And so, four in the morning, we're all in our bunks, and someone opens my curtain, and they're like, hey, the mushrooms didn't kick in well with Joey. | ||
| It's time to pull the car over. | ||
| And I shut my curtain, I go, I am not the one dealing with Joey tonight. | ||
| So you guys were in the bus? | ||
| In the bus. | ||
| And Joey wanted to pull the bus over? | ||
| We did pull the bus over. | ||
| And we pulled the bus over. | ||
| He's laying out on the grass, staring at the sky. | ||
| Wrong day, cocksucker. | ||
| I'm not in this bus. | ||
| He goes up, my bus driver, Ron. | ||
| Wrong day, cocksucker. | ||
| I'm not on this bus. | ||
| I gotta get the fuck out of here, Burt Kreischer. | ||
| This isn't happening. | ||
| Give me a hotel room. | ||
| So we pulled the bus over. | ||
| We found him a hotel room. | ||
| Got him a hotel room. | ||
| Got him a ride to the venue the next day. | ||
| How far was the venue from where you're driving? | ||
| Joe, I could not tell you. | ||
| I could not tell you. | ||
| How many hours were you in a... | ||
| We usually drive six hours a night, four hours a night. | ||
| So he pulls over in the middle of the drive and says, no, I'm on Mushrooms, get me a hotel room. | ||
| Mushrooms in a bunk, and I think it was making a motion sick. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And he's on Mushrooms, and he's got a sleep apnea machine. | ||
| It's like, you ever see that Chris Pratt movie where he sits in the time capsule and they go to space and his opens early? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Joe, he's opened early. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think the bus would be fun in between hotels. | ||
| I do not think sleeping on the bus would be fun because sleep is very important. | ||
| I value sleep. | ||
| I value restorative sleep. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| It's not good for sleep. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| And if you're doing a lot of shows and you're partying and you're not getting sleep, that's a recipe for disaster. | ||
| You'd love it, Joe Rogan. | ||
| You'd love it. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| You and I are different things. | ||
| It's kind of the same. | ||
| Kind of in some way. | ||
| We have so many similarities. | ||
| A lot of similarities, but we're different things in terms of how we take care of our physical vehicle. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you're trying to do it now. | ||
| I am. | ||
| I've always done it. | ||
| Since I was 15. Do you take days off from working out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, I take a day off every now and then. | ||
| I take a day off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I just decide if I don't feel good, but I know if I'm being a pussy, you know? | ||
| And one of the ways I know is how tired I get in the sauna, which is interesting. | ||
| You know, when I get really tired in the sauna, I know something's going on. | ||
| I don't get tired in the sauna. | ||
| I get like, I can feel it. | ||
| I can feel it going like, I don't got much more in me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not tired, though. | ||
| It's struggle, whatever it is. | ||
| That's how I know. | ||
| It's one of the ways that I know that I'm feeling bad, other than working out. | ||
| When I'm working out, I can really tell. | ||
| In the middle of COVID, my whole family had COVID. My one daughter got it first, and then my wife got it, and then my second daughter got it. | ||
| And I never got it. | ||
| But I was working out, and they were saying, you're going to get it, you're going to get it. | ||
| I didn't have a mask on. | ||
| I was hugging them. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, daddy, stop hugging me. | ||
| I have COVID. I was laughing. | ||
| I'm like, I don't think I'm going to get it. | ||
| But I went to work out, and when I was working out, I was like, whoa, I feel my body fighting this. | ||
| It was interesting because I work out so much. | ||
| I have this circuit that I do with kettlebells, and I started the circuit, and I do a warm-up where I just warm up with 35-pound swings. | ||
| And I do 10 swings each arm. | ||
| Then I do 10 clean and presses. | ||
| So I'm doing the 10 swings and I'm like, what is going on? | ||
| I'm like, what's happening here? | ||
| I'm like, why do I feel like diminished? | ||
| And then I realized like, oh, this is my immune system trying to fight this off. | ||
| So this was probably like a Thursday or something like that. | ||
| And I had the whole weekend. | ||
| Where I didn't have any podcasts, so I was wondering, I was like, okay, when I get tested on Monday morning, I wonder if I'm going to be positive. | ||
| This is interesting. | ||
| Never got it. | ||
| But I knew it was coming because of the way I felt working out. | ||
| I was like, I knew it was on the back door, but then I got a bunch of vitamins. | ||
| I did the vitamin IV drip. | ||
| I did an NAD drip, and I never got COVID. But That same feeling, if I get that now, I know I never push through it. | ||
| Never push through it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I know when I'm being a bitch and I know when something's wrong. | ||
| And that was, when I was doing the swings, I was like, something's wrong. | ||
| Like you know your body like that. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, something's off here. | ||
| But it's because I take care of it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And so, like, when I get in the sauna, that's how I know if I'm run down. | ||
| If I get in the sauna and, like, I'm looking at my watch like 15 minutes in, I'm like, fuck, those last five are rough. | ||
| That's when I know, like, I'm worn out right now. | ||
| Maybe we'd go real light today if I work out. | ||
| Maybe take it easy. | ||
| I've had COVID, I think, six times. | ||
| I thought you said seven today. | ||
| I think seven. | ||
| I'm always... | ||
| Isla says seven. | ||
| I've had it every time you can get it. | ||
| And I can tell you when I get... | ||
| I mean, I should be a doctor now. | ||
| I can tell you when I get COVID. I can tell you what it feels like. | ||
| Well, don't you think some of that has to do with this schedule that you were just talking about? | ||
| Like being on the tour bus, not getting good sleep, drinking all the time, traveling from city to city like that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it, right? | |
| It's entirely based on... | ||
| So the last time I got COVID was when I taped my special. | ||
| And they were testing every day, and I could feel myself getting sick. | ||
| But I wasn't partying. | ||
| I didn't party. | ||
| After Sober October, I didn't party up until my special. | ||
| I gave myself my birthday weekend, right? | ||
| But I didn't party up until I shot my special. | ||
| So I wanted to... | ||
| I know I look fat in the special, but I look better than I look today, so I look good, and I look jacked. | ||
| I look fucking... | ||
| A lot of people say I look jacked. | ||
| And so... | ||
| They were testing up until the day of the special, and I remember saying to my assistant Pete, I was like, he thought he was getting sick. | ||
| I go, hey man, if you got COVID, don't tell anyone. | ||
| Fucking just don't test. | ||
| Fucking stay away. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I want to make sure we get this special in the can. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Especially now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I mean now COVID is like a cold. | |
| Anyway, so we shoot the special, get it, in a can. | ||
| The next day I get a private jet for everyone on my team to go home. | ||
| And I partied. | ||
| And I partied the night I shot my special, after I shot it, I partied. | ||
| And I partied the next day on the private jet. | ||
| And I came home and tested positive. | ||
| The second that I woke up the next morning and I tested positive, and I knew I had COVID. I could feel it. | ||
| It happens right here on the left side of my head. | ||
| Every time it's like a headache on the left side of my head, I feel it. | ||
| I feel run down, and I got up to work out. | ||
| And I was like, you're being a bitch. | ||
| Work out. | ||
| And then we got a text from my manager or my agent or someone who's like, hey, I tested positive this morning. | ||
| So everyone started testing. | ||
| Not everyone tested positive. | ||
| Victoria didn't test positive. | ||
| Pete did. | ||
| Pete didn't test positive, but Pete's a gangster. | ||
| He came up to me with a mask. | ||
| Did my test and was like, here, I ain't got COVID. Fuck them. | ||
| You can know the difference between being a bitch and whether or not you're not feeling good if you always hold yourself accountable. | ||
| Well, I think you probably can. | ||
| I can party pretty hard and then wake up and not want it. | ||
| But you know the difference. | ||
