Dec. 13, 2022 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:25:39
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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unidentified
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Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| It's kind of a weird thing that we're here, in Austin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's weird here. | |
| Yeah, because LA, it's like famous people are everywhere. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| They know how to act. | ||
| People know how to act. | ||
| Here, it's just starting a little bit. | ||
| It's just like Matthew McConaughey. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Elon, but Elon never goes anywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's always working on five different companies. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| Who else is in Austin? | ||
| Zach Levy, but he lives out a little bit further out in the country. | ||
| Yeah, just McConaughey. | ||
| Dawson moved here. | ||
| James Van Der Beek. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's here. | |
| And then the other... | ||
| There's a few guys. | ||
| Well, it's also, I think, podcast famous. | ||
| Sandra Bullock, but she's never here either. | ||
| She's always working. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I think podcast fame and internet fame, it's like people, you're much more approachable too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because it's like you're in their ears. | ||
| Well, they 100% know you. | ||
| 100% know you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They know all the most embarrassing stories you told. | ||
| Seven years ago when you were like, podcasting isn't going to catch on. | ||
| And you talked about, you know, things you put in your ass in middle school. | ||
| They're like, oh. | ||
| Bro, 12 years ago for me. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, we started off with a fucking laptop using a webcam. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| It's high as fuck. | ||
| Just recording directly to the webcam, like the laptop audio? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, we had some sort of a USB microphone. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But we also did everything completely obliterated. | ||
| We were doing volcano hits. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, dude! | |
| The volcano. | ||
| That's a beautiful thing. | ||
| You didn't know why you were saying it. | ||
| While you were saying it, you're like, what am I saying? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Well, no one's going to listen. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| I'm just having fun. | ||
| And then they did. | ||
| Back then, it was like... | ||
| You know, a good episode would have like 2,000 people. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Now a tweet that gets 2,000, I'm like, bombed. | ||
| I know, what happened? | ||
| It went wrong. | ||
| It's fucking fascinating to see the difference in tweets now. | ||
| Because people aren't scared to post what they really think about something. | ||
| So like NBC News will post something, and then underneath it, you'll just see a cascade of people shitting all over them. | ||
| And harshly. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| They're making death threats? | ||
| No, not that. | ||
| They're like, fuck you, Tucker. | ||
| But they can be funny again and not worry about getting banned or shadow banned or any of that stuff. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, I barely... | ||
| I honestly barely use Twitter anymore. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Purely for... | ||
| All social media, honestly, I just do the fucking, because it's comedy and you have to get people out to stuff. | ||
| Right, promotion. | ||
| I really don't think people should use that. | ||
| I mean, I'm not breaking any ground here, but it's like, I barely, you know. | ||
| You and I are on the same page. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I put my phone away for, like, this summer. | ||
| I went back to Baltimore. | ||
| I lost, like, 20 pounds with my brother. | ||
| My brother's a trainer. | ||
| And I just didn't use my phone. | ||
| I was fucking eating right. | ||
| I was working out every day. | ||
| Fucking, I felt great. | ||
| I was like, this is awesome. | ||
| I'm going to go into the next leg of the tour. | ||
| I'm in New York for like four days and I'm like, I'm just going to check Instagram to try and get pussy. | ||
| And I haven't been off it for more than 20 minutes for four months. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I was like, you know what you have to do. | ||
| But it's like, you know, you can't stop. | ||
| And then the fucking algorithm gets you, bro. | ||
| The TikTok algorithm. | ||
| I don't fuck with TikTok, but apparently that's the worst. | ||
| I was just going to say that I was listening to Chris Williamson. | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's another guy who's out here in Austin. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Really interesting, intelligent guy. | ||
| He runs a great podcast. | ||
| But he had Scott Galloway on. | ||
| And they were talking about how TikTok is essentially engineered to keep us engaged and also accentuate all of our disagreements and arguments. | ||
| And make America look like a real shithole. | ||
| I didn't even think about the disagreements. | ||
| Because my feed is like, they've completely got me. | ||
| It's like fucking just a nice sandwich. | ||
| And I'm trying to get fucking jacked these days. | ||
| So it's like just fat guys' weight loss journeys. | ||
| They know everything. | ||
| And then it's like a muscle girl, which I'm into now. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They've created a new fetish for me just off of fucking... | ||
| It started with just like instructional stuff. | ||
| And now it's just like some girl who's just fucking... | ||
| You know, crushing a watermelon with her thighs and then deadlifting like, you know, 800 pounds and I'm like... | ||
|
unidentified
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You like those. | |
| I'm in. | ||
| You like those? | ||
| Yeah, I'm in. | ||
| I want those. | ||
| Because in my mind, that's got to be... | ||
| There's got to be one of them that wants to fuck a fat guy to like... | ||
| Straighten them out. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's a project. | |
| You fucking fat piece of shit. | ||
| Like just... | ||
| Just pinching my tits. | ||
|
unidentified
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You know what I mean? | |
| And I'm like... | ||
| I'm a fucking little fat fellow. | ||
| I'm your fuck pig. | ||
| She's got me oinking while she's eating my ass. | ||
| That's got to exist. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| And you're going to find her after the show. | ||
| That's why I'm here, Joe. | ||
| She's reaching. | ||
| Right now, she's got her thumbs moving. | ||
| Gals, hit me up. | ||
| The DMs are open. | ||
| Girls that jacked have to be really horny, too. | ||
| You'd think so. | ||
| I bet they're super physical. | ||
| Yeah, because you're in peak physical shape, so it's like all your hormones and shit must be firing off. | ||
| And I think nature would tell you that if you're a woman and you have to lift all this heavy stuff, then you're in trouble. | ||
| The men aren't doing their job. | ||
| They're not defending the village. | ||
| You're preparing for war. | ||
| So probably all your testosterone ramps up. | ||
| You're floating the pheromones out there to get a warrior, so the pussy's probably a top notch. | ||
| Top notch. | ||
| Because if your body thinks you're in distress, they want to get a mongol to make you his wife. | ||
| Yeah, some super fucking killer viking character. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's probably tight like a drum, too. | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They could probably lift me. | ||
| They could probably do deadlifts. | ||
| Put my dick in, clench, and then just do squats. | ||
| That's probably possible. | ||
| If you've seen that picture, it's a meme, the type of men who wear masks in their car, and it is a woman holding a guy up while they make out, and the guy's got his legs wrapped around the woman. | ||
| By the way, I'm in. | ||
| Sounds awesome. | ||
| Do you want her to keep the wristbands on? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Chalked hands, like she's deadlifted. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I want my dick to get chained from the calluses. | ||
| I want my dick to feel like it's been at the spa all day. | ||
| Like it's been completely rubbed off. | ||
| A new layer of skin comes off every time I get jacked off by those Like a salt bath. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Like you've been scrubbed. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| I didn't know that about myself, but I'm in there. | ||
| And then listen, I'm still- You find out things. | ||
| You find out through the algorithm. | ||
| You don't know what you like until you see it. | ||
| No. | ||
| I did hook up with one girl that was strong, and I think she had that thing going on. | ||
| She just kind of DM'd me, and I was like, fuck yeah, let's get in there. | ||
| And it was nice. | ||
| I was going down on her, and I had like- Giant thighs just wrapped around my head to the point where I was started to no joke I'm not exaggerating just blackout like I started seeing spots and I was like if I don't make her come I'm going to die and there was like a fucking thrill to that there was like it felt like Indiana Jones sliding under the fucking thing with the You know what I mean? | ||
| I was like, I have moments to make this woman bust before I lose consciousness. | ||
| It was fucking thrilling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, I don't know. | ||
| But I guarantee you there's a thing like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's gotta be. | |
| Where a woman, like, doesn't even want a powerful man. | ||
| She just wants a guy that she could turn into a project. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because women always do that with guys anyway. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| The same type of women that adopt, like, sad dogs. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm a fucked up bulldog. | |
| A lot of people, they'll take on projects with people. | ||
| Brian Callen used to always do that. | ||
| He used to have these gals that he would date. | ||
| I'd be like, Brian, fucking stop. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| I'm going to help you out. | ||
| It was always a disaster. | ||
| They want meth heads. | ||
| Wild shit. | ||
| I'm ready to be someone's disaster. | ||
| I'm ready to have a good three months until I slip off my diet and they're like, I found fucking oatmeal cream pies wrappers in the garbage. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know what to tell you, babe. | ||
| Somebody must have broken in and had fucking a dove bar because it wasn't me. | ||
| I was doing fucking... | ||
| Burpees. | ||
| I was doing burpees. | ||
| I was doing lat pull downs, I swear to God. | ||
| That was when I was doing hot yoga, babe. | ||
| She kicked me out. | ||
| There's a PS5 and she kicks it and just snacks fall out of it. | ||
| I've taken all the hard drive, I've taken all the games out and it's just fucking Twizzlers and fucking chocolates. | ||
| She finds a secret fridge filled with coke. | ||
| I'm like, those are my family heirlooms from Greece. | ||
| Don't touch those. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's the sad thing. | |
| If you're in a relationship and you have to hide what you actually like. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, oh, man. | ||
| Well, I think part of it is because a lot of my relationships... | ||
| You know, I'm big on therapy. | ||
| I've been thinking about this shit all the time. | ||
| A lot of my relationships, what I'm into is someone who just treats me way too good. | ||
| Because it's like, that's my mom kind of coddled me. | ||
| I was a mama's boy. | ||
| I was the firstborn. | ||
| I was like a... | ||
| One of those smart, precocious little kids who's always saying something fun. | ||
| And so every time I've really, really liked a girl to be in a serious relationship, she's just kind of like over the top. | ||
| I wouldn't have to hide anything because they're like, oh, you can't even help it. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm sorry, I can't. | ||
| And so I think part of me wants like, yeah, fucking throw me through the ringer. | ||
| Some hot mama. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| How much stepmom porn is there out there? | ||
| There's a lot out there. | ||
| It seems crazy. | ||
| I think it's out. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| When did this emerge? | ||
| Every now and then I check in. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's a whole different wave of genre going on. | ||
| That is huge. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| See, that's the weird thing. | ||
| You would think I would have mommy shit. | ||
| I don't have that. | ||
| I find it disgusting. | ||
| I think stepmom shit is different. | ||
| Stepmom is different. | ||
| Dad is divorced, but dad's rich, and dad marries this really hot slut, but dad's at work all day. | ||
| He's gotta fucking run the corporation. | ||
| And you're this jock son in college. | ||
| That's like all of them. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That sounds pretty good. | ||
| You know what I'm in? | ||
| It's like a classic fucking Joseph Campbell genre. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's the hero's journey. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It starts at dinner one day. | ||
| Because no one feels bad for anyone involved. | ||
| No one feels bad that she's cheating on the son. | ||
| The son is in college, so that's fine. | ||
| The dad is probably some rich piece of shit. | ||
| Yeah, emotionally abusive, neglectful. | ||
| Probably cheated on his mom, who was an amazing woman, and now he's with this floozy. | ||
| She died. | ||
| She had chemotherapy. | ||
| He wasn't there. | ||
| He wasn't there. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| He was at the office. | ||
| No, he was at the office. | ||
| And now he's got this new one. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And she's a fucking weightlifter. | ||
| Oh, now we're talking. | ||
| Let's fucking get it all together. | ||
|
unidentified
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Weightlifter wearing pumps, giant thighs, fucking jacks. | |
| Now we're getting into what I'm liking. | ||
| She comes into my room. | ||
| She's like, why haven't you done your homework? | ||
| I'm like, you're not my real mom. | ||
| She's like, what the fuck did you say to me? | ||
| Picks me up against the wall. | ||
| That's now we're talking. | ||
| And then you lean towards and she just goes for it. | ||
| She starts making out with you. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| She holds you up with one arm where she's grabbing your dick with the other one. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| From behind. | ||
| But doesn't let me come the first time. | ||
| She's like, finish your homework. | ||
| Maybe you'll bust next time. | ||
| I'm like, yes, ma'am. | ||
| I've become a model student. | ||
| I'm in a little tie, shooting tie. | ||
| Well, hello, father. | ||
| Dude, we might just created the new genre of porn. | ||
| It's gotta advance. | ||
| Female trainer, like muscular female. | ||
| The thing is, like, how many, like, really jacked muscular females go into porn? | ||
| True. | ||
| Probably a very small minority. | ||
| Very small minority. | ||
| I've done the research. | ||
| It's not that many. | ||
| Half-jacked off to a couple of these videos. | ||
| I don't think that's a genre yet. | ||
| No, but we'll get there. | ||
| You have to get people to train for it, like Cirque du Soleil. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get these gals going, look, there's a whole new genre. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If porn was organized the way film and television was... | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, yeah. | |
| We need a... | ||
| Look at this gal! | ||
| Holding that guy over her head, holy shit! | ||
| Look at the size of her! | ||
| How big is that dude? | ||
| He's a little guy. | ||
| But bro, she looks like she's got some fucking stock genetics. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh yeah. | |
| Like that will make you a barbarian. | ||
| That'll make you a warrior. | ||
| That guy's foot could fit in her pussy. | ||
| Look at the size of her fucking legs and her ass muscles. | ||
| The way she's hoisting that guy one arm over her head. | ||
| Let's just assume he's a tiny guy. | ||
| Tiny guy. | ||
| He's gotta weigh a hundred pounds. | ||
| Let's say 5'2", a hundred pounds. | ||
| Even if he's 100 pounds over your head with one arm like that, it's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the fact that it's this woman who's very womanly. | ||
| When is this from? | ||
| 19th century muscle women. | ||
| I was looking at other pictures and just saw that. | ||
| Bro, that is 100% like Viking genetics. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| Oh, you got two little guys. | ||
| Two little guys with one arm over her head. | ||
| And that's the thing, no one could, you weren't allowed to jack off to stuff, you know, plainly, this couldn't be a sex thing, but this was 100% a sex thing back then. | ||
| Look at the size of her, and she's holding three guys on her arms. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| What did she do? | ||
| This seems like the same lady. | ||
| This is a genre. | ||
| She's lost to history. | ||
| No offense to this long-since-past woman, but she has a very masculine face. | ||
| She does. | ||
| That easily could be a guy that sells you IT service. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's the guy who comes in with a clipboard and says, like, do you guys want high-speed internet? | ||
| Like, how many gigabytes do you guys think you use? | ||
| Oh, you don't need that upload speed. | ||
| You guys are fine where you're at. | ||
| Go back to that picture. | ||
| They don't like when I say this, but you guys are fine. | ||
| Is that the same person? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That's a... | ||
| That easily could be a guy who works at Google. | ||
| Have to throw a vest on her? | ||
| Yeah, like a stout guy, too. | ||
| Look how stout she looks. | ||
| Yeah, because she's got the corset. | ||
| Who knows when she'd actually be like, damn. | ||
| Look at the fucking guns on that lady. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah, dude. | ||
| Oh my God, you like that. | ||
| Out of the back! | ||
| I'm into backs, too. | ||
| How much did they know about lifting weights and getting bigger? | ||
| Back then? | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is crazy. | |
| Did you really stop and think about it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, people didn't really figure that out until, like, a couple hundred years ago. | ||
| Well, if, like, no one looked like Ronnie Coleman until Ronnie Coleman. | ||
| No, totally. | ||
| No, there's even, like... | ||
| That's, like... | ||
| We're talking about decades of difference between Frank Zane and what they do today. | ||
| I think, was it Lynn Swan? | ||
| I don't remember who it was. | ||
| Katie Sandwina? | ||
| That's her name? | ||
| There was a running back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was in 1884. Look at the size of that lady. | |
| There was a running back on the Bears. | ||
| I'm blanking on his name. | ||
| There's videos of her? | ||
| I mean, it's pictures. | ||
| That's a tough angle. | ||
| I'm actually off the Katie train. | ||
| Maybe it was later in life. | ||
| Maybe she kept accelerating. | ||
| Oh, she was enormous. | ||
| Look at the size of her. | ||
| She was 16, and his name was Hyman, who was 19? | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| Oh, they got married, hell yeah. | ||
| Short king and a big lady, now we're talking. | ||
| 182 centimeters, how tall is that? | ||
| Now we're, I don't know. | ||
| I should know that. | ||
| Let's guess. | ||
| Six foot two. | ||
| I'm going to say 5'11". | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| 597 feet. | ||
| Does it count as six foot? | ||
| Six foot? | ||
| I was right about six foot, yeah. | ||
| Oh, she's six foot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, there we go. | |
| It's a big lady. | ||
| Big lady. | ||
| Big stout lady. | ||
| So the running back, I'm blanking on his name, but literally the trainers, he was like, hey, should I lift weights like the defensive, you know, like the linemen? | ||
| And they were like, no, that'll slow you down. | ||
| Like they literally had no one, this is in the 70s, the NFL. That was with boxing too. | ||
| It's crazy, dude. | ||
| In the boxing era, like of like Marvin Hagler and Sugar Ray Leonard, it was like commonly thought that if you lifted weights, it would slow you down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it would ruin your punching power. | ||
| They would only do calisthenics. | ||
| Like Marvin Hagler did just sit-ups and push-ups and stuff like that. | ||
| You'd have to be a freak of nature to make it, which is even more impressive. | ||
| Not necessarily. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| No, because there's a lot of exercise. | ||
| There's a lot of thought to just getting very efficient at the technique when it comes to fighting. | ||
| Some people believe in strength and conditioning as the primary. | ||
| They think that that's more important than anything. | ||
| There's a school of thought, like the Marv Marinovich school of thought, which was, you already know how to fight, so get in insane shape. | ||
| And so he had guys doing these crazy plyometrics and all these different jumping boxes and stuff. | ||
| You know who BJ Penn is? | ||
| BJ Penn? | ||
| BJ Penn. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| One of the greatest fighters of all time. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And BJ's in his prime, BJ was training with Marinovich's. | ||
| So he was just doing these unbelievably brutal cardio workouts every day and almost no martial arts. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| And then he would go and have a gas tank that was off the charts. | ||
| When you got a guy who's already as talented as BJ with zero fear of getting tired, he was the GOAT. There was a fight that I'd If you ever want to see, it'd be Khabib Nurmagomedov in his prime versus B.J. Penn in those years in the Marinovich years. | ||
| B.J. Penn was a motherfucker, man. | ||
| He was a motherfucker. | ||
| I did have an era, actually. | ||
| My little brothers are much more into UFC shit, but the Penn era, I was in there a little bit. | ||
| We'd go to Buffalo Wild Wings at White Marsh Mall, me and my brothers, and we would watch UFC shit, but that's the last, you know, that's my last, you know, frame of reference. | ||
| Like, I don't catch up with it. | ||
| I'm not with it as much anymore, but... | ||
| BJ Penn was so unusual that he won the 155-pound title, he won the 170-pound title, and he fought heavyweight. | ||
| That's fucking wild. | ||
| He fought Lyoto Machida as a heavyweight. | ||
| That is fucking insane. | ||
| Bro! | ||
| Gangster! | ||
| He's just gangster! | ||
| When he fought Lyoto, he wasn't even doing that stuff. | ||
| That was pre-Prime BJ. That was when he would just fucking train. | ||
| And he just ate. | ||
| He's like, fuck it, I'll fight anybody. | ||
| Leota Machina was like a UFC light heavyweight champion at one point in time. | ||
| This was before the UFC, but Leota was still a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| BJ fought him at heavyweight. | ||
| I do love that. | ||
| It's bonkers. | ||
| I love when a guy towards the end just kind of gets a little fat, doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| That's the coolest. | ||
| That makes me sad. | ||
| I love it, dude. | ||
| That makes me sad. | ||
| Tony Gwynn, fat as shit, still fucking never striking out. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| Baseball is different. | ||
| I guess you're right than combat sports. | ||
| Yeah combat sports when guys don't want to do it anymore They gotta stop because there's a like a one foot in one foot out thing that happens and you just get your shit And then some young guy comes up and or young gal comes up and he or she fucks you up And that's just how it goes these kids that are coming up. | ||
| They they're fucking unburdened by life Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They've only been alive for 22 years. | ||
| They have fucking unbelievable bodies that recover quickly. | ||
| And if they train well, and also they grow up learning it on television and watching it on YouTube. | ||
| They're seeing martial arts from the time they were little kids. | ||
| So all these techniques, they're practicing when they're fucking around with their friends. | ||
| And there's nothing cooler than dethroning a legend. | ||
| Nothing cool. | ||
| So they're coming at you with everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everybody wants to be Mike Tyson. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Mike Tyson was 20 years old. | ||
| He wins the heavyweight championship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And everybody's like, whoa! | ||
| Fully. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| No one wants to be Mike Tyson getting knocked out. | ||
| No one wants to be Tyson when he retired. | ||
| I think it was 90? | ||
| Was it February 11th, 1990? | ||
| Because it was a year after I was born. | ||
| Or it was when he... | ||
| But he lost to Buster Douglas? | ||
| Yes, the Buster Douglas fight. | ||
| But even after the Buster Douglas fight, he was still Mike Tyson. | ||
| People were still terrified of him. | ||
| He was just like a little resting on his laurels, you know. | ||
| Fucking the maid. | ||
| That's the best story of all time. | ||
| He was out of control. | ||
| He'll tell you what he was doing. | ||
| He was out of fucking control. | ||
| He fought on drugs. | ||
| He fought sick. | ||
| He was sick. | ||
| When he knocked out Michael Spinks, he had some sort of venereal disease. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| Dude, Mike Tyson in that era... | ||
| Dick leaking. | ||
| Just fucking throwing haymakers. | ||
| You gotta think, like, part of the reason why he was so good was because he was so wild. | ||
| But also, if he wasn't... | ||
| If he just maximized his insane potential and was like a Marvin Hagler type guy who just did nothing but train and trained in solitude and yet only had his eyes on the prize, only had his eyes on beating the best in the world. | ||
| I just don't think. | ||
| It was a different person. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's like, and you lose that essence. | ||
| I think fully, it's like. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| He's one of the, I know what you mean. | ||
| It's nice to think about it as like a video game and it's like just run him through. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's your creative character and it's like, but the same guy who had that kind of power, he needed to, he needed to fucking ask the housekeeper to suck him off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Like. | ||
| When they kept, that's my favorite story about when they were like, you can't go out, Mike, you gotta, and he just fucked the maids. | ||
| And it was just like, that's who he fucking was. | ||
| And it's like, yeah, that's the guy who's gonna, he's gonna fight with gonorrhea. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And he's still gonna be, he's still gonna knock you out. | ||
| Yeah, in one round. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Knocks out Michael Spinks, who's an all-time great light heavyweight. | ||
| Fully. | ||
| Who had just beat Larry Holmes. | ||
| Yeah, Tyson and his... | ||
| That's what everybody wants to be. | ||
| You want to be that young, upsurging phenom. | ||
| Like BJ was when BJ was in his youth too. | ||
| The same kind of thing. | ||
| When he was coming through the ranks, he was this young upstart. | ||
| But nothing for you... | ||
| I mean, that's what you want because that zenith is so high. | ||
| Like that moment when you're fucking taking it. | ||
| But it's like... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Wouldn't you rather just have the... | ||
| What would you rather... | ||
| The glory? | ||
| The like, you know... | ||
| And then the fall? | ||
| Or would you want to just get the glory and... | ||
| Maintain is probably the best thing, right? | ||
| That's what you want to be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you had to choose one or the other... | ||
| I'm really into the... | ||
| I'm reading the Iliad. | ||
| I'm really into the Trojan War shit right now. | ||
| And it's like Achilles had that thing where they were like, you have two options. | ||
| You can be a short life, but you're the most fucking big dick warrior of all time. | ||
| Everyone will be scared of you. | ||
| You'll go down in the history books forever. | ||
| Or a long life, no one's ever heard of you. | ||
| You're happy. | ||
| You have kids. | ||
| And he obviously chooses that. | ||
| He chooses like, fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| Let's go fuck some shit up. | ||
| And then he's the fucking man. | ||
| He's so cool. | ||
| But then in the Odyssey, Odysseus has to go to like Hades. | ||
| And he finds Achilles. | ||
| And he's like, I fucked up, dude. | ||
| This fucking sucks. | ||
| I hate being dead. | ||
| I wish I was fucking a grandfather. | ||
| I wish I was back in the village. | ||
| And it's just like, you want that thing, but you never... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Sometimes you just think... | ||
| I'm thinking about that now with comedy where it's like... | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| This is cool. | ||
| I'm getting the fucking... | ||
| My special went well. | ||
| I'm getting to sell some tickets. | ||
| But I'm on the road constantly. | ||
| It's what I dreamed of when I was 19. And I'm like, damn. | ||
| It's a lot of work. | ||
| It's a lot of work. | ||
| I'm getting fat as shit. | ||
| It's hard to stay healthy. | ||
| I'm tired all the time. | ||
| Which, again, I'm not complaining. | ||
| This is my dream. | ||
| But there's got to be a balance between fucking selling out everything to get the thing. | ||
| Because then shit comes after that. | ||
| And there's so many stories of people that... | ||
| Get what they want and I mean Tyson is a pretty good example where it's like it wasn't he was still Mike Tyson but it is he was never he never reached those heights and it completely fucked his personal life up obviously obviously and so that's the thing where it's like you got to think like there's got to be a balance the thing about combat sports though that is really fascinating to me is I think it ignites in us that same weird instinct to conquer but it does so in like an agreed upon manner instead of doing so through war It's | ||
| a great way to avoid war. | ||
| How many of these guys who would be dominant MMA fighters, if they were living five, six hundred years ago, they would be dominant warriors? | ||
| Almost all of them. | ||
| Society has figured out a way through things like football, which was initially created for that. | ||
| Football was literally created as a sport to simulate- Wasn't it? | ||
| Didn't we go over that before? | ||
| That football was created, was invented to simulate war? | ||
| I mean, couldn't you say that about- Can we find that? | ||
| Let's find that with the article, because I don't want to fuck that story up. | ||
| Because it's an interesting story about the origins of football. | ||
| But there's a thing when you watch a guy win a world title fight. | ||
| There's a thing when you watch two of the best in the world fight, where everyone gets to watch. | ||
| And these guys, who are the wildest and craziest of our population, Get to do this thing, which is akin to combat. | ||
| Fully. | ||
| It's like physical combat with no weapons, but your own body, use that as a weapon, and then see who knows how to do that better, and you do it in front of the world. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that is the ancient shit of single combat, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where it's like each culture, or if you wanted to avoid a war, we pick our best guy and we fuck each other up. | ||
| And there is a feeling of that, definitely. | ||
| Especially when it's like, when it's clashes of cultures, right? | ||
| When it is like, Khabib, and it is fucking, you know, Conor, whatever. | ||
| It's like, these guys from completely different places, and it almost feels like, like, that's what's cool about the World Cup. | ||
| Obviously, it's not combat sports, but there is something sick where you're just like, these countries, this means so much to them. | ||
| So much to them. | ||
| And these people, like, they got eliminated, but Japan and Korea, if they had won, they would have played each other in the fucking World Cup, and it's like, Korea would have fucked Japan. | ||
| Like, they're so mad. | ||
| I mean, that's their oppression. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, Japan fucked Korea up. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, those ancient rivalries, like, England and France fought each other for thousands of years. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, there is, it's just so, there is something fucking awesome about, and whenever, whenever, like, a third world country plays America, you don't think they want to fuck America up? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You got all the money in the world. | ||
| We don't give a fuck. | ||
| We know you put our dictator in power. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly, yeah. | |
| My uncle was the democratically elected guy's fucking minister of the press. | ||
| He got assassinated too. | ||
| You gotta go, motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, this is for the CIA. This goal is for the CIA. Yeah, I mean, it's like war proxy. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| What was that article? | ||
| You highlighted something? | ||
| No, it's a tradition of it. | ||
| I don't know that it was like an official mmm says a deeper connection was claimed during both world wars football as a Training ground for soldiers and officers the game as a mimic war requiring cool thinking self-sacrifice and physical courage So at least in some ways it's obviously from that it's like a proxy. | ||
| Yeah It's like a thing that you can do. | ||
| You can do that instead of war, or maybe it can help you practice for war. | ||
| Especially back then when they really, World Wars could pop off at any time. | ||
| At any time. | ||
| Maybe you can't, you know. | ||
| That's the thing with combat sports, too. | ||
| It's all of it. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| There's a thing that people have inside of them they want to conquer. | ||
| And women want to do it, too. | ||
| They want to do it socially. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And some women, physically, are the ones you want to fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, conquer me. | |
| It's a weird thing that we have in us and it makes you wonder if people hadn't figured out sports and hadn't figured out games. | ||
| How much would we be fucking each other up? | ||
| It seems like that's what people are designed to do. | ||
| And all these other things that we do that all the other animals don't do are probably the thing that's allowed us to become what we are. | ||
| It's probably the things that have allowed us to figure out civilization. | ||
| You blow off a little steam. | ||
| We figured out ways to get along. | ||
| Like, let's play with a ball. | ||
| I'm gonna hit this ball instead of your fucking head. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I'm not gonna sneak in. | ||
| Think about it, a weapon, a bat is a fucking club. | ||
| It's a total weapon. | ||
| It's like, instead of your fucking head, which I want to hit, let's use cocoa. | ||
| I'm gonna pretend it's the coconut. | ||
| I'm gonna pretend your fucking nuts are this coconut. | ||
| Yeah, and they said back to them. | ||
| Now, I think we researched this too, but goddamn that marijuana is ruining my memory. | ||
| Respect, by the way. | ||
| This is such a great racket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
About. | |
| Get high and shit and be like, what was that fucking meme I saw? | ||
| Was that an article? | ||
| In the Mayan, that Mayan football game. | ||
| They used to have a football game. | ||
| Which is like football and a little like lacrosse. | ||
| It was like kind of a little mix. | ||
| Yeah, you had to like knock it through like a hole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there was also talk that sometimes they used a human head, but I don't know if that was folklore or true. | ||
| And then there was another thing that I read that I never could remember if this is accurate, that the winning team would be sacrificed. | ||
| Whoa, that's fucking sick. | ||
| Go to the gods, a winner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'll be a long-ass game where people keep missing the ball. | |
| What is it, Jamie? | ||
| There's an article about it that says, for instance, did the game's winners and losers get sacrificed at the end of the game? | ||
| The answer to both questions is no. | ||
| No, so it's all bullshit. | ||
| But what if they were? | ||
| You know, that'd be cool. | ||
| It wasn't meant to go through the hoop. | ||
| Dude, it wasn't? | ||
| What is the hoop for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that game was really violent. | |
| There's like a hoop, right? | ||
| This is sick, dude. | ||
| That's not what it was for. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So it's like extra points? | ||
| Yeah, it's like Harry Potter. | ||
| It's all about catching the little gold thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It would have been horrible if your best players were sacrificed. | |
| They would have had to find new players all the time. | ||
| Well, maybe they just did that because they have too many dudes that wanted to go to war. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| And there wasn't any wars going on. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We've got to kill off some of these fuckheads. | ||
| I know what to do. | ||
| Yeah, I also think every ancient tradition is just some insecure guy was in power. | ||
| So maybe it was like, there's a stud, just this fucking big dick stud who's been winking at the chief's wife. | ||
| And he's like, guess what, dude? | ||
| You get to go see God because you're so good at sports, we're going to fucking kill you. | ||
| And it's like, so that your wife doesn't get fucked. | ||
| Well, how many dudes did they make fight to the death with swords for that? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| You know? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Fucking the mountain guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And your wife is hanging around and you're the king just because you say so. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| That guy can just fucking mush your head. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You make them fight to the death. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| I guarantee that's probably how they did a lot of those things back then. | ||
| Every tradition. | ||
| Why do you think every religion has a little hat that covers the bald spot? | ||
| Because some fucking guy, I think Yamaka's 100%. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| The guy was insecure about his bald spot. | ||
| He's like, God said we actually have to cover this. | ||
| All of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone. | |
| Even you with the beautiful hair, Joseph. | ||
| People with the best fucking hair ever. | ||
| Like Jamie from Yellowstone. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Just thick manes of hair. | ||
| Sorry, bud. | ||
| Tough shit. | ||
| Put it in the cap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wear the hat. | |
| God wants you to wear a fucking hat. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| How about the Pope gets to wear one like a fish's head? | ||
| What's that one? | ||
| What the fuck is that one? | ||
| That one's sick. | ||
| I don't know what it's called. | ||
| Imagine. | ||
| You should kind of get suspicious. | ||
| When your guy can't dress like regular people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Like, if you're in a cult, if you're in a religion, when the dude shows up dressed like a wizard, you should go, hey, is this on the level? | ||
| Do we get one of those golden staffs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this cat. | |
| He's got a golden staff, a golden helmet. | ||
| So we don't get those, huh? | ||
| Just him. | ||
| Bro, look at that hat. | ||
| This is the new Pope. | ||
| The new Pope is more chill. | ||
| See, his shit is silver. | ||
| Notice how his shit is silver? | ||
| He's humble, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Look, it looks like a peasant made it, like an artist's rendering. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The other one was like, look at the old guy, Ratzinger. | ||
| Bartholomew? | ||
| That fucking Ratzinger guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The guy who had to step down. | ||
| Because he was probably fucking his, like, attendant or something. | ||
| What does it have, like, gold stars? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he was... | ||
| Didn't he, like, retire? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He was responsible for moving pedophiles. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And moving, without reporting them, moving them to new places. | ||
| How does that make him different from any other fucking pope? | ||
| Well, because one of them he did where this guy, he moved this guy and he went on to molest 100 deaf kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| A hundred deaf kids? | ||
| A hundred deaf kids. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| They moved them to some place, like a school that takes care of deaf kids. | ||
| They would just move people, man. | ||
| The fact that that's a real thing. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| And that we all know about it. | ||
| And then deaf. | ||
| You couldn't, like, you moved them to the deaf kids? | ||
| They wouldn't be able to say anything about it. | ||
| He's sneaking up on them? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Oh, that's brutal. | ||
| How many fucking stories? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two hundred. | |
| 200 deaf kids? | ||
| Get his numbers right. | ||
| Get his numbers right, dude. | ||
| 200 kids were... | ||
| The Will Chamberlain of molestation. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Several American bishops repeatedly warned them that failure to act in this matter could embarrass the church. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God forbid the church gets embarrassed. | |
| Jesus Christ, according to Church Files, only unearthed as part of the lawsuit. | ||
| Embarrass us. | ||
| Embarrass us, dude. | ||
| Hey, Mikey, you're fucking too many kids. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is embarrassing. | |
| Come on. | ||
| This is like when I slip on my shoelaces. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| This is embarrassing. | ||
| Aw, you sucked off 800 little boys. | ||
| Well, I got some egg on my face. | ||
| I spilled coffee in my lap on my way to work. | ||
| It's embarrassing. | ||
| That's so fucked. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I can't believe any, like, I don't mean to sound like hack college, you know, freshman year of college atheist shit here, but it's like, they do that. | ||
| How are you going to be in a church? | ||
| How do you go to a fucking church every week when it's like the Pope was just shifting guys around and giving him, not only shifting around, putting him to the most molestable kids. | ||
| He put them into the deaf kids. | ||
| He didn't put it to the school for jacked children where they could defend themselves. | ||
| So what do you think that is? | ||
| You think it was just always a part of the church? | ||
| And people just started talking about it later in life? | ||
| Fully. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| So how does one church get so connected to that? | ||
| Well, I just think they... | ||
| Priest guilty of abusing deaf children in Argentine schools. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So this is in 2019. The previous one was like 10-12 years ago. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I mean, I think if you look at the history of the fucking Catholic Church, they were like, you know, popes were like... | ||
| Poisoning each other and fucking all the time and it's like even the thing where priests can't have kids It's like you look at that. | ||
| It's like were they just trying to not cover benefits like that's my guess my sincere guess is that the Pope at the time was trying to save money and Because it's like, truly, that's really what I think. | ||
| And like, because like the Greek Orthodox Church, not saying, we don't have fucking, no one fucks, I mean, I'm sure a couple guys fuck kids, but it's like, you get to have a wife in the Greek Orthodox Church. | ||
| But the church covers your like family's living expenses and shit. | ||
| And I really think like the Catholic Church was just like, nah, nah, nah. | ||
| I think the origin of it was the priests were like rock stars. | ||
| Because if you think about, if priests could fuck whoever they wanted to... | ||
| He's blinged out. | ||
| They look like Migos. | ||
| They got the necklaces. | ||
| They look like rock stars. | ||
| They're the ones who get to talk in front of everybody. | ||
| And they have a special relationship with God. | ||
| Oh, God told me you have to suck me off, actually. | ||
| I saw it in a vision. | ||
| And you've got to realize, like, up until, like, when was Martin Luther... | ||
| Whenever that was, there's a great Dan Carlin hardcore history on that, on Martin Luther. | ||
| So he was the first guy to make the Bible interpret it phonetically so that people could read it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because everybody was just like... | ||
| It was in Latin and no one read Latin. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So this is in 1507. So think about that. | ||
| Up until 1507, you just had to listen to the priest. | ||
| You had to trust that what he was saying. | ||
| So that guy's a rock star. | ||
| He's decked out like a wizard. | ||
| He's standing in front of everyone with a golden cane. | ||
| I bet he's fucking everybody. | ||
| And he probably gets to bathe. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When we think about who's hot in the ancient world, it's like they probably just got to take a bath. | ||
| Like, you know, Helen of Troy or whatever, right? | ||
| I guarantee you she just was a lady that, like, bathed. | ||
| Yeah, she smelled good. | ||
| She just didn't smell like dog shit. | ||
| Like, that's really it. | ||
| Because it's like, think about what a peasant looked like. | ||
| How fucked up their skin was. | ||
| Like, every hot girl I know today has a 12-step skincare routine. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Imagine, like, not only that, you don't even have water to wash your face. | ||
| You're out in the fucking fields. | ||
| So imagine these priests. | ||
| They get a little water. | ||
| They get to bathe every once in a while. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| No sunscreen. | ||
| Your face is fucked by the time you're 27. Forget about it. | ||
| For another 400 years after that, the mass was in Latin, so you had to know Latin to understand what was even happening. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| For 400 years after that? | ||
| Until what year? | ||
| Somewhere in the 70s or 85, depending on where your church was. | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| But you could still read the Bible at that point. | ||
| That totally makes sense. | ||
| You could read the Bible, but that guy's still talking this voodoo language dressed like a wizard. | ||
| And then if you go to the Vatican, dude, that's the real eye-opener. | ||
| I went to the Vatican on an edible. | ||
| Hell yeah, dude. | ||
| And when I was walking around the Vatican, it kicked in while I was there. | ||
| So I took it, and then I'm walking around, and as I'm walking around, I'm going, this is all a pedophile cult's booty. | ||
| Like, all their pirate booty. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Like, if you really think about how many people have been involved in these pre-scandals, like, what is the number? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Throughout, like, history? | ||
| God knows. | ||
| God knows. | ||
| Imagine that with any other thing. | ||
| Imagine that with carpenters. | ||
| Every time you got your house built, your kids got fucked. | ||
| Look, the fucking deck is pretty good, though, huh? | ||
| You gotta keep the carpenters away from your kids. | ||
| Don't ever let the carpenters babysit your kids. | ||
| Imagine! | ||
| That would be fucking insane. | ||
| We'd be like, we're gonna abolish carpenters. | ||
| Everyone's gonna learn how to build their own house. | ||
| But when things are like a part of society for a long enough time and we grow up with them, we just accept them as being like a normal thing. | ||
| Not that anyone's normalizing abuse, but everybody... | ||
| They were, though. | ||
| I mean, the Catholic Church was doing that. | ||
| If you say Catholic priest, people think abuse. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Instant connection. | ||
| Doesn't mean that they're all doing it. | ||
| I'm sure most of them are absolutely not doing it. | ||
| Most of them are great people. | ||
| A couple of them are putting up some real numbers, some real molestation numbers. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| The Vatican revealed Tuesday that over the past decade has defrocked 848 priests who raped or molested children and sanctioned another 2,572 with lesser penalties. | ||
| Providing the first ever breakdown of how it handled more than 3,400 cases of abuse reported to the Holy See since 2004. See, imagine that with any other business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Any other industry. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Self-help. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, every time you went to a trader, they fucked your kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is insane. | ||
| I know, dude. | ||
| It's fucking wild. | ||
| And it's a real thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's like people are gonna get mad at us for even bringing it up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But it's like, how can you get mad at something that's so insane? | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| When they asked Bill Burr about that, that clip is the funniest thing where they're like, don't you think you went a little too far with the Catholic Church jokes? | ||
| And he was like, don't you think the Catholic Church went a little too far? | ||
| It's like, that's it right there. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Well, that's a perfect Bill Burr line. | ||
| Want some coffee? | ||
| I'm good, brother. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's why I do fuck with the Orthodox, because they got it set up. | ||
| That's a better set up. | ||
| You can't get married if you want to go high up in the church. | ||
| Well, that's another scam. | ||
| So gay guys can keep running everything. | ||
| They were probably the ones who figured it out. | ||
| It is like a very, especially back in the day, if you were a gay guy, and I'm not equating, obviously I'm not equating being gay with molesting children, I'm just saying, if you're a gay guy, the other parts of the church are pretty sick. | ||
| You're blinged out. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You're in a society where you can't be gay, you know, openly. | ||
| So it's like, fuck it, if I can't get married, if I can't be who I am, I'll just take sex out of the equation fully, right? | ||
| So you gotta think, like, yeah, dude, just fucking get some cool gold-encrusted, ruby-encrusted loafers. | ||
| Get me the fucking hat and let me run shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I've always equated being involved in the Catholic Church when I was a kid to, like, sadness and depression. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah! | |
| Did you go to Catholic school at all? | ||
| I went to Orthodox, so I went to Sunday school. | ||
| Greek Orthodox. | ||
| Greek Orthodox, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, fuck, by the way. | ||
| But that wasn't as guilt-ridden as Catholic school, was it? | ||
| Dude, Greek people don't give a fuck. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| My dad would be like, you gotta go to church. | ||
| And I'd be like, why? | ||
| He's like, because I had to. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| There's no deep spiritual meaning. | ||
| There's no God told me to. | ||
| It's just like, I had to do it, motherfucker. | ||
| You're going. | ||
| And then you go to Sunday school and it's just like, yeah, you know, Jesus was pretty... | ||
| It's just like, you know, your friend's older sister. | ||
| And we got to miss church to be in Sunday school. | ||
| So it's like, yeah, fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| I'll go in a little classroom and fuck around with my friends and hear about Jesus instead of, like, sitting in church like an asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Well, see, that's probably the attitude that you get from people that are allowed to get married and have kids. | ||
| And so you could be, like, a normal person and also be a priest. | ||
| Yeah, and you're a real part of the community. | ||
| Like, you grow up with the priest's kid, and it's like, you know, they experience real shit. | ||
| That's another thing. | ||
| It's so weird to go to somebody for, like... | ||
| Guidance on your marriage, and it's like, he hasn't gotten his dick sucked in 48 years. | ||
| There was a kid I knew when I was in high school, and he was a really sweet guy. | ||
| Really sweet guy. | ||
| But he's pretty obviously gay. | ||
| Like, I mean, when I was a kid, I lived in San Francisco. | ||
| Because he was a really good kisser? | ||
| You could tell? | ||
| He tasted like dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every time we kissed him, you're like, this is really good. | |
| You must be gay. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if he was gay, but I would not be shocked if he was. | ||
| And I was always weirded out. | ||
| I'm like, is this guy reading so much religion because he wants to get rid of these feelings? | ||
| Yeah, I think that happens for sure. | ||
| I definitely think that happens. | ||
| He became a priest. | ||
| I don't know what happened to that, but we were all like... | ||
| Everybody who knew him was like... | ||
| A couple people were like, that's great. | ||
| It'll cure him. | ||
| He's going to be Father Bill now. | ||
| And my sister and I were like, poor guy. | ||
| Especially because, like I said, from age 7 to 11, I lived in San Francisco. | ||
| Gay people were just... | ||
| It was just normal. | ||
| It was so common. | ||
| So I grew up that way. | ||
| But moving to Florida, in particular, and then, again, moving to Boston, I realized a lot of people get real bummed out if their kid's gay. | ||
| And it seemed like this dude was just... | ||
| I mean, I could be wrong. | ||
| Maybe he was just really into religion. | ||
| But for a fucking 17-year-old to be really, really, really into religion and carrying a Bible everywhere and reading it everywhere, maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe that's changing him and giving him power. | ||
| Still. | ||
| But even still, I think anyone at that age, it's like, you don't want to lock yourself into something you can't get out of, right? | ||
| And it's like, maybe he was very into religion, but maybe, you know, that was just a coping mechanism. | ||
| And when he really sat and thought about who he was or whatever, it's like he didn't want to be it. | ||
| But then you're a fucking priest and there's all this pressure. | ||
| And then since you've been studying, there's all this religious guilt and shit. | ||
| You probably stay into it. | ||
| And I feel, you know, obviously you feel bad if somebody, you know, we don't, we're just speculating here, but if he did get trapped in that kind of shit, that's tough. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| I mean, it's the same reason fucking kids shouldn't, like, why student debt is such a, like, bullshit situation, because it's like, yeah, you have some 17-year-old kid who's like, I want to be a marine biologist, and then he goes, and he's like, oh, I'm actually, I can't do math, I'm a fucking student. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dumb as shit. | |
| And now I owe $40,000. | ||
| A lot more than that. | ||
| Also, it's the only debt you can't get out of. | ||
| It's so fucked up. | ||
| It's so fucked up. | ||
| To saddle kids with that, like literal children, 17-year-olds, 18-year-olds with that, is so nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you can get out of everything! | |
| Do you think Sam Bankman-Fried is going to have to pay $8 billion or whatever the fuck is missing? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's not going to have to pay that. | ||
| Did you see this that Sager did, this piece about Ivy League? | ||
| I think it was... | ||
| No, let's play it, because he's awesome. | ||
| Well, he was repeating Malcolm Gladwell's thing. | ||
| It's a perpetual motion thing. | ||
| Well, we'll get a sense of it. | ||
| ...of learning in the U.S. have long departed their mission statements. | ||
| They are effectively recession-proof industries set up to bilk the federal government and students while funding a pernicious ideology that is spreading across our higher elite like cancer. | ||
| At the root of it is a rigged financial system. | ||
| These industries beclown themselves because they can. | ||
| They can because students pay. | ||
| But more so, they don't even really need the students to pay anymore. | ||
| It has become increasingly clear in the size of university endowments, which Malcolm Gladwell recently revealed as a scam of epic proportions, focusing his laser on Princeton University. | ||
| Princeton is the world's first perpetual motion machine, Gladwell writes. | ||
| At the heart of his argument is this. | ||
| Quote, after a stellar year in 2021, Princeton University has an endowment of $37.7 billion. | ||
| Over the past 20 years, the average annual return for the endowment has been 11.2%, which puts Princeton's return next year at roughly $3.77 billion. | ||
| He continues, now what is Princeton's annual operating budget? | ||
| That would be $1.86 billion. | ||
| The arithmetic is not hard. | ||
| 3.7 billion in investment minus 1.86 in operating still leaves you with 1.91 billion, leading him to conclude what? | ||
| Quote, Princeton could let every student in for free. | ||
| The university administrators could tell the U.S. government and all of its agencies, it's cool. | ||
| We got this. | ||
| They could take out the cash registers in their cafeteria. | ||
| They could hand out free parking to all visitors. | ||
| They could give away Princeton sweatshirts on Nassau Street. | ||
| They could fire their entire accounts receivable staff and their entire funding staff tomorrow. | ||
| In fact, his team even put together this handy little chart. | ||
| Princeton has been not just doing this recently, but for nearly two decades. | ||
| On a year-by-year basis, their endowment return, just the return, nearly exactly equals or surpasses the entire operating budget of the whole school, meaning no student would ever need to be charged tuition again. | ||
| Or you could imagine a world where students pay much, much less. | ||
| Also, as you can guess, this is not just the case with Princeton University. | ||
| It's the case with almost every Ivy League institution in this entire country, whose endowments in some cases surpass, and I'm not kidding, the GDP of small African nations. | ||
| With this mountain of wealth, why are they not doing what they were supposed to do? | ||
| They were supposed to spend it on students. | ||
| Instead, they simply reinvest the returns, build an ever-growing pile of cash, giving fees to money managers, all while continuing to raise tuition precipitously, even when you're all giving them this freaking Zoom school. | ||
| Tuition at Princeton right now is $80,000 a year. | ||
| Let it sink in. | ||
| That is 10 grand more than the average U.S. household income annually. | ||
| Which brings us to the tax code. | ||
| Now look. | ||
| Yeah, that's good enough. | ||
| But Jesus Christ, what a scam. | ||
| Ivy Leagues in general, it's like they're like, and that's, I mean, I think education should be free. | ||
| I think you should be able to go to college for free. | ||
| I think we should forgive student debt, all that kind of shit. | ||
| But it is, Ivy Leagues in general, it's like so fucked because they have the money. | ||
| Well, I think it would be wise if we gave it available to citizens. | ||
| What would be the harm in that? | ||
| They wouldn't work hard to get it because it doesn't cost anything? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Some people. | ||
| No, that's ridiculous. | ||
| But people need to figure out how it's not about that. | ||
| Just because it's coming to you for free, this is a unique opportunity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| You could actually learn something. | ||
| You can get ahead in this life. | ||
| Yeah, and I think that's true. | ||
| I think, yeah, college should be free. | ||
| I think, like, well, you shouldn't have to go to college. | ||
| You should be able to go to, like, you know, trade schools, all that kind of shit. | ||
| Well, I think you can learn online, too. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of universities. | ||
| They don't offer degrees, but they offer, like, a lot of their courses online. | ||
| But that's also another problem with, like, Ivy Leagues and shit. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Rich people just kind of like, all their kids go, they can all afford to... | ||
| I know so many dumbasses from Ivy Leagues, but it's like this fake prestige that it's just like, no, my family just had enough money to go. | ||
| And I've had friends, I grew up in Baltimore, and I've had friends who went to like Harvard and shit, and they were like... | ||
| It fucking sucked. | ||
| Like, if you're a poor kid going to Harvard, it's like you feel out of place. | ||
| You know, everyone, it's all, you know, people, and it's just like a brutal experience. | ||
| And now, you know, he does fine. | ||
| He was smart as shit. | ||
| He's a doctor. | ||
| He was a teacher for a while. | ||
| He's just like a good person. | ||
| But, yeah, I mean, I just think Ivy Leagues in general are fucking, the endowments are crazy, and it is like a... | ||
| I think we are just fucking a generation of kids, especially when you make them feel like they have to go to school. | ||
| Well, not only that, you expose them primarily to one ideology. | ||
| And that ideology is the most aggressive, which is like woke politics. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So, talk to kids that are in college. | ||
| They get it crammed down their throat. | ||
| I mean, when I was in college... | ||
| How long ago was that? | ||
| You got me 15 years ago. | ||
| Different world, brother. | ||
| Different world from five years ago. | ||
| Different world. | ||
| We used to see some of it and people would be like, why are you complaining about this? | ||
| You're not in college. | ||
| I'd be like, because that's going to spill out. | ||
| That kind of crazy thinking, you just abandon that when you get your degree. | ||
| Oh, I was talking crazy. | ||
| I got off the Colts. | ||
| No, you're going to keep that and transfer it to whatever tech job you get. | ||
| The problem with tech places for me is how every tech idea is just like, hey, why don't we just not pay anyone? | ||
| Every single Uber is like, hey, you know how taxi cabs exist? | ||
| What if the driver can't go to the doctor? | ||
| It's like every tech idea is just a thing that exists, but it's not a living wage anymore. | ||
| And some cocksucker who can code gets rich, and the taxi driver and the guy who goes and gets the grocery, they don't get any fucking money. | ||
| That's my issue with tech. | ||
| Well, that's one kind of tech, yeah. | ||
| I'm reading this book now that's a fucking terrifying book. | ||
| I'm not reading it. | ||
| I'm listening to it, I should say. | ||
| You should be honest on audio. | ||
| It's called The Kill Chain. | ||
| Whoops. | ||
| And it's all about technology and how far behind America is in terms of military technology and our implementation of the current technology that we have available, like the highest levels like NVIDIA chips and what that's actually been used in the actual military equipment and machines. | ||
| It's so beyond behind the times. | ||
| The shit that's available that's at the top of the food chain. | ||
| That's what's so fucking annoying is like, where the fuck are... | ||
| That's what I can't stand about the way America's set up. | ||
| The army gets the money, so how the fuck are we behind? | ||
| This is talking about how those funds, those defense funds, is a lot of what funded Silicon Valley. | ||
| That it all started there working on military intelligence and projects. | ||
| And they dumped tons and tons of money into this stuff. | ||
| And then if you look at what's available now in terms of the top fighter jets and the top You know, all the different equipment that they use that uses computers and they're comparing like computing power with what's available. | ||
| Yeah, and China has been copying everything we do. | ||
| And then the thing with like Huawei, the reason why they banned Huawei in this country, I believe they had discovered that there's a third party access through routers. | ||
| And they'd always suspected something like that. | ||
| Which means that they could just steal your intellectual property. | ||
| So you're over here and you got a billion dollar grant from the government to make some artificial intelligence chip. | ||
| And China's just scooping out your data. | ||
| I'm ready, dude. | ||
| And banging it out before you can. | ||
| Get me a jacked Chinese woman. | ||
| I'll live under her. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| I'm fucking in there. | ||
| I'm cooking all day for her. | ||
| I'm ready to be a house husband. | ||
| And talk about the magnificence of China. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| I'll be a spy. | ||
| Listen, if you guys need a spy, if there's any hot Chinese Beijing bitches with big-ass titties and big-ass lats, I'm in. | ||
| Are you willing to get makeup so you look Chinese? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| I'll do whatever they want. | ||
| Prosthetics? | ||
| I'll wear a little kimono. | ||
| I'll be like Stevie from Eastbound and Down. | ||
| Do you remember that scene? | ||
| Do you ever watch Eastbound and Down? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Dude, it's so good. | ||
| I know it's so good. | ||
| Dude, it's truly the funniest show of all time. | ||
| Danny McBride is hilarious. | ||
| Roughhouse is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Danny McBride is a motherfucker, dude. | ||
| He's funny in everything he does. | ||
| He's the fucking man. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| But yeah, there's a scene where truly this, I don't know, that show is the last, they slid under just in time, but they dress him up in a little kimono and it's like insanely racist, but it's fucking hysterical. | ||
| But yeah, I'll wear, I'll do whatever they want for me. | ||
| Will you get your feet bound? | ||
| I have fucking big feet, honestly. | ||
| I have big, wide Fred Flintstone feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You might have to bind them. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| How big is their technology? | ||
| Yeah, there we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's you, brother. | |
| You're in. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| Just a Chinese powerlifter lady. | ||
| Yeah, I show up dressed like that. | ||
| They're like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| And I'm like, I'm so sorry. | ||
| I'll take it off. | ||
| She speaks perfect English. | ||
| Why aren't your feet bound? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'll do whatever the Chinese empire asks of me. | ||
| Bro, this book is terrifying, because it just talks about how disjointed the American military is, and how these systems aren't communicating with each other well, and it's like, oof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And about how, even today, when the pilots are sharing coordinates with different machines and different equipment, they have to, a lot of it, do it over communication. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you can just steal it easy? | |
| They can't share it straight through. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I don't want to fuck it up, because I'm obviously not technically aware of how they do everything, but the way this guy's explaining it is terrifying. | ||
| Well, there is... | ||
| If you think about anything, there's so much to be scared of. | ||