| You know what a hangover feels like. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| The first time I got COVID, I thought it was a hangover. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| First time I got COVID, I was like, I'm just really hungover. | ||
| Well, you probably were. | ||
| And you had COVID. Well, I was hungover. | ||
| The first time I ever got COVID, I had partied hard as fuck with my wife in... | ||
| Not Salt Lake City. | ||
| What's this? | ||
| Park City. | ||
| Park City. | ||
| We went skiing in Park City. | ||
| Georgia got it. | ||
| That was a super spreader location, Park City. | ||
| In the early days of COVID, that was like one of the places where a bunch of people got COVID. I think they traced it to like some clubs. | ||
| They had some shows that they did. | ||
| You know, what is that thing that they do down there? | ||
| Sundance. | ||
| Sundance, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, wherever all the fucking... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The first time I got COVID, I just thought it was a hangover, and I went skiing, I went snowboarding. | ||
| Me and my daughter went snowboarding. | ||
| Georgia and Leanne had COVID, so we sent the tour bus to come get them in Park City and drive them home. | ||
| And Isla and I stayed. | ||
| We're like, we're going to fucking hang out. | ||
| We're going to just go snowboarding. | ||
| And so I woke up, and I was like, goddammit, I'm hungover. | ||
| Went snowboarding. | ||
| Tested negative. | ||
| Flew home. | ||
| The second I got home, before the flight I tested, still negative. | ||
| The second I got home, I was positive. | ||
| And I was like, God damn it. | ||
| And then the next time I got COVID, I thought it was a hangover again. | ||
| Tested positive. | ||
| I mean, I think if I had your body and your mechanism where you're really good at measuring your intake. | ||
| Like last night, you didn't drink it. | ||
| You had a glass of wine at dinner and that was it. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I have to wake up with an accountability of going, you wanted to party, you gotta work out. | ||
| So every time I've had COVID, I've fucking worked out. | ||
| And been like, pushed it in the gym. | ||
| While you had COVID? Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Sometimes that's not wise. | ||
| I'm sure it's not. | ||
| This idea that you're supposed to sweat it out, that's horseshit. | ||
| Tell that to Cam Haynes. | ||
| Cam Haynes is the one. | ||
| He got sick. | ||
| I had to send a doctor to him. | ||
| I sent the nurses to him when he got COVID. He ran fucking 10 miles every day and polar plunged. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, while he had COVID. That's a motherfucker right there. | |
| Yeah, don't do that. | ||
| Can I tell you why I like Cam Haynes? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| His book that he wrote... | ||
| Did you listen to it? | ||
| Of course I did. | ||
| Am I being drunk right now? | ||
| I'm in it. | ||
| His book... | ||
| I did the forward to it. | ||
| His book is a self-help book. | ||
| It's a motivational book, but it's based on his own life experiences. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you can tether yourself to his life experiences and go... | ||
| And I'm similar to that. | ||
| That's what I liked about that book. | ||
| There's shit with his dad. | ||
| And the running stuff, I can understand that. | ||
| And it was so cool. | ||
| I listened to one on the beach on a jog. | ||
| And I like self-help books like that, you know? | ||
| Where they're like, they tell you about their life and their struggles, and they're not trying to pinpoint your weaknesses. | ||
| They're letting you know about their weaknesses. | ||
| I love that shit, man. | ||
| The reason why I bring up you shouldn't work out while you're sick is because even for elite athletes, when they work out, when they get sick, they just get sicker. | ||
| And that's what happened with Hamzat Shemaev. | ||
| Hamzat Shemaev was one of the best fighters in the UFC. He got COVID and kept training. | ||
| And got really fucking sick. | ||
| For real. | ||
| And was hospitalized. | ||
| Not just once, but multiple times. | ||
| Hospitalized with COVID. Because he wouldn't stop training. | ||
| Because he was a fucking animal. | ||
| So he'd get a little bit better, and then he'd break his body down again. | ||
| Like, COVID is a very strange disease. | ||
| And... | ||
| If you let it get deep into your body, like if you break yourself down, like it seems to have affected, I know quite a few people that got it really bad when they were drinking. | ||
| Like they were really drunk and depleted and their immune system was crashed, which is often times how people get sick, and then they got it really bad. | ||
| But the people that worked out while they had it, man, they kept it for a long fucking time. | ||
| And Hamzat posted a photograph of his toilet where it was like blood splattered in the toilet because he was throwing up blood. | ||
| And he was saying, like, he's going to have to retire from fighting because his lungs were fucked up from COVID. So Leanne had long COVID. And she got, when the first time she got COVID, I think she had COVID a couple times now. | ||
| The first time she got it, she worked out the whole time she had it. | ||
| Yeah, that's probably what gave her long COVID. It probably broke her body down. | ||
| It's like your body never has a chance to fully recover. | ||
| You've got to let your body get to 100%. | ||
| Your body's struggling, right? | ||
| And when you are exercising, what you're doing is you're taxing your body's resources so your body has to repair and improve and it repairs your cardiovascular system and your muscular system and you get stronger and you get healthier. | ||
| But it's all about breaking down and rebuilding. | ||
| Well, when you're sick, you don't rebuild. | ||
| You just break down further. | ||
| So you're breaking down a system that's already taxed. | ||
| You already feel like shit, like, oh, I just need to push myself to the gym. | ||
| No, you need to fucking rest. | ||
| You need to fucking rest. | ||
| And if you don't do that, it'll just get deep into your system. | ||
| So then, so... | ||
| I'm curious about your actual motivations. | ||
| So when you get up this morning, you don't have a personal trainer, right? | ||
| You don't have anyone that sets up a training program for you? | ||
| No, I don't have anyone. | ||
| So then, do you go today as shoulders? | ||
| And you do shoulders? | ||
| Yeah, I write things out. | ||
| I have a whiteboard, and I write out all the different workouts. | ||
| So you make up your own workout. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have circuits that I do. | ||
| So I have circuits that I repeat and then I either add weight or I add repetitions or I'll add additional exercises to the circuit when I decide the circuit's too easy. | ||
| Can you post those on Instagram from now on? | ||
| I'd be curious to see those. | ||
| I try not to make it too public, because I think part of what I like to do is I like to do it by myself. | ||
| I've done it before, like I've talked about what I've done before, but I think there's something that's good about just doing it in silence. | ||
| Doing it by yourself. | ||
| Just struggling. | ||
| Don't tell the whole world that you're doing this. | ||
| I kind of do already. | ||
| That's all I do. | ||
| I know, but for my head, it's better to not. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| For my head, it's better to just go through it. | ||
| Just go through it. | ||
| Because everything I do is so public already anyway. | ||
| It's better to not have that, which is my medicine. | ||
| That's my medicine. | ||
| Working out is my medicine. | ||
| That's my mental medicine, for sure. | ||
| But you understand the value in knowing your medicine. | ||
| As an outsider, I'm not advocating that you should post these for real, because if that's how it works for you, it should work. | ||
| But I am curious, when we did the 100 push-ups, a perfect example, knowing that that's the benchmark, It's interesting to see how hard you actually are pushing it, because if I wrote my own workouts, they'd be fucking cakewalks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'd be fucking cakewalks. | ||
| I have someone else, Lacey Mackie, she's my trainer, she travels with us. | ||
| She does my workouts, and sometimes I'll see them and I'll go, fuck that workout. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In December, we did... | ||
| I'm going to misremember this. | ||
| Five squats, five burpees, and five push-ups every day. | ||
| And then we added five every day until we got to the end of the month. | ||
| And we were doing 150 burpees, 150 push-ups, and 150 squats. | ||
| And it was undoable. | ||
| I mean, it was like so fucking tough. | ||
| Especially if you missed a day, which we did, and you were forced to do like fucking... | ||
| At one point I had 470 burpees left. | ||
| And I'm just going like, fuck this workout. | ||
| But like it's curious I'm curious about like guys like you I say I say you David Goggins and Cam Haynes because those are like the guys I enjoy but like I'm like Cam Haynes is pretty specific I do I do 12 miles every day at lunch which is insane is fucking insane And then Polar Plunge and this. | ||
| Do you know Jesse... | ||
| I'm going to mispronounce his name. | ||
| Jesse Seitzer? | ||
| He lived with Cam Haynes. | ||
| He's... | ||
| Itzler. | ||
| Jesse Itzler? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He lived with David Goggins. | ||
| My bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He did something so fucking... | ||
| For a runner, so powerful, is that he's talking about getting back into running, because he had taken some time off, so he had an injury. | ||
| He said, what I'd like to do, I'm misremembering, I'm sure, but I do two minutes of running and then five minutes of walking. | ||
| Two minutes of running to get back into running. | ||
| It was so fucking useful as an outsider looking in, because I go, oh shit, you know, I gained some weight on this last tour, and I'm trying to get back, and I go, that's really interesting. | ||
| This morning on the treadmill, I did him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| That's a good way to do it. | ||
| Doing anything is good. | ||
| What I do... | ||
| Even your process of how you come up with what your workout will be is fascinating to me because I know you kill it in the gym. | ||
| I treat myself like I'm my own personal trainer. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| I treat myself like I'm a different person. | ||
| I don't look at me as, like, what I want to do. | ||
| I look at me like a person I'm telling to do things. | ||
| Like, I'm the boss of me. | ||
| I don't do that. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's okay. | ||
| You don't have to do that. | ||
| I have to do that. | ||
| You understand? | ||
| I'm a crazy person. | ||
| Like, I've realized I'm a crazy person, so I've figured out how to not be crazy. | ||
| Like, I don't want to be crazy. | ||
| I want to be nice. | ||
| So what's the best way for me to be nice? | ||
| I go crazy in the gym. | ||
| You've worked out with me before. | ||
| When I work out, I go fucking hard. | ||
| You try to have a heart attack. | ||
| I go fucking hard. | ||
| So that for the rest of the day, I'm cool as a cucumber. | ||
| I'm relaxed and friendly and nice. | ||
| And I get those demons out. | ||
| My litmus for health has always been 225 bench press. | ||
| Do you remember when we all did that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The three of us got pinned and you did like fucking 15? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you were like, I think I might have ripped my pack. | ||
| Let's go do a podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was joking. | ||
| I didn't really put my back. | ||
| I hadn't done any benching. | ||
| That's the funny thing. | ||
| I don't bench. | ||
| That's my favorite thing in the world. | ||
| That's all from kettlebells. | ||
| So you're just kettlebells? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do push-ups and I do dips and I do chin-ups and I do pull-ups. | ||
| I do those L pull-ups where I grab the bars like this and I keep my legs extended in front of me and I do them like this. | ||
| So it's like pull-ups and an ab. | ||
| It's like a back and ab exercise. | ||
| Arm, backs, and abs all at the same time. | ||
| I've seen brothers do it in the hood on stop signs. | ||
| Oh, it's such a good thing for you. | ||
| Yeah, those L chin-ups. | ||
| But I don't do any bench pressing. | ||
| You still running? | ||
| No, no, no, I stopped that. | ||
| I fucked my knee up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I've hurt my left knee a couple of times now. | ||
| I tore my MCL, and then I kept training with this torn MCL, and it got pretty bad to the point where I would do Muay Thai, and it would swell up, and then I was like, God damn it. | ||
| And so then I got a bunch of stem cells in it, and I haven't done any running, and I haven't done any Muay Thai in like almost a year. | ||
| Where I'm just trying to fix it. | ||
| And it's 90 something percent now. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all when I do squats or I did all the knees over toes stuff. | ||
| But the problem is, you know, I'm a meathead. | ||
| And when I start working out, especially when I start hitting the bag, because it's so much torque on your knees and it puts a lot of stress on your tendons. | ||
| If you have a weakened tendon that you're healing and then you kick really hard, it's like it just never heals. | ||
| It would get better and then I'd fuck it up again. | ||
| It would be sore for a few days. | ||
| I just never let it get better. | ||
| So I decided, okay, obviously there's a real issue here. | ||
| Let's keep getting stem cells in it. | ||
| Let's keep rehabilitating it and get it to the point where you could fucking fully trust it before you start kicking the shit out of a heavy bag. | ||
| It's hard to know, though. | ||
| I had the surgery on my elbow. | ||
| And there was a period. | ||
| It wasn't until recently that I don't think about it at all now. | ||
| But there was a long time where I had a hard time doing anything with my arm. | ||
| How long? | ||
| Like a year? | ||
| Honestly, until we did push-ups. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The push-ups... | ||
| Helped it, probably. | ||
| All that blood flow. | ||
| Helped it a lot, and I haven't let go of the push-ups. | ||
| I'm still doing... | ||
| I'm doing 100 a day, roughly. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| Squats, too. | ||
| Squats. | ||
| Mark Norman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We did a little... | ||
| When we were in... | ||
| That's the Super Bowl. | ||
| Me, Mark, and Shane. | ||
| We're all pro athletes, right? | ||
| Everyone's thick with pro athletes. | ||
| Fucking the fucking savages. | ||
| And I was with, I think, Gabe Davis, Shane. | ||
| Gabe Davis is a big wide receiver from the Buffalo Bills. | ||
| And they said, how many pushups do you think you can do? | ||
| I go, 50. And they're like, bullshit. | ||
| You can't do 10. And you know me and my head, how my brain works. | ||
| I go, all right, bitches. | ||
| 45, I tapped out. | ||
| And then Mark Norman, this little fucking cunt, he goes, I bet I can do 50. And everyone's like, there's no fucking way. | ||
| Mark Norman bangs out 57 and doesn't even get tired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then pulls me aside at the end of the night and goes, cheat code, I do 50 every morning. | ||
| Because I do 50 squats, 50 push-ups. | ||
| I try to keep them active. | ||
| It's a good thing to do. | ||
| And the way we were doing it, 100 every day, you don't realize it until the end of the month. | ||
| But your body changes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your shoulders change. | ||
| Your triceps change. | ||
| My arms got thicker. | ||
| Clothes felt different. | ||
| I've gained an inch on my arm. | ||
| I do measurements. | ||
| For weight loss, I do measurements, mostly. | ||
| So I go around the belly button. | ||
| Right now, I'm 47. My arms gained an inch after that month. | ||
| Today, where they are today, they were 17 when I started. | ||
| I measured myself. | ||
| My arms are 18 inches around now. | ||
| 18 inch pythons. | ||
| That's a fucking dude. | ||
| 18 inch pythons. | ||
| All I want is someone to watch his special and go, he looks jacked. | ||
| Well, one person's going to do that. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Some, like, super slob. | ||
| I was going to wear those pants on my special. | ||
| Why didn't you? | ||
| A little distracting, Joe. | ||
| They're kind of cool. | ||
| They're badass. | ||
| That wouldn't be distracting. | ||
| That would be really distracting. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| The only thing I do... | ||
| Are those sequins? | ||
| They are velvet pants. | ||
| They're velvet. | ||
| But the pattern is so interesting. | ||
| Oh, maybe there are sequins. | ||
| See, there's a clear pattern in that. | ||
| You don't even remember where there are sequins? | ||
| How long ago did you take this picture? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| That's a lot of shit I don't care about. | ||
| You'd be shocked. | ||
| Isn't that important though? | ||
| Compartmentalizing? | ||
| Yeah, I don't care about that. | ||
| It's very important to not care about certain things. | ||
| Just like... | ||
| So, but, okay. | ||
| That's how I feel about the banks right now. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| Definitely about the banks. | ||
| That's how I feel about politics. | ||
| That's how I feel about COVID. Yeah. | ||
| That's how I feel about the Alex Jones shit. | ||
| Like, I don't really care about... | ||
| Like, I know that he got in trouble, but I don't really care. | ||
| I still think he makes me go over now and then. | ||
| Like, I don't care about a lot of shit. | ||
| Well, you don't have to. | ||
| So Donnell said, because you're white. | ||