| It just feels like... | ||
| It's paralyzing. | ||
| I'm definitely in the, like... | ||
| I'm in a little, like... | ||
| Not optimistic. | ||
| I think shit's going bad, but I'm going to have a good time while it's happening. | ||
| That's kind of my view. | ||
| This is probably the last generation with air conditioning, so I'm going to crank it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think that's it? | |
| I'm ready to go. | ||
| We're going back to caveman days. | ||
| And I would die quick. | ||
| Do you think they'll do it to us, we'll do it to each other, or something will hit us? | ||
| Ooh, hit us would be nice. | ||
| Galvanize us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something like a big-ass asteroid. | ||
| Slams into Greenland and turns everything into fucking nuclear winter for a couple years. | ||
| That would be almost nicer, where it's like we're just going through our day, we're just fucking having a, you know, getting jacked in the gym. | ||
| Where are you getting food? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| I'm dead. | ||
| No, I'm dead. | ||
| You misunderstand me. | ||
| I mean, let's die. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Let's go down like the fucking dinosaurs. | ||
| You've probably got a bunker. | ||
| You're good. | ||
| I'm gone. | ||
| If the asteroid comes, I want it to hit me in the face. | ||
| That's what I'm saying, dude. | ||
| I'm climbing a mountain to make sure. | ||
| If you survive that, I mean, I'm sure you'd want to survive if you were alive. | ||
| That's the human instinct. | ||
| But if you go back to like, you know, that movie, The Road. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If shit gets to like that point. | ||
| No. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Killing myself. | ||
| I don't want to live like that. | ||
| I like living like this. | ||
| I'm spoiled. | ||
| I'm spoiled. | ||
| I live in a world where people are nice to each other. | ||
| They wave when you let them into traffic. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| If I don't get the wave, I'm pissed. | ||
| Bro, I don't want to live like the Northmen. | ||
| Did you see that movie? | ||
| The Viking movie? | ||
| It was sick. | ||
| Hardcore. | ||
| That was fucking awesome. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie. | ||
| I can't believe that movie didn't get as much love as it deserves. | ||
| Yeah, that guy's great. | ||
| Because you know what they didn't do? | ||
| They didn't modernize it at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was zero, there was no modern heroes, no modern... | ||
| Fully. | ||
| Yeah, it was... | ||
| Well, he does a great job. | ||
| He also, that director did The Witch. | ||
| And he did The Lighthouse. | ||
| And he loves making sure everything is like, period. | ||
| I love The Witch too. | ||
| That was a fucking sick movie. | ||
| The Witch was sick. | ||
| And The Lighthouse is pretty bizarre too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he's a fucking sick director. | ||
| His name is escaping me. | ||
| But yeah, I love that shit. | ||
| Robert Eggers. | ||
| Robert Eggers. | ||
| He fucking rules. | ||
| Yeah, he rules. | ||
| He did a fucking fantastic job with the Northmen. | ||
| It was a perfect amount of fantasy and reality and the brutal reality of the way they fought. | ||
| There was nothing unrealistic about it. | ||
| In the beginning when they're just fucking fucking up like women and children. | ||
| You're like, yeah, this is what the Vikings were like. | ||
| That's what they did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's what a lot of fucking people did throughout human history. | ||
| The Mongols did it. | ||
| It's crazy because I've been on a big history kick and I'm reading about like, I was just, you know, I'm on the Trojan War tip a little bit on some Greek. | ||
| I'm reconnecting with my roots. | ||
| A little bit, but I also just... | ||
| You got some badass roots, brother. | ||
| Yeah, ancient Greece. | ||
| The Greeks? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| You come from one of the most important histories in all of the human race. | ||
| No, it's the best. | ||
| It is some wild shit in your country. | ||
| Truly. | ||
| No, it's fucking awesome. | ||
| But you think about... | ||
| I'm also fascinated by medieval times, and you just think about, like... | ||
| All the history that we learn is about like, oh, this king fucked this king up. | ||
| And they always just kind of gloss over like, and you know, the army raided the countryside. | ||
| And it's like, imagine being the fucking assholes on the countryside outside of the city. | ||
| You're outside Athens, you're outside of Troy, whatever. | ||
| You just get fucked, like, every ten years when some asshole, some rich asshole, some guy with water, running water, he gets to fuck, decides he wants to fuck up your town, he just comes through, steals your shit, takes your fucking wife, kills your son, and you just have to, like, now you fucking get turnips for him. | ||
| Or he kills you too. | ||
| It's just like, I think about how fucked up it would have been to just be a peasant that's caught in between this shit. | ||
| And it's like, you're just a piece of property that gets like, who you have to pay taxes to changes every 20 years. | ||
| And every 20 years they come in and just fuck, you know, just fuck, rape everyone, take all your gold. | ||
| Well that was what people liked about Game of Thrones too. | ||
| Like Game of Thrones, they were behaving like we would expect them to behave if they lived in this dimension. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, fully. | ||
| It was brutal and all that kind of shit. | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| There was no, like, heroes. | ||
| There was no unrealistic, modern Marvel movie heroes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everyone was flawed and full of chaos. | ||
| It was just all horrible. | ||
| That's what I love about Greek mythology. | ||
| It's just like, you look at their gods, and you know what a fucked up society was. | ||
| Zeus is the fucking—he's God, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And God—he's just—this just tells you what Greek people are like, because God is a guy who cheats on his wife constantly. | ||
| Like, that's his whole big thing. | ||
| Zeus and Hera are like a fucking sitcom where it's like, oh, honey, like, that kind of... | ||
| He's just like, oh, don't get mad at me. | ||
| And he just sneaks out and, like, takes the form of a swan and fucks a woman. | ||
| And then, like, comes back. | ||
| And she's like, were you getting pussed? | ||
| And he's like, no. | ||
| You know, it's just like, that was our god. | ||
| Like, the main god, he couldn't stop getting side pussy. | ||
| That's what our ancient society was built on. | ||
| He would become a bull and just see a cow that looked hot. | ||
| He wouldn't even just fuck people, he would fuck hot animals. | ||
| And that's like the cornerstone of Greek mythology. | ||
| All the heroes, half the heroes are people that Zeus just fucked. | ||
| Where do you think those stories came from? | ||
| Where do you think the stories of, you know, obviously they were told for so long before anybody wrote them down. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Where do you think they came from? | ||
| I think, I mean, just like everything else, it's like you, it's people trying to make sense of a crazy and chaotic world. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And it's just like, people are just like, that's, I think they just lived in a society where that's, that's what their rulers were like. | ||
| So that's what Zeus was going to be like. | ||
| That's what makes people join cults. | ||
| That's what makes people woke. | ||
| That's what makes people everything. | ||
| You want to make sense. | ||
| You want to put order to things. | ||
| And I will say, I like Greek mythology because it's really like, it's just interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so fascinating. | ||
| And how many different fucking gods and shit did they have? | ||
| How many gods were there? | ||
| The main ones, there was 12 main gods of Mount Olympus, but it was like, there's demigods and like half, you know, and like, It's lesser gods and there's like hundreds and it's like it's this thing of like that's what I really like is that Greek mythology it's like you know monotheism it's pretty straightforward it's kind of boring you know what I mean it's like there's one God sometimes you know there's three of you know what I mean the Holy Spirit the Jesus all that kind of shit but it's like polytheism is fucking sick because it's like there's just a God of fucking getting fucked | ||
| up It's just a god that's like Dionysus. | ||
| He was the god of having a good-ass time. | ||
| That guy fucking rules, dude. | ||
| That was my guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, there's like a hunter god. | ||
| Athena is this interesting, like, she's the goddess of wisdom. | ||
| Who's the hunter god? | ||
| Fuck, what the fuck? | ||
| I'm blanking on her. | ||
| It's a woman, though. | ||
| But there's like, you know, Aries, obviously, Aries, the god of war. | ||
| They had a lot of badass female gods. | ||
| Yeah, Athena, Artemis, that's right. | ||
| Artemis, in Greek religion, is the goddess of wild animals, the hunt and vegetation, and of chastity and childbirth. | ||
| She was identified by the Romans with Diana. | ||
| Artemis was the daughter of Zeus and Leto. | ||
| And the twin sister of Apollo. | ||
| Yeah, that's the other thing. | ||
| Zeus fucked like every goddess and just made other goddesses. | ||
| And like, Athena, just came out of his head. | ||
| So that's the interesting thing. | ||
| It's like she was all his, the wisdom of God was just like, came out of his head and now it's just all into one lady. | ||
| It's so fascinating. | ||
| Have you ever heard of Brian Murrow Rescue in the book called The Immortality Key? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's an amazing book. | ||
| And this guy dedicated like more than a decade of his life to studying ancient Greece and the use of psychedelics in wine. | ||
| Oh hell yeah. | ||
| And they've opened up a field of study at Harvard because of this. | ||
| Because of this guy's work. | ||
| He's a legitimate scholar and dedicated his time to this. | ||
| And he's like a straight-edge guy. | ||
| He doesn't do drugs. | ||
| He's got some guys like, dude, what if they were getting fucked up, man? | ||
| That's me. | ||
| That's the fucking source of it all, bro! | ||
| Now this guy's like a legit guy. | ||
| Professor Rogan. | ||
| I mean, fucking what I heard. | ||
| Eddie Bravo told me. | ||
| But these guys found these ancient wine vessels that contained psychedelic compounds. | ||
| So they found residue of ergot and a bunch of other stuff. | ||
| So when they drank wine, they didn't just drink wine. | ||
| They were tripping balls. | ||
| They drank wine with LSD in it, basically. | ||
| I think that's probably... | ||
| So the guy I was talking about, Dionysus, the god of just... | ||
| Getting fucked up. | ||
| They would have these huge festivals and they would have huge parties and literally orgies off wine and I'm sure they were drinking. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Because they're coming up with all these satyrs and they're coming up with wood nymphs and mermaids and all this kind of shit. | ||
| And it's like, was it a mermaid or was some guy drinking mushroom wine and he fucked a seal? | ||
| He's like, no, no, she was hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was so fucking hot. | |
| It was a goddess, bro. | ||
| He just dug a hole in some sand and beat off into it. | ||
| He was like, yeah. | ||
| She wasn't much of a kisser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking along the way. | |
| Yeah, the head wasn't that great. | ||
| But the pussy. | ||
| They're like, shake dude, that's awesome. | ||
| What animal has a human being not tried to fuck? | ||
| There is not. | ||
| I bet dudes have fucked crocodiles. | ||
| Crocodile where? | ||
| 100% is a guy who fucked a crocodile just to show you he could do it. | ||
| Maybe that's true. | ||
| One guy just lassoed a crocodile. | ||
| It doesn't seem very appealing. | ||
| Held it down, got hard, tied it off with a rope. | ||
| His dick like he's doing heroin? | ||
| Just to keep it hard? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just to keep it hard. | |
| Made a homemade cock ring out of fucking animal skins, cinched it down, and fucked that crocodile. | ||
| And became the chief of his village. | ||
| Yeah, you want to show people you're the boss. | ||
| Some tribes, they have to kill a lion to show that they've become a man. | ||
| It's like part of a coming-of-age ritual. | ||
| They've got to kill a lion with a fucking spear. | ||
| Dude! | ||
| Those guys would fuck a crocodile. | ||
| Just to show you an ostrich. | ||
| You gotta catch an ostrich, and then you gotta fuck it. | ||
| Fuck an ostrich pussy? | ||
| It's not even a pussy, they got a cloacal. | ||
| That's what I was gonna say. | ||
| I feel like it's all too spiny. | ||
| It's shit and eggs. | ||
| It's everything in there. | ||
| I'm good, dude. | ||
| You gotta do it. | ||
| You gotta show everybody who the boss is. | ||
| One time in college, we had a friend who we tried to convince him to fuck a horse. | ||
| He was the horniest guy I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| He was insane, dude. | ||
| I won't put him on blast. | ||
| I won't give any more details, but if you went to UMBC and you went with me, you know who we're talking about here. | ||
| He had an old lady who was his neighbor, and she just came over to borrow a cup of sugar. | ||
| He was like 17, and he was talking about how he would beat off thinking about fucking this old lady. | ||
| He was a fucking lunatic. | ||
| And we were like, yo dude, would you fuck an animal? | ||
| And he was like, nah, nah, nah. | ||
| And then he was like, what kind of animal? | ||
| And then we were just... | ||
| We were clearly just fucking around. | ||
| And then we were like, what about... | ||
| And then one of our friends lived on a farm. | ||
| And he was like, we have a horse in my farm. | ||
| And the guy was like, I'm not fucking a horse. | ||
| And then a minute later, he's like, what does a horse pussy look like? | ||
| So then we're just... | ||
| We're in the fucking dorms Googling horse pussy on Google Image. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And honestly, we found a pretty nice pic. | ||
| And he was like, hmm. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then he was like, I don't think so. | ||
| We're like, what if we give you a hundred bucks? | ||
| He's like, nah, nah. | ||
| We're like, what about $400? | ||
| And he was like... | ||
| All right, I'll do it. | ||
| And then the guy whose horse it was was like, wait, you want to fuck the horse? | ||
| He was like, no. | ||
| It wasn't even the guy who was going to fuck the horse that backed out. | ||
| It was the guy who owned the horse. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want that to happen to your horse. | ||
| The horse will never trust you again. | ||
| Well, she was on her way out, apparently. | ||
| It was an old horse. | ||
| Did you ever see Zoo? | ||
| The documentary Zoo? | ||
| No. | ||
| Zoo is about this community of people that met online. | ||
| And they found that there's a few states where it's legal to fuck animals. | ||
| And one of them was Washington State. | ||
| And they all got together, and they met at this place where there's hundreds of hours of footage of them getting fucked by horses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Yes. | ||
| And one guy died. | ||
| Oh, is that Mr. Hands? | ||
| Mr. Hands. | ||
| Of course, the legend. | ||
| Yeah, so that guy died. | ||
| You've seen the video, right? | ||
| R.I.P. Mr. Hands, of course. | ||
| It's one of the greatest videos in the history of the internet. | ||
| Me and Brian Redman were going back and forth, and he was sending me horrible things, and then he sends me this one that says, I win, and it's Mr. Hands. | ||
| I was like, this is the craziest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Dude, actually, I think that's how the horse... | ||
| Conversation started, because I saw that video in college with this group of guys. | ||
| It was probably like, well, I wouldn't get fucked by a horse, obviously, but would you fuck a horse's pussy? | ||
| And I think that's maybe how we got there. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It's a crazy documentary, because it's sort of a docudrama, right? | ||
| They kind of recreate stuff. | ||
| I see. | ||
| Just for entertainment. | ||
| It's enough when they do interviews and stuff, and it's enough for you to get a sense of what was going haywire with these humans that they decided that this was their thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| People can find a thing. | ||
| I'm into collecting stamps. | ||
| They find a thing. | ||
| It happens to be a fucking sloth pussy. | ||
| Some people just want to get fucked by horses. | ||
| That's a thing. | ||
| Somebody just wants to suck a koala's dick. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| But there's people like that out there, for whatever reason. | ||
| They want to fuck animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that is the closest thing we have to like a Greek slur is like, you know, goat fucker or sheep fucker or something like that. | ||
| Well, there had to be a lot of that going on with those herders. | ||
| You're out there with no women for fucking months taking care of these sheep. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to give it a whirl. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You're going to give it a whirl. | ||
| They're fluffy. | ||
| They're cute. | ||
| Seems the right height, too. | ||
| Everything's lining up. | ||
| Like, God meant this for me. | ||
| Yeah, Zeus did it. | ||
| Zeus could fuck sheep. | ||
| Why not me? | ||
| Why not me, bro? | ||
| It's in the Bible. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Look at those fatties. | ||
| Yeah, listen. | ||
| That doesn't look that bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guarantee. | |
| I guarantee. | ||
| No ifs, ands, or buts. | ||
| Guys that fuck sheep. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's 100%. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| They're fucking sheep right now. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| So what about a monkey? | ||
| That's a harder... | ||
| Too unpredictable. | ||
| Remember Chappelle's bit? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had a great bit about that. | |
| You know how hard it is to fuck a monkey? | ||
| yeah yeah he gets it he just pictured that thing go on you biting your dick nice oh my god classic a monkey would That's the thing, too unpredictable. | ||
| Yeah, too unpredictable. | ||
| What about a coyote? | ||
| Anybody ever fuck a coyote? | ||
| Maybe one guy, one hard-ass fucking Texas Ranger back in the day on a bat. | ||
| It would need to be two generations of domestication. | ||
| No, you lasso them. | ||
| You lasso them again? | ||
| You and the lasso. | ||
| The crocodile and the fucking coyote. | ||
| They made a lasso for a reason. | ||
| The fucking coyotes. | ||
| A lot of fucking animals. | ||
| You gotta hold on to them. | ||
| I guess you're right. | ||
| Yeah, I never thought of it. | ||
| Why they invented the lasso? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Ride on one animal and catch the other one with it. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And then whether or not you're doing it to fuck it, I think that's more like a bet. | ||
| That's up to you. | ||
| That's like a bet or to prove a point. | ||
| I don't think that's like why they invented the lasso. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But I do think it was probably used. | ||
| It was used, for sure. | ||
| In the fucking of all animals in all history, what percentage of them involve lassos? | ||
| More than 10. I would say more than... | ||
| I don't know, because... | ||
| Because you got to think, when the lasso was invented, you could buy some pussy at the saloon. | ||
| Well, let's find out when the lasso was invented. | ||
| Oh, this is good. | ||
| We got to get to the bottom of this. | ||
| Let's take a guess. | ||
| And then we just saw those delicious sheep pussies. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No lasso needed for those. | ||
| Yeah, they'll probably stay... | ||
| They'll probably push back. | ||
| You just get them up against a cliff. | ||
| Isn't that the idea? | ||
| They would just back them to a cliff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, hey. | |
| While you're there. | ||
| You teach your sheep to throw it back? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Give them treats. | ||
| You want a carrot or not? | ||
| Without question, dude. | ||
| You're gonna work for this fucking sugar cube. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure! | |
| For sure! | ||
| Sugar cube! | ||
| Oh, it's perfect! | ||
| What's up? | ||
| You got a guess? | ||
| Lasso. | ||
| I'm gonna say 1500s. | ||
| Lasso. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| What do you think? | ||
| That's probably way earlier than that, because they rode horses before that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's a problem. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What are we thinking here? | ||
| 1100s. | ||
| I'm going to say 1100s. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you say? | |
| That makes sense. | ||
| The steppe, the Turkic people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was probably before that. | ||
| I'll say 1200s. | ||
| Two answers to this. | ||
| 1280 BC, there's images of a pharaoh holding a lasso, holding onto a bull. | ||
| But the Huns used... | ||
| The Huns, baby. | ||
| ...lassos to ensnare opponents in hand-to-hand battle. | ||
| Oh, that makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In around 370 AD. Wow. | ||
| They used it for people first. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| They probably raped them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They probably did everything. | ||
| But those people must have been on horses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if they were on horses, how'd they get the horse? | ||
| The person using it was on a horse probably and stopped them from running away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| But I'm saying, how'd they get the horse in the first place? | ||
| I think that's probably lassos. | ||
| Horses were wild. | ||
| Thinking about it now, a lasso's probably been invented for ancient times. | ||
| They probably had five or six of them and people held on until they could slow the horse down because they didn't have a horse to ride the lasso. | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
| So, going back to our original question, though. | ||
| Is it really an original question? | ||
| I think it was like, how many animals have people fucked? | ||
| That was the original question. | ||
| The lasso. | ||
| I think a lasso hasn't been used. | ||
| I think most of it, I think most animal fucking is a matter of convenience. | ||
| I think most animal fucking is also after murder. | ||
| Like, we already killed it. | ||
| Now it's definitely not going to push back. | ||
| You can't eat the asshole. | ||
| It's definitely not going to kick me. | ||
| You think someone cleaned it all out, took the steaks off, and just left the ass? | ||
| And used it like a little proto-pocket pussy? | ||
| If you're trying to fuck a deer and it kicked you, you could get ruined for the rest of your life. | ||
| Great point. | ||
| You gotta be careful back then. | ||
| There's no doctors. | ||
| There's no doctors. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, if you were trying to fuck an animal, you were taking a big risk. | ||
| Which respect? | ||
| Thinking of it now, respect to the guys in antiquity that were fucking animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a fucking... | ||
| Because you got hurt. | ||
| Even if you just got scratched. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You can get some horrible staph infection. | ||
| Bacteria? | ||
| Forget about it. | ||
| So many fucking people die. | ||
| Dustin Poirier is in the hospital right now from a staph infection. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Him and Connor are going back and forth about it on Instagram. | ||
| That's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Conor got mad because I said that his piss looked like it could melt the USADA cup, and he said it looks like my piss could melt the USADA cup too. | ||
| And he's correct. | ||
| Yeah, you're not fighting. | ||
| Conor, I'm not hating. | ||
| You look great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And by the way, he does have a legitimate reason for doing whatever the fuck he's doing, even if he's doing nothing. | ||
| He broke his leg. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| I had talked to this guy, Derek, from More Plates, More Dates. | ||
| We were discussing what's involved in trying to heal a broken bone like that. | ||
| And he's like, it is really hard. | ||
| And it's very hard for people to come back because that bone always has the potential to be weaker. | ||
| You've got screws in it now on a plate. | ||
| He said the only way it makes it better, apparently, is if they put a rod through the entire bone, then it'll actually be stronger. | ||
| But that could compromise your movement. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And also, it takes fucking forever to heal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I get it, Connor. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, the thing is... | ||
| That's Dustin's foot. | ||
| Oh, what the fuck? | ||
| Staph infection. | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| And apparently, he said it's actually looking worse. | ||
| Even though they have him on all these antibiotics, he's not responding to it. | ||
| I'd rather look at the horse's pussy again. | ||
| Staff infections scare the shit out of me. | ||
| Take care of your skin, kids. | ||
| Get yourself some defense soap. | ||
| If you're a grappler, in particular, if you do MMA or anything like that, please get yourself some defense soap. | ||
| It's a natural antibiotic soap. | ||
| It's probiotic. | ||
| It's good for the healthy bacteria in your skin, but it kills things like staph and stuff that's going to get you sick. | ||
| They have a whole bunch of products, but they have soaps, and it's great soap. | ||
| It's got like tea tree oil and eucalyptus oil. | ||
| It's all natural. | ||
| It doesn't fuck up your natural skin flora. | ||
| But when I learned about that stuff, I'd gotten staph twice. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| It's staph scary, man. | ||
| I guess because of all the grappling and shit. | ||
| Thank God to my friend Tate. | ||
| He's the one who pointed it out. | ||
| I was wearing shorts and he saw my calf and we were at the airport and he goes, what's going on in your calf? | ||
| I go, it looked like little zits all over the place. | ||
| I go, nothing. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| And he goes, dude, I think that's staph. | ||
| He caught it early? | ||
| Right away. | ||
| Good, damn. | ||
| Ari got staph. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Just having sex? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He got it on his penis? | ||
| He got it in a parking lot. | ||
| No, he had it on his knee. | ||
| Ari was doing jujitsu for a while. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| He got it on his knee and we were playing pool and he was limping around. | ||
| I go, why are you limping? | ||
| Playing pool. | ||
| He goes, oh, I got a fucking spider bite. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| I go, let me see it. | ||
| He pulls his pants up. | ||
| I go, dude. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I unscrewed my cue. | ||
| I go, we got to go to the hospital right now. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| He goes, are you serious? | ||
| I go, right now we gotta go to the hospital. | ||
| I go, that's a staph infection. | ||
| And it's bad. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| And so he immediately had to get on antibiotics. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| If he didn't know and he let it go, it would've got way worse. | ||
| And then you can get sepsis, which is like your blood can get poisoned. | ||
| Dangerous shit, man. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| So imagine those fucking people fucking animals. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, one little ancient fucking sheep hoof bacteria. | |
| Right, and if they bit you, oh, you're done. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| Whatever fuck they got in their mouth is in your bloodstream now. | ||
| Salute to my ancient Greek ancestors, and maybe modern Greek. | ||
| Anything you get bit by. | ||
| I get the worst thing to get bit by is the Komodo dragon, right? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Because they have like that nasty fucking alien saliva that's got toxins in it. | ||
| Paralyzes you and poisons you. | ||
| Botulism. | ||
| They have funk in their mouth and they have a venom. | ||
| It's like they're just toxic. | ||
| And then they'll just eat you slowly. | ||
| They'll swallow you whole. | ||
| You ever seen them swallow a deer whole? | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Dude, you get Komodo dragon- Oh, better yet. | ||
| Komodo dragon swallows baboon whole. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| This one's fucked up. | ||
| This is awesome. | ||
| I love- This thing is chucking back- This thing has got its legs all fucked up and it's chucking them back whole. | ||
| Let's watch it. | ||
| I love- It's so- They're so scary, man. | ||
| This is great. | ||
| You go on YMH and I watch gay porn. | ||
| And now I go here and I watch a baboon get swallowed whole. | ||
| Bro, swallowed whole. | ||
| The thing is, like, there's a bunch of them when they're swallowing deer, too. | ||
| And the deer or the antelope, whatever the fuck it is, it's like three-quarters of the size of their body. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| It's fucking wild, dude. | ||
| This fucking monster. | ||
| It's a legitimate modern-day monster. | ||
| Look at this motherfucker. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| He's still fucking moving! | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| So he's got this monkey by the neck. | ||
| We don't need the music. | ||
| He's got this poor monkey by the neck. | ||
| This fucker is moving his jaw. | ||
| You're fucked, bro. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's just slowly crushing this monkey's neck and head. | ||
| Oh, somebody's left his golf shoes? | ||
| Look at the size of this thing, man. | ||
| Dude, that sucks. | ||
| Look at the size of this thing. | ||
| And the other one's trying to steal it. | ||
| Give me a piece, bro. | ||
| And they're just tailing it, tearing it apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no! | |
| Okay, this is not the same one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the tail is moving! | |
| He's still alive! | ||
| He's still alive, man. | ||
| He's just literally getting pulled apart. | ||
| He's still alive. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that sucks. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| They are so scary, dude. | ||
| Okay, that looks like a baboon. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| That's a baboon. | ||
| That poor baboon and his little red nuts. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| They're so scary, these fucking things. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| You know what fucks me up, though, about these videos? | ||
| Like, how convenient that you manage to be two feet away while this baboon got ahold of... | ||
| Did you push that fucking baboon towards that thing? | ||
| They definitely did, right? | ||
| They definitely did. | ||
| Or they just have a camera set up. | ||
| Look at the saliva, man. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| The saliva that comes out of their mouth. | ||
| Look at all that funk. | ||
| Oh, they're so gross, man. | ||
| That is fucking disgusting. | ||
| Yeah, oh my god, his fucking shoulder's all fucked. | ||
| Yeah, see this guy filming it up close? | ||
| Oh, fuck, dude. | ||
| Look at the slime. | ||
| Truly disgusting. | ||
| The slime leaking out of his mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bro, look at that thing! | ||
| He's getting in his kayak! | ||
| Oh, dude, you're so fucked. | ||
| You are so fucked. | ||
| That thing's climbing in the kayak with you? | ||
| They're only in that little island, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I think there's a couple islands. | ||
| Is there more than one island or just that one? | ||
| There's a couple islands in that area that have that. | ||
| How many different islands have the Komodo dragon on them? | ||
| I thought they were just in one. | ||
| Yeah, I think primarily in one. | ||
| But yeah, they definitely look like, they feel like a monster. | ||
| They're the biggest, there's a thing called island dwarfism, where like elephants, when they come out of place, they get small. | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| Few Indonesian islands of the lesser Sunda group, including Rincha, Padar, and Flores, and of course the island of Komodo, the largest, 22 miles long. | ||
| They have not been seen on the island of Padar since the 1970s. | ||
| That island of Flores is where those hobbit people live. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| The little other ones? | ||
| Yeah, those little tiny people used to live. | ||
| Oh, are they the ones that killed a missionary or whatever the fuck? | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| Did they? | ||
| Is that a story? | ||
| No, it's the Sentinel Island people. | ||
| Oh, you're thinking of North Sentinel Island. | ||
| No, that's in the Indian Ocean. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's the people that lived alongside of human beings like 100,000 years ago. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And they're these little tiny people that were like three feet tall. | ||
| Damn hell yeah. | ||
| And they had tools and weapons and shit. | ||
| They were just little hobbits. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| So that's that island dwarfism thing. | ||
| In islands, for whatever reason, I guess because there's limited resources, elephants get smaller, mammals get smaller, deer get smaller, but lizards get bigger. | ||
| Whoa, that sucks. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That has to keep the population in check. | |
| So that's why the island of Komodo has these fucking things with the biggest lizards on earth on an island. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Get the lizards out of there. | ||
| Go in there. | ||