| Donnell goes, yeah, you know why you don't care? | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| He goes, because you're white and you don't have to. | ||
| It doesn't change your life. | ||
| I went, yeah, you're right. | ||
| I get bummed when you go to a city and they don't sell beer on a Sunday. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck happened to this city? | ||
| We need to make change. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Make this city great again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sell beer on Sunday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking... | |
| Boston used to do that. | ||
| Yeah, they used to have to go to New Hampshire. | ||
| We used to go to the package store. | ||
| That's what they used to call it. | ||
| We had to make a packy run. | ||
| You gotta go to the fucking packy. | ||
| That's what they would call the liquor stores, the package store. | ||
| That's like ancient colonial talk. | ||
| Like, think about that. | ||
| That's pilgrim talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| I gotta go to the package store. | ||
| The package store. | ||
| That does sound crazy. | ||
| That's what we called it, the packy, when I was a kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gotta go to the fucking packy. | ||
| We would have to drive just 30 minutes outside in Tallahassee. | ||
| You could get beer after 2 in the morning. | ||
| Only 30 minutes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We had to go to New Hampshire. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I didn't drive to New Hampshire. | ||
| I couldn't even tell you where New Hampshire was on a map. | ||
| It's right above Massachusetts. | ||
| So we would drive. | ||
| And you have to drive in this bullshit road where it's like two lanes. | ||
| So if somebody breaks down, you're fucked. | ||
| These lanes suck. | ||
| And people drive slow. | ||
| They're all terrified of cops. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you're driving up to New Hampshire to go buy booze. | ||
| I can't believe I never got a DUI. You're lucky. | ||
| I don't drink and drive. | ||
| That's how you don't get a DUI. I don't drive. | ||
| Exactly, specifically. | ||
| I got pulled over once when I wasn't drunk. | ||
| I dropped my phone in between my legs. | ||
| I was in my car, and I was driving, and I don't remember if someone called me or something, but I was on the phone, and I dropped the phone between my legs, and I was like, fuck, and it went under the seat, so I had to do this thing where you're in there, and I moved over, and it was late at night, so there was no one on the road, but I moved over, and did that thing. | ||
| And then picked up the phone, and the next thing you know, the lights were behind me. | ||
| And so I got pulled over and I had to do all the drunk tests. | ||
| I told them, like, I'm not drunk. | ||
| Like, did you have a drink? | ||
| And I was honest. | ||
| I said, yeah, I had a drink before I went on stage, like three hours ago. | ||
| So I did all the thing, all the stupid shit. | ||
| I was like, this is interesting. | ||
| It's like they're trying to check me to see, but I know I'm sober. | ||
| I'm like, come on. | ||
| Come on, you know I'm sober. | ||
| But it was interesting, because they make you do all the stuff, and I did it all perfectly. | ||
| You know, like the balance stuff and everything. | ||
| I was like, okay, can I go? | ||
| And they're like, alright. | ||
| and they let me go. | ||
| We did a... | ||
| When we went to Canada for the first time, you're not allowed to bring drugs into Canada, obviously. | ||
| Did you bring drugs into Canada? | ||
| I brought a little bit of drugs into Canada. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What'd you bring? | |
| Just weed, a one-hitter. | ||
| I brought a glass one-hitter. | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| I had it with me because it was the first time on the tour bus. | ||
| Did they have a dog? | ||
| No. | ||
| So I said, what I'm going to do, Leanne was with me. | ||
| So it was Jesus Trejo. | ||
| And I said, I'm going to, it's my first time on the tour bus. | ||
| I'm going to have a cocktail. | ||
| I'm going to smoke this one hitter. | ||
| I'm going to enjoy the tour bus. | ||
| All of a sudden the doors open and they're like, we're at Borders, and I hadn't hit my one hitter. | ||
| So I fucking panicked. | ||
| I run back to the bathroom. | ||
| It's a brand new tour bus. | ||
| I've never been in a tour bus. | ||
| I don't know how lights work. | ||
| I don't know how anything works. | ||
| I just know I got to clean out this one hitter. | ||
| You got to clean it out by smoking weed while you're at the border? | ||
| I got to empty it and throw it in the garbage. | ||
| I got to get rid of it. | ||
| I got to flush it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Drop the glass one hitter. | ||
| It shatters. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I scramble. | ||
| I can't figure out how to get the lights on. | ||
| I get the weed. | ||
| I put it in the toilet. | ||
| Literally, doors are opening. | ||
| And they're like, hey, Border Patrol, we're here to search the bus. | ||
| I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. | ||
| The one thing Leanne said was, do not bring drugs into fucking Canada. | ||
| So we go into the holding thing, and we're there for like an hour and a half at 2 in the fucking morning. | ||
| An hour and a half we're waiting, and I'm like, I'm fucking busted. | ||
| And the guy comes in and he goes, you guys are all good. | ||
| And I was like, oh, thank God. | ||
| So as we're walking to the bus, I'm still a little buzzed and I'm feeling loose and I go, hey man, just out of curiosity, like what would have happened if we had brought drugs into Canada? | ||
| And he goes, you mean hypothetically like say someone had a glass one-hitter in their bathroom, shattered it, tried to throw it in the toilet and didn't flush it? | ||
| And immediately everyone looks at me and I'm like, yeah, like that. | ||
| And he'd go, I'd say it's an honor meeting the machine. | ||
| Enjoy your tour in Canada. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I went, and Leah got on the bus, she goes, you fucking cocksucker! | ||
| You brought drugs! | ||
| I was like, yeah, I brought drugs. | ||
| A little bit of drugs. | ||
| A little bit of drugs should be like a, that should be the, you know, where you go. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Yeah, like a Brittany Griner. | ||
| They should have a Brittany Griner amount that you can bring, a vape pen. | ||
| Come on, you're not selling a vape pen. | ||
| Brittany Griner amount. | ||
| Wasn't hers just CBD too? | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| Was it actually weed? | ||
| I'm certain it was. | ||
| Who knows if it actually even happened? | ||
| They might have just planted that on her. | ||
| We were going to go to Russia to promote the movie. | ||
| Yeah, promote the movie. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You sound like Sony right now. | ||
| So, what if? | ||
| What if I get arrested? | ||
| They're not going to send someone for you. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| How good would the movie do? | ||
| You're not a six and a half foot tall lesbian that is the star of the WNBA. No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hang on. | |
| Let's work this out. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| I bet. | ||
| But there's a Marine that's in jail over there. | ||
| And they had the option to release him or release Brittany Griner. | ||
| And they released Brittany Griner. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did the Marine do? | ||
| Weed? | ||
| No. | ||
| Some sort of classified information he had. | ||
| Would you try to get me out? | ||
| Of course I would. | ||
| I forget what the actual charge was. | ||
| So you can find that. | ||
| But he was doing something like trying to sneak out classified information from Russia. | ||
| That's what he's like. | ||
| A little different than a vape pen. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| But they're both in jail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they offered this arms dealer. | ||
| This arms dealer that we traded for Brittany Griner? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They offered the arms dealer for the Marine guy. | ||
| Oh, for real? | ||
| Yeah, and they said no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's this goofy administration that we're dealing with right here. | ||
| But both of them should be saved. | ||
| Talks continue on exchange of U.S. ex-Marine held in Russia. | ||
| So this is December 8th, 2023. 2022, rather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| So this was a while ago. | ||
| You know Putin's got to listen to your podcast, right? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| Hey, what's up, bro? | ||
| He'd be- I guarantee you- Guy's got solid judo. | ||
| Does he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Yeah, praise him on his judo. | ||
| He's got legit judo. | ||