| You get to feel fucking tall. | ||
| Stranded divers had to fight off Komodo dragons to survive. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| The divers who went missing off Indonesia were forced to beat off deadly Komodo dragons with the lead weights of their diving belts as they were repeatedly attacked. | ||
| One of the survivors disclosed last night, Can you imagine all you got is the weights on your diving belt and you have to whack a Komodo dragon with it? | ||
| What does it say here? | ||
| They spent 10 hours stuck in shark-infested waters. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Oh my god, have been swept away and spun around for 10 hours in shark-infested waters. | ||
| They reached the beach on a remote island at nightfall, only to find it was inhabited by Komodo dragons, the world's largest and most deadly lizards. | ||
| Well, at least we'll get a nice night's rest on this island. | ||
| This is a great movie. | ||
| Did all of them live? | ||
| There was a woman with them? | ||
| A Swedish woman who was with the group told how she fought off a terrifying reptile three times with her weight belt! | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Used by divers to maintain their buoyancy underwater, the 10-foot carnivorous predator came within inches of biting her bare feet. | ||
| It chewed on the lead in the belt before finally retreating as the divers threw rocks at its head. | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I tried to have a go at my feet. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Holy fuck, dude. | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I'm fucked. | ||
| Those things are so scary. | ||
| There's so many animals on this planet that just don't give a fuck about people and that are ready to eat you. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a fucking city motherfucker. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| I like going on a hike, but I don't want to be alone with any kind of fucking scary-ass animal. | ||
| Have you seen the video of that crocodile that has a human body in its mouth and it's swimming underneath this bridge? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| It literally brings it up to these people and shows it to them. | ||
| I'm like, fuck you motherfuckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like literally. | |
| You're next. | ||
| It's like, I think he's trying to show it to us. | ||
| God damn, dude. | ||
| Like the crocodile swims up to where these people are with a person in its mouth. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| It's like, this could be you, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| It is wild. | ||
| These guys are in a boat, and the crocodile, for no reason at all, swims towards them with a human in its mouth. | ||
| Huge flex on the crocodile part. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge flex. | |
| Huge flex. | ||
| I'd like to do this to you. | ||
| I know you're in the boat. | ||
| You guys are up. | ||
| Humanity's up a million to one on animals, but here's one. | ||
| I scored a touchdown. | ||
| Anybody feeling blue? | ||
| Want to go for a dip? | ||
| Want to end it all right now? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Your team is losing, but you have a sick dunk. | ||
| So look, these guys are by this bridge. | ||
| This is one of two videos that I'm aware of. | ||
| But in this one, the crocodile is swimming with this human body. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Swimming up to the people with this human body. | ||
| Look, he's showing it to them. | ||
| That fucking sucks. | ||
| He's looking up at them, and as the bridge goes, he goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| So he's going down the bridge like he's on a fucking runway. | ||
| On a stroll, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's displaying his trophy to all these people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddamn. | |
| He's letting them know that he killed a person. | ||
| It's like, you motherfuckers could be next. | ||
| That's a big fucking crime, too. | ||
| Bro, look at that guy. | ||
| Look at that poor guy, face down. | ||
| That was someone's son. | ||
| That was someone's baby boy. | ||
| They didn't eat him? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| They'll eat him eventually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| But look what he's doing. | ||
| Look at the size of that thing. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Goddamn swimming dinosaur. | ||
| Poor guy. | ||
| And we're so weird, because if crocodiles could kill all of us, if we kill crocodiles and they go, hey, we just kill all the people, then we don't have to worry about people anymore. | ||
| They'd be like, yeah, let's kill the people. | ||
| But with us, we're like, you gotta keep them alive. | ||
| They're a part of the ecosystem. | ||
| If I lived there, I would be like the punisher for crocodiles. | ||
| I would dedicate my every fucking day to killing crocodiles. | ||
| I would just go out there with a fucking spotlight and a shotgun. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I'd just be murking them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everywhere I went, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then some little bird that they eat just overruns the island, but fuck it, dude. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| You got the Crocs. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I'll kill the little birds. | ||
| Yeah, take some photos of them, stuff a few dead ones, and let's end this experiment. | ||
| This fucking blows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| Why do we keep things around that'll kill us? | ||
| The Komodos, truly, they can go. | ||
| Yeah, they can suck my dick. | ||
| I don't fuck with those guys at all. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, you slime-mouthed monsters swallowing baboons whole. | ||
| Show them a video of it swallowing a deer whole. | ||
| Because this is what you've got to see. | ||
| You've got to see how they can just chuck back. | ||
| No, I truly don't fuck with those things. | ||
| I mean, it's so big. | ||
| You watch how big this thing is at its walls. | ||
| It doesn't even make sense. | ||
| Dude, yeah, it's fucked up. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, this poor fucking guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no! | |
| Does this swallow it? | ||
| No, they're eating this deer alive. | ||
| That's fucking atrocious. | ||
| This is awful. | ||
| This is awful. | ||
| Look at its cute little fucking eyes! | ||
| Google Komodo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus, Jamie, what are you trying to do to me? | |
| Google Komodo dragon swallows deer hole. | ||
| Oh my fucking god, dude. | ||
| Well, people who like that with bears, I mean, bears are not much different. | ||
| They're less likely to kill you, but when they do, it's just like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Horrific. | ||
| So here it is. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Okay, so it's got this deer. | ||
| I mean, it's still a hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| See, that thing's already dead. | ||
| It's like a snake with a mouse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look how it does it, though. | ||
| It's even quicker than a snake, though. | ||
| Because it just- Jesus Christ. | ||
| Clamps it down, throws it back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| How disgusting the fucking stomach of that motherfucker is. | ||
| Look at the size of that thing. | ||
| I mean, it ate something that was probably a third of the size of its body. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's walking around right now with the hooves sticking out the front of his mouth because he can't quite swallow it all down. | ||
| Zero gag reflex. | ||
| Eat up to 80% of its body size? | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| 80% of its body size. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| It doesn't even look fat. | ||
| Nah, dude. | ||
| That's a lean guy. | ||
| It just ate a whole deer. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| And he's walking away. | ||
| But he's got a deer in his gut and now he's looking to eat more. | ||
| Dude, what a creep. | ||
| Look at that fucking creep. | ||
| I fucking hate that thing. | ||
| It's so scary that that lives alongside of us in 2022. Yeah. | ||
| That we're just out here. | ||
| Giving a little island. | ||
| We only think of what we see. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We really do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which I like. | |
| We see birds and squirrels and shit. | ||
| I like. | ||
| I don't need to know more. | ||
| I like being dumb as shit and having a good time. | ||
| Let me see my little squirrels. | ||
| Let me see something cute. | ||
| You say you do, but you know too much. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know too much for that to be accurate. | ||
| I'm forgetting. | ||
| I'm getting dumber every day. | ||
| I've spent the last 12 years of my life. | ||
| I was kind of smart, and then I've been doing stand-up for 14 years. | ||
| It's all dick jokes. | ||
| That's all I know now. | ||
| Yeah, but that's smart. | ||
| It's hard to do. | ||
| Smart people can't do it. | ||
| A lot of smart people that can't figure out how to do comedy. | ||
| Sure, it's a skill. | ||
| Definitely it's a skill, but it's a very special skill. | ||
| For a very specific type of fucked up personality. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it's like most janitors are more useful to the world than me. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Not true. | ||
| Not true. | ||
| You're a funny motherfucker. | ||
| You provide people with a good feeling. | ||
| That's super valuable. | ||
| The good feeling is something, for sure. | ||
| It's fucking everything, man. | ||
| Going to a nightclub. | ||
| I've done a lot of shit. | ||
| A lot of fun stuff. | ||
| But going to a nightclub and just making 250 people have a good time is one of the best things on earth. | ||
| It is the best. | ||
| I mean, that's been the fucking... | ||
| I mean, this tour has been really nice. | ||
| I mean, I got really lucky. | ||
| I put my special out. | ||
| And a lot more people started coming out. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| You do the YouTube route. | ||
| YouTube route. | ||
| Live at the Lodge Room. | ||
| Go watch it, everybody. | ||
| Live at the Lodge Room. | ||
| It went fun. | ||
| It did really great. | ||
| I mean, I saw Sam did it. | ||
| Shane did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari's now 4.7 million. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's closing it on five. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He says when he hits six, Kanye's going to apologize. | ||
| I'm so embarrassed that we were joking around back and forth in text, and I didn't even get the reference. | ||
| I was saying, dude, I think your special's gonna hit eight million. | ||
| He goes, no, I think it'll stop at six. | ||
| And I didn't even think he's saying the Holocaust. | ||
| I was like, no, you're selling yourself short. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Idiot. | |
| I'm such a fucking moron. | ||
| I was thinking like a supportive friend and not like a Canadian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| But I'm so pumped for him. | ||
| No, it's awesome. | ||
| It's really good, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari Shfierd Jew, available now on YouTube. | ||
| And so it's been really great, and the tour has been really fun. | ||
| As much as the road can be hard, you're right. | ||
| The actual onstage is the best thing. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It's the best feeling in the world. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| And, you know, arenas are great. | ||
| Theaters are great. | ||
| Everything's great. | ||
| It's all great. | ||
| And comedy clubs are just as great. | ||
| I mean, if I only did a 200-seat room for the rest of my life, it's the fucking best job on earth. | ||
| It really is the best thing to do. | ||
| I'm really excited because I'm trying theaters next year, and it's going well. | ||
| We're selling the Fat Rascal Tour. | ||
| Go fucking buy your tickets. | ||
| I'm all over the place. | ||
| But I have Vermont Comedy Club coming up this week, this next weekend. | ||
| I heard that's a great spot. | ||
| Great spot, dude. | ||
| And it's like, I'm happy because we booked it before my shit blew up. | ||
| So it's like, I would have probably played a bigger room, but I'm like, part of me is like, dude, it'll be fun. | ||
| I love a little room. | ||
| I opened for Bobby there. | ||
| I have great memories there. | ||
| I hooked up with a girl outside there. | ||
| I eat dumplings there. | ||
| It was a great little fucking weekend. | ||
| I can't wait to go back. | ||
| Comedy clubs like that are great. | ||
| Especially when there's no other comedy clubs around. | ||
| So they're really comedy fans that really appreciate it. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It'll be super fun. | ||
| Burlington's a fun little town, too. | ||
| I love Burlington. | ||
| It's cold as fuck. | ||
| That's what keeps people from moving there. | ||
| Because in the wintertime, it gets rough. | ||
| Oh, I can imagine. | ||
| Vermont gets rough. | ||
| I'm hoping there's no fucking snowstorm. | ||
| It's just kind of cute and cold. | ||
| Yeah, but the thing is, people look out for each other when it gets rough. | ||
| It's a different kind of people. | ||
| If your car gets stranded in Maine, people look out for you. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| They'll come help you, get you over the side of the road, give you a ride somewhere. | ||
| They help people. | ||
| Whenever a car's broken down on the highway in the snow in the Northeast, you'll see other cars pull over. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Some guy in a four-wheel drive will pull over. | ||
| You guys okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't do shit like that in LA. No, fuck no. | ||
| They're like, Like, oh, hopefully that guy's up for the same audition and he's not going to make it. | ||
| They'll cut your brake lines between you and him for a Geico commercial. | ||
| They'll wait for you to get a tow truck and they'll steal your catalytic converter. | ||
| It's just too many people. | ||
| And you have a few people and then they have to conquer the winter. | ||
| Together. | ||
| Together, you gotta help the old lady shove herself out of the driveway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| It's cute. | ||
| No, I fuck with Burlington big time. | ||
| I love it up there. | ||
| I haven't been there in fucking years, but I used to do gigs there all the time, back in the early days of comedy. | ||
| For sure, when you're going a few hours from your city. | ||
| Yeah, we used to do those. | ||
| I used to do Bangor, Maine a lot. | ||
| That was a lot of fun. | ||
| That's where Stephen King lived. | ||
| You could go by his house. | ||
| We're standing outside Stephen King's house. | ||
| He's like, I get it. | ||
| This is my house. | ||
| But it's like, it's so obviously his house. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's like bats and shit in the wrought iron metal around the house. | ||
| He's not hiding it at all. | ||
| Leaning into it. | ||
| And he's in the middle. | ||
| It's like right there. | ||
| It's like you could throw a rock and hit his house from the street. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| And I'm like, this is, he's a crazy... | ||
| And everyone just gets it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stephen King lives here. | ||
| Well, it was also like, it's a point of pride. | ||
| Like you got a guy who's like one of the, if not the greatest horror writer of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Look at, that's his house. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| That does look haunted for sure. | ||
| Bro, he wrote some wild shit in that house. | ||
| There are some spirits in that little fucking steeple looking thing. | ||
| Yeah, he wrote some wild shit in that house. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't do too many gigs. | ||
| I would do some Northeast stuff because I used to open for Bobby for years, Bobby Kelly. | ||
| That's my guy. | ||
| I love Bobby. | ||
| Bobby and I started out together. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I used to work with Bobby when he was on with Al and the Monkees. | ||
| The fucking weird little improv troupe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I didn't know that. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| They opened for me at Dick Daugherty's Comedy Hut. | ||
| And it was Al would go, Al Delbeni went up, and then Bobby would go up, and then Dane would go up. | ||
| And they would do sketches, and then they would all do like five minutes of stand-up, and then I would headline. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| We did a few gigs like that. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I love Bobby. | ||
| I've always loved Bobby. | ||
| Oh, he's the man. | ||
| But yeah, he took me to Vermont, you know, Boston a bunch of times. | ||
| Took me to that fucking weird Chinese restaurant that used to do shit, the Kowloon. | ||
| Oh yeah, the Kowloon's great. | ||
| I did a lot. | ||
| I was there when it opened. | ||
| Yeah, I did a lot of gigs at the Kowloon. | ||
| And then there's Giggles. | ||
| You ever do Giggles and Saugas? | ||
| Never did Giggles. | ||
| That's a great club. | ||
| Never did Giggles. | ||
| That's a great club. | ||
| That's my friend Mike Clark's club. | ||
| That's Lenny Clark's brother. | ||
| Okay, nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I worked with Lenny Clark the second time I ever got paid. | ||
| I opened up for Lenny Clark. | ||
| It was like the greatest thing ever. | ||
| He had been on HBO and the Rodney Dangerfield special. | ||
| The local legends, dude. | ||
| Oh my god, he was the guy. | ||
| Those first paid gigs are awesome. | ||
| I remember the first time I ever made money. | ||
| I grew up in Baltimore. | ||
| I started doing comedy. | ||
| I did this fucking bringer, right? | ||
| I'm 19 and I bring all my friends. | ||
| And I fucking, you know, do pretty good because all your friends are there. | ||
| And some guy sees me and he's like... | ||
| I think you really got something, kid. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, really, sir? | ||
| You know, he's just some fucking guy that runs a shitty gig in southwest Virginia, right? | ||
| Five hours away from Baltimore. | ||
| Pays $50. | ||
| I spent more money on gas than to do the fucking gig. | ||
| But I bring my boys. | ||
| I'm so pumped. | ||
| And I'm like, he thinks I'm... | ||
| I'm calling the girl I'm dating. | ||
| I'm like, I think I'm going to fucking be famous anymore. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I think it's finally happening. | ||
| And I saw that guy years later, and I fucking ate my dick. | ||
| I didn't do well. | ||
| I was fucking horrible. | ||
| And I saw that guy years later, and he's like, yeah, dude. | ||
| He was like, fuck, I thought you were going to bring more people. | ||
| I mean, you brought so many people to the contest. | ||
| I was crestfallen. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| You didn't see potential in me? | ||
| I mean, I was doing jokes like, I mean, I need to lose some weight. | ||
| I can't even wipe my own ass. | ||
| Like, just 19-year-old fucking brutal stuff. | ||
| But those gigs where you get a gig out of town, and you're not really qualified to do it, and you're not even at a comedy club, you're at some weird bar, those teach you. | ||
| They're smoking cigarettes indoors at that point. | ||
| But those teach you about comedy, man. | ||
| Well, not only do they teach me about comedy, they tell me about life. | ||
| The end of the story is I come back and I drove with my friends, right? | ||
| I brought two friends with me. | ||
| It was like a fun time. | ||
| We're like, whoa, Stav's got a gig. | ||
| My two best friends. | ||
| We stop on the way back. | ||
| We go to an IHOP, right? | ||
| It's like 1 a.m. | ||
| I order... | ||
| In a Virginia IHOP, at 1am, I order ribs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I order fucking ribs. | |
| And they come out, and my friends are like, you don't want fucking eggs and pancakes? | ||
| I'm like, nah, I kind of feel like ribs. | ||
| The shit comes out, it's gray. | ||
| It's just like a slab of... | ||
| Boiled ribs. | ||
| Just, dude, microwaved, probably. | ||
| And I'm like, ah, fuck it. | ||
| You know, whatever. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| And I eat it, and I'm driving, and I'm like, oh... | ||
| Hey, does somebody else want to drive? | ||
| And it's like, and they're like, okay. | ||
| And then I'm sitting in the, and then like five minutes later, I'm like, can you guys pull over? | ||
| I just start throwing up everywhere. | ||
| I'm in fucking the fetal position for two hours back home. | ||
| They dropped me off at my house in Baltimore. | ||
| I am just shitting and throwing up at the exact same time. | ||
| And that's my first ever paid gig. | ||
| I was like, I did it, baby. | ||
| I did come into getting ribs from IHOP and fucking Nice. | ||
| It was a brutal, you know, a tough learning experience. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I fucking remember very clearly those gigs. | ||
| Those are some of the most important gigs ever when you just go to some weird bar and you have to get everybody's attention. | ||
| You learn how to deliver your jokes quicker. | ||
| Fully. | ||
| Yeah, you learn how to keep people's attention span, and there were so many of them. | ||
| You could actually make a living being nobody. | ||
| Like back then, you'd make like 50 a set, 100 a set, and you could do five, six, seven sets a week. | ||
| You'd have money! | ||
| No, I remember I quit my job, because that was starting to happen to me in Baltimore, and what had happened was I just lined up every gig possible in the first three months, and I was like, well, I can make a living, and then I was like, oh no, I just did every gig for the year. | ||
| So now I'm like back at the... | ||
| I worked at a Sherwin-Williams my last year in Baltimore, but that was fun, too. | ||
| Working at a paint store, fucking... | ||
| But it is true, everywhere you go... | ||
| That's important, too. | ||
| Those shitty jobs? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Shitty jobs are very important as a human being. | ||
| You need to know that you don't want to do something. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| My last real gig, I was a paralegal. | ||
| And I didn't really know what the law firm... | ||
| It was just right before I needed to move to New York. | ||
| And my friend was doing it. | ||
| And this was right in the middle of the housing crisis. | ||
| And I get there, and it's a fucking foreclosure law firm. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't want to fucking be a part of this. | ||
| I don't want to take people's homes because of the housing crisis. | ||
| So I just decided, I was like, fuck it, I'm just not going to do any work. | ||
| I get hired in July. | ||
| They train me for August. | ||
| September rolls around. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| I'm just not really gonna do shit. | ||
| I'm gonna fucking work on comedy. | ||
| I'm on Facebook Messenger. | ||
| I'm gonna write jokes. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I'm thinking I'll get like a month, two months out of this. | ||
| They don't fire me for fucking eight months. | ||
| And I'm just in there like my boss would walk by and I would hit the fucking mouse and my login screen would show up. | ||
| Like I wasn't even logged into the computer to fake work. | ||
| And I was like, I can't, I'm just taking two hour lunches. | ||
| I'm pushing it at this point. | ||
| And I'm just like, how the fuck is this still happening? | ||
| And they fucking call me into the office. | ||
| Finally, one day they call me in. | ||
| And they're like, okay, so we want to talk. | ||
| My boss would be like, hey, do you want to, like, do some work? | ||
| You know, because everyone loved me because I'm not doing work. | ||
| I'm hanging around like, Linda, what's up? | ||
| Like, how's the baby? | ||
| Like, I'm the king of the office, dude. | ||
| I'm just having a good ass time. | ||
| And everyone loved me. | ||
| And I was doing good for the, I think I was moving women's issues forward because I was the shittiest employee and I was the only man. | ||
| I was the only fucking college educated man. | ||
| I was clearly the fucking biggest piece of shit employee. | ||
| I was building the glass ceiling above my head, I feel like. | ||
| And so they call me in. | ||
| They're finally like, hey, so we were running some numbers. | ||
| Apparently they just didn't want to pay unemployment insurance. | ||
| And so they were just tracking me for months. | ||
| And they had like... | ||
| They were just like reading me everything that I had done wrong. | ||
| And they're like, so you've... | ||
| And this was like a factory thing where every time you did anything, you had to click off a step is what they called it. | ||
| So you would schedule a hearing, click off a step. | ||
| You would email a lawyer, click off a step, right? | ||
| Because they wanted to track you. | ||
| And they're like, so we were looking at your steps the last couple of months. | ||
| And people in your department, they usually average about 3,000 steps a month. | ||
| We were looking at you. | ||
| You did about 300 steps. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| They track your steps? | ||
| They do. | ||
| They track everything you do. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| And they were like, so how do you explain that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, ah, you know, I got nothing. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| What are they using to track your steps? | ||
| There's some software where every time you did anything, you would have to check it off to prove that you're a good employee. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, track your steps in terms of your motions on a computer. | ||
| Yeah, no, not on some Amazon... | ||
| I thought you were saying like walking. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Not Amazon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, what? | |
| We weren't there yet. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was just like, how hard are you working? | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I blame the marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I should have followed that. | ||
| No, they were just fucking tracking me and I just wasn't doing shit. | ||
| They were just like, you should be doing 10 times the amount of work that you're doing. | ||
| Well, you know what people were doing when they were doing remote work. | ||
| They installed an app that moved the cursor around. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wild. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Just wild. | ||
| Like, what is that app signing up for? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| You're getting tracked. | ||
| That app sending your fucking passwords to China. | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right now. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Your Facebook now belongs to Moldovia. | ||
| I'm ready for the glorious revolution. | ||
| I wanted to say one other thing. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| I wanted to start the thing, but we started talking about animal pussy. | ||
| I have a... | ||
| It's Christmas time. | ||
| I brought some cookies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| My mom made some fucking cookies. | ||
| You want Jamie? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You guys want a fucking... | ||
| You want to try a cookie? | ||
| You want to try from my girl Lil V, my mom? | ||
| Yeah, but let's not... | ||
| I mean, I'll try it if you want me to. | ||
| I don't like to eat on the air. | ||
| That's fair. | ||
| It's gross for everybody else. | ||
| You're a much better podcaster than me. | ||
| I've done it before. | ||
| People get annoyed. | ||
| Crunch, crunch, crunch. | ||
| But I definitely want to try your mom's cookies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And if you want to try some of Erica's bee pollen. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah, she left us some bee pollen with honey in it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| When she was here yesterday, she actually got that. | ||
| From a beehive. | ||
| That rules. | ||
| My godfather in Greece, he's got a little beehive. | ||
| Seems so exciting. | ||
| He lives real fucking villager style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh shit. | |
| Dude, because it's like Greece, the fucking, like the economy went to shit. | ||
| So it's just like, he literally lives kind of villager shit where it's like him and my godmother moved to The island his family is from, like, historically. | ||
| He's got a little—he gets honey, his friend has fucking moonshine, his other friend has rabbits, and they literally, like, barter and shit, dude. | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| I went to Greece, I visited them, like, four years ago, and it was like, I'm getting fucked up off his friend's moonshine, we're eating fucking rabbit stew that his fucking friend hunted. | ||
| It was just like, they're broke as shit, but they're having a good-ass time in Greece. | ||
| That's nice if you could live like that. | ||
| As long as you have too many people and the resources don't get overrun, you can live like that. | ||
| If you grow your own vegetables and you cook your own food and you can hunt and you can maybe have some animals, that's a nice way to live, man. | ||
| Well, it's a lot of responsibility. | ||
| But it seems very satisfying for people, like the people that I know that are actually farmers or have a small farm. | ||
| It's almost like a spiritual experience. | ||
| It puts you in tune with life and death and how you live and what you eat. | ||
| You're directly responsible for all the food that's in your body, which I think is a normal human requirement. | ||
| There's a thing, if you just get the food from somewhere else, I bet part of you is like, where is this coming from? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You have to like, squash that part of your brain, it's confused. | ||
| Your body's like, what the, this fucking microwave burrito, this is not going to be in our body. | ||
| There's these human reward systems that are inside of us, and I always equate it to like, catching a fish. | ||
| When you catch a fish, there's a fucking feeling when you catch a fish, like, oh shit, there's an excitement. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you catch a fish that I think is primal, and I think it goes back to that meant you feed your family. | ||
| Because back in the day when they first invented fishing, thousands of years ago, that's what it meant. | ||
| They first figured that out. | ||
| So when you get a fish, you're like, we survive. | ||
| It's so much so that people love to catch fish and put them back. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| Just for the rush. | ||
| It's leftover. | ||
| They just fuck with the fish, and they have special hooks, like when they go fly fishing, that are barbless. | ||
| So you don't fuck them up. | ||
| You catch these trout, and you just release them. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, well, I don't think he's thinking of it spiritually. | ||
| He's just the fucking, he's drunk as shit all the time. | ||
| But it is spiritual. | ||
| I know he's not thinking about it that way, but I think there's something about it. | ||
| It's a great life. | ||
| He's also like the criminally, most criminally horny man I've ever met in my life. | ||
| Criminally horny? | ||
| Well, I'm sorry, never said that. | ||
| He's not a priest. | ||
| Just like, aggressively. | ||
| He's just a very horny man, you're right. | ||
| Don't you think that was probably most humans? | ||
| If you look at like testosterone rates in this country, oh, that's what I was gonna say earlier. | ||
| You know James Cameron said that testosterone is a toxin that men need to remove from their bodies? | ||
| James Cameron? | ||
| James Cameron said this. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| But Rob Wolf posted this on his Instagram today in response to that. | ||
| Like, testosterone is the dominant hormone in women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| Women have more estrogen than men, but men have more testosterone than women, but women have more testosterone than they do estrogen. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Estrogen is just what they have more of than us. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I did not know this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Rob Wolf put that on his page today. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| Needed James Cameron. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| James Cameron. | ||
| But the motherfucker can make a movie. | ||
| He, fuck, makes the shit out of a movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But in his movie, there's a lot of fucking aggressive male energy. | |
| Yeah, there's a lot of aggressive female energy. | ||
| Female energy, too. | ||
| Aliens. | ||
| Aliens, yeah. | ||
| Aliens, dollar sign. | ||
| Yeah, that was the one where the aliens were easy to kill. | ||
| Like, in the first one... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The first one, you couldn't fucking come close to killing him. | |
| They were so hard to find. | ||
| There's one, he was so clever. | ||
| And the second one, they're like, and boom, you shotgun him in the face. | ||
| What if that was their commando? | ||
| What if they got the fucking, the first one was just like the fucking most big dick badass fucking one of them, and then it's just a bunch of bumbling dumbasses. | ||
| I would love to see aliens from, it's like a comedy from their perspective, where they're like, ooh. | ||
| Right, the first one was a Navy SEAL, and these guys are just tech nerds. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| A bunch of guys that do the back end for like fucking seamless. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| In their little fucking vests. | ||
| Just getting fucking murked by that hot Latina chick. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| Who's that girl that was in that movie? | ||
| She was the one. | ||
| You like her, right? | ||
| Yeah, I absolutely like her. | ||
| I don't think she was Latina. | ||
| I think I've looked this up. | ||
| She's not? | ||
| I don't believe so. | ||
| She plays a good Latina. | ||
| You can't do that anymore. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| I The lady in Aliens? | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| Who's in Aliens? | ||
| I believe I looked this up when I was horny for her. | ||
| And I believe... | ||
| I want to say she might even be Jewish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I believe so. | ||
| We'll see. | ||
| Jamie will pull this up in any moment. | ||
| The suspense is killing me. | ||
| Good podcasting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Her? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Yeah, dude, I believe she's fucking Jewish. | ||
| She's got big old titties. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie, bro. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie. | ||
| Yeah, there she is. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie. | ||
| And I believe she has a brand of bras for big titted women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does she? | |
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I swear to God. | |
| Jeanette Goldstein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeanette Goldstein. | |
| No, that is the Jewish, most Jewish name ever. | ||
| Jeanette Goldstein, that's hilarious. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, Private Vasquez. | ||
| Oh my god, that is hilarious. | ||
| By the way, I support her right to do that. | ||
| Look up Jeanette Goldstein bras for us. | ||
| Some people are going to get mad at her now because she played a Latina in a movie. | ||
| She was in brownface. | ||
| She got a strong tan. | ||
| The alphabet starts at D. She's got a big-titted... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| She's got a giant bra. | ||
| That's another thing about the algorithm for a while when I was looking at TikToks. | ||
| For a while, it was showing me influencers for big-titted women who were looking for sports bras that'll fit them. | ||
| Because I was looking up so many women with big breasts. | ||
| They were like, well, maybe he's a lady with big tits that needs a bra that works. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I was like, no. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, I forgot to fucking, speaking of sexual things, we're just fucking chatting. | ||
| I wanted to also plug my 2023 erotic calendar. | ||
| Can I show you this right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| That's another part of my modeling career. | ||
| It's part of your hustle. | ||
| Every fucking year I do a different calendar. | ||
| I'm just amazed that people are still making calendars. | ||
| Dude, they love them. | ||
| Do you have any calendars, Jamie? | ||
| Do you own a calendar? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I had a calendar for a while that I used to keep on my office wall. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Stabby baby, calendar for a sexy new year. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Flip through these motherfuckers. | ||
| Let's see the hawks. | ||
| This is my pride and joy. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jack off, you worry. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| How about that squirt timber right there? | ||
| Clitbrary. | ||
| Munch. | ||
| Gabriel. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| You like what you see, Joey? | ||
| These are good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These are good. | |
| You look great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Shout out to my boy, Stefan. | ||
| Stefan Fleming. | ||
| Nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucktober. | ||
| So those are available, folks. | ||
| You can get them now. | ||
| The calendar sells? | ||
| People buying calendars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The calendar sells, dude. | |
| For fun, right? | ||
| For fun. | ||
| Like, you have any cubicle and shit? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You'd probably get fired if you had this in your cubicle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| There's no real... | ||
| You don't show it. | ||
| I do. | ||
| You're smart. | ||
| I don't show cock. | ||
| No, there's no cock in there, right? | ||
| At the very end, there's a photoshopped. | ||
| A little piece of tape. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Put a little piece of tape over that part. | ||
| A friend of mine has a bar outside of town here, and he had this bathroom, and in the bathroom, in the men's room, they put up all these photos from Playboy magazine. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Old, old photos, like magazine covers. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| So it's Playboy covers from like the 60s and the 70s and some cartoons and shit, and people complained. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, men complained that the naked breasts... | ||
| Well, they had kids, maybe. | ||
| Bring your little boy in there to take a leak. | ||
| No, it's like a bar slash restaurant. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's a very nice place. | ||
| But anyway, you go into this place and go in the bathroom and one of their bathrooms was themed in Playboys. | ||
| And so they had to go over all the breasts. | ||
| And put like... | ||
| Put little stickers? | ||
| Little stickers over all the titties. | ||
| Would it come up if you're like an 11-year-old the week before they covered the titties? | ||
| You're like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. | ||
| You're like, oh! | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they'll allow a little bit of side boob. | ||
| A little side boob's nice. | ||
| It seems like as long as you don't see the nipples, it's a crazy thing. | ||
| It's like that one thing defines like, Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| If you just cover the nipple with stars, everyone's cool. | ||
| Everyone's great. | ||
| An X. Breasts are the weirdest fucking thing in that regard. | ||
| It's just something about showing a nipple. | ||
| Showing the nip. | ||
| Remember when Janet Jackson did it at the Super Bowl? | ||
| People were like, what the? | ||
| I know. | ||
| It was fucking wild. | ||
| Who really gives a fuck? | ||
| Let the titties out. | ||
| It's literally where children get food from. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| We should be able to see titties. | ||
| It's at the dinner table. | ||
| What are we doing at the dinner table? | ||
| We're seeing this? | ||
| We're trying to watch the Super Bowl. | ||
| It's wholesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They also set her up. | ||
| Janet Jackson got fucked. | ||
| She was the only one who suffered the consequences. | ||
| Justin Bieber didn't? | ||
| Justin Timberlake was good. | ||
| Oh, Justin Bieber. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| Janet was one of the Justins. | ||
| One of them handsome fellas that's talented. | ||
| Yeah, the last generation's Justin Bieber. | ||
| So they for sure planned that, right? | ||
| You would think so. | ||
| Otherwise, it's kind of illegal. | ||
| I remember looking it up and being like, time to jack off to this. | ||
| Well, if they didn't plan it, it's highly illegal. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| If she didn't know about it, and you did it, that's highly illegal. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You would think. | ||
| So they had a plan. | ||
| And it backfired, and then he was like, oh, this is crazy. | ||
| I thought there was going to be a star underneath there. | ||
| It's fucked. | ||
| I can't believe he got the fuck. | ||
| Didn't they date for a while? | ||
| Did they? | ||
| That's unfair. | ||
| I hope they did after that. | ||
| No, I don't think it was after that. | ||
| Before that? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Maybe that's better. | ||
| Prepare. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't think she was too pleased afterwards. | ||
| She became like a Muslim, I believe. | ||
| Did she? | ||
| Yeah, I believe she wears the full hijab and the whole deal now. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I think she even moved to another country. | ||
| MJ for a while did go... | ||
| Didn't he go, wasn't he like hanging out with Farrakhan for a while? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Like at the end, that's pretty, that's a sick move, Michael Jackson to do. | ||
| Just go back to the fucking, yeah, that's awesome. | ||
| When you're under siege, you know, like at the end of his life, he was under siege. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a... | ||
| You need your boys. | ||
| That's how talented he is, though. | ||
| That people still play his music. | ||
| I know. | ||
| People will give you the stink eye if R. Kelly comes on. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| We were talking about this the other night. | ||
| This friend of mine has a bar, and he had this dope-ass playlist. | ||
| And in that playlist was some R. Kelly. | ||
| His remix to Ignition? | ||
| And some of it he forgot, and he had to go back and remove it. | ||
| Like, oh shit, people got upset at him that it was playing. | ||
| There's a threshold of bangers. | ||
| That you have to cross to be able to let your sexual crimes be, you know. | ||
| But it's also R. Kelly's songs were so sexual. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like, this was written about someone doing algebra homework. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, MJ wasn't doing it. | ||
| His were just good fucking songs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
ABC. It's the easiest one. | |
| One, two, three. | ||
| The clues were all there. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| Well, he was a child then. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| When he's saying that, he was a little boy. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, this is well-trod territory, but that's a guy whose life is the most fucked up of all time. | ||
| Well, it is well-trod territory, but are you aware of the castrata theory? | ||
| The theory that he got his nuts chopped off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did not hear this. | ||
| From his own doctor. | ||
| His doctor says he was chemically castrated. | ||
| The same doctor that killed him by anesthetizing him every night, that same doctor said that he was chemically castrated when he was young. | ||
| And that's how he maintained his voice. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| What's wild is that that was a thing. | ||
| That they used to do that to young boys to get them to sing opera. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Fucking bro. | ||
| And being a eunuch and shit, that's more history shit. | ||
| It's like, if your shit wasn't going so good, you're lower class, it's like, chop your dick off and I can trust you around my wife. | ||
| Yeah, because you can hang around the house. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, damn, I don't know if I would have made that trade. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| That's that super creepy guy in Game of Thrones. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, Varys. | ||
| Fucking conniving little dickless wonder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Out there trying to run the world. | ||
| You don't want that guy around. | ||
| They're probably more like him than they were like obedient. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| They're probably angry as fuck. | ||
| You took their dick away. | ||
| I wonder... | ||
| All they get is free fruit? | ||
| Yeah, free fruit. | ||
| I wonder if you could still bust from your ass? | ||
| It's the fact that you even wonder. | ||
| You gotta figure it out. | ||
| I guess if you massage the stump while your finger and your butt... | ||
| Because they don't take the prostate out, right? | ||
| The prostate's still there. | ||
| How does the jizz come out? | ||
| It probably comes out the most disappointing looking like... | ||
| It's a dribble. | ||
| It's like soft serve ice cream. | ||
| Yeah, when the machine's down. | ||
| It's probably so sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Syrupy. | |
| The saddest nut you'll ever bust. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I wonder if castratos could bust through their ass. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I wonder if they kept their penis, but they just removed their testicles. | ||
| That's more likely is what they did. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| With Unix, I don't know how they handled it. | ||
| I think they might have just the whole thing. | ||
| The whole thing's got to go. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
| Pissing from the little hole. | ||
| Oh, that sucks. | ||
| Give him a little dick. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| The whole thing is so terrifying that that was a common practice. | ||
| Or at least common enough that we know of it. | ||
| I think it was pretty common. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because in all the history podcasts and books and shit, there's a lot of fucking eunuchs running around. | ||
| And that's one of the things that throughout history people did to people in war. | ||
| Cut their dick off, stuff it in their mouth. | ||
| That's a tough one. | ||
| You got your own dick in your mouth as you're watching the axe come down. | ||
| That's gotta be a special kind of horror. | ||
| That's what it pays to have a little penis. | ||
| I'll put it under my tongue like a Tic Tac. | ||
| You could spit your dick back out at him. | ||
| What do you got to lose at that point? | ||
| So we talk about like declining sperm counts and how they're happening right now. | ||
| Like there's all these studies done on men's sperm counts since like the 1950s. | ||
| Rapid decline. | ||
| If you go back in history, doesn't it make sense that they would go up and up and up? | ||
| Like I think when it was really hard to stay alive, I think people were probably ultra hyper horny. | ||
| Because you only had a small window. | ||
| As long as you had food, where you had enough food so you weren't starving, you're probably super horny. | ||
| Because they're probably wilder people. | ||
| But at the same time, you're probably so fucking overworked. | ||
| That too. | ||
| I think it's probably the way height goes in society, where it's like, the more nourished you are, I think there's probably, we hit a point where it's like, we have the most comforts, we have the most nourished, and we're kind of like, you know, not as overworked. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I think that's probably, just, you know, fully have no fucking clue, like I said. | ||
| No, that makes sense. | ||
| But it makes sense that you're saying it with resources. | ||
| But if there was like a resource-rich area... | ||
| Say if there was an area where people were hunter-gatherers and they grew some food and they all did like your uncle does in Greece and they all lived off the land. | ||
| They all took pictures of women's breasts with their Motorola flip phone, too? | ||
| They're well-nourished, but they're people that are living 1,000, 2,000 years ago. | ||
| They probably were horny as fuck. | ||
| There's probably like a, I would say a slim majority that is the horniest guys of all time. | ||
| All time. | ||
| But I think most of them are just so beaten down by how fucking atrocious their lifestyle is that it's like, you know. | ||
| Yeah, that's true too. | ||
| But the young guys who aren't beaten down yet, they gotta be the most horrific. | ||
| And at the same time, when you're so beaten down, what do you have if not busting a nut? | ||
| Killing people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Killing people and eating roast lamb. | ||
| But the guys that didn't get to kill. | ||
| The guys that are fucking getting killed and fucking, you know. | ||
| Which is most guys. | ||
| Most guys are just fucking chaffing wheat or whatever the fuck for the fucking emperor or the fucking whoever the fuck is. | ||
| And if you live in a super brutal, horrible place, good luck inventing anything. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We talk about time off. | ||
| It's like they had their time off was the fucking Sunday because they got to go to church and see the full circle, go to the fucking priests, you know, blinged out, just fucking hang. | ||
| And that was very interesting. | ||
| I read a book about the medieval times where it's like church was just honestly, people were just hanging out. | ||
| Like it was kind of like a bar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Social dwelling. | |
| It was like social, yeah. | ||
| The priest was reading shit, but no one could really understand. | ||
| They didn't know Latin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They were just fucking hanging out. | ||
| It's kind of interesting because it was like, it makes sense. | ||
| What year did they make it so the Catholic priest had to take a vow of chastity? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Let's find that out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guarantee that was in response to them banging everybody. | |
| I guarantee you. | ||
| I still think it's because they wouldn't have to pay the equivalent of child support. | ||
| I don't think they... | ||
| That's too complicated a scheme. | ||
| I think more likely is they had to put a stop to these guys banging everybody. | ||
| But see, would that put a stop to it? | ||
| Couldn't they still keep getting... | ||
| I think they probably did it in those fucking confession booths. | ||
| That was probably their idea. | ||
| That's how it started? | ||
| The first glory hole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
In between, open that fucking door, give it all the old stuff. | |
| How many of those were glory holes? | ||
| A hundred of them. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I'm back in on the Catholic Church. | ||
| If you can find me artifacts of glory holes, I'm in. | ||
| I used to do a joke about it. | ||
| Like, imagine the idea where you take a guy who's not allowed to masturbate or have sex ever. | ||
| Then you make him listen to fuck stories whispered through a hole in the wall. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Because that's mostly what people confess. | ||
| There's a couple of murders, but it's a lot of fuck my brother. | ||
| It's a lot of crazy stuff. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You're dealing with people that, you know, 2,000 years ago, they're fucking animals, man. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Animals. | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| Wild people. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| It's all like fucking Game of Thrones shit. | ||
| They're all just doing- I fucked the servant. | ||
| The servant sucked me off. | ||
| Yeah, they're fucking everybody. | ||
| They killed a guy with an axe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Stole an apple. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That kind of shit. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Bro, imagine watching someone get hacked to death when you're a child. | ||
| That's a normal thing to see. | ||
| You're seven years old. | ||
| You see a guy lose a sword fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's normal. | |
| His head falls down, blood squirting out of his neck like a fire hydrant. | ||
| And that guy who was, in your mind, ancient, he's like 20 years old. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| They died so fucking soon. | ||
| So fucking soon. | ||
| Although I do wonder... | ||
| Other shit I'm reading is like some of the shit, especially in like cities and stuff like that, it wasn't as brutal and like... | ||
| Like we do have like a barbaric... | ||
| Certainly that happened a lot, but there was also like... | ||
| I think a little bit of how dirty and shit it was is a little overblown too, but I'm interested in that. | ||
| I think there was a high level of sophistication in comparison to a lot of other cultures back then, but in terms of us today, I bet we would be shocked by how savage they behave. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think they're probably both intelligent and savage. | ||
| I mean, Marcus Aurelius' Meditations is like, still to this day, one of the most interesting books on philosophy and the way a guy lives his life ever. | ||
| That motherfucker wrote that as the Roman Emperor 2,000 years ago. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| What did he see? | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| What kind of shit did that guy see? | ||
| Yeah, what a fucking nerd. | ||
| You get to be the emperor, you're fucking doing homework? | ||
| I'm in the harem, brother. | ||
| He's talking about forgiveness. | ||
| He's talking about, like, forgiveness is one of the things that he talks about a lot. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, and about managing your mind and stoicism. | ||
| It's very interesting, man. | ||
| Yeah, I listened to an audio version of it and the song and I felt like such a pussy. | ||
| This guy's writing this from this incredible position of strength thousands of years ago and his advice to people was to learn how to be more charitable and to be nicer and kinder to each other and to forgive people. | ||
| That's a radical stance for a leader of a fucking empire. | ||
| He was trying to legitimately be a better person, seemed like, and lead by example. | ||
| But then he had this son that was a monster. | ||
| Yeah, that's how it happens. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| That's always how it happens. | ||
| His son is a fucking evil monster. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't gotten into too much Roman shit yet. | ||
| I'm still in the Greek shit. | ||
| Dude, all of it is... | ||
| Go piss, my brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go piss. | |
| I've been holding it. | ||
| I'm having a great time. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I don't want it to end. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| All right, we'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| - Comedians that don't get good at podcasts is 'cause they're not really listening to you. - They're waiting for their turn. | ||
| - Yeah, they're waiting for their turn, and that doesn't, you know, that doesn't work. | ||
| That fuckin', when comedians do podcasts where they don't actually listen to what the other person's saying. - Oh yeah. | ||
| It's normal for us though. | ||
| You're always on. | ||
| You're trying to say something. | ||
| So sometimes you can only hold one thought in your head and you can't hold the thought in the head that that person has because you've got something to say. | ||
| Because you've got something in the back of your head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe is the fucking best ever. | ||
| Have you done Kill Tony? | ||
| Oh my god, you've got to do Kill Tony. | ||
| When's Kill Tony? | ||
| Do you know what it is? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's Mondays. | ||
| He does it Mondays. | ||
| But when he, off the cuff, that motherfucker is so sharp. | ||
| That's how his mind works. | ||
| So his mind is like, you could be in the middle of something really important and he's gotta go with a zinger. | ||
| He's got some ridiculous pun to stick into there. | ||
| But it's like, this job is the greatest job of all time. | ||
| You just get to talk shit. | ||
| It's a great racket. | ||
| So I stopped doing my other podcast and I was like, fuck, I don't really want to do podcasts. | ||
| And then it was like six months and I was on the road and I was doing all this shit. | ||
| And also you get to talk shit, but you just get to connect with fans. | ||
| You want to be there once or twice a week. | ||
| I mean, you're there every day, but it's a cool way to connect to people. | ||
| So that's why I'm excited to fucking get my other shit popping right now. | ||
| It's a cool way to talk to people too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think people do that much talking to people like we do. | ||
| No, that's true. | ||
| I think it's important for yourself. | ||
| It's important for how you understand how people, like everybody has a different style of communication and everybody has a different life story and everybody has different things they do for a living. | ||
| Everybody has a different approach. | ||
| And I think I'm just gathering data all the time. | ||
| I'm so much more aware of things now than I ever was when I first started doing this. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's true. | ||
| And I think also it's like it recharges you too, right? | ||
| Because it's like, especially post-pandemic shit where it was like going out and actually getting to fucking talk to somebody. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah, gather data. | ||
| Also, it's like you're in a place in your life where it's like... | ||
| It took me forever not to have every motivation in my life be getting pussy. | ||
| So it's like if every conversation wasn't leading to getting pussy one way or the other, other than being with your best friends and just kicking it. | ||
| And it's nice to mature a little bit and be like, you know, I do like it. | ||
| I just want to read about fucking... | ||
| Did the Trojan War actually happen? | ||
| I want to read about fucking, you know, this is what I want to do. | ||
| I want to talk to somebody about this thing. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I don't need, my needs have evolved. | ||
| Well, the thing is it's stimulating, but it's on an urge. | ||
| See, sex is stimulating, but it's an urge. | ||
| So sex is a biological urge, so you get horny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When guys get horny, we get horny. | |
| And you don't get intellectually horny, but it is stimulating. | ||
| So you have to trick yourself into engaging in it. | ||
| And then once you engage in it, you go, oh, this is fascinating. | ||
| That's how I am with documentaries and books, and I have to get engaged with it. | ||
| And then once I get engaged with it, I'm like, oh, I really do enjoy this. | ||
| No, that's true. | ||
| It almost feels like a rollercoaster where you have to just kind of push yourself to engage. | ||
| And then once you do, it's like fucking bombs away. | ||
| Yeah, because it's like logically you know there's a lot of things that you like to do, but you don't engage in doing them for whatever reason, right? | ||
| But then the urges are food. | ||
| You have an urge to eat. | ||
| You get hungry. | ||
| You get horny. | ||
| You get tired. | ||
| You want to go to sleep. | ||
| Oh, that's a good point. | ||
| You got to take a piss. | ||
| I never thought of that. | ||
| There's all these urges. | ||
| But you don't have an urge for intellectual curiosity or even an urge to be creative. | ||
| It's just like you know it's good to sit down and write because that's where the jokes come from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| But you don't have an urge like you have an urge to eat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that's why it feels so great when sometimes it does strike you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, whoa, this does feel natural, biological almost. | ||
| But you're never going to beat the fuck urge. | ||
| No, never. | ||
| Doesn't have a chance. | ||
| The fuck urge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sells cars and watches and houses. | |
| Oh, dude, fully. | ||
| It's like, I want to be in a relationship for a couple different reasons. | ||
| I think, you know, I'm 33. It's about time. | ||
| I took it really seriously. | ||
| I haven't been in that many. | ||
| But it's also like from a... | ||
| As you grow up, you're like, I want to find someone I like. | ||
| I want to invest in this relationship in a deeper way. | ||
| But I also want to feel secure in that part of my life so that I can expand in every other shit that I love doing. | ||
| That bodybuilder is cracking her knuckles. | ||
| Listen to this right now. | ||
| I forgot about her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stabby, baby. | |
| I'm your woman! | ||
| She's ready to go, son. | ||
| She's out there. | ||
| She's out there. | ||
| I 100% can guarantee she's out there. | ||
| It's her. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| Weirdly, not ancient, but modern Greek women have... | ||
| Teachers teaching Greek have gotten into my algorithm. | ||
| It's like the algorithm knows you before you know yourself. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| What about a little woman who can kick your ass? | ||
| That's cool, too. | ||
| I'm so in. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I'm... | ||
| I just want the connection, but there's plenty of things that excite me. | ||
| You know, obviously the classic big ol' titties. | ||
| Classic. | ||
| It's never gonna go away. | ||
| The curly hair big titties guy has been a classic. | ||
| It's a classic. | ||
| There's a reason why girls get them done, to make them bigger. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| That's how dumb we are, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We can't have anything fake. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They could literally... | ||
| No one cares if you have fake boobs. | ||
| Oh, dude, I would love... | ||
| Dude, I... I've thought about this where it's like, what would be the equivalent to plastic surgery? | ||
| I would get penis implants if they were real, if they were the way titties look. | ||
| I'd get it tomorrow. | ||
| The thing is, a guy couldn't do that because a woman wouldn't like it. | ||
| Like, guys don't seem to care. | ||
| We're dumber. | ||
| We don't seem to care if their boobs are fake. | ||
| But if we have fake hair, they'll throw up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, true. | ||
| Fake hair is a tough one. | ||
| That's why I'm looking like this. | ||
| But fake hair is nothing compared to a fake dick. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You can't have a fake dick. | ||
| But what I'm saying is if the technology was there, I'm first in line. | ||
| The thing would be pills. | ||
| Pills to grow your cock? | ||
| Yeah, I used to have a bit about the day they invent a big dick pill. | ||
| I know that because it's like you wouldn't have to, there would have to be no advertising. | ||
| 30 seconds before the first guy died of an overdose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| No one's just going to take one. | ||
| They're like, how many give me a stroke? | ||
| I'm going to take one less than give me a stroke. | ||
| And I had a whole bit about how dicks would become so big that guys would have to push them around in shopping carts and women would evolve to have these giant flying squirrel pussy people and the guys would chase them up to the top of cliffs and they would leap to safety. | ||
| It was the dumbest bit ever. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| That's when you rode high as hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's obviously, like, if guys had a pill that made their dick big, we'd have preposterous dicks. | ||
| We'd be too stupid. | ||
| It would be like those poor ladies that have those triple H tits. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're so big. | ||
| They don't understand. | ||
| Like, that's too big, honey. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Like, what'd you do? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| That's a little much. | ||
| There's a fucking thing that I sent to Tom Segura. | ||
| Do you know these dudes that stick oil in their muscles? | ||
| Oh, those guys are weird as fuck. | ||
| The Popeye-looking motherfuckers? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| There's one... | ||
| Is that one Russian guy? | ||
| There's a bunch of them, but this one I believe is from Brazil. | ||
| And I sent it to Tommy. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| I'm going to send it to you, Jamie. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| You look at it and you're like, what in the fuck am I looking at? | ||
| Who is this for? | ||
| Well, this guy, it's just... | ||
| I mean, it's so nuts, but it's one of those things. | ||
| It's like people get like body dysmorphia. | ||
| They don't know what they're doing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guys would definitely do that with dicks. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Look at what this guy's done with this oil stuff in his body. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| Oh, I've seen that. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Where'd he go? | ||
| Where'd that motherfucker go? | ||
| He went away. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it a trick? | ||
| That's brutal, dude. | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| Post from Gym Fail Nation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm on the page, look, and I can't go anywhere. | ||
| It disappeared. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| Do you think it's been restricted? | ||
| There he is. | ||
| I'll leave it for a second. | ||
| Yeah, it goes away. | ||
| Yeah, that looks horrible. | ||
| Go to their videos. | ||
| Go to the top of their post. | ||
| See if you can find it in there. | ||
| Maybe it's been removed. | ||
| And maybe you can only get it the very first seconds of it or something. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| That shit sucks, though. | ||
| But this guy, if you saw it for that brief image, this guy has done something where all of his muscles look like balloons, like right there. | ||
| That's not even letting me do that. | ||
| Wow, that's so crazy. | ||
| Well, take a screenshot. | ||
| He might be taking off. | ||
| Take a screenshot. | ||
| It's fast. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| We're pushing Jamie to his limit. | ||
| To his technical limit. | ||
| Jamie's a wizard, bro. | ||
| Get that screenshot going. | ||
| Here he is. | ||
| Bam, screenshot. | ||
| Screenshot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got it. | |
| I mean, those look like titties. | ||
| Those look like... | ||
| Well, it looks insane. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| And his biceps are insane, too. | ||
| They don't even look like biceps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fucking traps are the worst part. | |
| The traps are truly horrendous. | ||
| All of it looks crazy. | ||
| It just doesn't make any sense that you would do that to yourself. | ||
| Guys would definitely do that for dicks. | ||
| That's my point. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| I need a functional penis. | ||
| I would do that in a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy doesn't. | |
| That guy doesn't. | ||
| If he could stuff that stuff in his dick, he probably has tried. | ||
| Probably put a little bit in there. | ||
| Oh, there's guys who have tried. | ||
| He's going to make it ribbed for your pleasure. | ||
| Nah, dude. | ||
| They'll do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely bumps on that guy's dick. | ||
| One way or another. | ||
| Yeah, he's going to spiral it around. | ||