| He's a judo black belt. | ||
| If he wanted to fly you over, would you- Nay. | ||
| Wait, what's wrong with your brain? | ||
| I would love that. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| I would love it. | ||
| Because if anything- Do you know the story about Robert Kraft and the football in the Super Bowl ring? | ||
| Where he took his ring and put it on and then kept it? | ||
| Yeah, so I could kill someone with this ring. | ||
| I'd lose this watch in a heartbeat. | ||
| Yeah, you would lose that watch in a heartbeat, but no one cares about a watch. | ||
| He can get a watch, but he can't get a Super Bowl ring. | ||
| So he just took the Super Bowl ring. | ||
| Dude, that's a different kind of human. | ||
| He's probably one of, if not the richest man in the world. | ||
| And, you know, the fact that he just did that to that dude and just walked off with that ring. | ||
| But what about the prospect of you hanging out with Putin and turning him into a cooler dude? | ||
| I am out of your fucking mind. | ||
| Yeah, hey, forget about all those people that you killed that were your political opponents. | ||
| Let's be cool now. | ||
| Just be a different person now. | ||
| Be a totally different human with a totally different background that wasn't in the KGB, that isn't a dictator, that doesn't control information and control what news gets distributed to your people, that doesn't have a lockdown on the internet and is in complete control of all the oligarchs in your country to the point where they're so embedded with you that when you go to war with Ukraine, they steal the oligarchs' yachts. | ||
| Because they confiscate them, because they shouldn't have the money that they have, because the only way they can have the money they have is if they're in cahoots with you, and you're obviously evil. | ||
| You're never going to get an invite talking this way! | ||
| Yeah, it's not my gig. | ||
| You don't care about any of that shit, though. | ||
| I still want to meet Kim Jong-un. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Shit like that interests me. | ||
| What interests me is Trump meeting him. | ||
| That was interesting. | ||
| Met Kim Jong Un? | ||
| After he called him Little Rocket Man, he goes to meet him. | ||
| Shakes his hand, they're all smiling. | ||
| Yeah, that's an awful game. | ||
| You're meeting dictators. | ||
| I mean, if you're the President of the United States like Trump, but you're trying to make foreign relationships better, you're supposed to do that. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Look at that look in his face. | ||
| It's also the fucking mocking glare that Trump gives everyone. | ||
| Because it's like, with Trump, when Trump's talking to someone, it's always like, be nice or I'm going to talk shit. | ||
| Like, no matter what, it's like, I may talk shit. | ||
| Like, well, let's get through this. | ||
| Let's have an agreement. | ||
| Hey, nice to meet you too. | ||
| Don't say nothing or I'll talk shit. | ||
| Even the way this smug look on his face while he's shaking hands with the guy. | ||
| What a fucking character. | ||
| This is an adjacent conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| That's the border. | ||
| Oh, that's where they met? | ||
| Right at the parallel? | ||
| That's the fucking line. | ||
| Imagine the guy that installed those grates. | ||
| That's two different companies. | ||
| Obviously not one company installed both those grates. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| It has to be. | ||
| But what about the building? | ||
| How the fuck is there one building that crosses both lines? | ||
| Who built that building? | ||
| Who built that fucking building? | ||
| Did they meet in the middle? | ||
| The North Korea thing is wild. | ||
| When I had Yeonmi Park on, and she explained how she got out of North Korea when she was 13, how she escaped and went to China, it's one of those stories you're like, holy shit! | ||
| She's talking about how people are starving in North Korea. | ||
| Those are the kind of people that don't want to hear nothing about all this Marxism and woke communist bullshit. | ||
| They don't want to hear nothing about that, because they know this is where this goes. | ||
| What they said to all those people there, they said, we can all have food. | ||
| If everyone just gives up their land, all these people that own land, they're the problem. | ||
| We give up the land, then we'll all have the land. | ||
| And the moment they did that, the moment people agreed to that, Everybody's starving. | ||
| Then the government controls the food distribution, and if you try to take more than you share, you get killed. | ||
| It's horrific shit what they did. | ||
| Horrific shit. | ||
| But it all was under the guise of making a more equitable society, making a more fair and just world. | ||
| Like, why should these rich people have these farms? | ||
| Why should we give it to the state? | ||
| And then all of a sudden the state is in control and everybody's starving. | ||
| People are eating bugs, just trying to stay alive. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't watch that episode. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| But that's the problem with, like, shaking hands with a dictator. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| I mean, arguably, obviously I know I'm going to get lit up for saying this, but what's the difference between shaking hands with our president? | ||
| It's a big difference. | ||
| The way this country is run, it's not perfect, but the way this country is run is so fucking superior to any system that That is anywhere else in the world because the checks and balances that were put in place by the founding fathers. | ||
| They knew that tyranny is a natural course of progression for human nature. | ||
| It's just what people do when they get in control, they become dictators, and they put all these checks and balances in the House and the Senate, and they did it all, the Electoral College, to make sure that this term limits. | ||
| Make sure that you can't do that. | ||
| Make sure you can't do what Putin's doing. | ||
| Make sure you can't do what Kim Jong-un's doing. | ||
| Because when you get into a position like that, just look at what they try to do. | ||
| Look at what people try to do to stop criticism on Twitter. | ||
| They fucking send the FBI to Twitter to try to remove people from Twitter because they're saying things that interferes with the way they govern. | ||
| All that shit is natural and the founding fathers of this country were the only people that put together a system to mitigate that and over time these fucking cunts and these corrupt shitheads have done an amazing job of trying to chip away at that or convince people that it should be chipped away at and Convince people that freedom is not important. | ||
| What's important is equity and inclusiveness and diversity in it. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no That is a fucking That's a sheep costume that the wolf wears. | ||
| And the wolf is control. | ||
| The wolf is control over people and forcing people to bend to your ideological will, whether it's the will of the people on the right or the will of the people on the left. | ||
| That's what it comes in. | ||
| It comes in the form of, like, equity and inclusiveness. | ||
| We're going to make things fair. | ||
| I think you're saying the same thing almost, right? | ||
| Because it's kind of—it's almost like McCarthyism, like where they start— Saying this is how it works. | ||
| You can't question... | ||
| Yeah, whatever it is. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| Climate change. | ||
| It's happening there, too, almost, right? | ||
| It's happening on both places. | ||
| Well, it's a natural thing that people do. | ||
| They don't want people questioning things because they don't. | ||
| Just like... | ||
| You don't want someone to ask you, who's Freddie Games? | ||
| Nobody, forget it. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| It's like they don't want to deal with all the different things that you have to deal with when you're debating something and you want to be proven correct. | ||
| So what's the best way to do it? | ||
| Just silence that person. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Take him off Twitter. | ||
| Ban him. | ||
| Lock him up. | ||
| Put him in jail. | ||
| Give him a house arrest. | ||
| Sue him. | ||
| Find a way to stop it. | ||
| And that's what people do. | ||
| It's a natural thing that people do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It sounds to me like it happens everywhere. | ||
| It sort of happens everywhere, but here is the best version of it. | ||
| This is the best version of it. | ||
| This is the most free version of it in the world. | ||
| We're kind of doing it to ourselves a little bit. | ||
| But we aren't also because you and I are on a fucking podcast right now that millions of people are listening to and we're not being censored at all. | ||
| So this exists here uniquely. | ||
| You have to understand that. | ||
| This ability to broadcast to millions of people without any censorship, without no oversight, there's no one leaning over our shoulder, that's unprecedented. | ||
| It's going to sound super naive. | ||
| There are no Russian podcasts? | ||
| Of course there are. | ||
| But I'm sure they're censored. | ||
| Look, if you're a Russian and you talk shit about the government, you're fucked. | ||
| You know what they did with Pussy Riot? | ||
| You know, they put Pussy Riot in fucking jail for talking badly about the government. | ||
| I know Pussy Riot got in jail, but I didn't know. | ||
| Yeah, if you are a political dissenter in Russia, like an aggressive political dissenter, your life is in danger. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, for real. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you become a problem over there, your life's in danger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, all I know is... | ||
| Russia is nearly isolated online. | ||
| What does that mean for the internet's future? | ||
| Concerns about the emergence of splinter debt, a balkanization of the web, have been gaining momentum. | ||
| The war in Ukraine threatens to make them a reality. | ||
| So that's what you have to recognize. | ||
| Like, Russia does not have access to, like, unless they're using some sort of a portal to get out. | ||
| They're using a VPN or something. | ||
| And even that's dangerous, because if they catch you using a VPN, you're fucked. | ||
| But they have no access to, like, all the stuff that we read. | ||
| They have no access to Wall Street Journal articles. | ||
| They have no access to, like, all the things that we... | ||
| They have access to Russian state-sponsored internet. | ||
| This is... | ||
| I must be the most naive person in the world. | ||
| Is our government controlling our internet? | ||
| No. | ||
| But they want to. | ||
| They would like to. | ||
| But, you know, 4chan? | ||
| 4chan doesn't exist if the government's controlling it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Reddit doesn't exist if the government's controlling it. | |
| What our government is doing, though, For sure, whether they admit it or not, they have a bunch of people that are hired to post and say things that go along with their narrative and aggressively argue and try to shame and attack people that go against the narrative. | ||
| Whatever that narrative is, whether it's climate change or COVID lockdowns or the war in Ukraine or whatever the narrative is the government's pushing, for sure, just like they have over in Russia, They have those troll farms where they make fake Facebook pages and attack people. | ||
| For sure our government does that. | ||
| There's not a chance in hell they don't. | ||
| Not a chance in hell they would not utilize that resource for propaganda. | ||
| We created it, right? | ||
| The internet? | ||
| No, we created overthrowing governments and creating dialogues. | ||
| Well, I mean, people have been doing that since the beginning of time, but for sure we have been involved in regime change wars for Forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| I mean, that is literally Smedley Butler's 1933 article he wrote, War is a Racket. | ||
| Have you ever read that? | ||
| No. | ||
| War is a Racket, this guy Smedley Butler, who's a general, who's this like decorated war hero, who realized at the end of his career that the whole thing that he thought he was doing was bullshit. | ||
| And that war was just, pull it up, because it's worth revisiting every year and a half or two years. | ||
| Smedley Racket? | ||
| Smedley Butler. | ||
| It's called Smedley Racket. | ||
| War is a Racket. | ||
| 1935, a short book. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's basically, he's basically saying that he realized along the way that what he was doing, where he thought he was like making the world safe and stopping tyrants and being just, that he was really making things safe for bankers and for people that were trying to acquire natural resources. | ||
| Put that back up, please. | ||
| Just right where you were. | ||
| War is a racket. | ||
| It always has been. | ||
| It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. | ||
| It is the only one international in scope. | ||
| It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. | ||
| A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of people. | ||
| To the majority of the people. | ||
| Only a small inside group knows what it is about. | ||
| It is conducted for the benefit of the very few at the expense of the very many. | ||
| Out of war, a few people make huge fortunes. | ||
| Butler confesses that during his decades of service in the United States Marine Corps, he goes, I helped... | ||
| I helped make Mexico, especially Tampico, safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. | ||
| I helped in the raping of a half a dozen Central American republics for the benefit of Wall Street. | ||
| The record of racketeering is long. | ||
| I helped purify Nicaragua for the International Banking House of the Brown Brothers in 1909 to 1912. Where have I heard that name before? | ||
| I brought to light the Dominican Republic for American Sugar Interest in 1916. In China, I helped see it to that standard oil... | ||
| I helped... | ||
| See to it that standard oil went its way unmolested. | ||
| So these are all things at the very beginning of the 20th century that he's discussing that most of us aren't even aware of anymore that our government did in order to secure money and to secure national resources, natural resources to make things safe for bankers. | ||
| And it's like, we've been doing it this way forever. | ||
| It's the rub. | ||
| It's the rub. | ||
| It's the fucking whole thing with the vaccine. | ||
| It's the rub. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| It's money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're willing to do things for money that cost lives. | ||
| And the people that are making the money don't experience the loss. | ||
| Because they're not losing their lives. | ||
| And they've been doing it that way for fucking ever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| And every now and again, we forget. | ||
| And we get naive. | ||
| And we're like, they wouldn't fuck us again. | ||
| And then they fucked you again. | ||
| The fact that people believed in the pharmaceutical companies is wild. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| They're the people with the biggest criminal fines in history. | ||
| Criminal fines, where people die. | ||
| Like, if you get a criminal fine, like, say if you make pants, and the pants, they fucking fall apart, and they go, oh, you knew these pants were gonna fall apart, we're gonna hit you with a criminal fine. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It's no big deal. | ||
| It's just pants. | ||
| Their criminal fines are for drugs that kill you. | ||
| Things where they knew you were going to, like Vioxx, where they knew people were going to have strokes. | ||
| And they still... | ||
| I don't know what Vioxx is. | ||
| It was an anti-inflammatory medication that killed 50,000 plus people. | ||
| They were fined, I believe they were fined $5 billion off of $12 billion that they made off of the drug. | ||
| So they made money. | ||
| They make money. | ||
| So they get a big fat finder who's like, well, we find them. | ||
| Yeah, but how much did they make? | ||
| They made more money than you find them. | ||
| This is wild. | ||
| So you allow them to profit off of people dying. | ||
| And it's a fucking shell game. | ||
| And they move money around. | ||
| They pay off politicians. | ||
| And you see people talk shit in Congress. | ||
| And you know they're bought and paid for. | ||
| And it's like the whole thing is wild. | ||
| It's medley-butler all over again. | ||
| It's been like that from the beginning of time. | ||
| It says it's because of Fukushima, but I was looking up the largest fines, and it's $95 billion in damage. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big one. | ||
| Is that the earthquake or the tsunami? | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that was a tsunami. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So Pfizer's a big one, $2.3 billion in criminal and civil fines, the largest in recent pharmaceutical history. | ||
| That BP one was pretty big too. | ||
| 2.3 billion. | ||
| These are disasters, right? | ||
| These are like accidental things. | ||
| It's not a side effect of a drug they release. | ||
| But here's where I get hung up a little bit. | ||
| It's like, I don't know, fuck it, I don't care. | ||
| Oh, we gave up! | ||
| I gave up. | ||
| I'm not going to Russia. | ||
| Yeah, don't go to Russia. | ||
| Please. | ||
| I thought it would be a fun way to promo the movie. | ||
| They would 100% put you in jail. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why wouldn't they? | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| Put him in jail. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dieselgate. | ||