| A pig dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, no, like with the bumps. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| With some sort of a pleasure device. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| If you could get a bigger dick, like, that's, isn't it fascinating that we can put satellites into orbit? | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| We got it. | ||
| For some reason. | ||
| Oh, it was safari only. | ||
| Apple was trying to suppress it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are his nipples? | |
| They're underneath. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| Yeah, he's stretched them down. | ||
| No, this sucks! | ||
| Or maybe he cut them off because he didn't like the aesthetic. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| Oh, there's his nipples. | ||
| His nipples are way below the tit. | ||
| They're not even where they're supposed to be. | ||
| He's got the tummy tuck stomach, too? | ||
| He looks brutal. | ||
| Look what he's doing to his legs, too. | ||
| He's doing it to his legs. | ||
| He's so much closer to a fuckable woman than a man. | ||
| He's also probably days from death. | ||
| Yeah, he's done, for sure. | ||
| If you're doing that to your body, your body's filled with this invasive agent that's just making you swell up. | ||
| So unnatural. | ||
| I mean, that's why I love... | ||
| The reality is I want to lose a little weight because I want to feel better, but I don't mind. | ||
| I like how I look. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| I feel bad for people that are like... | ||
| Have that extreme body dysmorphia? | ||
| I think it looks... | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| Being fat's fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Everyone likes a jolly fat guy. | ||
| I like my hair. | ||
| You just want to be healthy. | ||
| I just want to feel better. | ||
| I want to be healthy. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| The problem is those two don't really coincide with each other that well. | ||
| But you can make a comfortable medium. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I weigh like 300 pounds now, right? | ||
| And it's like, I could lose 60 easy. | ||
| Still be pretty fat, but be much healthier than this. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Is it bigger here? | ||
| Same guy. | ||
| Oh, he looks horrible. | ||
| He does look bigger. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's like, oh my god, he pumped it up further. | ||
| He's got the Super Saiyan fucking editing. | ||
| That is so insane. | ||
| That guy's going to be dead, man. | ||
| I mean, literally his tits kind of turn me on. | ||
| He's going to be dead. | ||
| They're so much closer to women's breasts than they are fucking jacked fucking pecs. | ||
| What's crazy is he probably is really weak because of all that stuff, too. | ||
| Oh, for sure, yeah. | ||
| It probably inhibits his ability to move things around, so he's probably weak as fuck while being gigantic. | ||
| Yeah, and who's attracted to that? | ||
| Who's into that guy? | ||
| Well, he's clearly insane. | ||
| Yeah, he's a pretty crazy guy. | ||
| That's an insane person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| What are you doing to your arms, bro? | ||
| Dude, poke that thing. | ||
| The veins are so weird. | ||
| Fuck, that's so crazy that he's done that to his arms. | ||
| That's like what this whole page is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I found it. | |
| Oh, no! | ||
| This whole page of these people. | ||
| This sucks. | ||
| Look at that dude's boobies because he's got the guy on mastica. | ||
| Scroll up a little. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's so insane. | ||
| What is the page called? | ||
| Body Stronger Brazil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brazil! | |
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| That guy's got titties. | ||
| That dude grew breasts. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Nipple pump, it says. | ||
| Nipple pump? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| He used a nipple pump? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's what it says on top. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Dude. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| That's probably gnomastica. | ||
| That's what girls are doing. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That looks like a chicken's fucking drumstick. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do that. | |
| That's tough. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| I'm listening. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the closest one. | |
| Take it down to eight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You got a little overzealous at the end, but... | ||
| You got crazy. | ||
| You need someone who's a designer who's going to go, no, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trust me. | |
| We're good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you can make it... | ||
| That's what's the problem with plastic surgery, right? | ||
| If you think you could change it, and then you do change it, then you want to change it a little more, better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't like this about me. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| You go down the rabbit hole, just like anything else. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like this weird piece of skin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like the way my nose meets my eyebrows. | ||
| Like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| And then you get to be that cat lady. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Remember that cat lady? | ||
| She looked like, what's her name, Beauty and the Beast? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Looked like fucking Hellboy in Beauty and the Beast. | ||
| It's a perfect example of someone who went down that rabbit hole and went crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's definitely, you can definitely go, that's why I think it's, I think, you know, you just gotta let yourself age, you just gotta fucking, that's another thing, there is like a humanity to someone who ages with grace and doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| There definitely is. | ||
| I mean, we admire that. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| We admire someone who doesn't turn themselves into a monster. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| But it's just like, I guess, when you just start fixing this, and then fix that, and I get a little filler. | ||
| Where does it end? | ||
| These are puffy. | ||
| Can we do something about this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe I'm a cheek stick out more, then I won't have these wrinkles. | |
| But I also, I'm lucky because, like, just big fat guy that everybody likes. | ||
| One of the fucking best guys to be. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You don't have to look good. | ||
| I never have to worry about that. | ||
| I just have to stay alive long enough to enjoy it. | ||
| You just gotta stay funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't want to be the bitter fat guy. | ||
| That's a tough guy to be. | ||
| But the funny fat guy, it's a great gig. | ||
| Great gig. | ||
| One of the best in the fucking universe. | ||
| I'm a good time. | ||
| I'm a great hang. | ||
| When I'm in party mode, there is... | ||
| I mean, we're eating like animals. | ||
| I know the best places. | ||
| I get fucked up all the time. | ||
| But now I'm like, let me fucking survive the road. | ||
| Let me stay sober. | ||
| So you're staying sober and you're trying to exercise. | ||
| Yeah, I'm working out. | ||
| My little brother, actually, he started a gym, Odyssey Strength, in Maryland. | ||
| He... | ||
| We did some video series. | ||
| Over the summer, we did a workout series together. | ||
| He's a great trainer. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| My brother, Nick. | ||
| And he's got a little workout plan for me where it's like, you know, if I miss a day because I'm traveling or whatever, it's a full-body workout. | ||
| He's got me on a thing. | ||
| And I haven't maintained the weight loss, but I keep working out. | ||
| I'm getting stronger. | ||
| I've stayed sober. | ||
| And it's like little baby steps because it's like... | ||
| You have to realize if this is what you want, if stand-up and touring is what you want, this is just what my life's going to be like, so I have to figure out how to get healthy within it. | ||
| At one point I was fantasizing about, I'm going to take a year off, and I'm just going to fucking do everything right. | ||
| And that would be great. | ||
| I would really enjoy that. | ||
| Because I lost a lot of weight during the pandemic because all I had to do was focus, and I really liked it. | ||
| But then life fucking happens. | ||
| And it's like, if you want to be on the road, it's hard. | ||
| There's obstacles. | ||
| And I don't have... | ||
| My fucking willpower is not great. | ||
| Yeah, but you can develop that. | ||
| You really can. | ||
| And that's what I'm trying to do. | ||
| It seems like you're doing it. | ||
| So I'm trying, step by step. | ||
| Next tour, I'm going to try doing some meal... | ||
| Meal prep? | ||
| Meal delivery stuff to the hotel and just like... | ||
| That's a great move. | ||
| That's the next move. | ||
| So step by step. | ||
| That's a really good move. | ||
| He's been great. | ||
| It's really nice to have a fucking health professional. | ||
| As a brother. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And I feel like a dumbass for not reaching out. | ||
| He was like, why didn't you hit me up on the road? | ||
| Because when we went back, when I went back the summer after, I was in great shape for me after the pandemic, and then I toured for the whole year. | ||
| And dude, it was like, when I went back, I was like, let's go, bro. | ||
| Let's get jacked. | ||
| He was like, you're not even touching weights. | ||
| I was fucking opening bands up. | ||
| I was doing like fucking... | ||
| Oh, he's very smart then. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| No, he's great. | ||
| Nick is fucking... | ||
| Nico Halkis. | ||
| Check him out. | ||
| Check out Odyssey Strength. | ||
| Yeah, a friend of mine decided to start working out. | ||
| Went to this trainer. | ||
| Got three hernias. | ||
| That's what would have happened. | ||
| I'm like, what happened? | ||
| And he's like, he had me doing way too much, way too hard. | ||
| And he's an older guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now he's kind of fucked. | ||
| Yeah, dude, my brother had me doing the kind of workouts an old woman does when she breaks her hip. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's very smart of him. | ||
| Well, he loves you. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| No, he's the man. | ||
| You follow Action Bronson? | ||
| I fucking love Action Bronson. | ||
| My man. | ||
| Action Bronson's a shit. | ||
| I worked out with Action Bronson when he was here. | ||
| When he was in town to do my podcast, we went and worked out at the Onnit gym. | ||
| That dude gets after it. | ||
| We did a kettlebell workout under John Wolf, and he fucking gets after it every day, that guy does. | ||
| And he was so much bigger than you. | ||
| He was so big and so unhealthy, and he had a kid, and he's like, I gotta fix my life. | ||
| No, I get that. | ||
| Honestly, I love that little story. | ||
| And I do think, as much as I don't think I can take a whole year off, I am really looking... | ||
| Even this winter, I'm taking four weeks off, and I'm just going just all health before the tour starts. | ||
| And that'll be fun, because, yeah, Aksha Bronson just fucking... | ||
| He was... | ||
| Just dedicated. | ||
| Dedicated. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's awesome to see. | ||
| Still is. | ||
| He's a fucking everyday guy. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| That's sick. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| No, I want big arms, little titties. | ||
| That's my goal, dude. | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| Pro wrestling now? | ||
| He's wrestling now, yeah. | ||
| He's jacked now, dude. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He used to be a big guy, now he's a big jack guy. | ||
| He did... | ||
| Sam Morel, me and Sam, he had a show. | ||
| Sam was the host of the show on MSG. He's the man. | ||
| He's just checking, body checking people, knocking them to the ground. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| This is so ridiculous. | ||
| Nah, he's the man. | ||
| He did a lot for the plus-size community. | ||
| Well, he showed you there's a way out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can become healthy. | ||
| He's so much healthier. | ||
| No, him and Ethan Supli. | ||
| Ethan's a fucking man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Ethan's a man, too. | ||
| He's the guy that I told him, I go, if I saw you today, I'd be like, that's the guy I avoided in jujitsu class. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck outta here, you big gorilla. | ||
| He's so big. | ||
| But he started out mad. | ||
| He broke his stitches. | ||
| He got skin removed, lost the weight, and then regained it to the point where he had to get more done. | ||
| But he's honest about it all, and now he looks fucking amazing. | ||
| No, he's the man. | ||
| He's just such a cool dude. | ||
| He's just a really interesting guy, too. | ||
| Interesting guy to talk to. | ||
| And look at his fucking career. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's worked with every cool director. | ||
| He's been around forever. | ||
| And so many fucking cool... | ||
| From childhood shit to Scorsese movies. | ||
| He's the fucking man. | ||
| Whenever a person can become super healthy in front of everybody like that, That's a giant, it's a huge, like, force of energy for people. | ||
| Look how big he is now. | ||
| He's fucking jacked. | ||
| He's jacked as shit. | ||
| And look how, like, overweight he was on the left, and look who he looks like now. | ||
| I mean, for people that are, like, out there that don't have hope, and they feel like they fucked their life up impossibly, you see that guy and you go, oh, he did it in front of everybody. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He did it in front of the whole world. | ||
| Yeah, and it wasn't easy either. | ||
| Like, that shit's fucking tough. | ||
| And he fucking slipped a few times. | ||
| Yeah, and that's human. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| That's the other thing is that, like, yeah, shit happens, dude. | ||
| And especially when your biggest thing is food. | ||
| Like, for me, I can do a lot of drugs. | ||
| I can fucking stop doing them. | ||
| I'm pretty lucky in that where I don't really get addicted. | ||
| It's food. | ||
| Food gets me... | ||
| It is the drug. | ||
| I've stayed sober on this tour, and I've been healthier, but I still... | ||
| My eating is what slips, and that's what... | ||
| So that's why I was like, dude, sobriety will help. | ||
| It'll keep the guardrails so you don't go crazy. | ||
| When I get high, it's like, forget it. | ||
| We're ordering fucking six entrees just to have a little taste of everything. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, after shows especially, right? | ||
| You feel like you deserve it. | ||
| There's nothing better. | ||
| Truly, like, heaven is the way I would like to do the road, and you don't get unhealthy. | ||
| Like, if you get more jacked according to how... | ||
| if you eat more, that's heaven. | ||
| It's like, I'm after a show, I'm eating 18 wings, and people are like, you should slow down. | ||
| It's like, I need the six-pack. | ||
| I gotta get the 24. I'm trying to get jacked. | ||
| Imagine if that was what got you jacked. | ||
| If your body was like a furnace. | ||
| I'd be Ronnie Coleman, bro. | ||
| The more food you throw in there, the hotter it gets. | ||
| Imagine if it's all about how much food you ate. | ||
| I would be the fucking most jacked man of all time. | ||
| We would run out of food. | ||
| We would start eating each other. | ||
| If that was the case. | ||
| People would resort to catabolism. | ||
| We'd get rid of the crocodiles. | ||
| We'd be getting crocodile barbecue for sure. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But yeah, no, there's nothing better than, like, after a show. | ||
| Oh my god, food after shows, especially after you smoked a joint, and you go to a place that has good food, like... | ||
| Oh, it's the fucking best. | ||
| While you're eating, it's the most amazing food ever. | ||
| And you're with your friends. | ||
| Yes, you're having fun. | ||
| And the pressure, the show's off, you had a great time. | ||
| That's the hardest part about... | ||
| The worst part about comedy is that the day doesn't end. | ||
| You have something to worry about up until midnight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you wake up, and you're less stressed than you would be at 7 p.m., but it's like... | ||
| Breakfast is the only kind of non-stressful time when you're on the road because the show is so far away. | ||
| But you're not done for the day until fucking midnight. | ||
| And then if you're eating dinner, you've got to be careful. | ||
| How many hours do I have before the show? | ||
| Like, okay, I've got to cut down the carbs and no pasta. | ||
| Nothing's going to slow me down. | ||
| Totally, totally. | ||
| Because it'll slow your brain down. | ||
| That's what you don't realize. | ||
| You don't think about it. | ||
| When you have food digesting in your body, it slows your fucking brain down. | ||
| Yeah, dude, and I was just going on stage. | ||
| I was like, I could take an edible at 3 p.m. | ||
| and have a whole pizza and I'll sleep it off. | ||
| I was in Providence. | ||
| I did this little thing on YouTube. | ||
| It was like when the pleasure stops, because my last tour was the Prince of Pleasure tour, and the last stop was Providence in Philly, and I just brought my buddy Matt Salakuse along. | ||
| He's done stuff with Sam. | ||
| He directed his rooftop special. | ||
| And it was just... | ||
| My buddy Eldis, he was fucking... | ||
| He was with me. | ||
| He produces shit for me now. | ||
| And they just had a camera going. | ||
| And it just captured like... | ||
| Bro, I'm fucking... | ||
| I took edibles. | ||
| I thought they were 10 milligrams. | ||
| It was fucking... | ||
| Or I thought they were 5. They were 50s. | ||
| And I just have 100 milligrams going. | ||
| I'm eating like shit. | ||
| We have a fucking breakfast. | ||
| And I'm just like... | ||
| And the breakfast was supposed to be like a good meal for the day. | ||
| I'm like, I'm ordering fucking... | ||
| Oh, we'll get a creme brulee French toast for the table. | ||
| The fat guy move for the table and just like, I'm crushing seven eighths of it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, wow, it's mine. | ||
| You know, that kind of shit. | ||
| And I was just fucked. | ||
| I was just like, there was a show, the Saturday show, I was like, I'm in a fugue state. | ||
| I don't remember what the fuck's going on here because I'm I'm off that. | ||
| That next day after edibles is the best feeling, like, I find where you're, like, not as high, but it's still, like, in your system. | ||
| You're relaxed. | ||
| You're just relaxed, but you're still, like, you don't want to be doing work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You want to be fucking looking up the fucking, you know, crocodile videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| You want to see baboons get their shit rocked. | ||
| And I was just like, full of pancakes. | ||
| And then we had a full, we're in Providence, so we go to Little Italy. | ||
| Full fucking Italian chicken cutlet. | ||
| I mean, I was fucked up, dude. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| What's funny is, it does slow your brain down, but it's like, it kind of goes back to what we were talking about earlier, where I love when a fat athlete You know what I mean? | ||
| Like John Daly. | ||
| Yeah, it's John Daly because it's like, yeah, you have to have finesse. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You can't be a pure power player, so you have to actually be more aware of what you have because you're not firing on all cylinders. | ||
| And you can get by on just pure, I don't know, muscle memory, whatever. | ||
| And those were actually pretty fun. | ||
| That's the irony is like I'm actually pretty good at comedy when I'm that fucked up And when I'm like well you're having fun exactly that is really what it is I mean when if you're not having fun, it's very hard to be funny. | ||
| Yeah If you're not having fun, even if you're saying the same thing. | ||
| No, that's a great point. | ||
| My favorite kind of comedy is just like... | ||
| When you're trying to have a fucking good time. | ||
| When it's like, I'm telling you about me. | ||
| I'm telling you about personal stories. | ||
| I personally am not trying to make a lot of points. | ||
| I'm trying to tell you about a time my dick wasn't getting hard. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'm telling you about embarrassing myself sexually. | ||
| You're having fun. | ||
| We were talking a little bit about podcasts. | ||
| That's what I realized. | ||
| A podcast, when you're really doing it right, is just about having fun. | ||
| I was going to just stop podcasting and then I was like, fuck it. | ||
| It's pretty fun. | ||
| No, it's the most fun. | ||
| It's the next level of what started with the Opie and Anthony show. | ||
| What started with the Opie and Anthony show was if they had comics on, they would hang. | ||
| And we'd all just talk shit to each other and it was so much fun. | ||
| And you always look forward to it. | ||
| It was the only morning show that I would legitimately always look forward to. | ||
| Oh yeah, because that's in the era where every morning show... | ||
| Thank God I came up and pop. | ||
| Like, I've only done two morning shows as a headliner. | ||
| Oh, you got lucky. | ||
| But some of them were a lot of fun, man. | ||
| There was a bunch that I used to really enjoy doing. | ||
| Guys in Philly and Arizona and Seattle. | ||
| There was a bunch that were really fun. | ||
| But, you know, some of them were dry. | ||
| And some of them, the DJ was kind of douchey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| And some of them, they were really cool. | ||
| Because they're these little kings of their own little domain. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And they hate when someone actually is funnier than them. | ||
| It's also like you're the most renegade of all art forms. | ||
| You just went to bed an hour ago. | ||
| You smell like tequila. | ||
| You've got glitter on your face for some reason. | ||
| And you're sitting there talking shit and you're entertaining and you're having fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and some guys bring the people in, like Bert Kreischer, he'll get everybody drunk with him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and he'll, like, bring the party to those things. | ||
| He's really good at... | ||
| He was really, always really... | ||
| I don't think he does morning shows anymore. | ||
| He probably doesn't have to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he might do them if he's doing it for a friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If he wants to. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He's also, like, the kind of lunatic that likes doing shows. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He would do it for a friend, guys that he knows from back in the day. | ||
| But the point is like- After he's been drunk all night. | ||
| I remember I was in Tampa and I was opening for Bobby and he brought me in to do morning radio with him. | ||
| We were at Sidesplitters and Bert was at the Improv or whatever. | ||
| And Bert was getting fucked up and he was about to run a fucking marathon that day or something. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| Me and Bobby had driven through the night, so we only had like a few hours of sleep. | ||
| And I was like, I feel like a bus hit me. | ||
| I'm, you know, however much younger than this guy. | ||
| And he's just getting fucked up at 6 a.m. | ||
| He's gonna go do two shows and run a marathon. | ||
| Well, as much as Bert drinks, he's always consistently worked out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I think that makes a big difference. | ||
| Because, like, when we did this Sober October fitness challenge a few years ago, he put in real fucking numbers every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because we ought to wear a chest strap to read how much exercise you've done. | ||
| He put in real numbers every day. | ||
| So the dude, even though he would hammer the booze, he also works out. | ||
| And that's his strategy. | ||
| His strategy is to keep his body healthy so he can drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes sense. | |
| Respect. | ||
| I respect, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, obviously it's working. | |
| How do you not love the guy? | ||
| He's one of the best people ever. | ||
| He's a great hang. | ||
| Yeah, he's such a character. | ||
| But no, you're right. | ||
| It is just like a... | ||
| A pod is fun. | ||
| That's what I realized. | ||
| And the last pod I did was super fun. | ||
| And this one that I'm doing now, I just started at Stavi's World. | ||
| I had Sam Morel, actually. | ||
| He was my first guest. | ||
| So it's like fun. | ||
| It's like I'm doing... | ||
| Why did you stop... | ||
| The last one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I was a little burned out. | ||
| It was at the end of that tour, like we were talking about, where I was just like, I gained a lot of weight. | ||
| I had overworked myself, because coming out of the pandemic, I tried to make up for a whole year off by just never getting off the road. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's just like, it was little shit. | ||
| It's like, you know, I was like, I just want to focus on stand-up, and I just want to like... | ||
| And I think at a certain point, we had kind of creatively gotten a little stale, and we were all just like, I don't know, kind of like I was feeling like maybe there's another thing. | ||
| I want to pour all my energy into stand-up. | ||
| And it was just like, dude, I kind of just stopped everything. | ||
| I took a little break, and I put the special out, and I thought I was just going to take it easy. | ||
| I thought it was like, alright, I'm just gonna regroup, I'll take some time off, start building the next special slowly, and then I was just like, fucking YouTube and TikTok and all this shit, as much as we shit on it, like, that shit jumped my career up, where I was like, fuck, I can't really take a break now, because, like, I'm selling tickets like I'd never have sold before, and it was just kind of the thing where I was planning on just taking a lot of time off. | ||
| How long are we gonna take it off? | ||
| For how long? | ||
| I was just gonna focus on stand-up and try and get healthier, kind of like that year that I was dreaming about. | ||
| And it was like the summer that I spent with my brother, I thought it was gonna be three months. | ||
| It ended up being like four weeks. | ||
| Well, here's one thing you can do. | ||
| You can hold yourself accountable by talking about it publicly. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| On your podcast. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And when you do something like that, it's one of the things that I find whenever we do these Sober October things. | ||
| We tell everybody what we have to do every day. | ||
| Yeah, that is true. | ||
| And then we're held accountable. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and then like you say, you have a goal and you work towards that goal and people get to see it. | ||
| And then they can become invested in it and they root for you. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And so I feel like for podcasts, for comics in this day and age, I feel like it's just as important as social media, if not more important, to have a podcast. | ||
| It's like even if you only like talk about shit that you think about in the news, like something wacky goes down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Kanye West says he loves Hitler. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Hilarious to see somebody make Alex Jones uncomfortable. | ||
| Yeah, some wild shit goes down in the world that you didn't expect, and you could talk about it. | ||
| And, you know, just do it on a regular basis, and people enjoy it. | ||
| And it doesn't have to be long, and it doesn't have to have guests. | ||
| In fact, Bill Burr, one of my favorite podcasts ever, no guest. | ||
| Tim Dillon, one of my favorite ever. | ||
| Very rarely does he have a guest on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most of the time it's just him and his producer. | ||
| And you develop a style of talking shit that is very entertaining. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And it helps your writing. | ||
| I know it helps Tim's, and Bill says it helps his too, because you're constantly ranting about stuff. | ||
| And every now and then you can take those rants, extract them, And especially Dylan, because Dylan is essentially doing a one-audience member show. | ||
| It's insane, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| And it's massively improved his stand-up, but also improved the amount of people that are coming to see him because of the podcast. | ||
| It's like all those things work in synergy, and everybody wants to get on a show, right? | ||
| Get on a show, it's great. | ||
| Get a paycheck. | ||
| You could do that yourself. | ||
| I think that's over. | ||
| No, I really think like... | ||
| YouTube and podcasts are so much... | ||
| I have friends who are on TV and it does not really change your life. | ||
| Well, you become a part of a system, right? | ||
| And you have to work on this thing that the system is creating. | ||
| And your other stuff is all on the side now. | ||
| And it's not as lucrative as it used to be. | ||
| It used to be it made sense because it's like, yeah, you get that fucking check. | ||
| You're good. | ||
| Well, it used to be if you became the person who the sitcom was named after, like Roseanne or Seinfeld, that's the fucking top of the mountain. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that's true. | ||
| Then you're set for life. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I think what I like doing on this one, so it's Stabby's World, it came out of like, I was doing an advice show over the pandemic because I wanted, I didn't feel like I was near an audience. | ||
| So I did it on Twitch, so it was live, and people would call in and I wouldn't screen, I wouldn't screen the calls, I had a producer and And so I would just respond to whatever questions people were asking off the top of my head. | ||
| And it was like I got to kind of experience a live show. | ||
| I got to kind of do crowd work. | ||
| And there's, you know, 600 people watching on Twitch. | ||
| And it felt kind of nice. | ||
| And then I realized I kind of liked it. | ||
| Like I liked the... | ||
| Like, advice part of it. | ||
| I liked kind of, you know, sharing my perspective with people. | ||
| And then I would interview my friends. | ||
| You know, comedians are all fucking... | ||
| They have some kind of mental illness, some kind of hang-up, something. | ||
| So it was always fun to interview a friend for, like, a half hour, talk about their shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then get into it with the... | ||
| And then just roast, you know, voicemails or whatever. | ||
| And it's a fun little, like, lovingly shit on your friend... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, lovingly shit on your callers and, like... | ||
| And then also try and give some good advice. | ||
| And so I'm excited for it. | ||
| And it's cool. | ||
| I got my best friend who I grew up with to be the producer. | ||
| He has no idea how to do anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect. | |
| So it's like he's fucking shit up. | ||
| But he's learning really good. | ||
| But it's fun. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| And the last show was super great too. | ||
| We had a blast. | ||
| And we made some hilarious stuff. | ||
| But it's also like you want to be doing the next thing. | ||
| And you want to always kind of be evolving a little bit. | ||
| So, I'm looking forward to it. | ||
| Well, you got a good attitude, dude. | ||
| It's smart. | ||
| Thank you, bro. | ||
| And I'm glad you're doing it again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think everybody should... | ||
| I mean, if you want to. | ||
| It doesn't mean that you don't have to. | ||
| There's a lot of great comics that don't have one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Business-wise, also, it's just like... | ||
| It's smart. | ||
| It's just, you got to do it. | ||
| So, Stavi's World. | ||
| Go subscribe, everybody. | ||
| And it's on everything? | ||
| It's on everything. | ||
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| It's on Spotify, whatever. | ||
| Sam Marill was our first guest. | ||
| Our second guest, the R U Garbage guys. | ||
| I don't know if you know them. | ||
| They're very funny. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| They're really great. | ||
| And then a lot of great people, you know, Soda, Joe List. | ||
| Is that Ryan Wong, R U Garbage? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| His is... | ||
| I forget what Ryan's... | ||
| Are You Garbage? | ||
| is Foley and Kevin Ryan. | ||
| Philly guys, very funny guys. | ||
| There's a lot of good ones out there now. | ||
| It's a fun time for comedy because comics, there's a gang of us out there. | ||
| Where we communicate with each other. | ||
| We do each other's podcasts. | ||
| We do shows together. | ||
| It's a rare time. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| It's an interesting time. | ||
| It almost feels like everyone is kind of reinventing a network. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It just feels like we're kind of reinventing everything. | ||
| Like you were saying, you were just getting blasted on a fucking MacBook 12 years ago. | ||
| And like, look at this shit. | ||
| We're in a compound. | ||
| There's fucking bidets in your bathroom. | ||
| I didn't have to shit. | ||
| I just put my ass on it to just be clean. | ||
| I was like, it's fucking moved. | ||
| Even YouTube, I kind of feel like I just kind of started throwing my shit up there just to see what would happen to prep for the special coming out. | ||
| Now there's a legit audience and now I get to do fun stuff like make a workout series with my brother. | ||
| That's not strictly stand-up, but it's funny. | ||
| You do anything you want, man. | ||
| It's pretty fun. | ||
| If you're into fucking baseball cards, it doesn't matter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| That's the thing about the world that we're living in now. | ||