| VW's emission scandals cost the car. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| Okay, criminal and civil fines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| What, does it cost them already? | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| Well, it probably also, to date, VW has paid $34.9 billion in criminal and civil fines, so they paid it so far. | ||
| And that was about lying about how much emissions they produced, right? | ||
| Yeah, so they fucked with their emissions. | ||
| Who would have thought that the Nazis would just lie? | ||
| They're not Nazis. | ||
| I thought you were talking about the real Nazis. | ||
| Well, the VW was started by the Nazis. | ||
| Oh, was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's a people's fucking wagon. | ||
| Facebook's paid out five billion in penalties for privacy violations. | ||
| Whoopsies. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Whoopsies. | ||
| How much did they make? | ||
| They could pay off five billion. | ||
| What about this? | ||
| I feel like I'm going to put it in very small terms. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Do you remember the comic that would tell you, you got to check your numbers, they're going to fuck you on the bonuses. | ||
| Oh, a lot of people tell you that. | ||
| Yeah, and then sometimes you go, yeah, but I'm not gonna be the guy that sits here and looks at every fucking table. | ||
| Oh, I have. | ||
| I have when I knew that someone was fucking me. | ||
| There's this one guy that someone told me to look out for and then he did it to me. | ||
| He tried to tell me that he gave away comps. | ||
| I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| I go, we have a contract. | ||
| He goes, well, what do you want to do about the comps? | ||
| I go, Give me the fucking money. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| You didn't pay comps, you fucking liar. | ||
| Give me the money. | ||
| You've been doing this to everybody. | ||
| Like, he would do it to everybody. | ||
| We'd tell you, like, you didn't really sell out. | ||
| And he'd be like, there's not an empty seat in this place. | ||
| Nah, it just looks like that. | ||
| Look you straight in the eye. | ||
| He did that to me one time, and then I came back a year later. | ||
| This time I sold it out way in advance. | ||
| And when I sold it out, in advance, before I got to the club, everything was sold out, he tried to tell me he gave away 150 comps a show. | ||
| I was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| We were looking at each other where I knew he was lying. | ||
| You know when you make an eye contact with someone, and you know they're trying to fuck you over? | ||
| And they know that you know, but the words keep coming out of their mouth? | ||
| And then I just go, give me the fucking money. | ||
| And then he just cuts the check, and I never work for him again. | ||
| And I told everybody. | ||
| I'm like, fuck you, man. | ||
| Like, you're a thief. | ||
| You're just a thief pretending to be doing business. | ||
| This is thievery. | ||
| You're lying. | ||
| Like, we have a deal, and you're trying to make more money than you deserve, because you're a cunt. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| My point I was trying to make was a little bit adjacent to that, but like, yes, for you to say that, I listen to it. | ||
| But how many comics do you know that have said, yeah, they fuck you on your bonuses, and I go, yeah, but you don't sell out. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
| And so that's my problem with everything I learned. | ||
| Like, I listened to you and Russell Brand, and it was, man, it was a lot. | ||
| It was a lot. | ||
| Russell's amazing. | ||
| It was so much that I was like, I had to listen to him in chunks. | ||
| People think he's on Fast Forward. | ||
| He talks so fast. | ||
| People think he's on Fast Forward. | ||
| He doesn't even do drugs. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He was great on Bill Maher, too. | ||
| Did you see him on Bill Maher? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| When he's going after with that CNBC guy. | ||
| Hilarious! | ||
| Or MSNBC. I would love for him to come into an argument with me and my wife and take my side. | ||
| And they go, Russell's gonna speak for me. | ||
| I've been drinking. | ||
| He knows how to do it with humor. | ||
| He's really great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there are so many... | ||
| The problem is with everything going on in the world right now, there are so many narratives, so many people. | ||
| And I take it back to the comics and the club going, you get fucked on bonuses. | ||
| You hear that from so many people that you know that aren't selling tickets, that if I hear it from you, that's one thing. | ||
| Most of the time you don't get fucked on bonuses. | ||
| Most of the time you don't. | ||
| That's why the reason why it's so upsetting when someone tries to rip you off is because it's so cliche in Hollywood, in show business, but it's so rare. | ||
| So when someone, like, this guy had done it to someone else, then Stan Hope had warned me about it, and then Dom Irera had warned me about it. | ||
| I think I know the club. | ||
| Yeah, I bet you know the club. | ||
| But it's like, you know, now everybody knows you fucking cunt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the power of talking behind people's back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's also the power of, you know, we're honest with each other. | ||
| You know, and, like, you want to know, like, where's a good place to work? | ||
| Oh, you know, Acme is great, and, like, work at this place. | ||
| The comedy works in Denver. | ||
| You know, everybody talks about the good spots and how fun it is. | ||
| But we also talk about someone who's, you know, there's people that are thieves, man. | ||
| They're just, they're trying to lie and swindle. | ||
| I mean, you hear about it all the time in the news. | ||
| There's always someone getting fucked because someone lied about something and stealing money. | ||
| I had this CoffeeZilla guy on. | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| The internet guy? | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's got a YouTube show. | ||
| And he mostly busts people with scams. | ||
| And he busts people with crypto scams and explains how they're doing this and how they're fucking people over. | ||
| It's fascinating how much of that stuff is going on. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| I look at it like, I never understood the whole crypto fucking Dinah, whatever the fuck the NTF stuff was. | ||
| NFTs. | ||
| NFTs. | ||
| And then you watch it go south. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then part of me goes, oh, thank God I didn't try to understand that. | ||
| Yeah, but now it seems like regular money's going south. | ||
| Like, what did you fuck? | ||
| Yeah, what's going on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are we poor? | ||
| Are we fucked? | ||
| Do I need to buy gold? | ||
| How many bullets am I going to need? | ||
| I don't understand still what's happening. | ||
| It's the 22s that you need. | ||
| I've been hearing the regulators are making a statement about crypto, is what I've heard is maybe the underlying issue of what's going on. | ||
| Oh, they're blaming crypto. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| They're tanking the banks to blame crypto to keep people in a 15-minute radius of their house, keep you on a social credit score system. | ||
| We're fucked! | ||
| But because of this, crypto's gone up. | ||
| It went up 15% today almost. | ||
| Right, because nobody trusts regular money anymore. | ||
| Fuck crypto. | ||
| It's all gross. | ||
| I should've listened to Red Band back in the day. | ||
| We should just buy gold. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| 22 bullets. | ||
| Rifle. | ||
| A.22 rifle. | ||
| Those bullets are the most valuable thing. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because a.22 rifle is the most valuable thing you can have. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's good for hunting. | ||
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What? | |
| Small things. | ||
| Yeah, but why do you want to hunt small things? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You want to shoot a big thing, so you only have to eat like one thing a week. | ||
| This is an example of me regurgitating a conversation I heard in New Orleans. | ||
| Yeah, those people in New Orleans need to shut the fuck up. | ||
| Whoever told you that doesn't really hunt. | ||
| They said 22 bullets. | ||
| See if you can find that, Jamie. | ||
| There's got to be truth to this. | ||
| I know I heard this. | ||
| Well, you could shoot squirrels and rabbits and stuff. | ||
| No, but 22 rifle bullets are the hardest thing to get in an apocalypse. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Maybe because they don't make that many of them. | ||
| But you don't want a.22. | ||
| Like, you want a more versatile round, you know? | ||
| A rifle. | ||
| You want something that can kill everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want something that can kill a moose and a deer and a fucking groundhog. | ||