| There's so much more freedom of expression, even though people are trying to clamp down on it and everyone's talking about censorship. | ||
| And there's a lot of that, too. | ||
| But that just seems to be a part of the natural human experience. | ||
| Like, when people get into positions of power, they want to silence opposing voices. | ||
| Those voices bother them. | ||
| It doesn't matter if it's Republicans or Democrats. | ||
| People constantly do it. | ||
| And they always want to blame the left is always censoring and then the right is always... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But it seems like it's a fucking normal human thing to do. | ||
| And the internet is like one of the rare times ever where like a break in the dam. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just... | ||
| I do think that's true where it's like you can like... | ||
| You can fucking find your... | ||
| Even if someone is trying to, quote, cancel you or whatever. | ||
| It's like, look at Shane or look at whatever. | ||
| It's like, you can figure it out. | ||
| A lot of people, like, you know, have a career despite those attempts or whatever. | ||
| And it's like, I've said some fucked up shit as a joke. | ||
| I get, you know, maybe some people try and cancel me. | ||
| But it's like, I'm trying to build my own audience and I'm trying to just, like... | ||
| You're also doing comedy live, right? | ||
| And if you're talking shit, you take chances. | ||
| And sometimes you don't even realize what you're saying while you're saying it. | ||
| You're trying to be funny. | ||
| Patrice had a great line about that. | ||
| It's like a joke that bombs and a joke that kills all comes from the same place. | ||
| The person who's just trying to be funny. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's the intention of it. | ||
| The intention is never to hurt someone. | ||
| Yeah, and you do have to, like, you know, you have to... | ||
| What did Chris Rock say? | ||
| There's been racist versions of all his jokes or something like that when he was figuring them out. | ||
| Well, Chris, that one bit that became one of his best bits ever, that I love black people but I hate N-words. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| That bit is a fantastic bit. | ||
| And apparently, like, he struggled with that bit for a long time before he got it to work. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Because sometimes when you have a complicated idea in your head... | ||
| Of course. | ||
| ...you're like, how do I get this fucking thing to work? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And you can almost bail on it, and then it becomes, like, your closing bit. | ||
| Louie said something where he had, like, the joke about... | ||
| It's, like, molesting children. | ||
| Where it's, like, people would, like, survive if they didn't... | ||
| ...or more children would survive if, like, you know, if we didn't... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We're so mean to child molesters, which is, like... | ||
| Even saying that, I'm like, god damn. | ||
| But it would have been interesting to see where the bit went, I suppose. | ||
| But yeah, I do think there's a freedom to do whatever you want. | ||
| But didn't that bit make it on a special? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I think that bit might have made it on a special. | ||
| I just remember talking about it back in the day. | ||
| Yeah, I think he might have actually figured out a way to make that work. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, but he could do that. | ||
| That's what he likes to do, too. | ||
| Yeah, I do think that, like, you should have that leeway, but I also think, like, sometimes... | ||
| It is, like... | ||
| I do think, like, you should be able to say whatever you want, but it's also, like, using nuclear weapons, where it's like, yeah, Chris Rock can do it, but not every fucking open-miker can do it. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, that's what it is about. | ||
| But how do they learn how to do it? | ||
| They learn how to do it by stumbling. | ||
| They learn how to do it by trying. | ||
| But with easier stuff, right? | ||
| But they don't know that while they're doing it. | ||
| It's like, you wouldn't spar fucking, you know, you wouldn't spar with BJ Penn to learn. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But here's the thing, you might have to. | ||
| If you were in a jiu-jitsu class. | ||
| The point is, if you're a comic, but if you're a comic and you're on stage, you don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| You don't have a coach. | ||
| You don't have a trainer. | ||
| No one's showing you how to do it. | ||
| And if you're a dumb kid and you're 21 years old and you have this complicated idea in your head, you think you're going to figure out how to make funny in front of these people, but you fall flat on your face, you should still try it. | ||
| That's how you learn. | ||
| You learn by fucking up. | ||
| Yeah, I would say keep it to, like, but you do have this epidemic of, like, young kids who think they're ready for the big shit, and it's like, you're not, bro. | ||
| You didn't feel like that when you were young? | ||
| You talked about how you did. | ||
| I guess that's true, but I guess I didn't drop any n-bombs, I'll put it there. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I did, but I was talking about wiping my own ass and, you know, how little my... | ||
| Still the same ideas. | ||
| But everybody's delusional about their ability. | ||
| Yes, for sure. | ||
| And for young guys coming up, you have all this testosterone and fucking zero clue on how the world works yet, and you start making a living doing comedy, or you start doing open mics and getting laughs, and you think you're profound. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| There's a lot of people that pretend to be profound. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then you watch back. | |
| Pretending to be profound on stage. | ||
| One of the worst things of all time. | ||
| One of the most painful things. | ||
| I just, in general, don't like making a point. | ||
| I like telling a funny story. | ||
| It's more fun. | ||
| It's more fun to not make a point. | ||
| And a lot of people love that. | ||
| We talked about it the other day about Bill Hicks. | ||
| Bill Hicks was such a revolutionary comedian because all he had was points. | ||
| Everything was intense points. | ||
| But it fucked a lot of people up because a lot of young dorks imitated him. | ||
| Fully. | ||
| And they tried to include... | ||
| I definitely probably did. | ||
| I definitely had some... | ||
| Pontification. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I definitely had some nonsense that I fucking tried. | |
| Because when I first saw him, I was 21. I was super impressionable. | ||
| I was an open-miker. | ||
| There was a bunch of those guys that you'd see and you'd found yourself sounding like them. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Patrice would call them babies. | ||
| He's like, Patrice's got so many babies all around town. | ||
| Oh, Patrice, for generations. | ||
| Generations had babies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Robin Harris had a lot of babies. | ||
| There was a lot of people that imitated Robin Harris when he was at the top in L.A. Back in the 90s. | ||
| There's a bunch of those guys that are super influential, very charismatic people, and everybody just, Brody Stevens! | ||
| People would talk like Brody! | ||
| A lot of people were doing Kinane in Brooklyn when I was coming up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of Kinanes going on. | |
| There's a lot of people that did Stanhope. | ||
| Oh, without question. | ||
| A lot of people did Stanhope. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, there was times where I was just like, I couldn't... | ||
| There were some comedians that I didn't want to watch because I didn't want to, like... | ||
| Sean Patton's a great example of somebody. | ||
| He's got a special out. | ||
| Everybody should go see it on Peacock. | ||
| But I was just like, I loved Sean and I wanted to get how free he is on stage. | ||
| But I was just like, at a certain point, I was like, I don't think I can watch him because I'll just steal his swag. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You steal his fun, his energy. | ||
| And that's another thing with stand-up. | ||
| Energy is part of it. | ||
| Vibe is part of it. | ||
| And so, I don't know. | ||
| I try and just do my own. | ||
| Vibe is definitely part of it. | ||
| There's a lot What's going on up there, man? | ||
| I always say it's kind of like a mass hypnosis. | ||
| It's like everybody, like if a great comic's on stage, if you're on stage and you're killing, I'm letting you think for me. | ||
| Right, true. | ||
| I'm just sitting here like this and you're telling me these stories and all I'm doing is like letting you think for me. | ||
| You're telling me, I'm listening to what you're saying, I'm getting the picture, I'm just going along on this ride. | ||
| And when someone can do that to a large group of people, it's very similar to a kind of hypnosis. | ||
| It's a laughter hypnosis. | ||
| Yeah, no, absolutely. | ||
| It's like, and what's beautiful about it too is that like, Every show is different. | ||
| That's what I love. | ||
| A couple things that you were talking about earlier, where it's like, you are basically self-taught. | ||
| You can take a class, but it's not really... | ||
| No one teaches it like you. | ||
| Kurt Mesker's not going to teach a class. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Mark Norman's not going to teach a class. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| That's a great point. | ||
| The people that teach classes aren't usually people that did so good at it in the first place. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's like they teach you to take the mic out of the stand and put the mic away. | ||
| There is no solution other than get on stage as much as possible. | ||
| You can get some advice from your peers. | ||
| That's helped me a lot. | ||
| Advice from my peers has helped me a lot. | ||
| But no one can tell you how to do it because the way you do it is different than the way Ari does it. | ||
| It's different than the way Shane does it. | ||
| You've got to kind of do it with your vibe. | ||
| And the other thing I really love is that fucking every show is different. | ||
| You'll never be in that room. | ||
| Those people will never be in the same room ever again. | ||
| And that shit rocks. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| And if people have their phones in those yonder bags, man, they're in the moment. | ||
| They're really there. | ||
| Comedy Works, great club. | ||
| They do that. | ||
| It's so good to do, man. | ||
| Every club should do it. | ||
| It changes the vibe of the show. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| People are way more present. | ||
| Oh, they're way more present. | ||
| They're not distracted at all by their phones. | ||
| And the comic's more free because you can fuck around on stage more. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| The whole thing is better. | ||
| We're living in a strange time for comedy, but it's a really good time. | ||
| There's so many good comics coming up. | ||
| I think it's the best, yeah. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I think it's like a golden era for up-and-coming talent. | ||
| And I don't even think it's a big deal. | ||
| Maybe there's a philosophical difference. | ||
| I don't even think it's a big deal to be a little restrained in what... | ||
| Because I think you can become funny around, like, societal constraints a little bit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's a challenge, for sure. | ||
| It's a challenge. | ||
| Jerry Seinfeld used to say that about being clean. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That it is a challenge to make a really funny joke clean. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Whereas, like, a lot of people, especially back then, they felt like swearing was somehow or another... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheap. | |
| Like, cheap. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a cop-out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which is interesting. | ||
| I subscribe to that philosophy because that's how I grew up. | ||
| I started out in those clubs where I thought I was a loser because I like Dice Clay and Sam Kinnison. | ||
| I like Richard Pryor. | ||
| I like these guys who swore all the time. | ||
| Yeah, Richard Pryor was the man, of course. | ||
| But there's a value to learning how to construct a joke without swears. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that when you fully express yourself where you normally would with swears, it's better because the joke stands by itself. | ||
| We watched Kinnison do his first Letterman the other day. | ||
| We did a Protect Our Parks. | ||
| And when we were watching it, we were like, look how good this guy is, and it's no swears. | ||
| He's doing Letterman. | ||
| I mean, that's an energy guy. | ||
| Where you're like, fuck, dude, this rules. | ||
| He was from another planet. | ||
| Like, no, dude, that guy, when he first came around, he changed comedy. | ||
| He was the first guy that I ever saw do comedy where I went like... | ||
| Maybe I could do comedy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I thought comedy was like these guys sort of like rolled up sleeves, which is where I dressed like that when I first started. | ||
| Had a blazer on and shit, a funny t-shirt. | ||
| I was such a dork. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Little Twink Joe in the blazer. | ||
| But I was trying to imitate what a comedian was. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I saw Kinnison and it made me think like, okay, maybe there's Other ways to do this. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then I saw Dennis Leary, and I saw Hicks, and I saw a lot of these guys. | ||
| I was like, okay, comedy is a lot of things. | ||
| It's like you get a confused idea what comedy is. | ||
| And then luckily I started out in Boston, and all of those guys, like I talked about Lenny Clark and Don Gavin, they were all Coke snorting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Big, giant guys who got in barroom brawls. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is comedy, too. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| Well, Boston had a very... | ||
| I mean, because I was definitely a little fucking comedy nerd, so it's like, you know, it was one of the places that early had a very defined local scene with a lot of really good talent, where it's like... | ||
| And you see it. | ||
| You see who comes out of there from that era. | ||
| To this day, I've seen people kill harder in Boston at these local clubs, these local guys like Steve Sweeney, than I have any... | ||
| No one's killed harder. | ||
| It's like they've killed as hard as you can kill. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| They maxed it out. | ||
| It doesn't get hard. | ||
| You get just as good. | ||
| And I've seen guys do just as good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But they killed so hard. | ||
| And Kevin Meaney, he's another guy from Boston. | ||
| I saw him watch at Castle Rising Star with my friend from high school. | ||
| We went and sat there. | ||
| And I couldn't believe how funny it was. | ||
| It didn't make sense to me. | ||
| I didn't understand. | ||
| He would do this thing about big pants people. | ||
| That's not right! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're big pants people! | |
| And he was so... | ||
| So comfortable and so in the groove. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| It was perplexing. | ||
| I remember me and my friend Diane, we left there and we were like, how is he so funny? | ||
| How is someone so funny? | ||
| It's like for an hour and 15 minutes, he just destroyed. | ||
| Yeah, it's incredible. | ||
| It's nice because you get to just chase that. | ||
| You're like, I got to get that funny. | ||
| You just gotta just get better every time. | ||
| Just keep trying to get better, and then you're on a path, and then you'll look back. | ||
| Like, Dom Herrera said it to me once. | ||
| He goes, the beautiful thing about comedy is you can just keep getting better if you keep working on it. | ||
| It's not like a baseball player where your knees go. | ||
| Like, you can keep doing it. | ||
| You can keep getting better. | ||
| He's like, I'm so happy. | ||
| And, you know, Dom was like in his late 60s when he was telling me this. | ||
| He's like, I'm so happy I'm a comic. | ||
| I mean, Attell, you see that with Attell, because it's like, he's the fucking man. | ||
| Better than ever. | ||
| He's better than ever. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| And I do think sometimes it can be hard as you advance to continue to stay better because he has the discipline to... | ||
| He treats it like... | ||
| Dude, I opened for him and if he missed a little thing, you could tell he fucking hated it. | ||
| If he wasn't doing a hundred out of a hundred, it was like a fucking problem. | ||
| But that's the other thing. | ||
| It's like he thinks he messed something up. | ||
| In his mind, he didn't. | ||
| It was fucking great. | ||
| He's the fucking man. | ||
| And you just see him work on his shit day after day. | ||
| The biggest thrill for me when I moved to New York was being on a show with fucking Dave Attell. | ||
| When I'm at the stand and it's the late show and he's coming in and you just see this guy, he's working on something, he's killing harder, and he has the discipline to not let being Dave Attell go to his head. | ||
| Well, the opposite. | ||
| It goes the opposite. | ||
| He fucking hates himself because of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's his own harshest critic, but that's why he's so good. | |
| That's why he's so good, because he's so harsh on himself and his delivery and his material. | ||
| Gillis is like that, too. | ||
| Gillis is like, I don't know, I want to do this George Washington bit. | ||
| I mean, shut the fuck up. | ||
| It's one of the best bits ever. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| But it's like, that's why he's so good, because he's fucking hard on himself. | ||
| The guys that are like we were when we were younger, when you get delusional, you think you headline, you have 15 minutes. | ||
| That's not what you're supposed to be. | ||
| You're supposed to be the opposite. | ||
| You're supposed to be like, oh, the more you learn, the more terrified you get. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And that's how you become a fucking, you know, an all-time great when you have that kind of work ethic. | ||
| But, you know, that's like Giannis Adetokounmpo where he's like, he works hard as fuck and he's the MVP. But I don't know, man. | ||
| I could just be a little, you know, I don't want to work that hard. | ||
| Like, I just want to have a good time also. | ||
| You don't have to work that hard. | ||
| The thing is, it's like doing what you're doing. | ||
| I want to be like Shaq. | ||
| Do what you do, but keep doing it. | ||
| It's not that you have to work that hard. | ||
| Just do it to your level of enjoyment. | ||
| Like, there's a balancing act. | ||
| If you become so obsessed that you spend all your time doing it, and then you become this miserable person who's really successful, that's not a success. | ||
| Because you're unhappy. | ||
| So there's like a balance. | ||
| Like, how much effort do you want to put in versus how much do you want to get out of it? | ||
| And you've got to figure out what that is to keep you normal. | ||
| For me, I just do a bunch of other shit, too. | ||
| That's how I keep from going nuts. | ||
| I do other things that I enjoy. | ||
| That's why podcasts help me. | ||
| Because I do this, too. | ||
| And then I do comedy, too. | ||
| And then I do the UFC too. | ||
| So in having these different things, I keep my mind occupied in different ways. | ||
| So it doesn't get burnt out. | ||
| Have you always been doing five different things? | ||
| Is that always how you were? | ||
| Usually I just do one thing. | ||
| But too crazy. | ||
| So I realized as I got older, I need other things. | ||
| I can't have just one thing. | ||
| I'm too crazy. | ||
| It's like directing my crazy in manageable doses. | ||
| Because one thing, like video games, I used to get addicted to Quake. | ||
| And I'd play eight hours a day, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah, dude. | |
| I wouldn't stop. | ||
| I was addicted. | ||
| It was a real problem. | ||
| That's fucking hilarious. | ||
| It was a real problem. | ||
| And I get like that with martial arts. | ||
| I get like that with a lot of things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| So for me, I have to have other stuff. | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| So if I have, like, I could get addicted like that to comedy, and that's great. | ||
| But the problem is like, mentally, when I get addicted to something, I get like super obsessed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it becomes the only thing I want to concentrate on. | ||
| So I'm thinking about it when I'm doing other stuff and I'm talking to people. | ||
| I'm really thinking about comedy or I'm really thinking about martial arts, whatever the fuck the thing is at the time. | ||
| So for me, the balancing act is having multiple interests. | ||
| Interesting, yeah. | ||
| That's just for me, though. | ||
| No, that makes sense. | ||
| Everybody's got their own weird way of managing. | ||
| Yeah, I definitely get locked into one thing at a time and I have a hard time switching gears. | ||
| So we were launching the podcast and I hadn't done stand-up in a couple weeks and now I'm about to do... | ||
| We were just trying to get everything figured out and recording some pods, because I also want to take January off, so you've got to bank some. | ||
| And so I was just in that mode, and now it's like... | ||
| It does take me a while, I feel like, to shift gears, to get into stand-up mode. | ||
| That's why the tour next year... | ||
| So it starts in February, and then we're going to go until May. | ||
| Almost the only thing I'm focusing on is stand-up, because I want to record a special at the end of that. | ||
| And then it's like, okay... | ||
| That's over. | ||
| Now I can kind of like shift gears and maybe, you know, do a little, you know, write a script, act. | ||
| I mean, I want to act. | ||
| I want to do that shit too. | ||
| But it's like, I definitely, I'm definitely in that mode where I'm like, I'm just addicted to something right now. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| You know, that's awesome too. | ||
| You're stating it publicly that it works. | ||
| So then people will be on your side. | ||
| They'll be with you while you're doing this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| It's fun to put that out there. | ||
| And it also, like, it holds you accountable. | ||
| It's very difficult to do things, just decide, oh, I'm going to do this every day. | ||
| Because, like, if you don't, like, have a fucking list of shit that you have to get done, it's so easy to blow stuff off. | ||
| And also, it's like, when your fucking brain is all fucked, I don't know if you feel like you have ADD or whatever, but it's like, I definitely feel, like, I just, every time I look up an article that's like, you know, do you have, it's like, every part of it, it's like, I have that, I have Let's look it up. | ||
| How do you know if you have ADD? What are the symptoms of ADD, Jamie? | ||
| Because my boy, Ben O'Brien, he's the fucking man. | ||
| I know a Ben O'Brien. | ||
| I bet they're different guys. | ||
| Probably a different guy. | ||
| Pretty common. | ||
| A hunter in Montana. | ||
| Yeah, he's not the producer of my online content. | ||
| My creative producer. | ||
| No, he's the man. | ||
| Ben is so fucking funny. | ||
| But Ben's got like... | ||
| He has no ADD. Like, every artist, I feel like every, like, so many comedians have that shit, and Ben just doesn't. | ||
| And he was telling me, like, you definitely have this. | ||
| I was like, nah. | ||
| Well, let's find out what it is. | ||
| I'm just a little scattered. | ||
| What are the symptoms of ADD, young Jamie? | ||
| Let's go show them for children and teenagers, I guess. | ||
| Well, let's do it for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's a teenager at heart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's see what we got here. | ||
| Having a short attention span and being easily distracted. | ||
| Check. | ||
| Making careless mistakes, for example, in schoolwork. | ||
| Check. | ||
| Appearing forgetful or losing things. | ||
| Check. | ||
| Being unable to stick to tasks that are tedious or time-consuming. | ||
| Without question. | ||
| Triple check. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Appearing to be unable to listen to or carry out instructions. | ||
| Nah, I can do that pretty good. | ||
| Constantly changing activity or task. | ||
| Check. | ||
| Having difficulty organizing tasks. | ||
| Check. | ||
| Organizing is the motherfucker. | ||
| Hyperactive and impulsiveness. | ||
| And then executive dysfunction, whatever that shit is. | ||
| Being unable to sit still, especially in calm or quiet surroundings. | ||
| I don't have that. | ||
| Constantly fidgeting. | ||
| I kind of have that when I'm sitting here doing podcasting, but that's just because I'm trying to be aware of my posture and shit. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Yeah, I like these chairs. | ||
| They're good. | ||
| Yeah, they're really good. | ||
| These are the only ones that I've ever found that are both comfortable and they keep me from having a sore back. | ||
| Because like office chairs, you kind of sit in a fucked up way and like the middle of my back would be tight at the end of a show. | ||
| Excessive talking, for sure I have that. | ||
| Clearly. | ||
| Excessive physical movement. | ||
| 100% I have that. | ||
| I'm very excessive. | ||
| So you're a child with ADD, bro. | ||
| Being unable to wait their turn. | ||
| No, I'm not that bad at that. | ||
| I've gotten better at that. | ||
| But that's what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| Acting without thinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| Interrupting conversations. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| Little or no sense of danger. | ||
| I'm not so good at that. | ||
| I kind of am good at it, but kind of also not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I'd say I'm medium good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I have everything. | ||
| You got it all. | ||
| Except by two or three things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| But I just feel like I can't. | ||
| So I should be mad. | ||
| I need the list. | ||
| Yeah, you probably should. | ||
| Which should I be on? | ||
| Forgetfulness. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Carelessness or lack of attention to detail. | ||
| Now this is absolutely me. | ||
| Continuing starting new tech. | ||
| What was the one? | ||
| Forgetfulness? | ||
| Which one do you... | ||
| Were you doing that as a bit? | ||
| You're like, what was that one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Forgetfulness? | |
| Oh, is there more of them? | ||
| This is for adults. | ||
| Oh, this one's for adults. | ||
| Okay, so carelessness and lack of attention to detail. | ||
| Not necessarily. | ||
| I pay attention to... | ||
| Things that I'm concentrating on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm very detail-oriented with actually things I'm trying to do well. | ||
| But I think that's the flip side. | ||
| Like, I was listening to Brian Koppelman's podcast. | ||
| He was talking about how ADD can be like a fucking superpower because sometimes you're so locked in. | ||
| And he was talking about how when he was writing his first script, it was like... | ||
| He wanted to do it so bad, and sometimes I feel that way too, where I'm in the fucking zone. | ||
| When I really want to get something done, where I'm writing a script I really care about, or I'm working on a joke that I really want to get done, and I feel like when I'm in that zone, I'm like, I'm the fucking smartest man alive. | ||
| I feel like I'm on limitless. | ||
| Here's the question. | ||
| Is this really a disease, or is it a problem only because human beings are trying to interface with a complex modern society that doesn't match their genetics? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| There's got to be some benefit to being locked into some things and being distracted by shit you don't give a fuck about. | ||
| If you were a hunter, that would help you, because you would concentrate only on the thing you're trying to do. | ||
| And you would ignore a bunch of other shit that's probably important, but in your mind, not as interesting. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I also think... | ||
| I also think some people just don't have that, though, where they can just pay attention to the surroundings. | ||
| Right, some people are just scattered. | ||
| Yeah, just being scattered. | ||
| And ultimately, it's like, at the end of the day, it's like, what am I going to do now? | ||
| I'm fucking 33. I'm not like, you know... | ||
| Yeah, but it's helping you with comedy, is my point. | ||
| Probably, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, 100%, dude. | ||
| Listen, that's the thing. | ||
| Well, that's why I think a lot of people who end up in comedy or certain artistic fields or something do have that. | ||
| But that's the thing. | ||
| Is that really a disease, then? | ||
| Because that's got a great benefit to it. | ||
| It just seems like a manageable asset. | ||
| Well, it's like, you know, Boban Marjanovic has gigantism or whatever, but it is a disease, but it still makes him a good center. | ||
| Andre the Giant. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, so it is, but it also could help you out. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Where it's like... | ||
| Well, that's a different thing, right? | ||
| Because I think ADD is like super fucking common. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| But is it real? | ||
| It's more of a personality, probably. | ||
| But is there any debate as to whether or not ADD is actually a disease? | ||
| I mean, are there people out there that say, no, this is like a natural function of the way some people's brains work? | ||
| And some people's brains are not designed to focus on tasks they're not interested in. | ||
| But if they focus on something they are interested in, they can get really good at it. | ||
| But sometimes you don't even do that. | ||
| Yeah, but there's a fucking spectrum of dummies and intelligent people that we have to acknowledge. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| We don't have to set standards for every fucking human being regardless of how low their IQ is. | ||
| I'm just saying, for average human beings, isn't it possible that that's an asset? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is there a debate on that? | ||
| There probably is. | ||
| Yeah, let's see what they say. | ||
| The ADHD community? | ||
| Are some people thinking that ADD is not actually a disease? | ||
| I'm sure plenty. | ||
| I wonder who's right. | ||
| I mean, but sometimes I'll take a fucking Adderall or whatever, just if I have some shit to do, and I'm like, oh, this rocks. | ||
| Yeah, but that's amphetamines. | ||
| Of course it rocks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a reason why it's so goddamn addictive. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It's addictive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It rocks. | |
| It's not addictive because it sucks. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| All that stuff that's addictive is awesome. | ||
| Except maybe gambling. | ||
| But if you win, it's awesome. | ||
| But when you win, that's a fucking nice one. | ||
| All of it's awesome. | ||
| There's a reason why people get addicted to things. | ||
| They're addicted to things that give them that crazy dopamine rush. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| I never got into gambling because I think I got out of it at a young age. | ||
| Because we gambled in Greektown. | ||
| I grew up in Baltimore. | ||
| I grew up in Greektown. | ||
| I think two of my friends growing up just happened to be like compulsive gamblers. | ||
| We had a bookie when we were like 14. Oh my god. | ||
| And he would like call in football games. | ||
| You ever talk to Diaz about it? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm like, Diaz was a bookie. | ||
| Whoa, really? | ||
| Yeah, Diaz used to answer phones, used to place calls. | ||
| Yeah, he looks like he's a bookie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he knew bookies. | |
| He worked in offices. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's the real deal. | ||
| No, so I got out of that. | ||
| Good for you, man, because that's a scary one. | ||
| I've seen people lose their lives to gambling. | ||
| It's wild to see. | ||
| That's a tough one. | ||
| It's wild to see people who can't stop going to the casino. | ||
| It's wild to see people who can't stop going betting on cards or horses or... | ||
| When I moved to New York in like 92, 91, 92, whatever it was, I started hanging out at this pool hall. | ||
| And this pool hall was filled with degenerate gamblers. | ||
| I was never around those kind of people when I was younger. | ||
| And all of a sudden, as like a 23-year-old, I'm hanging around with these Fucking animals that just all would lie to each other and they were all stealing money and they were all gambling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| A bunch of guys had just gotten out of jail. | ||
| It was the wildest place to hang out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I got to be exposed to this group. | ||
| It was mostly like bachelor men who didn't have kids, who didn't fit in with regular society. | ||
| And they were at this place where they all just hung out together with other men. | ||
| They smoked cigarettes and talked shit and gambled. | ||
| The place was open until 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a wild experience for me as like a pretty fucking naive 23-year-old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Because you're just coming out of like, you know, fucking college or whatever. | ||
| Not even for me. | ||
| I was martial arts. | ||
| I was fighting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh shit. | |
| Holy fuck. | ||
| So I went from that to starting to do stand-up. | ||
| You were fighting that young? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| To starting to do stand-up when I was 21. And then all of a sudden I was around these fucking people. | ||
| That's a world of discipline. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then you go to like fucking degenerates. | ||
| Just full degenerates. | ||
| I couldn't believe... | ||