| Like, whatever the fuck you want to shoot. | ||
| But you can't kill a groundhog with the same thing you kill a moose with, you'll destroy it. | ||
| You certainly can. | ||
| No. | ||
| For real? | ||
| You certainly can. | ||
| Yeah, you headshot them. | ||
| And their heads explode. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Yeah, there's a video of Brock Lesnar shooting, I think it's groundhogs, prairie dogs. | ||
| He's shooting, because prairie dogs dig holes, and cows step in them, and they snap their legs, and horses step in them and break their legs. | ||
| And so when they have them on ranches, they kill them. | ||
| And they're shooting them with a.50 caliber. | ||
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Hmm. | |
| Which is like, that's a round. | ||
| You get a concussion from a 50 caliber. | ||
| Yeah, they're ridiculous. | ||
| I've shot 50 caliber rifles and then had panic attacks in my bed later. | ||
| They fucking concuss you. | ||
| Yeah, the boom is so scary. | ||
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Boom! | |
| And it shakes your whole body, your fillings are loose, and you're just like, and then you reek of gunpowder. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good. | ||
| You don't need that. | ||
| You don't want to hunt squirrels with a.50 caliber. | ||
| But like a.300 Win Mag is like a good versatile round. | ||
| You can shoot deer with it. | ||
| You can shoot a moose with it. | ||
| You want a lot of those. | ||
| You want versatile bullets. | ||
| Like if the shit goes down, you don't want just.22s. | ||
| Because if you shoot a deer with a.22, you're probably going to wound it. | ||
| It's probably going to run away and you're probably never going to find it. | ||
| It might run miles and miles before you get to it before it dies. | ||
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Really? | |
| You might not ever find it. | ||
| And it might not bleed a lot. | ||
| And blood trailing is very difficult. | ||
| You have to know what to look for. | ||
| You have to know how to do it. | ||
| It's not easy to trail an animal. | ||
| I'll never blood trail anything. | ||
| I'll never blood trail anything. | ||
| I'd be shocked if I ever killed anything other than fish. | ||
| Fish are easy. | ||
| They don't even take care of their kids. | ||
| They just cum. | ||
| They cum on eggs, and the kids just run away and get eaten. | ||
| Nobody cares about fish. | ||
| You can hold up a dead fish, no one cares. | ||
| Try to hold up a dead deer. | ||
| People will fucking freak out at you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, hold up the paw of a dead bear you shot. | ||
| People will go nuts. | ||
| Is that the thing? | ||
| Oh yeah, people love bears. | ||
| They're so stupid. | ||
| They think the bear is like, Smokey the bear, why'd you kill Boo Boo? | ||
| Why did you kill Yogi? | ||
| It's a fucking predator that you can eat. | ||
| Colin Quinn used to have a joke about how he goes, everyone's trying to save the polar bears. | ||
| Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| If a polar bear walked into this room right now, you'd be throwing chairs at it. | ||
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It's true. | |
| And it wouldn't help. | ||
| They'd run right through you. | ||
| They're terrifying. | ||
| Have you ever seen that video where there's a journalist who gets inside of a box in the Arctic and the polar bear is trying to get to him? | ||
| It's a giant plexiglass box that they built just for this, just to show how predatory polar bears are. | ||
| Polar bears are the most predatory of all bears because they're the only bear that doesn't eat any grass, doesn't eat any vegetables, no fruit. | ||
| Is that them drive? | ||
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No. | |
| No, no, it's just a big steel box with cameras on it and where the bear can smell this guy. | ||
| So the bear walks up to this dude and realizes that there's some sort of a life form in there. | ||
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Oh shit. | |
| Yeah, that bear, if it got to that guy, would just tear him apart. | ||
| No ifs, ands, or buts would definitely 100% eat him. | ||
| That's the difference between a polar bear and a grizzly bear, or a polar bear and a brown bear, or a polar bear and a black bear. | ||
| When grizzlies see you, they might not want to have anything to do with you. | ||
| A polar bear sees you, it's like, oh, I'll eat you. | ||
| You're a living thing. | ||
| Yeah, look at its mouth. | ||
| What's trying to bite. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Fuck all that. | ||
| Fuck all that. | ||
| Because they live in the harshest climate. | ||
| They have to be the most aggressive. | ||
| I've swam with great white sharks a bunch. | ||
| A bunch? | ||
| A bunch, yeah. | ||
| And I've done so much shit that I don't remember. | ||
| I remember hearing a podcast you did with a guy and he was like, he did it so well. | ||
| He was like, I lived, I stayed in the biggest cave in the world. | ||
| And I was like, ooh, what's this? | ||
| And then I realized, oh, I've been there too. | ||
| I've been there, yeah. | ||
| Well, you did that Travel Channel shit. | ||
| Yeah, I did so much shit that I don't remember, but I swam out of the cage of Great White Sharks, I swam in the cage of Great White Sharks. | ||
| And man, I'll tell you, there's a moment where you go, how do they know this has been tested? | ||
| Right, they don't. | ||
| You're in a cage and- Did you see that one that broke recently? | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Someone builds it, then you sit out there and you go, let's hope it works. | ||
| Yeah, like this fucking asshole. | ||
| This guy and this silly bitch. | ||
| I would have been like, how do you know that that's going to stop the polar bear from eating me? | ||
| And do you guys have a method that you're going to use to chase the polar bear away? | ||
| And you can't tell a bear to take it at half speed. | ||
| You go, hey, we got it. | ||
| Cut. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Everyone rap. | ||
| Let's go to... | ||
| And when you want to leave, the bear decides, like, no, I'd rather just stay here and figure out a way to eat you. | ||
| So how do you shoo the bear off? | ||
| Are you going to shoot it? | ||
| You can't shoot it. | ||
| It's protected. | ||
| So what are you going to do? | ||
| You can shoot it. | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| I'll take the fine. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| It's a big fine. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Dude, we did a race car, a NASCAR track in Thunder Valley, where they took us on a track at maybe like 110 miles an hour, possibly, maybe 90. Who fucking knows? | ||
| Did you drive the car? | ||
| No, they drove it for us. | ||
| Oh, I want to drive one of those NASCARs. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You can make that happen. | ||
| You know how much that would feel? | ||
| How fucking much power those things must have? | ||
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It's so raw. | |
| But the key is, with the people that can drive it, they get you an inch from the wall. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| When you're an inch from a wall... | ||
| Why do they want that? | ||
| Sometimes they hit the wall. | ||
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Oh, bro. | |
| How about a foot from the wall? | ||
| They go so close to the wall, and you hear the tires... | ||
| And all I thought when the tires hit was, they pop sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, they break. | ||
| And if it pops, it just... | ||
| You flip. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Fire. | ||
| Brimstone. | ||
| Talladega Nights. | ||
| Talladega Nights. | ||
| Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft! | ||
| What a great movie. | ||
| What a great fucking movie. | ||
| You know what else is a great movie? | ||
| What? | ||
| The Machine. | ||
| The Machine. | ||
| Coming soon. | ||
|
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When is it coming? | |
| Memorial Day weekend. | ||
| Memorial Day weekend. | ||
| I got so much shit to promote. | ||
| The Machine, fully loaded. | ||
| I got a cruise that's already sold out. | ||
| I got Razzle Dazzle, the streaming right now on Netflix. | ||
| Is it BurtBurtBurt.com for everything? | ||
| BurtBurtBurt.com for everything. | ||
| That'll get you everything you need from me. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Alright, let's wrap it up. | ||
| I love you, brother. | ||
| I love you, too. | ||
| It's great seeing you. | ||
| I think I'm going to go to your comedy club. | ||
| Yeah, tonight. | ||
| We're going to Kill Tony. | ||
| I'm going to go to Kill Tony and then fly home. | ||
| We're flying to New York. | ||
| Continue press. | ||
|
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Alright. |
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