| I had never been around people that were addicted to gambling. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| There were so many of them. | ||
| Yeah, they're betting on coin flips and shit. | ||
| They were always losing and winning and losing and winning and fucking, dang, I almost fucking had him, that cocksucker. | ||
| And then I missed a fucking nine ball. | ||
| That table's not level. | ||
| All these arguments and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cheating. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| But these people were renegades. | ||
| They were like this part of society that I didn't know existed. | ||
| People that never felt like they fit in anywhere. | ||
| And they found this one thing and they hung out there together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I could definitely see that. | ||
| I mean, the Greek town, there's like a bunch of like these, the coffee houses that like old Greek guys just hang out and they're gambling. | ||
| Drink coffee, talk shit, throw dice. | ||
| Yeah, just avoid their families. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Just fucking hang out. | ||
| Well, there was thousands of those places in New York City at the turn of the century. | ||
| At the turn of the century in New York City, I think there was close to a thousand pool halls. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That was where men, bachelor men used to go. | ||
| And this is like after the war. | ||
| The way you're describing it sounds 100% like they're sucking each other off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably were! | |
| These bachelor men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Romans did it. | |
| To clear your mind before doing some philosophy. | ||
| Pool was invented. | ||
| The word pool refers to money. | ||
| Pool your money together. | ||
| Billiards is the game. | ||
| The game is billiards or pocket billiards. | ||
| You know, the original game was three cushion billiards, and then they developed pocket billiards, mostly in America. | ||
| And when you watch them play in pool, they're playing it for money. | ||
| So all those guys back in the day, they were just these gambling addicts that lived in this time where they felt like they were outcasts of society, and they were all over New York City. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was a wild culture to get exposed to as a young comic. | ||
| Did you ever lose money? | ||
| Oh yeah, I was terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wasn't good. | |
| I became pretty good, but I became what's called a B player. | ||
| Most good players can beat me. | ||
| So what was the compulsion to be going there? | ||
| Just the game was so exciting. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| And to play for money when you're down on a ball, and if you make it, you win, and if you miss it, you lose. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And that feeling of the nerves and the excitement and when you make it and you win. | ||
| And tournaments. | ||
| We played a lot of tournaments. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Those are really fun because you get to match up. | ||
| You could get a tournament and all of a sudden you're matched up with a world champion. | ||
| Because they would play in, like, regular tournaments. | ||
| Just to keep the fucking knives sharp. | ||
| They always play. | ||
| Like, you can play. | ||
| And so they would make them handicap. | ||
| Like, they would have to give you extra balls on the wire or extra games on the wire, rather, or extra balls in the game. | ||
| But you would be able to play sometimes, like, straight up with a guy like Efren Reyes, the greatest pool player of all time. | ||
| There's no time where you ever could play pick-up basketball against Michael Jordan. | ||
| But if you're a pool player, you could enter into, like, a local professional tournament and you could play Buddy Hall or Steve Miserak. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Johnny Archer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| There was this place called Hard Times that I used to go to when I first moved to LA. And they had a Sunday tournament. | ||
| And the Sunday tournament was all the top players in the world. | ||
| These guys from the Philippines, like Francisco Bustamante, and Dennis Arcolo. | ||
| These names all sound fake, but I love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| That is Bustamante. | ||
| The Filipinos, man. | ||
| There's a Filipino invasion where they came over here and just fucked everybody up. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Filipinos are some of the greatest pool players of all time. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| The GIs brought pool to the Philippines in the 1950s. | ||
| And then the Filipinos mastered that shit. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Also because they're playing outside, so they have all this moisture on the table, and they have fucked up tables that are out of bounds. | ||
| So they just developed the best strokes. | ||
| That's sick. | ||
| They know how to really stroke through the ball, best position play. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Take that, GIs. | ||
| They came over here and changed the game. | ||
| Efren Reyes, he came over here under a fake name. | ||
| He came over here under the name Cesar Morales. | ||
| And started robbing everybody. | ||
| Came over from the Philippines, unknown, with a fake name. | ||
| That rocks, dude. | ||
| And just was robbing everybody. | ||
| Just making a fortune, just hustling people. | ||
| People just couldn't believe how good he was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This dude, they call him the magician. | ||
| And how long did you... | ||
| Do you still play pool? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I have two tables here. | ||
| I'll show you afterwards. | ||
| I have two tables here. | ||
| I play all the time. | ||
| How'd you get started? | ||
| Was it just... | ||
| It just got started because I walked into that pool hall that one day. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I had played a couple times with my friends, and I had this ex-girlfriend that liked to play pool. | ||
| And we played a couple of times, but we were terrible. | ||
| We didn't know what we were doing. | ||
| And then I walked in this pool hall and I watched guys play for money. | ||
| And I was like, this is wild. | ||
| People are cheering and hollering and trying to gamble more. | ||
| It was a crazy environment of guys getting to do what they really enjoyed doing. | ||
| You know, just having fun, talking shit with each other, not hindered by jobs that make you dress a certain way, or, you know, offices that make you talk a certain way. | ||
| These are just wild folk who didn't fit in. | ||
| Yeah, blowing some steam. | ||
| But unfortunately, a lot of them were gambling after. | ||
| A lot of those guys had their shins broken. | ||
| A lot of them were drug addicts. | ||
| I was exposed to the world of guys who use heroin and coke. | ||
| Everybody did something. | ||
| Everybody was doing pills. | ||
| Everybody was doing something. | ||
| They were all doing drugs. | ||
| Yeah, The Color of Money is my only... | ||
| That's all I know about. | ||
| There's moments in that movie where it's kind of maybe a little bit accurate. | ||
| It's just a great movie, but sometimes they don't nail the verisimilitude. | ||
| Well, they nailed it with, do you ever see when Tom Cruise, pull up the scene, Tom Cruise plays Grady Stevens in The Color of Money. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| I don't remember that one off the top of my head. | ||
| This is why this is important. | ||
| The guy he's playing is really the best player in the world at the time. | ||
| The guy he's playing is Keith McCready. | ||
| They call him the Earthquake. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| Keith McCready. | ||
| When he was young, dude, he made people quit pool. | ||
| Guys would just lose $50,000, $100,000 to him. | ||
| He was an assassin. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| He was an assassin out of California. | ||
| And he played out of Hard Times Billiards. | ||
| And this motherfucker was like legendary through the whole country for gambling. | ||
| And the way he played, he played with a sidearm stroke because he learned how to play pool when he was so small he couldn't reach the table. | ||
| So he couldn't dangle his cue in a normal way. | ||
| He had to do his sidearm. | ||
| And he just kept there going his whole life. | ||
| And he kept it that way his whole career. | ||
| See if you can find that scene. | ||
| Tom Cruise plays Grady Stevens. | ||
| So he plays this character in this movie who's the number one pool player in the world. | ||
| What's interesting about it is he legitimately was. | ||
| So when you watch him shoot the ball and move the ball around, that's what an elite, top of the food chain, assassin for money pool player looks like. | ||
| That's sick. | ||
| Because that's what Keith McCready was. | ||
| He was an assassin for money. | ||
| Like, guys would bet, like, shit tons of money. | ||
| And then he'd be talking shit to you while he's screwing his cue together. | ||
| And the stuff that he said in the movie was stuff that he really would say to guys. | ||
| Do those guys get stiffed and shit? | ||
| Because if you're a good pool player, you're not necessarily a guy who can kick someone's ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They get robbed. | |
| People show up with guns. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So that's Keith McCready. | ||
| That's the earthquake. | ||
| So this is him. | ||
| Give me some volume on this. | ||
| So when you watch him play... | ||
| That's how a really truly elite pool player looks. | ||
| Like the difference between the control, but it's also the control that he has of the cue ball. | ||
| It's like he can put that ball within a couple of inches anywhere he wants all over the table. | ||
| He was a wizard. | ||
| And so when you're watching him do this in this movie, it's 100% like it would be if he was really playing you. | ||
| Just fucking shitting on him. | ||
| Just talking shit. | ||
| You're getting your ass fucked. | ||
| There's nothing you can do about it. | ||
| The idea is that Tom Cruise has to play badly because he's playing Grady Stevens, so he has to lose so that the odds on him will be very low when he goes to a tournament because the word will get out that Grady robbed him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he's going to dump this money to Grady, which is all shit that people really did. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, but it's killing him. | ||
| It's killing him inside. | ||
| Yeah, because Grady's talking too much shit. | ||
| And so, eventually, Tom Cruise decides that he's going to talk shit back. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, what I love about... | ||
| Okay, this is a different... | ||
| This is when they're at the big tournament. | ||
| What I love about this movie, too, is, like, I had no idea about all the fucking actual pool shit, but it's, like, it's such an interesting movie from just a fucking film perspective, because it's, like... | ||
| Scorsese. | ||
| Scorsese, when he's just, like, fuck it, I'll be a hired gun. | ||
| Like, that wasn't his passion project. | ||
| He was just, like, I'm gonna make a fucking sick movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you have fucking Tom... | ||
| You have Tom Cruise, you have fucking, um... | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Paul Newman. | ||
| Paul Newman. | ||
| And it's like this beautiful, almost like passing of the torch. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I love any time a career, the guys in the movies, it really mirrors the characters. | ||
| There's something so fucking awesome and poetic about that. | ||
| Right, at the same point in their lives. | ||
| Paul Newman is the fucking old piece of ass fucking star. | ||
| And he's literally teaching, as Tom Cruise is about to ascend... | ||
| It's this fuck and then you know Paul Newman would go on to have the whole is the later You know part where he plays great, you know great roles the fucking verdict rules I don't remember those before or after this but just like I love that shit dude and it was like Tom and just to see those guys just Against each other for real as actors in the same way that their characters are going and it's like all of that directed by Scorsese And it was all written by Walter Tevis who was the same guy who wrote the Queen's Gambit Oh wow, holy fuck. | ||
| Yeah, he also wrote The Hustler. | ||
| The original Paul Newman, Jackie Cleason. | ||
| Great fucking movie. | ||
| He wrote that, and he wrote The Color of Money, and he wrote The Queen's Gambit. | ||
| Yeah, that's sick. | ||
| Which is amazing. | ||
| And yeah, it had another thing that I really like, which is like a weird, unofficial sequel thing, where it's like, it is a sequel, but it's like no one except Paul Newman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like I love when they just extend a story and it's done. | ||
| Because like the odds of that working are so fucking low. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Especially with a star. | ||
| You've got to bring in a star like Tom Cruise. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| And they had to teach him how to play pool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they brought in Mike Siegel to teach him how to play pool. | ||
| He's one of the greatest pool players of all time. | ||
| And he's also left-handed, the way Tom Cruise is, which really benefited him. | ||
| But he taught him how to play pool like, I mean, a version, not as good, of course, as Mike Siegel, but a version of the way Mike plays. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| You can watch Mike stroke, the way Mike moves balls around. | ||
| And what's cool about, like, I guess we didn't know that, or I wasn't lying, but it's like, you didn't know that it wasn't clear about Tom Cruise at the time, where it's like, wow, that's really impressive that he would learn how to play pool, and now the motherfucker's, like, jumping out of fucking jets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Like, he's just, he's a fucking lunatic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's awesome. | |
| Dude, you don't know how hard it is to look like you can play pool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He looked like he could play pool. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I mean, it really, you believed it. | ||
| He hit a couple shots in the movie where it's like, that's fucking impressive. | ||
| He figured out how to play pool pretty quickly, which is kind of amazing. | ||
| Fascinating guy. | ||
| Yeah, truly. | ||
| Truly a fascinating guy. | ||
| Believing in Scientology seems to work for him. | ||
| I'm not saying it's for everybody, but there's something about the way it worked for him. | ||
| For him, dude. | ||
| And just how smart it was to do the Mission Impossible movies. | ||
| His career kind of went to the next level in a strange way. | ||
| Yeah, look at that shot. | ||
| That's brilliant. | ||
| Look at that shot. | ||
| He really did that shit. | ||
| He really did that shit. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| You saw it. | ||
| You saw it from the beginning to the end. | ||
| And he ran the table on certain racks. | ||
| What they did is basically they set balls up for him and they let him have fairly simple, what you call, connect the dots out. | ||
| But he did it. | ||
| He still did it. | ||
| It's not fucking easy to do, man. | ||
| That guy flies jets. | ||
| He jumps off buildings. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Scientology seems to work for him. | ||
| And my favorite one of his is Collateral, too. | ||
| Oh my god, I just watched that the other day. | ||
| Dude, it's the fucking best. | ||
| It was amazing! | ||
| And it's like, there is a darkness to him that he keeps buttoned up. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And when he gets to play the fucking assassin, the real evil guy, it's like, whoa, this is working. | ||
| Or Lestat from Interview with the Vampire. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That one's fucking... | ||
| Collateral. | ||
| Lestat is awesome, but that movie is so campy in certain ways where it's like you see flashes of the villain, but this shit is like he is. | ||
| It's Michael Mann who's the fucking best. | ||
| He's a fucking hitman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| And you 100% believe it. | ||
| You believe it. | ||
| You fully fucking believe it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| It doesn't matter if that's that dude from The Outsiders. | ||
| That is him. | ||
| Dude, it's fucking him. | ||
| And just the way he behaves. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker, man. | ||
| Yo, homie, is that my briefcase? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he's a pew, pew, just putting fucking two pieces, those guys. | |
| Dude, and the way he does it, too, man, that was super smooth. | ||
| You have to really practice to be able to draw and get off those shots in close range. | ||
| The way he did it looked completely believable. | ||
| That didn't look like, you know, there's scenes in a movie where a guy pulls a gun and he shoots the other guy and you're like, okay. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I'll suspend disbelief. | ||
| This was John Wick before John Wick. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I mean, Michael Mann did that shit too with Heat. | ||
| It's like, they were fucking, they were shooting machine guns, bro. | ||
| You know, Heat was basic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, dude! | |
| Dude, this is the scene right here. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I love this scene. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that my briefcase? | |
| Is it your briefcase? | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Why, you want a bag? | ||
| I bought your wallet. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What else have you got for me? | |
| Bro. | ||
| Jamie Foxx was like... | ||
| 100% believable. | ||
| It did look like... | ||
| He was like, I'm free. | ||
| This guy's gonna die, but at least I'll get to just call the cops. | ||
| Dude, 100% believable, those movements. | ||
| The way he did it, knocked the guy's hand away with the gun while drawing. | ||
| One more time. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| God. | ||
| He knocks it away, at the same time draws. | ||
| Look at how he does this. | ||
| This is fucking wild shit, man. | ||
| And he's also got his gun on his hip, so it's not even the quickest place to draw from. | ||
| And he shoots from the waist. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Boom, boom. | ||
| All this other guy's drawn. | ||
| Boom, to the head. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| So fucking sick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tactical. | |
| Jamie Foxx. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Scientology works for him. | ||
| For him, it does. | ||
| It seems to work really well for him. | ||
| Whatever his belief system is. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That guy races bullies. | ||
| Motorcycles in his movies? | ||
| No. | ||
| He actually does his own stunts? | ||
| They do a great job of certain high-level talent. | ||
| They can really take you to the next level. | ||
| But they let him ride motorcycles in a movie. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| He does stunts with cars and shit. | ||
| He flew the jets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Fucking Top Gun. | ||
| This is dangerous shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And they let him do it. | ||
| Yeah, I would just love to see him, because he's proven that he's a fucking action star, proven that. | ||
| A very unlikely action star, but earned it, right? | ||
| Look, I love taking, I love the Liam Neeson turn to action, but it's like, that's all gravitas, that's all being a great actor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's not doing that. | |
| He's not doing that. | ||
| He's earned it in the way that it's like, with practical effects and stunts and shit. | ||
| So what is he doing there? | ||
| He's jumping a motorcycle off a cliff, and then he's going to parachute? | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| I'm fucking mad. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| Bro, stop it. | ||
| Who's like that? | ||
| Who's like that in all of history? | ||
| Buster Keaton. | ||
| He's a fucking lunatic. | ||
| Truly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Buster Keaton. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's so interesting. | ||
| He's a modern Buster Keaton. | ||
| Buster Keaton was a fucking animal. | ||
| Special effects were non-existent back then. | ||
| There's no CGI. He's the fucking man for sure. | ||
| Buster Keaton risked his life every time he did a movie. | ||
| Every time he did a movie. | ||
| That guy fucking rules. | ||
| Bro, you watch those old Buster Keaton highlights, you can't even believe that guy really did that. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| He jumps from one fucking building to another. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Watch this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A full flight of stairs. | |
| And then goes through the railings and catches himself. | ||
| Planned it. | ||
| Planned all that. | ||
| Bro, he planned that. | ||
| I mean, that's incredible. | ||
| He went through those fucking things. | ||
| He's like, that'll stop my fall, and then I'll catch myself on the way down. | ||
| And he did it. | ||
| I mean, that's what James Bond pretends to do. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| And look at that. | ||
| He really did get yanked away by that car. | ||
| Like, this is actually happening. | ||
| He really did grab that car and get yanked away. | ||
| Just great choreography. | ||
| He would grab all these things and just hang on. | ||
| Well, dude, that's the other thing. | ||
| And that's why it's so... | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I mean, what is that? | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| They didn't fucking string him up or anything with that shit. | ||
| How the fuck could he do that? | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| What kind of strength did he have to do that? | ||
| Just to be able to hold on to that thing with one arm. | ||
| He was a fucking unit. | ||
| I mean, he must have been a super unit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like an acrobat. | ||
| That movement right there, what he had to do, were hang on to the back of that train like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How much strength is involved in that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's like Cirque du Soleil strength. | ||
| I do love watching, like, Old, old-ass movies, because we have gotten so, like, used to, like, you know, CGI and all that shit, and it's helpful for certain things, but it's, like, what you think is possible, you're like, oh, we are fucking lazy. | ||
| Or even just, like, even just, like, the, you know, how fast they would, like, build, they would make buildings and shit, and, um, but you just look at Yeah, what does he got going on here? | ||
| Yeah, he's just slowly. | ||
| He's just riding on the front of a train. | ||
| But even then, man, you fall, you die. | ||
| And you've got those wooden, stupid shoes on. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What is going to happen here? | ||
| Oh, that's sick! | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| But, like, you see a movie from the fucking 30s, and you see the, like, the fucking, one of my favorite movies to just throw on sometimes is the old Robin Hood from the 30s. | ||
| It's this fucking spectacle, dude, where they just have thousands of fucking extras. | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| Dude, it's fucking good. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Robin Hood from the 30s? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's Errol Flynn. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I don't, I mean, I'm sure I saw it when I was a kid. | ||
| But it's just, like, this thing where you're, like, your mind is, like, bro, when they have these giant scenes where it's, like, You know, a king and it's a jousting tournament. | ||
| They have like fucking hundreds of people in the stands. | ||
| Today that's eight guys and they CGI it. | ||
| And you fucking watch it. | ||
| I mean the fight scenes or whatever, don't get me wrong, but like the big spectacles of them and like these huge sets and like when it's like... | ||
| The thing that really fucking shocked me was the like, I think it was the jousting or maybe the archery competition. | ||
| Is this colorized? | ||
| It is colorized, yeah. | ||
| So the original was black and white, right? | ||
| I would assume so, but I'm not sure. | ||
| 38? | ||
| Just look at how fucking many... | ||
| It's just such a spectacle that you don't fucking get today. | ||
| The same thing with fucking... | ||
| Fuck, what's the Kurosawa Macbeth? | ||
| Throne of Blood? | ||
| That shit... | ||
| I mean, that's another one where you're like, God damn, dude, they were doing this shit... | ||
| And now, filmmaking is so... | ||
| Everything's on a green screen, and you're just like... | ||
| The artistry is... | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| When you're penned in, when you have limitations, you figure out how to fucking really do it, and you come with real... | ||
| I mean, they were... | ||
| Look at Buster Keaton, dude. | ||
| I would rather watch a Buster Keaton highlight reel than whatever the Marvel movie that just came out is. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'm with you up until we talk about Avatar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm in on Avatar. | ||
| Avatar was so good. | ||
| I'm like, do your CGI. Do whatever you gotta do. | ||
| But that's a great example, though, because James Cameron, whatever, you know, he is a fucking... | ||
| He pushes everything to the limit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, if he's doing CGI, it's gonna take him 15 years, and he's gonna get every ounce of, like, spectacle out of it. | ||
| And it's gonna be incredible. | ||
| It's gonna be incredible. | ||
| I can't wait for that. | ||
| Me and my... | ||
| We have my brothers and a couple, like, my closest friends. | ||
| Well, not all my... | ||
| Anyway, we have, like, a... | ||
| What is your relationship with these people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and four guys I found outside who I call my brothers. | ||
| We're bonded in certain ways. | ||
| My brothers and like my best friends, it's a rotating cast, right? | ||
| But we like to fucking get fucked up on Christmas. | ||
| We do like a bros Christmas on top of the family stuff, kind of like the Friendsgiving version of Christmas where we'll just take a psychedelic and watch some out of control, like, you know, Star Wars. | ||
| I've never seen the new Star Wars' not on acid or mushrooms. | ||
| And dude, I don't have any idea what happens in him. | ||
| My boy Babu Frick, I don't remember which one he's in, I was laughing like a fucking lunatic because I was just on acid and just a little fucking cute puppet. | ||
| I'm like, like a little fucking kid. | ||
| We get fucked up and we just watch fucking, yeah, there's my boy, dude. | ||
| See, I'm not even aware of him. | ||
| I'm so far behind. | ||
| Imagine being on an eighth of mushrooms. | ||
| Oh my god, I can't. | ||
| And this guy pops up in a crowded theater. | ||
| You're like, oh, I love him. | ||
| He's my favorite. | ||
| Anyway, we've done mostly Star Wars. | ||
| We watched Tenet one year when it was like the pandemic. | ||
| How can you follow that around when you're sober? | ||
| I have no idea what happened, but I was having a great time. | ||
| It's a dope movie. | ||
| Watching it in my living room because it was the pandemic. | ||
| But this year we're doing Avatar fucking Way of the Water. | ||
| I can't wait, dude. | ||
| I can't wait for that to come out. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| James Cameron could say all this crazy shit. | ||
| Is this the... | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| Is this the trailer? | ||
| It's got something on their YouTube channel like four hours ago. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| It's got some clips. | ||
| They're talking in between it. | ||
| The CGI, it still looks like the old Avatar. | ||
| I bet you're just going to look fucking sick in the theater. | ||
| But, I mean, there's still that uncanny valley. | ||
| Oh, for sure, for sure. | ||
| Isn't it interesting that they haven't quite passed that yet? | ||
| We'll never pass. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| I mean, they're close, man. | ||
| They're kind of close. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But it's still... | ||
| I mean, the original Avatar was how many years ago? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Five? | |
| Yeah, a long time. | ||
| It's a long time ago. | ||
| So if you think about it, it's kind of crazy how close it is to the original one in terms of like... | ||
| Maybe we're just looking at a grainy copy of it. | ||
| But I also think what he really focused on was the water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, look at this. | ||
| And I think compared to other water CGI shit, he crushed it. | ||
| He also loves water. | ||
| He was deep sea exploring and shit. | ||
| No, it's amazing. | ||
| I'm just saying I can tell they're not real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's a weird thing. | ||
| That's a thing that's a debate between special effects guys. | ||
| Guys like Rick Baker. | ||
| Guys who've done... | ||
| They do makeup and special American Werewolf in London versus CGI stuff. | ||
| There's something missing always from the CGI stuff. | ||
| I fully agree. | ||
| The best... | ||
| I mean, the thing is so sick. | ||
| All practical. | ||
| John Carpenter. | ||
| John Carpenter, the man. | ||
| And it's just like... | ||
| They did a CGI version. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure it was dog shit. | ||
| No, it was pretty good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty good. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| But it's still that thing where you know it's... | ||
| There's just something about those practical effects. | ||
| I think they even updated the older movie. | ||
| Got updated. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| It's in 4K, I know that, so they had to run it through the computer once. | ||
| I mean, it was one of the most fucking ridiculous movies I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| When me and my brother, because we, like, I have gained an appreciation for it over, but I remember going into it, and I was just like, I was a little bit of like a film snob, because I was in college, and I was on like my film snob shit, and it was like, oh, Cameron, like, Terminator, like, he's gonna, this is gonna be, and it's got, remember how hyped it was? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it was super fun in like a let's get fucked up and watch an awesome action movie way, but it was not like fucking, you know, Goodfell. | ||
| It wasn't like a piece of cinema. | ||
| It wasn't casino. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And so me and my brother, dude, the part where we lost it, we were having a good time. | ||
| And don't get me wrong, the battle scenes, fucking sick. | ||
| But where they fucking fuck with their tails. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When they get their fucking little tail cocks linked up, I was like, what the fuck is this? | |
| I was like... | ||
| It's kind of hilarious. | ||
| But it is like... | ||
| But when you go into it... | ||
| Is that any weirder than a dick and a pussy, though? | ||
| Dick and a pussy is pretty weird, too. | ||
| Pretty weird, but, you know, I'm more familiar with that, I'll say. | ||
| I get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get it. | |
| All right, Stavi, let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Let's wrap it up, brother. | ||
| Tell everybody what's your social media, how they get a hold of you. | ||
| Yeah, Stavi Baby, Stavi Baby 2 on Instagram, Stavi Baby on Twitter. | ||
| What happened to Stavi Baby 1? | ||
| It was too erotic, bro. | ||
| I was posting too much shit like this. | ||
| They nuked your account? | ||
| They nuked the first one years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way! | |
| You know what, actually? | ||
| Ari brought this up. | ||
| Years ago. | ||
| You guys actually looked through my Instagram way back in the day. | ||
| They nuked my shit, but Stavi Baby 2. But a new podcast, Stavi's World. | ||
| Please subscribe. | ||
| The first one with Sam is really funny. | ||
| The second one we got is coming up soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| It's, yeah. | ||
| And we have, I have a tour coming up. | ||
| How do you say your last name? | ||
| Halkius. | ||
| Halkius. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Buy the calendar. | ||
| I got a tour coming up. | ||
| I'm all over the place. | ||
| They're selling really good. | ||
| I'm really proud of that shit. | ||
| We sold a bunch at the Wilbur. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Sold out. | ||
| Sold out. | ||
| The Wilbur's the shit. | ||
| Dude, I'm so excited. | ||
| Such a good club. | ||
| Such a good theater. | ||
| We sold out four of those fuckers. | ||
| It's like three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| Dude, I can't wait. | ||
| So we got that. | ||
| But yeah, man. | ||
| Go listen to the podcast. | ||
| Watch the special. | ||
| We hit 4 million views. | ||
| Follow my little brother. | ||
| He's an artist. | ||
| We didn't even get to talk to my brother George. | ||
| Art by Zodzie on Instagram. | ||
| And fucking, you know, go to Odyssey Strength and Conditioning. | ||
| Say that again. | ||
| Art by what? | ||
| Art by Zodzie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
D-Z-O-D-Z-I-E. How do you spell anybody to get that? | |
| It's tough. | ||
| You said that word. | ||
| I'm like, you're just going to throw that out there? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| A-R-T by D-Z-O-D-Z-I-E. He does this really fun. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's like Georgie, but Zodzie. | ||
| He does this really fucking wild shit. | ||
| I don't know if we can even show it. | ||
| He's got like demons. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| He's gonna go to jail. | ||
| Put that away. | ||
| Balenciaga's gonna use that for the next ad campaign. | ||
| They're all of age. | ||
| They're all of age demons. | ||
| Thank you, brother. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| I enjoyed it very much. |
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